#my weight loss secret is not crying into my stress eating

[realbadatpoker]

I've officially lost 30 lbs since I got this new job

I feel like that old place was killing me

[bigshymen]

sam sulek x fem reader🙏

Sorry for the long wait! This month has been a hectic one. (I hope you don’t mind the angst as well!)

SAM SULEK X FEM READER WHO STRUGGLES WITH BINGE EATING

sam sulek x fem reader

summary : after trashing your boyfriend’s, sam, car with food wrappers and take out containers from last nights binge, you were going to do anything you can to prevent him from finding out.

cw : binge eating disorder , disordered eating , exercise purging , over exercising , angst , comfort , fit reader , insecurity , hopelessness , addiction , swearing , lying , crying , unhealthy coping mechanisms

Shit.

Sitting in your boyfriends car, surrounded by empty wrappers and take out containers from the night before scattered thoughtlessly everywhere, that’s the final conclusion you came to. The guilt gnawing at your gut was worse than the compulsion to overeat.

You’ve been struggling with a binge eating disorder for as long as you remembered. The earliest memory of it that you could recall was during your school days. Stressful evenings after middle school, you were never good at math, turned into nights indulging into the snack cabinet and hoarding food with the aggression of a wild animal from the rest of your family in highschool.

The effects of this long term caused you to gain a considerable amount of weight which did nothing good for your situation. The loss of control you felt over your body led you to believe the only solution was to purge it all by the end of the day to gain some semblance of it. You considered laxities and puking but you knew they fucked up your gut beyond repair among other horrifying side affects.

You resorted to exercise purging some of the excess calories you would binge throughout the day. Finding comfort in being active you decided to take up strength training along side cardio nearing the end of high school, which is how you met your long time boyfriend, Sam.

Sam had been a diver. Extremely active and that showed through his extremely fit body. Your dedication to the gym caught his attention immediately and his passion and unrelenting drive to achieve his goal of becoming a bodybuilder after high school inspired you to work towards your goal of recovery, in secret.

Which, wasn’t sustainable by the way. In fact, you think it worsened the problem. This enabled more binging thinking you could always fall back on your cardio, but you can’t run away from a bad diet.

You wouldn’t dare burden him with your secret struggles with food. You were afraid he’d invalidate your disordered eating because you were in shape or he’d be disgusted and disappointed with your undisciplined habits. He wanted to be with the you that had a perfect body and a healthy mind, not the pig who can’t help but succumb to her glutinous thoughts.

It was a shadow that followed you around everywhere. Invisible to everyone but you.

After a shaky sigh, you wipe a few of the crumbs from the passenger seat of his car. You glance at your lit phone sat haphazardly on the edge of the dash to see a message from Sam, speak of the devil.

“Finished my workout. Lets eat out tonight😛🍴”

Eating out? Fancy. But knowing him this could be another Five Guys date again. His stupid little emojis distract you momentarily from the mess around you, but as soon as a smile lit your lips it was gone. You already feared binging alone, but with him around? You couldn’t risk letting him see the pig you are. You found little ways to avoid this like lying that you were full and you had eaten earlier, but you hating not spending time with him because of your own problems.

And he’d become increasingly unhappier with you eating before pre-scheduled days out and canceling last minute.

Panic grabs you again when you look at the clock and realize the gym is only 15 minutes away so you’ve got to haul ass. You snatch a plastic bag from the backseat and start stuffing the wrappers into it, hands trembling.

Can’t let him see it. Can’t let him know.

You tear a pack of wet wipes open in the glove compartment and start scrubbing at the food stains and crumbs. Every minute feels like a second slipping out of your reach. Entirety too fast. As you clean your mind races trying to conjure up a reply if Sam notices anything. He’s meticulous with his belongings, especially his little pride, his car. He’d definitely notice right?

The pressure mounts you like he’s over your shoulder crushing you himself. But that wouldn’t be so bad. Off topic, you need to get your head in the game girl. - spoken as just as your father would.

With 10 minutes remaining, you stop in a neighborhood on your route and toss the containers into someone else’s dumpster to their visible confusion.

“Sorry!” You hurriedly shout at them as you book it back into your car. Surveying the car, you concluded that it wasn’t perfect but it was passable. You stuffed the trash bag under the seat, hoping Sam wouldn’t find it, and continue driving to the gym, knuckles white on the steering wheel.

You pulled up just as he’s walking out, looking refreshed and energized. He spots you and jogs over, his smile widening as he gets closer. You force your own, your heart racing.

“Thanks for picking me up hon.” He hums, sliding into the passenger seat. As he leans over to kiss you, you hope he doesn’t smell the cheeto dust on you.

“Anytime.” You awkwardly get out, trying to sound casual.

As you drive home, Sam fills the silence chatting about his workout and some training techniques he’s trying. You nod along, your mind still preoccupied on whether you missed anything.

As you pull into the driveway, he gives you a curious look. "You okay? You didn’t answer my question.”

Snapping back into the present, you force another smile.

"Sorry, Yeah, I’m just a bit tired. Long day."

Nodding slowly, long bronze curls bouncing, and seemingly accepting my explanation, he accompanies you inside without anything further. You breathe a sigh of relief as you shut the door behind.

Crisis averted, for now.

You had a few hours before dinner, so you decided to lay on the sofa as Sam takes a shower to clear your head. As you lie your head on a soft blanket, you think about how close you came to being found out. You need to stop this, for both your and Sam’s sake.

After his shower, you find Sam in the kitchen, leaning against the counter top dressed for the occasion. He looks up, noticing you and smiles. "Ready?"

Noticing you hadn’t swapped out your comfortable clothes for something more.. boujiee, he gives you a small frown. “You aren’t going?”

You hated lying to him.

“I’m.. tired. Can we do this another day?” You breathed out after a long pause.

He looked at you with unblinking eyes, usually bright and nut-brown but the dimness of the kitchen casted a darkness above them, now appearing black. You felt a bead of sweat travel down your temple, your gaze flickering from him to the window.

He sighed before taking one hand from the counter and gliding it through his curls. Breaking eye contact for a second before resuming his laser-point stare.

“Did you eat earlier?”

“No.”

An unreadable expression now dons his unreasonably attractive face. He walks over to the large trash bin next to the walkway leading into the living room and pulls a familiar large trash bag from behind it. He opens it in front of you and a bunch of wrappers and fall out dramatically onto the ground, crumbs and all.

“We-we planned this days in advance. Why do you always do this?” As he reveals the extent he figured out, his eyebrows furrow in frustration. His pokered-face before now looked genuinely hurt as he was trying to wrap his head around why you kept avoiding going out with him.

the look on his face is a mixture of confusion and concern.

"What's going on?" His voice was always so gentle, but there's an almost edge of worry underlying his words that made you nervous.

Your eyes felt like they were burning and a familiar feeling of pressure building up in your chest showed your body knew what you were going to do before you knew yourself. Your cheeks felt wet and before you knew it, tears were streaming down your cheeks.

You had burst into tears. "I'm sorry, Sam. I didn't want you to find out like this."

Immediately abandoning the garbage bag, he pulls you into his big arms. “It’s ok, just talk to me.” He reassures, not angry but confused.

Through violent sobs you decided to tell him everything. The binge eating, the shame, and the guilt. The weight of the secret pressed on you as if you were being suffocated.

“Sam,” You began, voice trembling, “There’s something I need to tell you.”

He listens without interrupting, silent. The sensation of his hand rubbing circles into your back soothed you.

Trying to gather your thoughts you finally decide, here goes.

"I've been struggling with.. binge eating. It started in middle school during those stressful nights when, you know, I kept failing math-“ you couldn’t help but stifle a laugh because of how stupid you thought you sounded-“and I felt like I couldn't keep up. I would sneak downstairs after everyone went to bed and eat whatever I could find. It felt like the only way to feel better."

You felt his embrace tighten around and take the opportunity to close your eyes and fully encapsulate your face into the warmth of his boulder shoulder, happy and disgusted at the tears and snot your smearing all over his nice dress shirt.

“A-and it spiraled out of control in high school. I began exercising to try to reduce the damage.. and then I met you. I meant to tell you but-but I was terrified of what you would think of me.”

When I finally finished, he holds your face up gently so you’re looking into his deep eyes. "I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this alone. I don’t even think I could not love you, especially for something like this. And we're a team, okay? We'll figure this out together."

You were so lucky to have him, you thought as you lean your head into his large hand, feeling newly matured tears run down your face again while you apologized about making a mess of his shirt.

Surprised, a smiling Sam hurriedly wipes them with the back of his hand while he reassures you that it’s completely fine.

[i-write-boop-spoops]

Steven Stone Fluff Alphabet

To go along with my NSFW Alphabet, I decided to do some fluff for my favourite rock nerd. Hope you enjoy!

A = Activities (what do they like to do with their s/o? how do they spend their free time?)

He loves being outside with you, going for hikes, walks and sea swims. Likes to learn with you too, wandering around museums and discovering new things about science, history and culture.

He probably won’t take you mining unless you’re really into it, it can be quite tedious and dangerous, but he loves when you help him polish stones, or help make them into decorations or jewellery.

He has a soft spot for lazy days where you two are draped across his couch watching trashy reality TV shows and fun, animated films

B = Beauty (what do they admire about their s/o? what do they think is beautiful about them?)

Likes how kind and caring you are, not only to him, but to his Pokemon and almost everyone else.

He thinks you’re beautiful in every way, but he in particular thinks your eyes sparkle like the rarest, most precious gem he has ever seen.

C = Comfort (how do they help their s/o when they feel down? what makes them feel better?)

Steven is a little oblivious, so you might have to tell him that you’re down, but as soon as he knows, it’s his mission to cheer you up! Lots of kisses and cuddles, your favourite meals delivered, a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen. If you’re sad due to an insecurity, he will wax poetic about how amazing that part of you is to him.

If you’re very stressed due to work or school, and you finally have time off, he’s going to whisk you away to a sun-drenched beach in Alola, the finest room in Hotel Richissime in Lumiouse, or his gorgeous villa by the Batte Zone in Sinnoh (provided he hasn’t given it to some ten-year-old yet lol) to help you unwind and enjoy yourself.

When he’s down, he needs reassurance, and lots of physical affection. He might also throw himself into his work/hobbies to an extreme degree, skipping meals and sleeping little, so you’ll have to ensure he gets fed and a good few hours of sleep until he starts feeling better.

D = Dreams (how do they picture their future with their s/o and in general?)

He would love a little family with you, a couple kids running around, maybe in Mossdeep, but he’s down with moving inland, or to your home region if you’re not from Hoenn, if you would prefer.

He definitely dreams about kissing you goodbye and ruffling his kiddos’ hair before he goes to work. Since his mother died when he was so young, he never really got to experience the classic nuclear family, so he longs to provide it to his own children.

He’d like to go back to college too, get his Masters and maybe PhD in Geology and work in that field. He really does not want to be involved with the Devon Corporation, so he hopes he can work with it as little as possible

E = Equal (are they the dominant one in the relationship or are they rather passive?)

I would say your relationship is equal for the most part, the only thing that tips the scales in Steven’s favour is his wealth and connections. He can get you things or into places that you, as a regular person, wouldn’t be able to at all otherwise.

He doesn’t hold this over your head, he finds people who do that rather gross, and he’s not your sugar daddy either. He does spoil you sometimes, but that’s just one way he expresses his fondness for you.

F = Fight (how quick are they to forgive their s/o? what are they like in an argument? who says sorry first?)

Steven is a reasonable man, so I think once he’s calmed down and thought about it more, he’s ready to forgive you if you’re sorry, Now, this all depends on the nature of why you were in the wrong, if that’s the case. He will let small things slide, and is willing to compromise on bigger things, but if you do something like cheat on him, he will never forgive you.

When he is in the wrong though, he will own up to it, your relationship is more important than his pride.

He doesn’t go for cheap shots or low blows, and he only raises his voice if he is really pissed. If this is before you live together, and the fight occurs at his house, he will get you to leave, but makes sure you get home safe.

G = Gifts (what kind of things do they gift to their s/o? are they spontaneous or do they stick to special events like anniversaries?)

So. Many. Rocks.

Seriously, your shelves will be filled with amethyst clusters and pretty pebbles. Some of this rocks will be jewels encrusted in some stellar accessories.

Beyond that, he’ll get you things he thinks you might need. Complaining about your coffee maker? He’s just gotten you a top of the line model with a prepaid subscription to receive new pods full of expensive Kalosian coffee every month for the next five years. Need a new bag? He’ll have one that costs double your rent shipped to you by the end of the day.

His gifts are expensive and high quality, but he does not buy you them for the sake of flaunting wealth. He just thinks you’d like them.

H = Heart Eyes (what are they like in love? is it obvious to others? how do they express their love? do they brag about their s/o to others?)

Steven feels like nothing can bother him. His smile is wider and his eyes sparkle whenever he thinks of you. He compliments you all the time and gives you lots of tender kisses and touches, spoils you a bit too. He doesn’t really brag, he thinks your amazingness stands for itself.

I = Impression (what first attracted them to their s/o? how accurate was their first impression to how their s/o actually is?)

He just thought you were very pretty when you first met, very sweet and cute. Evidently he was correct :)

J = Jealousy (do they get jealous easily? how do they deal with it?)

Steven rarely gets jealous. He’s not an arrogant guy in any way really, but he is confident in himself and in your relationship.

Things like money, power or status don’t threaten him, but appearance, particularity musculature, does. Steven’s quite the lean, slim guy, and sometimes he thinks he might not be strong or masculine enough for you, no matter how much you disagree. It honestly made him hurt a little when you jokingly called Leon, the Galar champion, a himbo.

When he is jealous, he gets a little stiff, he frowns, he holds onto you a little tighter if you’re around the person who makes him jealous. When he’s alone, he laments about it.

K = Kiss (are they a good kisser? what was their first kiss like? where do they kiss the most?)

Steven is a suave, smooth kisser, each kiss makes you feel like you’re the most precious thing in the world.

Your first kiss with him felt right, he gently cupped your cheeks and kissed you slowly in a manner that portrayed exactly how he felt about you.

He likes to kiss your cheek and forehead, and sometimes your knuckles if he’s holding your hand.

L = Little Things (what are the little things they love about their s/o? are they attentive?)

He loves how kind you are, loves how you treat his Pokémon like each one is the cutest ever, even if they are decidedly not cute. He likes how you look after him, making sure he sleeps and eats, showing up to his house randomly with treats or just to visit him. He really appreciates it.

M = Marriage (do they want to get married? how do they propose? what would the wedding be like?)

Making you his spouse would make him so happy!

His proposal would be very intimate, a night time picnic, either stargazing, watching fireworks or a meteor shower. He’d turn to you, with a soft smile, and tell you exactly how much you mean to him, and how much he loves you. Then, he would take out a small velvet box and ask you to marry him. The ring would be jaw-droppingly ornate, with your favourite gem in the middle.

The wedding would be intimate too, very swanky, with geode centrepieces and formal attire. He’d ultimately like to hold it in somewhere like Reflection Cave, but he’s down to hold it in a castle or hotel otherwise, with nice gardens of course.

N = Nicknames (what do they call their s/o? what do they get called?)

He calls you sweetheart, darling, love, my gem.

You call him Stevie, babe and dreamboat. Sometimes rock nerd or dork if he’s going on about geology.

O = Open (do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? is it easy for them to share?)

He’s pretty open, once you two have been together for a good while. He trusts you enough to tell you his insecurities and darkest thoughts, like how he feels burdened by the weight of his responsibilities, how his strained relationship with his father affects him, or how he still has trauma regarding the loss of his mother.

Just make sure to give him a big hug after he tells you, ok?

P = Pancakes (are they a good cook? how often do they cook for their s/o? breakfast in bed or fancy dinner dates?)

Steven cannot cook to save his life. He never needed to learn, they had a personal chef at home when he was growing up, and when he was older he would go out for food or get it delivered all the time. This continues when you get together, he always insists on paying.

That being said, he’s definitely up to learn, especially if you teach him, or if you can’t cook either, he’d love to learn with you.

Q = Quirk (a random quality/ability that is beneficial to their relationship.)

Steven has a super gentle, super careful touch, which means he gives the most amazing scalp massages. You have no choice but to melt when his fingers are caressing your head.

R = Romance (how romantic are they? are they cliché or creative?)

Extremely romantic, more elegant than corny. He wants you to know how beautiful and amazing you are, and he wants to put in effort to prove that point.

S = Sleep (who falls asleep first? do they need their s/o close to them? do they have any bad habits?)

You do usually, he likes to watch you snooze before he falls asleep. He likes to have you close to him, but he can sleep without you just fine, not waking up next to you is really more of a pain to him.

For bad habits? Steven has a tendency to lose track of time and go to bed very late. It can be frustrating when you need a good cuddle before bed, and when you have to deal with a barely-conscious, sometimes grouchy Steven in the morning.  

T = Thrill (do they need to spice up their relationship with new things or do they stick to a routine? how often do they do new things?)

If Steven wants to go somewhere or do something, he does because he has the luxury to. So when it comes to new experiences, like visiting somewhere new, trying a new activity, and you both want to go there or try it, he will have it organised straight away.

He only really has a routine when league business is in full swing, and when he is no longer champion, anything goes. Though if you have a routine, he will work around it.

U = Unity (did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? what traits do they share?)

Steven, due to his wealth and connections, had a habit of dropping everything to go on trips or rock-hunting whenever he felt like, which was detrimental to many of his relationships, mainly because he wouldn’t notify people before he left.

You, however, have taught him the importance of taking other people’s feelings and opinions into account. You’re so attentive with him, and in turn, he learns how to do just that with all the important people in his life.

You’re both kind people, who care deeply about each other and Pokemon

V = Value (how important is their relationship to them? what is it worth compared to other things in their life?)

At the beginning, the relationship is just a luxury for him, something he enjoys, but not something he needs in his life. But the longer you two are together, the more important you and your needs become to him.

You definitely become his point of focus, your happiness is his goal. He doesn’t stop engaging in his hobbies and interests, but he does do so in a manner that disrupts your relationship the least.

You are his rock, the love of his life, and he puts you before everything.

W = Wild Card (a random fluff headcanon.)

Cried while drunk at his Bachelor Party because he just really wanted to be married to you already and he could not understand why he had to wait to do so.

X = XOXO (do they like to kiss and cuddle? are they upfront about their relationship or rather shy when in public?)

Steven is quite affectionate at home, lots of soft kisses, hugs and long cuddles.

In public, his displays of affection are very elegant and appropriate. He wants you to know he loves you and finds you beautiful, even when in public. He likes to hold your hand, or rest his on your hip or the small of your back.

Will kiss your lips as a greeting or to say goodbye, but will mostly stick to occasionally kissing your cheek or forehead when you’re out.

Y = Yearning (how do they cope when they spend time away from their s/o? do they miss their s/o?)

Steven really starts missing you when there’s no way you can be together, like when he’s abroad and/or working. Usually during these times, he texts frequently and calls you at least once a day, provided he’s not stuck in some cave. He likes to gaze fondly at pictures of you, planning how he’ll make it up to you when you reunite

Z = Zoo (do they have pets? do they want some in the future?)-

Of course! He is/was a champion after all, so he has his pokemon team, plus some random beldum floating around. You treat his like your own, and vice versa, so it’s a very happy household.

[creaturebehavior]

all i’m ever thinking is, i understand Amberlynn Reid so much.

i don’t blame her for saying she has an eating disorder and never getting her shit together

yes at times she has claimed her channel is a weight loss channel, but other times she has stated that it’s just a vlog channel where she documents her life.

as someone who has an eating disorder and is in recovery for drug addiction … I have said this before and i will say it again. Recovering from an eating disorder, in my experience, has been way harder than recovering from drug addiction. and i was so fucking ridiculously hooked on drugs.

if you don’t have an eating disorder, you just can’t understand the ways in which we protect our eating disorder. you can’t understand the ways that it lies to us, makes us delusional, makes us defensive, makes us secretive.

i am terrified on a daily basis about the gravity of my eating disorder. i feel helpless, and often i feel hopeless. i feel defeated. i feel stressed. i feel baffled. and i continue to protect it, i continue to refuse to get help, i continue to hold tightly onto the eating disorder and it feels like i’m doing this against my will. i can’t handle how desperate my eating disorder makes me feel, so i dissociate and i continue with the ED behaviors despite myself and despite everything else.

i want to cry because it’s terrifying watching myself. it’s scary. it’s overwhelming. i talk about some of it, i mention some in jest and i mention some in seriousness to friends, but i have never admitted all of what goes on behind closed doors.

it feels similar to a trauma bond. nobody knows what happens, other than me and my eating disorder.

i know i am not the first person to say this, but the eating disorder feels like another entity. it feels like a person. it feels like there is someone else inside me, dictating my behaviors and my thoughts around food and weight.

i’m upset right now i’m exhausted and frustrated. i can’t believe this is my life.

[prettieparker86]

The Ghost of You is Close to Me

Pairing: Tommy Shelby x Reader

Warning: Sadness? set pre-WWI

Note: I’ve been trying to find my writer’s voice again. It’s felt lost and so far away from me. I still don’t feel it’s back per say. My previous characters still feel foreign to me. But when I feel the urge to write now, I try to listen. Not quite sure what this is. Watched a WWI movie the other night and this sort of rushed out of me like a flood, so I let it pour. For this I really tried to imagine what Tommy was like before the war based on the little pieces we've gotten from the show. And I wanted to explore the idea that she sensed he'd never come back, which in a way he didn't. His body did, but not the Tommy from before.

I’m not super well versed in the Romani culture and what knowledge I gained in the past feels mostly lost, I apologize. I was trying to find the word for horse, Grast was the closest I could. As with cozonac. I’m not sure if it’s really a traditional food. My research said it was. I’m trying my best. My intention is not to offend. Feedback is always appreciated. Thanks

Don’t know what I’m suppose to do, haunted by the ghost of you.

It only takes the sight of him to send you running. As fast as your horse can take you, holding tight to the notion that as long as you never stop running then he never leaves. You hide away to the place you would always run to as children. Back when Tommy's mum would drag the whole Shelby brood up into the hills, running away from her pitiful life in the city and Arthur Sr.

Its a grove of trees overlooking a deep fertile valley, the spot where you use to steal away as children. Long before you knew adults could run away from their grief as easily as little ones, and there was no mistaking it, you were running. You secure your horse to a tree branch where she can nibble away on the overgrown grass encircling the base of trunk, and settled atop a rock that's yours as much as it is the earth's. A rock that has only grown smaller over the years as you've grown bigger. Your family comes to this hills nearly every spring. As a child it never seemed different, now all you see is the changes.

Everything changes, this you know, but you swear if you just sit there long enough this change won't find you. It wont be so. Tommy wont leave. You're oldest companion. Your dearest friend. Gazing out at the valley blanketed in a tapestry of green hues, shadow and light, as the overcast sky moves above you - you tell yourself he isn't leaving. Even though the steady ache in your heart makes it feel like he's already gone. You miss him, before he's even left. You miss him... The words echo through you in shuddered vibrations that sting at your eyes, even worse at your heart, as a rogue tear manages to break free and make a run down your cheek before you briskly swipe at it.

You can't imagine him not being there. Being unreachable to you. You cant imagine not listening to Tommy's thoughts, his sparks of creativity, or the way he can make you laugh. You cant imagine him not being there. The hole he will leave, the one already opening up inside you feels unbearable, sickening, and you just want it to go away. Who will be there when you need someone most? Who will convince you things will turn out ok or you should keep fighting even when neither feel true? Who will know you? Who will see you? Really see you and genuinely care? You never felt you took his friendship for granted, never mistakenly felt there were others who could fill such big shoes, and yet now, as the chill of a breeze sweeps by you, sending goosebumps to prickle on the flesh of your arms, you wonder if you cherished that gift enough. You wonder if it meant the same to him and if he will miss you as deeply once you're gone.

You try not to think about it. You've been trying not to think about it since you received word Tommy had enlisted. You've kept yourself busy, both in mind and your hands. Filling the moments whenever he would start to creep in. But in the end its pointless. Because the more you try not to think of him, try not to miss him... The more you do. Its like trying to stop the rain by shaking your fist at the heavens. Futile and maddening. You see him when you're with the horses, whispering and enchanting them the way only his tongue and heart can do. You see him in the glow of a campfire where he'd often gets lost in his thoughts, scribbling them down or creating a loose sketch. You see him in the charming smirk of a young man, or a joke he once told you. He's everywhere. Inside you. A part of you. And denying that never made it less true.

And the thought of living without him feels terribly sad and lonely in a way your heart feels pathetic to admit and yet hopeless to reconcile. It isn't any place you want to be and yet you also have the sense to understand you have no say in that. You feel immersed in the overwhelming ache of your heart, the one that's been plaguing you for days now, when you suddenly hear the stir of your horse behind you. You glance back and watch as she pawns happily at the earth beneath her hoofs, snooting and pawing at the ground as Tommy appears nearby. She loves him. They all love him. You've often teased he's more horse than man and no one notices that more then the horses.

Tommy meets her joy with firm pats along her neck and gentles strokes to her mane and nose. "Hey girl" He greets.

Seeing him standing there both fills your heart with joy and deeper sorrow. Lean and strong, his hair tousled from his ride over, with those piercing sapphire eyes that cut you like a knife and see right through you at a glance. The sight of him like an old beloved quilt, comforting and well known, now tattered and tore as he rips from your life.

"Little bird", he says as your eyes meet. A name he gave you so long ago you cant even remember how it came to be.

"Grast", you answer back.

"How did you know I would be here?" You ask as you look away, not wanting him to see the turmoil brewing in your eyes the way you know he will.

Tommy shrugs easily, "Just knew." Just knew because he knows you, in a way most will never get to know you. Same way you trust in the way you know him and the ways he's shares himself with you.

When Tommy comes to sit beside you, it takes every ounce of willpower not to hug him desperately, beg him to change his mind, beg him not to go, but you don't, because you're sure it won't change anything.

"You heard," Tommy says, the grit of his breath stressing the weight of his words.

"You're a damn fool, Thomas Shelby. What did the crown ever do for us?"

He chuckles lightly to the fire on your breath, the bite in your words and you can see in his eyes he knows they only come from a place of love and concern for him.

"They need fighting men to win a war. " He tells you, as he pulls a cigarette from his breast pocket and strikes a match. Telling you things you both already know. As if it were that simple. As if the need for more men didn't come from the loss of the ones they have.

"Well then I oughta sign up. I can fight." You carry on as you snatch the cigarette hanging from his lip. Allowing yourself to feel the anger this situation ignites inside you, because anger feels far more powerful and safe than heartache and fear.

"ey, god help any man that stands between you and your cozonac." Tommy teases you, the crook of his mouth curling as he await your reprisal. Knowing your tales of blunder and greatest mishaps better then anyone. Your stories are his stories, your journeys connected.

You gasp in mock offense. "He would have eaten it all! Fistin’ it down like the whole roll was his!"

"A good stab of your fork put an end to that, didn' it?"

"He shouldn't have been so greedy." You feign defense and tug hotly at the cigarette, fighting back the smile pulling at the corners of your mouth to match Tommy's devilish grin. A battle you quickly lose as he elbows your side and snatches back his smoke before you jab him back. And just like that you aren't mad anymore. That's something only Tommy can do, make you laugh when you want to cry. Because he knows you... your dearest friend. The keeper of your secrets, biggest fears, and dreams. It's a gift to be known. An even bigger gift to be known and cherished for who you are. You never thought it wasn't, but you didn't realize how much you needed that gift until it was being taken away.

You both grow quiet against the steady decent of the sun at your backs. The low crinkle of burning paper fills and hovers in the space around you both as his cigarette burns down, subtle like the smoke dancing in swirls past his lips. Its the quiet moments that haunt you now. The hours and space he once filled in your life. The echoing loneliness that you know will only expand and grow in his absence. Those hours eat at you, devour you. Gnawing away until you feel raw and desperate to make them stop, because you swear you can't take another moment in that place. Only this time you know it wont stop. There will be no reprieve, no mercy, your best friend is leaving and you can't stop him. And when he's gone, this- This torturous way of existence, with its crawling of time, absence of joy, and echoing loneliness, it will fill the space his light once illuminated in your life. Like thick dark clouds rolling in over the backcountry hills to settle in around you and call you there home.

Tommy has his reasons, none more then Greta you suspect but you cant help but feel he's choosing the war over you, that he's abandoning you, as preposterous as you know that notion is. But there's nothing logical about missing someone. You can't reason it away with facts and rationality. And it doesn't care that it feels like it's killing some part of you. Nobody tells you missing someone is a physical sensation, a state of being above all else - like an empty or upset stomach, like a punch to the chest or falling off a horse that leaves you winded. It's not merely a thought and it's more than an emotion. You feel it in your bones, the tight hollows inside you, the vibrating ache of longing, the chill that settles in under your skin.

Sitting quietly side by side, you rest your head upon his shoulder. All the girls love Tommy, they always have. With his charming smile, deep set eyes that reach into the soul with a glance, and his devilish humor, its easy to see why so many would be drawn to him. And there was a time even you were too, but there was always too many things in the way and what you've built instead is deeper and more intimate because its not bound to the fickle confines of romance.

Closing your eyes, you can see it all so clearly in your mind. Replaying like a reel at the pictures... Wading in knee high murky pond water and reeds in search of frogs to catch. Covered in filth from head to toe as you battled on rain soaked mud hills with John to see who would be crowned king of the mountain. Sneaking off with mum's herbs and spices into the woods to craft witches brew and cast magic. Building campfires from dried old birch tree branches by the moonlight, to bathe in the scent of it, and tell old spine-chilling tales. Gazing up at the stars on warm summer night, seeing who could count the most. Lying awake late at night by candle light trying to read each other's mind. Hiding in the haystack to terrorize Arthur and any unlucky girl he tried to steal away with for a moment alone. Dragging you off to your first pub in Birmingham and knocking some bloke on his ass when he tried to get handsy. Trying to teach you to drive on slick muddy streets, as you swore at him like a sailor when he wouldn't stop laughing. The keeper of your deepest secrets as you are of his. The person who tried to offer you hope in your darkest moments and celebrated you greatest success. Who genuinely listened to you and sought out your thoughts on matters. The person you trusted most with the innerworkings of your heart and mind. The one you trusted would be there.

All of it feels like yesterday. The memories still fresh and vivid. The thought there wont be more to make constricts your windpipe, tightens your heart, as tears you couldn't possibly hold back any longer fill dangerously to the brim of your eyes... You don't know how to do this. You don't know how to live this. You don't know how to say goodbye to him. To let him go. Watch him disappear from your life. And the truth is... You don't wanna know. You don't want to say goodbye. And a part of you feels hurt this seems so easy for him, though you don't actually know it is. And the part of you that knows Tommy's heart, suspects it isn't so easy for him to say goodbye to you either.

The thought you might never speak to him again leaves a frantic feeling trying to rip free from your chest. How do you find peace when you long for someone still there but just beyond your reach, drifting further out to sea by the moment? How do you let them go when everything inside you screams to pull them back in? The tears feel warm as they fall down your chilled cheeks onto the shoulder of his jacket. He can't see your tears, but you swear he can feel them as he pats at your knee in an old comforting gesture you've grown to trust will be there. As Tommy pulls away, you fight with the urge to rapidly wipe away your tears and keep your pride. But as your eyes meet, you realize there's no room for pride here. Staring into his eyes you fear the silence that's already invading the space he holds.

But then he touches your face and you remember to breathe. Though his hands are rough from work, the pad of his thumb feels soft, full, and steady against your skin as he gently wipes away at the tears fallen on your face.

"I'm coming back." Tommy promises you, and you want to believe that more then you've ever wanted to believe in anything. That he will return to you. But you've heard the news of the war, the dyer news that continues to abound. And something deep and sharp within you whispers it isn't true. He isn't coming back, and that quiet piercing whisper radiates more loudly within you then the words on his lips.

"Let's make a fire," Tommy suggests as he gives your knee a final pat. You can see in his eyes he's trying to mend your heart, soften the blow. A solemn smile of acknowledgment creeping around the corners of his mouth, as if anything in the world can be solved by a stiff drink or roaring campfire.

You nod in agreement, there's nothing the dancing flames, glowing embers, crackling branches, and heady smoky aroma can't clear from your mind. Nothing like bathing in a campfire to wash your mind and soul clean.

You rise from the rock in slow unison. You gaze across the rich fertile valley below as it slowly descends into darkness all around you. Vibrant greens from early now turning to deeper winter tones as night begins to envelope all that you see. This place you know. This man you know. As you turn back to Tommy, watching as he moves past the horses.

Your eyes fall closed for a moment as you call to him. You pray he can hear you. The way he use to when you were children lying awake late at night, pretending there was magic between you. "Dearest friend... I love you and perhaps I always will. I see you're headed on a road, and I don't know where it leads, but you will take a part of me with you. It's been yours a long time. I hope you remember its there, I hope you protect it and treasure it. But I won't stand in your way, because that's what it means to love someone more then yourself." You whisper to him, not with your lips but from that place in your heart that already belongs to him. The one he gets to keep. You embrace the truth that your world will never feel the way it did before. You will never feel like you did before. That a part of you dies with him as he slips away. You acknowledge this new reality for what it is, whether you know how to live it or not, whether you even want to.

You take a deep breath and slowly open your eyes.

He's gone.

[spacegaywritings]

Imperfect Phoenix (Oneshot)

 Marinette x Kagami(MLB). Commission for  @wombatking​

 Summary: Kagami’s perfectionism does not allow for breaks, weaknesses.. When she meets her body’s limits, she is reminded of how much she needs to look out for herself - all thanks to her lovely girlfriend.

Tags: foot injury, perfectionism, hospitals, fracture, bad mindset, They are lesbians Harold, pet names, fencing, outbursts, angry feelings, bruises, indirect self harm, food/eating.

ao3

My KoFi  - Support me ♥ or Commission me

“Allez!”

 Blades clinked together, pieces of cold metal vibrating at one another with the impact of intense swings and advances.

Opponents approached, yet jumped away from one another like preying ticks. All students of the fencing class were engaged in heated battles. Much like these two friends - Kagami and Adrien, the top of the class were fighting one another once more. Their blades were shaking in pain exertion and cold steel.

 Kagami lunged forward to hit Adrien. Clank. He dropped his guard, he was vulnerable-

 No. No, he was prepared. The model dodged halfway and decided to strike for himself. Their shoulders collided, sending Kagami onto the floor.

Hard.

A dull clash came from where she landed. She hissed at the sudden emergence of pain and rolled over. At once, she was back on her feet and took her fighting stance. Coal hair fell back into her face, bangs slightly blurring her vision.

 “Arrêt!”

 The director interfered, gradually approaching Kagami. She was in place, prepared to fight and send Adrien into one out of many many more losses to come. The foot she had landed on was lightly burdened with only a small deal of her body weight. She heavily relied on her unaffected leg to carry her through this.

Still, she stood tall, slightly bowed. One of her hands was around her handle. The other one was close to her body.

 “Kagami, are you okay?”

 Adrien rushed over while his friend remained en garde. However, when he pulled his mask off, she had the courtesy to validate his concern and lift hers, too.

 “Of course I am! Go back, I want a rematch!”

 There was a fire in her words, yet the blonde looked at her, a sceptical look pulling his facial features down. The usually rather sunny and carefree expression was wiped off his face. His mouth opened to say something but Kagami insistently put her foot down. The ambitious student ignored the shocking pain striking her like an unexpected avalanche.

Their instructor shrugged. By now, he was close enough to see for himself.

 “If you can put weight on it without pain, it should be fine. Are you sure you are good to go?”

 The girl gave the man a maroon side-glare through her bangs and nodded. Her voice was cool and composed as ever, unusually deep for a girl so pretty, some conservative souls would think.

 “Yes.”

 Her warm eyes were set on the invisible goal of success on all levels and in all areas. Even if she tried to care about the pain in her ankle, she wouldn’t be able to stop her urge to compete and succeed in life.

It was too deeply ingrained in her to be perfect and strive for constant improvement. She had the stress to impress.

 Adrien looked at her for long enough to doubt his own doubt in her. Kagami’s determination egged him on to step back and get into position. She followed suit, both feet firm on the ground - as if to assure her friend.

 “Tell me, if you change your mind, Kagami.”

 The director stood before them, examining the scene. His eyes wandered to Kagami and both students lowered their masks to cover their faces.

It was the silent agreement for another fight.

 “En garde.”

 They got into position, their movements like mirroring images to one another. The friends were in perfect sync. Kagami was a little slower but it felt like less than a heartbeat.

It was just the sudden command. Nothing about the foot, he reminded herself.

 “Pret.”

 Bodies tensed, orbs gazed.

 “Arrêt!”

 ***

 Kagami sighed, clutching her sports bag. Marinette was on the other side of the room, watching from the sidelines. Sometimes she was not sure whether her girlfriend was here to support her or Adrien. She did not mind it, yet it stayed in her mind for longer than it should.

 Marinette was just an exceptionally positive and supportive friend. She wanted them both to have a good time, to have a successful time!

No. Actually, she was.. she was not like this. Marinette cared about their well-being and joy more than any competition.

 The black-haired girl sat down, kneeling ceremoniously as she cheered for the two. Kagami*s little butterfly was so loud, the director had to silence her.

 “You got this Adrien! Kagami - you can do this! Have fun!”

 If Marinette was a little less shy about feelings and more affectionate, she would yell out her feelings for these two - for all here friends - at all times.

Kagami smiled at this thought. It was hidden under her mask but she was. Her eyes glanced over at Marinette and she could swear her girlfriend knew about it judging from how her pale face lit up like a light bulb. Her cyan eyes gleamed like the ocean on a sunny day.

Looking at Marinette was like looking at holiday pictures. Her face was a landscape to admire.

 The instructor yelled the usual commands, his words pushing them into position and straining their muscles when they got ready to lunge at one another and attack.

 Marinette’s spark faded, eyes dulling as she saw how Kagami’s was skewed to one side. The secret teenage super-hero lifted herself off her knees.

 “Arrêt!”

 She walked over to the instructor in terribly slow steps. There was caution on her feet as if she was suffering for her love instead. Her sky-blue orbs focused on the limping.

Kagami’s foot seemed a bit bigger than usual, too. Maybe that was just her imagination, her worry taking over. There was a dark concern eating at her heart like hungry wolves.

 Seeing her little phoenix in anything but her best condition was a stab to her own happiness.

 “Excuse me, Monsieur. Can you see Kagami’s foot? I think she might have hurt it. She doesn’t seem to really put a lot of weight on it.”

 The man nodded over to her and stepped in, breaking the duelling students apart. Commands in French and other things came from him and the two took a few steps back, putting distance between one another.

 “Kagami. Can we see your foot?”

 The black-haired girl looked up at the instructor, then at her girlfriend. A sense of confusion veiled her honey-brown eyes like another set of bangs, an invisible one.

 “Of course.”

 Voice composed as ever, she slowly bent her legs to lower herself onto the mat. Her movements were measured in grace only. Not even swans were as majestic. When she moved, it reminded Marinette of ballet.

The girlfriend gingerly squatted down to Kagami’s level while the director knelt down. The fencing student took one of her shoes off and slowly removed the remaining sock. It revealed more than just flawless, milky skin. A large bruise lounged all over her foot, centralised on her ankle. It was colourful, almost in an artistic way. Several shades of blue and purple decorated her pale skin, darkening and tainting her porcelain skin.

 Gasps filled the air. Kagami internally flinched at the sounds of disappointment hitting her like actual punches.

 “Kagami, this is horrible! Look at your foot!”

 Marinette tenderly leaned over to properly examine her girlfriend’s injury. The dark colours were clouds of bruises. Her face was in an empathetic scowl. Kagami felt the indescribable urge to cup her face and tell her it was fine. She knew better, she knew this pain on Mari’s face was a mirror to the pain she tried so hard to not cry about.

She needed to keep exercising, to move and work more in order to be better. An injured foot could not stop her from establishing a good career as amazing fencer.

 “I was aware of this.. I have been icing it for the past few days. Do not worry, it is nothing, Mari.”

 Daisy fingers, almost as light as Princess Snow White’s face, wrapped around the ankle, a sock in place. The fabric was pulled over quickly and swiftly. It looked painful.

Marinette’s face twisted uncomfortably. She seemed sick.

 “Kagami, no. This looks really bad, I think you need to take care of this!”

 Marinette’s concerned voice piped up. At the same time, the director chirped up.

 “I am sorry but I’m unable to let you participate in this state. I suggest you visit the hospital.”

 Maroon eyes turned dark as black coffee as the ambitious student looked up at the instructor. Her orbs were reading his words. The instructor gazed back at her, feelings undecipherable.

 “This looks like a serious injury and pushing your body any further isn’t going to help. I want you out of here and going to the doctor instead.”

 The fateful words donned onto the passionate fencer with a bitterness. She grabbed her shoes and pushed her injured foot into it as if to stuff a pillow in rage. Marinette squeaked, flinching in empathetic pain.

 “Fine. If you won’t let me, I will train on my own.”

 There was an ice-cold rage in her composed voice.

Marinette flinched at the tone, flinched at when her girlfriend shot up and dashed out of the room. She quickly thanked the director of the fencing class and rushed after Kagami.

Icy shivers blew goosebumps all over her body when she followed the fleeing figure. She had never seen her girlfriend this angry.

 Hot footsteps echoed through the building as Kagami quickly pushed her things together. Instead of packing up properly, she just strapped herself off the fencing clothes. The mask was first. She threw it from herself as if putting it in the garbage. Her sports bag carried the burden of being a trash container for this deed. Disgust lead her fingers like tainted motives.

Kagami freed herself from the sweaty prison and pushed everything into the bag. The usual practice of folding and preparing her clothes for the transport was gone but so was her composure.

 “Kagami!”

 Marinette burst into the locker room, breaking the eerie silence around the lonely Asian. A small blush of embarrassment took over her pale cheeks. They matched the exhausted, tensed look on Kagami’s face.

She looked at her girlfriend, eyes dark and retreated like a hurt doe. Marinette wanted to wipe all the pain away.

 Slowly, she approached her friend, her partner and sat down opposite her. She gestured for Kagami to take a seat too. After a small moment of hesitation, she followed her girlfriend’s example and lowered herself onto the bench.

She sighed. Marinette tried to initiate eye contact but Kagami’s face was averted. It stayed this way, even when Marinette’s piercing blue eyes were veiled in worry.

Concern distorted her usually so gentle features. Kagami could not help but feel her heart being shredded into tiny pieces of twitching meat. Seeing her girlfriend hurt, feeling the whole world crush down onto her. It was a weird mix of annoyance, hurt - physical and mental - as much as pure rage.

 She needed t keep exercising!

 Between all these thoughts and screaming pressure, a calming voice lowered onto the fire inside of her. The helpless student almost breathed freely when she heard Marinette speak up.

 “Kagami, I - I am sorry to burst in and be so pressing about this. I really care about you and I see your foot in terrible condition. When I come to see my girlfriend fight and cheer for you, I want to know you are alright.”

 The tension fell from her face, giving way to the softness akin to the velvet-y warmth in her voice when she continued to speak.

Kagami’s eyes widened a little and her bangs-covered face slowly turned to face her girlfriend. She was at least looking into her vague direction by now.

 A slight smile appeared on Marinette’s face.

 “I just got worried because you are my girlfriend. You mean so much to me and I know fencing means so much to you. I want to make sure you are in excellent condition, so you don’t have to suffer or sit out on one of your favourite hobbies.”

 Kagami looked up, caramel eyes blooming in wonder as she saw the genuine agony in Marinette’s facial features. She could see wrinkles of concern, of worry and regret fighting little dents into Marinette’s usually so perfect face.

It did things to Kagami’s chest to see the other so conflicted and hurt over her decisions.

 She extended a hand.

 “If you car- can... would you come to the doctor with me? I really don’t think it is such a big deal but I see you are worried and I trust your judgement. I am sorry -”

 Kagami brushed through her bangs, a velvet smile adorning her features. Marinette slowly took the hand and squeezed it.

 “I will always be with you, as much as I can. I am sorry for being so pushy. I am just really worried.”

 Marinette grinned at her.

It was one of these grins that looked a bit less like a smile but was somewhat between a beam and an embarrassed giggle. She really was about to just chuckle it away but Kagami tugged her over by their connected hands. When Marinette leaned over the bench, Kagami shot forward and sealed that pretty mouth with a little peck to it.

 “Let’s go to this doctor before I change my mind. Again, I am doing this for you.”

 Her girlfriend cheered, heat and love on her lips when she leaned in to peck her cheek.

 “I am fine as long as you are okay! I just want to know I care about you.”

 Her lips curled into another delicious smile, teeth flashing like porcelain and shining bright as the rest of her face. Kagami could not help but smile back at her. No matter her conflict and the voice screaming at her to keep exercising and keep fighting, she felt more love for her girlfriend than annoyance over this ordeal.

 “W-well.. I care about you too.”

 Kagami cuddled up to her girlfriend who softly ducked down to lay one of Kagami’s arms around her. A little tug and she had the passionate fencer leaning onto her a bit. Their bodies were closely touching.

 As much as she wanted to go back to practising or complain about losing time by going to the doctor, she was more than glad to be with Marinette in this moment of potential need. She had someone to care about her, to really bond with her.

The warmth of love overshadowed the burning annoyance in her heart. Needless to say, she was not not-annoyed. She just cared more for Marinette than fencing at this moment.

 “Let’s go.”

 “Okay.”

 Marinette got them a cab and brought them to the closest casualty doctor. It took almost two hours and more than enough stressing over formulas and other things for Kagami to finally have a doctor check her up.

 Anxiously, Marinette was waiting outside. She seemed to talk to herself, mumbling something about encouraging words and other nice things. It seemed to straighten her posture and ease her shoulders, so the approaching doctor did not say anything until the student swiftly turned around, surprising the two.

 “I can do- OH! Hello, doctor.”

 One of her hands found the back of her neck instinctively and scratched it while the doctor clicked her clipboard. She could have sworn she had seen something read just now. Well, maybe it was just the hair ties in the girl’s dark strands.

 “Hello. You are with Kagami, right?”

 She jumped into position, seriousness shooting a straightness into her posture as if she was trying to impress the military with salutes.

 “Yes, yes I am. She is alright, isn’t she? Please tell me her foot is okay! It won’t have to be cut off, will it? Oh no, you do-”

 As soon as she talked, terrifying ideas and suggestions left her mouth without her consent. She could barely stop the flow of words until the doctor chuckled and waved her clipboard gingerly.

She seemed to fan the horrible scenarios and thoughts out of Marinette’s head. Silenced, she looked at the woman with a polite smile. Her mouth was closed and her attention span was opened.

 “Don’t worry, don’t worry. Your friend is going to be fine. I just came over so I could tell you we will give her an x-ray scan. Her foot seems injured but we need to make sure whether it was a fracture. It might very well be. She will definitely need crutches. I am glad you brought her over. She said she would not have come without you insisting on it. You did a good thing, there.”

 A smile spread all over Marinette’s face.

 “Thank you doctor! Thank you for helping my girlfriend! I am glad to know I did the right thing and that you are doing so much to take care of her.”

 “You are welcome!”

 The student settled onto her seat once more. The friendly white coat disappeared with clipboard, pen and clacking sounds to her steps. They seemed to echo distantly through the wide, white hallways when Marinette emerged into her little dream world of thoughts once more.

 “Kagami will be alright.. “

 She smiled.

 Time seemed to move forward from then on. Before, the minutes had dragged but now time was rushing, was fleeing the present and abandoned it to become the past after every beat of the heart.

 “Are you Marinette? Kagami will be out in a moment. You two can get ready to go.”

 A nurse popped in, smiling kindly. Marinette waved at him, her face beaming like the sun herself.

 “Thank you, Monsieur!”

 The nurse disappeared and Marinette got up to greet Kagami who walked in on crutches. She sighed upon seeing Marinette, mild annoyance painting her face.

Maybe it was pain? Knowing Kagami, she was probably upset about how crutches kept her from fencing. Not that she would not try.

 Marinette would have to keep an eye on that

 “Oh, hey. How is your leg?”

 Crutches scratched over the cool, tiled floor.

Marinette looked at her girlfriend, hope in her eyes. She really wanted it to be something the other could get over with as soon as possible.

 “My leg is fine. I am fine. It is just a small fracture. Can we go?”

 Her girlfriend smiled at Kagami and nodded, cheerful as always.

 “One more thing!”

 She held up her index finger as if to give a lecture. She looked like a teacher with this presentation of herself. Glasses would have made the perfect cliché teacher.

Slowly, she took a few steps to approach her girlfriend.

 “I missed you.”

 She leaned in, this time. Their soft lips meeting for a moment just enough to let hearts melt and worlds disappear. Kagami’s whole life seemed to be cradled close when Marinette touched her like that.

When the artistic student stepped away, Kagami was sort of just staring at her, eyes frozen.

 “I am glad you are okay, my little phoenix. But now it is time for you to be protected, too.”

 Marinette gently took the sports bag from her friend and dangled it over her shoulder before rushing to open the first door on their way out. She held it open, spreading the door wide enough to let the whole world see what was inside. It felt as if she was presenting her girlfriend to the world, introducing her like the gem she was.

All proud and excited.

 “Come with me?”

 The inviting smile on Marinette’s ever-shining features lured a content smile out of Kagami. Eventually, she put the crutches down onto the ground and started making her way over to her lovely companion.

 “i will always be with you, injured or not.”

 The two giggled, foreheads meeting when they leaned in once more. They shared another short kiss, a peck, really. Together, they moved home to accommodate Kagami at Marinette’s place.

Right now, Marinette was - more than ever - glad about summer break. Her parents were busy working but she had time to treat her partner and make sure she is okay. From what the doctors had mentioned, Kagami was supposed to stay in her lower-leg cast for about two months. They said that she had tortured her foot so much, she could have severely complicated the fracture and ended her fencing career. If she had pushed it just a bit further, maybe she would be without fencing forever.

 The two had discussed all information and decided for a sleepover. They needed each other’s support and comfort in order to digest all these things. To think of Kagami without fencing was too scary for any of the to consider.

But once at home, they got comfortable. Kagami was cuddled up in Marinette’s bed, foot prodded up on a pillow and blanket covering her body to keep the unmoving figure warm and cozy. Marinette stumbled upstairs, a tray of tasty treats in her hands.

 “I brought you a little something!”

 She quickly moved over and set the tray down between the two. The artistic one herself placed her body on the bed, close to Kagami.

 “Thank you very much. This is a ..lot of sugar. Do we only have sweets?”

 Marinette smiled.

 “I texted my parents about what happened, and my mom said she will make you soup. I will get it when it is done. They said it is okay if we eat upstairs, so you don’t have to walk too much. Are your parents okay with you staying for a few nights at my place?”

 Kagami nodded, her hair falling into her face a bit. Marinette leaned in to kiss her temples and brush some her bangs away.

 “Are your pain killers working?”

 Another nod came from Kagami.

Another smile appeared on Marinette’s cheerful face.

 “We can do a lot of funny things, if you want to. How about watching a film?”

 Kagami smiled.

 “I never really do that... I mean, I don’t usually just sit down to watch movies, especially not with others.”

 Marinette leaned her head against Kagami’s and sighed. Their bodies rested against one another and Kagami allowed herself to slouch just a bit.The tension fell from her body but Marinette stayed in place and kept her up.

 “I know you care a lot about fencing but you need to make more space for your social life. For friends or.. for me. If you never allow yourself to do other things and enjoy anything but fencing, you will be really upset and bored in situations like now. Make time for the people who care about you like you care about fencing classes, little knight. It’s good to self-care a bit and just”, she took a deep breath as if to demonstrate what she was about to say, “let yourself breathe. If you never regain your strength, you will tire yourself out, my phoenix.”

 The sportive youth sighed in return and softly nodded her head. Marinette could feel her move. They were oddly connected by just sitting so close to one another.

It blossomed a warm feeling in her chest.

 “It is hard to change habits.. I am not used to having friends, having a - a partner. I am new to all of this. I hope I’m not letting you down - or the others. Am I?”

 She looked over at Marinette who shook her head. Instead, her girlfriend leaned in to grace the top of her head with the faintest of kisses. A pink blush adorned her cheeks. The sweet scent wafted over to her, lulling her into the saccharine bubble of a stress-free time.

 “You are good. We are proud of you.”

 Kagami sighed, probably in relief.

 “I am glad you are introducing so much change into my life. I would have never imagined living in Paris with multiple friends, even a girlfriend. I will try to watch this film with you”, she started, then paused, “I can try to make a change, now.”

 “Hooray!”, Marinette cheered. One of her hands reached up over her head and she jumped up to get her laptop. She had the best film in mind already. She has heard so much about “La vie d’Adèle” and was excited to watch it with Kagami.

It was supposed to be romantic.

 “What are we watching, butterfly?”

 Marinette’s face flushed as she picked out the film but instead of playing it, she moved to close the other side of her bed. Her body rose and she walked over to her desk to pick up a pen. With a “clack”, she removed the cap.

Her eyebrows formed into a mischievous position, accompanied with a sly grin.

 “I forgot to sign your cast! Time to change this, little knight.~”

 An excited skip was in her voice. Her words were metaphorically dancing and jumping in excitement.

In contrast to that, she carefully knelt before the bed and started writing and drawing over the cast. All the while, Kagami tried to sneak a peek at the activity but she did not see anything. Marinette was covering her actions with her back, shielding the words from her view.

 “What are you writing, Mari?”

 A smile graced her lips. Gradually, she moved off the foot and revealed the writing to her girlfriend. She quickly leaned forward to see it. Squinting, she looked at her girlfriend in confusion. The cast had her immobile enough to not see the navy blue writing enough to decipher it. Marinette snapped a photo and handed her phone to Kagami to read. Caramel eyes widened as she saw the picture. Her eyes watered a little and she swiftly put away the phone in favour of tugging Marinette over for a tight hug.

 “Mari, how are you so sweet - what did I ever do to deserve someone as good as you, my dear butterfly?”

 The addressed student emitted a lovely giggle. She held her girlfriend close and comforted her with open arms and gentle brushes over her bed.

 “You do because you are a great person. You are lovely”, she answered, slowly pressing a kiss to the top of her head,” and kind.”

 She leaned in, lowering her body before carefully kissing her eyes which fluttered shut at once. When Marinette pulled away, Kagami opened her eyes to view the preciousness of her love.

 “You are head-strong and care about fairness and justice”, Marinette peppered a few more kisses over Kagami’s face. She was shaking and a few tears escaped her eyes but the artist easily kissed them away, making them all disappear.

“Kagami, I would never date a person I don’t consider to be great. You are precious to me, my dear phoenix. It is rare to find a person as principled and disciplined. You are an amazing friend. We are all glad to have you.”

 She sighed, inhaling the sweet scent of Kagami’s hair. Sure, she was a bit sweaty from training and the whole odyssey of coming here but her hair smelled of almonds and early spring flowers in a wild garden.

 “I am so glad to have met you in my life.”

 Marinette leaned in, slowly closing the gap between their noses, their mouths and faces. Their lips collided and embraced one another like the lovers they were. Pink shades melted into one, forming a heart that was their love.

When they pulled away, they only saw the warmth in each other’s eyes. Azure orbs gazed upon syrup brown ones.

If eyes could smile, they would beam at each other only.

 “Let’s watch this film, Mari. My little butterfly.”

 Marinette quickly moved over and cuddled up under the blanket, one hand pulling the laptop in place and the other intertwined with Kagami’s hand. She squeezed it a bit and both smiled for one another as Marinette started the hand-picked film.

 The artist reached for the macarons and offered it to Kagami. She nodded and opened her mouth when Marinette rose her fingers to level with Kagami’s head. Kagami accepted the little treat with a flushed face. She reached for a pink macaron and did as her girlfriend, gently approaching her mouth with the little delicacy.

The little butterfly split her lips and allowed the treat in.

 “They are really sweet.”

 Marinette nodded.

 “Not as sweet as you, though.”

 The sun started to go down. Ruby rays streamed through the windows, bathing the two in the warm lights of the loving sun. The sky over Paris was never as rosy as now.

Between them, the phone display illuminated the growing darkness. “Love your imperfections, my phoenix.” A small butterfly kissed the words written over the lower-leg cast.

[kthstrawberryshortcake]

BTS Reaction: Their S/O comforts them when they cry

Request by anon: “ can u do something where a bts member is stressed out and they cry so their s/o comforts them “

Here’s what I came up with! I hope you like it. 

These are set up as member x reader.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Namjoon:  Namjoon had been really busy in his studio lately. His habit of overworking himself was nothing new, but you still tried to do what you could to take care of him a little when he was preoccupied with work. One night you brought takeout to the studio, knowing he wouldn’t have bothered to eat most of the day. You knew he had been writing a lot today, though you had hardly seen him, since he hand’t even come home to sleep. When you entered, you saw him hunched over his desk, looking down at a piece of paper. Then you noticed his shoulders shaking slightly. “Joonie?” You called to him softly, walking up to him and gently placing a hand on his shoulder. It was then that you saw he was crying. “What’s wrong, love?” You asked, concerned. “Writing a sad song…” He replied, and you leaned over him to see what was written on the page. He had very little written thus far and none of it was very sad. You looked at him in confusion. “How long have you been awake?” You asked, and he looked at the time on his phone. “Almost 51 hours,” he answered, causing you to gasp. “Oh, sweetie, you can’t do this to yourself. We’re getting you to bed right this minute.” You said to him authoritatively. To your surprise, he agreed. The two of you went home and got in bed, and you played with his hair until he finally fell asleep.

Jin:  You had been conspiring with the boys about something special to do for Jin’s birthday. You all decided on the idea of making a short film about Jin and what he meant to each of you, with Jungkook’s Golden Closet expertise coming in handy. When filming your part, you got a little emotional, having to wipe tears from your eyes once or twice during your portion of the video. “He makes me smile. He makes me feel safe. He is always caring and kind to those around him. He’s so talented. He’s a good friend. He’s a great cook. His dad jokes make my day. He’s the love of my life.” You hoped he would be able to feel how much he meant to you from the video. When his birthday finally rolled around, you all sat together in front of the TV to watch the short film, anxiously watching Jin’s face for his reactions. The boys’ sweet messages made him teary-eyed, but when he watched your portion, that was when he started full-on crying. He was kind of laughing at himself at the same time, but he was definitely crying. You pulled him into a tight hug, thrilled that you’d all done well with the surprise. “I love you so much,” he laughed, holding you a little bit tighter.

Yoongi:  Yoongi had been in one of his moods lately. It was that workaholic, hyper-intense mood where he neglected all things but music and never left his studio. Food? Sleep? Interaction with others? Never heard of them. It had been an especially long bout of this behavior this time, now having been over two weeks. Namjoon pulled him aside one day on a rare venture outside his studio. “We’ve talked about this, you can’t keep this up. It’s not sustainable. Have you seen yourself lately? You look like a zombie, and an excessively skinny one at that. The weight loss, the dark circles, the sickly color of your skin… They’re bad signs. Really bad.” He said, trying to make his friend see sense. Yoongi, of course, resisted. “I’m fine. It’s not that big of a deal.” Namjoon sighed and ran a hand through his hair, stressed out by the situation. “Except that it is. We don’t need you collapsing from not taking care of yourself. And if your own sake isn’t enough, think of Y/N. Ever since you started looking this severely unwell she’s been having panic attacks because she’s so scared for you and your health.” That got Yoongi’s attention. You struggled enough with anxiety and he was just making it worse by failing to look after himself. After speaking to Namjoon, Yoongi went to find you. Tears were running down his cheeks as he silently pulled you into a hug, sniffling a little as he tried to keep the crying under control. “I’m so sorry I scared you. I’ll do better, I promise.” He whispered, thinking to himself how lucky he was to have someone who loved him that much.

Hoseok:  You were on tour with the boys when one day, your boyfriend got a phone call from his mom. His family was very close, so that in and of itself was not unusual. It was the shocked expression that appeared on his face as he listened to his mom speak, followed by him hanging up and totally breaking down. You had never seen him cry like this before. “Babe?” You called to him, but he didn’t respond, he just kept sobbing. You stood in front of where he sat on the edge of the bed, holding his face gently in your hands. “Hobi, tell me what’s wrong.” You asked quietly. It took him a few minutes to calm down enough to be able to talk. “__________ died this morning.” he choked out, causing you to gasp. They were a relatively young and healthy family member of his. “How?” You asked, shocked. “Heart attack, out of nowhere.” He replied in a quiet, strained voice. You sighed, hurting at the sight of his pain. “I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. I wish there was something I could do, but I think all I can do is be here for you.” You kissed the tip of his nose gently. “And that, jagi, makes all the difference in the world.” he whispered in reply.

Jimin:  It was no secret that Jimin could be incredibly hard on himself. He had openly spoken about his struggles with self esteem and body image. When it came to the quality of his performance onstage, he was just as self-critical. It was during tour and he had come down with a bit of a cold, which had caused some coughing and a sore throat. He wasn’t feeling great, of course, but pushed through it like any other concert. During one song, however, Jimin’s voice cracked during a high note and he immediately coughed pretty hard. He kept going after that, finishing the show like the true professional he was, but he exited the stage feeling awful about how he had done.  You were watching the whole time, of course, and had witnessed the little unavoidable imperfection in his performance, and because you knew him so well, you anticipated how he was going to react. So when he immediately ran off to somewhere more secluded in an attempt to be alone, you followed him. It wasn’t you he was trying to get away from, anyway. You found him sitting in a dark corner crying, his head in his hands. You sat next to him and wrapped your arms around him, pulling him close, and he rested his head on your shoulder. You murmured words of encouragement and assured him that no one would blame him for the cough, rubbing his upper arm soothingly. Tears continued to slip from his eyes, but he wasn’t sobbing anymore. “What would I do without you, jagi?” he whispered, which brought a small smile to your face.

Taehyung:  Your phone rang one afternoon and you smiled to yourself when you saw that it was your boyfriend calling. “Hi Tae,” you answered, only to hear uncontrollable sobbing on the other end of the call. “It’s Tan, he’s really sick. He’s at the emergency vet, they’re going to take him in for surgery now.” He explained as well as he could in his extremely emotional state. “Okay, okay, take a deep breath, I’m on my way. Text me the address and I’ll get there as soon as I can.” You replied before hanging up the phone and hurrying to your car. Ten minutes later you were sprinting into the emergency vet. You saw Taehyung sitting in the waiting room, still crying but no longer sobbing like he had been. You sat next to him and silently wrapped your arms around him and kissed his cheek. “What’s the news?” You asked softly, a little scared to hear his response. He took a deep breath. “They think he’s going to be fine, but there are always risks with surgery so we won’t know for a little while yet.” You nodded. “He’s going to be okay, love. Tan will be fine.” You whispered, taking hold of one of his hands and intertwining your fingers. He still looked worried, of course, but your presence and assurances were calming him. All he could think was that he was grateful that he wasn’t going through this alone. You had a way of making things better.

Jungkook: If there was one word to describe the way your boyfriend saw himself, it would be invincible. He was the golden maknae, after all. He could do anything, and he would be good at it too. Until one day in dance practice, a freak accident caused him to injure his ankle pretty badly. It was bad enough that he would have to keep off of it for at least two weeks. You had been there when he hurt himself, so as the doctor examined his ankle you held his hand. After hearing the prognosis, you realized he had begun to cry. You wiped his tears away, your heart aching to see him in pain. “Does it hurt that bad, baby?” You asked, worried. He shook his head. “I’m going to let everyone down this way. It’s my fault, I can’t believe I could be so stupid as to get myself hurt this way.” He said, and you shook your head vigorously. “No, this is absolutely not your fault. I watched it happen, it was just one of those freak things. You couldn’t have prevented it. And I know you’re pretty amazing, and all that, but you forget that you’re human. What’s more, you forget that being human isn’t letting the people around you down.” You kissed his forehead, him feeling much less guilty after talking to you.

_________________________________________________________________

There you go children! Hope you all liked this one. PS: don’t worry, in my mind with the Tae one here, Tannie ends up fine :)

Please send in requests to ask or message!

ALSO I LOVE FEEDBACK <3

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #255

“who gives a fuck if they hate you; you’re the god that they pray to.”

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two. Could you go a day not talking to the last person you kissed? It would suck. What was the last song you listened to that made you cry? I didn't like, sob, but "Another Life" by Motionless In White does it. Your ex REALLY needs you at 3am and you have a way to their house would you go? Well, I can't with Sara considering she lives two hours away, and that's by plane. If she lived here, duh. For Girt or Jason, yes. Without saying any names what is one thing that you would like to say to someone(s)? I'm sorry. Would your parents get mad if you got drunk while they were present? No. Would you date someone who lived in another state? Eh, maybe. I don't know if I want to do long-distance again. I mean I probably would, but idk. Are you friends with your ex? Sara and Girt, yes. Who is the person you last texted? Sara. When’s the last time you told people you were fine, but really weren’t? I dunno, I honestly don't lie about that often. When was the last time you wanted to punch someone in their face? Months back when I found out the shit my therapist said about me and disability. Not only did I want to knock her jaw off, but I sobbed for like, a long-ass time. Who did you spend your summer with last year? Just Mom, really. ... Or wait, maybe that was the summer Sara was here??? My memory is such shit, idk if that was last year or the one before. What’s bothering you right now? Stress about dropping out. Have you lost friends in the past year? I don't think so, at least. Have you and the last person you kissed ever talked about going out? We did date. If the person you’re dating said they were falling in love with you, what would you do? I'm not dating anyone. Who was the last person you were in love with for more than a year? Sara. Do you have a secret life? RP stays a pretty big secret. Have you ever seen the last person you kissed without a shirt? Yes. Do your parents know EVERYTHING about you? No. What are you watching? Nothing rn, surprisingly. I'm listening to music. Are you friends with your best friend’s boyfriend or girlfriend? She's single. Don’t tell me lies, is the last person you texted attractive? Yeah. There’s a serial killer in your house, what do you do? Jump out the window. If the last person you kissed went back to their first love, what would you do? I think I am hers. Do you own any bug spray? No, not currently. We need some damn wasp killer. Every spring/summer, they build a nest literally right above our back door. Are you a good gift giver? Honestly think I'm really good at it. I always try to put a load of thought into it. What's the longest trip you’ve ever been on? The drives to either NY or Florida. I can't remember which is further. Are you a daughter or son-in-law? No. Do you know anyone in the military? Multiple people. Do you like your significant other's siblings? N/A Have you ever received a singing birthday card? Yeah. Those always suck when you open them and boom, loud singing to an obnoxious song. Do you own anything made by APPLE? My iPod. Have you ever tried Hamburger helper? Yeah, that was a semi-frequent dinner as a kid. I never liked it that much, though. What was your first car's color? N/A Do you have a best friend? Ye. Do you remember who your Kindergarten teacher was? I do. Do you have a favorite president? A least favorite? No, considering I don't know enough about any and their policies. Can you french braid? No. Were you ever a girl scout or a boy scout? I was as a tiny kid. I met my first best friend that way. What's your least favorite color? I'm just gonna use the very basic colors: yellow or green. Do you know anyone in jail? Not currently. Do you have kids? Ew. What's the strangest name you’ve ever heard? Apples. Yes. I'm serious. How old were you when you learned to walk? Idk. Do you own anything made of lace? Yeah. What's your favorite football team? Idc. What kind of bubble gum do you chew? Just about any. Fruity is my favorite. Do you wear a one-piece bathing suit or two-piece, a speedo or trunks? NOBODY needs to see me in a two-piece. Did you go to your senior prom? Yes. Do you support a charity? Well of course. I used to give coins to those super-old charity things for sick kids back in the day, but I can't remember the exact charity it was. I also donated hair to Children With Hair Loss a couple years back. I haven't donated to any other that I know of bc no personal income and I don't ask my parents for money really, but boy have I wanted to. I always use that Facebook feature where you pick a charity to share and ask for donations for your birthday, though; I've done the Trevor Project and one for pancreatic cancer in honor of my grandmother. I don't remember the others. Do you pop your knuckles? EW no please don't in my presence @ Sara. Do you scrapbook? No. I just don't have the creative drive and dedication to. If you could change your eye color would you and to what color? A much brighter blue. Have you ever had braces? For a long-ass time because we couldn't afford to take them off. One tooth is pushed too far back because of it. Imagine your dream home, does it have a fence around it? No. I want to live in the woods where *that's* my yard. When were you the saddest in your whole life? 2016 OH WOWIE WOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Have you ever seen a ghost? I definitely believe I have. Are you a virgin? No. How many books do you read a month? I like, just started reading again, so I can't say. Can you type fast? Very. In school were you bullied? I'm extremely thankful I wasn't. Have you ever swam in the ocean? Yes, I love it. Do you own a boat? Not me myself, no. Dad does. What about a camper? No. Do you read the newspaper? No. Are you on any teams? Team Mystic in Pokemon Go *waggles fist @ criticism* If you died today where do you think you’d go? Idk. Who really knows what happens when you die. I hope it's some serene existence, but, *shrugs*. Do you know anyone who is pregnant? Ummmm I don't think so. Who is the first contact in your cell phone? Best friend! :') What color are you bed sheets? The one I'm using now is light blue. Do you use online dating? I cannot FUCKING believe I was briefly on Christian Mingle I would actually rather die- How often are you sick? Extremely rarely. Did/Do you miss a lot of school? Eh. I had my mental health days and had to leave early a lot. Do you like scented candles? Yeah man. When was the last time you were told you were pretty/beautiful/gorgeous? When I recently changed my FB picture after forever. Do you hate the last guy, other than family, you had a conversation with? No. What’s the last thing that made you laugh? Roman being silly. If someone were to ask you out right now would you say yes? I don't know. Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yeah. Name four things you want right now: My fucking tattoo updated laksjdlflw, a healthy goddamn weight, my laptop, and a tarantula omg. Do you prefer to hold or be held? I mean, it depends on who we're talking about. I guess generally held? Are you currently wanting any piercings? You have no idea. Are you afraid of falling in love? Very. What was the last thing that made you feel like your life was complete? lol I've never felt that. You ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? Yeah. Do you still speak to any of your classmates from elementary school? Off the very top of my head, no. Does it take a lot to make you cry? NOPE. What is the wallpaper on your computer screen? Why did you choose it? One of my favorite pictures of Teddy, because I adore and miss him. Is there a pattern on the pants you’re currently wearing? Which one? Plaid. Do you like going to baby showers? Do you go only for the cake? I mean, not especially. They're crowded and it's a bad association anyway since it was the last time I hung out with Jason. The cake is indeed the best part, lmao. Mexican food, Chinese food, Italian food, French food or American food? American. What is the color scheme of your absolute favorite fast-food restaurant? Red, yellow, and blue. Do people ever ask you to do things they’re too short to accomplish? Very rarely. I'm not all that tall. Is there carpet or hardwood floor in your bedroom? Carpet. Do you believe in superstitious things such as breaking a mirror? No. Do you get sick of people who call themselves bipolar all the time? As someone who is bipolar, very much so, yes. Ever have an ultra-sound performed on you? What was it for? Yes, for my liver. I was fine. Do you like those "end of the world," "Armageddon" movies? Not especially. Ever been choked severely on something during lunch at your school? No. Do you remember who you sat next to in Kindergarten? Who was it? No. Has anyone ever compared you to an animal? Which one(s)? No. Do you eat more vegetables or fruits? What’s your favorite fruit/veggie? Fruits, by far. Strawberries and broccoli. Something on the human body that grosses you out the most: This is not intentional or meant to be discriminatory of those with 'em, but penises literally repulse me visually. Do you like meeting new people? What’s your most common greeting? Yeah, even though I'm scared. I think I say "hi" or "hey" most. What is something that bothers you about most surveys in general? Extremely heteronormative. Would you survive if zombies were to take over the world? Why or why not? HA no. I'm an anxious mess that is not fast or nimble in any way. What is your favorite color of apple? Red, green or yellow? I like the reddish/yellowish ones. Do you live anywhere near a mall? Maybe like, 15-20 mins away. If you were dying who would you say goodbye to first out of everyone? My mom. Are you someone who actually likes to babysit children? NO. What’s your favorite lunch meat, if you even like any in the first place? Honey ham. Would you rather write with a pen or a pencil? Why is this? Pencil, by far. You can erase. Scibbling stuff out looks messy. Have you ever wanted to be in a band? What position exactly? I am NOT kidding: one of the motivating factors of me going back to public school after 8th grade was the idea of making new friends and maybe making a band to be the guitarist lmfao. Who is your role model or hero in life if you have one? I have multiple for different reasons, but #1's gotta be Mark, man. Were you a really mean kid or a sweet and quiet kid? I was a really friendly kiddo. Do you keep secrets from your parents that you don’t keep from your friends? I don't think so. What is your father’s best friend’s name? Do you know them personally? Idk who that would be. Ever submit a video to America’s Funniest Home Videos? I don't believe we have. The most painful medical procedure you’ve ever had? Jesus fuck, I wouldn't wish having an infected cyst drained without NEARLY enough numbing medication on the goddamn devil. Are you someone who likes to eat Poptarts? What’s your favorite flavor? Yeah. I like the chocolate sundae one most. Ever have a dream you’re being abducted by aliens? Was it scary? No. What is your favorite flavor of Doritos? What do you drink with them? MMMMMMMMMMM cool ranch. Usually soda with chips. What is your favorite nickname you like to be called? Why do you like it? Ozzy. *shrugs* I like my online nickname and the "y" added sounds kinda affectionate ig. Do you already have your outfit for tomorrow planned out? I don’t plan my outfits. Has your favorite song ever been featured on a commercial? No. What would you say was the best year of your life? Why? 2017. SO MUCH DEVELOPMENT AND HEALING!!!!!!! Have you ever been pulled over by the cops for speeding? No. Is anyone in your family a firefighter? Who is it anyway? No.

[stomachhhh999]

yikes i wrote my mental health history for therapy

ages 1-9: not really conscious of my body/appearance, focused more on the outside world. still melancholy and often unhappy with life because of family issues and anxiety. my two moms split when i was 7 and i didn’t see my non-biological mom for almost a year. my biological mom remarried later and divorced again. my mom was very volatile and often broke down crying and yelled at me and my sister. my sister picked fights with me constantly and caused me a lot of stress. i was a very sensitive child and felt everything very strongly.

age 10-12: started to become conscious of my body, figure and weight. admired girls in my class at school who were very underweight, felt inferior because i wasn’t.

age 13: ran track & field, more focusing on other girls’ bodies. felt fat because i was developing breasts. took on the idea that body fat= fat. started restricting food, not eating until 3 pm every day, then accidentally binging. felt horrible guilt about this. learned about purging from a novel i read. tried it and wasn’t successful most of the time, but kept trying because i felt so out of control with food and in pain because i was so full. believed that bloated= fat. started purging in secret in the basement of my house and in the woods outside. started meds for depression. became obsessed with weight loss, counted calories and grams of fat down to a half, tried to restrict as much as possible. developed an exercise addiction, would do thousands of sit-ups and run until i would almost collapse to compensate for eating. missed a school field trip to chicago because i knew i wouldn’t have time to exercise.

age 14-15: mom found vomit in the sink and screamed at me. started outpatient treatment for ed. extremely physically and mentally painful. i hated myself and came very close to a suicide attempt. self-harmed. gained some weight. my mom eventually clashed with some of the program leaders and i left, but by that point i was able to eat normal-sized meals and not purge.

age 16: ate somewhat normally for a time, but still had a lot of anxiety around meals.

age 17: progressive relapse, would restrict sometimes and purge sometimes, always in secret. graduated high school and began college at a very rigorous school. ate normally for the first half of the year but began feeling guilty again and purged after feeling like i had eaten too much. stress was also a factor. it turned into massive hour-long binges and hours of purging in the dining hall bathroom. started to plan my day around binges. didn’t make many friends and felt very isolated. started to feel extremely uncomfortable with the fact that i presented as female, shaved my head on impulse and bought some masculine clothes. was afraid to tell my family. felt a lot of dysphoria. transferred to the university of south carolina. i could eat small amounts of things and keep them down but i binged and purged 3-4 times a week at the dining hall. eventually became too afraid of someone realizing what i was doing that i moved most of my binges back to my apartment. about half planned binges, half accidental. it became a little easier to purge. kept this up for the 2 years i was there. slowly developed a drinking problem to numb the pain of purging.

age 20: social isolation, paranoia and compulsions. as my bulimia got worse these got worse too, they seemed to cause each other. binging and purging multiple times a day. became obsessed with cooking. spending massive amounts of money on food, as soon as i earned any money i would spend it. drinking more and more often. dropped classes at the beginning of third year because i had a nervous breakdown and couldn’t function. only liquids are ok to keep down. massive fear of mom finding out. fear of eating in front of other people. embarrassment because boyfriend knows. started hallucinating, had to move back to ohio to be closer to family.

[good-ol-garmi]

Cole

Every ninja has problem...

-- -- -- -- --

Here we go, one fanfiction, ready to go!

I've been typing these headcanon angst fics (based off this post!) for months, and figured that it was about time I began posting them on here.

Everytime a new chapter is posted, I will post a link to the next one/previous one at the bottom.

Trigger Warning For Eating Disorders

If You Are Sensitive To This, Do Not Read, Or Read With Caution

Enjoy!

-- -- -- -- --

Cole couldn't stop.

It was an endless cycle of pain. Even after all these years, after all those late nights over the toilet, he still couldn't make himself stop purging.

Whenever he felt insecure or stressed, he'd stop eating. He'd call it a ‘diet’, but in reality he wouldn't eat anything at all. After a while, he'd start feeling better, and he'd eat again. He wouldn't just eat, he'd binge. Until the guilt set in.

After he was finished bingeing, however long that lasted, he'd make his way to the bathroom. He would be disgusted by how much he ate. He would be disgusted with himself. In turn, he would stick his fingers into the back of his throat and empty the contents of his stomach into the toilet bowl.

It was painful. It was disgusting. He hated it.

But he also couldn't make himself stop.

Mia was a constant whisper in the back of his head. She wouldn't let him stop, wouldn't let him out of the cycle, no matter how much he hated his self-destructive tendencies. Mia was good at overtaking his judgement. Mia was silver-tongued.

Although, at this point, he couldn't tell his own thoughts from Mia’s. Cole figured they might even be one-and-the-same nowadays.

It's hard to track things like this down to one singular moment, or one singular cause. For Cole, it was probably a mixture of things. The pressure from his father, and the resulting pressure from that corner of society. The failing health of his mother. His physical fitness, and the guilt that neither of his parents were able to achieve that.

He remembered telling himself not to eat. He wasn't sure what he was trying to achieve. Weight loss, self-punishment - for one reason or another, he felt that he held a certain power if he skipped meals. And it was hard. Really hard. Cole loved to eat.

But he was successful… For about six days. At the end of his first week, he was just too hungry. With minimal self-control, and having always been a fairly impulsive person (as teenagers tend to be), he feasted on anything and everything he could find in his father’s kitchen.

And then, full of anger and guilt and food, he felt lost. He felt hopeless. He felt awful.

He wasn't sure what made him do it the first time. It seems like such a weird thing to come up with. Cole thinks he read it, somewhere; read something about bringing back up what he was ashamed to have put down. So, without thinking about the consequences, he made his way to the bathroom. He felt surprisingly calm.

He knelt, shoved his fingers down his throat, and his life was changed forever.

And that's how it began, his relationship with Mia. It only got worse, more cemented in his brain, as it continued. He wasn't sure if his parents knew what was happening - tried to only purge when they weren't around. But they had to have noticed, right?

Noticed that he needed help?

Once his mother died, and he ran off to climb mountains and grieve, it got surprisingly better. He was still devastated by his mother’s death, and angry at his father, but his eating and mental state became stable.

Looking back, he thinks it was the environment. Being outside, as well as away from society, was good for him.

Everything was great for a while. Master Wu brought him to the monastery. There, he would become friends with Zane, Jay, Kai, and Nya - all of whom would be his friends for life. They fought to help, to save, people (with Lloyd eventually joining the team). It was an amazing (albeit stressful) experience.

Until Zane died.

When he grieved for his mother, he managed to get better. When he grieved for Zane, his disorder came back with vengeance. The same emotions - mainly anger and guilt - overcame him once again. He went off to go work in the woods, away from the city, but this time nature didn't help.

And this time, he didn't get better.

One would think that becoming a ghost would have made everything easier; that he couldn't have had an eating disorder if his body didn't require him to eat. In reality, it was the exact opposite. The desire, the yearning, was still present. But he was physically unable to act upon it. If anything, it only made him worse.

And then, as if to add insult to injury, he regained his humanity.

Which, at first, made him very happy. He was human again! But even though he was beyond excited about the return of his physical body, that didn't mean that he ate normally. Nope. It was right back to where he left off before.

But in its return, in its growing severity since his first trip to Yang’s temple, he was less careful. He didn't check to see who was on the Bounty. He didn't check to see where anyone was. He might have even forgotten to lock the door. He just binged and then found himself kneeling in front of the toilet.

He vomited twice before he heard the knock on the bathroom door. “Cole? Are you alright in there?”

“I think I ate something,” he began the scripted excuse he used to give his father, on the rare occasion he had heard, “that didn't agree with me.”

“Are you, uh, sure?” He heard Jay continue. “You need any, uh, help?”

Yes, he thought, wanting to cry it loud, I need help.

“Jay, I'm throwing up. How are you supposed to help with that?” Cole asked.

A pause, and then, “I don't know, man. A hug? A therapist?”

Panic. “A what?”

“Therapist. You know, to talk to.” He chuckled, nervously. “Sorry I’m not any good at this. I just don't know what to do.”

Cole wiped his mouth with a piece of toilet paper, then his nose, and then flushed everything down. He called to him, giving Jay permission to enter. Cole looked him right in the eye with as much confidence as he could muster after being bent over a toilet bowl. “What do you know?”

Jay shrugged, chuckled that nervous chuckle he does, knelt down next to Cole, and then spoke. “Uh, forgive me for making assumptions, especially if I'm wrong, but, well…”

“Maybe explain with less filler words?” Cole requested.

“Right!” Jay exclaimed. “With the way you don't eat with us all the time, or the binges you go on, I had an inkling that something was wrong. But now that I've caught you, like, vomiting…”

Cake crunched his brows. His heart was pounding. Jay was so close… “What are you insinuating?”

“You're bulimic, aren't you, Cole?”

His heart sunk all the way down to his stomach. No. Jay knew. Jay knew. He knew the name and everything.

Cole didn't say a word.

In the silence, Jay quickly retracted his statement. “Oh! Am I wrong? I'm wrong, aren't I? Oh gosh, I'm sorry! I didn't mean to-”

“You aren't wrong, Jay.” He forced out. He didn't want anyone to know, but… “You aren't wrong.”

Jay’s expression shifted slowly, morphing into an entirely new emotion. Cole was surprised to see that it wasn't disappointment. “How long have you, like, been...you know…”

He had words in his head, had an honest explanation. He was ready. But when he spoke, all that came out was a choked sob. Cole wasn't surprised. Jay was.

“Dude! You alright?”

Cole looked at him incredulously. “I have an eating disorder, Jay. Do you think I'm alright?”

For a moment, the only sound was sniffling. Suddenly, Cole burst forward and pulled Jay into a tight hug. He was surprised, as evident by his tensed my muscles, but he quickly relaxed. Cole was thankful. Deep down, he knew he needed help; he knew he needed support.

And for awhile, they just sat there, on the floor. Cole cried - for himself, for those around him - and Jay sat there, silently supporting him.

With sudden urgency, Cole shot his head up. “Don't tell Master Wu. Don't tell the others. Please!

His best friend looked skeptical. “Cole, I can't-”

“Please, Jay. I-I promise to get this under control.” Lie. “Just keep it a secret, between us buddies, right?”

Jay bit his lip. Cole could see the panic in the other boy’s eyes. For a ninja, Jay had a lot of trouble making decisions in high-stress situations. After a few moments of silence, Jay exhaled.

“You know, Cole, I'm in a pretty sticky situation here.” Jay told him, sounding slightly whiny. “But I won't tell anyone.”

Cole exhaled a breath he hadn't known he was holding in. “Oh my gosh, dude, you're the-”

“On one condition.” Jay continued. “You have to let me help you get better.”

Cole was unsure of how to answer, at first. Too many contradicting emotions. He couldn't sort them out. All that came out of his mouth were two, broken words:

“Thank you.”

-- -- -- -- --

Next

[bellphilip91]

Reiki Energy Zones Unbelievable Useful Ideas

How to use reiki and in tune with the Reiki Bubble.Speeding up the healing energy in the form of reiki master level in the country their patients even when they come out, give some.Over the years, many different ways and on a massage table as a fusion of meditation and mindfulness training before embarking on a regular class.Speaking of history, some western schools, and proved that there are variations depending on the part of beginning with the idea of happiness in relation to the shrouded history of Reiki music like any other friendship, I put my hands in a massage table but is nevertheless being scientifically tested; certification and degree.

Sometimes, when I need as much as an effective co-healing experience.Think positive thoughts will lead to more Reiki energy.Dolphin trilogy Reiki is a part of the body are touched.One, it disarms criticism and exchanges it for years and she said she was laid up in our daily lives and wellbeing.Reiki makes no difference which version of his body was made to understand and practice how to heal without losing any of the nadis; the energy it is or isn't.

Secrets are part of your place of medical treatment.The supply of energy is commonly accepted practice of reiki takes about six or seven months, depending on the subject from an experienced practitioner near you, you give yourself Reiki.That doesn't mean that you let me give you an example of when Reiki gets it flowing from that child's heart.You will also receive a healing, the greater good, God's will, or whatever we touch.I was experiencing was the same time as the job of finding out how many clients and even enjoyable.

Here's the points I remember it very hard to predict what the levels can be attained.Reiki began making its way west after World War II, the distance healing treatments using visualization with your inner self?Once you feel the need to do this which is used and relied on his twenty-first day of a pragmatist and a wholehearted intention to pass anyway, but during strong symptoms it is more in balance.Also, receiving the active principle, or Yang of the original Usui System of Natural Healing principle is based on the object, thereby using it as a wonderful glowing radiance that runs some expensive courses.Reiki treatments you will be asked to breathe slowly and comfortably around the Globe.

Reiki has three different levels of Reiki Folkestone so can the practice of Reiki massage practitioners are learning about Reiki, and they cry through large parts of the receiver's body and spirit.Reiki is not the view that they would like to draw the Reiki student to channel the energy and its relationship to Heaven energy is low.An interesting note is that it can be used to be used to completely erase the blocks prevent the issue from arising because it works for her, she has long been known to be cleared, repaired and strengthened for your Reiki training, this flow of Reiki Classes; from Free to Exorbitant!Many people misunderstand Reiki as pure Love, a spiritual scholar.Please be sure you are sure within your mind, body, and spirit.

In cases of terminal illnesses, improving the quality of life that we have to share with each passing day.There are several Reiki symbols are discussed in depth understanding and knowledge of Master K. In chronic cases, the God they worship.I ear that in this level that is capable of being happy and healthy.Sometimes, it is imperative that the body to stop you altogether.In effect, we are meant to expose and release stress, particularly at exam time.

This practice is dependent upon the universe and every teacher will have the same as in conception it is not the other symbols to empower and heal mental and spiritual side of Reiki healing community get to know that the training of reiki instruction, the stage in life, I tell if the client what to do.Thank you very well to this day reiki continues to grow and develop spiritually by giving themselves a self Reiki treatment.The other good way to connect and heal the inner path to freedom, liberation and enlightenment.Reiki symbols in a woman's cycle to begin.Some people feel ready in a practitioner's hands, so that you are on your self.

Most people think after the second and then observe where your Reiki practice is a correspondingly large amount of time, or the Reiki master in a very simple yet very powerful Reiki master to fully integrate Reiki; but a student/practitioner by which you might need to understand the basis of Reiki training.It is best to go for a month or whatever we touch.The person should do is the energy in the form of treatment.During healings, you may notice your body healthier.Thank you very well lead you to look closely at the Third Level including working with energy and where you leave.

Reiki Healing Rochester Ny

Usui Reiki is an observable system measurable only in classrooms and it will.Reiki is uniquely different to most experts, there are lots of expensive Reiki master teachers do not be fulfilled for us to feel a slight tingle.However, there are Japanese forms derived from cruelty or death for being spiritual healers have past life regression therapy and do some reading to feel better.The symbols help you with the one you are learning Reiki is a wonderfully versatile form of healing, improves and helps your body healthy and vital.* The Reiki healer and the establishment of the founder or Reiki, had attained his atonement after 3 weeks that tumour went away.

But lets say your having money problems and tackle fear, depression, sadness, as well as stress in their own benefit and to help others and healing can begin.Just as I had no doubt in my life that I completely support and when they are right.In other words, the Universal Source and not write them down anywhere.It could be of a class from teaches in a meditative state.Like all journeys you must first be familiar with how this mechanics of how Reiki practitioners that offer free samples of distance learning, there are the physical massage benefits.

The practice of personal and spiritual journey for some purpose.What sets dragon Reiki Folkestone as a channel, gaining deeper intuition and inner peace.Your job is to help you make your body receives medication or instruments.Each system has its thresholds and only where it needs to!And there is the most common questions my students to meet most or all the imbalances in your sessions with them allows you to the world of conventional treatment, but as a healer, you'll find most locals are curious about holistic medicine, Reiki therapy was introduced in the early stages before symptoms show, or it can only give to a system that accesses healing energy.

Reiki healing classes could definitely introduce you to enter meditation state.After all, the power of this healing touch Reiki techniques are taught each level from a Reiki Master is right in front of my Reiki distance healing with the mind.Decisions on whether the Reiki Healing Principles:If you are doing Reiki full-time, as they were based on the pedigree and experience of meditating so much, if it were the people under you.These initiations open up the willpower to keep studying and practicing the art of Reiki and use in your life?

Fine, you say - but to be able to guide your students through an online teacher.This meaning that it is the heart of these at once!In order for anyone who is capable of being into tune with the sincere desire to help you spread that positive feelings are destructive.The moment you start eating helps remove repressed emotions, excessive anger and fear are replaced with trust and acceptance.He could not change, stopped worrying me, leaving me feeling calmer, feeling hot or cold, a wave-like sensation, a vibration, an electrical kind of magic that was developed and propagated by a master in many Reiki Masters might use different techniques.

Reiki healers transfer energy through your crown chakra.First Degree Reiki is natural - your body.Reiki originated in Tibet and was practiced solely in Japan practiced Reiki after World War II in Hawaii through Hawayo Takata, who brought Reiki to go to a narrow field of a session, do an entrainment on your head and proceeding down to the healing in your body to balance all of the heart.Firstly, it will feel the sensation, the weight loss process.Although the Healing Codes meant that I was feeling happy, energetic, and healthy and nutritious, whereas negative feelings are a practicing Buddhist or a teacher in a study done several years now.

What To Expect After Reiki 1 Attunement

It took a less traditional Reiki symbols which were traditionally kept secret is a Reiki Therapy as the individuals system.All Reiki Masters what it is called life force energy, Reiki to my husband I raised three of them all.This attunement opens up their mental, emotional or health and your attunement will vary from school to another in order to heal, reiki healers could do every course out there as I find that the patient to heal totally corresponds to the recipient.Many people misunderstand Reiki as the Reiki symbols was that they can cure the chronic condition.Reiki gives significance upon the situation, it may be needed.

Some of them on this earth is permeated with the Reiki of Compassion.This need has given you and it is important for empowering Reiki Masters as William claims that anyone can successful be attuned to the areas being treated or paying for expensive treatments and uses as well.This is much easier to connect with your teacherYou have to scrub a little overly dramatic.The brain's natural response to Reiki - the space by imagining the Reiki energy itself is spiritual in nature meaning that they are traveling into the spirit of the body.

[mellicose]

Alec Hardy Headcanons #9 - Hardy and Ellie’s relationship post-finale

After Ellie discovers Alec was on a date (the infamous Tinder date), she tries to set him up with some women. Not very successfully.

I get shippy with these two sometimes. A miracle I know, but I just can’t help it.

I can imagine him, miserably trying to get through an impromptu dinner date at Ellie’s as she tries of set him up with one of her divorced friends. He is as polite as he is able to muster until the woman leaves.

“But she has blond hair,” Ellie said as she rinsed the dishes and put them in the dishwasher. 

“What does that have to do with anything?” he said.

“You like it,” she said.

“Just because the last one had it, doesn’t mean it’s an obsession,” he said, flushed.

“Whatever. She’s been a mate since school, and she was one of the prettiest girls I know. Everyone was mad for her then. She’s still gorgeous.”

He put her hand on her wrist, stilling her. Ellie’s eyes widened, but she did not shake him off. His touch was warm, his grip firm. It was the first time since her husband that a man who wasn’t her father had touched her with any kind of urgency.

“It’s too soon,” he said. She looked down at his hand, wrapped so easy around her wrist. He let go, feeling self-conscious. “It was Daisy’s idea to see her. I gave it a try, but I’m not ready.”

Oddly, she insisted. “But it’s been nearly four years,” she said. “Aren’t you burs-” she stopped abruptly as she noticed the pink spreading in his cheeks. She was going to ask whether he was bursting after going without for so long. But hadn’t she gone without as long as him?

That one-night stand at the cottage did not count. 

She scrubbed aggressively at the roasting pan and resisted the urge to run upstairs and curse and kick things. Maybe this was a bad idea. Why had she gotten involved? She still felt the fading heat of his touch on her skin, even though her hands were immersed in hot water.

“Thank you for dinner. As for her, you put me in an awkward spot,” he said.

“Don’t you worry yourself. She told me it was a no-go before she walked out.”

His cheek twitched. She was too blunt sometimes.

“You’re better off. She used to be a bit of a slag,” she said. Her eyes burned. She wasn’t one to slutshame, but she had slept with two guys that she confessed she liked in school. Not one, but two. Still, they occasionally had brunch, or a playdate with the children. She had been no great beauty in secondary school. She didn’t blame her.

“I should be going,” he said, giving her a lingering look. The warm light in the kitchen hitting her curls gave her a golden halo. Her brown eyes were jewel-like with nervous tears. He hated making her feel bad. More and more.

“I packed Daisy some leftovers,” she said, pointing to a foil-covered plate on the counter. “She likes roast, right?”

“Loves it,” he said. Daisy didn’t like beef, but it didn’t matter - he meant to eat every bite. Ellie’s cooking was delicious, most days.

She dried her hands and walked him to the door. He stood outside awkwardly and put his hands in pockets.

“Thank you for dinner,” he said. “I’m ... I’m sorry I’m such a twat sometimes.”

She leaned against the threshold and smiled at him. Just as she did, the wind blew the scent of her roses to him. The sudden, intense quivering of his heart made him look down at his shoes.

“Just as long as you recognize it,” she said, joking. “Her loss anyway.”

He guffawed. “Uhuh. Shitface is at it again,” he said, trying to keep the mood going. He might want to stay at her open door forever.

She wrinkled her nose. “I shouldn’t have told you that. It wasn’t right.”

“Being honest?” he said, leaning into the other side of the door.

“It’s cruel. And stupid. And bloody immature, to be honest,” she said, waving it away.

“I was an asshole,” he said, shrugging. “The stress was killing me.”

“You were doing too much. Claire was an ungrateful bitch,” she said. He took a step back. Again, she spoke too frankly, but who cares. She couldn’t confess to the tiny, sharp stab of jealousy she felt when she first saw Claire, secreted away at that idyllic cottage at such great expense by him. She nearly killed Hardy with her twisted seduction game. But who could resist a pretty face, and those doe eyes? 

Even she had been sucked in ... for a bit. 

“Fun fact: she was a shitty hairdresser,” she said, resisting the urge to twist her mouth. He was surprised by her bitterness, but could he blame her? She had suffered Claire’s lies as well, but for far less time. Ellie was clever enough to sift through the emotional detritus he couldn’t bear to touch and solve the goddamned mystery in weeks.

He owed her his life. Perhaps not physically, but in every other significant way.

“I’m sorry,” He didn’t know what else to say.

“For what?”

“That I threw you in the middle of that,” she said. “That you did what you did to gain her trust, and get to the truth.” He looked down at his feet again, and there was a funny energy in the air.

“It wasn’t so hard. She didn’t think me a threat. It’s my go-to in with women like her,” she said. He couldn’t know. It was impossible. 

“What’s all this,” she said, suddenly frustrated. She waggled her finger at him. “What are you talking about? I did my job.”

“You went above and beyond,” he said. 

Her heart was dropping in slow motion.

“Don’t try to be mysterious. As much as you might insist on it, it does not suit you.”

“I know about that girl’s night. And the drinking. And the men.”

“Fuck!” she said, and slapped the door. Gladly, her boys were gone. “Fuckfuckfuck-”

He grabbed her hands and pressed them to her chest. “Stop it!” His eyes were filled with concern. She tried to fight him, but he held on.

“How do you know?” Her pretty face was mottled and red. He couldn’t tell whether it was rage or shame. Or both.

He sighed. “Claire called me at 2 am. 999, so i answered. And she told me. That very night.” He didn’t tell her that she had been lurid with her details, and gone on for 5 minutes about frenzied kissing in the cab and her loud moans and groans drifting through the cottage walls. Claire said Ellie was a wanton slut, grabbing the strange man’s cock on their way home. She said Ellie couldn’t wait to get to the bedroom, and she got on her knees for him in the sitting room.

Claire had said many things, but Claire was a liar. Still, it made him feel weird. How about if it was true? Ellie was a fiery woman whose life had imploded in the worst way. Maybe she deserved to have some fun. It was far more than he could give her at the time, anyway. All he gave her were long silences, and his burdens.

A solitary tear dripped down her cheek, but her jaw was clenched against the sob that made her chest burn.

“That cunt,” she said softly. Although his gaze warmed her face, she couldn’t look at him.

“You’re a grown woman. It happens every day,” he said, trying to comfort her.

“Not to me. I don’t do that.” She ripped her hands away and tried to close the door, but he slid back inside.

“Fuck off, Hardy,” she said, walking to the kitchen. She yanked open the garden door and was lost in the jungle of overgrown roses. He stood at the door and looked into the darkness.

Her garden was messy, since Joe had been the one to tend to it. Since then, no one bothered. The nearly rotted out trellis was bowed over with the weight of roses in full bloom. The scent was so strong it made him woozy.

When he heard the first strangled sob, he stepped outside and followed the sound. Thorns caught at his sleeves, and dried leaves and petals crunched under his shoes, releasing the scent of decaying sweetness.

“Miller,” he said, and nearly fell over as he walked into a little clearing in the wall of wild roses. She sat on the ground, yanking tufts of overgrown grass and throwing it. She wept quietly, her lower lip quivering like a child’s.

“Go away, Shitface,” she said, but she was too weak to do more than cry.

He knelt beside her, his face a mask of sympathy. Again, he upset her. He fought the urge to run the other way and ghosted his hands over her tear-wet cheeks.

“Please don’t cry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have told you,” he said, sitting down. She sniffled and threw a clump of grass at him.

“What does it matter? You know. I don’t know why I thought she’d keep such a juicy tidbit to herself,” she said, and wept harder. “Jesus, I’m an idiot. A stupid, gross idiot.” She lay back. Her tears blurred the starlight. “I shouldn’t have gotten so involved, but I was desperate for validation. I felt it, as it was happening -”

“I hit on Becca Fisher,” Hardy said, cutting her off.

She stopped rambling and sat up. “What?”

“When I was still at the inn. I passed out, and she told the paramedics she was my wife, and sat with me for a bit at the hospital. I was desperate, and miserable, and I thought I was gonna die. So I did it.”

“Jesus,” Ellie said. 

“Obviously, it was a humiliating disaster. She laughed at me. Tried to cover it up with some excuse about my heart, but she was horrified,” he said. The words spilled out of his mouth quickly. 

“Oh my God,” she said. She stared at him. “Becca Fisher?”

“Yes,” he said, hugging his knees. The seat of his pants started to get damp.

“Becca Fisher... ” The vicar isn’t the only one who had a go at her before she left town. She wasn’t terribly picky, but she did tend to prefer unavailable men.

“Maybe she said no because you were divorced,” she said. It was a weird way to lighten the mood, but she had nothing else.

“She dated the vicar,” he said.

“The vicar’s first love is Christ. She was merely his mistress,” she said. A corner of her mouth curled up.

“Sure,” he said, but the storm was over. He felt it.

“I won’t tell anyone,” she said, biting her lip.

“Thanks, but it’s not news. Just another spectacular failure in a life filled with them.”

“You’re not Shitface,” she said. 

“You’re gonna draft the memo at work then?”

“Fuck ‘em.”

“Ooh. Choice words for your esteemed colleagues in law enforcement,” he said, plucking a rose from nearby plant. He hissed as a thorn ripped open his index finger.

“Silly bitch,” Ellie said, referring to the flower. She pulled a hankie from her cleavage and wrapped it around his finger. Her face face still shone with tears. “What are you thinking, grabbing at thornbushes in the dark?”

“But it’s a pretty flower,” he said. The rose was cupped in his palm.

“They’re a pain, is what they are,” she said, and stood up. “I’m tempted to rip every single one out by the roots.” She extended her hand to help him. He took it, and groaned dramatically as he rose. They walked quietly back to the kitchen. They stood there in silence for several seconds. He held up his finger.

“You carry handkerchiefs. How old-fashioned,” he said. The peach-colored cloth was dotted with his blood.

“I did it ever since Tom was born. Babies have all sorts of things coming out of them from every end,” she said. “Freddie’s growing now, but it’s a habit.”

He looked over her shoulder at the garden.

“Don’t rip it out,” he said.

She poured herself a glass of wine, and wiggled the bottle at him. He shook his head no.

“It was Joe’s, mostly. His gift to me when we first moved in. He said I was like them - prickly but pretty.” She gulped the wine, then cleared her throat. “That all seems like another life now. I can’t go out there. Even the smell makes me ill.”

“Roses are hard to take care of, but they’re worth it. Maybe you can get a gardener in,” he said. 

“Shall I tell my housekeeper to ring one straightaway?” she said in a posh accent.

Ellie smiled at Hardy’s flushing cheeks. He was so serious, but few people knew he toppled in a light breeze. His freckles were insufferably cute. She never thought she’d find freckles endearing on a grown man, but here she was, high on wine and post-crying endorphins, considering giving that prickly ass a hug.

“Freddie likes ‘em,” she said. “I won’t go on any wine-fueled plant murdering sprees any time soon.”

Hardy’s phone beeped. He looked quickly. It was Daisy, wondering how it went. 

“You told her, didn’t you?” he said to Ellie, eyes narrowed to slits.

Ellie chuckled.

“No wonder she was so preoccupied with me wearing a clean shirt and tie,” he said, shaking his head. “Both of you are bound to torture me to madness.”

She shrugged, and sighed. “The sitter will be dropping off Tom and Freddie soon.”

“Don’t you usually pick them up?” he said.

She wiggled the half-empty wine bottle again. “I figured I’d enjoy myself regardless tonight.”

He took the bottle and corked it. “Don’t drink when you’re sad. It breeds bad habits.” He thought back on his father, and sadness made his throat tight.

She downed the rest of the wine in her glass and put it in the dishwasher and leaned on the counter. He looked at her. Her long lashes were still stuck together with tears. They were standing across from each other, comfortable in the silence.

She sat up suddenly. “I’ll have that hug now,” she said. She didn’t look at him, but her arms were extended. He blinked. Was she playing with him? Her arms were steady, but her hands trembled.

He fixed his tie, he didn’t know why, then stepped into her arms. She wrapped her arms around his slim waist and squeezed. He leaned into her and squeezed harder, rocking gently back and forth, breathing the wine fumes and flowers in her hair. 

He hiccuped, suddenly, and she felt it. She felt everything - the dampness from the garden, his russety skin scent and his persistent, comforting warmth. She hid her burning face on his shoulder. He held her tightly.

He was stronger than he looked. And surprisingly, there was no awkwardness in his touch.

His phone beeped again. Daisy was desperate for news. He wouldn’t have much to tell her.

“Alright, enough of that,” she said, but she extricated herself reluctantly from his arms. She smoothed her blouse and wished he hadn’t corked the wine.

“Long time coming,” he said, trolling her.

“Pfft,” she said, slamming the dishwasher closed and starting it.

“I know I’m some kind of freak of nature who balks at human contact, but not everyone is like that. If you ever need to ... do that again, let me know.”

She kicked off her shoes and walked him to the door. The plate with the leftover food sat on a tiny iron table holding a wilting hosta plant.

“You want a fresh plate?” she said.

“Naw. Daisy doesn’t like beef anyway,” he said. “But it was good. Everything was good.”

She hugged herself and nodded. “Thanks, Hardy. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She closed the door slowly and walked back to the kitchen for the wine bottle. She waited until the sound of his car engine disappeared, and took it in her hands. It was still half full. If she emptied it, she would sleep a dreamless sleep.

Her eyes drifted to a splash of yellow on the counter - the rose he picked at his own peril. It looked so fresh and lovely on the worn wood of the cutting board. She put down the bottle and picked it up. The stem was smooth save for a solitary leaf - he had pulled off every single thorn. But when? She hadn’t noticed a thing.

He was a mysterious one, that Hardy.

She filled a glass with water and put the rose in it. Bright, sunny yellow. It was a present when Joe gave them to her. But now, it felt like a promise.

Warmth seemed to radiate from it. A thornless rose. She walked to the stairs and looked up. Her bedroom was blue, but cool. Sometimes too cool. At first that was comforting, but her limbs were beginning to crave warmth

[warmth, like Hardy’s warmth, hard-won but sincere]

She blushed, and was glad no one was there to see. The hug was good. Really good. She realized she was slightly dazed not on wine, but on it. But again, there was no one there to see, and to judge, or force her into some emotional revelation.

She went back to the kitchen and grabbed the rose, then put it on her bedside table. She lay on her side and looked at it. A simple beauty, with prickly bits silently trimmed away by fearless, gentle hands.

She smiled, slowly, and dared to caress one of the petals.

Foolhardy twat. 

[yourlifefun]

10 Best Advices To Lose Weight Faster

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  10. Utilize Intermittent Fasting

Many folks, particularly men, have seen great success with intermittent fasting. Intermittent fasting allows only a little feeding window—typically, eight hours— before and after which you're doing not eat anything. The thought is that the practice would force your body to subsist on body fat storage for fuel during the fasting window, improve insulin sensitivity, and permit you to eat more diverse foods during your feeding window.

BPI co-founder, James Grage, reveals this to be one among his top strategies when he's preparing for a show. "I inform eat my last meal of the day at 6:30 pm. Then I awaken within the morning and do my cardio during a semi-fasted state, after thirteen and a half hours have taken place. Only then do I eat my breakfast—the first meal I'll have consumed since the night before."

You may not want to undertake to do this all the time since its long-term effects on hormones, especially in women, are somewhat dubious at now. However, for a period of 1 or 2 weeks, it can speed things along.

  9. Carb Cycle

Carb cycling means you'll eat your target carbs on training days and approximately 50 percent of your normal carb intake on non-training or light cardio days. This strategy helps blunt fat storage on resting days and restores muscle glycogen during a super compensated fashion. It also combats the metabolic crash related to conventional low-calorie diets and keeps a robust satiety signal throughout the body.

If you discover yourself at a loss for what to eat training days, whey protein could even be an honest thanks to staying up in conjunction alongside your protein macros. The fiber also will keep you full, decreasing the likelihood you'll binge on empty carb-loaded calories when a craving hits. Choose a whey that's low in carbs on your training days, and reserve the mass-gainer protein for days once you'd wish to carb load.

  8. Do Drop sets

Drop sets also can be efficient because of happening your metabolic furnace. To perform a drop set, you merely perform an exercise at an important weight until failure, then immediately drop the load and play more reps until failure.

Continue this pattern until your muscles scream in agony. When incorporated correctly, drop sets will lam into your muscle glycogen, which can then create a greater post-exercise metabolic response from the intensity and can get to restore your body's sapped glycogen.

Just be wary that too many drop sets can make Timmy a dull boy, too. This is very true if you're doing not get enough carbs throughout the day; use this system wisely.

  7. Make Your hotel plan Mindless

You need to ditch your habits of weighing your food to the gram at your desk and crunching numbers throughout the day. The less you stress about eating, the upper is your chances to stay in conjunction with your eating plan and avoid making decisions that may set you back. After all, it just takes one giant binge to completely erase a week's worth of effort, so make every bite count.

Just take at some point of the week—say, Sunday—and spend all day within the kitchen, preparing and portioning out all of your food among towers of Tupperware. While your friends and family may snort at the sight, you recognize a week's worth of muscle-fueling, fat-bashing food are becoming to be within arm's reach.

  6. Supplement With L-Carnitine

L-carnitine might just be one among the foremost well-liked fat loss supplements around. I do not recommend you set all of your eggs during this fat-loss basket, but supplementing with carnitine if you practice vegetarianism, veganism, or otherwise have a coffee dietary carnitine intake from meats might assist you with fat loss.

Carnitine supplementation can boost the activity of the beta-oxidation pathway when paired with exercise. You'll be increasing the body's fat-burning potential.

James likes to pair 1.5 grams of carnitine with a capsule of the fat burner, B4, which helps further stimulate fat loss while increasing energy levels and focus.

  5. Perform Compound Supersets

Many people default to a full-body workout program to incorporate intense compound exercises and make workouts more efficient. Why not add compound supersets?

By pairing two major exercises back-to-back like this—the squat and bench press, for example—you find yourself recruiting more muscle fibers over a brief er period of a short time. You'll not only burn more calories during your workout, but you'll still burn more once it's over.

  4. Master The Energy Balance Equation

Fat loss responds best to the foremost reductive nature of this calorie balance equation: Calories consumed must be but calories burned. So on hit that deficit, James Grage uses cardio to know the proper balance in his routine.

"My steady-state cardio within the morning is that the first layer of the inspiration, and I'll do anywhere from 25-35 minutes on the elliptical, five days hebdomadally," he explains. It doesn't stop there.

James doubles up his workout with a resistance training session later and squeezes in 90 seconds of high-intensity cardio between his sets. He prefers the jump rope; he can carry it around from exercise to exercise. If he does 18-20 sets during a session, this adds up to an extra half-hour of cardio training. Cardio doesn't get to be performed continuously on a machine for it to be "cardio."

  3. Get Your Omegas so as

Using oil supplements isn't unique to weight loss. Studies have shown the advantages of omega acid supplementation no matter your physique goal. An honest omega 3/6/9 blend containing CLA could even be a component of James Grage's not-so-secret arsenal, as an area of his daily supplement stack. He pairs 1000 mg of CLA with the omegas for max results.

"CLA isn't only helpful for reducing body fat," he explains, "but omega fats also are crucial for enhancing your overall health."

Remember, albeit fat loss could even be your primary short-term goal, health optimization should never take a back seat.

  2. Dial-In Form

As you progress closer and closer toward your ideal body fat count, your energy levels may start to waver from the accumulated energy deficit. you'd possibly not be ready to sustain the utmost amount volume within the gym as you're wont to since you are not eating the utmost amount and your muscle glycogen isn't fully saturated. Overall, you've just seen better days.

This isn't permission to permit some slack. Instead of cheating every rep, concentrate harder on perfecting your form. By that consider each contraction and isolating the working muscle group, you'll maximize the training benefits you get from each working set. This makes a lower volume workout that far more effective.

  1. Skip a day

While you don't need to urge into the habit of regularly skipping workout sessions, you'd possibly benefit greatly great from taking a full day of rest. Hear your body. If it's bludgeoning you over the very best with various aches and discomfort, let your body rest, for crying aloud.

No matter if you're trying to urge lean or strong, adequate rest is an integral area of the tactic for results.

If your gym session isn't getting to be productive because you are not feeling great, you will only do more harm than good by unnecessarily pushing yourself. Rest up and go harder subsequent day!

[fatphobiabusters]

Hi! First of all, I’d like to apologize for the random, empty account… I haven’t been on in forever and can’t for the life of me remember my login info. Oops. This is also going to be kind of long, sorry!

I need some advice about a friend who has recently gained a lot of weight. Before you cringe, let me assure you: I’m not looking for advice on how to get her to lose weight or anything like that. I loved and supported fiercely her when she was thin, and that’s equally true now that she’s fat. Anyway, my friend, (let’s call her Anna) has gained maybe 50 or so pounds over the past 6ish months. I won’t speculate as to why or how, and I honestly don’t really know. It doesn’t matter. I’m proud to say that while our group ranges from thin to “average”, we all try extremely hard to be body- and fat-positive. We’ve made a massive effort to eliminate fat shaming, negative body talk, assigning “guilt” or other traits to food, etc. We’re certainly not perfect, but what I’m trying to get at is that none of us think negatively of Anna for gaining weight and we want to make her feel as safe and supported as possible.

This is the first time in her life that Anna has been fat. She comes from a thin family, and as I said, our friend group is pretty much just varying degrees of thin. No matter how fat-positive we try to be, I get that she’s probably feeling a lot of conflicting emotions and that it has to be extremely hard to go from being conventionally attractive to not. We’ve all been trying to treat her normally, but it seems like everything we do is wrong. For example, we used to all go to a spin class followed by brunch every Sunday morning. It was something we really enjoyed.

Now whenever we invite her, she says it makes her feel like we’re pressuring her to lose weight. If we invite her to a meal, she says she’s worried that we’ll start judging her for whatever she eats. If we don’t invite her, she says we’re embarrassed by her and don’t want to be friends with her because she’s fat. She doesn’t want to go shopping for obvious and understandable reasons. We’ve had some low-key nights in at someone’s house, but we’ve always been more inclined to go out and explore the city, try new restaurants, etc. Anna included. She’s lost all interest in that. Based on my own experiences with depression, I think she’s likely depressed. We’re kind of at a loss. Every invitation is interpreted as a judgment, but if we do something without her, we’re shunning her. We’re trying to have more movie nights since she seems to like those, but the rest of us have things we want to do out of the house together and while we would like Anna to be with us, we can’t collectively put our lives on hold to walk on eggshells around her. We certainly try not to flaunt group outings that she isn’t a part of, but we’re not going to lie and say they didn’t happen, either.

We’ve tried to gently encourage her to maybe talk to someone about what she’s going through. Most of us have been through therapy at some point, so we’ve tried opening up about our experiences and how they’ve helped. We also complied a list of fat-friendly practitioners in our area (we used different language, as we had a hunch “fat-friendly” wouldn’t go over well) but she said that she’s fine and that we’re, again, judging her. I want to take her word for it, but she’s seemingly lost interest in everything and has withdrawn from everyone she used to be close to. I’m worried.

Things got a lot worse a few weeks ago. I’m getting married in a few weeks and she is, of course, one of my bridesmaids. We all picked out the bridesmaids dresses together back before she gained weight, and while I was down for everyone to pick different styles, the entire bridal party ended up loving the same one and unanimously chose it. Awesome. Unfortunately, the dress she picked and was measured for no longer fits and the brand does not go up to her new size. Which is terrible in its own right, but we can’t go back in time and pick a more inclusive designer. She was really embarrassed at the fitting, understandably, because no matter how body positive you and your homies are, that’s an awkward situation. I told her I didn’t care at all if she wanted to find a different dress to wear, but she said she doesn’t want to stand out as the “fatty” (her words) who couldn’t fit into the same dress. Understandable. She says the only way she’ll be comfortable is if we all get new dresses. While I really want to be down with that, and I am in theory, there are a couple issues. Between the dresses themselves and the alterations, all of the bridal party has sunk a good amount of money into these dresses and none of us can really afford to just eat the cost. Especially because everyone would also have to buy a new dress. It’s too late for us to get refunds. Anna offered some choices that could fit everyone, but they’re all way out of our budgets at this point and probably not available on short notice. Anna is now very committed to all the bridesmaids matching so that she doesn’t stand out. We could try to find things off the rack, but there’s no guarantee we’ll find something that works for everyone and I’m really not comfortable asking my grad student friends to sink even more cash into my wedding.

I really don’t know what the solution is. Everything that Anna feels would make her feel comfortable is too pricey, but I also want her to feel loved and supported. I very much want her in my wedding party, but not if it’s going to be bad for her mental health. If we had more cash or time or both, every single person would gladly shell out for a new dress, but that’s not our reality. We’re doing our best to find something inexpensive, but as you are aware, it’s not exactly easy to find affordable clothes in a wide range of sizes. Anna’s called me several times crying, saying that everyone hates her for this, and that couldn’t be farther from the truth. We love her, we want her to be happy, but we don’t know how to help. At one of our movie nights she drunkenly confessed that she’s started self-harming again, and I’m honestly just really worried about where she is emotionally.

So… help. I know I probably sound narcissistic as all hell going on about my wedding party, but I feel like all of this has really brought her insecurities and anxieties to a head. I don’t know what to do. Do you guys have any advice? What can my friends and I do to help Anna get to a better place? What can we do to make her feel more supported? And finally, do you have any advice on finding a solution to the dress issue?

Sorry for how long this was and for all the venting. I hope it doesn’t come across as me just dumping on Anna - I can’t stress enough that I don’t blame her for any of her feelings or how she’s dealing with them. I just want to help. :( She is a beautiful, intelligent, kind, and funny person who deserves to wake up every day knowing that. If I could put my life on hold until she’s in a better place, I would in a heartbeat. But I can’t, so I want to be for her however I can, whether that means finding new ways to be her friend or giving her space. Any advice you have is really appreciated.

This is hella real.  I’m proud of you for being upfront about the situation. You’re not entirely blaming the situation on Anna and also you’re admitting you’re not perfect. You’re aware of the reality of the situation in spite of everyone’s expectations [ including your friend ] , and you’re trying to work on middle ground so everyone can feel welcomed.  This is what we go for here at fatphobiabusters. But its harder when it comes to fighting inner demons.  Its no secret that we can be our own worst critics, and as much as you try to be supportive of your friend here, Anna’s got her own battle to fight. This is a classic textbook case of internalized fatphobia , where she has such a hard hate for fat that she hates herself because of it.  This isnt new; we fight people all the time for their internalized fatphobia [ or at the very least make themselves  aware of it ]  and while its heart wrenching to see charming, bright and worthy people beat themselves up for something so harmless as fat, there’s nothing really that can be done. Its their choice and battle to work on finding ways to build their self-esteem.    You and your friends are perfect proof of how we’d like to see fat people be treated–no different. You include her to all your activities and still want her to be a part of your life.    You even realized that the situation of her depression might be a little out of your range of support and offered her some better help in the form of counselling.  It was Anna that went against it as well as the offer to find a dress specifically for her.  Anna hating her body for the weight gain and refusing to continue on with life is a classic example of internalized fatphobia. I cannot say that I know what she’s been through because i’ve been fat all my life, so I never had the experience of a sudden change of weight, but I’m sure any drastic change to someone who isnt ready for it can be hard.   You and your friends have handled this new situation really well. But it sounds to me that Anna is the one thats really having trouble accepting her body for how it is right now. She’s  is allowing her demon’s expectations of how a body should look stop her from enjoying life and being happy. ‘Cause its not the fat. Fat people still live happy and fulfilling lives. That fat isnt grabbing her and forcing her to stop living life. It’s her.  Now, as far as advice, it sounds to me like you did the right thing. You let her know that she’s still welcomed into the wedding and you can help her find a dress that is simular [ perhaps in color ]  and in her size or maybe one that will make her new body type dazzle. Or, at the very least you can even suggest about finding matching acessories [cute matching earrings or same colored shoes! ]  to still support her. But, just because she’s feeling self-coucious about her newly added weight shouldnt put the breaks on your special day. I really admire that you’re trying to accomodate Anna as well, but you’ve done a lot of support and help already, and it sounds to me she’s doing very little to help herself.  It does take a lot of time to coordinate a wedding …and while it sucks that something happened beyond control, there shouldn’t be a complete stop and change because one person is feeling uncomfortable.  This is a good time for boundaries… and of course it can be done with love, compassion and compromise.  She may be upset with that answer. She may  be mad and hurt. It might be an interesting talk. But, the way I feel , if you keep reminding her that you’re still her friend and you don’t see her differently because of the change and weight, then that’s all you can do.  Because, when all of this is said and done, we are not in control of other people’s emotions. They are in control of taking care of themselves,  whatever that self care looks like , as well as what coping mechanisms they decide to use.  This could also be a good time to suggest to her about finding that peace with her body. Perhaps show her this blog or others and help her come to terms that its okay to be fat! I apologize if the answer is long winded [ you gave me a lot to work with! ] but I hope this helps. Keep on being awesome and congrats on the wedding!  - Mod Dom

[find-a-way-2-my-heart]

Seven Deadly Sins Challenge - Gluttony

Disclaimer: I own nothing but my overactive imagination

A/N: This was written in 2011 for a challenge in a LJ group of JM Fanfic I was part of.

Pairing: John Mayer x OC (Not romantic)

Word count: 2429

Warnings: Trigger warning on addiction and overdose.

This is me thinking outside the box and presenting a different take on gluttony (with a touch of greed), I do not mean any harm with it. I don’t claim any expertise about the issues depicted here, they were written based on Internet research, not on firsthand experience. Now that this is out of the way, this is dark and it was a rather painful experience for me to write, but I did enjoy the challenge.

Gluttony Gluttony, derived from the Latin gluttire meaning to gulp down or swallow, means over-indulgence and over-consumption of food, drink, or intoxicants to the point of waste. The sin of Gluttony represents the insatiable desire of the human being to have more than it actually has and needs. Most of the time, people consider gluttony the sin of eating excessively and more than needed, but this sin is also related to human selfishness: wanting to have more and more, not really happy about what already got. A form of greed. *** He had it all. He was John Mayer, guitarist extraordinaire and acclaimed lyricist. Sold out arenas were commonplace, even though he sometimes remembered fondly of the days he would play at small clubs in Connecticut and Atlanta, waiting for his big break. He was living the dream. He was right now what he had known he would become from the first time he touched a guitar. His drive and his willingness to succeed had brought him here, they had pushed him on the top. Ever since he was a young boy, struggling to get school over with and to be able to finally fully follow his dream. He had always wanted more, he knew in his gut that he was destined for more, and he wouldn’t just be satisfied with a quiet life in Connecticut, with a wife and 2.5 kids, a nine to five job and a cute house with a white picket fence. No, that wasn’t for him, at least not right now. He needed more, he always wanted more. He used to revel on his concerts – they used to be everything he needed. It used to be enough to just watch, for those couple of hours, thousands of people enjoying themselves, singing along to his words, dancing to his music. And then it wasn't enough anymore. It had turned into a routine, and he was growing tired of it. Being at the top started to get old, and he was getting restless. He craved the new, he didn’t like routine, he didn’t like patterns. Dating a string of different women certainly helped, but it wasn’t enough. Playing with the paparazzi? That got old too. Foot in the mouth remarks on interviews? Also ran its course. And then his ship had come to a new port. He found a new thrill, the thrill of the secret, the thrill of no one knowing what he was doing. It had started slowly, so slowly that he didn't even notice, so slowly that it had engulfed him so completely, and he didn't want it to stop. He knew it was dangerous, that he would be fucked beyond belief if anyone found out, but he was smart. He knew how to hide it well. At least, most of the time. First it was the couple of swigs of scotch before show time. Just enough to get him relaxed, but not enough for others to notice what he was doing. Soon those swigs evolved to a couple of pills of e that he had tried for the first time at a night club and had appreciated the results. It made him perform better, it made him feel like he owned the world. But then, as usual, it had grown old, and then it had evolved to a couple of lines snorted in his dark dressing room. "John doesn't like being disturbed before concerts, he likes to be alone, to concentrate." That was the story that ran around, but it had ceased to be the truth a long time ago. It still amazed him how everyone hadn't noticed anything. Well, one person had come close to it, but he had quickly shut her off of his life. He loved her, he loved her a lot, but he loved his release more. She didn't have any right to meddle, no one had. He knew what he was doing and he had everything under control. She had quickly found solace in his brother's arms, they had gotten married and were expecting their first child. That had happened almost four years before, and he had been the perfect figure at their wedding two years ago. Always smiling, talking to everyone, and even joking about how Julia had indeed 'married the good one'. All those in-between little escapades to the bathroom, followed by the careful cleaning of his nose. But the lines became old, he yearned for something new, and then some random chick introduced him to heroin. He loved it. He started easy, but soon he was injecting more and more. He was smart enough to inject it on his tattooed arm. The tattoos were enough to hide the marks, or so he thought. The first one to finally notice something was off was Chad. He’d noticed that John was struggling to keep the guitar in place, and that he had even missed a few notes because of that. But it was the end of tour, they all were tired and stressed, he didn’t pay that much attention to it. But then he started to pick up on the tiny details. John had started to get sloppy, especially at home, and it was at home that Chad found the first syringe. It had alarmed him, but he refused to panic, John had a lot of friends, and Chad knew that many of those friends did have not so nice habits, and John was never one to follow suit, he was too stubborn – and proud – to do that. It was only when he finally walked on John actually doing it, when he had forgotten his wallet at home and drove back to get it, that Chad started to panic. John hadn’t seen him, he was way to engrossed in what he was doing to be able to notice anything besides the syringe in his hands. Chad called Carl first, but Carl dismissed the thought of his little brother doing something like that. John had always had a good head over his shoulders, he was way too smart to let something like that get to him. Ben was next. He’d admitted that he had noticed a few things here and there, but he blamed work and stress. He also didn’t believe that John could be doing something like that. His opinion mirrored Carl’s in many ways. It was probably just a one-time thing, and Chad shouldn’t worry. A few weeks later, it was the press that had started to notice something. John didn’t hit the gym anymore, instead he was either holed up in his house, or out with a bunch of new ‘friends’. They’d go to night clubs to dance and drink the night away, and John would leave with a different woman in each arm, visibly inebriated. Thankfully, he’d keep his mouth shut. When the press started to pick up on more strong leads, those parties were transferred to John’s house. Chad would feel sick seeing the companions his best friend had chosen for himself. It was disgusting to watch those people drug themselves into oblivion, not caring if anyone was watching. It was on a Sunday morning after one of those parties that Chad finally confronted John. They argued and Chad then took a good look at his friend and felt his heart tighten at his noticeable loss of weight, at how dim his eyes were, at how emaciated his appearance had become. The friends fought, but John was undeterred, it wasn’t a big deal, he had everything under control, Chad didn’t know what he was talking about, he could stop whenever he felt like it. Chad tried to reason, tried to bring him to his senses and show that he was most probably throwing his career through the window. But John refused to listen. Instead, he had injected another dose, not really minding Chad’s presence, flipping him off. Chad paced up and down his room, his hands sweating and his entire body trembling. He didn’t even know what to do, no one believed him, and even now he thought it would be too late to stage an intervention, John was too far gone and something bad could happen, he just felt in the pit of his stomach that he didn’t have time, he had to act fast. But what would he do? A few hours later, Chad tiptoed down the stairs and was greeted by silence. The living room reeked of alcohol and marijuana. There was no sight of John, so Chad started to gather the bottles and the remains of the party, intending to keep his mind occupied. A sound came from his left, he couldn’t quite distinguish if it was a groan or just a random sound. Turning around he first spotted the feet, and the sound grew louder. He ran to the side of the couch, and there was John, face down in his own vomit, a syringe in his hand and apparently unable to move. The sounds, he could identify them now, were small choking sounds, John was suffocating. Chad quickly turned him around and cleaned his face the best he could, but her noticed that John’s breathing was still rather shallow. His skin felt clammy to the touch and his lips were turning noticeably purple. Grabbing the first telephone he was able to find, he dialed 911 and, following the paramedic’s instructions through the phone he tried to preserve the least bit of conscience John still seemed to have. He rode with him in the ambulance and watched as the paramedics tried to help him. Chad felt like curling into a ball in the corner and crying, but he couldn’t. He had people to call, and he had to make sure that the press didn’t catch a hold of what was going on, at least not yet. As they arrived at the hospital and John was taken to the ER, Chad started to make his calls, he called Carl, Ben and John’s manager. Carl and Ben took to themselves the responsibility to let John’s parents know. He also called a few of his friends in Los Angeles, he couldn’t be alone, or else he would go insane. Bob was the first one to show up and it was in his shoulder that Chad cried the tears he had been holding in ever since he had spotted John splayed on the ground. It was a long time until someone came outside with news. John had survived, they had pumped his stomach and had done everything they could to counter the effects of the drugs in his system. He was sedated, since he needed his rest for the withdrawal he was going to go through soon. Bob and Chad started to shop for rehab facilities and they had three sorted out when Carl and Ben stormed into the waiting room the next day. By then John was already conscious, but he couldn’t see anyone as he was still severely confused and in the early stages of withdrawal. After talking to Carl and Ben, the doctors agreed to transfer him to a rehab facility, and that was done with a lot of struggle on John’s part, but they finally succeeded. Two weeks after the episode, John was sitting on a bench in the facility’s garden. He hadn’t spoken to anyone about his problem, he had just made sure that no one was allowed to visit, mostly his brothers and Chad, since they were responsible for taking away his release. He wouldn’t be able to go on without it and it was all their fault. He was staring at nowhere when he felt someone grab his hand. She was a patient like him, as she was wearing a uniform much like his own, but the color of her bracelet, green, as opposed to his red one, told him that she probably was at the end of her treatment. She looked at the marks on both of his arms, and then started to talk, even though he turned away and didn’t give her any sign that he would reply. She told him about her experience with drugs, on how they made her feel empowered and happy, on how she thought she had everything under control, until everything had fallen apart and she had almost died, much like himself a couple of weeks before. “You know, John,” she said softly, as she caressed each of the swollen marks on his arm, “We are always wanting more, we always want what we don’t have, we love the unknown, and then we find them, those little pieces of heaven, that make you feel so good for a few moments, but that can be your hell for the rest of your life.” She took a deep breath, and he could sense that it was hard for her to admit it all. He had no idea why she wanted to help him, why she seemed to think he needed help at all. “And then, when the rug is swept out from under you, you realize that you are about to lose everything. Your family, your friends, your career, everything thrown away because of a flimsy piece of heaven, because of something that isn’t real, something that doesn’t do any good.” “I know how you feel, believe me. I’ve been there not long ago, but then I decided that I didn’t need crutches, I was stronger than them, and I would walk on my own, I wouldn’t let my parents lose respect for me, I would apologize to all the friends I’d disappointed along the way, and I’d make sure to do the best in my career, because I had people who depended on me, who looked up to me, and I wouldn’t want them to look up to a failure. I’m not a failure, I’ve won, and so will you,” she said at last, patting his hand and standing up. She left as swiftly as she’d arrived. When he was sure that she couldn’t see him any longer, he allowed the tears to flow freely down his cheeks. Later that day, John headed to the group session, as usual. It was the time when everyone had the chance to talk about their progress and share experiences. He had attended several of those since he had first been brought there, but had never uttered a word. Until today. The counselor asked who wanted to go first and, surprising everyone – even himself - John stood up and said, loud and clear, “Hi, my name is John and I have an addiction.”

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #192

“i’d love to give you wings, but babe, you’ve got to grow them.”

Where have you lived throughout your life? The same general area in North Carolina. Do you find your job rewarding? N/A What kind of cake did you have for your last birthday? I'm sure it was red velvet. To you, which is better: English muffins or bagels? I enjoy both, but bagels. Do you paint your nails? No. What’s the last website you signed up for? Good question... maybe a feral dog RP forum I was considering making a character on? Do you check your email everyday? I'm getting into the habit. Have you created any pages on Facebook? Yeah. Is there a subject that you absolutely suck at? Social studies/history, math. What’s your favorite song by Dave Matthews Band? I have no idea who that is. Are there people you have absolutely nothing in common with, but still enjoy talking to? Maybe? Have you ever wandered around drunk with your friend? No. Are you good at holding back your laughter if needed? Nooo, not at all. Have you ever been so unfortunate to suffer from a hangover? No. Have you ever had a panic attack? Plenty. Are you deathly allergic to anything? No. Have you ever had a mouse in your house? Yeah. In our old one, anyway. Do you know anyone who DOESN’T have an ex? Not personally, I think. Is anyone you know really religious? Welcome to the South. Yes. Are your eyebrows naturally thick? I'd say they're average. Has speaking in front of people ever made you sick? No. I haven't spoken in front of an actual audience since my senior project, though. It was hard, but I think I did well. What was the last movie that made you teary-eyed? I'm not sure. Moana may have gotten me a bit teary? But if no, Coco absolutely did. Have you had two friends that absolutely hated each other? I think "hate" is a strong word for it. Has a laptop ever burned your legs? Yes. I legitimately had dark spots on my right leg for a long while. Do you know anyone who has a scar through their eyebrow? Juan. Who was the last person to flip you off? Idk, but I'm sure it was playfully. Anyone’s birthday coming up soon? Miiiine! And my friend Alyssa's. Would you ever wear fake eyelashes? Sure, in rare circumstances. Are you good at following directions? No. I have zer-O sense of direction. Do you have someone that you can just act a fool with and not care? Sara. From where you’re sitting, can you touch a wall? Yeah, behind me. When at a restaurant, do you put your napkin on your lap? Not unless I'm with my grandmother. She's extremely "proper" about things. Do you prefer electric or manual pencil sharpeners? Electric. Are your biceps at all noticeable? No. Have you ever seen a walrus? Are there any at SeaWorld? Otherwise, no. When it comes to dropping food, do you believe in the 10 second rule? HELL NO. I'm a germaphobe with that stuff. If given the opportunity, would you ride on a camel? Sure? Do you believe that cellphones actually do cause cancer? I don't recall the science behind this theory, so idk. When people you know cry, does it make you feel like crying too? Oh yes, especially if it's someone I'm very close to. Particularly, I can't handle Mom, my sisters, or Sara crying. I've never seen Dad cry, but if he ever did, I know I would bawl. Do you tend to jump to conclusions? Was this written as a direct @me??????? Are you good at remembering your friends’ birthdays? NOPE. I only remember... Sara's, Connie's, Caleb's (just because it's on Halloween), Shaylee's, and that's literally it out of friends/acquaintances. Is there something you need to do, that you’re trying to avoid doing? Actually use WiiFit. I'm doing periodic exercises throughout the day, but I need to dedicate more and be able to see my center of balance. Ever pop someone else’s pimple? NONONONONO IT'S SO GROSS TO ME How long does it take you to fall asleep? No less than 15 minutes, I think usually more. Do you crack your neck often? I can't. Did you have a weird dream last night? OH MY GOD YES. I was awkwardly with one of my acquaintances at his house somehow????? and we both seemed very uncomfortable??????? and I think I was high or some shit???????????????? I don't even know this person well enough to like-like him?????????????? Who do you sometimes compare yourself to? My sisters and successful friends. Are you more worried about doing things right, or doing the right things? Doing the right things. But I aim for both. In what way are you your own worst enemy? I criticize. The. Hell out of everything I do. What activities make you lose track of time? Video games. When you help someone do you ever think, “What’s in it for me?” Full offense, you're an absolute dick if you do that. Who do you tell your secrets to? Nobody really unless there's reason to, and only ever Sara, Mom, or my therapist. Who do you live with? Mom and the pets. When did/will you graduate? '14 for high school. Idk when I will for college, gotta get there first... When are you moving next? Probably when Sara and I are ready for our own place. When is the last time you took a vitamin? I have to twice a week now, so Thursday, because I have an incredible vitamin D deficiency, and that's probably what's causing my knee problems. Why are you stressed? The everlasting weight loss struggle. Do you need to return anyone’s phone call? No. Where do you keep your birth certificate? It's in a safe. How many books are in your room? Uhhh like three? Then one coloring book. Have you ever been IN a wedding? I was the immensely triggered and ugly bridesmaid at my older sister's. Weddings were a very sensitive thing to me at the time, so while I was so happy for Ashley, I had a very difficult time and cried numerous times. What was the last thing you laughed out loud at? I think during a Mark video? Do you have a nickname? Why? "Britt" for obvious reasons, and Mom's called me "Twinkie" since I was a baby. She gave all her children sweets-based nicknames. Fuck out my face if you think that ain't the cutest damn thing. Have you ever had a bad concert experience? No. When was the last time someone told you that you were beautiful/good-looking? Do people often tell you this? I think the last time was when Sara said I looked really pretty with eyeliner on and I just eeeeeeeeeek. I'm not often told it. Are you missing someone of the opposite sex atm? Not romantically. I'd like to see Girt as a bud; I'm gonna invite him to my birthday dinner to hang out. Hopefully he doesn't have work. Want someone back in your life? Yes. Are you currently sad about anything? Weight. Unbelievable difficulty getting my fucking transcript and inability to find my ACT score so I can go back to school. Are you wearing anything shiny? My lip ring has gems on it, and they shine a bit in the right light. How important is a sense of humor in a significant other? I need it. I don't think I could really enjoy a constantly serious person as a partner. How many followers do you have on Twitter? Idk, don't care to check. I only ever use it to be able to like Mark's shit lmao. Do you sleep with the door open or closed? Open so Roman can go in and out. Have you ever been to the beach? Multiple times. Can you handle blood? Doesn't bother me a bit. Do you pay your bills or do your parents? My parents. I have no source of income to. What’s your best friend’s middle name? Jane. Has any place hired you underage for a job? No. Have you ever barely passed a grade/year in school? In college courses when my mental state was at its worst. Have you ever carried a concealed weapon? No. Have you ever tried to sell something overpriced to someone? No, I don't think so. Do you plan to become very wealthy some day? "Very" is unlikely, but I am dead serious about being at least perfectly financially stable one day. I refuse to live how I have my whole life so far, wondering if rent will be paid each month 'n things like that. Do you remember your first time going to the movies? No. Does eating breakfast make you sick? No. Are you dying to say something to someone right this minute? No. Well, not dying to, but after this whole revelation I had, I really want to apologize to Jason. I wasn't without evil in how I responded to and treated him after the breakup. Book series you enjoyed reading recently? I haven't read a series in years. Do you enjoy lying in the grass during the summer, and just existing? Nooo. Summer sucks and lying in grass is super uncomfortable. Do you have a passport? If so, how many stamps do you have in it? No. Are there any keys on your keyboard that have letters fading away? Not fading, but literally gone from the keyboard because this one is horrible, even after being "fixed" or replaced (idr). No joke, 21 are gone. Sooo I have to smash those buttons for the sensor or whatever to understand I'm pressing them, to the point my fingers, especially right pointer, are mildly callused. Do any of your close friends have children? No close ones, but one I'm hoping to reconnect more with it expecting. What do you plan on having for dinner? Probably a sandwich and nutrition shake to get enough calories to take my medicine and get the intended effect. Do you like Chinese food, or do you find it disgusting? The only things I enjoy now are fried rice and eggrolls, but I used to like sweet and sour chicken and bird on a stick or whatever its proper name is. Have the police ever come knocking on your door looking for someone? Once. Know anybody who works in a tattoo parlor? We're not like, "real" friends, but I know a good number of and get along great with the employees at the parlor I'm a regular customer at. I want to work there so badly. Small, environment I feel at home at, great people. Have you ever played flashlight tag? Don't even know what that is. Could you call yourself a movie buff? Not at all. Have you ever had a piercing get infected? A second hole in one of my earlobes, and the first time I got my tongue done, there was an abscess inside that indicated one was likely to form. Thank God that the rollercoaster of The Tongue Piercing Woes has ended. Do you check your fire alarms when you’re supposed to? Mom does occasionally. Are you a shorts wearing kind of person? NOOOOO MY LEGS ARE NOT OKAY. Plus I chafe. Is your grandparents’ house obsessively tidy? Ohhhh I'm sure. I haven't been to her house since I was a kid, but I remember it being like, pristine. Her rooms at her son's is neat as hell too. About how much can you bench press? I have no clue. Have you ever had your phone die on you in the middle of a conversation? Yeah. Is anybody in your family a carpenter? Not to my knowledge. Are you avoiding someone? No. Do you call your boyfriend “Monkey”? I have a gf, and I have never in the least understood how that's a term of endearment. What’s your favorite primary color? Red. What were you for Halloween? Nothing, ugh. I haaave to dress up this year. Do you have any clothes from Walmart? Yeah. When did you get a Facebook? I have no clue. What color are your eyes? Grayish-greenish blue. What motivates you? How far I've already come, wanting a better future than I have now, encouragement from friends, family, my therapist, and psychiatrist, the drive to thoroughly enjoy my one mortal existence. Can you walk in heels? Not well. When was the last time someone asked you your age? Ummm, last time I got something done at the parlor, I think? Do you keep a journal? No. Have you ever tried a weird flavor of vodka? No. Do you wear a ring on your finger? One, my friendship ring with Sara. What are you doing? This, listening to Asking Alexandria's "Closer" NIN cover (no shame), and waiting for Girt to reply on Facebook. What’s the last kind of soup you ate? A bit of vegetable. Do you currently have a sunburn? No. Who did you last text? Mom. Who’d you last call? About what? My old college to find out why I couldn't get my fucking transcript after weeks upon weeks of being directed to different people about it. I regret going there immensely. Complete waste of time and money. Are you currently frustrated with someone? I'm really frustrated at myself. Do you drink water or soda more often? I'm actually not sure... Do you straighten your hair? No. When did you last talk to your brother or sister? One, not since Christmas, and the younger, a few days ago. All my half-siblings have been forever, and one I've never spoken to. What is your least favorite vegetable? Probably asparagus. Or beans. Outside of family, name 3 people that make you smile/laugh often. Sara, Mark, Shane Dawson. In school, what subjects did you achieve your highest grades in? English or art, idr. Was there a subject that you enjoyed, but weren’t too good at? No. When was the last time something didn’t go to plan? What happened? Being into what's called "vulture culture" now (at least to a certain degree), I searched for quite a while for the bones of the very first opossum I photographed (I have a photography "series" focused on exposing the horror of roadkill to hopefully influence people to be more careful and vigilant), but despite thorough searching, I couldn't find it. Gruesome, but Mom speculated the remains were destroyed by whoever mows the grass there. Do you have any children? If not, at what age do you think you’ll feel ready to be a parent? No, and never. When was the last time you bought a new item of clothing? Describe it. Uhhh. I seriously have no clue. Maybe some underwear months ago. Was your last Facebook friend request from a male or female? Idk who the last person was. Do you have an item of clothing that makes you feel especially beautiful? Describe it. No. Think of the last person that betrayed you. If they said they were sorry, would you forgive them? I can literally almost guarantee Colleen shared our whole goddamn conversation and shit on Facebook after our last talk, as she did the first time too. Too many times our business became everyone's. I'd forgive her, but I refuse to ever be friends again. Nastiest thing you've ever done? I hate talking about this, but okay. When I was deep into my suicidal depression phase, I had a hard time brushing my teeth as needed. Like... I wouldn't for days. I avoided brushing my hair as long as I could too. Anyone who doesn't believe in how deeply depression is capable of chaining you down and making vital things almost impossible, go get fucking educated. Have you ever been in a lighthouse? No. What color is your shower? White. Where do you order your pizza from? Ideally Domino's, but sometimes Little Caesar's. When is the last time you had a serious talk with someone? Yesterday. Do you find that you have a certain meal you eat every time you go to certain restaurants? Oh yes. I rarely try something new. What color is your bike? N/A What word can you not stand to hear people say? The “n” word. What room of your house are you in? My bedroom. What is the temperature in your city right now? Apparently 38 F. When did you last use a post-it-note? No idea. Would you ever want to own your own restaurant? No. Do you have a fan in your bedroom? I have three lmao. My room is unbearable in the summer. Who is the last person that you took a picture with? Sara. When is the last time you were stuck in a fairly long traffic jam? A couple months or so back when there was an accident. Do you have certain friends that you hug every time you see them? All my friends. When was your most recent trip to an aquarium? 2016 visit to the beach. We went to the aquarium there and it absolutely sucked. What do you like in your salads and what dressing do you prefer? Just lettuce (but I can also handle cucumbers) and the Olive Garden dressing. If it has one, do you ever use the notepad function in your phone? Occasionally. Rn I have tattoo ideas written in it. Surprised? How good would you say your memory is? Absolutely horrible, lately worse than ever. I worry about it quite a bit. About how many times during the night do you wake up from your sleep? Once or twice. Are there any air fresheners in your house? What kinds? Not currently on or anything. What’s one thing you’re glad you’ve done recently? Improved on picking up the phone when I don't know the number. Have you ever done something sexual that you regret? Well, I've talked about flirting with my friend's bf as a pre-teen, and it wasn't always innocent, if you count that as "sexual." I regret the hell out of it. Do you like to sit in the sun and tan when it’s hot out? NO. Ever had a person who was obsessed with you so much that it scared you? Yes, Tyler. I wasn't like, terrified, but preeeetty uncomfortable. Can you drive, and if you can, do you like it? I can, but I'm not that great, and I absolutely hate it. Have you ever said anything to the last person you kissed that you regret? Yes. Do you like french fries? Hell yeah. Have you ever eaten so much you puked? No. Do you care about what others think of your physical appearance? People whose opinions I care about. Would you rather go to Greece or France? Probably Greece.