#nothing's going on I'm just thinking how shitty it is
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Bad Idea, Right?
jegulus | explicit minors dni | complete | word count: 9,351
direct sequel to "no one has to know what we do" on ao3
James has waited for months to hear from Regulus since he gave him his number after they hooked up in the ballet studio. He hasn't been able to stop thinking about him. So when he's out with his best friend, Peter, and receives a text from an unknown number, he instantly needs to know if that number belongs to Regulus. He's had a few drinks and before he knows it, he's knocking on Regulus' door begging to go inside.
OR
James Potter is whipped.
***
Based on Bad Idea, Right? by Olivia Rodrigo
Full fic after the break or on ao3
James wasn't sure what he was thinking when Peter had asked him to go out for drinks and he had agreed. Really, he never said yes to going out, let alone to this bar—The Leaky Cauldron—full of shitty IPAs and even shittier music. But here he was, drinking an IPA that tasted more like piss than beer and watching as Peter tried his best to flirt with his third woman of the night. It wasn't that Peter was unattractive or that he was a bad guy, far from it, but he lacked tact. No matter how many times James had tried to help him or played wingman, Peter always managed to fumble his words and come off as a creep, even when James knew he really wasn't. He was still his best friend, regardless of his lack of social skills. James hoped that some day he would find someone willing to look past his nervous flirting and see him for who he really was: a kind-hearted man with very little social finesse.
His phone vibrated in his pocket. He attempted to ignore it, preferring to stay present when he was out with his friend, but by the third vibration he said fuck it and dug into his pocket. Peter was preoccupied anyway.
Unknown: is this james? Unknown: it's been a while, so i'm not sure if this is still his number Unknown: sorry in advance if this is the wrong number, i know it's late
James quirked an eyebrow at the messages, his heart racing at the thought of who it could be. Regulus. He was the only one who James had given his number too in quite some time, and if he was honest with himself, he had nearly given up hope to ever hear from him again. Instead of texting, he decided to call the number. He needed to know for sure that it was Regulus on the other side of that unknown number.
The phone rang four times before it was finally answered, a long silence stretching out before James heard a soft "Hello?"
He immediately made his way through the crowd of people towards the back exit, needing a quiet space to speak to the man he hadn't stopped thinking about for months. "Hey, is this Regulus?"
"Depends. Is this still James' number?"
"Yeah. Yes. I've been thinking about you, baby. I had almost given up on ever hearing from you again."
More silence. James began to doubt that he had handled this well. Maybe he was more like Peter than he had realized.
"I've been thinking about you too, Daddy. Couldn't stop thinking about you, actually."
Fuck. Maybe nothing had changed between them after all. He felt the desperation to see Regulus, to be between his pretty thighs, growing just as strong as that first day he laid eyes on him. He knew in the first moment that he had seen him that he needed to claim him. Needed nothing more than to make Regulus his.
"What took you so long then?"
Regulus hummed. It sounded to him that Regulus was milking the time in an attempt to avoid answering his question. He almost didn't expect a response at all.
"I needed to be sure that I wanted you again and that I wasn't just dick drunk. Come over?"
James laughed. "I'd love to baby, but I'm drunk drunk."
"Take a cab. I'll text you my address."
"Regulus, I—" James heard the line go dead, Regulus determining that the conversation was over and that James would, in fact, be going over to his place. He wanted to say that he had more self control than to simply show up at Regulus' beck and call, and yet… he knew he wasn't. He knew that Regulus would text him his address and he'd immediately pull up the rideshare app on his phone, entering the address given to him.
He slid his phone back into his pocket and headed back into the bar in search of Peter. James might have been bailing on him in favor of seeing the guy he'd been fantasizing about since their last meeting, but he'd at least have the decency to tell his best friend that he was leaving early. He looked around until he saw Peter sitting alone at the bar, nursing his drink.
"Hey," James said, sitting down in the stool next to him.
Peter looked up at his voice. "Oh, hey. Wasn't sure where you went."
"Didn't go well, I take it?"
"Nah," Peter shrugged. "She told me she had a boyfriend, but I think she just wanted me to leave her be, so I came over here to grab another drink." He took a generous sip of his beer.
James felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, but he ignored it in favor of consoling his friend. "I doubt you'll find your soulmate in a bar like this anyway, man." He caught the attention of the bartender and ordered another beer. He figured he'd need it to give him a dose of bravery, even if it tasted like piss.
"I doubt it. But a quick fuck in the bathroom would do for now, y'know?"
"Not these bathrooms," James laughed. "They're disgusting. At least up your standards to the alleyway or something."
The bartender smirked as he delivered James' drink.
"I think I need to head home after this one," James said, raising his drink and nodding toward Peter.
James felt his phone vibrate again and he pulled it out of his pocket, glancing at the push notifications.
Unknown: you're still coming over, right? Unknown: don't ignore me daddy
Peter looked over his shoulder at his phone and laughed. "Home, huh?" He took a sip of his drink. "Who's that?"
"Look, I—"
"It's fine, man. You haven't gotten laid in months now, I think you're due. So, tell me about her."
"Not a her, first off."
"Oh, yeah? Don't let the team find out about that one. They can say all they want that they're accepting, and maybe they are individually, but you know you'd never make it pro if the rumors start in the locker room."
James took a long sip of his piss-beer. "Yeah, I know. We're just friends anyway, it's not a big deal."
They sat in borderline awkward silence for a few minutes, drinking and avoiding touching the subject that Peter had brought up. James knew that Peter didn't have a discriminatory bone in his body, but he also knew that he was right. A desperate part of him wanted to call Regulus his boyfriend and he had to wonder how that would work if he had to keep Regulus a secret. He doubted that someone who was so used to being in the spotlight would feel okay with being a secret behind closed doors.
His phone vibrated on the bar.
Unknown: [unknown sent you one image]
Peter looked down at his phone at the same moment he did and smirked. "Just a friend, huh?"
"Pete, shut the fuck up."
"C'mon, I just wanna see what your friend sent you after asking if you were still coming over."
Unknown: i hope this is tempting enough for you to tell me you're on your way
"Yeah, he's definitely just a friend." Peter laughed. "C'mon then, respond. We both know you're going over."
"I probably won't," James said. He wasn't sure if he was trying to convince Peter or himself. "I have an early class tomorrow and then practice."
"Uh huh." Peter downed the remainder of his beer and leveled him a disbelieving look.
James unlocked his phone and opened the text thread. "Fuck." He could barely breathe as he looked at the image Regulus had sent him.
It was a mirror selfie unlike any that James had ever received. Regulus was sitting on the floor in front of a floor length mirror, his back to the mirror as he looked over his shoulder. The phone blocked his face from view, but he could see his artfully tousled black curls, tempting him to thread his fingers there. He sensed that if he could see his face, Regulus' pupils would be blown wide and a blush would be dusting his cheeks. He wore nothing but a black silk robe, pooling around his hips, revealing his bare back but hiding his perfect ass and thighs from view. The pads of his feet were visible, and James could tell from their angle that his legs were parted and his ass was positioned in such a way that if he was there in person, he'd need to get a taste. Fuck.
James: yeah, i'm on my way. lemme say goodbye to my friend and grab an uber.
James saved his number in his contacts, saving him as Baby. He was sure that he was still in Regulus' phone as Daddy, and if he wasn't, he'd be changing that as of tonight.
"So," Peter said, drawing out the 'o' in the word. "Definitely a friend?"
"As far as you're concerned, yeah."
Peter laughed. "I'll see ya tomorrow then, don't show up with any marks you don't want the guys to ask about."
James pulled up the rideshare app on his phone and nodded to his friend as he entered the address Regulus had provided to him into the request. "See ya." He paid out his tab and headed outside to wait.
In the car, he tried to calm his nerves, but it proved to be nearly impossible. The driver had music that he was unfamiliar with blasting and kept yelling over it to ask him questions. He ignored them, feigning being unable to hear over the music. He looked out the window to watch the city pass by rather than attempt to have polite conversation. He felt his phone vibrate in his pocket again and dug into his jeans to check the notification. He smiled when he opened the text to see Regulus checking in with him again. After two months of not speaking to each other at all, he felt his stomach flutter at the thought of Regulus being just as anxious to see him.
Baby: eta?
He decided not to reply to the text. According to the GPS, he was only a few minutes away, and a small part of him wanted to make Regulus feel just a little anxious about not hearing from him. After all, Regulus had taken James' number when they saw each other those months ago and hadn't reached out until now. The least he could do was be patient for a few minutes. James had been patient for months. Regulus should be grateful that James wasn't making him wait to see him on his terms. Or at least, that's what he tried to convince himself. He knew deep down that the moment Regulus had texted him it was all over. James would trip over himself time and time again just for a taste of whatever Regulus gave him.
When the car stopped in front of an apartment building, James hopped out and made his way up the steps to a locked door. He pressed the button that corresponded to the apartment number Regulus had texted him, a loud buzz ringing out around him, and let out a breath he hadn't realized he had been holding. The door let out a quiet hum and he heard the lock click, indicating that he had been granted entrance. He couldn't help but wonder if Regulus was just as nervous as he was right now—waiting in his apartment at the door, peering out the peephole to see when James would arrive. He hoped that he was.
He finally arrived at the door labeled with the number Regulus had given him and as he lifted his hand to knock, the door flew open. Regulus stood there, draped in the black silk bathrobe that he had been wearing in the photo, looking like a fucking dream. Suddenly, all thoughts of irritation at not being texted sooner vanished. All that mattered was the man in front of him, draped in silk, but as James raked his eyes up those lean legs and the curves of his body, he noticed that Regulus was wearing an irritated scowl.
"Why didn't you text me back?" Regulus snapped, crossing his arms and blocking the entrance to his apartment by leaning against the frame of the doorway.
"I—" James was confused. He had never seen Regulus this cold and dismissive before. Why would him not texting Regulus trigger such a strong response like this? Especially when it had been months since James had heard from him.
"I know you saw the text. Your read receipts are on. So. Why didn't you text me back?"
"I was almost here. Can I come in? I'd rather not do this in the hallway."
"I'm not sure I want you to."
"Baby, come on."
"No."
The door slammed in his face. Usually, having a door slammed in his face would discourage him, and if it was only about the sex, he'd have a far easier time getting that at the bar that he had come from. But there was just something about Regulus that drew him like a moth to a flame. He listened closely—the door hadn't been locked and he had only heard a few steps away from the door. He let out a breath and rapped his knuckles on the door.
"Regulus?" he asked through the wooden barrier between them. "I know you can hear me. I'm going to open this door on the count of three. If you don't want me to come in, lock it before then, yeah? I'll leave if the door is locked."
He didn't hear a response, but he hadn't really expected to. He counted to three and tried the knob. It turned freely in his hand and he pushed the door open to find Regulus standing in the entryway, staring at the floor. Suddenly, he looked so small and fragile to James. He hadn't thought until this very moment about the potential of him being the reason that Regulus would have avoided texting for this long. He knew what Regulus had said—I needed to be sure that I wanted you again and that I wasn't just dick drunk—but when he thought back on their first interaction, he realized what an ass he had been before they had hooked up. He wondered if those words he had said were making Regulus question James' true intentions here. He wondered if those words had made Regulus question his very self-worth.
I don’t date…
Have you ever had a hot quarterback want to fuck you in the dance studio?
…It can stay between us.
And fuck, he wished that he when met Regulus that he asked him on a date instead of casually fucking him in the studio. He had never wanted to date before, but everything about their chemistry had felt life-altering and brain-rewiring. When Regulus had kissed him, he felt like that was the first time he had truly been kissed—like every kiss before then had been to prepare him for how earth-shattering a real kiss would be.
Every thought that had occupied his mind lately had been about Regulus. When the team had practice at the ballet studio last month, he had hoped beyond hope that Regulus would be the one teaching them again. When it had been a tiny woman with hair so blonde it was nearly white who had greeted him with a bright smile, he had almost felt bad for how coldly he had returned her greeting. He had spent the entirety of class thinking about what he and Regulus had done together in that very same space. When class had ended, he asked the woman—Pandora, he learned—about Regulus. She refused to give him a single detail, saying that if Regulus had wanted him to know anything then he would have reached out. It was obvious to James that the two of them were friends and that she was protecting Regulus, but the realization that Regulus needed to be protected from James because he had been such an asshole hadn't registered in his mind until this very moment.
"Why did you let me inside?" James asked in an attempt to let Regulus admit how he was feeling before James groveled over mere intuition.
Regulus' eyes snapped up, icy silver and full of something that James couldn't quite place. "Why didn't you text me back?" he threw back with venom lacing his tone, avoiding the question.
"Honestly? A few reasons. I was almost here being the main one. But I was also hurt that it took you this long to reach out to me. It made me feel like I had a little bit of the power back, I suppose. I wanted you to squirm for just a few minutes like I did these past couple months. For what it's worth, I'm sorry."
"I let you in because I'm stupid."
James flinched at that. "I think we can both agree that I'm the stupid one out of the two of us and that you're just far too forgiving."
Regulus quirked an eyebrow, his hurt and anger dissolving into something unreadable on his face. "I'm not sure which of us is more self-depreciating."
James gave a small laugh and took a timid step towards Regulus. "That's probably a tie, I'd wager." When Regulus didn't move away, James closed the space between them. "Why did you call me tonight, baby?"
Regulus looked away, a soft blush dusting his cheeks. "I—I just wanted to see you."
"Is that all?" James brushed a stray curl from Regulus' face and tucked it behind his ear. He used the movement to trail his fingers along Regulus' jaw and then with two fingers, tilted his face up so that he was forced to look at James. The blush on his cheeks deepened and it took every ounce of effort on James' part not to kiss him until they were both breathless. "I'm glad you called. I missed you, I couldn't stop thinking about you actually. I even asked your friend, or I assume she's your friend, Pandora? But she refused to tell me anything about how you were or—"
Regulus rose to the balls of his feet and pressed a tentative kiss to James' lips, interrupting his nervous rambling. He pulled back and looked at James, his eyes full of questions he was too afraid to voice, but James knew they were there. He had the same questions swirling in his own mind.
"Regulus, what are we doing?"
"I'm trying to kiss you. What are you doing, Daddy?" Regulus purred, his voice thick with desire.
Every semblance of control James had over his yearning for Regulus snapped at the use of that damn word. He had never thought he'd be so turned on from someone calling him 'Daddy' but the moment Regulus—the most demanding brat he had ever met—had surrendered control to him and uttered the word, he was done for. And Regulus knew it too, used it to his own advantage, swaying James from having a serious discussion to get him to bend to his every whim. He wondered if Regulus had ever been the one to surrender control to him, really. He hoped to one day be able to make Regulus feel so safe and cherished that he did.
"Fuck, you're gonna be the death of me." James crashed his lips to Regulus' and every part of him felt right. These last few months he had felt like every part of him was slowly coming undone, unraveling at the seams. Even his coach had noticed a difference in practices, making him run more drills and sprints than usual. There was no way that he could continue to go on without Regulus in his life. Every kiss they exchanged felt like coming up for air after nearly drowning. Their tongues explored one another and it was like returning home after far too long away.
Regulus pulled away after what could have been five seconds or five hours, James wasn't sure, but the whine he let out at the loss of contact was embarrassing. Or, would have been embarrassing if he was a proud man. He had just come to the conclusion that he would sacrifice all pride in exchange for even just one more kiss from the man in his arms.
"Shh," Regulus soothed as he snaked a hand down James' arm and threaded their fingers together. "Come to my room?"
"Anything." James said too quickly.
Regulus quirked an eyebrow. "Anything?" he asked deviously. "You may regret that."
James hummed, pretending to think about the statement. He didn't have to, he knew that Regulus could ask anything of him and he'd do everything in his power to make it happen. "Doubtful. Lead the way, baby."
Regulus took his hand and lead him down a hallway and into an open door. A large bed sat in the middle of the room, draped in black silk and plush cream blankets. Thick forest green drapes were drawn and a floor length mirror that James recognized from the photo Regulus had sent him earlier sat in a corner next to a vanity set. The entire room was the pinnacle of comfort and elegance and felt so very much like Regulus, he couldn't help but to smile. Regulus pulled him into his body and pressed a kiss to his mouth before pushing him backwards towards the edge of the bed.
"Sit," Regulus said.
"Feeling bossy tonight, baby?" James purred.
"I'm always bossy," Regulus replied as he stepped forward. James opened his legs so he could stand between, reaching out to pull Regulus in close. Regulus hummed and trailed a finger down James' jaw, his eyes hooded and hazy with desire. "You just caught me off guard the first time."
"You seemed to enjoy it all the same," James said. He turned his head towards Regulus' trailing finger and caught it in his mouth, swirling his tongue around the digit and hollowing out his cheeks as he sucked. He reached up and slid his hands under the silk robe to grab Regulus' ass.
"Safe words?" Regulus asked, pulling his finger out of James' mouth and looking down at him with an unreadable expression.
"Isn't that my line?"
"Not tonight, Daddy."
James moaned. He couldn't remember a time that he'd ever allowed the roles to be reversed. He always preferred to control the scene, to know everything that would happen, but something about Regulus made him want to relinquish that control. He trusted him, even if he barely knew him. He knew he'd be safe within the walls of this room with him.
"Red means immediately stop, in need of aftercare. Yellow means stop, check in. Green means good to go, please for the love of God, don't stop." Regulus nodded along as James spoke. He gently removed his glasses for him and walked away to place them on the nightstand next to the bed and then returned to his spot between James' knees. James leaned forward into his body and then he felt the sharp sting of a palm on his cheek.
"I didn't say you could touch me yet," Regulus said coldly as he stepped back, removing James' hands from his body and leaving him sitting alone on the bed fully clothed. "Color?" His voice softened as he checked in.
"Fucking hell," James massaged his cheek. He had never had anyone slap him before, in or out of the bedroom, and it stung in a way he wasn't expecting.
"James, we can't continue if you won't answer me."
"Sorry, yeah, green. I'm green. Never been on this side of it, responding is harder than I thought."
Regulus' eyebrows raised in surprise, his face softening in concern and trepidation. "Let's pause, yeah?"
"I said I was green, baby."
"I know, I know, but—"
"Keep going, please. I'll be so good for you, beg so pretty if that's what you want." James would do anything.
Regulus seemed to be lost in thought for so long, James wasn't sure that he would continue, and then he slipped away once more and walked over to the opposite side of the room where a dresser sat against the wall. He picked up his phone and began to fiddle on it and just when James was about begin to beg, music filled the space around them. Regulus placed his phone down on the dresser and opened a drawer, pulling out a black box. He held the box as he walked back over towards the bed, placed it on the bed behind James, and then slowly strode to the middle of the room to stand in front of James, but just out of reach. He began to slowly untie the silk robe, his long fingers moving with purpose, working the knot in methodical movements that were intended to drive James insane. When the knot was undone, Regulus pulled the silk tie from around his body and threw it at James. He moved his hips to the music the entire time, rolling his body and driving James crazy with want. He could feel his cock quickly thickening in his jeans, becoming uncomfortable with neglect.
As he danced, the robe gaped slightly, giving James all too brief glimpses of Regulus' toned body, his abs flexing with movement, and red lace panties. James' mouth watered, wanting nothing but to tear through the lace and get a taste of what was hidden beneath it. Regulus inched the robe down off of his shoulders and turned his body, arching his back and giving James a show of the silk slowly being removed. He barely caught a glimpse of the red lace cupping Regulus' ass perfectly before his face got covered with the robe being thrown at him. He quickly ripped it off his face and gaped at the view of Regulus swaying his hips as he walked towards him.
"No touching," Regulus warned as he approached.
James nodded, though he wasn't sure if he could abide by the rule. Regulus crawled onto the bed, nestling his knees on either side of James' body and resting his hands on his shoulders as he began rocking his hips in time with the music. At first, Regulus hovered, avoiding touching James as well, but then he leaned in. He began grinding his hips on James, both of them moaning at the friction. It took every ounce of self control that James had to keep his hips still and his hands firmly placed on the bed as Regulus ground himself on his cock. One of Regulus' hands slid up from James' shoulder and buried itself into James' curls. He gave James a sloppy kiss and when he pulled away, a trail of spit connected them.
Regulus pushed at James' shoulder and he allowed himself to fall back, laying on the bed with his feet off the edge and staring up at the beautiful man before him. "Fuck, you're gorgeous," he said, unable to stop himself from verbalizing the observation.
"I know, but I think you've seen enough, Daddy."
James' brows knit together in confusion as Regulus reached forward, grinding his hips into James as he did. James moaned at the friction, the sharp zipper of his jeans digging into his swollen cock and kissing him with a combination of pleasure and pain. He heard Regulus rummaging into something, the box he assumed, and when he sat back he held up a blindfold in question.
"Fuck," James moaned. "Yeah, okay. Whatever you want, baby. Just… please let me out of my clothes first?"
"Aw, poor Daddy. Fully clothed while his baby is dripping with desire." Regulus placed the blindfold on the bed next to him and dipped his fingers into his panties. James could feel his fingers swirling in the wetness gathered there through his jeans, nearly bucking his hips at the feeling. When Regulus pulled his hand away, his fingers were soaked with his arousal. He sucked his fingers into his own mouth, moaning as he pulled the fingers away and pushed them against his lips as his tongue swirled around them. James groaned and pushed his hips up into Regulus' body, seeking more friction as he watched.
"You're not going to cum until I let you, Daddy." Regulus made quick work of removing James' shirt and then shifted his hips so he had access to James' belt. He made a show of unlatching the belt and sliding the leather through the loops before holding the belt in front of him. "Hands?"
James looked up at Regulus' face as he held out his hands in offering. He felt Regulus wrap the belt around his wrists, looping the leather confidently, latched the buckle, and then checked the tension with his fingers. Then, Regulus picked up the blindfold and secured it over his eyes, preventing James from both seeing and touching what he most desired.
"Color?"
"Green."
"Good."
He felt the weight of Regulus leave his lap and whined at the loss of him. Left fully alone on the bed, he writhed in need. The loss of his sight was a sensation that heightened all other senses in his body and his leaking and aching cock began to overwhelm all of his nerves. He heard a rustling of fabric and then froze when he felt Regulus' fingers begin to work at the button of his jeans. He unzipped the fly of his jeans tortuously slow and then James felt his jeans being pulled by the loops. He canted his hips to aid in the removal of them and then felt Regulus' hot breath against his cock through the thin material of his boxer briefs.
"Look at you," Regulus breathed, nuzzling into his aching cock. "So hard for me and I've barely touched you. Leaking and desperate for me."
"Just for you, baby," James said as he thrusted his hips into nothing, seeking friction and finding none.
"Such a little slut for me," Regulus said. "Sluts don't get to cum though, do they?"
James let out a desperate whine. He could tell from Regulus' voice that he was no longer near his cock and his suspicions were confirmed when he felt the bed dip next to his head.
"Especially when they lack manners. You can't even beg properly." Regulus continued. "You'll have to work extra hard to cum, Daddy."
James felt Regulus crawling closer and then Regulus was hovering over his mouth, hot pleasure nearly dripping into his mouth. Regulus was so close, he could practically taste him. He let out a whine and lifting his head in an attempt to meet Regulus' body with his mouth, desperate to please.
A rough hand buried into his hair and held him in place. "Mind your manners, Daddy. Ask me nicely to sit on your face. Beg for my cunt, like the needy slut you are."
"Please, baby. Please let me taste you." Every thought had left James' mind, the only thing that mattered was dipping his tongue into Regulus' body. "I'll do anything you say, please, please. Baby, I just need to taste you. Please."
Regulus hummed and released his hand from James' hair. "Maybe you can be trained," he said, mimicking the words that James had said to him just a few short months ago when their roles had been reversed. "If you need to safe word, reach up and tap me three times. Show me, Daddy." James contorted his hands so he could follow the direction given and when Regulus was satisfied that James knew how to get his attention, he lowered himself onto James's face. He let out a loud moan as James dipped his tongue into him, grinding into James' face. James moaned right along with him—unable to see or touch, his senses became overwhelmed with everything that was Regulus. He rocked his hips as he continued to lick and suck and bury himself into Regulus' wet heat. He felt Regulus' breath hitch, aware of every movement the man riding his face made, and then Regulus was cumming. James' mouth flooded with the heady taste of Regulus' orgasm and he continued to lick him through it, relishing in the warm liquid pooling in his mouth.
"Fuck," Regulus moaned, grinding his hips down into James' face. "I knew we could put that mouth to good use."
James groaned, circling the bundle of nerves at the apex of Regulus' thighs with his tongue, hoping that Regulus knew he agreed with the sentiment.
"How many times can you make me cum, Daddy?"
James' hips bucked, seeking friction he knew he wouldn't find. He continued to lick and suck at Regulus above him, desperate to please the man riding his face. It didn't take long for Regulus to cum again and as James fucked his tongue into him, he felt Regulus ride the wave of one orgasm right into another, the taste of him sweet in his mouth. His hips were constantly moving of their own accord now, James barely aware of his own body, and wholly focused on Regulus' pleasure. He had decided that if he couldn't feel physical pleasure of his own, then he would tune himself into Regulus'.
"Do you want to cum, Daddy?" Regulus asked the question, but pushed himself so firmly onto James' face that he could hardly breathe, let alone answer. James moaned at the feeling and gave himself earnestly to Regulus for his pleasure, sucking at the nerves and tasting Regulus orgasm again.
Regulus let out a breathy moan, riding James' face through his orgasm, before he spoke again. "You've been so good for me, keeping that mouth busy to make sure I cum. So, so good. I think you get rewarded for being so well behaved."
When Regulus raised his body from James' face, he whined at the loss. He heard Regulus laugh darkly. "Little slut misses my cunt already?" A finger trailed his body, starting at his neck and working down his chest to a nipple, then pinched. "Answer me."
"Y-yeah. Miss it so much, baby. You taste so good. I could live off that cunt."
"Hmm," Regulus hummed in consideration as he continued to trail his fingers up and down James' torso. "If I let you cum, do you think you'll be able to fuck me and cum inside me after?"
"Inside? Reg—"
"I'm haven't—I'm still clean if you are. I have an IUD. Sorry, uh… Yellow? I shouldn't have brought this up while you're… like this."
Regulus began fiddling with the blindfold and James pulled his head away in a desperate attempt to make Regulus stop. He didn't want to break the scene, he had felt himself slipping into a subspace for the first time and wanted to allow himself to relish at the feeling. "No, baby. Green. I'm good. Better than good. I want that so bad, desperate for it actually."
"James, I'm the one who called the safe word… I have condoms, it's fine—"
"I don't want them, you only called the safe word because you felt like you were coercing me. You're not. I want this. I want you." James was desperate to make Regulus understand that he was fully aware of the decision, that he was truly fine with the decision. He hadn't been with anyone since he and Regulus had hooked up and if he was honest with himself, he didn't want to be with anyone else anyway. He trusted when Regulus said he had birth control and if he didn't… well, he'd even be okay with the consequences of that too. Fuck, Regulus made him feel insane.
He heard Regulus let out a breath, a long stretch of silence weighing heavy between them. Then, he felt a hand rubbing his cock between the thin material of his briefs. He hissed at the contact, his cock neglected for so long it grew hypersensitive. "Well, then you're going to have to answer the question, Daddy. Will you be able fuck me after I get you off?"
Regulus pulled his hand away and James chased his hand with his hips, desperate for the heady mixture of pleasure and pain that was the feather light touch of his hand on his cock. He nodded, shameless in his search for pleasure from the man who held him in the palm of his hand.
"Words, Daddy. If you won't answer, I'll just have to use one of the toys in that box instead while you lay here, pathetic and needy, listening to me cum all by myself."
"Fuck, baby. Yeah, yes. Please. Can I cum? Can you make me cum?"
"Well," Regulus purred. "Since you asked so sweetly."
James felt his boxers being pulled down from his hips and he shifted his weight to help, his cock sprang free and he hissed at the feeling of the fabric when it brushed against his sensitive skin. Before he had adjusted to his cock free from the confines of his underwear, Regulus had taken him into his mouth, swallowing his entire length in one fluid motion. He pulled back, brushing the flat of his tongue against the underside of his cock, then swirled his tongue around his sensitive tip. Regulus pushed his tongue into the slit, lapping at the pre-cum gathered there, then sucked his cock back into his mouth, taking him all the way to the back of his throat. He continued to bob his head, hollowing his cheeks and sucking before relaxing his throat and taking him impossibly deeper. James moaned, pushing his hips in time with Regulus' movements before he felt himself on the edge of his orgasm.
"Reg, baby, I'm gonna—" Regulus gripped his thighs and pushed himself down, holding James deep to spill down his throat. James thrust his hips as he felt himself dissolve into pleasure, the hypersensitivity lending itself to a powerful orgasm. He felt Regulus pull away and he whined at the loss of contact.
Regulus crawled up his body and ripped off the blindfold. James blinked a few times, adjusting his eyes to the light of the room after being deprived for so long. "Hi, baby. You look so pretty with your lips swollen from sucking my cock."
"You have a big mouth for someone who still can't use his hands," Regulus teased. James watched as Regulus reached over him towards the box on the bed. He rustled around until he found what he was looking for and instead of leaning back into James' body, he pushed himself up and away. James stared at his ass as he walked across the room, missing the warmth of his body, but relishing in the view. Regulus dragged a chair from the vanity in front of the bed where James was perched and sat down, propping his feet on the edge of the bed on either side of James' knees with a cherry red vibrator in his hand.
James sat upright, his legs dangling off the bed, and shifted his body closer to Regulus. "Baby, what are you doing?"
"You're going to watch until you learn to keep your mouth shut."
"You're really gonna fuck yourself with a vibrator that's my favorite color and expect me to be quiet?"
"If you want to fuck me after, yes." Regulus turned on the vibrator, the hum of the toy filling the space between them. "I am more than happy to fuck myself until I'm satisfied if you decide not to learn your lesson, it won't be me going home with an aching cock."
Regulus leaned back into the chair, opening his legs wider to offer James a perfect view of how soaked he was before he brushed the toy over the sensitive nerves. James whined as Regulus moaned in pleasure, his cock already half hard from the view before him. Regulus pushed the vibrator inside of him and writhed, rocking his hips and crying out in pleasure. James could practically taste the orgasm building inside Regulus already.
"Baby, you're so fucking pretty, I wish you could see yourself."
"Maybe I was wrong about you," Regulus said between moans, fucking himself on the vibrator without inhibitions.
James hummed and leaned forward, dropping his bound arms between his knees so he could get himself closer to Regulus. "Wrong about what, baby?"
"Maybe you can't be trained after all." Regulus gasped, arching his back as he rode through another orgasm.
"Probably not," James laughed darkly. "I've never let anyone boss me around before. Give a man a little credit for his efforts? You're irresistible after all."
"Fuck it—" Regulus turned off the vibrator and tossed it on the bed next to James as he lowered his legs. He reached forward and undid the buckle of the belt binding James' arms together and massaged the skin there, ensuring that he hadn't lost any feeling in the limbs.
James laced his fingers into Regulus' dark curls and pulled him in for a sloppy kiss, his head spinning at the taste of himself on Regulus' lips. "We could still use the toy, you know."
Regulus raised an eyebrow in question, giving James a nonverbal prompt to continue.
"You could keep fucking yourself with that toy, which I loved watching by the way, holy fuck— And I could fuck that tight ass of yours at the same time."
Regulus sat in the chair staring for a moment, seemingly too stunned by the suggestion to speak.
"If you don't want—"
"I want. I've just… I've never done that before. Both, at the same time."
"I'll make it so good for you, sweetheart." James leaned in for a quick kiss. "Get on the bed for me on all fours, yeah? I'm assuming you've got lube in this box of yours." He leaned back towards the box and rummaged through until he found a bottle of lube. As he searched, he felt the bed shift with Regulus' weight. When he looked back over, he saw Regulus on the bed with his ass in the air, staring at him with a glassy, contented expression. James picked up the discarded vibrator, turned it on, and handed it to Regulus. "Don't stop, baby."
He watched as Regulus adjusted his body so that he could fuck himself on the toy and moaned at the sight. Gripping Regulus' ass, James parted his cheeks and lapped at the ring of muscle while Regulus continued to writhe and moan beneath him. When James had determined that Regulus was thoroughly relaxed, he coated his fingers with lube and gently pushed in one finger.
"You take me so good, baby. Fuck, it's like you were made for this." He continued to work Regulus open, pushing his finger in and out in time with the way Regulus was moving the vibrator. He coaxed a second finger inside and felt Regulus tense at the change. James used his other hand to rub soothing circles into his ass, whispering sweet words to relax him. "Just breathe, baby. You're doing so good. So good for me."
Regulus preened, relaxing almost instantly at the praise. He pushed his ass into James further, begging for more with his body instead of his words. James continued to work his fingers, opening him gently so that he would continue to relax into the feeling. He knew it would burn when he pushed his third finger in and when he did, he heard Regulus take in a sharp breath, but he didn't tense like he had earlier. Instead, he rocked into his hand, never once faltering in fucking himself with the vibrator. James felt the vibrations up his arm and groaned at the thought of how obscene it was going to feel to be inside of Regulus in just a few short moments. He continued to scissor his fingers, working Regulus open and prepping him to avoid the burn as much as possible.
"Daddy, if you don't fuck me soon I'm going to lose my mind."
"I just want to make sure you're ready, baby." James moved his fingers slower, teasingly.
Regulus whined, pushing his ass back into James' hand. "Please, I'm fucking ready and you know it."
James hummed, pretending to be deep in thought and stilling his fingers. "I'm not sure you're begging nicely enough, baby."
"Please, Daddy. Please, I need your cock." Regulus arched his back impossibly further, tempting James with such a beautiful view he couldn't resist.
"Well, since you asked so nicely, baby." James pulled his fingers away and slicked his cock with lube before lining himself up at Regulus' entrance. "Remember to use your safe words, baby. If it hurts, pull the vibrator out, okay? It shouldn't hurt, just relax into it."
Regulus nodded.
"Words, baby." James was so close to losing his self control.
"Yes, Daddy. If it hurts, I'll stop. Now for the love of God, please fuck me already."
James laughed darkly and slapped Regulus' ass for the bratty behavior before he began to slowly inch himself inside. Regulus moaned, a needy and wanton thing, and James felt him slow the movement of the vibrator as he pushed himself into his body. The vibrations traveling through Regulus' body into his cock made his breath hitch with pleasure. He paused his movements when he bottomed out, waiting for Regulus to squirm or begin moving the toy again before he fucked into him with reckless abandon.
"Fucking—Move, James."
James slapped his ass again, not moving an inch. "That's not who I am to you right now, baby. And that's not how you speak to me."
"You're having a real fucking power trip for someone who was tied up a few minutes ago."
"You're having a real fucking power trip for someone who's filled up in every hole." James leaned forward and shoved two fingers in Regulus' mouth, pushing them deep and making Regulus gag from the surprise. When the shock subsided, Regulus moaned and swirled his tongue around. "I'm going to fuck you now and the only thing you're going to say is please and thank you, Daddy."
Regulus nodded around his fingers and James pulled away so he could finally move his hips. His pace was relentless, ignoring the pace that Regulus had set with the toy and fucking into him for nothing but the pursuit of his own pleasure. Regulus moaned and writhed beneath him, pushing his hips back into James in an attempt to keep pace. The vibrator continued to buzz, sending both of them into heightened sensitivity, and James knew that despite his earlier orgasm, he wasn't going to last long.
"Please," Regulus moaned. His back was shiny with sweat and when he looked over his shoulder at James, he noticed that his usual waves were stuck to his forehead. His cheeks were flushed with pleasure and James nearly came at the sight of him completely undone beneath him.
"Please, what, baby?" James asked as he continued pounding into him.
"Wanna cum. Want you to cum. Please, Daddy."
"Want me to fill you up, baby?"
Regulus let out a loud moan and James felt his body tense in pleasure.
"Fuck, baby. I've got you, cum for me one more time. I'll give you what you need."
That was all it took for Regulus to become undone and at the feeling of those muscles tightening and relaxing around him, James came hard and fast. He thrusted impossibly deeper inside of Regulus and spilled every drop inside of his body, marveling at the feeling.
Regulus pulled the toy out of himself and switched off the vibration before chucking it to the side on the bed and going completely limp beneath him. James collapsed on top of him, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him in close as he turned to his side, spooning Regulus while still inside of him. He didn't want to be apart yet. He needed this closeness after the intensity of what they had just done together. He kissed Regulus' shoulder and hummed a mindless melody to himself, completely sated and satisfied.
After a few minutes, it was Regulus who broke the silence. "James, you-you're still inside of me and we're disgusting."
"Shh, sweetheart. One more minute." James felt his eyes growing heavy and his cock softening inside of Regulus' body.
"If we stay like this for one more minute, you're gonna fall asleep. We're sticky and gross. I can't sleep like this. Let's shower."
He felt Regulus pulling away and teasingly bit down on his shoulder, earning himself a rare laugh from Regulus, and then Regulus did pull away and James let out a whine. He opened his eyes and while his vision wasn't great without his glasses, it was clear enough to witness the eyeroll reserved just for him. Regulus held out his hand in offering and James groaned as he grabbed it and got up from the bed, allowing Regulus to lead him into the bathroom down the hall.
James watched as Regulus leaned over to adjust the water on the shower, staring at his ass and the evidence of his orgasm dripping out onto his thighs. He stepped closer and brushed a hand along Regulus' upper thigh, trailing up slowly, and gathered the cum leaking from his body onto his fingers. Regulus hitched a breath and leaned in, encouraging James to push his fingers inside of Regulus' ass.
"Not satisfied?" Regulus asked on a breathy moan.
"More like you make me feel insatiable. Besides, you wanted me to fill you up. Seemed like a waste to have it dripping out of you already." He pumped his fingers a few times before pulling them out and smacking his ass playfully. "Shower's ready, yeah?"
"Hmm? O-oh, yeah." Regulus stepped into the stream of water and James followed right after, letting the warm water soothe his tired muscles. They went through the routine of showering, exchanging sweet kisses and pulling each other close. They washed each other's bodies and hair and James felt like he could cry over the small acts of intimacy that they shared. When they finished, Regulus turned off the water and James toweled him off slowly, methodically. He made sure to touch every part of his body with the plush towel, immediately followed by soft kisses. When Regulus was dry, James wrapped a towel around his own hips and kissed him gently, reverently. Savoring the taste of him on his mouth, he hoped that Regulus would know how precious he was without words.
"It's getting late…" Regulus murmured between kisses.
James kissed him again, pulling his body impossibly closer. "Can I stay?"
"James, listen—"
"If you want to keep this casual, I get it, I just…"
Regulus' brows knit together. "You're the one who said you don't date, James. The shower together was pushing my boundaries of domesticity for a casual hookup."
"I know what I said—"
"Look, it's late—"
"No, let me finish. Please?"
Regulus sighed, pulling away slightly and James shivered at the loss of him. "Fine, but can we put clothes on first?"
"Yeah," James nodded. "Yeah, let's get dressed and have some tea or something."
They padded back to the bedroom in silence and Regulus pulled out clean clothes from his dresser. James picked up his discarded clothing from the floor and winced at the idea of pulling them back onto his body when Regulus wordlessly handed him a pair of sweatpants and a threadbare band tee.
"They might be a little tight, but that's the closest I've got to your size."
"Thanks, sweetheart." James smiled and pulled the clothes on. Regulus was right that they were a little tighter than he'd usually prefer, but they were still more comfortable than his jeans would have been. He grabbed his glasses from the nightstand and placed them back on his face.
Regulus' body was lost in the sea of baggy sweatpants and over-sized tee that he picked for himself and James smiled at the memory of meeting him for the first time and having to pull off so many layers that he lost count. He followed Regulus out of the room, down the hallway, and into the kitchen where he filled a kettle with water and placed it on the stove to boil.
"I—"
"Peppermint?" Regulus asked, effectively stopping James from beginning the conversation he was itching to have. "I also have lavender?"
"Peppermint is fine." He answered. He let the silence draw out between them as Regulus worked to prepare their tea and when he was finally handed a steaming mug, he followed Regulus into the living room and sat next to him on the couch.
"Okay, now you can finish."
"I want to take you on a date."
Regulus quirked an eyebrow in disbelief. "A date? This coming from the man who said he doesn't date."
"I don't—"
"And yet here you are, asking me for something you don't do?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
James let out a breath, gathering his thoughts and his nerves. "I really like you—"
"You don't know—"
"Let me finish. You said I could finish." James looked at Regulus earnestly, begging him with his eyes to listen to what he had to say before reacting.
Regulus leaned back into the couch and waved a hand for him to continue.
"I don't date. I haven't ever wanted to until I met you. And maybe this is fucking crazy, I feel fucking crazy, but I feel like I've known you my entire life. Like I've known you in every life I've ever lived. Like I've loved you in every one of them. And sure, we don't know each other very well here and now, but I feel like I know you. Like I could grow to love you in this lifetime too. Those months where you had my number but didn't reach out? I felt like I was missing a limb I never knew I had before I met you. I didn't seek anyone out in our time apart, I mean— Fuck, the guys on the team made fun of me for not taking home girls when we'd go out like I usually did. For ignoring everyone who threw themselves at me. None of them were you. I don't expect us to just magically fall in love and live happily ever after, but I really want us to give this a real shot." James finally looked up at Regulus. His eyes were red rimmed and tears gathered there, on the precipice of being spilled. "Don't cry, baby, I'm sorry—"
"Do you mean it?" Regulus' voice was small and shaky, like he was afraid to be this vulnerable.
"I do. But I need you to know before you agree to go out with me that we'd have to keep us a secret. At least until after the drafts. I-I really want this, I really want us, but I've been working my entire life to get into the NFL and they're just…"
"You can't be openly queer in football." Regulus said, his voice hollow and empty of emotion. The tears gathered in his eyes rolled down his cheeks and James leaned forward to wipe them away with his thumb.
"Not yet. I can be the first, but I need to get drafted first. I'm willing to be the first, if it means I get to keep you, as long as you know what kind of attention would fall onto you too."
"What kind of attention?"
"The homophobic kind. The picking apart everything about you and your life kind. The transphobic kind, undoubtedly."
Regulus flinched.
"I don't need an answer tonight, it's late and it's a lot to think about—"
"Ask me again."
"Regulus…"
"Ask me again."
"Can I stay the night?"
"Yes, James. I'd love that. But on one condition."
James smiled. "Anything for you."
"You have to take me out to breakfast in the morning. On a date."
"I'd be honored, baby."
#jegulus fanfiction#jegulus#marauders#marauders fanfiction#james potter#regulus black#james potter x regulus black#james potter is a simp#marauders era#harry potter fanfiction#jegulus smut#marauders smut#my writing#ao3 fanfic#ao3 writer
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I need mutuals only posts so fucking bad dude
#tommy.txt#UUGHHH#UAGHHH#nothing's going on I'm just thinking how shitty it is#how like I have to be careful not saying AAANYTHING that could show up in a tag search#bluh!!!
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My haitani father Shio headcanon is just a bit too funny cuz of how well it works that it sounds like a waste of perfect canon idea and crossover for both of wakui's works.
Aside from the obvious physical features very very obvious, identical eyes, nose, blonde eyebrows, rindou's face form, ran's hair color palette and (arguably) bonten hair style, blah blah i mean just look a the pictures below, you can also bring up any fact from either manga and add it to the hc and it fits in just SO WELL, i'll give the first example, The Haitanis are very obviously rich spoiled kids like have you seen their apartment? They have a fucking dj set, only rich kids with neglective powerful parents will have no problem paying for that, just saying, and even though i love him let's be real Shio is the type to be that parent, i mean cmon he's rich like crazy rich (filthy yakuza money yum yum) he tots would give his children WAY more than enough allowance so they can leave him alone, also the way they act, i've always the Haitanis were the type of kids that think they own the school cuz their dad is rich .
Nvm if this never becomes canon or both universes don't collide, it's just so entertaining to keep connecting the dots that were likely never there, like how Rindou is a heavy drinker cuz his father drank alot with the rest of the Yotsurugis and he tried to imitate him from a young age that it became an unhealthy habit or if you want to add more drama he only drinks cuz he looks up to his father but Shio favors Ran cuz he can posssibly succeed him (canon power complex) so Rindou resorted to drinking cuz it's the only thing like his dad that he can do. Heck yeah i made it angsty!!!
You can also add great context to his fear of Yakuza, picture this, when he was a kid he got up in the middle of night after hearing a loud noise to search for his parents and witnessed Shio (canon Yakuza) pew pew-ing some poeple and surrounded with scary men, that probably scarred him for life that he was so terrified when Kakucho got them interfering with some, OH OH something just came to mind, if he's the son of a yakuza yeah he didn't wanna clash with other yakuza families cuz it can end in a blood shed and risk his and his family's lives.
And i'm gonna add this one not very small detail and i swear i'll shut up (for now), i know it's just a stupid headcanon that is very far from becoming reality and i don't have to take it this deep but hear me out, why their last name is Haitani and not Yotsurugi like their dad, Shio is powerful and have many enemies right ? So he simply decided to protect his children and their identity by giving them another last name likely their mother's (yk like minato with naruto style plan ?) So Haitani is actually their mom's family name. I rest my case. Thank you for coming to my useless ted talk.
#i officially announce i have gone crazy#this is like my new hyperfixation until i find a better headcanon that is more likely to be canon#actually you should all thank me#i just made up a way for the haitanis to be useful for once in their lives#kinda#i mean we already established they bring absolutely nothing to the table#we don't have to go through that again#let's put it in a simple equation#tokrev plot - haitanis = no big difference#but Shio on the other hand is the main antagonist so far sooooo#in my logic by relation they are sort of useful in some way (through nepotism)#i saved the narrative you're welcome#also an addition no one asked for or thought about ran is their dad's favourite but loves his mom more#while Rindou is mama's boy (yk how moms prefer the youngest) but looks up to his dad#speaking of their mom i think she's like from another powerful family#and based on shio doing anything to gain more power that's probably why he married their mom in the first place#OMG ARRANGED MARRIAGE WITH SHIO IS INVADING MY HEAD AFTER I THOUGHT ABOUT IT FOR A SPLIT SECOND#WRITERS IF YOU'RE SEEING THIS PLLLLSSSSSS#oh and apparently Shio is also in Roppongi so that's that.#i really took calling him daddy shio to a whole other level lol#tokyo revengers#ran haitani#rindou haitani#negai no astro#astro royale#haitani brothers#shio yotsurugi#i'm gonna call my new masterpiece of a shitty hc#the wakui multiverse of madness
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alright everybody can we please stop tagging me/talking about me in the notes of pro keefe/sokeefe posts. i know strieefe has made it so that it's really funny to talk about how much i love him and how much i'm in denial when i say negative things about him under those posts (and that's all in good fun and not the problem), but we have to think about the fact that the ops are just trying to make a positive post and probably don't want a keefe hater in their notes /srs
#i'm not mad or anything like that. promise. it's just a phenomenon i've noticed that has slowly started becoming a trend#it just becomes increasingly difficult to respond in a way that stays true to my opinions while ALSO trying not to offend op#so i usually end up ignoring those mentions or reblogging with like “no comment” or something. which isn't fun for anybody#i've had this happen more than once by more than one person. this is a pro keefe/sokeefe post why are we talking about me of all people#i don't want to offend op with my inevitable anti keefe opinions. talking about keefe haters on a pro keefe post is . . . a choice#i make an effort to try to stay out of pro keefe/sokeefe spaces. trust me when i say i have seen whatever post you're tagging me in#i'm a kotlc tag stalker to the core. i have SEEN these posts don't worry. i just don't interact with them. that's all#when i see them i am definitely tempted to go on a rant about how wrong op is about sophie and keefe's dynamic and how it actually SUCKS#or how much keefe is a shitty character with a poorly written arc and atrocious six-year-old humor. i have written about this AT LENGTH#but guys. the notes of a pro keefe post is NOT the place to be summoning me of all people. what do you even want me to say#i've been @ed on posts like “i love sokeefe” “keefe sencen. you agree. reblog” “people that don't understand sokeefe just don't get it”#<- all fake examples btw. but close enough to real posts i've been summoned to#and it's like. i mean yes i COULD go on a rant about how much i thoroughly disagree. but like. it's just not polite. so i won't#atp how am i even supposed to respond to your mention? i don't even know#on top of that if i reblog a pro keefe post with an anti keefe response for all my probably mostly anti keefe followers to see----#----then they'll agree with me. that version will get reblogged and soon there might be more people on op's post that disagree with them#okay this got way more incoherent than originally intended. hopefully it got the point across. and so on#just things to think about! nothing wrong with @ing me on keefe posts just think about how you want me to respond before @ing me----#----or if i will even be able to respond in any real capacity at all#kotlc#kotlc fandom#keepblr
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Just a completely random thought but like...
I am truly starting to believe, at least for people my age (so late 20s- early 30s range), our parents didn't actually want children. Not in the way that matters.
They didn't want unique, individual, whole other people to raise into adults. They didn't want to do the amazingly hard work of being a parent- in that being a parent entails making sure your children can go out into the world and be their own people and make their own way, and it is your job as the person raising them to prepare them for that as best you can.
They wanted "children". As in dolls. As in "look at this thing I made let's talk about how great I am for making it". As in "let me brag about all of my child's accomplishments, those are all on me, but if they fail that is on them". As in "my child matters in what they can give me, not in who they are as a person of inherent value". As in "this was expected of me and I did it and now I am going to raise this human being the same way my parents raised me".
As in "why doesn't my fully grown adult child talk to me anymore? They're so entitled! They're so whiny! They DARE tell me I didn't do a good job parenting them! They DARE tell me I hurt them! They DARE express that they have feelings and thoughts and wants and a life outside of what I imagined for them in my head, outside of what will look good on me! How dare they not be a little thing I can hang on my fridge with a magnet and point to and say look my baby loves me. Look I am a good parent- that means I am a good person. Look I became a parent and that means I am GOOD. How DARE they undermine my entire identity as a Good Parent by telling me that I messed up?"
#this got really specific I know#im just having Thoughts this morning#prrobably spurred on by the fact that I am like#making a lot of changes related to my disabilities and conditions#and thinking about how even the fact that like#we all but KNEW I had something going on#didn't stop my parents from acting like I was messing up#and yet they were prefectly happy to brag about all the shit I COULD do right#but whenever I did something wrong it had NOTHING to do with them#and EVERYTHING to do with me#and I'm just having an emotion about that#and about how shitty parents can really be in generral#i know exactly ONE person#who has a solid relationship with his parent
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incredibly moved whenever someone tells me that i'm an easy person to be around when they're going through some shit. there's nothing more sacred to me than sitting with someone through death and grief and loss, things that i can't fix or do anything about except be there and let them feel their feelings without having to pretend to be chipper or hopeful or cheeruppable. i can't pretend to feel what i don't feel, which makes me weird and awkward in so many interpersonal situations, but i think it's also what makes people feel comfortable sharing this stuff with me, because they know that i won't judge them and they don't have to perform for me. i feel so lucky when i can provide that for somebody. i wouldn't trade it for anything.
#i wish my friends didn't have to go through hard shitty stuff. but when they do - because we all do sometimes - i am so thankful that#they feel they can share it with me#it's amazing how much a difference it makes to just be there and be genuine and not burden them with expectations#of how they should be reacting to something. like i guess that's pretty rare#and i sort of stumbled into it by being incapable of faking emotion. so i couldn't be fake chipper even if i wanted to#idk i feel like my first reaction when someone says this is like. i didn't even do anything?#but sometimes that's what you need! i think people get so in their head about doing and saying the exact right thing#and somehow 'fixing' someone's pain#when what actually matters is just being there. even if you don't know what to say. even if there's nothing you can do#just being there and letting them be sad. so they don't have to also be alone while they're sad#i can't make my friends less sad & that's almost never my goal. they're sad bc sad shit is happening. they need to be allowed to feel it#which i think probably also stems from my own history of depression and suicidality and the ways that people have reacted to that#i'm sure trying to help me but in reality actually just making me feel like i couldn't talk to anyone about it#because everyone just needed me to be okay#but i wasn't okay. and being expected to pretend like i was so other people wouldn't have to worry was making it harder#and more isolating. so i guess i just never want anyone to feel like if they're in pain they have to be alone#grief#relationships#my posts
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Hi, I wrote my first evak fic in early 2023, before that I had been an avid reader for years. I know the fandom is a little quiet but there's this hardcore group of writers and readers that seem to have been around since the start and all know (of) each other. I don't know how to word this without sounding envious but it seems to me that group doesn't really read, comment on, give kudos or support new fics outside of their little circle. I want to believe it's a time issue but I have to say it comes across cliquey and a little hurtful. I really hope I am just being an insecure baby but I would be so happy if the established and popular writers would give me feedback and leave comments.
hiya! congratulations on writing and posting! i know it can be a big, scary jump from reading to writing and sharing, so applause for that in the first place.
i'm sorry your contributions to the fandom haven't been received the way you'd like them to be. if i'm included in this group of writers and readers, then, well my reasons for not reading/commenting/supporting are possibly going to be more hurtful than what you're already experiencing! i've whined about it years ago (first here, then here), and unfortunately it all still stands, because i have done absolutely zero work on bettering myself as a human being. i think i've read a handful of fics, mostly because they've been sent to me directly, with someone asking for my thoughts, and i managed to put in the effort to read it and offer a polite response. but there are also a bunch of fics that have been shared with me that i haven't read, even when i've said i would. i'm sorry if you have specifically done this with me in the past, because i have not treated your work, your creativity, with the respect it deserves.
i can't speak for anyone else, on how they choose to spend their time reading or writing, or the relationships they have with other fans. on the one active skam discord i'm in, i think a lot of them know each other from other fandoms, or have different relationships beyond writing/reading skam fic. also, as skam fades, people might only have the bandwidth for enjoying and supporting fanworks from established relationships, the same way you still want to support a favorite author even when you or they have changed genres or whatever.
but in reality i don't know the group where this is happening or why. i agree, it would be nice to receive more readers and commenters in general, and being jealous of the attention other people receive is natural. but i don't know how to change your relationship with that group, or my relationship with reading & supporting.
#y'all should see the tailspin i am in right now#i do not like examining my own habits because they are so disappointing!#but there's the explanation for why i don't read#IF I AM EVEN INCLUDED IN THIS GROUP???#or am i just supposed to commiserate as an outsider? IDK#of course i automatically assume i am at fault#i do know that the fact that i don't read fic has pissed people off before#unfortunately pissing people off is not enough to change my behavior#as anyone willing to scroll through my asks on this website could tell you#but also you would not want my comments if i felt obligated to give them#and i think the people i've beta'd for would agree#i do not go into it as a fan#or as an appreciation#i go into it very defensively#which is a shitty relationship to have with art#anyway i am sorry that this is your experience and that i may be contributing to it#i do not have a solution for you#nor do i want to like.....guilt people into reading fic#and the way i cope with this#the way i coped with it back in the day when the fandom had more popular writers and reading groups#was by hiding#and lowering my expectations#i gave nothing to the fandom and i expected nothing from it#kerryrants#aka how i tag the posts when i'm being an asshole
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#I know I have nothing to complain about really#like at all#I'm healthy and my family are healthy#and technically my career is going great#and all that#on paper everything is perfect#but I just have this weight in me all the time#and I think about how the next few months/year might go and it all just feels so bleak#and then I feel guilty for feeling that way#and then I feel guilty about everything#I'm so tired of being a shitty person#I really have nothing to complain about#and yet here I am complaining#anyway#just got to keep going#😁😁😁
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It always seems a bit unbalanced on The Great Food Truck Race when there will be multiple teams who are cooking a wide variety of complex dishes with 10 different components and a bunch of prep work, and then there's that one team who like... exclusively serves plain crepes with some premade nutella on them, or plain waffles with just some whipped cream and cut up strawberries lol...
#AND then they'll be the winning team or whatever and its like... wow... imagine that... I wonder how its possible that they can get#more dishes out faster than the other teams... hrrmm.... lol#Not that they aren't still doing work like. obviously it's still hard and there's still a sales component and other stuff to be done#but It's just kind of unbalanced seeming when one group is serving like grilled shrimp sandwich with 3 homemade sauces and a#slaw and two sides and the other people are like... slicing fruit and drizzling a bottle of hersheys chocolate syrup on top of some thing#they just threw in a waffle maker for a few minutes#You see the footage of the teams cooking and everyone is like prepping a ton of different things and meat and vegetables and they have#boiling pots and pans and fryers going and tossing stuff in bowls and compiling these multi component dishes#and then That One Team is always just casually slicing bananas or doing some whipped cream in a bowl gbjhbhj#They usually dont even make their own caramel or chocolate sauces or anything. Nutella out of a jar babey!#So all you're really Making is like... whipped cream. and some sort of batter (waffle. crepe. etc)#If I got placed in a competition like that and I found out one of my opponents just sold waffles or pancake sticks or etc#like that I would just be like... okay.. I'm out then. bye. OR I would pivot and be like.. right I shall remove all complexity from my menu#whatsoever and just start selling plain balls of fried dough with powdered sugar or plain fries with nothing on them or something lol#update: OH my god.. one of these teams on a newer season is selling a 'bonus add on' where you can add#cinnamon sugar and caramel syrup (possibly not even home made by them???? just from a bottle) for $5 extra on your order#If I bought a $12 waffle from a food truck and they were like 'hey do you want to upgrade? for only $5 we'll drizzle a teaspoon#of caramel and sprinkle a little sugar and cinnamon on there!' I feel like I would cancel my order and walk away.#that is a $1 add on at MOST.. for a freaking DRIZZLE of caramel sauce LOL#and of course this team is in the top 3... squirrel.... come ON...#Which I know all these shows are fake and bad and whatever. I dont watch them seriously. I think I liked the first few seasons#but then anything past like season 4 (or whenever they started having established people who already ran food trucks on there#instead of taking a bunch of peope who had never run a food truck before and giving them one - which is a much more equal footing#premise to me) I have just been increasingly annoyed at and I really just have the show on for background noise#whilst doing chores or something and am not genuinely paying that much attention but... my god.. At least try to pretend its fair lol#WHICH I KNOWW... you can say 'well the other teams could do similar if they wanted.' or blah blah. tehcnically it's THEIR choice to#make stuff from scratch and not sell a bunch of packaged frozen chicken wings dropped into a fryer over a shitty 6min waffle or etc.#but... I will never respect a $5 for 1tbsp of caramel sauce type of situation.. even if they win.. you will always be losers in my heart#So many teams with real cooking skill & good concepts go home to the 'slap nutella on fried dough' people... how...
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Wish there was an elixir that wasn't alcohol that you could take that just makes you write/draw and not care about the quality of your work or about what your potential audience might think
#posting cringe today lol#don't fall for my seeking reassurance pls the OCD has gotten kind of bad#the other elixir is just bugging my partner and desperately seeking reassurance from them sdghfds yikes#been going through another feeling-like-crap week i think it's just the mental illness at this point. like if it's all the time? hm.#but tumblr's new look might also be making me despair a little because it's just getting shittier and shittier lol#and this is the only platform i can post my work (besides ao3 but i mean.)#instagram is a shitty place for art. as is twitter now. if not tumblr then it's gotta be nowhere#like at this point i can't even just write or draw something for my own eyes. don't know why.#sig mayhaps the fact that your interests are becoming more specific/niche is causing you to fall into familiar patterns and self-isolate hm#like it's easier to self-isolate if you come up with reasons to be alone. just a thought.#i should dig into that lol.#overshare hours#haven't even been able to just sit down and catch up on reading fics because of This Feeling. like i just do nothing all the time.#i'm also sick and can't seem to kick this cold though. coughing is driving me crazy#alcohol mention#alcohol tw#tw alcohol#idk how to tag. if this site could just decide on one way to tag content warnings...
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As the pendulum is swinging back to “stop shaming people for leaving likes”, I am going to go on record to say I don’t like like because they’re a purely “number go up” metric that most people do not treat with the kind of thoughtful affection people who talk about leaving “little kisses for the people they follow” treat them as. I feel this exact same way about kudos in that mindless interaction from a potential audience is a real “good for you” kind of situation that simply does fuck all for me.
And before someone can call this grind culture brainrot, I also feel this way about reblogs without commentary. Good for you. I'm glad I was a good dancing monkey, enough for you to go “hey [people following me], lookadis guy”, even if you’re not gonna actually tell me that. We can talk about our choices for engaging with things and people on this site all we want, but intent isn’t magic, and I’m gonna reserve the right to complain about how that treatment feels regardless.
#van stuff#Anyway you as an individual are allowed to use this site however you want obviously#I'm just asserting that my memory is longer than six months#The reason people STARTED complaining about this was because people were saying shit like 'why are your likes hidden'#and treating 'liking' as the 'passive sharing' that reblogging without commentary used to be#Tumblr has historically had GARBAGE passive boosting options as the 'For You' tab is a fresh invention that barely fucking works#and new users were actively deluding themselves into thinking likes *were* engagement and demanding people show their likes to others#to make the user experience of this site more like the sites they came from#and most people who have been on this site for long enough know that any post with a huge note count#is gonna have a significant amount of threads calling it Fucking Stupid#and people adding likes to that post based on the commentary#Like... many of us actively have 'don't reblog shitty posts no matter how insightful the comments are' policies#BECAUSE boosting the notes of a shitty post is Bad For Discourse#me? a bitter former LJ user who never got over not having comments? Yes.#Am I AWARE that expecting the kind of interaction I enjoy is completely pointless? Also yes#but I'm still just not gonna say nothing as the pendulum swings back to hit me in ther face y'know?#EVENTUALLY it will have to come to a stop -- I just don't want it to come to a stop on 'less conversation happening continually'#also I need to remind myself to go tell wip that I want threaded comments on Tumblr#even Tiktok has them. They would be an incredible boon
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saw a poll today about how peoples' characters regard the dream visitor in its initial guise... I truly don't think row gives a rat's ass about it up until the reveal. if they really take any of its bait it's not until after the tentacles come out
#they do eat the tadpoles. but that's prompted initially by whim and then by spite (during a breakdown on the mountain pass)#not because they want to please a mysterious nothing in their head#but when the mysterious nothing becomes a weird shitty guy who is borderline obsessed with them and also blatantly manipulating them?#tbf a lot of the way they respond is probably circumstantial#there's a lot going on#but the emperor would have had way better luck with them if its approach from the beginning was#Hi. I'm the monster who lives in your pocket and I think you're the coolest thing since sliced bread.#will you eat this cool worm I found I got it for you specially#it's super important#I can't stress enough that row also does not trust the emperor post-reveal. it's just unclear how much that matters. there's a lot going on#and they are someone who will let a lot slide under the right circumstances#oc tag#row
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that's not a shameful secret as a foolish blog it's a 'recognises eret abandoned the idea as soon as it wouldn't make her the main character' secret
LMAO i meaaaan ur not wrong 😵💫😵💫
#root talks#ask#cc neg#<- kinnndaaaa I think#unless im misinterpreting anons intent here lol#anon#but yeah no I hate eternalduo as a ship sjfkkfkf it's 1) boring 2) nothing came of it there was no payoff in the worst way#it's literally just two folks who apparently knew each other and then one dies to protect em and that's the end of that#Like again unless I'm mistaken ceret NEVER checks up on cfoolish after the red banquet#and that like has some really shitty implications!#and wasn't eret going to do a finale? and then. never did bc drm couldn't show for it 🫣🫣#obviously we don't know all the behind the scenes of course of course#but from what she did say foolish was game she was game drm couldn't make it so she calls the whole thing off?#like... buddy drm shouldn't have to be in everybody's lore man's busy#But yeah all this ranting in the tags to say I am unfond of how eret does their lore lol#and their character#and how a honestly fairly minor relationship monopolizes fanon interpretation of lore#this is petty beef i don't think eret is a bad person or cruel or anything like that#very pretty grievances here
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WHY ARE PHONE CALLS SO FUCKING QUIET??? I HAVE MY PHONE AT FULL VOLUME EVERYTIME AND ITS RIGHT NEXT TO MY EAR AND I STILL Can't FUCKING HEAR THE PERSON I'm TALKING TO OR THE SHITTY ASS HOLD MUSIC I HAVE TO LISTEN TO FOR HALF AN HOUR EVERYDAY
#literally I have no hearing difficulty this ain't even processing#why do we pay to expensive ass phones for forever but I still can't have a higher quality phone call#I literally couls have clearer calls on wall home phones I want to stab somthing#nothing has made me more fucking depressed recently than the fucking US and our shitty healthcare system and our school system and#our fuckong gunsssssssss#THERE WAS A SHOTOTING AT MY CAMPUS LAST WEEK. WHY DO WE STILL HAVE GUNS.#WHY CAN I NOT GET A FUCKING PULMOMOLOGIST WHO WILL LISTEN TO ME. WHY Doesn't MY INSURANE COVER ANYBODY BUT ONE MAN WHO FUCKING DISMISSES ME#IVE SPENT THOSANDS ON HEALTHCARE THIS YEAR ALREADY. PAY AND PROTECT FOR MY FUCKING HEALTH LIKE UR SUPPOSED TO DO#no offense my gov officials but recently anytime I think about this country it avtually makes me suicidal haha.#rant#IM OKAY RN I PROMISE I JUST HAD TO CALL MY INSURANCE COMPANYYYYYYY#I will look at a video of a baby hummingbird and feel better 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊😊#also how do I block post where ppl talk about how stupid americans are. I'm well aware.#like obv please rant ur frustions about us pls I will not stop u#but I'm really tired of seeing those popular ones that make me feel FUCKING TRAPPED HERE BC I AM.#IF U COULD SEND ME TO A COUNTRY THAT TEACHES KIDS TO WRITE THEIR ADDRESSES W THE COUNTRY AND THE TERRITORY ID FUCKING LOVE TO GO :):):):):)#long post#literally there is not enough therapy to get me thru dealing w america rn all I can do is doctors visits n grocery shopping n bird watching#ALSO GET ME OUT OF TORNADO ALLEY I'm FUCKING EXHAUSTED
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hate when i see a youtube video that's like 'analyzing why [thing] is bad!' and you watch the video and they just say nothing for twenty minutes
#random thoughts#watched a video on why a specific character was poor representation for survivors of assault#and it was such a nothing burger of a video#'this character is bad because children might see them and think their behavior is okay' okay?#i learned how to block out memories from finn adventure time but that doesn't mean memory suppression shouldn't be addressed in media#plus hazbin hotel. i'm talking about angel dust btw if that wasn't blaringly obvious. is an adult cartoon. for adults#adult cartoons shouldn't have to restrict their subject matter because kids could see it#and angel dust being a male queer SA victim using hypersexuality as a coping mechanism could be good!#and the fact he hits on other people despite it making them uncomfortable isn't exactly a problem a la his character?#it could be a control thing. i used to do something similar (pushing other people's boundaries and complaining when they pushed back)#because it made me feel some kind of control over my life#it could start off as a really shitty joke and then grow into 'oh god is that why he does that??'#but anyway their second main point was that the songs were bad? and that poison being an upbeat song makes it bad#like despite listing many other songs which are upbeat with heavy lyrics. but somehow poison is the exception because it's a cartoon?#like again that could be a character thing. angel dust using obfuscation as a coping mechanism to distract himself from his shitty life.#。・゚゚・the lyrics are upbeat to distract you from how dead i feel inside・゚゚・。#and their reading of the second song seemed really mean-spirited?#like as 'everyone has problems so you're not special because you're a whiny baby' rather than 'you're not as alone as you think you are'#and like if op wanted to just complain about a show they watched then yeah go off i do that all the time#but don't parade it as character analysis???#and they say 'oh reading it as a feelgood you're not alone message doesn't work because these characters' struggles are not equal'#but like. sometimes rape needs to feel like it's not some special trauma. it's not unique and you're not uniquely fucked up for it#two characters' traumas don't need to be directly comparable for them to bond!!!#and im not like. defending hazbin hotel btw. never seen it not going to see it no thanks#i'm just complaining about a mediocre youtube video that i'm going to forget about in a week#god i hate that brand of youtube video. where they just complain about things without going into depth about why they're bad#especially if their complaints are shallow and don't have to do with like. the actual structure of a character or story#like it's so easy to say 'this character is bad because theyre a predatory stereotype' but like. go into some depth at least#i think i hate these videos so much because they're fueled purely by hate. no love for the source material or even a desire to learn#or a love for storytelling even
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