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evalinkatrineberg · 4 years ago

Text

Leana

A/N: A little interlude, including an RP with @leanarg , who is so sweet and lovely and amazing!! We love to see it.

I read the email over again, just to be sure that I really hadn’t missed anything. Maybe there had been some phrasing that I had misinterpreted the previous four times I had read it, or maybe something had gotten mixed up when I had been carbon copied on the email - either way, there had to be a mistake somewhere. This couldn’t be it. This couldn’t be my only option.

Dr. Hammond,

I’d be more than happy to allow Miss Evalin Berg to use the lab work she has done for me over the course of her time at this university to count for her biochemistry lab credits. In fact, I’ll CC her on this email, to make sure she sees this as well. My only stipulation is that if she does decide to use the lab work she did for me as her biochemistry lab credits, I will have to have her name redacted in the publications she contributed to. It’s simply department policy; you know how it goes.

This stipulation would not apply, of course, should she return and complete her biochemistry lab in person. The decision is ultimately hers to make.

Yours truly,

Dr. Janine Proctor

Evalin,

Please notify me of your decision on this matter at your earliest convenience.

Dr. Fiona Hammond

No. Nothing had changed, no words had miraculously rearranged themselves to shed new light on the meaning of this email. Neither of my options were good. Either risk taking an incomplete for my first of two semesters of biochemistry, and possibly delay my graduation because of it, or lose the shred of credit given to my name for helping Proctor with her experiments, and for conducting an experiment of my own creation under her careful guidance. Both options left me with a bleak vision of the future.

With a sigh, I closed out my email, clicking my phone locked and placing it on my desk. I leaned back in my chair, my head facing towards the ceiling as I rubbed at my temples with the heels of my hands. Which of these options was the lesser of two evils? I had never felt so unsure of something in my life, and that was saying a lot, considering the last conversation I had had with Idalia, after Arin and I had kissed in the library. How had it come to this? I had gone from kissing Arin and feeling flustered, yet on top of the world, to showing him the work I had accomplished and promptly making a fool of myself in front of him, only to likely have the work I had shown him ripped out from under me. To say that these past few weeks had been a roller coaster would be inaccurate. These past few weeks had been a race down a double black diamond, and I was an inexperienced skier who should probably still be on the bunny hill.

Maybe these weren’t my only options, though. Idalia had somehow pulled some strings to attend fencing practices outside of the palace - perhaps I could similarly find a way to complete my biochemistry lab at Angeles University.

I immediately shook the idea out of my head. There simply wasn’t enough time in the day for me to do that, and besides, I’d probably already missed the deadline to get into such a class there. Even if they made an exception, given my situation, it likely wouldn’t last. Once Proctor caught wind of what I was doing - and I had no doubt that she would - she’d put in a bad word against me, and I’d likely be kicked to the curb again.

It can’t hurt to at least ask, can it?

Yes, it could hurt. That was a lesson I definitely should have learned by now, given my last conversation with Arin. I couldn’t afford to get my hopes up, only to be let down once again. There was only so much I could take.

Besides, there was so much else to do. Wylan’s birthday party was fast approaching, and I hadn’t even begun to work on my costume. I quite enjoyed the theme, if I was being honest. Star Wars had been one of the movie series that all of my siblings and I could agree upon as being fun to watch. My father used to gather all of us up on rainy days during the late spring, when the Tennessee River had flooded the main roads and we couldn’t get anywhere that wasn’t in our own neighborhood. He would make a large bowl of popcorn and let us marathon one of the trilogies. It was likely just a ploy to keep us kids out of our mother’s hair, but we all looked forward to it regardless. Something about Star Wars had encaptured all of our young minds, and brought us all a little closer together.

Now, the question remained - who was I going to go as? On top of that, what was I going to get Wylan for his birthday? I had only met him once, and those circumstances had been rather unfortunate, in terms of making a first impression. Safiya had said that we didn’t have to get him anything, but it went against the manners I had been taught growing up to arrive empty-handed. Besides, I should at least thank him for not ratting me and Idalia out. Maybe I’d simply get him a card, to do just that.

My first question, however, was something I could actively work on, and something that took far less emotional energy to figure out. I pushed myself to my feet, grabbing my phone and striding across the floor to my door in a matter of seconds, not waiting to hear it close behind me as I made my way down to the room I had heard a lot of the other girls mention when talking about costumes for the party. Perhaps I could find some inspiration there.

It took me a while to find it, but I couldn’t keep my eyes from going wide once I did. The entire room was just filled to the brim with different fabrics - on mannequins, in baskets, on tables. It was like nothing I’d ever seen before! I bet Missy would really enjoy this. The corners of my lips twitched upwards briefly as I recalled my encounter with the sweet girl from Midston in the kitchens a week or so ago. I was willing to bet she was rather familiar with this kind of environment, given her line of work.

A flurry of motion caught my eye, dragging my attention away from the sheer, salmon-colored fabric I had been studying up until that moment. At one of the big tables in the center of the room sat Leana, who was now smiling and waving at me. I had only really spoken to Leana once, and that had been more in passing than anything else. It also hadn’t been one of my shining moments, to say the least.

I offered her a small smile in return, walking over towards the table she was seated at with another woman, who I assumed was one of her maids. There was a chance that Leana wouldn’t even remember our brief encounter, after all. I might as well be polite. “Hello! Leana, right?”

She immediately nodded. “Hello! I know you are Evalin, the one with the basket gifts,” she replied with a chuckle. So she did remember the one time we had conversed prior to this, then. Already, this conversation was going worse than I had hoped it would be. That had to be a new record, even for me.

I felt the blood rushing to my cheeks as I responded, “Right, that.” I dropped my eye contact with her, looking first to the side, and then back to the table I now stood in front of. There had to be something else to talk about, a different topic of conversation that didn’t make me want to crawl back to my room as I remembered all the mistakes I had made over the past few months. “What are you working on?”

Leana looked down, biting her lip. “Oh, I’m not really doing anything. She’s the talented one here” - her eyes darted to the side, towards where her maid sat - “It’s about the costume for the party.” At the mention of the upcoming function, her voice dropped to little more than a whisper. It was smart, I realized. You never knew who might be listening, after all. We wouldn’t want to ruin the surprise for Wylan, especially not after Safiya had put so much effort into planning it.

“Don’t worry,” I reassured her with a small smile. “I’m here for the same reason, though I’ll admit I haven’t given a ton of thought to who I’m going to go as yet.” That much was the whole truth. I had already been running through an exhaustive list of female characters from Star Wars movies, but every time I settled on one, I’d think up a reason as to why it wouldn’t work. It was getting more frustrating than it was worth, if I was being honest with myself. Perhaps I just wouldn’t dress up. That’d certainly be easier.

Leana hummed thoughtfully, tilting her head towards the left. “Which are your options?”

“I was thinking about going as Jyn Erso, but dressing as her would feel so different from what we normally wear here,” was the response I finally settled on, laughing ever so slightly, though the sound was hollow and tinny to my ears. I really liked the character of Jyn Erso - found her rather relatable in some aspects, in fact - but I just knew that some of the other girls would be showing up in beautifully designed dresses, having given this facet of the party a good deal of thought. If I showed up as Jyn Erso, how out of place was I going to feel? Plus, there was the fact that I looked nothing like Jyn to begin with.

“Well, I think that’s pretty much the point,” Leana replied with a laugh. “Space warriors in a palace - it will be fun!” Her tone was unfailingly positive and upbeat. She was likely an optimist, then. Interesting, considering the dark sides of reality than many people in her field of study tended to uncover. Her demeanor reminded me a bit of my younger brother Randall’s personality, namely the manner in which she held onto the hope that the world was innately good.

You’re analyzing this with way too much depth.

“True.” I inclined my head to the right, biting the inside of my cheek before looking at Leana again. With a small laugh, I attempted to explain myself. “Something about wearing cargo pants in the palace just feels so odd, though.”

“Better than a hairy chewy costume,” she shot back without hesitation, snickering. “I will be going as Rey, so it’s an easy, comfortable one.” At least I wasn’t going to be the only one not in a super fancy gown, then. The thought was reassuring. The way Leana’s smile faltered once she finished speaking, however, was not comforting in the slightest.

I felt my own smile soften as I looked at her. She must have a memory tied to the character of Rey, then. Did it make her homesick, or was there something more to her reaction? I didn’t want to pry, but out of anybody here, I was sure she would be the most likely to understand my own curiosity. “Have you dressed up for themed parties like this before?”

“Yes, college parties could be wild.” With a smile and a sideways glance in my direction, she continued, “What about you? You are still in college too, right?”

“Yes,” I replied instantly, weekends spent with June and Lukas flashing before my eyes like a PowerPoint slideshow on double speed, “and the parties can indeed be pretty crazy.”

I had never been a big party person in high school. I knew that they were happening, but I didn’t know where, or any of the specifics, for that matter. Parties were June’s thing. I was never invited. It hadn’t been until college that I had finally let June drag me out a few times, and I had definitely allowed myself to loosen up a bit in those scenarios. Many games of spin the bottle, stack cup, and chicken in the pool littered my memory, tinged with a slight alcohol induced haze. The one event June would never let me live down, though, had occurred at the beginning of the fall semester my sophomore year, when I had gotten into a shot contest with a couple of fraternity boys at a darty. I remembered taking eight shots, but I had blacked out immediately after that. According to June, though, that hadn’t stopped me from continuing, and ultimately winning the competition, only to promptly ask her to drive me back to her house, where I had for all intents and purposes passed out in her bed.

That experience had definitely been a mistake, and I was still unsure how I hadn’t died of alcohol poisoning that night, but I found myself grinning nonetheless. Yet, there was one common trend that set these college parties apart from the ones Leana had apparently been to. My grin quickly turned to a frown. “Though I didn’t go to many, and the ones I did go to weren’t really themed like this is.”

“Yeah, I was practically dragged by my friend to them.” She shrugged as I marveled at how similar our experiences could have been, if that was true. As my frown turned back into a smile, her smile turned into a frown. “You’re still in college, right? Biology?”

What about my major had her frowning? Had she heard something about my situation with Proctor through the grapevine? I was sure she had an exhaustive list of sources who would somehow be privy to such information. The thought didn’t sit well with me, but I did my best to push it aside. I’d deal with it another time.

“My best friend was the same way. She was the only reason I really ever got out of the lab.” The thought of June brought a smile to my face, but the expression didn’t linger long as my thoughts turned back to my work under Proctor - or rather, just Proctor’s work, now, I supposed. “I’m a biology major, though, yes. You study journalism, right?”

Leana nodded along, interjecting with a chuckle every now and then until I finished speaking. At that point, she pressed her lips together, almost apprehensive as she began to answer my own question to her. “Yes, I do. I’m also working for a newspaper.” A smile briefly flitted across her face, but it sputtered out as quickly as it had been lit into existence.

“That’s awesome!” She was working, doing something she enjoyed, and making a name for herself. It was quite respectable, in my opinion. “What kind of articles do you write, if you don’t mind my asking?”

She blinked, but then answered, “I’m currently writing for the digital blog covering events, concerts and interviewing famous people.” Her smile didn’t reach her eyes, as if she wasn't exactly enthusiastic about any of the work she was doing. Why would she be doing it then? Surely it was time consuming. If it wasn’t what she wanted to do, why didn’t she focus on another pursuit that made her happier? She was younger than me, if I remembered correctly, so it shouldn’t be too late for her to change her major, or her career, if she wanted to.

Leana took a trick out of my book then, and quickly changed the topic of conversation. “What about you? What are you working on in the lab?”

Currently, nothing. “My professor and I were working on cancer research using genetics, but,” I paused, pondering whether or not it was worth it to attempt to explain the whole situation to Leana. If anybody already knew about it, or was going to find out about it at some point, it would be her. She might as well hear it from the horse’s mouth, I supposed. “I’m sure she’s continued it without me there, even though it was my idea. It’s not like I would’ve gotten any of the credit anyway, though.” I finished with a sigh, shrugging. There was simply nothing I could do about it, at this point. I had made my bed. Now, I had to lie in it.

She raised her eyebrows, and then frowned. “What do you mean? If it was your idea there must be a way to take the credit you deserve.”

If only she knew. I simply shook my head, giving Leana a small close lipped smile. “She’s in charge, and she’s in the lab right now, and I’m not, nor do I think I’ll ever be in her lab again, no matter how this ends.” I waved my hand through the air dismissively, hoping that the gesture in and of itself would bring an end to the conversation

I should’ve known better than that. Leana blinked a few times, pursing her lips for a while before speaking. “Okay, wait, I just have to ask,” she paused, her voice softer when she continued, “why did you leave her with the project in the first place?”

As if I had a choice! What was I going to do, fly a whole lab with me from Carolina to Angeles? I frowned. “Well, it was done in her lab, which she’s in charge of, so I didn’t have much of a say in the matter.”

“But why can’t you come back to it?” She bobbed her head, at the same time that I came to the realization that I really hadn’t explained that portion of it well. “Well if things turn out that way.”

I winced, knowing I would have to try to explain further, while still being as vague as possible, so as not to incriminate myself in any way. “We had a falling out of sorts before I left to come here, and I don’t think there’s any coming back from it,” I began, shaking my head, “but there’s other jobs out there, right?”

Leana opened her mouth, but then closed it again, pursing her lips slightly. “Um, yes I guess there are.”

Change the subject, now! “So, you’re still writing, even with being here, and all?”

She sighed, shaking her head dismissively. “I have been writing things about all the work that’s done here. Learning a little bit about everything, but I don’t have a purpose for it yet.” Despite the end of her last sentence, she was grinning. She definitely liked writing the. So why had she seemed so unhappy with her job earlier?

I decided to focus on her project instead, narrowing my eyes as I attempted to conceptualize what she was describing. “Like a little memoir, of sorts?”

She nodded. “Yeah, or a little behind the scenes.” She shrugged, pausing to smile before adding, “I like to write about the things no one really sees, but now I have been considering including some good life stories I have learned as well.” Her eyes darted to and from the various people working around us. The palace staff did indeed have interesting life stories, from what I had heard from the ones I had interacted with. I was certain whatever Leana was writing would do them justice, and make an good read.

I had to smile. “I like it. I think there’s a lot to be learned from the lives of others.”

“You think?” One of her eyebrows shot up her forehead. Is it really so surprising to hear me say something like that? I supposed it must be, which didn’t leave me with a great taste in my mouth. “Would you read something like it?”

I nodded enthusiastically, intent on making sure Leana understood the truth of the matter. “For sure! I think it’d be really interesting to learn more about the lives of the people here.”

For a moment, we sat in silence, me attempting to smile, and Leana biting her lip. You could’ve heard a pin drop, which was odd for the palace, to say the least. I had grown so accustomed to the flurry of activity and words casually being tossed around that the absence of that energy almost had me on edge.

Thankfully, Leana spoke up, her voice quiet as she offered me a small smile. “I would like to write a story where the nice biologist comes back to the lab and fights for some rights.”

Her intentions were good, I was sure, and yet the statement had me reeling. The thought of facing Proctor again seemed so improbable, so unlikely, that it was hard to even imagine. Even if I was eliminated, which I was sure was likely, given the odds, I couldn’t picture myself simply returning to life as it had used to be. I wanted to continue my studies, of course, but maybe it was time to branch out a bit, and consider other universities. Proctor might have a big reach nationally, but what about abroad? That might be an option I’d have to look into.

Another daydream tantalized me from the periphery of my mind, flitting in and out of focus. The image of me, returning to Knoxville as the winner of the Selection, and taking back what Proctor was attempting to take from me was undeniably desirable. I radiated a certain level of power in that scenario, like I knew I was successful and wasn’t about to let anybody give me grief about it. It was the impression I had always wanted to have on others, I realized. Did I really need to win this to become that, though? I’d already gained so much from being here for this long. Maybe Leana had a point.

I flashed her a smile, though it was forced and tense. “Believe me, if I had my professor’s reputation and respect in the field, I would argue my case. Thank you, though.”

“Yes, I get that, it’s just scary to think about a plan B after you put all the effort in the plan A.” A look of worry flashed across her face as she sighed, dropping her gaze back down towards the table.

I couldn’t stop myself, exhaling through my nose as I nodded in agreement. “I can understand you on that one. Do you have a plan B?” The words flew out of my mouth before I even had the chance to consider that her worry was likely about just that. “You don’t have to answer that if you don’t want to!”

Leana just let out a sad chuckle, her eyes flicking back up to mine. “I’m at the point where I don’t know which is which. What about you?”

I had to consider that for a moment. Plan A had always been the same for me - go to college, get my degree, get a research job, move out, get a dog, get married, maybe have a child or two - “the American dream,” I believed my grandfather had referred to it as. Being Selected had thrown a bit of a wrench in that, though. There had been moments of clarity, for sure - like after that first date with Arin, when I had been sure he was about to send me home. My old plan A had stood out in my mind then. After the kiss, though, I wasn’t so sure. Maybe I was simply a naive fool, sure, but I couldn’t deny that I felt something for Arin. Yet, I wasn’t entirely certain that that set a new plan A, in which I won Arin’s heart and in turn this Selection, and figured the rest out from there, in stone. Once again, the odds weren’t in my favor.

“I’m pretty much in the same boat, I’m afraid,” I answered with a sigh. “I never pictured it’d come to this.” I really hadn’t thought I’d make it this far.

“I’m sorry.”

I almost laughed as the words left Leana’s mouth. That was my line! On top of that, she had no reason to be sorry. It wasn’t her fault that I had gotten myself into this mess.

Was this what I sounded like to everybody else?

“I hope you figure things out,” she continued. “Maybe Prince Arin could help.” Her voice went up a few notes at the end of her sentence, making it sound more like a question than a piece of advice.

Could he? The concept of Arin doing anything for me felt so foreign that I couldn’t even picture him in the same room as Proctor. The more I had thought about it after my conversation with Idalia, the more I had realized how little of a give-and-take there was between Arin and I. I was left with a lot of questions that he wouldn’t answer, and even if he had questions for me, he wouldn’t ask them, and depending on what they were, I also probably wouldn’t answer. Maybe we were really just that bad for each other.

You know he doesn’t love you, right?

Lukas’s voice echoed through my head, rattling against the walls of my mind like an angry bee caught under a plastic cup. I didn’t know whether or not Arin even liked me, and despite Idalia’s advice, I was much too afraid to ever ask him as much outright. There was a kind side to Arin, I was still sure of that. He had helped me with my nosebleed, and he had been willing to recommend me books, and possibly even read my own research, but thinking that over, it all seemed so lackluster. Noncommittal. Not that I could blame him for not committing to any of us, at this point. Not when the entire nation was watching him attempt to date thirty-five girls with the goal of making one of them his wife. After all, I myself had even told him that ending the Selection now would make him look hasty and rash.

I had really played myself in saying that, hadn’t I?

I let out a breathy laugh, dragging myself out of the recesses of my own mind. “Maybe, but I’m not counting on it.” I couldn’t count on it, truly.

“We never know,” Leana replied with a chuckle, shrugging ever so slightly.

I shook my head, relating to that statement more than she could possibly know, I was sure. “Does anyone ever know what to expect from him?”

“I know.” She frowned for a moment, but it quickly turned into a small smile, laced with something akin to sympathy. “He's a bit complicated.”

“Yeah.” I nodded, making a mental note to nominate that sentence for Understatement of the Year. I remembered a previous conversation with Arin, spoken over two cups of bourbon in an alcove. With a wry laugh, I finished, “He’s working on it, though.”

“True, I noticed that too.” As she spoke, Leana began fidgeting with the ends of her hair, twisting and rubbing them this way and that between her fingertips. Did her hair not knot when she did that? I had never thought I would be so jealous of the protein structure of somebody else’s hair, and yet here I was.

Leana continued, unfazed by my staring. “Just the mixed messages have me confused at times.”

I could get behind that statement - I had had multiple conversations about as much, recently. With an enthusiastic nod, I replied, “Agreed. Some days, I feel like we might genuinely have a connection, and others, I can’t figure out why he hasn’t sent me home yet.”

She snickered, the sound almost out of place in the otherwise silent room. “Sorry,” she said again, “it's just that I have that last thought a lot.”

Well, I was glad it wasn’t just me, then, but I still couldn’t help but feel bad that he was putting all of us through this. I could understand him leaving me baffled - I was book smart, but not people smart in the slightest. I got confused by almost anyone who I hadn’t known for a good while. For someone like Leana, though, who was in a line of work where interpersonal communication must be one of her strong suits, to be so confused by Arin, spoke volumes.

Leana forged on yet again. “But a connection huh? That sounds good!”

“No worries!” I laughed along, though I was beginning to wonder if I should have phrased my words differently. My smile began to fall before I could stop myself, and reign in my emotions. “Yeah, sometimes we get along very well. I’m sorry he has you feeling so confused, though. It’s frustrating.” And relatable.

She waved her hand through the air, the dismissive gesture one that I often caught myself making. “No, it's not really! I just think too much.” She must have noticed how surprised her words have left me this time, because after a moment, she decided to ask, “Something bad happened?”

“Oh, no!” I shook my head, forcing a smile to return to my face. I didn’t need Leana worrying about me, on top of Clemence and Idalia already having that job more than covered, apparently. Besides, Leana was beginning to remind me a lot of myself, which meant she probably had enough on her mind as it was. “I was asking more about you. Sorry for the confusion!”

“You are sweet,” she responded with a laugh. “Don't worry, I will be fine.”

I smiled, feeling something start to buzz in my pocket. My phone. That was odd. Normally my family called on the weekends, unless it was an emergency.

I needed to leave, and quickly.

“Noted,” I said to Leana, taking a few slow steps backwards towards the door. “If you ever do need anything though, you know where to find me!”

I could only hope she knew that I meant it.

Her responding smile did much to assuage that concern. “Thank you, Evalin. I hope to see you at the party!”

“Likewise,” I replied, smiling as I turned on my heel and made my way towards the door.

As soon as I knew I was out of sight of the door, I fished around in my pocket for my phone, squinting as the light of the screen hit my eyes. The number was familiar, but not one of my family members. I practically sighed with relief before more questions began churning in my mind.

The number belonged to the corded phone in Proctor’s lab. That machine was so old that half of the time the other college students and I ripped into her for even keeping it in the lab after her lab had been renovated the year before I began my freshman year at university. Was she calling to gloat, then? It wouldn’t be entirely out of character for her to do so, and yet, it was late back in Carolina. She shouldn’t even be awake around this time.

With a sigh, and one last glance at the number, I picked up the call. “Hello?”

My blood turned to ice at the voice on the other end of the line. “Oh, Evalin! Thank God!”

Not Proctor. Not my father. My mouth was almost too dry to form words. “Lukas.”

“It’s good to hear your voice.” How he sounded so cheerful, like nothing had ever happened between the two of us, like we had never even fought, was beyond me. He had to be wilfully ignoring it. There was no other explanation.

“I can’t say the same,” I replied, swallowing. I had been spending more of my mental energy thinking about Lukas than I would have liked to after the kiss with Arin. It wasn’t that I felt the same for Lukas that I felt for Arin - quite the opposite, in fact. Something about kissing Arin, however, had brought back the memory of the last time I had been kissed.

Lukas. Under the mistletoe. In the lab.

Ever since then, I had been reevaluating my friendship with him. Or rather, what I had thought had been a friendship. I had never assumed it was anything more. I had never felt that way for him, and I definitely didn’t now. However, it was beginning to seem more and more likely that he had felt that way for me. Maybe he had even thought we were something more.

I wasn’t going to be the one to suck up my pride and ask him.

“Why are you calling?” I kept walking as I talked, letting my feet lead me down hallways and around corners, no destination in mind. I barely even knew where I was, if I was being honest. Every now and then, I’d pass someone from the palace staff, inevitably carrying half a million things in their arms, who’d shoot me a perplexed look, but move on without questioning me further.

On the other end of the line, Lukas sighed. “Well, you wouldn’t pick up my calls.”

“I know,” I replied, turning another corner. “I blocked you.”

He was silent, save for his breathing. Then, “Things are getting bad here.”

My eyebrows rose, unamused. “How so?”

“Your father had an argument with Proctor the other day. I don’t know if he even realized that I was there.”

“Well,” I began, attempting to suppress the laugh I had almost barked out, “Can you blame him? Or has she not told you any of the shit she’s done to mess up my life?”

“You could have prevented this.” His voice was softer, which somehow grated my nerves. Did he expect me to feel sorry for him? He and I had been put in the same position by Proctor, we had just chosen different answers. Yes, I was suffering for it now, but I would survive. The world was more than just Proctor’s lab. I knew that now.

“Could I have?”

His voice cracked. “You could have come home.”

Just like that, I was thrown back into the memory of when I had first met Lukas. It had been our physics lab, freshman year. Paired together because our last names were close together alphabetically, I hadn’t thought much of him at first. He hadn’t smiled the entire fifty minutes we had been in class that day - not that I had cared much, seeing as someone who took the class seriously was more likely to get a good grade. It wasn’t until I had thrust my phone in his direction and prompted him to enter his number that I had seen any flicker of emotion on his face. A flash of surprise. Then he had entered his number.

After that, our friendship had started to take form. First, it had been a common major, and a shared interest in biology at the cellular level. Then he had offered to run with me and June, framing it as an added layer of safety for the two of us. Later, we had realized that we both had Swendish grandparents. His still lived in Swendway, in fact. He had said he wasn’t very close with them, but he had still learned bits and pieces of the language when his father had lived with him and his mother.

From what I could gather, his father had been in and out of Lukas’s life for quite a few years, and he had been raised mostly by his mother, on her own. I didn’t know the full story, nor did I want to press him for details. He could tell me when he was ready, or at this point, he could tell me never. As selfish as I felt about thinking it, it really wasn’t my problem. We all faced challenges in our lives, and we all handled them differently. I was of the opinion that he hadn’t handled them well. Perhaps that made me the asshole. I really couldn’t bring myself to care.

“Arin hasn’t seen fit to send me home yet,” I responded, my face neutral as I continued walking, staring straight down an empty hallway.

“Arin.” He practically spat out the name, his tone harder now. “You’re on a first-name basis now?”

I blinked. “Yes. I would hope to be on a first name basis with the man I might end up marrying one day, if that's the decision we come to at the end of this.”

“Oh,” he laughed. “So, you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, then?”

You know he doesn’t love you, right?

I had heard him loud and clear.

“Why are you calling?” I hated how tight my voice sounded. Water. I needed water. Water would help. There would be water in the kitchen. How did I get there from here, wherever here was?

“I heard Proctor tell your father that she looked forward to seeing his ghost wandering the halls of the biology building, at the end of their argument.” He cleared his throat, the sound so familiar it almost hurt. “I just thought you should know.”

I felt the color drain from my face, even as I replied, “Oh, good, so if he shows up dead somewhere, you can testify against Proctor in court.” Or do you not have the balls to do that, either?

I shouldn’t be this mad at him. A few months ago, I wouldn’t have been able to stand up to her either. I still wasn’t entirely sure what had compelled me to stand my ground the day before I had left for Angeles.

“I wouldn’t have to if you’d just come home, and forget this stupid fairytale fantasy of yours. You’ve done it! You’ve proven that you’re invaluable to us, easily likeable, and a face the world will be watching for the rest of the century.” His breathing was heavy on the other end of the line.

The door to the kitchen came into view. How had I even ended up here? I had been looking for this room, yes, but I hadn’t known where I was before. Maybe some higher power was looking out for me after all.

“That’s besides the point,” I argued, rolling my eyes as I walked into the kitchen. “Look -”

“Shit.” Silence. Then, “I’ve got to go.”

I opened my mouth to say something more, but the line had already gone dead. Just like that, he was gone, a phantom left in my memory only once more.

You know he doesn’t love you, right?

I had no idea.

#selectionoc

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