#not until im an experienced chant atleast

[redgreenbluemax]

trying to remember

something happend to me when i was younger just a kid

i used to hammer it into myself that it wasnt that bad compared to what other people might have experienced 

but ive come to realize that what really matters is how it accually effected you and effects you now.

the severety of what happend should only be judged on the effects it has on you.

and it effected me alot (although i didnt acknoledge it at the time or at the very least i didnt know it effected me) and still to this day it effects me

im pretty sure i used to be depressed at a period of time when i was younger after it happend

distancing myself and having trust issues

and i was telling myself it was my fault for it all

i still might be a little depressed now but i atleast is aware more now than then

one thing i distinctly remember was that time felt slowed down but also speed up

like i was living too fast but perciving it so slow or maybe the other way around

another thing is this zoomed out feeling like i was shrinking or melting away from my body seeing everything from another perspective away from my body

and then there was the way i sometimes just forgot to breath... sudden realization with a quick gasp for air

i have a theory that that mustve been caused by depression or maybe more generally by trauma.

i should really go to therapy but there is so much to say and its all out of order and some things i dont even remember since ive represed what happend so much through out the years.

i cant beliece my parents couldnt recognise what i was going through

even though i didnt say anything

there is just no way they didnt know i wassnt ok and that something happend

looking back i sort of created my own form of meditation after every day chanting to myself while selfrefleting into self implotion until i was empty of thouhts 

or maybe the medetation in reality was rationalisation that everything was ok even though nothing was. lying to myself 

or maybe a blend. one day the selfreflectionand another rationalisainf 

mi crying now thinking back 

i  missed so much of my life living in my own head doing what felt like survival 

while others just lived their life carelessly like children are ment to do