#ngl one of the worst parts of getting mental help and not being actively suicidal or self-destructive anymore is like

[flibbertygigget]

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[radioactivetirade]

tw uh sh suicide world ending etc

ngl i been having way more suicidal thoughts lately, like past couple months. not in the regular depressed way im used to, but in a nihilistic nothing even matters kind of way thats somehow worse. like im never gonna act on these thoughts, ive reached a place in my mental health journey where i know all itll truly serve to do is hurt the people i live, and nothing i feel is worth causing that pain. but like the world is genuinely so bleak, and i know im coming at it from a real place of privilege but in a way that makes things worse too. i just look at the news, at the world, at how the VAST majority of people are unhappy or unsatisfied in their lives because only the few have the gift of things every person should have like time, and leisure, and the ability to do things and get actual enjoyment from the majority of our waking hours. i dont know how other people look at the world and think yeah this is fine. i dont know how people keep going everyday without worrying about our collective future, because from where im standing ? we barely have one. its all literally straight logic but the worst part is no one even wants to hear it ! no one is fucking listening !!!!!! i know thats by design. i know the forced work and fucked economy and propaganda and million dollar distractions are doing their job and preventing people from having the caoacity for critical thought and the energy to care. but i feel like no one else is angry like i am, like i feel so justified in being looking at how things are going. im literally ready to do something extreme. something violent. something that could kill me, that could put me in prison for life. nothing else mayters if i can do literally anything to force people to see, to pay attention, to fucking care. i see how things should work, all the solutions to all the problems, like a big jogsaw puzzle ive put together in my head. im not saying doing shit like chnaging our entire global economic system would be easy, but its so so so fucking possible. but i have no power. and i cant force those who do to facilitate the survival of this planet. i cant force them to care. we are all dying, right now. we are all already dead. why am i even here if i am so fucking insignificant ? nd i know i know i KnOW no one is truly insignificant. we have seen time and again individuals stirring the hearts of the collective and making shit happen. hell even just being a body in that collective would mean something. maybe its just my shit fucking brain working against me, but i cant for the goddamn life of me find anything tangible that gives me genuine hope. people will make change , that much is clear. nothing significant enough will happen in the political sphere anytime soon by a long shot. but when ???? when do we take back the planet, and return its ownership to itself ??? when do we start actually listening to indigenous voices instead of literally activally killing them ??? when do we ALL say ebough is enough and actually do something about it instead of just talking and making plans to lobby our local governments and dumb shit ?

im just so fucking tired. i feel like im screaming and screaming and screaming but no sound has come out for years. i fear im waiting for a revolution that will not come and it chills me to my fuxking core every day i am alive. this is why i want to die. out of pure fear. i cant bear to watch the world i and people i love so much burn away into nothing when we all, together couldve stopped it. and i KNOW preemptive fear is stupid, but i cant help it. sometimes i look into the future ib my mind and its fucking glorious. but sometimes i look, and it isnt there at all. i dont know how else to deal with that than to...not. i feel like i put up such a strong front, people see me and they see passion and drive and so many of the good things o our generation. but i am weak, and i am scared. i want a good future so badly i am terrified that i will fight and fight and fight only to fail. my bones already ache with the effort, and sometimes it is easier to just want to rest instead of try. i try to be strong, but i crumble so easily under the weight of potential failure. id rather die than see the world fall. abd yeah i guess id fucking rather die fighting. but i see nothing beautiful in martyrdom. i see only useless self sacrifice. so why not speed the process up and end things now so i dont have to deal with the hardships im not even sure i can handle at all.

ive barely eaten in days, and my mind is just pure violence. i wish my body would eat itself. i wish my brain would just collapse outright instead of this drawn out torture. i wish i could just be happy with the graces ive been given instead of complaining and woreying and trying and failing and crying and decaying.

you will find me one day, and i wont even be there