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Makima, devils and self-fulfillment
Dumping some Makima and CSM thoughts after a part 1 binge bc I think about her forever and ever. I’m sure I’m forgetting some devil lore, feel free to correct what i get wrong/what’s been confirmed. On the table of contents there’s why & how Makima got fixated on Chainsaw, her revealing liking for the country mouse and discussion of her nature & emotions & desires. Was the scorpion doomed to be a scorpion?
The most of this post was thought of during a conversation with @saccharineomens and I don’t think it makes sense to jump into the spiral it sent me on without first laying down the interesting groundwork theorizing she did:
"Thinking about how makima herself wants to be deified. I wonder whether she recognizes the difference between Love As Worship and the love that Aki, Power, and Denji had. She says she wants to help humanity by having Chainsawman eat the “bad” devils, but why does she want to help humans? Because she was ordered to by the Prime Minister? No, her drive seems much more personal than that, it seems like she teamed up with the PM for contractual reasons. (In the most recent chapters we see governmental members wanting certain devils to be eaten, too. What was Makima’s relationship with them? She’s too independent to just follow THEIR orders, she’s Control.)
So is she wanting to better humanity for the accolades, or out of the goodness of her heart? She sees the big picture. She sees any small sacrifice as worth it for the end result, and she’s ruthless. Perhaps she thinks that a more sedate human race would be easier to control? But Makima doesn’t loathe humanity. She never acts like she sees all humans as lesser. She loves humanity’s creations, like good food and movies. She just wants Good Things all the time
She says she prefers the country mouse BUT adds a story where she helps exterminate country mice like vermin. She likes the simplicity yet rejects the idea of being simple. Makima the complex individual you are"
~
The story itself seems to prefr the country mouse. Well- it strikes a balance, shows that a risk to live good & fully can be very worth it, but still that stability over ambition is preferable, proning having a simple happy life over fame, a simple job instead of a dangerous one, etc etc. And I do find Makima’s answer on this so so interesting, she prefers the country mouse, but this preference isn’t out of affection or sympathy but because of how relaxing it feels to exterminate them when they cause problems.
Order satisfies her. Her order satisfies her. She likes the action of rooting out disorder. Maybe this is the devil part, like how Power especially wants blood and drinking it, I feel there’s an itch to every devil, and for Makima it’s a very rigid world view/morality/standards & making things follow her rules and submit to her order.
And maybe this is why she’s attached to humans too, why she felt it was worth it to stick with the government- because devils are chaotic by nature (it’s a whole plot point that hell is essentially a free-for-all battleground for example), meanwhile humans are the species that universally rule Earth with systems they invented and instilled. They made then enforced rules, complex and intricate webs of them. She feels alienated amongst devils but she understands the humans’ need for an orderly organised society, and now she wants to be part of it. Control and conquest require social dynamics after all, requires civilizations or groups. War is chaotic while peace is, well, peaceful— Makima resents her sisters for being death, famine and war, things that throw the world in such chaos. She wants a world of perfect order, no matter how much collateral damage there will be if the end result is control.
This is even more interesting if you consider that yes, Makima is untouchable of her own design, she deifies herself with her omnipresent amount of control and the sway over others that she seeks and encourages— There is this urge to dehumanize her for it, that yes, she is the devil of control and that means she was never going to be any different, have any more feeling be any less uncanny. And I love part 2 so much for this, because it shows us the war devil and the famine devil and we see how frankly uncharismatic with poor self-discipline they are, Nayuta too, and it helps us realize just how much Makima’s success was self-made.
She admires Chainsaw Devil, the Hero of Hell, because he had his own code and his own rules and he made Hell, the chaos pit, submit to them unfailingly. Wherever he goes he decides what he does and what happens to the people he encounters but does so consistently, he has his mechanism and his rules that he always obeys, and he fulfills them every time. It’s still a mystery the why of Chainsaw Devil’s behavior back then and how it works exactly, maybe Pochita left hell because he was tired of these rules he lived by like chains, but still, he was a servant to his code. Makima would have been glad being killed and eaten by Chainsaw Devil because it’d have been becoming part of his design, his conquest, his domination, she’d have been part of that —his— order. Through her death she would be shaping his world and be part of a conqueror’s making history. Like how she appreciates the country mice that die for the sake of order. Like how sacrifices must be made to herself, like listing the name of every person whose life was lost to the Gun Devil— All for the ~greater good~, for her vision for the world. Conquest always thinks its reasons are justified.
And she does mention with the country mice thing that she goes out to a friend’s farm every year! She has a human friend?? That she visits yearly and she genuinely likes it?? Ultimately she lives a busy city life because of her goal and drive and her urge & satisfaction with overseeing shaping the world herself, but part of her, like so many characters including Angel and Aki and Reze, wishes she could live a slow peaceful country life. Moviegoing and dogs and mice in a farm- Wouldn’t it be so much simpler if Makima could find fulfillment and happiness in being a farmer, in keeping control of her own farm, getting satisfaction from exterminating vermin and expertly getting everything right, the right crops grown at the right time on the right soil? Here, too, in a way it’s trying to have full control of an ecosystem, but her goals would be easier to achieve and better, without ceaseless sacrifice or much pressure. But Makima wants grandiosity and her goal does matter to her on a fundamental and moral level, she does think she knows what’s best for the world, and with the power to change it why wouldn’t she strive to? Visiting the farm is just a break, just something she does in fall to help out and just in time to see the vermin extermination. It calms her, then it’s back to actual work.
In capitalism, even the one at the very top of the ladder is ultimately alienated from others and often unsatisfied by their lifestyle, always wanting more and more power because surely that’s the extra edge they must be missing to be content— like how Makima thinks she wants to dominate Chainsaw Devil instead of being his equal. And she says it herself too, she likes humans the way humans like dogs…….. And she keeps so many dogs :( Makima prefers the country mice because they’re calming to root out, maybe because she usually mainly deals with city mice. It’s very easy to equate humans to the mice in this allegory because it’s pretty direct and she’s already likened humans to lesser animals compared to her. She’s self-isolating by design for her design but she still craves relationships and contentment, and the dogs are the embodiment or her want for bonds and occasional simplicity because there is no possible ulterior motive, no way they tie back into her wider plan. They’re her personal life— something that feels so alien when speaking about Makima. Personality and individuality and likes and preferences and friends they visit every year. She likes how easily she can train a dog and how they become putty in her hands, at her beck and call, how much they love her and how much she enjoys their love. How simple and straightforward and easy it is. She keeps them because she likes being loved by them and loving them, and she’s gotten and raised so many. A conqueror always wants more and more and more, is never satisfied.
Devils and agency
Like Power the blood devil wanting blood and having a fixation on drinking it like with Denji’s, or how it was shocking that the violence devil was pretty tame and nice and how he himself theorized it was because he was a fiend and possessing a human body… There’s something to be said about nature vs nurture with the devils. The way they reincarnate and always embody their fear makes it seem categorically like nature, that they always always end up fulfilling the role they were named after and born to fill… Outside influence they’re helpless but to conform with. Like the humans accepting their spot in the social ladder and the shittiness of their living conditions and job under capitalism. Makima craved being equals with someone despite being the control/conquest devil, Angel Devil despite claiming to be a devil who likes to see humans dying was haunted by their deaths and wanted to avoid ones like Aki’s. The Ghost Devil being ironically haunted by Himeno, seemingly helping Aki in her memory out of… Lasting affection? Or maybe it was less about being haunted itself and more about it recognizing how Himeno haunted Aki, and acknowledging that, with the memento, paying her respect to the ghost of her. It’s Angel Devil’s devil nature that makes him like human suffering, so then is it his angel nature too to still care about their deaths? Is there truth to this or is that just personality, just our confirmation bias haunting every part of their identity like it might in their own view of themselves too? We do know different reincarnations of devils do have different personalities after all.
Yoru, war devil, is the most interesting one when talking about the nature vs nurture debate with devils. There is how through her we see the perhaps the most the consequences of a devil stopping being feared— we see a horseman for a concept as universal and horrifying as war be reduced to some bird who needs a contract with a human to have any power even just on the situation when meeting Asa. And through the story we get to know her better, and it becomes clear that her goal is fueled in good part by simply wanting to be remembered and respected through fear. Liked, validated, seen a powerful. But what is more isolating than war? Or control? We also see Nayuta accepting others’ house rules. If part 1 shows perhaps the futility of running away from the truth, with Denji’s memory, with escapist coping mechanisms, with passivity and denial under a corrupt system and with abusive relationships- running away from your own feelings and from the reality of things and from all that you are, more complex than simply human or devil or both or neither— part 2 builds upon the theme of cult of personalities, the chainsaw church, etc. The apocalypse is coming, but this celebrity superhero might save us all, or doom us all uh, dunno. The hero of hell reliving the cycle of pressure from responsibilities and expectations, maybe the part will end with Denji running away like Pochita did~
But yes, on the reverse, I think Famine is a very interesting example of how a devil’s namesake may be more innate than coerced by circumstances. One would think that a famine devil would only like inflicting famine upon others, not being famished itself, but Famine has a bottomless stomach that can never, ever be satisfied, sated. I struggle to find a psychological explanation for this, except that maybe instead of her being hungry it’s her feeling empty when she’s not eating, tasting and having that high sensory experience that releases serotonin in humans, sort of like drugs? But I do take this as a step towards the compulsion theory overall, feels like a reach in the consistency otherwise. And compulsion does not mean it’s something that they like nor that it’s something that they fight against, pretty neutral, just a nature that nudges you towards one path. Maybe it’s even just their go-to for entertainment. Maybe it’s the only thing that makes them feel right and whole. But still the debate remains, what is it, a compulsion or an urge or an itch or an active desire or a conscious chosen want? Does it change anything in practice?
And because of all of this earlier, devils being self-fulfilling prophecies with their role is not in unsignificant part nurture, because doing their atrocities is how they stay remembered— feared, powerful, known— hell and devils are a very isolating place and breed after all, and we do see devils can want companionship. Existentially, it’s their purpose and how they justify their place in the world, in the terrifyingly vast and unknowable cosmos.
We still know so little of what makes Chainsaw Devil so special, why his carnage is so self-controlled. Despite a chainsaw maybe being possibly one of the most "nature" thing you can be— a tool to cut things, a human tool that can be helpful for many things, something to be wielding by another at their judgement on what they decide, but mainly something to cut, a tool suited for carnage, to hurt and to destroy. A blade with a toothed chain, spinning around and around and around endlessly on the same road at the same pace. Such a…. Innately circular concept. And yet the Chainsaw Devil is his own, not driven by an urge or by chaos but his very own brand of order, his own unique assigned purpose, a "if you call i’ll come running to help" policy equalizing everyone. He chooses to withhold his destruction and interference otherwise, and then he chooses to be used. If it’s a choice, of course.
Maybe this is what inspired Makima so much, that Chainsaw Devil could decide what to make of himself despite expectations or innate role. Because even Hell he decided & managed to subjugate under his will and whim, with a precise vision and process. When Chainsaw Devil acts like Denji or is defeated, Makima clicks her tongue and loses her admiration and respect. Makima admired and liked Chainsaw Devil, but only as long as he matched her great image of him in her mind, as long as he followed he rules for what she thinks he should be like. She admired him for his unrivaled self-made success, but once he stepped out of that to truly embody self-fulfillment and agency, disappearing from hell to live on his own road at the beat of his own drum… Well. Surely that was a mistake she has to correct. However their second battle ends, the better conqueror will have prevailed and she’s happy about that, all in the spirit of domination and subjugation.
Imo Makima’s biggest tool, similarly capitalism’s most helpful effect for its own purposes, is complacency. Resignation and passivity helps uphold the system and go along the flow of the will of the people in power. Aki and Reze go along with orders even when knowing their job is trash, etc. In Angel Devil especially we see him go along with the flow uncaring about anyhing, and we discover it was in part due to Makima taking away memories that motivated him. If every devil decides this is just how things are and how things should be that’s what they’ll continue to be and do mindlessly, not pursuing a better life like Chainsaw Devil and Denj and not seeking to change the world like Makima. I think even Makima veils herself to a lot of things, she doesn’t like to think deeply about some things, like her desire for connection, or how making bad movies disappear is strenuous and unsustainable and requiring sacrifices at best— how her judgement is as subjective as anyone else. How liking the country mouse and her friend back at the farm and her dogs could be not devoid of sentimality. Wanting bad movies erased is her one biggest show of selfishness, of pettiness and individuality, it’s about her tastes, simple as. About how she can have tastes, and cry seeing a scene of people hug, and want things that aren’t logical, her ideology and mind twisted into a pretzel to avoid acknowledging that she doesn’t live and breathe purely for the mission she’s made a single-minded robot out of herself to accomplish. Nayuta is assertive and selfish and loud, Makima is manipulative and strategically both for her goals and for coping hollow.
Everything in her plans and goals she says is for the greater good, necessary evil, manufactured happiness the way she’ll have decided for people— and that’s the thing isn’t it, like with War, it’s the crack that shows it was all truly about herself after all. Her self-made deification still had the flaw that a self made it. Makima is not omniscient, and it’s not Chainsaw Devil the not-so-fellow-kindred-soul conqueror who gets the best of her, but a city mouse, a dog, someone she would have never thought to respect, Denji.
#Fumi rambles#Chainsaw man#makima#analysis#meta#The goal is moreso me dropping thoughts than being flawless on every aspect of the lore so if and when i get things wrong b merciful….#Maybe her liking of control is why she remembers the ww2 authoritarian fascists. I don’t want to say the word jic for tumblr search#Pity is never a factor When mercy is a sign of a talentless actor#And as you grow its hold on your throat starts to falter And once you go beyond pure humanity's border#You will come back like a dooooog 😭#This’d be a different topic but. I don’t think makima likes denji as much as one of her dogs. If so i’d say it was in the moments where#she brought him to movies but even then….. i think she has more fondness for her dogs bc w denji it was indifference and derision#I love you please humiliate me / strip my dignity and laugh my honey#God. God i’m fine. I’m so okay about csm#Makima has a cryptic but strong sense of morals?? That doesn’t align with ours obvi but#‘Someone like you has no right to wish for a normal life do they?’ What do you meannn what do you meannnnn#What is this contempt for denji. Does she see herself as moral or part of those that are city mice bc they’re undeserving of a calm life???#Maybe famine only feels fed on humans and their blood 🤔 or their fear. man idk idk idk idk but i wanna see more of her quirks#And before someone says ‘but every demon likes to drink blood’ power is especially fixated on it tho cmannnn#Did Angel lie when he said he liked seeing humans die?? Did his haunting thing become worse after meeting Aki?? Did he suppress it#because he feels like he doesn’t belong as a devil??? bc he’s suppressing his memories of the villagers he cared about??#Has he just been trying so hard not to care for so long. Passive bc he thought that’s all he could or should be#AGHHHHH#Spoilers#There’s a lot more i’d have liked to touch on like the popular theory that Makima was *raised* by the government#and i’ve seen a take that the ‘my friend at a farm’ thing is all euphemism from makima about her troublesome human killing job ykyk#but i think the phrasing is too literal and natural for that. The snow and soil talk everything. It’s a perfect allegory but it can be both
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screencaps from the connor bedard livestream 09.07.24
#technically the 6th in vancity time but i don’t think that truly captures the insanity of the moment so#1 am watching this live was painful#connor bedard#vids incoming in a sec#also the top left one isn’t mine#it’s from twt but i don’t remember the account#so sorry#please message me for credit op if you see this !#connor bedard livestream 09.07.24
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so uh tumblr ask done let you send links but uh your bill comic got a dub!!
Thank you for letting me know ❤️ I was never aware about this one 💥
#bear answers#mama look I’m in one of those comic dub compilations on youtube 🫵#big artist moment/silly#I don’t think they asked for permission (or maybe I just don’t remember)#if you guys ever see a dub of my comic please lemme know#some ppl never say me about it lmao 💥#nice polite ppl who ask for permission spoiled me fr/ pos😭
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WTFFF I thought thirteen would be my new girl crush love of my life heart eyes wife you-came-after-twelve-you-must-be-better-than-they're-all-saying bbygirl and then I had to sit down and watch as she told a man who (if he were not a murderer, of course) literally every regeneration before her would've LOVED and FULLY SUPPORTED that "the systems aren't the problem. how people use and exploit the system, that's the problem. people like you" </33333 !?!?
#WHERE IS THAT POST THAT SAID NINE WOULD KILL THIRTEEN FOR BEING A CLASS TRAITOR#WHY WOULD YOU SAY “ERODE PEOPLE'S TRUST IN AUTOMATION” ALL WORRIED AND CONCERNED LIKE THAT???#WHEN DID YOU START LIKING AUTOMATION OVER PEOPLE THINKING AND DOING THINGS FOR THEMSELVES???#AND WHY ARE YOU TRAVELING WITH A COPPER??? WE HATE COPPERS??????#did we FORGET into the dalek?? how about how he treated danny?? god there's so much more I can't even remember off the top of my head#(I understand soldiers are different from cops but c'mon don't even PRETEND twelve would've been any nicer if blue or danny were just COPS)#also a bit off topic bUT MAY I JUST TALK ABOUT ARACHNIDS IN THE UK FOR HALF A GODAMNED SECOND—#I know the companions are usually the ones to do the doctor's dirty work here but like#I just can't see the other doctors NOT having the business man lure the spider for being so fuckin annoying about it#like I was genuinely surprised when they had him do that whole song and dance about not doing it and then he actually just. didn't do it#the doctor LOVES fucking with evil rich business men this is PERFECT. plus why not get back at him for being awful to their companions?#absolutely gobsmacked thirteen let him act like that. I am wrong in thinking that the others would've shut his shit down a LOT quicker??#anyways. I love jodie whittaker and it's just so upsetting to have her doctor do something so wildly off#THIRTEEN PLEASE I HAD SUCH FAITH IN YOUUU I WAS IGNORING THE HATERS AND FOR WHAT#I can SEE the other doctors in her still I can FEEL them they're there she's doing an AMAZING job but. oh my god. what did they make her do#I can't even say she feels ooc as a whole because jodie is bloody brilliant. it's just these... moments. that don't make ANY sense to me...#especially coming off of twelve?? I get the radical personality switch but that belief is a core part of the doctor. or at least I THOUGHT#thirteenth doctor#doctor who#I still love all of you who love her and reading ur posts/fics but I. will not be making any myself. I do not think.
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we need to talk about an AU where Janson gives up on trying to find a Cure and instead starts focusing on making himself an army so that when the Cranks inevitably break down WCKD's walls, he can survive
Minho being trained into a soldier. In fact, he's kind of Janson's test dummy. His body is the strongest, the most resistant, so Janson tries out different "training" methods on him first.
Brainwash included. Maybe Janson even repurposes the fear simulator. As a hijacking method. Or maybe a punishment. Be a soldier or go insane.
#just reread Hunger Games and I'm losing my mind#Minho losing himself and becoming a fucking assassin my goddamn beloved PLEASE I need it so badly#both Thomas and Newt refuse to hit him. Brenda and Teresa end up being the ones to knock him out#he wakes up in Paradise under lock and chain. doesn't recognize Brenda and doesn't remember anything#he doesn't try to kill Brenda so everyone feels comfortable sending Thomas in. The moment Minho sees Thomas he's straining in his chains#Thomas thinks he's trying to hug him and gets close. Minho grabs his neck and starts strangling him with all his might#tmr minho#death cure AU#maze runner#rambles#I don't take constructive criticism because I'm not wrong
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Maybe something with Mousey being jealous of Hunter and Smoker for one reason or another? hehe
Day 7 - There might be a reason for that
Bonus:
#My art#Requestober#RespectAWoman#Hunter#Smoker#Mousey#Always love when my bonuses are just as if not more technically complex than the main lol#I mean I say that but it was more just tedious to move things between EPSAI2 and GIMP lol#Chibi heads bopping around and a bust-up are not as intensive! My poor hand haha ♪#So this is my first time drawing the ladies digitally huh?? Or at least this trio anyhow haha I'll draw the other two someday#Considering Mousey is my favourite of all of them and her dynamic with Charger was one of my driving loves <3#I also realized while drawing this that she (as a survivor) and Max have the same outfit so that's ♥#White button down and khakis are fairly standard I know let me live XO I love them!!!#Went with pre-infected here tho ♪ When Mousey's still focused on Smoker! Hehe yaay#She's so cute <3 Love that wonderful disaster <3 <3 And also the mains as well!!! Lol#They were actually a lot of fun to draw digitally haha ♪ Hair touching - kind of all over touching lol Hunter's just Like That#I did kinda forget about Hunter's camo pants so I leaned on my SAI textures - but I did the shines on her duct tape myself! Pleased :)#I was thinking at first of Hunter offering Smoker a soda but she pushes for Smoker to be healthy huh!#So I was thinking maybe a weird-flavoured sports drink or sugar-free lemonade or something lol#And the usual ribbing lol Mousey do you know what you're wishing for ♫#I had a moment while drafting where I was like ''Where was the one of Smoker playing Tetris?? :0''#I 100% completely totally remembered it in full colour - but no that was just my brain filling in the details lol it was a sketched comic!#Whenever I think of RespectAWoman that's just the style I see in my head so my mind's eye took it from there pft#I found it in the end ♥ Had to make reference to it! As it's one of my favourites :D
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sometimes you need to go back and listen to the music you liked when you were 13 because it's good for you. and no im not talking about like emo nostalgia in this case we have enough posts about that. im talking about dad rock. actually im just talking about barenaked ladies
#idk if i'd call barenaked ladies dad rock per se but every once in a while i'll hear a song and go MAN. I REMEMBER THAT#i had so many oc animatics in my head about this one....#anyway skrunk lore moment but i had a really intense bnl phase for like 8 months in early middle school which explains a lot about 13 y/o me#in a neutral way but like. yeah. anyway go listen to box set for me.#you don't have to listen to anything else even though i still have a great fondness for a lot of it bc it's one of those things where it's#so familiar to me that i don't even know if i think it's good or not. but box set goes hard and i'll stand by that#in the car and hello city and i'll be that girl and spider in my room AND CALL ME CALMLY and blame it on me and alternative girlfriend and#the flag and when i fall and the king of bedside manor and am i the only one.... ohgh#AND YES IT'S BASIC BUT IF I HAD $1000000 IS COZY. IT'S CUTE OK#OH and it's all been done for all your immortal/reincarnation ship needs. well. a certain vibe anyway#and alcohol. and OH MY GOD I FORGOT JANE. AND INTERMITTENTLY and break your heart.... waaaaaaa#man they have way way more albums than i thought they had#i can only really speak for gordon born on a pirate ship and maybe you should drive actually but. i like those#or i Did like them. havent relistened but even looking at the titles is making me giggly like... i forgot some of these#ALSO SHOEBOX IS A FRIENDS SONG?? WHUH?#or maybe it was used in friends? idk. no thoughts on friends but they did music for just the dumbest shit. ignore that for me please#ANYWAY. going to go listen to all of that now bc im having a moment. if you listen to it and don't like it um. don't think less of me lol <3
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Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:
fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure
ALSO-
*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!
#ALSO DO NOT READ THE TAGS IF YOURE HERE FOR A GOOD TIME!!!!#ENDED UP VENTING AGHHHHH- (<- amongus ref in 2024???? l+ratio) (no but seriously stay safe; im not sure if i should add a cw???)#no but like the cars themselves?#FOLDED-#ive seen photos of worse ones of course lol (ty internet <3)#but we´re all in agreement that if it had hit anywhere else at that speed it wouldve been BAD Bad-#like; severe injury to the leg at least; drivers door wouldve crumpled; thankfully it hit the tire mostly#our car got what seems to be the lesser damage and theyre still debating if it counts as total loss xd#also oh goshhhh#so i usually go and say goodbye to my dad when hes headed to work; i did it that day as usual; car was already halfway out the driveway#my dog also loves to go and she was already in the car#but my mom (taking my dad to work) said she´d need to stop by the store after dropping dad off; so she handed her back to me#last minute descision-#my dog is a small kinda elderly chihuahua and wouldve been on my mom´s lap when they crashed#no seatbelt for her obviously#she wouldve gotten injured so freaking bad if she was there ):#overall feels like we dodged a life altering accident by a hair#i wasnt even in it and im still shook hahaha#i always go say bye to dad if hes leaving for work no matter if im pissed off or sad or whatever#half out of habit; half bc i know anything could happen at any moment and id rather not have been too proud to say goodbye#dammit im crying now hahaha#saying again; everyones fine!!!!! please remember to hug your loved ones !!!!!!#shut up sheo#but oh gosh too many reminders of death as a constant recently#that happened about a week after a cousin died; i hadnt seen him in forever but his family went to our church growing up; he was my age#it was a dull and distant pain even then to hear the news but it still hurt; i didnt go to the funeral#did go to the one a couple days later tho; for a family member i truly didnt know; it was a car crash i think#a special kind of heartbreak from meeting his mom and seeing his kids running around#now that i realize it; as im writing this; i hadnt stopped to process just about anything hahaha#freaking sobbing at 9 in the morning smh!!!!!
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Crying over Kinniku and Iromatsu, cry with me @ the "Karamatsu dies and becomes a ghost and does his best to pretend he's still alive" fic (linked as a source)
#Osomatsu-san#mr Osomatsu#fic rec#Karamatsu#so everyone knows kaijuumatsu is the greatest thing since sliced bread to me#thinking about (spoilers) Jyushimatsu realising that he's looking at his dead brother and that the expression he's looking at is the same#expression of surprised terror that Karamatsu wore upon death and that that was the last thing he felt and Jyushi feeling so afraid that he#had to leave the room and KARAMATSU'S HEART BREAKING WITH EVERY STEP HE TOOK because all the saw was his little brother#(the brother that lets him baby him the most too and gosh Kinniku are so tight they vibe so well together) being afraid of him????#i feel ill ILL going insane#and the iromatsu one-sided argument oh my god#Will there ever be a more superior trope than Ichimatsu getting mad at Karamatsu for lying and keeping things from them. i don't think so.#i just think of the pizza skit and how focused Ichi was on Karamatsu revealing his honest thoughts about his stupid his siblings were being#and i think of them in highschool and how it's hinted that they were close until ichi made popular friends and imagine being Ichimatsu and#looking at the ghost of your brother and remembering a time when you were his only confidante and also struggling to remember when was the#last time that he hauled your drunk ass home (one of the few remaining moments of brotherly caretaking that you allow from him as an adult)#AND I FEEL SICKKK I FEEL ILLLLL I'M SHAKING AND CRYING SUDIWHDKWKDJD AAAA hell#((it's such a good fic please read it. please be as abnormal about the IMPLICATIONS as i am too))
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long time no see :)
#hi! i am not dead!!#i worked at a camp over the summer so i had neither the free time nor the cell service to be on here#i feel like its been ages and no one on here remembers or cares who i am. but if you do. hi! how have you been!! <3#i am doing better. i am in this very exact moment not sad. not in the way i was before.#i am sitting under a tree by the ocean listening to transatlanticism and i am doing okay.#i have friends now. i Might have a full time job soon (wish me luck please) which if i get i will be able to move out by the end of the year#yeah. thats about it. i am more human now i think. i might actually get out of here. thats all. :)#how have you all been? <3
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Listen. I haven’t watched Ted Lasso. I do not plan on watching Ted Lasso (just not my thing). However last night I was dreaming and who should walk into my dreams but ROY KENT AND JAMIE TARTT. This is YOUR FAULT. I have ABSORBED YOUR BLORBOS THROUGH OSMOSIS
my bad
#although it’s funny you should say that cause i remember when my brother was trying to get me to watch ted lasso#he kept asking me for like 4-6 months or so#and i kept saying ‘it’s not my thing’#and then i went to visit him and i guess we had nothing better to do so he was like ‘please just try one episode’#so i said ‘fine. why not.’#and i didn’t pay much attention to it…like i was half interested in it until maybe the 3rd or 4th episode#and then i started paying more attention and then i got hooked…#eventually rewatched the whole thing and liked it even more the second time#and this was a few months before season 3 aired and of course by then i was a big fan of this silly football show#kinda went a little crazy while season 3 was airing too#but my fixation on it is stronger now i think than before#also i do not really care for sports…someone thought i like this show because i love the sport or something#but i do not…i just really enjoy the characters and the humor#i think it’s a great show and watching it feels like a warm hug#it’s funny but also has its angsty moments and idk i feel like my brother now trying to convince people to try it#oh and i don’t even know how i became a royjamie shipper#it just happened….they have a crazy dynamic and i just think they deserved to kiss lol
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#it’s crazy to me that people are just fully expect gay eddie to happen when there just#hasn’t been any build up to it at all#even buck and tommy had a brief moment in the episode before 7x04#like it’s one thing to think it’s possible (i don’t really because i’m pretty sure ryan has no interest in playing queer eddie)#but to just like. assume it’s going to?#people are reallyyyy setting themselves up huh#people do remember that chris is still gone and he still very much has unresolved issues related to shannon right?#right???#it’s funny how fast certain shippers will just forget chris’s existence when it doesn’t serve them lmao#eddie has way too much shit going on for it to be about that lmao#buck and tommy might break up in 8x06 who knows#i don’t think they will but that’s a much more reasonable assumption than#assuming this show targeted at 30-50 year olds is gonna do another coming out arc a second season in a row with the last single straight+#character they have left#like this isn’t iwtv or even spn#please be aware of what you’re watching and what ryan has been teasing this whole time through interviews i beg#anyway#i only follow a handful of b*ddie shippers anymore so i see the occasional post from That side#and i’m concerned how they’re gonna lash out when they inevitably don’t get what they want lmao
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Day 8 in NY: The Play That Goes Wrong!!! aka our last show
#the play that goes wrong#tptgw broadway#mischief theatre#mischief comedy#new york trip 2023#but omigod WHAT A SHOW TO END THE TRIP#TRULY GOING OUT WITH A BANG#and we had the most amazing stage door experience!!!!#the actors were amazing 🥺🥺🥺#basically there was no official stage door so my friend and I were rushing around the building#and managed to reach the makeshift stage door just in time to catch trevor#and we got to chat with him and he offered to take a selfie with hs#(please know that I made a point to not ask for selfies on this trip bc I feel awkward asking haha)#and then the rest of the cast came out one by one#got selfies with chris and dennis and got to chat with them all but max#max left while we were talking to dennis and chris but apparently he just flew in from chicago yesterday#the other maxes were out sick and he flew in last min and only got a few hours of rehearsals#but he and caroline chu (sandra) were understudies together so this was full circle moment for them!!#okay about the show real quick: one of annie’s papers flew into my lap so I put it back on the stage#I think that dennis remembered us bc of that#WE WERE SITTING IN THE FRONT ROW BY PURE LUCK#and omigod to be so close to the actors#truly today was the best experience and I am so glad that we’re ending this trip on such a high note
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i hate them with a passion
#this may turn into one of my long ass posts with hundreds of screenshots of quotes from the books#but i dont have the energy for that just now#anyway. this moment makes me wanna throw shit at the walls. their relationship is my favourite thing from the very beginning#but dumas went really went out of his way to make it even more insane in the last book#and dont hit me with a 'aww they have such a big/little brother energy its so cute uwu' please im begging you stop saying that#nothing irks me more than hearing their relationship described as something that innocent. its so much more complex and intense come on#there is pure visceral hate there. jealousy. bile. cruelty. some fucked up form of codependency even? maybe? from d'artagnan's side?#there's nothing more horrible and cruel than the fact that THEY are the only two left alive in the end (not for long but yknow)#they would NEVER be friends if not for athos (and they would never hate each other so much if not for him too)#they hate each other so so much. but remember that d'artagnan starts out being absolutely bedazzled by aramis and looking up to him#his first impression of aramis is just. hearteyes and 'wow i wish that were me'. he doesnt do that even with athos at first.#he grows to adore athos yes but upon first meeting him he doesnt think much of him. unlike with aramis.#and then it changes instantly. does a 180° flip when aramis is a bitch to him.#and it stays that way for the entirety of the trilogy. until this moment. this one short moment when d'artagnan#who. mind you. is not innocent himself and was also manipulating the hell out of porthos and talking shit about aramis behind his back.#but he makes that step. he reaches out. 'i fucking hate you let me help you you dumb evil cunt' and aramis says 'no <3'#you know i have this thing where i am OBSESSED with finding the one moment where a character condemns themselves for good.#the one moment when they figuratively sign the contract for their perdition. that up to that moment they could still be saved somehow.#for rodrigo it is when he tries to kill eboli (in the play). for don giovanni it is when he refuses elvira's plea to change#(NOT when he accepts il commendatore's invite mind you)#and i feel like THIS is that moment for aramis.#the fact that it comes from d'artagnan is so just so fucking agsjssgsgsh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and of course he says no.#there is no version of this where he lets himself be helped. he has to say no he will always say no.#but boy oh boy is this making me bang my head against the wall.#the three musketeers#les trois mousquetaires#vicomte de bragelonne#alexandre dumas
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#sry I need to vent more abt my tattoo pain bc I physically cannot do anything productive rn im completely and totally incapacitated#can’t read anything beyond short posts or texts. can’t eat or move at all#tried to sleep through it so it would at least Be Tomorrow so I can get medical help. but the jolts of pain make me like Jump#hence me being sent home from work early today like it’s not even that I was complaining I was just flinching involuntarily so much#and was unable to work or function at all. thank god I don’t work retail rn I remember the pain of tattoo infections in that context#it’s so Abrupt it feels like I’m being stabbed or repeatedly bitten#literally trying not to scream bc I have a roommate. but he almost certainly hears me crying and saying ouch#which sucks bc I barely know the guy lol he has no context. At least on my drive home I could scream as much as I needed#literally would go to the ER if I could afford it and that sounds so dramatic bc it is#it doesn’t feel like it can wait. genuinely don’t know how I’m gonna get through the night#I haven’t slept in like 60 hours and I doubt I will tonight. but it hurts too much to even tell if I’m tired#and I don’t have time for this!! I have so much I need to be doing. I hate that the only way I can have Time is to be Extra Disabled#in a way that leaves me completely unable to do the things I normally can fight through despite burnout#and I was just at health services yesterday asking them to do insurance paperwork that they couldn’t do#it’s embarrassing having to be like hey I was just there but can I come back#I have Another tattoo infection but I pinky promise I take such good care of them#and my artist is like the best of the best too. it’s like it doesn’t matter what either of us does to keep me safe#and I know if anyone responds to this it will be to tell me to stop getting tattoos#but that’s literally like telling me not to get top surgery if I’m immunocompromised n might have recovery complications#both are equally important gender affirming medical procedures to me I’m not joking#and I hate always having to justify this whilst in agonizing pain. I hate answering the same things every time bc still no one believes me#I say this as someone who lives every moment in baseline pain that would have your average person writhing on the floor and I ignore it#this is truly unbearable if I hadn’t been through it a million times I would think it was life threatening#just needed to get it out ig. bc it’s all I can physically do. until health services opens in 12 hours#PLEASE let them have availability tomorrow bc i have literally no option on weekends#this is just. so upsetting and embarrassing. I don’t have time or emotional capacity for this#personal#mine#vent post
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Have I stated that I love Guizhong (Haagentus) of Liyue yet today? Because I do, more than I can say in normal and coherent words. I don't know why adding 'of Liyue' got me feelings extra things, it's okay.
#[ it's a problem really. an actual problem. ]#[ the last 3 mornings (even yesterday morning when i'd slept only 4 hours) i've been waking up thinking about how-- ]#[ elements reform. her death doesn't get rid of /what she is/. ]#[ it's her corporeal form that is gone. but /she/ isn't. she's still living in each particle of dust that stretches across teyvat. ]#[ dust. ash? we all return to dust? ]#[ 😭😭😭😭]#[ can we just think about that for a moment? she's there-- somehow. not even just her spirit. but /her/. ]#[ who isn't to say she can reform after a very long period of time? could zhongli's gnosis' aid in 'hastening' it? ]#[ not saying that's why he gave it up. but. but. but. ]#[ what if it's just something it /could/ aid in doing. not its main purpose-- but one of the things. ]#[ hell we don't even know the extents of what those gnoses do or are capable of. ]#[ but if they can power something as immense as a vessel for scara-- why couldn't it consolidate energy? elements? ]#[ i'm losing my mind thinking about her potentially being linked to alchemy-- especially alchemy in khaenri'ah where... ]#[ dust is at the very basis of life. LIKE YOU KNOW? ]#[ i was told by two people to go get coffee-- so let me do that. maybe it'll make me more coherent. ]#[ but also-- please remember if you follow me; you'll be subjected to how much i love guizhong. ]#[ and i think that's a rational thing to say. :) ]#[ ooc. ] wherever her spirit may be among the countless grains of sand and specks of dust between the harbor and the mountains…
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