#new setting just dropped it's all fucked up halflings

[reallyexists]

Too many fantasy societies based upon Homo Sapiens. What about the other great apes, huh?

Chimpanzee: Hedonistic id-driven community. Constant power struggles within & without keep leadership structure churning in a way that could be considered stable if you don't think too hard about it. All neighboring clans simultaneously at war & hooking up with each other, relatively chill with outsiders (but watch out!).

Gorilla: Roving polygamous family unit, with moderate rates of exchange between groups. Highly ritualized conflict resolution procedures generally prevent fatal in-group violence, but individuals expelled from the group commonly succumb to the elements or are killed by beasts. Notoriously proud & squadded up, do not smile at them!

Orangutan: Loosely-connected web of hermits. Complex individual relationships make for interesting chance encounters. Conflicts occur over land rights, the winner sometimes undergoing a strange metamorphosis that deepens their territorial and isolationist tendencies. Obviously wizards.

[instasiswetrust]

Cherry Lane Challenge Day 3 - Crow

A flutter of black, out of the corner of his left eye is what first catches his attention. His hand raises, signaling his party to stop in their tracks. There's some shuffling and a few annoyed huffs which he ignores in favor of taking careful steps towards what caught his eye in the first place.

All is still for a second and then- There. The dry sound of feathers brushing together.

Silently, he steps closer to the source of the sound. When he sees what it is, he relaxes minutely allowing himself another breath. It is but a crow, its left wing dragging over the dewy grass of the clearing. He sees no blood so he assumes it must be broken.

Another careful step takes him even closer to the scared bird, his fingers nearly brushing its feathers, so close-

"Steve, what's the hol- Is that a bird?"

Tommy and the rest of the hunting party burst into the clearing with too loud steps and raised voices, startling the bird into a frantic state once again. It squawks in its fear, broken wing fluttering pitifully as it tries to escape what it assumes to be a predator.

"I almost had it, Tommy!" He turns to his companion, features set into an angry scowl. He may only be seventeen but he was the Crown Prince and they should've listened to his orders! "Why did you break position?"

Instead of answering his question, Tommy walks past him as crouches right by the bird, poking it with a stick and laughing at its resulting squawk. "Can't believe you stopped a hunting party just to save a bird, Stevie. What are you? Snow White?"

Heat rises to the prince's cheeks and he smacks the stick out of Tommy's hands. "Leave it. It's already hurt enough without you making it worse."

Tommy quirks an eyebrow, teeth bared into a nasty smirk. He gives a mock bow that makes Steve's eyes narrow.

"As you wish, milord."

And then, making sure he's got Steve full attention, he gives the injured bird a sharp kick sending it smacking against a tree with a feeble squawk.

The bird struggles to upright itself, collapses, and tries again, before eventually just laying there. Unmoving if not for the minuscule shifts of its diaphragm. All Steve can do is watch, knowing full well that if he so much dares make a move to help it again, Tommy might outright try to crush it under the sole of his boot.

Under the raucous laughter of the soldiers, he follows the hunting party back to the deer trail they were following, the back of his neck red with poorly contained rage. All thoughts of injured crows and helpless birds are stored at the back of his brain where he no longer has to think about them again.

---

So that night, when he walks into his chambers half-drunk on too much ale and a hearty roast, the last thing he expects is to find a girl sitting on his desk chair. Her vermillion hair is cropped short and would help her pass for a man were it not for her curvaceous figure, so distinctly female even under the black robes she wears. On her head, a crooked hat sits adorned with what he thinks are feathers.

As he steps inside, she stands up and he notices her eyes appear yellow behind her spectacles.

"Who are you?" He tries to sound authoritative, like the prince he's supposed to be, but he's too drunk to manage anything more than slurred inquisitiveness.

"Don't you recognize me?" Her lips barely move as she speaks and yet her voice comes out as a shrill squawk, not too different from the frantic sounds of the crow in the forest. It makes him flinch, taking a step back. "Maybe this will help jog your memory."

Under his watchful gaze, he sees her shift into the same crow he saw that morning. His eyes follow the bird as it flies around the room once, before landing on the chair. A blink later, and the girl from before is sitting in the same spot.

No. Not a girl.

A witch.

Because of fucking course the crow had to be a witch. That was just his life.

"Look, I'm sorry for what Tommy did to you earlier today and I truly wished to help you but if I did-"

"But if you did, your companions might've killed me while you watched." She hums, inspecting her sharp nails with clear disinterest. "Those are but excuses and we both know it."

"They are not-!"

The witch clicks her tongue disapprovingly and he finds the words he meant to say dying on his tongue. Fear rises in him, and only then does he consider that the reason she's here and not with Tommy is that he's the one she's planning to hurt.

"It is an excuse, darling." She fixes him with a sharp glare. "You're Steve Harrington, Crown Prince of the kingdom of Hawkmond. They should respect you and yet your own foot soldiers treat you like you're below the sole of their feet."

A feeble protest rises in his throat but she only has but to look, before silence descends upon him again. The worst part? She is absolutely right.

"You're weak-willed. Spineless. A disaster in the making." She huffs, taking the few steps that separate them until they are standing almost nose to nose. "I shall not allow a person like that to ruin what this kingdom could become."

In her yellow eyes, he sees rage flash however briefly, and he wonders what sort of circumstances led a witch to care this much for the outcome of a whole kingdom. It is but a split-second judgment, yet it's all he manages.

For the next thing he knows, pain radiates from every single nerve ending in his body. He falls upon his knees, writhing in agony, and through his anguished screams, he swears he can hear the witch croon in a sticky-sweet voice.

Scion of swords and kings

A curse of feather and blood

Placed upon thee

For thine will is brittle as bone

This shape thou shall keep

Til’ the day thy soul’s to pass

Unless thy lesson is learned

And thee flies with thine own wings

By the next morning, every single person in the Capitol knows Crown Prince Steve Harrington has gone missing. None a single clue left behind to find him.

---

He finds out pretty quickly that the best way to find food in the forest is to follow the wolves.

It's been two months since the night he was cursed, and Steve's come to the conclusion that while sometimes annoying, being a bird wasn't as awful as he first assumed it would be. Flying was nice once he managed to get the hang of it, and messing with the occasional villager while he indulged in the instinctual desire to steal shiny things was something he hadn't expected to enjoy so much.

But he really could do without the feeding.

The first few days he had outright refused to take part of any rotten bit of meal he found, no matter how appetizing it might've seemed to his new instincts.

By day four he had to give in and eat, or he risked worse injuries.

It had been a distasteful ordeal up until he had found the wolf pack during his first full moon as a crow. Night had fallen, and as he made his way through the thick trunks on unsteady talons, he had heard the first howl. For a second, he had almost considered leaving. Retaining this half-human form was still something he struggled with and he wished to enjoy the little time he had before he once again had to return to his feathery prison.

But the call of the wolves ensnared him, and he had to find them.

Except none of them were normal wolves, as he found out once morning came.

From what he has observed in the last month, most members of the pack preferred to stick to their wolf forms as much as they could. Occasionally, one or two of them would venture into the closest town for certain necessities but that was about it.

It was weird.

It was also fascinating.

They didn't seem to mind his prolonged stay, in fact, it almost looked like they welcomed him among their midst without so much as a second thought. He didn't question it, just enjoyed it for the time being although he always made sure he only shifted into his halfling form where the wolves wouldn't find him.

At least, that had been the plan.

But now, staring into the ice-blue eyes of the blonde wolf he had started thinking as his wolf, he realizes that he overlooked one tiny but very important detail.

Wolves tended to have a keen sense of smell.

Well, shit.

Silence pervades the small nook between the trees he had taken as his hiding spot away from the pack, as he simply stares back at the wolf. Waiting for something, maybe a shift, a lunge. Anything.

Except a whole minute passes with nothing happening, and Steve is starting to feel foolish.

"So is this the part where you try and eat me? Or warn me to stay away from the pack?" He chances, hoping for a reaction.

The wolf cocks its head to the side, blue eyes looking almost mocking before there's a ripple and a human is crouching in its place. A very blond, very handsome, human with ice blue eyes. Who's also kind of naked.

Huh.

"The fact that you think nobody knew what you were as soon as you hopped into the clearing that night is telling." At Steve's confused look, the wolf (the man?) chuckles. Guess he was right about the mocking part. "You reek of magic, little bird. Magic and human flesh."

"Well, how was I supposed to know?" He snaps, the small feathers that cover his neck fluffing up.

"Common sense?" There's a smirk this time, along with a flash of fangs. "Did your mother not teach you about magical signatures once you came out of the egg?"

"I- ah" He falters, unsure if he should explain that he wasn't born like this but rather turned into this. He runs a talon through the feathers that have replaced his hair before sighing. "I'm a human, actually. Just got cursed to look like this."

The man-wolf hums, giving him an appraising look. "That explains a few things."

Steve scoffs, ready to stand up and leave this guy alone to go bother somebody else when suddenly he feels a heavyweight drop onto his lap. When he looks down, he's met with a pair of ice-blue eyes looking back at him.

He wonders, not for the first time, why he picked this particular wolf to stick close to out of all the others.

"Does the little birdy have a name?" That smirk is back again and it almost makes him blush. Makes him glad that his whole skin is now covered in black fluffy feathers.

"If I tell you, will you stop calling me that?"

"Nope. But I might give you my name too."

It sounds like a fair deal at least. And that way he could stop calling him man-wolf in his head.

"Steve."

"Steve. Hm. Not quite what I expected." It's been so long since the last time someone said his name, it feels weird hearing it now from someone that is not himself. "Mine's Billy, by the way."

"And what did you expect, Billy?" The name feels foreign on his tongue but he figures time will make it easier. After all, it's not like he ever can return to Hawksmond unless whatever conditions the witch placed upon the curse are met.

Billy shrugs, stretching languidly across Steve's lap in all his naked glory. Something that Steve's doing his best to steadfastly ignore. "Some fancy bullshit like Stefano or Guillermino."

He snorts at that, covering his mouth with a clawed talon. "Why would you even think that?"

"You look the part, little birdy."

[goblin-gardens]

How do you find your found family? With a compass, of course. Hopefully they're always north of you.

EXU, 1611 words, all this is based off of is episode 1 vibes.

He's made it back to the place they're supposed to meet up before anyone else... but as he looks up at the statue he's waiting by, he realizes it looks different than it had this morning. From this angle, the marble statue almost looks bronze. The plaque on the base shares no secrets with him, either. He doesn't remember the name of the mage well enough to look for it among the words.

He sidles politely up to a man selling baked goods from a storefront. "Sorry to bother you," he says. The elf looks friendly enough. "I'm supposed to be meeting my friends by a statue of a mage? Is there one of those nearby?"

"Sure," the elf points first behind Dariax and then to the side. "There's the Vysoren statue at the north end of the Promenade, and there's a few in the park a few streets over. Can I offer you a doughnut for your walk?"

Dariax surveys the choices as the merchant begins to describe each flavor in detail. "I'll take one of each," he says decisively. That's enough to give one to each of his friends and still have a couple for himself.

Armed with fresh supplies, he stops at the crossroads. He can't see any other statues from where he is, so he places his compass in his palm and gives the needle a good spin while he munches on his first doughnut. When it slows, it's pointing off to his left, and as he follows its direction, he sees Opal's shining hair as she turns a corner and heads away from him.

"Hey! Hey Opal!" Dariax almost drops the bag of doughnuts as he scrambles to catch up. "Wait for me! I'm coming too!"

She turns around and waves with a huge smile as soon as she sees him. Dariax triumphantly offers her first choice of the doughnuts.

And they might get lost once or twice more before they find the right statue, but they make it with two doughnuts left. Dariax splits one with Dorian, and Fearne and Ormyn split the other with none left over for the monkey, which Dariax counts as a resounding success.

He's sitting at a bar, enjoying a cup of good ale, Dorian's music from the far side of the room, and the company of the pretty bartender, now that the night is later and the customers have slowed down.

Not all the way down, since it's a big place and she's the only one working. She laughs at Dariax's jokes, but when a trio of well-dressed merchant types sit down at the far end of the bar, she heads off. This time, without any assurance that she'll be back.

It doesn't ruin Dariax's mood any. Without her to talk to, he slips into a quiet, buzzy contentment, happy to savor his ale and the dry warmth after a day slogging through wet mud. He watches the way the firelight flickers on the glass bottles behind the counters for a while, a little drunk and a little hypnotized. When he feels his eyes start to cross, he shakes his head and sits up. He hadn't realized how far he'd slumped over.

The wood of the bar is the same color as parts of his compass rose. He turns the pendant over in his hand and gives the needle an idle spin. It settles pointing to his right, and Dariax is surprised and pleased to find Orym sitting beside him.

He knocks his mug companionably against the halfling's smaller, fuller cup. He doesn't recognize the drink in it. "All right then, Orym? You took some pretty hard hits there earlier."

"All right," Orym agrees. "Thanks to your help."

Dariax fills up to his ears with pride and warmth, and throws an arm around Orym's shoulders, pulling his whole stool closer in. "Of course! That's what friends are for, right?"

The bartender returns, bustling. "Need any refills, lads?"

"I'll have one of what he's having," Dariax tells her, gesturing at Orym's cup.

She raises an eyebrow but turns to grab a bottle from a shelf.

"Wait," Dariax whispers to Orym, "is that very expensive?"

"No," Orym whispers back, smirking. "Just not alcoholic."

But Dariax can't back out now. He only picks up the cup once the bartender has turned away again, and prepares himself to say something polite about whatever it is.

He takes a sip. Then one more. "Hey! That's actually pretty good!"

Orym chuckles into his cup. Dariax grins, so wide his cheeks hurt.

It's moved from late at night to very, very early in the morning. The moons have both set, even the crickets have stopped singing and gone to sleep, and Dariax is concerned that the sounds he's hearing in the woods is a pack of wolves coming to rip their throats out.

Dorian is the one who woke him up, so Dariax shouldn't bother him. Opal screamed and slapped time last time he woke her up, so he doesn't want to do that again. That leaves Fearne or Orym... Orym also hates being woken up, and the fucking monkey is curled up like a furry, smoldering teddy bear in Fearne's arms. No good options.

Dariax hears the noise again, and sees a treetop across the fire shake slightly. Wolves climbing trees? That's very bad. He looks anxiously between Orym and Fearne, hoping one of them will wake up on their own.

No dice. Stumped, Dariax picks up his compass rose and gives the needle one tiny little tap. It quivers and points at Fearne.

Maybe that's a good call. Little Mister can go up the tree and fight the wolves there. Dariax leans over and gingerly shakes Fearne's shoulder.

Her eyes pop open and her ears flicker as he puts his finger to his lips, then points out to where he heard the noise.

"I think there's something out there," he whispers. "Maybe wolves."

Fearne sits up quietly, sliding the monkey down onto her bedroll gently enough that he only mutters and rolls into the warm spot she leaves behind.

"I have a way to see," she whispers back, and casts a spell that Dariax doesn't recognize. Everything around them seems to catch fire for just a moment, then the light settles into a dim, smoldering blue, outlining their sleeping friends around the fire, each leaf of the trees and bushes around them...

and the family of startled raccoons staring down at them from the trees.

Fearne giggles, and Dariax slumps in relief. "Not wolves," she says, and pats him on the shoulder. The light around them fades like an ember dying, and they sit and watch the forest wake up around them.

Dariax is feeling very proud of himself for smooth-talking the smith into a discount. His spear is looking sharp and shiny, and he picked up some new daggers for Opal with the extra cash he'd saved. They're just normal, not as pink as her favorites, but pretty good all the same.

He'd offered to get Dorian's axe sharpened as well, but apparently it doesn't work that way.

He's heading back to their spot, following the sunset down the main road, when he hears a noise from an alleyway to his left. It's soft, but as he listens closer, it resolves into music, an unfamiliar melody that seems to draw him in.

Dariax shakes his head and turns back down the well-lit, populated main road, which has no suspicious music.

He takes a few steps away.

He squeezes his eyes shut and counts to ten, but that doesn't make him move any farther down the main street.

He turns to the alley. He turns away. He takes out his compass rose and shakes it, listening to the music all the while. It has a rhythm, but the single notes feel lonely, like it's supposed to be part of a larger piece.

The needle settles, and points straight down the alley. Dariax follows.

There's a little garden at the end of the alley. It's full of flowers he thinks that Fearne would love, and a fountain gurgling cheerfully in the center.

He doesn't try to move sneakily, but Dorian's eyes are closed when Dariax comes around the corner, flute raised to his lips, a focused expression on his face as he repeats a phrase before moving on.

Dariax stands and watches quietly for a moment, swept up in the music, before he clears his throat. Dorian startles and the music ends in a squeak.

"Sorry," Dariax says into the sudden, awkward quiet. "I didn't mean to interrupt."

Dorian fixes on a blinding smile and gives his cape a little flourish, sliding the flute back onto his belt. "Nonsense, my friend! I was just it was time for me to rejoin the group."

He slides past Dariax and starts back down the alleyway. Confused, Dariax looks regretfully at the little garden and hurries to catch up with his long-legged friend.

"You know, I can't play the flute or sing too well, but I bet I could beat on a drum, or a tambourine or something." He searches for the right words as Dorian keeps moving. "If you wanted some accompaniment someday. That song sounded, I don't know. Lonely?"

"Oh," Dorian says quietly. He stops and turns to Dariax. "I suppose it does."

"I bet Opal can sing alright," Dariax muses.

"And Little Mister can play the piano?"

Dariax scowls. "I don't know about that. I just mean, you don't have to play alone all the time. Just, keep that in mind."

Dorian gives him a real smile now, small but honest. "Thank you, I will."

[canyouhearthelight]

The Miys, Ch. 142

Another late chapter... I’m really batting a thousand lately, seems like.

So, work has been insane, but @baelpenrose reminds me to post when I forget, thankfully. And this is SUCH a fun chapter.  I hope you all enjoy!

I dropped into a seat in Mess Hall Seven with a groan, so exhausted that I barely managed to get soup and a grilled cheese from the console.  Tyche yawned and nodded in agreement before poking at her sushi bowl idly. It was six Von-days after the last drill, and between coordinating increased training schedules for Shelters Three and Seven and helping Charly plan kink-night at the Undine, we were wiped.

“People are ungrateful,” she muttered before managing to barely balance a piece of salmon into her mouth.

I muttered something that hopefully sounded like agreement before I scooped up a bite of my soup with one wedge of sandwich, too lazy to even bother with the spoon. “Remind me why we don’t have Vati and Hannah handling the practice schedules?”

“Because they are handling the extra evacuation drills with Jokul and Arthur.”

Personally, I thought they were getting the better end of this deal, but since the raging success of their first Food Festival, it really was only fair. “And the relocations for those who need it,” I admitted. “Except mine.”

“Conor may actually strangle one of them if any of your plants don’t make it,” she pointed out, gesturing with her chopsticks for emphasis after having given up and using her fingers to eat her lunch. “Not to mention I wouldn’t wish packing with Maverick on anyone.”

“He’s letting me pack the books and textiles.” I shrugged in acceptance after taking another bite of soup-dipped sandwich.

We picked at our food in silence after that, grateful for something resembling a reprieve, before we were interrupted by a flurry of grey hair and enthusiasm landing in one of the nearby chairs with a heavy thunk. “Good afternoon, Madams Reid.”

“Hey, Jokul,” I muttered as Tyche just waggled her fingers at him. I really think I liked it better when he was trying to kill me. Right now, I might even let him do it.

“I know you are both on your meal period, but I wanted to test the waters on potentially scheduling a community activity,” he rushed out.

Tyche guarded her lunch with an almost feral aggression, having heard what happened the last time Jokul had interrupted my lunch. “That should really be something you run by Al-”

“Worthington, yes, I know,” he interrupted. “However, I know you are both quite busy and I wanted to be respectful of your time. As such, I will make this as brief as - ow!” He snatched his hand back away from the other half of my sandwich, rubbing where I had slammed my spoon down onto it.

“I have no idea where the food stealing comes from, but don’t,” I warned him.

“Rude, got it,” he nodded in a terrifying impression of Charly’s normal demeanor. “As I was saying, I recently learned a new type of game from Terra, from the Before.  It involves teamwork, and encourages creativity and escapism, and I think it would be a very good community activity - “

I surrendered to my urge to groan. “We are not doing a redux of Settlers of Cattan. Arthur stabbed someone last time.”

“I didn’t press charges…” Jokul pouted, glancing at the scar on the back of his wrist briefly. “Besides, it was only a fork. Clearly he didn’t mean it, there were four knives in arms reach counting my own.”

Tyche cocked an eyebrow at me. Seriously?

I pursed my lips and wrinkled my nose in response. Yep.

“So what game is it this time?” I asked hesitantly.

I was reward-bombarded with a grin. “It’s called Dungeons and Dragons! Somewhat like a video game, but with more people, and using writing implements and paper. Oh, and different kinds of dice, very important. One person is something of the narrator, to give the game a kind of structure, while the other players act as characters in the game… Ivan introduced me to it, and it is quite challenging with the right people.  The dungeon master - that is the narrator - has to re-evaluate the story based on the actions of the other players, but the players themselves don’t know what the dungeon master is going to do. It is very much a social diversion, and there are many classes….”

As Jokul continued to gush, he was rather oblivious to the fact that Tyche and I were stuffing our faces as quickly as possible to avoid interrupting him or laughing. We had both played when we were younger - in fact, we had been introduced to the game by our mother.  There had even been a very overwhelming pop-culture movement in our youth around the game, which further emphasized just how far out in the boonies Jokul had grown up.  As shocking as it was that he was just now discovering the game, it came at exactly zero surprise that he enjoyed it so much - it was right up his alley of interests.

About fifteen minutes and two more grilled cheeses into his retelling of the campaign he was part of, Charly and Arthur squeezed in with us, their own lunches in tow.  As seemed to be a growing trend, Arthur reached over and snagged one of my sandwiches before I could react, shoving half of it in his face.

That was apparently enough to snap Jokul out of his story. “Hey! Why didn’t you hit him?”

“His deathwish, not my problem,” I shrugged.

Around the remains of my lunch, Arthur managed to enunciate. “Told you, Noah fissed the dairy allergy.”

“Bleargh,” I gagged comically. “It’s okay, think I’m done anyway.”

Jokul’s hand swatted Arthur’s out of the way to steal the rest of my food. “As I was saying, Ivan was quite clever with his resolution to deal subdural damage to the player who was very much ruining the storyline by insisting his character was immune to magical sleep…”

“Oooooo! I love tabletops!” Charly squealed, bouncing in her seat. “What setting are you playing in right now?  My favorite was always Exalted…”

“Miss Harper, I think we are discussing different activities.” Jokul sounded supremely confused, but my heart broke a bit.

Arthur shook his head. “Maybe not Exalted, but what about Ebberron? Swordhaven, maybe?  Just tell me it isn’t Ravenloft… I know you haven’t been fucking around in a Dark Sun, but I beg you to tell me you aren’t playing Ravenloft.”

“I’m not sure what those are… Ivan introduced me to Dungeons and Dragons. There is only one setting.”

“So… Greyhawk or homebrew,” Arthur nodded. “Best place to start, get the basics down.”

Jokul’s head pivoted toward me and Tyche, squinting in annoyance. “You knew, didn’t you? And you let me prattle on…”

“You were so… happy….” I explained plaintively. “We didn’t want to ruin that for you.”

Tyche nodded. “We both remember how fun that first campaign is. And honestly? We’ve been having a kind of crappy day.  It was nice to hear someone be excited about something that isn’t work related.”

“But I came to you to discuss making it a ship activity…”

“Originally, yeah,” I shrugged. “That was maybe the first thirty seconds.  After that, you were doing what literally every tabletop roleplaying person has done since the beginning of time… telling stories about the fun, dramatic, and frankly stupid shit the people in your party are doing.”

“Says the two-foot eight halfling rogue,” Arthur scowled.

“I rolled it at random, it was fifteen years ago, get over it!” I threw my hands up dramatically. “At least I wasn’t mated to a frickin’ deity.”

Charly giggled uncontrollably while Jokul goggled at us. “Exalted is broken in all the fun ways.”

“You literally sacrificed, and I quote ‘all of your fucks to give’, for necromancy.”

“That was your idea!”

Jokul turned toward Tyche, waiting for her to say something. She just held up her hands defensively. “I was a murder monk-bunny.”

Arthur snorted. “You were the Black Rabbit of Inle….”

“Well if my wife would have just stopped dying…!”

“At least none of us were the Platinum Knight who pissed his pants every time he confronted his favored enemy,” I laughed. “He never did live that one down. Every. Single. Dragon. He would crit fail his roles.”

“Oh, please,” Arthur intoned drily. “Did I ever tell you about the time one of my players managed to make ‘Notice me, Senpai’ into the most terrifying in-universe warcry imaginable?”

Charly choked before swatting his shoulder. “Not in front of my pasta. Please.”

Jokul, however, looked both horrified and intrigued, egging Arthur on. “Barbarian whose entire clan worshipped a god named The Senpai…. Just imagine, a barbarian in a rage, bellowing ‘NOTICE ME, SENPAI!!!’ before just scything down thirty men with a broadsword.”

At this point, I was laughing so hard that tears were rolling down my face. “Please, please tell me there was a kilt and pigtails involved….”

Jokul touched his own hair, before straightening as seriously as possible. “They are warrior’s braids, Councillor.”

That was it, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just put my head down on my folded arms and waiting to either pass out from laughing so hard or from exhaustion.  A few deep breaths and a spinning head later, I managed to wipe my face on my sleeve and realized the conversation was continuing without me.  Just as I was clearing my throat to let Jokul know he should be fine to start organizing something and to send me a rough outline, Arthur dealt the final blow.

Leaning over, he whispered over my shoulder. “By the way, the barbarian’s name was Drystan of the Doki-doki tribe.”

I was proud that I managed to get up and dash into the hallway before collapsing against the wall in maniacal laughter.  I barely registered Hannah’s voice behind me asking everyone at the table if I needed medical assistance, and that did not help.

<< Prev  Masterlist  Next >>

[monsterywriting]

Thenerius - pt 1

masterlist

word count: 4,555

male tiefling x female reader

AN: this is planned as a two-parter, like Adam, just super long because i want to make “shorter” (i.e. not a bunch of parts) stories so i can keep up better.

The Deep was a small inn with an attached tavern overlooking the ocean about an hour’s ride from the nearby port city of Alfore. The location was not entirely by accident, or so your boss claims, and it definitely was not a miscalculation of Alfore’s outward expansion when purchasing the land.

Nevertheless, against all odds, Mr. Thistle’s business managed to prevail despite the city’s outer limits remaining largely unchanged for the better part of a decade. His secret to paying his taxes on time was largely thanks to his clientele, taking in those not traditionally welcome within the city limits. To put it bluntly, pirates.

It was your second year working at The Deep but your entire life had been spent within it’s pine walls, your mother having worked here before you. Though you weren’t quite used to being a worker there, there was one thing of which you were certain: you have made more gold in these two years than you had with the salary of a scribe for the capital’s archives in five.

Whenever a pirate crew blew in with the with the sea breeze, the drunken tips of coin and jewelry of dubious origins were almost worth the whirlwind of destruction left in the wake of their days-long benders.

But at present, that period of prosperity was still months away and you were currently struggling to clean the tavern when all you wanted was to curl up in front of the fire on the far side of the room.

There weren’t many guests staying overnight this time of year, whatever handful of travelers entering Alfore by land were willing to stop so close to their destination, but the tavern was never truly empty.

You relaxed slightly as you approached the fireplace, taking your time dusting the mantel as the heat thawed your freezing body.

It was about two-thirds of the way into your third straight shift, the night before having started off promising. A rare merchant ship’s crew stopped by the tavern for the evening at the end of your first trip, but the tips hadn’t been impressive so you had agreed to stay and help the morning shift expecting the clean up to be worse than it actually was.

With over an hour left in your shift, everything was spotless and you had little else to do but pretend to dust as close to the fireplace as you could.

A tap on your shoulder nearly made you topple over the old trinkets on the mantel, Lenora giggling at your reaction behind you. She was a pretty young woman, clearly descending at least in part from the sea, though you never asked her any specifics.

“I hope winter ends early this year,” she sighed, setting down an armful of cleaned mugs on the bar counter, “I hardly got any tips last night, and those assholes ran me ragged filling their ales! Even the pirates would at least leave a gold coin a piece for that!”

“Tova willing,” You snort, slipping behind the bar and stowing the mugs away in their place underneath the counter, inclined to agree with Lenora before a yawn escaped you, your hand quickly covering your mouth as you were unable to contain it.

“You should go sleep in my room for a bit,” she suggested gently, wiping down the wet spots where the mugs had been with her rag, “We’re pretty much finished and you had a long night.”

“I’m fine,” you replied tersely, unwilling to admit how tempting the offer was, “my shift’s almost over.”

Before Lenora could argue with you, Thistle poked his head out of his office and called you into it.

By the time you entered the cramped room - once an extra supply closet - he was already behind his desk, writing something furiously that you couldn’t see over the towering stacks of papers surrounding him

Mr. Thistle was a halfling, the only one you’d ever seen even among all the people at the port. You didn’t know much about them, other than what you observed from your boss. Despite his youthful appearance, you knew for a fact he was much older than he appeared. And, in his case, his personality very much fit his namesake, his tongue and wit both sharper than perhaps was wise.

“What are you still doing here? Your shift ended an hour ago,” Mr. Thistle didn’t look up from his paperwork, his voice sounding almost bored, though you had known him long enough to recognize that it wasn’t a rhetorical question.

“You agreed to let me take on more shifts last month, Mr. Thistle,” you answered.

“You have been here for twenty-four straight hours,” Mr. Thistle frowned, “Rose will kill me for overworking you once she’s well enough to visit.”

You swallowed a growing lump in your throat, shaking your head emphatically, “Please, sir, at least let me finish this shift. You know I’ll work hard and I need the money…”

“Sir? When have you ever called me that?” He spat, but you knew him well enough to know he was cracking, “Fine, finish your shift. But you’re out of here by noon! And I don’t want to see you again until next weekend.”

“Thank you!” You said as you walked out the room, deciding to get one last word in over your shoulder before slamming the door shut behind you, “You’re the best god-dad, sir!”

Just as you returned to the bar with a new vigor, the bell hanging above the tavern entrance rang as it was struck by the opening door.

You and Lenora glanced at each other before turning to see who had arrived at such an odd time of day and season.

“Thenerius!” You cried out once you saw exactly who was ducking down to pass through the entryway without his horns knocking into the doorframe, exaggerated cheer masking your shock at seeing the pirate captain in the middle of winter.

He smirked as he strode up to the bar, his purple hand lifting to dig around his breast pocket for a bag of gold he dropped on the counter for you to take. You quickly hand it off to Lenora to put in the inn’s safe, ignoring her not-so-subtle wink at you and practically skip into the kitchen to help pass out the first round of ales.

You weren’t one to look a gift horse in the mouth, all too happy to greet any customer you knew had gold and play the part of eye candy for them.

Any boredom or exhaustion you felt from your back to back shifts vanished as the solution to your stress magically appeared before you.

Thinking ahead, you save Thenerius’ table for last and no sooner do you set down the four pitchers of ales you’d been carrying is the tiefling pulling you down to sit on his lap. You quickly slide off to sit at his side, allowing him to keep an arm around you. You feel a bit self conscious, knowing you probably smell worse for wear after three straight shifts, but he doesn’t seem to mind as he downs his first mug of ale.

Glancing around, you note that the other crew members didn’t look nearly as jovial to be here in the snow as their captain did. It was definitely dangerous to be navigating the waters this far north this time of year, the winds less reliable and ice tending to form bergs out where there was no hope for rescue, not to mention that pirates tended to stick to the beaches in the south while they waited for winter to pass.

“What are you doing here so early?” You ask, unable to hide your curiosity at how two out-of-season crews managed to stop at the inn, this one more surprising than the merchants.

“The winds were favorable,” Thenerius beamed down at you, though that still didn’t answer the question of why they’d want to leave the south now of all times. Seemingly sensing your dissatisfaction with the answer, he flung an arm around your shoulder and pulled you close, his voice lowering to a hushed whisper that tickled the shell of your ear, “and I simply had to come see my treasure as soon as I could.”

You giggle and pretend to turn your head in a bashful display, inwardly cringing at the nickname. You’re all too happy, however, to accept Thenerius’ hand slipping into your skirts and feel gold pieces clinking together as he drops the coins into your pocket. You accept his flirting and flirt back yourself, tolerating his occasionally hand fondling as he laughed and drank all night. Well, that made it sound more lecherous than it actually was.

Thenerius was obsessed with your hands, feeling the pads of your fingers and rubbing circles on the back of them. You had asked him why when he first asked you if he could hold them, having stared at them constantly before then. He said because they were soft, and you understood. Your hands were no dainty things, the beginnings of some callouses here and there, especially where you held your pen, but they were like a newborn’s in comparison to his, roughened from working on boats his entire adult life.

He also demanded a lot of your attention, constantly keeping conversations with you going when you wished nothing more than to just sit there and fall asleep from his ministrations. Nevertheless, you’d complement Thenerius and look impressed as he recounts the harrowing adventures he’d experienced in the past year and dutifully feel his new scars on his already scar-riddled body in feigned awe.

The man had an ego the size of a small island, an easy enough thing to stroke in order to get a better haul of tips at the end of it all. Other’s also provide company as you are, you even catch Lenora’s eye with a smile as she leads a minotaur into the inn portion of the building. You resist the urge to shake your head, unable to believe she was turning in so early in the day. Mr. Thistle definitely wouldn’t approve, but you were no snitch.

Though, you never let Thenerius get that close to you, drawing the line whenever the tiefling attempted to push the envelope of acceptable public behavior, acting coy when you needed to and sometimes only narrowly managing to avoid his attacking lips by keeping his mouth busy downing more ale.

He was even more clingy than the ones who just wanted to fuck you, but dealing with Captain Thenerius of the Red Night was second nature to you now, well worth the flirting game you two have played for the past two years. Just keep him company until he was piss drunk, and then it was easy enough to extract yourself from his grasp and actually help the others run the tavern. He was by far the customer with the loosest purse strings, always throwing gold around like he were some purple holiday saint.

The constant boasting and drunken attempts at kissing were turn-offs even with his admittedly handsome features when sober. But, he was about as harmless as you were willing to think a pirate, never demanding more of you in the carnal sense, and he was constantly slipping you extra coins, so you remained pleasant.

Realistically, you knew the gold was more likely than not blood money, given his occupation. However, it made no difference to you where the money came from so long as it ended up in your pocket, and the tiefling only ever sought you out when he visited.

You coo at Thenerius’ virility as he flexed before you, your hands on his bicep and nodding along with whatever he told you, both of you ignoring how his crew was gagging and groaning at your cavity-inducing display.

You truly had one person to thank for your position as the pirate captain’s favorite in The Deep: Paloma, a former worker at the tavern herself before she fell pregnant and got married. Once she knew she would no longer be working at The Deep, she had introduced you.

Frankly, the tiefling had shown no interest in you at first, his eyes never straying from Paloma as she worked bringing out supper. It had been awkward - you had barely started working at the inn after emerging from the archives where your only contact with another soul had been through books written by long-dead authors. You had not yet perfected the art of flirting with customers, and you definitely weren’t one to fight for a man’s attention.

It was by pure luck you happened recognize the origin of one of Thenerius’ rings, and even more luck that his attention had actually been on the on the table shuffling a deck of cards when you commented on it, the ensuing conversation what finally got you on his radar.

However, even as you grew comfortable falling into the role of companion for the pirate whenever he blew into town, you were never so foolish as to fall for him or any of the other pirates from different crews that took a shining to you, as some of the other girls were prone to do.

You held no illusion that the Thenerius that would cuddle you like a child would their favorite toy after a few pitchers of ale was born out of anything more than loneliness from a pirate who was likely holding his first warm body after months at sea. And who knew whose body he held after months going back to the other side of the world.

Even if the visits were like clockwork, it was only a few weeks out of the year and their free spirits and lifestyles only spelled heartbreak for those whose lives were spent on land.

And even you could appreciate the fun of the pastime. It definitely wasn’t torture; Thenerius was on the handsomer end of the pirate spectrum, meticulously looking after his appearance and general health even on long stretches at sea. It was hard to tell how much older than you he was, his appearance both rugged from the sea and boyish from his mannerisms, and his choice in outfits were… colorful, to say the least, always wearing the most expensive fabrics he acquired during his travels - which somehow always tended to be the gaudiest.

Though you would never allow yourself to fall for him, maybe you would have at least bedded him had he not ended every night shitfaced, though that bit was partially your doing.

After an hour, and Thenerius is relying on the wall to stay upright more than himself, you try to slip out of the booth as quietly as you can. However, just as you’re about to stand, arms suddenly snake around your waist and pull you ungracefully back down. An undignified yelp escapes you, and it takes all your willpower to not let your instinct to fight against your captor win.

Once you turn, he is staring quite intensely at you, though he fortunately makes no attempt to kiss you. Involuntarily, you begin to turn red at his scrutiny, knowing pretty words won’t placate the tiefling on the rare occasions he goes completely silent like this.

“My shift is almost over,” you whisper, awkwardly pulled an arm out from Thenerius’ hold to pat his cheek gently, “I have to go.”

To your surprise, Thenerius actually lets go on the first try. However, he also rose to his feet and followed you out the tavern and to the stables. He was silent as he watched you ready your horse, so quiet you may have forgotten he was there had you not felt his stare upon your so sharply. Just as you passed him leading your horse out into the courtyard believing Thenerius to just be drunk, he calls out to you.

You stop in the courtyard, looking up at the tiefling in curiosity as his hand dove into his coat pocket to pull out a beautifully intricate golden ring with emeralds encrusted along the braided band.

Normally, your weren’t a fan of such gifts, preferring more liquid assets over something so valuable that you were expected to keep and wear in front of the giver. However, you found yourself making an exception as the ring was so breathtaking you needed to put on no act as you thanked Thenerius and took it carefully from his calloused fingers.

“I love it,” you smiled, trying the ring on each finger until it slid snugly down your right index. You presented the ring to the pirate captain, laughing as you watched his tail swishing behind him and the way his entire expression lit up seeing you wear his gift.

“Actually,” Thenerius cleared his throat, sounding almost nervous as he took your hands in his before you could climb onto your horse, and you cursed your heart for leaping into your throat as his thumb stroked lazy circles over your knuckles.

You manage not to wrench your hands out of Thenerius’ sudden grasp, watching as his thumb and forefinger slowly pull the ring off your right hand. The confusion must be apparent on your face as he chuckled and whispered reassurances as he transferred the ring to your left hand, the fourth finger before your pinky.

It took you a moment of staring to register what was happening, your body only kickstarting into action when Thenerius was in the process of kneeling before you, “I was hoping to do this tonight in front of my crew, but if you’re leaving now-”

Like an automaton finally kicking to life, you took in a gasping breath and closed your fists around the collar of Thenerius’ coat, not caring how you appeared as you pulled him back up before his knee could touch the dusty ground and there was evidence of what was about to transpire.

He fought against you at first, but when you growled out a stern “stop!” he allowed you to haul him back to his feet.

“What’s wrong?” Thenerius had the nerve to look hurt as you yanked the ring off your finger and shove it back into his hand.

“What’s wrong? You’re proposing to me, damn it!” You nearly shouted, managing to curb your temper despite doubting anyone inside would be able to hear you.

You were teetering a dangerous edge, yelling as you were at a pirate of all people, and who knows what he did to get the damned ring, but you were too caught up in your own anger to care that he could easily kill you where you stood. You were too busy feeling as though your world was crashing around you. Things were good. Why did he have to go and ruin it all by doing this? Why couldn’t he just… continue your game in perpetuity. It wasn’t the first proposal you’ve gotten at work, but it was definitely the one that hurt the most.

“I love you,” Thenerius croaked, “I thought-”

“Love? You must be out of your damned mind,” you scoff in disbelief, “You’ve only seen me three times in two years. less than four weeks total. And you’re proposing? You love anyone who bats their eyelashes at you for gold?”

“That’s not true,” Thenerius said, appearing so stricken by your episode you had to avert your eyes to the sheer pain in his own, “You didn’t do it for the gold. You care for me as deeply as I care for you.”

You turn to your saddle, pulling out a burlap sack from your bag and forcing it open. You pull out a tangle of jewelry, necklaces, earrings, even a ring or two.

“I needed the gold, that’s it.”

Thenerius stares blankly at you, and you take his distraction as an opportunity to jump on your horse and ride off.

You don’t slow until you knew The Deep was far behind you, finally allowing your mare to walk the rest of the way home once you’re confident you put enough space between you and the pirate. You didn’t relax until you saw the familiar barn roof above the treetops ahead.

“I’m home!” You called from the doorway, immediately struck by the stillness of the house as unease settled deep in the pit of your stomach.

Pushing back the unpleasant thoughts, certain it was rooted in what had transpired at work, you ventured deeper into the cottage, making your way to the bedroom.

“Mother?” Your call goes unanswered as you enter, smiling softly when you saw her still wrapped up in the bed.

The fire on the far side of the room was burning low, so you threw another log in it before going to sit on the chair at the side of the bed to remove your work clothes.

Just as you were about to crawl into bed, you notice the open book still by your mother and walked around to grab it. It was an old book you immediately recognized, the hand-drawn illustrations and worn pages all too familiar from your childhood. You carefully mark her place with the torn piece of paper she always used and set it on her bedside table.

Glancing at your mother, now closer, you couldn’t help the uneasiness that crept back to the forefront of you mind as you realized how peacefully she was sleeping.

No rattling breathing, no tossing or turning, none of what had plagued your mother’s nights since she first fell ill. A chill ran up your spine as you reached out a tentative hand to brush against her cheek, relief making your legs weak when she grunts at your disturbance and rolls over onto her back.

“What is it?” She yawned, starting to emerge from her blanket cocoon.

“Nothing, I just got back,” you whispered, smoothing back her hair from her eyes, “Have you taken your medicine today?”

She nodded, already drifting off again. You sighed, any thought of sleep gone from your mind from the scare.

You decide to spend the rest of the day outside, finishing all the chores that had piled up while you were gone. First, you had to clean your horse’s hooves, then feed the chickens and gather their eggs, milk your goats and finally take the cured meat our of your small smokehouse.

It was still strange being home, even after so much time had passed since leaving your life at the capital. You had once swore you’d never return to the tiny cottage, leaving to make your own way in this world.

But circumstance led you back home, despite making many offers to have your mother move in with you at the capital. She insisted, however, that she preferred the peace and quiet the country offered her, though you knew in truth she couldn’t leave the home your father had built, the memories and perhaps some buried hope that he may one day return for her keeping her firmly rooted.

By the time you were able to turn in for the day, you were completely drained of all energy. In truth, your exhaustion had begun to catch up to you once you went into the barn to bring your horse out, but you had persevered to finish everything that needed to be done.

Rather than immediately knock out as you wanted, you sat at the table and counted your coins from your past few shifts.

“That’s a lot more than I ever made in two days,” your mother hummed, glancing over your shoulder as she made her way from the kitchen to set two plates filled with steaming food in front of you.

“It was a busy couple days,” you smile. If she notices how strained it is, your mother makes no comment, “I’ll have enough to buy enough medicine for the next few months.”

“I hope that means you’ll finally take some time off,” she huffed, “I’m beginning to forget I don’t live alone anymore.”

“Mr. Thistle banned me from going back to The Deep until next weekend,” you chuckle, feeling a small bit of tension release from your shoulders at how your mother’s face lit up at the mention of her old friend.

“Oh, how is Aedan?” She asked excitedly. She was the only person brave enough to cll Thistle by his first name, or at least the only one he allowed to live afterwards.

“You know, we’d all feel better if you moved into the inn,” you said, not looking up as you deposited your final coin into your purse, knowing your mother’s response before she even spoke.

“For the last time, I’m not leaving my home and neither you or Aedan are going to convince me any different,” she said, her voice rising until a coughing fit overtaking her.

You grimaced as you watched her body curl in on itself, her entire frame shaking with the coughs. Still, you made no move to help, knowing she would only wave you off.

You bit back everything you wished to say, fighting the urge to shake her and tell her the man who abandoned both of you was never coming back, that it was dangerous for her to stay here by herself.

“I’m going to bed,” you say instead, taking your half-eaten plate to the sink and dropping the rest into the scrap pile for the chickens.

As you lay in bed, you turn your head to look at the book your mother had been reading. It was a collection of fairytales, the same book she used to read to you to sleep as a young child. You had loved it back then, the stories of a wily pirate crew’s adventures in far off lands.

Once you grew older and could read the dedication on the blank space of the cover page, you’d refused to listen to the stories any longer, though your mother would still stay up late to read its pages alone.

It had been a gift from your father to you as a baby, before he stopped showing back up. He couldn’t resist the call of the sea, a pirate at heart, your mother had said, but he would return to the two of you one day. You scoffed.

Reaching over, you pull the book onto your lap, flipping the cover open in the lamplight. You stared down at the elegant ink script, the looping cursive rivaling that of even the senior scribes in your prior occupation but remaining as secretive as ever.

You once wondered what your father thought as he wrote the small paragraph, if he knew he would leave your mother at the same time he professed his love and hope for you. Now, you had too many other things to worry about to remain bitter over someone who may well have long since forgotten you.

You mind wanders for a moment, a purple face with lovestruck eyes crossing your consciousness for a moment you quickly stifle, an underdeveloped question cut short before it could fully form and haunt you. You place the book back to where your mother kept it, finally able to keep your eyes closed once your head hits your pillow.

Would he leave, too? And then, nothing.

part 2

[sunflowergirl522]

Runaway: Their Journey Begins

Pairing: Tiefling!Bucky x Elf!Reader

Summary: Bucky takes a lot of jobs to make a living and this one was no different. Except for the fact that it’s for an elf prince and elves tend to avoid him in general. He accepts and with Sam and Steve they start their journey to find the elf prince’s runaway bride.

Word Count: 2,551

Warnings: Language (if there’s anything else let me know)

Bucky and Steve sit in a dark corner of the crowded tavern drinking from their mugs of beer. They decided to come for some drinks to celebrate the mission they just successfully completed.

“How mad do you think Sam is since we had to trade away his lute for the jewel?” Steve chuckles as he asks Bucky the question.

“Seeing that he separated from us as soon as we got in here he’s gotta be fuming. I bet steam is coming out of his little ears just thinking about it. Where is he anyway?” As if on cue a table falls over and their heads turn in the direction to see Sam standing where it once was in front of an orc who’s just realizing what happened. You can tell just looking at Sam that he’s both very drunk and angry. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out Sam pushed the table over.

“Watch where you’re walking, you big oaf! You almost trampled me!” Sam kicks the orcs legs while he speaks. Bucky and Steve both look at each other knowing what’s about to happen.

“You spilled my drink on me. Who do you think you are?” The orc lifts Sam up by the collar of his shirt and yells at him.

“It’s your turn to save him. I did it last time.” Steve sips from his mug nonchalantly as he reminds Bucky.

“For such a small guy he sure causes a shit load of problems.” Steve laughs as Bucky hesitantly gets up to help their friend. “Hey buddy! Why don’t you pick on someone closer to your size?”

“Get out of here handle head. I have no issues with you.”

“Yeah well now you do.” Bucky gives a punch to the orcs stomach and he drops Sam. 

“Okay devil man you asked for it.” That’s when the tavern erupts into chaos. Bucky’s quicker than the orc and dodges his punch while landing a blow to his crotch and knocks him back onto a table. He climbs on top of the orc to land blow after blow to his face.

The tavern doors open and everyone freezes as elven guards walk into the building. It’s rare to see elves in the tavern and you never even see sun elves anywhere. Sun elves normally just stuck to their own areas. So seeing a bunch of royal guards coming into the tavern was enough to stop Bucky mid punch to figure out what’s going on. A hush falls over the tavern and the people who were muttering to each other go silent as an elf prince walks in. He stops in the doorway and scans through the building before his eyes land on Bucky. The prince makes his way over to him stopping just in front of the table. He makes a face of disgust looking at the bloody orc before speaking.

“I’m in need of your services.” Bucky’s eyes go wide for a second in shock before throwing one last punch to the orcs face and motioning for the prince to follow him back to Steve and Sam. The prince grimaces at the sight of Sam so drunk he’s barely conscious and very hesitantly takes a seat across from the human and tiefling.

“What can we do for you?” 

“I need you to find someone for me. My bride to be has disappeared under my watch. As of this morning she was missing from her room and she’s not in my kingdom. It’s preferable that you find her before her father finds out that she’s gone. I believe that she was kidnapped though we have very few enemies and none were aware that she was visiting.”

“What does she look like?”

“She’s a moon elf, that’s pretty self explanatory.”

“I assure you, your majesty, that we don’t see a lot of moon elves in our profession. We need a description to find the right girl.” A moment of silence as the prince tries to find the words to say and something clicks in Bucky’s head. “You’ve never even seen her have you?” The annoyance in his voice wasn’t well hidden and Steve’s quick to but in.

“Where was she last?”

“The last any of my guards or her guards saw her was in the room she was using during her visit.”

“Can I assume you won’t let us in said kingdom?”

“You can and you’d be correct.”

“So you expect me to be able to find some lost princess, who may or may not have just left on her own, with no description, no reason for someone to take her, and without being able to track her from the last place she was. You must be out-”

“We can help.” Steve is quick to interject and cut Bucky off from insulting the prince. Bucky shoots Steve a glare while crossing his arms. “Do you have any suggestions on where we should start looking?”

“There’s a town not too far from the kingdom, I believe it’s called Tavin, I’d start there.” He motions a finger for a guard to come over and he drops a bag of coins onto the table. You’ll get the rest after you return her safely.” The prince then gets up swiftly and leaves the tavern with his guards following close behind him. Steve grabs the coins before Sam can get just sober enough to get his hands on them.

“What an entitled fucking weed eater! We’re never gonna find this damned princess!” Bucky slams his fist onto the table causing Sam to grumble slightly at the noise.

“Are you the best at what you do?”

“Of course I am.” Bucky scoffs at the thought of someone being better than him.

“Then we shouldn’t have a problem finding her.” Steve smirks at Bucky knowing he won whatever argument they could’ve had. “Now let’s go sober up Sam and pack up.” He tosses Sam over his shoulder and starts to make his way out of the tavern. Bucky follows while grumbling to himself in Infernal.

***

It took them an hour of dunking Sam's head in cold water and slapping him to get him mostly sobered up. It was a system of Steve pulling his head out of the bucket and Bucky slapping him before Steve dunks his head back in. It’s a system they had to create because Sam always insists that he can drink as much as them and not get drunk when he does every time. 

“So what exactly are we doing again?” Sam speaks from atop Steve’s shoulders where he climbed up due to getting tired from walking.

“We have to find some elf broad for some prince.” Bucky’s fists haven’t really unclenched since they left town. His annoyance at how little they had to work with was amusing to Steve because he knew that as soon as they got a hint at where the princess could be, Bucky would get the job done in no time.

“Bucky’s still upset with how little we know about her or where she could be.” Steve looks up at Sam to explain the hostility in their friends' voice.

“An elf gal huh? I know the perfect song for this!”

“No!” Bucky doesn’t even have to turn around to know that Sam’s about to reach behind him to grab his new lute that he made them stop to buy on their way out. 

The trio eventually comes to a crossroads and according to the map they have both paths will eventually lead to Tavin. 

“I’ve been to Tavin before if we go right we’ll be able to get there faster.” Bucky looks at Steve while pointing to the path he believes to be right.

“Buck, I’ve gone to Tavin a hundred times if we go left it will take longer, yes but, there’s a small village in between us and Tavin.”

“Steve if I wanted to stop at a town I would’ve picked that one. The prince said that he would prefer we find her before daddy dearest finds out so we should take the quicker path.”

Their bickering continues for a few more minutes before Sam gets annoyed and looks at the map himself.  Taking into consideration what both his friends said he starts walking one way while bringing his lute around his shoulder.

“Where are you going?” Steve yells out to Sam while Bucky smirks at Steve knowing that Sam had just made their decision and he chose the right path.

“I’m gonna go find me an elf lover!” Ater speaking he begins to strum the strings and sing a song about the love between an elf and a halfling. Steve shoots one of his own smirks at Bucky knowing how annoyed he’s about to get and Bucky groans before they both follow close behind Sam.

“Why did I have to befriend a bard?”

“Because said bard saved your life, on more than one occasion.” Sam answers the rhetorical question still strumming away.

“Shut it shortstack, you were only able to help because no one can see you coming.”

“Can we just all agree that you’re both idiots and move on with our lives? I’d rather not spend the whole trip listening to the two of you argue.” Steve can’t speak without letting out a chuckle at how ridiculous they are.

“Alright.” Sam goes back to his song.

“Fine.”

The trio walks on for hours with Sam playing songs here and there and with them all cracking jokes at each other. They walk till after sundown and well into the night. Thanks to the stash of food Sam always has they didn’t need to stop to hunt for anything.

“Can we stop walking now? It’s almost too dark to see the path.” Sam asks.

“Maybe for you but that’s why I’m here.”

“He’s right Bucky. We should set up camp for the night, we could all use some sleep.”

“Alright c’mon, I see a clearing off the path up ahead. We can set up there, I’ll start a fire.” Bucky leads them up the path a little longer before turning just off of it. He takes his pack off and heads off to find wood, leaving Sam and Steve to set up the tent. When he gets back Steve is sitting outside the tent and Sam already went to sleep.

“Do you think we really need a fire?”

“You’re telling me this now? After I went out to find and get wood.” Bucky drops all the wood he’s holding at Steve’s feet.

“I thought you could use some time to yourself to calm down.” Bucky just nods at him and sits next to him, leaning back on his hands.

“Do you really think we’re gonna find the girl Steve?” Bucky asks after a moment of silence between them.

“Of course I do. As soon as we get a hint of where she is you’ll be able to find her in no time.”

“I’ve been thinking, the prince said that no one knew that she was there right? She could have just run away, I mean it’s clearly an arranged marriage and he isn’t much of a catch?”

“I don’t know Buck, from what I’ve heard arranged marriages are rare even among elves. I’m sure if they were getting married they knew each other. I’m gonna head to bed, you should too.”

“Yeah I will in a bit.” Steve heads into the tent and Bucky looks up at the moon. He can’t help but think that Steve’s wrong. He sits there looking up at the moon for a while before following Steve into the tent.

***

“Wake up devil boy! It’s time to get this show on the road! Shit!” Sam whines as Bucky flicks him with his tail. “You’re so fucking grumpy when you wake up.”

“It’s only when it’s to your voice.” Bucky sits up and leaves the tent yawning in the process.

“Morning Buck. It looks like we should make it to Tavin today.” Steve is sat with the map spread out in front of him.

“Morning.” A strand of hair falls over Bucky’s forehead and he runs a hand through the hair in between his horns. “Do I still have food left Sam or should I go hunt something down?”

“It’s gone but Steve already hunted you down some rabbits.” Steve was always an early riser while Bucky was an all-nighter. Sam just liked to sleep, it’s dangerous to even let him rest in a sunbeam.

Bucky looks to Steve and he pulls Bucky’s food pack from behind him to show him the already cooked rabbits inside. “Thanks Steve. Sam come help me pack up the tent.”

Once the tent is packed up the trio starts continuing their journey to Tavin.

***

Tavin is a lively town with merchants and musicians littering the streets. Bucky puts his hood up to hide his horns the best he can. He does this often when they go to a town because he doesn’t know how people will react to a tiefling being among them.

“We should stop at the tavern first.” Steve suggests to Bucky while Sam follows close behind them.

“Well what are we waiting for let’s go!” Sam speeds up hearing the word tavern ready to eat and drink. They follow Sam to the tavern, La Luna, and Bucky grabs the back of Sam's shirt to stop him when they enter.

“We’re not here to drink, got it?”

“Yeah yeah, just here to get information, you’re no fun.”

Steve and Bucky make their way up to the bartender while Sam gets distracted by a pretty dwarf.

“Hey there newcomers, can I get you anything?”

“No thanks, we're just wondering if you can help us find someone.” Steve leans against the counter.

“Barely a soul comes through here that I don’t know.”

“We’re looking for a moon elf princess, you seen her?”

“I may have, my memory may need jogged though.” Bucky slides some coins on the counter knowing how this process works. “I’ve seen her, she comes here often when she’s off adventuring. Pops actually named this place in honor of her.”

“Has she been here recently?”

“Was here just yesterday, she left with a clan of dwarves that are frequent customers.”

“Do you know where we can find those dwarves?” Bucky slides him a few more coins over to him.

“You got a map?”

Meanwhile Sam is trying to shoot his shot with the dwarf maiden he spotted.

“Hey sweet thing, my friends and I are in town looking for someone and I think I may be who you’re looking for.”

“That depends on who you're looking for.” She sends a seductive smirk to Sam and boy is he weak to attractive women.

“Some elf princess, I’m sure you’re much more attractive than her though.”

“Where are your friends now and do they care if we disappear from here for a bit?” Sam points over to Steve and Bucky who’re talking to the bar tender and she looks over.

“Over there, I just have to let them know i’m leaving with a pretty lady-”

“Actually I gotta go.” She cuts Sam off and leaves the tavern in a hurry. 

“Her loss.” Sam shrugs and makes his way over to his friends.

“C’mon Sam, we’ve got a lead.”

Permanent Taglist: @starbxcks

Taglist: @poppunkdork @sourpatchspinster (If you guys don’t want to be tagged let me know you were just the ones that got me back into this)

[tanoraqui]

I have no idea what critical role is but you reblog it a lot. Is it just a bunch of people playing video games or something?

Critical Role is an ongoing RPG game (D&D 5e) played by a bunch of notable voice actors from video games, including Ashely Johnson (The Last of Us), Liam O’Brien (idk, he voiced some guy named Illidan somewhere? I know very little about video games), and Laura Bailey (she’s Laura goddamn Bailey). The Dungeon Master is Matthew Mercer (blanking - Overwatch cowboy) who’s REALLY GODDAMN GOOD at being a DM, and indeed does it as part of his full-time job now, because at some point they all went “fuck it” and incorporated as their own company. Because fuck yeah. Last spring (my god it was only last spring) they did a kickstarter to fund an animated series of some previous RPG adventures, and it broke several records and now - slowed by the global pandemic - there’s gonna be 2 seasons of an animated show, hosted by Amazon I think? (Every time I think about that I scream softly in excitement in my mind.)

It’s currently on its second big, multi-year campaign, with the adventuring party The Mighty Nein. Their previous campaign starred Vox Machina. Some highlights, arbitrarily mixed together, include:

that time Vox Machina had a cannonball contest, displaying their distinct personalities and powersets really well, actually

that time the Mighty Nein accidentally got into a fight with some smugglers and then the city guard, accidentally stole a ship, and thus, and I cannot emphasize this enough, accidentally became pirates

“Take me instead, you raven bitch.”  - Vax’ildan of Vox Machina, half-elven rogue, offering his own life to the goddess of death in exchange for his sister’s and (unbeknownst to him at the time) beginning of long character arc of multiclassing as a paladin

Vox Machina’s archnemeses: doors, and also the elderly

the Mighty Nein’s archnemeses: chairs

Veth Brenatto, sometimes Nott the Brave, of the Mighty Nein regaining - with the help of her friends - her halfling form after years as a goblin, and immediately dip-kissing her husband and kicking all aforementioned friends (and her son) out so they can have sex

Taliesin Jaffe had eerie luck with nat20s in the Vox Machina campaign, but I maintain that Laura Bailey [harp music] actually has the best record for narratively on-point nat20s, including but not limited to:

two consecutive nat20s as Vex’ahlia of Vox Machina, half-elven ranger, to shoot the Briarwoods (sexy wizard/vampire couple) when they were about to kill her brother

True Love’s Nat20, rolling as part of the resurrection ritual to bring back Percy (Percival Fredrickstein von Musel Klossowski de Rolo III, human gunslinger of VM)

in the culminating moment of an episode in which the M9 one by one spoke with ancient, evil hag about what they might trade her in order to lift the curse on Nott, tiefling Jester Lavorre rolling at nat20 deception check to trick the into hag eating a cupcake laced with magic dust that lowered her ability to resist the Modify Memory curse Jester immediately cast, convincing the hag that she’d already agreed to the deal without demanding anything in return

not a Vex roll but Vex-enabled: dropping Grog (goliath barbarian) out of basically a magical pokeball with perfect dramatic timing for him to roll a nat20 final blow on his evil abusive uncle, cleaving him in twain

“Call me child one more goddamn time--”  - Keyleth of the Air Ashari, half-elven druid of VM, snarling at the ancient green dragon who’d orchestrated the destruction of 1/4 of Keyleth’s people

“You were not born with poison in your veins....Welcome to the Mighty Nein.”  - Caleb Widogast, human wizard, consoling/forgiving/welcoming aa lawful evil NPC who they’d caught playing a major part in creating a war between two empires for The Greater Ultimate Good (and kinda his own personal gain)...but he was their friend already at that point and Caleb had his own history with doing terrible things that he thought were right at the time, and actually someone else might’ve said the “Welcome to the Mighty Nein” part but that’s intrinsically part of it, and it’s...something they say to a lot of people; to a range of NPCs and guest characters. Which is interesting because Vox Machina DIDN’T; they were a tighter family unit but...well, they were a tighter family unit. And kinda...better people, more Heroes(TM)? Disastrous and often very fucked up inside and sometimes out, but Heroes(TM), on the whole. 

whereas the M9 are more trying to sort out their own personal problems, and stumble into international politics almost by mistake. Even their relationships with NPCs are different - they don’t trust, none of the M9 trust in a way VM did, the party took much longer to gel just with each other. Partly, admittedly, because by the time Vox Machina came to the YouTube screen, the cast had been playing at home for about a year, whereas we’ve been watching the M9 from level 1...but even accounting for that, they’re all much less trusting people. Most of them had big secrets in their backstory

which is why it’s all the more wonderful every time they invite someone new it, either outside the group or just with each other. And it pays off - I don’t have a whole meta, but I’ve been thinking idly for a while about how kinda...the big (DM-created) plot twists in the VM campaign were generally...disruptions, dissolutions, or betrayals? The deception of Raishan (aforementioned ancient green dragon.) Hotis’s assassination attempt on Vax, while disguised as a trusted NPC. When Emperor Uriel stepped down and before he’d even finished his speech, there was a sudden invasion of 4 goddamn ancient dragons. Whereas the M9...not only have no NPCs unexpectedly turned on them (the grievous actions of aforementioned lawful evil NPC were mostly pre-story), but it feels almost like a plot twist every time an NPC in authority is benevolent? Like, they arranged peace negotiations between the warring empires and I think every single fan and player was waiting with bated breath for it to all go wrong...and it didn’t. There’s a truce, now. Will it last? Who knows. Jester’s god turned out to not be a god at all, just an archfey in over his head, but he’s not trying to hurt anyone - he came clean and asked for help.

Idk, man. Critical Role streams on Twitch every Thursday at 7pm, or at least, it’ll keep doing so if public health concerns don’t make it take a break again, and it makes me unironically happy to watch, pretty much every time. The cast has great friend chemistry and, now that they’ve all warmed up to each other, so do the characters.

Episodes DO tend to be 3-4 hours long, shaving off maybe half an hour in the podcast versions, so be aware of that. But I just kind of set Thursday evenings aside and I love it. 

it’s funny bc I told my roommate I probably wasn’t going to go on a long emphatic ramble in response to this but Here We Are

[unicyclehippo]

beaujester prompt: balter

She’s worn out all the others, and booed the ones who begged off dancing, and has almost given up hope when she spies Beau returning to the tavern.

‘Beau! Beau! And Caleb,’ she adds, seeing their friend standing at her side. He must have been there the whole time, they must have returned from the library together. He must have been standing behind her—that’s why Beau is the only one Jester saw. ‘Come dance with me!’

‘Oh, I am not one for—ah, you meant Beau,’ Caleb mutters, words trailing quieter as Jester grabs her friend and whisks her away.

‘I think you’re supposed to ask people to dance,’ Beau says. She has to lean close to speak over the music; even so, her voice is pitched loud, and Jester has to pull back to check to see if she’s actually upset. Beau just grins.

‘You might’ve said no,’ Jester tells her.

Beau just shakes her head, and follows her around the room.

She’s surprised to find that Beau is surprisingly good at dancing, and also that she doesn’t seem to give a shit and is perfectly content to gallivant around the room with Jester heedless of what anyone else might think. And she hasn’t even had a single drink! She lets Jester spin her, and duck and dive amongst the lively crowd, and Jester spins away to new partners in the mass but always finds her way back, back to Beau’s wide, easy grin and the hand she always offers when Jester comes close.

‘You’re good at this!’

‘What?’ Beau shouts back, swearing when a dwarf stops hard on her toe.

Jester yanks her close, arm around her waist. Pulls her out of the line of attack for a second stomp. ‘I said,’ she yells, tilting her head up to Beau’s ear, laughing when her cheek knocks Beau’s chin, ‘you’re good at this! Dancing!’

Blue eyes flicker away from Jester, only for a moment, before she returns with a smile. ‘Well, duh! I’m a monk! We’re fast.’

Jester accepts that answer with a laugh, a nod. There are unsaid words clenched in Beau’s tight jaw—it tells Jester that isn’t all the reason, and in the same moment tells her to leave it. Don’t press.

So she doesn’t.

She grasps Beau’s hands and leads her in a gallop around the room, clasped hands leading the way, the drums and jaunty strings urging them on and faster and faster and everyone else in the cleared space here on the tavern floor seems to have had the same idea because all around her people are spinning and running with their partners and it’s a blur of colour and sound. Jester’s heart is racing and her cheeks hurt from laughing, and laughing as Beau calls out to the slower couples in front of them to either jump out of the way or get trampled, motherfuckers! And then the great final blast of horn comes and Jester spins Beau out, dips her. Neither of them quite expect it and it’s far from perfect, but Beau surprises her by kicking her head back and laughing.

Jester surprises herself. Sees firelight play over the dark brown of Beau’s skin. Sees the sweat pouring off her, dotting on her skin. Jester licks her lips and tastes the salt there.

‘Pull me up, Jes,’ Beau laughs. ‘Next time, I’m dipping you, okay?’

The music kicks up again. Beau takes her hand.

//

Eventually, they stagger up to their rooms, exhausted. The faint strains of music continue, reaching them even on the third floor behind closed doors, though it is muffled.

Beau returns from the washroom second, already dressed in her soft pyjamas and a towel draped around her shoulders. Little wisps of dark hair are plastered to her forehead, her neck, and Jester can’t look away. Beau so rarely wears her hair down; she looks strange, but no less lovely. Just...different.

Jester realises that Beau is watching her as much as she is watching Beau when the other girl speaks.

‘I took lessons,’ Beau says into the quiet of their room, rubbing at her hair with the end of her towel. ‘I dunno why I didn’t say that downstairs. Didn’t mean to lie.’

‘That’s okay,’

‘No, I’m - it’s not, but I’m working on it. Just didn’t wanna ruin the mood, that’s all. I was having fun,’ she tells Jester. Smiles that gentle smile that she reserves, just for her. Jester knows it because Beau isn’t known for her gentle nature. Not that she’s cruel or anything, it’s just not something that seems to come naturally, so every time she smiles at her like that Jester knows. It’s on purpose. It’s for her. ‘Didn’t want to think about it, that’s all.’

It’s hard to tell sometimes with Beau if she wants to be asked a question, or if she wants the subject dropped. Sometimes, if Jester is careful, she can do both—make it so Beau can take or leave the conversation.

She turns on her bed, onto her belly, kicks her feet up behind her like they’re gossiping. Blinks at Beau with a wide grin.

‘I bet you were so cute. Did you have to wear dresses when you danced? Did you have someone playing music? Can you play an instrument? Was your teacher very strict? Was she hot?’ Jester waggles her brows.

‘He,’ Beau tells her, ‘was, like, a two hundred year old halfling with bad breath and a bad attitude. He loved dancing and hated kids, especially kids who couldn’t dance. And I was,’ Jester is fascinated to see Beau flush, cheeks darkening. ‘I was a clumsy kid.’

‘No!’

‘Yeah.’

‘I don’t - but you’re - you’re a monk,’ Jester tells her like she doesn’t know.

‘I know,’ Beau laughs. ‘But I had two left feet and I just - I hated dancing. Stand up straight, Beauregard. Don’t watch your feet, Beauregard. Don’t climb out the window and run away, Beauregard.’

Jester laughs, delighted by the impression and the image of tiny clumsy Beau throwing herself out the window and running into the fields. Or. The sands?

‘Sucks that he was such a jerk about it. I reckon I might’ve enjoyed it otherwise.’ Beau glances down at the floor, at her bare feet. Toes at a mark in the grain. With a forced laugh, she shrugs. ‘Then again, I was such a little shit, no wonder he was a jerk.’

Jester shakes her head. Beau avoids the soft look she sends her, so Jester doesn’t say anything about that. Instead, asks, ‘Did you have a favourite? Dance, I mean.’

Beau shrugs. Nods.

Jester jumps up onto her knees. Bounces her way to the edge of the bed and nearly toppled off it as she hurries to Beau, hands opening and closing, shoulders and tail wriggling with excitement. ‘Show me, show me, show me! Please, please, please?’

Beau groans. ‘We just danced for like, two hours,’

‘Please, Beau!’

She sighs. Jester knows she’s won, squeals.

Beau tosses her towel over to the end of her bed. Shakes her head, disbelieving. ‘Uh. Okay. Well. You hold your hands up like this,’ she begins, lifting both hands with her palms toward Jester. Jester copies her, presses her hands to Beau’s. ‘Um. It’s been a while, just, I have to remember,’

She closes her eyes, brows creasing over them heavily like she’s trying to squeeze the memory out from her mind. Beau’s lips move fast as she speaks quietly to herself, and Jester finds herself staring, fascinated. At Beau’s hair free around her shoulders. At the hard line of those shoulders, spilling into biceps tense with preparation. At the way Beau snarls the tiniest bit when she messes something up, shakes the thought away.

And then Beau steps toward her and Jester doesn’t move, wasn’t ready to move, and Beau has to catch herself and Jester to keep from falling, wrapping an arm around her waist and dancing into a quick side-step.

‘Sorry, sorry,’ she laughs, eyes open now. ‘You have to step back when I step forward. It’s basically a waltz.’

‘A waltz?’

‘Yeah. Three beats.’ Beau taps them out against Jester’s hip, her hand still resting warm on the curve of it. One two three, one two three, one two three. ‘Don’t bounce your head, Beauregard,’ she says in the same voice she had used earlier to mimic her teacher, ‘you’re not a chicken.’

‘You’d made such a cute chicken!’ Jester argues, even though the teacher isn’t here, even though her reply makes exactly zero sense.

Beau snorts. ‘Thanks?’

‘You’re welcome.’ Jester’s tail curls, nearly twisting into a knot, and she avoids Beau’s fond, searching look to glance down at their feet instead and ask, ‘So... I step back when you step forward?’

‘Yeah. And then we step to the side, that’s on the second beat, and then feet together. So the first foot slides over to meet the second.’ Beau demonstrates, stepping forward and sliding to the side. She stops. Frowns. ‘You’re left handed.’

‘Mhm yah.’

‘Okay. So we’ll go with your dominant side. I’ll step forward left foot and you step back on your right foot. And then when we get to the turn,’ she shows Jester a simple step and turn, slide, twist. ‘We’ll both go left. And I end up in your spot, and you end up in mine. And you just go around the circle like that, basically.’

‘Seems simple enough.’ Jester nods, determinedly. Looks expectantly at Beau.

‘Oh, you still want -‘

‘If you do,’

‘Sure, yeah, we can,’

‘I mean, I didn’t really get to finish the dance,’

‘Right, no, I guess not since we kinda fell over. Um.’ Beau steps in toward her, hands raised.

Jester wipes her hands down on her nightgown. Hopes they aren’t sweaty. Or too cold. Or worse—sweaty and cold. Clammy. It doesn’t help that Beau’s hands are perfect and dry and warm when she sets them against Jester’s.

It is awkward for a little while. They fumble the steps and Beau nearly steps on her feet a few times—and, okay, Jester nearly steps on her feet too—but finally Beau moves their hands out to the side and steps a little closer, brings her head down so she can see their feet and also murmur the count.

‘One two three. One two three. One - there you go, Jes, that’s it. Fuck you Mister Ordanzi, we can look at our feet if we want to.’

‘Fuck him,’ Jester agrees, with gleeful vitriol. But she also doesn’t. Watch her feet, that is. She looks at the strand of hair that hangs, tickling at Beau’s cheek, which she tosses away from her face with small jerking movements now and again when she remembers it. If Jester had a free hand, she would help her. Tuck it behind her ear for her. The idea sparks and Jester moves their joined hands up to do it, curl it back behind the shell of Beau’s ear; she feels and sees Beau jerk in surprise at the touch, blue eyes darting up from the floor to Jester’s face.

‘You - your hair was - and I moved it.

‘Oh. Thanks.’

They’re still dancing. They haven’t attempted the turn yet, though, and Beau steps back, ostensibly to give them space to try it. Clears her throat.

‘Okay, so, this bit is kinda hard. You almost haveta hook your foot behind mine like you’re gonna trip me and then step around me. Like, um, hold still,’ Beau’s hands drop to her waist then pull away quickly, like she’s been burned. She doesn’t stop, or falter though. Her left foot steps forward on the one as usual, and then she keeps moving forward so that on two her leg is behind Jester’s. Her torso twists away and then on the three she is sliding past her and behind.

‘Um.’ Beau’s breath puffs against Jester’s neck. ‘You would obviously have done the same and,’ Gentle hands urge Jester around to face her. ‘We end up like this. Wanna try?’

She does. And after a few missteps and their giggling and Beau’s patient instruction, which grows more confident as she remembers how it is supposed to feel, how to properly set her feet, they fall into step. Beau no longer needs to count the beats for either of them, their feet moving together and tapping it out, and between each beat there is the swish of Jester’s dress and the slide of Beau’s hands as she twists her wrists, moving in a slow and twining fashion that, judging from her focused stare, is a part of the dance she’s remembering. Jester copies her and Beau grins, eyes meeting hers. Feet never falling out of step. Jester hums, delighted by the shifting shadows their arms throw onto the walls with the help of low lamplight, the thump of her heartbeat as Beau suddenly dips into the turnand steps past her. Jester copies her, twirls—and their hands meet again, like they couldn’t be anywhere else.

‘Not as simple as I remember it being,’ Beau says very quietly, not wanting to disturb the charged atmosphere

Jester nods. ‘It’s a lovely dance, Beau. How do you know when to do the turn? Is it in the music?’

‘It’s...supposed to be on every fifth triplet, I think.’ Beau’s fingers twist, graze over the sensitive skin of Jester’s wrists. She shivers. Beau’s eyes follow the movement of her fingers, and Jester shivers again, the weight of her eyes like a second touch. ‘There was a festival every year,’ Beau tells her. ‘In Kamordah. People would dance this later in the night. Married couples,’ she admits. ‘And the ones who’d just got married, y’know most of them did it every fifth like they were supposed to. But the really good partners or the ones who’d been married forever just seemed to know.’

Jester smiles. ‘That’s beautiful.’

‘Yeah. Yeah it is.’

Jester steps past her without warning, twists. Her tail flickers to tap Beau’s calf as the other girl spins, and Beau meets her neatly on the twist, hands touching to hers. She meets Jester’s eyes with a flash of challenge—maybe her own, maybe in response to Jester’s. She steps past Jester. Turns. Jester can feel it, something between them like a rope, a ribbon, and she can feel her own turn neatly mimicking Beau’s. Meets her on the turn, hands sliding together. She can’t resist the pull of that force, lets it pull her a steps closer to Beau so they aren’t the requisite foot apart. So close she has to turn her head a little, not wanting her horns to knock into Beau’s chin, only to find that Beau has already adjusted for it. Beau moves their hands outwards, just past their shoulders.

Fingers lace together.

One two three.

One two three.

Jester’s heart beat feels so loud, thumping in time to the beat. She senses, not really feeling, certainly not seeing, the shift in the dance. The challenge, the trick, the humour in it. The trust. Beau trying to step around her without letting her know. Jester grins, sees the answering smile on Beau’s lips as they part and step and turn and twist and meet again.

Jester stumbles when Beau stops.

‘I think -‘ Beau clears her throat. ‘I think you’ve got it,’ she says, voice hoarse. She hasn’t moved back yet, standing nearly chest to chest. Fingers intertwined. Even as Jester thinks it, she feels Beau step back. Draw back, away from Jester. Slip her fingers out from their laced hold.

Watches Beau take two shaky steps away, toward her bed, back turned.

Jester follows suit, matching Beau’s steps still. Lays down in her own bed and waits for sleep to take her, even if when she closes her eyes all she can see is Beau lit by lamplight, and hear the distant strains of music, and the constant hammering beat of her heart that, for a short while at least, moved to a three beat rhythm.

[patchdotexe]

Explorers of Arvus: uhhhh / 3.23.21

today's notes are different from usual bc. well. you'll see

LAST TIME ON EXPLORERS OF ARVUS i broke my sleep schedule and am barely existing so this is fine. we went back to camp vengeance an uhhhhhhhhhhhh we are now going to fuck off into the forest to die or prove a very important point

oh god we forgot to level up

[mgd voice] BOOSTING NYX TO MAXIMUM LEVEL

im so fuckin tired. what on earth am i doing. how do i level again

k is not here this time but instead we've got mae+nii bonking their heads together to simulate 2 braincells and so far it is not working. i might just have to like fuckin, drop out n zzz partway thru or somethin. would be fun to see how chaotic michael makes charlie in my absensce

oh wait i can do d&dbeyond i think. how do i work this again. will i ever remember i have shield

what level am i. level 6? pog. oh shit i think i have a new thing

. new spell

. 3 total 3rd level spell slots

. bend luck! i can now screw people over on purpose (and will probably use my sorcery points FINALLY)

michael is leveling charlie up bc my brain is apple sos

ASDXFKLJFH I FEEL CALLED OUT zec rb'd my most recent art of MaX with "all i know about xem is that leo likes xem a lot that's the extent of my knowledge" THANK U FOR SUPPORTIN ME ANYWAY

there will be less blaseball distractions than last time bc blaseball is now on siesta. however i will still have MaX brainrot in the background bc i was drawing xem

wyatt mason my beloved

OKAY I GOTTA MUTE THE TACO STAND FOR THE ENTIRETY OF D&D i cannot and will not get distracted. we can do this. we

nintendo wii

we havent even started yet and im already incoherent

ok i have made a decision and that decision is that i do not have the brainpower to play. however i do have the brianpower to take notes hopefully! so ill just like. vibe. this will be a first

oh man im gonan pick up Blink. charlie is gonna be a fucking menace to herself and others

oh my god its not concentration so charlie may continue teleporting while unconscious. thorne is going to hate this

[charlie gets her soul eaten by a ring] [charlie singing dragonston din tei at halvkWAIT JORB HAS A PRIZE

jorb got a thing! an evil genius thing! figure man. fugrine. figuring. help

GREEN HAS DIAGNOSED ME AS TIGREX MONSTERHUNTER i love this

my notes are a disaster. this is so sucks

serotonin is stored in the wiggly zoomy jorb camera

jorb: his pinky is the size of the rest of his fingers

leo: he has a disease

jorb: he has a disease.

jorb: that disease is male pattern baldness

leo: [reduced to tearful giggling for mysterious reasons]

LAST TIME, ON EXPLORERS OF ARVUS: we've returned to camp vengeance! taure is still unconscious, which is not very great. camp vengeance is doin better tho!

michael, as part of the recap: ingrid is getting railed by her new girlfriend,

first dice roll of the day is michael rolled a 1. good start

OH THORNE IS AN ARTIFICER NOW thorne took a level in artificer!

"...it's like figuring out the right mathematical equation to summon a gun."

group is gonna go check out the statue that we passed by now that we're not WHAT DO YOU MEAN PONK AND GEORGE CANONICALLY HAVE IBS thats it im not looking at 772 anymore

im doing a bad job of paying attention but at least im Present

SIERON LEARNED FLY AND USED IT ON CHARLIE

michael: what do you want to do with your new flying powers?

leo: how many problems can i cause in 10 minutes

guard 1: ...why is the halfling flying?

guard 2: [rolls a 3 on intelligence] i think they can just do that

groundhogs, the real scourge of the campaign

silje and sieron are gonna hunt a big elk. they got distracted and sieron is putting grass on silje's head. i think

WAIT WE'RE ON WATCH NOW FUCK

we have discovered kali's tragic backstory whoops

update i am. too sleepy for this. good nigh everyone

[ and then leo went and somewhat took a nap! solar, normally playing thorne, started playing charlie in my stead. @jorbs-palace, local hero, started taking shitpost notes in my stead. ]

jorb's ghostwritten notes for leo:

help solar is immediately doing a cursed voice for charlie. charlie can do so many crimes

congratulations, charlie is now temporarily immortal!

dwarves can hit things with their beard

kali wants to know if she's legally allowed to bail

she'd feel really bad if she had to loot our corpses for payment if we died.

we have entered the Tree Zone

one of the corpses is now a flamingo (has one leg)

silje has decided to stab the ground. take that, dirt

kali was large size for a second there but then she remembered to not be a giant

"you accidentally deleted my cat?!"

silje has learned naruto cloning jutsu

be gone, thot

oh boy, making an int check to look at a statue! 11! silje is dumb apparently.

hmm. the statue has divination magic. it's also affecting silje.

SILJE LEARNED A 6TH LEVEL SPELL? its only single use but still

you solved my statue riddllllleeeee

thorne forgot to have eyes

its a shame mac and cheese doesnt exist in the d&d universe

wizards are just math criminals (the criminal part is setting people on fire)

sieron crit fails a check but it was still a 9 because of having +8

thorne is looking for what's weird!

uh oh music got scary, never a good sign

hmm. those leaves over there weren't dead a moment ago.

UNDEAD TROLL TIME! rolling initiative

"it's ok, im a wizard, it's my duty to be correct." "wow! waow!"

woooah here he comes

IT JUST DID HALF SIERON'S HEALTH AS A PASSIVE END OF TURN EFFECT?

thorne backed up and cast eldri- oh, ray of enfeeblement. character development continues

charlie is going to just blink out of existence for a minute.

big chungus has grabbed silje and sieron. BIG CHUNGUS HAS THROWN SILJE AND SIERON.

sieron is using hit and run tactics! isn't good at his extra attack yet though

silje is activating bid bid blood blood blood

thorne uses beam of skipping your leg day. troll's legs are now skipped.

michael is trying to determine what a 'clavicle' is

"does that mean the star trek kind, or the bdsm kind?"

charlie wants to cast magic missile.

charlie has vanished back into the ethereal plane mid-taunt

silje has decided to not get bitten today

silje may or may not have stats.

oh, right, trolls are weak to fire! and also we forgot to upgrade sieron's firebolt. so it actually hurts now!

silje is full of knives and blades and does 31 damage in one turn!

charlie shouts words of encouragement from the ethereal plane. a nearby ghost vibes with this.

🎉 eldritch blast 🎉

kali remembered she hates the sun

silje is enthuasiatic about charlie saying "get him cat boy!"

charlie contemplating using fireball to nuke the troll and also the entire stonehenge

charlie has decided to use magic missile instead, probably for the best

the troll bit at charlie SO POORLY it broke some of its teeth on the ground

charlie is too small to hit

accidentally rolled advantage on a firebolt, so got to learn it WOULD have done 29 damage with a crit but instead it missed because it was not actually with advantage

silje has just sliced open its entire back and made a spray of frozen blood! radical. big boy is down!

we have burned the body because we are not stupid. well, we ARE stupid, but not stupid in the way of leaving a body full of necrotic magic around

[dr coomer voice] i think it's good that he died!

we're also doing a funeral pyre for the other corpses that were around. just to be sure.

our loot is: the satisfaction of a job well done

thorne is cosplaying as charlie

charlie has located the direction troll came from! she found the 'the way to sweet loot' sign

thorne is apparently better at survival checks than our hired guide? wack

we found a viking house! it has: mead, a shield, gravestones,

found a gold coin in the mead! maybe it was thirsty

oh theres a LOT Of coins in there actually. 60 gold and 120 silver!

have successfully pointed out a hole in the DM's logic :)

there was a raven! it cawed and left. ok bye buddy

and that's where we leave it! heading back to camp vengeance next time.

someone rated this session a 7.2 out of 10, which is very specific

good night mr coconut

[the-big-nope]

Been rewatching Vox Machina in fits and spurts over the last few months (currently on The Kill Box), and recent meta has me comparing how it might have gone if it was the Mighty Nein in this Kevdak fight (or something very similar). 

Bless that person that said Vox Machina fights like individual heroes vs. Mighty Nein who fights more as a unit, because it feels damn accurate in the Kevdak fight. As a whole, VM is FAR more DPS focused than the M9. You’ve got Grog, Vax, and Percy, who are pure damage dealers. You’ve got Vex, who’s got access to spells but mainly uses them to boost her damage/number of attacks. Even Pike and Keyleth, who are what most people consider more support-based classes, tend to lean toward attacking more than anything else (Pike favors guiding bolt, spiritual weapon, and healing when needed, while Keyleth tends to spend large chunks of battle in beast shape or otherwise using big damage spells like call lightning, sunbeam, and blight. Keyleth’s broad utility tends to shine outside of battle, but she’s definitely a fighter druid once they do get into scraps). The only dedicated supporter VM really had was Scanlan, and that tended to be single-target focus: hold person, modify memory, counterspell, and bardic features that aided one person at a time. VM was a crowd of hard-hitting badasses whose fights were epic as hell when it came to straight up slug-fests that they could bash their way through, but who could fast get into trouble if the odds outweighed their DPS output or there’s some magical trick to them. 

Compare to the Mighty Nein, aka Team Debuffs McGee. I’m not CritRoleStats, so correct me if I’m wrong, but I get the impression that VM were probably putting out better damage at this level, given their sheer focus on it. However, it feels like Matt gets more frustrated by the M9 steamrolling through his encounters this campaign because the M9 are such a tough nut to crack when they’re all together. They have Jester and Caduceus stacking buffs and debuffs (power combo Bless and Bane, Incite Greed, and single target stuff like Command and Polymorph) like crazy, with the workload split allowing Jester to focus on damage and Cad on support. They have Caleb also on support and control, with some big broad damage spells that can wipe adds damn quick if Episode 86 was anything to go by. Nott’s mainly DPS with some of that Scanlan-reminiscent single-target control like Phantasmal Force and Hideous Laughter. Fjord’s just unpredictable as fuck: he can deal damage, move players around the battlefield, drop a demon on a boss’s head, and now with Paladin spellcasting he could even get in on the buff/debuff action. Even Yasha and Beau, the primary tanks and DPS, have some control and support abilities: Sentinel’s been crazy useful at times, Yasha can buff her entire team for a round, Beau can stun AND find out vulnerabilities to exploit in an enemy. They’re a VERY well-balanced team with some pretty solid strategies they tend to lean on. All together, the M9 are near iron-clad, but take away a member or two, or turn them on each other, and they’re much more vulnerable. 

So in looping back to my original thought about the Kevdak fight and how it would look with the M9 in place of VM. Put them at an equal level (12), accounting that VM knew what they were getting into and had time to prepare their spells, and ignoring variables like how the dice rolls are going, I feel like this is the type of fight the M9 would be kinda killer at. 

There are very few magic factors in play, mostly just melee fighters and archers. Good news for all the M9 magic users, since their enemies’ mental stats probably aren’t going to be stellar, making it easier to get save spells through. There are one or two druids that mostly served as healers, but with multiple M9 members able to counterspell, not as big a threat. The druids would probably see more combat use in this scenario, but then that splits into two alternatives: they stay in normal form, but they’re not the tankiest and don’t halve damage, so a few bolt shots from a hidden Nott would probably be enough to take them out; or they go into beast shape, making them able to take more damage but eliminating their spellcasting element. Since the fight ended when Kevdak died anyway, their staying power doesn’t matter as much. 

There are a lot of adds in play, but the M9 have a wizard available with AOE/multi-target damage spells on hand specifically made for clearing crowds. Granted, those adds are tougher than the average minions (mostly barbs), so them getting up in a party member’s face beforehand isn’t good, but the M9 all tend to have countermeasures for that (Cad can go invisible and run, Fjord and Jester can teleport, Beau and Nott can disengage, and Caleb can turn into a giant fucking ape). Of course, if Jester can get off an Incite Greed in the middle of a crowd, that takes care of a good portion of them for a while. 

Position Cad in the right place and he is set to ruin Kevdak’s day. Crit cancels, can inflict vulnerability so his barbarian resistance is null, Ray of Enfeeblement, Bane. Just make sure he doesn’t get swarmed and Caduceus is a serious drain on a boss’s effectiveness. 

Grog was VM’s only real front-liner (Vax was more of a hit-and-run artist and Keyleth wasn’t always available). The M9 has at least two in Yasha and Beau who would likely be on Kevdak. Not nearly as tanky as Grog, but action economy’s in their favor to take the heat off each other a bit. Beau has stun, and while it’s not likely to succeed, it’s always a possibility, and she is great to stack attack buffs on: haste, holy weapon, enlarge, etc. Additionally, they don’t have to stay alone if the situation calls for it: Fjord can also be a front-liner, Jester’s duplicate can cast touch spells, and if Caleb gets freed up then he can serve as Ape Tank. 

Nott/Veth just does a shit ton of damage, and it’s much easier for her to hide and get sneak attack now that she’s a halfling again. It would probably be easy to pick off the mooks, and if she combos with Cad’s path to the grave, Kevdak takes full sneak attack too. Her spells are also great for distraction, and again, a crowd of mostly barbarians probably chose to dump the mental stats. 

And those are just their typical strategies! There’s so many individual spells or tricks available to them that they’ve used before to great effect: Banishment, Antilife Shell, Cat’s Ire for grappling purposes, Slow, Summon Greater Demon, and the ever chaotic Polymorph. You never know what the M9 is going to pull out of the bag.

The Kill Box was a hell of a fight for Vox Machina, in large part because of the sheer amount of enemies, since Kevdak was paralyzed for a good chunk of the fight. If it had been just them up against Kevdak, they probably would have whittled him down super quick, but without any way to manage the large amount of minions aside from pure damage, things got tight with the action economy stacked against them. It probably would have been even MORE gnarly, if not unwinnable, without Scanlan and the essential control elements he provided. If it had been the Mighty Nein, it probably still would have been a challenge, but I don’t think nearly as much. Their plethora of options for controlling the battlefield, pulling themselves out of sticky spots, boosting their team’s abilities while reducing their enemies’, and without many opposing spellcasters to counter them, the Mighty Nein would probably be in their element in this fight.

[tigerkirby215]

5e Teemo, the Swift Scout build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Riot Games)

So funny story: Teemo was originally going to be a Death Cleric and I had this massive joke about how “Illaoi was a Cleric with no Cleric levels and Lux should’ve been a Cleric but wasn’t and then the Devil himself ends up being a Cleric” but midway through writing this build I realized that another class made a lot more sense and I had to scrap like half my work.

Even on Tumblr Teemo annoys me.

GOALS

Swiftly - Teemo is literally called “the Swift Scout.” You’ll never guess what subclass we’re going to pick.

That's gotta sting - We’re going to need to fight dirty with poisons and blinds to overpower our foes.

Got a little surprise for 'em - Your enemies should never feel safe walking into your territory, knowing that a trap could be there just waiting for them.

RACE

One may think that to be a small Swift Scout one would want to be a halfling, but there are plenty of small races in 5e to choose from. This may come as a surprise but I’m actually going to suggest playing a Deep Gnome. Your Intelligence increases by 2 and you have Gnome Cunning for advantage on Intelligence, Wisdom, and Charisma saving throws against magic.

As a Deep Gnome your Dexterity increases by 1. You have Superior Darkvision of 120 feet, and advantage on Stealth checks to hide in rocky terrain thanks to Stone Camouflage. I mean, it’s not a bush but you could probably stealth in the jungle.

ABILITY SCORES

15; DEXTERITY - You don’t get the title of “The Swift Scout” by being slow on your feet. (Excluding the fact that you have 25 movement speed.)

14; INTELLIGENCE - Knowledge of guerilla warfare would be more intelligence-based.

13; WISDOM - Teemo is a survivalist, having to spend months in the jungle with nothing but mushrooms to keep him company.

12; CONSTITUTION - Even if Teemo is squishy in-game it’s still nice to have a bit of extra bulk.

10; STRENGTH - Teemo needs to be able to carry all his equipment, which is where Strength comes in.

8; CHARISMA - FUCKING TEEMOOOOOOOOOOOO. (Memes aside feel free to make your Strength lower I’m mostly just dumping Charisma for the meme.)

BACKGROUND

As a Survivalist the Outlander background is pretty good to take. You get proficiency in Athletics, but I’m actually going to suggest swapping your Survival proficiency with Medicine for reasons that are going to be clear later. Why Medicine? I think Teemo would remember to bring some health pots. Regardless you also get proficiency in a musical instrument of your choice (Spirit Blossom Teemo has a Flute so take that) and a language of your choice. (Which of course has to be Infernal kekw. But really pick whatever you think will be useful.)

As an Outlander your Wanderer feature will help you remember the layout of the map you’ve been on for 10 years, and you can find food and water for yourself and 5 other people due to your adept survival skills. Captain Teemo on duty!

(Artwork by Riot Games)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - ROGUE 1

Starting off as a Rogue for the extra proficiencies. Take Acrobatics to swiftly run away, Stealth to... well, stealth, Deception to trick foes into walking onto your mushrooms, and Perception to gain vision with your traps. You also get Expertise in two skills: Acrobatics and Stealth will make you the master of hit-and-run.

Speaking of hit-and-run Rogues get Sneak Attack, allowing them to do an extra d6 of damage if they attack with Advantage, or if an ally is within 5 feet of the target they’re attacking. The attack has to be with a ranged weapon which is a good segway to talk about Teemo’s weapon. Blowguns do exist in 5e but they’re trash, so unless your DM is willing to give you a seriously strong blowgun I’d personally suggest just using a Light Crossbow... for now.

But if you meet any other Bandle Scouts out in the wild you can communicate with them using Thieves’ Cant, a secret code only taught to scouts and other Rogues.

LEVEL 2 - ROGUE 2

Hey it’s everyone’s favorite ability: Cunning Action! As a Bonus Action you can now Move Quick to Dash or Disengage, or use your passive to Hide. Of course Hiding with Expertise in Stealth and then popping out to shoot a poisoned “dart” (crossbow bolt) at an enemy is a good way to get a sneak attack off.

LEVEL 3 - ROGUE 3

Third level Rogues can choose their Roguish Archetype, and hey isn’t it funny that Rogues have a subclass called “Scout?” Scout Rogues are Skirmishers, allowing them to move up to half their movement speed away from an enemy if they end their turn within 5 feet of you as a reaction.

And remember how I told you to drop Survival proficiency? Scout Rogues gain free Expertise in both Survival and Nature thanks to the Survivalist skill! Now would be a good time to point out that D&D Beyond will let you change the proficiency in your background if you get it past level 1. Also your Sneak Attack increases to 2d6.

LEVEL 4 - ROGUE 4

4th level is our first Ability Score Improvement: for some Guerrilla Warfare take the Skulker feat to hide more easily in bushes, not reveal yourself when you attack, and see better while hiding in the brush.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 5 - WIZARD 1

Hey look everyone it’s my favorite class, because Teemo perpetually frustrates me! If you can’t tell this was going to be Cleric levels and I’m writing this immediately after scrapping like half my build so... a little annoyed. Yay.

Anyways Wizards at level one get Spellcasting: you get a Spellbook where you can write down 3 cantrips and four 1st level spells. Your cantrips are always ready but you can prepare a number of spells equal to your Wizard level plus your Intelligence modifier. Seeing as your INT mod is 3 that means you can prepare all the spells I list! (At least for level 1)

CANTRIPS

For a ranged source of poison damage take Infestation to both poison and confuse your foes to make it harder for them to approach you.

For a melee source of poison damage take Poison Spray for a lot of damage! What do you mean Poison damage is commonly resisted? I don’t know what you’re talking about.

To strategize with your team Message will let you keep quiet while preparing to ambush!

SPELLS

Snare is a trap spell that will let set up a trap. Not a mushroom trap, but a snare trap.

If you want to use your traps for information however Alarm will let you ward an area so you know if someone passes through it. Or you can make the alarm loud so everyone knows!

For some poisoned darts Ray of Sickness lets you do... exactly that. Shoot posioned darts to poison your foes.

Finally to Move Quick take Longstrider, which increases your movement speed by 10.

You also get access to Arcane Recovery, allowing you to recover Spell Slots on a Short Rest equal to half your Wizard level rounded up (with some finer details please read the description of the ability that I’m too lazy to describe.) Teemo has a lot of supplies to survive in the wilderness, so it’s not surprising he packed more darts.

LEVEL 6 - WIZARD 2

Second level Wizards can choose their Arcane Tradition and I’m actually going to suggest a bit of a wild card here: go for the Bladesinging subclass. Yes it’s meant for Elves only but I have never met a single DM who enforced that rule.

Regardless as a Bladesinger you have Training in War and Song for Performance proficiency, Light Armor proficiency (which you already have), and proficiency in one type of one-handed melee weapon. (Scimitars are the only Finesse weapon you don’t have proficiency in as a Rogue so that’s basically your only option.)

But the main feature of the Bladesinger is of course their Bladesong. You can activate your Bladesong as a bonus action for 1 minute. During Bladesong your AC increases equal to your Intelligence modifier, your walking speed increases by 10 feet, you have advantage on Acrobatics checks, and you get a bonus to Concentration checks equal to your Intelligence modifier.

“But Teemo doesn’t use a sword!” I hear you say. Well Bladesong ends if you use two hands to make an attack but you know what doesn’t take two hands to shoot? Well for one Blowguns, but since Blowguns in 5e suck: Hand crossbows! Get a Hand Crossbow to supplement a blowgun, and boom you’re still a ranged character! Yeah much to my surprise Bladesinger doesn’t have any restriction on using ranged weapons: you just can’t use two hands to make an attack. Regardless you have two uses of Bladesong per short or long rest.

You can also add two more first level spells to your spellbook like Detect Magic and Identify to help you know what you find in the wild.

LEVEL 7 - WIZARD 3

Third level Wizards can learn second level spells like Blindness / Deafness for a blinding dart, and Invisibility for more Guerrilla Warfare.

LEVEL 8 - WIZARD 4

4th level Wizards get another Ability Score Improvement but you know what we don’t have enough of? Feats! Take the Crossbow Expert feat to ignore the loading property on crossbows, ignore melee range disadvantage with crossbows, and attack with a hand crossbow with your bonus action after making the attack action. Stinger attack speed’s gotta sting!

Additionally you can learn another two spells at this level along with a new cantrip! For your leveled spells grab Misty Step for Flash and Enlarge / Reduce, because size doesn’t mean everything. For your cantrip Mending will help you keep your scout equipment in check.

LEVEL 9 - WIZARD 5

At level 5 you can learn 3rd level spells. You know what we haven’t gotten yet? Mushrooms. For a very expensive trap Glyph of Warding will let you put down a near-invisible glyph in an area for a mere 200 gold and 1 hour of set-up time. You decide what triggers the glyph, be it something complicated or something simple like an enemy walking near it.

When the spell activates you can choose one of two effects: the simple solution is just to make it explode for 5d8 acid, cold, fire, lightning, or thunder damage. Alternatively you could store a spell of third level or lower into it, and have it target whoever activates the glyph or the area around them. I’d highly suggest reading Glyph of Warding over in full before using the spell. It’s a powerful spell but it’s costly and requires a lot of set up time.

But you know what’s a simple spell? Fireball. Weaponize your shrooms for a big explosion of damage.

LEVEL 10 - WIZARD 6

6th level Bladesingers get an Extra Attack! Yup: that’s it! Because you’re a fake Fighter. But yeah this is primarily why we took Crossbow Expert, so you can still attack twice with a crossbow.

Well, you can also add another two spells to your spellbook. To move incredibly Swiftly take Haste. Other than that you can truly grab whatever spell you want as there isn’t much else that’s truly “in character” for such a simple character as Teemo. My out-of-character suggestion is to take Mirror Image from second level for a great boost to survivability. The only thing more annoying than one Teemo is three Teemos.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 11 - ROGUE 5

Back to our swift scouting ways 5th level Rogues get Uncanny Dodge, letting them use their reaction to reduce the damage of an attack by half. Your Sneak Attack damage also increases to 3d6.

LEVEL 12 - ROGUE 6

6th level Rogues get Expertise in two more skills: Perception will let you make good use of your wards, and Deception will let you make good use of your mushrooms.

LEVEL 13 - ROGUE 7

Isn’t Teemo really annoying and hard to kill? Well with Evasion he’ll be even harder to kill since he’ll take no damage on a successful Dexterity saving throw and only half damage if he fails. And your Sneak Attack increases to 4d6 too?!

LEVEL 14 - ROGUE 8

8th level Rogues get another Ability Score Improvement and you know: I don’t think we have enough Feats. Fade Away is a Gnome-specific feat that will let you get use out of your passive by turning invisible when you get hit as a reaction. You remain invisible until the end of your next turn or until you attack, deal damage, or force someone to make a saving throw. You can use this reaction once per short or long rest and it uses the same reaction as Uncanny Dodge, so use it wisely!

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 15 - ROGUE 9

At 9th level your Scout training gives you Superior Mobility for 10 extra feet of movement speed. "Hut, two, three, four!" Your Sneak Attack damage also increases to 5d6.

LEVEL 16 - ROGUE 10

10th level Rogues get another Ability Score Improvement to help compensate for all the feats. Increase your Dexterity and Wisdom by 1 for even Ability Scores.

LEVEL 17 - ROGUE 11

11th level Rogues get Reliable Talent so any roll with a skill you’re proficient in can’t be below a 10. If you roll a 9 or lower it counts as a 10. Whenever I get this ability I like to do a tally of all the skills you have and what the lowest potential roll is, so...

26 in Acrobatics (with Advantage if in Bladesong)

26 in Stealth (with Advantage to hide in rocky areas)

25 in Nature

24 in Perception or Survival

22 in Deception

18 in Medicine

16 in Athletics

15 in Performance

And to top it off your Sneak Attack damage increases to 6d6.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

LEVEL 18 - ROGUE 12

12th level Rogues get another Ability Score Improvement and as much as I want to take more Feats (believe me I do) let’s finally cap off that Dexterity score for the deadliest darts.

If you aren’t playing with Standard Array and want some more Feats here’s a few I could suggest:

Poisoner (Yeah duh)

Svirfneblin Magic (More blinds, among other things)

Alert (To always be ready for a fight)

Observant (A half feat to spot any incoming danger)

Tough (Just because you aren’t a tank doesn’t mean that Grasp of the Undying is a bad rune)

LEVEL 19 - ROGUE 13

With 13 levels in Scout you are an Ambush Master. You have advantage on initiative checks, and in addition the first creature you hit during the first round of a combat becomes easier to hit. Attack rolls against that target have advantage until the start of your next turn, because it’s pretty hard to defend yourself when blinded. "Smell that? That's fear." Your Sneak Attack also increases to 7d6.

LEVEL 20 - ROGUE 14

Your final level is the 14th level of Rogue for a 10 foot Blindsense, allowing you to sense any hidden or invisible creature near you. Clearly they only have camouflage.

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Turns out I got a proficiency in killing - Up to three attacks per turn with a +11 to hit means it’s more than likely you’ll hit your 7d6 Sneak Attack. Not to mention the strength of Wizard spells, notably Fireball.

Wars are won with men, not machines - Rogues are skill monkies and it turns out you’re quite the asset outside of combat. Expertise in 6 skills, notably the ones to keep alive in the wilderness. And of course the ability to cast Ritual spells like Detect Magic and Identitfy.

Never underestimate the power of the Scout's code - So Teemo’s pretty annoying right? Well I didn’t realize he’d be so damn elusive! +11 to Dexterity saves with Evasion, 35 feet of movement, Advantage on all mental saves, insanely good stealth skills, reactions to get away from danger... And this isn’t even mentioning the benefits from being a Wizard! Bladesong lets you increase your AC by 3 (up to 20 if you’re wearing Studded Leather!) and increase your movement speed to 45... Oh and you can just turn invisible! As well as blind the enemy and speed yourself up.

CONS

Size is a liability - A few feats too many means not enough ability scores, yet somehow we don’t have enough feats for things like Poisoner. Perhaps reserve this build for when you can use Point Buy. Or at least ditch Skulker because you really don’t need it when you can, ya know... turn invisible?

You'd be surprised how quick fur ignites - Of course the lack of Ability Scores means that your Wizard DC isn’t fantastic. Granted most of your spells are utility but a lot of them require saves, and a lot more of them are rather weak. Poison damage is one of the worst damage types in the game and both your cantrips are poison, not to mention Ray of Sickness. Feel free to grab other spells as you see fit.

Lots to do before I punch out - Teemo is squishy in League and Wizard levels don’t help in D&D. Even with the +1 to CON you’ll likely have a little over 100 health by level 20, which easily puts you in Power Word Kill range. You’re elusive yes but a bit of bad luck and you’ll be six feet under.

But you’re not meant to be the strongest: you’re meant to be annoying. Hit-and-run, hide in the shadows, and whittle the enemy down before you win the war of attrition. You’re in it for the long-con, and not just the end game. You’re engaging in psychological warfare: tearing at your opponent’s mental state until nothing remains. You are a master of anger and temptation. You are a demon; a devil... Or you might just be a hamster with a blow gun.

(Artwork by Riot Games)

[carlycchapman24]

The Adventures of Celine Markus-Chapter 2

Celine woke up the next day, weirdly feeling stronger than the day before, but she shrugged it off, “Guess that’s what a good night’s rest feels like,” she said to herself and forced herself to climb out of bed. She finally got a chance to look around and see what her room was like, there was a tall, mahogany bookcase by her bedroom door and a plush, dark red chair next to it, with a small table on the opposite side of the chair. Her bed was a simple four-poster bed, but the covers were a purple and red pattern that reminded her of a mandala. Against the left wall, there was what looked like an early iteration of a vanity, which surprised her. There were also windows on either side of the bed with what looked like red silk curtains. She opened them and was greeted with a view of the sunrise over the docks. She smiled and pulled out her phone from her bag, mentally begging that it still works and isn’t dead. Thankfully it was still working, for the most part, and she took a picture of the sunrise. Finally, she decided to change out of her now wrinkled dress from home and into the clothes Captain Iseut gave her. The shirt was a little uncomfortable, since it was made of leather, but everything else seemed fine. After fixing her hair in the mirror on her vanity, she headed down to the main dining area, keeping the bookcase in mind, planning to browse it later. “Hey Mr Longfoot,” she greeted the Innkeeper. “Morning Miss Markus, what can I get you this fine morning?” The Halfling asked cheerfully. “Just some eggs and toast. Do you have coffee?” Celine responded, not expecting much just based on how primitive technology was here if they were so impressed by her phone yesterday. “Sure thing, one gold please,” Mr Longfoot answered. “Not a problem, is Singer Boy still sleeping?” Celine asked. Mr Longfoot laughs, “Is that what you’re calling him now? You know his name.” “Singer boy is fitting though, isn’t it?” Celine answers with a laugh. “You’re not wrong, I think he’s coming down now actually.” The Innkeeper answers and Celine turns around to see that he’s telling the truth. Stumbling down the stairs, his hair messy and still in his pajamas, is Arlech. Celine rolls her eyes and looks to Mr Longfoot who’s bringing out her coffee and breakfast, “Does he always do that? He acts like he owns the place.” “He just makes himself at home wherever he goes, I don’t know if he even has a home to go back to or if he’s always just traveling. If you two do end up traveling together, you’re going to have to get used to that.” “Oh yeah, that’ll go well,” Celine says sarcastically and begins eating.

Arlech plops down next to Celine at the bar and says, “Morning, already dressed and ready to go I see.” “And I see that you aren’t.” Celine responds sarcastically. “I see someone has come out of her shell a bit, considering you got here less than 24 hours ago.” Arlech says with a laugh. He motions Mr Longfoot over, “This morning’s special, if you’d be so kind, good sir.” “On it,” the Halfling answers and then calls out, “Edrich, morning special for Arlech if you would.” Behind the bar, Edrich sighs, sets the book he was reading down, and says begrudgingly, “On it sir.” As Edrich goes into the back, a group of people barge into the Inn and a sleazy, slimy sounding voice calls, “Where can an honest group of sailors get something to drink?” Celine cringed at the sound of the voice and as she looked over the motley crew, she immediately felt like they were sketchy. She tries to sneakily pull out her spellbook, planning to cast a spell called ‘Mage Armor’ on herself, just in case. Unfortunately to no avail, as a human-looking creature with long ears and dirty blonde hair notices and says, walking over, “And what do you think you’re doing, eh? You’re not gonna pull some fancy shit are ya?” Arlech, noticing the uncomfortable look on Celine’s face and the woman walking towards them, tries to secretly pull his dagger out in case things go bad. The blonde woman speaks, catching Arlech as well, “Now, now, no need for such violence, we’re merely just here for a drink.” “And why should we believe you?” Celine answers with venom in her voice, “You barge in here, demanding to have a drink, and don’t try and say you ‘asked,’ I could tell just by the voice of your buddy over there that you all would have taken something whether we wanted you to or not, and then act like you aren’t sketchy as hell and weren’t planning on fighting.” “What in the Nine Hells do you think you’re doing Celine, they’re pirates, they could tear you in half!” Arlech whispers. The dirty blonde looked on in surprise at the bright red head’s audacity at first and then burst out laughing, “Either you’re stupid or you have a death wish, girl. You don’t want to fuck with Captain Barks’ Crew and you most certainly don’t want to fuck with me.” “Try me,” Celine said darkly. “Gladly,” answers the woman, pulling out her pistol. She takes a shot at Celine and Celine falls down immediately, but forces herself back up and says with a smile, “A gun huh? That’s not quite fair, now is it, Blondie?” The woman blows the smoke away from her pistol and smirks, “Who said I fight fair?” “Good point,” Celine answers and fires off a spell called ‘Fire Bolt,’ only to still be unable to control her magic and hit the wall, causing the blonde woman to laugh. “I have to help her out, she’s going to get herself killed like an idiot.” Arlech says to Mr Longfoot, who answers, “No, no, let her learn a lesson here. She needs to learn how to pick her battles wisely.” Arlech sighed, “Fine.” After laughing, the blonde begins to walk off and say, “You’re not worth it, you don’t put up enough of a fight for me, you’re too weak.” This pissed Celine off and she growled, firing off a new spell she prepared that morning called ‘Magic Missile,’ two of which hit the woman while one broke the front window. Shocked, the blonde woman turned back around and said, “Maybe you’re worth it after all,” and pulled a giant sword off of her back. “Oh good, you’re learning.” Celine answered. The woman grins and charges at Celine, taking a swing at her with the sword, knocking Celine clean off of her feet, as her lifeless body falls to the ground. The blonde woman stashes the sword back into its sheath and grins, “Well, looks like I win. Now, about those drinks?” “Of course ma’am,” Mr Longfoot said, setting the crew at a table and bringing them all ale. Arlech sighed in annoyance and went over to Celine on the floor, whispering, “What an idiot,” before healing her. Celine sat up with a start, “Where is that blonde bitch, let me at her! I’m not finished with her!” “Yes, you are. Now how about you, oh, I don’t know, go be

a good little girl and stay doing, whatever it is you were doing.” The blonde calls across the way, causing her Captain and crew to burst into laughter. “Why you little-'' Celine starts and tries to run over to their table, only to be stopped by Arlech. “Hey, hey,” he said, “no, you already almost got killed once today.” “Listen to your little boyfriend, he’s the smarter one of you two.” The woman says, taking a drink of her ale. “He’s not-'' Celine starts, but is cut off by the woman, “Whatever you say.” Celine growls at the woman and shoves past Arlech, storming up to her room.

As Celine gets up into her room, she browses through the bookcase by her door to try and see if she can find a book to read. She pulls out a book titled, ‘Spells Every Beginner Wizard Should Know’ and begins reading. She writes down a couple of spells in her spellbook that sound interesting to her, one called ‘Burning Hands’ and another called ‘Ray of Sickness,’ and grins, “Perfect” she says to herself, then decides to take a nap. A few hours later, she wakes up and hears a knock on her door, “What do you want?” she asks. “It’s Arlech, may I come in?” Comes the Tiefling’s voice. “Go away, Singer Boy, I don’t want to talk to you,” Celine responds. “Oh, is that what you’re calling me now?” he says with a laugh and continues, “What if I told you I had food?” Celine’s stomach growled and it finally dawned on her how hungry she was, since she didn’t get to finish her breakfast because she just had to pick a fight with someone. She felt ashamed of herself and sighed, “Fine, come in.” The Tiefling walks in with a massive plate of food consisting of roast beef, vegetables, and mashed potatoes with gravy. The smell filled her nostrils and her stomach growled even louder. Arlech laughs, “Hungry are we?” “Guess so,” she looks at her phone and sees that it’s 1:45 pm, “Oh shit, I didn’t realize how long I had napped. Did those assholes leave?” “Unfortunately, no, they got rooms here. Apparently, their ship needs to be repaired and it’ll take a few days to fix it.” He says, setting the plate on the table by the chair. “Oh lovely,” Celine answered sarcastically. “Yeah, well, that’s life,” he sighs, then pauses for a moment, “I hope you know that what you did was stupid and reckless.” Celine puts her head in her hands and says, “Yeah, yeah, I already feel like a dumbass, no need to rub it in.” “What’s a dumbass?” Arlech asks, tilting his head. “Dammit, I need to get used to this new place,” she says to herself, then says to Arlech, “it means idiot pretty much. It’s just a more vulgar way of saying it.” “I see, well then yes, you were a dumbass. Did I use it right?” The man questions, “Yes, yes, now can we drop it? I learned my lesson, don’t go picking fights with random people here, I might get killed.” She replied with a frustrated tone. “Sorry, do you want me to leave so you can eat?” Arlech asks. Celine thinks for a moment and walks over to grab her plate, when she turns around she says, “You know what? No. Because if it’s true that you’re as well traveled as you and Mr Longfoot claim you are, since clearly, I need to learn more about this place, then who better to tell me about this place than you?” “I can tell you about more than that,” he says, winking, and Celine smacks him on the back of the head, “Stop it,” she says and then invites him to sit on the floor with her. “You’re no fun,” he says jokingly and sits in front of her. “Am I ‘no fun’ or are you just creepy?” She replies snarkily. “Touché,” he replies and then he begins to tell her what all he knows about Adamantia.

Several hours and another meal later, Arlech finishes telling Celine everything he knows, and she leans back against her bed to take it all in. “Well, alrighty then.” She says, still not fully able to process what she just heard. “It’s quite a lot, yes. Anyway, I’ll take these plates down and get ready for tonight’s show, are you going to watch or are you going to sit up here and let it all sink in?” Arlech asks, picking up the plates. “The latter I think, enjoy your show, you seem to like performing. Have a fun night.” Celine responds. “Well, if you insist, sleep well.” Answers the Tiefling with a smile, and then he heads downstairs. Celine gets up off of the floor, stretches, and then realizes that she hasn’t cleaned herself up in a few days. She heads downstairs and sits at the bar, motioning Mr Longfoot to come over, “Yes, what is it?” He asks. “Is there any place I can clean myself up a bit? I just realized how long it’s been since I washed up.” “There’s a hot spring out the back if you’d like to go there. There’s also a bathhouse two doors down if you want to get out of here for a bit, but you’ll miss Arlech’s show. It’s different every night.” He explains. “I already told him that I probably wouldn’t want to watch tonight. There’s a lot I have to process since he told me about this world and I’d like to have time to myself to do that.” She explains. “Well, all right then, enjoy your night Miss Markus. Maybe you can go check out the Solarstriders tomorrow or check the post-board to see if some of the other people around here need help.” The Halfling replies with a smile. “I plan on it, have a good night and enjoy the show, sir.” She responds and heads out.

When she gets to the bathhouse, she walks up to the person at the desk, a creature that was super small, but still some type of humanoid. The figure was a female with brown hair in a style that reminded her of Tracy Turnblad from ‘Hairspray,’ and she was reading some sort of book. She hesitantly tapped on the counter and the figure looked up, “Hello dear, how may I help you?” “Um, don’t take this the wrong way, I’m not from around here and people like you don’t really live where I come from, but what are you?” She asked, cringing at her own words. “I’m what’s called a Gnome, dear, and don’t worry, Gnomes aren’t the most common in these parts either. My name is Medda Fibavam, and you?” The Gnome asked. “Celine Markus, nice to meet you,” she says and pauses for a moment, “May I use your facilities?” “Of course, that will be two silver.” Medda answers. “I only have gold, is that okay?” Celine responds. “Gold is always welcome, dear. Now, you’ll head through this hallway and go on the side that says ‘Girls,’ all right?” Answers the woman, who hands her a towel, a key and a lock, and gives her 8 silver back. “Yes, thank you, ma’am, I appreciate it,” Celine responds, then rushes into the hall. “No running!” Comes the woman’s voice, who then says to herself, “Foreigners, Pelor help me!” Upon entering the ‘Girls’ side, Celine sees a room with closets against the walls, all open, “I guess no one’s here, good,” she says and stashes her Bag of Holding, her dagger, and her spellbook in one and locks it. Then she undresses and heads out the doors on the opposite side of the room, she unwraps the towel, and a cold sensation runs down her entire body in the evening air. She shivers, folds her clothes, and carefully dips a toe in the water, then quickly takes it out, “Jesus fuck that’s hot,” she swears, then she takes a deep breath and then fully steps in, both cringing and enjoying the heat from the bath. She took the time to think about everything that happened in the last twenty-four hours and what Arlech had told her this evening, after a moment she began to cry, realizing how truly far from home she was at this moment in time. She had her phone, yes, but what good is a phone when you can’t call or text a loved one and let them know what’s going on and that you’re safe. “My parents must be worried sick,” she sobs. Just then, a voice she recognizes enters her mind, “A little homesick I see? I know of a spell, but I don’t think you can learn it yet,” it was the Royal Wizard Maverick. Celine’s sadness becomes anger as she hears his voice, “You, you bastard, you did this, you brought me here! Where are you? I’ll kill you with my bare hands!” “I’m nowhere near you dear, and believe me, you wouldn’t be able to kill me even if you tried.” The old man responds with a chuckle. “Then burn in one of the Nine Hells,” Celine answers, an icy tone to her voice. “Ah, you’ve been learning, good, you’ll need that information. Though I don’t suppose someone as weak and unskilled as you will go there anytime soon,” He says snidely. A look of horror appears on her face, and when she doesn’t answer, Maverick says, “Oh yes, I saw that pathetic little fight of yours with that pirate, from a distance of course.” “How?” Celine asks and then immediately regrets it when he answers, “That spell I spoke of? I can use that to find you with ease,” a moment of silence and then, “When I said I’d keep an eye on you, I meant it, quite literally.” Celine shuddered in disgust but didn’t answer the man. She waited a moment, just in case she heard his voice again, and when nothing happened she sighed in relief and finished her bath and headed back to The Clydesdale Inn, needing to be let back in by Mr Longfoot, who had closed up after the performance, and headed to bed for an unsettled rest.

The next morning, Celine woke up early but stayed in bed until a knock was heard on her door. “Hello, Celine, are you all right?” Comes Arlech’s voice. “Go away,” Celine says, pulling the blanket over her head. “Oh, okay, I can’t walk downstairs in my pajamas, but you can stay in yours all day.” Arlech answers sarcastically. “Yep,” Celine answers, pulling the blankets even tighter in towards her body. She hears a sigh and feet storming off, thinking she was fine, she began sobbing like the night before. She cried herself to sleep and was woken up by another knock that came from the door, “Miss Markus, Miss Markus?” came the voice, Mr Longfoot. Celine forced herself to climb out of bed, lazily pulling her pants on, but not bothering to put a shirt on over her bra. She approached the door and tore it open, “Yes?” She said through gritted teeth, ignoring the look of shock and mild fear on Mr Longfoot’s face. “You know what, never mind, sorry to bother you, I didn’t realize-“ He said, averting his eyes. Celine sighed, “Did Arlech put you up to this?” “Y-Yes,” The Halfling said, flushing in embarrassment at seeing her without her shirt. “If he wants to bother me again, tell him to come up here himself,” Celine responded in frustration. “Right, yes, sorry to bother you, again.” Mr Longfoot answered and ran off. Celine slammed the door shut and plopped onto the chair next to her bookcase, rubbing her eyes and face in irritation. Moments later, Arlech swings the door open to see Celine sitting in the chair, his face becoming a darker red when he realizes she has no shirt on, “First of all, it’s late afternoon, you’ve been in here half the day. Second of all, do people, where you’re from, often, sit around without their shirts on?” Celine laughed bitterly, “You have no idea. Some walk around their homes completely naked, the amount of times I’ve glanced through the windows and seen a neighbor’s naked body is ridiculous.” “I don’t believe you, and not that I’m complaining, but can you put one on please?” He said, tearing his eyes away from the redhead. “Fine, don’t believe me, but what if I don’t want to put a shirt on? The important parts are covered, unless shoulders, collar bones, and stomachs distract you too much.” She answered sharply. Arlech sighed, “Please?” Celine grumbled, “Fine,” and roughly threw the shirt on from the Captain, “There, happy?” “Much better.” Arlech said with a sigh of relief. “Now, what do you want?” Celine said, crossing her arms. “We were going to check the post-board today, were we not?” The man said, raising an eyebrow. Her face went from angry to realization, “Oh shit, I forgot. I’m sorry!” “Did you have a rough night?” Arlech asks gently. “I don’t want to talk about it, come on, let’s go,” Celine says quickly, rushing to get her shoes on and grab her bag and spellbook. As she tries to walk out of the room, he stops her, “Hold on, no, what happened?” “I said, I don’t want to talk about it!” She answers back harshly. “All right, all right, have it your way.” He says, stepping aside to let her walk out. The two head to the post-board and as they get there, the Elf Pirate shows up at the exact same time, “And what do you two think you’re doing here?” Celine clenches her jaw, “We were looking for some jobs to take.” “You?” the Elf scoffs, “You couldn’t beat me in a bar fight and you think you can fight anything more than a simple spider? Gods have mercy.” “You’re a cunt, you know that, right?” Celine says, trying to hold in her anger. “And you don’t know what respect is,” The Elf shot back. “Why should I respect you?! You’re a fucking pirate, and pirates certainly don’t know what respect is!” Celine shouted. “I’m not saying you should respect pirates, I’m saying you should respect your superiors, and as I’m superior to you when it comes to fighting, well.” She said, glancing at her nails. “Will you two knock it off?!” Arlech shouted, which surprised both women, “There’s only one way to solve this, and that’s all three of us going to the Solarstriders and joining them, together,” the two women started

arguing with him and he said, “Now,” “Absolutely not, I’d rather die than work with this cunt!” Celine shouted and at the same time the Elf says, “As if I’d work with this weakling!” “Fine, if there’s no convincing you two,” Arlech says, “I’ll just drag you there.” He just barely manages to get ahold of Celine, but the Elf is too quick and gets out of the way, saying, “No way in the Nine Hells am I going with you and Weakling here. I’d rather go get a drink.” This gives Arlech an idea, “If you go with us, I’ll buy drinks for you and your entire crew if we get in.” The Elf smirks, “Now that sounds like a good deal, definitely enough to repay me for dealing with Weakling over there.” Celine sighed, “I have a name you know.” Arlech snickers, “Now that sounds familiar.” “Shut up.” Celine responds and she begrudgingly walks to the Guild with the other two.

They finally arrive, and when they walk in, they’re greeted by what was, in Celine’s opinion, the ugliest creature she had ever seen. It was a woman with long blackish-green hair, greenish-brown skin, and giant lower teeth that reminded her of tusks on an elephant, the woman spoke, “May I help you?” her voice was raspy and low and she glared over at the three of them. “Hello gorgeous,” Arlech said, “what’s your name?” The woman rolled her eyes, “You’re not the first one to try that, Half-Devil, now what is it you want?” Arlech backed up and rubbed the back of his neck, embarrassed, “We were just wondering if we could join the Solarstriders.” “You lot?” She laughed, “Give me a break. Do you think we just accept people with no consideration for their talents, or lack thereof? You three don’t even look like you can take on a regular old Gnoll, let alone the type of creatures we usually fight.” “Please?” Arlech begged. “No.” The woman said and started to turn away when the Elf shot her gun in the air, leaving a bullet hole in the roof, and then she pointed it to the woman at the desk, “You’ll let us apply or we’ll destroy your precious Guild building,” The woman got up in the Elf’s face and said, “The only thing you’ll ‘destroy’ is yourselves if you do not leave this establishment right this instant after the damage you just caused.” “Ma’am, please,” Celine said, “if you let us pay for the damage by working, we’ll leave you for good.” “Get. Out. Now.” The woman said, shoving them out the door when a tall man with black hair in a buzz cut and with olive skin stepped out of a door at the back, “Mistress, what’s going on?” “Go back to the barracks Sidqiel, it’s none of your concern. You may be a Guild member, but you’re not the leader, and how I handle trespassers is none of your business.” He looks over the trio, “Were they trying to join the Guild?” “No, not at all, they-“ but the Mistress was cut off by Arlech, “Yes, yes we were, and your leader here treated us with disrespect and wouldn’t give us a chance.” Sidqiel was skeptical, but asked the Mistress, “Mistress Bula, is this true?” The woman sighed in frustration, “Yes, but they-“ but she was cut off by the younger man, “Mistress, if they were trying to join, let them. I’ll oversee their trial myself.” “No, they burst in here and didn’t even make an appointment, now please go train or something while I deal with these hooligans.” The Mistress said sternly. “Please?” Sidqiel tried again. The woman rubbed her eyes, “Fine, but they only get one chance, if they fail, they must leave the Solarstriders and never return or ask again, “Do you understand?!” she says to the trio and all three nod. “Good, now, let me see if I can find something,” she says and pulls out a large wooden chest, digging through it. “Hmm, nothin’ too fancy today, but a fishing village outside of Crisherton is dealing with Gnoll raids on the daily and there’s not a fighter among the villagers, so more and more villagers have been getting kidnapped or killed. They need someone to fight them off and bring a pelt back as proof of getting rid of them.” Never having heard of ‘Gnolls’ before, Celine whispered to Arlech, “What the actual fuck is a Gnoll?” “You’ll find out,” the Tiefling responded, making Celine instantly shut up and turn back to the woman. “You lot up for it?” The woman asked the trio, who all said yes. “Good, Sidqiel will join you on this, if you fail, you leave and never come again. You succeed, we’ll consider the damage from Miss trigger-happy over here paid for and you can join the Guild. The reward is entirely up to the chief of the village, now be on your way.”

They walk out, joined by Sidqiel, who says, “I apologize for the Mistress, she’s a bit, intense, but you don’t become a guild leader by being nice I suppose.” “So, you’re telling us she’s always like that?” Celine asks Sidqiel. “Yes, unfortunately. Now, before we head to the fishing village, we should stop and buy a few necessities.” The man said, it was then, now that she was closer to him, that Celine noticed he had heterochromia, but an interesting form of it she’d never seen. One eye was green, which was normal enough, but the other was a bronze color and metallic just like the metal. She tilted her head and Sidqiel laughed, “I see you’ve noticed my eyes. Quite interesting, are they not?” he smiles, but his smile doesn’t reach his eyes, Celine notices. “Yeah, I guess.” She says, starting to feel uncomfortable. “Anyway,” he says, facing forward, “let’s go get the items and rid this village of these Gnolls, I’m sure the Chief of the Village will award us handsomely.” The Quartet made their way down the cobblestone street to wherever Sidqiel was leading them, the silence amongst them only being broken by the Elf, “So where are we going? Where are we buying items and what’s the name of this fishing village? Or do you just expect us to trust you?” Arlech whispers to Celine, “Well that sounds familiar,” and they both laugh. “What’s so funny?” Snaps the Elf. Celine clears her throat, “Nothing, nothing at all.” “Enough,” comes Sidqiel’s voice, “If you need to know so badly, we’re going to a shop called The Glass Key, which has many magical items you all may need. As for the village, it’s called Tortoise Landing because Tortoises lay their eggs on the beach every year and return to the rainforest until their eggs hatch. Is that enough information for you?” “Yes, much appreciated,” the Elven woman’s voice says back sarcastically. They finally make it to The Glass Key and the four walk in, a Shopkeep that kind of reminded Celine of the dragons from Game of Thrones was at the front desk and greeted Sidqiel warmly, “Ah, Sidqiel! What can I do for my favorite customer today?” “Hello Myuustik, how are you doing today? I have some new recruits for the Solarstriders here, we’re off to fight Gnolls for their trial.” Sidqiel responded. The dragon looking creature looked behind Sidqiel, “Oh hello there! What are your names?” Before Celine could answer, the Elf says, “Our names are our business and no one else’s, now get us what we need.” “This one is quite sharp-tongued I see, she could almost compete with Mistress Bula with that attitude,” Myuustik said. “Yes, that attitude almost got them a restraining order from the Mistress herself after their, shall we say, abrupt entrance. Anyway, I believe we’ll be buying eight regular healing potions and some camping gear for their trial. Put it on the Solarstriders’ account please.” “Coming right up Sidqiel! Good luck to you all.” Myuustik said with a grin and went to the back of the shop. When he returned, he said, “Alright, so, two healing potions each for the four of you, four bedrolls, four traveler’s clothes, rations for five days, and two, two-person tents. Four-hundred and eighteen gold and five silver in total, on the Solarstriders’ account. I hope the Mistress can pay for it all.” “I’m sure she can, and if not, we’re likely to get paid more than enough to pay it back after the contract is done,” Sidqiel responds and off they all go.

As they approach the wall to leave, they’re stopped by guards, “Halt, what is your business outside of the city?” “This lot are new recruits for the Solarstriders, so if I were you, I’d let us through or Mistress Bula will be very upset that we didn’t complete the contract,” Sidqiel answers. “Show us proof or we’ll not let you out.” One of the guards said gruffly. Sidqiel pulls out the contract from his pocket and shows the guards, “Now may we leave?” The guards backed off, “Yes, you may, but be careful, bandits have been seen on the roads lately, and we don’t usually see them this close to the city, so something must be driving them from their hideouts.” “Duly noted, we’ll keep an eye out, right folks?” Sidqiel says, glancing at the trio behind him, all of which say, “Yes sir.” “See, already some sort of discipline. Have a good day my good sirs.” Sidqiel said cheerfully and the quartet walked out of the city. After walking a good five hours, the sun began to set and their stomachs all growled. “I say this is a good place to rest for the night, but keep off of the road. We’ll camp in the underbrush over there,” Sidqiel said, pointing out several trees and bushes off to the right of the group. “Do you really think it’s a good idea to stop?” The Elf said, rolling her eyes, “Why not keep walking as much as we can and then rest for the night?” “You heard what those guards said, right? The roads aren’t safe at night and there are bandits around here.” Celine said, annoyed that this girl in front of her had even thought of such things. The Elven woman sighed in annoyance, “Fine, whatever, I just thought we’d get this done quicker, but what do I know?” Sidqiel and Arlech sighed in relief about not having to interfere with the women fighting and Sidqiel said, “All right, we have two tents that can fit two people in them, I say we the guys in one tent and the girls in the other.” This caused a fight to break out, “You expect me to sleep with her?! Have you lost your mind?! We’d kill each other!” Celine shouted. “More like I would kill you, little miss weakling!” The Elf shouted back. Sidqiel rubbed his temples and shouted, “Enough! This trial is about learning to work together as a group because if you can’t work with a group, you cannot join the Solarstriders. Every contract requires a group to go because they tend to handle things far worse than bandits and Gnolls that can’t be taken on alone, like dragons for example, and I’m not talking Dragonborns like Myuustik, I mean large, vicious Dragons like Elder Dragons for example. Now, you two will sleep in the same tent or you can leave right now and never bother the Solarstriders again.” The two women begrudgingly agreed and Arlech handed them a tent. Once the camp was set up, Sidqiel pulled out dry meats and bread for everyone. “We have rations for five days,” he said, “I doubt we’ll need all of them as it’s a two day walk to Tortoise Landing and a two day walk back to Crisherton. Eat up, you’ll need your strength.” Celine hesitantly ate the food, wishing she was back in her world and could order Chinese takeout and watch trash TV instead. At that moment, she felt like something was trying to get into her mind, but as she tried to push it away, it failed, and suddenly she felt very watched by eyes that she could not see. Her facial expression changes without her realizing it, which prompts Arlech to ask, “Hey, are you all right? You look awfully uncomfortable.” Not wanting sympathy or to worry anyone, Celine says, “Maybe it’s because I’m with a person I don’t know, a person I hate, and a person who shamelessly flirts with anything with a pulse, if I can even call half of you people.” Knowing the flirting comment is about himself, Arlech says, “Hey, that’s hurtful.” “Good, I hope so. I’m gonna go for a walk, don’t bother me,” she starts. “I don’t think that’s such a good-“ the Tiefling says and Celine shoots back, “I said, don’t bother me,” and storms off. Sidqiel looks around awkwardly, “Is she always like that?” “Yes,” The Elf and Tiefling say simultaneously. “Right, well, I’ll

take the first watch, which of you will join me?” Sidqiel asks. “I will,” The Elven Pirate responds in a bored tone. “Okay, and you, Tiefling, what’s your name?” Sidqiel asks. “Arlech.” The Merlot haired man answers. “Arlech, get some rest, you’ll do the next watch with the redhead.” “Her name is Celine, and will do.” Arlech responds and gets into the tent.

Once she gets a moment to herself, Celine leans against a tree and slides down it, the bark leaving marks on her shirt. Just then, she hears Maverick’s voice in her head, “I see you’re outside of the city now.” “What the fuck do you want, you bastard?” Celine answers. “My, my, vulgar today, are we?” The Royal Wizard responds. “Who wouldn’t be when it comes to you?” The redhead said through gritted teeth. “People who know their place in this world.” Came the man’s voice. “Well, good thing I don’t know my place, then.” She answers. “Then learn it.” The Royal Wizard responded. When she didn’t hear another message from him, she turned around and threw a Fire Bolt at the tree behind her. She hit the tree and left a scorch mark on it, then headed back to camp. Back at camp, the Elf and Sidqiel are keeping watch, neither really see anything. They hear a rustle, but when they look over, it’s just a deer eating grass, which gets scared off when the two notice it. Once Celine gets back, they tell her to get some sleep and she mumbles to herself, “Gladly.” A few hours pass and Sidqiel and the Elf wake up Arlech and Celine, telling them it was their turn to keep watch. Arlech and Celine both force themselves to get up and they sit near the fire, looking at the surroundings around them, Celine still half asleep while Arlech is wide awake. “So, are you gonna talk about what happened last night or not?” Arlech asks the shorter one. “I said I didn’t want to talk about it. Do you understand what, ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ means?” Celine shot at him. “Yes, I do, but there are some things you shouldn’t keep to yourself.” Arlech responded in a frustrated tone. “And why should I tell you? You just met me forty-eight hours ago, and you think I’d be willing to tell you anything? Get real.” She answers, rolling her eyes. “I’m just trying to be a good friend!” He answers. “Well you’re not my friend, you barely even know me! Maybe consider getting to know people instead of mindlessly flirting with them all the time!” She whisper-yells at him. Just then, they hear a crunching sound, like a stick. When they turn their heads, they see five figures in the shadows, all with weapons of some sort in their hands. “Wake the others,” Arlech whispered as he pulled out his Lute. Celine rushed into the tents, waking both Sidqiel and the Elf up, “We’ve got company” was all she told them. The two hopped up and quickly changed and grabbed their weapons. The first figure approaches and when it comes into what’s left of the firelight, they see it’s a man with a scraggly looking face, with a scar over his left eye, he says, “Give us your gold and maybe we’ll let you live.” “How about no?” Celine says and pulls out her spellbook. “So be it,” the man says and runs up to Celine, trying to slice her in the stomach, and manages to do so. She clutches at her stomach and glares at him, firing Magic Missile at her attacker while a second figure comes out of the shadows, this one is a woman, and she fires her crossbow at Sidqiel. Celine hits her attacker with one Magic Missile while the other two go wide, at the same time, the bolt from the second figure goes wide and misses Sidqiel entirely. A third figure steps out, a man, with studded leather armor and a green bandana on his head, and he throws a dagger at the Blonde Elf and hits her. The fourth figure steps out, another woman, and she runs up to Arlech, trying to attack him with her scimitar. She succeeds and leaves a cut in his chest. Sidqiel casts a spell and a giant, translucent Morningstar appears next to the figure that attacked him, it hits her and knocks her off of her feet. The Elven Pirate pulls out her pistol and shoots at her attacker, but the bullet doesn’t come out and she whispers, “Son of a bitch” to herself. The figure with the bandana chuckled at her and pulled out his scimitar. A fifth figure steps out, male and shoots a crossbow at Celine, but it misses and hits a tree. Arlech pulls out his short sword, taking a swing at his attacker, but swings wide, then he tries to cut the woman in front of

him with his dagger, but she just barely gets out of the way, a smirk on her lips. The first man who attacked Celine attacks her again and manages to do so. Celine casts Mage Armor on herself to protect herself while the figure who attacked Sidqiel fires her crossbow at him again, but the bolt just flies up into the air and lands ten feet from Sidqiel. The man with the bandana throws a second dagger at the Elf, but it misses and he runs up closer. The woman who attacked Arlech sliced at him again, and hit him with ease, then backflipped away from him, but landed on her backside. Arlech looked ragged and like he was about to pass out. Sidqiel uses the giant translucent Morningstar again on the same woman and hits her again and now she begins to look ragged and like she’s going to pass out. The Elven woman stuffs her gun back in its holster and pulls out her Great Sword, running towards the man who attacked her and taking a swing at him. He glared at her with disdain and got himself ready. Celine’s second attacker shoots his crossbow again and hits her easily, immediately taking her down and she passes out. Arlech glares, casts a spell called Thunderwave and his attacker gets hit and she’s shoved ten feet away and is knocked out cold on the ground, then he runs towards Celine. Celine’s first attacker slices at Celine again leaving more cuts in her skin and suddenly her last breath escapes her body and she’s lying lifeless on the ground. Sidqiel’s attacker fires a crossbow at him, but it misses entirely again. Sidqiel laughs at the woman’s failure and gets ready to attack again. The man with the bandana slices at the Elven woman, and hits her, leaving a nasty gash in her arm. Sidqiel hits his attacker with the giant Morningstar again and kills her instantly. The Elf slices at the man with the bandana again, but he steps out of the way, which causes her to growl at him. Celine’s second attacker attacks the Elf with his crossbow but misses entirely. Celine’s first attacker slices at Arlech with his scimitar and just hits him before he can move out of the way and Arlech is knocked out cold, falling on top of Celine’s lifeless body. The man with the bandana makes a slice at the Elven woman and hits her, but she’s still up even if she’s not looking great. Sidqiel attacks the man in front of the Elf, but misses entirely. The Elf swipes at the man in front of her again and hits him. Celine’s second attacker shoots his crossbow at Sidqiel and misses completely and growls in a frustrated manner. Celine’s first attacker shoots his crossbow at Sidqiel and also misses completely. The man in the bandana throws a dagger at Sidqiel and misses entirely as well. Sidqiel tries to hit the man in front of the Elf again, but the translucent Morningstar just does not hit him. The Pirate slices into the man, but he steps out of the way too quickly. Celine’s second attacker shoots his crossbow at Sidqiel but to no avail. Celine’s first attacker tries again as well, no luck. The man in the bandana slices at the Elf instead and slices into her shoulder, causing her to fall on the ground. Sidqiel runs over to the Elf as fast as he can and heals her up, she gasps and gets up. “Why you son of a-, “ the man with the bandana said. “Elf, go to Arlech and heal him up as quickly as possible,” Sidqiel whispers to her. “My name is Daxina, and will do.” Daxina answered and ran over to Arlech. The man in the bandana gets a hit on Daxina as she gets out of his range, leaving a gash in her leg as she runs over to the Tiefling who’s out cold. Deciding Sidqiel is the biggest threat, Celine’s first attacker shoots his crossbow at him, but the bolt ends up in a tree. The man in the bandana slashes at Sidqiel, but Sidqiel steps to the side too quickly. Sidqiel then quickly tries to grab the man’s arm, but he moves it away too quickly. Daxina takes out the potion from her tent and pours it down Arlech’s throat and he awakes with a start, “What’s going on, what happened?” “Not now,” Daxina said, “we still have a problem.” Arlech looks over as Celine’s second attacker

shoots a crossbow at Sidqiel, finally hitting him and causing some sort of damage. Feeling hopeful, Celine’s first attacker tries to shoot at Sidqiel as well, managing to hit him. The man in the bandana grins and slices at Sidqiel, hitting him as well, knocking him out cold. Daxina slices at Celine’s second attacker, slicing into him like ham. The man she attacked, attacked her, but she jumped out of the way. Arlech then cast Thunderwave, knocking one bandit out cold and accidentally knocking Daxina out. “Sorry,” he says and runs to the man in the bandana. The second man who attacked Celine attacks him as he leaves and hits him. The man in the bandanna chuckles, “You really think you can take me?” “No,” Arlech said, “but I refuse to go down without a fight.” “So be it,” the assumed leader said and sliced at Arlech hitting him square in the chest, knocking him out cold. The two remaining bandits spit on the bodies of their victims and left, not caring for what they had if they had been that weak.

An hour later, a Tabaxi walked by, and she saw everyone on the ground. She checked their pulses and found all but one had a slow, steady heartbeat, “Oh dear, this will never do,” she said and healed the three she could heal, and they all sat up quickly and noticed her, “Who are you?” Daxina asked, still not fully there. “My name is Jolien, I’m a Druid, and I can see you all need help. The redhead, how long has she been dead?” “An hour,” Arlech answered her, looking down. “Well, then I think we’ll be just fine.” Jolien answered and walked over to Celine, cold and dead, Jolien placed a hand on Celine’s arm and said words that no one but Daxina understood, “Al’katar,” the others looked in confusion, “ ’Come back,’ she says,” Daxina translates, “Al’katar norvium,” the Tabaxi continues, “ ’Come back to the light,’ ” translates Daxina. The next thing they all knew, Celine sits up, gasps, and coughs. “Welcome back young one,” Jolien said and Celine screamed at seeing a giant cat in front of her. “Shh, shhh, don’t worry, you’re safe,” the Tabaxi says. “What the hell are you?!” Celine exclaims as she backs away on the ground. “My name is Jolien, I’m what’s called a Tabaxi, and I just brought you back to life.” “Excuse me?” Celine asks, stunned. “Yes, I just brought you back, you weren’t breathing.” The Tabaxi reassures. “I-I was dead?” Celine asks, still processing what she just heard, “You really mean that?” she asks, looking at the giant cat in front of her, which was still an odd sight to her. Before Jolien could answer her, Arlech and Sidqiel ran over and knelt by her and started asking what seemed like fifty-thousand questions, “Are you okay?” “Did you meet or see any of the Gods?” “Do you need help up?” Celine covered her ears and said, “Shut up, please! And back the fuck off!” Jolien lightly pushed the two men back and backed up herself while Daxina looked on in shock at everything that happened, wondering how a Tabaxi knew Elvish. Celine sat up fully and leaned against a tree, she inhaled deeply and sat for a minute, just in silence as the others looked on, confused. When she exhaled, she said, “So you’re telling me, I died, as in, actually died, and somehow I was brought back to life? That makes no logical sense. Especially in this world where it seems like it’s all early versions of weapons and furniture, compared to where I’m from. You wouldn’t have the equipment to even attempt that, my world doesn’t and it’s more advanced than this.” Jolien walked up, slowly, “Well, I don’t know where you’re from, dear, but with magic, we can, depending on how long the person or creature has been dead. What I used on you, the creature or person can’t have been dead for 200 or more years. You had only been gone an hour and it was the only one I had prepared, so it was quite easy to bring you back,” she turned to the other three, “and this question goes to all four of you. What in the Gods’ names were you doing out here in the middle of the night? These roads are dangerous at night nowadays.” “They were to join the Solarstriders, we were on the way to Tortoise Landing, the fishing village two days from Crisherton, for their trial. They’re having a bit of a Gnoll problem. These bandits, I presume, that attacked us were not part of it. They tried to attack our camp,” Sidqiel responds and Daxina adds, “Now, before you lecture us about getting beaten by simple bandits, there was this large man with them that seemed to be their leader.” “I would have done no such thing,” Jolien answers, “But that certainly explains it. If their leader was with them, that means something drove them out of wherever they were hiding.” “Do you think it might have been the Gnolls?” Arlech asks. The Tabaxi scoffed, “Gods no, a Captain or Leader of the bandits could easily handle a Gnoll, a small group of them even. No, it had to have been something big. I need to report this to the City Watch in Crisherton, but that will wait until tomorrow. You all go to sleep, I’ll keep an eye out for anything else.” The quartet agreed and climbed into their tents, going to

sleep with ease.

[medea10]

My Review of Interspecies Reviewers

End of January…um, 2020

“Grrr…this day was a crap show! The republicans rat-fucked our country and Brexit fucking happened. I’m gonna write some scripts and call it a night. Let me just check Twitter one last time before I…

Huh?

FUNimation drops newly-added anime, Interspecies Reviewers?

This smells scandalous, I must watch!”

It’s very, very, VERY rare that an anime licensor drops an anime that’s currently airing in Japan and doing it weeks after announcing a full release (no pun intended), plus a friggin’ English dub. And where there’s controversy, I will be there to sniff it out…eventually. I think I can squeeze one more anime to watch on a week-by-week basis. Hell, I shoved Domestic Girlfriend in at last minute in 2019 right in the middle of moving to a different state. I think I can handle a little anime like this. What could possibly go wr…?!

*one week later*

Oh fluffies! This escalated quickly!

So…Interspecies Reviewers is about a human name Stunk and an elf named Zel. They go around to brothels, spend some time with the ladies of the evening known as Succu-girls (because these girls suck you), and review their “encounter” with them for a tavern full of curious males. Stunk and Zel want to go around and conquer as many species, discovering all new kinks and fetishes, fondle all kinds of jiggly-bits and naughty bits from cow-girls, cat-girls, skeleton girls, succubis, fire salamanders girls, elves, fairies, slimes, demons, bird-maidens, cyclops, and oh-so many others. This is a vast world and there’s only so many brothels these men can tackle at a time.

Oh yeah, there’s also an angel named Crim. Stunk and Zel saved Crim, but Crim can’t go back to Heaven since his halo is busted. Although now, I doubt if he’ll ever get entry back into Heaven after being defiled by a cat-woman. I mean who among us haven’t lost our virginity to a cat-eared girl on a whim?

*ahem*

R.I.P. Crim’s virginity

So there you have it! A human, an elf, and an angel walk into a brothel and…that’s the anime!

BETWEEN THE SUB AND THE DUUUUUU…..UH-OH: The sub was fine and I’m gonna leave it there with the subtitle version. As for the dub…What dub? There’s no dub! Dubs are just a myth here! Like I said before, FUNimation DID have this series. Emphasis on “DID”! They released the first 3 episodes in their normal week-by-week fashion, no worries there. They promised an English dub and released one episode dubbed, sounds about right! But then one night, they just drop this series!

Funimation on Jan. 31: After careful consideration, we determined that this series falls outside of our standards. We have the utmost respect for our creators so rather than substantially alter the content, we felt taking it down was the most respectful choice.

*sighs*

BOI!

Did you, FUNimation? Or was it Sony pulling the strings? But I’m getting ahead of myself here. A wide variety of things could have sprung this on! One reason could be that the voice actors felt uncomfortable with the material. I know some voice actors from FUNimation are a little skeptical here and if they voice something that’s borderline Hentai or IS HENTAI, they’ll use an alias name so that no one would be the wiser. I know it’s a job and money’s on the table here, but people are people. They have morals and boundaries! Not everyone can have the bravery to voice act in a Hentai like Dan Green (he totally did, you should look it up).

Another theory, Sony and/or FUNimation were being cautious and don’t want to air something so extreme in the naughty department. But if that were the case, how do you account for your full releases of High School DxD, Panty & Stocking, Conception, Keijo!!!!!!!!, Shimoneta, My Girlfriend is a Gal, and A Sister is All You Need? Then again, these animes were made and released prior to Sony buying FUNimation. But as of recent, FUNimation is streaming works from Aniplex of America that are kinda questionable. Where I’m going with this is that weeks after dropping Interspecies Reviewers, they add shows like Nisemonogatari AND Eromanga Sensei to their site. Ahem! Guys, where were those “STANDARDS” you were talking about earlier? Eromanga Sensei is downright illegal! Then again, none of these titles really reached full-blown bestiality like this series does! I mean, Sentai Filmworks happily released Monster Musume and that was borderline bestiality. But whatever, you guys do you!

Then again, no series has gone the distance by having several sex scenes per episode with the uncensored version going beyond the boundary quite like this.

Yeah…in this “woke AF” time we’re living in, if an anime doesn’t have an advisory stated at the beginning of an episode with lewd or controversial scenes, people lose their shit. Hence, Goblin Slayer’s debut and that one Sword Art Online episode! Whatever the case, now that FUNimation dropped this series, I don’t expect it to get picked up by any other licensor and it’ll probably remain in license limbo forever. There were a few voice actors set up to be in this anime including Monica Rial, Brittney Karbowski, and Amber Lee Connors. Only one episode was dubbed and good luck finding it now! But after this, I doubt these folks would ever finish what they started. And that’s a shame, because FUNimation voice actors have a knack for turning an anime dirty. Especially if you hire Monica Rial or Jamie Marchi (or both)!

I know every season, there’s a fight between American licensors in what animes they’re going to grab and show to their subscribers. FUNimation really could have taken a few extra minutes to do a little research on this one before jumping in a pool where the water is replaced by naked half-species chicks. For fuck’s sake, there’s a manga to this! Although, I’ve heard that the manga doesn’t even go this far! So this is disproving my rant! Let me just finish by saying that FUNimation really fucked up here. You could have streamed the series censored, have an age confirmation to watch the uncensored version, and then release that later down the line! But dropping Interspecies Reviewers has unleashed a fury of pissed off viewers who ended up trolling MyAnimeList and other websites. Yeah, thanks a lot! Those were some idiotic days on the internet! With all of that said, here’s what you might recognize these folks from.

*Stunk is played by Junji Majima (known for Ryuji on Toradora, Ryuunousuke on Assassination Classroom, Kimihito on Monster Musume, Nikaido on Shugo Chara, Racer on Fairy Tail, and Kouhei on Oreimo)

*Zel is played by Yuusuke Kobayashi (known for Subaru on ReZero, Tanukichi on Shimoneta, Arthur on Fire Force, and Marui on Food Wars)

*Crim is played by Miyu Tomita

FAVORITE CHARACTER: God bless this boy, I love Crim.

I know he’s got the short end of the stick in a lot of these reviews. But there’s nothing short about his stick if you get what I’m saying.

Yeah, I said it.

SHIPPING: DO STD’S EXIST IN THIS FUCKING WORLD?!

Look, all you need to know is that real love is not gonna happen in this franchise and just fuck it! Literally!

Actually, I really think the boys have a special place in their hearts for Meidri. I’m only basing this on episode 6 where the boys go to the Golem brothel to “Build-a-Bitch” and out of all the figures, ladies, and ways to build a bitch, their little Halfling friend builds a golem replica of Meidri. Maybe it’s because she’s familiar or they’re curious in case they end up having sex with Meidri in the future or if the Halfling has a thing for Meidri! I just know all four boys ended up fucking a golem in the likeness of Meidri AND gave it a great score.

But aside from that, there’s really nothing more to say except Stunk has a thing for that 500 year old fairy and Zel has a thing for a 60+ year old human.

IT’S FUN TO STAY AT THE…: It’s obvious that Japan has a thing for music made outside of the country. Especially those made in America (and England)! Recent examples are animes like Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure, Eden of the East, and A Silent Voice actually using songs from groups like The Bangles, Oasis, and The Who. THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE TIMES!

The OP song for this series is literally Y.M.C.A. except about getting your dick up to fuck!

And you know what? That was another missed fucking opportunity for FUNimation! This song could have gotten an English dub. Normally I despise it when English companies give an English dub to perfectly good opening and endings from Japan. But this would have been the ONE exception. GOD! Only in my dreams!

OH THIS IS WRONG: I don’t mean aspects of this anime! I’ve gotten used to the sex scenes and the shock factor of watching actual hentai at this point. Surprisingly, the one thing that got my feathers ruffled is at the end of some of the episodes where we get a small segment from a gentleman named Professor Ookina or Professor Poke if you will.

LOOK AT THIS FUCKING MAN!

Pokemon, why haven’t you sued yet? This is a sexual version of Professor Oak’s end-of-the-episode lectures. Unshou Ishizuka’s probably rolling over in his grave either from laughter, disgust, or that he didn’t live long enough to voice this colorful character. I haven’t settled on which to believe in!

ENDING: The last few episodes we saw a few interesting storylines. For one, we’ve got one brothel where all four adventurers gave the ladies a unanimous 10/10. Spend three days with the clones of a powerful woman and just all-around perfect scores. That is just unheard of! Even in the anime reviewing community, a perfect anime doesn’t exist. So stop trying to turn Interspecies Reviewers into the next Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. OKAY?! Not gonna happen! Just stop it! Stop it.

Then we had a gentleman who has generously been giving previous ladies of the evening perfect scores. This dude loves the ladies and sees the positives in all of them giving them all a perfect score. And I guess that does bring up a good point here.

Different strokes for different blokes! Not everyone is going to have the same taste as you. Stunk might have a thing for 500-year old fairies while Zel finds her old and disgusting. Zel might have a thing for Mitsue while Stunk finds banging 60-year old human whores repulsive. That’s where reviewers come in. They say the good and the bad when it comes to reviewing (insert profession here). In the case of this series, the boys have different tastes and when going to a foreign brothel, some of the ladies customs might confuse and weird out the boys. But in most cases, they had fun (except that afternoon watching girls laid eggs). So I’m glad Stunk and Zel found fault with the dude who gives 10/10’s like candy.

The final episode felt a little nostalgic as we revisit a race we haven’t seen since episode 2. Stunk and Zel find a business card for a demon brothel. They WERE supposed to go over and review the demon girls...

...but got side-tracked by the big-tit cowgirls.

Better late than never, but at least the demon brothel got some decent reviews by the boys. Good since demons are rated quite low in what men want to bang.

Then, the boys celebrate New Years by hitting up a good brothel to start the New Year off right. You know, start it off with a bang! It’s just that a lot of the popular brothels and Stunk’s regular hangouts are all booked up for the night. Lot of horny John’s on New Years! So the boys end up in a dream eater brothel. These girls take on the form of their dream succu-girl and believe it or not, the reviewers were very pleased. Almost like a pleasant dream!

Now conclusion wise, we really didn’t get Crim’s halo fixed nor did we go to Heaven to see Zel and Stunk get it on with some freaky angels. Instead, we get the same intro we got in episode one, reminding us that there are a barrage of brothels out there in this world and a bunch of succu-girls ready to suck your dicks off. And as long as we have succu-girls and brothels, there will always be reviewers like Stunk, Zel, and Crim to bust a nut! And I think Stunk is now going to visit his father’s harem now. Yeah, his old man has a harem. So there’s that! Too bad we’re not going to see that story.

I got to say…this wasn’t all that bad. In fact, I really liked this anime. And I’m usually rough on borderline-Hentai programs (and not in the good way). I am impressed at the creative way these men review these ladies and the brothels they work in. As an anime reviewer, I have to admire this. To take it all in with how these guys approach something such as having a one-night stand with a succu-girl! Each episode was a new experience with a new lady, sometimes two new brothels in the same episode. After their nights with a succu-girl, their reviews…actually, it’s best to watch it instead of taking my word for it.

NOW THEN! This is by no means on Top-Tier levels of Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood. So you people on MyAnimeList better knock it the fuck off! Yes, FUNimation dropped the ball by dropping this series when they’ve clearly licensed and dubbed WORSE. But owning them this way is just going to come off as weird when we look back at this years later and laugh. On top of which, FUNimation wasn’t the only one that dropped Interspecies Reviewers. Amazon Prime and at least three television stations in Japan dropped this series in the middle of its run.

Oh good God this was a fun and bizarre ride and it was fun while it lasted. Come on y’all, face the facts. There is no way this anime is ever gonna get a second season unless they absolutely censor the fuck out of it over in Japan. Look at all the Japanese channels that dropped this series not even halfway into the run! The best I’m hoping for is an OVA release. That way they can show us all the sex and nipples they want. But a season two? You’d have a better chance getting a Haruhi Suzumiya continuation! Yeah, I said it and I ain’t taking it back! Despite it not being available anywhere in the states, I advise my anime friends and followers to at least give this a chance (as long as you’re not grossed out by sexual discourse).

...

Medea, aren’t you going to give a number score like the Interspecies Reviewer lads?

*sighs*

I truly hate giving a number score. But for once in my written reviews, I’ll do it just this once.

If you would like to watch this series legally here in the states, you are shit out of luck unless you’re from Australia or Japan.

And once again…

R.I.P. Crim’s virginity!

[meganshinsou-tm]

Sugarcoated. (m)

↳ chapter four: candy apples

❧ genre: pro-hero hitoshi, adoptive siblings, happy ending

❧ chapter warnings:

[multi-chap masterlist] [previous chapter - next chapter]

"Hey, stop dipping off for free samples! Didn't you have enough pancakes!"

You turned your head with wide eyes as you were caught, a cookie pressed to your lips before you hurried and shoved it in your mouth as Hitoshi stormed towards you. You waved at the employee attending the cart and went to run in the opposite direction until a strong hand clutched the back of your sweater pulling you backwards as an inhuman noise escaped your mouth.

"You're the fucking hobbit here, you know that? Give me your hand, no more until what –" the hero looked at his watch to see it was only almost noon, according to Hobbit meal times the next meal was lunch, "Until three!"

Your hand was eagerly taken into his as he turned you around, making you smile and interlock your fingers with his. He looked down at your hands laced together so intimately and smirked.

"And you said I'm a nerd? How do you know Hobbit meal times Toshi," you replied, mouth still full of ooey gooey cookie goodness.

"Shut up and let's go you halfling!"

With a smile you did as told and continued around the market with the purple haired hero, searching and finding all the items you needed to make a special treat for Eri. Even after leaving the market, Hitoshi still never released your hand from his but you didn't complain. It was nice and comforting. Together you boarded a train once again then headed back to your place. Once in your apartment, Hitoshi helped to unpack the groceries and you sat all your ingredients up nice and neatly on the kitchen counter. You looked over it all, pointing and counting to make sure everything was there. 

"Corn syrup, sugar, food coloring, water and apples!"

Hitoshi was standing next to you, watching as you meticulously measured everything. It was cute to him how precise you were, making sure the sugar was even in the measuring cup and sizing up all the apples side by side only choosing ones that matched. Your eyes then looked at him and you smirked.

"Make yourself useful hero and wash these for me!"

"Yes ma'am," he smiled and grabbed the apples you motioned to.

You went to a cabinet and bent over, searching for a pan. Hitoshi couldn't help but look and stare with a devious grin. It was taking everything in him to not reach over and just smack your behind for the fun of it. After he finished washing the apples, you told him to dry them and to line the cookie sheet you took out with some wax paper, followed by impaling the apples with the sticks you purchased.

"Once I get this to a good boiling point, we'll have to work fast before the temperature drops."

"What happens if it drops?"

"Then the coating on the apples won't be clean and pretty."

"You're a bit of a perfectionist huh?" Shinsou asked with one of those attractive half grins.

You smiled and shrugged your shoulders, pouring the syrup, sugar and water into a saucepan while stirring it. "I like to produce quality shit, sue me. When I have my own bakery, I refuse to put out less than perfect products."

"That admirable. I'm sure when that happens, you'll be the one everyone comes to. And I'll become one of your regulars, all over again."

"Thanks for the warning," you snickered and stuck your tongue out at Hitoshi.

Only a few short minutes went by, Shinsou was leaning on the counter scrolling through his phone. He'd steal looks at you every now and then. You were so cute to him, especially in this moment all focused on your task. Your hair in a clip and the tip of your tongue between your teeth. Smirking, the lavenderette opened the camera on his phone and snapped a candid picture. You looked over at the sound of the shutter and growled.

"You're lucky I have to constantly stir this, or else!"

Hitoshi chuckled and stood straight, leaning in closer to you, his fingers brushed back a few flyaway strands of your hair. The two of you had grown quickly comfortable with being in close quarters of each other since that morning.

"Or else what sweetness, you gonna scratch me with those cute little claws?"

"You'd enjoy that too much Toshi! Now shut up and hand me the food coloring," you replied bumping your hip into him and removing the saucepan from the burner.

The man did as instructed. You took the small bottle from him and undid the cap, squeezing a decent amount of the dye into the clear and boiling mixture. Stirring in the color, the substance turned a glossy ruby red. Hitoshi got closer, genuinely curious now as he looked more at your handy work. The sweet and sugary scent filled his nostrils making him hum and sigh. It smelt like you actually and it made him salivate.

"Okay you hand me the apples, I'll dip them then hand them back and you place them on the wax paper. Easy enough for you?"

"Psh, I got this woman!"

You smiled and opened up your palm to him, looking at the mixture you stirred. Hitoshi handed you an apple and you took it, tilted the saucepan on its side and dipped the fruit into the pool of thick boiling candy. After completely coating the apple, you removed it and let it hang for a bit as the excess liquid roll off and handed it to the hero. Together you repeated the process until all six apples were done. Shinsou looked at the finished products and awed at them. The apples shined and gleamed. You went about cleaning up the dishes, adding the now sticky covered saucepan to a pool of hot water to let it soak.

"She's going to love these (Y/N), you're extremely kind for doing this."

"It's something I enjoy doing, if she likes me then I'll just have more reasons to bake and practice my skills. Halloween is coming up, and I love making treats for that holiday!"

Hitoshi took a picture of the apples and put the device back in his pocket. He looked at you leaning against the sink and fidgeting with your nails, not exactly paying attention to him. As he went to look away he noticed your sleeves were rolled up and saw bruises around both your wrists. 

Quickly he was planted in front of you, taking your right forearm in his grasp and inspecting your tarnished skin. A curse slipped from your lips as you tried to pull your limb free but he only moved his grip to your elbow as his free hand took hold of your palm so he had more control. The marks looked as if they were fading, alarming him that you had them for a few days now. His mind flashed back to how on edge you looked when your boss Mr. Lee was around then he remembered you saying the man could get handsy. The blood in Hitoshi's body started to boil and his grit his teeth.

"Did that piece of shit do this?"

"It doesn't matter. I'm fine Toshi, I can handle –"

"You're not going back there," Hitoshi's sharp and low voice cut you off.

His eyes looked into yours, the purple hues burning with fire. Your brows furrowed and you clicked your tongue, narrowing your own eyes at him.

"You're not my fucking father or something, plus if tonight goes well then I won't have to deal with him for much longer."

"No, I'm not your father, but I am your friend and I care for you and for your safety, a lot actually. If he has the balls to do this, what's to stop him from going further next time (Y/N)? He obviously has no morals or sense of boundaries, your news of quitting would probably set him off. I'm not letting you return to a place like that, not if it means putting you in danger."

You looked away with a sigh. It wasn't like you wanted to go back, that asshole who was your boss was the reason you hadn't even left your apartment all weekend. Of course if you didn't need the money, you would've never went back the first time the man ever said something inappropriate to you, but that was just how life was for you. You suffered and fought through all the bullshit, whatever it takes to get to your end goal, your dream. 

Your (e/c) hues looked back to Hitoshi, his grip on you loosened. Your free hand rubbed the back of your neck and you shrugged.

"I really appreciate your concern Hitoshi, I get that it's your job to care about other's safety, but I can't just not return. I still need to get at least that last paycheck and it's not professional, like it won't look good on future resumes and applications to just up and leave my place of work without notice, no matter the reason."

"Then give me your schedule and I'll accompany you to and from, and wait on you. I have a lot of vacation days saved up, I can afford to at least do that for a few days until you quit and come to work as Eri's babysitter."

"That's a little overboard Toshi, I'm not the only citizen that needs protection you know?"

The purple haired hero smirked finally releasing your elbow but still holding your hand. He looked at the bruise on your skin and shook his head, then softly kissed it. You felt your heart beat fast and flutter, as your cheeks heated up.

"True, but you're the only citizen I care about protecting at the moment. I'm not going to let the person I like and have feelings for get hurt more than she already has, not if I can help it."

You grunted and tried to reply but weren't really sure what to say. It was news to you that the hero actually had legit feelings for you besides friendly teasing and flirting, if anything you figured the two of you would just be a small fling but the way his tone was when he confessed and the look in his violet hues said different. It was sweet actually and made butterflies dance around in your stomach. You liked the hero as well but never put any more effort into the thought of an actual relationship blossoming between the two of you. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad though, he drove you nuts but always ended up flattering you, you enjoyed the time with him and he did make you feel safe and warm.

Hitoshi then released your hand and stepped closer, making your breathing hitch in your throat as his face leaned in. You screwed your eyes shut for some reason, unaware of what his next move was. It had been since before you started college that you dated or had a relationship. Getting your degree and pursuing your dreams came first and you had no time for boys so this was like learning to walk all over again. A deep chuckle made your eyes open and you felt warm lips on your forehead, instantly making your body relax.

"I'm sorry if that was a little too forward but I couldn't resist and you didn't exactly stop me. If I ever make you feel uncomfortable though (Y/N), I want you to let me know okay?"

You smirked and nodded. Unlike how your boss made you feel, when Hitoshi made such advances they didn't fill you with fear. Being around the hero was just the opposite, nothing he ever did made you feel uncomfortable and you wanted to make him aware of it. Standing on the tips of your toes you placed a soft peck to Hitoshi's cheek and cupped it with your hand, brushing your thumb over the spot. The man beamed at you and melted into your touch like some kind of kitten, his hand reaching up to rest over yours. It was the cutest he's ever looked and you screamed internally.

"How about we finish up here little halfling, then head out. Shouta's place is a good ways away and if I'm late then I won't hear the end of it from that little brat."

You nodded and smiled, retracting your hand and the hero ruffled your hair.

 Hitoshi watched as you went about plating the candy apples on a fancy platter and quirked a brow at how much effort you into just presentation, he really did admire the heart you put into your baking. All day long he found more and more things he started to adore about you. To him this was much better than having to see you unhappy in a silly, yet still cute outfit, at a place you loathed. He could get used to seeing a genuine smile from you and he was more than excited to show you off to the only other girl that mattered in his life. As he continued watching, you turned around with a smile.

"Alright Toshi, let's go see Eri!"

[kittyprincessofcats]

High Rollers - Lightfall - Episode 11

I normally don’t do this, but this episode had so many amazing/funny/emotional moments that I just feel like writing up all my favourite moments. And yes, I know this is all three years old, but idc.

- In the beginning when they’re discussing if they should go to Talis’Val or Briarcrest and Cam tries to convince Jiutóu to go to Talis’Val: “... and you can see your good buddy Korak... and kill him or whatever...” - I just love how at this point Jiutóu hasn’t even revealed that she wants to kill Korak, but Cam just casually drops this line as if he’s known all along. Something about that is hilarious to me.

- The entire bar scene where Trell disguises himself as a beautiful woman and tries to seduce Cam is absolutely hilarious. Also when Cam finally sees through it and just goes “You wanna bang, huh? You wanna get to it with my Natural 20, do you?” I died 😂

- Jiutóu having the crushing realization that these idiots are the people she pledged her life to.

- As sorry as I feel for Dmitriev because of everything the party has put him through, all those scenes where he was being paranoid and Cam messed with him were still pretty hilarious.

- I love how the party keeps using Jiutóu’s new teenage appearance as an excuse to try and get stuff cheaper. When that dwarf didn’t want to give them as much money for finding the missing lumber, Trell was immediately like “But this child almost died!” And now that the woman who rents the horses doesn’t want to give them a discount, Cam’s all “But you can’t let this poor child walk to Talis’Val!”

- And then the episode turns serious and sad really quickly as Cam fucks up big time and kills Dmitiev by setting his shop on fire. I like the emotion and the character development stupid decisions like that can bring with them. It’s also what happened with Jiutóu’s death and resurrection.

- Trell becoming Granny Trell again and convincing the guards to let him visit Cam in prison - hilarious. We all need more Granny Trell in our lives.

- Cam being asked for his name at the gate to Talis’Val and saying that it’s “Tam Muckland” 😂 And Jiutóu replying with her mother’s name 😢

- Guard: *asks Jiutóu what she’s doing in Talis’Val*

Jiutóu: “I’m a performer. I’m part of [Cam’s] show.”

Cam: “She does the fire-breathing.”

- I loved Mark’s description of Talis’Val and what a big, busy city it is. Just from his descriptions I could really feel the atmosphere of going through those busy streets and seeing such a big city for the first time. I’m a writer who often struggles with describing places, and I think Mark did a really great job here.

- When they’re giving back the horse and cart, and the Halfling tries to only give them 15 Gold back instead of 20. And Elora, who’s not good at confronting people, is just like “We were told... Trell... Trell, deal with this, please.”

- Jiutóu telling the others her story and showing them the scars on her back 😢 And admitting that she’s scared of being in this city while Tieflings are going missing. Gosh, I really wanted Cam or Elora to hug her.

- Elora: “I heard that you were talking about a missing Tiefling.”

Officer: “Yes. I mean, no... uh... yes, there’s people going missing, all of which have been Tieflings, but it’s not confirmed that it’s Tieflings going missing, it’s just missing people, some of which happen to be Tieflings. That’s what I’ve been told to say.”

Elora: “Are there any missing people who are not Tieflings?”

Officer: “Uh... no.”

😂😂😂

- Overall, this was just a very hilarious and emotional episode (no wonder they called it “Rollercoaster of Emotions”) and I couldn’t resist writing up my favourite parts, so enjoy my rambling.

[the-ipre]

"You don't seem like yourself" for the prompts!

“You don’t seem like yourself,” Kravitz said, and a laugh tore its way from Taako’s throat.

“Can’t imagine what would make you say that.” They were walking through a town together, arms linked, and sure Taako’s nails might be digging a bit too much into Kravitz’s arm, and his hat might have been pulled a bit lower than normal, but who could blame him. The last time that he had been through Glamour Springs, he hadn’t exactly been a hit.

Well- he had been, was the thing. He’d been a hit, and then he really, really wasn’t.

Even though he kept his gaze directly ahead, vision cut off by the purple tulle brim of his wizard’s hat, Taako could feel Kravitz’s gaze shift towards him. He could picture the look of concern, the not-quite-joking face that said I see you, and as Kravitz opened his mouth Taako pulled his arm away to point to a halfling child skipping around a corner up ahead. “Oh, would you look at that, is that a lich? We should regroup somewhere else so that you can tell bird mom about it.”

“I really don’t think that she’s a lich, Taako,” Kravitz said, looking like he wanted to link arms again but not quite trusting himself to.

Taako hummed, lifting the brim of his hat so that his dramatic eyebrow raise could reach its full effect. “That’s what you say, bones, but you didn’t think my umbrella could hold a lich, which, it did.” He let out a gasp, breath slightly strained with trying to keep his act together. “Does that make me the new death detective?”

“You’d have to take that up with the Raven Queen, darling, but I don’t think that-” Before he could continue talking, probably intending to say something that would cut right to the heart of Taako’s bullshittery, another voice rang out.

“Taako?” The elf in question put on a smile, a touch more brilliant than usual, and turned, but his expression froze in place as the man kept going. “From Sizzle it Up?”

Twitching his fingers behind his back, Taako made an illusory version of himself walk out of an alley near the man and his friends, because of course, he had brought multiple people to come harass the most talented elf this side of the planar system.

“No, I’m not Taako, but-” He gasped, a proper stage gasp that he would have been proud of some other time. “Is that Taako?”

He pointed to the fake-Taako that was, admittedly, not the best replica – especially as it was only four feet tall, with a short hat – but it waved, putting a dramatic hand to its mouth.

The head of the group, a human man in his late fifties, spared the not-Taako a glance before looking back to where the real one stood next to Kravitz, who was looking confused, increasingly worried, and thoroughly unprepared for the situation. “I don’t think so.” He started to approach, and Taako linked arms with Kravitz again, who, gods bless him, put a reassuring hand on Taako’s grip. “Do you know who I am?”

“Can’t say I do, homie-”

“Right, ‘cause I wasn’t at your show. My wife was, though, with our kid. I wonder if you’d recognize them?”

As the man talked, Taako’s breath was tight in his chest, and he tightened his grip on Kravitz as he muttered under his breath. “Can you get us back home?”

“What?”

“Can you get us out of here?” Taako’s voice was a hiss as he looked back over at the man, who was still talking, still approaching, and he felt like he was peeling out of his skin, layer by layer. “Please?”

A scythe rippled through the air, no more questions asked, the man disappeared behind the quicksilver-swirling void, and Kravitz pulled Taako through behind him.

Back home in their comforting apartment, cloudy sunlight creeping through one of the full length windows and outlining the furniture in gold, Taako was doing his best not to make eye contact with Kravitz. Bad enough that he’d started to fall apart back there, bad enough that he could still picture any number of mother-and-child from his last show that the man might have been referring to, but one difficult straw on the whole shitty stack was that-

Well, for all that he’d told Kravitz about his past and his mistakes, he hadn’t quite brought this one up. It had always seemed so big, forty deaths, and then it wasn’t his fault! But…he had still been the one to serve those people their last meal. He’d been the one to see shit turn south and tuck tail and run. He’d been the one who should have done something, but.

He hadn’t.

Taako had helped save the entire universe, but he hadn’t been able to save forty fucking people.

“Well, I’m going to start dinner-”

“Are you okay?” 

“How does salad sound-” Taako’s voice overlapped with Kravitz as they started talking at the same time. “Ah, sorry, cut you off there. What were you saying?”

Kravitz leaned back against the kitchen counter, and even as Taako turned his back to open a cabinet he could feel his boyfriend’s stare. “Well, uh, that was something of a- a quick evac, if you will.” His voice was slipping back into a British accent, seeming just as uncomfortable with the topic as Taako was, but he wasn’t going to let it go quite so easily. “Anything that I should know about?”

Taako laughed, high-pitched enough that it squeaked, and he set two plates down so hard that he was a bit amazed they didn’t chip. It would have been easy enough to fix, he had magic powers after all, but he didn’t need that extra hint of crappiness. “Yeah, darling, I’m just peachy. I didn’t kill those people, after all, I wasn’t the one who poisoned ‘em. I was just the one who took the fall and had a hand in their deaths and fed them chicken that should have been the best chicken of their life but instead it was their last. ‘M all good, though,” he said, shoulders tensing and voice straining as he moved around the kitchen faster, keeping himself grounded because this was his home, gods damn it, and he wasn’t going to fall apart in his own fucking apartment just because he might have to face some consequences for his actions. 

As he caught sight of his reflection in the glass of the window, he saw the man’s face again, bitter and angry and still hurting, and he had to turn away.

There was a pause, and Taako could almost hear the clack of the beads in Kravitz’s dreads as he fiddled with them in thought. “Well, I hope this doesn’t mean that I have to arrest my boyfriend for death crimes.”

Taako let out a laugh, a little less hysterical than the last, because wouldn’t that be just the fucking thing – Lup’s the actual lich, but he’s the one who gets got. “I sure hope not too, Krav.” In a distant part of his mind, he realized that his shoulders were shaking, grown painful and tense without his attention. 

He turned, and there was a quiet Kravitz next to him, smile quirked to one side as he held out a hand toward’s Taako’s shoulder. “May I?” Taako nodded, feeling the palms descend onto him and fingers pressing into the muscle, and he forced himself to relax. It hurt, but in a good way. It wasn’t the sharpness of dropped plates, of harsh breaths, of regret and guilt and running and displaced blame. 

It was just a dull, constant pressure, and it was the kind of thing that would eventually ease the pain.

Eventually, Taako’s fingers stopped flickering so frantically, and he let himself relax back into Kravitz, just a bit. Things were quiet and still, two plates left out on the counter and a bag of lettuce sitting on the cutting board, fingers simply resting on muscles instead of pressing down, and when Taako cleared his throat he felt Kravitz’s grip tighten, just a touch. An acknowledgment that he was there. It was sweet, and didn’t make him feel quite so boxed in, and Taako turned around to put his hands on Kravitz’s waist and make eye contact. 

“So, after the…back when I first got here, I was a traveling chef, and, I’m not afraid to say it, I was kind of hot shit.” He let out a laugh, a bit more real than those before, smile quirking up on one side as he remembered the early days. They had been good, was the thing, riding around and showing off, and it was almost like he had Lup but not quite but it was fine because he hadn’t needed anybody but himself. As he kept talking, his expression started to freeze so it wouldn’t fall. “After a while, I picked up an assistant, because the world couldn’t handle pure, uncut Taako. Had to be diluted a bit, you know. For the safety of the masses. Of course.”

Swallowing, Taako brushed his thumbs against Kravitz’s sides, maintaining eye contact because if he didn’t have that, he might have just shut up then and there, and he couldn’t do that. He actually cared about Kravitz, about the gentle pressure on his shoulders and the look that said I want you to feel safe and the laugh that curled on the edge of his throat just in case, and he couldn’t brush past this shit forever.

Standing quiet in their shared kitchen, outlined in gold and rose and amber as the sun began to set, words falling into the space between two bodies, Taako told Kravitz the truth of his last show at Glamour Springs.