#poem003

[dystorian]

a roller coaster doesnt begin to describe

the feelings i have each day im alive

willing to hide but gets harder the more i try

i wish the things i said were understandable

the words in which i cry out to you

desperately wanting to be heard im not crazy

i just have all these things i think, these things that i think daily

they all build up inside of me and pulling myself together requires time

because of this annoying part of mine

that thinks and thinks nonstop

why are they hurting me why dont they care

i care so much love so much until my heart stops

beating so lovingly at the slight of your tone

seemingly changing me instantly as your words creep through my bones and seep into my heart muscles

i care so much for you so much the thought of others interrupting us two on a decent tuesday afternoon

makes me wish i had abandoned you

and then i wish that i had died way back in middle school

sitting in my bathroom

asking god why i couldnt push the razor through

my 13 year old arm who had already caused so much harm to others and myself i really hated you

that part goes to my mom who fucked my life up second generation of her trauma

i despise being unable to

form relationships that last because of everyone in the past that left me in turn because they left you everything you went through i had to go through

and this disease that rots my brain and weed addiction different strain every day all from the hands of who?

it used to make me cringe to mention how my attention is never off this shit but its starting to make me stupid and useless and a new addition is pain let me explain it

i smoke so much daily that sometimes i cant get up and leave my room because i cant walk or move without my ears ringing and and i need to

find somewhere to lay or sit down to escape the sound and drowsiness thats profoundly taking a toll on me

but

its like who can i be mad at? its not all her fault. like i said her mom was a bitch and for her hurt shes at fault. do i blame my grandmother? maybe her mother too? or do i blame the world? if so who can i give my blame to. because carrying it makes my back hurt and im ready to let it go. to others its invisible and all they hear is my pitiful excuses for anger but its a mountain of a terrible outcome of nurture and nature. that i carry on my back and since thats what i lack i need it all from my friends because its something i dont get so when its tainted i cant help but say shit i dont mean because i cant fathom the thought of someone that i love who doesnt love me. breathing even for a second i cant help but not get it. it was just me and mom everyday of my life everyone else left so true love should suffice, right?.. and if you love me and i love you why do we need anyone else is my love not enough i dont MEAN to fight. its not in spite is what im saying im not overreacting everytime you leave me or discard me like im nothing its just years of trusting others with my heart before i knew what love was and getting it ripped out and torn apart. stomped on not even just in my childhood but to this day gone. everyone is gone. theyll be gone for you too. all of you. i never leave any individual because my heart would break directly in two. you tend to love people so much when nobody in the past could ever stay long enough to love you. its like ive grown a second heart that beats normally so that i can hold the one that works half heartedly and give the other away to people who at first shower me with affection and undoubtedly love spending all their time with me proudly until it all wears off and they start to see this broken part of me and as their pedestal raises above my body and im discovered to be a problem i scratch the the block of stone as i try to climb up and be by them i fall right back to the bottom. lying on the cold floor. is my heart deceiving me or am i really dying it feels like im dying. i lay there in silence. waiting for them to step down and sit beside me. at first it feels like ive ascended to heaven when i find out they havent left and

then it feels like vomit.

my appetite decreases and im in no mood for eating. this feeling is caused by me though. i made them leave i told them to go. i ruined it all. this is a cycle thats repeated and im sick of this fucking bullshit reason that i have and give as an excuse but its not a bullshit reason. its just something others cant understand and they leave with my heart beating. because the second one i grew as a child so blue works just fine so its mine that'll take the time. and the sleepless nights crying. they always say itll get better and ill get over it but what did i just rhyme to you? just a few lines ago. for me to love someone new i give away my heart that grew i might have lied when i said just two. they grow for you for every girl for every boy i befriend they do. and as the time i spend with them starts lacking i grow another while theyre packing their bags but it takes forever to grow it back. and if i cant find someone to share it with it starts to grow and poke my ribs. i cant bare it. it doesnt matter how bad im treated just take my spare heart its interally bleeding all inside of me. leaking from my eyes disguised as tears flowing down my cheek. this stupid useless heart of mine does nothing but make me weak upon a lot of a other things all of them undeniably agonizing for me.