#north star was fucking crazy and honestly if that happened to me (it did) id never recover

[burnt-tortellini]

god im gonna eat a gasoline what do you mean

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

[televisor-reviews]

Top 10 WORST Movies Of 2018!

As everyone is talking about their favorite and least favorite films of last year, I’d much rather take a look at what came out two years ago! This is what I do every New Year, get used to it. And keep in mind that I haven’t seen every film from 2018, so as bad as I’m sure Sherlock Gnomes and Pacific Rim: Uprising are, I haven’t gotten around to them. If you’d like a list of every film I have seen, I have them listed on my Letterboxd: https://drive.google.com/uc?id=1HnDnQ4ibO82ryM9lOCGgw1FZhVLdC4SZ

#10. Fifty Shades Freed On my 2015 list, I didn’t even bother putting Fifty Shades Of Grey on it because I thought it was absolutely hilarious! On my 2017 list, I placed Fifty Shades Darker at the very top for its lack of even the basics of what makes a decent flick, notably there being no real plot. So I guess I’m meeting this franchise in the middle by putting Fifty Shades Freed at the tenth spot for just how batshit this movie is. Shit kinda just happens randomly with little to no reason while also not being funny in the slightest. In fact, large segments of the film is kinda boring, particularly the sex scenes in which there are so many that by the 20th time, you’d just get used to it like a jump scare in Winchester. Really, the biggest reason this is only at #10 is because Fifty Shades Freed has Freed us all from this series, assuming that a film adaptation of Grey isn’t made. And that’s the greatest compliment I’ve ever given to one of these movies. #9. A Wrinkle In Time I once heard someone justify Disney’s live action remakes by saying they help fund their more unique film escapades like Nutcracker And The Four Realms (which barely didn’t make the list). The problem with that is that I don’t want those ether! And considering how Solo and The Rise Of Skywalker turned out, maybe Disney’s live action department should just stick with Marvel movies. Honestly, I don’t completely remember why I left the theater after seeing A Wrinkle In Time so angry, like legitimately pissed off. I remember the girl who looks like one of the Mean Girls being treated like a member of the Losers Club, how terrible the child acting was, how even worse the adult acting was, how annoying everybody who wasn’t Chris Pine was, and how that little kid was named Charles Wallace because the characters said it at least a million times! Considering how angry I am just writing about it, I’m guessing it was a combination of all of those elements being wrapped up with a pretentious bow. Honestly, A Wrinkle In Time was a humongous waste of my time. #8. Show Dogs It’s a bad sign when the movie starring Bojack Horseman yelling at Ludacris dog is only at #8 on my list. The big reason for that is because this is so terrible that I had to break down laughing at times. Not because Show Dogs is genuinely or ironically funny, it’s just so batshit insane that I had to laugh. Almost like a defense reflex: like if I wasn’t laughing, I’d end up jumping off the roof. The plot is crazy, the acting is crazy, the whole fucking idea is crazy! I’d like you to stop and imagine Will Arnett with the straightest face possible yelling at a dog voiced by Ludacris that nobody can actually hear in the middle of a very serious police station about the dog fucking up an undercover job and somehow not laughing your ass off. That is what it was like watching Show Dogs. You’re welcome. #7. Slender Man I think people really downgrade how good horror has been lately. I know that in a world of Insidious: The Last Key and Truth Or Dare, it’s easy to be pessimistic. And I think people also dismiss the greatness the internet has had on modern pop culture. Considering how bad things like Daphne And Velma and Mowgli: Legend Of The Jungle are, I kinda get it. In reality, these tend to be the outliers among a lot of greatness, but after seeing Slender Man, I’m starting to think similarly. I was one of the only people who was actually excited about this movie because I’m young enough to remember a time when Slender Man: The Eight Pages was the scariest thing in the world and after seeing how well Hollywood treated the character in Beware The Slender Man, I was really hopeful. Little did I know that Madhouse Entertainment had one of the least interesting and least scary horror movies I’ve ever seen with boring characters, a monster that’s barely in the movie, and a script that’s closer to Rings than it is to its source material. I really hope this’ll go the way of Ouija and Annabelle and end up having a really good followup or else Slender Man will be a huge blot on the legitimacy of the internet. #6. Snake Outta Compton I’m gonna be straight with y’all, I have been doing a pretty bad job at keeping up with horror B-movies lately. I mean, I did watch The Last Sharknado: It’s About Time and Leprechaun Returns but those were mostly just mediocre, even within the context of the rest of their franchises. So when I saw the title Snake Outta Compton, I knew I had to watch it expecting something really stupid and funny as all hell. Instead I got a boring and uninteresting barely even an attempt at cinema. I really hated this film, it’s just such a boringly dull film where little to nothing ever happens and I hated every dumb second of it. The terrible rapping, the awful effects, the horrendous acting, everything in snake Outta Compton sucks and I hate it. #5. Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom Remember that god awful polar bear movie starring Rob Schneider from a few years ago… yeah, they made four of those. Normal people would say the first Norm Of The North was the absolute bottom of the barrel, I say “No!… It’s Norm Of The North: Keys To The Kingdom,” and even more suicidal people would probably say it’s Norm Of The North: King Sized Adventure. If you thought the animation in the original was bad, you’ve seen nothing! This is so bad that I’m not even sure it should be considered animation! This is so bad that it makes Duck Duck Goose look like The Grinch! This is so bad that they couldn’t even get Rob Schneider back! The plot, it’s like this is one of those straight to DVD Disney sequels that were made up of episodes of conceled TV shows except why would anyone try to make Norm Of the FUCKING North into a TV show! But apparently it made money considering how (and I’ll repeat this again) there are four of these! Maybe the immense failure of Arctic Dogs will stop Entertainment Studios from making any more. #4. The Thinning: New World Order Speaking of sequels that’ll make the originals look like masterpieces, we’ve got Logan Paul’s magnum opus, coming straight outta that Japanese suicide forest. A film that tells you that a country made up of the smartest 95% of citizens are stupid enough to not catch on to the pretty obvious government plan going on in this universe. Even more so, apparently presidents to be are allowed to just make major laws that’ll arrest about 50% of the population before being sworn in as president. But even more so, I’m to believe that Logan Paul of all people is smart enough to escape these poorly conceived concentration camps. This is a key example of suspension of disbelief gone too far. I don’t believe for a second that this world actually could exist. And I want everyone reading this to remember The Thinning: New World Order after seeing what I put at number one that even liberals can make terrible movies too! #3. The 15:17 To Paris No shit, this is easily the worst movie I’ve ever seen in theaters. No joke, no sarcasm, the Clint Eastwood trainwreck that is The 15:17 To Paris is by far one of the worst movies of the decade… and it’s only at #3 on my bottom 10 of the year. Let me explain. Where the absolute bottom of the barrels of the year are total slogs that I wouldn’t be able to stand watching again, this is actually really fun to watch. Immediately after seeing it in theaters, I wanted to see it again just to make sure it wasn’t a fever dream. In every conversation I have, I recommend this movie because it has to be seen to be believed. Of all the films on this list, this is the only one I’d actually recommend to people. No other film has the balls to portray three normies with ADD talking as boringly as possible taking selfies in Venice for 30 minutes for no goddamn reason. In no other movie will you see a bunch of comedians try and do serious roles that they had no right being casted in. When I went back to school and brought this up with my film nerd friends, every one of them had a different story of watching this. My god, please watch The 15:17 To Paris so that we can convince Clint Eastwood into making The 15:18 To Paris. #2. Gotti Let me tell ya, Gotti is one of the wurst felms ya’ll evar see! Who in da hell convinced John Travolta that he culd do serious roles! But in all seriousness, this movie sucks. I’m not super familiar with the story of John Gotti, and by that I mean I’ve never even heard the name before seeing this film. And I’m pretty sure that to even get what’s going on in this, you’d have to see a 3 hour documentary on the guy beforehand or else you’d be incredibly confused the entire time because I know I was! Don’t even ask me what happens in Gotti because I have no clue. It goes all over the place with different characters doing different things at different points in time and eventually, I stopped paying attention! I do remember that there were about 20 characters named “John,” John Gotti only kills one guy though I’m pretty sure that as a mob boss he’d kill more, and I have no idea how this mafia makes money. Oh, and this convicted feline is apparently also Jesus Christ. I’ll tells yas, ya can live 100 yeers an neva see a moovy as bad as Gotti. Before we get to #1, let’s do some runners up!

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom I wanted so bad to put this on the list because as a pretty big Jurassic Park fan, I can fairly say that Fallen Kingdom is easily the worst film in the franchise. If only because of that dumb ass twist at the end with that kid I kinda forgot even existed. Or just for those annoying ass comedic reliefs that are consistently useless. Or just because on a base filmmaking level, this movie sucks. Hurricane Bianca: From Russia With Hate Listen, I’m openly and proudly bisexual, so I get how important it is to get good representation out there in the film industry. And I also get why a lot of the Ru Paul: Drag Race fandom has latched onto this series. But Jesus Christ guys, drag queens can do better and they deserve better. From Russia With Hate is definitely a step in the right direction with it being way more interesting and fun than the first Hurricane Bianca… but come on guys! These aren’t good movies! Just watch more Drag Race, it’s much better. The Happytime Murders Disney, please let Muppets Now be good! The puppetry artform deserves better than this garbage! The Happytime Murders is a movie in which half the jokes is that a puppet is jizzing a lot. Honestly, my biggest beef with this film is that it doesn’t even get to the heart of what people love about the Jim Henson style of puppetry, notably the fun. Look at most of the cast, they are very humanoid compared to Kermit The Frog or Fozzy Bear. This movie is, first and foremost, not fun. Bob Lazar: Area 51 And Flying Saucers This is my nomination for worst documentary of the year. It’s just annoying to me that this guy can get away with lying to so many people without any repercussions. In fact, he gets this whole documentary that’s basically sucking his dick the entire time! I went in expecting something along the lines of Behind The Curve, a doc that takes an even stance at looking at its crazy subject matter but in a respectful way. In reality, Area 51 And Flying Saucers isn’t even in the slightest being totally on Bob Lazar’s side without questioning his all knowing wisdom for a second and is n’t respectful in the slightest for the intelligence of its viewers! Fuck this doc! A Simple Favor This is my nomination for best worst movie of the year. A Simple Favor is a crazy film with a cast and crew taking it weirdly seriously for a comedy, all with super monotone voices. None of the actual jokes are genuinely funny but lots of them are ironically hilarious. Granted I was very high while watching this, but as far as I’m concerned, that’s the best state of mind to be in while watching it! And did I mention how nobody acts during this but rather just say their lines monotonely! Loved it! God’s Not Dead: A Light In Darkness This was the year Christian propaganda got boring. I was so excited when I went to see I Can Only Imagine in theaters as my first theatrical Christian film experience only to be totally disappointed when it turned out to be pretty dull. Even more so when, later on in the year, the newest installment in the world famous God’s Not Dead franchise, the same one that first brought upon this new age of Christian based filmmaking that’s brought me so much joy before, turned out to be similarly dull. There was a split moment when a character states, “Jesus Christ was the original social justice warrior,” when I was brought back to life with its own stupidity, but it turned out to be fleeting. Not outrageous enough to be put on the list, but too outrageous to be any good. So this is how God’s Not Dead ends: not with a bang, but with a whimper. The Meg And speaking of boring, The Meg has to be the most boring shark movie ever made. A film that feels like it lasts for days and in which no real stakes feel like are in play. This has got to be the most boring and dull and uninteresting and BORING movie of the year! And considering how boring of a year it was for film, that’s saying a goddamn lot! Mary Poppins Returns I feel like I went through an arc of my own while watching this. I went from, “this isn’t bad,” to, “okay, this is a little too much like the original,” to, “why the fuck am I watching this?” Mary Poppins Returns feels like one of the Disney live action remakes because it’s basically just a shittier version of the original with absolutely no good reason to exist let alone to watch, especially compared to said original. And the climax makes absolutely no sense with the logic of the film universe; she can literally fly! And by god, does this feel like anything but Mary Poppins. Blockers Listen, I get that this film is sex positive and that’s a really great thing and all the actors are really trying their best. But it is all in vain for this film with a really unfunny script and that’s kinda important for a comedy. Sometimes Blockers can get a chuckle out of me because of how over the top it can get at times but those are just outliers in a mostly mediocre movie that got built up too much because of how much positivity is in this. Proud Mary Proud Mary is the perfect example of a film in which just because someone can do it well, doesn’t mean everyone can. Ever since Quentin Tarantino has been making movies like Pulp Fiction and Kill Bill, throw back action films have been really cool to see. Then, all of a sudden, the director of London Has Fallen had to come around and remind everyone that they can’t all be winners. Mostly dull dialogue between characters I don’t care about waiting for the action that isn’t even all that good. I was really hopeful that Proud Mary would be fun, but it’s anything but. #1. The Trump Prophecy Listen, I get that when I say that a movie literally titled The Trump Prophecy is the worst film of the year, it comes off as if I’m making a big political statement but believe me, I am not. Politically, admittedly, I am pretty liberal but I’m not really a political dude. But I do know terrible filmmaking when I see it, and believe it or not, a film about a crazy firefighter who gets a vision in his sleep from a god orb that Donald Trump must be president might not be very good. In fact, fuck this cynical, piece of shit, taking advantage of conservatives, monotonely acted, with no love or passion put into it, goddamn movie! As much as I didn’t like any of the movies I’ve mentioned on this list, it’s clear someone, anyone, was passionate about making them. But considering how clearly the director never asked any of his actors to do a second take, no love is clearly put into this. How cynical, how shameless. As someone who does genuinely love the art of filmmaking and would adore the opportunity to make a relatively big budget movie myself, the fact that something as lifeless as The Trump Prophecy gets to be put into any theaters really pisses me off. Say what you want about The 15:17 To Paris, at least it had its heart in the right place. Say what you want about Gotti, at least John Travolta was obviously passionate about the project. This has nothing and is easily the most hatable film I’ve seen in years!

[oldphandomgamesblog]

That night, the rain fell heavily against the asphalt, pelting down upon the windshield, blending the street lights into multicoloured hazes. Phil sighed behind the wheel, focused on the seemingly endless stretch of road ahead. The sun had long ago set on the horizon, witnessed by Phil and his companion atop a hill they left just moments earlier. Phil’s hand slid gently into the other boy’s as he drove and the younger of the two’s cheeks reddened deeply. The radio quietly hummed familiar tune and both boys sung along under their breath. The sky was still discoloured by the sun’s recent departure- shades of blue and purple lined the horizon as the stars began to appear alongside the moon. Phil turned to the younger boy momentarily, fixating on his brown smiling eyes. It was such a simple moment, and yet so perfect. So… Dreamlike.

* * * * *

Phil Lester awakened late in the afternoon, hazily rolling over to check his phone. Video Game fan art lit up his phone, no messages appearing on the screen. He sighed, it didn’t surprise him really. Most ‘mornings’ started the same way these days. He let himself roll over and close his eyes for just another moment…

Just another hour. Or maybe two. It didn’t much matter, did it? He didn’t particularly have anything better to do.

Early in the evening, he finally rolled out of bed, throwing on a pair of loose, dirty clothes he found on his mess covered floor. He wasn’t going anywhere anyway. He’d shower later, find some fresh clothes then. Maybe, if he got really motivated, he’d even change his sheets. They were starting to get pretty gross. For breakfast, he cooked two slices of toast and neglected to butter them. Shortly after, he lay down on the couch, flicking endlessly through the channels on his TV.

He’d be awake until about four a.m; That was just how his sleep schedule worked at the moment. Up all night, asleep all day. He didn’t have anything much better to do. All in all, it was just another slow, monotonous day.

* * * * *

Daniel Howell was the eldest of his friends; the designated alcohol supply and hence king of his friendship circle. Every weekend was a different party, a different couch and always spent with a stomach fermenting in alcohol. He and his friends sat at the top of the social hierarchy, which Dan couldn’t really fathom.

Aside from underage alcoholism and opportunistic house parties, he didn’t have much in common with them really. They spent every waking minute talking about ‘pulling birds’ and ‘being top shagger’, ‘getting mortal’ and ‘hanging out with these radgies’. They were all very obviously from the North, Geordie slang thick in their language. Dan, on the other hand, had thus far retained his southern accent. Where they could focus on nothing but ‘going out on the toon’ whilst at school, Dan had an academic streak. Most strikingly and yet secretly though, Dan had no interesting in ‘tashing on with birds’. Lads were far more up his alley.

It was a secret he’d been attempting to keep under wraps for years now, which required the occasional neck on with a lass to be convincing. His parents, first and foremost, would not at all be accepting. In fact, they’d totally ‘kick off’. He wasn’t so sure about his friends; they often made stupid, offensive remarks but he wasn’t so sure they’d be truly bothered by his sexuality (it left more women for them, didn’t it?). He’d never had a boyfriend, so he’d never had reason to tell anyone and that worked perfectly well for him.

Until the day a strange man appeared on his doorstep.

* * * * Phil Lester’s sweaty pale chest pressed against the chest of the tanner boy beneath him, his face buried in his neck, eyes tightly closed and lips slightly agape. The younger boy’s hands found his hips and pulled them down toward his own, eliciting a breathy moan from Phil. Phil let his chapped lips trail slowly from his companion’s collarbone, to the nape of his neck, to his jawline, biting and sucking as his hips moved in sync with the other’s. As he moved to press their lips together, he took in the other’s face for the first time. Outlined by a mop of brown, wavy hair, his tanned complexion was defined by deep brown eyes, and swollen lips. His long eyelashes glistened slightly with sweat, and a slight, exhausted smirk had plastered itself on his face. The elder fisted his fingers in the long bangs of his partner, his hips moving faster now. Fingernails clawed down his back as their voices entangled in a wordless symphony.

* * * *

Phil noticed how wide the other boy’s eyes were, how he nervously bit at his lip, a hand brushing at his fringe as he stood in the doorway of his own home. Out of breath, Phil pushed out a breathy, ‘Hi.’

‘Hi.’ The other replied, as if knowingly. He took a deep breath, and within moment, Phil found his lips pressed against his nervous companion’s for the first time.

* * * *

“I’m not going to leave you.” Phil promised his partner, as he wrapped his arms around him. The younger boy was wearing an oversized black sweater and his eyes were puffy and red. He sniffled in response to Phil. “I promise I won’t. I love you, okay?”

“I love you too, Philly.” He replied as he cuddled into his lover’s chest.

* * * *

The gates of the cemetery seemed to open with no input from any external sources, adding a layer of creepiness to situation unfolding. Phil had had all of these dreams a million times before…The same unnamed boy, the same scenes. This one… This one was new.

He walked, as if in a trance, between rows of greaves, goosebumps littering his skin as he realised how many bodies surrounded him, how many rotting corpses lay below his feet. It seemed endless, as he walked through the graves. Like the bodies would never end, like he’d never find his destination.

When he eventually stopped, it was in front of a huge grave, it’s surface cloaked in a collection of flowers and trinkets. He felt as if he knew what he was going to read before his eyes even focused on the words, but he still felt sick to the stomach when the reality registered.

Daniel James Howell 1993-2013 Beloved betrothed of Phillip Lester, brother to Adrian Howell, son to Howell

* * * * *

“Hello?”

“Nala. It’s Phil.” Phil spoke hurriedly into the phone.”

“I know, you spork. There’s this thing, it’s called caller ID. It’s actually a pretty cool invention, really. Means I can see who’s calling me.”

“Sorry, I’m an idiot. Anyway, I know his name.”

“Wait, who?” A heavily accented female voice replied.

“The guy, in the dreams… The dreams I’m always having.” Phil mumbled.

“I’ve told you a thousand times, you’ve made him up. There’s no guy, you’re dreaming…” Nala sighed,as if she’d faced this phone call a million times prior.

“No… No, Nala. I know he’s real. I promise you… I just get a feeling about this.”

“Whatever. What’s his name, then, Fox Mulder?”

“Daniel… Uhm.” Phil paused, as if forgetting what he had intended to say.

“Daniel…?”

“Howell? Um. Daniel James Howell.” His voice sped up as if everything had suddenly returned to him. He felt like he’d finally found the answers.

“You’re shitting me…”

“I’m not!”

“Did you just decide to open my yearbook and pick the first cute boy you saw to troll me? You didn’t do a great job, Dan Howell is most definitely straight, I’m afraid.”

“You know him?” Phil’s heart pounded against his ribcage, realising he was suddenly so much closer to meeting this guy than he ever thought. He didn’t know why he felt so intensely about this… But these dreams… They’d persisted for years. There were others, a while back, the contents of which had since come true and these ones… My God, these ones he really wanted to come true. “Nala, you have to help me meet him. Please. I know you think this whole thing is crazy… But I have to. Please.”

“He’s in my chemistry class. I can’t believe I’m saying this- Dan Howell is so not someone I should be talking to at school, he probably hates me… But, I’ll try? Meet me outside my school at 3:45. No promises though. And Phil? Please, God, try not to be a creep.”

* * * *

At 3:42, Phillip Lester was leaning anxiously on the gates of Nathalia Secondary College, hands shaking in anticipation. Less than three minutes later, the moment he’d long been waiting for arrived.

“Nala,right? I honestly don’t know what the fuck you want from me, but I really have got to be going-“ The voice hitched and mumbled, “Oh fuck…”

“Hi.” Phil said shyly.

“No. No. Fuck no. This is not happening.” Daniel Howell started to back slowly away from Phil and Nala. “ I can’t…”

Phil rushed forward, grabbing Dan’s forearms, his eyes becoming watery. “Dan, you have to listen to me.” His grip tightened as a tear rolled onto his cheek. He couldn’t lose Dan now. “My name is Ph-“

“I know who you are.” Dan replied, shaking, grabbing Phil’s forearms too. “I’ve had the dreams as well.” He took a deep breath, his own eyes watering. “You… You’re supposed to date me, and God… I don’t know. You’re the person who is going to kill me.”

(Submitting on behalf of Ayla, Team K!)

What an ending! 50 points!