#nerding out hours

[nerdygirlwithanxiety]

If your oc had a pokémon team, what would it be? And what kind of trainer do you think he would be?

Omg yes I can nerd out thank you!!

So interesting enough Anthony has a unique team

Before he has all 8 badges

Hisui Zorua (✨️ ♂️) is anthonys start and the only companion that traveled all of sinnoh all the way to paldia without losing his spot. Think of him as Anthony's pikachu basically...except he has a mischievous personally and a bit of a prankster. Zorua was a gift for anthonys 9th birthday from his cousin. He has yet to evolve into zoroark.

His second companion is Casper (♂️) is a gasly that eventually evolved to a gengar. He was the second one to stayed on his team. He also stuck with Anthony for a long time and was his first pokemon he caught on his own. He actually rescued Gasly from an abusive trainer. Anthony was 11 at the time

Mimikyu (✨️♀️) was also one he caught on his own...actually she took a liking to zorua and followed them everywhere until Anthony gave in and caught her. He was 14 at the time

The final one was actually a snivy. The paw was you have to pick the three starters before you continue on your journey and since Anthony loves snakes (*cough persona is a snake cough *) He closed snivy (♀️) because of it. She's the most intelligent and sassy of the bunch

Sixth spot he purposely left open because someday...he will catch shadow (Darkrai) the same pokemon that gave him nightmares and haunt him for most of his life in sinnoh. Why? That info is currently unknown and he's determined to find out why

[hinamie]

thank u canon plant nerd megumi for my life

bonus:

[fantasykiri5]

RIZ “THE BALL” GUKGAK EVERYBODY 👏👏👏👏👏

(Transparent vers under the cut)

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

Another Les Mis musical connection that's making me feral: Jean Valjean uses the same melody with which he sings to Cosette, "Believe me, / Were it within my power, / I'd fill each passing hour-- / How quiet it must be, I can see, / With only me for company"...

When he sings "You are free, / And there are no conditions. / No bargains or petitions! / There's nothing that I blame you for. / You've done your duty--nothing more" to Javert.

In my journey to map out the various leitmotifs in the show, this one really flung me for a loop because what does it meannnn?? This is the only time we hear the melody in the show, and it's applied in two very different circumstances, where the relationship Valjean has to the characters involved could not be more opposite. What connects them?? But I think I have it.

It's a reluctant release. Not of the people, but of his own desires regarding them. Let me explain.

Valjean very distinctly wants things from both Cosette and Javert, which he sings about on the rising part of the melody. With Cosette, he wants to be the center of her life: "Were it within my power, I'd fill each passing hour;" on the other hand, he desperately wants Javert to leave him alone. When he has Javert at his mercy, he absolutely does want to trade lives, which is why he sings it on the rising part: "And there are no conditions, no bargains or petitions." He does want these things--but he's letting them go.

And that's where the falling part of the melody comes in. In both situations, Valjean knows he can't have what he wants. So he gives up that desire. He accepts that Cosette wants someone else, and doesn't blame her for it ("How quiet it must be, I can see, with only me for company,"), the same way he accepts the situation between him and Javert ("There's nothing that I blame you for. You've done your duty, nothing more."). That's why immediately afterwards, he tells Javert his address, and why shortly after that, he prays that Marius be brought home to Cosette.

Cosette is his biggest security, and Javert is the biggest threat to his security. But in this little melody, he sets them free (Cosette metaphorically, and Javert literally). He acknowledges what he wants, and accepts that he can't have it, even though it hurts.

And if that ain't the most Jean Valjean thing, I don't know what is.

[dustykneed]

not a SINGLE day goes by where i don't think about that post with the photo of andrew's death grip on alex's waist. you know the one

(i have, regrettably, once again, lost the damn post. if anyone has any clue as to its whereabouts i would be much obliged if you could drop the link lol. but at the very least i had the presence of mind to download the photo so here yall go xDD:

[fluffytheocelot]

Diversity win! The werewolf and her girlfriend are autistic!

Sticking Carmen in stupid t shirts is so fun :)

Oh here’s the original shirts btw

[mycurrentobsessionis]

After the Happy Ending: Do They Stay Together?

I don't believe that Baxter and Jamie are "in love," per se.

I made a post the other day talking about Baxter's rigidity and tendency to assert control over his relationships, and one of the reblogs included in the tags that there is no way that somebody still has feelings for someone that they met 5 years ago. This got me thinking on the realism of relationships in OL and the way pacing plays into the perception of that realism. Objectively, the best written romance in OLBA is the one between Cove and Jamie. Their relationship is the most deeply developed, includes the most content, and is the best supported textually. Baxter and Derek, on the other hand, have approximately the same amount of content. I found myself somewhat disappointed with Derek's romance (though I intend to replay his a few times to see if I can get some more satisfying outcomes) as it felt less like the slow-burn I expected and more meandering. Baxter's, on the other hand, felt a lot tighter in terms of pacing, despite the fact that in terms of in-universe timelines, he spends very little time with Jamie.

What do I mean by this? I mean that the player perceives less time passing over the course of Baxter's route. Or, more accurately, there are less "slow" spots. For the rest of this analysis, I will be making the following assumptions:

I am assuming all possible Baxter-related content.

I am assuming order of play as recommended by the creators (a Baxter-run includes replacing the 5 base-game moments with Baxter's moments and in chronological order).

Baxter develops a mild crush on/interest in Jamie at the Summer Soiree in Step 2.

Baxter and Jamie form a romantic attachment in Step 3, regardless of whether they formalize that attachment or not (e.g., Jamie being at "crush" but not actually dating Baxter).

The interest/comfort indicator does not necessarily represent Jamie's feelings at the beginning of each step.

I will admit to burying the lede a bit here. If the question is, "Do I personally believe that Baxter and Jamie are in love by the end of Step 4," then the short answer is no. I believe that being truly in love requires time, effort, and patience, and I think that Baxter, with the shortest timeline in-universe, does not have the time to cultivate that kind of relationship with Jamie. Rather, the questions I want to answer, and the ones I think are more interesting are these: Do Baxter and Jamie believe they are in love? Why do they believe this? Is their beginning a relationship realistic? And, are they likely to last as a couple?

Before we begin answering these questions, I think it's important to clarify the timeline of their relationship. They first meet in what is presumably late summer of 2011, and they have an approximately 3-5 minute interaction that includes minimal dialogue. There is no contact until the summer of 2016, during which they form a romantic attachment wherein Baxter is romantically and sexually attracted to Jamie, and Jamie returns at least the romantic feelings and possibly sexual feelings. This relationship lasts, generously, 3 months, and realistically 2-2.5 months. During the relationship, Baxter attempts to impress Jamie, shows his best side, and is largely performative, though there is genuine affection for Jamie, who is generally kind, cheerful, and inclusive. The relationship ends in August, either amicably or dramatically, and does not resume until approximately August of 2021, during which they work together on the Eckert-Adam wedding for four days, followed by the two days after the wedding, during which they begin a romantic relationship.

So, let's start with the question of whether Baxter and Jamie beginning a relationship is realistic. Personally, I think yes. You have to consider that this is a fictional romance story, and thus there is some suspension of disbelief that is required. The trope of two people working on a wedding together and falling in love through the process of that is not an uncommon trope. If the best man and maid of honor can fall in love under those circumstances, I don't see why a planner and a member of the planning committee couldn't. Frankly, the plot of Step 4 alone would not be out of place if this were a Hallmark movie.

Then we must consider the circumstances. These are two young people who are currently attracted to one another and have been attracted to one another in the past. They have just spent several days working in close proximity under intense pressure and on an event that tends to evoke thoughts of romance and love.

In addition to these circumstances, there are personal factors involved. I will start with Baxter, as his character is more "stable" and less influenced by player choices. Baxter has significant attachment issues that lead him to form unstable, short-term relationships that he quickly abandons at the first sign of conflict, which is likely related to childhood emotional neglect (I elaborate on this topic in this post). This has led to Baxter suffering from extreme loneliness and self-isolation as a young adult, as he has, at this point, burned most bridges in his life. Developmentally speaking, Baxter should be seeking connections with other people at this age in his life.

Attachment issues, like Rome, are not built in a day. They occur over a lifetime of neglect. As a result, they often create habitual and reactionary behavior that takes years to unlearn. In Step 3, we see a few of these behaviors, such as in "Drinks." In this moment, Baxter makes a minor mistake due to sleepiness. Jamie attempts to comfort him and/or brush off the mistake as no big deal, while offering an easy solution. However, Jamie is unable to connect with Baxter at all or to coregulate. Instead, Baxter becomes emotionally dysregulated and runs through possible solutions that he can implement on his own before reluctantly accepting the necessary assistance but refusing to be soothed. Compare this to a similar moment on Derek's route where Cove and Jamie forget their wallets, Derek offers to make the purchase for them, and they can either accept his generosity or offer to pay him back. Unlike Jamie, Baxter's negative feelings (embarrassment and disappointment), which are otherwise completely normal and valid reactions to the situation, persevere far beyond what is normal.

The major difference between Baxter's attachment issues in Steps 3 and 4 is that he is semi-aware of them in Step 4. In Step 3, he has poor insight into his own behavior and is extremely sensitive to perceived rejection, which he anticipates and attempts to circumvent. Baxter engages in various cognitive distortions, most frequently rationalization and catastrophizing, that cause him high levels of anxious distress in relationships and make it difficult for him to continue them for very long and lead to him attempting to assert control over the relation. As @mistyscenter says here, Baxter engages in a behavior called impression management, wherein he is attempting to influence Jamie's, and others', perceptions of him through regulating and controlling the information they have about him. This is likely a subconscious process for him -- basically second nature -- and allows him to feel safe in the relationship.

As of Step 4, he has ended his relationship with his parents, which was likely defined by seeking love and approval through minimizing his own needs and emotions and managing theirs. What does this accomplish? It removes the relationship that reinforced Baxter's worst habits. As long as this relationship was maintained, Baxter would be caught in a feedback loop of being positively reinforced for conforming to impossible standards set by his parents. As he could not hope to actually conform to the standards set for him (Derek actually does something similar), he is instead rewarded for manipulating the information that he gives his parents and that is what is reinforced. While we don't know when this split happened, I would assume he did it around 2019, when he no longer relied on them financially. That gives two years for those behaviors to fade. The reason those behaviors flare up again in step for is, in layman's terms, a case of slipping back into old habits. In psychological terms, this is known as spontaneous recovery -- Jamie's unexpected appearance provides a trigger for anxiety, which leads to the old avoidance behavior (leaving the restaurant), which reduces anxiety, which reinforces the avoidance behavior, and essentially lights those old neural pathways up like a Christmas tree. This is why the increased insight is important. While Baxter has fallen out of some of his worse habits, he hasn't actually formed any new, positive coping mechanisms, which means that when he is distressed, he immediately runs for the familiar. It isn't enough to just know he has a problem -- he has to actively choose to change his response. Because 19-year-old Baxter spent so much time rationalizing what were actually unreasonable emotional responses to perceived rejection and abandonment, he was incapable of doing anything different. The older 24-year-old Baxter is capable of facing past mistakes and doing something about them, though it will likely take years to relearn how to self-regulate and connect with people in a positive way habitually.

So, what does all of this have to do with my questions? A lot, actually! Baxter will tell Jamie after the wedding that he often revisited his memories with Jamie in Sunset Bird and treated them as precious, particularly those involving Jamie. Memories are not like files on a computer -- they are unstable and liable to change each time we recall them. On either side of these memories are long periods of loneliness, isolation, and self-doubt. It is probable that Baxter sees these memories as a lighthouse in a storm, something that he heavily romanticizes and clings to for comfort, much as he does his memories with Qiu and Ren. He also later adds that Jamie was the most stable relationship in his adult life. There is also the point that Baxter engages in mild superstition (or magical thinking), such as assigning meaning to coincidence (repeatedly running into Jamie over the years). This is part of why I don't think they are actually in love -- at least part of Baxter's feelings are based on a romanticized ideal of Jamie. That isn't to say I don't believe he could fall in love with the reality, just that it will take time. It does, however, lend credibility to the idea that he would restart the relationship. It is important to note his timing. Jamie is back in town for 6 days, and if Jamie does not restart the relationship themselves, Baxter will. He, notably, does this on day 5. Why is this important? It's simple, really. Days 1-3 are spent reliving memories from the first time he and Jamie formed an attachment, likely triggering the dormant feelings he had back then. While this caused him negative feelings, such as shame, guilt, embarrassment, and self-loathing, nostalgia is also a hell of a drug. On day 4, when Jamie responds positively to the idea or them reconnecting, that eases his anxiety regarding their relationship. He will protest a relationship early on if Jamie attempts to begin before he has explained his behavior and properly apologized. However, Jamie is also leaving soon. While Baxter is no longer choosing to see relationships as finite and time-bound, it's probably hard for him to kick the habit entirely. For an example of this in Step 3, he makes several comments in "Mountains" about how "it will be over soon" and "I wish it wouldn't end." He has some semi-conscious anxiety that Jamie leaving will mark the end of his opportunity to re-establish their romantic relationship, something that he holds on a pedestal, and hurries to do so to avoid feelings of abandonment. Also hence immediately wanting to visit Jamie after the events of the game.

It's hard to list personal factors for Jamie, as so much is essentially headcanon. However, there are some common factors. The first is, again, nostalgia is a hell of a drug. They have revisited many moments in which Jamie likely has very positive associations. The second is that while Baxter is not necessarily their first crush/relationship, he is their first adult relationship and one that ended against their will. There are a lot of "what ifs" that go along with that, particularly if one tends to ruminate.

So, do I think that these two maintained feelings for each other across 5 years of no-contact. Well... kind of, but not really. I think that Baxter likely did carry a flame for the idea of Jamie -- i.e., the idea of being in a loving relationship with someone who accepts you despite your worse tendencies. Baxter probably ruminated on the relationship and romanticized it. If he didn't date in the interim, then that was the last positive, stable relationship that he, and he ended it prematurely. If he did... well, basically the same thing is true. Jamie is a little more complicated, but I think it would have been more a case of lacking closure, which they can get without dating him, if they so choose. For both, I think the nostalgia of an old teen romance does a lot of heavy lifting. I do think that with personal and situational factors in mind, it isn't a stretch to believe that two people who are attracted to one another would reconnect in this way.

These two probably believe they are in love for many of the reasons they chose to get together in the end. The next question is, do they last? It's left up to the audience what happens next, so let's speculate. What kind of problems will they face as a couple? Most likely it will be similar problems to what they've already dealt with. Baxter has a lot of bad habits to unlearn and currently his support network is severely limited. His primary support person is Jamie, which is a heavy burden to place on another person, and likely to put strain on the relationship. His friend group consists mostly of Jamie's closest friends from childhood, which means talking to them about any relationship issues would likely be uncomfortable at best and unproductive or harmful at worst. His personal support group is basically Xavier, with whom he is fairly friendly, but there isn't a lot of depth there at this time. His outreach to others is primarily spurred by Jamie's encouragement and assistance. What would help them? I think that most of all, regardless of their future as a couple, Baxter needs to participate in some kind of counselling to learn distress tolerance, develop healthy coping skills, and reframe his understanding of relationships. Couples therapy would likely help them both learn healthy communication and give them a safe place to discuss developing problems in the relationship, especially during stressful times. It's normal to have some conflict in a relationship, but that is also when Baxter is most likely to relapse. Knowing how to work through those problems before they crop up will prevent the relationship from breaking under pressure. Lastly, Baxter needs to develop a healthy support network that exists outside of Jamie and that is likely to survive should his romantic relationship fail. A relationship is like a bridge: you want both embankments to be strong and stable, and you want there to be a little give. If there is too much pressure (such as Baxter equating losing Jamie to losing his entire social circle), then it won't take much for it to snap.

[frobby]

I think rin is actually an early riser or at least was cuz he liked making breakfast for everyone but since demons are nocturnal his powers getting unsealed completely ruined his internal clock

[f-athr]

guess who’s read some more books >:)

[themyscirah]

Complaining abt Suicide Squad yet again but the fact that they have Waller exposing the alien community to space racist attacks and talking abt how she got to her position through deceit and being a terrible person and stuff is just. Ahsfiwueh JUST SAY YOU DONT KNOW WALLER.

Anyways literally the 3rd mission of the Squad ever (and the first framed as smth Waller picked and not orders from above) was the Squad discrediting and stopping a rogue vigilante who was only arresting POC and funneling white people into white supremacy groups (of which he was the most prominent member) in SUICIDE SQUAD #4. and it's explicitly framed as this mission being personal for Waller that she's hiding from the government bc its illegal like. Guys. Please why are we having her incite (space bc comics) racist attacks now

Also the whole "Amanda got her position through deceit and being a terrible person" NO. she KEPT her position through being shitty and playing complicated political games!!! She wasn't always that way like there is a difference and it is IMPORTANT ppl PLEASEEEE. In Secret Origins #14 we learn Amanda's backstory and she used to be a normal, caring person! Like even after she entered into working in government and politics she wasn't automatically morally bankrupt like please people. She was originally given control of the Squad by Reagan (*sigh* 80s comics...) to distract and get rid of her because she was so successful at pushing progressive social policy in Congress. Acting like she's this static pillar of evil is such a waste of her character and so fucking uninteresting and disrespectful to her arc it drives me MAD.

Like I am NOT saying Waller is all sunshine and rainbows, she fucking SUCKS (said w love <3) but like there's a human being there. It's a progression, she has a character arc like please, DC, please!!! They've fucked up Waller so bad and made her so opaque and uninteresting she can't even be the protagonist of her own story for fucks sake!

Like I don't know how many times I have to scream it until DC hears me or remembers but WALLER IS THE MAIN CHARACTER OF SUICIDE SQUAD. ITS HER BOOK. yet right now she's a cutout to be used as the villain wherever the writers please. Even in her book we get none of her perspective really displayed, no exploration of her thoughts with any kind of understanding of the role she traditionally has played and was made to play in the story.

[57sfinest]

also yall we need to step back from the harryvision and understand that kim, at his core, is a loser (affectionate) like everyone else. so much out there wants to portray him as limitless patience, great cook, super organized, good handwriting, nice tasteful living quarters etc and that's fun to contrast him to harry but well i am here to RUIN that we need to take off the du bois glasses and appreciate kim for the weirdguy that he is. he has horrific fits of road rage and harry genuinely fears for his life riding along with him and witnessing the generational curses this man is capable of unleashing upon the stupid little fucks that cut him off on the 8/81. he has never had the time or space or budget to learn to cook so he lives off deli sandwiches and butter noodles and the occasional grab-and-go fruit. he writes so much so frequently with such awful handwriting that he has invented a new form of shorthand and the moralintern is contacting him to create a cipher system for them. he has no resources to furnish and maintain a nice flat so it's like a slightly gentrified r/malelivingspace but with a table for his sewing machine and there's scrap fabric and thread and half-pinned half-hemmed pants strewn about the place. there are absolutely a bunch of shitty mockups of his old wirral character in the backs of his notebooks and he hasn't played it in years but if he ever picks it back up then his minmax high int high dex definitely-not-a-self-insert sidhe artificer is READY. everyone add your weirdguy kim thoughts NOW 👇

[sinful-karateka]

Sharing my first ever CK Reverse Bang entry!

This one was loosely inspired by conversations I've had with @asphodel-storm @baldwinboy5ive @carmendiazbian and @demetriandelibinaryboyfriends, I thought it was too good of a narrative route to pass up.

The way I was thinking it is that Kyler somehow miraculously lands himself an opportunity to become an IT intern (or entry-level, your pick!) at some rough-around-the-edges business that clearly doesn't do background checks. How will he sell the part? Does he actually know tech shit? Who cares! Kyler's got a job as an IT guy and he's The Guy for the job (apparently)!

@ckreversebang

[seaofthesoul]

🪷 The Lotus Flower in Mysterious Lotus Casebook 🪷

i. Growing Deep Roots

As noted by difeisheng, Li Xiangyi is an image more than he is a person. He’s the “symbol” and “beating heart” of the Sigu sect; “he embodies everything [the sect] stands for” and “has become one with every person he represents” in his role as a leader. As such, one might say he doesn’t exist as an individual who’s allowed the luxury of flawed, fluid humanity. Rather, he’s fixed into an object: a shield protecting those under his care, a mirror reflecting those he’s taken upon himself to be the champion for.  

While a heavy burden to carry, this identity as image is also shown to be brittle, hollow, like a hazy mirage which is more dazzling appearance than substance. Even Fang Duobing introduces Li Xiangyi to Li Lianhua by showing him a painting of his shifu — ink on a page, a person turned into a hero to be worshipped and idolated. 

Li Lianhua, over the ten years that pass after the Great Battle of the East Sea, works to plant and cultivate a new identity in the same way one might grow flowers. Li Lianhua forms deep roots and grows out of the mythical hero’s shell he’d been carrying as Li Xiangyi, thus developing an identity which is solid and grounding in contrast — an identity which involves “walk[ing] within a crowd instead of [soaring] above it.”

This shift from image to person is itself rooted in the lotus mantra (written by Buddhist Layman Pang during the Tang Dynasty) which Li Xiangyi first encounters after monk Wu Liao rescues him:

一念心清净 莲花处处开

The heart attains peace with a single thought; Lotus flowers bloom all around.

Although the exact timeline is left to interpretation, it’s implied that the lotus mantra operates as a catalyst of change for Li Xiangyi and that he changes his name to Li Lianhua after reading it. Now what is it about it that speaks to Li Xiangyi so deeply in that moment? As noted in 《 人間福報 》, the lotus mantra teaches us that a pure heart will result in an open and enlightened mind. One subtle, profound thought rife with compassion is enough for a person to glimpse Buddha in a flower, a leaf, a grain of sand or a speck of dust. In short, “if you can find peace within yourself, then you will find peace everywhere.” Perhaps Li Xiangyi, at his lowest point, finds solace in the prospect of stripping his life down to its very core and searching for purity, wisdom and peace within his troubled heart.    

By renaming himself 莲花/liánhuā lotus flower, Li Lianhua takes his destiny into his own hands; he empowers himself into reshaping his identity and laying down the foundations for the person he wants to become. Similarly to The Yin-Yang Master: Dream of Eternity which tells us that “names are the shortest spells in the world,” Li Lianhua’s new name functions as a spell which speaks a new him into existence. It’s a deliberate choice, a conscious attempt at breaking free from the suffocating shell Li Xiangyi was trapped in and become a person of his own choosing. 

The act of (re)naming notably also extends to Li Lianhua’s abode which he dubs 莲花楼 “Lotus Tower.” In addition to this significant choice of name, it’s interesting to note that Li Lianhua starts growing vegetables inside Lotus Tower when he’s left with nothing after his demise at the East Sea and is facing starvation. As such, his home is quite literally a site not only of self-sustenance and survival, but also of growth — a growth which requires hard work, patience and faith and nearly brings Li Lianhua to tears when his hopes are finally rewarded and the seeds he planted begin sprouting. The act of physically planting vegetables and learning to cook those vegetables speaks of a refreshing and grounding simplicity — of something disarmingly vulnerable and human after playing the role of a god-like figure. Li Lianhua has sweat on his brow and hope in his heart; he plants seeds, watches them grow and keeps himself alive by his own hands.

It seems it’s not only Li Lianhus’a home, but also his very person, which steadily grow into a lotus flower. Li Lianhua wears a variety of hairpins directly linked to the lotus, and the colour coding of his garments moves from the red he used to wear as Li Xiangyi to a lighter palette filled with greens and blues — colours which are more obviously linked to nature.

ii. Life Borrowed and Given Away

The lotus, both traditionally and within the drama itself, is closely connected to the theme of rebirth. On a literal level, the exotic lotus flowers of Cai Lian Manor grow directly from the corpses of the victims drowned in the pond, thus embodying life born from death. thawrecka writes in their story that Li Lianhua is “nothing but a lotus nurtured by a walking corpse, a body that doesn’t realise it should already be dead.” On a figurative level, the lotus grows in muddy water but blooms unsullied every morning, thus symbolising rising from a dark place and growing into something beautiful and colourful despite all the odds. The different stages of the lotus’ blooming can be taken to represent the beginning, middle and end of a spiritual path in Buddhism — a parallel to the theme of 趟/tāng taking a journey which underscores the drama in various ways.

Li Lianhua’s journey, more specifically, is that of a lotus being reborn. The soundtrack piece 《 一壶莲花醉 》 “A Pot of Lotus Wine” emphasises this connection in the following lines:

问一句莲花的悲喜 断一柄弃剑入青泥

I ask about the joys and sorrows of the lotus; A broken, abandoned sword is thrown into the mud.

Not only does Li Lianhua keep stressing at different points of the drama that Li Xiangyi is dead and all that is left behind is Li Lianhua; he even breaks his own sword Shaoshi at the end of the story, thereby physically reenacting a process of destruction—death—and rebirth. As Li Lianhua writes in his farewell letter: 

剑断人亡

My sword is broken, and I will be gone.

The significance of Li Lianhua’s action is further intensified here by the fact that the sword in the song is said to be thrown into 泥/ní mud, the site from which a lotus flower grows.

Considering that Shaoshi operates as a device embodying Li Lianhua’s character development throughout the drama, the fact that Li Lianhua decides to break it in the last episode should be taken as a key moment in which he chooses how his own narrative is going to end. Li Lianhua decides to kill for good the glorious image of Li Xiangyi which has become sullied with pain and regret in his heart, so that a simple, fragile peace can begin growing in its place like a lotus flower amidst the mud.

However, the tragedy of Li Lianhua’s narrative is that the rebirth he works to achieve for all these years is not his own to enjoy and never was intended to be. After the Great Battle of the East Sea, as Li Lianhua is reborn from Li Xiangyi and starts planting seeds all around him, he has already accepted that he’s nothing but a ghost, “wandering in the jianghu to close his loose ends and finally [...] vanish without a trace, not even a body left behind.” As mx-myth remarks, even the shift in his garment colours to an overwhelming amount of white as the story progresses makes it clear that he’s resigned to go and has “already started dressing for his own funeral.” 

The lotus flower symbolism permeating the narrative accentuates this bone-deep, unshakable resignation. While imprisoned by Jiao Liqiao, Li Lianhua is full of an aching, bittersweet fatalism when he recites a section of Guan Hanqing’s《 窦娥冤 》“The Injustice to Dou E”:

花有重开日 人无再少年 不须长富贵 安乐是神仙

Flowers will blossom again, But a man can never be young again. Seek not eternal wealth; You only need to be content.

Independently from the original meaning of the lines written by Guan Hanqing, the words seem to take on a sad, wistful quality when spoken with a bitter smile by Li Lianhua. In this scene, while the speaker reflects that rebirth occurs outside of themselves in flowers, they acknowledge that their own reality is one inevitably bound to end in old age and decay. Instead of looking forward to a bright future, the speaker doesn’t express any dreams nor ambitions and is only grateful that they’re alive this minute, this second, without any future prospects awaiting them. Perhaps a similar sentiment is reflected in the following lines from 《 一壶莲花醉 》 “A Pot of Lotus Wine”:

了了心事只 不负众生 而已

After settling my worries,  I just want to live up to all sentient beings.

Li Lianhua’s connection to the lotus flower, in fact, was always meant to be one of non-attachment. While Buddhism believes desire to be the root of all suffering, the lotus symbolises non-attachment due to being “rooted in mud (attachment and desire)” while “its flowers blossom on long stalks unsullied by the mud below.” This explains in part why the lotus is considered pure and noble. For Li Lianhua, this non-attachment takes on sorrowful connotations: it means that he stubbornly refuses to reap the seeds he sows and focuses his purest heart and will into ensuring those around him get to reap them instead. Non-attachment means allowing himself enough (a roof over his head, food on his plate) to survive, but rarely letting himself indulge in the precious luxuries of reciprocated love and care — of carefree joy and thirst for adventure.  

The ten years he lives after his first death at the East Sea are, for him, only borrowed time he didn’t deserve — borrowed time not dedicated to himself, but rather dedicated to others.

In many ways, Li Lianhua’s path effectively goes full-circle by the end of the narrative. When he and Di Feisheng reminisce about the moon they remember from ten years ago, they conclude that today’s moon isn’t any brighter than the one alive in their memory: rather, it remains constant, unchanged, as though the past ten years never existed as anything other than a short pause in the story, a coma, long enough for wrongs to be righted but not  for an already-dead person’s fate to be changed.

It’s interesting and particularly significant that the Styx flower (忘川花, from 忘川 “River of Forgetting” in the original Mandarin) is said throughout the drama to be the only thing capable of saving Li Lianhua’s life. In traditional Chinese culture, the Styx or River of Forgetting is part of the process of reincarnation; only by crossing it (and forgetting everything they’ve ever experienced and everyone they’ve ever loved) can a person finally reincarnate. For Li Lianhua, salvation through rebirth comes at a high cost — a price he’s evidently been ready to pay since the beginning, even if it means turning him into a ghost who must vanish from the story in order for those around him to grow and thrive further.

When Li Lianhua breaks his own sword to allow for rebirth, it’s not himself he’s saving. His sole purpose throughout his journey as Li Lianhua is to use whatever meagre strength he has left, whatever passion and drive are still alive in him, to save the world in any small ways that he can. He becomes a doctor who heals people; he looks for answers and solves mysteries to atone for the sins he thinks he has committed and rectify the mistakes he thinks he has made, so that those he has hurt can finally find peace and comfort.

The most powerful legacy Li Lianhua intends to leave behind by the end of the story has nothing to do with himself and everything to do with the people around him who he never truly admits he loves — the messy, imperfect world that’s caused him so much pain but that he nevertheless insists on saving with everything he has. 

Most strikingly, Li Lianhua chooses—whether consciously or not—to leave the life and future he’s renounced for himself to his companions Fang Duobing and Di Feisheng. The only traces he purposefully leaves behind live in them: in the Yangzhouman coursing through Fang Duobing’s body; the home, dog and recipe book he passes onto him; the worthy opponent he leaves for Di Feisheng to fight in his stead after he’s gone… 

Fang Duobing, by the end of the story, has grown into more than a disciple and a friend to Li Xiangyi/Li Lianhua: he himself has become the lotus flower bringing renewed life after Li Lianhua has left the narrative, thereby taking Li Lianhua’s legacy into a hopeful, vibrant future. As mx-myth mentions in their colour analysis, Fang Duobing notably wears bright pastel tones including a large amount of green/blue — a colour coding which emphasises Fang Duobing’s connection to spring and, by extension, new life and beginnings. “Life will always go on if there’s spring”; and so Fang Duobing’s youth, vitality and optimism can grow in the empty space left behind by Li Lianhua after he fades into the autumn of his life.

While Li Lianhua’s predominantly light colour palette might appear to align him with other characters in the drama who have left the past behind and are looking towards the future, Li Lianhua made peace long ago with the knowledge that he’s destined not to belong in that future. Just as the Lotus Sutra teaches us that “the inner determination of an individual has great transformative power” and “gives ultimate expression to the infinite potential and dignity inherent in each human life,” Li Lianhua focuses all his transformative efforts on creating a future which, despite having no place for him, will be fertile ground for the entire martial arts world to grow deep, healthy roots. In Li Lianhua’s own words:

幼芽生枝 新木长成 武林也一样 这未来如何 谁又能说得清楚呢

The young sprouts and the new trees grow. The martial arts world is the same. What does the future hold? Who can say clearly?

Should we say, then, that Li Lianhua’s story is one of sacrifice, self-renunciation and resignation — of drifting inevitably towards death as a flower carried by a stream? As he disappears on a boat and is asked where he’s going, Li Lianhua gives a response which echoes his first death at the East Sea in a way that feels entirely deliberate:

小舟从此逝， 江海寄余生

From now on I would vanish with my little boat; For the rest of my life on the sea I would float. 

How are we to understand a person being reborn simply so they can pass on that new life to others, and being convinced that their only true value lies in their death?

Perhaps, in spite of it all, we can find some small comfort in the knowledge that, no matter how sorrowful Li Lianhua’s fate, it’s at least one that he chooses — one that he has full control over, even poisoned and robbed of his life force as he is. As the lyrics of 《 一壶莲花醉 》 “A Pot of Lotus Wine” underline, “it’s just a matter of picking an ending that you like.” Perhaps that’s all that truly matters. 

wuxia-vanlifer makes an excellent point when asking: “What would be more tragic? That he never believed he was loved? Or that he did, but vanished anyway?” While I don’t have an answer to offer, there’s one thing I can say. Li Xiangyi, Li Lianhua — they live and die by love. They can’t conceive of themselves as anything other than a sacrificial tool because, for all that they pretend to be aloof and untethered, they actually love others—and the world—in a bone-deep, profound way they’ve never loved themselves. That love is not only the true driving force behind Li Lianhua’s character and the fate he chooses: it’s the beating heart of the entire drama.

“In this life, I have loved and I have been loved. That is enough.”

Shoutout to the following authors and bloggers whose brilliant words and ideas inspire me, as well as this gorgeous video 💖

ao3: @extraordinarilyextreme @thawrecka

tumblr: @difeisheng @extraordinarilyextreme @mx-myth @wuxia-vanlifer @xinyuehui

[demifiendcruithne]

today on digital devil saga 2 is criminally under-researched (aka crui is a nerd about a 20 year old game)

so i finally got the impulse/opportunity to test out something i've been suspecting for a while but have never seen any documentation on: dds2 has some form of STAB* mechanic with elemental spells for playable characters, based on their associated element (the one they resist + the one their unique gun combos use)

*for non-pokemon folk: STAB == same-type attack bonus. so for example, a chimecho (psychic type pokemon) using extrasensory (psychic type move) will deal more damage than a non-psychic-type pokemon with the same special attack against the same target

i have more tests i intend to make when i have spoons (i'm just grinding mantras for the superboss and noticed it while fighting wild narasimha because that hecker disables my berserker ring), but so far i've tested with my three active characters fulfilling the following:

are fighting the exact same narasimha who has no elemental weakness/resistance/etc (savestates were used and run multiple times; the rng is not fixed until a move is actually used, so i could get multiple data points quickly by making a new savestate every time i loaded it to advance the rng)

have 99 magic

are level 99

have no elemental boost or amp skills equipped

have no rings equipped that may affect damage, outside of boosting magic stat to 99 for consistency

use two different dynes; one of their associated element, and one not. the former consistently did more, and with repeated runs i cannot write it off as damage range.

under cut: many images; by virtue of being in endgame, these will have some spoilers for endgame in plain sight. if you're reading this and haven't gotten to the final dungeon, i highly recommend you go do that and come back later. once you've reached the final dungeon, you're safe to check it out.

(but seriously - i can't stop you, but i highly recommend actually. playing this game first. it's great)

if you're reading this, you've either gotten to the final dungeon or don't care about spoilers; in case of the latter, i'll do a quick explanation of our last party member momentarily. i have been a little misleading because they are. very much a BIG spoiler. but first - gale resists force, and does more damage with zandyne than bufudyne; likewise argilla with earth/teradyne/ziodyne.

(bufudyne was a random pick for gale because i had only five for omoikane reasons, but in hindsight it was a good one...)

now - for those unaware, this last party member's name is seraph. they're a fusion of two other party members both of said party members were associated with/resisted ice, and i'm near-certain that they also got the boost to bufu spells (i can check this at some point, i have a backup save right before endgame) the same way gale and argilla do.

but what's seraph's elemental affinities? no weaknesses, no resistances. so what does this mean here?

extra screenshots because the first agidyne was a high roll - literally the highest i've seen on a non-stab unboosted dyne against a narasimha. yet it's still clearly estranged from gale's zandyne and argilla's teradyne.

the other part? seraph's bufudyne does the same as gale's, and the same as argilla's ziodyne and their own agidyne, the same as expected without stab.

i'm not sure what else to say about this thus far besides putting a list of further tests to do eventually / get proper data for:

100s of attempts so it can be statistically analysed better. easy to code the data collection into seraph (my helper program, named after this seraph because. yeah), possibly more difficult to analyse but my partner got me into this game he can deal with the consequences (being asked to do data stuff) :v

including cielo and heat as well, probably after i beat satan and grind them up as a victory lap (in the mantras sense not the internment facility sense)

earlier save reloads for data for serph, sera, and roland - i doubt they'd be any different, but regardless

other elemental spells - both the basic and -la levels, the ma-s, the maxed out mantra ones, and the dances. is the boost approximately consistent?

does it affect combos? i believe it doesn't, same as amp skills and the like (and because i feel like i would have noticed by now), but will get data for both participants initiating

does it affect items? i feel like that's unlikely, but worth trying

is there a 'reverse-stab' for someone's weakness? i don't think so, but i'll get the data for free and if there's a trend i just got to test the ailment damagers for cielo

likewise, is the elemental boost innate like the gun combo elements? almost certainly. but it would be funny if equipping x resist made your x do more damage. and also not really that helpful?

does seraph get a boost on almighty? my first instinct would be yes, purely because of seraph's gun combo doing almighty damage; it's near-useless if you got reincarnate but still worth checking. and if so, does ragnarok behave differently from megido+/last word?

on that note, does seraph resist almighty? i... wouldn't be surprised - status only says no weakness, not no resistance, but almighty resistance tends to be invisible anyway (looking at you, devil survivor 2 that shows everything else) (you're fine just using as an example)

that would be a lot harder to test but if i get a party of seraph / someone with dragon ring / someone else with all maxed stats and just find something with megido+

anything else i might have forgotten

if you hack pyriphlegethon onto heat does it do more damage. i don't think i can test this one but i would. honestly be curious

but yeah. this is pretty cool, maybe i'll check for it in dds1 as well. if anyone else checks any of this out and makes a writeup or anything please ping me i have autistic hyperfocused on jrpg mechanics for over two decades :v

[snackugaki]

... my ass actually got like 6+ images deep before realizing i hadn't posted shit-- oops

my tmnt  iteration (where everyone made it past their 20s, splinter’s alive just old, venus is here, and they deserve some goddamn respite and shenanigans)

tmnt  iteration part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | part 8 | part 9 | part 10

tmnt  iteration omake 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11

lny visit 1 | 2

IDW spoilers below, teeechnically Mirage & Next Mutation spoilers too ig?

blah blah blabbering because that's one of the many things you can do on tumblr.com

bloopity bloopin, turtles all being traded on the black market as pets, medicine, or decor to be... "prepared". 'cept Jennika, keeping her IDW origin because it's badass and I like it. eco vigilantes freed them one fateful night, same night someone(s) stole some mutagen for a rival company to TGRI, boom collided in their getaway routes, away floated Venus just like in NM and some others who lalala may or may not be some mutanimals

playing mostly with coloring, Rise introducing markings is such a nice and refreshing change from the all sam green turtle, different bandana color turtles I grew up with. fanon taking that concept and applying it in conjunction with actual turtle colorings also scratches my visdev brain node just so

hm... still fiddling with their plastrons... Venus' and Jennika's are fine though

Leo

funky li'l ringed map turtle

can't see it but, he got them little ridgey-spikies on his shell

christ, I'm finding a way to attach Iris symbolism to him, either through markings or something else

Iris in hanakotoba is... basically all Leo; nobility, bravery, honor, courage, heavy samurai association

5'2"

Raph

McCord's or Amboina box turtle idk idk idk can't choose

stuck on coloring him with a scale mail feeling to match the box turtle photos I found

....I needa draw him beefier, he can stand to be beefier

5'6"

Donnie

literally just googled which turtles exhibit the highest INT, wood turle consistently listed plus some have funky geometrically patterned/shaped shells

tossing on how do the plastron coloring, really liking the dark spots on it

probably keep the lightened belly/inner limb coloring

...probably... lol idk

5'8"

Mikey

my perfect chonky boy, no notes except he (and his brothers) need plastron do-overs

and now i am stuck with the heart-on-his-sleeve marking

canon 2 my iteration it is done

he gets to be the slider this go round, if just 'cuz he's technically the first born (in terms of creating TMNT and its story and world)

let him have the fluttering, finger drumming on everything and everyone because he's bursting with "i love you" energy anyway

5'4"

Venus

"my pretty daughter" iykyk

sea turtle as per last couple iteration posts

cultivator instead of "shinobi"

"i aM ShiNObi"... guh, just, I dunno, the term "cultivator" wasn't really known back in '98 like that, but she had the medicine box, she worked to learn how to throw a fireball at Vam Mi, she was pleased at her progression when she defeated the counterspell from the staff of Bu Ki. that's cultivator shit right there.

she's still a pugilist more than a iron fan user

looks up to April like a big sister, speaks canto and hakka with her

cuz she's still a linguist scholar like in Next Mutation so duh she speak all the languages (to an extant, she has a lot of studying left to go after all)

the greenified hawksbill coloring is growing on me...

still needa futz more with the plum flower motif on her

also figure out her huadian situation or just scrap it idkidkidk

her bandana + 50% green coloring is also growing on me....

5'10"

Jennika

technically also ringed map turtle since it was Leo who gave her the blood transfusion

I like the idea of bringing her Blaschko's lines to the forefront post-mutation but just... it's a lot of stripes. and goddamnit I ain't even gonna go deep into much of anything with the comics I just... can't not world build rip me

6'0"

April

still so tickled at April being closer to the turtles' ages in these new reboots and fascinated how it's played out

...but mine is a clean 44 yo, so. (turtles in late 30s)

Laird originally conceived April as an asian woman in his notes, Eastman drew her as a biracial woman he was dating at the time (April Fisher) and... idk what to tell y'all, people are running around being mixed in this world all the time, Brooklyn got hella Jamaican/Chinese so there you go

can speak canto and hakka

April being a "weirdo" as I've seen mentioned in Rise can stay, I'm picking that, that's a great trait to her character, big fan of Poly Styrene, loved Rachel True in The Craft

where "weirdo" is just she's into alt subculture and being in New York... she got her hands everywhere in those scenes

She and Chu Hsi get to have the most shoujo fuckin' romance because it's cute

and she's still a living drawing which I'm changing around a bit being why she felt like a "weirdo" and leaned towards subcultures and the turtles, she did eventually begin to destabilize but Venus stabilized her by trapping her in a scroll so she could work on a solution. ...where she has a long, happy relationship with Chu Hsi in the painted world scroll because lol time dilation

saw somewhere on the hellsite that the tooth gap is passed around every iteration... so April gets to have it

5'7"

Irma

i'm not ashamed to say I just reupholstered Nadia from Russian Doll

87 Irma went through a lot so she can have some dry wit and humor and be fly as fuck, big hair, big glasses, and a big attitude

still besties with April

likes moths, they're just neat little guys with rabbit ears iykyk

there is a very specifc size of her hair I am battling to keep consistent the problem it never feels big enough

says "fuhgeddaboutit" and has yelled that she is, in fact, "walkin' here,"

... she might also have a little bit of Myrtle from AHS: Coven sprinkled in now that I'm thinking about it to sum her up

she knows somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody for any random thing you could want to try to find

all the delis and bodegas know her

discusses plot lines from soap operas with Splinter on weekends, they get heated

5'5"

... god all this and I was just gonna have them play spades and play a round of pickup street ball in silly little comics

[kisstoru]

LANI LANI LANI!!!!!!! what is your favorite brain fact :3 i’m so curious i love the brain tell me ALL ABOUT IT!!!!!!!

QUINN WHEN I SAW THIS ASK I SMILED SO BIG I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

my favourite fact is that mri scans can show whether you're in love :') (a scientific love test HAHAH) in this research journal that i read, the people who were in love had increased activity levels in the parts of the brain that are involved with reward and motivation etc !!!! there was a positive correlation between the activity levels and how long you have been in love for so the longer you've been in love, the higher the activity levels will be in your brain and vice versa ^^

trying to think of more facts that aren't boring ... oh !! your brain can generate enough electricity to power up a light bulb (around 12-25W !!) which i think is cool !!!! also when you're very drunk, you don't forget what happened the night before 😭 the brain simply doesn't form memories which is why you can't remember anything (makes so much sense i fear </3)

a weird fact is that it has a similar consistency of tofu which i can confirm ... it’s so squishy 😖 it is also fat :3 the fattiest organ in our bodies actually (made up of 60% fat)