#my adhd brain can hardly handle it all

[flower-of-assiah]

if I seem quiet just know it's not for lack of aoex brainrot, in fact it's because it's SO STRONG I couldn't sleep for almost 24 hours after we got the season 3 PVs lol also aoex ch144 had/still has me in a chokehold because like if you know me (and those that follow me should be aware) the Rin/Shiemi content has me so happy and emotional haha I'll get back to making edits soon and trying to be better about posting updates on news about aoex! my love for this series grows stronger every day and that's saying something as I've been a fan for like 10 years haha

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for wanting my parents to get me a nice PC?

no real fighting or anything happened, this is mostly so I can grapple with my own brain about it. I'll also avoid talking about general past parental abuse since that feels largely irrelevant/extraneous to the current question :P I (24ftm) am still living with my parents since the pandemic left me unemployed and I don't make enough money off my hobbies to actually go anywhere. I have been slowly starting to go back to college (after experiencing immense trauma from getting forced into college full time by the parents at 17) which my parents have been very receptive of, if not annoyed that I'm staunchly refusing to go back full time. I'm generally grateful that they've housed me as long as they have.

As a more mature adult now I do feel that I *can* return full time, or at least part time rather than my current one class a semester pattern, but there's one single problem with that— the classes i need to take to get the degree i want (technical design, which requires classes on 3D modeling and related) all require a more heavy duty computer than what I currently have, which is a dinky 4gb ram laptop I've had since at *least* 2017 that takes 20 minutes just to open a browser, and slow as molasses when I'm trying to use more than two applications at once. My parents agreed to pay for it using money from my college fund on a few conditions (such as cleaning out my bedroom to make space for it which I've been trying to do, but ADHD has made it embarrassingly difficult)

however, when I bring up the PC in any conversation, especially where i try to bring up that i need it for any classes i want to take in the future, my parents seem very upset. They accuse me of making that fact up since I've only been taking one class each semester, calling it unfair and accusing me of only wanting it to "goof off with my friends" (verbatim) and don't seem to understand the laptop *physically cannot handle* the programs that classes require, and I can hardly get a word in edgewise. It's been a nonstop feedback loop of saying I need a better PC for more classes, but getting told i cant get a better PC because i'm not taking more classes, subsequently not taking more classes because i don't have a better PC, rinse and repeat. I've been trying to explain, but they genuinely won't even listen to me.

I feel spiteful that my parents aren't understanding, and even more bitter when they've been buying thousand dollar TVs for themselves and whole new appliances for my older sibling (28mtf) who's moved out (she's the favorite sibling by a mile lol), so i know their hesitance isn't from a monetary standpoint (not to mention I said I'd be willing to pull from my own college fund for it). But I also feel guilty like I'm asking too much, or that I'm just making this problem up in my head, or that my parents are being generous in even offering/agreeing in the first place and I'm just being greedy. I have yet to fully confront them on it, but it's driving me insane with weird mixed emotions. so I just want to know if I'm being an entitled baby or if I really should be persistent on this topic.

What are these acronyms?

[lillianofliterature]

Hi everyone, it's been a while.

I'm really trying to get back into writing, but am finding it so difficult to finish anything. I don't know whether it's the adhd, depression, or chronic fatigue and brain fog (probably all of the above) but I'm doing my best. I've had some really traumatic memories resurface through therapy which I'll hopefully be writing about soon (it's cathartic to work it out with my favorite characters).

I'm going to be cutting off any requests in my inbox. There are quite a few, and I just don't think I can handle the pressure of requests anymore, even though they're all very sweet. I love that anyone wants to read my writing, so much so that they request certain things, but for some reason it makes my whole brain panic and shut down. I'll just be basically deleting them all, I think, and not because I don't appreciate them or like them---simply because I can't keep on top of them and my own work without the executive dysfunction making me freeze, and then not do anything.

I'll be keeping a few of the lighter preference requests in hope they might help me just drabble some, but if I don't write yours, it isn't personal. I love them all! I just have to be gentler with my personal expectations from now on so I can get out of this rut.

Hopefully this burnout I've been dealing with the last few years with subside soon. I'm so tired of not being able to create like I want to. I think my biggest obstacle is the expectation I put on myself to post everything I write, even before I've got a first draft completed. And when engagement is down on posts like this, when I'm just venting, it really discourages me. I know "popularity" shouldn't be a driving motivator, but it definitely helps to know your efforts will be recieved well by many readers. I don't know how people write so consistently and keep up engagement! I can hardly convince myself to get up and cook a proper meal.

If anyone else is going through this, you have my understanding and compassion.

[sea-buns]

i've unlocked a new pet peeve and i'm fuckin miserable. i've always hated backseating in general but with COOKING,,, i'm fuck. i'm so tilted. i hardly ever cook in my house. not bc of a lack of interest so much as its just hard to take initiative on it and willingly put myself in a situation where ppl are constantly around me. but i found some time like a week ago where the house was pretty quiet and made a thing. and i enjoyed myself so much i got the ingredients to do another thing. and ALL I ASKED. was that i be left alone. like if i have a question or if i need help i will ask, but otherwise let me work it out on my own. if i fuck up or do something stupid that's on me, but LET ME FUCK UP.

i was interrupted so many times. like listen to me its not even about small talk which i thought would be the one unavoidable hindrance. my adhd brain cannot handle good-natured tips and tricks. i'm following instructions and i'm trying to get a handle on how it says it's made so that LATER i can decide how i would change it. but when i've finally zoned myself into a task the LAST thing i want is for you to tell me how you "usually do it" or how i can "do it smarter"

suffice to say it came out okay and i don't think i'd be as upset about the parts that weren't so great if i wasn't already so on-edge. idk man. it's just always gonna be a bummer when your polite request for space is acknowledged but then completely neglected when the time comes. like is that a neurotypical thing? to not realize how much you're crowding/overstepping? cuz i always feel like it's the easiest request, and i'm proud when i can actually express it. but there is ALWAYS some kinda disconnect that feels like i either said nothing at all or it's worse now and that's my fault

[sayhikatie]

When I started working retail full time over nine years ago I would work at a frantic and hectic pace, overstimulating and exhausting myself. I also had trouble getting along with coworkers who had big personalities. I would be okay for weeks but then the stress would add up and I'd go into burnout. Sometimes I would ring customers for hours, hardly looking at anyone and barely able to continue a difficult transaction because my brain would freeze up. I spent my days off battling fatigue, stress, anxiety, sensory overload and migraines. I spent hours researching online why I hated noises and couldn't feel any emotion except anger most of the time. Sometimes I wouldn't feel anger but would break something in my hand while feeling nothing and surprise myself.

I thought sensory processing disorder and recent burnout from overwork during the pandemic explained most of it. But, it didn't. I continued to struggle in a calmer and quieter environment and went back to the drawing board. I read more and realized I experience symptoms of the following:

sensory processing disorder

alexithymia

emotional dysregulation

avoiding eye contact

dyspraxia (A huge struggle as a kid especially. I can't ride a bike even now.)

prosopagnosia (I didn't even recognize my neighbor out in public and she could tell)

meltdowns, shutdowns, overload, burnout

preferring to be alone or with family

I realized that all my symptoms are aspects of ADHD/autism, although I've never been to a therapist because how could I go when I live in a society that didn't teach me the words or ability to identify what I was struggling with? I also know that therapists wouldn't take me seriously because I had no developmental delays as a child, I finished a bachelor's degree with honors, I can drive a car, and have worked full time for nine years (despite feeling like I've been playing a game on hard mode every day for all these years). I would also not want to have a diagnosis because of discrimination. I'm just grateful that other people online are sharing their experiences because it seems that most people have no idea what neurodivergence really is. My symptoms started getting worse with age but I'm handling stress and overload a lot better now that I understand what is going on.

[lavendertowerarchives]

TW SH

Dude. I fucking relapsed again. It's getting tiresome.

My head gets loud every morning and does not shut up until I am fully unconscious the next night. Sometimes I can influence the thoughts. Usually the thoughts influence me. There's always some point of pain or some grievance I have or stressful deadline to meet, and that doesn't leave my head. I can't get rid of either the source or the symptom. Distractions only go so far.

SH works, though. If that point of pain is external, I have something to concentrate on that is explicitly not internal. Every five seconds, instead of thinking "___ hasn't responded" or "this assignment is due tonight" or "do I shower or eat or walk or go to class first," my attention is directed to the needle in my arm. My attention stays outside of my body and is forced to remain on what I look at.

If the object of my surveillance is internal, there's so much to get distracted by. Sure, there's a lot of shit on my computer or desk in front of me, but there are several orders of magnitude more painful things inside my brain. I'm sick of having no control over how often I pine away for JH or stress about my next assignment or malign my nonexistent social skills.

I'm too paranoid to actually damage my skin. The urge to look inside is large, but not larger than my fear of being found out by my partner, who is almost two years clean. I will not reveal this to them. I am a selfish hypocrite and the fact that I know this helps nothing. I finally understand the benefits of harming oneself. I will deprive them of that because I do not trust them to use it for anything beneficial. I don't leave scars. I don't leave bruises. I don't leave any mark. I've checked consistently, and each time, I can hardly tell where I've done it. It works wonders.

I'm fully level-headed in my decision to puncture myself. Despite me spiraling almost every day now, the fits of feeling lost in my own imagination never have led to any actual harm. It's a technique used for progress, not escape. I'm surprised at my willpower when I'm crashing, but I do fully expect some sort of paralysis. I'm always in a state of analysis paralysis.

When my mind is louder than normal, it is cumbersome. That's not the dangerous state. The state which pushes me over the edge is that of an empty mind. A mind so full of brainrot and pleasure-seeking and ADHD inaction and executive dysfunction that it can't even bootload a single .exe to start a train of thought. All the context switching from initiating different ideas takes up the actual processing power. I'm stuck "thinking" of two assignments, six MTG decks, three friends, one partner, three plans, two posts, one horniness, four games, and two unread messages. Nothing gets done. I'm considering doing it again tonight to get me to write the script for this damned presentation but I don't think I want to keep my sleep schedule as fucked as it is. I need progress but I also need sleep but I also need food.

None of this is counting the dubious levels of self-harm I engage in every day without consideration. I've never cared for my body, and eating only two meals a day, not looking when crossing the street, staying awake for hours, etc., is just normal to me. Yes, ideally, I'd get a handle on this. First, though, I'd have to get a handle on the rest of this fucked up life. I want out.

[thisadhdlife]

I'm alive: A Life Update

Hey ya'll. I hope you've been doing well! I think the last time I actually posted anything was back in March of 2023. So, to say that it's been a while would be an understatement.

A lot has happened since March; wow, feels like an entirely different lifetime when I compare it to my life today: No, my life isn't perfect (whose life is?) but a lot of things have happened since then.

Everyone here who reads anything I write knows that I was formally diagnosed with ADHD in 2021. We're now rapidly approaching the end of 2023: Hard to believe we'll be entering the month of December in not too long.

Back in March I was on academic probation at my community college, trying all kinds of classes here and there, but never making headway. I eventually ended up stumbling across Clinical Research Coordination as a career field and haven't looked back since. I spent the Spring and Summer semesters of 2023 digging myself out of academic probation, and at the end of summer, I submitted my for application to join the academic program at my school.

I should emphasize the significance of this: I haven't found something I'm genuinely interested in studying since 2016. So, the fact that I was interested enough that I worked my ass off to get myself out of probation to be able to apply to the program should tell you something.

Once I crawled out of academic probation, I got this weird and insane idea that maybe, just maybe, I could be an honors student (can you believe it? ME? An honors student? lol) I certainly wouldn't believe it if you'd have told me a year ago. But... somehow, someway, I managed to push my doubts and fears (of embarrassing myself) aside and took the plunge into the honors program. And... surprisingly, I LOVED it.

For the first time in my life, I wasn't only surviving: I was thriving in an academic environment. For most of my life I've been a D-average student. Today, I have a cumulative GPA of nearly 4.0; and, as of this year, I'm also a lifetime member of Phi Theta Kappa. I couldn't believe It: Me, someone who's been on a razors-edge of being kicked out of school multiple times in my life and has had to literally beg administrators to be able to stay in school... me, being invited to join an honors society. Because I was part of the honors program, I got to conduct and write my own research paper (got credit for it from the school too!) about ADHD! Because I joined Phi Theta Kappa, I've had the chance to travel and network with people I would've never met before.

At the beginning of 2023, I was worried about paying for school, covering tuition, fees, and expenses like books and supplies. Today, I'm on multiple scholarships because I've been treating applying for scholarships and writing scholarship essays like a part-time job since the Spring semester (2023). I didn't expect to win... but, as it turns out, when I'm not lost to the brain-fog of ADHD, I can move mountains with my efforts. As of right now, I have 100% of my school expenses being covered by merit-based scholarships: This is something that I always thought that "people like me don't get. It's for others. Those much smarter than me." and yet, here I am: Honors Student, Phi Theta Kappa member, and nearly a 4.0 GPA in college.

It might sound like I'm bragging, but... I'm not. I'm simply writing down the things that have happened to me. It's hard to believe, because I used to be one of those people who was never good at school. Could hardly even pass a class with a C, let alone handle a full-time courseload, with As across the board.

I'm thankful for the opportunities that have come my way, and I'm thankful for the people I've met so far. To think that all of this started with ONE simple decision to seek help for ADHD. There are more things I need to do, of course. But, I think it helps to take a moment and take-stock of the things that have happened over the last year or so.

Until next time, ADHD-fam. Love ya'll.

P.S. Happy (late) thanksgiving if you're in the US.

[bsdndprplplld]

29 X 2022

another exhausting week finally over! fortunately I have two extra weekend days, so I can rest and do my homework without stressing over it

I found another promising youtube channel about learning. and "insanely difficult subjects" sounds about right when it comes to everything that's happening in math

I wish there was more content about learning math specifically. the tips I see, however good and useful for studying memory-based stuff such as biology or history, don't seem to work for math

for now my best method is to study the theory from the textbook, trying to prove everything on my own or if that fails, working through the proofs, coming up with examples of objects and asking (possibly dumb) questions that I then try to answer. afterwards I proceed to solving exercises

recently I've been studying mainly commutative algebra, in particular the localization

we didn't spend much time discussing local rings so I had to find some useful properties on my own. the whole idea of "local properties" is an interesting one and I definitely want to read more about it

I find it to be much more elegant to study localization through its universal property and exact sequences rather than through calculation on elements. it's funny how you can cheat so many of our homework problems by knowing basics of category theory and a little bit of homological algebra

I wonder if it's possible to learn math using mind maps, never actually tried. here is my attempt at doing that for one of the subjects in complex analysis:

other than studying I had to prepare a presentation for one of my courses

the topics were given to us by the professor so I thought it would be boring and technical, but I got lucky to discuss the possible generalizations of the Jordan theorem

now I'm gonna talk about something more personal

this week has been difficult because my brain doesn't enjoy existing. some days I had so many meltdowns and shutdowns, I could barely think and speak, let alone study difficult subjects in math. it's really disappointing, as I thought it got better after introducing new medication, but apparently I still can't handle time pressure and I break very easily when emotions become overwhelming (which they frequently do). one of the most discouraging parts of a neurodivergent brain is that you can't always say "alright then I'll just work harder" when you see that the situation requires it. you can't, because your brain has a certain threshold of "how much can you take before you snap" and no tips for studying when you're tired can change that. if you try, you'll just have a meltdown and your day is over, the rest of it must be spent regaining your strength and all you can do is hoping that tomorrow will be better

I wish I could always simply enjoy math and see it as an escape route from a confusing world of human interaction and unpredictable emotions, but whenever there is a deadline or grading criteria, I can hardly enjoy it anymore. I know that this is not what it's always gonna be, the further I go the less deadlines and exams we have, so I must wait and one day it might be okey

since june I've been trying to discuss accommodations regarding adhd and autism with my university but the process takes forever and I'm slowly losing hope that I will ever have it easier

nonetheless, I'm willing to do everything to achieve the goal of spending my days alone working on developing some new theory. just a few more years and I might start living the dream

[zaharya]

Hey so you have ADHD and are in higher education, do you have any advice for an ADHD/autistic person going into college who struggles with motivation and studying? Also I figure it's worth a shot to ask but do you have any advice for handling autistic burnout caused overstimulation while not failing classes? Sorry if this is out of the blue but I'm really nervous and figured I'd ask

Phew, that's a rather big question, and I'm not sure it can be so easily answered 😅 These things depend heavily on your circumstances as well as individual factors, which obviously I know nothing about in your case. I also don't know that much about ASD, I'm afraid; certainly not enough to feel comfortable giving advice for it (sorry 😕).

I suppose I could give you the usual (and fundamentally true) speech about including buffer-times in your study schedules [ADHD time-tax; however long you estimate a task to take, multiply that by 3 or 4 (ideally 4 in the beginning), and that's how much time you actually plan for the task], setting partial deadlines with professors and supervisors, breaking down big assignments into small, manageable steps, make sure you get enough sleep, take breaks while studying etc. But I'm assuming you know all that.

Generally speaking, these struggles with motivation and studying with ADHD aren't usually very straightforward to combat. What works and what doesn't is highly individual; for example, in my case medication is an important factor, while that hardly matters for other people. I hate saying it but it's mostly something you have to figure out for yourself by trial and error. On top of that, most useful ADHD coping strategies tend to work for a while, then stop working, and at some point they suddenly work again. Don't dismay if a strategy that worked for you (idk, let's say Pomodoro timers) suddenly doesn't work anymore! Just switch to a different strategy for a while and try it again after a few weeks – at some point your brain will perceive it as new and shiny again, and it'll be helpful again. Personally, I just permanently cycle through strategies 😅

The few strategies that (more or less) continuously helped me throughout my uni career are almost exclusively things that involve other people somehow. For example body doubling to stay focused a little better, or having another person talk at when plan my assignments because talking it through helps me get my thoughts straight. So, I suppose my best advice is to build a solid support system; whether that consists of people you study with or other friends or family. Whoever you're comfortable with, actively seek support when you need it, even if that support is in passive form like just sitting with you while you work (aka body doubling). Also, if motivation is a problem, there's no shame in giving yourself external incentives! Reward yourself! The idea that motivation must be intrinsic is simply not viable for neurodivergents. We're just not wired that way, and that's fine; extrinsic motivation is just as well.

Otherwise, I'd recommend looking into what accommodations are available at your uni; more time on tests or extendable deadlines can make a big difference! Also, and I know that's really hard, if you notice that you're slipping in a course, contact your professor sooner rather than later. Perhaps I am overly optimistic, but in my experience, most profs are understanding enough and happy to help if you communicate openly with them (before the deadline is two days away). Of course, that won't always be possible, and sometimes you'll think "shit now it's already too late" – it's still better to message them immediately than after three days of berating yourself, which helps nobody.

... well that got longer than expected, I apologise 🙈 I wish I had a better answer for you, but I'm afraid my best advice is really just to find other neurodivergent people to connect with, for mutual support. Whether IRL or online, a solid support community can make a huge difference. (I took the liberty of peeking at your blog and saw that you're into Merlin; we have a Merlin Discord server that is overwhelmingly neurodivergent, if you'd like to join us? It's called The Merlin Library / @themerlinlibrary – we have a bunch of people who sometimes body double together on VC or help each other plan assignments etc. No pressure of course, just an offer!)

In any case, I wish you the best! 💜

[lgbtqlegends]

My brain is so convoluted with headcanons and fic and just so much so if youve done this already just ignore it lmao but autistic ava

yesss i love autistic!ava. also sorry it's (again) taken me so long to answer lmao i wasn't ignoring it, i just seriously have had no motivation for hardly anything lmao (and my brain has been really Stubborn lately lol). anyways, thanks for the ask n hope you enjoy!

-sara always helps her whenever she has a meltdown/shutdown. she'll bring ava back to their room because it's nice and quiet and calm in there, and she gets out the weighted blanket that they keep in the closet (bc i imagine they keep at least one weighted blanket in their room bc i think they'd both need it at times). depending on what ava needs that day, she either puts on ava's soothing comfort music or gives her some noise cancelling headphones, n then of course like stim/fidget toys n stuff too (i headcanon that a favorite of both of them is the tangle)

-ava has a chewy stim toy that she absolutely Loves. she has to carry around disinfectant for it though bc she's Like That, but anyway it helps a lot. she accidentally breaks it on a mission one day and the entire team travels back in time to buy a bunch of the chewy stim toys and some of the other ones that ava likes from that company bc it had gone out of business while they were traveling. (and, well, if the company just suddenly receives a bunch of grants n donations to get out of bankruptcy from a bunch of rich people/corporations, well then, how'd that happen? (it was totally mick and john's idea))

-adding on to that ^, sara and ava (although sara already knew about it), wake up one morning to a giant basket of all the stim toys outside of their bedroom door, and ava is confused at first until she realizes, and then she's super happy/grateful and she starts happy stimming, and then she goes around the ship n gives everyone a super big hug bc she Does Not know how else to express how happy she is

-she bonds with ray a lot bc they deal with a lot of similar stuff, and she ends up helping him with some of his inventions (she also sometimes bonds with mick abt it too bc he deals with some similar stuff too but he never bothered to get diagnosed w/ anything cause he didn't really care that much)

-also! adhd!sara + autistic!ava, and sometimes when they're both super happy about something they'll just, sit in their room, on their bed n they'll just happy stim together for a while. or if they're both having a rough time with sensory issues some days then they'll just take a while to lay in bed together, with lights/sounds set to something they can both handle. it depends on the day and if they can both handle it or not, but if they can then usually they hold each other a bit, and if not usually they at least lay there and hold hands

[obaewankenope]

Okay so, I have ADHD. I'm 18 and was diagnosed 2 months ago? Maybe one? I don't remember. Anyways, I'm constantly thinking about and bouncing between the "hey it's okay you can't do this, it's not your fault, you just need some extra help and you can do it!!!" and "you're so stupid, just try harder, if you cared enough you'd be able to do it. why are you asking for special treatment and being a burden?" lines of thinking.

And that, especially lately, has led me to hyperfixating on the fear that, hey, maybe even when I do start medication and have finally figured out how to manage this with my therapist... what if I still can't do it?

This is especially difficult when it comes to art. I'm an aspiring artist & illustrator, and the struggle to do something that I love so much is so incredibly frustrating.

And it makes me worry that, even when I am finally medicated and have what I need, and even now when I'm REALLY struggling... maybe the problem is me and not the clearly albeist system I'm forced to work in.

Maybe I don't love it enough. Maybe I'm not as passionate and dedicated and driven to succeed with my art as I think I am. And it is so unbelievably soul crushing to think that because, that's it for me, that's all I can think to do with my life. I don't really have anything else, which I know sounds dramatic but, yeah. And the idea that I might not care for it enough, or that simply caring for it isn't enough, is really messing with me.

Uh so I'm not really sure what I'm asking aside from, WHAT DO I DO? How do I manage this? How do you deal with the imposter syndrome? Help????

Okay so, there's a LOT to unpack here, bean, and we're gonna do it now at 2:39am because why the fuck not, right?

You're 18 which means your brain is still developing. That means you have to deal with the chaotic brain chemistry that comes with growing on top of the chaos of adhd. That sucks.

The whole swings and roundabouts thinking on your ability is, sadly, very common. Too common to be as normalised as it is tbh. The first thought process is the Good One. That's the one that is Accurate To You And Your Needs. The second thought process is the Society Mindset Of Judgement.

I call thoughts like that "brain weasels" - a concept my friend Lily mentioned one day in chat and I just instantly accepted it as reality.

All those bad thoughts, all those moments of "you're a failure" are given a Name in my mind. That is Brian. Brain Weasel Brian. My mother calls them Brain Weasel Paddy.

I heartily advocate that sort of thing. Adopting this method of Attributing A Name to the thoughts that Don't Help You, is a good method of teaching your brain to separate the bad thoughts and the good ones that help.

Sometimes it doesn't work. In my depressive episodes, it doesn't work great if at all. But that happens. Sometimes nothing helps then. Sometimes existing is about as much as I can manage. It's Sucky but it's not permanent.

Rarely, is anything truly permanent. We just tend to think they are.

Next, hyper fixating on fear.

Again, pretty damned normal if also very sucky. Our brains, no matter whether we're neurodiverse or not, are Very Good at remembering the bad and giving up lots of Risk Lists to consider. This mechanism helps us as a species in the wild, of course, but in the world we live in now... well, it's not the best mechanism out there.

We can't stop it, though. It's part of our evolution as humans. We can figure out tricks to help manage it. See, the biggest problem we have with fear and anxiety is we try to push it down and away or we obsess over it. Those are the worst options.

Anxiety and fear have to be imagined to be like smoke. Its there in the air. Its part of it when a fire happens and we need fires for warmth. So anxiety and fear is natural. It's healthy to have both but not so much that we can't function. The mechanism is messing up if we can't function.

Anyway.

Have you ever tried to capture smoke in your hands? It's not possible. You can't cup your hands like you would with water, can't grip it like you would a solid. No. Because smoke is a gas and it moves and shifts and fills up any space it can.

Anxiety and fear are like smoke. They're part of everything and exists because of Reasons and they can be a good thing but can also be a bad thing too.

It can also become too familiar for us sometimes. Like a smoker who lights up and savours the smell of a burning cigarette.

We cling to what we know even if what we know is bad for us. It's human nature. But just because we cling to what we know doesn't mean we can't be brave and let it go. That's human nature too.

We're a species of messy contradictions, after all.

Medication helps the brain chemistry and assists that fear and anxiety mechanism. It's not a cure, contrary to belief, but it will help. Therapy helps you work through things and medication helps settle your brain which will help you further.

Does that mean it's going to fix you? No, because you're not broken. You're different but not broken.

With your art and illustration and your desire to become an illustrator, I can wholly understand the frustration you feel.

But I wonder, does that frustration stem from fear of failure or from feeling so many emotions and not being able to figure out their source?

If its the former, then that's understandable. We all fear failure. But sometimes, it's not failure we actually fear. What we really fear is success. Because we don't know what to do if we succeed. That's a long term thing.

Failure can be immediate and short term. It's something we can think about in the immediate future because our brains are able to follow the tangent of time enough for that.

But success. Success means long term considerations. It means thinking about what comes after. It means considering potential promotions, opportunities, work pieces, connections and so on. It means thinking of those things beyond the short term where our brain's are most comfortable.

ADHD brains are not really built for long term planning. We're good planners for short term things. Good problem solvers. But rarely is it a long term sort of solution we come up with.

Not because we can't, but because we get so mirred in the details, in the What Ifs and the Possibilities that we lose our focus on the Whole Picture. We lose the tangent.

I don't necessarily think you're not passionate enough. Hardly anyone who draws lacks passion. They may lack technique, but passion... That's something any artist needs in my opinion. Even just a spark.

But being able to use that passion, to convey it, now that's the challenge. That's Hard.

Sometimes it's next to impossible.

The thing is, ADHD and Autism make you feel things Deeply and Chaotically. This makes you struggle to process those feelings.

Being a young adult with Expectations and Responsibilities on top of sucky brain growth chemistry just makes that struggle worse.

You may not be able to channel your passion into your art currently, but that doesn't mean you don't have it.

Think of your passion like a tube that's got a blockage in it. The pressure inside is immense but you've got nothing on hand to remove the blockage. It'll take time to develop the tools, to find them, to help. Or. It might have to remove itself.

This doesn't make you lacking in passion. It just makes you temporarily injured in the passion department. We don't blame someone for a sprained ankle resting. Don't blame yourself for taking time off because of this.

Imposter syndrome is... Hard. So, so hard.

I don't have an answer for you about how to handle it. I do a pretty poor job of it myself. I fake confidence, am awful at accepting praise, and constantly feel inadequate. I just hide it really well.

But that's emotion. That's fear and doubt and anxiety. That's societal expectations stoking the emotional disturbance of imposter syndrome.

Logic tells me different.

But logic is hard to believe. Especially when the emotions are very Loud and Distracting.

Sometimes you have to call those doubts and fears for what they are: Brain Weasels.

Sometimes you have to think of it all like it's smoke.

Sometimes you have to sit down and meditate, crossing a mental bridge between reason and emotion to deliver a message to both sides.

We are individuals who pick out pebbles from the river and admire them. Sometimes we keep them. Sometimes we put them back. Most times, we move on. Those pebbles are difficulties, challenges, doubts.

ADHD tends to try and keep the pebbles. Imposter syndrome uses them as building blocks.

Sometimes you have to dig out the foundations and toss those pebbles back before you can start to work on fixing up the rest.

This has become very rambly now, I'm sorry. Its 3:24am and I need to sleep. I do hope this helps in some way, though. If not for you, then for others.

[adventuresindolls]

Meet Lexie Chapter 3: What Flying Feels Like

(Aside: I know in the story Sophie gets chocolate ice cream and this is clearly a popsicle, but it's the closest I had)

Sophie's friend did come over the next day after Sunday school, but Lexie hardly saw them. She hardly noticed anything that day. Over breakfast, Papa had announced that as a treat to make up for moving, and to forget new school anxiety, they would be going to the County Fair every day this week. Lexie hadn't heard anything said to her since then.

Fairs were thrilling. They meant rare treats and delicious smells and rows of bright booths to hop between. Sophie and Lexie had an ongoing system where they would run around as buddies between the game booths and the ones selling pretty necklaces and giving away paper fans. But when Lexie started to get overwhelmed, they would go together to the 4-H building to look at pretty dresses and pictures of flowers. It was air conditioned in there and much quieter than the rest of the fair. Sometimes Lexie would find a cool corner to sit and read the book she always carried while Sophie found a play area or other kids to talk to.

But best of all were the rides.

They usually went for one day a year. But this year was special—5 whole days of excitement! It was hard for Lexie to think about anything else all day. She read the same page 6 times, lost a Mario game badly to Sophie, and finally went for a long walk around the new neighborhood. She saw a bunch of kids outside playing in sprinklers or shooting Nerf guns at each other, all younger than her. She only got 3 blocks away before deciding it was too hot and turning around. The rest of the day was spent curled up on the couch watching her favorite magic girl anime, which the conversation at shul the day before had reminded her she liked.

She woke up way too early on Monday. By the time Papa called her for breakfast, she had finished her favorite book again and rearranged her stuffed animals. After her usual bowl of dry cereal, she put on her favorite space-themed dress and her comfiest velcro shoes and was pulling on the car door handle before Daddy even had the picnic basket closed.

Lexie had never been to these particular fairgrounds before, but they were as bright and full as she expected. The day wasn't hot yet, which was perfect for running around. They each got $5 for a snack so they didn't have to regroup until lunch.

"What about buying fair stuff?" Lexie asked.

"You can have souvenir money on Friday," Papa told her. "Otherwise you'll buy one thing today and find something better tomorrow."

They ran through the rows of stalls, stuffing Sophie's overall pockets and Lexie's narwhal purse with free pencils in every color of the rainbow and candy they definitely weren't supposed to eat yet. Lexie only had a couple chocolate kisses, but before they reached the end of the lane Sophie had eaten six.

They spent the morning looking at every single booth and spinning prize wheels until they got bored. Having pushed the absolute limit of their patience, they made it as far as 11 o'clock before heading for the games.

Lexie went straight for the ducky fishing game. They had a giant octopus as the big prize. The smiling man handed her a fishing pole and told her to go for it.

She did not immediately go for it. She thought the duck she was aiming for—the little gold one—was about three and half feet away. How hard would she have to swing to hit it without overreaching?

"Hey, are you gonna go?" The man looked a little less smiley now.

Lexie blamed him startling her for why the first time the line went flying past the entire tank. It was much closer the second time, but still plopped into the water an inch away from its goal.

"That's alright!" The man encouraged her. "Try one more time!"

"No, thanks," Lexie politely told him and dashed away before he could try to convince her. She had just remembered that she wanted to save her remaining 8 tickets for rides.

The next thing she remembered was that she hadn't heard Sophie's chatter in a long time. She would be in so much trouble if dads found her alone.

Even worse, something might happen to Sophie, who was "not the most responsible or cautious" kid.

The crowds around her seemed to double suddenly. They were mostly adults or teenagers much taller than her and she couldn't see more than three feet in any direction.

"Sophie?" She meant to call out, but it came out as barely a whisper. That happened sometimes.

Lexie ran up and down the aisles of games and all around the rides next to them. Surely her sister wouldn't be bored enough among the flashing lights and interactive booths to wander back to the ones she had no money for. She tried and failed twice more to call for Sophie, but she doubted even at her loudest she could be heard over the thousand conversations that buzzed around her.

She was about to give up and go find her fathers—who were probably listening to one of the free concerts—and enlist their help whatever the consequences (she was pretty sure by now that Sophie was being murdered or had fallen down a magically appearing manhole) when she spotted her long dark hair by a food booth in a far corner.

"Where have you been?" Lexie wanted to be angry, but instead she felt like crying.

"Right here," Sophie's voice was muffled by a bite of chocolate ice cream, "Where have YOU been?"

"You ran off! You can't do that! We have to stay together."

"I didn't run off. I stopped 'cause I wanted to play something different."

"You have to tell me that!" Lexie really wasn't about to admit that she was mostly embarrassed she hadn't made sure Sophie, who had ADHD and was known to get distracted, was with her.

"Don't yell at me!" Sophie was getting mad.

"Alright, I'm sorry," Lexie finally relented. She gave Sophie a quick hug, which was so rare for her—too much touch made her brain go staticky—that Sophie stopped arguing. "Let's go ride the rides. What's wrong?"

"I don't have any tickets left." Sophie's eyes were wide with surprise and disappointment. "I played a bunch of games, and I didn't even win anything. Can I have one of your tickets?"

Lexie looked down at her sister's tear-filled eyes and felt a sudden sense of protectiveness. She planned so Sophie didn't have to. "You can have two. But only if you tell me where you're going."

"Ok!" Sophie's face instantly brightened.

The rides were all bright colors and flashing lights and quick movements. Lexie didn't even know where to focus and let Sophie lead the way, finishing her ice cream and chattering away about how cool every ride was.

And then she saw the swings.

It had always been her dream to ride that one. It was always more pastel than neon and it looked like fun. Just like spinning on the playground swings but MORE. She had wanted to last year but got too scared at the last minute, even though Papa promised to go with her.

"Sit here and hold my purse. I'll be back." She barely glanced to make sure Sophie obeyed before skipping to wait in line. It seemed very soon that a teenager with a green mohawk took her ticket and motioned her up the metal step. Up close, the ride seemed much bigger, but no one else was hesitating to strap themselves in. Swallowing, she grabbed the chains on the closest chair and pulled herself up into it.

She was still pretty sure it was a good idea, right up until a different teenager came by and pulled the metal bar down on her lap. All of a sudden, she kind of wanted to go back to fishing for ducks. She glanced through the crowd to find Sophie, who was still on the bench and completely ignoring her, her favorite otter in one hand and the other covered in melted ice cream.

Lexie gasped and grabbed the chains with both hands at the first jerk of movement. Several people around her giggled, and she heard at least one "Oh!" of surprise. Very slowly, the ride began to spin and rise into the air. She was torn between stomach-dropping anxiety at being so high and absolute delight at all she could see. The rows of booths looked like brightly colored handkerchief squares. The people swarmed like ants—at least, she thought, there were no crowds up here. She soon lost track of Sophie. And then she could see beyond the fair, to the tiny houses of the city itself. The taller buildings downtown looked like shiny metal twigs. She forgot to be worried.

They were spinning faster. And faster. It wasn't scary up here, really, it was wonderful. It was like everything she'd always wanted to feel when she spun herself until she fell down or kicked her legs to swing as high as possible. It was impossible to describe. Like everything that was always too loud and too bright just stopped. Like there was no such thing as feeling trapped and panicked in a crowd. Like nothing existed but her and the seat and spinning. Like she could stay up here forever. She kicked her legs, making her chair wiggle.

It couldn't actually last forever, of course, and almost before she knew it they were slowing. Her stomach dropped again, this time with disappointment, and her legs nearly collapsed beneath her when she first stumbled out of the chair and through the metal gate.

She found Sophie on the same bench where she'd left her, the remainder of her ice cream staining her hands, face, and overalls, but miraculously not Elliot the Otter. Lexie briefly considered telling her to go wash up, then decided it wasn't worth it.

"Hi! I'm gonna go ride the rollercoaster!"

"Ok."

Sophie hopped up and stuffed Elliot back into her pocket. "What are you gonna ride next?"

"The swings."

"Again?" Sophie looked at her like riding the same ride twice was the weirdest thing she'd heard that day.

But Lexie couldn't help grinning at the thought of freedom and flight. "Yeah."

[jakey-beefed-it]

Today was... almost completely unproductive, even for me, due to various mental Crises that arose in the like... Venn diagram overlap of my sundry issues. Mental health talk below the cut so you can avoid it if you’ve got your own shit to deal with/might be triggered by that kind of thing.

Kinda did almost a checklist of disorders being problems. ADHD brain? Represented. Autism? Probably! Depression? You betcha. Anxiety? Hoo boy and then some. Mania? Maybe! Self-loathing? Energy levels off the charts, cap’n. Basically my brain was the equivalent of blaring alarms from all quarters and spinning out of control.

Anyhow I eventually managed to... not be doing that ...and in the process kinda realized that maaaaybe I haven’t been Handling My Shit as well as I thought. Like I’m medicated... for depression. Which is good! I haven’t thought seriously about literally killing myself for several years now. That’s a big improvement! Not to be sneezed at. But it’s hardly a panacea for the rest of my bullshit.

Anyhow anyhow I’ve internalized a loooot of really horrible shit I’m always speaking out against as an anti-capitalist pro-mutual-aid aspiring feminist; basing my self-worth on lots of unattainable things that I don’t even believe in but that somehow equate to me being a Failure as a Man(TM) for being a hot mess disability soup. Some of it is also no doubt related to the whole ‘Gifted’ Kid Burnout phenomenon as well. I was ‘a pleasure to have in class’ and always sought approval and validation because I had anxiety, not because I was gifted, sheesh. Whole childhood equating my value with being ‘smart’ and then having my entire ego collapse under the inevitable weight of not being able to hack it in my first attempt at college because my brain was actively trying to kill me with self-hatred that only got worse the more I failed to live up to my ‘potential’.

I’m much less of an elitist shitbag these days regarding myself as no different from any other h. sapiens sapiens in that we are all fundamentally dumb, panicky apes who sometimes need a minute to remember the whole tool-use or reason things. But while I’m really good at not holding it against other people for being dumb panicky apes, even though I don’t regard myself as better than anyone (far from it) I still somehow hold myself to these standards I long since dismissed as unreasonable to expect of anyone, much less a guy with a grab-bag of mental illnesses that makes his spongy thinkmeat even less effective than biology normally dictates. And inevitably fail to live up to them, of course. And then feel worse about myself. Forever. Well, ok, not forever, even if I do continue to manage the no-self-murder streak (which seems likely) I’m still definitely going to kick off at some point. But for my whole damn existence, which sucks plenty.

Anyhow anyhow anyhow here goes the first of hopefully many simple admissions of imperfections and forgiveness of that.

I am not a digital artist. I could spend lots of time and effort to develop those skills, but frankly I don’t... wanna. Instead of feeling guilty at having abandoned pursuit of the lovely art tablet my family got me many years ago that they ‘wasted’ their gift, I can just admit that I’d much rather continue drawing in pencil, inking in pigment liners, and scanning into a digital format for sharing on the internet. I like tactile hobbies; it’s why I get so much out of painting miniatures. And digital art is still tactile in that you’re holding a stylus and/or tablet, but it’s not the same, and I prefer physical art on physical paper. And that’s okay.

I am not a fantastic dungeon master. I’m aight. I am, in the words of the best mug ever (a gift from my sister), the “World’s Okayest Dungeon Master.” I can put together a campaign, it will mostly hang together, my combat encounters will vary from ‘pretty good’ to ‘super boring’ but my plots are generally interesting and my players keep coming back so I must be doing something right.

This one’s kind of cheating because I’ve acknowledged it before both publicly and internally for like... fifteen years ...but I am not, and never will be, a world-class miniature painter. I don’t have the manual dexterity, the patience for producing and executing many many layers of very fine glazes, or a strong enough desire to devote more effort to improvement than befits a hobby I mostly do to relax. And that’s okay. I paint pretty good, and I slowly get better. Sometimes I’m the best painter in my local store! And that’s good the hell enough to satisfy my external competitiveness, while my internal competitiveness of striving to do better than I myself have done before gets all the real attention. I do want to improve! And so I do, but at a steady pace that doesn’t stress me out.

I’m not a diligent writer at all. I like writing, and I love coming up with plots and characters, but I’m terrible at sticking to a daily writing habit. I’d like to get better at that, and I can, with effort. Honestly giving myself permission to write more fannish bullshit (Warhammer stories, SW:tOR stories, D&D stories) might help clear some of the roadblock. I don’t shit on other fan writers; I long ago admitted that it’s valid and cool when other people do it, but to this day I have still only written a handful of Warhammer bullshit and one (1) Mass Effect fanfic. All the while my idea for a novel has grown and evolved and never really gotten past a very rough first draft that is now almost completely useless due to rethinking everything because I’m not in the habit of actually writing. I can do something about that!

I desperately want everyone to like me and think well of me and never be mad at me but you know what, that’s not... remotely achievable much less healthy. I have various tendencies toward ‘people pleasing’ that tend to end up with my own boundaries trodden upon and far more people taking advantage than real friends. I am very fortunate in that I DO have some real friends, many of them online, but yeah. It’s okay if not everyone likes me. Even if they somehow did, it wouldn’t make up for the all-consuming singularity-like wound of self-loathing that the people-pleasing urge is probably trying to fill.

I can be unreliable due to my many, many issues. Most of them are mental, but some of them are physical. I can’t always do things that should be ‘easy’, whether it’s my brain saying no, or my body. Instead of making too many promises for fear of ‘looking’ disabled and/or trying to make everyone happy... sometimes I need to admit that there are things I do not have the capacity for. Preferably ahead of time, rather than bailing at the last minute or just.... not showing up. This probably would’ve been good to know about myself before I nearly failed out of college in my first attempt but hey, hindsight and all that.

I might be about as cis and straight as a guy can get, but I am not and will never be anything remotely like an Idealized Man due to my weight, disabilities, general body type (even at my thinnest I had a belly pooch and flabby chest), shit, right down to my hair but that’s got some big overlap with the Idealized Man being a straight-haired white boy when I’m merely a wavy/curly-haired white-passing boy. And shit, if I had some gender fuckery that’d be a whole other animal, but even though I kinda got assigned male and went ‘Yeah that’s about right’ I still deserve to not have to live up to some unattainable ideal.

There’s... a lot more, obviously (hoo boy is there a lot more) but that’ll do for a start.

[somedayonbroadway]

snyder finding out race has adhd,,,,

I am assuming this is for the “Papa Snyder” fic so of course!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Please enjoy!

TW: Abuse

ADHD.

Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder. That’s what had Snyder pissed off this time. Something that had been no one’s fault. Something that Jack’s little boy couldn’t control.

Jack remembered vividly when he’d been younger and been put on medication to help him focus. He hated the stuff. Everything slowed down right along with his mind and he didn’t like it. It was like he wasn’t allowed to be himself because of a chemical difference in his brain. Teachers were always irritated with him, no one understood him and his stepfather absolutely loathed him.

To say Jack was worried was an understatement. He was downright terrified. Tyler James already toed the line with The Spider and the old man now knew that more of Jack had been passed down to that child than they’d originally thought. Maybe the kid had gotten his looks from his mother, but that didn’t mean that Jack’s personality and qualities wouldn’t shine through. That was what scared him above all else. If Snyder had hated Jack enough to nearly kill him on more than one occasion, he didn’t want to find out what would happen if the child grew to be more and more like him.

The young man was only watching, a lump forming in his throat as he knew he wasn’t supposed to speak. His son looked so sad. He knew how the boy felt. He’d spent the first few years with Snyder seeking approval and love and respect. There was no doubt in his mind that his little boy wanted the same thing. It hurt to think about.

Snyder was pacing between them, looking as frustrated as ever. They’d only just gotten back from the pediatrician.

The six year old’s legs swung without his knowledge, his inability to sit still driving Snyder even further into his state of anger and resentment. As much as Jack knew he shouldn’t speak up, he did, not willing to watch this any longer. “Do you need somethin’, sir?” Every word was spoken slowly with a hint of sarcasm behind it. It was rare Jack didn’t speak to his former stepfather like that. They both knew that Jack wouldn’t be here unless he had to be.

Snyder always made sure he had to be.

Turning to glare at him, Snyder paused in his pace. Jack half expected him to throw a punch right then and there. But Snyder shook his head. “Don’t get smug with me, Kelly,” he warned, though Jack didn’t know what else the man could do at this point. The man had taken his son as his own and had taken Jack himself as a servant who he could soak and degrade whenever his black heart desired.

It was clear to Jack that Snyder was holding himself back. Why, Jack didn’t know, but he was grateful. He knew they’d made a deal. They reminded each other of it constantly. In exchange for Race’s education, medical care and health, Jack would work for him on the condition that the old man never laid a harmful hand on him.

If Will so much as pinched that little boy, Jack would have means to leave. And Snyder knew he would do it.

Jack may never understand why his stepfather had done this. It had been easy to trick him when he was a sixteen year old baby daddy with no money and no job, but now Jack knew better. If he could go back and change it all, he would. But he couldn’t do that. Snyder had the control. It’s all Snyder ever wanted.

So Jack waited patiently for The Spider to get a grip and communicate his thoughts. It must’ve been hard for him, with his pride, close mindedness and overall stubbornness. Eventually, though, the man sighed. “You can go out and get the prescribed medication in the morning, Kelly. If it doesn’t work, you will be responsible for finding something that does.”

Though the words were spoken with a cold undertone, Jack couldn’t help but be relieved at them. When he’d stopped taking his own medication, the old man had taken to smacking him around to try and fix him. That was not an option here. And while Snyder was clearly disappointed at that, Jack could only smile and nod. “Yessir.”

A sniffle from behind Will made them both pause. Jack's smile disappeared in a second. Snyder sighed and ran a hand over his face as if he was tired of taking care of the little boy day in and day out when Jack knew that the man had never done squat to raise that little boy. All he had was money. Money didn’t raise children. “Tyler James, boys don’t cry,” The Spider scolded slowly, crossing his arms over his chest and waiting for the child to stop the tears.

Jack had to clench his jaw to keep from stepping out of line. He ground his teeth together hard.

The little boy scrubbed at his face with his sleeves and looked up at the man with red cheeks. “I’m sorry, Papà,” he whimpered, only making himself cry more. “I-I can do betta’—“

“Better, Tyler. Better,” Snyder corrected immediately.

“I’m sorry…” the boy said, his gaze trailing down to his lap. A sort of hopelessness settled on the poor baby boy’s shoulders as he seemed to realize there wasn’t much he could do to make Snyder happy. The man he believed to be his father.

Taking a chance, Jack glanced sideways at Will before taking a few steps closer to his son. He saw Snyder reach to pull him away, but Jack shrugged him off, placing a calming hand on his boy’s knee. “Hey, angel,” he called lightly, reaching with his free hand to cup the boy’s face when the child tried to look away. “Kiddo, what’s wrong?”

With a small sob, the six year old looked up at him with a quivering lip, looking so scared all of the sudden. “What’s wrong with me?” he asked.

Snyder groaned, as though he’d heard the question a thousand times before. It occurred to Jack that Tyler might have asked it once on their way home and Snyder had more than likely not given him a helpful or constructive answer. “Tyler, we’ve gone over this. You have a disorder—“

“There is nothing wrong with you, Tyler James,” Jack countered as soon as the words began leaving the old man’s lips. He turned to glare at the man who only scowled at him before Jack turned back to his kid, moving his hand to run it through the boy’s hair. “You are a perfect little boy and you didn’t do nothin’ wrong.” The child leaned into his touch, seeming to crave it, like he never got enough.

“B-but the doctor said—“ the child began, only to be cut off by Jack shushing him.

“Racer-kid, do you know what a diagnosis is?” Jack asked.

The boy nodded after a moment of thought. “Y-yeah. But I ain’t—“ the boy cut himself off and glanced up at Will who was watching him carefully, giving him a silent warning. “I-I’m not sick…” he corrected, looking up at Jack again who offered him a small smile.

“No, bud, you’re not,” Jack agreed. He pointed to his baby’s forehead. “Your brain just works a little differently than everyone else’s. That’s all.”

“Oh for God’s sake…” Snyder sighed behind them. “I’m going to get a drink,” he announced before walking out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

Jack flinched but shook it off, moving to sit beside his son as Race crawled into his lap. He pet the boy’s hair and pressed a kiss to his head, knowing he’d be getting hell for this later, especially after Snyder got a few drinks in him. He didn’t care. The way Tyler melted into him made it all worth it. “Jackie… what’s ADHD stand for?”

A smile melted onto Jack’s face before he looked around for a pad of paper and a pencil. He set the thing down on Tyler’s lap as he wrote four words down, speaking them aloud as he did. “Attention Deficit/ Hyperactivity Disorder,” he said, letting Race’s blue eyes study each word individually. “It means a lot of different things, baby… it’s different for everybody,” he explained gently.

Tyler James snuggled into him, taking the pencil and paper from his hands and letting out a small breath, “Can you teach me ‘bout it?”

It was impossible how much this boy constantly made Jack want to cry. With terror. With longing. With sadness. With grief.

With joy. With pride. With belonging. With purpose.

“Of course I can teach you, my little angel…”

His baby did his best to hang on his every word, looking up at him with such trust and adoration that Jack could hardly handle it.

Sometimes he could hardly believe this boy was his own.

He only wished he could spill his deepest secret.

Only twelve years to go.

[roguish-gallery]

Did you ever make that joker tier list, I always like seeing what people think of all the different ones. Though if they put Romero last I can no longer respect them.

LMAO I DID! I think I’ve made it kind of obvious in this blog but I... don’t... particularly... care... for... the joker.... unless he’s, y’know, fun to watch. Cause he’s a clown, and clowns are supposed to be entertaining. But since you politely brought it up, and and because I have a deep respect for mutual Romero-lovers, I guess this would be a good time to explain my rankings and just discuss my general thoughts on each clown:

General Thoughts:

For the most part, I don’t really care for the Joker. This is hardly an uncommon opinion here on tumblr, but I definitely fall on the side of the fandom that feels that he gets too much attention from DC. I get WHY they use him so often for films and comics, and I don’t have anything against *most* folks who consider them their favorite Batman villain, but at this point he’s used more for shock value and as a crutch instead of anything interesting. Like, instead of giving attention to the other Rogues, writers (at least for the comics) will try and make up some bullshit story that they can shoehorn the Joker into, ‘cause it sells. It’s tiring, and I feel like the character has lost his meaning; I can only read so many stories about the Joker, I don’t fucking know, wearing a suit made from dead babies and Jason Todd’s flayed corpse before I get sick of it.

I’m at the point where I’ll like any Joker who’s just fun to watch. I genuinely respect those who prefer darker interpretations of the character, but that isn’t me; I vastly prefer the lighthearted takes on him, because... at this point... writers who use the “cleaner” version of him tend to be more creative, since they actually have to write a Joker story that doesn’t rely on gore/torture porn.

TIER ONE:

Joker Baby: Self explanatory. Joker Baby is thematic, thoughtful, and intense. Everytime I watch this video, I shiver with fear and pleasure; something primal in me awakens whenever Joker Baby runs his fingers through his spray-on dyed hair, and ends up smearing green paint on his forehead- it represents the inner turmoil, the chaos, that resides within the disturbed body that is Joker Baby. Nothing can ever hope to top the artistic and cultural impact Joker Baby has had on society.

TIER TWO:

Batman Ninja: I genuinely believe that Batman Ninja is one of the most fun, organic, and creative things to come out from the Batman side of DC comics in like... hmmm... a decade, maybe (I could talk for hours about how much I love this movie but that’s something for a future post). This Joker is easily, and unironically my favorite interpretation of the character, period. I love his energy, his design, everything. This is the most fun I’ve ever had watching a Joker on-screen, and for that I’ve gotta give the film credit where it is due.

Batman ‘66: I looooove Caesar Romero. Batman ‘66 in general is one of my favorite pieces of Batman media, and I absolutely adore this Joker. The show is pure, genuine fun, and it’s nice to turn my brain off and watch a show where the entire cast was allowed to goof around. This Joker is just a cute, goofy little clown-man who likes to commit crimes, go surfing, turn Gotham’s water reserve into gelatin, and have wild orgies with Penguin, Catwoman, and the Riddler. I massively appreciate the hustle. I love his little mustache and his facial expressions. I’d give him a chaste little kiss on the cheek if I could.

The Batman: EXTREMELY CONTROVERSIAL TAKE BUT. I think TB!Joker is better than what people will give him credit for. I can only imagine how stressful it must have been to be the first Batman cartoon to follow BTAS and the writers for this show knew they were gonna be fucked no matter what they did with the Joker, so they just decided to try something completely different with him. Personally, I appreciate the new direction- he has a fun, unhinged energy. I’ve placed him higher than BTAS/BTNA!Joker simply because The Batman was the show that got me into the Rogues in the first place, and I’m just a bit closer to this Joker because of it. Also his vampire form was cool as FUCK in Batman Vs. Dracula and the scene where he gets drenched in blood at a blood bank is fucking awesome.

Batman the Animated Series/The New Adventures: Everyone loves BTAS’s Joker, and I’m no exception. Mark Hamill is fucking great, and the writers clearly knew the character well enough to create a version of him that can be fun and threatening. As an aside, I unironically like his redesign in BTNA- I remember Hamill mentioning somewhere that he thought it was neat that this Joker looked more like a shark (I’ll see if I can find a source on that... I think he said it in an interview with Kevin Smith?) and I kinda agree with him. the redesigns in the final season are hit or miss, but I didn’t get why so many people bitched about the Joker’s new look.

Batman Unlimited: Hear me out... Hear me out... Clown... funny... and cute... He wears a little crown and gives Solomon Grundy a little smooch on the cheek and it is as delightful as it sounds. Yes the Batman Unlimited films literally only exist to sell toys but that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy them on some ironic level.

TIER THREE:

Lego Batman: He’s a gay icon. He has the range. Enough said.

White Knight: This is just a genuinely good, original take on the character, and the art in White Knight is absolutely gorgeous. 

Arkham: My friends and I joke that this Joker is basically a more unhinged version of BTAS! Joker and... yeah. I’m glad Hamill and Paul Dini got to fuck around with the character more, but I never really dwelled on the Joker parts of the games like I might have for other characters. I definitely liked him the most in Arkham Asylum, as he was more fun to watch. Arkham City was fiiiiine, but I think I replayed the game so much that I kinda got fatigued with everything about it. Genuinely hated his part in Origins, and I was pissed that he stole the attention from Black Mask and Bane (who’s the best fucking part of Origins IMO). I’ll admit that I... Haven’t... played... Knight yet (I have it on PC but my laptop is too wimpy to run it) but like... He’s dead at that point, so I’d assume he isn’t the main point of that game anyway. I love Mark Hamill and the fact I can personally beat the shit out of this Joker, so he’s ranked up pretty high for those reasons.

TIER FOUR:

Batman ‘89: TBH this Joker should be a rank higher, but I’m too lazy to hop onto PicsArt to change it. NIcholson was an excellent choice, and I apprecaite how this Joker makes use of the playful and unhinged aspects of the character. Also, his outfits are cute, and I love the museum scene.

Brave and the Bold: Technically this Joker SHOULD be ranked higher since he’s literally based on the more lighthearted comics in the 60′s but... ehhh... I haven’t really watched BATB so I don’t have any strong opinions on the show and how it handles the character. he’s ranked this high through beause I appreciate what they were going for.

Golden Age: The quality of comics are always subjective, based on the creative team behind them. Some I’ll like more, others less so, It’s kind of hard to rank the pre-52 comic version of the Joker because of this.

TIER FIVE:

Killing Joke: Read it, didn’t care for it. I acknowledge how massive the impact this comic had on... everything, but just because I recognize how important this graphic novel is, doesn’t mean I have to like it.

The Dark Knight: Ledger did an excellent job with the role, but uhh... I’m kind of sick of the alt-right chuds who are out there sucking this Joker’s dick. The fanbase definitely ruined the character for me.

TIER SIX:

99′: Eh

Endgame: No

Suicide Squad: NO

Death of the Family: Hate him. Despise him. Lame stupid dumb little edgy bitch.

Gotham (Jeremiah): I don’t particulary care for Gotham in general, but the only reason I ranked this Joker over Jerome is beause I thought it was kinda funny to see that they made him a little rat-man, and I liked watching all the fujoshi on here cry and complain that they can’t ship this version of the joker with the pre-pubescent Bruce Wayne in the show bc he’s too ugly.

Gotham (Jerome): stop shippping this freak (who is fucking eighteen years old) with a literal twelve year old child. what the FUCK is wrong with yall.

UNRANKED:

The Joker (2019): I don’t plan on watching this film, nor will I ever. I know this is ironic, coming from someone who runs a Rogue blog, but stuff that focuses primarily on a character’s deteriorating mental health makes me reaaaaallllllyyyyy anxious (it’s kind of a phobia) and considering that I don’t particularly the Joker, I have no reason to watch something I know will only give my dumb ADHD-ass intrusive throughts.