#my own parents act like bad tourists when walking in public in our own city

[alphacrone]

the French love to give tips online about how to not be a bad American tourist when they are unilaterally the worst tourists I encountered in every other country I’ve visited

[mye90]

Italy

Today I finish my very first trip abroad, 2 weeks of pure fun and loads of “firsts” where I toured Italy, the country I wanted to lose my travel virginity to. It all started when my awesome guy decided to team up with my equally amazing sister and parents to make this trip the cherry on top of my 26th birthday. He thought it was about time I check this off the list of things I wanted to do before I hit the big 30.. To be entirely honest I didn’t think I will make it, and to be even more honest I didn’t realize what’s happening till I found myself wandering around Milano streets.. I got support from awesome friends. Ones who gave me advice and help before I traveled and others who created a home for me in their places and made sure I enjoy this trip and gave me advice and tricks and loads of encouragement and good breakfasts going out of their way sometimes to make sure I am super comfortable .. With how this is my very first I learned couple new things:

1. I was always one to enjoy my alone time, I never thought I will miss anything back home the minute I step out of it. And for the most part that was true, I didn’t miss home or family or friends. But I missed him!! I missed the guy I love and with all the friends who would text or call to make sure I am enjoying my time and having fun and safe his calls and texts were the best part.. sending him photos to let him in on my day was so good. And imagining how much more brilliant that could have been with him around brought tears to my eyes on multiple occasions.. I chose a home to go to and even in the nicest country ever his arms were the place I wanted to be…

Lesson learnt #1: I want to share my life experiences with him and I no longer enjoy alone time as much as I used to

2. Meeting new people is awesome. In the 3 hostels and 2 homes I stayed in and in the random squares and trains I found myself at I met and talked to brilliant people of all ages 19-60+ and they come from shit load of different places.. apparently when you travel around a lot you don’t think headscarves or muslims or people from other cultures weird.. and what’s more enjoyable is that you can indulge in long talks about big existential crises and hopes and dreams and fears and future plans and world peace.. you talk music and languages and heart break and culture and society.. you talk to random strangers, leave all your demons and restless thoughts for the night with them as if throwing them all to the void then part ways. 

Lesson learnt #2: we are all the same regardless where and when we come from

3. We meet new versions of our own friends when we meet them away from our normal habitat.. with the ones who spent a lot of time away, trying to figure out their next steps and having new fears and hopes, we see them in new light as they see you as a connection to the world they left behind. We meet a super honest version of them and we have more late night drunken conversations or early conversations over morning coffee and between both we see people we wouldn’t have met other wise. 

Lesson learnt #3: connections are easier to make when you are living in what seems like an unreal world

4. Walking is the best way to see everything and acting like the super excited tourist is ok sometimes.. Take out your camera and walk while taking loads of photos.. take selfies, pay attention to details, pay attention to shop windows and people randomly walking and children goofing around and hear the language and sing out loud with street performers when you know the song and it’s ok to miss home and its own kind of streets and noise so sing some more of your own songs out loud.

Lesson learnt #4: it’s ok to be excited 

5. I love dogs and love people having dogs and Italy is the place to go if you want to raise a dog.

Lesson learnt #5: DOGS ❤️ 

6. We don’t have enough free public spaces back home, we don’t have enough gardens and user friendly streets. We are always stressed because a huge part of our energy goes in the effort of handling the messy and scary streets.. the harassment and traffic.. we need to be club members to run or walk around instead of having parks and trees and fun safe zones.. it's exhausting and when I was in the less safe south of Italy I had the same guards up and was reminded with how much I hate it. 

Lesson learnt #6: we need user friendly urbanism (spoken as both an expert and a user) 

7. When this trip was in the planning phase I had different expectations for each city (I visited Milan-Mantua-Verona-Venice-Bologna-Florence-Rome-Napoli in that order) I stayed for different periods in each one, some for merely a morning and some for days. and even though I wasn't disappointed at any point but they weren't always as expected either 

 7.1. Milan: Will always hold a special place in my heart. It was the city I landed in. First city to visit. First time I live all alone in an apartment. And it is so busy and old and modern all at the same time.. I didn't feel like a stranger there, didn't get weird looks and was welcomed at first by my friend and host there, and then by all the city and last by my friend and his super generous roommates when I spent one last night there before my flight back. It's an international place with fancy people everywhere. 

7.2. Mantua: A small town that felt like home, a good place to retire in and a soothing lake.. will always love it for the good company of my second host and awesome friend there.. 

7.3. Verona: A medieval center and a modern city around it.. felt like I am stepping in and out of reality somehow. It’s good for a quick visit and lovely as all of Italy but nothing special.

7.4. Venice: So romantic, so brilliant.. I love water, I love being surrounded by seas and canals and it is perfect for that. but it felt like a Disney land that has a closing time. and beautiful as it was it felt a little scary walking around it alone late at night. felt like the magic was gone. I would still want to go there with the right company for the sunset and lazy nights and early beautiful mornings.

7.5. Bologna: It was an unfortunate city for me. A Friday which is normally a weekend back home. I was missing lazy Friday mornings and the atmosphere surrounding it and the idiot I love was lonely and bored and I kept wishing I was there with him instead. I was pulled aside randomly by police officers for quick check on my documents and I was just walking around with nothing in mind but sitting there in every piazza. I was rewarded later with a good dinner by some lovely old ladies and the city was a lovely mixture entangled of new and old. I should give it another try next time.

7.6. Florence: The lovely Tuscany. I loved the greens and hills everywhere that welcomes you while on your way with the train. A lovely old city that you can easily lose yourself to. A place straight out of history. Should spend a week or so just there to make sure you see it all. It was one of the best sunsets I watched.

7.8 Rome: You can only think of gladiators and Gods and Goddesses there. busy and old and the one place that reminded me of Roman myths. The little geeky child who was always fascinated with archaeology was in tears there.

7.9. The Vatican: You look around and it is more of a city of the pope more than a city of God. you love seeing the big basilica and the lovely chapels and it was second best sunset, but it is not a holy place for me and I wanted it to be.

7.10. Napoli: It felt like the messy home. And everywhere you go you are reminded of how their pizza is the best. I was scared going there, tired and already wanting to go home, but it was lovely nonetheless. Every single Italian stereotype was made with Napoli in mind.

Lesson learnt #7: It’s ok to have new opinions, and enjoy different aspects you didn’t expect.

8. You can easily fall into the bad racist stereotyping when you are scared.In the south I would see someone who looks non Italian (funny because I am “non Italian”) and I would automatically feel worried. or I would see someone who looks on the poor side and I would automatically make assumptions. This, I know, was wrong. But I was really scared and alarmed with guards up high. So I wouldn’t be mean or anything but I would simply be more alarmed around them. It makes me feel bad and like some superficial idiot. But ignorance and fear and loads of “take care” advice can manipulate even the best of brains.

Lesson learnt #8: We can all be assholes when scared. I apologize though for it.

9. Italian food is GOOD and they know how to let you indulge in it.

Lesson learnt #9: FOOD  ❤️

So, Those are mainly what I had in mind. I loved how I realized I am strong, I am independent and one who can handle herself alone in a different culture. I loved realizing I am not weak and not one to be worried about. I choose not to be alone though, I choose having those experiences with others. Well, with just a certain someone. I loved realizing I can have a fun conversation with pretty much anyone. I can randomly start conversations and be friendly and super talkative. I can keep my limits and I can ride a gondola alone :)

Ciao 

[anavoliselenu]

Dublin street chapter 3

Fuck.

I unglued my eyes from them to him. He appeared comfortable and yet totally authoritative. It suddenly occurred to me that this was the Justin with all the money and responsibilities, a vainglorious girlfriend, and a little sister he was undoubtedly overprotective of.

“Ellie likes you.”

Ellie doesn’t know me. “I like Ellie. I’m not so sure about her brother. He seems kind of rude.”

Justin flashed me those white, slightly crooked teeth. “He’s not sure of you either.”

That’s not what your eyes are saying. “Oh?”

“I’m not sure how I feel about my wee sister living with an exhibitionist.”

I made a face at him, only just resisting sticking my tongue out at him. He really brought out my mature side. “Exhibitionists get naked in public. As far as I was aware, there was no one else in the apartment and I’d forgotten a towel.”

“Thank God for small mercies.”

He was doing it again. Looking at me that way. Did he know he was so blatant about it?

“Seriously,” he continued, his eyes falling to my chest before snapping back up to my face. “You should walk around naked all the time.”

The compliment got to me. I couldn’t help it. The touch of a smile curled the corner of my lips and I shook my head at him like he was a naughty school boy.

Pleased, Justin laughed softly. A weird, unexpected fullness formed in my chest and I knew I had to break whatever weird instant attraction thing was going on between us. This had never happened to me before, so I was going to have to wing it.

I rolled my eyes. “You’re an ass.”

Justin sat up with a snort. “Usually a woman calls me that after I’ve f**ked her and called her a taxi.”

I blinked rapidly at his blunt language. Really? We were using that word already in our short acquaintance?

He noticed. “Don’t tell me you hate that word?”

No. I imagine that word can be a total turn on in the right moment. “No. I just don’t think we should be talking about f**king when we’ve just met.”

Okay. That came out all wrong.

Justin’s eyes brightened with silent laughter. “I didn’t know that’s what we were doing.”

Abruptly, I changed the subject. “If you’re here for Ellie, she’s tutoring.”

“I came to meet you, actually. Only, I didn’t know I was meeting you. Quite the coincidence. I’ve thought about you quite a bit since last week in the taxi.”

“Was that while you were out having dinner with your girlfriend?” I asked snidely, feeling like I was swimming against the tide with this guy. I wanted us out of this flirty, sexual place we’d landed in and into a normal, ‘he’s just my roommate’s brother’ kind of place.

“Holly is down south visiting her parents this week. She’s from Southampton.”

Like I give a crap. “I see. Well…” I stood up, hoping the gesture would usher him out. “I would say it was nice to meet you, but I was naked so… it wasn’t. I have a lot to do. I’ll tell Ellie you dropped by.”

Laughing, Justin shook his head and stood up to pull on his suit jacket. “You’re a hard nut to crack.”

Okay, clearly I had to lay it out clear and simple for this guy. “Hey, there will be no cracking of this nut. Now or ever.”

He was choking on laughter now as he stepped towards me, making me back into the couch. “Really, Selena… Why do you have to make everything sound so dirty?”

My mouth fell open in outrage as he turned and left… with the last word.

I hated him.

I really did.

Pity my body did not.

~3~

Club 39 was less of a club and more of a bar with a small square dance floor beyond the alcove at the back. On the basement level on George street, the ceilings were low, the circular sofas and square cubes that acted as seats were low, and the bar area was actually built a few levels lower, meaning drunken people had to walk down three steps to get to us. Whoever added that little design to the architects draft had clearly been smoking something.

Thursday nights usually found the low-lit bar crowded with students but with the semester over and the Scottish summer upon us, the night was quiet and the music was turned down since there was no one on the ‘dance floor’.

I handed the guy standing across the bar his drinks and he gave me a ten pound note. “Keep the change.” He winked at me.

I ignored the wink but stuck the tip in the tips jar. We divided it at the end of the night even though Jo argued that she and I pulled the most tips in because of the low-cut white tank top we wore as a ‘uniform’ with black skinny jeans. The tank had Club 39 scrawled across the right breast in black French script. Simple, but effective. Especially when you were as blessed in the boob department as I was.

Craig was on break so Jo and I were dealing with the small crowd of customers at the bar, a crowd dwindling by the minute. Bored, I glanced down to the other end of the bar to see if Jo needed my help.

She did.

Just not in a bartending kind of way.

Reaching out to hand the customer she was serving his change, the guy grabbed Jo’s wrist and tugged her over the bar so she was inches from his face. Frowning, and biding my time to see how Jo would react, her pale skin grew flush and she wrenched on her arm to break his hold. His friends stood behind him laughing. Nice.

“Let me go, please,” Jo said between gritted teeth, pulling harder.

With no Craig around and Jo’s wrist so skinny it might break, it was left up to me. I headed down the bar towards them, pressing the button under the bar for the security guys at the door.

“Oh come on, sweetheart, it’s my birthday, just one kiss.”

My hand clamped down around the guy’s and I bit my nails into his skin. “Let go of her, ass**le, before I tear the flesh from your hand and nail it to your balls.”

He hissed in pain and jerked back from me, consequently letting go of Jo. “American bitch.” He groaned, cradling the hand that was now covered in deep crescent-shaped marks. “I’m complaining to management.”

Why did my nationality always come into play in a negative situation? And what? Were we in some 80’s brat pack movie? I snorted at him, unimpressed.

Brian, our huge security guy appeared behind him. He did not look amused. “Problem, Selena?”

“Yeah. Can you please remove this guy and his friends from the bar?”

He didn’t even ask why. There had only been a few occasions where we’d had people tossed out, so Brian trusted my assessment of the situation. “Come on fellas, move it,” he growled and like the cowards they were, pale-faced and drunk off their asses, the three of them lumbered out of the bar with Brian behind them.

Feeling Jo tremble beside me, I placed a comforting hand on her shoulder. “You okay?”

“Aye.” She gave me a weak smile. “Bad night all around. Steven dumped me earlier.”

I winced knowing how much that had to hurt Jo and her little brother. They lived together in a small apartment on Leith Walk where they took turns taking care of their mom who had ME– Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. To make the rent, Jo – who was gorgeous – used her looks to get herself ‘sugar daddies’ to help take care of them financially. No matter how much people told her she was smart enough to do something more with her life, she was just full of insecurities. The only confidence she did have was in her good looks and their ability to snag a guy to take care of her and her family. But looking after her mom always trumped them and sooner or later they all eventually dumped her. “I’m sorry, Jo. You know if you need help with rent or anything, all you’ve got to do is ask.”

I’d offered more times that I could count. She always said no.

“Nah.” She shook her head and pressed a soft kiss to my cheek. “I’ll find someone new. I always do.”

She wandered away with a slump to her shoulders and I found myself worrying about her when I really didn’t want to. Jo was one of the misunderstood. She could grate on your nerves with her materialism, but humble you with her loyalty to her family. She might love pretty shoes but they took a backburner when it came to making sure her kid brother and mom were okay. Unfortunately, that loyalty also meant she’d trample over anyone who got in her way, and be trampled over by anyone willing to use her situation against her. “I’m going on my break. I’ll send Craig out.”

I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me, wondering who her next victim would be. Or was that whose victim she would next become?

“It’s quiet tonight.” Craig ambled towards me two minutes later with a can of soda in hand. Tall, dark-haired and good-looking, Craig probably pulled in just as many tips as Jo and I did. He was a perennial flirt. And he was good at it.

“It’s summer,” I mused, casting an eye around the quiet club before turning my back to lean on the bar. “It’ll pick up weekdays again when August comes around.” I didn’t have to explain I meant it would pick up because of the Edinburgh Festival. In August, the entire city was taken over by the famous festival. Tourists descended on the city, stealing all the best tables in all the best restaurants and there was always so many of them they made walking five steps into a five minute journey.

Tips were great though.

Craig groaned and leaned closer to me. “I’m bored.” He flicked his eyes over my body with lazy perusal. “Want to shag me in the men’s toilets?”

He asked me this every shift.

I always said no, and then told him to ‘shag’ Jo instead. His reply: ‘Been there, done that’. I was a friendly challenge and I think he honestly had deluded himself into thinking he’d one day conquer me.

“Well? Do you?” A familiar soft voice asked from behind me.

I whirled around, blinking in surprise to find Ellie on the other side of the bar. Behind her was a guy I didn’t recognize and… Justin.

Blanching instantly, still mortified from yesterday, I barely noted the carefully blank expression in his eyes as he watched Craig.

Wrenching my own gaze from him, I smiled weakly at Ellie. “Um… what are you doing here?”

Ellie and I had, had dinner together the night before. I’d told her Justin had stopped by, but I hadn’t told her about the whole naked thing. She’d told me about her class, and I could understand why she’d make such a great tutor. Her passion for art history was infectious and I found myself listening to her with genuine interest.

All and all, it had been a pleasant first dinner. Ellie had asked me a couple of personal questions that I had managed to deflect back onto her. I now knew that she was a big sister to half-siblings, Hannah (fourteen) and Declan (ten). Her mom, Elodie Nichols, lived in the Stockbridge area of Edinburgh with her husband Clark. Elodie was a part-time manager at the Sheraton Grand Hotel, and Clark, a professor of classical history at the university. It was clear from the way she talked that Ellie adored them all and I got the impression that Justin spent more time with this family than his own mother.

At lunch today, Ellie and I had taken a break from our own work and met in the sitting room for food and a little bit of television. We’d sniggered our way through an episode of classic British comedy ‘Are you Being Served?’ and had bonded in comfortable silence. I’d felt as though I were gaining surprisingly fast but steady ground with my new roommate.

However, turning up at my work with her brother? Well that was not cool. Not that she knew about my incident yesterday with her brother…

“We’re meeting up with some friends for a drink in Tigerlily. We thought we’d stop by to say hi.” She grinned at me, her eyes dancing with mischief in a seventh grader kind of way before she slanted them questioningly in Craig’s direction.

Tigerlily huh? That was a nice place. I noted Ellie’s pretty sequin dress. It looked like something from the 1920’s and screamed designer. It was the first time I’d seen her so put together and with Justin standing next to her wearing another dapper suit as well as their companion, Adam, I felt a little out of sorts. Despite all my money, I wasn’t used to the obviously stylish, ‘cocktails and crème brulee’ kind of lifestyle these guys were used to. Somehow disappointed, I realized I did not fit in with this crowd.

“Oh,” I answered dumbly, ignoring her questioning eyebrows.

“This is Adam.” Ellie turned to the guy behind her as soon as she realized I wasn’t going to answer her silent query. Ellie’s pale eyes turned dark with deep warmth as she looked up at Adam and I wondered if this guy was her boyfriend. Not that she’d mentioned a boyfriend. The dark-haired hottie was just a little shorter than Justin with broad shoulders that filled out his suit nicely.

His warm dark eyes glittered at me under the bar lights as he smiled. “Hi. Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

“Adam is Justin’s best friend,” Ellie explained and then turned to her brother. As soon as she looked at him she burst out laughing, her giggles filling the bar like fairy bubbles as she glanced back at me over her shoulder. “I would introduce you to Justin but I believe… you’ve already met.” I barely heard the word ‘met’ over her choked laughter.

I stiffened.

She knew.

Eyes narrowed, I shot Justin a disgusted look. “You told her.”

“Told her what?” Adam asked bemused, looking at the still chortling Ellie as though she’d gone mad.

Justin’s mouth turned up in amusement as he answered Adam without taking his eyes off me, “That I walked in on Selena when she was wandering around the flat naked.”

Adam eyed me curiously.

“No,” I retorted with a bite in my tone. “I was coming out of the bathroom looking for a towel.”

“He saw you naked?” Craig interrupted, a scowl marring his forehead.

“Justin Carmichael.” Justin stuck a hand across the bar for Craig to shake. “Nice to meet you.”

Craig took it, seeming a little dazed by Justin. Great. Even men were charmed by him. While he smiled at Craig, that smile disappeared when his eyes fell on me again. I detected a slight chill in them and frowned. What had I done now?

“I have a girlfriend,” Justin assured Craig. “I wasn’t putting the moves on yours.”

“Oh, Selena isn’t my girlfriend.” Craig shook his head with a cocky grin down at me. “Not for my lack of trying.”

“Customer.” I pointed to the girl at the other end of the bar, glad for an excuse to get rid of him.

As soon as he was gone, Ellie was leaning against the bar. “Not your boyfriend? Really? Why not? He’s cute. And he certainly thinks you’re hot.”

“He’s a walking sexually transmitted disease,” I answered grumpily, running a dishrag over an invisible spot on the bar, desperately trying to avoid Justin’s gaze.

“Does he always talk to you like that?”

Justin’s question brought my head up reluctantly and I immediately felt the need to reassure him and defend Craig when I saw his cool, lethal eyes narrowed in my colleague’s direction. “He doesn’t mean anything by it.”

“Oh man, that break surely wasn’t ten minutes?” Jo complained as she wandered slowly behind the bar. She reeked of cigarette smoke. I couldn’t imagine why anyone would put up with any habit that made them stink so badly. I wrinkled my nose at her and Jo instantly understood. Not taking it to heart, she just shrugged and blew me a teasing kiss as she stopped to lean against the bar across from Justin. Her big green eyes drank him in as though he were a cigarette she was trying to quit. “And who do we have here?”

“I’m Ellie.” She waved at Jo as though she was a cute fifteen year old. I smiled at her. She was kind of adorable. “I’m Selena’ new flatmate.”

“Hi.” Jo offered her a polite smile before looking back at Justin expectantly.

I wasn’t at all annoyed by her blatant interest in him.

“Justin.” He nodded at her, his eyes quickly returning to my face.

Okay.

Really?

I was stunned.

If I were honest with myself I would admit that I had been bracing myself to watch Justin turn the flirt up a notch for Jo. She was tall, model thin, and had thick, poker-straight, long strawberry blonde hair. If Justin Carmichael transformed into a smoldering flirt around me then I had totally been expecting him to melt Jo into the floor with his charm.

Instead he’d been kind of cool towards her.

That did not make me happy in any way.

Hmm. I’d always been good at lying to myself.

“Justin Carmichael?” Jo asked, oblivious to his disinterest. “Oh my God. You own Fire.”

Damn my curiosity over this guy. “Fire?”

“The club on Victoria Street. You know, just off the Grassmarket.” Jo’s eyelashes were batting a mile a minute at him now.

He owns a nightclub. Of course he does.

“I do,” he muttered and then checked his watch.

I knew that move. I used that move whenever I was uncomfortable. In that moment I really wanted to slap Jo for gushing all over him. Justin was not replacing Steven. No way.

“I love that place,” Jo continued, leaning further over the bar to give him an eagle-eye view of her small, inconsequential chest.

Meow. Where did that come from?

“Maybe we could go together some time? I’m Jo, by the way.”

Ugh. She was giggling like a five-year-old. For some reason that giggle, which I heard every Thursday and Friday night, was suddenly very irritating.

Justin nudged Ellie as if to say ‘let’s go’, his expression impatient now. But Ellie was too busy murmuring to Adam to notice her brother’s quiet desperation.

“What do you say?” Jo persisted.

Justin shot me a searching look I didn’t quite understand before shrugging at her. “I have a girlfriend.”

Jo snorted, fluffing her hair over her shoulder. “So leave her at home.”

Oh Jesus C… “Ellie, didn’t you say you guys were meeting someone?” I asked loudly enough to drag her away from Adam. She needed to rescue her brother pronto.

“What?”

I gave her a pointed look and repeated the question with gritted teeth.

Finally recognizing the look on Jo’s face and the one on her brother’s, Ellie nodded wide-eyed with understanding. “Oh yes. We better leave.”

Jo sulked. “Don’t you-”

“Jo!” Craig called for assistance from the bottom end of the bar where more customers had started congregating. I sort of loved him in that moment.

Grumbling, Jo shot Justin a childish pout and hurried over to Craig and the waiting customers.

“Sorry.” Ellie bit her lip, casting Justin an apologetic look.

He waved her apology off and stepped back, gesturing like a gentleman for her to take the lead out of the bar.

“Bye, Selena.” She gave me a wide smile and a wave. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Yeah. Have a good night.”

I observed the proprietary hand Adam placed on Ellie’s lower back as he nodded a polite goodbye my way and led her out. Was there something going on there? Possibly. Not that I would ask her about it. She’d only turn my curiosity back on me with questions about my non-existent love life and then she’d want to know why my love-life was non-existent. That was not a conversation I wanted to have with anyone.

My skin prickled and reluctantly I let my gaze travel back to Justin who’d taken a step towards the bar, the polite coolness from earlier replaced with a heat that was all too familiar.

“Thanks for the rescue.” I swear his low, rumbling voice vibrated all the way into my panties.

Squirming inwardly, I tried for nonchalance. “No problem. Jo’s a sweetheart and she doesn’t mean any harm… but she’s a blatant gold digger.”

Justin just nodded, seeming uninterested in anything Jo-related.

Silence quickly fell between us, our eyes catching, staying, locking. I didn’t even realize my mouth had fallen open until his eyes dipped to stare at it.

What the hell was this?

I snapped back from him, feeling my skin flush as I glanced around to see if anyone else had caught the moment between us. No one was watching.

Why wasn’t he leaving?

Looking back at him, I tried not to seem unnerved, when in actuality I was so out of my depth. I attempted unsuccessfully to ignore his slow, heated perusal of my body. He had to stop doing that!

When his eyes eventually crawled their way back up to mine, I made a face at him. I couldn’t believe him. He’d pretty much ignored Jo, but for me he’d turn on ‘the sex’. Did he get some sick satisfaction out of tormenting me?

Stepping back from the bar with a quick grin, Justin shook his head at me.

“What?” I scowled.

He smirked at me. I hated when guys smirked at me. Even sexy smirks like his. “I don’t know what I like better…” he mused, stroking his chin in teasing contemplation. “…the naked you, or you in that tank top. D’s right?”

What? I frowned, totally confused.

And then it hit me.

Jerk!

The ass**le had just—correctly—guessed my bra cup size. He was never going to let me live down yesterday. I could see that now.

I threw my dishrag at him and he laughed, dodging it. “I’ll take that as a yes.”

Then he was gone before I could summon up an epic retort that would knock him on his ass.

I swear to God, the next time we met, I’d get the last word in.

~4~

Lena, the heroine of my fantasy series, and a bad-ass assassin in the kingdom of Morvern, was supposed to be planning her attack on the Queen’s Lieutenant, Arvane—a mage who was secretly having an affair with the Queen’s nephew, and using his influence and magic to manipulate monarchical and political control. Instead, Lena had begun fantasizing about stripping, Ten, leader of the Queen’s guard, naked. Ten, who had been a blonde in the first five chapters, was now dark-haired with pale blue eyes. He was also not supposed to be the romantic hero. There wasn’t supposed to be a romantic hero at all. This was all about Lena!

Frustrated, I pushed away from my laptop.

Freaking Justin! He was even polluting my manuscript with his sexual toxicity.

That’s it. I was giving up for today. Knowing Ellie was bringing Chinese takeout home for dinner after her research at the university, I decided to slot in some time at the gym just around the corner on Queen Street as a pre-emptive attack on the calories. I generally didn’t care about my food intake, but I had been into sports at school and liked to keep in shape. Good thing too, because I really liked chips, or crisps, as they were called here. Any chips, all chips, fattening, delicious, and crispy chips. My close relationship with chips was possibly the most real in my life.

I drove out my frustration over my book into the treadmill, crosstrainer, bike and weights until I was a sweating, jellified mess. The workout relaxed me–enough that my brain started to work again. A character started forming in my head and she wouldn’t leave me alone. Mostly because she was a lot like me. She was alone in life, independent, driven. She’d grown up in foster care in Scotland and moved to the US on a work visa and ended up falling in love…

The character was my mom. My mom’s story had been great until it ended tragically. Everyone loves a good tragedy. Everyone would love my mom. She’d been spunky and outspoken, but really kind and compassionate. My dad had adored her from the minute he met her but it had taken him six months to break down her defenses. Their romance had been epic. I’d never thought about writing a romance before, but I couldn’t get the idea of immortalizing my parents on paper out of my head. Flashes of memories I’d buried under a steel and cold will started passing across my eyes until the gym disappeared around me: my mom standing at the kitchen sink, washing the dishes because she didn’t trust the dishwasher. My dad quietly pressing up against her back, his arms sliding around her waist and hugging her close as he whispered in her ear. Whatever he’d said had made her melt back against him, her head tilting up for his kiss. Then it flashed to my dad chasing my mom inside the house at night, the door slamming, scaring the bejesus out of me and my babysitter. My mom yelling at him for being an alpha male douchebag. My dad growling about how he wasn’t going to stand by and watch some jerk from her work blatantly flirting with her in front of him. My mom screaming that he didn’t have to punch the guy. ‘He had his hand on your ass!’ my dad had snapped back, as I watched on in bewildered amazement. Someone had had his hand on my mom’s ass in front of my dad? Idiot. ‘I was taking care of it!’ my mom argued. ‘Not fast enough! You’re not working with him anymore!’ From there the argument had escalated until my babysitter was running out of there without waiting for her payment. But I wasn’t worried by the argument. My parents had always had a passionate relationship. The argument would resolve itself. And it did. My dad apologized for losing his cool but wouldn’t budge on the whole ‘not working with him’ thing. The issue became such a big deal that my mom eventually agreed, because the jerk from her work was, well, a jerk and I assumed there was more to the story than just what had happened that night. My mom actually moved to a different accountancy firm. Marriage was all about compromise she’d said, and dad would do it for her.

The memories were so clear. I could see the gold in my mom’s hazel eyes, could smell my dad’s cologne, could feel his arms around me, my mom’s hand brushing through my hair…

My chest squeezed tight and I stumbled on the treadmill, the world around me coming back, but in a pulsing of color and noise that didn’t make sense. My blood was pounding in my ears, my heart rate had escalated so fast I struggled to breathe. Pain flared up my knee, but I was barely aware of it, or the strong hands helping me to my feet and on to solid ground.

“Focus on your breathing,” a soothing voice coached in my ear.

I followed the voice and swam through the panic, grabbing control of my breathing.

Eventually my vision cleared, the compression in my head easing, my lungs opening up. Trembling from the adrenaline spiked by the panic attack, I turned to look up at the guy who was holding onto me. His dark eyes were concerned.

“You feeling better?”

I nodded, embarrassment flooding me as I looked up to see people watching us from the machines. I gently eased from his grip. “Sorry.”

He shook his head. “Don’t be. I’m just glad I caught you before your whole body hit the treadmill. Your knee is going to have a nasty bruise on it though.” He gestured to it.

I glanced down and saw a tear in my sports leggings and the pain hit me. I winced, flexing my leg. “Great.”

“I’m Gavin.” He stuck his hand out to me and I politely took it, but lazily shook it. I was exhausted.

“Selena. Thanks, by the way.”

Gavin frowned and I noted that he was cute, if you liked that muscly, clean-cut sporty type. And he was a blonde. “You sure you’re okay? I know a panic attack when I see one.”

Flushing inwardly, I shook my head, not wanting to drag up the memories that had brought on the attack. “I’m really fine. Just been a stressful week. But um… thanks again. I’m just going to head home.”

“I’ve seen you here before.” He stopped me with a smile. “I’m a personal trainer here.”

And? “Okay.”

He smirked at my response. “I’m just saying, I’m here. If you need anything.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. Thanks again.” I gave him an embarrassed wave and took off for the locker room.

I guess the book about my mom was out.

***

I got home before Ellie and decided I needed to keep moving, terrified of bringing on another panic attack. I hadn’t had one of those in years. I started putting out plates in the kitchen trying to conjure up plans in my head for the next chapter in my fantasy novel in an attempt to pretend what happened at the gym hadn’t actually happened.

My mind was taken off of the panic attack. Just not by my novel.

That damn Justin intruded again.

I opened the cutlery drawer and found a bunch of crap in it that didn’t belong there. Next on the list: reorganize the mess Ellie had made of the kitchen. The drawer was full of odds and ends—thread, needles, a camera, glue, double sticky tape, and photographs. There was one of Justin leaning against a railing that looked out over water somewhere. It was a sunny day, and he had turned to the camera just in time, his eyes squinting against the light, his beautiful mouth curled up in an affectionate smile.

As I lay the dishes out, Justin’s smile reminded me of his laughter, and that laughter kept echoing in my ears as it had done for the past four days since I’d seen him at the bar. All I could think about was him shirtless with me wrapped around him like a tortilla. Just because I had written off sexual encounters, it didn’t mean I wasn’t a full-blooded woman who got horny just like everyone else. I had a shoebox of vibrating goodies that took care of me when I was in the mood. But since meeting Justin, I was constantly in the mood and every now and then the thought of going out and finding a one night stand would cross my mind.

Of course I’d remember what it felt like to wake up in a strange bed with two strange guys on either side of me and not know what the hell had happened, and that notion instantly evaporated.

I just… I couldn’t understand how I could be this attracted to someone. Someone, I barely even knew.

The front door slammed, shaking me out of those thoughts, and I began pouring water for me and tea for Ellie.

“Hullooo,” she cooed happily as she entered the kitchen, the smell of the Chinese food triggering a series of grumbles from my stomach. “How was your day?” she dumped the food on the table and I immediately began helping her put it out.

“It was fine,” I mumbled, chewing on a prawn cracker.

When we finally sat down across from each other she threw me a look of concern. “Are you okay?”

No, I’m not okay. I went to the gym and had a panic attack in front of a bunch of strangers. Oh and your flirtatious son-of-a-bitch brother won’t get out of my head or my sexual fantasies. I’m horny, I’m pissed off, and I don’t like it. “Writer’s block.”

“Oh, that’s rubbish. I only know what that’s like when I’m writing my research. I can’t imagine how bad it gets writing a novel.”

“Beyond frustrating.”

We ate in silence for a moment or two, and I noted with curiosity how tense Ellie seemed. “Did you have a good day?”

She gave me a wan smile just before she took a bite of curry rice. When she finished chewing she nodded. “I’m starting to feel the pressure of being a post-grad student.”

“Ah the joys of student life.”

Ellie murmured her agreement, and then after staring at the table in silence for a full minute, asked, “So… what did you think of Adam the other night?”

The question seemed to come out of nowhere and there was a definite coyness to it. Huh. I knew there something going on there. “I don’t know. I didn’t really get a chance to talk to him. He’s cute. Seems friendly.”

A dreamy look passed over Ellie’s face. No joke. Dreamy. I’d only ever seen a look like that in the movies. The girl had it bad.

“Adam’s great. He and Justin have been friends forever. If it wasn’t Justin intimidating my boyfriends in high school, it was Adam.” She blushed, shaking her head. “I followed him around everywhere when I was a kid.”

I didn’t know what compelled me to… “Are you two seeing each other?”

Ellie jerked her gaze up to mine, her eyes wide. “No. Why? Did it seem that way?”

Okay. Wrong question to ask. “A little.”

“No.” She shook her head vehemently. “We’re just friends. Anyway, Justin’s always telling me what a manwhore Adam is. He’d never settle down. And he’s too much like a brother to me for there to be anything… you know… more…” she trailed off unconvincingly.

I knew one thing anyway. I would never have to worry about Ellie lying to me. She couldn’t lie for shit. “Okay.”

“So are you seeing anyone?”

Damn. It was my fault. I’d asked a question. “No. Are you?”

“No.” Ellie sighed. “When was your last relationship?”

Does sex count as a relationship? I shrugged. “When was yours?”

Ellie pursed her lips, her eyelashes dipping to cover the instantly hardened look in her eyes. A fierce wave of protectiveness rushed over me out of nowhere, surprising the hell out of me. “Ellie?”

“Nine months ago.”

And what did the bastard do to you? “What happened?”

“We dated for five months. He told me he worked in Glasgow for a recruitment agency. In actuality he works for a rival property development company here in Edinburgh. They were bidding against Justin for this amazing plot in Commercial Quay. Turns out he was just using me to get to Justin, to find out what Justin’s bid would be so his company could outbid him. Suffice to say the relationship did not end well. He ended up with a broken nose and Justin ended up with the plot.”

I raised an eyebrow, silently congratulating Justin on teaching the a-hole a lesson. “Justin beat him up?”

“No.” Ellie shook her head. “Justin doesn’t fight. He hasn’t in a long time.” She smiled widely now. “It was Adam that beat the tar out of him.”

I grinned back at her. “I shouldn’t condone violence, but… yay, Adam.”

Ellie laughed and then sobered. “I’m just glad my naivety didn’t cause Justin any difficulties at work.”

I’m sure that wasn’t what Justin was worried about. I didn’t know how I knew that, but I did. Anyone with eyes and ears could tell Ellie was important to him. “I can’t believe someone would go to that much trouble, do something so heinous, for a plot of land.”

“Commercial Quay is really up and coming. Michelin Star restaurants, cosmetic surgeries, stylish cocktail bars… Justin is building luxury flats there and they’ll fetch anything from half a million to a million for the penthouse apartments. Quite the profit margin.”

I was sickened that anyone could use someone as sweet as Ellie for a damn profit margin. “Guys suck.”

Ellie raised her mug of tea at me in agreement.

After a while of chewing silently, Ellie cleared her throat. “I noticed a few photographs of your family in your room earlier. You know, you’re welcome to put them out in the sitting room or anywhere in the flat. It’s your home now too.”

I stiffened at the mention of my family, still uneasy about taking another attack. “That’s okay.”

I heard her answering sigh and braced myself. “You don’t really talk about them much.”

The time had come already? With Rhian it had been six weeks before she found out. Stomach churning, I pushed my plate away from me and sat back to meet Ellie’s anxious gaze. We were roommates now, we got along – surprisingly well, considering how different we were – and it was time to just lay my cards on the table. “My family is dead,” I told her numbly, no grief, no tears, nothing for her to see as I watched her cheeks grow instantly pale. “I don’t talk about them. Ever.”

I don’t know what I was expecting. Maybe because Ellie was so open and kind I thought there would be an attempt to break through my guard. But she amazed me again. “Okay,” she answered, and I saw her struggling to hide the pity in her gaze.

“Alright then.” I gave her a soft, reassuring smile and she answered it, her shoulders relaxing.

A minute later she murmured, “You know, you can be a little bit intimidating.”

My lips curled up apologetically. “I know. Sorry.”

“It’s okay. I’m used to Justin.”

As though he’d heard his name, Ellie’s cell lit up and his name flashed across the screen. She answered it immediately, but without her usual cheer. Seems my dead family was a mood killer.

***

I don’t know how, but Ellie had managed to convince me to go out with them. I stared down at Ellie and Justin’s friends in a dress I’d borrowed from her wardrobe. They were seated on sofas around a low coffee table in a bar on George IV Bridge. Justin had called two hours ago asking us to meet them all here. Of course, I’d been ready an hour ago. Ellie had taken forever to get ready, and as she shot Adam a smile, I began to understand why.

“Everyone, this is my new flatmate Selena.” She turned to me. “Selena, this is Jenna and Ed.”

I’d gotten the run down in the cab down here. Jenna, the cute blonde with the quirky glasses and diamond engagement ring was Ellie’s best friend and fellow PhD student. Ed, the short blonde guy who made geeky stylish, was Jenna’s fiancé.

“And you’ve met Adam and Justin.” Her smile slipped a little as she looked at the woman sitting pressed up against Justin. She had pale, almost white, blonde hair, huge blue eyes, long limbs and a full pouty mouth. “And this is Holly. Justin’s girlfriend.”

I remembered instantly that Ellie didn’t like her. From the sneer Holly gave Ellie, it was clear the feeling was mutual. I said hello to everyone, avoiding Justin’s gaze and ignoring the way my heart was pounding against my ribcage just being near him and his girlfriend.

No way was I going to feel despondent about the fact that she reminded me of Jo: my complete opposite in every way.

Sitting down next to Jenna as Ellie rushed off to get us drinks, I tried to look anywhere but at the couple to my right.

“How are you settling in then, Selena?” Adam asked from across the table.

Grateful, I gave him a wide smile. “Good, thanks. And it’s Selena.”

“So you and Ellie are rubbing along well then?”

Something in his voice told me it wasn’t a casual question. He was worried about my roommate. I began to wonder if Ellie’s feelings might be reciprocated. “We’re getting along amazingly. She’s a great person.”

My answer went over well with him. “Good, I’m glad. So Ellie tells me you’re writing a book?”

“Oh my God,” Holly interrupted with her throaty English accent. I hated that her accent was so cool. “Did I tell you, babe, that my friend Cheri got published?”

Justin shook his head, his eyes darting to my face. I glanced away quickly, pretending to be fascinated by Holly’s news of this mysterious Cheri person.

“Cheri is my best friend from home,” Holly explained to the table just as Ellie came back with the drinks. I shimmied over to let her in beside me. “She writes the best books.”

“What are they about?” Ed asked politely. I glanced at Jenna and saw she and Ellie were exchanging ‘a look’. I was getting that Holly was not at all well-liked among the girls.

“Oh they’re just amazing. They’re about this girl from the poorhouse who falls in love with this guy who’s a businessman but still has, like, an old English title… like an earl or something. So romantic. And her writing is just amazing. She’s just amazing.”

Okay. Apparently she was amazing.

“So it’s an historical novel?” Ed asked.

“No.” She shook her head in bemusement.

“Holly,” Justin appeared to be trying not to smile, “There’s no such thing as a poorhouse anymore. Are you sure it’s not an historical?”

“Well, Cheri didn’t say it was.”

“Then I’m sure you’re right,” Adam told her congenially. Ellie’s shoulders shook next to mine at the very well-disguised sarcasm in his reply. I tried to look anywhere but at Justin.

“Jenna, when’s your first dress-fitting again?” Ellie asked, peering around me.

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