#organic says I am like this because i have a “personality disorder” whatever that means

[posts-from-the-wasteland]

i can't believe i have to reach out like this but DEAR GOD you do NOT pimp your friend to the immortan like that!!

- Hildegard 🌱

…yeahhhh im being really irrational today. i should’ve just smacked him and been done with it.

[superdillin]

Gender! At the Strip Club

How Sex Work Transed my Gender

(but also it's far more complicated than that I just love a punchy headline)

It’s tricky to have a conversation about the realities of sex work in a world that sees things too profoundly in a binary. Admonishing certain realities of it may be misinterpreted as siding with TERF ideology but romanticizing it ignores the complicated intersection of labor exploitation and bodily autonomy inherent to the industry. Because I want to talk about an ultimately positive experience I took away from my time within the industry, I feel that it’s important to start by saying that when people say sex work is work, we mean that it is labor, and needs the support that all laborers need. The workers need organizing power, ownership of the fruits of their labor, and protection from their clients and employers.  

Recognizing the impacts of sex work on my life has been a delayed reaction because ultimately, it was a traumatic time of survival. I spent nearly a decade in Fight or Flight, with no time to analyze what I was experiencing while it was happening. I’m not even blaming the industry for that, because as problematic as it can be, poverty was the true villain, as insecure living situations, unstable work, and working multiple full-time jobs will keep your nervous system in overdrive 24/7. 

So years later, every so often, I find myself with a new lightbulb appearing cartoonishly over my head, drawing another connection from who I am and how I interact with the world today, and how said behavior ultimately originated in a place called Nite Moves, of all things. Some of those behaviors have resolved with time. How I interacted with all cis-men during those years and for a time afterward was undeniably disordered. I inherently distrusted every single one, yet felt like I needed them around at all times for a feeling of safety and security. I kept dangerous men in my life for no good reason. But that went away with time and therapy. Now I distrust cis-men an appropriate amount. (ba dum-tss)

Other things did not resolve with time. My ire for how club owners (often in tandem with security staff) exploit workers and prioritize clients and profits over the safety of dancers? That ire was justified, and all that’s changed now is that I know more about labor organizing, leftist politics and have more context in my belief system to explain why the system is wrong. The other thing that did not resolve is how it made me view myself on the gender spectrum. 

All sex work involves a bit of gender performance, but stripping as a whole is the most hard-line, binary-adjacent area of the industry I’ve dabbled in. Because everyone in the strip club is performing. The dancers are obvious, but if all a client wanted a hot woman to ogle, pornography is cheaper and easier to access. Cam girls can offer you a completely tailored and personalized experience. And no one is more discrete than a full-service worker. Part of why men go to strip clubs is to be perceived in a strip club by other men. It’s a whole gender ritual, even. Half of the men who get taken to these clubs on their birthday or bachelor party have told me in the privacy behind the curtain that they wished they had gone to play pool, camping, or whatever their friend group’s shared interest is. But outside the champagne room, they’re pinching asses,ordering bottle service and getting high-fives for how good they can play this role. 

So, on the converse side of this gender performance, strip clubs tend to encourage the most rigid portrayal of a culturally-accepted femininity, often to the point of a very bad homogenization. On that topic, the lack of racial and body diversity in strip clubs is something people with a better perspective have talked about before, including the Portland Strippers who recently unionized, and the Black Feminisms blog, check those out for more on that perspective. 

So getting ready to work at the average club is not a matter of dressing down and dolling up. You’re trying to fit a very rigid expression of femininity that, if I were a gambling man, would likely not line up with most of the dancers own personal definition of femininity. And the more “high-end” the club, the stricter and more rigid those rules. I’ve seen clubs have restrictions to what the owner thought were the “most feminine” nail polish colors. Hair length mandates. One manager inspected my midsection to make sure it “passed”; if it hadn’t I would be restricted to wearing corset-tops on the floor. 

But for me, it unlocked something personal that I did not expect. I’ve never felt particularly attached to femininity, even when I identified as a woman. Then, I began to appreciate the ritual of putting femininity on as a costume. Once I did, I instantly had an easier time enjoying it. In my subconscious it was clear that this was not me. It was a role, a gimmick I was playing at, and thereby I felt so comfortable indulging in it. The best part, though, was the other ritual at the end of each shift. Taking off the costume, and tucking it away. The blissful comfort I would feel in my own body for the several hours after a shift - no matter what happened that night, no matter how dreadful or dry - I would be reenergized. I literally got to put femininity on like a costume and then take it off again. 

I also found that it shed a light on something interesting about my relationship to girlhood, not just femininity. There are things about girlhood that have always resonated with me in a homey way, sleepover delirium and bar bathroom camaraderie, but those resonances don’t make me feel like any more of a woman. In the strip club, girlhood feels like having an army of girls meet you in the dressing room without you having to ask because they saw how ‘that guy’ was acting, throwing a separate funeral for your friend because none of you would be allowed in at the real one, boycotting a patron who hurt one of you because security refuses to boot him.

I am not a woman. I am trauma-bonded to girlhood from my time spent in the trenches with it. 

I am not a woman. I am whatever is left is left when society’s vision of femininity is shed and packed away.

I am not a woman. But I play a pretty good one when I need to.

[many-but-one]

TW: RAMCOA questions (NOT ABOUT TRAUMA)

Sorry I’m very very confused- I’ve had some people say RAMCOA is being programmed into a system, and your blog (+others) says it is an extreme of abuse? (I am not saying neither of these are false, I’m just deeply confused)

No pressure to answer!

RAMCOA is an acronym that stands for Ritual Abuse, Mind Control, and Organized Abuse. It is not exclusively “mind control” programming.

Which, mind control programming is really just intentionally severely conditioning someone via torture and manipulation tactics. I know mind control sounds like a magical sci fi fantasy, but when you break it down in therapy speak, it is just severe intentional conditioning, using triggers and cues to get certain parts of a system out and conditioning them to have certain beliefs or tasks via torture. Not all people who go through mind control programming develop a system, and even adults who go through this often develop a different kind of dissociative disorder called OSDD-2. This is often seen in cults who manipulate their adult victims and “brainwash” them so severely that they create “self states,” though they are not autonomous like in DID self states. If you read testimonies of adult cult survivors, they will often talk about how they “became a different person” when in the cult, and had a “cult version” of themselves and a “at home, non-cult” version of themselves that is completely disconnected from their cult self.

For both child and adult survivors, this immense coercion and controlling of thought patterns is emphasized via the BITE model. I highly recommend you read that link, as it explains each part of that acronym and how it is used to manipulate victims and survivors and conditions them (“mind controls”) them to do actions and have beliefs as the group requires.

To answer your question more succinctly, RAMCOA does not ONLY mean “mind control,” however the RA (ritual abuse) and OA (organized abuse) often all go hand in hand. You can experience OA without MC, and you can experience RA without OA. However, they’re often very interlinked because groups that do OA and RA want to keep their victims complicit and willing to do whatever they want, with extreme conditioning and coercion via threats of harm to self or others…AKA “mind control.”

Though folks in the community have been discussing replacing TBMC (“torture based mind control”) with ITBPC (“intentional trauma/torture based psychological conditioning”) or ITBC (“intentional torture based conditioning”) in order to demystify mind control and help non-survivors understand what MC really is—extreme intentional conditioning via torture. It can happen to adults, it can happen to children, and with groups who are aware of DID, if they figure out a child has started developing DID due to their abuse, they can learn to manipulate negative and positive triggers to get certain parts out and intentionally condition them to have certain beliefs or perform certain actions when cued/triggered out. It’s much less complicated than people realize. Our goal is to help non-survivors understand that this isn’t all that mystical, it’s not conspiratorial, and this really happens to people everywhere.

I hope this answered your question! I may have rambled a little bit, but I’m passionate about demystifying MC and helping people understand what it really is. Take care!

-Many

[fandomfluffandfuck]

S that latest poll answer makes me sad for you. Did that inspire that fic you wrote about Sebastians body image and thr beetle?

related to my tags on this poll & this fic of mine "The Kids Aren't Alright"

This gets personal and kind of intense, so it goes below the cut!

Trigger warning for discussion of general poor mental health, depression, suicidal ideation/self harm, eating disorders, body image issues, etc.

The short answer is an overwhelming yes.

"The Kids Aren't Alright" was very much something that I wrote because it struck a chord in me--Sebastian talking about his experience with body dysmorphia always hits home for me as a guy with body dysmorphic disorder, and the first time I heard Mackie admittedly very affectionately teasing him, saying he got stuck in the VW Beetle, I was a little horrified, I mean, secondhand embarrassement, imagining embarrasment so vividly it was horrible, really. So, naturally, I had to make it into a fic.

Also, I hope you don't mind, sweets, before going on, I'm adding onto your ask with another that I got even more recently:

youre very generous with what you share, so ignore this if im over the line, but its mens mental health month and that suicidal ideation post made me think of your mental health, whats been your experience with it?? i dont have a lot of men in my life who are willing to share with me, so i thought i would ask you 🥰🥰 please delete this if youre uncomfy tho

which is related to this

Both of you are such sweethearts!

Thanks, though, I don't exactly try to share a shit ton 🤷🏻‍♂️ I guess, eh, being somewhat anonymous in this corner of the internet yet being honest in the form of the spectrum of emotion from raw feral angst to private domestic fluff to shameless shut coaxes me into being so forthcoming? Not that I'm, like, super reserved otherwise, lmao.

I'll start with a short answer again before I go into deeper detail, which is just to say: my experience with it has been rough. I, a queer man, grew up in a small, red town with a very traditional family, so... yeah. It was not fun.

Okay, longer answer now because when given the opportunity, I. will. yap.

I think I will start with masculinity here because I feel as though a lot of my experiences with mental health and issues with my body tie directly into my masculinity. I don't have problems with being a man, I love being a man, it's who I am, I just don't love some of the expectations of being a man on a grand societal and interpersonal level, y'know?

Masculinity, to me, was always presented as the thing you have to be or else. Or else my parents were disappointed; or else the other boys wouldn't like me; or else I felt bad about myself: or else there must be something wrong with me; or else I must be gay; or else.

I have older siblings, and my older brother was in Boy Scouts when we were kids. Both of my parents fucking love the outdoors. So, of course, they loved that. My dad, specifically, spent all his time doing Scouts shit with my brother or organizing similar activities just for them when not at work. (I had a traditional western family unit, my dad worked, my mom was a stay-at-home mom.) And while I do enjoy the outdoors and camping and hiking and all that, just in smaller doses, I never wanted to join Scouts. I nearly immediately attached myself to art, so I just didn't have the interest. I can't do art if I'm outside digging in dirt, fighting with sticks, practicing knots, doing target practice, and backpacking (or whatever else the boys in the troop were doing), can I? That meant, if I wanted to draw or do crafts or something creative, I was inside, and my mom was looking after me and my sister while my dad and brother were out.

That did not sit well with my dad. He wanted me outside, joining Boy Scouts and fixing cars, playing mechanics with my brother. I did not want to. He tried very hard to get me to be as interested in more stereotypically manly activities with him and my brother, and it didn't work.

I'm just more artistic. That was always a clear disappointment.

To add on, as I grew up, I was not physically traditionally masculine, either. I've cracked jokes here and there that I'm not too dissimilar to pre-serum Steve before. It's not far off. I'm about 5'6", a little taller, and skinny.

I grew up waiting desperately for puberty, waiting for my muscles and growth spurt and... it didn't happen. My voice dropped way deep (which meant it cracked wildly and super noticeably, and, of course, I got shit for it), and I enjoyed that. I never had a pressing issue with my dick, I mean, I would hazard a guess that anyone with a dick worries about size at some point just because that's something etched deep in social sexuality, but I had more pressing things to obsess over. Like, at first, when body hair started to kick in, I was psyched to see it, and then it kept coming and suddenly guys in the locker room were pointing it out and making fun of me for being a "little guy" with so much body hair. Puberty also did fuck my face up with acne which destroyed a lot of my self-esteem, too. I had to go on Accutane not once, not twice, but three times. I still have a robust routine to keep my skin clear (but it is clear these days and I'm still reeling thinking about it, it took someone telling me I had really nice skin for me to snap out of it and realize I wasn't still covered with acne, actually. And that was recent!).

I didn't have my pre- to post-serum sudden increase in height and muscle moment, so I continued to feel scrawny and weak. Having pectus excavatum, a birth defect where my sterum curves in instead of going down in a straight line, never helped, either--I got made fun of for that, of course. I remember a comment about how one guy in a locker room wasn't going to dare to hit me/slap me on the back because he would clearly just break me... yeah, that didn't help feeling like the odd one out, unmasculine, fragile, and unattractive.

My self-esteem is much better these days, I will gladly say, but I genuinely used to get sick to my stomach just thinking about what I looked like, never mind actually looking in the mirror. I felt horrible that I had to go out in public and subject people to looking at my face. I'm an avid journal-er, and I have old entries where I just go on and on and on and on about how I felt like a monster. Disgusting and hideous.

It doesn't matter that I know, objectively, that I have a fairly masculine and even an attractive face. My jaw is square, I can grow a beard, I have a deep voice, my eyes are green, I've been very lucky to have straight, white teeth without braces and all that. Plus, people seem to like my cheekbones and curly hair. My voice, too, people seem to enjoy my voice and my mouth. So, evidently, others seem to appreciate my face. So many people spread over so many years have no real reason to lie. I'm complimented. I've not had problems when it comes to dating and relationships or whatever. Yet still, it's just not what I see. I say I know objectively what I look like because I know facts about myself, but I...

I don't really know what I look like, if that makes sense? My reflection shifts a lot, over the years I have had a problem with every part of my face, every part of my body, and I know I can't trust what I see in the mirror. I fixate on things, and it consumes my viewing experience.

Part of the consequences of all... that... all those issues above have been my experience with eating disorders. I've had some fun [sarcastic] mix of orthorexia, binge eating disorder, and anorexia over most of my conscious life. From the moment I was aware of myself and my own body, I've had problems fueling my body. It's a cycle over years and years that's been going on since late elementary school (around 10, 11), where I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling weak and useless and not masculine, so I push myself too hard in the gym and kitchen--working out until I'm physcially ill, blacking out, blistering from running and lifting, I've torn a few things that way, while obsessing with healthy foods at the same time to the point that it's unhealthy. That happens for however long I can take it. Then, eventually, I break. And I get into a cycle of binging that destroys my ability to go to the gym, so it's just binging. Cycles of it, uncontrollable. That morphs into feeling too big and disgusted with myself in the opposite way that I started with, so my brain fixates on restricting. What goes up must come down, though, so with enough of that... then I feel too small again and, yeah. It starts over. 🙃

I have worked very hard to break it with the help of friends and a short lived experience with therapy (he was a terrible therapist, then my insurance stopped covering it, so I couldn't afford to go or find a new one), but I've--dare, I say--gotten into some kind of balance more recently.

To end on perhaps a hilariously on-theme note and something happier, what I have found is that sex helps. Therapy and supportive friends and good environment are obviously irreplaceable. But, sex is good, too. When I was in the thick of all that, younger with my mental health challenges way more out of control, I'm sure I was just getting away from the numbness and hurt--endorphins, oxytocin, y'know, all that.

Then, I'm sure it was added to by the fact that suddenly, with sex, women (I am queer but when I started fucking around, I only felt safe enough to be with women, I didn't think I could be out where I was, and now... that's just the way it's worked out. It happens to have been women) were enjoying me. Enjoying what I could give them. Complimenting me explicitly or implicitly. Saying I'm hot or, clearly, if we're having sex, I'm not so disgusting that you don't want to fuck me.

But, sex helps beyond those rudimentary things, too. Finding kinky people and sex-positive people has inadvertently led me to find body positive people and find examples of real bodies--people really actually enjoying themselves. Spending more time naked is beneficial, too, haha. Slowly, I'm learning to appreciate myself more. This is my body. It's the only one I have to live in, I may as well make peace with it. And I will take the pleasure that my body can give others. I appreciate that I can do that. I like making people feel good, I like having their faith put in me to make them feel good and treat them and their bodies well, like they're desired, or not 😏, depending on what they're into. I want to pull that pleasure out of them. I want to make them feel good, bad, whatever. I want them to feel in their body.

Did that answer the question, lmao? I just rambled 💀💀

[rgr-pop]

if i was a normal level of unwell right now i’d be baking a loaf of bread. i don’t want to have to leave the house tomorrow and i can’t bring myself to go to this stupid womens meeting. i have been so clear that i can’t do non constructive meetings that don’t specifically need me right now because i’m worn so thin, but if i don’t come on my sunday off i’ll lose credibility and these other orgs won’t work on the abortion fund projects. it feels like it’s always all on me to defend the value of doing repro work— and sometimes that’s okay and as you know i’m stepping up to work on this structural problem. but the problem is that if i show any signs of fragility—or god forbid say, “i need my sunday to myself this week,” or even worse, “my pet snail is dying and it’s going to impact my productivity for a week,” what i will be told is, well, you don’t have the capacity to sustain this work, so we’re going to stop working on it.

and the problem isn’t exactly that i’m the only one doing it (right now for example i have a street outreach brigade pamphleting hash bash lol in ann arbor, a political research crew prepping for the leg piece, a new Posting partnership planned for soon, the fundraiser ask is being made by someone else, plus some workings in a second chapter… look at me defending the work to you!), but we don’t have quite everyone with ownership over the project yet (which you build to) and, as i’ve said, everyone is depending all their willingness to not put up walls around this on whether or not i personally look energized and perfect and like i know everything every time they see me. meanwhile i want only one thing all the time (to kill myself). and i can’t be in this position because i’m not doing great. but i’m an ill and severely mentally ill person who can—i know—do a couple hours a week of organizing most weeks. and i believe you can build effective campaigns that bring in more people and build capacity and bolster people’s belief in the power working collectively for 2-10 hours a week can have to change people’s lives and make them feel mostly better rather than mostly worse. it’s important to me to hold that line. but i personally can’t survive being scolded by social workers (anarchists) and sociopaths (postleninists and social movement strategists) not to mention the regular misogynists who I HAVE TO PRESENT THIS TO IN A WEEK HOPING THAT THEY DONT DO SOMETHING MEAN TO SCARY TO ME IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!!

anyway the thing is that i’m so fragile that i don’t see a way where this consciousness raising or whatever meeting doesn’t ruin my mood for the next few days, because every single one so far has been so bad it has edged on a traumatic experience. and i have to deal with that on top of everything else i have in my life (snail dying, baby, ANTS, being solely responsible for housework and most bills, feeding myself on no money, medical appointments, all my loved ones in crisis due to being poor women, eclipse???, my union, eating disorder, chronic pain, SNAIL DYING). and if you were a loser wannabe social worker you might say “it sounds like you don’t have capacity to organize” and, WRONG. i don’t have the capacity to waste two hours of my life + the bus travel on a consciousness raising meeting where someone tells me what’s wrong about me. and i disagree with the relational organizing (or even post bernie labor type) partisans a who say, that’s where the organizing happens. i disagree and i have a different theory of how this works (i may be inventing a caucus lol). and most importantly i think that i personally am more like a majority of working class women than i’m different. the main thing that makes me most different from other working class women is how much time i commit to communism. i want to change this!!!

today i need to work on things but i’m focused on my snail and the feelings around this. i’m having a hard time feeding myself. i don’t think crying on a saturday with my dying pet snail while managing mental illness during an eclipse makes me someone who can’t organize and i do NOT think getting psychologically torn to shreds by a social worker in training or a social movement strategist trying to force me to do drugs at a retreat is going to make me a better organizer.

j invited us over after the meeting and i’m overcome with guilt about coming empty handed. i miss him. i saw him in passing at the last meeting. he makes me happy and feel better. i don’t think i should be with him because i worry all i can do is complain. and he will be reminded why everyone hates me et cetera. but after i saw him that day when i wanted to die he reached out right after and said do you guys want to come over for dinner.

i can’t do the dishes. i made sniva a carrot. she got up to eat it. her trapdoor is so withered but i don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go on reddit to think about it. i want her to live six more days. i genuinely don’t know whether i’m neglecting her or should let it be. i am almost sure there is nothing i can do to fix her trapdoor. i’m going to do a small water change/replacement tonight if i can be upright enough. that’s it!! im as good as murdering her

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

This whole civil war on reading vs not reading comics is baffling to me. Like honestly this whole arguement is stupid.

Full disclosure before people come after me: I am a comic reader! I love reading comics (although I havent been able to read nearly as many as I would like)

Anyway yeah my whole 2 cents on this.

On one hand, I get why avid comic readers are annoyed. You're favorite character being what you perceive as wildly misinterpreted and being unable to find the content you want is annoying. But also it's so easy to just... click off? Like no one is forcing you to read it, just go find a different work instead of complaing to the author or whatever.

Also, comic characters have been written and rewritten by so many people and have had so many changes to their storylines and personality that a lot of stuff being argued as "not canon" very likely could have been at some point! And that's not even talking about other media like shows and movies.

The first example that comes to mind is Superboy (Conner "Kon" Kent). Comic Kon and Young Justice Cartoon Kon are drastically different in both personality and appearance. Comic Kon is the most bisexual coded person I've ever seen and Cartoon Kon is a grumpy asshole who looks like he stepped straight out of bootcamp. But guess what? Regardless of which one you like most both are canon in DC!

As far as I'm concerned, comic timelines and characters are a mess with or without other media types and we should be allowed to pick and choose whatever traits we want from it. Do I want Kon to have bisexual hair? Yes! Am I ignoring that Batman beats his kids in some runs? Also yes!

And because I saw a few complaints like these once before I'm going to address them.

"Character A can't be into this. It only happened like 1 time in the comics!"

Yeah but it happened. If people want to take that little hint of a trait and expand on it then power to them!

"Character A never actually had this role or did this so stop writing them like that!"

It's called a headcanon or an AU. This may be surprising to you, but both of these are common in fandom spaces. If that headcanon or AU is popular it's because people obviously like it. That person may not be you, and that's fine too! Just let them have their fun and leave to read something else.

And I'm not claiming to be innocent in all this btw! Lord knows I get loud and angry about many MCU fans' interpretation of Jake Lockley from Moon Knight. That being said, the reason I'm loud and angry isn't just "oh they made him less friendly and changed some personality traits". Its the fact that they interpret him as an "evil" alter which perpetuates hateful stereotypes about a very real and very stigmatized disorder with very little decent representation. The whole "Jake is an evil bloodthirsty alter" spreads those fearmongering ideas and has the potential to harm actual systems in the long run whether it's intended to or not. Disclaimer: I am not a system, but I do try my best to listen to what they have to say. By all means listen to their opinions on the situation over mine.

Even so, I don't go and yell directly at those creators. I click off. I don't have to read or look at their stuff if I don't want to.

Another complaint from comic readers I see a lot is "oh but it's so easy for them to just pick up a comic and read it! They are just being lazy/stubborn/etc." And honestly...

It's really not!

It took me YEARS to start reading comics because it was so overwhelming and I had no one to help me. Keeping track of all the comic runs is hard enough let alone actually finding and reading them. Comics are simply not well organized and it's hard to find a part to jump into when so many of them rely on prior knowledge.

"Well ask somebody who works at a comic bookstore!"

I did. He had no answers for me and looked like he would rather be talking to literally anyone else instead of a clueless 15 year old girl. Stepping into spaces like that can be intimidating in itself for a variety of reasons, let alone trying to ask for help. Online it's not always much better. So many people won't give an honest recommendation and others won't be specific enough. Many comic runs have similar titles, and honestly it's best if you just know the name of the writer.

Trying to break into comics is just genuinely difficult for a lot of people depending on their situations whether it be enviornmental, financial, or mental.

Also you can't just force someone to read the comics! If they don't want to and just want to watch the shows or absorb fanon content then that's their preference! You don't have to interact with it! Am I saying that no one should read comics? No! But I am saying that not everyone has the same accessibility and the way some comic readers treat these people isn't doing favors. Attacking them over stuff and getting annoyed at them isn't going to encourage them to pick up a comic and read it but rather push them away from something really fun.

Okay now that's out of the way, time for me to turn my sights on the "not reading" camp.

You can't just attack people for suggesting canonical content under your prompts. Unless they are being a dick about it. Then you can go ham. But if someone is coming in like "hey btw A is a thing that happens canonically and it might be fun to do!" then there is no reason for you to act like they just ate your baby!

It is also not completely unreasonable for someone to simply suggest that you try out a comic or two (provided that they are being polite and are actually willing to help you with clear reccomendations). There is no reason for you to get pissy at them, just as it is not a requirement for you to take up their advice. If you don't want to read it or can't currently that's fine, but just know that you have the potential to be introduced to something you really enjoy and that consuming canon content will more than likely help you with your writing!

[sophieinwonderland]

Hey, to our knowledge you aren’t a traumagenic DID system, but we really love your writing and takes on all things plural. Could you discuss the bad video that came out like 2 days ago called “It’s time to Revisit Dissociative Identity Disorder” by Neurotransmissions? We couldn’t get through it. Early on the dude starts talking about how alters aren’t their own people, and we looked in the comments and apparently later on the guy says that DID should be reclassified as a form of BPD or PTSD. Also stuff about Non-human alters being rare or something? It’s blurry and that’s where we stopped -Sincerely a DID system

So, I gave it a watch. Or, well, a listen at 2x speed while we walked since nothing in that video seemed necessary to actually look at the screen for.

There are a lot of minor nitpicks here and there. But most of it is just general stuff that you expect from psychologists and psychiatrists. Of course alters aren't people if you define a "person" as the biological human organism.

And likewise, are only "parts" of a personality if you define the personality as all of the personality traits of said organism.

I consider most headmates people. I think most headmates meet the definition of a person according John Locke's philosophy of a personhood. But I understand that there are legal and medical definitions that this won't use that philosophy. So I guess my overall opinion on his thing about alters not being people is... it's whatever. 🤷‍♀️

He's stating the psychiatric view on personhood, not going out and trying to police systems who use person language. There are bigger fish to fry.

I don't care for him comparing alters to a singlet having different moods in different contexts. I feel that this is an inaccurate representation of the disorder, and really shows that this is a person who hasn't treated or even interacted with DID systems.

I am also bothered by the claim about nonhuman alters being rare because... I don't think any sources are actually provided to back that up. It's a claim I see get thrown around a lot, but if there's a study surveying DID patients to find how many have alters that identify as nonhuman, I have yet to see it. There were some other points in the video that I had similar issues with, where he would just state that something is rare in DID, and then just give no follow-up. Those little claims that are supposed to slip into the audience's brain without giving time to think critically on what's being said.

And there were a lot of little claims like that throughout the video that I didn't like.

Overall, I actually find the video to be fairly balanced. For a video with which the majority of conclusions are things I completely disagree with.

I mean, most of the time as he would spit out something I disagreed with, he would also acknowledge the counter-argument that I was making in my own head before I could make it.

For example, when he's arguing that TikTok presentations of DID aren't matching the clinical presentations of the disorder, he's quick to acknowledge the counter argument that this is likely due in large part to these spaces supplying freedom to systems to be themselves without judgement. (Or something along those lines. I can't remember exactly how it was worded.)

On Misdiagnosis

At one point in the video, he talks about these periods where DID is popular and diagnoses soar. He mentions briefly that one counter-argument is that DID could be under-diagnosed because doctors don't understand it.

And while I appreciate him acknowledging this counterargument as a possible explanation, he really undersells it. DID has been estimated to have a lifetime prevalence in 1.5% of the population. About as common as schizophrenia.

Furthermore, we see that DID systems are likely to spend years in the psychiatric system before finally getting a DID diagnosis.

There is no epidemic of people being falsely diagnosed with DID. There is, however, an epidemic of people not being able to get an accurate diagnosis because of doctors who don't believe the disorder exists.

I discussed this before in my breakdown of the Imitated DID myth. Here is what I said then:

And when you hear a doctor claim that they've never treated or diagnosed an actual DID case, I want you to keep in mind that statistic that 26%-40% are diagnosed and treated for Schizophrenia first. And that many will be diagnosed with other disorders long before they can a DID diagnosis.

Misdiagnosis and underdiagnosis of DID is not some hypothetical issue. It's something many DID specialists, even the most ableist ones, have been blowing the whistle on for a very long time.

"All Models Are Wrong, Some Models Are Useful"

This is a truly fantastic quote that I hadn't heard before, and am really glad that the video introduced me to it.

It really succinctly describes a lot of my feelings towards mental illness and disorders: That these are not necessarily objective things but our own simplified human classification systems. That mental disorders are made to categorize people together who may benefit from similar treatment.

These are models that exist to serve a utility. If they don't serve that utility, then they're not useful.

With that in mind...

DID is a Useful Model

Perhaps not perfect by any means. But despite what he claims in the video, it is useful. Especially compared to the alternatives.

Even in the video, he acknowledges that DID treatment is effective at the same time as arguing the disorder should be eliminated and grouped with other mental disorders.

But if DID treatment works on DID, then doesn't that in itself make it a useful model?

Treatment for other disorders often would actually be harmful to DID systems, pushing them to ignore or tune out voices in their heads, leading to greater dissociative barriers and internal conflict.

Another claim made in the video is that DID would get more research were it a subtype of another more popular disorder, but I don't believe that's true either. I don't think most studies tend to care about specific subtypes of disorders.

Maybe if DID was classified as a form of BPD, it would get more research in the way that studies into BPD would include DID systems too. But that conflation of the two different disorders wouldn't actually be more research into DID. And even worse, it would completely throw off all data for BPD.

If you classify DID as a subtype of any other disorder, DID would get even less research as its own thing, would throw off data into that disorder, and would result in DID patients being subjected to treatment that may not be helpful to them and could even be actively harmful.

This is a truly awful idea.

A Model Where DID is a Type of BPD is Useless for Everyone... Except...

This comment stuck out to me under the video.

I'm not going to say that this is the motivation behind this particular video, but it is curious how it seems like the most researched and over-diagnosed medical conditions tend to be those that are most profitable for pharmaceutical companies.

Hey, remember that paper about Imitated DID I mentioned earlier where doctors decided 7% of their DID patients were falsely diagnosed. Do you want to know the result of a similar study into Schizophrenia?

When 7% of DID cases are ruled to be "imitated," it's a national health emergency and we need to root out the fakers.

But when half the people with Schizophrenia are falsely diagnosed, it gets swept under the rug and nobody talks about it.

I'm honestly one of the more pro-psych pro-endos you'll find, but it's hard to not see how a lot of the models we use to define illnesses, and the models that get the most support, happen to be those that will be most profitable for big pharmaceutical companies.

A More Useful Model Might Actually Go In The Opposite Direction

One thing that he was right about is that DID is vaguely worded and has a huge problem when it comes to actually being diagnosed.

Instead of grouping Dissociative Identity Disorder into other disorders it doesn't fit with, my solution would be to look at other disorders for dissociative symptoms, and broaden Dissociative Identity Disorder so there can be clearer lines between disorders.

Looking again at psychotic disorders, voice hearing in them often comes in two varieties. One is just totally random and unintelligible. Another are these more agentive voices with their own distinct personalities that are consistent over time.

I believe that many of these would be examples of what DID specialists would classify as "dissociative parts," and would fall under Partial DID in the ICD-11. I also believe these would benefit from the same sort of treatment used in DID, revolving around establishing connections and communication between the headmates.

There should also be a delusional subtype added that would encompass headmates with delusional self-beliefs. Such as if the voices believe that they're being implanted in the head by aliens, or that the headmate is actually another real, living person communicating telepathically.

(Would the POSIC community jump at me if I also suggested many instances of delusional companion syndrome would be better classified as a dissociative disorder as well?)

And while I'm focusing on voice hearing, I also think there may be other delusions that may actually be representative of "dissociative parts," especially delusions where one believes themselves to be someone or something else.

Some DID specialists have been testing DID treatment methods on hostile voices in psychotic disorders. If studies show this is successful, I believe the logical move would be to reclassify these presentations of disorders as dissociative, grouping them under DID or Partial DID, or a new "complex dissociative disorder" umbrella.

This obviously needs to be investigated further and would require a huge overhaul of the current psychiatric system that's sadly unlikely to happen given tradition, disbelief in DID by practitioners, and financial interests of big pharma.

But from the papers I've read and systems I've communicated with, this is the model that I feel would be most useful for patients.

[thedawningofthehour]

Yea I forgot the story plays in like 2021, so I just wrote that Avatar comment bc man I love the second movie (I dont remember anything from the first), it‘s like 2am rn I am no night owl so I didnt use my brain much

ANYWAY, I am impressed the fam still believes they will get Donnie back bc I am losing hope lmaoo, also, interesting tidbit about the XXY chromosomes, will that be relevant in the future??

Honestly, the extension of the world of Avatar is smth really great about the second movie. Plot wise, I fear it might become repetitive if they dont think of smth for the next one. The emotions are 🤌🏼✨

Not really relevant to the plot, just something I thought of when I was looking up spiny softshell biology and trying to figure out how all that nonsense works.

Weirdly, Klinefelter's does actually seem to fit Donnie. I know they didn't, like, plan that, but it is funny that it happened with the turtle that had sex chromosomes before and therefore may have weird chromosome things going on already. (Splinter probably also has chromosome weirdness, but he was already past puberty and snipped, so his infertility didn't really matter)(they obviously have other chromosomes and there's other chromosomal issues that arise from mashing two completely different species together, but Draxum's ooze was made to minimize complications arising from that, and obviously the original Yokai who had significant genetic issues didn't pass them on) People with Klinefelter's are often taller with lower muscle strength, which fits his lankier build. They often have coordination and speech issues-check and check. It even fits my personal headcanons, with people with Klinefelter's being more likely to develop auto-immune disorders and having a low interest in sex. (Donnie's bi but he's got shit to do, he doesn't have time for that)

Also worth pointing out that it's not exactly Klinefelter's, because Donnie doesn't have two X chromosomes. He has the XY chromosomes from Splinter and a single Z chromosome from his turtle parents. The Z chromosome just occupies the space a second X chromosome would be and Leo confused it because it looked similar to an X chromosome. I have no idea how the whole 'chromosome mashing' thing works for Yokai overall, but while I can go ahead and say "mutants are allowed to have weird numbers of chromosomes that would normally result in severe health problems in humans because they're really not human anymore," it's a bit different for allosomes. In organisms that use sex chromosomes, aside from some organisms that use X0 or Z0 systems where the heterogametic sex just has the one, they all have two sex chromosomes. And there are issues if there's more than that.

There's some weirdness in the mutation process, some chromosomes get thrown out, some stay against their best interest, and sometimes the resulting mutant is a pile of tumors and meat. Draxum's ooze was modified to prevent most of the catastrophic consequences, but stuff still happens. I chose to say he has three sex chromosomes instead of four because trisomy disorders are generally pretty mild, while tetrasomies are usually much more severe and cause serious intellectual disabilities. Which doesn't fit Donnie.

(I don't mean any of this in a TERF bullshit way, I'm talking exclusively about what Donnie's got in his blood, he can be whatever gender he damn well likes)

[ramblingdisaster73]

I know many people find it romantic that Iris suggests the annulment and I wish I could feel the same about it, but her character is just written so inconsistently. On one hand she is supposed to be sensitive enough to think of that solution and to give the speech about how TK should be Carlos' first marriage, but in the next moment she calls him Carlos' project in colorful imagery and we are expected to excuse that because she supposedly doesn't have the social abilities. I think I would be able to enjoy her character more if she hadn't been so obviously written as a plot device.

I have other reasons for not really being able to romanticize the annulment idea, but I can see why you feel this way.

I, personally, don't actually see her as inconsistent, but I can't speak to how realistic the character's schizophrenia is displayed on the show, I do not have irl experience with schizophrenia. I do have a lot of irl experience with autism. I have a few relatives that are on different places on the spectrum. Both schizophrenia and autism are nuero-developmental disorders that have similar issues with interpersonal relationships and cognitive dysfunction.

My stepson's younger brother (13) is on the autism spectrum - he is considered high functioning - he is very intelligent with excellent critical thinking and problem solving skills - to the point that he can make any adult in his life look dumb. But, this kid has absolutely no filter - if he thinks it, he says it. He isn't trying to be mean, even if what he says sounds like it. He can give some of the best descriptions of his games or stories that match those of sci-fi writers. There is no limit to what our brains are capable of. I think this is why I personally do not find the character inconsistent, but I can see why others would.

I would love it if the show actually explored the character they reintroduced, but like you said, she is currently being used as a plot device, and it can make it hard to connect with. I think we may be seeing her occasionally from now on, maybe an episode or so once in a while, we could learn more.

I feel like the only way for us to get any information on what Iris was like before she had started exhibiting signs of schizophrenia, would be if they actually did a "Carlos Begins" type episode.

What we know about her pretty much comes from Michelle in Season 1 while she was missing, or now from Carlos - kind of, and Iris herself.

In Season 1 Michelle when was talking to the curandera, she indicated that Iris had been a bit of an overachiever, athletic, and fairly intelligent (at least I hope so since she was in or at least had been accepted to medical school before she disappeared). We now know that she has been working with the same organization as Michelle, helping people that were in a similar position to her.

These parts of her wouldn't really just go away with her illness, they may be altered somewhat depending on the subtype & other factors.

It's hard to tell what parts of the character are just Iris and what the effects caused by the schizophrenia/medication.

In the end - the writers hope that we will just ignore the plot holes, conflicting character info, any sense of an actual timeline because they do tell a beautiful story. It is hard as hell to suspend reality sometimes.

So far, they have steered away from the only fear I had when I realized the manner in which she was being introduced. It is easy to make a character (or real life person) that has a mental illness or nuero-developmental disorders the problem or the bad guy in whatever plot has been cooked up - it is easy to blame it on the illness/disorder instead of the person. I am so thrilled that doesn't seem to be the direction they are going. I have been a Lyndsy Fonesca fan since she was on my grandma's favorite soap opera.

I have come to accept that reality and legalities were not considerations when they came up with this storyline - they also don't expect a bunch of us to dissect, question everything, so they don't bother with side character development or trauma recovery.

[thurisazsalail]

Adding this morning because a person very involved with the actual game-making was known to tell a con-goer that if they liked Astarion, they need therapy

I get it, laugh it up, he's not a great wonderful loving person, yes

And maybe a lot of these people who seek this dysfunctional attachment DO in fact need therapy. If the extreme ups and downs and pure chaos that BPD can manifest as is appealing to you, you might in fact need therapy.

But it's also off-putting to me

I've been around a LOT of hateful, bigoted, truly fucked up people.

That's probably one reason the BPD signs were just so... normal for me. Which isn't Great. But I also very distinctly can spot the difference between someone negligent/malicious (they know what they did and don't care,) someone active/malicious (they intend to hurt people and for whatever reason don't care,) and people who are actually could go "either way" or who are in fact generally good people, but their patterns of dealing with stuff is just so distorted that it starts as survival, but then becomes detrimental to themselves and others.

Anyone anyone ANYONE can develop BPD. It's a personality disorder, not a chemical or structural one. You can be born bipolar, but not with BPD.

And yeah, it's hard to deal with sometimes.

He's the guy with BPD who can't always tell me no, or that something is a bad idea, or that he doesn't like something. But then whips around later, furious and upset, because how did I NOT see that?! But ALSO when I'm asking questions to try to find the "real" answer, do I have to second-guess his answers so much? Can't I take him at face value?!

... no. I can't.

Damned if I do, damned if I don't.

And I'm the obtuse autistic person who is really bad at subtle cues amd social hints. Having to doublethink ALLLLL the time is a big source of damage for me.

Both of us spent a lot of our time masking, in different ways, for different reasons. A lot of the same traits. So when things were good, they were good, but if Inevitable Conflict...

Until slowly, both of us started to get our shit together.

I'm autistic and can't do social cues so I constantly have to try to figure out the unspoken conversation and what people REALLY want and no choice is right, i always somehow get it wrong, i can't read minds, i can't- dude, you're going to have to get REAL HONEST WITH ME, FAST. WHAT DO YOU WANT.

And he is SO USED to people flipping out on him whenever he doesn't go with what they want, so if i say "hey do you like this lamp or that one?" (Trying to give a guy who I *know* has bpd some options he might like) he cannot just say "number 2!" or "neither!" because every choice before has been wrong, he can't read minds, he- oh.

For him, I'm the one with a secret conversation where he has to guess what I really want because what I said cannot possibly be a real answer, it's clearly bait to lure him into a false sense of security, a trap to prove how disloyal or disobedient he is, or how he doesn't really love me because he doesn't approve of my every choice, because the lamp for him isn't a lamp and he's done this before...

But what if- and hear me out- i get so overwhelmed by constructing and organizing these lies and mental traps that i shut down or just cannot fucking stop crying even though i'm not sad at all??? (Before being diagnosed, I was just Defective. It makes sense in retrospect.) What if I don't care about lying about this stupid shit. What if I'm so used to being a Problem all the time, I no longer care about people's nasty reactions. Those are inevitable. What if I say "do you like this lamp?" There is NO SECRET MEANING.

I am too dumb for secret meanings, dude. That's all shit i have to think about. That's work. Am I getting paid???

And what if he forces me to be more honest with myself in turn, making me figure out what i want more often, because i have to question his motives so much that I need to know my own? I didn't bother with that. I've always been too broke to be choosy about whether my shirt is black or green or has small holes in it. I'm demanding that he tells me directly what he wants. He knows what he wants and has never been allowed to say it. I don't know what I want because I've never been safely able to want things.

How am I supposed to get this repair on my own when I've never had a car to take in to a shop before? How do I know what's right or wrong? Dude, I take a bus or drive a car so old there's no hope of repairs.

But he knows. These are things that don't require doublethink. We can do them together.

And what if he started being around someone who legit didn't have secret meanings or hidden ... idk stuff, like secret hobbies or spending issues or something catastrophic that could make him homeless or turn the few friends he had against him

What IF... just like in this video game... where you keep making choices that back up Astarion's autonomy (like the Araj scene)... And what if, just like in the game, you can appreciate the skills Astarion has, which have nothing to do what the persona he was forced into presenting? And what if, hear me out, you become a better person, too? What if you also "level up?"

You *really do* get someone more stable IRL.

No, not in 15 video game hours' time with lots of breaks.

But I've had 15 years so far.

That's gotta count for something, right?

You like Astarion, fine. Maybe think about that therapy thing. But I will be Very Upset if "go to therapy" is a weapon, a passive aggressive way of saying Astarion (or an analogue) is a waste of time or inherently a shitty person.

You are presumably a grown up. BG3 is a grown up game for grown ups, which is where the Astarion character comes from. You can use your grown up skills to decide, on an ongoing basis, to hang out with Astarion. Astarion is not a pet project for you to use your tiktok psychology skills on. Astarion in this section is the 'shorthand' for anyone like him IRL.

Don't dismiss or degrade someone outright. Don't just placate them and enable them, either. And don't believe that BPD is some dangerous insurmountable issue that automatically makes you An Abuser or whatever. Chill tf out. Go touch grass that isn't created with pixels.

I need someone to do a video essay-length deep dive into how 75% of the BG3 fandom fell so hard for Astarion's manipulative seductor act that they believe that's his actual personality. This man has to practice his lines and still fumbles them constantly. He flat-out says it's all a front because he believes his sex appeal is the only reason anyone would keep him around, which is tragic. When he drops the act, he becomes this kind of silly man rediscovering what it means to be himself, and what it means to both love and be loved. He says "I'm all pointy ears, love." while turning his head to show off those pointy ears. Let him be silly, let him be awkward! It's so much more authentic then him being a walking innuendo.

He has a mid charisma stat with a bonus for deception and rolled a nat 20 on all y'all.

[sureuncertainty]

not adding to the post i saw bc i don’t want to get into discourse (so pls don’t discourse with this either) but i really don’t think that the chick fil a outrage can be compared to the wizard game, like i get what you’re trying to say but I don’t think it’s a fair comparison.

maybe this is me just being defensive bc chick fil a is literally one of the only restaurants in my area that i can safely eat and that doesn’t fuck up my order or take 10000 years in the drive through or cost an arm and a leg, its consistent and reliable and i literally have an eating disorder and am extremely poor, looking for alternatives is hard and costly and usually ends up with me either not eating or eating poorly, wasting money, and feeling awful about myself. like yes i’m sure i COULD find alternatives but that takes spoons and it’s a very high risk situation, and i don’t always have the energy to cook either

y’all have to understand that this isn’t just “an inconvenience” sometimes it’s literally the difference between me eating dinner or not, like something being easy for you is not the same as it being easy for everyone, and when it comes to FOOD which is necessary for survival, that’s different than when it comes to ENTERTAINMENT. yes there are alternatives to chick fil a, but accessing alternatives is not as simple as you make it sound. i try my best but I can’t always succeed. in my area there are a LOT of extremely shitty fast food places that fuck up my order and cost a lot and take 112982398 years to get bc they’re all understaffed and underpaid, so sorry that I go to the one place that’s on my way home from work that I can count on will actually make my order within 5-10 minutes

the main annoying thing to me about the game is the way that people still can’t let h*rry p*tter go, it’s a GAME. it’s also the people that are BRAGGING about playing the game that piss me off. i don’t go online and brag about eating chick fil a (unless that’s how you wanna see this post)  i just feel guilty about it all the time bc of posts like that, which adds to my feelings of guilt and fear and shame that already surround eating on a daily basis for me so thanks for that ig? 

and before you say it’s my job to get over it (i literally saw someone on that post say ‘i don’t care if it’s your safe food‘ like fuck you actually), you don’t know me or my life or my mental illness or my reasons for doing things. i have ARFID which is not my job to explain you can look it up if you’re curious. and yeah it’s not the same as no ethical consumption under capitalism whatever when there are alternatives, but the only reason the chick fil a thing got big was because it got out where they were sending their money. believe me there are LOTS AND LOTS of fast food organizations and companies that are directly donating to hateful places and republican politicians and christians and bigots etc. they just aren’t talked about as much.

and y’know what i’ll go ahead and say it, fast food IS accessibility for me, it’s important to have places where I can go and spend a little bit of money and get a meal that’s ready to eat without requiring me to prepare it or create dishes. where i used to live, we also had chick fil a and I never went there because we had alternatives that I could eat, that were safe and affordable. Now that I live in an area that does not have easily accessible safe affordable alternatives, I go there sometimes. and this is not a fair comparison to a video game founded on antisemitism and transphobia. 

that being said maybe i’m just getting defensive bc i am betraying my community and a horrible person whatever, believe what you want about me but i’m just saying that there are aspects that you have to consider, and your experiences are not universal. Believe me, there are other things I do to support my community, I can’t fight every single battle, and just bc this one happened to get more outrage doesn’t mean that I deserve to be shamed and treated like i’m just avoiding taking accountability or doing what’s convenient for me for occasionally eating one of my safe foods in an area with surprisingly limited options for safe and affordable actual fast food for being such a touristy city. believe me i’ve tried alternatives. and i try to do Mod Pizza more often than CFA, (those are my two safe fast food options nearby), but Mod is also more expensive, requires me to get out of my car and interact with people, and also takes a lot longer. those are not always possible for me.

not that i have to defend myself or my choices to anyone, i just wanted to make this post to tell my followers (pls don’t reblog it or let it breach containment i can’t deal with that) that it’s more complicated than this black and white issue people are making it out to be. think what you want about me but i have my reasons and I don’t think it’s doing anyone any favors to shame members of the community who are poor and disabled for doing what we have to do to survive and i REALLY don’t think it’s fair to compare something like food to something like entertainment

[straight-outta-collagen]

Jesus Christ I'm just. Pissed. Angry cripple coming through

All of this cripplepunk discourse is making me so upset. Like, holy shit -- no, mental health problems are not the same as physical health problems. And I don't mean that in a way that waters down how much mental health problems fucking suck! I'm dealing with both! I get it! But they don't suck in the same ways and I'm not being evil by saying that they should each be able to have their own spaces!

Listen, I *get* that sometimes mental health stuff can take a physical toll! I know that anxiety can cause cardiac problems and PTSD can sometimes give you chronic pain and so on and so forth. And as far as I'm concerned, if your disabilities are primarily mental but overlap in a way that makes them physical too (like what I mentioned earlier, or gastrointestinal issues, or tremors that make it so you can't hold things) then sure, fuck, whatever! Cripplepunk is for people with invisible physical disabilities too and as long as you're experiencing an *invisible physical disability* then even if it's based in your mental disabilities they count. But this isn't a mental health focused space and was never meant to be. Cripplepunk was created by physically disabled people, for physically disabled people, for us to be able to find community with other people who experience shitty body stuff like us. And if you experience shitty body stuff that's fine, come and join us, but don't be shocked if everyone is so busy talking about dislocations and incontinence and chronic pain and how to use mobility aids properly to properly connect with you on your depression or dissociative disorder. There are other spaces for that, where you can talk to people with other mental health problems and get support and community and tips on coping with shit, and I know this because I'm in them! Neuropunk and madpunk fuck severely and they're wonderful places to get what you're looking for!

But if you're dealing with shitty mental health and disabilities of the mental sort, and don't have much in the way of debilitating physical symptoms because of them -- why the hell do you want to call yourself a slur so bad? There's nothing wrong with being able bodied. We're not trying to make a cool kids only club that your functional organs or usable limbs are somehow not good enough for. We just want a space where we can be loudly, unashamedly physically disabled and not have to worry about able bodied folks butting in. I'm autistic and enjoy many autism-only spaces free from allistics talking over us, am I being ableist for requesting that, say, a allistic depressed person not join that autistic-only space? No, because it's for autistic folks! The allistic person wouldn't get any of the support they need there, and might talk over the autistic people in the process without meaning to. Or if I created a discord for psychotic folks (which I am, before anyone yells at me) then would I be unreasonable to turn someone away who didn't experience any psychotic symptoms at all? Absolutely not! Why is it so unreasonable to create a community for ourselves where we can talk about our own bodies and experiences?

This isn't the oppression olympics. This isn't us meanie cripples barring poor mentally ill abled folks from the single scrap of community they otherwise could have had. This isn't us evil gimps saying that we have it sooo much worse than you, all the time forever, and mental health problems are nothing in comparison to what we go through. This isn't even us saying that you can't have solidarity and community with us even under the wider umbrella of disability as a whole! This is just us, saying that our experiences can be vastly different, and it's not unreasonable to want to have our own space to talk about things that you might not experience.

[awfullybigwardrobe44]

Yes! That’s exactly what I’m trying to do. The reassurance I get from my OCD compulsions is never good enough, my OCD always finds a way to doubt it. The thing about OCD is that it’s the “doubting disorder,” so reassurance only works temporarily.

By quitting seeking reassurance and putting it all in God’s hands, I am allowing for God to give me assurance that LASTS by getting the OCD out of the way. The assurance that comes from God will be better than any temporary reassurance I could get to with my frantic compulsions. And I believe that healing the OCD is one way that God is going to get me to that assurance, if that makes sense.

As for how I talk myself out of compulsions, it’s a work in progress 😅 I definitely do pray about it. Prayer can be a compulsion, but it is one that I refuse to fight, because I cannot face something that worries me without asking God for help—nor should I, I think.

So for me, what it often looks like is that I pray about it in whatever way I feel I need to—ask for wisdom, clarification, and, ultimately, for salvation, because that’s what I’m so worried about—and I remind myself that I don’t know if I’m saved or not. I remind myself that I have committed to not figuring that out myself through compulsions. I remind myself that what God wants for me is ERP—for me to not do compulsions. I hope in the idea that by not doing compulsions, I will heal and be able to receive assurance that lasts. And I try to move on with my day.

I think everyone approaches it a bit differently. The lady who has been such an inspiration to me used to tell herself, “Maybe, maybe not” and then even lean IN to the idea that she was going to hell. Really dialing it up a notch. The logic there is that you go to the worst-case scenario so you retrain your brain to quit making such a big deal about it. She calls it “fighting fire with fire.” I’m going to link a blog post she wrote about it here:

I haven’t figured out if that’s something I need to do yet. But the “I don’t know” is what I’m sticking with because that’s how I started the ERP journey and it’s what makes the most sense to me personally.

“Moving on” is easier said than done. Because without giving myself reassurance through compulsions, I am left with the doubt that gnaws at me and tears me apart. The doubt that says “You may be going to hell.” It is hell on earth to live with the idea that I may not have a relationship with God and might not ever have that. And that I may be facing eternal torment. How does one move on with their day and life with that hanging over them? It’s a challenge. I end up crying sometimes, sobbing even. I get livid sometimes and fly into an absolute rage, and I’m trying to work on that.

But at the end of the day, I think it *may* be working. Too soon to tell. But one thing I can say is that I haven’t had this much REST in a decade. I don’t have peace, and I have a lot of worries about my relationship with God and hell, but I’m not spending hours (I have spent practically 12 hours before) doing grueling compulsions that make me frantic and hysterical and exhausted. And that rest is wonderful, honestly.

Thanks for giving me an excuse to talk about this! It’s actually really nice to kind of remind myself why I’m doing what I’m doing and to kind of organize my thoughts through explaining it.

I just keep discovering more and more ways I’m mentally and psychologically broken. It’s an onion. It’s overwhelming me. I’ve been in therapy for like 8 years and I feel like I haven’t even scratched the surface of everything psychologically wrong with me

[dissociativediscourse]

Im intrigued to ask you - when you say "let's start acting like narc abuse is okay to say", what do you mean? If it's in relation of anything besides NPD, i don't feel its okay to use "Narcissist", or that there's other words there from things i have seen (I have a weird habit of organizing words as such at times, and using specific words), however, don't entirely know how to feel about it at the same time

It's a genuine question, and i wanna know your response /g

It was sarcasm, in relation to terms that have a background of harming the community related to them.

I’m having a little trouble parsing your wording, but I hope an explanation of my stance may help answer your question.

I think that the term “Narc/Narcissistic abuse” is complete BS. People with NPD can be abusive. So can anyone else. And having NPD doesn’t magically cause you to be a Special kind of Different abuser. “Narc abuse” isn’t more valid than any other kind of abuse. Normally, it’s just emotional/financial/physical abuse/gaslighting/what have you with an armchair diagnosis slapped onto it.

Fun thing is, you can describe your abuse with those terms without harming an entire community of trauma survivors. I was abused by a woman with BPD and ASPD. I have BPD and ASPD. I’m not going around saying I was Borderline Abused or Sociopath Abused or whatever. Not because I am that, but because there’s no reason. What I went through was abuse, and none of it is anything unique to those disorders. And I also know that using those terms would just harm other people who have been through abuse and trauma that caused them to develop a disorder that they can’t help having.

Not all people with personality disorders are abusive, and people without personality disorders can be abusive in the same ways that get labeled as “narc abuse”. Many perpetrators of “narc abuse” don’t even have NPD. I’ve had people IRL talk my ears off about their “narc parents” that were not only obviously and decidedly Not Narcissists, but that had done things typical of many abusers. The abuse these people go through and the experiences they have are completely valid and deserve to be spoken about and listened to— but there’s no reason to throw a demographic that has nothing to do with such under the bus.

Just call it what it is. Abuse. Emotional abuse. Financial abuse. Gaslighting. Physical abuse. Medical abuse. Whatever it is. Because those terms are more useful, more descriptive, don’t harm people who haven’t done anything wrong, and actually have foundation in reality.

Thank you for asking. Hope you have a good day. I’m happy to discuss more if you’d like.

[obeiii-mee]

Heyo, this is my first time asking (im kinda new to tumblr, so please dont judge) if you would'nt mind, could you do some headcannons (or oneshots, it dosen't matter) with all the demon bros and a MC who is crippled/paralized in their legs, and has to use a wheelchair to get around? Thank you!!

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This is the first time I’ve written about a crippled MC, so I hope I didn’t fuck this up or anything. I found out that being paralysed in both legs is a disability called Paraplegia so that’s how I titled this post. And y’all are too sweet, you are more than welcome anon! I hope I can portray this properly because I am not crippled myself so I’ve opted to do some research before writing this! I hope you like it! Also, I feel inclined to add that none of the brothers would treat you too differently if you happen to have a disability because you’re their human nonetheless :)

——————————-

The Brothers with an MC that has Paraplegia and needs a wheelchair to get around:

Lucifer:

-Lucifer was in charge of choosing the final human, exchange student for the program so it’s guaranteed he already knew about your predicament before you even arrived

-Him and Diavolo probably had many meetings concerning your disability before the program could commence, considering that being unable to walk would double the chances of you getting killed since you are obviously more vulnerable

-Not to mention all the treatment you would require

-Lucifer is not well versed in human illnesses and disorders, but he makes sure that he is educated enough on the matter before you get brought down there

-It would not be easy, but he is determined to help you survive your year in DevilDom for the prince’s sake

-First problem of the day was, of course, your wheelchair

-Due to lack of time, Lucifer was unable to instal ramps around the House of Lamentation which meant that for the first couple of weeks, someone would’ve had to help you move around certain parts of the house

-He gave that highly prestigious job to himself because he didn’t trust his brothers and thought they would accidentally drop you and your wheelchair down the stairs

-He talks a lot to you, even at the beginning, because he needs to establish your needs and what he should do to make sure you don’t die for the following year

-You would have to tell him about physical therapy and how most commonly it uses heat, massage and exercise to stimulate your nerves and muscles, making it a great treatment for people with leg paralysis

-Once you two enter a more intimate and personal relationship, it’s more than likely he’ll help you perform those things himself (instead of kidnapping a human doctor from somewhere)

-Lucifer knows you have no problem getting around with your wheelchair by yourself but there are times where he’ll insist to push you along in order to give you a quick break

-I can totally imagine you two strolling around DevilDom and having cosy chats about RAD and your adjustments to DevilDom

-He has a softer side to him that he’s afraid to show most of the time, but he feels so at ease when you’re around, it’s hard for him to hold that part of him hidden from you

-Of course, your safety still remains his primary concern and he acts more like your guardian than Mammon does, even if he was originally supposed to look out for you

-He will accompany you almost anywhere. And if he can’t, he’ll have one or more of his brothers do it. And even then he’s probably lurking nearby, just in case

-He would always be willing to listen about your condition, if you wished to tell him whether you were born with the defect or why you ended up crippled later in life. Either way, he’s all ears

-If you would rather not speak about it, he wouldn’t pry and respect your decision because he knows it’s not his place to pressure you

-Because of your paralysis, it’s quite obvious to demons that you are even weaker (physically speaking) than most humans and that usually puts a target on your back

-Howver, never fear, because Lucifer is pretty quick to put lower rank demons in their place with just a mere stare

-Oop one of them passed out from the fear, haha

-In conclusion, he’s the most responsible when it comes your comfort and safety during your stay

-He makes sure you are always left in good hands and and provides most of the requirements you need

-Y’all should see how his wings puff up when he senses a threat approaching you, he looks like a peacock ready to go on attack lol

Mammon:

-The second born is unsurprisingly a bit of a jerk at first

-He stays really grumpy the whole day of your arrival because he’s stuck babysitting you stupid human

-“Lucifer c’mon, what’s all this workload for? The human can’t even walk by themselves, why do I have to help them out?”

-Wtf Mammon you can’t say shit like that

-Anyways, the following very few days, the only thing he’s thinking about is how much money he could sell your wheelchair for

-He’s the literal incarnation of greed, what else did you expect from him?

-After a while, he starts feeling a bit guilty every time he thinks about it though

-Mammon is gonna take this secret to the grave (laughs in immortal) but he actually really likes pushing you around

-Maybe it’s because it’s a clear indication to everyone around him that you are HIS human, under HIS protection and therefore you trust HIM the most since he was your FIRST MAN

-He will insist on helping you get out of that thing when you need to go to bed and stuff every night and he will get pouty real fast if you let any of his other brothers do it

-You wake up to him trying to roll around in your wheelchair one night at like 3am

-At some point, he stole a wheelchair from the human realm to match with his human. You can guess the consequences of his actions

-I can imagine you having to face a staircase or something at school and Mammon being like:

-“Fuck it, imma carry this fragile human instead; wheelchair and all!”

-Like you were a sack of potatoes or something smh

-Cue his brothers watching him from a distance as he heaves you and basically weight-lifts you up the stairs

-Ok but every now and again, he gets so sad thinking about you not being able to walk, like he starts crying kinda sad

-While you stand there like 😐 “Why are you crying?”

-He’s so quick to help if he senses you’re in danger too

-It’s canon that Mammon is crazy fast if he wants to be so if he has even the slightest impression that your life is threatened, his feet are already moving

-He will charge at your immediate threat at around 120 miles per hour-do not try him when he’s mad

-“The Great Mammon saved the day! C’mon MC, let’s go buy some ice cream. My treat! Ya better be grateful!”

-He says while the demon that tried to eat you lies on the floor with about a dozen broken bones

-Mammon is the second most powerful demon out of all of his brothers, even if he doesn’t resort to violence often

Levi:

-He didn’t really know how to react when you first teleported to DevilDom

-I mean, from the very beginning he considered you to be a human normie but at the same time, he felt bad you were stuck with his brothers for the rest of the year

-I think he would understand you would have an even harder time integrating yourself in their house because of your disability and he knows his siblings are really fucking annoying, always pushing you around and whatnot

-So, he kinda lets you hide in his room quite often

-You guys chill out in there all the time, much to the dismay of the other brothers who also want to spend time with you

-At some point, Levi definitely begged asked Lucifer to let you start online classes with him

-“But wouldn’t it be easier for MC to do online school from home rather than go to R.A.D since there aren’t any ramps or anything around there???”

-“The answer is no Leviathan.”

-“Ugh fine! What a fucking boomer-“

-For some reason, he gets so flustered whenever you ask him to push you around

-He blushes right to the tips of his ears and then he starts sputtering some nonsense that you can’t make out at all

-But he’s more than happy to do it, especially if you guys are going to a convention or if he’s dragging you out to buy new merch

-You two would get along in the sense that Levi realises the struggles you faced all your life were tough to overcome and he believes you are just like him

-Usually left out by other people, ignored even

-He knows you always listen to him ramble on about whatever he is currently obsessed with and how much you check up on him to make sure he never isolated himself

-He wants to do that for you too! Talk to him about your hobbies, please I’m begging you-he feels so bad whenever he’s doing all the talking

-If you ask him to help you with anything (getting something, helping you into bed—that sort of thing), he legally and physically can’t say ‘no’

-And he would get envious enough to stop talking to you for a day or two if you let his brothers do it instead (the second and third born are indeed similar lmao)

-S T A Y I N H I S R O O M, W H E R E Y O U C A N B E P R O T E C T E D !

-He will feel so much more at ease if you’re in his room because to him, that’s his haven

-If you’re in there with him, that means you’re not getting involved in his siblings’ endless and dangerous shenanigans

-Whenever you’re at school, he can’t help but worry about your well-being

-Because you’re human! You’re gonna get killed!! Do you know how much your organs sell on the black market in DevilDom??? 100x more than in the human realm, that’s for sure

-Would they have a black market or would it be a regular market lol

-For some reason, he also likes staying in your wheelchair when you’re not using it

-I think he just takes comfort in knowing it’s something that belongs to you and smells like you and-

-OK Levi, sit back down

-He wouldn’t treat you any differently if you had a disability tbh, but he’d be more concerned because you can’t even run away or anything

-So he’s so fuckin’ relieved when you guys are just vibing in his room

-He could die happy knowing he kept his best friend/ partner safe

Satan:

-Satan would be even more prepared for your arrival than Lucifer would, in a sense

-Out of all of his brothers, he’s most likely to understand and recognise paraplegia (either from studying human illnesses/birth defects/disabilities or from encountering humans with said disability)

-He’s a smart boy, alright?

-Always seems to be the first to notice if you need help or if someone’s bothering you

-Though in the very beginning, he was pretty tempted to just let you get killed to see how angry Lucifer could get

-Seeing dear Luci’s misery brings him great joy 🥰🥰🥰

-Once you two manage to build a very honest and strong relationship, he feels more and more inclined to keep you out of harm’s way

-Pls, he would feel so honoured if you let him push you around (it’s like you asked him to h*ld h*nds or something)

-If you require treatment of any kind, he would be so happy to help

-But in a subtle way...?

-Satan makes it seem so smooth too like he doesn’t mind lending a helping hand when in reality he’s all giddy inside

-*Kinda wants to rub it in his brothers’ faces but at the same no, because he’s definitely the bigger person here

-He wants to know how your wheelchair works

-It’s got all of these neat mechanisms and he wants to learn how they’re constructed because he never had the chance to inspect one before

-He’s such a sweetheart about asking you as well and never pries about your disability unless you start elaborating yourself

-Most of the time, he acts all charming and very gentleman-like

-So people have a hard time spotting and acknowledging the building rage inside of him every time he sees you are threatened by some moronic low rank demon

-Satan’s usually chill when it comes to injuries, unless he can see you’re in horrible pain

-There’s nothing a few spells can’t accomplish

-But when others purposefully try harming you?

-It’s like he loses all the self control he’s been trying to perfect over the centuries and he can’t help himself from at least breaking someone’s rib cage

-Satan’s a weird one because he’s protective of you even though he’s more on the relaxed side when compared to his siblings

-He very much acknowledges that you made it this far in life with your predicament so he doesn’t feel the need to baby you or anything

-You’re strong and he knows this

-It’s one of the many things he clearly loves about you

-That one time you rolled over Mammon’s foot with your wheelchair on purpose, he was wheezing

Asmo:

-Even now, he can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be stuck inside a wheelchair for the rest of his eternal life

-I mean, he’d obviously still be absolutely fabulous, have you seen him? He’s gonna be gorgeous either way

-But after the two of you meet, he definitely starts thinking about how he takes his feet for granted all the time

-It would be so difficult to complete his daily tasks without the ability to walk or run around

-That’s why he gets sad every time he remembers that’s your reality and on days like that, you’ve noticed he gives you a helluva lot more attention than usual

-He knows you don’t need pity or anything so he’s just making sure his human has all the support they can get

-Paraplegia or not, shopping trips are still a go-go

-He loves buying you clothes! And he loves helping you try them on! Asmo takes it very seriously

-Might have a go at the employees if they’re being rude to you

-You don’t even ask him to, but he subconsciously starts pushing you around himself whenever the two of you are out together

-“MC! Look at that new shop that’s just opened! Isn’t it adorable? We have to check it out!”

-He can’t help it! There’s so many places he wants to visit, he sort of just drags you with him wherever he goes

-Even at home, he always pops out of nowhere to coax you into coming to his room

-Y’all have so many skin routines to do each day

-Like he’s in your room most nights to greet you goodnight and tuck you in, with the rest of his brothers it gets so awkward at times

-Asmo just wants to see you smile, ok? He thinks you have a beautiful smile and laugh and he wants to remind you that you’re marvellous, disability or not

-And if anyone does anything to put an end to your self confidence, he will swiftly put an end to their life

-Please, he’s a pro at ruining lives, he’s been doing it for centuries

-Asmo has such a huge influence over the people in DevilDom, he just needs to make this one post on Devilgram to end said demon’s whole career

-I mean, who is he compared to him, Hmm? So don’t worry MC, scum like that don’t even deserve to breathe the same air as you :)

-That one time Mammon tried lifting you up the stairs and Asmo started shrieking, like put them down! Don’t manhandle them like that, poor human :(

Beel:

-I know I sound repetitive, but he would be an overall sweetheart to you no matter the circumstances

-If Mammon is not by your side, then Beel definitely is

-His big, scary aura and figure usually scares off any threat in a 10 mile radius

-Most demons don’t fancy being eaten by the Avatar of Gluttony, ya know?

-Idk why but I feel like he’d be the type to ask for oral consent every time he wanted to push you around

-He doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable :(

-Surprisingly also the type to lift you and your wheelchair whenever an obstacle gets in your way

-You basically weigh the same amount as a paper plate compared to him, so he has no problem doing so

-He doesn’t really understand your condition as well as Satan may do, but he’s trying his best

-You mean so much to him and he feels it’s only fair he learns more about your disability as a thank you for what you’ve done for him

-He has a rough time keeping up with you when it comes to stuff like physical therapy because he’s very unfamiliar with it but that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna help

-Of course, Beel believes that this is the second best way to show you how much he cares for you besides the obvious ‘I love you’

-Giving you a hand whenever you need his support the most

-That’s his way of saying “I’m not going to let you down. I want you to trust me, the same way I trust you.”

-And knowing him, he will try to do everything in his power to keep you safe and sound

-After a while, you’re bound to notice he’s the first one to pull you out of his brothers’ pranks before you have a chance to get hurt

-Beel is always the one handing you stuff from high places you can’t reach, without teasing you for it like Mammon might do

-Always the first one to remind you to get plenty of rest and to eat enough

-He wants to protect you and his brothers because he knows he failed to do so with Lilith so yeah, he’s a bit overprotective at times

-He doesn’t mean to be overbearing, but he gets so anxious knowing you’re by yourself

-After a few months of getting accommodated with him, your disability is no longer brought up in the conversation

-Because he doesn’t care that you are crippled and forced to use a wheelchair

-You are part of his family and he loves you no matter what

Belphie:

-He didn’t really care, even when you first met and his hatred for humans was at its very peak

-It didn’t matter that you had a disability

-All that mattered to him at the time was killing you to satisfy that deeply rooted need of vengeance inside of him

-Though he was sort of surprised his brothers didn’t get to you first

-In general, he’s pretty chill about you being crippled in both legs

-It takes too much effort to worry about your well-being 24/7 after all

-Surprisingly, he does keep an eye out for you if his siblings aren’t nearby

-It’s his redemption arc people, he’s trying to be nicer

-But he has such an irritating way of showing his affection for you

-Do not let him push you around

-He’s either going to a) fall asleep after 30 seconds and slump over you in the middle of RAD’s halls

-Or b) be annoying and fling your wheelchair in every direction possible just to piss you off

-He likes messing with you because you give him the best reactions and he thrives on that

-You’ve almost fallen off your wheelchair multiple times because of this asshole

-Not that he’d actually let you fall, he just wants to see how easily he can get you to yell at him

-Speaking of said wheelchair, like Mammon and Levi, he also loves using it when you’re not

-You’ve woken up to him curled up and asleep in that thing quiet often and he’s gotten in trouble over it every time with Lucifer

-But he doesn’t care

-And at this point, I don’t think even he knows whether he’s doing it to get a reaction out of you or because he somehow found a way to make himself comfortable there

-He would low key use you as a mode of transportation every time you go to RAD

-Just clings the damn wheelchair and almost topples both of you over

-“Belphie, there’s nothing stopping you from walking 😐”

-“Shh, just bring me to class and let me nap until then.”

-He doesn’t mention your legs but he still lays his head on your lap often

-Might make you hold him like a bride every time you stroll around the house

-It’s done out of love, I promise 😌😌

———————————

Al~

[well-in-all-honesty-i]

TW: Suicide

OKAY SO- I wanted to talk about Mafuyu and Yuki’s relationship and why it ended the way it did. I should preface this by saying that the majority of this, although somewhat supported by canon, is my own personal headcanon and speculation. I’ve been surrounded by a lot of people who I believe Yuki to be similar to, but I am not 100% accurate or well versed and this is mostly just from what I’ve gotten from those situations. Also, a lot of questionable grammar-I type like I speak, which doesn't translate well haha.

So I want to chunk this into 3 big pieces because I enjoy organizing things: Yuki’s childhood, how that affected his personality as a young adult, and how both of these lead to his eventual death.

Starting off with his childhood:

This one is heavy speculation (as most of this is-but this bit is particularly so) since there isn’t much canon to support this-or provide a lot of insight. But, what little we do know is that 1) Yuki’s father wasn’t present in his life-probably even before Mafuyu’s father had been jailed-and that, 2) Yuki and his father shared the same bull-headedness (?) and pride that Saeko believes led to his death.

I personally believe that Yuki’s father was someone who might have struggled with some sort of mental illness, as well as has had a problem with alcohol abuse. I also imagine that he probably disappeared or passed-either due to some sort of alcohol-related problem or suicide.

Saeko, from how she is characterized in the story, seems to be a very strong-willed and assertive person. In the aftermath of Yuki’s death, she's relatively composed and seems to have almost expected this to happen, although maybe not in the specific way it did. [Ex: When she tells Mafuyu that Yuki was always the type of person to die in a chicken race (a competition of pride, of sorts, that usually ends badly) and when she mentions him being similar to his father in that sense.]

In the flashbacks in the anime, when Mafuyu tells Yuki that his father beats him when he talks, Yuki’s response of ‘You know, a real father doesn’t do that.’ doesn’t sound like something a small child’s first response would be. It’s a bit of a reach-but considering that, as well as how prompt the response from his mother seemed to be (when Mafuyu’s father was jailed-not much time seems to have passed, and since both of their mothers are present, I've always assumed that Yuki's mother found out through her son and acted accordingly.),- it would make sense that Yuki might have some prior experience with this. Especially if his mother had gone through something similar-she probably would’ve warned him very strongly against the ideal his father had set, making Yuki want to be very far from that.

Speaking of which-I assume that Yuki probably had a very rough-if short-lived-relationship with his father when he was around. Given the stuff above, his father was probably someone who was emotionally volatile and tended to lose control when upset. If he had an alcohol problem, he might’ve caused a financial strain that fell onto Saeko as well.

Since his father was out of the picture and Saeko herself wasn't around as much as Yuki might've needed, it would have made him both very independent from his parents and adults in general, while also heavily reliant on Mafuyu (Hiiragi quotes both Mafuyu and Yuki to have been latchkey kids who found comfort in each other), both of which twist into the situation he found himself in later in life.

Leading into his teen years:

Yuki, as a young adult, is very independent-he works multiple jobs to pay for the expenses of being in a band, makes a point to avoid drinking, and is very affectionate towards Mafuyu. I'm not too sure about the reasoning behind why the four friends chose the high schools they did, but if Yuki's mother didn't directly influence that decision it's likely it was a choice made in direct relation to their band.

There's also very little interference from any adults in Yuki's life-namely, his mother. As someone who was probably very busy working as a single mother to support the two of them, her mentality was just to support him monetarily and let Mafuyu provide the emotional support in her place.

I think she also assumed her attempts wouldn't have been well received-most people noted how close Yuki and Mafuyu were and seemed to always assume that they had each other handled and that nobody had to worry about either of them because of it. In every way, it was simply easier to show Yuki she cared by not interfering and letting him hold the reigns of his own life.

A big indicator of this idea for me what when Saeko talked about how Yuki ordered his own ramen, the type he liked. It's a small thing, but it started me to read because it highlighted the amount of input his mother had on his life; which was very little. I don't know if he even used her money or chose to use the extra from his jobs to pay for it, but either way, it sort of put their relationship into perspective.

The impact it had:

Yuki probably had a lot of resentment towards his father, or, at the very least, a desire to turn out different. And oftentimes when a person is very strongly trying to avoid turning out like someone, they ignore or avoid acknowledging the similarities, rather than accepting and working on them to properly change. Without a strong parental/adult figure in his life, he wouldn't have considered insight beyond his own experiences. He's characterized to be moody and domineering, and Mafuyu is too soft-spoken to have brought up most issues until it reached its boiling point.

I believe Yuki might have had Borderline Personality Disorder to a mild extent. Some symptoms of BPD are mood swings, impulsivity, impaired social relationships, and a distorted self-image. They usually have thoughts of suicide or self-harming tendencies. When they feel insecure in relationships, in which they’re usually very, very invested, they tend to lash out or do rash things to keep them close.

Based on my relationships with the borderline people in my life, I've noticed that they usually bounce between having great confidence in themselves, to being incredibly insecure. It's hard to explain specifically, but they walk a fine line of being insecure and also maintaining a painfully strong ego, which makes them react very strongly when provoked, intentionally or not. Yuki and Mafuyu have a different type of relationship than I do with those people in my life which, for the two of them, means that Mafuyu probably had to provide lots of emotional support for Yuki, while also under the mild threat of Yuki coming to harm by his own actions.

Being with someone with these tendencies who is also unaware of them is very draining, especially for someone as mild and soft-spoken as Mafuyu is. Yuki tended to lead their relationship and was probably very noticeable when upset-and for someone who might not be used to speaking up or someone who has low self-confidence, it is difficult to bring up things. It doesn't feel safe if you don't know exactly how it would be received. Especially if they are the person you are closest to, it can be anxiety-inducing to try and bring up problems that don't seem to be incredibly important or unavoidable.

So, long story short-Yuki was closed off to receiving any kind of proper advice or criticism that would've saved him. Another symptom of BPD, as mentioned before, is suicidal ideation. So, if all these things are combined, it's a lot easier to see how he, surrounded by only his thoughts and ideas, would make the choice to take his own life when provoked.

It wasn't specifically that Mafuyu had caused his death, but more that he just sent him over the edge he had been teetering on for a long while. He was like his father in the sense that they had the same flaws that just came from different places. Yuki's pride came from the flip side of his insecurities and his own early independence, and his mental health issues as a whole are probably hereditary. The specificities of his death, where Yuki drinks after avoiding alcohol for his entire life, feels like he failed in his effort to avoid being like his father. He was different as a person but in the end, their flaws aligned and brought them to their end in parallels to each other.

Calling back to what his mom said-it doesn't feel unexpected. It is shocking, but not a surprise. Yuki was fiercely independent and wanted to learn and do new things, all on his own-including his own death and whatever follows after.

[I wrote this a while back and didn’t really like how most of it was speculation and hard to prove-but decided to post it anyway because I spent too much time on it lol.

Like I said before, most of this is just my head canons, but I hope it made sense! Feel free to add on with your stuff/arguments/headcanons :)]