#normal ren fan thoughts on a tuesday night

[raw-diggity-dog]

do you guys think ren has a roleplay kink irl. like would he want to do some sort of dorky high fantasy light bondage scene in bed. or some kinda starwar thing. would he be like ok im a bad guy with the red sword and youre a rebel and you get caught by me and then we ;D >:) haha YOU know

hes a theater kid dnd adjacent roleplay guy and the venn diagram between those groups and kinky roleplay sex is basically a circle so im choosing to believe he wants to fuck while wearing a cloak at some point. If he hasnt already.

[awkward-radar-tech]

Kylo Ren, The Rising Star

Summary: You are Kylo Ren’s personal assistant. The rising star doesn’t know how to cope with his sudden popularity. You let him take sanctuary in your apartment, and help him return to who he was before, Ben Solo.

A/N: I’m stating this now, no romantic relationship blooms in this. But, the seeds are planted. And I will write more where the relationship does grow, if requested.

Prompt, from an anon:  But I got an idea, how about worn out actor Kylo Ren aka Ben Solo has been doing to much lately he doesn't even know what time zone he's in sometimes. Reader is average Joe lucky enough to be his PA in his new film. With the stress of everything and fans following him everywhere Ben hides out at your house, were he sleeps all day in your bed and you feed him lots of food, cos you like to cook?

Chapter 2

🌟🌟🌟

You didn’t know what you were getting into when you applied to be an assistant for a local movie shoot. But being the new personal assistant to the biggest rising star was not it at all. And you weren’t always local like you expected. Being Kylo Ren’s PA meant you had to go with him on his other press tours during breaks in shooting. Caffeinated anything had become your friend, and today was one where you were dependant. You had jumped across every American time zone in a day and a half, and now you had crossed the Atlantic, only to turn around in twelve hours and fly home.

You checked your watch and went to knock on Kylo’s dressing room door, “Twenty minutes until you’re on, sir. Do you need anything else?”

He opened the door, still in the t shirt and jeans he wore on the plane, “I just have one question, where are we?” 

You looked at him, concerned, “We are in London, sir. You’re doing an interview for ‘the rom-com’ right now. Your suit should be hanging up for you.”

He yawned, “I told you to call me Kylo, not sir. And it is there. Could you step in real quick?”

You nodded and waited for him to step aside, following him inside, “Sorry, Kylo. So used to using sir. Now, what do you need?” 

He closed the door and sat on the couch, “First, no need to apologize. Second, can I have a caffeine pill?”

You pulled out a packet from your bag and handed it to him, “You can hold onto these. But, uhh, Kylo, you didn’t need to ask me in here for that. Nobody cares how you stay awake.”

He hummed, “Thank you, (y/n),” he quickly took a pill, “and that isn’t why I asked you in here. I have an unconventional request, that nobody can know about.”

“Yes?”

“This movie, people are going crazy over it. They have surrounded my building at home, waiting for my return apparently. It is exhausting having to go through all these people, some have even found ways inside my building and to my door. I need a break. Could I stay at your place? I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“Kylo, sir, I live in a run down apartment. You wouldn’t want to stay there. And my couch is only a bit longer than this one, you wouldn't sleep very well."

"I'd much rather stay there than possibly anger fans. Please, think about it."

You gave him a pointed look and checked your watch, “Fifteen minutes, Kylo. Now get changed.”

You left the room, closing the door. Kylo was, but also wasn’t, your boss, and he was asking to stay at your place? He had bodyguards, couldn’t they tell the fans to leave? No, he cared too much about his fans’ feelings to have them told to leave. Maybe you would let him stay. Once back he was off for a week, so he wouldn’t have to leave. It would be fun to hang out with somebody for once, even if it was the person you worked for.

The interview went well, and before long you were being taken to a hotel for the night. 

You followed Kylo outside to the car and he looked at you once inside, “Woah… It is already night?”

You nodded, “Yeah, it is almost eight. I think we are here for like ten hours then we head home to rest for a week.”

As you pulled up at the hotel, there were clearly a bunch of fans waiting for him, and you heard a muttered “shit.”

You looked at him, “When we get home, you can stay at my place, okay?”

He smiled wide for once in his life, “Thank you, so much, (y/n). I’ll give you a bonus.”

You shook your head, “We’ll talk about it later. I don’t want any extra money. Think of it as a kind gesture from a friend.”

The door was opened and Kylo was escorted into the building. You stayed in until the car parked before grabbing your own stuff and going up to your room; there were shrieks from girls, obviously he decided to stop and talk. You went up to your room and got ready for a bit of sleep. 

As you washed your face you heard your phone ringing in the other room. When you went out to check it, you read it was Kylo calling, so quickly answered it.

“How can I help you, Kylo?”

“What time do I have to be ready by? Need to set my alarm.”

“Six. Hopefully the crazies won’t be awake then.”

He groaned, “Hopefully. Thank you. Goodnight, (y/n).”

“Goodnight, Kylo. Text me in the morning so I know you’re awake please.”

He hummed in acknowledgement and hung up. 

In the morning he clearly hadn’t slept much, or well, he was a living zombie in a somehow oversized sweatshirt, clutching to a cup of coffee.

He looked at you in the hallway, “Oh, I forgot to ask if you wanted a cup. Security brought it up to me. They said everybody left at like 2 am, so the coast is clear.”

You gave him a warm smile, “It is alright, Kylo. I’m fine. Let’s head down to the car then.”

You thankfully got to the airport and onto the plane without incident, people have better things to do between 6 and 7 am on a Tuesday apparently. Landing back in Los Angeles was a different story, people don’t care that it is noon on a Tuesday. 

Kylo still looked exhausted, and you hoped nobody followed you. As the car pulled up to the studio you knew you would be safe. You showed Kylo to your car and got in to drive to your apartment.

He looked at you as you pulled out of your spot, “Hey, thank you so much. I appreciate it, more than you might think.”

You nodded, “You’re welcome, Kylo. Do you want to listen to some music?”

“Sure. Listen to what you normally do.”

You turned on your radio, the bluetooth connecting and automatically playing your playlist. You tapped along to the songs on your steering wheel as you drove. After twenty minutes you pulled up to your run down building and parked in your spot.

You turned to Kylo, “No crazy fans it seems. That is good.”

He hummed, “Yeah. But there are still people around that could recognize me.”

“If they ask if you’re Kylo Ren just tell them no and give a fake name. I don’t talk with my neighbors so they don’t know what I do. And none of my friends know who I work for.”

He nodded and prepared himself to step out. He messed up his hair so it wasn’t as perfect as his normal style, put on the hood of his sweatshirt and stepped out, slinging his duffle bag over his shoulder.

You stepped out and got your bag from your trunk. You looked over at him awkwardly looming next to the car, “Let’s go, sir.”

He followed you like a lost puppy, and then you heard the voice of your annoying neighbor from the floor below yours, “Hey, 32! Is that Kylo Ren?”

You turned to her voice, “No. This is my friend.”

She acted like you were lying, “You sure?”

He stepped in, “Uh, yeah. I’m Ben. But I get that a lot. It is a bit tiresome.”

You tried to pull him away and walk inside, but she wouldn’t relent, why did she have to be out? And why did she care? She has always been vocal about despising everything about Hollywood, especially celebrities.

“Do you have ID to prove it?”

Kylo stopped and you turned, “Ben, don’t pay her any mind, let’s go get some lunch.”

He didn’t move when you pulled, “No, she wants proof I’m not stupid Kylo Ren, I’ll prove it,” he pulled out his ID and showed it to her, “See? Benjamin Solo. Now, can me and my friend go have some lunch? I’m rather hungry and I have a short fuse when I haven’t eaten.”

She just walked away after reading his ID. He looked to you and you just walked in, taking the elevator up and getting him in your apartment.

You threw down your bag as soon as you closed your door, “I’m so damn sorry Kylo. She is so annoying, and thinks she can know anything she wants. She isn’t even on this floor, she is in 21. But, uhh? You aren’t really Kylo Ren?”

He sat on your couch, “Well, I am now. I legally changed my name last year when people started recognizing me, but I still have my old ID, which I had just renewed a few months before I changed my name.”

You nodded, not wanting to pry further, "Alright then. Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Can I get some water please?"

You went and dropped your stuff in your room then got him a glass of water.

You sat on the floor after you gave him the cup, "TV? Food?"

"Watch whatever you want, (y/n)."

You turned on Netflix and turned on the show you were currently binging, then your belly grumbled, “I’m going to go fix some lunch, any requests?”

He looked at you hopefully, “Tacos?”

You thought for a moment and nodded, “Yes, I have everything to make tacos.”

You left the show on, you could rewatch the episode later, and went in to cook. You cooked some carne asada you had prepared for this week, some rice and beans, then prepared all the toppings you needed. Assembling Kylo's tacos were easy, he liked his tacos almost plain, just meat on the tortilla with some fresh pico de gallo. When everything was finished you fixed each of you a plate of your preferred tacos with some rice and beans then brought the plates to the living room. 

"Here you go, Kylo. Just as you like it."

He took the offered plate and began to eat, "Did you make all of this right now? This is amazing."

You nodded, "I did most of it. I had the carne asada marinating to fix this week, and the salsa I just made. The beans and rice are pre-packaged, but I try to make them myself too, when I have the time. And the tortillas I buy fresh from a neighbor."

He hummed, "Well this is all delicious. Thank you so much."

You smiled and ate your meal. When you finished you took your plate into wash along with all the items you cooked with once you stored the leftover food.

After a moment Kylo sheepishly walked in with his plate, "Excuse me, (y/n)? Is there anymore?"

You turned to look at him, "Yeah! I just put it away in the fridge. Help yourself."

Kylo took out the containers and fixed himself more tacos, then stood at the counter to eat them while talking with you. "Where did you learn to cook like that?"

"Mostly self taught. I had to learn how to stretch my food budget when I moved out. Cooking from bulk purchases helps. So I had to learn how to use the same ingredients in as many ways as possible so I wouldn't get bored."

He handed you his now empty plate, "Can you be my personal chef and my PA?"

You laughed, "You don't want to see me 24/7 Kylo."

He walked out of the kitchen, "Maybe I do."

You just shook your head and finished washing everything. When you walked back into your living room, Kylo was passed out on your couch. He looked so uncomfortable, he was almost bigger than the old thing. You went to your room, changed all your bedding, then hid all the embarrassing things you had out. 

You gently woke up Kylo once you finished, "Hey, go sleep in my bed. It is a lot more comfortable than this small thing."

He groaned and stretched, voice heavy with sleep, "No. That is your bed. You sleep in it. I'm fine here."

You crossed your arms, "No. Kylo. You are sleeping in my bed. I don't need to sleep right now anyways. You do. You've been working so hard recently. Go sleep in a damn bed."

He stood up and pat your head, clearly still mostly asleep, "Whatever you say, my dear. Goodnight."

Your cheeks burned and you just shook your head as you watched him shuffle into your room and unceremoniously flop face first onto your bed, snoring within moments. You went and shut the door most of the way, but first you placed his bags in plain sight in case he woke up and wanted to change out of his jeans. 

You worked around your apartment, not letting the fact you had an unplanned guest keep you from your planned chores. You swept and dusted, set your bedding on to wash, the one nice thing about this apartment, you had a washer and dryer in your unit. While the wash was on you sat down and restarted your show and went through your social media. One of your friends shared a tabloid article theorizing that Kylo Ren is in a secret relationship since he has yet to return home after landing earlier today and has spent a lot less time interacting with fans these past few months. 

You mumbled to yourself, “He’s staying away from you pricks. You’ve exhausted the poor man.”

You continued perusing, finding nothing else of interest, then paused your show before moving everything to the dryer. You continued watching until it was time to make dinner, pasta is what you had planned for tonight, so you doubled everything to have enough for Kylo.

As you were cooking you heard Kylo enter the kitchen, “Good evening, sleeping beauty. Are you hungry?”

Kylo was still a bit groggy, but rapidly waking up, “Yeah. The smells woke me up. What are you making?”

He sat at your kitchen table and you brought him a glass of orange juice, his favorite, “Pasta. Specifically homemade cheese tortellini with meat sauce. And garlic bread.”

He took a sip and hummed, “You make pasta?”

You nodded, “Only filled pasta, it is cheaper that way. And I made the sauce and garlic bread. Including the bread. But I freeze a lot of stuff so I didn’t actually make any of it tonight.”

He held up his glass, “And this juice?”

You laughed, “That is store bought. I can’t make it as well.”

“You’re lying. I’m sure you can.”

You hummed, “Yeah. I can. But only when oranges are in season.”

You turned back and began to stir the sauce and added the pasta to the now boiling water. You pulled out the garlic bread and shut off the flame for the sauce. After a few minutes you drained the pasta and added a bit of the water to the sauce, then added most of the sauce to the drained pasta.

"Alright, food is ready Kylo. Come help yourself."

"It smells amazing."

You handed him a plate and he served himself then sat back at the table. You followed suit and served yourself, then sat across from him. 

You shared pleasant conversation, taking turns asking about the other's life. While you worked for him, and were around him more often than not, neither of you knew much about the other, but this time together would change that. 

When he finished he looked up and smiled at you, "Now for a more personal question, if you want to answer it. Are you dating anyone?"

You smiled back and chuckled, "So asking about my parents and childhood isn't personal, but asking if I'm dating is?" You paused to take a sip, "No, Kylo. I'm not. Haven't dated in awhile. What about you then? There is a tabloid article out there theorizing you're in a secret relationship since you haven't come home yet and aren't interacting as much with fans."

He groaned and covered his face, "No. I'm not. Same as you, haven't in awhile." He rubbed his face and looked at you again, "And you know that tabloid is wrong. I'm here with you."

"But what about the fan interactions? Just the burn out?"

He nodded, "Yeah. I've really just wanted to go to bed recently, or get into work. They're great and all, but I don't want to be on at 7 am or 9 pm, especially if I just came from a different timezone."

"I can't even imagine. But you don't have to be on at all this week. Stay here for as much of that time as you want. Be Benjamin Solo again, if only for me."

His eyes lit up, "Yes. Call me Ben. Please. Only my mom and dad call me that anymore. I need to be Ben for a week. I'll order some plain clothes online to be delivered here too. I’m going to be Ben Solo again."

You nodded, "Okay, Ben. Let me clean up, and you can work on ordering everything you need. Then tell me when you're checking out and I'll fill out my address."

He stood up and grabbed both plates, "Let me help you please."

"Alright. You can help me Ben."

He grinned and had a tiny celebration, "Yes! Thank you."

He set to work filling up the sink with water, placing the plates and utensils in the sink, then turning to you, "Uhh, the leftovers need to be put away. Where are your containers?"

You moved to the right cabinet, "This one, Ben. But I'll put it away. You focus on washing."

He nodded, "Okay, (y/n)."

You put away the food and Ben grabbed each empty piece and cleaned it. Once the food was put away you sat up on your counter.

You looked to Ben, who was meticulously scrubbing the saucepan, "I had no problem cleaning up, Ky… I mean Ben. I do it all the time."

He turned to you, "I'm your unplanned guest. I want to do has much as possible to help and not throw off your schedule and routine. I'm sure you have one here too."

You looked away, feeling your cheeks warm a bit, "Well I do. But I'm fine doing it all myself."

He pointed a stern finger at you, but his face held a small smile, "No. I'm washing the dishes. Go relax. Put on a movie. Pour yourself some wine if you want, and have any. I'll be out in a bit."

You just nodded and listened, going to turn on some super cheesy rom-com your friend told you to watch. After a while you heard the sink draining and footsteps coming back out. 

Ben plopped down on the couch right next to you and outstretched his arms across the back, then groaned, "Really, (y/n)? You like rom-coms too?"

You paused it, "Shit, sorry. Wasn't thinking. I just think that they are funny, especially the real cheesy ones. And one can dream about randomly falling in love with a stranger. But I'll change it to something else."

Ben shook his head, "No, you can keep watching. I'll order those clothes."

You started playing the movie again and he pulled out his phone and wallet to find clothes with rush shipping. After twenty minutes he silently passed his phone to you and you typed in the address information then handed it back. Once the order was placed he put his phone away and again stretched his arms out. You didn't know if he was actually watching or just zoning out, but you were happy he didn't mind. 

As the credits rolled, you let out a yawn, “Alright, time for bed for me,” you tapped his thigh, “That means it is time for you to move, Mr. Solo. You’re on my bed.”

He turned to you, “No. I’ll sleep here.”

You grabbed his arm and stood up, “Nope, this is not an option. You are sleeping in my bed,” you began to pull on his arm, “Now come on you big oaf. You are going to sleep in my bed, just like you did earlier.”

He stayed planted in his spot, chuckling, “You’re gonna have to pull harder than that. I’m almost all muscles.”

You pulled harder and then tried to pull both his hands, starting to laugh, “Come on Ben. Go sleep in my damn bed.”

He stood up suddenly and caught you before you fell back, “Fine. Just this once.”

You crossed your arms, “This will be the second time, Ben. You slept before dinner.”

He smirked and walked away, into your room, “That was Kylo Ren, thank you very much. Now, do you need anything from in here before I close the door?”

You ran in, “Yes!”

He chuckled and just sat on your bed, pulling out his pajamas from his duffle bag. You grabbed everything you needed and went out.

You paused in the doorway, turning to Ben before closing the door, “Goodnight, Ben. See you in the morning.”

“Goodnight, (y/n). Thank you again.”

You nodded and closed the door then went to change and grab your bedding from the dryer. After setting everything up you crawled into your cocoon of blankets and pillows on the couch and fell asleep.

You were awoken a couple hours later by the sound of whining and screams, coming from your room. You quickly got up and knocked on the door, “Ben? You okay in there, sir?”

He didn’t respond, just more whimpers, so you opened up the door and walked in to find him asleep but thrashing.

Carefully, you approached him, reaching out to rub his arm, “Ben. Kylo. Wake up, sir. You’re having a nightmare.”

He woke up and clung to you, wrapping his arms around your waist. He was panting, repeating your name, “I’m so sorry. So sorry. For waking you up. Sorry.”

You ran your fingers through his hair, “Ben. It is okay, Ben. I promise.”

He nodded and slowly calmed down, “Okay. Okay. Thank you. Thanks for waking me up. I normally have to fight for much longer to wake up.”

You softly scratched his scalp, “Lay back down. I’ll stay until you’re asleep again.”

He hummed, “Can you keep doing that, and playing with my hair?”

You chuckled, “Sure.”

He moved back to laying normally and you moved to keep petting his head. It didn’t take long for him to get drowsy again, and he began mumbling to you.

His voice was barely audible and clearly full of sleep, “I like this. I like you. Don’t tell though.”

You felt your cheeks warm and continued until his murmurs turned to snores. You got up again and softly kissed his forehead, “Goodnight, Ben Solo. Sweet dreams.”

[nicomacheannothing]

My birthday textwall...

Well, my birthday was yesterday. Unfortunately, it was also sort of one of those days. It wasn’t all bad, but having an off day on your birthday does suck a bit.  😓 

I overslept. That’s kind of what kicked off the unfortunate-ness. I didn't oversleep by too much, I was still out the door on time, but it was enough to make me rush around. When Austin texted me to let me know he was on his way to pick me up, I wasn’t even dressed yet. I had to take the dog with me too, so it was a mad dash to get everything together. Not the end of the world, just irritating. As I ran out the door though, I walked past the kitchen and noticed what looked like an unexpected cake sitting on the table... I didn’t have time to check it out, but this will become relevant later.  So I have the dog and I’m rushing out to Austin’s car and I find out that he overslept too. Like REALLY overslept: he was out of bed and out the door in 15 minutes. He was going to be editing with a client yesterday and had to be on time. He was frazzled as heck. When we got to work, he immediately got started on what he had to do. I was still a little frazzled too, but I figured that a rough morning was just a momentary blip and that things were bound to get better. I was wrong... Context: Alanis Morissette is going on that 25th Anniversary tour next year; everyone is talking about it haha. Austin’s mom, Leslye, is a huge Alanis Morissette fan and I mentioned to Austin that getting her tickets to the show in Detroit would make a good Christmas gift. Austin thought it would be cool to go as well, along with Mady and Julius, if they were interested. Ok. We decided to just talk to Leslye about it rather than making the tickets a gift. 6 people going to a concert requires planning. Presale tickets became available yesterday, so Austin and I talked to Leslye the night before to figure out how much she wanted to spend, etc. We wanted to know exactly what we were doing because we planned to snap up the tickets as soon as they went on sale at 11am. 

Like I said, Austin was going to be editing with a client at that time. I asked him if he wanted me to buy the tickets so that he wouldn’t have to stop in the middle of the edit. He said “no, I think I can do it. [Client] should understand”. I swear that’s exactly what he said. Austin is really picky about his entertainment experiences anyway, so I figured he’d want to pick the seats, etc. Once that conversation was over, I just stopped thinking about the tickets... Then, at noon yesterday, Austin runs into my office from the edit, freaking out. He said that he totally forgot about the tickets and that he meant to set an alarm to remind him, but he forgot to do that too. Then, he started barking at me saying “This shouldn’t have been on me, this shouldn’t have been on me!” implying that I had somehow unfairly saddled him with the responsibility of buying the tickets. I felt terrible. I was half hurt that he was yelling at me and half guilty that I didn’t just set my own reminder anyway in case he forgot. But he told me he could do it! Idk, I just felt like I had let him down in some way... 

We didn’t end up getting presale tickets. The actual sale starts in a couple days, so we might still be able to go. We looked at pictures of the venue, and the general admission lawn might not be so bad. The client we were working with might even have a connection that can help us... but Austin was so upset I really couldn't forget about it for the rest of the day... 😢 The ticket drama cut into our lunch break and so we were only able to grab McDonald's. The client wanted to eat with us. She’s nice, but she chews with her mouth open and she’s a Trump supporter. She kept saying weird things during lunch like throwing shade at people who are pale and/or skinny? And then she kept talking about how Trump was a hero for coming in and “draining the swamp”. Of course, I just had to smile and nod cause she’s a client. That, and she kept saying weird things like that and then offering to do really nice things like inviting Austin and I to use her cottage in the summer if we wanted a vacation? It was a very emotionally confusing time. 😕 The rest of the workday went by normally. I went back to Austin’s house, put on my new Killstar dress to get ready to go out. Austin got me a small gift: a little Kylo Ren lego guy and an electronic hand warmer, which was very thoughtful. It really seemed like things were going to get better.  BUT IT’S TIME FOR MORE CONTEXT! I think I mentioned in a previous post that my brother wasn’t going to make it home my birthday week.  He won’t be able to make it home at all until the 23rd, so my parents and I decided that we would just do birthday stuff without him. Tuesday (my actual birthday) is a really rough workday for my mom and she often isn’t even home until late, so we decided that we would go out to dinner and do cake and presents on Saturday. This was also going to work out because Leslye and Jerry wanted to take me to lunch, but couldn’t because of the client edit. They decided to take me to dinner instead. I double-checked with my dad Monday night to make sure that Saturday was still the day we were planning on doing birthday stuff. He said that was fine.  Before going to dinner with Austin and his parents, we had to swing by my house to drop off the dog. When I got there, my mom was unexpectedly home.  Crap, I felt bad that she was there and I was about to go to dinner without them. I thought about inviting them last minute, but they were already eating pizza when I got home. Crap! When I walked in, my mom asked if I had seen the cake. Um, no? We always do cake and presents together for birthday celebrations in my family. We have since I was born. Since we were celebrating on Saturday, I wasn’t expecting a cake on Tuesday. But my parents got one. A full-sized, fully decorated cake that I knew I would have no time to eat. That, and it wouldn’t be good on Saturday. If we wanted to celebrate normally on Saturday, my parents would have to get another one. We always but a particular type of cake from a local bakery and it’s delicious but expensive. There was no way I was going to be able to finish this one. It was really cute too, decorated with little dogs and cats. And like... Austin was waiting in the car for me as I stood there in the kitchen, so I felt like, not only was I running out on my parents, but I couldn’t even properly show appreciation for the cake and card that they got me. I felt so devastatingly terrible and confused. I didn’t know what to do. I just started feeling worse and worse knowing that Austin was waiting for me while I tried to figure out whether or not to just take the cake with me or leave it at home or what? I left the kitchen and went into the bathroom. I almost had a panic attack, but didn’t. I decided to just suck up my feelings and I took the cake with me. It needed to be refrigerated, but it was cold outside, so it would be ok to leave it in the car while we were at dinner. I cried in the car all the way to the restaurant because I felt horrible like I screwed everything up.  Dinner was ok. The food was REALLY good. We went to HopCat, so I got to have some good beer and their super awesome fries. I wanted to try to suck up my feelings again and just let things get better. Then, I was a little cold, so I put my jacket on. Austin asked me if I was cold and if I had brought the hand warmer he got me with me. I told him that it was at home with my bags. I was rushing out and it was still wrapped anyway! Plus, my shoulders were cold, not my hands. It didn’t matter though, he got all annoyed and I just started to feel horrible all over again. I really just felt like I was screwing up everything for everyone no matter how hard I tried.  Austin and I went back to his house after dinner... but I just felt like shit. I really, really wanted to just force myself to be happy, but I couldn’t. Austin and I just laid down on the floor of his living room and I grabbed some leftover punch that his mom had made for the party. I just drank some of it out of a mason jar and we listened to The National. That was the best part of the day, tbh. I realized that that was all I really wanted to do, just drink and talk and hang out. I really wish that Mady, Julius, and Shelby had been in town so maybe we could have just gone out and chilled. 😕

Austin and I also put his Christmas tree up! That was good too, even though I wasn’t exactly in the mood. We did it differently this year and used ornaments that Austin had received as gifts every Christmas since he was born. It was cool to see them all, especially the ornaments that he made himself as a kid. We ate some cake as well, ftr. 😋

So yeah, I guess everything turned out ok, but it was a pretty unfortunate day overall. I don’t really even feel like I had a Birthday. I guess they can’t all be happy. *shrug* I’m still kind of sad, but I’m trying to focus on the positive stuff. It was nice of my parents to get me a cake and dinner was good. I do really like Austin’s presents. And he got me tickets to see Star Wars when it comes out! Plus, I still have dinner with my folks on Saturday. Maybe the actual fun parts of my birthday are just going to be uhhh stretched out a bit. 😅And I have Christmas to look forward to. That’s what I’m going to go with.  Sorry about the text wall, just had to get all this off my chest. I have more t write about for sure, but that’ll be for tomorrow. Back to work for now!