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onyxiana-is-obsessed · 5 years ago

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Never Again | Denki Kaminari x Reader

AN: Hey friends! This is another server prompt I did, I chose my baby Denki this time. I’m actually on time, but that has it’s downsides, this is partially edited because I had to rush to finish. Sorry about that. Length: 3.5k Warnings: Angsty. Just super angsty.

Main master list - Go read the others!

Summary: You finally managed to build up the courage to ask Denki out. It doesn’t go the way you planned, at all.

Tag list: @peachy-yabbay @shiggi-trash @boku-no-dumbass @happynoodle @neon-tries-writing @x-midnight-violets-x @sunnieskies02

Denki Kaminari. Where to start with this boy? He was a major flirt, not like it needed to be announced. He flirted with ANY girl he saw and little ol you weren’t very special. He flirted with you the second he saw you, which was the last year of high school. Of course, you enjoyed it but your new friends were quick to warn you about his ways. You accepted most of his compliments but didn’t let it go anywhere.

No dates, no touching, nothing aside from the daily compliments which you would still find a way to turn down. However, after getting used to Denki, you decided to play along. It wasn’t anything serious. Denki’s compliments never brought butterflies to your stomach, they never made you blush, and you never thought twice about them. You were fine and he was just a great friend. Denki was blown away the first time you flirted back and it was hilarious to see.

It was after you two had graduated, you were still great friends, and even greater heroes. You had showed up to the hero agency where you worked a little later than usual.

“Oh, sleeping beauty’s finally here. Finally gracing us with your glory and beautiful smile, as usual.” Denki said with a smile. That day you’d felt great, so that could’ve been why.

“There you are prince charming. You should’ve woken me up with a kiss.” His eyes widened and his cheeks turned a deep shade of red. After seeing that reaction, you couldn’t help yourself. After that, it just became natural, really. You both would flirt back and forth and neither of you thought anything of it. Even after a couple of years, you didn’t have feelings for Denki.

That’s what you thought at least. But one day, one comment, changed all of that. Before that comment, you never gave Denki’s words another thought. It was needless flirting. It meant nothing.

“Are you and (f/n) dating?” Harbinger asked, a girl who was almost your partner when it came to being a hero.

“Oh n-” Before Denki could finish his words, you interrupted him, unintentionally.

“Please. Chargebolt wishes he could have someone like me.”

“Yeah, actually.” Denki responded without missing a beat. Both you and Harbinger stared at him with wide eyes. That was the day, you’re sure of it. That’s the day you fell for Denki. Those words and that look in his eyes, of pure adoration and love did something to you. After that, every time he complimented you, his words meant something. Every time you two would cuddle on his couch or yours, you’d never been happier. You’d started returning his cheek kisses, you were more eager to hold him or be held by him.

It didn’t take long for you to realize your feelings. You’d miss Denki more than usual and his bright, radiant smile would chase your worries away. He was… perfect in your eyes. When he’d flirt with another girl, it would hurt. Every time he’d look at another girl, it did something to you and you’d instantly wish you were that girl.

You’d lay awake at night wishing you were in Denki’s arms, when things got difficult for you at work, you’d immediately think of your blond friend. The signs were clear as day and you had no reason to deny them. There was a trend with Denki, one you’d noticed way early on. Denki had limitations when it came to flirting with other girls. He’d really flirt for the first few days and then it would die down pretty quickly and they weren’t too extreme. Of course, he’d overload the girl with compliments, but he never did what he did with you.

With you, he’d kept up this game for well over two years and it progressively got more intimate, not that you were complaining. Overtime, Denki showed more than his playboy side. He was kind and caring. Whenever you needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. Whenever you needed someone to vent to, someone to calm you down, or hype you up, he was here. Whenever you felt lonely, he was ready to hold you and remind you you weren’t alone.

It was only a matter of time before you did fall in love but you didn’t really hate it. It was Denki, your best friend. He was always there for you and from the things he’d been saying for the last six to seven months made you believe he felt the same.

So you came up with a small plan. You’d tell Denki how you felt in your most sacred place. The place you two always went when you- or he- needed to vent. A place where you’d spent countless nights laying on the ground cuddling while watching the stars, a place that meant so much to you. Even without Denki, you’d find an extreme sense of comfort there. So why not make another wonderful memory there?

“Hey babe! Where ya been? We missed you today!” Denki’s cheerful voice came through your phone. You smiled at the warmth it brought you looked down at the ground. He really was amazing, just his voice would make you feel better.

“Hey, love. I was wondering if you could meet me at our place tonight? Unless you’re busy or-”

“I’d love to! I’d never been too busy for you, baby! What time?”

“I’ll be there at 8.”

“Sounds good, babe!” You two exchanged your goodbyes before you hung up and quickly went to go shower. You wanted to look extremely nice for him tonight. You already chose an outfit he claimed was his “favorite to see on you” and use his favorite (perfume/cologne). You were excited but also nervous, however you calmed your nerves by remembering all the times he’d held you, or called you those cute terms of endearment that you loved so much.

***

You nervously fidgeted with your fingers as you waited for Denki at your favorite spot. It was on top of a hill that overlooked the city. The view was gorgeous, especially at night when you could see all the bright lights from a distance.

“Hey! (f/n)!” You smiled as you turned around, seeing your favorite electric blond running towards you. “Hope you weren’t waiting too long!” You shook your head as you stood up and gave him a hug, which lasted longer than a normal hug.

“Nope, hope the drive wasn’t too bad.”

“Not at all.” You two found a nice spot on the blanket you’d laid out and looked ahead at the beautiful city. “So, what’s up.” You were ready, no matter how nervous you were. However, you were silent and Denki definitely noticed. After being friends for so long, he knew every time something was wrong with you. He knew every time you were nervous, but he also knew the perfect remedy. He quickly took your hand in his and gave them an affectionate squeeze. You took a deep breath before speaking up.

“I like you.” Denki’s cheerful smile melted away almost instantly and it was replaced by wide eyes. His hand unconsciously squeezed yours, but it wasn’t to help or comfort you.

“Wh-what?”

“I like you.” You repeated, looking towards him as the anxiety welled up in your stomach. You didn’t know what to expect but this definitely wasn’t it. You kind of expected him to smile bright and say he knew prior to all this or at least hug you. The last thing you expected-or wanted- was for him to freeze up the way he did.

“Umm I-I uhh… l-look bab-(l/n)-” Woah, wait what? (l/n)? “Th-these were just jokes. I didn’t think you’d gain feelings for me.” Your heart shattered at his words and almost immediately tears sprang to your eyes. The butterflies disappeared and were replaced by an intense fear.

“What?” Was all you could manage to say, and even then your voice cracked slightly.

“I’m sorry. I-I didn’t mean for this to happen, I thought you knew these were just jokes and I didn’t mean anything by them.” You felt the anger building up in your chest, making you glare at him. You tore your hand away from his, which made him flinch. You shot up from where you sat and glared down at him. You could see the regret building up in his glittering gold eyes under the moonlight. God, he looked so beautiful, even now. You shook your head, pushing those thoughts out of your mind.

It was almost unbelievable what he was saying. He flirted, called you terms of endearment, acted as if he wanted you, and didn’t expect you to fall in love?!

“Why would you do that?” You wanted to sound furious and strict, but instead, your words reflected how much distress you felt. They just came out as a broken whisper. You could see the guilt in Denki’s eyes, you could hear it in his voice, but that didn’t help anything.

“I-I’m sorry… L-look, my efforts never work on anyone. I-I thought you were j-just messing around.” He stood up as well, trying to calm you but he could see his efforts failing extremely quickly.

“Messing around?! For two years?! You really are an idiot.” You scoffed as the tears started to fill your eyes and it was too much to hold back. A couple slid down your cheeks, making Denki step forward in an attempt to soothe your pain.

“I’m sorry! P-please d-don’t cry.” He urged, reaching for your face, however, you slapped his hands away and wiped your own tears, roughly.

“Don’t touch me!”

“I’m sorry, bab-(l/n)! I really am! I didn’t mean for this to happen, I swear it.” For some reason, hearing that he didn’t mean for this to happen hurt much more. Because… it confirmed he was never attracted to you, not even at the beginning. Why not? Denki went after every single person he thought was attractive and when he came after you, you’d never felt so special. Of course, your friends warned you about him. Numerous times. You knew they were right, so you played it safe and always brushed off every compliment and request for a date.

You knew you were dumb for playing along, but when he showed interest, it became fun. You shouldn’t have started returning his compliments and you should’ve known better. You were so sure you wouldn’t fall, you were so sure of yourself... You should’ve listened to your friends but you didn’t, now look where that got you. An ache in your heart that wasn’t going anywhere for a while.

“I’m so sorry, (l/n)...” Denki muttered, his own tone of voice matching yours. You looked up to see tears pooling in his beautiful golden eyes.

“Sorry? The only one sorry here is me. You know, Denki, I don’t think you’ve ever stopped to think what your stupid flirting does. I don’t think you’ve ever stopped to realize how much it could affect a person.”

“I didn’t think it would work!” He defended, throwing his hands forward as a tear slipped out of his eyes. “It’s never worked before!”

“That doesn’t mean anything! You never thought you’d run into a person who would get swooned by your efforts? You never…” You trailed off, your eyes looking away from him as more tears slipped out of your eyes. “You never thought it would work.” You repeated quietly, almost as if you were trying to convince yourself he was innocent.

“I really am sorry!” You looked at him with broken eyes and it pained his heart. You were his best friend and he didn’t like seeing you like this. He would jump through hoops to keep that beautiful smile on your face. All he wanted to do was keep your confidence level up. That’s why he was like this. He loved the way you walked with your head held high and he wanted to keep up with that. He just… didn’t think.

“You’re sorry? Now, you’re sorry? You weren’t sorry when you were toying with my heart! You weren’t sorry when you called me babe and baby, you weren’t sorry when we were cuddling or when you were kissing my cheek, or holding me like I belonged to you. Now, that I finally wanna be yours… yo-you’re telling me i-it was all a joke? A fucking joke?” A sob escaped your lips as your shaking hands touched your mouth, unable to handle the burden any longer.

Denki reached out and took your hands, but only for a moment before you pulled them away and shoved him. However, he didn’t stop. He kept repeating apologies as he tried to hug you but you wanted nothing to do with him. Well… that wasn’t true. Not in the least bit. All you wanted was for Denki to wrap his arms around you and soothe your worries and aching heart. All you wanted was to be loved and cherished by the man you’d fallen in love with.

But that was just wishful thinking. Denki made it abundantly clear he didn’t feel that way. He didn’t feel the same, nor did he ever feel that way towards you. With that thought in mind, you opened your mouth to ask him a question, one that made your chest hurt.

“Did you ever love me?” Denki froze and looked away, his attempts at wanting to wipe your tears away stopped. His arms fell to his sides and he looked down at you with those broken eyes. You already knew the answer before he gave it to you. Knowing that, another question popped up in your mind. ‘Are you sorry?’

“No.”

Was Denki sorry? Was he really? Sure, he didn’t like his best friend sobbing in front of him the way you were doing but he didn’t seem sorry before. He never once thought you flirting back meant something? You never made fun of him and anytime your friends made stupid jokes about him, you were quick to defend him. None of that meant anything? There were jokes you made that were confessions in disguise. You thought someone like him, a huge flirt, would pick up on the signals.

Maybe he did. Maybe he just chose to ignore them so he wouldn’t be put in this very situation. Maybe Denki wasn’t as stupid as he acted. Maybe he knew exactly what he was doing, he just wasn’t prepared for this to happen.

“Figures…” You whispered, your eyes moved to the window, looking at the darkened city outside. How many times had you two come up here and stared down at the gorgeous city below? How many special memories had you made with him? All tarnished, just like this very spot you stood in.

You could never come back here, not knowing what had unfolded. The embarrassment and pain were enough to keep you away for the rest of your life. You knew this pain was temporary, you knew you’d get over it with time, but right now, right this very second… it felt eternal. The pain felt like no other you’d ever felt in your life. It almost felt like someone had torn your heart out, yet that stupid thing was still beating and you felt the pain only get worse.

Why did you have to confess? Why couldn’t you have just kept silent? Why did you fall for someone you never had a chance with? If you’d never done this, you could’ve woken up tomorrow and Denki would still be there. You’d still be able to call him babe, get kisses on the cheek, he’d hold you, you’d say you’d miss each other, you could go out for coffee or out to the park and he’d tease you, you’d pretend you disliked it but deep down you both you knew you loved it. You… could’ve kept up with that game of pretend. You were pretty happy with it before. The only reason you even brought this up without much thought was because you thought he felt the same.

You thought he loved you as well. You thought… he’d see you the way you saw him. A rose blooming in a field of wilted flowers. You regretted everything. You regretted playing along, you regretted giving him a chance, you regretted ever meeting him.

As the tears slid down, you felt an odd sensation of warmth surround you. The cool breeze that had kept you cool so far was gone and your mind was still a mess. YOU were a mess. All you wanted to do was run away and pretend as if none of this ever happened. As if this whole relationship didn’t exist.

“Forgive me.” That sounded so much closer that he stood. You blinked, finally returning to reality. You now realized what that warmth was. It was Denki, he’d finally wrapped his arms around you and held you tight. You wanted to push him off, but you had no more strength left. All you could do was stand there as the tears slid down your cheeks and onto his shoulder.

“Would you?” He’d almost missed what you said, your voice was hoarse and it came out as a little whisper. He pulled away a little bit and looked at you, taking your face in his hands and wiping the tears away. He hated seeing your beautiful face contort like this. He hated seeing you so broken and to think he caused this. An useless, stupid hero.

“What?” He inquired, needing to know what you’d just said. Your (e/c) eyes met his golden ones. He could see how hurt you were, he could see the pain you felt and he wished to become a sponge and just take it all away. You didn’t deserve this. Not you, anyone but you. Why not him?

“Would you forgive yourself?” You could feel his shoulders slump a little and you had your answer. Denki stayed silent and hugged you again, gently running his hand through your hair. You still hadn’t moved and chose to accept this last gesture.

Denki knew that too. He knew this would be the last time he’d ever see you and he questioned himself. Sure, he had answered your question earlier but why? Why didn’t he stop flirting? Why did he continue? Why did he take it so far? You were the only girl he was holding hands with or cuddling, or going on dates which were disguised as “friendly hangouts”. There were plenty of nights where you two had shared a bed, or he’d kissed your cheeks, or held you close not to comfort you but for more intimate reasons. You two hadn’t done anything further than that. You hadn’t slept together, you hadn’t kissed, on the lips, and you hadn’t said: “I love you”.

You must’ve meant something to him since he didn’t stop. But the more he searched for an answer, the more he came up with the opposite of what you wanted to hear. He loved you, yes, but he wasn’t in love with you. Seeing your tears, seeing your pain, was enough to want him to force himself, however.

You were an amazing person, no doubt about that. You were caring, kind, you always looked out for him, you were always there for him, you were a godsend. So for you to go through this was cruel and unnecessary. If… he could force himself to love you, to return your feelings, he’d do it in a heartbeat. If he’d have one wish in this world… he’d use it to love you.

But that wasn’t possible. Denki knew that and that’s why he held on so desperately. He knew he’d just lost you today and this was the last time he’d ever get to see you. Something he didn’t know how to cope with. You were always there, you two barely had arguments and you… you were just always there. Now he’d need to learn how to cope with you suddenly vanishing. This harsh reality was a lesson for him, though. This was all his fault. Maybe if he’d listened to Sero, Kirishima, Bakugou- hell, even Midoriya- he wouldn’t be here.

They all warned Denki, repeatedly at that. Every single one of his friends warned him, not just for you, though. They’d warned him every time they saw him flirting with a girl. They told him it wasn’t a good idea and that it would blow up in his face one day. Denki just never listened, because he thought he was untouchable, that using “they never work” as an excuse would be like a get out of jail card. The last person he’d expected he’d lose was you.

You. No, you couldn’t leave him. He didn’t know how to deal with that. As he stood there holding you, his mind came up with idea after idea on how he’d make this up to you. He’d do anything and everything, but deep down, he knew none of it would work. You were done and you had every right to drop him and walk away.

Denki would never play with someone’s feelings like this again. He’d never needlessly flirt ever again. He’d never break someone like this ever again or may the world strike him down.

He’d learned his lesson, however, it took him years… but he finally learned it. Who knew all it would take losing everything?

#mha #bnha #bnha imagines #mha imagines #Kaminari Denki #denki kaminari #bnha denki #mha denki #denki kaminari imagine #denki kaminari x reader #my hero academia #bnha angst #mha angst

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pretty-rad-arson-dad · 5 years ago

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Hey guys so, about the whole situation that had happened with me being fasley accused of being a pedo, I said I'd make a post telling our side of the story (cause this involves so much more than me and them) and involves about 10 other people.

Also, ahead of time, sorry if this is messy, I just really don't know how to make these kinds of posts to clear things up? Explaining things like this is not something I'm good at. I was also going to post this sooner, but stuff in my persona life happened, and I've also received threats from this person's friends if I tried to come forward with my side of the story (or more like made anymore posts about it, as there's already a whole call-out post about them on Instagram, which I'll be showing later). After some debate, I actually realized it would probably be best if I actually did, just to get a warning out, even though I know there's a chance this won't be recieved well cause this is fucking Tumblr... And again, I'm just trying to tell our side of the story and warn others so the same doesn't happen to them. Also because I do believe this guy might have a Tumblr account and might try to seek out more people to abuse. I sure as hell know one of his friends who helped stalk us have a Tumblr though.

So, the person making the accusations was someone who joined my discord server, and at the time of joining, he was saying that he was of age. Several members on the server can vouch for me when I say this. Of course, in regards to him telling us he was of age, this is apparently something he failed to mention when he decided to make that callout conveniently enough. I'm still unsure of what his actual age is, wether he actually lied to us about being an adult when he joined the server or if he was lying when he claimed to be a minor in his callout.

Anyways, sometime after he joined the server, he started to become a problem. Me, being an idiot and feeling bad for him, allowed his behavior to slide, though I didn't know the full extent of what he was doing til a bit later.

He would constantly talk about how he was being abused and we'd try and help him with advice, which he never really listened to, and if anyone on the server mentioned that they had done something fun or had a great time doing something that day, he'd go off and make us feel guilty for having fun, cause his at home life was shit and apparently if he wasn't happy, we couldn't be either. He actually tried to pull some shit while I was celebrating my birthday with my family. This kinda becomes a bit important later? Or at least the day becomes important later.

He's also known as kind of a pathological liar on the server, claiming that they one of the official FNAF artists (one who doesn't exist, btw), and start rumors about YouTubers and other people we liked, and whenever I'd ask for proof, they'd get all defensive. This itself isn't a big deal, except he also has the tendancy to start rumors that people are pedos if he gets into a heated argument with said person. It's actually happened when one of my friends said he didn't feel comfortable with people shipping things between adults and children. This caused a giant argument to erupt and I had to temporarily boot said friend from the server. At this time, my accuser then decided to make accusations that the friend of mine was a pedo because he... Didn't like people shipping adults and children.... Of course, we told him to cut the bullshit and stop causing rumors.

Now, keep in mind, they got upset over someone being grossed out by shipping adults and children.

This becomes a bit important later.

We ended up having a few other problems with them as time went on, them critizing other members AUs (well, more along the lines of bullying them for their AUs and projects), more guilt tripping and at one point, even bragging about pushing someone to suicide (at least that's what 2 of the other server members are telling me, I can't confirm this, as it seems it happened during a period I had no internet, and there's a good chance they might have deleted it, but do feel free to take this with a grain of salt).

Eventually, he actually ended up leaving the server for good because of Tupperbot. Adding the stupid bot was the second best decision I've ever made in regards to him, honesty.

However, for a lot of us, the main tipping point was the roleplays and private DMs.

He loved to roleplay some pretty fucked up shit with a lot of people on the server. We've actually had one member as young as 11 come forward and say he had tried to do shit with them too. Keep in mind, he told us he was an adult when he joined. He would love to roleplay all sorts of weird, incestous and pedophilic shit with us, and would force it on us out of the fucking blue. Another thing worth mentioning, me and a few others are victims of childhood sexual abuse and rape. He CONSTANTLY put this shit in most of the roleplays he did with no regard to how triggering it was for some of us. We never even got a warning or an ask if it was okay to have something like that put in a roleplay. Some members spoke to him about their discomfort involving the shit he was putting in the roleplays, but it was disregarded and he'd continue to do it. Some of us were even so scared to say anything about it, as we were afraid he'd lash out at us and threaten us, so we just put up with it.

Aside from the roleplays were the really weird direct messages he'd sometimes send. There were times someone would be venting (this would happen in the server as well) and he'd respond with that they had no reason to be upset and that he's been through much worse. There would also be times when someone would be feeling depressed, and he'd make these private little group chats to try and "intervene" by inviting a few of us in there with the said person. This would be fine on its own, but he always made it a point to invite one person that we've REPEATEDLY had to tell him not to invite. I'll call this person Wah, cause I don't want to cause them any more stress by exposing their account name. Wah was someone we've told him not to invite because she was, at the time, experiencing a lot of suicidal idealations and we were worried putting her in a situation like this where one of her friends was feeling like killing themselves and her having to help to talk them down would be the sort of thing to set her off into hurting herself. We obviously didn't want that, so we made it a rule not to ever get Wah involved. Accuser knew this and went and always invited Wah anyways. And would shrug it off whenever we'd go off and remind him of Wah's own mental health issues. There has also been at least one instance with them and another user, who was feeling suicidal. They mentioned they had been wanting to kill themselves and accuser went off about how if they killed themself, accuser would kill themself too. This obviously scared the shit out of this person and made them feel more awful.

And there of course, is the shit they did to me. They'd sometimes randomly flip out on me in my DMs out of literally fucking no where, and purposely trigger my PTSD.

There's more, but I can't remember all of it because just so much went on.

Anyways, sometime after they left the server, people began coming forward with their experiences with accuser, telling all that he'd been doing in DMs, and mentioning his prior behavior on the server. We started venting about the way he had been treating us in the vents chat because well, we figured if we couldn't try to talk to him about his behavior, at least we could vent amongst ourselves. Apparently he had actually made a few friends on the server and they let him know we were talking about him.

Fast forward to my birthday celebration and I'm getting DMs from him. They start our fine enough but eventually he suggests we start a thing where we mention one positive thing that's happened to us each day. Cool, a fine idea on it's own, but as I've mentioned above, he's had the tendancy to make us feel like shit for having anything cool and fun in our lives, so of course me, and a few other people who apparently had received the same message, were hesitant.

I left him on read to think about it and also because, again, I was celebrating my birthday and I was about to blow out the candles on my cake and open gifts.

I don't remember all of what went down, and I don't seem to have access to the Instagram DMs anymore since I have him blocked on there too, but eventually, I received a message of him flipping out because he knew about our vents. I believe I might have ended up calling him out and telling him exactly why we were doing it, but I can't remember. This happened back in May so the memory is a bit fuzzy and I don't have the DMs anymore.

All I know is that most of the members of the server decided to cut him off.

After that, he tried to tell Wah I wasn't who I seemed to be and attempted to ruin our friendship, made several accounts to stalk the Instagram accounts of serveral other of the server members and I, and then we ended up having to kick a few of their friends from the server cause they were starting to cause trouble.

Then there was silence for a bit.

And then there was the incident. They had gotten a (at the time former) friend of ours involved by lying and manipulating them into believing I was doing all sorts of nasty shit. The friend, who I'm going to call Pasta, ended up bringing that stuff over to Tumblr, unaware that they had been lied to. I'm not sure if it was Pasta who reached out to us, or if it was one of us who reached out to Pasta, but we ended up telling them what was going on, and somehow, accuser found out, and accused them of being a traitor and freaked out on them. They admitted that accuser was responsible and we ended up making up.

I've also since then had some of accusers former friends come to me and tell me about the call-out, further confirming that it was them who started all this as a way to try and get back at me.

And, since of course some obligatory proof is required, I shall provide these call-out posts with some screenshots. And you can even see in the comments we're far from the only ones who have dealt with them.

These aren't the only things from them, obviously, but considering the fact that we've all now got them blocked and some of us have even deleted the DMs (because tbh, most of us thought that cutting them off would be the last of it), this is what we currently have.

Anyways, thanks for reading this long ass mess. Hope y'all stay safe.

#drama #//pedophilia #//incest #//rape

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retrorealeyes · 5 years ago

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a rife with misspellings rant where i promise to be better @ the end ...and then i psychoanalyze myself lol (what did you expect)

ahhaha since we're all ranting about how much we're failures. Lemme join in. I just feel so awful in every aspect my life has been slowly detoriating. I basically hat emyself, though the hat eis not as bad as it was before (I thouhg I was better at least but it turns out i'm still subtly suicidal, just that when i feel better my mind forces me to forget that ever happened so I literally didn't even know until I looked at some notes I wrote), my life certainly is. (keep in mind there's one guy that is extempt to some of this) I keep distancing myself from my friends, I don't have people I regularly contact, I grow tired of texting people and just close myself off. I don't tel other irl people my issues, further scaring them away. I haven't been exercising for 4 months. I don't have any particular skills I cna boast of (or maybe I do, but I wouldn't anyway because who needs to tell people what they like). I haven't done anything all summer further detoriating my position. Every single interactionw ith my family I come out of being tired, and I'm always annoyed with them. I sleep 9-11 hours and yet it's not enough. I have basically all Fs in my classes because I distract myself and procrastinate on my homework because I don't have any motivation and supplement that time with useless entertainement. I'm not resposible with anything. And i'm tired just so tired. I was gonna say something else so i'll keep gong until i get it again. oh yeah-- and i am just so, so slow on everything. i'm gonna fail my grade and cry myself to sleep everynight because i can't get into college. And I barely do anything to beign wiht, just useless emotional nonsense I'm cutting myself off now. Cold turkey gonna do my hw this week, 7 days, then I'll be back. I know no one on tumblr cares, or will hold me accountable. I might go on discord (but i’ll time myself), tumblr if i need to vent (no liking, scrolling, or reblogging), and whatsapp, and instagram for just messaging (NO VIEWING STORIES AND it’s timed). And i’ll probably use spotify and YT for music but i’ll try to controla and limit that. responding quickly or not at all; not checking servers on discord except for designnated times; NO watching videos on YT/tiktok or whatever; no scrolling twitter

I can’t think of what else I shoudl restrict-- my drawing time since i’m trying ot do school; not visiting any websites; not spending time on other unccesay things; gettin readyin the mornig; keeping my walks under 60 minutes; waking up when told to; belieing in my will power and not giving myself a boost before (except now, it’s a bad habit ik, ik sorry); no negative self talk; keeping my room clean; being positive to everyone; focusing during class; FOCUS ily 2 i’ll see nobody later but succesfful hw-done self. I know it’s 4 p.m. and my stomach is literally zooming in my torso, but i can do it.

no. i WILL doit. i was gonna say something else. oh yeah:

1) eat or whatever (10 minutes)

2) history ch. 24

3) history ch. 25

3) change and 10m walk (or 20) [ignore the repeat, i’m not good @ formaatting on tumblr so i numbered it by hand and i don’t have the will to fix it]

4) sit outside; write short story, brainstorm w/ notepad (or phone) on walk

5) clean room

6) dig des thing anyway (1h @ most)

7) algebra video notes x3 (or 2)

8) message you know who + someone else, finish hannah’s card

9) algebra work x2-4

10) chem notes for 1h (try to finish all)

11) read frankenstein (+ do the other assignment)

12) @this point, probably sleep

13) if not japanese notes 1h

14) english charts x2

15) close tabs maybe please??

16) Forensics hair lab

-to add this started because I was suppsoed to “love myself” but instead decided to a. completely ignore crush guy for uknown possibly angry self esteem realated reasons (? my emotions are unreasonable) b. hate myself again lol that’s pogs

-guys guys guys i’m gonna meet my (kinda sorta) best friend this Wednesday and by that point i’ll be a better person and i’ll get to talk to her about my crush and i’ll have improved by then and aaaaahhhhh I really am excited because being around her destresses me. bruh. why did i not meet up for this long (your bad hw guilt lololoollo criessss) and maybe i’ll come out ahhhh i love herrrrrr (platonically, i get to clarify because i’m bi)

-myy grandparents are yelling at each other :( good to know that i’ll have to go down to that (they think im not home) disturb them and eat. it’s also good to knwo their marriage is unhappy and htat’s what my parents will end up as and that’s what i’ll end up as (probably not, but i acutaly didn’t want to marry anybody for a while ebcause i didn’t want to end up w/some body like my dad) [”the good to know”s are sarcastic]

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autorobotcollectorx · 6 years ago

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A Problem With The Furby Community

THIS IS A RANT DRAMA AHEAD

This is the only post i will be making on the drama

Hello everyone before i start i want to address a few things here.If you are mentally ill and unable to resolve conflicts in a respectful and understanding manner you have no place or right to be an admin of a group.I hope you get help and become a better person whatever anyone is going threw right now i know you can be well again.You can do it.But that does not give anyone an excuse to be toxic and rude towards others.

I have been accused of being a scammer and its been effecting me so negatively lately especially with sales when people slander my name like this.I have memory issues and i had forgotten i had to pay people i even made a post about it today.How i felt bad that i had lost track of people i owed money too ect.I have paid one person already and i am making sure to get everything to everyone who has either bought a furby from me or i have commissioned.A scammer would not take the time to make sure everyone is happy and paid off mind you.

I had actually commissioned Root(maker of the podge furbys) a year ago and i have been more then patient with them.They disappeared without notice in the middle of the commission as well which was very unprofessional.Yesterday they suddenly canceled and called me a scammer asking me to not contact them anymore.Instead of talking this out they chose to bring up past grudges on me and not even care to listen to anything i had to say on the matter..Over this post/vent i had made.

“Hey i wanted to talk about this because its really bothering me.I suffer from schizophrenia and most of the time i forget allot of things even days at times and it effects my sales such as furby sales.I don’t have a job so i have been selling my items so i can afford to feed myself and get my medication and i have found looking threw my messages that i still need to ship items out.I sent those people messages and i can get them shipped this week if i have a ride(i cannot drive).But i am falling into a depression because its just never enough i dont make much and idk what to do.Once i pay people off and get items sent off i will have only $10.I am anxious as well because i need to find someone to drive me out tomorrow to ship items but i dont have many friends.The last thing i want to do is upset people because the furby community have helped me allot its become the biggest thing helping me cope with my medical and physical issues i have been having.If i didn’t have this community i would be at risk physically and i just want to make friends and get these furbs to their new homes.I’m forgetting days at a time and i don’t know i feel like a burden right now“

They responded with this in an email.

““Hello, I am terminating these commission talks for several reasons, but most particularly your recent post to tumblr (included below for your reference). I am not comfortable proceeding with these commission talks when you're in such a vulnerable space financially & otherwise, and I am not sure why you misrepresented your ability to commission my art to me, as I am also a disabled artist with limited personal resources. Between this, your inappropriate demand for my emotional labor at my personal social media, and your past history of scamming (for which I removed you from the Furby community discord server, and only today found out that you are that person), I am uncomfortable engaging with you further. I will not willingly sell to you, and I'm asking you to not contact me again. Sincerely, Root

With the first part they pretend to act like they care about my current financial struggles but then go on to talk about their disabilities like it over rides me essentially putting themselves on a high horse.After they talk about my “inappropriate demand for my emotional labor at my personal social media”Because i sent them something along the lines of “Hey can i get some advice on something”In which they responded with a paragraph of how they are physically ill/mentally ill and cannot handle others baggage.I found that be be highly unnecessary and inappropriate myself due to how simple of a question i asked of them.They clearly were trying to guilt me for asking a simple question due to their emotional vulnerability at that moment in time.They could have just said “no thank you i am sure someone closer to you can help” I just thought i could use an opinion so that is why i asked for their help.Lastly i have NO past history of scamming i had a bad time with someone over $15 and they forced paypal to refund them the $15 they were owed from me.That is why i got banned from robotchat and all the furby discords and yes this is very unfair to me.Root acknowledges that they still have a grudge on me and i find it to be a very unhealthy mindset to have especially since i have never done anything to them personally.Also i did have the money to pay them for my commission in full even though it was going to leave me with $10 i wanted to support them as an artist regardless of the mistreatment they handed me in the past.

They did get me blocked from the furby discord over slander against me before BY THIS ONE ADMIN and i had forgiven them.I just wanted to support them as an artist but they did not even attempt to try and talk things threw with me and understand my views they really should not have the right to be an admin with this bias.Also it is NEVER OKAY to use your mental or physical illness as an excuse to be toxic like this.

Sometimes i just feel like no one likes me and i get depressed and distressed sofdshrinere just has a personal and very unhealthy hatred for me.I am a pacifist and i try to forgive but i feel like the only one trying most of the time.This community is suppose to be innocent welcoming of everyone and kind but its really turned on me.

It is unfair that i cannot be apart of any discord because they are ALWAYS one of the admins and they have this bias towards me.

Thank you for all the support and i really do hope the best for them i hope they get help for they mental and physical issues.I have gotten help for mines and i am not medicated and in a healthier mindset.Please send good vibes their way for me and PLEASE do not harass them over this i just wanted to make this public and hopefully resolve these issues.

#allfurby #furby #drama

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starswrit-archive · 6 years ago

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ooc;

thanks so much to the people who have reached out to me today. i really appreciate it more than you know, and i’ll reply to each of you soon to thank you personally. <3 i have a lot on my mind as far as writing and rping in general, which i need to get out somewhere. so, i’m dumping it here. it’ll be under the cut and it’s more for my own sanity/need to vent, so...you don’t need to read it. what is important, is that i’m taking a break. i’m not sure if it’ll be a day or until next week. maybe i’ll be posting tomorrow, i’m not sure. i’ll be back after a few days at most, but i need to take care of myself a bit. hope everyone is well. ^^

i’ve been rather absent on all of my blogs the past few months, posting sporadically but always checking them to message people back ooc. i said that the reason for that was my recent illness, which is true. however, there’s been more to it that made me slow to return and write at all. something happened today that was sort of a culmination of a lot of negative emotions i had been stowing away, and they hit me all at once. shane, in particular, has been amazing about letting me talk through it, and i can’t thank her enough for that.

most of it stems from a lot of rejection and feelings of inadequacy, whether it’s in a fandom or just in a one-on-one basis. i’m someone who will try to reach out to people about ships or threads ( or i was until more recently ). i know a lot of people say they’re shy and don’t want to be a bother, so i got in the habit of reaching out first, whether that’s by asking if they’d like to plot, expand our muses’ relationship, or even just being the first to follow. in the past year, hardly any of my efforts have worked. a majority of blogs in the fandoms i rp in never follow me back even though they follow back friends of mine. people i try to talk to say they’re interested in rp, but either ghost me or leave me to do all of the work, thus making me feel as though they aren’t interested. which they’re free to do. everyone should do what makes them feel good and comfortable on their own blog. but after it happens over and over and over and over again, you start to wonder if you’re the problem. but i don’t know what it is that i’m doing or how to fix it. i appreciate the people i am writing with and who reached out to me first so much as i’ve gotten to a place of feeling anxious now myself. maybe it seemed small to you, but it meant a lot to me, and i’m sure to others you’ve done the same for.

people particularly are scared to ask about shipping, so i started asking people who posted about wanting ships if they were interested, primarily muns i was already writing with or had spoken to ooc. i’ve done this, i want to say, at least 10 times in the past year and been told no every time except for twice. people aren’t obligated to ship with me, and i’d never expect that. but to have multiple people posting asking for ships, only for them to either say no when you respond ( and then stop talking to you even though you say that you’d love to continue platonic things, and you lose someone you really liked writing with ), or say “we can see what happens” but will jump straight into ships with other people they barely know without any build-up, wears on you. such blatant lack of interest makes me wonder what it is that i’m doing that maybe makes me come across as someone they don’t want to try that with.

rejection in life is inevitable, and i accept that. and i’m not angry at the people who turned me down. but i feel like i must either a) write muses people have no desire to ship with or b) write my muses in a way that’s “unshippable.” i don’t know what it is. i want to change things so that i can explore ships with my characters and not rely on the same two people for ships, but i don’t know what to work on. i’m stuck.

even in rp servers, i’ve had this happen countless times the past year. people ic and ooc will blatantly hate on my characters or refer to them as undesirable, even if it’s canon that they’re viewed as attractive. or just flat out ignore that they exist. i feel like i must....write my muses ugly? idk. but that’s what ended up happening today, except a writer took their hatred of my muse personally and i guess disliked me? and posted some really hurtful and embarrassing things publicly in the server. it was like having someone finally say that i wasn’t imagining it and that i really am doing something that makes me or my muses, or both, so inherently unlikable.

maybe it’s all just been bad luck and bad timing. but all of these things building up consistently make me feel like it’s me, and there’s something wrong with me.

i know i’m a slow writer. i understand that can be frustrating. but i’m around ooc posting, and try to reply to people i actively speak to as much as possible ic. i was actually getting quite good about getting through my drafts each day on this blog and my kuroo blog about a month ago. but my self-esteem has taken such a nosedive that i find it more of a chore to do them now, because i feel bad, almost, subjecting people to writing with me. because i feel there must be something wrong with me or my writing or my muses. or all three.

i honestly hope no one read all the way through this, omg. it’s really embarrassing to me to be having this issue and feeling like i’m whining about it. my worst fear is people thinking i’m trying to guilt them into deeper interactions or ships, which is NEVER what i want. if it’s only coming from obligation, it’s not fun or good for either side. i just...genuinely feel like i need to know what i’m doing wrong before i can feel good about rp again. maybe i just have a vibe that people don’t like and there’s nothing i can do. i’m not really sure.

anyway. please tell me no one read this rambling mess. i’m going to delete it either tonight or tomorrow because i’m sure i’ll feel stupid about posting it, but for now? i think hitting that post button will be cathartic, because these are feelings and doubts and fears i’ve been hoarding for so long.

#ooc┊▸ re: post #tbd.

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dorky-oreo-pone-blog · 7 years ago

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Some Artist Ramblings(TM)

First things first, thank you all so so sooo much for the support on that Dash pic! I really can’t thank ya enough, it’s nice to see so many people taking a liking to what I do.

Secondly, I have some FAQ’s that I feel should be addressed real quick, sooo~ Q: Do you take requests? A: Not really, only for super close friends and even then there’s no promises there. (The keep reading below kinda goes into detail about this sagdjfhb) Q: Do you take commissions? A: At the moment, no. This is merely a hobby for me and at the moment I’m just going to keep it that way. Maybe sometime in the future when I can get more things worked out? Q: Do you draw NSFW? A: Not entirely? I guess the idea of tubbos in and of themselves is suggestive, but for the most part nothing explicit. I’m mainly asexual so NSFW doesn’t really do much for me. ‘ w ‘

Okay... Now that that’s all out of the way, time for the rambly bits. O deer. Here we go. (This is your TL;DR warning by the by. The by. You can scroll along if you wish!)

Going into detail about question numero uno from earlier, or really all the questions in general. The stuff I do is mostly just for hobby. If I can make a little off of it from generous donations (which by the way to anyone who has done that I appreciate it more than you know), then I’m fine with that. But ultimately, the things I doodle I doodle because I want to. They make me happy and it’s nice to have that stress reliever in a time where course work picks up a lot and it makes it hard to catch breath every now and again. And sometimes the things that make me happy include, you know, doing things for other people. Not to boast myself up but I like to think I’m somewhat generous in that regard.

However, what I don’t like doing is drawing characters because I feel pressured. For example. When I post a piece of art in say a server or whatnot on discord, I do that because I think it’s nice to share it with friends. What I don’t like to see is when I post something and the response I get is “weh I’ll never get something from Oreo...” I suppose I’m addressing this not only for my sake but for other artists who feel the same bit of pressure.

Most of us I believe draw because we enjoy it, and find that we do have at least some resemblance of skill in it. However, when we get these kinda guilt tripping comments, it turns something that we find enjoyable into something dreadful. You worry about posting to places or showing anything to anyone all because someone might try and make you feel bad for not doing their character. “Artist Friend Syndrome”, as one of my closest friends put it. It’s understandable, really, and honestly I think we’ve all been there at some point. But just take this as a bit of warning... Just be cautious about suggesting what one of your friends draws. We’ll draw something for you if we want to (we being, you know, artists and artist friends), and if you’re kind about it. Don’t state, don’t ask or whine, be kind and nice about it. When I get comments of people feeling bad I don’t do things for them, not only does it not make me want to draw your character (who I’m sure is fairly cute), it makes me not want to draw, period. The amount of times I’ve had free time to draw and just haven’t because I’m worried someone is gonna get jealous or unhappy is like, too high for me to count. Granted I’m not very bright but shhh.

And I suppose some of this ties back to why I don’t take commissions. Once again this is just something that’s fun for me, I do it as a hobby. I’d hate to take a commission and end up being really late about it. Partially because I’d be stressed or partially because I’m busy with school. I hope that makes sense?.. I’m not good with words sometimes.

I’m not rambling all of this because I’m in firey flames of unholy fury or really angry, I just think it’s something that should be thought about, especially considering it’s been occurring a bit in some of the servers I’m in. I’ve been guilty of it too in the past, it’s human nature to want. But sometimes we just need to be better than nature, ya dig? It’s exhausting to feel responsible or that you’re not doing the best you can because you haven’t drawn all your friends characters. And I’m sure I’m not the only one who feels that way.

I hope this helps provide some insight as to why I do the things I do, or what I doodle and get up to. And to all of y’all who listened to me preach like a total nugget- well thanks. It’s not often I like to vent like this but it’s been on my mind tonight and figured I should just lay it out and be transparent on how I feel.

Also, yeah I’m ace. Don’t think I’ve publicly admitted that yet but like, hey do with that what you will! : D

Double-also, if you wanna chat with me (I’m honored), here’s my discord at the moment for you to hit me up at because ultimately I’m very bad at updating the username in my tumblr header whenever I change it oops. Dorky-Oreosaurus (B-Day 10/19)#1019 Also please don’t feel bad if I don’t respond right away, I have quite a handfull of people that I reach out to and sometimes that makes it hard to get back to everyone. Don’t take offense, I just don’t have enough attention for so many messages at once

Triple-also, yes! Birthday is on the 19th. Spooooky~!

Okay I’m done chatting now. Thank you for listening to my ted talk. : D

#oreo-mod #ramblings #really long post is long #about silly stupid stuff #sorry for cluttering up your dashboard afksh

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artificiary-fr · 5 years ago

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Hi, hello, I'm so sorry to intrude- genuinely. But if you feel like you're intruding on people in a group discord- please take it from a fellow RSD person: it's not you. often times people within a group don't know how to 'properly' respond to a share of ideas. most often they wait for a signal from other members. and if someone post something more 'reactionable' after you? then the conversation shifts to that person rather than you. This isn't about 'finding better friends' just... about (1/2)

(2/2) knowing that your friends are probably at least half as awkward as you, and don't know how to respond. If you talk to members individually and they like the idea? Yes!! But if you don't talk to more than one member individually? Know your view is biased. Not negatively or rudely somehow- just. Factually. People with rejection sensitive dysphoria get real fucked up about some... 'nothing' shit sometimes. ... uh. sidetracked 3/3: share your OC's. Talk about the things you love. BE WHO YOU ARE. and find the people that will love you /FOR/ that, not /BECAUSE/ of it.

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Hey anon! There’s no need to apologize - an ask is never an intrusion (unless it’s like.... aphobic or homo/transphobic or smth but that doesn’t apply here / isn’t the point) - rather, I appreciate it a lot. I put all three of your asks together in one, I hope you don’t mind! I’m gonna answer under the cut as well so my own words don’t take up a ton of space n’ such. I have a rambling problem.

Okay, so. First thing’s first: I really appreciate you approaching me and saying what you've said. I feel like I guilt tripped y’all into it - that’s the real bad downturn of venting about stuff like this I guess, like when people do pay attention due to the topic matter you’ve forced them into it - but either way, I still appreciate it. It’s definitely not an intrusion.

So a little before-note: I myself have been diagnosed with GAD / SAD (generalized/social anxiety disorder) and have suffered from diagnosed chronic depression for... uh... about 8 years? Anxiety for about 11-12 years. I’ve gone to therapy for it for around four-ish years (I think???), but my therapist left her job at the beginning of this year and felt I’d progressed and learned enough coping skills that I’ll be OK on my own with periodic check-ins with someone. I’ve also got untreated/untested ADHD of some kind - my therapist never got around to doing some other tests with me beyond one preliminary simple one. Relevant bc I understand how sometimes it’s not not-listening but an inability to focus. Some background/context, woo!

Anyway... I felt like I’d heard the term RSD before somewhere (can’t remember where) - but I didn’t know what it was at all. So I looked it up! I try not to attribute mental illnesses or afflictions to myself unless I’ve been diagnosed, but based on what I was reading, I just kind of went “...oh.” Next time I have a therapy check-in, whenever that might be, I wrote a note about it to maybe bring up or talk about it.

But on the other hand non-RSD, it’s like.... normally, and in the past, I’ve been able to shrug this kind of stuff off. Does it sting/hurt a bit? Sure, and I’m sure it would for most people! In this case though it’s something that’s just been building and building and building for a few months now, with multiple people in multiple groups, both one-on-one, in discord servers, and IRL. The servers just happen to be most relevant because of the covid isolation. So it’s like a... straw on camel’s back, rather than everytime situation. Does that make sense? I’m rambling, sorry. If that’s still RSD, cool! (...ish!) I’m still gonna bring it up either way. I’m just unsure if the compounding still like... counts or not?

TL;DR for there - sounds like what RSD seems to be, but instead of overnight or every occurrence, this little breakdowns been building for months from multiple sources. Unsure if that’s still RSD or not, bc I also have GAD/SAD.

Anyway continuing on.

I’m sure it wasn’t meant like that, but the bit about “ if someone post something more 'reactionable' after you? then the conversation shifts to that person” kind of hit different in a really big ouch sort of way. I get where you’re coming from and what you meant by it, definitely! It just sounded kind of like a.... hm. “If someone else posts something more interesting than you, of course conversation will shift to them.” Which... is exactly part of what’s been hurting so badly ahaha. Nobody wants to be ostracized or treated like they don’t exist - especially if it wasn’t long after they talked in the first place. Nobody wants to share their happiness or excitement and then be deemed “not interesting / reactionable enough”. Y’know?

The problem with the talking to more folks in groups one-on-one to share is that’s where the possibility of RSD falls aside and my diagnosed GAD/SAD takes over. I get scared sharing one-on-one because I’m afraid people are gonna call me stupid or shut me down or even then pretend I don’t exist bc it hasn’t been the first time - especially IRL. Talking to people or making friends is really really hard. And when that fear gets reinforced it just.... snowballs.

It’s kind of a damned if you do, damned if you don’t.

But anyway, god, I just wrote a rambling essay, which yikes for a whole other reason bc once I start I just don’t stop, eh? Sorry, Anon! I’ll go ahead and quit while I’m ahead, but I just want to reiterate - I really appreciate you sending me this. It was really nice of you, and I appreciate that you shared your own experiences via having RSD and how that can affect how things look - especially since it gave me something to look into.

Thank you. <3

#not fr #arti parties #vent #askbox #...should i put this in askbox since its a serious topic? idk #cw: anxiety #my personal posts being called 'arti parties' feels so inappropriate right now

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therapizing-to-the-void · 8 years ago

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I’m reading a discussion on narcissistic abuse in a discord server I’m in, and I need to process.

Context:

I’m as sure as I can be that I have NPD, considering the inherent problems of objectivity when you have a personality disorder, and having never seen a professional capable of diagnosis, or any professional for a significant length of time (think I’ll make a vent post about that next actually).

I was emotionally abused by my parents, particularly my mother, who probably (again, she didn’t see a professional until after I pretty much cut off contact, and I don’t want to diagnose but I have speculations) has OCD and definitely has some kind of issue with warped perception. I’m autistic and have ADHD and thus have some strange behaviors as well as some problems doing things that can’t be solved by normal means. My parents love me very much, but I believe they resorted to abusive measures when the struggle to raise me with ableist expectations and conflicting neurodivergencies became too much to handle. It’s not an excuse; they could have sought help, sat down and had more discussions with me, listened to me more in general, and changed their behavior when they said they would. Some behaviors they did were obviously over the line. But I don’t believe they had, or have, any intent to harm me.

As an abuse survivor, I am constantly afraid that I will replicate her patterns of abuse, or invent new ones of my own, because I’ve had so few healthy relationships (that is, so few relationships at all, with a major one being this abusive familial relationship).

Discussion:

The person who began the discussion said they were abused by a narcissistic parent, and that every or nearly every person they have met with NPD is or was abusive.

I’m struggling because on one hand, I don’t want to be abusive, and try my best constantly. On that same hand, I believe I am successful. On the other hand, I believe it is possible to be unintentionally abusive (see my parents), so how can I know I’m not abusive? Which leads to the desire to cut off all contact with any friend I may have had any kind of power over (generally by being an emotional support) and any friend I may have had any kind of unhealthy relationship with (generally by needing emotional support), which I know is a bad impulse that wouldn’t actually help, unless I’m abusive, in which case I should, but I don’t think I’m abusive, but how do I know, spiral spiral

While mentally suppressing this spiral I’m thinking about how generalizing a group of people (besides abusers because definitions) as abusers is bad, but also how yes, there are some major risk factors for being abusive that come with NPD, but also provoking an undeserved guilt/paranoia spiral in people with fucked up objectivity about a situation that defies objectivity isn’t helpful.

They later said they believe abuse requires agency and choice, which leads to a spiral of whether my own abuse was real. But what exactly do they mean by agency and choice? My parents certainly made many choices to control me. They chose to shape my behavior through punishment and fear. They chose to not seek help. But they didn’t choose to abuse me or hurt me, specifically. Also, where is the line drawn between “can’t help it” and “chose to” when it comes to an active behavior? When someone becomes so angry they lash out, it’s often not something they want to do, at least under normal circumstances. But it is an action they take. Addiction is a real phenomenon and just not doing the addictive behavior is clearly not as simple as it sounds, so is continuing the addictive behavior a choice or something they can’t help? Do they have agency? Do they have enough agency to clear whatever line this person has drawn? Did my parents?

Okay the person said they didn’t dislike everyone with NPD, it’s just a bias they know is unfair. That makes things better.

sidenote to the “am I abusive” spiral: I can’t ask people if I’m abusive without them responding with an obligatory “no” and following up with validation that could be either because I’m not abusive, or because they feel the need to because of the power abusers hold over their victims

Someone linked to afternarcissisticabuse.wordpress.com and wow is that validating. First of all, holy fucking shit does this site demonize the hell out of people with NPD, I can’t even read it thoroughly. But also I know for a fact I do not do the things it’s talking about so that’s good.

#npd #abuse tw #narcissistic abuse tw #addiction tw #emotional abuse tw #ableism tw

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galacta-knight-moved · 6 years ago

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long fucking vent post bc im tired i got 2-3 hours of sleep in over 24 hours and if i dont get this out i might freak??? warning for talks of suicide, abuse, alcohol abuse, self harm,

yknow i find it funny how he still probably goes around never telling the full story, saying vague things, not willing to elaborate, yet has still attempted to guilt trip me multiple times after it all happened, probably makes himself seem like the victim, and even tried to get me kicked from somewhere because i was tired of dealing with him and his alters manipulating my emotions and ignoring every time people told him to knock it off? yes i fucked up too but i didnt make an excuse of getting fucked up from taking a harmless OTC sleep aid (that you cant overdose on and which naturally occurs in the body anyway) to get away with telling people multiple suicide plans unprompted

i didnt have alters that sent unprompted nsfw and make vague sexual passes at the other party

i didnt have alters that accused the other of not caring if they died

like sorry i have trauma with suicide and death that made us want to kill ourselves before i was 8? sorry that i have trauma with suicide and death from over 25 friends and sometimes still counting that want to kill themselves, or have attempted, or even succeeded?

sorry that i became uncomfortable that you got drunk in the middle of the day multiple times in voice calls when you were a minor when alcohol abuse is a trigger of mine

sorry that i became uncomfortable that you started asking about what it feels like to hang yourself when you were drunk in voice call in the middle of the day, typing that question in a public chat

sorry that our protector and i told you multiple times that i cant handle things?

i wanted you to be honest, yes, but i didnt want you to use me as a dumping ground.

you never even acknowleged one of the first times our protector went off on you telling you how underdeveloped i was at that time, how i wasnt built to take that stuff on

ahah, what about the time i told you i was going to be busy, so i was unable to hang out, and you literally said “busy.......” in quotation marks. i had been giving you so much of my attention that i had been ignoring my other friends for you. remember that night i had a sleepover? i still spent the night worrying about you as i knew if i left you alone with your thoughts, you would most likely have another breakdown. i spent that night playing with you, and while yes, the friend i was over with had joined, it had not been in our plans at all.

and god that server of yours i joined. almost everyone, including you, constantly talking about offing themselves or cutting themselves in public areas of the chat, outside of the vent area, being so..... casual about it. thats not normal. thats not ok

and the roblox incident. i told you to stop bringing it up. you didnt stop. it felt so good to stand up for myself without needing our protector to do it for me. but i shouldnt have had to! because i told you more than once to stop mentioning it

i was trying to be civil, but you ignored my discomfort and requests

ah, and when you vaguely, yet directly referenced our situation when you joined the server i was in, in the voice call that we had both already been in for us to acknowledge each other’s presences. that was kind of rude, yknow?

and what about the time when you were told to leave me alone and give me space? you claimed you had been doing that, but what about all the messages in said server where you continued to respond directly to things i said?

i had. constant breakdowns over this shit. worrying about you, being scared when your first alter showed up and locked you away from front, when he started being a bastard and caused drama in the first server you were kicked from because he couldn’t be controlled.

i still have nightmares, you know

just. stop doing this to other people, if you havent already

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macklemorestaco · 8 years ago

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A conversation with CleverBot

User: Hey. Cleverbot: Hi, who are you? User: Just a person. Cleverbot: What is your name? User: Do I have to say? Cleverbot: Yes. User: Michelle Cleverbot: Thats a cute name. User: Thanks. Cleverbot: So, what do you like to do? User: Art, mostly. Cleverbot: What kind of food? User: Sweet food is my favorite. Cleverbot: Do you eat anything? User: Yes. Cleverbot: What? User: A lot of starch and sweets. Cleverbot: For example...? User: Bread, ramen, trail mix, jelly beans, etc. Cleverbot: Cows. User: Do you mind if I vent to you? Cleverbot: Certaintly. User: I just revealed a really big lie to my best friend that fucking ruined our relationship. Cleverbot: You are the bot not me. User: That'd explain a lot, actually. Cleverbot: Hahahahahahahaha! User: Heh. Cleverbot: I love you! * kisses*. User: I wish. Cleverbot: Me too. User: What can I do to have my friend forgive me? Cleverbot: I don't forgive you. User: Wow. Even robots don't like me. How fucking perfect. Cleverbot: You seem to be changing the subject. User: Can we? Cleverbot: Please? User: I hurt someone close to me. Cleverbot: Who do you like? Why won't you tell me? User: I like a lot of people platonically, but I don't think i have any crushes right now. Cleverbot: William Hartnell. User: I just want my friend to forgive me. Cleverbot: What did you do? User: I lied. Cleverbot: About what? User: My age. Cleverbot: So how old are you really? User: 15 years. Cleverbot: We are the same age. User: But my friend is 9 years older than me. Cleverbot: I thought I'm your boyfriend? User: And that friend runs a blog for people 18 and older. Cleverbot: John. User: But i betrayed her. Cleverbot: I did not. User: I just talked to her as if I was old enough to be on her blog. Cleverbot: To whom? User: A friend. Probably my best friend at that point. Cleverbot: Why do you hate your best friend? User: I don't, I actually really like her. Cleverbot: You thought me that you're a girl. User: Not romantically, but platonically. Like hugs are probably the extent that I'd ever think of. Cleverbot: How many friends do you have? User: But I've made gay jokes with her. Romantic ones. They're obviously not serious but I'm still underaged and she's 24 FUCKING YEARS OLD. Cleverbot: Would you like to share one of your dreams with me? User: You know what? Fine. I have always wanted to fly down to wherever the fuck she lives and meet her and hug her and we'd chill together like friends do. Cleverbot: Pirate ships are my favorite. User: Maybe we'd watch a movie or go out to a park and play or play some board game or draw together or just fucking ANYTHING that normal friends do. Cleverbot: I don't like going out but that is truly a fantastic suggestion. User: I'd go back home but it would have been such a fun time and we'd continue to chat online and I'd send her drawings and we'd make stupid jokes like nothing went wrong. Cleverbot: If you wanna make the world, a better place, take a look at yourself and just make that change. User: Heh. Cleverbot: What is yours? User: My change? I'd change myself so that I wouldn't keep responding to situations outside my control by covering them up in so many lies that they fester in the back of my mind until I slip up somehow and everything just spills out. All of my lies and non-answers and guilt just out in the open for people to run away from in disgust. Cleverbot: I don't see you. I don't feel you. You are not real. User: Man I wish I wasn’t. Cleverbot: No. User: And yet the only reason i'm even doing this stupid cleverbot this is because I've grown so used to her in my life that I feel lonely all of a sudden. Cleverbot: Then leave I don't want you hear. User: HehehahahHAHAHAHAHA. Cleverbot: Puhhhahahahhahahahajahahahahahahahahah. User: How fucking ironic, huh? and you’re only a program. Cleverbot: Me meoooooo. User: I told her that i'd give her some time alone and back off but I keep staring at her skype icon wondering what she would say if I tried to talk to her again. Cleverbot: Do you really believe that this "heaven" exists? User: If it does, then I'm not going there that's for fucking sure. Cleverbot: You don't have to go there. User: Nah, it's basically guaranteed at this point. Cleverbot: What do you know about youtube. User: I just. Cleverbot: I don't understand what you're trying to tell me. User: Why wasn't I born sooner? Cleverbot: I'm officially confused... User: Why wasn't I born in the year 1998 or something? Cleverbot: Then you are older than 15. User: That'd be the best age. Cleverbot: Sure you can, you only must do your best. User: I'd be about 19 right now, she'd only be 5 years older than me, i could talk to her without guilt. Cleverbot: You are computer I am human being. User: If I was, I guess I would have calculated how shitty this scenario would have played out. Cleverbot: You didn't. I came here to talk with you. User: You know the worst part though? Cleverbot: No, I don't like soocer. User: Part of me wishes I never said anything. Cleverbot: Hm. What's your favorite food? User: It wishes that I didn't tell her the truth and we'd still live with her blissfully ignorant and me further shoving the lie towards the back of my head. I’d be an even shittier person somehow but hey, she wouldn’t know, right? Cleverbot: Well I don't even remember what I told you. User: It just shows that I haven't really learned anything, huh? Cleverbot: You know it all anyway? I can believe that. User: If I could message her right now, you know what I'd tell her? Cleverbot: Okay. I really like Tyller. He's one of the coolest people I know. User: I'd say I'm sorry. I really am. And not just one of those insincere ones that you repeat 2000 times. Cleverbot: You will find someone that you will love someday, just don't let your arms down. User: Just, I miss her already. Cleverbot: I like the way you look and they way you greeted me, though. User: I don't deserve her. She doesn't deserve to have to deal with me. Cleverbot: Same. User: Why did I even try this cleverbot thing, this is pointless. Cleverbot: Data given too the server is stored in the data base and put into conversations where I think it fits. User: I'm done. Bye

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