#not to mention the significant attention you give trans issues but then stuff like what’s happening in iran was like. barely mentioned

[mithliya]

when will we stop the on and off separatism discourse and on and off “am i a radfem if i-” discourse and the goldstar discourse and the motherhood discourse and the children discourse and is transition mutilation discourse and instead start focusing on the real issues? you guys can discourse like your lives depend on it when it comes to things that’ll ultimately only matter to us and not 99.9999% of women worldwide but when it’s something that DOES affect most women, you give it less attention. when will that stop? can we not just agree to disagree after hashing out such topics to a ridiculous extent and start focusing on things that matter more instead?

[oochaycheesstuff]

An Interview with Samantha Baker

Samantha Baker was born and raised in the suburbs of Chicago in 1968. She was the second oldest of four children - two sisters and a brother. In her family home, she lived with her mom, dad, and siblings. She experienced the classic stuff a teen went through in the 80s: embarrassment, disgust, first love, as well as boys being very forward and not being able to take a hint. Today, Baker lives her life as a loving mother, wife, and health teacher at her local high school. We sat down with her recently to catch up with her and see where she is now in 2021, as well as have her speak on some of her experiences growing up as a teenage girl in the 80s when it came to boys and how she feels about those experiences now.

Hello, Ms. Baker. Thank you for taking time out of your schedule and doing this interview with me.

SB: It’s no problem at all. Thank you for having me.

So, it has been almost 40 years since you graduated high school. That’s a pretty significant anniversary. Is there any time during your high school years that sticks out to you the most or that you remember the most fondly?

SB: A time during high school that I remember the most? Hmm… the number one thing that comes to mind is my sixteenth birthday. My sixteenth birthday was something I had been looking forward to since I was twelve years old. I had it all planned out: a big party with tons of people, a boyfriend, a brand new black Trans Am waiting for me in the driveway. That birthday is one I will never be able to forget, which is funny because all of my family actually forgot it was my birthday on the day of my birthday. I couldn’t believe it. I spent that entire day waiting for any of them to acknowledge me and wish me well, sing to me, anything! But I didn’t get a single thing! It was right around the time my older sister was getting married and everyone was so focused on her that they completely forgot about me. In fact, the only surprises I got that day were my grandparents asking me invasive questions and their Chinese exchange student that I didn’t know about popping up in my room. It completely freaked me out! There was a school dance that night at the school gym and they actually made me bring him along with me. During that time I had a huge crush on this senior named Jake Ryan. He was the main thing that I wanted, but he was already dating this other popular girl, Caroline, who was gorgeous, and blonde, and perfect. I thought I didn’t stand a chance. Well anyway, fast forward to the school dance, I’m watching Jake and Caroline slow dancing. I felt horrible. But then all of a sudden he looks at me, looks away, and then looks back again. It completely took me by surprise and I had to turn away. When I turned around this nerdy kid was right in my face and started making moves on me. It terrified me. He grabbed me and started dancing with me… well… more like dancing around me. He kept touching me and speaking really creepily in my ear. I was not having a good time.

Oh God, that does not sound pleasant at all.

SB: It was embarrassing! When he was too preoccupied with his dancing and wasn’t paying attention to me, I ran out of the gym as fast as I could. Once I got into the hallway, I remember sliding down the wall and crying. I was pretty dramatic back then, but I mean, what teenager isn’t? I saw the guy I had a huge crush on dancing with his girlfriend that I felt completely inferior to and this nerdy kid wouldn’t leave me alone. Anyway, I cleaned myself up and made my way back into the gym to where my friends were and this kid came up to me again! My friends kinda messed with him to the point where he started looking away and rambling, which I took as a time to escape from him… again. I made my way to the auto shop so I could be by myself and he somehow found me AGAIN! He was really relentless.

That sounds like a nightmare. Did you ever figure out a way that made him leave you alone?

SB: Kind of. I was sitting in this car that was missing it’s entire back half when he found me. For whatever reason, which I’m still not sure the reason behind, I unlocked the door for him and let him sit next to me. He makes a comment on how great the night is and I explain to him that it’s my birthday, and eventually find myself going on a rant about how the day did not live up to my expectations whatsoever. I think he started to feel bad and decided to cheer me up by telling me a secret of his. He told me that he had never actually been able to get a girl. Shocking isn’t it? Anyway, he made a comment I can’t quite remember but whatever it was it made me burst out laughing. I guess I made him feel bad and apologized. I guess he took that as a sign to make another move on me. He started to climb on top of me, bumping the car horn, and I had to yell at him and push him off of me. He sat back down and looked upset. I told him not to worry about it, and he took that as a sign AGAIN to get on top of me, which resulted in me reacting the same way as before. I pushed him off and scolded him again. Somehow we were able to get to having a normal conversation about my own nonexistent love life and I told him how I was saving myself for someone in particular, Jake. To my surprise he told me that Jake had asked him about me! I’m sure you can imagine how excited I was about that. He kind of hypes me up and convinces me to find Jake and talk to him. I don’t know how I was able to turn my night around with this kid but somehow it ended up working in my favor. I’ve been going on and on about this night, so to make a long story a bit shorter, I’ll just say that on my sixteenth birthday my family forgot my birthday, but I ended up knowing my crush might like me back and ended up giving my underwear to the creepy kid so that he could prove a point to his friends. And that’s all I’ll say about that.

Woah. That’s a big turn around from where the night started with you two. When telling that story, you mentioned multiple times how the kid kept making advances towards you when you repeatedly would reject him. That is something that a lot of people, especially young girls and women, experience many times throughout life. What do you think is the reason behind why he wouldn’t stop making those advances on you when you repeatedly showed no interest?

SB: Obviously I cannot speak for him specifically, but I think there were a few factors that played into why he and other boys and men that act this way do what they do. I believe that the movies and shows kids are exposed to play a major part in what they deem right or wrong. You know, this was the ‘80s. There were so many movies being made at that time that had so many questionable and distasteful messages that downplayed or completely disregarded how unacceptable behavior like that is. I turned sixteen in 1984, which is the same year movies like Revenge Of The Nerds came out. At the time, movies were being created that didn’t reprimand the behavior of men and boys that behaved in the manner of the characters in those movies. The characters were always seen as the hero of the movie, despite them doing horrible things. I think because of that, a lot of boys and men believed that it was acceptable to act like that, when it’s most certainly not okay.

Being in a high school setting in today’s world must be very different to how it used to be when you were in high school. More people are being vocal about social issues and movements like #MeToo are making themselves more prevalent. Do you actively talk about those topics in your classes and if so, how are the topics handled?

SB: We absolutely talk about current events in my classes. Being a health teacher, it would be irresponsible to not cover issues like sexual assault and harassment along with the rest of my curriculum. Typically in my classes I will bring up a topic one day, ask my students what they know about the topic, sometimes watch a clip from a show or movie that touches on the subject and always have a discussion afterwards. I might show clips from movies like Animal House (1978), for example, that show acts that are inexcusable and should never be done. It allows for there to be a visual example of the issue at hand and makes it easier to ease into the topic for my students. I will sometimes also show clips from shows like I May Destroy You (2020), to show how different victims might handle or cope with these situations. I try to allow my kids to have access to all the information they need when it comes to serious and sensitive topics such as this.

You mentioned Revenge Of The Nerds and Animal House, two movies that are now looked down upon for some of their questionable plot lines and scenes. Nowadays these movies would be what some might consider “canceled”. What are your thoughts on Cancel Culture and do you also discuss it with your students?

SB: Cancel Culture is a big topic these days. As someone who grew up when the movies mentioned were coming out, there were a lot of things that society was okay with then that are now seen as offensive or insensitive. I think Cancel Culture is a difficult subject, especially when it comes to things that were created or stated during a time when certain topics and actions were deemed acceptable. I believe we should acknowledge the bad and harmful elements of the past and use them as examples of what not to do in the future. There are certain things I have said or acted on that I now know are not correct, and I feel that we should treat the media the same. No one’s perfect, that’s a fact, but it’s important to speak on issues that can cause other people emotional and/or physical pain. These issues should not be taken lightly.

[rantingsurvivor]

tw: details of abuse, description of past suicide attempts.

My name is Sean Evans, I am an autistic transmasc (ey/em or he/him) who lives in Abbotsford, BC, and from 2018 until June 2020, I was emotionally and sexually abused by Monica Phillips (aka "joyousmonica" or "supruler" on various sites, and an official "Pokemon Professor" who runs Pokemon TCG League events at House of Cards Abbotsford when they aren't cancelled cuz of the 'rona).

I started dating Monica in 2011, and she moved in to my house in early 2012.

In 2018, she cheated on me; when I confronted her, she told me that if I cared about her happiness, I would accept her relationship with the person she cheated with, Beru Bell (aka "spectacularbear"). At this point, Beru (also autistic & non-binary; uses they/them) began sleeping over numerous times a week, using my workspace as a bedroom. At this time, I was trying to prepare for vending at local Pride events, & was using the common area of our suite as my workspace overnight, particularly on nights when Monica was sleeping with the metamour she HAD told me about before starting a relationship (Liz; I'll talk about her eventually). My warning that Beru was going to sleep over for the night was that they changed into their pyjamas & started setting up for bed in my workspace.

I was accused of being "unwelcoming" for asking Beru to let me know when they were sleeping over before setting up for the night. Actually, I wasn't allowed to

Beru and I have another thing in common: we both have gut issues. In their case, onions were a trigger. When I eventually asked Monica to let me know when Beru was coming home from work with her so I could make sure there were some options they could eat without taking over our only bathroom for hours, Beru interrupted our conversation from across the room to shut down my boundaries. I later got in trouble for a tweet expressing my frustration at the incident, because it made Beru upset. I was accused of not accommodating their autism... because I asked for the ability to schedule my evening & the ability to access our single bathroom that was now being shared by FOUR people, and said that I needed to be able to set boundaries.

Beru Bell did not respect a single boundary I set until the point I insisted on going completely non-contact with them.

It's worth mentioning, throughout this whole thing, Beru had an apartment where they lived alone. Until *I* suggested it (after several months of attempting to be polite), the two of them did not spend any significant amount of time there. Beru DID spend a large amount of time at Monica's work & was just as "bad with boundaries" there as they were elsewhere, to the point where multiple people expressed concern that Monica would be fired from her job at House of Cards in downtown Abbotsford over it.

For a while after I went non-contact with Beru, I thought that Monica might have actually understood why I couldn't be around a person who constantly violated my boundaries, including one memorable occasion where I was lying in my bed half naked with the door shut & talking to Monica, & Beru walked in without knocking or so much as a single word with me & climbed into the bed to cuddle Monica.

During this period, Monica made a new friend, Claire. Monica was very concerned about Claire liking her... and Beru. She was not so concerned with Claire liking me, however. Claire has since accused me of lying about Monica, because Monica told Claire (as well as a bunch of other people, including people that I've never met) that I had no reason to actually dislike Beru & was... idk, jealous?

Monica's story became "Sean consented to me dating Beru & then changed his mind," which is also what she tried to tell the couples counselor we visited.

Not long after this whole mess began, Monica & I both started HRT. Yes, she'll probably accuse me of outing her, no, I don't give a shit- it's relevant to how she abused me. You see, Monica didn't like condoms, and since HRT had prooobably made us both at least temporarily infertile, she didn't see why she should wear one for PIV with me. I was not comfortable with this, but after she started arguing with my objections, I gave up fighting; I was afraid of "picking a fight" by explaining just how uncomfortable I was, not just from the pregnancy-risk induced dysphoria, but because she wanted to have unprotected sex after cheating on me. This happened twice before I basically started ignoring her requests for PIV & exclusively going down on her instead.

Of course, she had to ruin that, too. One day in either late September or early October 2019 (I am Extremely Bad At Dates, but I can narrow it down to like a 10-day window based on the light from outside & other details I remember a lot better than specific dates) Monica came home from Beru's earlier than usual & begged me to go down on her. I can't remember if she actually said the words "right now" when she asked, but she hadn't even finished taking off her shoes when she yelled "Seaaan, I really want you to go down on me" across the house. I remember thinking a couple of things in particular:

"I guess this must be an effect of progesterone that took a few months to kick in?" and

"Liz isn't just at work, she's on a trip, so there's no chance we'll be interrupted by her getting home early."

When I actually started, though, I was kinda confused at first. She tasted strange, and the texture of the fluids was off. Again, I thought it must be the changes to her body chemistry... until I'd consumed enough of the vaginal fluid coating her dick to actually taste HER and realize that what I was tasting before probably came from Beru.

The worst part is, I felt like I was obligated to get her off before I confronted her to confirm what I tasted. So I did. And then I confronted her about whether she'd had bareback PIV with Beru before getting me to go down on her, & she confirmed it. And I felt bad about upsetting her by confronting her, & blamed myself.

& this continued. Every 3rd night, she spent the night at Beru's. It became impossible to schedule around her on those days- when she was leaving, when she'd be back. I'd spend hours on the days she was coming home caught in a limbo because of my inability to actually set a schedule. Monica became even crueler & more distant.

It finally came to a head when I tried to kill myself twice in 4 days in June, at which point she was switching meds and cycling through (equally cruel) manic and depressive states. Both of my suicide attempts this year were motivated entirely by my desire to avoid or cease inconveniencing Monica and Beru. The first attempt was opportunistic & unplanned- around 3 am I realized I was bleeding internally, thought it was a potentially fatal rupture... and decided to try to go to sleep instead of contacting Monica for help. I finally gave in and sent her a message saying I needed to go to the hospital around 6pm the next day.

The second time, I wrote a pseudo-will, calculated dosages, & decided to gamble on whether Liz would brave the awkwardness of actually saying something to me when she got home or just hide in her room & ignore the world. Fortunately for me, she acknowledged me when she got home, so I asked her to hide the painkillers.

That's the night I dumped Monica. Since I broke up with her, she played games for like 2 months about getting her stuff from my garage, continued accused me of sending her to the psych ward (she was on her way there well before my attempts- burning thru half an oz of weed a week & dabbling in shit like GHB while underplaying the fact that her new meds didn't play well with weed was her call, & she made it pretty clear that my concerns weren't really worth paying attention to), and sent the cops to my home on a false "wellness check" in retaliation for rescinding a 5 star review of her workplace & pointing out that using the place where you work *with kids* to meet up with the person you're cheating with isn't cool.

Now, I end up seeing her every time I let my guard down traveling thru downtown Abbotsford, which is a problem, because guess what part of town my house is in? 🙃

TL;DR: Monica Phillips of Abbotsford BC is a rapist who emotionally and sexually abused an autistic trans person over the course of two years. Her partner Beru Bell initiated & participated in parts of the abuse, and repeatedly used their autism dx as an excuse to violate other people's boundaries.

[we-are-threadmage]

I've seen you post some really awesome stuff for a long while now, and maybe you can help me out. I have a friend who is a plus sized lady who needs 4x and 5x clothes. She loves dresses, nerdy stuff, and the hipster/ punk/ rockabilly style of clothes. She used to shop at Torrid and Hot Topic but she no longer fits their sizes. Do you know of, or can you find with your thready magical powers, a site or 9 where she can get her clothes? I hate seeing her so down because her wardrobe is ill fitting.

First, thanks so much for being such a good friend and proactively trying to help: finding out that someone went and did research or sought expertise on an issue you’re burdened with gives a warm feeling I can hardly explain (speaking as a disabled chronically ill person).

Second, I’m absolutely not an expert partly because I have the luxury of not having to deal with this- I may have trouble getting to the store and shopping without making myself ill but I can just walk into any store I want and find something that vaguely caters to my body size.

I therefore tried to reach out to my friends who do struggle to find clothes more than I do as well as doing research (of course I’m going to try and help!) but I just want that context clear.

I’ve accumulated linked suggestions, related posts, and general tips and they’re all also tagged “Plus size ask”.

Your friend is facing a mountain of unfair issues; to a great extent she has no choice but to spend more time looking, more money, more time failing, more money, and also in other ways more money, just to clothe her body at all let alone do so how she wants (to say nothing of how little choice she has in doing so given that if she doesn’t the nastiness increases exponentially).

Depending on how she feels, it may help her to know that her body size is just like my disability: we have essentially no control over it and it’s not wrong - it’s the context of our society refusing to acknowledge, respect and integrate us that makes it a problem.

And/or she’s like, yeah, no, I know and all but I need to not be naked so like get to the useful stuff, lady!

Most of the go-to plus size options me friends mentioned are the ones she’s sized out of; she’s running into the next ‘subdivision’ of access in that it’s a bit better than it used to be for people up to 2 or 3x but anything past that is almost invisible. The farther you go to the edge of any demographic bell curve the harder it is.

My very tall and large friendo did mention that she mostly found clothing by happening to befriend her cadre of trans ladies as they had similar issues to her when it came to clothing options; your friend may also find a significant overlap with the queer community that may or may not help them.

Places I personally checked:

Modcloth- up to 4x-specific plus size section, decent range of styles and types of clothing, inherently more expensive ranging from moderate to very much money, often have detailed reviews which helps one find good investment pieces or fit, personally I’ve had good luck with the support staff for advice, only to 4x not higher that I could see

Fat Owl Fashion- variably to 4x- very new queer, disabled company, selection therefore limited but they are also committed to each new piece being available to anyone and everyone, I suspect they will be very responsive to customers (especially loyal ones) so it’s one to support/watch

Rainbow Shops- variably up to 4x- specific plus size section with intensive filtering options, significantly cheaper (both in price and apparent construction quality), wide style range, wide clothing type range, struck me as a ‘fast fashion’ style store in that things likely change frequently and may sell out quickly although there is always a clearance section

Fat Girl Flow.com- variably up to 5, 6x- entirely geared towards the plus size shopper but with new and therefore limited stock (likely to expand), more than anything this is a blog and a resource goldmine for other resources by someone with actual expertise and worth trawling and following for tips, reviews, special interest articles like budget or swimwear, etc.

Killstar- up to 4x- specific (newish?) plus size section, very much a goth site so certain pieces might help her inject a nice edge or it’s a wash for her depending on her style, only up to 4x not higher that I could see

Chubby Cartwheels- up to 5x- entirely geared towards the plus size shopper, an independent designer out of her home so pros include unique/interesting style and customer attention ( ie “Custom sizing on skater dresses and bodysuits are free, so please don't hesitate to ask!”) cons being limited options/ runs at any given time, medium price point

NerdyKeppie on Etsy- up to 5x- nerdy, queer, disabled independent designer (and cool person if you wanna follow on tumblr at vaspider, Em’s gotten a number of things from them, some custom), dedicated to high quality, durable, ethical, and affordable to the community (a tall combined task, ye?), this means nothing is cheap ($) but also nothing is... cheap(shoddy), it’s also worth noting that they are happy to do custom orders (no extra charge) they just can’t spend the money on permanent listings so you just have to ask (I’m guessing if you require actual extra hours to draw a new image you would accordingly pay for that work but not to just put an existing image on a different shirt style, etc)

On the topic of etsy artisans I suspect there’s lots of others somewhere in there- finding them being the rub. I think it could be time well spent in that she might well find a small handful of designers who really speak to her and are worth being loyal to. If she has to spend more money, it may as well come with better customer service, unique designs, some assurance of quality, and supporting an artist. I think over time a sort of ‘stable’ of independent people she checks on will yield better investment pieces and, eventually, a piece of mind and return of the delight of shopping.

Similarly, I think her best bet is seeking the expertise of people who live this more than me- even if they can shop up to 3x, say, they will still be more likely to know the 5x options out there as well as have strategies on stretching a budget and wardrobe, etc. I recommend she check out plus size beauty/fashion vloggers as listed on this post (Nabela Noor is another). Again I’ve not gone through their work but only she can know what speaks to her (and might find it affirming and fun?)

I found one compilation list post here; I’d recommend either pre-screening for her or being prepared for a high fail rate simply because much of it doesn’t match what I saw and she’s experienced. My guess is it’s old (only a year but) and plus size availability is as inconsistent and ephemeral as gluten free stocks- you pray, dance, and sacrifice a goat plushie each time you go.

I think she’ll go the least crazy if she accumulates a bookmark folder of experts, blogs (like fff.com above), and artists that she can therefore peruse periodically and regularly. That way she has the breathing room to really pick and choose investment pieces, snap up great limited runs or deals, and generally minimize constantly being stuck with mediocre/good enough/ sale-bin-for-a-reason options while glaring at ‘sold out’ stickers mournfully. There’s just so many things limiting availability so I think the regular browse rather than only going ‘as needed’ will serve her better (the way things work at thrift stores or TJmaxx -type places for instance).

My last and either best or worst suggestion depending on her life is that she consider learning to sew. Many of the designers listed started out where she is and just threw up their hands and started making what they couldn’t find. There’s obviously the issue that it will pay off only after the time and money of learning and one-time equipment but with a decent sewing machine you can actually go quite far with a small handful of easy techniques. It only gets crazy when you’re into engineering complicated things like formal gowns, but once you have a couple patterns you like for basics you can make them over and over with endless fabrics or tweaks (one pattern may contain a few neckline and sleeve options for a dress, say, which you can also chop into two so it’s really multipurpose). These days there’s a vibrant maker community online and in person so you can teach yourself almost anything. 

It may be an expensive hassle she doesn’t want to deal with (and while you can get great budget fabric oh boy can you get in trouble :wiggles fingers in imaginary heavy plush weights:). But it might be something empowering that she can do and learn and take control of, so it was worth mentioning.

{Oh my gods I just looked up and saw how long this is, cool cool cool. One final note Chubby Cartwheels happened to incidentally come on my dash while I worked on this, so you will find that post in this ask tag too.}

Thanks again, and best of luck to your friend and her most excellent body in an un-excellent world!