#one because I am still fairly new but two no one is gonna pay me that much for a sweater

[half-orq]

I was putting this in the tags but I wanted to do a breakdown and it was getting long. i saw this post and decided to see what it would cost someone if i was selling the sweater I'm making rn for myself, bc i know how much time each but is taking me, or took me, and how much the yarn cost. 5 skeins of cascade heritage superwash at 11 bucks a pop at my local yarn store, plus a miniset that cost me 56 dollars (custom hand dyed --I could have done this bit much cheaper. I'm looking at making it again and the same amt of yarn that I'm looking at for that is probably only gonna cost me about 24 dollars. But that's not what I used, so that's not what this one is costing) ok cool, 111 for materials (i already owned the needles for knitting the purl strings for putting bits on hold, tapestry needle for weaving in ends, and I don't intend to block I don't think, so no more materials cost) then I live in connecticut, am married and we both work and have no kids --amt we would have to get paid each @ full time to make a living wage is about the same as minimum wage here (as in both of us need to work full time at minimum wage to survive as a pair), so 15 per hour. now, each sleeve is gonna take me about 6 hours, so that's 12 hours, then the initial body until I split for sleeves was about 8 hours and then it was about 4 hours for each of the flaps. so 16+12 is 28, then there are 8 colors of ends to weave in, plus the ends at the sleeves and the collar, so I'm gonna say about 29 hours of knitting for this sweater. 435 dollars if i'm asking for NO MORE THAN MINIMUM WAGE, plus the 111 for materials is 546 dollars baseline for my hand-knit sweater. (If we account for cheaper colors for my stripes, it's still 514 dollars --the base color I used is already fairly inexpensive yarn) To be abundantly clear, this is an easy, beginner level sweater. I'm not making anything complicated. It's a sweater entirely in k1p1 with dropped shoulders and no shaping except at the neck in the front. The only decreasing I have to pay attention to is in the sleeves. If I had done something with any amount of stranded colorwork or any sort of shaping for a more fitted look, or lace work or cabling in my stitches where I had to pay attention to a chart could have added anywhere from another couple of hours to doubling the amount of time it would take, at a minimum. (not to mention the materials cost could change depending on what size I'm making the sweater)

still thinking about the brainrot that fast fashion has caused in people, like i made this pair of pants that are black and white with a cool flowery design, and an acquaintance saw them and said "wow i'd pay like 20 dollars for you to make me a pair" and i could barely think with how utterly horrified i was at that; i told them that 20 dollars wouldn't even cover the materials, let alone the hours of work that went into cutting, sewing, ironing, hemming, altering, etc. they just had this look on their face when i told them that, when i said i wouldn't make them a pair for even 100 dollars because that was still way too low of an amount, a look that said "you're crazy for thinking that those cost 100 dollars" and maybe i am crazy but holy shit, 20 dollars for a pair of handmade, durable, lined pants fitted specifically to your measurements? 20 dollars for upwards of 60 hours of work? 20 dollars for several yards of high-quality fabric, thread, and buttons? 20 dollars???

[shurisasthmaticgf]

the curls are curling: lando norris x black social media influencer fem! reader

summary: the secret behind why his curls have been consistently looking perfect is revealed.

authors note: i am still very new to formula one so please don't jump me if there is some slight inaccuracies. i did my best to look things up if i wasn't sure about them. this fic isn't based off of any grand prix in particular either. also, this is a work of fiction meaning it's not REAL so please remember that as well! constructive feedback is heavily encouraged and very appreciated 🫶🏽

heat pooled through the open windows of the house as you ran around to try and get yourself ready for the long day ahead. you woke up an hour ago to give yourself two hours to get ready because today was a race weekend. usually, you only needed about an hour to get you and your boyfriend out the door but today you'd gotten up earlier to film a vlog.

the whole social media influencer thing was still fairly new for you, only having started to consistently vlog and post a few months ago. before you'd started dating lando you were posting here and there about your day to day as a university student and intern for a large company in the city. every so often one of your videos got a couple hundred thousand views but you didn't really mind that your other content only got a few likes...that was just how tiktok's algorithm worked.

once you graduated from university and your internship ended you didn't have much to vlog about until you decided to film a race weekend and post it. what you didn't expect was the video to get millions of views and likes overnight. a massive influx of fans followed but you didn't really pay too much mind to the number, this was just something you liked to do and people also liked to watch. with time you ended up opening a youtube channel where you posted longer vlogs and other videos, and tiktok became a place where you posted 1-3 minute clips of your longer videos. one thing you never really did was center your entire vlog around your boyfriend. sure, lando was the entire reason you ended up at races but you were also your own person...that and lando was oddly camera shy when it came to your vlogs so he often wanted you to edit him out if he happened to end up in the frame.

which is how you ended up in your bedroom with your tripod pointed the camera directly at you. you smiled widely, hoping that it masked the fact that you were nearly half asleep, "good morning everyone! it's race day and i'm gonna be taking you along with me. everyone's been asking for a longer race day vlog so i'm here to give you all what you want. first lets get into the fit- these pajamas were sent to me from Brooks Avenue, if you like them you can use the code Y/N for a little discount on your purchase!" you backed up to show off your pink and green pajamas that would have definitely cost an arm an a leg if they hadn't come in a PR package. the matching pink and green satin bonnet on your head slowly slipped down your forehead leaving you to push it back up with an annoyed huff. you explained to the camera once more, "okay and first i'm gonna brush my teeth then do my skincare routine...he's in the shower right now so the lens might get fogged up, sorry in advance." you knocked on the bathroom door to let your boyfriend know you were coming in before pulling your skincare products out of your travel bag. quickly you brushed your teeth with until you felt like you'd gotten rid of every trace of morning breath.

just as you finished your skincare routine, the shower turned off and you slipped out of the bathroom. while lando finished in the bathroom you sat back down at the vanity and situated the camera back in front of you. slowly you slipped the bonnet from your head and untied the silk scarf under it, letting the large twists in your hair fall against your shoulders. to the camera you explained, "it's gonna be really hot today so i'm just gonna pull the twists back with a ribbon and call it a day i think." you pulled a jar of edge control and a brush from your bag and began styling your baby hairs, effortlessly into swirls and swoops. a laugh fell past your lips as you admitted, "honestly the only reason i still do this is so my forehead looks slightly less...megamind-esque in pictures." when you finished you tied another scarf messily around your hairline and began gathering your twists into a ponytail to secure it with a holder and ribbon.

the bathroom door opened and lando walked back into your room, fully dressed but his button down left wide open exposing his bare torso. in his hands he held a blow dryer and two bottles, one leave in conditioner and a gel you'd bought for him a few weeks ago. you finished tying the bow around your ponytail then took the two bottles from him and plugged the blow dryer into the wall. a hand gently pulled on your hand and you looked up to see sleepy smile grace his lips, "good morning, beautiful." you drew closer to him, wrapping your arms around his neck and letting him pull you in by the waist. his head nuzzled into your shoulder as your hand found the back of his head, stroking his hair softly with your fingers you murmured, "hi baby." you could feel the shy smile he wore against your shoulder until you pulled away from him. you pulled a robe from the back of the door and told him, "put this on." he knew most of the reason was so he didn't stain his shirt with hair products but another part of it had to be the fact that his shirt was wide open.

lando sat in front of the camera and you laughed at how awkward he looked compared to normal. you prompted, "baby, say hi to everyone. they ask for you all the time." he stiffly waved a hand in front of the camera and you sighed, "i don't know why you act so funny around my camera but everyone else it's fine." he mumbled a soft, "because it's you..." but only the mic on the camera caught it. he sat on the bench in front of you and slightly leaned back into your body before letting his eyes flutter shut.

meanwhile you showed the leave in conditioner to the camera, "this is the kinky curly knot today leave in-" despite his eyes being shut lando let out a small laugh and you asked, "what?" he mumbled cheekily, "kinky." you let out a exasperated sigh, "oh god you're like a child...anyways i was saying, i put a little of this in his hair but not too much just a tiny amount to add moisture." squeezing the leave in conditioner into your palm then applying it to his hair you hummed along to a sza song that ran through your head. the gentle work of your fingers running along his scalp nearly lulled lando back to sleep. you worked through his hair with a practiced ease, adding product and coaxing the curls atop his head to take perfect shape. not wanting to disturb his peace, you silently showed the matching brand's curling custard and then applied that lightly to his hair. once you'd finished you turned on the blow dryer, accidentally jump scaring your boyfriend under you. a soft melodic laugh fell past your lips and one hand fell to his shoulder before you leant down and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek, "my bad babe." the camera didn't miss the way he leaned into your touch, pushing his cheek closer to you with his shoulders dropping further in relaxation.

not even half an hour later you were done and the light brown curls on his head were perfectly defined. you wiped your hands on the hand towel you'd slung over your shoulder earlier and laughed when you realized your boyfriend literally fell asleep. you gently cupped under his chin and pressed another kiss to his cheek. just above a whisper you mumbled, "all done, bubs. " he opened his eyes and smiled while you mused, “my pretty boy.” his cheeks flushed slightly, “thank you” and you brushed a few curls into place before looking at his reflection, "of course." he stood up and pulled you out of the frame to gave you a quick kiss before going downstairs where you'd meet him when you finished getting dressed.

the white and navy blue floral sundress you wore was both nice and simple enough to wear for today. simple gold jewelry and a pair of white sandals finished off your look and you grabbed the camera to show your reflection in the full length mirror on the wall, "all dressed so i'm gonna go meet lando downstairs and i'll see you all a little bit later!" you stopped recording and went downstairs to find your boyfriend sitting and ready to go, his cheeks burning pink when he laid eyes on you. a subtle fluttering erupted in your stomach at the familiar gaze, the one that made you feel like the only girl in the world.

*extra*

you scrolled through your social media accounts, something you never really did if you didn't have to. the first thing that came to your attention was the flood of pictures and comments that were about your boyfriend's hair. for the past few races you'd been doing his hair and more and more fans were noticing it looked better than normal. honestly, you found it amusing that people were bringing it up and so much at that, so you decided to add to the conversation just a bit:

fans reactions to recent vlog upload:

[kozachenko]

[Click image for better quality]

I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO FUCKING MAKE THE IMAGE SMALLER FOR POSTING ON TUMBLR WITHOUT SACRIFICING THE ACTUAL QUALITY OF THE IMAGE OH MY GOD

Ok so, what I did is go into the clip studio paint file, make a new file, copy and paste the group in the original file, merge everything, get rid of the extra stuff outside of the canvas, and then make the flattened image smaller and crop the canvas. Once you have that, export it and you're done. This helps maintain the actual quality of the image and also helps shrink the file size down to something actually postable (if anyone has a better way of doing this please tell me)

[Edit]: Ok I guess posting something to Tumblr just naturally compresses the image a bit more somehow because I'm looking at it now and zooming in too much makes it a bit blurry so I'm still gonna have to futz around with image quality for future pieces oof

Artist's Note:

I'm so glad I figured out a way to do this because I like working on a big canvas so I can get as much detail in as I possibly can. Only problems are how laggy it gets while drawing lol.

I had an idea for a drawing with Reimu and Zanmu because I really like thinking about their potential dynamic a lot. I also wanted an excuse to draw Zanmu again but in my normal rendering style because last time I drew her she was in my more sketchy style with generally flat colours so I wanted to draw her again. Speaking of, looking at the sketch for this is a jumpscare that I never enjoy seeing, like, man am I glad I didn't use those for my final piece.

Also about her spear. I was originally gonna make it like the ones she had in game, but it kinda threw off the whole piece. It was too big, too blue, and too flat, so I just went "fuck it" and gave her a different one instead. My headcanon justifying this is that the ones she uses in game are for danmaku battles whereas in any other fight she just uses a proper yari, or she still uses the yari and just makes it all glowy to power it up, maybe both lol. I pulled as much inspiration as I could from Sengoku era spears, and even put in some blue into the decorative part of the spear and also added a little skull to pay tribute to the original spear. Also, in my research I saw some art of izanami and izanagi making japan and saw that the yari izanagi has had a little decorative tassley thingy on it so I took some inspo from that and just made it one of Zanmu's tassles (Idk when that art was from or if the spear was still accurate to Sengoku period Japan but hey, probably the same reasons Eirin puts little bow ties on her arrows, it's just for personalization purposes).

I love rendering hair and clothes so much omg, while I like the super curly hair Zanmu, the longer, wavier hair suits her better for this drawing (I imagine it only does that like how Ghibli characters hair moves when they feel angry lol). I love making Zanmu's hair all messy and crazy, as well as giving her grey hairs, this woman has aged like a fine wine. Also, if the hem on the ends of her sleeves, top of her shirt, and her pants look like gold to you, that's because it is! It's fairly light so she's not collapsing under the weight, but it's gold! (I don't care how impractical it is, it's just cool). Not the undershirt though, it's made of a gold fabric. I had a cute idea with Reimu's hair to make it have a red shine to it. I also changed up Reimu's outfit so it isn't just a blob of red. I like it a lot when Reimu's skirt and outfit is segmented into different layers, so I wanted to incorporate that.

I tried to draw their hands differently as well, but IDK how noticeable that is. Also, I am super happy with how the side profiles for the two of them turned out, I used to struggle a lot with how to make the side profile of a character actually look like the character, so I'm really happy that they actually look like themselves.

Also added in the tree and rocks in the background as an homage to Zanmu's character art in Touhou 19, just because I was getting kinda stumped on what to do with the background lol.

In terms of a story idea with Reimu and Zanmu, idk why but the potential plotline of Zanmu wanting to ascend to godhood is so fascinating to me. Like, it is very possible that if she just convinced everyone she was a god (which would be very easy for her to do), she would become one in a heartbeat. Also, if she were to become a god, with her ability to return stuff to nothing, could she hypothetically get similar abilities to (Jojo Part 5 spoiler btw) GER? Like, idk about the death timeloop stuff, but the concept has been haunting me every night as I have been trying to find loopholes in GER's ability for a while now ( for no reason in particular). Back to the main topic, I imagine that she would probably tell Reimu that if she were to become a god she would take over the Hakurei shrine since the god there might as well be dead, and Reimu just says to her, "Over my dead body bitch." Like, I have no idea how to summarize their dynamic but like, it's the type of hero-villain dynamic where the phrase "We're not so different, you and I" would definitely be a phrase said during a fight. I think that if another IN style game were to release, Reimu and Zanmu would be in a team together. They could also have an interesting mentor and pupil kind of dynamic. Can you tell that Zanmu has been charging my mind rent these part few months? Like, instead of living in my head rent free, she kinda just uno reversed the whole situation and now she's the one charging me rent. What happens if I get evicted from my own brain? Actually, scratch that, I don't think I wanna know.

[k1ngdom-of-thieves]

Is it ok if I request something because i really like your blog? May I request Neige, Riddle, Idia and Silver with a reader who is very touch-starved . Like they get super flustered when they recieve physical affection but they like recieving it??

Of course! Thank you for supporting me :)

Neige, Riddle, Idia and Silver + touch starved! Reader

Neige LeBlanche

Neige is a really lovey-dovey guy, so you might’ve been hugged before you even started dating. Because of that, Neige thought that you didn’t like hugs or maybe just his touch.

You’re gonna have to tell him that it’s not that you don’t like him, you’re just not used to being touched.

He immediately relaxes and tries to get you more comfortable with touch. (With consent, of course). Usually he just holds your hand while walking together or rests his head on your shoulder when studying.

Always asks before touching you in any way. He loves you so much and the last thing he’d want to do is make you nervous or uncomfortable.

“Is it alright if I kissed you? I didn’t want to catch you off-guard before I did it.”

Riddle Rosehearts

Riddle, for one, is also really touched starved. He rarely got hugs from his parents and… well, you know how the friends thing ended up.

So going into a relationship is a learning curve for the both of you. To the point that it might even take weeks before you guys hold hands.

When the two of you touch, it’s always when the two of you are alone. He’d pass out on the spot if you did anything in public.

Cuddles with him are still the sweetest thing though. He always has one hand holding yours as your legs are tangled together in a lovely mess.

“Am I doing this right? Or would you like me to put my arm somewhere else?”

Idia Shroud

Do you really think that he’s ever been touched without passing out. Idia is another one who hasn’t had much experience with physical touch, outside of his robot brother that is.

Will NEVER admit it, but he really likes it when the two of you have late-night binge watching dates. At least then, he can practice holding you without worrying about his dorm members needing him or Ortho popping out of the blue.

Please tell this poor guy that you’re also not used to being touched. If not, he’s 100% gonna think that he did something wrong and you’re gonna have a sulking blue giant on your hands.

He’ll recover from his pouting fairly quickly after that but you’re definitely gonna have to pay the poor guy back for scaring the shit out of him. Nothing too major of course, just something like spending a little more time with him than normal.

“(Y/N)! A new episode of Electricsaw Man came out today! Do you want to come over by my dorm to watch it? Andmaybecuddlewhenweseethebloodyparts?”

Silver

Silver isn’t really big on physical touch himself. It’s not like he’s averse to it, he just feels like his love could be better shown in his actions and words.

There will be many times where he accidentally falls asleep and uses your shoulder as a pillow. If he feels you tense up, he immediately wakes up and apologizes.

Will definitely try to get you more comfortable with physical touch if that’s what you want. Don’t be surprised when you feel his arms around your waist when the two of you are alone.

He’ll start to put his hand on the small of your back when in public, just to make sure he doesn’t lose you in a crowd. It’s a faint touch, so you wouldn’t get overwhelmed, but enough to remind you that he’s always got your back.

“Let me know if you’d like me to stop. I’d never want you to make yourself uncomfortable for my sake.”

[izicodes]

woah! just saw your bio change to software engineer. how did you transition? is it any different than web dev?

i also went on a TikTok rabbit hole and people are saying it’s useless to learn html/css and it’s not an actual language. honestly idk why I thought it would be easy to learn html > css > javascript > angular > react and somehow land a good paying job…

it’s gonna take YEARS for me to have a career, i feel old… especially with no degree

Hiya! 🩶

This is a long reply so I answered your question in sections below! But in the end, I hope this helps you! 🙆🏾‍♀️

🔮 "How did you transition?"

So, yeah my old job title was "Junior Web Developer" at a finance firm, and now my new title is "Frontend Software Engineer"! In terms of transition, I didn't make too much of a change.

After I quit my old job, I focused more on Frontend technologies that were relevant, so I focused on React.js and Node.js. I used YouTube, books, and Codeacademy. My first React project was >> this Froggie project <<~! Working on real-life projects such as the volunteering job I did (only for a month) where they used the technologies I was learning. So basically I did this:

decides to learn react and node 🤷🏾‍♀️

"oh wait let me find some volunteering job for developers where they use the tech I am learning so I can gain some real-life experience 🤔"

experienced developers in the team helped me with other technologies such as UI tools, and some testing experience 🙆🏾‍♀️

I did the volunteering work for both fun and learning with experienced developers and... I was bored and wanted to feel productive again... 😅

So for transitioning, I focused on learning the new technologies I wanted to work in and got some work experience (though it was volunteering) to back up if I can work in an environment with the tech. I still live with my family so I could do the volunteering job and have time to self-study whilst being okay financially (though I was tight with money haha) 😅👍🏾

🔮 "Is it any different than web dev?"

The old job was focused on using C# and SQL (including HTML, CSS, and JavaScript but fairly small) to make the websites, they were fairly basic websites for clients to use just to navigate their information needed. They weren't fancy cool web design because they didn't need to be, which was what made me bored of the job and wanted a change.

I am only a week into the job and have been working on small tickets (features for the site), but I think after a month or two into the job I will make a proper judgment on the difference~! So far, it's kind of the same thing I did in my old job but with new workflow tools, React-based projects, and funny people to work with 😅🙌🏾

🔮 "People are saying it’s useless to learn HTML/CSS and it’s not an actual language."

Yes HTML is a markup language and CSS is a stylesheet but they are the foundation of like 90% of the websites on the internet, I wouldn't ever call them "useless". Frameworks such as React, Django, Flask, etc still require HTML and CSS code to make the website's structure and styling. CSS frameworks like Tailwind and Bootstrap 5 still use CSS as their base/foundation. Not useless at all.

Don't focus on what other people are doing and focus on your own learning. I repeat this all the time on my blog. Just because one or a couple people online said one technology is useless doesn't mean it is (this is applied to most things in tech). Someone told me jQuery was entirely useless and no bother learning it - I did it anyway and it helped me better understand JavaScript. Anyhoo, try things YOURSELF before listening to what people say - make your own judgment. Not going to let a random Tech bro online whine about how annoying Python or C or whatever is to ruin my want to learn something. (This is all coming from a girl who loves web development very much's point of view :D)

🔮 "I thought it would be easy to learn html > css > javascript > angular > react and somehow land a good paying job"

Web Dev route, I love it! That's literally the same steps I would have taken if I had to start again~! For each new tech you learn, make a bunch of projects to 1) prove to yourself that you can apply what you've learned 2) experience 3) fill that portfolio~! 😎🙌🏾

With Angular and React, I would pick one or the other and focus on being really good at it before learning another framework!

I also recommend volunteering jobs, freelancing, helping a small business out with free/paid m

Lastly, you do not need a degree to get a job in Web Development. I mean look at me? My apprenticeship certificate is the same value as finishing school at 18, so in the UK it would be A-Levels, and I completed it at the ripe age of 21! I have no degree, I applied for university and got a place but I will give that space up for someone else, I'm not ready for university just yet! haha... (plus erm it's expensive at the end, what? even for the UK...). Sure, I used to avoid the job postings that were like "You need a computer science degree" but now if I were job searching I would apply regardless.

People switching careers in their 40s going into tech instead are making it, you can switch anytime in your lifetime if you have the means to! (everyone's situation is different I understand).

I'm not too good at giving advice but I hope in the rambling I made some sense? But yeah that's all! 😎

[acaplaya-musings]

Voiceplay-adjacent Visuals: Jack's Lament

Can you feel me practically vibrating out of my skin???

On one hand, I'm a little sad because this is the last video I'll probably be making a post about for a while (though by the time you see this, Geoff might have uploaded a new video that I can actually talk about the visuals for (EDIT from future me: he did!), and if so, you'll be seeing a post for that one tomorrow), but on the other hand, this is my third (though in no particular order/ranking) favourite Geoff video on his channel so far, and I am so excited to finally be able to make a post for it!

Geoff's cover of Jack's Lament debuted on the 8th of October, 2023, though I didn't see it pop up in my YouTube recommended until the 29th (if you remember from my Hellfire post, I wasn't initially subscribed to Geoff or Voiceplay, and both channels somehow ended up dropping off my radar for a while. Jack's Lament was the first from either channel that I had seen in at least a year, and as soon as I saw that thumbnail, I knew it was going to be amazing, but oh my GOD it was even better (and with me stumbling upon Hellfire the very next day, well let's just say I was pulled even deeper down the Geoff/Voiceplay rabbithole than I had been the first time around 😅).

Anyway, I'm not sure if I'll hit image limit on this one, or how much actual commentary I may have, but regardless, let's freaking go!

One hell of an opening shot, not gonna lie. Geoff's very-skeletal-looking hands playing the piano (in a beautiful way, might I add), immediately sets a very spooky/eerie vibe!

And this is one hell of an establishing shot! I mean goddamn there is a lot to take in here! Though one thing I will point out (that I actually only just noticed myself ^^;) is the Haunted Mansion headstone on the left, memorialising Madame Leota!

(Also shoutout to Pattycake Production Studios where this was filmed!)

I of course have to give a MASSIVE shoutout and kudos to Rick Underwood for the makeup job in this one, like holy christ he really outdid himself here! (and I can't thank him enough)

Ngl, if I don't come up with any other ideas between now and October, then I kinda wanna dress as "Jack Skellington Geoff" (Geoff Caskellington? 🤔), makeup and all (or just attempt the face makeup at least)

And seriously take a look at his hands! If it weren't for the super-high-definition closeup of his hands on the piano at the start, you'd be forgiven for thinking those are just really well-fitting gloves, but nope! An amazing airbrush job from Mr Underwood!

Also, if you look at his neck and chest in both this image and the previous one, you'll notice that he's got airbrushing going on there too, highlighting (or more accurately, shading) his ribs and other bones!

Finally, on the subject of the body paint job, if you've been paying attention to some of my other Geoff posts (and some of my Voiceplay posts), you might notice what's missing...

No necklace, and no rings! Had to remove them for costume/makeup/character purposes, rip. Must have felt a bit weird without them, but all that paint must have felt weird too, so maybe the weird feelings cancelled each other out? 😅

(His acting in this is of course 10/10 👌)

This video is one that I do actually know involved Geoff deliberately colouring his hair to make it grey, and it still looks as lovely as ever!

(Also this picture is a better one to check out the airbrushed detailing on his chest! (if you're gonna leave a couple of shirt buttons undone and your chest exposed, might as well take advantage of it! 😁))

The "moon" in this video is apparently just some big spotlight with a moon cover on it or something? Apparently you can fairly easily find them online or something, and you can in fact see the pole it's attached to underneath in this image here, but you likely wouldn't notice the pole if you weren't looking for it, and the usage of the moon is 100% perfect! (I've seen/heard one or two people wishing the moon was yellow like in the movie, but eh, it probably wouldn't have fitted the overall colour scheme of the video as much)

I had to include the "jumpscare" of course I had to! 😁

Also I can't get any good screencaps of it, but the way Geoff shifts from sombre on "a longing that I've never known," to more theatric/dramatic on "I'm a master of fright, and a demon of light" is so good, and the acting/choreography is absolute chefs kiss

"Bonjour!"

(For those of you not familiar with the original, the line "and I'm know throughout England and France" is part of the original song, but the "bonjour!" bit is not 😆)

A Geoff head not connected to the body! It's happened again! 😂

Also it's cool the way Geoff is quickly jumping/flashing from one point to another, reminds me of his Headless Horseman video

"No animal, nor man, can SCREAM like I can!"

What can I say, it's a very cool effect! Really ups the "oomph" factor of the little belt moment!

Tiny pumpkins/jack-o-lanterns in his eyes!!

"But who here, would ever understand..."

(I'm not even at half the maximum image limit yet, so I'm 100% just throwing in an extra screencap (or two) just because 😁)

Geoff pats the side of his leg to call for Zero the ghost dog, just in in the scene in the movie! (Also shoutout to Kathy, who I believe helped with puppeteering for this bit?)

"...that the pumpkin king, with the skeleton grin,"

(Freaking obsessed with this video, I tell ya!)

"The fame and praise, come year after year, does nothing for these empty tears"

This is the last shot before we see the gramophone logo (a very gorgeous shot btw), but there's a little bit of a bonus bit for those who stick around for the Patron credits!!

It starts to snow! Like at the end of the movie! It's a sign of hope and good things to come! <3

The original song is good for the movie, sure, but Geoff's cover feels like it has so much more depth (in more ways than one!) and emotion! And his vocal range is ugh god absolutely stunning and mindblowing! I cannot get enough, can never get enough!

But anyway, I hope you've been enjoying my Voiceplay/Voiceplay-adjacent posts! If there are any videos I've skipped over that you actually would like me to make a post on, please let me know! (And don't worry, I am planning to do all the 2017-onwards Christmas videos for both channels eventually - maybe as a Christmas In July thing?) I'm typing this on the 22nd of February, and if Voiceplay uploads a video in March that I wanna make a post on (nope), well you reading this will have already seen that post, and if Geoff uploads something in March that I wanna talk about (he did), then you'll see that post tomorrow (you will!). But otherwise, thanks for reading!

[khaire-traveler]

Ok, I will try not to talk too much about this on here, since this blog isn't really about this type of content, but I need to nerd out to someone, none of my friends are into this, and this is my main blog, so here we go:

***BALDUR'S GATE 3 SPOILERS AHEAD; READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION***

This is mostly just me needing out and gushing, though, lol.

Ok, ok, so for the past five days, I have been fucking binge playing this game. I literally spent the first day I got it sitting around for, like, seven hours (don't be me, and make sure to get up for breaks if you're gonna do the same thing). I was - and still am - absolutely hooked.

I LOVE this game!!! It's the first DnD based game I've played, especially of this quality (even though my laptop runs it like shit and the lag is killer ☠️). I'm playing on Explorer, so it's been fairly easy and very story-focused. I find the lore so intriguing, and I'm so interested in seeing where the story goes! I haven't seen anything past the camp party after saving Halsin, though, so no spoilers please. 🙏

So, I started off with one playthrough, but I came in with the knowledge that you are able to romance the characters and such. I REALLY wanted to romance Astarion (as most people I see talking about the game lmfao), but my bitch ass just could not get his approval, no matter how hard I tried. It got to the point where he actually made fun of me after we saved Halsin and had the camp party. 😭 I honestly suspect he might've glitched out somehow, since I had read online that people have had similar issues with earning the trust and approval of companions. This definitely bummed me out, but I was still enjoying the game a lot.

Along with that, in my original playthrough, I literally forgot to seek out Lae'zel. I had planned on doing it, but I just didn't know where to go, and by the time I had met Gale, I honestly forgot about finding her because I had to get offline at that point. 💀 I felt really bad about it, and I only went to go look for her after saving Halsin because I was reminded of her, and she had already broken out of the cage and killed the two tieflings who trapped her. I felt so bad that I just left her there on her own all that time. ☠️

After realizing that I wouldn't be able to recruit her until a bit later, I just decided to restart my playthrough on different save files. I figured I'd also at least get a proper chance with Astarion as well (love him so much; he is my meow meow 💕), and all while still playing as the character I took quite literally two hours to make (I was very indecisive about them lol).

So far, the new playthrough has been going very well, and I'm actually pretty happy that I restarted, since I had also apparently missed the scene of Astarion sharing his vampiric nature as well as some very key information from, and about, Lae'zel. I'm only about seven hours in right now, but I feel like I've somehow gotten more done in this playthrough than I did in my original which had something like fifteen hours. I've explored places I didn't even realize existed, picked up a ridiculous amount of loot, and even acquired all the companion characters that I know of in the First Act. It's been extremely successful! Not to mention things with Astarion are going very well. 🥰

Anyway, I've been enjoying this game a lot! This is my first ever time playing it; I didn't have Early Access and hadn't even heard of it until my friend told me about it this past Sunday lol. I'm honestly really glad that I got this game, despite the price of it and the price I had to pay for a new storage drive for my laptop in order to run it. It was certainly lots of money spent, but it was definitely money well spent.

I feel like my perspective on the world around me has changed slightly from playing this game (in a positive way). I feel a lot more curious about things than before, and I'm more inclined to take spontaneous risks which has always been a struggle for me beforehand. I also kind of feel like I can talk to other people a lot easier as well, as strange as that sounds. I play a Bard in the game, so my character has high charisma and stops to talk to other characters a lot, and I'm not really sure why, but seeing my character interact so easily with others has kind of inspired me in a way and helped to make social situations a lot more comfortable for me (I have social anxiety, so talking to people has always been pretty tough). As unusual as it may sound, this game has already changed me in such positive ways as a person, and I can't wait to see what other lessons it may have to teach. ☺️

All of that said, I couldn't recommend Baldur's Gate 3 more! It's genuinely one of those games that I think anyone can pretty much enjoy, and I also appreciate how inclusive it is with gender stuff and queer relationships. The other characters even refer to me with the correct pronouns, despite me never needing to enter my pronouns in! It's a very impressive game, and the graphics are absolutely gorgeous (especially when your laptop isn't absolute shit like mine lmao). Frankly, it's just great!

Of course, being so new, it does have its problems. I've personally experienced lots of lag issues - dialogue and animations won't be in sync, characters taking a long time to go from one location to another, environments not loading in very quickly, etc. I've also had the game crash on me a few times, but I honestly believe it's more related to my laptop than it is to the game, and for the most part, it hasn't caused me too much grief.

Despite its flaws, I personally believe this game is very much worth a play. It's loads of fun, and the characters are pretty charming and entertaining. The storyline is interesting with lots of twists and turns, and if you ever get bored of the mainline quest, there are literally endless sidequests for you to enjoy. Exploration is highly encouraged, and as you explore the realm, your map actually reveals the locations you've been to. Fast travel is also a super great feature, although there are some locations I wish that were on there that aren't, sadly.

Ok, I've...talked a lot, so I'm going to stop now. 😂 Thank you to anyone who actually read all this, and I hope you have fun playing or watching someone else play, if you plan on doing either! Take care. 🧡🪽

[arickaandherfictionalothers]

Aricka Munson: the time she gained a little sister

If you asked her, Aricka would tell you she’d always wanted a little sister. Someone she could take shopping and do their hair and watch girly movies with and dance in their room to Cyndi Lauper and Madonna until they couldn’t breathe cause they were laughing too hard. Someone she could do their nails on and take them to pierce their ears and do all these things she saw Nancy Wheeler do with her little sister Holly.

Well. When she was 10, a new family moved to Hawkins, and she befriended both of the kids- a boy named Billy, who she stuck with like glue, and his little stepsister, Max.

Max was a fierce little thing, with her fiery red hair and blue eyes. She didn’t take nonsense from anyone, and she would willingly put you in your place if she thought you were out of line. She loved to skateboard, and her favorite thing to do was play games at the arcade.

The longer Aricka spent time with Billy, the more curious Max was about her. The closer Aricka and Billy got, the closer Max was to actually speaking to her.

And then finally, it got to this point. Aricka was taking Max to the grand opening of the Starcourt Mall to go shopping for new clothes.

Let the sisterly bonding begin…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aricka found a parking spot fairly close to the entrance to the mall, and Max hopped out first. “Let’s go-!” She runs around to Aricka’s side and grabs her hand- another new development in their relationship. Billy and Max were slowly adjusting to Aricka’s love of physical touch as affection.

Aricka grinned and grabbed her little backpack-purse before taking Max’s hand and heading into the mall.

It was brightly colored with subtle lighting, which was good because bright lights made Aricka’s head ache. Shops called their attention in all directions, but one in particular caught Max’s - Claire’s, and a bright sign announcing ear piercings. She looks up at Aricka with her wide blue eyes and Aricka already knows that she would be paying for an ear piercing session. “Please-?! I’ve always wanted to. My mom said I’m old enough now, but she never has time.”

“Max, breathe honey, of course I’ll take you,” Aricka says. “I need some new earrings too, it can be fun for both of us.”

Max grins and they head off in that direction.

“Hi!” They were greeted by an overly enthusiastic worker. “Welcome to Claire’s! We have a sale, buy two pairs of earrings get two free, are you interested?”

“We sure are; and my little sis wants her ears pierced,” Aricka says, her hands on Max’s shoulders. She feels the girl tense up then relax at Aricka’s claim of her being Aricka’s sister. “It’s her first time, she’s a little nervous.”

“Well come right on in, nothing to be nervous about!” The lady directed them to a chair. “You just want the one in each ear?” Max nods. “Here, pick out your first pair of earrings, these are our birthstone studs! They match your birth month.”

Max scanned the studs until she found two ruby studs- she was born in July. Aricka mentally noted the month and planned to ask Billy the day, so she could get her a birthday gift. Maybe some new earrings.

“Perfect choice! I’m gonna get everything prepared, you sit tight and wait right here.” Max sits down and looks at Aricka nervously.

“… it doesn’t hurt, does it?” The question was so vulnerable and so worried Aricka stepped closer and held out her hand, letting her grip as tightly as needed.

“A little. Just a pinch. Like getting a shot at the doctor. I’m gonna be right here beside you. If you get scared or worried you squeeze my hand as tightly as you need to be brave.”

“Promise? I’m not gonna be a baby for it-?”

Aricka shakes her head. “I still hold Arthur’s hand when I get vaccinated at the doctors- am I a baby?”

Max shakes her head. “No, Aricka, you’re awesome. Tough. I wish I was like you.”

Aricka blinks at this revelation. Processes momentarily. “Oh kiddo.” Max bites her lip.

“You don’t have to stick around for me and Billy but you do. You give us a place to go when it’s bad. I really like you. Please don’t go anywhere?”

Aricka can’t resist any more and wraps her arms around the fierce little redhead in front of her. Max shyly wraps her arms around Aricka’s middle, face pressed into her shoulder. “I always wanted a big sister. I’m glad it’s you,” she whispered.

Aricka laughs, admittedly a little wetly. “Ditto kiddo. I’ve always wanted a little sister. Glad it’s you, MadMax.”

The lady finally returns and Max let go of Aricka but gripped her hand once again. “Are we ready?” The attendant asks.

Max looks over at Aricka and nods. “I’m ready.”

~~~~~~~~

Billy met them at Scoops Ahoy, two work application forms in his hand. He waves at them and they quickly join him. “Wow; you’re sporting some new jewelry,” he says. “Nice, nice MadMax. Make sure you hide them until they heal.”

“Mom said I was old enough,” the girl says. “Aricka got them for me-! She’s pretty cool. Can she stick around?” Aricka blushes and shakes her head at Billy. The brown-blond boy merely grins.

“I hope she wants to stick around.” Finally it was their turn in line; and they all grinned as they noticed the person at the counter.

“Robin!” They exclaim. The girl grins and says,

“Ahoy there; welcome to Scoops; how can I help you?”

“Two scoops of Superman, cone please.” Aricka says.

“Strawberry, two scoops with chocolate chunks and a cherry on top, in a cone.”

“A scoop of mint flare and pineapple upside down, in a cup please,” Billy says. Aricka and Max playfully tease him for his choice.

“Ewww pineapple and mint?” Aricka says around a laugh.

“Billy-!” Max says with a giggle. He playfully bats back at them and pays for the ice cream, motioning for them to find a booth while he gets the ice cream. He hands the applications to Aricka along with a purple gel pen because he knew it was her favorite color. Max ducked under Aricka’s arm and Aricka squeezes her carefully.

Billy watched them go with a fond expression. Max had only been eight when they moved here, and a lot shyer than she was now. Aricka was a big help in bringing her out of her shell, with her genuine smile and her sincere interest in what Max liked to do. He walked over with the ice cream shortly, setting the tray in the middle so they could reach their desserts.

Aricka grins as she begins eating her frozen treat, watching Max gush about their day shopping together. “We’re not done yet kiddo,” she says. “Thought we could go to that skate shop together, the three of us, you could show us the whole thing.” Max’s eyes light up and she grins.

“I’d love to-!”

“Alright then,” Billy says as he takes a bite of ice cream- okay. So maybe he’d chosen a weirder flavor than he intended. But it still worked nicely together. “Let’s get this party started-!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@astralshipper @rosieshipper @hyperionshipping @yeehawselfshipping @letsgofoletsgo @tsundere-selfship @callsign-revenge

[invisiblegarters]

Hidden Agenda Ep 7

Word on the street (lol) is that this is actually going to be 12 eps, which I am thankful for because Only Friends is going to start bringing that promised messiness beginning next week (I hope) and I will need more time with a palate cleanser.

Oh don't get me wrong I'm going to love every second of OF, but also I know me and I know I am going to be very frustrated so it'll be good to have this cute tropefest to look forward to after the mess.

Would a promotion to win headphones get me? Yes it would, because I am one, cheap, and two, always up for a challenge. Also I like rollercoasters so it wouldn't be too much of a hardship for me. Unless I had to get on the swings. *shudders* We don't do the swings here.

Is this the same theme park they go to in every drama? It's just making me want to ride rollercoasters.

Lol there's always the one who can't handle them.

Ah, my old friend product placement. It's weird to miss you but there you go.

These rides are not that challenging! Boo. I was hoping the fourth one was a free fall ride - I love those and it would be hilarious to see the faces Joke would make - bet he would scream too - but alas.

Pfft Joke definitely has Zo's number. He totally liked that line.

Wait is that a wild Title? Yes, yes it is. Pfft, now that GMMTV has him in their stable they're just gonna put him in all the things, huh? Not complaining. Although he's again playing an ass, lol. Are we gonna typecast him already?

Aw, heartbreak at a theme park. I am sure that there are worse places to have that happen, but still. Yeesh.

I find it interesting that Zo's hesitance with Joke wasn't due to freaking out about these new bi feelings though. That's nifty.

Sometimes, I just love me an uncomplicated, cozy romance, and honestly I feel like these two deliver on that front. They did it in SIMM too.

I love how they're always alone in mazes like this. In reality it's a freaking crush, and there's always the two or three girls in front of you who scream at literally everything so they cast all jumps at them and you're just kind of behind them feeling a little bored and checking out the decorations. I still love 'em, though.

If he doesn't go for the photo cheek kiss...

Huh. Literally every other trope but not that one, show?

AOU AND BOOM! I almost forgot they were in this show. I want to care about this hiding plot. I do. But the problem is we get so little of them that I just...don't. I don't know if there was supposed to be more of them and then they cut it out or couldn't film it for whatever reason or what, but I just don't feel like I've been given enough to care. And that makes me sad because I was especially looking forward to Aou.

Okay so is grandma homophobic or just not impressed that Joke didn't tell her that Zo is his boyfriend? My guess is the former since the whole thing with Jeng but who knows, really. At this point it could swing either way, really. I would guess it's the latter because this show is fairly straightforward romance but! But. Sometimes the straightforward romances will hit you with that kind of serious thing out of nowhere.

Aw go Zo. I like his optimism.

HEH. Nope we're going simple. That is not a complaint. Grandma is fun. Also what do you mean you're not dating, Zo? You literally just went out on an amusement park date! There was a headphones winning montage and everything!

Yes you know what I agree. Competence is hot.

Hahaha okay I love Joke. Literally any chance to get his shirt off around Zo. And his pathetic attempts to clean himself like he's never done it before. Oh Joke you transparent fool.

Oh yes the academic scholarship. I forgot all about that too. Why is he so devastated? Does he think that he surely won't get the Finland trip if Nita is also competing for it?

Joke dude. Chill out he probably just passed out after studying all night. Good lord. You are embarrassing.

Pottery date!

I am Old but all this paying by QR code freaks me out.

Oh hey Title's back. I guess I knew that would happen.

Okay NO. No, it is not your place to go off on the asshole former friend, Joke. Come on. What he did was wrong but it's been ages and if Zo wants to know what happened then it's on him to find out, not you. I do not like his high handedness sometimes. He really really needs to quit it with that.

Yeah I'd have blocked him too. I am super petty and I have blocked people for less.

JOKE.

"You could have been honest without being cruel." No but for real. This should be printed on a card and distributed because I swear sometimes people just don't get that memo.

Oh just make out already.

Thank you.

Hahaha all right, point to Zo. That was a good one. And since it ain't OF, I'm pretty sure Joke's not gonna turn around and sleep with someone else lol. So you know, it's a win. :D :D

Look, I make fun but like I said, sometimes you just need something sweet and uncomplicated and fun. And i firmly believe that there's room for both this and stuff like OF or even Dangerous Romance. We can have gritty and realistic, mean and fraught, and sweet and simple! They can coexist. In the same weekend even!

[inkofamethyst]

July 24, 2023

Learning, learning, learning, learning, learning. Learning how to let go of things I can't control. Learning that not having control doesn't mean the thing will turn out badly. Learning, learning. Relinquishing, slowly.

I am the youngest of my cohort. Straight from undergrad. That doesn't necessarily bother me on its own (it means I'll have cool people to look up to and learn from!!), but I think one of the major disadvantages is that, as much as I try to hide it, I don't really have "real world experience." There are several lessons about creating personal boundaries and asserting myself in appropriate times and knowing when to just keep quiet and so many other soft skills like that which I'm still learning. Sure, I learned a lot in undergrad, but I also experienced a significant chunk of undergrad under the shadow of covid. Indoors, avoiding people. So I try to carry myself as an adult but when I make a mistake along the lines of those lessons it makes me feel like a child.

The trouble with moving, for me, is that I sometimes look for things that I hope I'll start to use in my "new life" which ultimately just leads to bloat. Maximalism is cool and all but only up to the point that everything has a real, unimagined purpose (even if that purpose is just decor; uplifting the spirit is a real and unimagined purpose (which is 1000% why I will be looking for fake plants to sit all around the place)). So for me, I've had the urge to look into a few makeup items and I'm also thinking about purses and shoes all of which I've generally been pretty minimal with for the past several years. And I mean it's not like I'm looking to go full beat-faced or whatever it's called, but maybe just some items to.. gently accentuate certain features. Like my eyes, or something. I dunno. I think I am In The Mood to Buy right now because, starting September, I'm going to have to start actively keeping track of my money. I know buying things before moving is generally a poor idea, but I'm just gonna handwave all that advice away. I'll be fine. I'll go back to being fairly frugal a month or so into paying my own bills, I'm sure of it.

As much as I'd love to live alone for a year or two or three down the line (an old friend from way way back is doing a PhD in a less expensive city and whatever her stipend is has netted her an incredible solo apartment), I don't know if that's going to be feasible to do in my city, even if I managed to save a little. It's not even like I need a ton of space or anything (nor do I want a dump shoebox), but living within a reasonable walking distance to the uni (which I'd like to do for the first two years, at least, to be close to classes) is not cheap. I'd have to move fairly far out to get a place within my budget. Maybe maybe maybe.

My Enterprise-D model should be here soon and I'm so anxious about it. Assuming it comes in good condition, it's going to look so good next to my globe. Since I probably can't drill holes in the apartment, I'm thinking about getting a desk hutch or a teeny shelving unit or a desk with attached shelves where I can display the globe and starship and fake plants next to some of the books I plan to have (mostly academic). I think I may try to thrift some bookends.

Saw Across the Spiderverse in theatres and man that was a good movie. The plot, the characters, the animation, the music, the ~cameo~, all fantastic. [edit: not just fantastic, but it felt like a breath of fresh air to the superhero genre, so comic-book-y, just lovely] I'm excited for the next one!!!

Today I'm thankful that this is the last week of this class. I calculated my hourly rate based on the amount of time I spend on this class and the flat rate stipend I get, and it's over $25 an hour!! Last winter I'm sure I spent more hours prepping, but now that I sort of know what I'm doing, it feels like a breeze in comparison.

[dankusner]

Ann Richards’ Democratic National Convention keynote

"Thank you. Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Buenas noches, mis amigos!

I am delighted to be here with you this evening, because after listening to George Bush all these years, I figured you needed to know what a real Texas accent sounds like.

Twelve years ago Barbara Jordan, another Texas woman, Barbara made the keynote address to this convention, and two women in 160 years is about par for the course.

But, if you give us a chance, we can perform.

After all, Ginger Rogers did everything that Fred Astaire did.

She just did it backwards and in high heels.

I want to announce to this nation that in a little more than 100 days, the Reagan-Meese-Deaver-Nofziger-Poindexter-North-Weinberger-Watt-Gorsuch-Lavell-Stockman-Haig-Bork-Noriega-George Bush will be over.

You know, tonight I feel a little like I did when I played basketball in the eighth grade.

I thought I looked real cute in my uniform, and then I heard a boy yell from the bleachers, "Make that basket, bird legs."

And my greatest fear is that same guy is somewhere out there in the audience tonight, and he's going to cut me down to size.

Because where I grew up there wasn't much tolerance for self-importance — people who put on airs.

I was born during the Depression in a little comunity just outside Waco, and I grew up listening to Franklin Roosevelt on the radio.

Well, it was back then that I came to understand the small truths and the hardships that bind neighbors together.

Those were real people with real problems.

And they had real dreams about getting out of the Depression.

I can remember summer nights when we'd put down what we called a Baptist pallet, and we listened to the grown-ups talk.

I can still hear the sound of the dominoes clicking on the marble slab my daddy had found for a tabletop.

I can still hear the laughter of the men telling jokes you weren't supposed to hear, talking about how big that old buck deer was, — laughing about mama putting Clorox in the well when a frog fell in.

They talked about war and Washington and what this country needed — they talked straight talk, and it came from people who were living their lives as best they could.

And that's what we're gonna do tonight — we're going to tell how the cow ate the cabbage.

I got a letter last week from a young mother in Lorena, Tex., and I want to read part of it to you.

She writes, "Our worries go from payday to payday, just like millions of others, and we have two fairly decent incomes. "But I worry how I'm going to pay the rising car insurance and food.

"I pray my kids don't have a growth spurt from August to December so I don't have to buy new jeans. "We buy clothes at the budget stores and we have them fray, stretch in the first wash.

"We ponder and try to figure out how we're going to pay for college, and braces and tennis shoes. "We don't take vacations and we don't go out to eat.

"Please don't think me ungrateful; we have jobs and a nice place to live, and we're healthy.

"We're the people you see every day in the grocery stores. "We obey the laws, we pay our taxes, we fly our flags on holidays.

"And we plod along, trying to make it better for ourselves and our children and our parents. "We aren't vocal anymore. "I think maybe we're too tired.

"I believe that people like us are forgotten in America."

Well, of course you believe you're forgotten, because you have been.

This Republican Administration treats us as if we were pieces of a puzzle that can't fit together. They've tried to put us into compartments and separate us from each other.

Their political theory is "divide and conquer."

They've suggested time and time again that what is of interest to one group of Americans is not of interest to anyone else. We've been isolated, we've lumped into that sad phraseology called "special interests."

They've told farmers that they were selfish, that they would drive up food prices if they asked the Government to intervene on behalf of the family farm, and we watched farms go on the auction block while we bought food from foreign countries.

Well, that's wrong.

They told working mothers it's all their fault that families are falling apart because they had to go to work to keep their kids in jeans, tennis shoes and college. And they're wrong.

They told American labor they were trying to ruin free enterprise by asking for 60 days' notice of plant closings, and that's wrong.

And they told the auto indusry, and the steel indusry, and the timber industry, and the oil industry, companies being threatened by foreign products flooding this country, that you're protectionist if you think the Government should enforce our trade laws. And that is wrong.

When they belittle us for demanding clean air and clean water, for trying to save the oceans and the ozone layer, that's wrong.

No wonder we feel isolated, and confused. We want answers, and their answer is that something is wrong with you.

Well, nothing's wrong with you — nothing wrong with you that you can't fix in November.

We've been told — we've been told that the interests of the South and Southwest are not the same interests as the North and the Northeast. They pit one group against the other. They've divided this country. And in our isolation we think government isn't going to help us, and we're alone in our feelings — we feel forgotten.

Well the fact is, we're not an isolated piece of their puzzle. We are one nation, we are the United States of America!

Now we Democrats believe that America is still the country of fair play, that we can come out of a small town or a poor neighborhood and have the same chance as anyone else, and it doesn't matter whether we are black or Hispanic, or disabled or women.

We believe that America is a country where small-business owners must succeed because they are the bedrock, backbone, of our economy.

We believe that our kids deserve good day care and public schools.

We believe our kids deserve public schools where students can learn and teachers can teach.

And we want to believe that our parents will have a good retirement — and that we will too.

We Democrats believe that Social Security is a pact that cannot be broken. We want to believe that we can live out our lives without the terrible fear that an illness is going to bankrupt us and our children.

We Democrats believe that America can overcome any problem, including the dreaded disease called AIDS. We believe that America is still a country where there is more to life than just a constant struggle for money. And we believe that America must have leaders who show us that our struggles amount to something and contribute to something larger, leaders who want us to be all that we can be.

We want leaders like Jesse Jackson.

Jesse Jackson is a leader and a teacher who can open our hearts and open our minds and stir our very souls. He's taught us that we are as good as our capacity for caring — caring about the drug problem, caring about crime, caring about education and caring about each other.

Now, in contrast, the greatest nation of the free world has had a leader for eight straight years that has pretended that he cannot hear our questions over the noise of the helicopter.

We know he doesn't want to answer. But we have a lot of questions. And when we get our questions asked, or there is a leak, or an investigation, the only answer we get is, "I don't know," or "I forgot."

But you wouldn't accept that answer from your children. I wouldn't. Don't tell me "you don't know" or "you forgot."

We're not going to have the America that we want until we elect leaders who are going to tell the truth — not most days, but every day.

Leaders who don't forget what they don't want to remember.

And for eight straight years George Bush hasn't displayed the slightest interest in anything we care about. And now that he's after a job that he can't get appointed to, he's like Columbus discovering America — he's found child care, he's found education.

Poor George, he can't help it — he was born with a silver foot in his mouth.

Well, no wonder — no wonder we can't figure it out — because the leadership of this nation is telling us one thing on TV and doing something entirely different.

They tell us — they tell us that they're fighting a war against terrorists. And then we find out that the White House is selling arms to the Ayatollah.

They tell us that they're fighting a war on drugs, and then people come on TV and testify that the C.I.A. and the D.E.A. and the F.B.I. knew they were flying drugs into America all along.

And they're negotiating with a dictator who is shoveling cocaine into this country like crazy.

I guess that's their Central American strategy.

Now they tell us that employment rates are great and that they're for equal opportunity, but we know it takes two paychecks to make ends meet today, when it used to take one, and the opportunity they're so proud of is low-wage, dead-end jobs.

And there is no major city in America where you cannot see homeless men sitting in parking lots holding signs that say, "I will work for food."

Now my friends, we really are at a crucial point in American history.

Under this Administration we have devoted our resources into making this country a military colossus, but we've let our economic lines of defense fall into disrepair.

The debt of this nation is greater than it has ever been in our history.

We fought a world war on less debt that the Republicans have built up in the last eight years.

It's kind of like that brother-in-law who drives a flashy new car but he's always borrowing money from you to make the payments.

But let's take what they are proudest of, that is their stand on defense. We Democrats are committed to a strong America. And, quite frankly, when our leaders say to us we need a new weapon system, our inclination is to say, "Well, they must be right."

But when we pay billions for planes that won't fly, billions for tanks that won't fire and billions for systems that won't work, that old dog won't hunt.

And you don't have to be from Waco to know that when the Pentagon makes crooks rich and doesn't make America strong, that it's a bum deal.

Now I'm going to tell you — I'm really glad that our young people missed the Depression and missed the great big war. But I do regret that they missed the leaders that I knew, leaders who told us when things were tough and that we'd have to sacrifice, and that these difficulties might last awhile.

They didn't tell us things were hard for us because we were different, or isolated, or special interests.

They brought us together and they gave us a sense of national purpose.

They gave us Social Security and they told us they were setting up a system where we could pay our own money in and when the time came for our retirement, we could take the money out.

People in rural areas were told that we deserved to have electric lights, and they were going to harness the energy that was necessary to give us electricity so that my grandmama didn't have to carry that coal oil lamp around.

And they told us that they were going to guarantee that when we put our money in the bank that the money was going to be there and it was going to be insured, they did not lie to us.

And I think that one of the saving graces of Democrats is that we are candid. We are straight talk. We tell people what we think.

And that tradition and those values live today in Michael Dukakis from Massachusetts.

Michael Dukakis knows that this country is on the edge of a great new era, that we're not afraid of change, that we're for thoughtful, truthful, strong leadership.

Behind his calm there's an impatience, to unify this country and to get on with the future.

His instincts are deeply American, they're tough and they're generous, and personally I have to tell you that I have never met a man who had a more remarkable sense of what is really important in life.

And then there's my friend and my teacher for many years, Senator Lloyd Bentsen.

And I couldn't be prouder, both as a Texan and as a Democrat, because Lloyd Bentsen understands America — from the barrios to the boardroom.

He knows how to bring us together, by regions, by economics, and by example. And he's already beaten George Bush once.

So when it comes right down to it, this election is a contest between those who are satisfied with what they have and those who know we can do better.

That's what this election is really all about.

It's about the American dream — those who want to keep it for the few, and those who know it must be nurtured and passed along.

I'm a grandmother now. And I have one nearly perfect granddaughter named Lily. And when I hold that grandbaby, I feel the continuity of life that unites us, that binds generation to generation, that ties us with each other.

And sometimes I spread that Baptist pallet out on the floor and Lily and I roll a ball back and forth.

And I think of all the families like mine, and like the one in Lorena, Tex., like the ones that nurture children all across America.

And as I look at Lily, I know that it is within families that we learn both the need to respect individual human dignity and to work together for our common good. Within our families, within our nation, it is the same.

And as I sit there, I wonder if she'll every grasp the changes I've seen in my life — if she'll ever believe that there was a time when blacks could not drink from public water fountains, when Hispanic children were punished for speaking Spanish in the public schools and women couldn't vote.

I think of all the political fights I've fought and all the compromises I've had to accept as part payment. And I think of all the small victories that have added up to national triumphs. And all the things that never would have happened and all the people who would have been left behind if we had not reasoned and fought and won those battles together.

And I will tell Lily that those triumphs were Democratic Party triumphs.

I want so much to tell Lily how far we've come, you and I. And as the ball rolls back and forth, I want to tell her how very lucky she is. That, for all of our differences, we are still the greatest nation on this good earth.

And our strength lies in the men and women who go to work every day, who struggle to balance their family and their jobs, and who should never, ever be forgotten.

I just hope that, like her grandparents and her great-grandparents before, Lily goes on to raise her kids with the promise that echoes in homes all across America: that we can do better.

And that's what this election is all about. Thank you very much."

​

[jodilin65]

MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 1998 Oh, what an allergy attack! I just spent the last two hours cleaning all the animal’s cages, tubes, wheels, dishes, etc. I was sneezing so bad that I finally put my nose clips on. I hate it when I have an allergy attack so bad that a Benadryl would probably stop, but that would knock me out when I have something to do. If I took Benadryl, it’d stop my allergies, but it’d fuck up my schedule for tomorrow’s appointment with Melanie.

For the first time since meeting Melanie, I am not looking forward to seeing her. Not with how painful this ordeal has become now that there’s enough tooth for her to pull on. Does having braces for the usual reason hurt this much? Well, I’m not gonna bother finding out by having my bottom teeth done.

I hope that black lady isn’t in the room too, tomorrow. I mean, she’s nice and all that, but if I’m gonna have to suffer so bad, I should at least be able to have Melanie all to myself. Even so, I’m at the point right now where if I knew I could never see Melanie again - fine.

One of the bags of old sawdust ripped along its side, so I had to take it directly out to the dumpster, and as Tom had said before, our dumpster was gone. So I walked it just past the old man’s house across the street. There were two dumpsters there. There are also two just past where the guard dogs are. Maybe someone will drag one of them back where ours usually is if the city doesn’t. Or maybe we’ll call the city and see about getting one back there. There were a few bags of garbage on the ground where the dumpster usually is. Some lazy ass that probably lives next door threw it there.

I awoke at 115 pounds, and luckily, this is the second day in a row I shit. But can I do that again tomorrow for the third day in a row? Well, there’s this bean soup that Tom says bothers his stomach if he has a whole can, so we split a can every other day now, because he says it helps with duties.

I had Tom take my measurements because it’s been a while. Sure enough, and as I figured, I’m pretty much the same as I was a few months ago. My waist may have come in a little, though, and ma noticed I lost weight. I’m glad it turned out that I was right when I said I had vibes about leaving the 120s indefinitely. I still don’t see myself in the 120s, and I even vibe 117 pounds becoming a thing of the past. Yeah, I surprisingly am picking up vibes of dropping just under 115, but we’ll see. I haven’t really done it yet. If I do, I guess I’ll stay there for about 3 months before and if I drop some more. That seems to be the way it works for me these days. I spent a few months at around 124 pounds, then around 118 pounds.

Maybe this new diet plan can and will pay off. That is, as long as I shit fairly regularly. However, if I’m gonna be stuck every other day for the most part, or regularly go two days in a row without shitting, then forget it. Well, it’s up to God. I always did say that he controls our bodies for the most part. At least I can rock/sing conformably.

I just took a Benadryl and broke it in half and took a half. That way I’ll get drowsy, but it won’t knock me on my ass.

Tomorrow’s the big test. We took the frame off the bed to see if it’d make it more stable. I think it does. I can feel a little movement when he moves, but maybe, just maybe, I can be somewhat normal and sleep with my husband at least part-time. I figured that since big changes often need to be made in little steps, like with the Nicorette program, then maybe we could sleep together when it’s not important that I be on a certain schedule. This won’t fix his snoring, but we’ll see how it goes.

Later…

It’s nearly 10:30 now, which means that my allergy attack’s been going on for nearly 3 hours. So, I’ve put the nose clips back on and will just keep them on till I go to bed in about 8 hours.

I just called Lisa, since it’s been a while. She was happy to hear from me and sounded perky. I spoke to all the girls, and they’re not too thrilled about returning to school tomorrow. I told her to tell Tammy I called.

She asked me a few questions about Tammy. How long did she live in Texas? How long was she married to Dick the pilot, and with her father Joe? When did she leave Texas? What was her father’s last name? I think she left for Texas when I was 11 and returned when I was 18, but I don’t know exactly how long she was with Dick B or Joe D. I asked her why she didn’t ask Tammy about this. She said she didn’t have the guts. That’s strange. I thought she and Tammy had discussed this already.

Keeping the nose clips on is easier said than done. They get pretty uncomfortable.

Tom’s still the same old sexually. I got horny yesterday but couldn’t get him in the mood. Not even to go down on me. I knew that a part of it was how he loves to put me on hold as far as sex goes. What a bizarre form of teasing, huh? I didn’t say anything, though, because I knew he’d get off on my bitching about it just as much as he gets off on making me wait for sex when I ask for it or when we agree to it. He wouldn’t have touched me today if it weren’t Monday since he’s just hardly ever horny. He said he wanted to digest his food so that he’d have a choice on whether or not we screwed or he went down on me. I knew he’d opt to go down on me. Especially since he knew I was hornier than I had been in a while at one of our times to get together. So, he did go down on me and I got off. I didn’t get off too easily, but I did.

I’ve been making little comments lately, just to see if he’d go along with them as I suspected he would, like, “You get off most of the time,” and sure enough, he doesn’t say a word to deny it. He’ll always go along with this because it’s what he wants me to believe. He doesn’t want to have to deal with what may happen if he knew I knew the truth. Nothing would happen, but it just goes to prove that he would lie when it comes to sex or a kid and that it’d do me no good to get tested, because he’ll either keep totally quiet about his not cumming, or he’ll deny it, and I couldn’t get tested without his full, honest cooperation. I’m sure the testing is something that I’ll never do, though, any more than I’ll ever do the straightening of the bottom teeth. I probably could never get sure results without his cumming, although, since the sterility problem lies with me, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe they could find out what was wrong with me either way because if something’s wrong with me that they can find, they’re gonna find it whether or not he cums. It’s just that I don’t know if I really want to go through the hassle just for some info. Hell, I don’t know if I’d want to go through all this even if I still wanted a kid since it’s still not in my destiny to have a kid. Probably not even if I could handle it. For now, I’ll just keep my doors open and not say that I will or I won’t get tested.

It helps to have the walker by the computer. I was easily able to do my 30 minutes today and yesterday. It wasn’t too easy playing my tiles game, but it sure was great having Mary read me some files off the web.

One of the things I read up on (I saw on TV) was the case of these 17, 18, and 19-year-old boys who were charged with sexually mutilating and killing three 8-year-old boys in Arkansas. I was surprised to see how many people said they felt the boys were innocent of these killings, that there wasn’t enough evidence, and that the police were corrupt. Yeah, I know that pigs are sometimes desperate to pin a crime on anyone, but I think there was enough evidence and that the boys did it.

Speaking of pigs, the one across the street is moving. What new noise source will I have to deal with now? Hopefully none, with it being across the street. As long as I don’t get another bass-banging freeloader over there who doesn’t give a shit about anyone but itself.

I hope to hell that that freeloader next door stays right where it’s at till we move because my vibe about moving in June is weakening. Now I’m feeling it’ll be August when we move. Not only do I have to fear it doing something to the house if it splits first, but then it won’t be so easy to deliver my little journal excerpts. Also, if the next people owned the house, what am I gonna do when they start in with their noise? A good 90% of the population is not like the Mormons were, therefore, if I ask them to shut up, however kindly, they’ll just get pissed off and will either make just as much noise or more noise. Then only my fists will work because complaining to the city will do no good when they know they don’t have to fear/risk eviction.

Until Labor Day, all is still quiet around here. Someone picked up the bitch on Sunday, and Tom thinks she goes to church. How can someone like that go to church? Don’t they teach churchgoers to honor and respect their neighbors? To get along with them and not make trouble? Sounds like the church isn’t doing this little bitch any good.

I saw that the bitch’s dad was here at 6:30 this morning. Then I saw the bitch halfway down the driveway, looking impatiently down the street. God, do I want that bitch’s figure! At one point, she bent over for something on the driveway, exposing her ass (she had on a short dress). Anyway, a blue car that I think I’ve seen before pulled up. I don’t know who drives the thing, but the bitch didn’t give her kid to this car. The bitch herself, carrying a shirt on a hanger or something, got in the car and took off. Daddy was still there, and I figured he’d stay here and watch the kid all day while its daddy was in jail, or wherever, but daddy was gone when I did a 9:00 check. At 11:00, Daddy returned. I saw him in the carport, and it looked like it was bringing in some groceries.

What is it with this bitch? She’s got someone to drive her to work. Someone to watch her mistake. And now she’s getting her shopping done for her, too? Who died and made her the queen to be waited on and carted around like that?

Later…

Daddy’s still next door. I’ll do an hourly check, but I’ll bet you anything that at 4:00 or 5:00, the blue car will drop off the bitch, then bye, bye Daddy.

Boy, has this telemarketing company gotten pushy since I blocked one of their numbers. Your classic opposite-doers. Just like I knew asking Andy to come over sober would make him get more stoned, blocking out one number has gotten them to be all the more determined to call here on other numbers. They’re trying all the harder on other lines. Every now and then a sales call comes up with a number. I’ll just keep blocking each of their numbers till they run out of numbers to try to call from.

Later…

Fuck! I am so fucking pissed! I just can’t stop sneezing. Every time I chance removing these uncomfortable nose clips, I start sneezing again. Is there ever any end to this shit? My allergies have been really bad since quitting smoking, and again, I’m glad I’ll never be 100 pounds again. Not with the price I’d have to pay for it.

I cannot believe that I didn’t mention that Tweety did die after all. He died on the 24th, the day Tom went to Vegas. I put him in a small plastic bag that Dureen and Art gave me when they were here that was from the little clothing store they had had on Nettle’s Island. Yeah, I’m sure they’d appreciate knowing that I used their bag to put a dead bird in. Anyway, I stuck him in that and put him in the dumpster. Then I cleaned his cage and put it in the storage room out back. Now we have two birdcages, a wire cage, and a hoop stand. The cages will just sit in storage for now, but I’m sure I can use the hoop stand. Maybe I can get a fake plant to hang in it.

Later…

I absolutely don’t fucking believe it. Unfuckingbelievable! I’m up to 119 pounds now. How do you gain 4 pounds in one day? Especially when you’re not constipated, you’ve exercised, and you’ve been eating under 1000 calories a day? Eating 1000 calories a day is supposed to cause weight loss. I had hoped it’d keep me stable, but you mean to tell me I’m gonna gain from it? Shit, I could gain weight by not eating anything at all! What the fuck’s going on here?

Oh, just accept it and live with it, girl. You can’t do shit about it, anyway.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 1998 So far, the weekend’s been the opposite of how next weekend will be. That means that this weekend has been peaceful so far.

Let’s see - still doing the sex twice a week. He’s getting in there, but still, neither of us cum. I cum just fine with the vibrator, but not with him lately. I’m not so sure as to why, but I have a few ideas. I’ll get into it later, though. It’s not his fault, I’ll say now. Yes, the lust flame has died out with time as it usually does, but there’s still plenty of love there, and I don’t see how he’s to blame for this at all.

I buffed my nails, and Tom’s, too. This is a technique I learned at Mansfield Beauty School. You file the surface of the nail, then put a drop of oil on the nail, then buff them. It makes them feel smooth and look shiny like you might have clear polish on them.

I moved the treadmill out of the music room and put it by my computer. That way, I can do even more than just read or listen to music when I walk. I can use Mary, the talker who’s been doing my proofreading for me, to read me files on the web, or whatever. I can also reach the mouse so I can play games, too.

Speaking of mice, Tom and I went to Best Buy on Friday and we picked up two different mice. One’s got a touchpad in it, and the other is like his new one. It’s got a wheel on it for scrolling, and a button I can program to hit once when I want to double-click. It can be used as a shortcut for hitting the enter key, plus lots of other things. Depends on what you use most, I guess. I’m using the one with the scroll wheel right now, as something’s wrong with the other one. It causes the computer to crash for some reason.

We also got a miniature golf game CD. It’s cool, although you’d think there’d be more courses for $30. It’s also very male-like. I can tell that by the theme and colors. We need more women doing graphics because unless they’re butchy, I’d think they’d do them up prettier.

Got Gloria’s new CD, and boy is it bad. There’s only one song on it I like.

We finally got Ratsy a new home, hoping it’d perk him up if he had a little more space, but most importantly, room for a bigger wheel. He was too big for the wheel he’d been using. So, Tom got him a 20-gallon aquarium like one of the ones the mice use. He also got him a wooden burrow that’s big enough for a GP. This aquarium, though, comes with a lid, of course.

Something up there is really, really determined to see that I don’t go under 115 pounds. I’m dead serious about this! I had really started to lose. Faster and more so than in quite a while, then I got stuck for two days. This really set me back, although I’m still down a pound or so. If I’m gonna keep on being stuck so often, then no diet, no matter how good it is, is gonna allow me to lose weight. You have to at least shit regularly if you’re gonna lose weight. Well, thank God not getting below 115 pounds isn’t the end of the world for me, because it’s definitely not where I’m going. As long as I stay under 120 pounds. That’s what’s important.

Friday, before going to Best Buy, we stopped at Ma’s house. When I say Ma’s house, I really mean Mary’s. She sure lost a lot of weight, and she sure is shaky. She has a very hard time standing, talking, and hearing. Her birthday was yesterday. She turned 75.

As a bonus, Evie and the kids were there when we went to see Ma. So I guess I don’t have to worry about getting together after all! We gave each other a big hug, then I finally got to meet my nephew Parker. His hair’s turning brown and he’s looking more like David. Seeing Nickolena was like seeing a whole new child. God has she grown! She’s just over half my height. She’s talking now too, and still has her ma’s red hair.

When I got back home and went to tell Evie how glad I was that I finally got to see them all on AOL, there was the sweetest message from her waiting for me.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 1998 If I stood on the scale a certain way, I could get it to read 114½ pounds, but technically, I woke up at 115 pounds. Today’s a no-shit day, so I should be around 117 by bedtime. Maybe 118. Going from two TV dinners a day, mixed with graham crackers and popcorn, to one TV dinner a day, mixed with salad and popcorn, seems helpful so far in staying away from the 120s range.

Something’s not quite right with Ratsy. It’s not that I think he’s dying, it’s how he’s acting. It’s like he’s really bummed or something. He doesn’t stand up and beg for food constantly like he used to. I put lettuce in his cage for the first time today and he didn’t even touch it.

I don’t know what to do about Evie. All I know is that I’m sorry I started getting buddy-buddy with her online. She seems to have this fascination with me that I just don’t get. She really wants to get together with me. I’m afraid that if I do let her come over, she’s gonna push to do it again, and again, and again.

Tom said they’re notoriously late, and that the kids are totally wild. Yeah, even though Evie may be one of the very few good moms left in this world, discipline still went out seemingly in the 80s. I can see her being too lenient. That’s better than being the domineering bitch my mother was, but still. Even if I were to put all breakable stuff in a safe place, what’s to say they still won’t trash stuff that I can’t easily move out of the way, and topple over garbage and stuff like that? I realized that this wouldn’t be such a fun visit.

Later…

I left Evie a message and briefly explained that I’m a bit paranoid about home company but to please not take it personally. I told her I’ve always had a problem interacting with people, even if they’re people I love and trust, but that I still love her and her family and would like to continue keeping in touch online. I told her I’d keep my doors open in the future, and hopefully she’ll understand. Although I hope I don’t hurt her feelings, I didn’t want to keep stringing her along, but she’s gonna take the news however she’s gonna take it.

I spoke to Andy, who hates his job. He admits that it’s one thing to say he’s gonna keep his mouth shut and mind his own business, but another thing to do it. So, he said, if he gets fired from this job, it’s probably due to something he said. He says he’s thinking more and more about looking for a different line of work, maybe in the daytime, with wages he can depend on rather than tips, where there are fewer people to interact with, and with benefits. I hope he finds something he likes, whatever it is.

Andy waited on a guy that lives next door to Stevie.

Later…

I know why that bitch leaves an hour earlier nowadays. It’s because freeloader daddy isn’t coming to pick up God’s mistake, so she needs that extra time to cart the kid off to daycare herself. The question, though, is why isn’t he coming to get his mistake? Is it because he’s bailing out of his fatherly duties as most of them do, or is he in jail? Is he in detox or some kind of drug rehab? Did someone kill him?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 27, 1998 I took a dump today, so tomorrow I’ll be stuck.

Vegas is gonna put 6-8 pounds on me, but I’ve decided that that’s OK because there’s no way I’m gonna go there and be hungry all the time. I’ll probably come back at 124 pounds, so I’ll salad and walk my way back down to 118 pounds. At least I know I can do that much.

I had a bad allergy attack yesterday morning at around 5:00 and was forced to take a Benadryl and crash earlier than I’d have liked. Looks like today’s allergy attack is just revving up. Well, I’m gonna slap on the nose-pinchers that I use for swimming because I’ll be damned if I’m interrupted every 10 minutes with sneezing fits for hours. I ain’t taken a Benadryl to knock me on my ass. I need to push my schedule a little further around so I can be up for Friday morning.

Friday morning we’re gonna go see Ma. It’s been a while since I’ve seen her. Then, we’re gonna go do a little shopping. Go to the bookstore, and maybe see about a new mouse for me. One you use for the computer, I mean. I want a mouse like Tom’s. His has a wheel along the side for scrolling up and down scroll bars. It’s much more convenient. Also, there’s a button on the side that you just click once for icons, instead of double-clicking. Tom says it’s so much better.

Got a little booklet from Mom of sketches of children done by some artist who has a museum in Tucson. The sketches are boring. Even sloppy looking. But on the opposite page of each sketch, is a blank page. Well, instead of taking Journal 77 to Vegas, perhaps I’ll take this. It’s got 15 pages which oughta be enough.

Later…

Our lovely bitch next door and her daddy are here waiting on the baby daddy to come by so they can all go away for the day. Let’s see… I’m up to two door slams so far. So, one or two more is what I’m in for. Yesterday morning at this time, it threw something in its recycle bin that’s up against our house and not theirs and slammed the lid shut. In fact, come to think of it, I never heard anything fall into the bin or footsteps approach it. It’s as if it came out just to slam the lid right outside our bedroom windows. At first I thought it was a car door, it was so loud, obvious, and deliberate.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 1998 I believe my life will be a whole lot easier if I just cut out food altogether. I’ll eat every now and then, I’ll eat on vacations, I’ll still walk a half-hour a day, but I can’t live my life watching every fucking bite I’ve taken. First of all, the regimen I’ve been on should have caused me to lose weight and I should’ve been back to around 100 pounds a while ago. However, I accepted the fact that for whatever reason, wacky thyroid or not, I couldn’t get below 115. Maybe that’s just how I am now. Just like one can’t help their height, there are some people, both fat and thin, that can’t help their weight. I’ll be damned, though, if I’m gonna live with a new long-term problem, though. For 18 years I fought with the cigarettes and their effects on me physically and on my emotions. Well, I’ll be damned if I’ll swap in one problem for a new one and let the food/weight bring me down for years, too, as it has been for months now. I don’t want to set myself free from watching what I eat by going back to eating whatever I want to and not worrying about it, because those days can never be again. I will gain a ton of weight if I do that. However, as we know, there are some things that change and that are inevitable and that are out of our control. There’s no easy way to keep my weight where it is, and I sure as hell couldn’t lose weight, but I can turn the other cheek on some things that have plagued me and been a problem. I was taught that if you have something that’s a problem - dump it if you can. Omit it from your life (like a woman would dump a problem male and like I dumped abusive family members). So that’s why I feel it’d be better if I just didn’t eat, rather than worry about what I ate and deal with the hunger and counting the hours till I could eat again. I can’t deal with that kind of slavery either. I’ll walk, I’ll drink, but I just can’t eat anymore. Food just totally brings me down.

From the looks of the Caller ID box, Lisa tried to reach me yesterday. I hope she’s OK and that she gets her weight down because I know how much she wants to. I worry about her weight and Bill, though. If Bill got on her ass about weighing 130 pounds, then he’s surely gonna be cutting her down like hell about being 150 pounds.

I sent Tammy a letter, and as her sister, I felt it best to warn her of what I vibe, fear, feel, or whatever you want to call it. I told her I’d never try to persuade or suggest she like or dislike someone, but that whether or not she’s on good terms with the folks when they die - please don’t go to their funerals. I really see great potential for either extreme violence or even murder, should she, Larry, and Ronnie ever be in the same room together.

Ratsy seemed really depressed earlier. Even Tom noticed it. I switched water bottles since he seems to prefer roller balls to levers, so we’ll see if this perks him up. Maybe he was just kind of dehydrated.

I awoke at 117 pounds today, and since I shit yesterday, of course I’m stuck today. It’s no wonder I could never lose any weight. You can’t lose weight if you’re backed up in shit every other day.

Got some personalized stationery from the HS. They sent 5 sheets of stationery with little pictures of cats and dogs and with my name/address. And envelopes, too. I wrote/sent 2 sheets to Paula and 3 to Bob.

Bob must really be losing his mind. I had been sending Bob a few postcards Dureen and Art had sent, and according to Kim in her email to me, Bob thought they were from her. How fucking stupid can he be?! Didn’t he recognize my handwriting or see the Phoenix postmark?

I decided it was time again to play detective and browse the web to see what I could find on Gloria. It’s fun because one never knows what they’ll find. I found a few goodies - a few pictures and a boring screensaver, but I have it anyway. I found another picture that was in the bunch that Dureen stole. It’s nice to have these pictures back and I like them so much better on the computer, rather than the walls. They’re safe from tears on the computer, although I do have a few on the walls. The cool thing about it is that if a picture does tear, I can just reprint a new copy!

I saw a fascinating documentary on the Titanic. The big luxury cruise liner that went down in 1912. It hit an iceberg and is still 2½ miles underwater.

Tom didn’t have much more to say in regard to his class in Vegas. Just that it was mainly about changes in life and how to accept/handle them.

Later…

Guess we’ll be hearing from the bitch if she leaves at the same time she did yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, at 6:15, the freeloader bitch gave me 3 loud, hard, deliberate, obvious slams on its way out.

I have mixed feelings about going anywhere for Labor Day. At first I felt she wouldn’t party without him in the picture, but yes she will. The bitch still has her sick little gal pals and all their 10,000 kids. Everybody has to come to the bitch’s place for parties, so why not? And as an added bonus, they can all badger me. I’m curious to stick around to see if my strong party vibe rings true, but at the same time, I kind of want to get out of here because I don’t want to be invited to her fucking party. The last thing I want to do is sit around and listen to that bitch and her crony’s party. If they’re that fucked up that they feel they have to make a scene and get attention, that’s their problem. In the long run, though, I think that’s when my schedule will be on nights and I very well could be asleep throughout the late afternoon and early evening hours. But the question is - will these sick fucks let me sleep? Because if they don’t, I swear that bitch and her associates are out of here! Truthfully, though, I don’t see why I couldn’t sleep as long as I had the fan and music, of course, to blend in with their ball games and music, but things are different now than they were last Labor Day. They didn’t have two city letters complaining about them back then, so maybe, if they still feel such a need to be heard and noticed by me, their noise source will be mainly vocal.

Later…

I’m a pound heavier than I was when I got up. See, something’s gotta be going on, because although I did eat a little bit today, I didn’t even eat 1000 calories, and if you have 1000 calories or less, you’re supposed to lose weight. I shouldn’t be maintaining or gaining, but I am, so it must be for a reason and really meant to be. Maybe it’s just fluid that I accumulated since I got up, but all I know is that I never used to have this problem. I could gorge all day and be the same, or even less than when I woke up, so I’d still say that something’s gotta be going on that’s got to do with my metabolism or thyroid. Maybe, after I continue to eat so few calories and walk, I should go back to the doctor to find out why I can’t lose weight. Like I said, if I can’t lose weight, then I can’t lose weight and so be it, but couldn’t this end up being worse than just hanging at this plateau I can’t go beyond? This could be a sign of other problems to come, so we’ll see. Still, I know I should’ve lost more weight by now. No one should hold the same weight doing the walking that I’ve been doing, and by following the diet plan I’ve been following.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 25, 1998 Well, I'm already back to 118 pounds just a few hours since I last wrote. I walk a half-hour a day and eat sensibly, but my weight still stays at the same old heavy weight. Funny, huh? Doing all this to maintain the same weight, rather than to lose. Normally, this regimen I'm on should cause weight loss, but instead I'm just barely being able to maintain my weight by it, but wacky thyroid or not, I accept the fact that I can't get below 115 pounds. It's just such a constant, everyday struggle to keep it from going into the 120s! Is my whole life gonna be about this? Makes me want to just say fuck it, and go back to eating what I want and not worrying about it, but I can't do that anymore and hold the same weight. I'll gain a ton of weight if I do, but we'll see.

MONDAY, AUGUST 24, 1998 Tom should be home in about an hour. Mary brought him to the airport, and she’ll be bringing him back, too. That’s nice of her to do this since I can’t. He was gonna drive himself originally, but it would’ve cost a bit to leave it parked at the airport all day.

I can’t wait to hear all about his trip, and I hope and pray that he makes it back OK. I don’t have a bad vibe, but you know that these are the things that make me worry. I know traveling by plane is much safer than vehicle travel, but what with God and his ways, and with what happened to little Larry, and just the ways of life in general, I worry. A sudden tragedy can happen to anyone, anywhere. It’s just that unfortunately, most tragedies are inflicted upon the better people of this world.

Speaking of flying to Vegas, well, when we go, I’m gonna use journal 77 to write in during the trip (if I write at all). Since I began doing my journals on the computer only, I never finished the journal chart that I had left off with in that book, so there are several blank pages left over.

Later…

Tom is home now and is eating. After he eats, he’ll give me a detailed account of his trip. He said it was a stupid class, the cab cost a fortune, and that they cut the class early and he had to wait 4 hours at the airport. Well, they’ll reimburse him for the outrageous cab fare. The bank paid his airfare, of course.

I woke up at 117 pounds and knew I’d better get shitting today, or else I’d wake up at 118 tomorrow, which would still be within my weight range. Well, I did end up shitting off a pound, so I should be waking up at 115-116 pounds till I get stuck again. Then I’ll wake up at 117-118, and back and forth and back and forth.

Tom brought home a couple of little bags of peanuts from Southwest Airlines. And from the class - a little bean-bag dinosaur, a key chain, a little wooden box with Chinese writing, and a book he’s got to read before he can teach, I guess.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 1998 Not a peep out of the bitch today, so the weekend was peaceful.

Tomorrow morning, Tom will be leaving for Vegas. Mary’s gonna pick him up and bring him to the airport at 7:15 AM. Then she’ll pick him up and bring him home at 10:30 PM. Fortunately, he doesn’t have to go in to work till 12:30 AM on Wednesday.

So, they’re basically gonna be teaching him to be a teacher where he works. Neither of us knows much about it, though, till the merger goes through and all that.

Woke up at 116 pounds and am hungry all the time. I have to wait a few more hours for my second and last meal of the day, so I munch on my mixed salad in between. It’s good right out of the bag. I even like it better without dressing. This is the second day in a row that I’ve been 115-116, so naturally, I’m stuck today. Guess my body’s just doing whatever it has to do to keep its weight at what it feels is ideal for it in this day and age. Anyway, this being stuck should reset me to 117-118, and if I can stick to this new diet plan, I should spend a lot of time being hungry, but I should never leave the range of 115-118 pounds.

Gotta do some dishes and do some more walking. I just wish the fucking belt wouldn’t lock up on me. Sometimes it gets sluggish like someone was putting a bit of pressure on it. I spray it with silicone spray, but it doesn’t always help. I want to feel like I’m walking. Not like I’m climbing an incredibly steep hill.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure, though, and that’s that when we do go to Vegas, I’m eating whatever I want. I’ll be damned if I’ll put up with being hungry all the while I’m gambling or doing whatever. I know I’ll have to start all over again when I get back because a day or two of eating whatever I want will throw me back up to at least 124 pounds, but it’ll be well worth it. When I get home, I can work my way back down to the 115-118 pounds I usually am these days. Even with the walking, God do I have a slow metabolism! I woke up at 116 pounds. Right now I’m 117½ and what did I eat today so far? Nothing but salad and one measly little TV dinner with a small portion of chicken lasagna. Oh, and two graham crackers, too. But that’s it. That’s all I had. It’s the shit. Yesterday’s food wasn’t shit off. It’s still with me. So, in a sense, I may as well say that today I’ve eaten 3 TV dinners, 6 graham crackers, lots more salad, and popcorn. By the end of today, I should weigh 118-119 and wake up tomorrow at 117. Well, maybe I’ll shit twice tomorrow. It sometimes works out that way where we make up for lost time here. Then I can get rid of yesterday’s and today’s food, get back to 115 pounds, then start all over again. I’ll be regular for a handful of days, then as my weight lowers, I’ll get stuck, gain a few pounds back, then shit and lose it again. That’s what I’ve been doing for close to two months now.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, 1998 No out-of-towners this weekend, but I guess little miss bitch had company while I slept. Tom said there were no music or ball games, though. A white car came and parked just inside the carport and then he said he heard a bunch of little kids, and that’s all he heard. Right now there are no lights on over there, and it’s early on a Saturday night, so that means that the subhuman black piece of shit meat is out somewhere. Unless she has to get up early, which I highly doubt. So, I’m sure I’ll hear her come door-slamming in any time now.

Can this bitch ever take one weekend off? Just one weekend? I mean, I can’t imagine not wanting a weekend to myself periodically with no visitors and no one picking me up. Guess she’s a clingy desperado who always needs to be around people (sort of like Evie). What is Evie’s fascination with me anyway? Why does she always want to do something with me or come and get me, etc.? I know she doesn’t feel sorry for me and my sterility like I originally thought, because she knows I don’t want kids, and from what she tells me, I think she envies me and my sterility.

Later…

Went for another dusk swim and it was blessedly peaceful.

Did some laundry earlier and soon I’ll tackle the dishes. Can’t wait till we have a dishwasher when we move, too.

Tom worked on the car, as usual, and there’ll be many more days of that to come, as is destined for the next handful of years or so.

I don’t know if Tweety’s dying or what, but he didn’t look too good, so I brought him inside. He seems weak and he’s sitting on the floor of his cage. Something he just doesn’t ordinarily do. Well, I can’t say it’d be any big loss to me if he did die. It’d just be one less mouth to have to feed and water since I’m not really a fan of birds. Neither is Tom. We both favor Measles over Tweety and if I could take Measles with us when we move, I would.

I was surprised to wake up at 115 pounds. Last night I had a 114-pound vibe, which is rather odd. We’ll see what happens, but as long as I don’t go back into the 120s again. One little change in my diet can cause me to swing out to 121 pounds like I just did the other day. I have a neat new diet plan that I think will be healthy for me and that’ll make sure I never go back into the 120s, as long as I stick to it.

Later…

The bitch just came in. I only heard one door slam. Couldn’t make out the car, though.

Anyway, I originally wanted to do the Slim-Fast diet plan and have a shake for breakfast and lunch, then a regular dinner, but no, God had to bless me with a bum stomach. I say that sarcastically, of course. So, instead of two TV dinners a day with graham crackers and popcorn mixed in, I’m gonna keep the two TV dinners a day but replace the crackers and popcorn with salad. Of course, I’ll do my walking, too. I’ll have a bowl of popcorn once a week. I’m not gonna deprive myself forever. It’s just that I can’t make any major changes/additions without it costing me a trip to the 120s. Hell, if I just kept on eating as I always have for years since quitting smoking, I’d be pushing 200 pounds by now!

As far as toning - I don’t know. Most of those target exercises never did me any good, and as Tom said, it takes a long time to see a significant difference. He said it may take me 9 months to a year and him about 3 years. He also pointed out how some people exercise for 5-10 years before they feel they’re where they want to be and at their peak fitness. It really is slavery. If it were something that could be accomplished in a month, no one would look like I do, or worse. Except for maybe most guys. Because most of them don’t care how they look, what they weigh, or how fit they are. Some women don’t, either, but it’s mostly guys who are less into their health/appearance. As for the craters, oh my God, I now have them from head to toe! That’s mainly an age thing. I can lessen them, but I’ll never get rid of them. I wonder about these hips, though. Never have I had hips like this before. I always had such narrow hips, but not now. Fortunately, though, the hip exercises were the most effective, so maybe I’ll do those more often.

Later…

Damn, this bitch crashes early. There are no lights on in the kitchen or living room, so unless the bitch is curled up in bed with her hand between her legs, sloshing around in the tub with a rubber ducky, it ain’t awake.

It’s in my nature to be a philosopher, as you know, and to analyze, guess, and wonder about all kinds of things - so - what would my life be like now if I were still back east? What a really fucking scary and depressing thought!!! If they had cut me off from SS and SSI without my having someone like Tom in my life, I’d have died for sure. I’d never have made it. Even if I could keep a schedule and dance till I got too old to dance, what would I have done afterward?

Tom is definitely my biggest blessing. Regardless of how many things he’s said and done that I disapprove of, I sure feel I have more security with him than I did with SS and SSI checks and my parents’ help.

If there is any subject that Tom’s words have never matched his actions (for more than the most part), it’s sex. No, this isn’t a complaint nowadays. Just observations. As I’ve said, we have sex Fridays and Mondays. Last night I got into bed to screw, when he said, “Let me use the bathroom for a minute first.” I’m thinking, oh boy. He’s gonna beat it off in the bathroom. I’d bet these journals on the fact that he did, too. After that minute, which was really 15-20 minutes, he came out, got into bed, and I said something like, “Gee! I was beginning to think some young, skinny chic popped into the bathroom and that you got it on with her.” Then he said I was impatient, he was reading a magazine, then he had to brush his teeth. I can see brushing his teeth, but he went and read a magazine while he knew his wife was waiting for him in bed? How romantic. Yeah, he really desires me. So much so that although it was the beginning of his day, he slept a long time, he had plenty of time to digest, the place was cool, he really squirt like hell! Yeah, right. Well, he’s not the only one. I tried using the vibrator, but I couldn’t get off. I told him I had a “missed” orgasm, where you have a very light orgasm, but it was close enough in a way. I did get more aroused than I have in quite a while.

Thank God, I mean thank fucking God, that he’s not your typical male. What with the way I’ve become so non-horny, I’d be driven crazy if he were all over me all the time, and if he were wetting the bed constantly. Speaking of that - he knows I’m dead serious about not wanting a kid anymore. At least I think he knows. Therefore, he’ll probably go back to not cumming at all.

Still have mixed emotions about going to get tested. Since I’ve stopped wanting a kid, it sort of put a damper on my curiosity about why I’m sterile. I mean, is it really necessary that I see if I can find out why? Who cares if it’s the eggs, or the uterus, or something else when I not only don’t want a child, but I know why God sterilized me? It’s simple - he sterilized me because he knew I couldn’t handle a child. So, is knowing all this really worth putting myself through the hassle?

Tweety’s still hunkered on the floor of his cage, but he did get up to take a drink. My guess is that he’s dying, but we’ll see.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 21, 1998 What? No weekend company, Joely? At least not so far, huh?

Anyway, both Tom and I have been very productive. This weekend, he’ll be doing the usual - car work, taking care of his ma’s house, yard work.

Tom says his Ma’s house won’t be a lot of work since it’s selling as a fixer-upper, but I still think it’ll be enough work till it sells at the beginning of next year, which is when I feel it’ll sell at this point. Well, like I told him, he can take all the time he needs to deal with his family’s affairs. I’ll support him 100%. Remember, it’s not like we’re newlyweds who have to be all over each other constantly. Due to my enormous love for him, he can have all the time and support he needs.

Yesterday, I went on a 3-hour cleaning spree and I scrubbed this fucking old, filthy, ugly kitchen like crazy. The sink is white porcelain like the tub is, so I had to bleach the shit out of that. God, I can’t wait till we have a stainless-steel sink again! The counter, which is so old and made of the same kind of tiles you have in bathrooms, had to be scrubbed too, and it sure as hell was hard to get in between the cracks. I scrubbed the microwave and the stove, too, washed the tablecloth today, and will do the regular laundry and sheets tomorrow. I still have to do other things, too, like cleaning the bathroom, among other odds and ends around here that need cleaning. Due to my not liking this house, I’ve been neglecting the cleaning. Gotta dust and vacuum, too.

I got the animals’ cages cleaned today, and later, I’ll work on the TV trays Tom brought over from Mom’s. There are 4 wooden trays on a wooden rack that need cleaning. It’s filthy with dirt and dust, but dirt, dust, crumbs, clutter, disorganization, and all that, runs in his family.

I checked the guide on the TV screen for the first time in a while and holy shit! There’s actually a new movie out that’s just my kind of movie - a scorned teenage girl seeks revenge on those who burned her.

Yesterday I was up to 121 pounds. I was so fucking watery that I took a water pill. Aren’t periods supposed to drain water? Well, this period ended up being rather wimpy, like I said. I needed ibuprofen, but no big pads. Just liners. So when I woke up, I was 116 pounds, but it fucking figures. All this extra weight gain over adding a lousy little bit of chicken to my diet. And apples and salad. I really should just stick to my two TV dinners a day and some salad, although when I tried this new menu for variety, I did cut out one of those TV dinners. I just can’t afford to take even one extra bite. My metabolism is just too slow for that and I’m just not no young thing anymore. If I were smart, I’d cut out food altogether and just live on liquids and vitamins, and just eat every now and then. That way, if I cut out food altogether, I wouldn’t have to worry if I went over an extra bite or two, etc.

Lisa called me again today (I’m beginning to wonder if now she’s gonna call me every day!) And she sounds great.

I awoke from a dream that wasn’t so great that involved Tom. For some bizarre reason that may have had to do with money, we had to live in separate apartments for 4-5 years in Springfield. Oh, how depressing! I’d rather wake up from a nightmare where someone’s trying to shoot me than all sad like that.

Tom got me some goodies for my hair. Some hot oil treatments and some split-end mending stuff. It’s stuff I’ve used before, but it’s been a while. It helps a little, but nothing will ever salvage this dry, frizzy, dead, damaged, uneven, straw-like hair like a good haircut would. It’s not gonna happen just yet, though.

Oh, I take that back about the dogs being quiet after dark. Last night, just after 9:00, they went on a little fit, so I used the wireless headphones (this was right as I was beginning to clean). Come to think of it, this has happened before, but things could be worse as far as dogs go.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 1998 Another message from Jackie. She just doesn’t get it, I guess, that her uncle doesn’t want anything to do with her or her sister Pam. I mean, he and I will be polite when we see them in person, but Pam and Jackie are both users. They only call when they want something. This time around Jackie wants to know what the story is with Ma’s house. She and her husband Jim want it. They’re under the false idea that they can rent the house out and make extra money without having to work. Well, who would they expect to do the maintenance? Tom? Probably so. They’re not getting it, anyway.

Later…

I’m gonna try again in about an hour to see if I can get a peaceful enough swim. As I may have said before, in the last year the dogs have been better than ever. Instead of barking at night and every 5 minutes in the daytime, we’re down to no night barking and barking every 10-30 minutes in the daytime. Still, these little shits could go off at any moment for fucking ever! It’s hit or miss. Maybe I’ll be lucky this evening.

I ended up bringing on a flow by force. I made myself get off 3 times last night. Although this period is still rather light, it’s enough of one at this point. Again, though, I had more cramps for the period.

As my body was obsessed with weighing 124 pounds for the longest time, my body is now obsessed with weighing 118 pounds a lot. I’m surprised I am 118 and not 120. I’m so bloated. I think some of that bloat is starting to deflate a little bit now, however, as the water drains from me for a while. I may not be able to get any lower than 115 pounds, but at least I’m staying under the 120s.

Later…

Got lucky and got a good, peaceful, relaxing, yet invigorating swim for 40 minutes. Most of the time I just floated around, rather than swam, but that was the first orgasm I ever had in the pool. I suddenly felt horny, but of course, Tom’s asleep, so I took care of myself. I didn’t think I would be able to cum, as there are some distractions, like helicopters, but I did.

Tom and I had a pleasant chat before he crashed, about the possibility of us flying to Vegas in a few weeks. Great! I do like Laughlin better, but flying there costs more. They use smaller planes and they charge around $130 per ticket, but if we shop around enough, we can get a $70 ticket on a bigger plane to Vegas. So, I guess I’m not gonna miss out on flying after all, which would’ve been the highlight of the trip for me, had we gone to Florida. I love flying and gambling, but if I never really travel further than the surrounding states, that’s OK because I don’t like traveling in general. A cruise around Hawaii might be nice, though. And if I could be in England at the snap of my fingers just to be around the nice accents for a day, and maybe see Norah in a theater, then be back home at the snap of my fingers, I guess I’d do that, too.

Lisa called today, and finally, there was some wonderful news from her. At least, I hope it’s the start of a happier life for Lisa. For the first time in ages, she sounded really confident, happy, and hopeful. She said she tried to kill herself a couple of days ago, then got a new therapist that she loves. We didn’t get into what she did to try to kill herself, but I’m glad she got this new therapist she loves so much and that she feels is so helpful. Sometimes you do have to shop around for a good therapist. I’ve had therapists that were both not helpful and that were helpful.

She said that this one got her to see things differently and get to the root of the problem, as she put it. She thought she’d be better when Bill was gone so she wouldn’t have to put up with his emotional and physical abuse, but she didn’t get better. She just turned on herself. She now realizes that the reason why she turned on herself and picked up from where he left off, is because thanks to that bastard who oughta be tortured and killed, that’s all she knows. All she knows is self-harm. Yeah, I fully understand. She didn’t say Bill oughta be tortured and killed, though. Those are my words that I just wrote but I’m sure she feels the same. I try not to do what other family members have done and pit her against others. I just try to tell her my honest opinion and what I feel could happen in dealing with certain people, and that’s it. From there, she has to be the one to decide what to do.

Unfortunately, she’s still smoking, but hopefully she’ll stop before she’s 31.

I moved Tweety today for variety and something new. He was hanging off the edge of the patio. Right in between where the concrete and grass meet. Now, he’s just outside the back room window, so I can see him when I’m working on the computer when it’s light out. I can also see him from the kitchen.

I love Tom’s idea for a doggie door for Blackie for when we move. Instead of having the door lead to the whole house, we were thinking it’d be cool for it to enter into a small hallway where his food and water would be. That way, if we didn’t want him in the house, he could still get inside and to his food and water at all times.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 1998 After Tom did some car work, then took a shower, we screwed. As usual, I just could not get into it. All was fine till he went to get up top. I didn’t see where I was when he got up there and apparently, my head was right at the wall, so he had no room since he’s taller than me. Instead of telling me to scoot down, though, he gave up so easily. Now any normal, red-blooded man who’s attracted to the woman he’s with and who’s normal sexually and not an old prude, would never have given up that easily. And it didn’t seem to bother him at all. He was perfectly content to just end it right there. It was as if it was the perfect excuse to escape it altogether, but I shouldn’t talk. I kind of have no desire myself. If what they say about a woman being most horny in her 30s is true, then all the more I’m just an abnormal fluke of nature myself.

Still, the out-of-bed Tom is worth the fluky in-bed Tom. Any abnormalities or lack of desire are all well worth the man that he is out of bed.

Later…

My period never ceases to do something new. I had a spot a couple of days ago, yesterday it looked like a light flow was beginning and I usually get a full flow after that, but today, nothing. My tits are a bit sore now, too. I’ve never not had a full flow that I can remember. Excluding when I was in my teens and the Navane was fucking things up. I still say it’s inevitable that I get a full flow, but now I know that anything’s possible when it comes to my periods. Sometimes I wonder if they’ll stop altogether. As long as I don’t have any problems or weight gain, my periods can do what they want. At least I can’t be pregnant.

I woke up at 117 pounds. I’m typically between 117-119 pounds these days, which is definitely as low as it’ll go because I’ve been weighing between that for just over a month now. Usually, if I weigh the same for that long, I’m gonna be staying there for quite a while, but great! That’s certainly better than 124 or higher.

Andy’s really gotten to be such a sad case. Well, he’s been a sad case now for a while, I guess you could say, even if he’s making good money now (till he flirts and gets fired). He’s such a pothead in the way that he’s such a forgetful little flake. He talks in slow motion, pausing 3 seconds in between words, and can’t remember shit. Yesterday he left a message about coming over today. I replied telling him I’d let him know tomorrow (today) when was a good time. So I called a couple of hours ago and told him he could come over between now and 9:00 and he said he forgot about it. Then he asked me if we agreed on a time and I’m like, “Andy. Don’t you remember? I said I’d call today and let you know.” Then he asked if I was sure 7:00 and 9:00 were the only times he could come over tonight. Then I had to repeat myself and remind him I said between now and 9:00. Not between 7:00 and 9:00. It’s a wonder he can even drive in the condition he’s in.

I gotta figure out how I’m gonna hide all this food Tom got today. I’m trying to switch to snacking on things like chicken, salad, and fruits, instead of graham crackers and popcorn. I hid the stuff I don’t want Andy to have, but he can have some graham crackers or toast if he wants if he comes over.

Later…

The Claritin’s not doing shit for me. I’m not surprised, either. As usual, it was something that seemed to be helping at first, but it’s just a joke. I knew it sounded too good to be true. Why has God always insisted I deal with something being wrong or different? Enough is enough already. Can’t he just leave me alone?!

Andy will be here between 7:00 and 8:00, so he says, and of course, that was the second time just now that we had to play phone about it.

Later…

Andy left a little while ago. He came over on time, smelling like a cigarette. He surfed the web, then we played 5 games of cards. All of which he won.

He didn’t have much to tell me this time around. Just that Michelle’s now really hired, instead of a temp, at the job she’s been at. So, now as long as Helen’s there, she’ll be there.

We were also talking about the president. God, he’s such a slut! This isn’t the first affair he’s had that he’s just publicly admitted to. The only thing about it that pisses me the fuck off is that millions of the taxpayer’s money went into investigating the affair. Oh, come on! His job is to be the president. Not be faithful. If he wants to whore around, that’s his business. What do we need to investigate it for or pay for it or know about it for? One has nothing to do with the other. As long as he can do what he’s got to do as president, then fuck his whoring around because 95% of the population’s whoring around. Anyway, I guess Hillary’s standing by him. What I think is that she doesn’t want to give up her position as the first lady, but will she still be with Bill after he’s no longer president? I swear anything named Bill thinks only from the waist down.

Oh, also, Andy came over somewhat baked. I knew he would sooner or later since he’s obsessed with doing the opposite of what one asks of him. At least he didn’t ask to eat the house down, just for gum.

Later…

Oh, I’m so fucking furious! I go out to have a peaceful swim, and I can’t even have that. Bark, bark, bark, bark! Does anyone ever tend to these fucking dogs? How the fuck can they stand it? Do most people really like noise that much? Do people really enjoy knowing that others can hear them or their dogs?

Then every fucking time I go out to do something, Blackie’s gotta be right at the door meowing her ass off. I swear, if I go in and out every hour, he has to go in and out every hour. If I go in and out every 5 minutes, he has to go in and out every 5 minutes. Thank fucking God I don’t have a kid. I could never handle it. I can’t wait till we move and get a doggie door so this cat can come and go on his own and leave me the fuck alone! Except for when I’m sleeping. When I’m sleeping, or if we’re not gonna be around to watch him and make sure he doesn’t bother the other animals or our stuff, we’ll lock the doggie door. He’s pretty good, so far, with not getting into stuff, though.

I have the air cleaner on when it’s light out. Sometimes I have it on when it’s dark, but as long as my animals are fairly quiet, I like to turn it off when it’s dark because that’s the only time there’s no barking around here.

Tom was just on his way to bed when I got up this afternoon. I told him I had a light flow again. He seemed so happy to hear that. He was even calling me beautiful. Well, if I’m so beautiful, why doesn’t he want me in bed more often? I shouldn’t talk, though, because if you asked me the same thing, my answer would be the same as his (although he wouldn’t admit this to my face) and that’s that it’s old news. There’s just no longer any excitement in it. It’s not new and exciting and so the lust flame has burned out. Thank God the love flame is still as bright as the sun. I’m sure it always will be, too.

Anyway, I still haven’t needed ibuprofen or a big pad. The light flow turned out to be more like heavy spotting and once again, it’s dying off. Will I ever get a real period? Well, logically speaking, I should and I will, but I just don’t know anymore. As long as I’m healthy and as long as my weight stays the 117-119 pounds it has been, then I won’t worry. Just wonder. I’m still on a good, healthy, low-fat, low-calorie diet, but I’m not walking as much. I just don’t care about getting down to 100 pounds anymore, which would take an unbelievable amount of work to do and it’s just no longer worth the slavery to me. If I didn’t starve altogether, I’d still have to eat even less than I have been, and I’d have to do a lot more walking which is boring as all hell. Even with a book, it’s just no fun, and not worth it to me. My life is still the same as it was when I was thin. Only difference is that I can’t fit into the same clothes. Big deal. There are new clothes to buy in the future.

When I got up, there was a message from Lisa saying that DYS was there at the house, and she asked me to call. When I did call, though, Tammy was there and she and the girls were cleaning. I quickly spoke to her, Becky, and Sarah, then Lisa. I asked Lisa if everything was OK since she couldn’t really get into it at that time. She said yes. I told her to leave me a more detailed message tomorrow if she calls and can’t get me. At least everything’s OK, though. She sounded chipper enough.

MONDAY, AUGUST 17, 1998 I cannot believe how long I slept! Again, thank God for no kid!

It’s a good thing that I don’t really care so much anymore about losing more weight because it seems something’s determined to keep me right where I am. It seems that every time I hit down at 116-117 pounds, it has me stuck the next day, so I get set back to 118-120.

I awoke with a light flow that seems to have dried up. When I need a big pad and ibuprofen, that’s when my full flow has arrived.

The white car didn’t spend the night next door last night and I’m sure it’s gone. Her usual ride dropped her off at 4 PM. When will her next out-of-towner visit?

Later…

Tom’s up now and he told me that the bitch got picked up at 5:45 this morning. That explains why the lights were off so early.

Got an email from Kim with some jokes she enclosed.

Tom was asking me how I felt period-wise and all that because he had to work on the car. He has trouble mixing work with sex and typically prefers to screw when he’s had no other projects to do. I let him know it’s OK if he can’t make the time tonight, and could sense he wasn’t anymore in the mood than I was. He’s always gonna have car work to do, so he’s gonna have to get used to putting that ahead of other things. He needs the car to work well enough to get to work and that’s more important than sex. I suggested that if he felt he could do both, as he mentioned possibly doing, then maybe he might want to screw first before he went and tired himself out with car work. Remember, he has to work too. As is his nature, he went the other way. He said he’d work on the car, then if there was enough time left over, we’d get together. Fine with me.

Andy beat me to the punch line and called today. I usually call him on Mondays. He’s finally making good money at work. He mentioned coming over and I told him that tomorrow night, which is his night off, would be fine.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 16, 1998 The reason I didn’t have a bad vibe was that there was nothing to worry about after all. The white car with the heavy black trim stayed till 11:00 or so but left quietly. Another car come to see the visitor, I guess, but then why was the van hauling shit out of it all night Friday night as if it were someone moving in? Anyway, the white car that’s been visiting, or whatever, leaves early in the morning and comes back around sundown. We’ll see if it’s gone by Monday as Tom thinks it’ll be.

Fortunately for both of us, though, I have no bad vibes and the stress has let up.

Later…

My very horny husband really wants a lot of sex. Really wants it full-time. That’s why he made time this weekend for at least a quickie. Ha, ha! Is this a complaint? No. Merely an observation. I’m not only used to his low drive, but now I’m used to mine, too. And no, I didn’t bring it up to him. There’d be no point. He’d only make excuses.

I finally began spotting today, so hopefully my full flow won’t be too far ahead, so I can lose some more water. I’m still holding between 117-119 pounds, thank God. Those water pills really are worthless, though. I’ll only use them if my tits get sore from here on out.

Tom and I had a good, productive weekend. He expanded Ratsy’s cage. His wire cage is square-shaped. We snipped a small piece of the top off. Just enough of a hole for him to fit through. Now he has two stories and high wire walls to climb. He loves climbing. So now his cage has gone from about one foot high to three feet high. Ratsy was in playing with Velvet while Tom worked. He worked while I babysat.

The only annoyance I had today was a 10-15-minute run-through of someone’s bass pounding far off in the distance. This time, even I, who’s bad with sounds/directions, could tell it was a very loud stereo far away. Not a soft one close by. I can’t wait till we get out of this city, but even so - if someone’s stereo can be heard loud and clear from the one to two miles that that stereo had to be at, what am I going to be able to hear from twenty miles away in another ten years?

I’ll be glad when we move and only have one cat and not two. I get tired of getting startled by the cats suddenly screaming when they fuck, fight, or do whatever it is they do.

Certain sounds I have become more tolerable of, though. Like I said, after something as obnoxious as the ungodly sound of a bass that sounds like hundreds of hammers beating all your walls and ceilings in unison, hearing screaming kids go by doesn’t irk me as much anymore. I can see if it were every day for hours, though, just like the Mormon kids used to give me. That’d get on my nerves, just like the ball games do. So far there haven’t been any ball games, but as soon as it cools down there will be, or in the early evenings anytime now.

So far, it appears that our main theory as far as that bitch goes was correct. Tom told me that as he pulled in from the hardware store, he saw the black bitch walking from the car that was in the carport with keys in her hand. I spied out the music room window shortly after and saw what looked like a basket of clothes sitting on the car. Her washing machine/dryer is outside in a separate little room. After I checked again not too much later, the car was gone and it’s still not there, so it does look like yes, it was a visitor, and the van and white car came to see the visitor. What I can’t believe, though, is that there weren’t tons more door-slamming.

Tom had another theory that sort of made me laugh. He suggested that maybe that was her car she just got, and maybe she was on a get-off-welfare program, has been working for a while, bought the car, and is therefore going to be moving soon. Very, very, very unlikely. I know I’d foresee this. I’d totally sense it. I still say she’s ours till we move. She ain’t going nowhere till after we do. Maybe not too much longer after we do, but as long as she behaves, and as long as I don’t have to be forced into having her evicted, she’s here till we leave at least.

I asked him where he thought she’d be moving to if that were the case. Why move? Why not buy the house she’s in? Because she wouldn’t have the money, he pointed out. Very true. She’d be moving into an apartment. Wouldn’t that be moving backward, I asked? He said, if she were getting off of welfare, that’d be moving ahead. True, if you think about it, but it’s still screwy. You get a house when you’re poor and an apartment when you can make it on your own?

Well, I still highly believe she’ll be a welfare mom till the kid’s at least 18, but of course, by then she’ll have more animals. And besides, if she knew she was moving soon, what the fuck would she care anymore about obeying the city’s orders to shut up? There’d be music galore coming from over there. Well, she’s lucky that that 2-3-minute concert was all I heard, because if I hear anything more than an occasional outburst, I’ll have her evicted, and if she’s planning to move anyway, that’ll be worse for her because then I’d wish I could kill her.

Although I’ve been in similar shoes she’s walking in and have been low-income and know it’s not always a person’s fault that they’re struggling, I have no sympathy for her. She’s just another welfare mom. She’s not disabled in the ways that I am. She can keep schedules and be consistent.

The Haunting was great. Yes, I finished it. It starts in 1910. A devil-worshiping great aunt takes in a mute 16-year-old boy whom everybody considers dumb. Especially back then. They were treated as outcasts. The aunt, who’s a widow, has a 44-room mansion. In a little shed with a dirt floor on the property, lives a couple with two sons and one daughter. The parents do laundry and yard work for the aunt, but mostly in town, for rent. The boys help them. The little 5-year-old girl stays on the property. The aunt ends up killing the little girl, the boy, and the boy’s girlfriend.

Nearly a century later, the reincarnated little girl, who’s currently age 25, comes back to the house, unravels the past tragedies, and then lets the aunt’s ghost kill her to sacrifice the lives of her sister, niece, and nephew, and to destroy the aunt’s spirit.

Evie’s getting to be a pest again with the daily messages. I feel bad for her, though, because like most moms, she’s feeling trapped and she said she told David she needs more time without the kids. She said David said we’ll see. God, I don’t envy her! That poor thing. I can’t imagine having to give up my life, my hobbies, my sleep, my Tom, my animals, my everything for that. Thank you, God, for sterilizing me.

Gee, we go to bed early next door, don’t we? It’s 8:30 now, and when I made a car check just now, I saw that all the lights were off.

Figured out how I’m gonna group my journaling on the computer. I’m gonna have 4 files a year. Say I started at the beginning of the year, for example. I’d have 98winter, 98spring, 98summer, and 98fall. I’m gonna consider January - March winter, April - June spring, July - September summer, and October - December fall. Since I began in June, rather than have June be a file all in itself, I threw that in with July, August, and September and it’s the 98summer file.

Later…

I had to break for something to eat. Yes, it was my third meal of the day. I’m just so fucking sick of being hungry all the time! Tom says that I’ll get used to it in a few months, but I don’t think so, and I just don’t give a shit about getting thin again. First, this new diet plan was fulfilling, but now I’m hungry so much of the time, and I wonder - is rocking really worth it? Sometimes I still feel it’d be best to just let myself go. I know my weight could really climb. Like into the 150s or higher, but it’s just so hard trying to keep my weight right in the 116-119-pound range. I’m back to 120, though, but that’s just life.

Speaking of weight, Lisa’s really upset over her weight. She says she’s up to 149 pounds now and thinks it’s because of her meds. I told her to ask her doctor about her meds. Becky’s a couple of inches taller than her, she says, at 5’ 5”. She also weighs 160. Wow! This is so hard to picture.

Anyway, Lisa called me last night and tonight. Last night, she was on the verge of cutting herself, but fortunately, she reached out to me and got me by phone, and we got her calmed down and laughing, too. I let her know just how proud of her I was that she didn’t cut herself. I told that her each bad time she pulls through without cutting herself, she’ll be stronger and will be proud of herself.

The poor girl has got a lot of problems that are gonna take time to deal with. And so many questions and concerns too, but all of which are normal for a girl her age. She’s got a full plate - her being suicidal, her weight, her smoking, her home life, her meds, her feeling abnormal, her emotions, Bill and other family members, etc.

I believe deep down, though, that she’ll pull through this. She’ll be OK and have a successful enough life. Not without problems. Some of her life will suck and she’ll have long-term problems too, but she’ll survive. I just know it. I doubt she always believes this and feels this way, too, but I know Lisa will make it.

I see what Tom means when he says a kid like her would still be worth it. It’s easy to say I’d never want to deal with a suicidal kid around but look at what a wonderful person she is. I couldn’t imagine my life without Lisa. The thought of being told she died brings tears to my eyes and totally depresses me. I never would’ve thought a kid and I would be this close. That one would tell me things that they don’t even tell their own parents. Still, Lisa is Lisa, and I still have no desire for our own kid whether it was like Lisa or not.

She told me she had problems using tampons and wondered about how she’d be able to have sex when she’s married. She asked about GYNs, and what I thought about sex before marriage. I told her not to worry about the sex when and if she’s married because that’ll work itself out. I told her I understood her concerns, though, and had them myself. I suggested she try KY jelly for the tampons and just try to relax at the GYN. I let her know it’d be uncomfortable, but not painful. As far as sex before marriage - I told her that age, maturity, and being with the right person were more important when it comes to sex than just marriage alone, but that was just my opinion.

When she asked me if I was embarrassed to see a GYN, I told her no and that’s the GYN’s job after all. They see lots of people. This led to me telling her something she didn’t know that I didn’t think she knew, but that I knew she’d be OK with. I told her she should keep it between us, not that I’m embarrassed by it, but that that was all I’d tell her about me for now, since she’s still a kid. I told her I danced topless. She kind of thought it was cool and feels the same way about prostitutes as I do. That’s kind of low, compared to what I did. Then she said it’d be cool to be on the Jerry Springer talk show about this. Yeah, I’m sure she’d find it a riot sitting on national television telling people that she thought it was so cool that her aunt once danced topless.

I called to wish Tammy a happy birthday, who was all giggles. It’s great to hear her sound so happy. I never knew her to be this happy. Ditching Bill was the best thing for her, although I’m sure she’s still a moody, bitchy, negative, shitty mom at times. She told Lisa she’d kick her out if she caught her cutting herself. How sensitive.

She said Mark spoiled her and that last night she didn’t get in till 6:30 in the morning. She got my confetti card and says that most of it is still all over her living room floor.

According to Lisa, who called a few hours ago, her day ended on a sour note. Lisa said they fought about all kinds of things. She said they did make up, but she almost ran away. I asked her where she would’ve run to. She said she didn’t know. I told her again to just tough it out till she graduates. Then she can be on her own and do what she wants.

She said she was upset about Tammy’s coming in at 6:30 in the morning. I asked her if she told her mother that and she said no. So, I told her that she’s got to speak up. Her mom may not know how she feels otherwise. I advised her to tell her mom that she’s happy for her and Mark, but that her coming in at that hour is a bit unnerving for her.

We hit upon the subject of Larry and the parents again. I asked her if she’d had any contact with Larry since I warned her of the shit she could very well face with him in the future, and unfortunately, she admitted to one call. I asked her if he mentioned what was going on with us and she said no. Well, there is nothing going on with us, so to speak, but I wondered if he’d bitch to her about my dumping him. He surprisingly didn’t, but I doubt he’d tell anyone I dumped him. I’m sure he and his parents tell people that they did the dumping, but anyhow, I warned her again of what she could have to go through with Larry. I told her that maybe it was wrong of me, but that I highly recommended she had nothing to do with my folks or Larry. She doesn’t need to associate with people who don’t believe her (my parents didn’t believe Lisa when she tried to tell them that Bill hits her, and Larry thinks he’s Mr. Wonderful, too), that hurt her, and that doesn’t fully accept her as she is. They want her to be, act, and do on their terms only. You know how controlling these people are.

I can understand that at her age, not as used to all this shit, she’s hurting over it. She loves my parents, but as I reminded her, it’s OK to have fond memories and to love them and miss them, but they’re not worth the BS she’ll mostly have to deal with from them. She’s gonna meet enough losers and abusers in her lifetime. She doesn’t need their shit, too.

She was hurt that my folks now have a block on their line rejecting collect calls when they know Lisa calls collect. Boy, they really despise anyone who speaks out against their precious Bill, don’t they? They only love him because he’s Jewish, he has a good job, and he got Tammy out of the house and out of their hair. They loved Tom for similar reasons. They never loved Tom for Tom. They love Tom for taking care of me so they didn’t have to.

Anyway, as I told Lisa, sometimes you have to give up a little bit of goodness in order to give up a lot of badness, that’s just detrimental to us. Here’s an example, in which I told her: Jen and Sandy never did me wrong in any way shape or form. I love them, they have nothing to do with my shit with Larry, but in order to get this asshole out of my life, I had to let them go too. It’s unfortunate that it works out that way at times, but that’s life. We all gotta do what we gotta do, and I’m sure that with time and age, she’ll learn to like herself more and to respect herself. Self-respect is a very important thing to have. Without it, one can really make a lot of mistakes and allow people with negative influences to be a part of their lives.

In a way, thinking of my folks and Larry makes me laugh. They’re so immature. I never really saw and realized just how spiteful, but mostly immature, my folks are till recently. And Larry too, of course, but oh my God! It totally reminds me of high school. You know where you have little cliques. Dureen, as I’d prefer to refer to her from now on, would be the leader of the “popular” group. She’d be the boss, and no one would dare stand up to her. Art would be her little ass kisser with no backbone of his own. Larry would be Dureen’s pal and then they’d do what children do best - pit people against others, bad mouth others, gossip, spread personal shit around, and discuss shit with the wrong people.

Oh, how I wish I’d dumped them years ago!!! What took me so long, huh? What took me so fucking long to thoroughly see these immature, spiteful people for who they really are??? It kind of embarrasses me that I let their shit go on as long as I did and I’m really, really fucking embarrassed, and even pissed at myself, that I let Larry back into my life to fight with me all over again and to cause such mixed emotions a whole decade and 3000 miles later.

I swear, the only “fond” memory I have of Dureen and Art is their sending me out here. If there’s one thing and one thing only that they did good for me, it was that. For a while, I felt like I owed them for that, but no, they owed me that.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15, 1998 Just thought I’d write while I wait for “Jessica’s” clothes to dry. That’s the porcelain doll I stole (I’m washing her clothes) while I was at the Vista. Andy was calling her Stevie because of her long blond hair. I really would’ve preferred that Rapunzel doll. It was so cool looking.

These particular horoscopes that I’ve been checking out on AOL, are basically geared towards work. I’ll still copy them out in 159, though, even if I don’t have a regular job. Guess it’s a male doing it since it revolves around work/money. I’d think that if it were a female, they’d revolve around romance/family.

According to Evie, she began at 115 pounds, then after the kids, she weighed 180. Damn! That’s so typical as sad as it is, though. If I had had a kid at 100 pounds, I’m sure it would’ve left me in the 140s and if I had one now, yeah, I’d probably be left at 180 myself. Or 160 if it were just one kid.

Evie offered for me to use her rowing machine (we were talking about weight/exercise stuff), but I told her no thanks since it didn’t sound like anything that’d fit in a car too easily. I’ll stick to the treadmill.

I don’t want to go back to this daily email thing with her, she says she wants to come and get me or do something with me, I don’t care to get together with her, but I feel obligated to. It’s not that I have a damn thing against her, of course, I’m just not one that likes to be around people like she is. Anyway, Tom and I will probably invite her and the kids over in a couple of weeks on the weekend. It’ll probably be fun, and I haven’t met my nephew yet who’s over a year now.

Tom slaved over the car again today and true to my vibe, the wallpaper/screensaver changer won’t be done today. It works, but not perfect yet.

Tom still thinks that someday, somehow, we’ll have a kid. He thinks it’ll be from my body, but get this, he says we’re too old to adopt an American baby and we’d be given a foreign baby. Not that I’d ever want to adopt, but this makes no sense. If you’re too old for an American baby, you’re too old for any baby.

I asked Tom if I should put off and wait another 6-12 months to settle my natural curiosity (if I can) and go get tested then, or what? He said it’s up to me to do what I want, but he suggested mid-October because then it’ll be cooling down. Yeah, going out to appointments in 105º and up sure is a bitch. Well, I hope mid-October, which sounds good to me, will be it. I hope neither of us makes any excuses to keep putting it off because I know that if I go, I won’t wonder anymore what they would’ve done and what they could’ve told me, and I’ll feel a whole lot better about myself.

Ratsy bit Tom again when he stuck his fingers in the cage. Guess he just doesn’t like anyone who doesn’t feed him.

I can’t tell you how pissed I am to hear that Becky sent me a letter that I never got. I doubt she addressed it wrong, too, and I’m sure that was just one of the many pieces of mail that our illiterate fuck of a mailman misdelivered. Of all the pieces of mail, it had to be that one! Yeah, I’m sure that’s my punishment for delving into the bitch’s mail.

Speaking of the bitch - naughty, naughty! Only for 2-3 minutes, but I don’t know yet how tonight’s gonna be or what I’ll be in store for in the near enough future. Well, once again, her fate depends on her. If she stays or goes, is her call, but like I said, I really would rather not have to have her evicted. I don’t want her to go first and do something to the house, but if she did, Tom says I couldn’t just go to the PO to get her new address. We could get her address, but it’d take a little time. He says it’s now against the law for the PO to give out such info. That should’ve always been against the law, anyway, because people have a right to have their privacy.

I’m sure though, as sure as I am that the sun will set, that we’ll go first. Ever since she came and childishly went off on me, I had a strong premonition that she was it. She and her cronies were our final neighbors.

That pearl van came back again at about 8:30. I heard a lot of voices and door slamming. A little later, I noticed a car in the carport, but couldn’t make out the color. At that time I assumed it was the cock’s and that the time had come that they’d kissed and made up. But why get a U-Haul if you’re gonna be gone just two months, I thought? Well, maybe he didn’t know he’d be gone just two months.

Then, in the midst of hearing stuff being moved out of the van all night (I thought the van had stuff of the cock’s that they were moving in) they gave me a 2-3-minute concert. The second I heard the music, my blood began to boil, and boy did I have to restrain myself to stay in this house! It wasn’t as loud as Caddy Kid’s, but let’s just say that they made their point. They wanted to be heard, and they were heard. It was such an obvious test too, as if to say, hear me, Jodi? Don’t forget we exist Jodi. Acknowledge and notice us, Jodi. You gonna write the city again Jodi?

I knew there’d be occasional attention-getting shit pulled. They’re gonna do stuff periodically to remind me that they’re there, but does this bitch really want to hang onto that house like I was beginning to think? I knew I’d be compensated for all this quiet time I’ve been soaking up, but we’ll see. We’ll see what happens, but like I said, I hope that sick bitch wants to stay there. It’s up to her.

At 10:30 the van left. That was the only concert so far. The car in the carport turned out to be a white car that Tom never saw before. He was out test-driving the car when he saw it, but he didn’t think to look at the plate. He said he heard them packing stuff or doing something in the carport at 6 AM. At first I reminded Tom that the cock’s a car dealer, so it could’ve changed cars for the thousandth time, but as Tom pointed out, he’s never gone bopping around the carport that early. And there’s the van to think of too, then a picture formed with Tom’s help. This white car was visiting from out of state. The van people not only know this bitch, but they know her company, too, so that’s why they were hanging about.

That’s the problem with this bitch - she knows too many people. But it makes sense, though, because the more of an asshole you are, the more people you know, because most people are assholes. How much out-of-state company is this freeloader gonna have? And how long are these people gonna be here? What kind of noise am I in for? No car has been there since I got up at 7:30, but what shit am I in for tonight? Well, I’ll surely let you know. I don’t have a bad vibe right now, but shouldn’t I? Well, I just hope it is a very occasional outburst and nothing more. It could’ve been that she had nothing to do with the little concert and that her friends did it to piss me off. See, she obviously told her pals to be quiet once the city complained, but these van people could’ve been drunk, or just in the mood to fuck with me for a good laugh. It’s not them who’d be risking eviction, and her friends would be sick enough to do that. Her friends have no respect for her. They’re not true friends. They could care less about her, and the same goes for how she feels about her friends. If she were asked by one of her “friends” to turn the music down, think she would? Hell no! She’d pitch a fit, act as if she were asked to hang her kid, then she’d probably dump them. The same goes for if she asked something like that of her friends. Obviously, she has, but if you think she didn’t get hell for it, in a sense, think again. They reacted as if she asked them to kill their loved ones, trust me. If she asked them to keep the music down due to the city complaints, they’d be just as quick as she and her wonderful guy were to ignore her and do what they wanted.

Tom said that no, they’re not obsessed with me, and they don’t deliberately do shit to me. Well, I disagree, of course. I think they like to provoke me, they like to get a reaction, etc. However, one that has no respect to think of their neighbor’s reasonable request to lower their music, does show that they’re incapable of thinking of and of considering others. They may not even be able to consider/think of me, anyway. They’re just too naturally selfish for that.

Tom said it’d be better if they didn’t see me spying on them. Well, if I’m right, and attention is what they want, they should get off on seeing me spy on them. This is how it’s gonna be, though, because I don’t care. I don’t give a shit about them and therefore, if they see me spying, they see me spying. If not, that’s fine, too.

Later…

OK, the white car is in the carport, but the van’s nowhere to be seen still, fortunately. Since the car’s in the carport, I guess it’s safe to say that it’s in for the night. Now all I have to do is hope the van or any other vehicles don’t come slamming about or playing music. Hopefully, the van people got to see the white car people as they wanted to and will be out of the picture for a while. Also hopefully, this person isn’t a new roommate and will just be here for the weekend, then will fuck off till the bitch’s next out-of-state company blows in (if that’s really what this is)! Once again, though, why does everyone have to come see the bitch? Can’t the bitch go see them?

Last night, before I noticed the car parked in the carport, I saw someone walk through the carport (it was close to dark, though, so I couldn’t see who the fuck it was) and I thought, oh shit! The people in the van just hauled her in a big dog and she’s going to the back to rig it up, but then I realized I didn’t hear any barking. If this bitch does get a dog, though, it’s out of here, and more than likely so is she. If she got a dog last night, it would have been rigged to the car in the carport all night just a few feet from the bedroom window, of course, the little fuck!

I know Labor Day will be no different than the last two, whether the cock’s moved back in or not. There’ll still be a scene from over there. I don’t know if the cock will visit or not, but the pearl van will, and others.

I did the laundry, I did the dishes, I walked, so now I’m gonna go relax with this wonderful book I’m reading!

Later…

Current report - a white car with heavy black trim, that I believe I’ve seen before, just pulled in. No music, just a couple of horn honks. I’m still too stressed to concentrate on reading here, till I know what the fuck’s going on over there for sure, or until the vehicles die off. It smells so good over there. I think it’s coming from over there, anyway. It smells like they got some good chink food over there. I’m shocked that the bitch hasn’t been spending more time with her never-ending slew of company outdoors in the heat, blabbing away with their loud mouths.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 1998 I’ve never been so pissed over not getting my period! Tom says it’s the water pills that are fouling things up. But I only took 3 water pills and the last one was days ago. If my period needs water to hitch off, then what’s it waiting for? I’ve got plenty of water on me. In fact, I could easily end up gaining a pound a day of water if I don’t get my period soon enough. My tits aren’t sore, but I sure feel like I’m getting it at times. I could swear I’ve felt cramps beginning. Well, I’ve been late before for my period and my cycle’s been erratic anyway, for the last several months. It’s just that it’s always when you no longer need or want something that you sometimes get it. Please, God! I do not want a child. Please don’t make my plumbing work. Please don’t make me give up my life, please! I love life too much nowadays and I need my freedom. I’ve been through enough physically and mentally. Go give the kid to some other woman who doesn’t want it, but spare me, please! Let me live. Let me sleep.

Logically speaking, I know I can count on God to not dish out stuff to me that I couldn’t handle. I can’t count on God to be fair, to let me weigh what I want to weigh, to not kill my husband, but I can count on him to spare me from motherhood and all its burdens.

Speaking of getting things I wanted too late - where was this call rejection thing when the freeloaders were calling? You can turn right around and block out an anonymous call you got even without knowing the number. So, after getting the first call, I could’ve just blocked them right out. I didn’t mind their calls that much, though, but it was Tom I was worried about. I didn’t want him to know they were calling because he had enough to worry about, and something like that may worry him more than it’d ever worry me. Besides, being blocked out by me may have only made them more determined to talk to me about racial harmony and they could’ve been hurt bad and I could’ve ended up in jail. Because you know that if they’d have pushed hard enough and perhaps came to the door, I’d have killed every single one of them right then and there.

Later…

Typical Andy. Not a word of sympathy over Bunny (I had left him a message about it). As usual, he’s so into himself and what’s going on with him. It was all about how he and Michelle went to the gay bar and they got attention with Andy’s tambourine. How immature. I mean, that was fine for years ago, but is Andy ever gonna grow up? Is he gonna be doing this when he’s 80? I swear that guy’s living the same life he’s always lived ever since I’ve known him. The only difference is that he’s in Arizona. But he’s still a waiter, still on the phone, still smoking pot and cigarettes, still alone, still wanting the impossible, and going about trying to get the impossible in the wrong ways and in the wrong places. Fantasies are great, but we all have to live in reality while we fantasize. Fantasies can’t be brought to the reality side of life. I used to think you could turn fantasies into reality when I was young and naïve, but the two are separate. You’re either dealing with pure reality or pure fantasy. If Andy would stop trying to mix the two and trying to make his dreams into reality, he may have an easier and better life. Dreams are dreams. Reality is reality.

Yesterday’s trip to the dentist was pleasant, but not so pleasant. It was nice seeing Charlene, Gary, the black lady, Melanie’s gorgeous face, and people I knew. These aren’t strangers anymore. Charlene’s friendlier than Melanie in ways that she’s more outgoing and talkative.

I told her I felt bad for her what with having to clean my teeth with the braces, but she said she didn’t mind. She thought it was nice that I thought of her, though. Nonetheless, the cleaning wasn’t the bitch I thought it’d be. It didn’t take longer than usual. She just took the wires and bands off, then cleaned them as usual, even though they had brackets on the centers of the top teeth (she thought I had braces on the bottom, too).

We were jokingly saying how she beat me up since she pinched my lip and pulled my hair by accident at one point.

Then Dr. Smith came in and sure enough, he said I had a cavity on a corner of one tooth. So, I’m gonna be getting that filled on the 1st, when I go to see Melanie. I highly doubt that there’s a cavity, though. But like I said, doctors will do anything to make an extra buck. Tom says the only thing that makes him skeptical is how I hadn’t been to a dentist in 10 years, then all the teeth that happened to have fillings were ones being pulled, and now I have fillings in teeth that aren’t being pulled. I can expect this every time I have a cleaning. No matter where I go, they’ll tell me every six months when I have my cleanings that I’ve got some sort of cavity. Most of which will be fictitious.

Then they took an x-ray of the tooth, and Melanie and the black lady (name?). Were waiting for me. I looked at Melanie and asked, “You gonna hurt me again?” She just laughed and Charlene joked about her being in a weird way when she laughs like that.

Yes, Melanie really hurt me. God, did it hurt! She had to put big-time pressure on that tooth and although the pain was only for 2-3 minutes, it sure felt like a hell of a lot longer.

She asked me if I got any more animals and I told her our rabbit died.

After the torture, we were standing at the counter as Tisha, or whatever the hell her name is, was looking for an appointment time for me and I commented on how tall she is. She said she’s 5’ 8”. Taller than her husband.

She also said that hopefully they’ll do the filling first so I’ll be numb when I see her, but nope. I’ll be seeing her first and even if I were numb, I don’t think it’d be close enough to where she’s got to apply such horrendous pressure. Wish she’d numb me every time, though!

I asked her if she had any idea how long it’d be before I didn’t have to see her every two weeks and she said she didn’t know, but that it’d be a while. Thank God she’s at least good-looking!

Speaking of that gorgeous Melanie, boy did I have quite a dream about her last night! I was in some huge building in a room far away from where there were a lot of people and it was getting dark. I don’t know why I was thinking that I should leave the room before it got dark and why I couldn’t just turn on a light, but anyway, as I started to leave, someone went running down the hall I was about to step into. They were breathing hard. It was fearful breathing. Like they too, wanted to get out of the darkened, deserted area. I called out something and saw it was Melanie and she said, “It’s me.” Next thing I know, she’s kissing me passionately on the lips and we were in a big, bright, crowded room. I remember wondering how she’d feel if she knew that all these people could see us kissing, then I awoke.

I inactivated the anonymous call reject and put the freeloader bitch’s number on our rejection list. So, if they call from another anonymous phone, fine. I’ll just block that, too. I’m sure Andy will like being able to just dial in, without having to punch other buttons first. Hope that doesn’t inspire him to call more, either!

Tom did his duty in life - worked on the car. He ate, watched TV, did some computer stuff, and then he lay in bed with the cordless headphones and listened to a discussion on hypnosis while I read.

I love this book I’m reading. The Haunted by Ruby Jean Jensen is great. After I finish it, I’ll discuss it here.

Lastly, we screwed. Naturally, he was too tired to get on top, let alone get off, but as long as he gets in there, sex is perfect.

Later…

God, this little shit next door is getting more confusing these days. The silver car that usually picks her up/drops her off just pulled in. I ran into the music room and although I only saw her from the neck down to just below the elbow, I knew it was her. Her arm’s as big as my thumb, that’s how skinny she is. She appeared to be walking a little kid. I thought she walked her kid into the house and that the car would leave, but just after I saw her go into the house with what I thought was the kid, her father came out of the house and got the kid. What? Has she got two little ones now? Or was she carrying something heavy or bulky?

Later…

That pearl-colored van pulled up quietly at the freeloaders at a little past 5:00. It’s still there now, too.

This has been a bloodless period. All cramps and no blood, but when the blood does come, I hope it’s enough to flush this water off of me. In other words, I hope I don’t have a half-assed period, although I suppose it really makes no difference. My water level’s gonna fluctuate no matter what, but if I can stay in between the 116-119 pounds I believe I’ll be staying at - great.

I just heard one loud door slam and if it was next door, as I’m sure it was, it ain’t budging yet. Pearly’s still parked there.

I take that back. It just left. After a deliberate, loud mother-fucking slam that sounded like it was gonna come through these fucking walls, it left with no music. Well, at least we’ve finally learned our lesson about the music after what? 2½ years? Of course, that’s subject to change, but hey, if it does, I’ll be dialing them a 30-day notice to fuck off and out of here.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 13, 1998 Maintaining the same weight of approx. 116-119 pounds is a piece of cake. What with how I get stuck here and there and watery before my period, I can count on being set back from 116 pounds to 119 pounds. Yesterday I woke up at 116 pounds, but by the end of the day, I was 119 pounds because I didn’t shit that day. I’m also due for my period today, so even though I finally shit today, I’m still at about 118 pounds because I’m pretty watered down. I hope my period isn’t too late. I don’t want to take any more water pills this month because if I do, my period will be too half-assed. I want to let it do its job fully and clean me out of water, etc.

I know God would never do this to me, since he’s always made sure not to give me any more than I could handle, but it’s ironic how just yesterday I was saying, “Watch. Now that I stopped wanting a kid, God will give me one.” Tom was talking about how maybe when we move and aren’t in such a need for me to do all I can to ensure I sleep, we’ll be able to sleep together. I know that’s just a dream, though. God would never let me be normal enough to sleep with my husband, so thank God he loves me and wants to be with me forever anyway.

Nonetheless, that’s what started our discussion about the weird way things work out. Even though my logical side knows God would never stick me with a kid, there’s always that fear in the back of my mind. What if he makes my plumbing normal? God can do anything. What if we just happen to hit the odds and hit it right? God can make sure one of his sperm and one of my eggs meet no matter when we screw. So, I guess that until I hit menopause, these fears will always be lurking deep within my subconscious, but still, most women would envy me. They’d kill to have their own little built-in birth control system that they could depend on more so than any human-made birth control device.

Lisa called this morning, and thankfully, she didn’t cut herself again. She was upset over some boy in school taking the easy way out, as most people do. This boy can’t handle her problems and basically only wants to stick around when she’s all smiles. When she has problems, that’s a whole different story. So I reminded her that if someone can’t accept her as she is, through her good times and her bad times, then they’re not worth it. I told her also, that I understand that these things hurt at her age (till she gets used to it) and that her feelings are normal. The poor girl feels anything but normal now. My heart really goes out to her.

Later…

God’s doing what he does best - breaking the car so that Tom has to do yet another round of car work. God’s favorite pastime, I’ll tell you!

The silver Caddy, which I think is really a Chrysler New Yorker (I’m so bad with cars) just pulled in and dropped the bitch off, and I also saw a car parked on the street. It looked like it could’ve been that dark blue car. I think that’s the cock’s roommate.

Our insurance doesn’t cover the new allergy pills I’m taking (Claritin). It fucking figures, huh? So, we went and picked up several samples at the doctor’s office.

I would get into my little trip to the dentist, but I’m kind of wiped out now and just want to read, so I’ll get into it tomorrow.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12, 1998 I haven’t taken a water pill since the day before yesterday, am due for my period tomorrow, and woke up at 116 pounds.

Tomorrow’s gonna suck. I always look forward to seeing Melanie, but I’m gonna be there for fucking ever! Tomorrow’s the double whammy. Charlene’s gonna clean my teeth before I see Melanie, and I’ll probably be there for at least an hour, maybe more.

Tom says they’ll tell me I have one cavity like they always do when I get my teeth cleaned. Well, if they do, that’ll be getting rather obvious. If they tell a person they’ve got a cavity every time they get a cleaning, then it’s obvious that they’re just trying to make an extra buck and that most of these cavities are non-existent.

Yesterday my allergies were so bad! A nightmare! It got to the point where my nose was so stuffed up that I couldn’t taste anything, I couldn’t lay down flat, and I really thought I had a cold. I give up on trying to identify what it is because every time I think I know what it is, the thing that I thought was it doesn’t bother me. Nonetheless, I cleaned all the animal’s cages. The mice, the pig, and the rat.

I think I have an idea as to what could be a more effective way to lose weight than the walking and low-cal diet plan. It’s the running bursts, I think. See, I don’t just walk, but I also add spurts of running, too.

I forgot to say that about a week or two ago when Andy came to grab Laura’s clothes, he had no problems shutting the gate, and even admitted that yes, it was probably him who left the door open because he forgot to slide the bar across the latch. That was nice of him. Still, I can’t wait till we move away from this old-fashioned crap.

The gas company painted our little tangle of gas pipes that’s out back. We don’t know why. Guess they were doing something with it. I wonder what the gas and electric meter readers must think when they see a rabbit in our yard?

Later…

I have some sad news. Bunny’s dead. Tom discovered him in between a clump of hedges, and we buried him out back by one of his favorite trees. For about a week, he hadn’t looked too good. He seemed weak and kind of out of it. He wouldn’t even eat the graham cracker I gave him a couple of days ago. He loved graham crackers. Tom said that from the looks of it, he was killed by a cat. He was going to die anyway, as rabbits and rodents typically live 2-3 years and they get weak and out of it and stop eating the week before they die, but the cat finished things off quickly. We think it was Daddy Cat. Mama cat wouldn’t be so hungry (none of Bunny was eaten, according to Tom) since female cats are better hunters, White Paws is too little and is sort of weak herself since she hardly eats, and Blackie certainly wouldn’t do it because he and Bunny loved each other. Blackie was sad, too, as if he knew his friend was gone. As Tom said, it’s an instinct for certain animals to prey upon weak and vulnerable animals and kill them just to kill them. As Tom also pointed out, it may have ended poor Bunny’s suffering a lot quicker, too.

In better news, Tom’s in good health, thank God. He got a letter back from the doctor saying all was fine and to come back in a year.

Remember how I said I told God the other day that I’d take Caddy Kid in exchange for weight loss? Well, Caddy kid banged by loud and clear twice today. His usual times are at 7:40 AM, 1 PM, and sometimes in the early evenings.

Mom’s finally decided to go ahead and sell her house, but I still have to see this to believe it. I kind of felt that the house wouldn’t sell till after she was gone. However, after I had time to soak up what Tom was telling me, I had a vibe that the house would go next February or March, but we’ll see. I still vibe that she’ll live to the age of 77, but not according to the doctor. Even Tom said she’s been bad and has been falling down lately.

Anyway, all that’s in the house is now fair game. Then Tom (of course he has to be the one to do most of the work) is gonna prep the house for a Realtor. Ma’s gonna take the first offer she gets, so it oughta go fast. We won’t be getting the $300 a month that Ma’s been giving us to look out for the house once it’s gone, but I think it’s best that the house goes. I’ve pretty much always felt that way since Dad died.

I asked Tom what I could do to help him and he said just supporting him would help him. That’ll be easy enough. Way easier to deal with than when his father was dying. Things are different now. I love to see Tom every day and to talk with him. I couldn’t imagine not seeing him every day, but back then I wanted sex every day and wanted a kid and was like, maybe. Just maybe I’m not sterile after all. Maybe God was just waiting for the perfect time to let me get pregnant and maybe a kid is in my destiny and maybe I really can handle it and he knows this. Now that I’m not a nympho anymore, and now that I’m facing the reality of my sterility 100% and realizing just how blessed I am to be sterile, I can let him go a lot easier and let him be tied up elsewhere a while. I’ll still see him regularly enough, so it’s OK.

I called my doctor’s office and left a message for someone to call me back. Some guy called back, and I told him about my allergies and how some days I’m fine, others I’m not, I take Benadryl, but Benadryl makes me drowsy. So, he’s calling in a prescription for a new allergy pill that’s supposed to be great. Tom mentioned it to me the other day, too. It’s supposed to not cause drowsiness and you only take one pill a day, too. He’s calling in a month’s worth and says to call if there are any problems. Oh, I hope to hell this works!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 1998 This must be the longest I’ve gone in between writing in a long time. A whole 4 days! That’s because (I’m trying to get out of the “cuz” habit and write properly). I’ve been busy as hell, but things have been great.

Most of what’s kept me tied up is the computer work I’ve been doing. I have only nine more journals to proofread! I told Tom to thank Mary for me for proofreading them. That’s the name of the lady’s voice I have my talking lips set to. There’s Mary, Mike, Brutus, Freddie, and variations of these voices.

I had Tom switch me back to Windows ‘95. Windows ‘98 sucks and even Tom agrees with me. I hate its sliding menus. Also, there’s no point in my being able to choose two colors for my active and inactive title bars when the damn thing only displays one color half the time.

Before I get into my big project I was doing - another quiet, freeloaderless, doorless, dogless weekend. With or without him in the picture, though, I know I’m gonna have to deal with winter noise. Meaning that as soon as it cools down, the kids are gonna play ball regularly enough. God’s gonna compensate me for sure for these quiet months because that’s how it always works. I always have to pay for every little blessing I get.

I told God, though, that he could stick Caddy Kid on me all he wanted to if he’d let me lose more weight. This weight-loss thing is going so slow that I’m virtually positive my weight’s settled at what it’s comfy at and is gonna stay at (116-119). Anyway, the day before I told God I’d take Caddy Kid for weight loss since I have to pay for everything, I heard him for the first time in a while. I thought someone was knocking on the door, till I looked out and saw him banging by. But ever since, I haven’t heard from him. That’s fine with me, though, because I still can’t stand it when he goes pounding by, and losing weight isn’t as important as it once was.

Later…

Lisa called a while ago, and I love the different ringtone for long-distance calls. (part of that new package) it rings intermittently for long-distance calls, thank God, or else I’d have ignored the phone and written it off as one of our many sales calls. I cannot believe how persistent these salespeople are. I’ve never seen or heard of anything like it before and neither have others I’ve talked to. Maybe God really is paying me back. First he took away my sleep for taking it away from hundreds of others. Now, he’s annoying me with the phone for annoying hundreds of others.

Anyway, Lisa cut herself again and went back to smoking (I don’t know if she ever really quit to begin with). I told her the same things I’ve told her before about why she shouldn’t be cutting herself or smoking. All I can do is hope that it’ll sink in in time and that it won’t take something as big as window-jumping to get her to learn her lesson.

Here I am, finally without the anger that I’ve had for years over the uncles, Larry, the parents, and now I have to deal with my anger towards Bill. Meaning that I finally either find ways to deal with and flush out my anger towards these people, or let time dissipate it and now I’m replaced with how much I want to kill Bill. God really is bound and determined to replace every single problem I fix or that just goes away on its own, isn’t he? If I were 100 pounds tomorrow, the next day there’d be a new problem waiting for me. If we won the lottery, we’d be inflicted with health problems for sure. Anyway, and like I said, the parents, uncles, and brother, are all in the past, but boy would I love to kick Bill’s ass to hell and back! If only he knew just how lucky he is that I’m so far away.

I find I often have scary, but mainly sad thoughts of Tom dying. No, I’m not talking about vibes or premonitions of any kind. Just thoughts. They’re so sad that they make me cry. You know I couldn’t live without my Tom. Still, I wish these thoughts would go away. They’re so utterly depressing! Just thinking about him dying makes me cry, so that should tell you all the more, just how quickly I’d kill myself if he really did die. Well, if God wants me to die by hanging myself, he’ll let Tom be killed. He knows this. In fact, I told God that if there was only one prayer he’d grant me from here on out, it’d be to let me be the one to die first. Everything else after that is just extra. I’d be enormously fat, based to holy hell, and have all kinds of shit/problems before I ever lived without Tom. Even if I could survive on my own (and I couldn’t because of my schedule problem) there’d be no life without Tom.

Tom and I made a new little sex plan. So far it’s been working out fine, but you know that’ll change. Whatever it is that’s up there, that’s always been so bound and determined to hex me sexually, will get in the way yet again.

The new plan is to screw every Friday and every Monday. Those are the two days that our schedules shouldn’t prevent us from getting together. We can have sex on other days, too, but we’re starting with these two days for sure to see if it helps the irritation I’ve had. As I told him, I can’t keep going through that. We need to either have sex or have no sex at all. So far, he’s been letting himself in there and that’s the only thing I care about. As long as he either gets in there or says he’d rather not, I don’t care how the sex turns out. In fact, now that he knows I’m dead serious about not having a kid and that that’s no longer something I want, he’ll probably never cum again which is fine with me. Not because I have any doubts about my sterility, but because I know he’s just as happy with not cumming, and because of the mess it makes.

I had Ratsy in Velvet’s cage for a while. It was cute how they played together. Right now, I’ve got Ratsy’s wire cage inside of Velvet’s Plexiglas cage, since Ratsy would only jump out of Velvet’s cage. Plus, he likes to climb the wire. Tom said he had a good idea for modifying Ratsy’s cage, in his message to me before he split for work, but he didn’t get into it. Well, he ought to be home soon enough.

Now for my big project. Tom expects to have his wallpaper/screensaver changer program done by Saturday. Meanwhile, I made a couple of new wallpaper/screensaver schemes. I wish I’d done this a long time ago because it is sooo cool! It started with me making Tom a little present. After all, he’s made and done for me computer-wise, I thought it was high time I returned the favor. So, I scanned in all kinds of family pictures with relatives of ours on both sides of the family. Minus the folks and Larry, of course. I did start to put in a few of Dad, but then I deleted them. I have pictures of Jen and Larry Jr. Both of us really liked this. Doing the family pictures inspired me with more ideas, so then I went on to make a folder of journal covers, too! I scanned all but about forty covers since there were some duplicates. Also, some were just too ugly for scanning. So now I have three different sets. The ones with Gloria and Norah. The family pictures. And the journal covers.

Later…

They say ignoring a troublemaker is the best way to deal with one, but I disagree. I’ve always learned that facing the troublemaker is the only way to deal with one. Well, it may not be a perfect solution all the time, but you sure as hell have a better chance of getting trouble off your back if you face it, rather than turn your back on it. And if you are gonna turn your back on it, you should face it first. So, instead of ignoring the first sales call of the day, I picked up and said, “Look, you’ve been calling consistently now for years…” then the woman asked me if I knew who she was. She said she needed to talk to Tom about his American Airlines account (the one he doesn’t even have) and I told her to go to hell and quit calling. Again, it ups my chances of getting these assholes off my ass, but for the most part, these salespeople just don’t get it and they just don’t give up. She’ll call again tomorrow. Even so, it feels good to get my frustration out on these persistent assholes every now and then.

I wish I could be just as persistent as they are with not snacking in between meals, but it’s so hard. It started off easier than the one meal a day, but now it’s gotten hard again. I still have more energy, I’m still walking, but I’m back to being hungry a lot. My body’s constantly crying out for the food and pounds it naturally craves, but I’d really rather not let myself get back into the 120s again, because then rocking will be hard again. It never ends, though. All this slavery just to stay where I am now in the first place! Why oh why did I quit smoking? What a waste. I just threw away one problem for a new one, but like I said earlier, that’s how it always is with me. Everything in my life was predestined to have a certain balance of - and + in my life. At least I can say, though, that my life has never been better than it is today. I feel more at peace nowadays, than I ever have before. I’m not dying to have lots of things I can never have. Instead, there’s just one thing I’d really like, which is to move, and that’s a done deal. Meaning, that is possible, that is destined, and it’s gonna happen someday. As for the weight - it’s OK if I lose or stay where I am so long as I don’t get too much bigger to where I can’t rock.

No, I certainly don’t miss the loneliness, the aloneness, the struggling, the addiction to Navane, the wanting a woman, the wanting to be a singer, the high sex drive I couldn’t satisfy with Tom, the wishing sex could end with him cumming, the wanting a kid, the wanting to quit smoking (I know that if I still smoked I’d still be thin, but my lungs would always be just as shitty as they were back then), and a million other things, like my parents and Larry.

If this were a year or so ago that we were in the position we’re in now, I’d have run to the doctor about my sterility in a heartbeat, even though I’d still come out of it without a baby. Now? I’m not even curious about finding out why I’m sterile anymore. If it was as easy as snapping my fingers to obtain the info that’d be different. A part of me feels obligated to go for testing because of how Tom took the time to switch us to Intergroup for its broader infertility programs, but I just don’t want to go. My heart’s just not in it, and I’m tired. First it was the ear, then asthma, then the ear again, then the braces, and lots of colds and flues and infections along the way. I’m just tired. Tired of the medical roller coaster.

Later…

freeloader update - at noon I heard a door slam, and shortly after, Tom came in and said El Cocko was parked in the carport. It left quietly without a door slam not too long afterward. Not one beat of music. And you know damn good and well that if this were in the past, he’d have come banging in. Tom believes that our city letters did the trick as far as the music goes and I think he’s right, although it’s sad that people won’t do right when a neighbor asks them to, but only when the city does. They’ll lower their music for the city, but not for a neighbor! I disagree with him on why he’s not living there, but I hope he’s right because if he is, it may lower the chances of him coming back, although I highly doubt it. I’m sure he’ll be back at some point. Anyway, I think that he moved out because they had a fight. He thinks it’s because of the letters. He thinks that by the time they got the second letter, they realized how serious we were and really checked into it and pushed to have him move out.

OK, say Tom’s right. No retaliation, though? I’d think that if his moving out really had to do with us, that they’d know it and that they’d try to pull some shit on us. Well, maybe they know it just won’t do them any good, and maybe the bitch really doesn’t want to lose her house, which is cool with me. As long as next door’s quiet and not distracting me and interfering with my everyday living, I don’t give a fuck who lives over there.

Wish we’d sent those letters in March of ‘96, though!

Measles was on the patio all by herself just now, so I gave her some of Tweety’s food.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 7, 1998 Here we go again with the allergies. I got up at 7 PM, but by 11 PM, I was so sick of sneezing that I took a Benadryl. That, of course, knocked me out for a couple of hours. My oh-so-horny-all-the-time husband lay down with me and we chatted till we both knocked off. He eventually moved out onto the couch, though, so I wouldn’t have to listen to his goddamn snoring.

I told him I was dead serious about the all-or-nothing sex. If we can’t do it full-time, regardless of how it pans out, then we can’t do it at all cuz I can’t keep going through this irritation I get. I know God will do all he can to see that we don’t stick to the plans we made of having sex on Fridays and Mondays, but I can’t keep up with that shit. It really hurts to have to feel like a virgin being broken into every week or two or more, then having a few days of irritation, then doing it all again. That cycle has to be broken.

I’m still a bit groggy, so I ate, walked, and now I’m having caffeine coffee to hopefully bring me back to life. I feel like I could just lie in bed for hours doing nothing but staring at the ceiling, and you know just lying around still doing nothing, isn’t me. Well, I’m not as out of it as I could be.

I absolutely can’t believe that my brother didn’t either read the letter and call me about it or send it back unread. This tells me that there’s a damn good chance he just threw the letter away as soon as he got it without even opening it, let alone reading it. That’s OK cuz we can part now with no hard feelings. Meaning that since I got to express myself this time around, I can let him go without the anger and anxiety. My emotions have gone dormant now, and that’s what I always wanted as far as my family is concerned. Now I can move on without them and without them haunting my emotions and thoughts. They’re people I remember, that I knew for years, that brought me both good things, as well as a lot of pain, but now just like Jai, Jenny, Jessie, Steve, etc., they’re in the past. No more bitter and negative emotions. Just memories. Just like with the people I just mentioned, they can live their lives as they please. They can think, say, do, and believe anything their hearts desire.

What’s the point of having Caller Reject if you can’t reject certain numbers? Tom got a package deal on phone services. They’re cheaper than what we’ve got now, even if we’ll never really use them. I went to block out Larry’s number anyway, and it wouldn’t let me block that number. What? Does it only block local calls?

THURSDAY, AUGUST 6, 1998 I put Ratsy in the smaller aquarium last night just for variety. I was wrong when I said it’d be nice to have a duplicate set of tubes/cages that the mice have. He’s just too big for them. It was so cute and so funny how he ran back and forth in anticipation of getting some lettuce when I got up. Just like a dog waiting eagerly for food/attention. At one point, he was jumping up and down and hitting his head on the bottom of the maze (which sits on top of this aquarium).

Anyway, we’re gonna modify Ratsy’s cage. The pink and white wire one.

I made some Norah posters earlier, just for something different and fun to do. They’re pretty neat looking. We could’ve made time for sex instead, but neither of us wanted to that bad it seems.

Tom was coming down with another one of his many colds (actually, I’m surprised he hasn’t had more by now), but I guess it never turned out to be much of a cold. His doctor said there was a lot going around now. At this time of year? How odd. He ended up with a different doctor than I’ve got. He said she was nice.

When asked if there were any problems with intercourse, he said no. Yeah, I knew he would. I knew he wouldn’t mention the near never cumming, cuz as I always believed, it was never a problem for him. He’s happy if he cums, he’s happy if he doesn’t, but that’s good. I feel the same way now. Especially now that I don’t want a kid and especially since I know he’s happy either way. So I agree - he can cum, he cannot cum. As long as he’s happy. What they really mean, anyway, when they ask this question, is if a guy can get a hard-on. Well, he’s certainly never had a problem with that. Like I said, I don’t think a doctor would ever ask about cumming like they would hard-ons, cuz if you can get hard, you can cum. It’s all psychological and getting hard without cumming much is very rare. Oh, he’s common, though. Most guys, either consciously or subconsciously, don’t want kids. Where Tom’s rare, though, is that most guys consciously know if they don’t want a kid and they aren’t afraid to say so.

Later…

How wonderful it’s been without Caddy Kid blasting by 2-3 times a day. Lately, he hasn’t been around. It’ll be back, though. It seems to come and go.

The usual weekday routine is still going on next door. I still don’t know for sure if it’s every day, cuz my schedule isn’t always on days, of course. Nonetheless, at 7:15, in comes the silver Caddy. The freeloader pulls up on the street, grabs the kid and leaves, then the bitch hops in the Caddy and off it goes, too. I cannot believe these freeloaders’ consistency! Even I could never be that consistent.

I think I know just what happened, though. I figured that the cock either went home to mommy and daddy or moved into an apartment with a guy pal and is roomies with him. The second is the more likely thing. I think he drove his gray car over to his new apt. His roomie took him back to the house here in his dark blue car. He drove the U-Haul over to the apt., while the roomie drove back in the car and together they moved him in. God, please don’t let me see that U-Haul again! And if I do, please let it be right when we’re moving.

I know this is pure fantasy, cuz the cock’s gonna be back sooner or later and I’ll have to listen to whatever door slams, dogs, company, and ball games he’ll bring in, but I wish things could stay as they have been till we move. It’s been great. If she could just stay there herself, like she’s supposed to, then all I’d have to deal with till we moved would be neighborhood kids coming to use the basketball hoop. I really hope she or anyone connected with her doesn’t act up, as I said, cuz then I’ll just get her evicted and you know I’d rather not. I want her to stick around for a certain delivery to be made.

I took out the two soundproof panels and the tin foil that was in the music room window. I did this cuz the only function that the two panels were serving was to block out light. (Watch. Now that I’ve pulled these out, the bitch will replace her burnt bulb in the carport. I hated when that thing would glare on and off while relaxing to music). Anyway, a little light won’t kill me, and that security light also has helpful functions once it’s replaced.

It’s just that I miss spying, even if there’s nothing really going on to spy on. I can also put a glass of water on the windowsill now while I’m on the walker, and can reach it from the walker. Before, I had to keep jumping off it to get a drink.

I’m only in that room to listen to music and to walk and no noise could bother me when I’m doing that, cuz I couldn’t hear it anyway over the music or fan. The bitch may hear me singing at night, but you know I’m now a true Arizonan who couldn't care less about her neighbors. And if I were asked a reasonable request, why I would just flip, right? I’d be such a true Arizonan and act like I didn’t give a fuck. I’d ignore their request and go further and act as if they asked me to kill my husband or something as horrible as that.

Later…

The bitch and kid left quickly and quietly this morning. If that teenage boy or anyone else lives there, it’s completely unknown to me. Anyway, all I heard was a few seconds of talking. At one point, in her usual pissed-off tone, I thought I heard her say “I thought I told you…” presumably to the cock.

So, did the cock move out cuz he and the bitch were fighting? Or cuz he’s not supposed to be there? I’d say it was cuz they’re having one of their fights. If it were cuz he wasn’t supposed to be there, then why did it take a whole year for them to catch on and order him out of there? Nonetheless, they’ll kiss and make nicey soon enough.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 1998 Andy told me something funny that Melanie, Andy and Michelle’s friend, said last night while I was on the phone with her, but that I didn’t hear. It’s hard to hear over all the typing I was doing and with the voice thing going. Andy said she asked, “What race are you? A man or a woman?” That one’s nice. I jokingly asked Andy earlier, “What religion are you? Black or white?”

Andy also says Gloria has a new album out called Gloria. I guess it’s in English. I’ll have to check it out, although I’m sure it’ll suck. Each album an artist puts out gets worse and worse.

Tom went to the doctor today for a check-up. Finally! I’m really proud of him. I kind of feel obligated to get tested now, since he did switch insurance cuz this one’s supposed to have more stuff for that, and since he sort of got checked for that, but guess what? I don’t want to. I just don’t care to find out just what makes me sterile anymore these days. I’m just not all that curious anymore and I certainly don’t want a kid anymore. Thank God! I don’t know what I’m going to do, though. We’ll see. First, I want to get out of the bi-weekly appointments with Melanie before I decide whether or not to take on any more appointments. After the ear, then the teeth, asthma, etc., it kind of gets old.

On the 24th Tom’s going to Vegas. The bank’s sending him. Unfortunately, I can’t go too. He’ll be going in the morning and flying back that same afternoon. They’re gonna train him to be a teacher. How neat, huh?!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 1998 The bitch slammed her door at 6:30, and right now, there’s a car parked in front of her place on the street. It’s too dark to see what car it is, though.

Andy came over and was here from 7:00 till just now. I fed him a TV dinner that I had Tom get just for him in exchange for terrorizing the poor guy. I also let him browse the Internet, of course.

He called to wish his brother a happy birthday. He called David in Enfield, but he wasn’t home. He called to wish his mom a happy belated birthday, too. She and Al are in their early 70s now. Guess they won’t be around too much longer.

The good news of it is, is that he came over sober, although he was his usual slow, flaky self with his usual not-so-good memory. He also noticed the weight loss and says that even my face went down and that I’m still so little. Yeah, I know I’m not as tall and as wide as most women, but I still wouldn’t cry if I lost 15 more pounds.

Is the grand finale coming up? The one where the dogs go on their last barking fit of the day? It’s almost 9:00, so we’ll see in a little while.

I’m having a blast with the Microsoft Mouth. It’s great for proofreading.

MONDAY, AUGUST 3, 1998 Tom searched online again and downloaded me what I thought was the perfect wallpaper/screensaver/scheme changer, but nope. It’s so bugged. It does a bunch of weird shit and sometimes it gets hung up. I tested and experimented with it for hours, but every time I think I figured out how to fix it, it does something else it shouldn’t do.

We screwed yesterday and it went fine, except for the first 20 seconds he was inside me. Oh, my God, it was excruciating. Is this really because the muscles and all that aren’t used to regular sex? Or is it cuz I’ve got some kind of cut that never healed? Tom says he thinks it’s cuz we don’t screw regularly. Like with the braces. I got used to them after a few days, but if I were to get used to them, take them off for a while, and then put them back on, I’d have to get used to them all over again. Well, I don’t know if it’s cuz of the part-time sex, some cut that never healed properly, or something up there that’s once again hexing my womanhood, but I try not to give in to it. I just deal with it. I have a cream I put down there when it acts up.

Why do I still get the feeling, though, that he sometimes deliberately won’t go inside me cuz he’s either not in the mood, wanting to play games, or both?

Later…

Forgot to mention earlier how I woke up at 115 again. And I didn’t even take a water pill yesterday and I had 3 meals, too.

I heard soft bass thumping at 11:00 last night for about 10 minutes, but couldn’t figure out where the hell it was coming from. There were some door slams that I thought were next door, but I didn’t see any cars there. I just hope they behave if he’s back, or whenever he does come back, cuz I’d really rather not have to have them evicted. I’d rather they stay and that we move first, so I can be their librarian.

Later…

Well, tonight I learned a big lesson. Don’t ever play a joke on a paranoid pothead. A few conversations ago, Andy had told me he’d still be making prank phone calls if it were still easy enough to get away with. Also, he wishes he’d get some prank phone calls. So, tonight, I gave him what he asked for. Tom installed this really cool program into my world. It’s talking lips. You can set the size and shape of the lips and pick from female and male voices. You can also adjust the pitch and speed and add echo effects and shit like that. Using different voices, pitches, and effects, I called Andy’s and this girl answered. Before this, though, I left several messages on his machine all saying the same sentence (Hi Mark, I want to suck your cock) in different voices with different effects. This thing can also read text from my journals and things like that. I had it read parts of earlier journals onto his machine.

When I called and got that girl, he hadn’t listened to his messages yet. Anyway, I talked to this girl and since I can type so fast, I really thought that she and Andy would know it was me. How many people do they know with computers and who can type as fast as I do? Michelle has a computer, but hers is a piece of shit. She also can’t type as fast as I can. Anyway, I used the names of people Andy knew and spoke to the girl, who I found out is Melanie, a friend of his and Michelle’s, and then I spoke to Andy. I told him I was sorry my voice sounded so funny, but I had cancer and had to talk through a pipe in my throat.

I basically hit on him and was stunned to see him fall for it. I could not believe it! How stupid could he be?! But it’s all cuz of the pot. He can’t remember shit or figure things out too easily cuz of the way that pot kills his memory and slows his brain down. I just can’t believe he didn’t put two and two together and realize it was me playing around with him. He not only was too stupid to realize it was me, but it terrified him. And even Melanie, too. Are druggies always so paranoid and so easily spooked? Andy’s afraid of everything and everybody! Everything either bores or scares him, I swear.

After we hung up, he later called and left a message while I was getting Tammy with this thing, and he said that he’d kill me if he found out I was behind these computer things.

So, I talked to Andy later and told him and his friend, Melanie, that if I had any idea that this thing would freak them out, I’d never have used it on them. I told them I was so sorry and would never have guessed in a million years that it’d scare them. I told Andy how shocked I was he didn’t realize it was me giving him what he wanted while testing out a new program. He said I better feed him for this when he comes over tomorrow night, but that yes, he did ask for this. Yeah, food is another one of his loves. He says he still eats a few bites a day, but I doubt that. I think he’s always got food in his face.

Anyway, I only kept Tammy on for a few minutes and spilled the beans on her in the end. I figured it’d be best not to leave her hanging and wondering about it for too long, but again, how come she didn’t figure me out? These people are so slow! I said I was a friend of Marks, mentioned the pipe and cancer thing, then when it came time to break the news to her, I typed in how they weren’t gonna put her in bucks for $400 jail (what I accidentally said to Tracy when she said she was worried about going to jail for ripping someone off). Something very obvious. She said, “Very funny. You scared the shit out of me. It’s 11:30 here.” Then I told her about the program, gave her and the girls my love, then we hung up.

Where was this thing in the late 80s - early 90s? I’d have had so much fun with it.

Just one more year. One more year! God, I’m so fucking sick of not being able to concentrate while at the computer due to the constant distractions. In the daytime, it’s the city noise. At night, it’s the animals. When we move, my computer’s not going in the same room as the animals are in. And what is it with these dogs? This is the second night in a row that they’ve gone on a 9:15 barking spree and it’s pissing me off. It’s dark. It’s been dark. Those dogs should be quiet. I went out to see if I could hear what might be stirring them up, but who knows? I think it’s just that they feel neglected. I thought I smelled cigarette smoke coming from the freeloaders when I went to the side of the house, but as of yet, I haven’t heard anything from over there. I’m sure the dogs just want attention, and I’m sorry these dogs are so abused and lonely, but I just wish they’d shut the fuck up!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2, 1998 Today my nephew Larry would've been 18 years old if God hadn't have taken his life. God, you killed the wrong Larry. If you had to kill a Larry O, God, why did it have to be little Larry?

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 1998 I think I accidentally found my folks online. As I was in getting my horoscope, I thought of different screen names the bitch could be using for them. I’m just the naturally curious type. On a whim, I typed in a variation of her old screen name that she ditched, then typed, “Nice screen name,” sent it, and it actually went through. There are millions of AOL users, so it could be anyone, anywhere, but who knows? She can’t respond since I blocked her out of my list, but that’s mighty fine with me.

Later…

Tom got up last night around midnight and sure enough, he didn’t want to screw today. I knew he wouldn’t, either. See, I’ve noticed a pattern in him. If for some reason I can’t screw one day, he can’t screw the next day. I was also mid-cycle yesterday and that old subconscious fear no doubt kicked in. He claims we’ll screw later, but my heart still isn’t in the idea. I don’t give a shit at this point how the sex turns out, but I just have no desire to do it in the first place. I guess I better at least put up with it if it’s really pleasing the man I love, cuz the man I love, says he wants more sex.

Tom fixed the leaky faucet in the tub, the cabinet in the kitchen that was falling off its hinge, and the screen door in back that just ripped off its hinge again. Like I said, every fucking faucet leaks in this old dump and every door is either crooked, won’t close all the way, or is partly off its hinge.

At least one of us can fix these things.

Last night I popped back up to nearly 120 pounds. I wasn’t the least bit surprised, but I sure felt uncomfortable. I had that heavy, bloated feeling and felt like a balloon fixing to burst, so I took a water pill. I woke up today at 115 right on the nose. Wow, huh?! It won’t last long, I’m sure. I’m sure it’ll be a very occasional thing - me hitting down at 115. This face, though! This fucking face and neck! Will it ever shrink? My face and neck have never been this swollen. Even when I was in the 140s years ago my face and neck weren’t this big. I feel like I’d have to get down to 90 pounds before it’d shrink back to normal size, but that’s just not gonna happen. Maybe when I’m old and dying or if I get some horrible disease, but I’m virtually positive I’ll never be under 110 pounds again. Probably not even under the 115 pounds I awoke at. I’d have to take water pills every day of my life in order to lose a lot more weight and keep it off and that’s not gonna happen either.

Tom was online and downloaded a couple of word processors for me to check out. I haven’t yet, but we did check out some other programs he downloaded. One was this really cool thing that lets you set up to change your wallpaper and screensaver, either in order or randomly. You can have it change every second, every several minutes, or every day, week, month, etc. The thing was great, but it was fucking shareware and limited in its functions. You could only use 3 wallpapers and 3 screensavers. That sucks! So Tom’s gonna see if he can make a program to do more than that.

The other was this so-so thing that adds effects to your screensaver pictures. It flips them, twirls them, and stuff like that.

To my utter amazement and satisfaction, Larry hasn’t called. Great, but does this mean he never read the letter and is returning it to me? I sure hope not. I really hope he read the letter and felt I wasn’t worth calling about it. I want to be the one to have the last word this time and to have him decide to drop it at that. He doesn’t have to agree with a damn thing I said in the letter, but I just hope he read it and will drop it, but if he does call, it’s his dime. I’m not gonna return his call. I have nothing more to say. So, in the end, whether he reads the letter, returns it to me, or calls me - he’s a done deal as far as I’ll always be concerned.

I have no intention of contacting my parents again in any way, but it’s sort of funny in a way what with the message I sent them. I wish I could be there to see the look on their faces when they saw I had found them. How utterly stupid, though! If I were gonna change screen names to avoid someone (although I don’t know why they didn’t just block me out) I’d really change it. Not just use a variation of a name.

Tom said all I have to do to see if a screen name exists is to use the box that searches for members currently online. I don’t know about that, cuz out of curiosity I tried their old screen name, and that came back saying that member wasn’t currently signed on, just like the second screen name did. Then I just started randomly hitting anything and was told these members weren’t currently signed on. I’ll have to ask Tom about it when he gets up and see what he thinks.

[waitimcomingtoo]

Mackie

Pairing: Tom Holland x actress!reader

Synopsis: any chance he gets, Anthony teases you and Tom about your relationship

Masterlist

Anthony Mackie was onto you.

It all started when he realized you and Tom weren’t actually dating, like he thought you were.

“Which Avenger would you sleep with if given the chance?” The journalist asked you, Brie, and Scarlett during a junket.

“Tom Holland.” You answered immediately. “Oh, did you mean the character?”

The girls laughed at your answer as you shrunk down in your seat. Everyone else answered with Thor, making your answer stick out even more.

“Wait, did they ask the guys this?” You wondered. “And follow up, did Tom say me?”

“I can ask.” The journalist chuckled and pulled out her phone. “My friend Jack is interviewing them in the other room.”

“Oh My God.” Brie groaned. “Now I want to know.”

You held your breath in anticipation as you waited for Jack to text back. Finally, the journalist felt a buzz and checked her phone.

“Tom did in fact say your character.” She laughed as she showed you the text.

“He did?” Your eyes widened. “Oh my God. That’s it. We’re having sex tonight. I’m telling him right now.”

The cast laughed at your antics as you sent Tom and quick text and shut off your phone to pay attention to the rest of the interview. You knew it was a joke, but you forgot that Tom didn’t know the context of your text. So when he checked in phone in the room where the boys were being interviewed, he was quite confused.

“I just got a text from Y/n saying “we’re having sex tonight” in all caps.” He laughed in shock. “What is going on?”

“Damn.” Anthony stated. “She texts you in advance?”

“No.” Tom blushed. “We’re not even together.”

“What are you talking about?” Anthony asked. “I thought you were?”

“We’re not.” Tom insisted. He always hated when he was reminded of the fact that you and him were just friends and he didn’t want to stay on the topic.

Anthony, on the other hand, wasn’t as inclined to let it go. He leaned back in his chair and stared at Tom, always looking for new ways to bother his younger cast mate.

“Hm.” Anthony drawled. “Interesting.”

A few months later, Tom, Anthony, and Sebastian were invited to a comic con in Chicago. They were known as one of the more chaotic pairings of cast members, so the interview consisted of constant digs at one another. And of course, Anthony took any chance he got to tease you and Tom.

“You must spend a lot of time together when filming these movies.” The journalist said to the couch. “Do you guys hang out off set too? Are there any Avenger pool parties we don’t know about?”

“Look, Toms a little asshole.” Anthony began. “Him and his little girlfriend are absolute children on set. We can’t take them anywhere.”

“His girlfriend?” The journalist asked.

“I mean Y/n.” He corrected, making the audience cheer. “They say they’re not dating but we all know.”

“We’re not.” Tom whined into his mic. “Stop saying that. People are gonna start believing you.”

“Because it’s true!” Anthony insisted. “You should see the two of them on set. They’re always touching and hugging. And I’m pretty sure I caught them in the dressing room one time. I won’t say what they were doing, but I could hear the bed creaking.”

Tom turned bright red and covered his face. He knew Anthony was just teasing, but it still embarrassed him. He collected himself and held his microphone up again, ready to dish it back to Anthony.

“You’re just mad because she likes me more.” Tom said, eliciting cheers from the audience.

“Uh uh.” Anthony shook his head. “Shes loves me. All the ladies love me.”

“Not Y/n.” Tom shook his head. “She loves me.”

“I think we can all agree Y/n loves me the best.” Sebastian cut in smugly. “It’s fairly obvious.”

“Did someone say my name?” Your voice sounded from a microphone, making everyone scream. Tom, Anthony, and Sebastian looked at each other in confusion upon hearing your voice.

“Wait, what?” Anthony laughed into his microphone as he looked around. Suddenly, your characters theme song came on the speakers as you came out from backstage.

“Hi!” You came out onto the stage waving. The crowd stood up upon your arrival and became deafening. Tom turned around, caught sight of you, and bolted out of his seat.

“Y/n?” He asked as he ran towards you. He immediately scooped you up in a hug, lifting you off the ground to spin you around.

“Hi Tommy.” You mumbled in his ear as you squeezed him back. Tom set you down but continued hugging you, kissing the side of your face multiple times. The audience went wild at this display of affection, prompting you to kiss his cheek back. You walked back to the couch hand in hand, taking a seat next to each other.

“I didn’t know you were coming.” Tom said into his mic as he picked it back up.

“I wanted it to be a surprise.” You laughed, earning more cheers. “I’m filming something in Toronto but I wouldn’t miss a convention for the world. And I wanted to see you.”

Tom pouted and pulled you into another long hug. It had been a few weeks since you’d seen him, so you pressed a long kiss to his cheek.

“Do we all get kisses or just Tom?” Anthony asked, interrupting the moment.

“I was thinking the same thing.” Sebastian spoke up.

“Seb can have one but I’m not coming near you.” You teased as you walked over to Sebastian. You bent down to kiss his cheek before sticking your tongue out at Anthony.

“You look so pretty, darling.” Tom said once you sat back down.

“Please.” You rolled your eyes. “I’m so jet lagged.”

“I don’t look nearly this beautiful when I’m jet lagged.” Tom complimented you.

“Oh, I beg to differ.” You complimented back.

“Kiss kiss kiss kiss.” Anthony chanted into his mic while pumping his fist. The crowd roared as you and Tom rolled your eyes.

“Don’t start, Anthony.” You told him. “He does this all the time.”

“So I’ve heard.” The journalist laughed. “How was your flight, Y/n?”

You settled into Tom’s side as you talked about your flight and other random things. When the attention was off you, Tom slipped his arm around you and let it rest on the back of the couch. He felt you shiver at one point and realized you were sitting right under the air conditioning.

“Are you cold?” He asked you, making the audience laugh.

“A little.” You said sheepishly. He immediately took off his jacket and draped it over your shoulders, making the crowd go wild.

“Thanks, Tommy.” You chuckled as you slipped your arms into the sleeves. They were warm from his body heat and his cologne was lingering on the collar.

“Wow.” Anthony started up again. “You guys look like a couple.”

“A couple of besties.” You said quickly, making Tom shake his head.

“Uh huh.” Anthony said sarcastically. “If you guys aren’t dating, then why are you two always touching?”

“Because we love each other.” Tom snapped playfully. “You just don’t understand because girls don’t want to touch you.”

“Damn.” Anthony laughed. “Y/n, are you gonna let your boyfriend talk to me like that?”

“He’s not my boyfriend.” You replied. “We would make a terrible couple. I still haven’t forgiven him for the stamp act and I don’t see us getting past that.”

“Baby, it wasn’t me.” Tom played along. “It was my ancestors. I’d never tax your stamps.”

“Uh Uh.” You rolled your eyes. “That’s what they all say.”

“I’m gonna move on before I break you guys up.” The journalist teased, making you and Tom roll your eyes. “You guys have been playing these characters for a while so you must know them pretty well. What is something you have in common with your character?”

“That’s easy.” Anthony answered. “We’re both a cool black dude.”

“That’s exactly what I was going to say.” Tom joked, earning some laughs.

“Easy there, wonder bread.” Anthony laughed. “Don’t get ahead of yourself.”

“What about you, Y/n?” The journalist asked. “What do you have in common with your character?”

“Something my character and I have in common is that we both fuck this man.” You smiled as you clapped Tom on the back. Everyone on the couch’s jaw dropped as the crowd became deafening. Tom looked at you incredulously as you laughed.

“I’m just kidding.” You laughed into your microphone. “Um, I don’t know. We’re both pretty passionate about what we believe in. And we both wear a lot of black.”

“What?” Sebastian laughed. “You can’t just say that. That was a total 180.”

“I’m sorry.” You whined playfully. “It was a perfect opportunity and I had to take it.”

“I am literally speechless.” Tom said into his mic before breaking down into laughter. You leaned into each other as you laughed, not caring if no one else found it funny.

“I’m sorry.” You giggled. “Can we move on? Next question, please.”

“All right. Let’s talk about this kiss between your character and Loki.” The journalist began.

“Uh oh.” Anthony stirred the pot again. “Toms not gonna like this.”

“I don’t care.” Tom shrugged, but it was obvious that he was lying. You rested your hand on his shoulder to reassure him as you turned to answer the question.

“I actually had a lot of qualms before filming that scene.” You replied.

“Qualms?”

“Yeah.” You nodded. “I’m good friends with Taylor Swift so the first time I met Hiddleston, it was as her boyfriend. So the whole thing gave me serious qualms. I felt like I was breaking girl code.”

“That’s surprising since you improvised one of the kisses.” Sebastian, also looking for drama, cut in. “I remember you were only supposed to kiss once and you went in for second.”

“Well that was after a few takes and my qualms had dispersed.” You shot back.

“You hear that?” Anthony smirked. “She had no qualms.”

“I still felt so bad but those thoughts were soon replaced by “oh my God, I’m kissing Tom Hiddleston.” My qualms didn’t stand a chance to him in that wig.” You chuckled. You felt Tom tense up under your hand so you squeezed his shoulder.

“I know.” The journalist agreed. “He’s very dreamy.”

“Exactly. We were three takes in and my pussy starts screaming, “get help! Get help!”” ,You mimicked Thor’s voice, “so I knew my qualms were gone.”

You once again had all the jaws dropped with your words. Tom buried his face in your neck as he laughed, his whole body shaking.

“That’s one way to put it.” The journalist said as he wiped tears. “I have to ask. Which Tom did you like kissing more?”

“I liked kissing Tom H the best.” You said cheekily.

“Ooo.” Anthony started again. “Are we about to witness a couples quarrel?”

“I think so.” Tom played along. He pretended to look annoyed with you so you cupped his face.

“I’m kidding.” You assured him. “It was so you.”

“It better be.” He insisted. “Remember you kissed me after we shot the swinging scene and we weren’t even filming?”

“Yeah.” You chuckled. “I was in love with you that day.”

“What happened?” The journalist wondered.

“Well, I grew up loving Spiderman.” You explained. “So spending the day swinging around in Toms arms while he was in the suit meant so much to me. The second Tom took his mask off, I just kissed him.”

“Is that when you started dating?” Sebastian asked.

“No. It is not.” Tom shoved him playfully.

The rest of the convention went by in a similar fashion, with Anthony taking every opportunity to tease you. Once you said your goodbyes to the crowd, you and Tom walked back to your dressing room with your arms around each other.

“I can’t believe Mackie still thinks we’re dating.” Tom sighed as he shut the door behind him.

“I know.” You chuckled before an idea came to you. “Wouldn’t it be funny if we actually started dating and didn’t tell him? Like, as a joke?”

“That would be hilarious.” Tom nodded too many times. “Like, I could ask you out right now and he’d have no idea. We could go on dates and make out and stuff and just not tell him. That’ll show him.”

“We should totally do that. As a joke.” You quickly followed.

“We should.” Tom nodded. “Imagine his face when he finds out we started dating and didn’t tell him? It’ll be priceless.”

“Ugh, I can’t wait.” You sighed happily. “He would lose his mind if he found out we finally started dating.”

“Did you say finally?” Tom asked with a coy smile. Your face fell when you realized you had said a little too much.

“I did.” You said softly. “Because it’s something I’ve been thinking about for a while.”

“So have I. In that case,” Tom smiled shyly, “Y/n would you like to go on a d-“

“Yes.” You cut him off before he could even finish. “I would.”

2 years later

On a rare day off, you and Tom attended a barbecue in Anthony’s backyard with a few of the other cast members. You were sat on Tom’s lap, full off food and contently listening to the ongoing conversation.

“These burgers are great.” Chris said as he patted Anthony’s back. “Thanks for barbecuing.”

“I got you, man.” Anthony nodded. “I actually got the recipe for the blend from one of the caterers on set. Remember that place that catered lunch with the really good cornbread and burgers?”

“I do remember.” Scarlett smiled to herself. “The filming schedule worked out so all got to eat together that day. That was so nice.”

“It was nice.” Anthony agreed. “Just sitting in the sun in our costumes and bibs. We had some fun conversations going on. I’m pretty sure that was the day Tom and Y/n started dating.”

“No.” Tom rolled his eyes. “We started dating after that one convention. Remember the one where Y/n surprised us on stage? We started dating that night.”

“Wait, you guys are actually dating?” Anthony sat up in his seat. “I was just playing with you.”

“We know. So we played with you right back.” You shrugged smugly. “We started dating to get back at you for all the jokes.”

The rest of the cast exchanged confused looks as you and Tom relished in your victory.

“But....” Anthony blinked in confusion, “you didn’t tell me until two years later.”

“Yeah. Because we were committed to the joke.” Tom said like it was obvious.

“Duh.” You added.

“Let me get this straight.” Antony rubbed his temples. “You started dating as a way to get back at me for teasing you?”

“Yep.”

“But you didn’t tell him you started dating.” Scarlett continued.

“Nope.”

“So you’ve been dating in secret for two years without him knowing.” Don went on.

“Yep.

“But....you see this as revenge on me?” Anthony asked with a tilted head.

“Yep.” You laughed. “In your face.”

“In my face?” Anthony raised his eyebrows. “How so?”

“Because we totally got you.” You bragged. “Look at your face right now. You had no idea we were actually together.”

“What an idiot.” Tom shook his head. “This guy, am I right?”

The cast exchanged another look as you and Tom continued not to understand why dating in private didn’t exactly count as revenge against Anthony.

“Okay.” Anthony said skeptically. “So let me ask you this. Now that I know about the joke, will you stop dating?”

You and Tom quieted down as Anthony brought up something you hadn’t thought of.

“Well, no.” Tom began as he looked at you. “We like dating each other.”

“So essentially, this had nothing to do with me.” Anthony concluded. “You two just wanted to date each other but used me as an excuse.”

You and Tom opened your mouths to defend yourselves, but shut them when you realized he was right. You looked at each other sheepishly before shrinking down in your seats from embarrassment.

Anthony Mackie may have gotten the better of you.

Tag List 🏷

@awesomebooklover17 @thebookwormlife @imanativeofswlondondahling @weirdr-artiest @serendipitous-amor @dummiesshort

@foreverxholland @lavender-writer @michaela072796 @whatareyouhidingpeter @takenbyheartstrings @ultrunning @imyourliquor-youremypoison @andreasworlsboring101 @waiting-to-be-myself @letsloveimagines @peterparkoure @a-villain-vying-for-attention @justcallmehitgirl @jackiehollanderr @tiny-friggin-human @mara-twins @iamaunicorn4704 @maryjanee23 @geeksareunique @emmamarshmellow @unbelievableholland @flixndchill @sovereignparker @thisisthebiplace @spideydobrik @every-marveler-ever @undiadeestos @caelestii-e @eridanuswave @itscaminow @fiantomartell @solarxmoonchild @canyouevencauseicant @illwritetomorrow @thehappygrungelife @saysomethingspiderman @smilexcaptainx @quaksonhehe @kelieah @kickingn-ames @seasidecrowbar @lovelessdagger @love-sick-blues @electraheart-3174 @unbelievableholland @yourtypicalhotmess @spideyanakin @horanxholland @thesuitelifeofafangirl @marshxx @heyheycharlatte @nooneinvitedfascistbarbie @tomshufflepuff @cookiemonstermusic258

@maybemona @alexxcorona113 @lethal-wisdom @xo-spidey @big-galaxy-chaos @pandaxnienke @theincredibledeadlyviper  @thestylestour  @officialsimppage @mrvelscaptains @peterbenjiparker @itsemohours @okkulta @parkerlovebot @jungkxxkk @friendlyneighborhood-mendes @whatthefuckimbisexual @olixerwxxd @starkbrain @creatorofthegalaxy @f-hollands @ilovefrogs1000 @itstaskeen @itmatteredatthetime @wrendermeuseless @amazinggracy @iprobablyshipit91 @magicalxdaydream @whereismytelephone @theonly1outof-a-billion @leilanixx @namoreno @bi-lmg @dracoswhore007 @tomhollandloml @avengers-hamiltrash​ @sunshinepeterparkr @gh0stgurl @so-very-asleep @veryholland​ @white-wolf1940​ @spideycheles​ @firwproof​ @fanficaddict13125 @pinklxmonade​ @thebestqueenoftheworld​ @nowayhomeparker​ @willowestelle​ @imobsessedzs​ @spideyspeaches​ @bookfrog242​ @hihiweezing​ @mathletemadison​  @chipot-lol​ @mackenziejanine​ @dhtomholland​ @peterstommy​ @insomniac-nerd-posts-things​ @prancerrparkerr​ @aayaissaa​ @loudthoughts-softspoken​ @starknik22​ @hallecarey1​ @tom-holland-is-bae​

[movedtomcyt-peach]

late night shopping with the mcyts

⋆｡˚ summary: you want late night snacks and decide to drag your favorite streamer along with you ⋆｡˚ pairings: cc!dream x reader, cc!george x reader, cc!sapnap x reader, cc!karl jacobs x reader, cc!quackity x reader, cc!wilbur x reader, cc!niki x reader, cc!tubbo x reader (platonic), cc!ranboo x reader (platonic), cc!tommy x reader (platonic) ⋆｡˚ warnings: none

I moved blogs, all new content will be posted here!

Dream

he’s probably down with it, seeing how late he normally stays up

tries to smuggle patches into the car

mopes if you make him leave her at home

refuses to let you pay even if it’s like $3

annoys the worker at the register with his constant wheezing

like sir it’s midnight, please cut the college student some slack

“Look *wheeze* it’s called *wheeze* it’s called sugar balls *wheeeezee*”

George

gonna be completely honest, he refuses

like he’s just been woken up and you think he’s going to get in a car and shop for snacks

if you manage to drag him to the store through some miracle, he’s still not happy

he’ll totally whine the whole time, asking if your done yet and constantly telling you how tired he is

“Come onnnnn… I’m so tiredddd! How long does it take you to pick something out?”

Sapnap

he agrees but only after you promise to buy him a snack too

holds onto your sleeve because he’s still tired from being woken up and doesn’t want to get lost in the store

stands really close to you and kinda slumps onto you while you pick a snack

he’s just tired and clingy and he wants to get back home but he likes hanging out with you

“Fine, fine, I’ll come… but only if you promise to buy me something too.”

Karl

let’s be honest, he’s the one who asks

he somehow ran low on his never ending monster supply and you’re the solution

picks out a flavor for you to try with him

definitely turns the snack run into a night drive

lets you pick the music and sings along with you

“What the honk? They don’t have my flavor! Looks like we have to go to the next store.”

Quackity

there's 2 types of situations

if you wake him up, he's fairly quite the whole time just picking out his snacks and crashing the second he gets back into bed

if he was already up, you're in for a long night

runs around the whole store and picks up every single thing he sees

peers at you through the aisles and scares you when you round the corner

"What do you mean I can't get wintergreen, spearmint and cool mint? How am I supposed to tell them apart?"

Wilbur

whether or not he's driving, he is 100% in charge of the music

sings softly in the car, promises he won't fall asleep at the wheel

points out the stars when you step out of the car

keeps his hand on the small of your back while you shop

definitely rests his head on you if you stand still for more that 0.1 second

just sits in the car with you, sharing snacks, talking

he could talk with you all night

tries to remember every little moment, wants to write a song about it

"Can you see that? I think that's our star, it's almost as pretty as you y'know."

Niki

she's very sleepy if you wake her up, so she won't quite know what's going on but still goes with you

if she's already awake when you ask her, it's pretty much the same vibe

very chill, minimal talking, calm music on the ride there

she'll share her headphones with you so you're still connected even when you're in different aisles

she just likes making memories with you y'know

you and her fight over who brings the bags to the car

she wins

pulls you over to the security camera and takes a couple pictures of the two of you

"Oh, you look so cute in this one! Do you think I should post it?"

Tommy, Tubbo and Ranboo (platonic)

don’t ask them

for the love of god don’t ask them

it’s a disaster, of course it’s a disaster

Tommy somehow managed to get his hands on the biggest bottle of Diet Coke you’ve ever seen

Ranboo is struggling to hold Tubbo back from the lighters as the short boy mutters something about arson

you just wanted a snack

it’s a miracle if you don’t get kicked out

“Tommy I’m going to kill you.” “No, Tubbo put the scissors down”

[silverdelirium]

XL | D.M

this is based on a hentai i saw LMAOO so all credit goes to that, if you wanna see the visuals, the name is XL joushi. i wasn’t gonna post this today but fuck homework 

summary: reviewing condoms with your co-worker, draco.

warnings: SMUT, supposed to be a bit of a funny picture so👍🏻

———

a small knock could be heard on your door while you were cooking breakfast. you walked towards the door and opened it, looking down excitedly at the new box that the post-man delivered today. you squealed in excitement and grabbed it, heading towards the sofa where you opened it greedily.

“wha- oh, why are there so many?” you questioned to yourself as you picked up one of the many XL condom packages. you didn’t even have a boyfriend, what were you supposed to do with this?

——

you thought about returning them, but yet again, you needed the money but oh well, you didn’t want to think about it right now, not when you were drinking in a bar with multiple co-workers surrounding you.

just as you were about to drink from your firewhisky a large pale hand grabbed it and chugged it themselves. you turned around to see draco malfoy, elegant, classy man. big ego and attitude, you didn’t like that.

“hey! that was my drink!” you exclaimed angrily and looked up at him

he ignored you and sat down beside you, placing your now empty glass on the table.

“didn’t you end up black out drunk last time, y/n?” he asked, a smirk on his face.

you just rolled your eyes at this, he then proceeded to get his chair closer to yours and grabbed the back of your head, pushing it forward and bringing your face close to his.

“you have eyebags y/l/n, have you been short of sleep?” he asked, staring into your slightly hot face and widened eyes.

“i- yes.”

“well don’t drink then, it’s bad for you. something has been troubling you lately?”

fast forward to 10 minutes and here you were, pouring your heart out to draco malfoy, complaining about your economic state, to your shit job, to everyone in a stable relationship but you.

“it’s like everyone hates me.” you sobbed out while leaning your head down on the table. draco eyed you skeptically.

“i just want to meet someone and fall in love.” you said sadly.

——

“so, let’s leave you here yeah?” said draco, holding you up by your forearms and dragging you to your room after entering your flat.

he heard you sniff a bit “you smell nice” you giggled and laid your head on his chest.

“right- hey y/n.” he said, letting you go for a second and walking towards your sofa, holding up the condom packages.

you peeled your eyes open and immediately launched yourself forward to try to stop him from inspecting forward. but he just held out his arm and stopped you, still looking at the condoms.

“oh god- draco stop please.” you said anxiously, completely sobered up now.

“XL? and what are you planning to do with all of these?” he said amused.

“it’s not what it looks like i swear!” you said, frantically reaching for his hand.

——

and after 15 minutes of dragging draco to your room with the package and explaining to him it was just part of your job to review products. he stood with his hands on his hips and staring down at your form that was sitting at the edge of the bed, package next to you.

“so, no guy behind this story then?” he asked. you nodded in response.

“well, at least it wasn’t a phony excuse.” he sighed out, looking around your room. “i like your honesty, great quality of yours hm?” he said, looking back at you. you blushed and mumbled a thank you while looking down.

“but still, they really are condoms huh?” he said, grabbing about three and inspecting them once again.

“i-i am aware. that’s why i intended to try the impossible” you replied shamefully.

“which is? because i’m an XL” he said calmly.

you snapped your head towards him and couldn’t help but trail your eyes down to his bulge. it did look big-

“draco- would you- would you help me?” you asked anxiously, he looked at you and raised an eyebrow “i-i meant taking them home and using them and then telling me what you think of them.”

“y/n this is supposed to be tested as a couple”

“right-” you got cut off by him leaning close to you. “there’s two of us here, correct?”

you were at loss of words his hands were now on the bed, on each side of your thighs.

“get me hard y/n.” he wanted you to get him hard?

he pushed you back onto the bed, climbing over you and kissing you, his tongue diving deep into your mouth, detaching himself from you and unbuttoning your shirt, revealing your tits, he massaged them in his hands, your head leaning back, back arching and bottoms lip caught between your teeth. he noticed this.

“stop holding your voice back.” he demanded, still playing with your tits and rolling the nipple in his fingers.

“i- this is wrong draco.” you said, your voice trembling. he somehow maneuvered you both and it ended up with your skirt off, on his lap, him leaning against the headboard, your shirt still unbuttoned.

“you think this is wrong baby?” he asked, his hands traveling down to your panties and rubbing your clit, while the other one stayed on your breast. you reached your hand back and grabbed a fistful of his shirt. whimpers and ragged breaths escaping your mouth. you could feel his erection on your lower back.

he inserted two fingers in you, a moan escaping you, as you started to wiggle in his lap, trying to break free.

“i think your body is betraying you. can feel how wet you are for me.” he said, his tone husky in your ear.

“oh fuck i’m gonna cum-” you admitted. he removed his fingers. of course he fucking did, he placed you on the bed and grabbed a condom.

“let’s test it, shall we?” he said, holding it up. then unbuttoned his shirt and disregarded his pants. his cock stood tall, you sat beside him and stared at it with wide eyes. was that supposed to fit in you?

“it feels a bit tight, would be better if it was more flexible, i like the length.” he said casually. you weren’t even paying attention, still mesmerized by it.

“don’t stare at it! it’s embarrassing, you know!” he exclaimed, turning his head towards you and narrowing his eyes at you. you gave him a sheepish smile in response.

“let’s hurry up and get this over with” you said, your face heating up by the second.

“wait- give your opinion too.” he stated and grabbed your hand to wrap it around him.

“it’s-it’s big and it’s hot.” you said, not thinking, and just pouring everything out.

“i meant the condom y/n!” he said, yet still removed what was left of your clothing and pushed you back on the bed, turning you on your side and bending your right leg up.

“i appreciate the compliment, nonetheless.” he said, a smirk on his face. he got behind you and pushed the halfway in, and grunted. moans and whimpers escaping your lips, he rubbed your clit and turned your head, smashing his lips to yours, tongue against tongue.

he started to push into you while you tensed your body, yet thrusting at a fairly fast pace, your tits bouncing, a complete moaning mess while he grabbed your thigh and groaned, squelching sounds could be heard around the room.

he grabbed your nipple and rolled it in his fingers once again. this sent you over the edge.

“fuck- i’m cumming, i’m cumming!” you moaned loudly, your juices releasing on the condom with a cry coming out of you. draco himself releasing onto the condom with a strangled moan.

your mind stayed fuzzy until he kissed your cheek. “i don’t think you’ll be able to hold on at this rate.” he chuckled in your ear. you sat up as he got dressed.

“you should sleep, i’m going home.” he said looking back at you.

“draco-” he cut you off by grabbing the condoms and putting them on his suitcase. “i’ll be keeping this so you don’t use them with anyone else.” he said, giving you a nod.

———

join my taglist

[vicea]

dream merch discord recap (june 12, 2021) - disclaimer: i may have missed some things or mistakenly heard other things, apologies in advanced for that!

he has not played the new minecraft update

dream “knows” the date george is coming to florida but he’s not saying it :p

dream doesn’t have anyone muted on twitter

dream guesses his favorite disney princess is belle

sapnap has seen dream’s feet before

he’s not actually connor’s dad in the dsmp lore

dreamnap do not have nicknames for each other D:

dream likes olives but especially black olives

his mother makes homemade pickles

he doesn’t have a phone case

he has dropped his phone from his ear onto concrete in the parking lot before and the screen didn’t crack

dream has six fingers /j

he pours cereal first not milk when making cereal

dream calls sapnap nick most of the time :D

what’s your dream car? “idk the one that gets me to point A to point B consistently”

he finally fixed his sleep schedule, woke up at 8 am today

mrbeast owes dream a tesla because he never sent dream the audio file

dream is a very analytical person - he thinks with numbers/data

creativity is one his strengths that he is the most proud of

3 to 4 years ago, dream used to say george looks like shawn mendes a lot, now he doesn’t resemble him as much

patches is currently sleeping <3

swimming is very relaxing to dream, he swam the other day!

many houses in florida have pools than other places, even the cheapest houses in orlando have pools

dream has merchendise defects (misprints on merch) + milestone merch and he wants to give them away to those who live in orlando (probably to anyone but the event will be held in orlando) though he doesn’t want it to be a covid super-spreader thing so once you pick up your item you gotta dip. just all an idea though

he has been donating them to charity too though :)

dream has likely read Heroes of Olympus before a long time ago

he says that he’ll do a give away of his childhood books with his signature on it

he was obsessed with the series (Percy Jackson) 

he really liked the Alex Rider series

has all of Maximum Ride books, 39 clues books

has read the legend series, the twilight series, and the maze runner

has all/read of the harry potter books, divergent, eragon

he would read all the time, to the point he would read more than one book a day (a book worm he says)

dream had a goal to read 200 books in a year and he wind up reading about 150

he doesn’t want to call it a library but- growing up he had something like that that had 600 or 700 or more books in it (privileged he admits it)

he has not read a book since he started youtube (about 2 years)

dream has a folder called Book that has his own writing in it

word count: 76000 words for one of his stories 

another one he wrote 5 chapters of

he sounds very excited/embarrassed talking about the stories he wrote he’s so endearing

the very first paragraph of one of his stories (he was young when he wrote this) “What exactly is darkness? is it the lack of light? is it a pit of nothingness? ... your mind is full of darkness...” then he couldn’t continue.

the story is about a kid who wakes up in a cell and has no idea where he is with other people who are in the same situation

dream has a world building document

he has a sequel to the first book he has ever written

he found a query letter that he wrote because he wanted to get his book published- he finds it very funny

he’s calling himself a nerd but idk it’s kind of endearing

“as you can tell i’ve always been incredibly cool and not a nerd at all! ever.”

he cringes at his own old videos

dream took a lot of inspiration from witches and wizards by james patterson for writing

the story is written in a way where the main character is actually writing the story so you’re getting input from the main character during it. there’s a lot of sarcasm in it and it’s making dream laugh

very first person narrator

he feels like it’d be very cool if he were to publish his works he wrote when he was 16 on amazon or something but he probably never would because he’d have to read through all of it and it’s just embarrassing for him

dream used to video call sapnap fairly frequently- even before youtube

he strictly remembers, a very long time (at least 7 to 9 years) ago he was at his old childhood house he video called sapnap. he was wearing a (technically) suit and he remembers specifically that he was giving sap a tour... 

“snazzy in a suit”

he had no reason to put on the suit (wow time is a flat circle huh)

drista is pretty close to sapnap’s height, she’s like 5′7″ but sap is still taller than her

dream filmed the whole thing when he and sapnap met but... it’s... gone because when he was clipping that one clip for twitter... it edited the whole video

he’s sure when they meet up with george they will film that too :D

DREAM IS PRETTY SURE THAT HE AND GEORGE WILL MEET THIS YEAR-- HE SAYS A 95% CERTAINTITY the five percent is like either restrictions or visa issues

dream does not play any instruments but he had a guitar hanging on his wall when he was younger...

dream is convinced they’re the same height but also sapnap is probably taller??

they had george compare his height to a door frame and dreamnap were googling for any doorframes to find any possible chance that george is taller than 5′8″ ... nothing came up

there’s a chance they’re both lying about being 5′8″

sap and george will literally just show up in stilts to prove they’re taller than each other /j

dream without shoes is between 6′2″ and 6′3″ with shoes he’s 6′3.5″

dream is talking about awesamdude’s fake height arc again LOL

dreamnap are very private people so they don’t bother each other but george doesn’t care and would just barge into their rooms and start bothering them- they were all joking about that over a voice call

he will visit europe

he thinks that greece would be a cool place to visit because sapnap’s family is from there :) so it’ll be like a nice “treat” to go back with sap :D

dream isn’t entirely sure that the dream team meet up will happen this year but he’s working out the details because he wants to make sure it’s safe

he’s talking to youtube about his face reveal

it’s up to george if he wants to eat healthy when they finally move in

dream just has a lot of meat and vegetables in his house

spinach with chicken is good

not much fruit (only apples and tomatoes)

“DRISTA IS 5″ is trending on twitter LOL (her height got cut off)

dream doesn’t want people flying to different places because he doesn’t want to encourage travel so he wants to do all of the meet ups with a two day heads up at most

he thinks that it’s awesome that ranboo and tubbo are meeting soon !! :D

it’s very cool to dream to see how far everyone’s has come since the beginning of the dsmp. everyone has done so much

dream finalized his youtube plan a couple weeks before he uploaded his video and he was talking to drista about how he was gonna be a big youtuber in a parking lot :”)

she was the first person he really ever talked to about it

dream would love to teach george how to drive it’d be really funny :D (a very good video or a livestream idea) 

dream knows how to ride a bike, he used to have to bike to school

he can’t explain dnf.gay he has no clue he is not responsible. sapnap was the one who found it LOL. he is adamantly exclaiming that it was not him

dream doesn’t worry about views/likes/dislikes a lot- mainly views but that’s for the new uploads

he hasn’t uploaded in like a month and a half (*cries*)

he wants to stream at some point but he doesn’t know when 

he wants to play geoguessr but not now... he doesn’t want to alt stream rn- maybe tomorrow!

he is insisting that the splash text on his minecraft home screen is by callahan

he asked callahan to send him bunch of text files that are dream team related so that the splash can rotate through it but callahan thought it was funny (it is) to put only dreamnotfound <3 so it doesn’t ever change at all and dream doesn’t even know how to change and he has asked callahan to change it but he said no (even though dream pays him LMAO)

the video referenced in the padilla’s video is still in the works, it might be handed over to sapnap though !

he has no idea if he will be in MCC pride yet

padilla got dream’s input for the video, dream found him to be a very nice guy ! :) it’s the first interview that dream did that wasn’t by a person with a negative opinion of dream

dream felt relaxed doing the interview with padilla 

?????? he’s blaming callahan for his “dnfisreal” nickname in bedwars 

he’s blaming callahan for a lot of dnf-related stuff

callahan runs the dream fanart account thus the liking of dnf content

he’s so insistent that it was callahan

dream admits that he was lying about the twitter and other stuff but for sure callahan did code the splash text in LOL

dream liking that tweet “the chances of george doing a hot tub stream is the same of dnf dating” was “funny” he wasnt trying to do any commentary...

the inside joke of “oh it’s all just a joke to you” originates from george and sapnap actually always fighting (like them yelling and shouting at each other) and george said something really mean and sapnap was hurt then geroge said “it was just a joke” and sapnap replied with that line and ever since then it’s been a meme LOL

he says that everyone does the hand-on-the-passenger-seat-while-reversing thing

dream is offline raiding with his chat with 6k people

dream appreciates us and will talk to us soon!