#oh im late by a day but happy lent to all christian slavs!! <3< /div> Explore tagged Tumblr posts

[hanabeeri]

i feel bad not writing anything on here and just reblogging. anyways im doing better. not fully, but life goes on. im focusing on a book right now (out by natsuo kirino), its fun! and disturbing, haha. i love the character descriptions, because based on the perspective the characters appear to be different; kuniko for example appears like an anxious whiny woman from the perspective of masako but when the perspective switches to kuniko you see how selfish she is on the inside despite her timid appearance. also ... the novel brought up the question of morality which i adoooore, its such an interesting thought to play with, but its not the main motif of the novel i believe. so, basically, everyone knows that murder is bad, right? and if you would ask someone - whether murder or theft was worse, the majority would say murder, right? but that means that internally we are waging good and bad in terms of ''how bad'' or ''how good'' something is. which means that theres a scale. a measurement, if you will. so technically if murder is really really really bad, then how much of theft do you have to do to technically reach the same amount of badness? im feeling like the devil is whispering into my ear, haha. not because of the thoughts, but because bad is bad, no matter the measurement. at least, in my opinion. of course theres nuance, but if we go by definition with no feelings involved then all bad is equally bad.

anyways, moving on! ill be revising a bit after writing this entry, and from tomorrow on i want to visit the library daily (if not possible i will study at home - health issues suck) and study for the summer semester. im both nervous and thrilled to go back to university soon. at the same time im really tired and just want to get it over with, lol. aaah, i want to have a job :( and support my family and go on more trips with my friends. theres another girl in the same situation as me, but like... her parents arent poor. dont get me wrong, im not complaining, im just trying to explain my feelings of why i want to start to work soon and finish university.

i met my friends the other day, we went to a restaurant together. the food was yummy but overall its not a place that's worth driving to for over an hour, haha. but the experience was still nice :) because my friends were there. everything is good between us now. im still happy that we talked everything through, and that nobody is holding anything against one another. how good and fortunate it is, to have loving friends. i wish my soul would see it as well once again, that life is worth living. but recently all my happiness seems to have been taken. i did laugh a lot with my friends, and i still have the energy to talk to people in general, but the moment im alone i dont have the wish to do anything except rot away. what a peaceful thought that is, to just rot. and decay. and be taken away.

picture of my kitty (and chopper aka my son) and me 💖💕💞🧸

and have this song i rediscovered recently. i used to listen to it so often back when it was released. but my heart and head were in a worse mental space, so i deleted it from my playlist once i got better. but now i can listen to it again, without feeling like dying. speaking of dying tomorrow is my anniversary.