#not just my thoughts too i wna write like for ffxiv or wtvr n
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philo class today oh my god
#tag later#tw death mention#OUR LESSON IS ON DEATH......#had me thinking a lot#yk i have a lot of thoughts but i'm too shy to say them out loud to others#but it reminded me that. i'm generally a strong person yh i know myself well#:<< yk uh. faced w the fear recently of losing a friend reminded me of how valuable life is#including my own. which helped ngl#i'm not particularly afraid of death but i am of losing others#but. i find death interesting#mortality..#i like stories like ffxiv after all haha#i like who i am honestly in general#i have my doubts n insecurities but i do love myself.#when i fall to loneliness though.. i lost sight n forget myself yeah#i wna write more#not just my thoughts too i wna write like for ffxiv or wtvr n#I WAS WRITING THIS IN RECESS THEN FORGOT#2 hours later i am free#MY CRAMPS R KILLING ME BUT I MANAGED TO SURVIVE 😭😭#nyways school reminding me i am intelligent at heart but#yk if i wasn't so sleepy all the time then i'd be unstoppable fr!!!!
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i'll fix my account like tmrrw dw i'll be fine 🥹
evening has come again huh
#i need to do better! more! i really do n i know i can but god it hurts sm i feel so empty right now all these thoughts r weighing me down s#this too shall pass i'll overcome it n make it through as i always do i have to but it really just hurts so much right now i'm sorry#i wish these serene moments wld last forever. even if it's just the silence n. apollo looks happy rn i wna protect that for everyone i love#i have to. hold on. do better. it's hard but it's really the little things that give me so much hope :< i remember n feel n think too keenl#wish i cld at least cry in someone's embrace at least! or be the one to hold another! i would. like that. someday.. 🥹#i have stuff to do i can't waste my time w writing like this rn#i have an assignment due soon n i'm very nearly done with it. it's just math. ez. i'm procrastinating w that n my ones for tmrrw but ez#i'll finish my assignment for today n finish my lunch asap bcs it is halfway to 9 pm (that sounds so bad oh dear)#i shouldn't have napped or something T_T bcs i wasn't sleepy at all this morning but after class i lied down for a bit n slept#oversharing on tumblr again smh i really need to stop! this is how i always am when writing :<#if i'm really free w writing hten there's rlly no end to my words n thoughts. subconsciously end up oft restraining myself in convos#w others but if i'm talking or writing to myself like this oh certainly it probably gets too much now bcs there's no balance but oh well#i want to slowly be more active again w playing ffxiv even if it's just dailies! :c & until the 28th this month i'll prepare more for the f#i want to put an intro in my current fc discord. make one friend at least before i leave. maybe if i have enough time i cld even join#that other one? just for a bit. n i wna play more nier automata .start replicant. n oh i need more storage space for shadow of the colossus#speaking of writing earlier i wna finish that letter fr before the 14th ends. 7k words n it's not yet enough for me#n a lot more things i wna organize. recently life feels like it's spiraling beyond my control n i'm uncertain of even my own self#or maybe i'm just being v dramatic recently bcs my lack of sleep n i'm crying after all n stressed surely it isn't too much#i'm often lost in my head but simultaneously aware of reality n rn i'm just so so confused w everything :<#none of this none of my vents ever happened. i never wrote these words. forget them or smth. it's just overwhelming n i feel lost rn but#surely it's not too much i can handle this i'm fine! i'll be fine i need to get this done or wtvr then i'll be back to my normal self.#i wish i cld. do more to help someway somehow in this world. for others. for you. but. i hate it i'm sorry i can't seem to do anything rn#it feels so empty. i know i'll make it through but it feels so lonely n trying to have better things for myself feels too unreal it hurts#last thought for now fuck all the times i've been made to be insecure of being myself. sometimes i even get afraid of being kind#fuck it hurts remembering some times. i feel so invisible. like i'm not real. i.... i want to hide n disappear somewhere for a while T_T#part of me says i underestimate too much what i mean to others but. i'm sorry.. to everyone. yh doing what i can isn't enough i#need to do sm more n be sm better fuck my thoughts r so overwhelming what will it take for me to feel once more like i can belong#in this world. longing is painful. i long to feel like i'm real like i'm human too n surely my existence must be capable of being part of#one's reality other than my own yh? surely i can be perceived n thought of the same way i do for others. surely i'm not alone in this world#oh. there. it's the persisting problem i've had for most of my life. fuck loneliness i don't understand
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