#no one can stop me from non-binary itchy posting

[lugagl]

everytime you interpret a cis male character as a futch he/she fag you get a gold star sticker from me personally.

[kevindayisafrog]

Non-Binary Kevin - it gets heavy, I guess

TW - body dysmorphia, hints at self harm and internalized homophobia

Kevin watched as the steam from his burning shower fogged up the mirror, hiding his scarred body once again. He sighed and leaned backwards into the hot stream of water, remembering a post he had read just last week: ‘people who have long hot showers tend to be the loneliest’. He let out a small scoff despite himself. The post was wrong. It wasn’t that he was lonely, he just enjoyed feeling the skin he hated melt away. Ever since he was young, as long as he could remember, he always felt uncomfortable in his body. His skin felt too tight here and too tight there; too smooth here and too bumped there. It’s not that he hated his physique, he just felt suffocated. He reached over and turned off the water and, grabbing a towel on his way out of the shower, walked over to the mirror. He held up the towel and let out a shaky breath before swiping away the squeaking condensation from the toothpaste splattered mirror. His haggard reflection stared back at him in a twisted gaze. He stepped back into the bath so that his full body was seen in the mirror. Turning this way and that, Kevin pulled at his skin and watched silently as his reflection did the same. He shivered slightly as the cold breeze seeped through the open bathroom window. He stared down at his body and winced before stepping out of the shower and pulling on his clothes over his still dripping skin.

Kevin watched Allison, Dan and Renee as they became engrossed in their own idle conversation. Allison was beyond beautiful; the perfect girl next door. Her platinum blond hair curved around her strong shoulders effortlessly. Her nails were perfectly manicured in a dark plum colour, making her slender fingers seem doll-like. Her tight black cropped shirt hugged comfortably around her chest and the sleeves hung loosely around her pale wrists. Kevin felt a weird pull at his gut as he looked away, catching Dan’s small smile. He darted his gaze to the floor and, once confident that Dan wasn’t watching, flicked his gaze back towards the girls. Dan was the polar opposite to Allison, yet she was gorgeous in her own way. Her short hair brushed her forehead neatly and made her eyes shine enigmatically. Her full lips were pulled in a wide grin, showing her perfectly straight teeth. She was wearing a loose red sweatshirt that ended halfway down her thigh. Her legs visibly toned beneath her jeans that were baggy around the knees. Again, Kevin felt the weird pang in his stomach, but this time it crawled up to burn his chest, too. Finally, he cast his gaze upon the innocent beauty that was Renee. Her cut short dyed hair was neatly brushed into straight lines around her cheeks. Her dimples dipped sweetly as her smile spread wider, making her skin crinkle slightly by her shining eyes. Her shoulders were pulled up straight, but her head was bent to show a gentle twinge of muscle in her neck. A beautiful ballet dancer’s neck. The pain finally fizzed into Kevin’s head as it gave way to a suffocating feeling beneath his skin. Was he jealous? He shook his head and turned to watch as his father scanned the room in silent approval. His shoulders were slightly hunched forward as he crossed his muscled arms across his broad chest. His defined jaw was jutted out as he watched his Foxes talk enthusiastically about the new season. Kevin felt a whimper trap itself in his throat as he cleared it self consciously, Nicky sending him a side glance. He turned his gaze finally to Matt as he sat, thighs pulled widely apart, leaning to rest his head on Dan’s shoulder. He was comfortable in his skin. They all were. So why wasn’t Kevin?

When Kevin got back to the dorms he glared into the mirror in the bathroom and let out unsteady shaky breaths. This constant crashing feeling hit him throughout his life, so why was it hurting so badly now? He clutched the sink with shaking hands and whispered into the mirror. “You’re a man, for fucks sake, you’re a man”, he let out a sob and repressed the urge to smash the mirror. He knew he’d only pull the glass onto his skin. He’d cut off the bits he didn’t want, carve new pieces that he wanted. Needed. He’d done it before. He let his legs fall beneath him as he rested his head against the side of the bath. How was everyone so comfortable with themselves? Why did he have to come out wrong? He bit his left hand with all his might as he sucked in a silent scream. He just wanted to feel like himself. But how could he be himself if he didn’t even know if he wanted to be a him?

As he lay in bed that night, he listened to the other boys’ breathing and replayed his past on the dark ceiling above him. Admittedly, he couldn’t remember many chunks of his childhood, but he could remember some as clear as day. One memory pulled at him continuously and left a cold feeling across his body. He remembered crying on the bathroom floor after a long fight with himself. Blood seeped out from under his fingernails and trickled down his palms. There wasn’t a part of him that he hadn’t tried to scratch away. That’s where Jean found him. That’s where he finally told someone. He remembered Jean whispering ‘you’re okay’s in his ear and something about genders not being real. He let out a wet laugh at the time, but now Kevin felt his ears buzz with the words as if Jean were still by his ear. ‘Non-binary’, ‘trans’, ‘fluid’ kept flowing out of Jean’s mouth and Kevin dismissed them at the time. He didn’t understand the words, but now he could try. He leaned over the railing on his loft bed and squinted into the dark room, attempting to see if any of the others were awake. Confident that they were all sleeping, he rolled over and pulled his phone off the pillow and went to the search engine. He hesitated over the search bar and quickly turned it into private mode - just to make sure. He typed in ‘gender fluid’ and scrolled for ages, a feeling of unease scratching at his neck. He turned his neck to stare at the room yet again and faced his screen. This didn’t feel like him. He typed into the search engine: ‘non-binary’. He sucked air through his teeth and exhaled shakily as he prepared for another hour of endless scrolling. After twenty different websites and four YouTube videos, Kevin locked his phone and closed his eyes. He pressed his palms angrily into his eyes and let out a quiet whine. Why did the most ordinary thing have to be so fucking complicated?

When he woke up the next morning his eyes were itchy from tears that he hadn’t known he shed. As he climbed out of bed he made eye contact with Nicky who stared at him with questioning eyes. “Fuck off”, Kevin muttered as he grabbed his clothes for the day and shut himself away in the bathroom down the hall. He refused to look at his reflection and instead turned on the shower to steam up the mirror. He couldn’t do this today. Once he had finished with washing and dressing, he leaned down to pick up his clothes and froze. Beneath his crumpled hoodie was a pamphlet, half hidden beneath the door. Kevin stepped back as if it was poisonous and stared at the door. Once he was sure that whoever placed it there was gone, he leaned down and picked up the pamphlet hesitantly. Stuck to the front page with a bright orange post it was the scribbled message: ‘You don’t have to tell me, just know I’m here’ in Nicky’s messy handwriting. Kevin frowned and peeled off the note to reveal the bold lettering beneath it: ‘Non-Binary and Me. Everything You Need To Know’. Kevin recoiled in horror and hid his face in his hands. How the fuck did that rat bastard know? He felt his cheeks burn and a sickness feeling began to crawl up his throat. He couldn’t fucking do this. He stuffed the pamphlet into his jeans pocket and left the bathroom with a calm mask. He couldn’t breathe.

“Can I come in?”, Nicky knocked softly on the bedroom door and Kevin froze by his drawers. “No”, he shouted back, but it came out in a more strangled way. “I’m coming in anyway”, Nicky pushed open the door and closed it quietly behind him. “Morning sunshine”, his bright smile was hesitant as Kevin turned his back. “Go away”, he seethed, the sick feeling returned with the heat. “Did you read it?” Nicky stepped into the room and dropped onto his bed cheerily. “I said fuck off”, Kevin grabbed the drawers with trembling hands. “No you didn’t, you said ‘go away’”, Nicky’s smile dropped slightly as he leaned forward towards Kevin. “I have another one for pronouns. It’s actually really-“ Nicky stopped as Kevin threw the pamphlet in his face. “My pronouns are he/him. I’m a fucking man, alright? Now take your fucking pamphlets and leave”, he watched Nicky’s smile drop and felt the guilt compete with the sickness. He pushed both feelings down and bit his bottom lip. “You know, I felt like that too. I used to lie about my sexuality so much that I started to believe it. But the feelings never went. They just kept eating at me. No matter how many people were happy with me being straight, the feelings of hatred were still there. I didn’t hate being gay, but I hated myself for hiding it. For lying to myself. But it feels so good being out, no more nights thinking that they were the last”, he let out a shaky laugh and Kevin stared in silence. He didn’t know what to say, he never did. “Don’t get me wrong, no matter what situation you’re in, coming out is still fucking terrifying. But just know that you don’t have to tell anyone, not even me. As long as you tell yourself, as long as you accept yourself. Then you’ll feel better”, Nicky lifted his bent head to smile a fragile smile at Kevin. They sat in silence as Kevin tapped his tongue across the back of his teeth. “I think I am”, he whispered, barely audibly. “You think you’re what?”, Nicky rubbed his hands together on his lap and met Kevin’s eyes. “I’m..I don’t think I’m- a man. Well I am, but..I don’t want to be. I don’t know”, Kevin punched his thigh and bit his lower lip, “I don’t want to be a girl though. I just want..I don’t know what I want. But”, he gestured limply to the pamphlet on Nicky’s lap. “I think I want that”, he dropped his gaze and shook his head. “I’m proud”, Nicky smiled warmly as Kevin’s head shot up, “do you want new pronouns?” Kevin stared blankly as he realized that he never gave himself the chance to think about it. Did he want new pronouns? He let different ones roll around his head, trying them against himself. “Umm..can we start with he/they?”, Kevin let themself hear the new pronouns out loud. “I think they suit you”, Nicky winked and stood up. “Wait”, Kevin leant over and pulled Nicky’s sleeve towards them. “Can you not say ‘they/them’ around the others. I don’t think I can deal with it right now”, they dropped their hand and Nicky caught it, giving it a small squeeze of understanding. “I’m proud of you”, he whispered before turning and leaving the room. “Fuck”, Kevin exhaled and rubbed a hand across their face. They could do this.

[transrph]

                               Writing a Trans Character                         As Experienced by a Trans Man

With more resources coming out for trans faceclaims, I wanted to make sure that there were also more guides on how to write a trans character. So I’m going to be sharing my personal experience with gender as a (very extensive and detailed) toolset for those that haven’t/aren’t questioning their identity. Please keep in mind that this is entirely based off of my personal experience and growth, and that every trans person has their own journey with their own experiences. None are invalid and all are equally as important. This also wound up turning into more of a gender study as well, so feel free to share and message about your thoughts. I’d love to have gender discussions!

 Part One                Part Two The Early Signs   |  Mislabeling

Before coming to terms, or truly understanding gender as a non-binary and fluid concept, I was constantly flipping back and forth between sexuality labels. More specifically, there was a desperate need to explain something that I felt was perfectly normal.

An attraction to girls, in my head, was never questioned when I was a child. I didn’t start to think it was wrong until I was around ten, but even then it was confusing. So when writing a transgender character keep in mind that most children have a better concept of themselves before society forces standards of normality on to them. Most kids know what they like, and they don’t question it; AFAB (assigned female at birth) children may like stereotypically masculine things, and AMAB (assigned male at birth) may enjoy more feminine things. Keep in mind that these are not for sure signs that someone is transgender, however they could be, what’s important to take notice is the dialogue behind the actions.

As an example, I grew up very flat chested and when my sister explained to me that I was going to get breasts, I had an absolute meltdown. I am aware that there are some cis females that this happened to as a child, however my exact words were ‘but I’m not supposed to have those’. Despite a clear understanding of sex and me being classified as female, it never clicked that that meant I wasn’t male. All it meant to me was that I was called she and her.

There are plenty of trans people saying that there were ‘signs’ and comfortability in certain clothing seems to be very common. I think what gets talked over in this, however, are those that weren’t uncomfortable in dresses, but moreso hated that it made people view them as more feminine.

This ties into your characters dysphoria, which will have its own long post, and how that manifests in them. I dont want to dwell to long for the sake of length, but for right now your focus should be on how your character experienced dysphoria before they understood what it meant. What made it spike? How did they cope? Would they throw tantrums? Things of that nature. For me, you can find it in how i never smiled in photos of me wearing a dress or what is seen as feminine clothing. And the way I would describe how I felt in those clothes.

I remember growing up and being forced into certain clothes and the only way I could describe the way I was feeling in them was ‘itchy’. What I now know is that by ‘itchy’ I meant ‘my skin is literally crawling please take this off of me right now’. However this was rarely with dresses and more with turtlenecks. Dresses bothered me because I couldn’t play tag in them as easily, and I was constantly being scolded to sit with my knees close together. I hated that, I liked to be comfortable and sprawled out. The overall point is that everyone’s experience with clothing and the ideas of what is feminine and what isn’t are different. My mother is a tomboy, and so she felt the same as I did when in dresses, not content but not distraught either. It is also why, according to her, my transition was so difficult for her to understand. Because to her, the way I was explaining things simply sounded like I was a ‘tomboy’. It’s taken months for her to understand the differences to being ‘societal boyish’ and actually a trans male.

Another thing often seen is children screaming they are a boy/girl from a young age, for me this never happened. Society accepting girls to act more boyish was always okay, and so I got to wear shorts and pants as I got older and could dress myself. So, for your character, you could decide which route you’d like to take, the route of knowing for sure at a young age, or having mostly no idea and only learning as they grew older. For me I didn’t know I was trans until I was twenty four, others didn’t until well into their adulthood, and some figure it out in their teens. This is entirely up to each individual's experience, however like I said before this is based off of mine.

There’s a specific moment I remember when I was in my very early teens when I googled ‘I wish I was a boy but I’m not transgender’. At the time it felt so silly but I was so desperate because that was all I wanted. I was miserable. I hated everything about how I looked and I remember looking at men on tv and non stop thinking how badly I wanted to look like them. It’s easy to look back now and think ‘holy crap how dumb am I’ but at the time I was so accepted as a tomboy that I just thought that was why I felt this way. Which brings me to the next point in writing a trans character: Most of the time, wishing to be a boy, is all that matters. And what I mean is that there is so much talk about ‘knowing’ you’re a boy but so little on ‘wishing’ it. And sometimes that’s all there is in someone. For me that’s all there was. I only wished, I didn’t know because I didn’t know I could be. The lack of conversation regarding transgender and gender identities hinders a lot of trans people in finding their true selves (and I say this based of the many trans youtubers I’ve watched).

It’s something I’ve actually seen very common when watching trans youtubers that came out later in their lives (mid teens to early twenties). There was a wish to be but never the knowledge that they could be. It seems confusing and obvious, but when you’re in the position and there isn’t much rhetoric surrounding being transgender, and even less representation, it makes the identity and possibilities seem all the smaller.

So I would keep all of this in mind when writing the backstory for your character, or if they are finding themselves later in life and you are in the middle of developing it, keep it in mind how confusing it is to be unsure and how limited the resources are if you’re not sure what to look for. There was no guidebook when I was growing up, and I was always with the understanding that because I didn’t know 100% that I was transgender (the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind and seemed like such an impossibility that I refused to even label myself as such when searching for help), I simply couldn’t possibly be that.

The other thing that I would like everyone to keep in mind, that I intend to touch on in another part of these guides, is how confusing sexual identities further confuses what your gender identity is. Because of my attraction to girls growing up, I labelled myself as a lesbian, however when thinking about my future there was always a male father figure/husband figure in mind. And I could never quite figure out why that was. Now I know that the male image I had in my head that wouldn’t go away was me.

In short, my belief is everyone in life knows who their true selves are, it’s only after society pushes norms on us that we have to navigate and find ourselves again. In Plato’s The Symposium there’s a quote that says “According to Greek Mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. Fearing their power Zeus split them in two separate beings, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.” I’m sure that my own take is not at all what is intended, but I do take something away from this different than the soulmate theories. I feel that this quote shows how our souls, who we are as people, have been split in two, and when young we are whole, we are our true selves. I believe Zeus is a symbol of society, and the thunderbolt the harsh realities we are forced to face that rip us away from who we truly are. And it is our goal in life to find our other halves that we have been split apart from; navigating life so that we can feel whole once more.

Prompt Version:

How did your character experience dysphoria?

What caused their dysphoria to spike? Was it a situation or something physical or social?

How did they cope with their dysphoria? Did they cope at all?

Did they know from a young age, or was it something they learned about themselves later on in life?