#plus i'm only marginally better

[forter-from-meteos]

breakin out the Cra-Z-Art™ for this one

[bunnys-kisses]

viva las vegas

max verstappen - team principal au

tags: smut/pwp, team principal au, tp!max, driver!reader, age gap (20s/40s), massages, vaginal fingering, intimacy & affection, doggy style

a/n: happy las vegas gp weekend!

max remembered vegas not-so kindly. or rather he remembered the hangovers of las vegas not-so kindly. it was where things heated up depending on a driver's standing. for many years max simply smiled and waved through another race, he always kept a heavy margin between him and other drivers in the points department.

plus he had to give it to the americans, they really knew how to make their races quite the spectacle. and las vegas was no different than miami at the start of the season and austin only a little while earlier. even now as a team principal, he enjoyed the occasional cigarette on a balcony of a hotel room. except this year his head was flooded with less technical information and more the sight of his beloved star driver.

you.

you huffed with your arms crossed after media day. you wore a pout so prettily, it was real princess behavior. and where you were standing right now, you were on your rightful throne at the top of the leader board.

"i don't get why we have to do these last three races. i have this in the bag, i am over a hundred points ahead of the next driver." you pointed in a general direction as you complained to your boss, "this is stupid, give me the wdc and we can all go home."

you were tired. of course you were, he was tired too. the entire team was tired. hell, everyone from top to bottom was tired.

max put his hands on his hips. he tilted his head to the side and exhaled, "treasure." he was a little sympathetic. he remembered being ragged by mid-october, the fact you were only falling apart at the last few races was impressive, "i know, it feels like the victory is being dragged on. that we are just wasting time." he reached out for you and cupped your face with such affection, "but, think about how much you could make that margin grow.' he had both hands on your face. you were in private so he could be a little closer.

you looked up at him with such sad eyes, "it feels anti-climatic."

max smiled, "that's the price you pay you when you're just leagues ahead of them. if you don't race for the points this weekend. then race for home, race for your family... and race for me." his smile grew, "i want to watch the shock on mclaren's face when they see what they missed out on." he chuckled lightly, "the offers you would get from everyone."

you said, "don't think i'm trying to leave verstappen racing." you pouted a little more.

max felt something tug in his chest but he kept his smile, it was endearing to hear those words. that you weren't going to up and leave him. even if your contract was three years, teams had lawyers to the teeth that could easily wrangle you into their grasp. but you had no interest in that. he kissed your forehead, "how about you come to my hotel room tonight, i'll help you relax. make the weekend a little more fun."

it wasn't burdensome to go to max's room. it was often right beside yours. even if the rest of the team were on the other side of the floor. you nodded and let max kiss you in the privacy of the little corner you found yourself in.

max watched you walk through his hotel room, in nothing but an over-sized garishly pink dolly parton shirt. you were bent over at the bar fridge to take a healthy shot of gin and let the shiver run through you. he chuckled into his drink and said, "let's get you a glass for that, treasure." before he got up from the couch, "oh better yet, let's take it easy on the alcohol. you're driving tomorrow." then crossed the room to take the bottle from your hand. he dipped his nose into the back of your neck and said, "how about we find other ways to relax tonight. something that won't kill you come morning"

you looked over at him and frowned, "i could not race tomorrow and i'd still win it all" and leaned into max's touch as he took you by the chin. you turned to look at him fully and crossed your arms.

"i know, being on top does get boring. but why don't i help. after all, that is my job." he held you in his arms and admired you the way someone would admire a beautiful piece of art. you were inclined to melt into his touch. uncrossed your arms and hugged him when your head against his chest.

"i wish there was more a chase for this victory." you huffed. the perfect driver, the perfect car, the perfect team and the perfect boss. it was all to easy.

he chuckled and kissed you, "please, don't get hung up on that. think about what it would mean to have a woman have such a clear victory." he held you, "no splitting hairs with your victory. think about what you could do." he smiled at you.

you held onto the front of his t-shirt and sighed, "i know, i know. first woman and all, but... i wish there was more of a fight."

max smiled, he knew the feeling well as he tenderly held you. he kissed your forehead lovingly before he said, "why don't we forget about that. and no more alcohol." then led you to the grand bedroom of the room. he sat on the bed and admired you.

in the over sized shirt and cotton panties. nothing special, but max ate up every last bit of it. the idea that he got the see you like this. he knew that men thirsted over you. fans that couldn't get it through their head that you'd never be with them.

you were just voted the more eligible bachelor(ette) of formula one. max got a kick out of seeing that when he read in on the way to the track. single, huh? that was news to him. not while you were tangled up in max's love like a spiderweb.

"do you want it off, sir?" you asked as you played with the hem. he had to admit, but up close, he sort of liked the t-shirt. the pink looked good on you. but he liked what was under it even more. men could thirst all they want, but none of them could have you.

not while max was still breathing. he pressed his face up against your middle, he sighed, "yeah, take it off. i want to see everything." everything that belongs to me. the unspoken words. he helped you get the shirt off.

he admired your body, dressed in cotton panties and a sports bra with thick straps. he licked his lips as he went back to kissing your stomach before you ended up on the bed next to him. you helped him out of his clothes just as he did for you. his lips found your heated skin and you arched your back a little at the feeling. it excited you.

"please, sir." you said as his large hands roamed your body, it left you feeling excited all over and touched you. you felt like heaven under his palms you moaned into another heated kiss and let him touch you as he so desired.

"you're perfect for me." he said as he kissed your neck, "perfect in ways i can't even put words to. you remind me of such beauty that it would be a crime for me to deny myself your warmth." he looked at you with those blue eyes, they read so much as he held you tightly, "that's why i want you to win, win, win. when they doubted you, i never did. and i'll continue to never doubt you. i want them to wipe those grins off their faces and see what you are a threat on the track."

you felt your heart flutter as you said, "oh max." before you pulled him into another hot kiss. when he pulled away, he got you onto your back and admired the strength in your back. he licked his lips and you could feel his hot gaze.

"quite the beauty." he said softly before he started to put those strong hands to work. you moaned into the covers and arched your back when he rubbed the skin. he groaned a little bit, his cock twitched at full attention as he massaged your body, "but you need to relax. i know, i want you at your best. but you can't be so wound up. it'll only make you a worse driver." he leaned into your and whispered in your ears, "i know you want to defeat them, make them whimper." his voice hot against your ear.

you whined, "please, max. sir!" you arched your back a little bit, or at least tried to. but he kept you pinned to the bed and continued to rub at your skin.

"i'd do anything to make you win." he said quietly, "i know you're my champion." he moved down your back and you whimpered when he hit spots that made your eyes roll back a little. you looked cute squirming like that. under him beautifully.'

you gasped when he eventually slipped two fingers inside of your soaked pussy and thrusted them slowly as he held you by the small of your back onto the bed. you gasped and arched your back with sexual want as he fingered you. you buried your face into the covers and whined, "max!"

it was music to his ears, he loved it. he loved you. you didn't know how many rules max had to bend for you. he was painfully committed to you, he adored you in ways that he could never say with words. you whined a little bit as he fingered you and he felt the heat in his belly as he played with your pussy.

"there we go. nice and relaxed, perfect for the upcoming race. i know you'll be a good girl for me. right? you'll race perfectly and then we'll come back to this hotel room with more points under your belt and i'll fuck you right up against the window. let all of las vegas see their weekend's star." his voice was filthy, tinged with a heated want. his cock was painfully hard.

he fingered you for a little while long before he pulled out the digits and licked the wetness off of them. but you weren't going to go without for long, not on max's watch. soon he was behind you, with your hips raised as he sank his cock into you.

the future champion felt good around his cock, beautiful in a way that he could taste it on the tip of his tongue. you felt like heaven as he started to rock his hips against you.

he knew you were the best, you were always the best. almost a perfect season, except for a few hiccups here and there. but, those were all ironed out. now he had big hopes for your future racing. racing with his team. he wanted to see you in the lion logo for years to come. and when your eventual retirement came, you'd be working alongside him as his wife. even carrying his last name couldn't keep you away from the track and max would be a fool to force you away from it (except for maybe nine months). he continued to move against you, he watched your ass bounce from his movements as he fucked you.

"shit, max." you whined. you wanted to win so badly, you wanted to be the world champion. you wanted to stick it in the faces of those who doubted you. other drivers, other teams, even your own father. who would have preferred you married a driver rather than be on. but max saw the future in your eyes, you'd be the world champion. and you believed in max. even when he was fucking you with a feverish pace that left you seeing stars and panting into the covers.

max kissed your back as he moved against you. he felt the heat through his body as he worked his cock inside of you. he felt the swell of affection towards you, he felt the heat course through his body. he needed you deeply, he needed you in ways that he never needed another.

"you're insatiable." you sighed as you felt yourself get fucked further into the bed. you gasped a little deeper into the covers as the two of you moved together. you felt the hammering in your chest.

"you feel amazing. i can't help myself." max groaned as he battered your sweet pussy with an insatiable want. he couldn't help himself, that was the god's honest truth. he yearned for you in deeper ways, he wanted to be connected to you in every way he could.

"please, max. i can't get enough of this. you feel so good, you know how to make me good." you groaned through the heat through your body. you pleasure coursed through your body, this was amazing. it was always amazing to be with him. especially when max combed his fingers through your hair and he continued to move against you with a heated want.

"you feel amazing in return, beautiful. my treasure. something i got out of the rough, shined you to your full potential." he hissed through a tense jaw as he continued to fuck you. you moved against him quickly and it made him gasp for more.

max licked his dry lips. the pleasure coursed through his body, it was a throb in his head as he thrusted up against you. he tensed up for a moment when he felt the heat only grow in his core. he really couldn't help himself. he knew that this wasn't exactly the sanest thing to do, fuck a his driver. but when a figure like yours and a winning streak that left him hot and bothered. it would a crime not to claim you as his. you wore his hickies under your collar and his logo over your heart. you were undeniable. you made racing fun for him.

he kissed you back once more, his pace started to stagger. the heat continued to fuel his body. he could hear your heated pants as you felt close to your orgasm. he held onto you tightly and fucked you through a powerful climax.

"i don't want anyone else." you panted in the heat of pleasure. you tensed up for a moment before you relaxed, your hands curled in the sheets as you muttered curses under your breath in your mother tongue.

max continued his heavy thrusts and came inside of you. he slowed his pace to a stop and kissed your back. he whispered sweet nothings against you before he pulled out slowly. you both laid out beside one another and he pulled you into his grasp.

he kissed your heated cheeks and sighed contently against your skin, "there, ready for the weekend?" he asked.

you pulled away to look at his flushed expression. blissed out from sexual heat, you gave him a small smile as you said, "well, if you keep the orgasms coming. i'll be more than happy to widen the points gap." then yelped when he got you onto your back. his heavy kisses soon trailed down heated skin.

you decided right then and there that you got very lucky in vegas.

-

a few weeks later in abu dhabi, you hoisted your final trophy of the season over your head. you were damn near tears as you claimed another victory. like you did in las vegas, then qatar and finally abu dhabi. max felt tears in his eyes as if he was winning the victory too.

you became the best, just like max promised. his driver, his star, his champion.... his future wife. <3

[drdemonprince]

ENM/Poly circles explicitly discourage real talk around jealousy, and practical considerations around nonmonog in ways that routinely exclude and excise POC and disabled people.

ENM/Poly expects everyone involved to act as though “love” is the reason for every relationship choice. Cliche #1: love isn’t finite. Which… sure. Maybe love isn’t finite, but attention and time sure are— and those are at a premium.

Cliche #2: Love is all you need/love is what makes a family. I am familiar with criticism of this from a family abolition, anticapitalist standpoint, but I have seen this be uncritically repeated by ENM/Poly people. It’s not true that love is what makes a relationship work or not work. It’s also about dumb shit, like geographical proximity and practicality. Good luck being ENM if you can’t regularly host because you have roommates or live at home. Good luck being the gold standard of ENM (out to everyone, including family and maybe even the workplace!) if you are any kind of marginalized. Love is simply not enough. There’s real world shit to consider.

Most ENM/Poly people are white gen x’ers and older millenials for a reason. It’s a framework that works awesome if you have abundant spare space, disposable income to blow, and free time. Plus most ENM/Poly people are heavily in therapy, and just have a fuckton of time to deal with their various baggages… or at least like to posture as though they are doing those things.

Non monog can be liberatory— disabled polycules caring for one another. QPRs! Multiparent households! But ENM/Poly is very lodged in a liberal, hyper-independent Super Good Boundaries Thank You Very Much world of its own, and so most of the “resources” like More Than 2 or Polysecure have hella flaws in that respect.

COME OFF ANON SO I CAN FOLLOW YOU! Because you just said a whole word.

I find "ethical nonmonogamy" and polyamory circles to be viscerally unpleasant and alienating to be in as a crazy, chaotic antipsych person who does not always make choices for carefully therapized, restrained reasons -- and who doesn't believe that most other people do either, no matter how much they claim to.

I don't fuck multiple people to serve some higher purpose; I do it because I'm horny, impulsive, and have a variety of niche fetishes that are really difficult to satisfy.

I didn't choose to be openly nonmonogamous because I nurtured my soul and found that it was abundant with love that I just had to give -- all my relationships already were nonmonogamous at one point or another, either because I cheated or the other person did or both, and I eventually decided to move with my feelings rather than against them, and to stop denying all that is inside me -- all of the hunger and darkness as well as the light.

And I can't say that my nonmonogamy is inherently "ethical" either -- just like my monogamy sure wasn't! I'm a human being, and a crazy one at that, I get jealous, I have emotional blowups, I lash out and fuck other people to make myself feel better or to affirm that I am desired, I make big demands of the people I date, I fail to show up for people consistently, I get hurt, and I hurt others, and I will continually have more to learn. I will also continually have wild animal emotions and triggers, and I won't always deal with them in the way my partner(s) might want me to. I try to avoid hurting other people needlessly, of course, but sometimes your own needs are incompatible with another person's, and hurt is inevitable.

When there is only so much time and attention available in our lives, it's true that somebody's often going to come up short. And ultimately the person that I choose above all others is me. And so, no, I can't say I'm always doing nonmonogamy in some caring yet dispassionate way, or that love is the solution to all problems -- I am driven by passion and need, and sometimes being alive in those ways means getting hurt, or hurting in turn.

I would echo essentially all that you've said. We need time and resources and spaces to enjoy privacy with other people, and if you're not some rich work-from-homer, that shit's all in short supply. I hate the sheen of calm positivity that "ENM" and polyamory folks tend to place on everything -- as if no choices they make are fueled ever by bitterness, dislike, resentment, or hell, fucking white hot irrational DESIRE. With how fair and measured so many of them make their polyamory sound, I don't even see what's fun about any of it.

Sometimes you want to upend your whole life because you're so down bad for a person. Sometimes you hate the shit out of your partner's partners and you say and do little manipulative shitty things to convey those feelings, or to try and blow the relationship up. Sometimes the hours just don't add up and somebody gets shafted. Sometimes you make a promise and then you can't follow through, or just don't WANT to anymore because you have changed.

These are real human realities whether we like it or not, and I find it terribly unrealistic AND unsexy to refuse to acknowledge all the darkness and frustration that comes out in any relationship. I think a lot of the ENM/poly crowd that is white and middle class and heavily therapized is so averse to naming anything edgy or prickly in themselves that they make their spaces actively hostile to anybody who openly expresses negative feelings. That means Black & brown people get tone-policed a ton, "mad" people like me get no-true-scotsmanned out of "ethical" nonmonogamy for ever doing anything messily, and all the romance and sexiness of relationships gets sanded down into a Canva-graphic beige blandness of weekly polycule meetings and processing sessions.

In this world of self-optimization, even fucking and loving other people has to be cast as therapuetic -- our desires must justify themselves by somehow making us better, more capable, more controlled people, But fuck that. Sometimes sex or love is worth exploding your whole life over. The ENM/poly crowd says their way of loving makes them more even-keeled but it seems like a kind of death to me.

[mymegrokosmos]

B specifically asked not to be hurt but it's her bday weekend so instead of listening we are writing Yunho smut on this fine Friday evening. Anyway, uh yeah... best friend Yunho. 🔞

content : mentions of drinking, thigh riding, unprotected sex, slightly dubious consent, best friends Yunho and reader fooling around.

The evening started the way Thursdays typically did. You showed up at Yunho's cramped little excuse for an office, shared with the always courteous San and Seonghwa, to find him the only one working late. San was just packing up when you walked in, Wooyoung perched halfway on his desk chattering away as you offered them both a wave. You weaved your way past them, carefully avoiding Seonghwa's little shelf of lego creations, to drop down onto the corner of the desk Yunho typically had half covered in papers and miscellaneous stationary.

"Fancy meeting you here."

He glanced up from his grading, pen tapping against his bottom lip as he sat back with a sigh when he finished the page. "Hello stranger."

You smiled as he ran a hand through his already messy dark hair. It was always in disarray after these classes. His TA position stressing him out more this semester than it usually did. He was better at managing most of the time but his course load was heavy lately and he'd been staying later and later to finish marking and assignments. The balance wasn't exactly work life balancing and you had yet to see him actually sleep once this week.

He ran a hand over his face when you quirked a brow at him, glancing between him and the pile of papers on his desk. "When are these marks due in?"

"Tuesday."

"How many do you have left to get through?"

"Maybe twenty more? I should be able to finish a few more tonight and then run through the rest tomorrow. Then I can sit down and study for that Stats exam Sunday and help you with our presentation Monday."

"And are you planning on sleeping any time between now and then?"

He sighed. "y/n you know I'm doing my best here. I just don't have time."

You shook your head. "Finish that one and I'll borrow Hwa's or Sannie's desk space to sit down and get through more of our presentation. Then we can go back to mine, since Mingi is definitely not going to let you get any sleep tonight, and I'll help you with the rest of these tomorrow."

He blinked up at you. "You've already done like three quarters of the work on this presentation."

"So it won't be much more when I make up 85% and you have a fresh, functioning, brain to look over everything before the final draft Monday. Plus, you're my best bet at actually passing stats and if we're going to be studying all weekend we can at least get some rest in between. And I have plenty of caffeine."

He groaned. "Please do not even talk to me about caffeine right now."

His leg jiggled and you laughed. "On your fifth americano of the day or something are we?"

He shrugged and held up four fingers, biting his lip. You shook your head.

"I'm not even going to ask. Speedrun your marking, I'll be over there and then I'm buying you a drink on the way back to my apartment. If anyone deserves it, it's you. And maybe it'll counteract some of the blood in your caffeine system."

A laugh and then you both turned to set back about your own tasks.

You hummed softly as you worked, only glancing at the time once you'd finished the last section of the powerpoint. Yunho's fresh eyes would catch a ton of small details you'd missed but that was fine. It was why he was always the final run-through on these things. You cracked your back and stretched, pressing save and closing your laptop. You found Yunho pretty much exactly where you had left him.

He sat hunched over his desk, chin resting in one hand as a red pen tapped against one cheek while he poked his tongue into the other. He was so focused or lost in whatever train of thought he was currently jotting down in the margins of the paper he was nearly done that he didn't even start when you came over. You leaned back against the corner of Hwa's desk and watched. He adjusted the glasses on his face as he finished and you bit your lip as he cracked his neck.

"If you keep doing that one of these days you're going to break something important."

It always made you just a little nervous. He grinned, dropping the pen as both arms came up over his head in a stretch you could almost feel. He flopped back into his chair, legs spread, and adjusted the glasses that had begun slipping down over the bridge of his nose. You just sighed and dropped into his lap.

"Done for the night?"

His forehead dropped forward to rest against the back of your shoulder as you cleaned up his desk, hands resting on your thighs as his fingers drew abstract shapes on your jeans.

"Mhm, if I start another one right now I think my head might just explode."

You smiled and started shuffling his things into a pile. "Help me clean up and then we can leave. I have a bottle of soju or seven with your name on them in the fridge."

His little cheer was muffled against the back of your shirt as you both got up.

It didn't take long to walk to your building, your apartment wasn't far from the building all his classes were in this semester and Yunho's long legs forced you to walk a little faster than you would have alone. His presence did make the dark campus feel a little less foreboding so you stuck close as you headed inside and up to your unit.

He followed you in like he always did, at home here since he'd lived part time in your apartment before he and Mingi moved in together last fall. He was more than familiar. You dropped your things in the living room and headed to the kitchen to see what flavours of soju you had available. There was a selection.

It had maybe been a bad idea to suggest alcohol on an empty stomach.

You found yourself half naked, having lost a round of strip poker or two before the takeout arrived, leaning against Yunho's shoulder as you both burst into laughter for what felt like the millionth time in the last hour. The food was great and you shoved another bite into Yunho's mouth before he could launch into another story.

"Please shut up and eat your noodles before I suffocate. I think I broke a rib just now."

He chuckled, taking the chopsticks from you and scarfing down the rest of the container while you wiggled around trying to get your bones to sit right again. Your ribs and face hurt from laughing and you were pretty sure you'd cried off most of your mascara already. You took a deep breath.

"Why do I ever listen to you? You're so ridiculous, you know that?"

He grinned and you couldn't help the way your eyes drifted to his lips, lingering a little as you reached up to brush a bit of sauce from the corner. His breath hitched and you blinked up at your best friend.

"Okay?"

He nodded.

"Sorry, I should have asked first."

He shook his head, hand coming up to capture your wrist. You knew, in theory, that they were large but the ease with which his long fingers circled your wrist had you staring. This was new. Or was it?

You didn't think you were that tipsy.

"Hey Yun?"

"Hmm?"

"Can you pinch me please?"

He smirked. "I can think of something better."

You blinked. His face hovered closer, moving slowly. You didn't stop him. Then his lips were on yours and oh, you were so not dreaming. His teeth nipped at your bottom lip, making you squeak into his mouth and he laughed as he pulled away.

"I can't believe we've never done that before."

You reached up to touch your lips, and then to pinch him.

He jumped. "Yah! Hey! You can just tell me if you didn't like it."

You smiled. "I did like it. I was just making sure I didn't black out and accidentally dream this."

He sighed. "No, we're both still awake. Was that really necessary?"

You shrugged and then you were leaning up to kiss him again. He tasted like soju, what was new there, and the strawberry chapstick Hwa had bought him for his birthday last month. His lips were soft and everything but gentle as they worked against yours. You lit up when his tongue parted your lips and plunged into your mouth, sighing against his lips.

He was a good kisser, you'd give him that. Your hands found his wide shoulders and you braced yourself as you climbed into his lap to get closer. Something about Yunho was just addictive and as long as he was good with where this was going, you didn't want to stop.

He was right, why had you never made out before? You'd definitely gotten drunk and tried other things together over the years. It should have been only natural that this was on the list of experimentation, you'd known him since high school after all, but kissing was just one of those things you'd never dared to initiate with Yunho before now.

His hands were everywhere and you found yourself whining into his mouth when they slid down to cup your ass. He squeezed and you rocked forward, gasping as he adjusted you like you weighed nothing. You let Yunho manhandle you, moving you from his lap to straddling one large thigh. You nipped at his jaw when he pressed your hips down, guiding them over his still jeans-clad leg.

"Yunho." You whined.

It was unfair that he was still so clothed while you sat there in just your underwear. It was a matching set at least but neither of you was really paying attention to that particular detail. You tugged on his shirt and he leaned back to watch you unbutton it, hand coming up to fold behind his head. His eyes were dark as they trailed over you and you could feel the heat pooling in your gut.

"Tell me to stop and we can."

You shook your head. "If you stop now I'm disowning you. Hongjoong is going to be my new best friend."

He laughed and leaned in to press kisses down your neck, humming softly against your skin as you finally managed to get him out of his shirt, shoving it off over his shoulders.

He pulled you back in, one hand on your waist guiding you to rock against his flexed thigh as the other came up to cup your breast. "Do you have any idea how pretty you are like this?"

You hummed. "A mess?"

He shrugged, the hand on your breast moving to unclip your bra in one smooth motion. "For me, yeah, that's hot."

"Mm, because you're the one making me desperate?"

He nodded, head dipping down to catch a nipple in his mouth. You gasped, hand tangling in his hair and he groaned as you tugged when his tongue flicked over your skin.

"You have no idea how desperate you make me. It's nice being the one with the upper hand for once."

Before you could ask what, exactly, he meant by that his hands and mouth busied themselves making it impossible to think. You gave in, only getting a minute to breathe when he flipped you around and pulled you back against his chest.

You leaned your head back, tilting your neck to give his lips better access while his fingers moved to trace your wetness over your panties. He bit down on your shoulder when you gasped, fingers trailing under the fabric to ghost over where you needed him the most. He groaned against your skin and you gasped when one finger slid inside you, slowly sinking up to the knuckle.

"Fuck."

"Mm, too much?"

You shook your head, hand grasping his wrist. "No. No, don't stop."

The chuckle against your neck had you shivering. "Oh, greedy tonight are we? My good girl wants another?"

You struggled to force your eyes open. "Please Yun, feels so good. Fill me up. Please."

He didn't ask again, sinking two more fingers knuckle deep as they continued to pump in and out at his pace. He worked you fast and didn't let up until you were shaking, clawing at his thighs and begging. You were pretty sure you'd started crying and you didn't care, the orgasm that swept over you was worth it.

When you caught your breath enough to whimper his name again he was already pulling out his cock, groaning as he adjusted you on his lap again, legs hooking underneath yours to keep you spread open for him.

"Fuck, you sound so pretty when you cum."

He was stroking himself with the hand that, moments ago, had been mostly inside you. You forced your thighs to cooperate a little longer as you turned to straddle him properly again, hips rocking as his tip slid along your slit, now slick with your own release. He moaned and you found yourself smirking.

Oh, so this was what he had been on about. It did feel good, seeing him such a mess for you, especially when you had barely done anything.

"Let me, please, don't need to be inside but can I...?"

His pathetic whines had you biting your lip and nodding. "Yes, yes Yun. Use me however you need."

You swear he almost came at those words, stopping to stare you dead in the eye and then he was guiding his length along your slit like a man possessed. He felt so good you let your eyes slide shut, hands anchored on his shoulders as you felt him slip inside.

"Mm... just the tip. Please y/n."

His begging nearly undid you. You nodded, hips rolling with his and then suddenly he was grasping you by both hips and slamming up into you. The size of him knocked the breath from your lungs and he groaned.

"Fuck, shit, sorry. Just felt so good. Couldn't help it."

You rocked your hips a little, testing the stretch, and his hips stuttered. You'd never seen him like this and fuck if it wasn't more than a little intoxicating. The breathy moans, the whines as he held himself still just long enough for you to adjust to the sheer length of him pressed fully inside you.

You both paused as he pressed a hand to your pelvis and you caught a glimpse of him bulging in your abdomen. You gasped, he groaned, and then you were being pressed down into the couch while he hovered over you.

"Please please let me do that again."

You guided his hand, back arching as he slammed into you. You watched as he traced his fingers over the outline, cursing under his breath, and whimpered when his pace suddenly went from manic to man on a mission. He was rutting into you so hard he had to hold your waist to keep you from sliding all the way up the length of the couch but neither of you noticed the way the sofa creaked beneath you with every snap of his hips.

By the time he pulled out, hand fisting his cock as he painted your stomach, you were already seeing stars again. You arched up against him, whining and moaning his name as your hand slid down to your clit, fingers working you through your climax while he caught his breath.

"Who knew all needed was to get railed?" You teased, when you glanced up and met his eyes.

He laughed, sweat dripping down his forehead as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. That set you off and then you were both shaking with laughter.

"At least let me clean you up before we make another mess."

[theidiotwhowritesthings]

TAKE CARE OF YOU [3]

Sugar Daddy!Joel Miller x Female!Reader

Overall Warnings: slow burn, angst/comfort, power imbalance, age gap, possessive tendencies, eventual smut, #daddyissues, independent reader learns to let go and relax, emotionally constipated Joel Miller learns to be vulnerable; (more specific warnings to be added to individual chapters if necessary)

Chapter Word Count: 4,501

Summary: You spent your entire adult life supporting yourself and barely getting by. It's why a life of ease offered to you by a mysterious stranger sounded so foreign and unbelievable. Joel Miller, dressed in flannels that had seen better days, didn't look like the kind who could promise you the world on a plate, but he seemed desperate to help out. All he asks is that you let him take care of you. That wouldn't be so hard. Would it?

[a/n: I'm feeling Fridays for the update day, but i'm not married to that idea yet. also thank you for all the love this has seen so far!! I am so happy to know I'm not the only one that would sell my soul to have Joel Miller as my sugar daddy.]

03: YOU THINK MY VOICE IS PRETTY?

"the way his voice sounds, or the words he speaks, i can never decide what pulls me in more." -butterflies rising

‘Morning, sugar’.

You chuckled at the term of endearment and leaned back in your seat. The other people on the bus surrounding you were living their own lives as always. You recognized many of your routine bus neighbors. The woman who ate an onion bagel every single morning on her way to work, the man who still read an actual newspaper rather than use his phone, the brother and sister duo⏤only teens⏤ on their way to school. You wondered how these people classified you in their head. 

‘Morning to you too⏤’ You paused. Should you call him ‘daddy’ again? Saying it teasingly was one thing, but typing it somehow made it seem more permanent. Which was a stupid thought to have, but it was the one that plagued you nonetheless. You deleted your words and started again. ‘Morning! How⏤’ Again, you froze. Was the exclamation mark too much for this early in the morning? It was only yesterday that you made this deal with him and it would be sad for you to annoy him so early in the deal. Delete. Repeat. ‘Joel⏤’ Way too formal. Okay. You were officially over thinking this.

‘Hey! How’s your morning going?’

The moment you hit send that dumb little anxiety riddled voice at the back of your head tried to criticize your choice of words and you had to wrestle it back down. Almost immediately you saw the text bubble of dots pop up as he typed.

‘Great. First meeting got canceled. You?’

It was marginally funny to you that the man who owned this huge company seemed so dead set on avoiding meetings. Plus, it was kind of cute that he was more comfortable in flannel than suits.

‘Just on the bus heading to work!’

The text bubble popped up immediately, then disappeared, then came back, then disappeared once more. As you waited for it to return, his name filled the entire screen as he called you. Your eyes widened in surprise. After getting past your shock, you answered, “Uh, hi.”

“Sorry, repeat that for me.” Joel’s voice was nearly drowned out by a bunch of noise that you’d have to guess dealt with some kind of construction. “You’re on the ‘what’ heading ‘where’?”

“Bus? Work?” You replied in confusion.

Joel cleared his throat and he must have been moving since the noise simmered down. “Yeah, that’s what I thought you said, darlin’. Can I ask why?” The sound that left your mouth was a good representation of your broken brain. “Because I’m pretty sure you and I made a deal yesterday. Didn’t we?”

“We did.” You said slowly. “But⏤”

“Darlin’⏤”

“In my defense, I can’t just quit work. I respect Henry too much. I have to at least give him a two weeks notice so he can find a replacement.” You argued. Even if Henry wasn’t someone you considered family you’d still feel obliged to quit the correct way. Still, maybe that was something you should’ve mentioned yesterday before the two of you parted ways. “Sorry, Joel.”

He let out a small sigh. “There’s no need to be sorry. I understand. You’re too responsible for your own good.” You chuckled. “But the bus? The bus?”

You had to resist the urge to laugh at how insulted he was at the prospect of you on public transportation. You glanced over your shoulder out the window to see how far from work you were. “Well, ubers and taxis are so expensive from my house to the bakery. Plus, I have a bus card!”

“Bus card?” Joel repeated. His incredulous voice took an amused tone. “Sugar, you got daddy’s credit card.” Your eyes widened and you felt your entire face burn as heat filled your cheeks. As if somebody would be listening in, you glanced around at the people sitting near you. Joel chuckled, the sound low and deep, “What’s wrong? Cat got your tongue?”

“I, uh, I⏤ That’s a good point.” You cleared your throat. “It felt silly using the card for something like an Uber or taxi though. You know?”

“Nothin’ is too silly. I want you to use that card. All the time. Understand?”

“I understand.”

“I understand…” Joel repeated with enunciation at the end. Waiting for something. Waiting for…

“I’m on the bus.” You whispered into the phone, in shock, while covering your mouth.

Joel hummed. “Oh, I know. Now. I understand…”

You chewed on your lower lip, glanced around, then whispered into the phone quickly, “I understand, daddy.”

“Sorry, sugar. Couldn’t quite hear you there. Must be because of how loud and hectic that bus is.”

Your lips curled up into a broad grin as your face continued to burn. He cleared his throat to urge you on, and you shook your head with a slight chuckle. You blew out an amused breath and repeated yourself. “Yes. I understand, daddy.” 

An older woman sitting to your left shot you a curious glance and you sunk in your seat, and turned toward the window to laugh. You could hear Joel’s breathy laugh over the line as well. Joel spoke up, “That’s better. As for this transport problem,” You rolled your eyes still grinning, “Can you drive?”

“Well, yeah.” You replied and the smile fell as a thought occurred to you. “That is not a reason to buy me a car.”

“Wow, you really think I’d buy you a car right out the gate like that?”

“Oh. Right. Sorry. I⏤” You paused then shook your head. “Wait, no, actually I do. I do think you’d do that.”

“You’re right. I would. You got a preference, sugar?”

“Please do not buy me a car.” You blurted. “I… I really don’t like driving around this city. Last time I even got behind a wheel was over two years ago.”

“Fine. No car. I’m gettin’ you a driver then.”

“That still feels excessive.” You replied hesitantly.

“Do it for me then? I’d feel more comfortable knowin’ you’re not ridin’ around with strangers.”

The words were spoken with kindness, actual concern, and a part of you wondered if he was saying what he was because it was expected of him? The deal was for him to take care of you and keeping you safe could arguably fall under that umbrella of responsibilities. You just found it hard to believe he’d care out of the goodness of his heart considering how little time you had spent with one another thus far. It wasn’t a criticism of him at all. Maybe he was just that kind deep down, maybe he did have a bleeding heart. It was the process of trying to apply that thought, those concerns, to yourself that felt silly. At the end of the day, that voice of anxiety just couldn’t fathom a near stranger actually worrying over your well being with no ulterior motive of their own.

Joel said your name over the line, snapping you out of your line of thought, and you forced your smile to return. It wasn’t hard to find. “Alright. For you.”

“Good.” He blew out a breath of what almost sounded like relief. “What time does your shift end?”

“It’s Sunday so I usually close up the shop around 5:30, then pack away all the leftovers to take to the shelter a few blocks away.” You replied. Anytime the shop had any leftovers, which was happening more and more, Henry would donate the goods to the local shelters and kitchens rather than toss it. 

“I’ll have my guy there around 5 then. I don’t want you waitin’ on him.”

“Yeah, but now he’ll have to wait on me.”

“I know. That’s the point, darlin’.”

You couldn’t decide which you liked more. Joel calling you ‘sugar’ or ‘darlin’. Then again the sound of your name was equally as intoxicating. Honestly, it wasn’t fair how good his voice sounded in general. The bus peeled off to the side to come to a stop and you hiked your bag up your shoulder to get off.

“I’m at my stop.”

“Say good-bye to the bus. You ain’t ridin’ on it again as far as I’m concerned.” You chuckled and as you walked off you couldn’t help but glanced back at the familiar people you had gotten used to seeing so often. You mentally wished them a farewell. It was cheesy, but it nearly felt like the end of an era. Joel spoke again as you stepped onto the busy sidewalk. “And remember, my guy is pickin’ you up today. No ubers. No taxis. No buses.”

“I know, I know. I promise I won’t make a run for it.”

“Good girl.” Joel chuckled and your face immediately went warm once more. A habit you were beginning to pick up around this man. Joel said quick good-byes, saying he needed to help someone out on site and promised to text you later. You echoed his sentiments and tucked the phone away after hanging up. Wow, okay, it seemed hearing him call you ‘good girl’ won in a fucking landslide.

As it turned out, Henry had come in early to bake for the day, but left it open for you to set out as he hadn’t been feeling well and had to leave before you even got the shop fully open. It was incredibly poor timing because you planned to announce your two week’s notice to him and that seemed like a dick move to do while he was sick. Tomorrow. You’d try again tomorrow. No big deal. What would a one day difference make? 

The bakery always had it’s busiest days on Sunday, weirdly, but still it was nowhere near the kind of traffic this place truly needed. Usually days where it ended up being you alone were even more painfully boring, but today had been, well, fun. Joel continued to text you through the day and the conversation was a decent distraction from the dichotomy of doing nothing between customers. Plus, without Henry there, you didn’t even have to pretend like you weren’t playing on your phone the entire time. 

The last hour of your shift had gone by without Joel as a distraction because of a meeting. One he had grumbled about twenty minutes prior to it. You were in the process of packing items away when you noticed a black SUV sitting outside on the side of the road. Pausing in your work, you ran your hand down your apron and made your way out of the shop and toward it. You had just planned to tap on the window to get his attention, but you were barely halfway to the SUV when the man behind the driver’s seat jumped out and hurried around with a nod.

“Ma’am.”

“Hi.” You gave a small wave. “I’m⏤”

The blond man blurted your name out with a nod. Of course he knew who you were. “Is there anything I can do to help you, Miss?”

“No, no. I wanted to invite you in! It’ll be a minute before I’m done.”

“It’s alright⏤”

“I insist.” You said firmly. He hesitated once more before going to turn the car off. He was older than you, if you had to guess, and he wore a clean, black suit and a pair of dark aviators over his eyes. If he had a little radio in his ear you’d have him pegged as some kind of secret service guard. “What’s your name?”

“Riley Talbot, ma’am.”

You motioned for him to take a seat at one of the tables with a smile. “Well, Mr. Talbot, you have a muffin preference?”

“Just Riley is fine, and you don’t have to⏤”

“Either you tell me your muffin preference or I’m gonna pick at random, Riley.” You replied then ran through the options you had today. Riley hesitantly told you his preference for the banana nut option and you brought it over for him on a small plate. The man took his sunglasses off, tucking them into his inner suit pocket, and you took note of his very blue eyes. “How long have you worked for, Joel?”

Riley shrugged. “I’ve been working for Mr. Miller for the last five years.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. Five years as a driver for Joel? You couldn’t imagine Joel using a driver. The man who preferred flannels over suits seemed like the kind who was adamant about driving himself. Plus, this wasn’t the person who had picked you up yesterday. How many did he have?

“Well, give me a second here and we can head out. I just gotta finish packing up today’s leftovers.”

“Please, take your time.” Riley nodded then motioned to the muffin. “And thank you.”

You left him to enjoy his snack in peace so you could go back to cleaning out the display stand. It was repetitive, simple work that you had gotten very used to doing mindlessly over the years. You were on the last row of cookies when your phone buzzed in your back pocket. Pulling it out you saw it was a text from Joel.

‘Did Riley show up?’

‘Yupp. He’s in the bakery eating a muffin right now.’

‘You didn’t need to feed him, sugar.’

‘Too late. Besides, that’s one less muffin for me to carry now.’

‘Put it on my tab.’

You rolled your eyes, as if a singular banana nut muffin was of significant cost, ‘Shouldn’t you be focusing on your meeting?’

There was a longer pause before you got a response.

‘Touche’

You chuckled under your breath and tucked the phone away once more. After stacking a few of the boxes on top of one another, you shrugged out of your apron to hang it back up on the wall. Riley had risen from his seat and you took the plate from him before he could argue otherwise. You gave it a quick wash before setting it away to dry for the night and when you returned Riley was still standing by the boxes of baked goods.

“I’m almost done. I’m gonna carry these down to the shelter.”

“I’ll help.” Riley replied.

“You don’t have to do that⏤”

Riley gave you a friendly smile. “It’s my pleasure. Mr. Miller was adamant about me helping out where I could.”

Knowing arguing was only going to stretch this process out you nodded and he took half the boxes. At least this would save you a second trip. As the two of you made your way down the street you learned that he was older than you, in his mid thirties, and he had been in the Marines before picking up work with Joel. It was actually through Riley that you learned Joel had a brother who had also been in the military as well. You’d have to ask him about that.

“I’ve been saving to buy a ring.” Riley shrugged as you both got onto the topic of relationships while on your way back from dropping off the boxes.

“If your girlfriend is as sweet as you claim I’m sure she’d be charmed by anything you got her.” You argued. “And how long have the two of you been dating?”

“Three years next month.”

“Aw, congrats!” You chirped. 

Riley continued to gush about his girlfriend and how she worked as a kindergarten teacher. The way his voice held so much love for the woman he bragged about to you made your heart ache. You had always thought this was how your last relationship would look like. You and your ex-boyfriend had been on a similar path after all. When he broke up with you six months ago, the two of you had been weeks away from your three year anniversary. For the longest time, he had been the one you thought you’d be marrying.

And here you were today with a sugar daddy on speed dial.

Funny how life worked.

“Let me grab my stuff and lock up and I’ll be right back out.” You said and Riley agreed with a nod before heading to the SUV himself. Maybe you’d text Nima and see if she was busy tonight. It had been a long time since you thought about your ex and letting him slip back into your head had been a dumb move on your part.

Once out, Riley held the back door of the SUV open for you to slide into. He asked for your address which you provided before settling back in your seat. The radio played a soft tune, you couldn’t hear the roaring of the roads outside, the air smelled clean, and you had ample space to stretch out. This was a far cry from the bus. Nima texted you back, answering your request for drinks tonight, but she had to turn it down because she had a date. Though she did follow it up to ask if you were feeling well and that she’d bail if you needed a girls’ night. You smiled at her words, but reassured her that everything was fine.

‘Hang out with your daddy! 🤪’

Despite the teasing nature of her text, she may have been onto something. Riley was getting closer to your apartment complex and you leaned forward a bit. “Hey, Riley?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know what time Joel usually gets off of work?”

“It depends. I think he mentioned today he was gonna be working late. That’s why he sent me instead of coming to get you himself.”

Your eyes widened in surprise. It hadn’t dawned on you that Joel wanted to be the one to pick you up and just hadn’t been able to due to his own work. Still, that shot your back up plan in the face. That was probably for the best. You didn’t want to come across as clingy. Though, maybe you were supposed to? Joel said there was no social quota for you to meet, but you doubted the validity of that.

“Thanks, Riley!” You said after exchanging numbers with him and climbing out of the SUV. 

Your apartment was nothing to write home about, but it could be worse. It was a simple one bed, one bath on the fifth floor of a complex that had technically seen better days. However, despite the age and general weariness of the building itself, the residents you lived beside were nice, the owner actually cared about the people renting from him, and security was decent. More so than the other places in this area.

After dropping your stuff down and tossing your keys into the bowl near your front door, you pulled out your phone to see you had missed a text from a few minutes ago. ‘You home?’ Quickly, you responded with a positive and thanked him again for sending Riley to pick you up. ‘Good. Don’t thank me, sugar’.

You rolled your eyes. If he really thought you were going to accept things without thanking him he was dead wrong. Hell, you were struggling with the ‘accepting things’ part which was hilarious considering you had chosen and agreed to this deal with full knowledge of what that meant. You set down your phone to clean the work day off of your skin.

A few hours had passed, where you showered, changed into home clothes, ate, and then settled on the couch with a large glass of wine. Despite it only being close to nine you were almost considering chugging the remainder of the wine in your glass and calling it a night. You had work in the morning after all. As you brought the glass to your lips, your phone buzzed off to the side. 

The text was from Joel. It was simple, and honestly hilarious to see.

‘You up?’

Your cheeks warmed and you wondered if he knew the connotations of texting a woman that message with no warning at night. 

‘Yes lol I am up’

‘Can I call?’

Your eyes widened in surprise at the request. You took another rather large sip of your wine before setting it down on your coffee table and responding to him. The affirmative text hadn’t been sent longer than a few seconds when his name flashed across your screen. You had gotten used to mostly texting the people in your life rather than phone calls. This would take some getting used to. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, sugar.” Joel breathed. “Sorry for calling late.”

“It’s hardly late.” You glanced at your clock on the wall. 9:07. “Are you just getting home from work? Riley said you’d be stuck there late.”

“Yeah. Unfortunately. Every once in a while I’m stuck in the office all day like this. At least I got to be on site this mornin’.” He groaned.

It sounded like he was pouring something on his end of the line. You commented on it, “Are you making yourself a drink?”

“Mhmm.” Joel took a sip of whatever it was he had poured, you could hear him swallow and made your throat dry up. “That alright?”

“Hey, I’m on my second glass of wine so I can hardly judge.”

“Second? You have a long day, sugar?” He asked in concern. Again, the sound of it caught you off guard. You could count on one hand the number of people who showed you genuine concern in the last two years. “Everythin’ okay?”

You forced out a chuckle and nodded despite him not being able to see it. “I’m fine.” It was probably a little early to be flooding him with your problems and the history of your ex. Instead, you jumped over it entirely. “I was actually gonna ask if you wanted to get dinner or drinks, but when I asked Riley what time you got off he said you’d be working late.”

“What?” Joel asked in surprise. He grumbled under his breath before speaking up. “Don’t ever let that stop you, darlin’. I always got time for you. Honestly, it would've been a nice surprise and a good excuse to leave early.”

You let out a soft laugh. “I’ll keep that in mind for next time.”

“You better.” Joel grunted as he dropped down into a seat. Another tired sigh left his lips and you opened your mouth to suggest that he get some rest, but he beat you to speaking. “Tell me about your day, sugar.”

“It was pretty boring.” You replied. “You’ve seen how empty the bakery tends to get.”

“So? I still wanna hear. Talk about somethin’ at least. Lemme hear that pretty voice.”

You grinned to yourself. “You think my voice is pretty?”

“I think everythin’ about you is pretty. Now, no more stallin’. Hit me with it.”

If he wanted to hear about your boring day you’d be more than happy to indulge him. His words still caught you off guard though. He liked your voice? It was extra funny considering how much you liked his voice personally. You talked about the few customers you did have today, how thankful the shelter had been for Henry’s leftovers, and getting to know Riley.

“Yeah, Riley is a good guy.” Joel agreed. “Figured the two of you would get along. Plus,” He took another sip of the whiskey he had told you he chose as his drink earlier, “I know he’s head over heels for that girl of his so I didn’ have to worry about him makin’ a move on you.” You laughed at the sentiment and Joel let out a small chuckle himself. “I ain’t kiddin’, sugar. I only just got you to agree to put up with me. I ain’t plannin’ on losing you quite yet.”

 “Put up with you.” You scoffed. “As if I don’t equally enjoy talking to you.”

Joel chuckled in response then cleared his throat. “How’d it go with your boss? How’d he take the news?” Your smile turned sheepish and rather than answer you picked up your wine glass, now at the end of your third, and took a long sip. Joel sighed. “Sugar?”

“Okay, so, hold on.” You blurted. “He was sick today. Henry left like right after coming in to help me open and I didn’t wanna spring the news on him when he already felt so terrible.” You set the wine glass down then buried yourself into the couch under your blanket. “I’m already worried I’m gonna break his heart.” Joel blew out a sigh and you winced. “Sorry.”

“No, no. Don’t.” Joel responded, but it wasn’t sharp or demanding. He just didn’t want to hear you apologize. “I want you to stop workin’ because I think you’d be happier out of that place, but I’m not tryin’ to shove you into quittin’ if you ain’t comfortable with it yet, darlin’. If…” Joel paused. “If you think you need to stay there a little while longer then I’m not gonna guilt you otherwise.”

His words made your lips curl up into a small, soft smile. It wasn’t that you loved your work there by any means, but you did love Henry. He was family. Plus, that small voice of anxiety was still nagging loud enough that you couldn’t quite fully ignore it. This was still so new. What if Joel got to the end of this week and decided you were more annoying than entertaining. You couldn’t just tear up your roots with no guarantee that this life was fully concrete. 

You didn’t know if Joel understood that from the same angle you did, but you did appreciate that he was willing to bend on that topic. “Yeah.” You said quietly then added in a teasing inflection added, “Thanks, daddy.”

Joel chuckled in response, “You’re gonna be the death of me, sugar.”

You remembered a topic you had planned on asking him earlier in the day, and maybe it was the three glasses of wine that had loosened your tongue, but you blurted it out without thinking. “So, hey, I hear you have a brother?” Joel was quiet for a beat and it was only then that sober logic regained control. “I mean, I’m sorry, I wasn’t trying to blurt it out like that. Riley mentioned he was in the military and that you had a brother who was too. I didn't mean to pick at a sore topic if⏤”

“No, sugar.” Joel chuckled. “Not a sore topic. Just caught me off guard is all. But, yeah, I got a baby brother. Tommy.” Tommy Miller. You tucked the information away in the folder of facts you were learning about Joel. “He was in the Army for a while, but left a long time ago. He actually works with me now at the company. Was with me when we went from small time contractors to whatever the hell we are now.”

“Big deals.” You joked. “If your fancy building is anything to go by.”

“Guess so by someone’s definition.” Joel snorted. You liked that he still felt so grounded and to the earth. It had been part of the reason his proposition caught you off guard because after meeting him you never would’ve suspected him to be the kind who owned a large and very rich company.

“You’re not mad that Riley told me that, are you?” You asked. “Because if you are, I'll admit to wrestling the information out of him.” 

Joel laughed. “I ain’t mad, darlin’. Like I said, I’m glad the two of you get along. You’re stuck with him now.” You hummed in confusion and Joel added. “He’s your driver. Anywhere you need to go, any time, just call him.”

“Wait, seriously?” You cried.

“I told you I ain’t letting you get on a bus again.” Joel replied like he was still appalled you had done so this morning. “And since you won’t let me buy you a car…”

“Fine, fine, fine.” You blurted and he let out a soft laugh. A beat of silence stretched between the two of you, but it was a comfortable one. The kind where you just enjoyed knowing he was on the other end of the call even if he wasn’t actively speaking. 

You accidentally let out a small yawn and Joel hummed. “You need to get to bed.”

“Nuh uh.” You replied. “It’s only…” You found the clock and your eyes widened. 12:01. “Oh.”

“Yeah. Oh. I’ve kept you up long enough, sugar.”

“I’m not even tired.” You whined and rose to your feet. The stiff movements made you realize how close you had been to just passing out on the couch. 

“Sure, you ain’t.”

You meandered to your bedroom, flipping out lights as you went, and shut your bedroom door. “Will we talk again tomorrow?”

“You mean later today?” Joel joked.

You chuckled. “Yes.” It didn’t even matter to you that you may have sounded needy. Being on the phone had not only been fun, but it had been just what you needed to settle the turmoil you had accidentally scourged up earlier. “So?”

“Course, sugar. I’ll text you on your way to work. Riley’ll be there at 6:30 to pick you up.”

“Alright. Night, Joel.” You replied sincerely. “Thanks for talking to me.”

Joel hummed and you could hear him moving around on his end as well. “Should be thanking you.” He added quickly, a tinge or nervousness seeping into his voice. “Hey, do you wanna, uh, you wanna plan for dinner?” Your eyes widened marginally but your lips spread out into another warm and wide grin. “I got a few more busy days, but this Wednesday I’ll be free all evening. Wanna make a night of it?”

“Yes!” You answered much faster than you had initially planned. There went being cool and collected. Joel chuckled. “I mean, yeah. That would be⏤ That would be fun.”

“Good. Get some sleep, sugar.” Joel replied. You wished him well before the call ended and you were left standing in your bedroom feeling like you were on cloud nine.

taglist:

@weddingfairy @bfences @jasminedragon @biwitchy @huffle-punk @shelbyteller @anoverwhelmingdin @aheadfullofsteverogers @stagerightlauren @basicoccult @rinnfey @boofy1998 @farintonorth @thepascalofus @amatis-gray @casa-boiardi @northernbluess @jettia

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✨J.M. Masterlist✨

[ninja-muse]

August is over! My reading month felt like it took forever even though otherwise, the month flew by. I blame this half on my top two reads of the month, which I was only reading in short snippets, and half on a number of lackluster reads and DNFs. I'm hoping to get back into my usual habits in September.

I did do better on reading off my physical TBR though! Even though one book was a "aw man, what do I read now?" and two more were, "I'm behind on my goal, quick, read something fast!" Plus the T. Kingfisher, which was graciously provided by my work, as was Running Close to the Wind. (Finally a month where I didn't spend money to add to my library!)

As for my top reads, The Salmon Shanties would be near the top of my list even if there wasn't a degree of reverse-nepotism involved. Absolutely excellent poetry collection, very layered and complex. If you're into Canadian poetry or poetry-of-place, pick it up! And Rose/House, once I got it back from the library because my Libby hold ran out, was absolutely fantastic! As was the quality of the French translation, because it sounded like Martine. So very, very glad I had the nerve (and linguistic ability) to read it. Super-creepy and I'm glad Tor's picked it up so I can hype the heck out of it next year. And then there's Jinn-Bot, which I wrote an actual review for.

On the other end of the list, sigh. I DNFed one book for feeling kind of trite, and another for being too predictable, and probably should have DNFed Voyage of the Damned for being uneven but I needed to know who the killer was. The Library Thief I'm also counting as lackluster—very good book, just wasn't for me or what I was expecting. Still deserves a 7.

Lula Dean, on the other hand, was surprisingly good! Fun and satirical and just plain entertaining. Read it in a couple days and it would likely be higher on my list except my reasons to be "glad to have read them" this month are less about quality and entertainingness than usual. I can't put "really liked this" above "finally I get to read a new book by X!", for instance. Or necessarily above "learned stuff!"

You might notice a distinct lack of any other news, and that's because there is none. September may be marginally more exciting, we'll see. (I know there'll be a bigger book haul.)

Anyway, on to September now, and in the meantime, here's my list everything I read this month, in the rough order of how glad I was to have read them.

The Salmon Shanties - Harold Rhenisch

A collection of poems centered on and celebrating Cascadia in all its facets (or taking it to task, as the case may be). Out in September.

10/10

🇨🇦

warning: mentions racism, colonization, genocide

digital reading copy

Rose/House - Arkady Martine

There is a body within Rose House—two, if you count its architect, who ordered the house shuttered with his passing and left to its AI. Only one person is allowed to enter now, and she’s accounted for. And yet there is a body within Rose House….

9/10

🏳️‍🌈 author

warning: descriptions of a dead body

library ebook

The Jinn-Bot of Shantiport - Samit Basu

Lina and Bador want freedom: from surveillance, from power structures, for their city, for all bots, or just for their family. This might come from cunning, or revolution, or a lost ancient artifact, or an underground bot-battle, or swaying a visiting space hero or the Not-Prince. Much more than an Aladdin retelling.

8/10

🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (multisexual, achillean), Indian-coded cast, Indian author

warning: discusses colonization and oppression, references police violence

reading copy

Unwritten, Vol. 8 - Mike Carey with Peter Gross, Dean Ormston, Yuko Shimizu

When Tommy Taylor learns that Lizzie is trapped in the land of the dead, he goes to rescue her—but he’s unprepared for his adventures there, or the wider implications.

8/10

Indigenous Australian secondary character

off my TBR

All Quiet on the Western Front - Erich Maria Remarque

Paul Bäumer recounts his time serving in the German army in WWI.

7/10

warning: war, death, animal death, gore, injury

off my TBR

A Sorceress Comes to Call - T. Kingfisher

Cordelia’s terrible mother has decided to marry a squire. Cordelia knows he and his sister don’t deserve that—but how to stop her, when she can do magic?

7.5/10

warning: child abuse, torture, murder, animal cruelty and death

finished copy received through work

A Man and His Cat, Vol. 4 - Umi Sakurai

Kanda gets the courage to make a new friend and revisit an old situation.

7/10

Japanese cast, Japanese author

off my TBR

A Gentleman from Japan - Thomas Lockley

The true story of a Japanese man who was brought to the court of Elizabeth I and influenced early modern English science.

7.5/10

warning: slavery, orientalism, war and violence

library book

Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books - Kirsten Miller

In Troy, Georgia, the fight for public decency is kicked off by Lula Dean, who craves attention and loves her Southern history—and her fencepost library, where someone’s put wholesome jackets over books she’s tried to ban….

7/10

ensemble cast including Black, 🏳️‍🌈 (gay, lesbian), and Indo-American POV characters

warning: Nazis, anti-Semitism, anti-Black racism, homophobia, rape, suicide

reading copy

The Library Thief - Kuchenga Shenjé

Florence talks her way into a job repairing a lord’s library, but is quickly drawn in by the mysterious death of the lady of the house. A gothic novel centering race, gender, and other marginalizations in late Victorian England.

7/10

Black British main character, Black British secondary characters, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (trans woman, sapphic), Black British author

warning: racism, including slurs; rape, abuse, misogyny, queerphobia

library book

The Voyage of the Damned - Frances White

A grand state voyage is upset by murder and it’s up to the lowly, non-Blessed Ganymedes to catch the killer before they dock. Goddess help them all if he doesn’t….

5.5/10

🏳️‍🌈 protagonist (multisexual), fat protagonist, 🏳️‍🌈 secondary characters (nonbinary, ace, trans man, sapphic, achillean), Indian-, African-, and Japanese-coded secondary characters

warning: murder, injuries, blood, colonial thinking, attempted genocide, suicidal thoughts

reading copy

DNF

Remedial Magic - Melissa Marr

Safe and ordinary Ellie meets a mysterious woman in her library, and is whisked to a fantasy world where she’s probably a witch—and almost certainly in trouble.

🏳️‍🌈 protagonist (sapphic), 🏳️‍🌈 secondary character (sapphic), 🏳️‍🌈 author

reading copy

Casket Case - Lauren Evans

Garrett stops to ask for directions at Nora’s casket shop and they hit it off. Unfortunately he works for Death…. Out in September.

African-American secondary characters

reading copy

Currently reading

A Natural History of Dragons - Marie Brennan

A memoir by Lady Trent, renowned natural philosopher and adventuress, but covering her childhood and first expedition, to the mountain highlands of Vystrana, and the troublesome dragons encountered there.

library book

Music from the Earliest Notations to the Sixteenth Century - Richard Taruskin A history of early written European music, in its social and political contexts. The Penguin Complete Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle Victorian detective stories.

disabled POV character (limb injury), occasional Indian secondary characters

warning: racism, colonialism

Monthly total: 11 Yearly total: 70 Queer books: 1 Authors of colour: 3 Books by women: 6 Authors outside the binary: 0 Canadian authors: 1 Classics: 1 Off the TBR shelves: 4 Books hauled: 2 ARCs acquired: 3 ARCs unhauled: 6 DNFs: 2

January February March April May June July

[transmascpetewentz]

ok, this is my final prediction:

MI will go blue because of Trump's racist comments about Arabs.

WI will go blue because I've done some on the ground work there and that seems to be the vibe.

PA will go blue because of Trump's racist comments about Puerto Ricans.

NV will go blue because last time I was there, I saw so many protestors whose top issue seems to be abortion.

OH will go red because Vance is from there.

NC and GA will likely go red because of the misinformation surrounding the hurricanes and conspiracy theories, plus they are generally more red states.

AZ will likely go red, but I'm honestly unsure. If my predictions about MI, WI, and PA are correct though, it doesn't matter who wins AZ.

Harris will win at least 55% of the popular vote but will win the electoral vote only by a small margin.

Trump will frantically attempt to get officials to overturn the results, but due to PA, MI, AND WI being the only key swing states in my prediction, all his fuckery in GA, OH, and NC will do precisely nothing in this scheme.

On January 6 2025, Trump's cronies will independently decide to storm the capital, and Trump will deny any responsibility. Police presence will guarantee that the vote counting process is safe and goes smoothly.

Harris will be inaugurated without incident after Trump's attempts to overturn the result inevitably fail.

Trump will die in 2025 or 2026.

The Republican party will implode on itself. With no figurehead to unite the fascist wing and the libertarian wing, the party will struggle with internal disputes for years to come.

Harris will win again in 2028. JB Pritzker (current governor of Illinois) will become president in 2032.

Due to Harris's pressure to negotiate a ceasefire, relations between the US and Israel will inevitably sour. Bibi will die of natural causes or be assassinated between 2026 and 2030. The Israeli right will implode on itself just as the American right. Whatever is left of the Israeli left will become a more dominant force in Israeli politics.

Putin will continue to fight in Ukraine, with no progress being made on either side. This will continue until Russia is completely starved of resources and cannot continue fighting. A liberation movement from within Russia will assassinate Putin or wait for him to die of natural causes, somewhere between 2026 and 2030. Russia's government after Putin will be incompetent and weak, and will take several decades to take shape again.

China will continue its economic growth but will inevitably hit a wall at some point. Xi Jinping will die between 2030 and 2040.

Late stage American capitalism continues. However, the big companies we all know and hate will eventually fail, leading to a recession and eventually leading to better pay and workers' rights.

[headspace-hotel]

3 questions:

1. How do you carry the heavy burden of having so many correct beliefs plus the rare combination of motivation and the right approach to making the world a better place? 2. Does your back hurt?

3. What do you think about David Pearce's utopian idea that a sufficiently technologically advanced future society could and should one day abolish (or at least minimize) suffering, partly by redesigning the biosphere and its inhabitants to be kinder and gentler to each other? IMO that could involve bioengineering predation out of existence.

Sorry if I already asked you about this. You seem very smart and seem to know a lot about ecology so I want to know your thoughts

1. Half the work is fighting very hard against starting to believe this very thing (that I have correcter beliefs than many other people). I hope my posts inspire y'all to read things that are not posts.

2. Not really.

3. The term you're looking for is "life on Earth goes extinct."

But, okay, I've seen this sentiment before, and it is—not that you are, just that the idea is— a naive and arrogant approach to ethics in nature

I don't think it's wrong to change the biosphere. That's what life DOES. It evolves.

But "ending suffering" is an impossible goal because we don't, and in some ways can't, understand suffering scientifically. Suffering is an internal state that is defined only by the perceiver's experience of it. We still do not know the ins and outs of how physical pain works in humans, let alone spicy, obscure emotions like Existential Angst.

People who are concerned with the problem of suffering in nature focus on predation and pain in the animal kingdom—understandable if you have thought about it for under five minutes, but hopelessly incomplete and arbitrary if you consider that a creature's ability to feel and perceive is not determined by how humanlike it is.

There is no reason to think a plant or a mushroom is less capable of "suffering" than a lobster is. Plants and fungi are different; they are not simpler or less advanced or less alive than animals.

The corollary to this is that being marginally more humanlike doesn't mean that a creature "suffers" in the way a human does. When you think about it, living things can perceive "negative" stimuli because the ability to do so helped their ancestors survive. A solitary creature, for instance, wouldn't experience loneliness because being with others of its species isn't really necessary or beneficial for it. It's very likely that a creature that can't change its behavior to accommodate for or help heal an injury, can't experience continuous pain like we can. Does that mean they don't "suffer" as severely as we do? I'm not sure. It's impossible to say. I'm sure we all experience the world profoundly—I'm sure the perception of light by a bryozoan colony and the subsequent growth toward the light and feasting on algae "feels" as potent and spiritual as any of my complicated chordate emotions.

Long story short, stimuli like pain were adapted as responses that help a creature survive by avoiding things that are injurious to its survival. To eliminate suffering, you'd have to invent creatures that don't want to be alive, which would die out and be replaced by creatures that do.

Inventing creatures that don't want to be alive somehow sounds way more fucked up than anything that already exists.

But, hi, we are social creatures. Our survival instincts are overwhelmingly oriented toward seeking safety with other humans. PTSD is a disorder of social misplacement; it develops when the communities we live in don't properly acknowledge and care for our hurt after a distressing experience. We evolved to be able to communicate pain and distress to other humans, which means being aware of our own suffering, and that others can suffer, which explains why we are having this conversation, because wanting to relieve other creatures' suffering is a quality of our species.

I get tags on my posts sometimes referencing how nature is a brutal suffering machine—often when I'm talking about plant cognition and awareness—and it's troubling because that's not the takeaway I want people to have at all.

Because first of all, a healthy ecosystem working "as intended" does a lot to minimize suffering. People see predation as this violent and brutal thing, but for a deer, death by festering injury or starvation or parasite overload related to overcrowding or even old age is a lot more nasty and painful.

A biosphere without predators is unavoidably worse. The buffer on prey populations that predators provide creates optimal conditions for prey, because otherwise, the animals just reproduce to the point where the population can't increase any more because the animals are too sick/starving.

Predation ensures a deer with a horribly mangled broken leg will get picked off instead of limping around for months in pain (something i actually witnessed!). It's not evil. It just is.

If you really wanted to eliminate suffering, you would have to eliminate being alive, and to be completely honest, that is probably not possible. We could not render the Earth completely empty of even single celled organisms if we dumped every toxic chemical into the atmosphere and bombed ourselves with every nuclear weapon. We would still have tough bastards like Deinococcus radiodurans around, and those guys would probably eventually evolve into organisms with the capability to experience pain all over again.

Abiogenesis may be a bitch but life, once it exists, is a Pandora's box that can't be unopened. The first thing to be alive also invented death, and there's no way around that. The monkey-typewriter-room of molecules that let you understand that you exist are going to write out "WOW, THIS FUCKING SUCKS" every once in a while.

When you think about it, the ecosystem as it naturally evolved probably is one of the most low-suffering possible ecosystems, assuming that things that can be considered "suffering" evolved as survival mechanisms, and unnecessary mechanisms for suffering would be eliminated over time due to the detriment they are to survival.

Living things develop survival mechanisms, and this means the ability to distinguish good and bad stimuli. Can't get around that.

Even with the existence of predation and parasitism as important modes of survival, such overtly ""antagonistic"" relationships in nature aren't even dominant. A staggering portion of the biosphere is engaged by necessity in mutualism—most plants form mycorrhizal symbioses and flowering plants are also symbiotically joined to pollinators, not to mention that plants need each other to thrive.

You can view this positively (plants have friends!) or negatively (plants can get lonely...)

[shibara]

I'm in Fandom Trumps Hate and the browsing period has begun!

This year I'm participating in Fandom Trumps Hate! ~ @fandomtrumpshate

If you don't know what it is, in a nutshell, lots of artists, fic writers, and fandom labourers of all kinds auction off their labour for different non-profit orgs that help in a range of ways, from offering aid to different marginalized groups to environmental causes.

A more in-depth look at this event, instructions on how to bid on getting fanworks made of your blorbos for a good cause, and many other questions can be found here: https://fandomtrumpshate.tumblr.com/FAQ

Now, on my side of things, I'm participating within the Malevolent and general Lovecraftian mythos fandom!

For anyone interested in getting art made by me related to those fandoms, this is a pretty good chance to get that at a discount, plus with a great cause behind it, so I'd invite you to check my auction: https://fth2024offerings.dreamwidth.org/311857.html (There's a bit of a hiccup with my post right now, the contact link is down and the example links don't work well in mobile. If you'd like to contact me for any questions, you can bring them to my Discord, username is artofshibara and for some better examples of my work, both Malevolent and otherwise you can browse this folder)

There are only a few Malevolent listings, but there are some amazing artists and writers in there so definitely check them out too: https://fth2024offerings.dreamwidth.org/tag/fandom:+malevolent+%28podcast%29

[leveragehunters]

okay, I have to ask — how do you like your kobo ereader??

I’ve been eyeing one for a while bc I really *don’t* want a kindle, but also *so* many people have a kindle that it feels like it’s the only real option

Holy crap I LOVE IT. It's so much better than the Kindle. (Also: this got long)

I decided to upgrade my old Paperwhite (it was a second gen, so pretty old and small) and I almost got a new Paperwhite automatically (cause I felt much the same as you).

But the Kobos were on the same page and since I'm trying to be less impulsive, I started poking around and they are so good.

I went with a black Libra 2 and it's like the software was actually designed for human beings, unlike the Kindle software, which I think was designed for no one except the devil.

I side-load only and keep all my books organised in collections. The only way to do collections on the Kindle is manually, one book at a time, or jailbreak (and I'm not sure you can jailbreak the new Paperwhites, plus it's such a PITA).

On the Kobo, I can build collections from within Calibre, super fast and multiple books at a time. You can also do them manually on the Kobo, but even that is SO MUCH EASIER than on the Kindle.

The actual screen reading experience is basically identical (you can even side-load the Kindle font if you want it), since e-ink is pretty much e-ink, but it has few extra 'while you're reading' tweaks, like setting the all around margin size of the book (great if you switch between books and comics) and controlling the presence of, and info in, the top and bottom bar (pages left in book, pages left in chapter, percentage left to go etc). It also has a brightness and a warmness setting, so you can tweak those til they're just right for you.

I'm loving the physical page turn buttons so much - way easier than having to swipe the screen. I can hold the Kobo in one hand and just page forward with my thumb. It's also a teeny tiny bit lighter than my old Paperwhite.

I also love that you can 'archive' any books you've bought from Kobo, so they don't show up on the e-reader (you can still get them from Kobo later if you want), unlike Amazon where they're always right there unless you delete them forever. Like I said, I side-load everything, I don't want to see the Amazon-displayed copies. I don't want to see the Amazon displayed ANYTHING.

Kobo also doesn't advertise to you. Even in a non ad-supported Kindle, the home page of the new Kindle software shows trending and suggested books. It's bloody advertising. The home page on the Kobo shows you things about your library, with a discrete text invitation at the bottom to find new books or make a wishlist. There is a 'Discover' tab where you can see suggested books and such, but you have to actively go there, which means you're seeing it because you want to see it.

It's very intuitive to use - there's tabs down the bottom that do what they say on the tin and the settings are clear what they do. If it goes to sleep on 'Books' it wakes up on 'Books'. If you have authors sorted by last name it shows them all sorted by last name (this was endless aggravation on the Kindle which seemed to have an 'I do whatever the fuck I like' approach). It displays a cute little 'sleeping' when it's asleep along with the cover of what you're currently reading (you can turn that last one off).

It natively supports a decent assortment of file types: KEPUB, EPUB, EPUB2, EPUB3, PDF, FlePub, MOBI, PDF, JPEG, GIF, PNG, BMP, TIFF, TXT, HTML, RTF, CBZ and CBR.

I cannot recommend the Kobo Libra 2 highly enough. It's the damn bees knees and I wish I'd gotten one years ago. I can't ever see going back to the Kindle.

Some pics and Calibre details under the cut (which doesn't seem to be working, darn it).

(yes I have been rereading the Kitty series)

The Calibre plugins I grabbed are below, but tbh honest you don't really NEED any of them:

I also converted my library to kepub, which isn't necessary, but gives you some nifty extra reading features.

To create Collections on your Kobo with Calibre

Decide what Calibre column you want to use for setting your Collections (I use tags, because I don't use it for anything else, but you can also make a new column in Preferences or use one of the others).

Make sure your Kobo is ejected then go to Preferences in the toolbar, locate the Import/export section, then click Sending books to devices.

For Metadata Management, choose Automatic management.

Click Apply.

Remain in Preferences, locate the Advanced section, then click Plugins.

Expand Device Interface.

Scroll down and select either Kobo Touch Extended, or if that's not present, KoboTouch.

Click Customize plugin.

Switch to the Collections, covers & uploads tab.

Checkmark Collections.

For Collections columns, enter the name of the Column you're going to use for Collections.

Checkmark Create collections.

Click OK.

Close Preferences and exit and restart Calibre.

Fancy up your library by putting your books in Collections and when you're done, Send to Device and those collections will be there, all nicely and satisfyingly organised on your Kobo.

[y-rhywbeth2]

On the topic of “what deity could Durge convert to who would both protect them and also really piss of Bhaal?” And the fact that I’m on the final book of the Moonshaes, I think Chauntea would probably be one of the most HILARIOUS, absolute slap in the face options for Durge to convert to.

I think I only have maybe 5 or so chapters left of Darkwell (Bhaal’s only just had the idea of making the ravager) so i don’t think he’s aware of Chauntea turning her gaze upon the isles yet (since she hasn’t really done much herself and it’s just been Robyn using her scrolls), but considering how pissed he was at the Earthmother over Kazzy’s, thorax’s, and most of his perytons dying, I can only imagine how mad he’s gonna be when he gets personally defeated by He Who Should Really Keep It In His FUCKING PANTS.

I honestly can’t decide which would piss Bhaal off more. Durge converting to Chauntea or Cyric, although I’m kinda leaning towards Chauntea a bit since she’s Bhaal’s antithesis. I mean at least Cyric is evil.

(The Earthmother is actually part of Chauntea (an aspect, part of her primordial facet as the earth itself from before she was an agricultural goddess), although Bhaal seems unaware of this)

Chauntea is a brilliant choice for Durge. Not only is she Bhaal's antithesis, but she's humble and expects it from her followers. The antichrist, with all that raging ego Bhaal expects from his avatar/child... gives it all up to move to the countryside and go be a humble crop farmer and midwife. If gods could have aneurysms from rage, Bhaal would be having one.

Cyric is a personal insult, and I still wish he'd been a cleric option just because it would piss literally everyone in the game off. Cyricist Durge romancing Gale is probably the funniest way to go if you're trying to upset the gods. Including potentially your own.

I stand behind Bane as a great option, because Bane backstabbing the other two and pissing Bhaal, specifically, off is my hobby (also Bane/Durge is my crackship and I get to make tasteless jokes about it). He does offer to make you Chosen and apparently canonically likes Durge, if we trust Gortash...

Jergal's a fairly basic choice in the form of giving absentee grandad custody rights over his much worse adopted son who is an actively shitty father.

And I'm on my strange Mililan Durge kick from now on. (Milil is fun to me, because of Alfira, and because his whole dogma is about embracing life and making it beautiful and creativity and change and etc. Very antithetical to Bhaal's doctrine of death and destruction. You quit being the antichrist to go to music therapy, join the local choir and run a music shop. This is only marginally better than being a farmer! (Plus Milil is in a situation where he needs to rebuild his faded presence as a god, so he's going to be on the lookout for strong followers to sway to his worship. Durge is potentially at a crossroads of healing from 'the world is vile, everything must die' indoctrination while looking for something to fill the void that faith often leaves, it could be a fateful meeting type of thing.))

There are other good options, though I don't remember them at the moment.

And yes. Somebody whack Tristan over the head and tell him to stop sneaking around with old ladies' corpses who are actually dinosaurs who are actually Malar in service to Bhaal (Or actually Bhaal. He may in fact have fucked Bhaal. Sources vary).

[princesscolumbia]

It's been...

So something happened a week ago that is neither bad nor good, it simply is, and it's happened before, so thankfully the knowledge exists on how to manage and cope.

Now to explain.

Back in the 80s I experienced some mental trauma that hurt me so significantly I wound up 'splitting' into what we now call a system or a plural (I've also seen "plurality"). By the time I was in my early 20s, there were about 8-9 people rattling around in my head and the ones that got the driver's seat had proper names. Of course, at the time we only had Sybil as an "example" of "multiple personality disorder," so people like me kept our damn mouth's SHUT 'cause we knew the second we showed any sign of being neurodivergent in any way that resembled schizophrenic, we'd be marginalized HARD. The person in the driver's seat always (always) responded to my given name and assigned pronouns and never let slip there were whole conversations going on in my head as I was going about my day.

Around the middle 00s there began appearing in online spaces, mostly instant messaging spaces and BBS forums, where people began to express themselves as "multiples" and, I'll confess, the system that was me had too much programmed fear to be one (heh) of those brave souls. Nonetheless I started to see the acceptance (and the pushback) that has become more commonplace today.

Between 2015-2019 I experienced trauma so severe I was in CPTSD hyperarousal for a good chunk of it, which pretty much shattered my mental landscape. I was mentally just completely broken and had no way of really paying attention to more than the moment I was in. By the time I emerged from the 'fog,' I was functionally a 'singleton,' that is, not a system.

Starting earlier this year, there were a few signs that, in retrospect, should have made me well aware of something coming. I started feeling 'foggy' again, but I thought that was the depression and insomnia. The depression and insomnia were major contributors, as well, and REALLY should have been a wake-up call...but that's depression for you. I think the biggest "20/20 hindsight" indicator was starting to write "Double Isekai," a story about a single person who winds up isekai'ing into two people. This was in March.

One week ago yesterday I was in the kitchen emptying the dishwasher when I started, for lack of a better term, talking to myself and expecting an answer. I actually had the thought, "Things would sure be easier if I was a system again."

Considering I'm a transwoman and, with slightly different wording, that's classic egg behavior, the penny dropped and I figured out what was going on.

One week ago plus a few hours I sat my GF down and explained what happened back then, what was happening now, and that I was likely to 'split' soon. She just...accepted it. Barely batted an eye, made sure she still had the right pronouns, and went back to her computer.

I was so relieved I nearly cried. Before the divorce when I'd tried to 'come out' as a system to my then-wife, she had NOT reacted well. (And, in retrospect, it makes more sense how upset she was with me that I seemed so, in her words, "unreliable and inconsistent." All she ever knew of me was a 'guy' who kept changing behavior patterns in, to her, random ways)

As though my GF's acceptance were like permission, the split...happened. I could almost physically feel my head-mate separating from me.

And, as I'm sure you've guessed, I've been writing as though it was me going through all of this, and, more or less, it has. Since this split wasn't due to trauma and had been developing over time, it was far more organic and gentle. There wasn't a horrible tear where suddenly there's this nasty, goth punk with a scar around one eye, a penchant for black leather, and absolutely zero compunction to kill because of how traumatic the creation event was (yes, that was one of my alts in my original system, she was a nasty piece of work that never got a name and was never allowed the driver's seat, but did she ever enjoy hurting our stepmother) We both are full participating members with equal access to all our previous memories, even if we're looking at our past self with different lenses.

That's right, Bunnies, I'm back! The EGS fandom will know the name Helen from my days as "Dame Helen the Leather-clad." Even though I'm knight-emeritus now, I'm still quite proud of what we did during those years of the Order of the Bunny. Still she/her, still so very, very sapphic, and still a bit of a useless lesbian.

That said, there's been some changes.

I'm a dragon, along the lines of the crazy-famous Dragon HRT comic that's been super popular this year. If the body were mine alone and Dragon HRT were a real thing, I'd be partially covered in scales by now. I'm not as into gaming and music and art as my new other half is or the old me was. I'm a mother where the previous alt to bear my name was still trying to figure out how to people, and I'm the one with the head for numbers and driving and focusing on work. Also, even though I'm a woman with she/her pronouns, I'm NB and what might be called 'intersex' or 'futanari,' depending on what generation you're in and what part of the Internet you spend most of your time in.

Yes, I know, not a terribly creative name if you know my given name, but it's the one I chose when I emerged. I started out as what us systems call a fictive. If you go back into some of the comments sections on our writing on AO3, you can see references to proto-me scattered around and referred to as "the little author that lives in my head and looks an awful lot like Ranma-chan." On a somewhat silly note, though the pre-fully-realized version of me served as a sort of mental author for our previously unified self, I'm not the writer. That's Helen.

She/her, all girl, and SUPER sex-positive! I'm a bit (I'll confess) of a horny slut and since I'm bi/pan and Helen pretty much gave me control of the NSFW blog, you're probably going to start seeing more guys there than have shown up in the past. I've got a 'type,' though, and that type does NOT include facial hair or bears.

I can't STAND office work! One of our top priorities right now is to get something else...ANYTHING else to earn money so we can drop the office job we've been doing. It's boring anyway! I wanna get started on streaming, though I will NOT be streaming Star Trek: Fleet Command! That game is a bag of stress and I don't know how Helen plays it without wanting to hurt someone!

One thing that is pretty much ALL me is I like fitness! Before we knew fitness was good and it was something we learned to appreciate, but when I got all that I also got a LOVE for it! I can't wait to get back out there and run again! (...but it's getting into the hot season in Arizona, so we may not be able to just yet)

One amusing thing about this is we both realized we're redheads. The body is, sadly, very blond, but now we've got our first body mod goal we can both agree on and get behind.

Speaking of body mods, we're getting booba! I'm tired of being tiny in the chest 'cause of lousy genetics and craptastic HRT timing! We talked about it and our second major shared goal is saving up for top surgery. And we both want FFS and facial hair removal. Basically, I'm in charge of the body, which means FITNESS UPDATES!

That's right, I'm gonna be one of those annoying running fanatics and there's nothing you can do to stop me! 😆😆😆

In any case, expect changes as we figure things out. One thing we didn't really expect that has, nonetheless, had a pretty major impact is our energy level. It takes A LOT of sugars to keep us both going! There've been times one of us has basically taken a nap just to keep from burning too many calories before the end of the day.

Oh, and do you like these identifier bars? I made 'em! Turns out I'm the artist! If you want your own version for you and/or your alts, check out my new store on ko-fi!

[batsplat]

Tysm for your deep dives into MotoGP I LOVE your posts no matter how long or short, you have such a keen eye and pen for weaving history with narrative and the psychological patterns of the sport. 

I was hoping to hear your take on the decline of the Japanese manufacturers in MotoGP. I’ve only been into the sport since the end of 2023 so still super new!! And I’ve learned so much from ur blog 🙏🏽

Ive been seeing some takes on here about how a lot of prominent MotoGP podcasts present the decline of Yamaha and Honda as a result of the Japanese “culture”. Idk if you’re an avid podcaster so basically there’s this narrative of the Japanese as an isolationist developer which refuses to bring in/poach European engineers and copy off Ducati bc of national pride + historical dominance . Also that they’re too risk adverse and slow to develop and test new parts on the bike.

I Totally agree with the tumblrinas that this  seems very one-note (and racist) analysis to say a “cultural difference” is the ONLY thing influencing the Japanese teams decline over the last decade. Would you know/could guess of any other factors that could’ve led to this decline in performance? Sorry for the long ask <3

never apologise for a long ask, and that's very kind!!

I haven't seen the tumblr takes but I do listen to the podcasts - and yup, some of the discussions of the japanese manufacturers make me pretty uncomfortable. on a semi-related note, sometimes feels like motogp for an individual sport is oddly preoccupied with questions of national character and broad strokes generalisations of entire countries/linguistic groupings/continents? idk, I can't articulate it well, but I do think it's a thing... in any case, the cultural essentialism when it is directed at japan often threatens to take on quite a condescending, patronising tone. essentially propagating a narrative that the wise europeans need to go over to japan to teach them their ways etc etc... it's really not great

now, the problem we're faced with here is that like a lot of people, I get most of my motogp news from the guys who are also doing the podcasts. which means that I am inevitably pretty reliant on them in forming my own opinions on this sport - like,, I'm not going to know all these other factors for the current struggles of the japanese manufacturers if they don't tell me about them. that being said, sometimes it's an issue of framing more than it is of the actual content of the reporting. to the best of my knowledge, it does seem true that japanese manufacturers have stagnated in part because they haven't hired widely enough, including probably from the europeans. this isn't because europeans are inherently better at designing bikes - the japanese manufacturers did dominate the sport for decades, after all - but that's just how things go sometimes... centres of knowledge shift, it's easy to fall behind. right now, for the current formula of the sport, getting yourself dall'igna or a dall'igna protege seems like the way to go. it's not some uniquely japanese national pride or intransigence that has made them so sluggish in embracing the new era... it's mostly just human nature that you're going to be resistant to change if your way has been the right way for a long time, right

worth pointing out that plenty of manufacturers can be arrogant about this kind of thing, including the italians. look at ducati's complacency after winning the 2007 title that sent them on a bit of a downward spiral until around 2014 - not helped by how they didn't rate their star rider and only had a wake up call when they gave their national idol an unrideable trash can for two years. which brings us to another reason for why the japanese manufacturers are doing so badly: the margins being so small nowadays. like, in absolute terms, honda/yamaha aren't dramatically further away from ducati than ducati was to honda/yamaha in circa 2012, but everything is just a lot closer now and you've got a million ducatis plus an assortment of aprilias and ktms to reliably slot into that gap. doesn't help!! so suddenly you're finishing p14 rather than p7 in the championship... a related factor is how strong satellite teams are nowadays; in the alien era, riders not on a factory bike were generally at way more of a disadvantage than they are now. that era specifically also featured quite a 'weak' grid for various reasons related to the impact of the financial crisis, teams lacking resources and dorna making up the numbers with crt bikes, etc... the point is that while on paper ducati's wilderness years look considerably less catastrophic than what's happening now, the strength of the current grid has made honda/yamaha's situation look even worse than it otherwise would. what's happened to the two traditional powerhouses in the series is pretty unprecedented, but not entirely so

that being said, obviously honda and yamaha are in serious trouble - and have been for a while now. you can kinda get into the weeds with both of them about how their competitive situations have developed... honda's overreliance on marc, for instance, their willingness to build a bike nobody else could ride - or how yamaha traditionally treated their satellite teams as customers rather than partners, plus how they never really managed to respond to long-standing rider concerns about the bike that went all the way back to when they had valentino/jorge on their team. (yamaha being chronically underpowered is something that does actually crop up in the mid noughties and never quite went away - there's something kinda fascinating about how motogp bikes in some respects seem to have quite an immutable character.) I wrote a short 'how did we get here' post for honda specifically - and as mentioned in that post, setting aside fabio's 2021 title, the decline for yamaha basically started when the switch to michelins and ecu happened in 2016. on the flip side, you can also focus on the ducati side of the equation and figure out how they've gotten so good, from how they've pushed the sport on in their technical developments with the wings and infernal ride height devices and all of that... how aprilia and ktm have been more willing to just straight up copy them, while the established powerhouses have been more reluctant to change their ways. you can point to how the pandemic (plus the war in ukraine) impacted different manufacturers to differing extents - including of course in making the third japanese manufacturer leave the grid entirely

which is all well and good, but it would still be interesting to get a bit more insight into why it's the japanese manufacturers specifically that have been flagging so badly. it feels like there's a pretty obvious next step here - get some takes from japanese people themselves. this does feel like something english language reporting on motogp in general is woefully short on given how big a role japan plays in the sport... journalists seem far more likely to discuss what has been reported in italian or spanish or german or whatever sources than drawing from japanese publications. which feels like a problem!! I have a twitter list with a few japanese accounts that talk about motogp, and I've tried to poke about to figure out some answers to this issue before. one bloke who seems to be quite well-respected and established in the paddock is akira nishimura, who writes for this japanese site and also occasionally publishes columns in the japanese version of motorsport dot com. now, I'm aware that getting one japanese perspective and drawing conclusions solely on the basis of that isn't ideal, but I reckon getting one japanese perspective is still better than getting none at all. so let's get some of his thoughts!

firstly, here is an article about the transfer of 'brainpower' between suzuki and honda after suzuki left the sport. I thought this was really interesting in terms of discussing some of the structural factors at play here that can help explain why there haven't been more outside hires:

isn't this helpful? cut out all the essentialising bullshit, and here we have some actually useful context. even namechecks the dall'igna move from aprilia to ducati as something that wouldn't really happen with japanese manufacturers - and yes, that does feel like it would be a problem if it means you're trying to figure out this aero business with no outside help. also helps contextualise how the big name hires made by yamaha and very recently honda are pretty significant, given how relatively unprecedented they are. and here is another article about how japanese companies are structured, in the context of poorly timed reshuffles at honda. again, it's not about the japanese needing to be 'shown the way' or some such crap... it's just that right now, the people best equipped to figure out the current formula of bikes are probably being employed by some european manufacturer or other and you probably want to get them on board. you hire their guys and copy their tricks, tale as old as time

then there's this column from last year about ducati's current dominance, which is useful in both giving us some insight about what some of the japanese discourse looks like as well as in providing explanations for the current malaise

that's really the main takeaway, isn't it - it's all part of the competitive cycle. sometimes it's european manufacturers who have had the upper hand, sometimes it's the japanese ones. there'll always be some competitive paranoia and mudslinging going on, as well as heavy criticism of those who are currently losing out - and at times people will get pretty racist about it. also makes sense that a more closed-off approach to knowledge sharing would help you when you're the ones currently winning, right, whereas it'd hurt you when you need to have some knowledge shared with you... ducati is doing really well because they happened to crack the code for how to build the best bikes for this current era in motogp, and the japanese manufacturers probably should have been faster in copying them. that's how it goes sometimes

also - while I haven't differentiated between english language reporters in this post, it is worth pointing out that the bloke I've been citing has been published on the motomatters website and was on an episode of the paddock pass podcast when news first broke of suzuki's withdrawal back in 2022. that one's obviously primarily just focused on suzuki - but it's still interesting, not least because suzuki was at least doing better than honda when they withdrew from the sport. the episode also discusses some historical context surrounding the last time the sport was in crisis in the late noughties with the financial crisis and kawasaki's withdrawal. then there's a thursday paddock notes episode from motegi last year, which included this exchange:

Q: Akira, is it enough to change personnel in Japan, or do you think there also needs to be some harder implementation of a program in Europe? I mean, we see Cal Crutchlow is doing a wildcard appearance this weekend for Yamaha, he was talking a little bit about Yamaha's processes and it does seem that there needs to be kind of a harder effort on both sides of the world for the Japanese to make some big strides quickly. Nishimura: I think only changing personnel doesn't change anything. Probably they will - it's my personal impression but probably they have changed their engineering philosophy, or their organisational structure itself. And [I would say] changing, or fixing. [...] Even if they bring some more from Europe to Japan, that guy cannot work how they want to. So the problem is down to structure itself or their management in engineering.

look. it's a complicated topic and we're not going to get into all the nuances in one tumblr post. obviously you'd want to get a bunch more sources than this from inside japan to get a better sense of what's going on. I am not an expert on the japanese labour market and kind of just have to take this reporting at face value, which isn't ideal. but let's just finish this post off with a list of plausible-ish-sounding reasons for why the japanese manufacturers been struggling so badly (x, x, x):

smaller margins between bikes, more competitive european manufacturers, and the strength of satellite teams exaggerating how far behind honda/yamaha have fallen

ducati bringing in dall'igna, the subsequent aero revolution, and the fact that the other european manufacturers have been more willing to copy ducati than the japanese manufacturers have been

japanese manufacturers being less willing to employ outside hires in their important roles, limiting the extent to which they can make use of ideas already developed elsewhere

a more sluggish development rate, leading to a bike that isn't changing fast enough to deal with the scale of the problem they're facing

somewhat nebulously characterised differences between european and japanese manufacturers, criticising the working process of the latter - in particular their conservatism in making changes to the bikes

the delayed impact of cost cutting measures implemented after the 2008 financial crisis, which has forced manufacturers to rethink their approach to testing. having to operate from both a japanese and european base - in particular in the context of the pandemic - has hindered the japanese manufacturers

a more substantial language barrier between test riders and engineers than in european manufacturers - paired with a conservatism in not letting enough race weekend testing happen. there has been a post-dall'igna cultural shift away from that conservatism in european manufacturers that has helped them progress faster

ducati making better use of their satellite teams, partly by running more bikes and partly just by treating them better (cf yamaha scaring off their satellite teams)

so yeah, I agree with the distaste for some of the english language reporting on this issue - though my issue primarily isn't with the actual content of the reporting as much as it is with how it's being framed, how the problem is being diagnosed. you can say that the current approach to testing probably isn't ideal and also that they need to be poaching more brainpower without talking about how all this reflects the japanese national character or whatever. just... dial down the condescension, guys. and maybe tell us what japanese sources themselves are saying now and again

[magnetothemagnificent]

I know it probably doesn't matter, your blog, your rules. I just wanted to let you know that I was hoping to follow you so I could learn how to be more sensitive to Jewish people, the post I originally saw that made me follow in the first place seemed like you're trying to educate. I'm an educator too, for different topics. I'm also trans.

But because of the jews only thing you have going on (totally your right, no judgment) I can't, because I'll inevitably forget to check the tags and respond to something you don't want gentile input on. Your reactions to people who have done so aren't as kind as I need an educator to be.

I already feel awful because I don't know more about Judaism and your culture. So, I had to unfollow. I only wanted to point out, as another person interested in educating others about my marginalizations, a result you may not have been aware of. If you educate, its really difficult to put blocks like that up and hope for people to learn to do better. Blessings and I hope you do well.

I totally get that, but my blog isn't an education blog. It's a mishmash of a bunch of things I'm passionate about. Sometimes it's stuff about my personal interests, like dentistry, anthropology, and fandoms. Sometimes it's art. Sometimes it's shitposts. Sometimes it's random musings about gender and Judaism and all kinds of stuff. And yes, sometimes it's education. I enjoy educating, but that's not not why I made this blog. If you follow me purely for educational stuff, I'm afraid you're gonna get quite lost.

But that's the issue with people viewing any member of a marginalized group as purely an educator, isn't it?

I don't exist to educate. If you want a blog to follow for just my educational input, I'm a moderator for Is-The-Thing-Jewish. But this blog is my own blog. And currently it's the high holidays and that always means spikes in antisemitism and personal existential crises. Plus my close friend died a few weeks ago, my ex is stalking me again, and my grandfather might have cancer, so forgive me if I'm not going to be the nicest and most welcoming and make more personal posts geared only towards myself or those I consider myself close to. This is my blog, take it or leave it.

And honestly if you only came to my blog to be educated, I'm glad you unfollowed, because I'm not a lesson, I'm a person.

[hrefna-the-raven]

Heart for hire

Fallout masterlist - main masterlist

Summary: It has been some time ago since MacCready and you found each other when you first stepped into the Third Rail. On the same day, after a year, you met again, same spot, same time to cherish in the memory of your first encounter.

Warnings: none I think...

Notes: slightly off canon and I haven't played MacCready's affinity arc yet and no review, this was typed and posted^^ living on the edge despite constant anxiety *whoop whoop* xD

Part 1

Robert spotted you as soon as you walked down the stairs, wearing the exact same blue vault suit you had donned a year prior when you first stumbled into Goodneighbor. A genuine grin unfurled on his face as you casually ambled towards him. The notion that, after all that happened with Lucy, he was fortunate enough to discover love again, still seemed surreal to him. But he knew better than to turn away from the blessing that slept 210 years in a vault only to find him shortly after waking up. Your steps halted in front of the table he was sitting at, humming innocently to yourself as your gaze trailed over his figure. From his seat, MacCready lifted his gaze, his eyes squinting marginally as he mustered all his fortitude to maintain a neutral expression.

"If you're preaching about the Atom, or looking for a friend, you've got the wrong guy. If you need a hired gun… then maybe we can talk."

A soft chuckle echoed within you as he reiterated the same statement he had flung at you one year ago.

"What makes you think I'd be an Atomite? And who knows? Maybe you'd want me to be your friend?"

He snorted softly, the corners of his lips curling into a familiar amused smile from back then. His little vault dweller sauntering through the Third Rail, tossing back her audacious retort with the same bravado.

"I don't make friends", he threw back at you playfully, followed by a flirtatious wink, "I fear we'd get too close and our lips might accidentally touch."

Innocently, you shrugged, drawing a chair beside him and settling down. You evaded his look as if it were a blazing inferno, fearful of being consumed by its flames, incapable of continuing the little teasing game the two of you were playing.

"Oh you know, I was told that accidents tend to happen quite a lot in the Commonwealth."

Grinning devilishly, you reached for his beer, took a hearty gulp before putting it back on the table, finally holding his gaze. His face contorted into a mock surprise, melodramatically placing a hand over his heart.

"The nerve of you!"

You signaled to Whitechapel Charlie for another round and shifted closer to MacCready, inhaling deeply to steady your nerves as you savoured the unique blend of Gwinnett pils and gunpowder that marked his scent.

"You seem a little young to be a hired gun. Tell me your story and the next few drinks are on me."

Charlie's interrupted you, the robot hummed cheerfully as he placed the beverages on the table and disappeared again. Robert exhaled sharply, consuming half of his beer in a single gulp to steady his nerves.

"First you're drinking my beer, and now you want to hear my life story… What's next? My social security number?", he quipped.

You chuckled at his comment, your heart almost melting at the fact that he would remember the little things you told him about the life you lead before the war.

"I'm simply intrigued by this handsome man sitting all alone in a place like this, plus I have no other engagements for tonight, so if you'd be so kind and satisfy a lady's curiosity", you whispered enticingly, your fingers playing around the bottle's neck, moving up and down before taking a drink.

The more your fingers played with the bottle, the more MacCready found himself fixated on them, suppressing an urgent groan that welled up in his throat.

"Handsome man, huh? Well, there's not much to tell… stuck in Little Lamplight, never knew my parents."

He finished off his drink, releasing a contented sigh as the mild buzz from the alcohol gradually spread through his body. A calm evening, no impending disaster in sight, there was no other place in the whole Wastelands he'd prefer over this very spot.

"My, my, what a tragic story", you gently stroked his shoulder, your fingers leisurely tracing a path down his torso, "but the poor handsome merc hasn't told me his name yet. Or is that as mysterious as his past?"

Your hand settled flat against his chest, sensing his heart rate quickening beneath your touch. His lips quivered subtly under your gaze, struggling mightily to suppress the temptation to kiss you.

"That's a mystery for you to figure out", he leaned closer to you and whispered, "but I have that very close friend who calls me Mac."

A soft laugh escaped your lips as you recalled the moment you had chosen that nickname for him when he first revealed his name. It took him some time to get used it, persistently expressing his displeasure at the moniker you had chosen until the day his heart succumbed to your affection. Since then, the once hated nickname became the song your heart sang to his each day, a tender tune he would never tire of. MacCready felt the threat of drowning within the craving sea of his desire for you, the screaming of his longing for you grew deafening, making it impossible for him to continue denying your lips. His arms wrapped around your waist, drawing you from your seat to his welcoming lap, as his lips passionately locked with yours. Only when breath became a necessity did you part, gasping and laughing softly as you affectionately rubbed your nose against his.

"Having met you, having you this close to me has made me happier than I've ever been before", he murmured, his face nestled in the curve of your neck.

A year ago, he lingered alone in the Third Rail, drinking to numb his mind, a desperate attempt to escape the sad truth of a dead wife and a son in the merciless grip of an unknown plague, well aware that the gunners might show up and finally put a bullet through his head to end his despair-ridden existence. But instead a different kind of trouble found him that night, the kind of trouble that would plant its roots in his heart, flourishing and growing into the most beautiful thing he could have never dreamt of. It took him quite some time to finally see the true blessing of you choosing to annoy him that night, stubbornly clinging to his side and dragging him along while fighting for the freedom of the people in the Commonwealth and to free your son from the clutches of the Institute. You were the silver lining on his horizon, the sunshine he had eagerly waited for after enduring numerous calamities in his existence. His thoughts fleetingly flitted back to the silver ring he had spotted in Fallon's basement shop back in Diamond City. Maybe he'd quickly drop by tomorrow, praying that it had not yet been purchased by someone else in the meantime. He had not yet planned on how exactly he'd ask you How he would propose was yet to be determined, but his conviction was unwavering - he desired, no he needed, you to be his wife, being bound together in love. Eventually, he dreamt of a time when your sons both would reunite with you and in good health, finally enabling you both to enjoy the serene family life that both of you longed for.

Feel free to reblog if you enjoyed the story :)

[keikakudom]

I wonder if Angel recognized vox? It must be a little awkward to be staying at a resort sponsored by your boss's former partner, to avoid your boss. Speaking of which, is the resort still free? (Weird attention point I know) bc it seems like lots of people would take advantage of its facilities without bothering w redemption if it were free, so how do they deal with it?

Omg, these are two things I've actually thought about. A LOT.

Okay, so for Angel's situation(I'm fine with explaining it briefly, because it might be /awhile/ until I get to posting about his design):

Yes, he recognizes Vox, but he's also in sort of a sweet deal right now, also thanks to Vox; Angel lives at the resort, but it's also his workplace. Charlie knew vaguely about Vox's association with the Vees, she's not blind to Hell politics in this AU. When Vox negotiated with Valentino to recruit Angel Dust to be an entertainer/stripper for the resort(since Angel's a celebrity and having a permanent show there for him would definitely bring in an audience), Charlie made sure that any contracted souls would have a place for refuge at the resort.

So in this AU, Angel isn't a pornstar anymore(cough hint hint: this also means that Valentino shifted away from porn. Crazy? I will go more into this later). I imagine this like an additional, temp clause to Angel's contract; as long as he brings in an audience/revenue and keeps up numbers at the resort, he gets to keep a better QoL. Is he grateful to Vox? No, cause Vox could've easily done this throughout the years he'd known Angel + made the margins of his newfangled freedom more than the bare minimum to appease Charlie and benefit Vox's interests. Charlie hasn't been around their circle nearly enough to figure that out, nor is very keen on all the details surrounding this; she only thinks that Vox barely managed to snag a deal from Valentino for Angel's new conditions.

And for your second question-- yep, the resort is still "free!"

Anyone can check in and partake in their general services(redemption, blah blah blah). That doesn't mean it's not profitable. Just like public malls, or other types of casual resorts and casinos, they make revenue from the very environment. Advertisements, upgraded amenities, exclusive entertainment and shows-- the very fact that the CEO of Voxtek, PLUS the Royal Family of Hell are sponsoring this resort? Oh, now it sounds like hot shit. Sinners might not even be /too/ interested in redemption, but it's a spectacle of entertainment that's so unique to the rest of Hell. The visit is sweetened by the idea that Sinners have a place to be "safe" from their contracts. Obviously, this isn't exactly true but it's the brand, the image, that Vox has designed for the resort to project. A certain Radio Demon has a lot to say about that.

And you're right! Does this mean that they'll stay there forever, if they lack any redemption efforts to leave? Whooo knows. Vox has his own ideas on "dead product". I have a comic script written about this, so I'll leave that there.

Thank you for the questions, it gave me a chance to spill the beans somehow!! I know there are a lot of unanswered questions here too, but hopefully it gave a bit more understanding to how the resort functions :"D