#or tell me to stop defending myself?
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Instead of arguing with your anons you should continue writing stories to gain back followers
Why, that patronizing, passive-aggressive, false sense of caring sounds awfully familiar…
#fuck off#attention to my followers: if you’re going to guilt trip me into writing#or tell me to stop defending myself?#go ahead and unfollow me#I don’t want you here.#penny for your thots#asks#anon#into the black#the black phone#black acres#the grabber#the grabber x reader#black phone#grabber
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i think the funniest thing about me as a person is that i'm often a nervous wreck and terrified of trying new things or screwing up, but my disrespect for authority is so strong that the second someone tries to suggest that i can't do something because they won't let me or don't believe i'm capable of it, it completely overwrites my anxiety and makes me determined to prove them wrong right then and there. unfortunately combined with my general impulsiveness and impatience this used to make me very easy to manipulate if you understood this about me as well as leading me to take some really stupidly dangerous risks (until i started working on my self awareness and critical thinking), but it did also lead to several very funny moments in my life where someone misplaced a lot of confidence in my inability to fight back and got their shit rocked when i stepped up and called their bluff.
#🐉#reverse psychology is my greatest weakness even when im aware of it theres a part of me that wants to go against it#just to prove that i can#however it does come in handy when people assume i wont fight them after i warn them i will if they overstep a boundary ive made clear#and they cross the line anyway and get the shock of their life when i lash out in self defence#although im trying to work on nonviolent deescalation and walking away because thats not a sustainable way to defend myself#and could get me in a lot of trouble. so.#like yeah i gave them a fair warning but at the end of the day if someone tells you i bit them and has a circle of teeth marks#on their hand and theres visible blood staining my teeth no amount of 'well i did warn them' is#gonna get me off the hook and stop me from being perceived as the bad guy in that scenario. especially if there are no witnesses.
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I hate men and their need to act like any emotional reactions you have while you’re on your period is just you being “hormonal” and “not yourself”
(Rant in tags)
#like sorry I’m actually defending myself rather than just letting you talk shit about me directly infront of me??#when I’m on my period I tend to show more of my real emotions rather than what people want to see so yeah#but the conversation I was having with my brother was fine- I wasn’t talking to him in any way#he asked me about the monster that I had because like an hour or two ago he asked me not to throw it away since it’s one with the cod#qr code thing on it and he asked me if I threw it away and I said “no it’s not empty right now it’s infront of the microwave” and right#after my dad jumps in saying nobody needs to take offense to how I’m talking or how I’m being? when I didn’t say anything in any way? like#my brother didn’t even have the time to respond to me before he jumped in and started indirectly talking shit#I’m so done right now- all he’s done the last few days is nit pick at me about stupid shit like yesterday we missed the our bus stop and we#get off and this man starts yelling at me that now he doesn’t get to eat (mind you he never explicitly said he wanted to get off at that#stop I thought we were just going directly home)- he constantly says shit on purpose to get a rise out of me and now for some reason my#brother (the one that is 17) has been budding in and telling me to stfu and all this shit and my dad feeds off it and uses it as more of a#reason to justify how he’s treating me and it’s just so upsetting cause he does know I’m in a more vulnerable time right now since my period#is always really difficult anyways really sorry for the rant don’t have any friends I can talk to irl about any of this so to the internet#it goes 🙃#random0lover emotional dumps#random0lover rambling ♡
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#okay one thing that also always pissed me off about these friends I used to have is that#if I ever asked them to stop trying to make me feel ashamed of being attracted to men#it always got twisted into me saying I hate women?#dude those are two fucking different statements#any time I was attracted to a man irl it was always so sad bc it’s a missed opportunity#to be attracted to a woman instead#as if I’m not attracted to women#and have actively pursued women before#it was just always frustrating when the men-liking part of my bisexuality was conflated with misogyny#I actually am still mad about that#that I was never allowed to be upset when they put me down for having a crush on a guy#but if I asked them to stop acting like all men are evil when they were around me#it was because I hate women and I worship men#I felt like I always had to defend myself#and it always fucking sucked#anyway#I love women#and I love men#and finally being able to say that I don’t want to be around people who think it’s cool to hate on men or be disrespectful to men#just because it’s trendy or because they think it gives them morality points#is both the most freeing thing in the world#and terrifying sometimes#telling my lesbian friend irl that I don’t care if she hates men but to stop talking about it around me#was very nerve wracking because of the way these assholes made me feel#also like#anybody who sees a bisexual woman saying ‘please stop actively being hateful towards men around me’#and thinks the more important thing there is the continued hatred of men#rather than the comfort of your female friend#girl I don’t think you care about women as much as you say you do#I think you just like being hateful
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this is gonna sound incredibly virtue signal-y i fear but i have been feeling. so fiercely protective of all the transfems i've ever met lately
#marzi speaks#I PROMISE I'M NOT TRYING TO EARN GOOD BOY POINTS HOLD ON LET ME. EXPLAIN MYSELF HERE#obvs we're in kinda a tense political climate rn#and i'm noticing trends have been getting . increasingly misogynistic lately?#in like . a subtle but for sure still noticeable way#and women are being dismissed and all this awful shit#and ppl are going. completely mask off about it when the woman happens to be a trans gender#and it reminds me of when i was a little girl. and how my mom spent so much time in my childhood#training me to not stand for and take misogynistic bullshit from anyone. and to defend other women too#she taught me to assert myself in professional or academic environments. she taught me to stand proud and take up physical space#once as a kid my great uncle (who's always been a nut) didn't let me come on a fishing trip because i was a girl#when i came to my mom crying about it because i loved boats and fishing and my family she just about murdered him. completely tore into him#my whole life my mom has been there to tell me that people will try to put me down. they will try to overlook me or dismiss me#or make me feel smaller. and if i dare to get too confident i'll be labeled bossy or a bitch#and that no matter what i do i cannot let those pieces of shit win. i cannot let that stop me#and that i'd have to fight so fucking hard for it my whole life and it won't be fair but i will do it because i have no other option#and i'm seeing a lot of transfems having to navigate that now too#but they didn't get the privilege of being trained in this since day 1. they have to figure it out on their own#and the demonization right now is so strong that a single misstep can be. so dangerous#and it makes me so mad. all of that built up anger from every time i've had to learn how to not take misogynistic bullshit comes to a boil#the little girl scout in my brain who grew up forcing people to see that a girl can do whatever the fuck she wants fuck you is ACTIVE rn#she's angry. she's so angry. because she's seeing the same bullshit she dealt with in middle school being repeated again#anyways. transfems. i love you so much. you deserve so much fucking better.#i hope you can safely advocate for yourself. until then i will fucking yell and scream from the rooftops because this shit is so unfair#you should be allowed to succeed and you should be allowed to fail. and you should be allowed to take up as much goddamn space as you want#and wear whatever the hell you want. transfems i love you and i am so so angry on your behalf. modern feminism has failed you#and i am going to kill someone over it#remember to be loudly and unapologetically yourself as much as you safely can. do not let them crush your spirit
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anyway, bullshit witchhunt from this morning aside, i have good friends and my mama loves me, i have the best doggy in the world and i got a new book ive been waiting for. i hate this house and my stepdad was sulking so the vibe is...blah and more so the more im not just hiding in my room, but im happy and i cant wait to get my groups together for Wanderhome
#i should have gone to billy talent but my body barely carried me to ice cream shop#so ill have to be content with snacks and my book and my sweet sweet friends#i live a very cozy slow life and when people disrupt that because of their own delusions it fucks me up#i dont like whwn that side of me comes out and triggers literally all of my health issues but hopefully theyre over it and will stop#harassing me now cause that is so not my scene and i shouldnt have to defend myself to people that think i think coolsville sucks#sp im going to shower and get cozy watching psych and read my book while i talk to my sweetest most lovey and gentle friend#apao tho my mum always takes pics of me but because shes shorter than me they never look good BUT TELL ME WHY#NO ONE TOLD ME I LOOK SO TERRIBLE IN SHIRTS WITH SLEEVES?????#awful picture mother awful i say
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You know if I got put in a saw trap where I had to write a 500 word academic essay or rip out my own teeth with a pair of rusty pliers I would choose the essay but the decision would be a difficult one
#screaming into the void#what do you /mean/ I can't just ramble about the Symbolism and Deeper Meanings and I have to ~Explain~ myself?#it's right there man figure it out yourself#I'll happily tell you my interpretation but stop making me think about how to defend it#I have anxiety and Will second guess myself
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#cw vent#kinda wish my friends would stop making fun of me#like all the time#ik it's not malicious but it hurts#like they're making fun of me for having a date- i'm actually really nervous about it already#they completely reject any conversation or brief mention of my interests amd make fun of it and it just sucks#or when i don't understand a show bc frankly i'm not really enjoying the show that much like sorry i don't wanna watch constant gore??#most recent one is bordering on slut-shaming too and i don't wanna defend myself by telling them i'm still a virgin bc that shouldn't matter#i just wanna understand the fixation on that bc it's starting to make me uncomfortable like if things do get like that with this guy i'd-#rather not have that be a talking point but just a private part of my life#like they're good friends and they've been there for me through a lot but this is getting to me and i suck at setting boundaries so#i'm too scared to bring it up with them
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You don't actually need to even acknowledge the society's opinion on your life like at all
#as somebody said society's opinion is like a ghost everyone is afraid of it nobody saw it#its good that people talk about justice but sometimes you just need to chill#like I would see a post about how virgins are shamed for not wanting sex and I think to myself how many ppl I met who would shame me#and its either I have never met a person who would treat me like that or#I have met somebody who was rude or mean to me on purpose or by chance#if it was just bc they said smth weirdly or didn't think that it will hurt me i forget about it#if this person wanted to hurt me by saying a mean thing about my life style I think to myself how important is this person to me#and like its always complete NOBODY who means NOTHING to me so I just move on#yeah sometimes your friend or your parents can say smth mean but you can tell them to not be rude to you#and if they don't want to stop being mean to you then you should just re-evaluate them and disregard their opinion#bc if person WANTS to hurt you it just means they aren't worth your time or a thought#just leave them be and move on#im just so tired of defending myself and my life all the time now Im just Yeah I live like that so what#its hard work to free yourself but its worth it
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Don’t you just love it when you’re incredibly uncomfortable, socially awkward, and anxious. So then your body is like “okay, I know how to fix this. Let’s cry right now!” Like crying during a conversation isn’t even more embarrassinggg, awkward, and uncomfortable!!?!
#This has happened to me so many times and I thought I would grow out of it but apparently not.#Today I had a very unproductive doctors appointment and I couldn’t even defend myself because I knew if I spoke I would just cry harder >:(#In my defense he was completely dismissive of my symptoms and told me I should have been seen sooner if I wanted better care.#I told him that this was the soonest available appointment and he then told me I should have just kept calling and that it’s all my fault.#So obviously my eyes wouldn’t stop watering as he is raising his voice and blaming me for everything.#But still it’s so embarrassing! Can someone please tell my body that crying when uncomfortable doesn’t solve anything!!!#personal ramblings
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#me: *starts to get up to go do thing before going and doing another thing*#my mom: hey can you add to the 2nd thing you were gonna do#me: yeah. just let me do this other thing 1st#my mom: ugh so lazy#me: *switches the way i was gonna do them to appease her*#my mom: *begins yelling and getting mad that I'm annoyed she got mad cause i didn't want to do her thing 1st because it didn't have to be#the 1st thing i did but i changed it around anyway*#me: *defends myself because I've been accused of having attitude all week for no reason so why not*#my mom: stop talking to me that way!#me internally: how do you not even realize we could've avoided a whole argument if you had just accepted the your bowl didn't need to be#taken to the kitchen BEFORE i went to the bathroom?#ignore please#goodness i love my parents but idk what goes through their heads#when they start yelling at me and accusing me of starting an argument with them over stupid crap like the bowl#and don't understand why i would possibly feel like defending myself#when all I've been hearing about all week is some imaginary attitude i have apparently had#and them telling me i should buy them stuff or pay for stuff
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Having a uterus is fun because your friend will be like, "How are you? :) " and if you want to be honest, you'll have to say something like,
"Well, I've been irrationally, uncontrollably angry and upset for a few days but hopefully the anger will abate now that SO MUCH BLOOD (which I need IN MY BODY for my immune system to fight off all these plagues going round) is flooding out of my vagina.
Most likely, I shall wake up tomorrow covered in my own blood and ruin yet more sheets and pyjamas because the overpriced products I use to prevent that are more concerned with making me feel "dainty" and "ladylike" and "#girlboss" than doing their damn job.
Still, I must be grateful that my periods are slightly less agonising than they once were, since I passed that huge, concerning lump of uterine tissue through my cervix a few months ago. Now they're almost manageable (provided I take lots of drugs and don't leave the house)! #blessed :) "
#periods#menstruation#this is why I gobble birth control pills like tic-tacs#also periods make me want to scream and cry and claw things because it feels like I'm losing control of my body#I (really REALLY) don't want kids and I resent having to go through this shit so I can become a vessel for them#Took me years to (more or less) come to terms with the fact that this is just something my body does#and it doesn't mean anything about my identity#like whoever tells little kids that it means they're a woman now or it happens so they can become a mother STOP THAT SHIT#I much prefer bonding over how much it SUCKS#tw periods#periods don't make anyone more or less of a woman#that goes for people of all gender identities of course#trans women are women and trans men are men#in case anyone's confused about where I stand on this issue XD#because I know this subject can be triggering to a lot of people (myself included; see above comment about clawing and screaming and cryin)#My prefered euphemism is: Lord Bloodalot is making his advance on my nether regions#because it makes me feel like a badass general bravely defending her territory
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literally taking all the strength i have not to @ this bitch and beg people to destroy them on sight
#sigh#anger issues off the handle when its disservice to those i care about#catch me doing nothing to defend myself and it all comes crashing out of me like a rabid animal when its someone else#all those 'its not worth it' people: then tell me how the fuck im supposed to stop being angry its not simply don't expose yourself to it#i am not being exposed to anything
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god some times you just cant win. like srsly.
#today´s not my day i keep making it worse somehow lmao#so#i tried to answer a question to sorta redeem myself from that presentation#and like I tried to defend my point#and yk when you´re half way through v passionately defending something and you realise that maybe you're in the worng#and I was i didnt explain msyefl properly tbh but I as in too deep#and i honestly dont knwo why i kept insisting#prof was ncie about it tho she humoured me for a second and explained but yk#lmao the amount of msg i got in that minute of ppl telling me to stop#it wasnt that terrible#just. riding a high that took me nowhere lmao
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I do wonder what people would do if they felt all the pain they'd caused in the world
Not even the big stuff, we're not even talking stuff like politicians being forced to feel just how much damage they've done, we're talking about the small scale stuff
All the off hand comments that were thoughtless and hurt someone, all the harm done without even realizing how much harm you're doing
I think if I could I'd like to know, I'd like to see the places I've hurt others around me
But I don't know... I listen to some people and it's just like... I don't think you even begin to imagine the damage you're doing around you. I don't think you even remotely begin to think about not even strangers, but the harm you'll do to people you claim to care about
What are you gonna do though? People are allowed to say and act however they want at the end of the day and even if I tried to explain I don't think they could hear me
#ever since I had shit I liked really shit on I kinda changed my mind of how funny it was making fun of other people#and while this applies to stuff like fandom or whatever; it's really about things as a whole#you never know what people around you are dealing with and like...#I don't want to be the person who pushes someone into a darker place; way rather try and help them out of stuff#so I'm not saying I'm perfect; but I do try to choose my words with intention when I'm talking about certain stuff#I try to call my shots and make sure the my ire is hitting where I want it to instead of risking it splashing out and hitting people I like#none of it matters; people will behave how they wanna behave and there ain't shit I can do about it#and in the end we'll all defend what we do; me as much as anyone else I'm sure#but like... that's why I'm always talking about just checking in on the calibration of your moral compass#making sure it's where you want it; I'm not gonna tell you what that should be#though I suppose I will say that for me it tends to be focused on minimizing harm and maximizing help#you think I can't be sucked into hateful points of view?#get real; of course I could... might even already have some I'm just to blind to see; you know?#all I can do is try and check myself and check I'm not letting something like skepticism towards say a political group#start bleeding out and tagging unrelated people who are just standing next to them into my anger#make sure I've got a specific reason I'm mad; try to talk about behavior more than anything else#that's what I do; that's how I value things and how I try to keep my shit calibrated#but you do you; you're gonna do it anyway; so why would I try and stop you?#but there it is#...can I let you in on a little secret that I'm expecting no one's gonna read down here in the tags?#I wish I could breath all the pain and suffering and hurt anyone's ever caused me as a toxic miasma to seep into their bones#I wanna make everyone hurt just by making them understand the hurt they've put out into the world#one or two people that I'd spare cause despite the fact they hurt me often I like them way too much#and there's of course people who haven't hurt me#but I just want to fill people with every ounce of darkness they may have caused me; not even as a punishment; as a way to learn#people in this world are so thoughtless#but... whatever; there's a little bit of a secret I don't really ever say aloud#I want Soulcutter; I want to make people feel like I feel just so they grow some damn sympathy#the way it's described is so familiar; I think that my depression is severe enough I could use it#never draw it; hand resting on the hilt so you can remember how pointless it is to even both keeping your hand there
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ig my biggest issue with fandoms is the almost... false closeness thats there in them? ig since i was a kid and wasnt good at enforcing boundaries and was just excited to find ppl with the same interest I didn't really think about it but be real like, there was a vibe that it was "okay" and "fine" to expose a lot about ourselves to eachother that... i think if we knew eachother irl... we'd hafta be a lot closer than that to see or hear about that stuff...
#like ig am i the only one who thinks its kinda weird when ppl would pass fanfics around??#ig its just kinda normal now or whatever but think about it. youd hafta be closer friends with someone- besides just sharing an interest-#to see their slash fics right?? doesnt it seem kinda weird that ppl used to be so willing to toss that out there#ig the level of anonymity helps but my point isnt rly about the fics so much as it is... sharing information thats personal to you#i definitely didnt know how to assert boundaries as a kid- like i just didnt know it was an option for me to be like 'no i dont want to do#that' -wow that sounds really fucked up outloud huh!#ig my autonomy was taken from me so much as a kid i kinda just assumed i wasnt the one who got a lot of choices#and no one really taught me enough about internet safety .-. my mom did once but... she didnt push very hard#and that ended me up in a lot of shitty situations- like on here. how i posted a pic of myself when i was a fuckin child#sexualizing myself and some adult commented something suggestive back to me and ig i just. thought i had to accept the situation#like i just. thought it was ok to happen. ig since i had so many ppl rob me of my bodily autonomy before that it just seemed normal#or at the very least it was something i couldnt change so i didnt try and at the time figured i had to accept as normal#and since no one intervened to tell me what any of those ppl did to me was wrong i just. didnt think about how it effected me or if that#even mattered#so why is my life so dark exactly whys it gotta be like this tho#ig its kinda hypocritical of me to post this. i mean i use my account as like a diary sometimes or that im just yelling into the void lol#but thats also kinda because of all of this honestly. i think i realized i didnt want it to be that way for a while and stopped#but after all the shit with my abuser on here its like.. i feel like i cant not be as open as i am?#idk its like... a testimony or something ig. idk how to describe it. ig i just feel like ill always hafta be defending myself online from#everything. and if i dont talk about every little thing that makes me fucked up then people wont leave me tf alone about shit i cant contro#or change. like i cant go back in the past and not do whatever. but also as far as any actual harm ive done there isnt really... much there#ive had shitty ideas normalized to me sure but i dont really feel like i passed those ideas on to anyone really
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