#ok. vent over im done
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like ive been hanging out with this one friend group since literally the beginning of the year and thats been fine!! but for some reason theyve collectively and silently decided that i am Not one of them and they dont wait for me at lunch time im pretty sure they have a group chat without me etc etc. and that would be ok were it not for the fact that it is now halfway through the school year and i have nowhere else to go because all the friend groups have already formed. so unless something happens that means i Gain a friend group by chance im basically stranded for the rest of the year (and probably next year too) and theres literally nothing i fear more than that
#what the fuck do i even do#there are people who like me and think im cool i have friends in my lessons but they have their friend groups!!!#i cant go barging in on them i cant just Appear and Insert myself into their group its too late for that#and besides my school is a labyrinth i dont even know Where to go#i just wanna know what i did that made them decide i didnt belong in their group uk#were my vibes just off or something?#because like. theyre not purposefully cutting me out but theres not no intention behind it#like i am not one of them very obviously#but they neglected to tell me this until it was too late for me to do anything else so now im stuck on the fringes of a group of people who#just about tolerate my presence. hmmm i wonder what this reminds me of. oh yeah not much just THE WORST YEARS OF MY ENTIRE FUCKING LIFE???#and like they're not in the wrong these things happen but also i do not deserve to be treated like that#they may not know thats one of the things i loathe and fear the most but they must know its kinda shit#ok. vent over im done#(just cried for like 20 mins straight)#pip squeaks#vent
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ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page
#delete later#deleting soon bc eyes on me#for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL#sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out#im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever#but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened#i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow!#all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc#idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project.#as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it#and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either.#im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting#and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better#its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3#this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love#cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble#and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it)#i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim
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Hi chat sorry to drop this on main but I just wanted to explain my possible absence for a bit so no one worries and also bc I don't have the mental energy to dm people individually to say that I won't be online. But my dad died last night in his sleep so erm yeah. Might not be super active for a while and I'm sorry if I seem off or dismissive or anything.
Love yall <3
#dawny ramblings#death mention tw#vent tw#oughh I have also been awake for the past 20ish hours while running on 2 and a half hours of sleep#so im a veryyyyy eepy guy#i feel like ive been very distant for a while now plus obv not drawing. but I hate talking about my personal life idk I feel selfish or smth#fatherless behavior#hopefully once everything is done and over with I'll be up to my usual self again#but I have been expecting this for a whileee so I'm just sorta. tired. yknow#ough idk#ok peace sign dawny out
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do u get my vison (more talking in the tags)
#its unfair that the three special arms have names but the fourth that holds the guns does not...#thats why i named it hehe#btw dont get surprised if we all get ultrakilled by boston dynamic robots in the future#these shits serve in the military NOW.#if uve seen any of those videos where ppl try to build their own lightsabers..thats why the wings are like that basically#portal heals for extra bounciness#vents are primarily in the back but also under the main body plate#i imagine the plates being carbon covered in plastic (with maybe metal only as reinforcement inside)#weight and aerodynamics and whatnot u know#joints are covered in that kinda heat shrink stretchy rubber to protect them from outside factors#i also think the plates have micro holes all over them (like a sponge but think smaller) so they appear more matte not shiny#ofc the micro holes are for blood and they're only on plates and original parts of v2#so joints. black rubber parts. whiplash and knuckleblaster dont absorb blood#ok i think im done :)#v1#ultrakill#2023#669sk
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catboy?
#this is smth abt struggling in communities (online and real life) that always value skinnier smaller bodies over ur own#online communities like queer spaces anime fandoms and fashion hold skinny adrogynous (white!!) bodies on a much higher pedestal#its easy to feel outcast and ugly in spaces that will actively ignore ur body type at best and put u down or insult u at worst#its hard to be fat and confident in a world where fatphobia exists#its hard to not wish u were skinny in spaced where that seems to be the only body type that recieves praise/compliments/attention#i hesitate to call this vent art its more just a little bit of love for my body in a time where im struggling with it#those are even my (poorly drawn) tattoos#soooo uh yea ok this was mainly a warmup to loosen my drawing muscles#okokok im done rambling in tags#my silly art#kemonomimi#catboy#catgirl#trans#genderqueer#nonbinary#genderfluid
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hm
thinking of my blorbos but not in a "i love you you love me all is well" way but a "i love you hope you kill me" way lol
#cylas vents#negativity#negative#death wish#lmao#bitches be like '[potentially concerning thing]' and then add 'lol' as if it's funny or a joke lmao#like i mean technically it's not but then again it is bc it's me. like yeah don't worry don't take this seriously don't mind me ok#it doesn't really matter anyway kk. or maybe it's more like I'm the joke.#like idk the thought that like most of my f/os would probably kill me on sight should be less comforting than it is i guess#imagine casually making posts like this and still being like 'ok but maybe im not actually mentally ill maybe im faking maybe im lying to#myself maybe im making excuses maybe im imagining things maybe im just lazy' etc etc#none of the antidepressants since fluoxetine decided it's over have done shit and even my psychiatrist now is always like 'hm. so do you#want to keep trying other things' and like yeah what else can i do? therapy didnt do anything for this specific issue and the tagesklinik#lady didnt really seem to get my issue (well her suggestions for like therapy groups or whatever were more about socialising or whatever#like ??? girl that's really not the main problem here lmao but she also did have a point about how i would have to actually go there every#day etc but like#what else am i supposed to do#hi i am always tired and sometimes struggle to even get out of bed and thats why i worry about getting a job or something bc it could become#too much or whatever but like unfortunately thats kind of a requirement for everything lmao#when psychiatrist asks what i want/expect or whatever i am internally like 'a magic pill that just fixes everything and makes me a normal#functional human being' but like that's just not A Thing (tm)#so. like. what else am i supposed to do.#i don't want to be like this forever#idk how to tag lmai#using stuff like#tw suicidality#tw suicidal#tw suicidal ideation#just feels so over the top and like i dont have the right to use them lol
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. “i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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haha im gonna either go to jail or the psych ward today
#im done im done im so fuckinh done#literally only two people ask if im ok anymore#maybe three#ik everyone would get over me#whats the fucking point of this#today just prooved everyone would get over me so easily#< missy knows what this is about and a bunch of other people can guess lmao.#vent#tw sui implied
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weh :(
#certified wally post#vent post#<- the walk of shame LMAO#anyway. bleeeegh#why does it always feel like the blood is on my hands#why does it have to feel like the end of the world when a situation is beyond my control#or like its my fault for a situation existing in the first place#why is it that whenever i cant help im so convinced the person will either drop me or end up dead#<- ask to tag#this isnt the first time ive talked about this and certainly wont be the last!#but its been upped by like 1000% over the last week or so#im so on edge at the smallest of things. i feel like im gonna explode#i dont want any of my friends to be hurt. i dont want to lose anyone#how fucked is it that this has been a recurring thought process ive had since i was 12?#ok thats all LOL im done now#back to thinking about my silly little guys
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vimeo
{D I G I M O N} Adventure/tri {+2020 as AUs} ~ Short Clip Preview x "MY Kind of 'Perfect" {+Aspec!}/{Demi-pan!} Koushiro {Asexual spectrum and/or - Demiromantic Pansexual (Full Main Canon) {+Tri}; - or Panromantic Demisexual (many of my Spinoff A.U.s); - or AlloAro-spec, Demi-pansexual!Koushiro [Allosexual Aromantic]} [either way, its a DemiPan-involved Identity/Headcanon] x (Queer!/MLM!) Taichi (M-spec, Multi Gender Attracted spectrum) {KouTai}; Koushiro{u} Izumi x Taichi Yagami (Bonus appearance of Tri!Jou Kido); {Ketsui Spoilers} Music (C) David Archuleta + Jive Records D I G I M O N (C) Toei Animation NO $$$ is being made off this Fanwork
by Me/@hikari-m/@izzyizumi {DO NOT RE-POST} {DO NOT COPY} {DO NOT RE-PRODUCE WITHOUT MY PERMISSION UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES}
{Please read banner BEFORE Interacting}
#izumi koushirou#koutai#koushiro x taichi#koushiro and izumis#chai own#taikouvember preview#r: the other side of down#koushirouizumi previews#(a N Y W A Y)#({A kind mutual and I were chatting about KouxTai again}-)#(and I was asked something re how I think Koushiro perceives Taichi but also 'others' in comparison+in general)#(and {'let me see if i can e XPLAIN this in [email protected]. a NALOGY---'})#({I was already working on this for about 40 min~ of clip'ng but in reality it was some more hrs of work+loading stuff})#(and its aLREADY CRASHING ON 43~ OR SO SECONDS a LONE aaaAAAAA 'THIS IS WHY I HAVE i SSUES FINISHING FOR E VENTS A **LOT** ACTUALLY')#(BUT I got This much done and as said Might drop Pre-views as Things Happen--- {oK ITS STILL e XPERIMENTAL B U T})#({After the last one I did} my Fav of Old coming back like 'Hey did you know near ALL of my stuff fits your current main Fav Completely??')#({'f UNNY how that Is h U H???? Hahaaa'} {'You totally didnt intentionally leave out over half my stuff on that Fan-S.T of yours right??}')#({'You know that one you did WAY BACK in like 2k17???? Hahaaa'})#(Bonus Jou shows up in this one too {maybe will add him in a couple other spots later} but yea intent is KouxTai&Izumis supportin as usual)#(I think its skipping on effect on one of Jous clip's I'll try to smooth that later too....)#({yEA a NYWAY VERY MUCH PRE-VIEW FOR NOW I MAINLY WANTED TO TRY t IMING LAST SEQUENCE WHILE I y ELL INTO VOIDS @ T H E M})#Vimeo
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> be me
> think you've finally gotten over your dog fight trigger
> dogs fight.
> only one in the room physically capable of breaking it up
> I'm not over it.
#vent#im kind of over it in the sense im able to shove myself in between it again instead of having a panic attack but like#Ok#whatever#i thought we were done with this#only a tiny area on my lower wrist was punctured; fingers got bit but didnt break the skin so it's not as bad as a few years ago but like#ugh
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-_-
#i feel back cause despite everything my home life isnt and really wasn't Bad#like maybe my parents weren't really The Best at Parenting in the world but it's not like they're super evil or something#i really think i had a pretty happy childhood but I really dont think ny of that or this rn is worth being born and going through all of#this ok im shutting up now i just have a lot of thoughts#i have a lot of thoughts about having kids and shit and it carries over to wht i wish my parents would have done#alrightttt i will be leaving maybee or i will just go reblog some fanart now who knows#i need a spark of joy or whatever#vent#uuughhh
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youd assume being able to fix my mood by just eating smth sweet would be easier than this but no bc SOMEONES BOYFRIEND fucking ate EVERYTHING SWEET WE HAD LEFT
#LISTEN HERE YOU FUCKING SON OF A BITCH HALF THE REASON I SURVIVE LIVING W YOU IS I CRAM SWEET THINGS#DOWN MY THROAT TO FORCE MY DOPAMINE TO GO UP N YOU CANT EVEN LET ME FUCKING HAVE THAT?#I THINK YOURE FORGETTING I HAVE THE FULL POWER TO GET YOU KICKED OUT THE SECOND I DECIDE ALL THE DRAMA#FROM THAT WILL BE MORE WORTH THAM TOLERATING YOU.WHERE THE FUCK IS THE COOKIES PACKAGE I LEFT IN THE#BROKEN FRIDGE.HUH? HUH DO YOU FUCKING NEED TO EAT EVERY COUPLE HOURS#EAT YOUR OWN FUCKING PILE OF JUNK ITS LITERALLY ON THE OPPOSITE OF WHERE YOU FOUND MY DAMN PACK OF COOKIES#BITCH.#ok vent over sowwy 🩷🩷🩷 im just not coping particularly well today n iii RLY NEEDED THAT SWEET BOOST!!!#analiceoriginal.txt#those packages last.two days.he ate my two days dopamine fix in 10 minutes while i wasnt looking.why me god.why.is this punishment?#have i sinned? have you left me? what have i done wrong? why me lord? why?
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imsoo normal about guys byw
#sprry this is the start of my downfall im actually going to theow up and vomit and die#fronting daily actually sucks!and i have no restraint on my curiiusity and i have to figure shit out and i literally want to die#cause like i found out shit i didnt want to and its entirely my fault too bro i cant even be upset cause i went looking for it ughhh#i should be allowed to die afterschool so i dont have to feel anything else tbh thatd be a pleasure great thing whwatever#this is genuinelky the repeat of my downfall again literally september all over again and its just march jesus fucking fhrist bro need todi#the nervous system is so dumb what is ooottfvgvsh or whagevr i hate that dumbass acronym i hate healrhcare#serenity save me 🙏 save me serenity 🙏 come home#everyone keeps sayng that but qith donald trump#anyway back to me i need to scream and not just to serenity cause i feel bad🤭 no emojis are tood enougu anymore bro im going to kms#killing myself so fucking hard like a vampire driving a stake through his heart sort of shit ykwim like a siren drowning ro sokething poeti#save me sid 🙏 sid save me actually hed laugh at me for hthis lowkey which is soo deserved cause real bro why am i breaking down at midnight#on a dchool day too bro again and again i dont want to go to mf schooll and be obsessed w k. hes fine but i genuinely cant do my work#lowkey would iet be weird to talk to my ex ab my relationship with him cause like yea i miss him ykwim and i need closure but i got a crush#cause like on one hand its like i was the one who brokenup ykwim like even if the circumstances werewei4d whatever its like why would i hav#the right to even bring it up and i alr crushed on a new guy and like ignoring the uguult i do like him ughh broni want to kms#i love love i just dont love lvoe for myself cause ugh bro i hare one guy idc ab his crushes but he made me hear ab them lke idc idek him#sorry u had a bad experience w bi girls like idk what u want me to say ??? surprise me too ??? tff ugh i hate love girls#i need a gf but the thoigjt of liking a girl genuinely deeply scares me to my core cause i like girls but ppl dont like that i do ykwim#all mu friends are fucking gay bro idek why im so worried ab liking girls like who is there to disappoint but myself and my entire family#noo pressure qt all being oldest and queerest like ok yeah its midnight happy new years. i need this blanket tobsuffocste me#sleep wrappedup alr like a borito burito i dek and its not enoughh i need a soul crushing embrafe to sleep#ok im done i got post vent clarity i need to sleep#post#erics tag#delete later#serenity needs this as a ref in the morning#i beed my mom to cry to but j cant tell her any of this id rather be eaten alive by bugsbro and if i just cry to her without a reason#shell fs go througj my phone and fimd out why anyway so wjats the pointtt my god i tqlk too much and vent too much#gota flair forbthe dramatics ivguess mb
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if im being honest and allowing myself to vent a bit about it ... another red flag was when the DM went 'wow i love the detail of your backstory but idk what i can do with it tho ):'
#[static]#it immediately made me feel bad for trying to make a character work with the aesthetic she had given us tbh#i could already tell she didnt seem to be super character story driven so i just made a pretty simple drifter-type#for a post-apocalyptic setting n such and made a group that tied into the whole over-arching premise#i also literally just did bullet points cuz i could tell she wasn't gonna want to read one of the backstories i usually do#and as someone who has mostly dm'd in the past i did my v best to make a character that was super easy for the dm to incorporate in any way#like a solid reason for being there a reason for wanting to adventure with strangers a reason for seeing the mission through no matter what#made a whole small faction and connected them to the overarching theme and plot in multiple ways#wrote down lore and npcs she could use for the faction if she didnt want to make up her own#like all the works and all i got was two sentences back about it ... one of them being like 'cool but i dont like the extra details'#aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh#ok im done yelling now i just need to vent for a second#i feel bad for feeling kinda bummed about the experience because this is the first time i got to play at a physical table in years#and i know how hard it is to DM#but also when you come to the table with zero notes for the first session its ... probably gonna be disappointing jkfghdf#i DID have fun however because the party banter was hilarious and it was fun getting to hang out with ppl!#but communication between DM and players was not great#also let me be clear she did like that i made so many connections and hooks into the story and it helped her a lot#she was NOT interested in my character's past like ... jobs or npcs#but also u could just Not say anything about it and just be like 'sweet cool thanks for the info' LMAo
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the way i have absolutely no business being the way i am
#horse.txt#vent //#sort of. too high to be sad abt it im in anthropology mode and listening to music that makes me feel sexy so its fine yk#anyway i typed a whole bunch of other tags talking abt how and why i feel this way by going through a few of the events i can remember#from my childhood that Might explain why im so emotionally guarded and struggle to open up anymore.#bc i Wanted to say they all felt dumb and juvenile esp since ive actually like#made peace with most of the ppl who were involved with them#but the Anthropology mode was just tearing it all down as i typed it bc that Is just a ridiculous way to look at it no matter how you cut it#doesn't matter that nobody involved really Meant to deal that kind of harm and i dont need to hate or blame anyone in order to acknowledge#that it still just Happened. like thats a Memory already babe no do overs.#which is kind of just accidental therapy so sick. love that fir me genuinely!#but also yes theres the bitch part of me that still wants to discredit it bc acknowledging that it happened =/= Fixing My Issues#so im still at square one technically. ive just been pacing in circles on it for a while ig#EVEN WORSE that the Scale of my issues is so incredibly mundane compared to so many of the people i seem to meet.#sitting in bed crying abt not having friends for a few days in elementary school when other ppl have jojos bizarre adventure levels of Lore#i know im not technically invalid for feeling the way i do or anything but god. if it doesn't feel fucking Embarrassing to open up about😭#its impossible NOT to feel stupid and sensitive for having these first world ass problems. And letting them hold me back#bc ppl not liking me for any reason makes me sooooooooo fucking scared So fucking scared its not even funny 😝#at least. ppl in my Circles. im pretty ok about being assertive with randos#still some work to be done on it but its better than whatevers going on with my personal relationships rn#sincerely to my mutuals and loved ones who see this i swear to GOD i love you so so so fucking much and im so. im trying to figure out this#the stuff thats got me so distant and bad at keeping in touch. its a whole slew of feelings about how i see Myself--not yall#i double pinky promise cross my heart im extremely serious#thank you for being patient with me you mean more to me than im capable of putting into words right now#alright theres a shot of tears in the hollow of my collar bone time to wrap up this post#daily reminder that i love body hair. there's some honesty.#😎😎😎💪💪💪#the Quaritch under the cut is just to make me feel better bc i love him and i think hes so pretty. hes like a security blanket
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