#much less things like the date or apparently the dates of impending travels

[californiaquail]

having to shamefully email my therapist to reschedule the appointment i confidently made for this tuesday thinking my trip wasn't for another week and a half......he did not quite believe me about having memory issues so perhaps this will help convince him i guess

[chaoticbardlady99]

Maryë (Astarion x GN! AFAB Reader) MDNI 18 +

Synopsis: Astarion left to explore the world and himself following the death of the Netherbrain. You remain in Baldur’s Gate with your brother, Gale, resigning yourself to your fate as Astarion’s friend until you die. Until one day, you and Astarion begin to write letters back and forth. Except there is one letter in particular that you suspect isn’t from Astarion…

CW: minimal mentions of violence, smut, Oral (Female Receiving), PIV, Tav’s also just an oblivious idiot who apparently doesn’t think very hard about words (it’s me, I’m Tav the idiot and this is like my Fiancé and I’s friendship prior to ya know, dating lmfao)

Author note- I might also write this in AMAB! Format, but I need to do some… research first for accuracy. This is lightly edited and just some silly little thought I had. I wanted to write something not so detailed for once while I work on my drafts for Lethal Woman and She’s Not Acid Nor Alkaline. Also def stole a line from Tolkien and added to it at the end (this is me crediting).

You’ll either love this or hate this idk.

The title literally translates to Home in Elvish.

Photo belongs to idk who so please reach out if it’s yours!

As always- likes, comments, and reblogs are always appreciated, I am just terrible at responding.

Tav,

As much as I enjoy our current form of communication- I was wondering if I could come to see you in person.

I have so much I need to say to you and I want to be able to do it in person- the proper way.

I hope to hear from you soon.

Yours,

Astarion

You sit and stare at the letter like you have been doing for the last week since you received it. Unlike your half-brother, Gale, you are not one for words. It was hard to respond to Astarion’s letters initially until Gale “doctored” your responses- often putting whatever silly accomplishment you have achieved lately or stories Gale found interesting from your recent solo adventures.

“Are you going to write the letter or are you hoping it’s going to write itself?” Gale teases.

You scowl at him and shake your head.

“I don’t know what to write back.”

“I could come up with a couple things!” Gale clears his throat, “‘ Oh Astarion- I’ve missed you terribly this whole time! I regret telling you that we should be friends until you figure things out! Despite my VERY WISE BROTHER’S ADVICE TO NOT DO THAT! I wait like a lovesick puppy at the mailbox every week hoping a letter may arrive!’”

You roll your eyes at him and throw one of his many decorative couch pillows at his head. He certainly has your mother’s flair for the dramatic. However, you can’t necessarily say he’s wrong- you have been nothing less than a smitten school girl waiting for letters non-stop.

Astarion had gone back to the Underdark after the last battle with the Netherbrain. He told you that he wanted to go and explore who he is- the world too.

You had been as enthusiastic as you could about the decision considering you had come up to him at the party with a letter in your hands asking if he would like to continue traveling with you after this- you had been too scared to say it outloud. A part of you hoped it may allow your romance to blossom without the impending threat of death at every corner. Well, if he still harbored any feelings for you at all.

You had merely smiled and told him how excited you are for him. It answered the silent question that had been there- was there still room in Astarion’s heart for you after you said you should just be friends and try again later?

The answer was ‘no’, despite Gale’s perplexed face and lecture when he found out you gave the spawn a send off with a ‘long’ hug (he made you describe it in detail). You refuse to give yourself any hope- you will remain a dutiful friend since you resigned yourself to this fate.

Then you received a Sending spell with him requesting your address and the letters began. You squealed like a schoolgirl when the first one came in and ripped it open enthusiastically. You didn’t realize Gale was home, otherwise you wouldn’t have read it out in the open- Tara snitched on you!

You had only truly met Gale around a couple months prior to your mutual abduction. Your mother had asked you to assist a brother you never knew about in finding magical artifacts- you quickly learned it was because the man was becoming a damn recluse.

You had worried he’d slam the door in your face or turn you into a sheep for all of eternity- the minute you told him your name was Tav Dekarios, he pulled you in for a hug and told you he had been awaiting your arrival. Gale was thrilled to know that, like him, you were also a prodigy in your craft.

You are a virtuoso master with any instrument you touch and you cast spells that are almost far too good to be true. You became Oghma’s Chosen in your teen years after spending many years practicing under his mentorship (which is why you and Gale had a very weird, serious talk one night about how Mystra is kind of a fucking pedophile) and that allowed you to do incredible things.

Your notes could create shimmery images and tell stories- Arabella and the other tiefling children (even the very tough Mol) enjoy coming over and watching war tales be told with nothing but a drum and a rain stick. Sometimes you let them tell tales and you come up with a tune to match it- eventually finding a rhythm to put your mind into and create the picture.

It was one of the many things Astarion mentioned in his note- he stated that none of the other Bards even begin to hold a candle to your talent. You blushed deeply when you read the line.

He told you about everything he had seen, everyone he had met, what he’s found out about himself, and shockingly enough- how much he misses you. It had taken you by total surprise, but you responded saying you missed him too.

Pet names began to flow easily into inked lines and it felt like you had a tiny part of him back in your life- your friendship is still as strong as it was before he left.

The letters have quickly become the best part of your week and occasionally you’ll read them with Arabella. She ooos and awwws, then attempts to bully you into tell Astarion your feelings. You cast a mini rain shower over her head with a few poetic words for the suggestion. You don’t want to ruin what you have and there is always the possibility that he found someone else.

However, you weren’t unsure of this particular note because you didn’t want to see Astarion- you would love that. The issue is that it doesn’t look like his handwriting, it isn’t the paper he uses (he’s ridiculously particular), and it doesn’t flow. Gale thinks you are over analyzing it, but you are pretty sure that this isn’t Astarion’s writing. He also addresses you as “Darling” not Tav and signs the letter of with “‘Órenya ná órelya” (my heart is your heart) not “Yours”.

You’ve waited for another note to come in since, but nothing has. You are beginning to wonder if Gale is right and you really are just being paranoid.

“I already told you, Gale,” you say with annoyance, “something isn’t right about this note. I don’t think this is from him which is worrisome because that means I haven’t heard from him in two weeks WHICH could MEAN-“

“For the love of Gods- TAV,” Gale yells, effectively shutting you up, “my young, oblivious little sibling. Just say yes and let him come visit.”

*********************************************************

It had been two days since you sent the sending stone and there was no response. Not that it would have mattered anyway considering you are somewhere in the Underdark in a very beautifully lit cave. Neon, blue veins of magic run through the rock. The pathway is lit with glowing flowers and…. Benches?

It had all happened so fast. One moment you were walking home from the market and the next- Astarion had come up to you from an alleyway and said he needed help. He had told you that he would love to catch up, but there is an injured child around the corner and since he can only stay in the shadows, he needs you to help them. Before you knew it- someone hit you with a sleep spell and the last thing you remember seeing is stars as your head slammed into the pavement. Oh and a, “oooooffff my bad” before you blacked out.

You blink your eyes a few more times, trying to figure out what in the wretched hells is going on.

“Oh for the love of- I told you to talk to Oghma’s Chosen! Not kidnap her and give her a serious concussion!”

A hazy, short figure comes into your vision. Is that…. a Deep Gnome?

“You told us it was imperative for the wedding! We intercepted the real letter and wrote this one,” another Gnome says, “and it worked! They showed up and everything! We’ve been watching since you told us to talk to her two weeks ago! We were running out of time for talking and bargaining so we just-“

“Kidnapped them!” the man yells, “you kidnapped them!? You- you imbeciles! They are supposed to want to perform for the wedding- you had at least six more hours! AND I GAVE YOU TWO WEEKS!”

“But Walby-“

Walby.

You know Walby! He and Barcus have been dating for a while now and the two are over the moon smitten. You are very happy for Barcus- this man is everything Wulbern could never be.

“No! I have had enough of your silliness! Leave me at once!”

You hear the three Gnomes that supposedly ambushed you walk off in angry huffs. A flash of healing magic fills the air and your head is finally clear- your ears no longer ringing like a triangle.

“My apologies, Ms.Dekarios,” Walby, says, “I wanted them to give you an invitation to come to Barcus’ and I’s wedding this afternoon, but as you heard, they are not the brightest bunch.

“It’s a very last minute ceremony- my mother is ill and she wants to see her ‘baby’ get married before she goes. We wanted to wait another year to plan, but oh you know how it goes!”

Walby looks at you sheepishly as you blink a few more times and let his words sink in. You look at the man and try not to throw up from sitting upright. You must have been out for a while, but not in a “oh that was a wonderful beauty nap” kind of way. You are pretty sure you have a decent amount of blood caked to the side of your head and neck right now.

“Oh, well in that case,” you offer a good natured smile, “I’ll consider this the most unique wedding invitation I’ve ever received and one I may not even have the privilege of remembering.”

The man laughs heartily as you stand up and brush your clothing off. You’re glad you wore a nicer outfit today and decided to bring your violin along- Oghma must have wanted to make sure you were prepared.

“I also wanted to ask a favor,” he says meekly, “if I haven’t fallen out of your good graces before I even stepped foot in them- that is.”

You smile and just roll your eyes.

“Consider it water under the bridge. How can I be of service?”

“Well, you see- we had asked an acquaintance of ours to play music and uh. There’s no easy way to put this, but he was run over by a herd of Deep Rothé.”

“Hmm,” you say with a snort, “tough crowd- Deep Rothés.”

Ultimately, you agreed to perform for the ceremony and the little dinner party afterwards. Your music decorated the air with golds and silvers. Barcus was thrilled to have you there and thanked you immensely for allowing his mother-in-law to “witness true magic” before she leaves this plane.

By the time you were finally leaving- you hear two very familiar voices scream your name and come barreling towards you.

*****************************************

Astarion and Gale are practically sprinting as they try to track your location through the streets of Baldur’s Gate. They had just found a large spot of your blood sticking to the cobblestone and leading to the sewer. Astarion feels sick when he notices the path leads back into the Crimson Palace. Thankfully it was through the sewer and straight to the tunnel of the Underdark.

He had sent you a letter a few days ago and he had confessed his feelings. Instead of waiting for you to respond like a sane person, Astarion got the hell out of the inn he was staying at and began the four day trek to Baldur’s Gate. The nice part about traveling alone and not needing to breath is that Astarion could run from place to place if he was in a hurry or was just fed up with traveling already.

Astarion quickly learned that it was boring to be alone and it’s far more fun to share adventures with you. He also learned that he might be a semi-decent person on his own because, in spite of being without your physical presence, he continues to fucking help people. Astarion is really over this whole moral compass thing (it only extends so far though, he’s still a proud Bastard at heart).

When he arrived at your home about an hour and a half ago, Gale had informed him that you had gone out to the Market and was confused when Astarion said his letter shouldn’t have arrived yet. It took longer than usual to write for… reasons.

Gale showed him the note you received and the two of them pieced together that someone had definitely set up a trap- just not a very good one. Astarion pinched the bridge of his nose when Gale told him that you definitely figured out the letter wasn’t from him, but Gale encouraged you to respond anyway.

A part of him is incredibly worried that some of the remaining Bhaal cultists have taken you since they are the only people he could think of that would be able to mimic his form. His stomach still turns when he thinks about the time they realized Orin had taken you. This is giving him the same queasy feeling.

So imagine his and Gale’s surprise when you are walking away from some random spot seemingly unscathed. Except Astarion won’t believe that until he has inspected you for injuries himself.

You look positively shell-shocked to see him and even more surprised when he’s taking your face gently in his hands and begins to check for injuries.

“Are you alright, Darling?” He says in a far more panicked voice than he means to, “we found blood- I thought the worst and your idiot brother! Of course that letter wasn’t from me! I have class, my Dear! I would never use that paper and WHY IN THE HELLS WOULD YOU FOLLOW ME OF ALL PEOPLE!?”

He knows his ‘rage’ doesn’t sound like rage- it sounds like a man who thought his only love had been on the brink of death only moments ago. Astarion is trying to keep a serious face, but the adoration and love in your eyes when you look at him is making him want to dissolve. He’s thrilled to see that after a whole year of not being together that your feelings haven’t waivered. Neither have his, obviously, but that’s why he’s here.

“I will say, Tav,” Gale says with exasperation, “you even gave Tara a fright- you should be expecting a very long lecture when we get home.”

“Oh I’m sure I will,” you say with a beaming smile, your eyes never leaving Astarion’s, “but I do have quite the story if you would like to hear it?”

Astarion’s grin stretches across his entire face.

“I think a good story, better company, and some wine would make for a fine evening, my Dear.”

“Gross!” Gale says, “but I’ll tag along for some wine.”

Oh dammit.

****************************

If Astarion wasn’t so busy feasting upon you- then he probably would have already hunted down those stupid Gnomes that gave him a fright and found a windmill to fling them from. Gale had left only 15 minutes ago, but Astarion had made quick work in getting you up to his room and having his way with you.

The minute Gale left, the conversation became flirty and teasing- all the want that has been pooling in his body is finally getting the release it needs. You, like always, are a sight to behold.

Your back arches when his tongue drags along your clit and Astarion pushes your hips down into the mattress as your arousal paints his lips. Your moans and desperate cries of pleasure are so delicious and his cock is painfully hard, straining against his leather pants.. He is fighting between taking his time and being selfish- chasing his own pleasure inside of you.

The moment you clench around his fingers is the same moment he unlaces his own pants and begins to remove them. You keen and whine underneath him- Astarion’s name sounds the best coming from you in this state.

Astarion should be a gentleman, hypothetically, and maybe give you a half a second to be a little less dazed from your orgasm. Except Astarion isn’t a gentleman and he isn’t patient- at all.

Astarion lifts your hips up to his until the head of his cock is aligned with your entrance and he thrusts himself inside of you. You immediately wrap your legs around his hips with a yelp of pleasure and your eyes flutter wildly as you take his whole length. Astarion smiles down at you as he slowly rocks in and out of you.

Your fingers find their way to his hair and you pull Astarion’s face down to yours- stunning him with a mind numbing kiss. He snaps his hips at the sensation and the moan you let out causes whatever resolve he had to break. Astarion releases the hold you have on his lips and kisses along your jaw up to your ear.

“Did you like that, my Love?”

You hum in approval and try to pull his mouth back to yours. He interrupts you by thrusting into you two more times with more power than the first one.

“Asta-,,” you attempt to say his name between thrusts, “Astarion please.”

“You didn’t answer my question, Pet,” he teases, “I don’t even know if I know what you like anymore- maybe you don’t even like thi-“

Your legs tighten around his hips as he goes to pull completely out of you. Astarion quirks his eyebrow at you with a smirk as you look at him with desperation.

“I more than liked it- I loved it,” you whisper with your cheeks burning from your shyness.

Oh and how Astarion loves your shyness. His hands fist the sheets as he starts his agonizingly slow rhythm inside of you again- whimpers falling from deep within your chest.

“See, Darling,” Astarion says as his face falls into the crook of your neck, “that wasn’t so difficult, now was it?”

He doesn’t even give you a chance to respond before Astarion’s hips begin to pick up speed and his mouth covers yours. As much as he loves to hear you moan- he doesn’t care to share that experience with any of the patrons that had been obviously checking you out while you were catching up.

Astarion groans against your lips as he continues to fuck you relentlessly- his fangs nip at your lower lip and lap at the tiny droplets of blood that seep from the punctures.

You are a mess underneath him and you feel incredible in every way possible. Astarion never wanted this to stop in the first place- back when he had told you his feelings and you said it would be best to be friends for the time being.

Perhaps that’s what causes him to slow down and kiss you deeply- making up for the lack of speed with more force. One of his hands trails along your chest and begins to tease your sensitive nipples- your walls clench around him hard when he begins to pinch and roll the right one and your orgasm coats him as he moves to play with the left.

You kiss him sloppily and he’s lazily thrusting into you- his own Little Death following yours within seconds. Astarion collapses on top of you as he begins to soften inside of you. The smell of you and him mixed together is intoxicating and your heartbeat is hammering from the pleasure- your eyes glassy and tired with bliss. He laughs breathily before placing a kiss on your swollen lips.

Astarion lifts you up ever so slightly so that he can pull the blanket down and over you, then he adjusts himself and you so that you are curled up with your ear pressed against his chest. He strokes your hair absentmindedly and you lightly draw shapes on his chest.

“I’m so glad you’re back,” you say sleepily, “I’ve missed you so much.”

I’ve missed you too, Darling,” Astarion says while pressing a kiss to your forehead, “I’m happy to be home.”

“Oh I’m sure Baldur’s Gate is-“

“You are my home,” Astarion interrupts you, “I’ve come to realize that wherever you are is where I want to be.”

You look up at him with tears in your eyes and happiness in your heart.

“But what about exploring your new life and all of that jazz?”

“Darling, I wouldn’t have a life if it weren’t for you,” Astarion states, “you helped me kill Cazador and break the cycle of ongoing abuse. You gave me life so I could live it and I want to live it with you. I’m tired of pretending I’m okay with just being friends and holding back my feelings. I want to share my life with you.

“I know this may all seem very fast, but” Astarion grabs his pants off the ground and he feels his stomach turn as he pulls the box out of his pocket, “I know I love you- that’s probably the only thing I’ve ever been sure of in my entire 239 years of existence. I- I wanted to know if you would… marry me?”

Your lips are on his within seconds and the two of you become entangled in soft kisses until you have to pull back for air. You lean your forehead against his and meet his gaze.

“I love you so much, Astarion. Yes- yes I will marry you,” you say tearfully, “I want to share my life with you too.”

[dirtanddistance]

Valley Vertikiller 30k Race Report

Race: Valley Vertikiller 30/20/10k Distance: 30k Date: 10/07/2023 Location: Sumas Mountain, Abbotsford, British Columbia

I'll let you in on a little secret: I signed up for this race solely due to peer pressure. A bunch of folks from my running club were talking it up and signing up, and I, not wanting to miss out, signed myself up. I told myself I didn’t need to worry about it because it was a long way out, and that training wasn’t going to be a concern as I'd ‘have a good base’ after Squamish50. I brushed off any sense of impending doom as the group chat buzzed with discussion of past years’ DNFs and weather-related disasters, and reassured myself that after a 50 miler, a 30k couldn’t be much of a fuss for me.

Turns out, these assumptions were more or less correct and it was wildly fun to run a shorter but very challenging trail race shortly after a longer and very challenging trail race.

Conditions for race day were pretty much as perfect as possible - no rain, a bit of sunshine on a course with heavy tree cover, but not so dry that things were sandy and slippery. While some might have argued it was a bit warm, the course is so forested that it was hardly noticeable to me. The race swag was also top-tier, with snazzy running hats and stickers. The real treat, however, was the course - one of the most thrilling I’ve encountered in my short time here in BC. Much like Squamish, singletrack MTB paths were the stars of the show, and the routine of uphill grinds and flowy descents was one I found comfortingly familiar, if not any easier for having done a lot of it before. The mental boost of having just done something similar and in much greater volume was incredibly apparent to me, as there was no segment of this event during which I cried or contemplated quitting (progress!).

As the name implies, a lot of upward-going travel is required to complete the Valley Vertikiller. With about one mile of cumulative vert, you’re climbing for a massive chunk of your time on the course. This may seem like a fault rather than a virtue, but for me going in with the expectation that there will always be another climb made the experience much easier to handle mentally (and made it much easier to enjoy the pretty leaves). The first third of the course (roughly 12k to the first aid station) featured plenty of climbing; after a tight starting section, I eventually found myself more or less alone. Naturally, my brain went to its happy place, reciting Replay by Iyaz as I marveled at the crimson and gold leaves around me. The most memorable portion of this chunk was a narrow section with a steep drop-off to the left and views of the surrounding area through the trees. It felt stunning and life-threatening at once; much of that section was not terribly technical, yet I found myself taking it quite slowly out of fear of what might happen to me if I accidentally took a tumble over the side. This is also where the top 20k racers started blowing past me, which I imagine was as irritating to them as it was a little bit terrifying to me. Eventually, the climb resumed and brought me to the first aid station. It was on a bluff with quite a view, making it an enjoyable stop. I met up with a teammate but soon headed back out on the trail for the middle segment.

The middle section of the race is where the black hole of my experience began. I had forgotten to charge my Garmin the night before, and somewhere after about 10 miles, it shut off and left me floating in a liminal space where distance and elevation no longer existed. I was on my own to finish this undertaking. Had I already accepted that the distances in trail races mean next to nothing and that I had no idea what this course really involved? Sure, but having the Garmin ticking away on my wrist at least could ground me, could give me some indication that time had passed and that I had moved since my last glance down at it. In this new, uncharted territory of watchless running, I was truly adrift. Alas, that is a story for another time. I knew I was at least 10 miles in and had done a decent chunk of the climbing for the race by that time. This section included the biggest and baddest climb of the entire climb. It went on forever. It was relentless, unforgiving, and so steep that I thought my already angry Achilles tendon would resign at any moment. I began to lose my naive enjoyment of the pretty leaves and a coherent repetitive song in my head. Finally, the climb ended with no real immediate payoff at all; I had to be satisfied with the mere acceptance that I was no longer clawing my way up what felt like a sheer cliff face and would, in all likelihood, get to run down something at some point to get to the finish line.

I had no idea how long it took me to get to the second aid station, or where it was on the course. The second aid station was a bit more muted in energy and ambiance than the first, but I gladly ate an obnoxious amount of watermelon and filled up on water and Tailwind before trotting off to part three, which I reminded myself was the last section I would have to do before I could be done and never run again.

The first section of part three has been erased from my brain by the sands of time and probably the fact that I had no frame of reference for what was happening in this race, but I do remember reaching a course marshal who told me that I was going to ‘just take Squid Line back down and I’ll see you at the finish’. This statement was only partially correct. I did in fact take Squid Line back down. However, the ‘just’ combined with the fact that I, again, have no concept of distance or the passage of time without something tracking me, made Squid Line feel like a small eternity. But it did more or less lead to the finish line and the section of trail between it and the end was gentle enough that I did not begrudge its description as basically the last thing I would need to do to get out of this forest. The lie was that this lady was not at the finish line.

The benefit of having the name of the trail pointed out to me was that saying the word squid immediately funnels all of my thoughts to SpongeBob. My brain rewarded this with a loop of the jellyfish rave song, which carried me throughout this final ordeal. I did pass several people on this section and the final portion between there and the finish, which mostly made me concerned because you are probably hurting if I managed to catch you in a trail race. The finish line sorta jumps out at you as you get spit out of the woods and under the archway. As if purposely continuing my purgatory, the finish line clock was not running, leaving me in a continued state of mystery. I knew I was not the last of my teammates out there, but I had no clue how far behind the others I was. Alas, my finish time became the least of my concerns after spotting my darling husband sitting in the medic tent with his ankle wrapped up.

While my team placed 5th out of 5, this race was still better than any cross-country meet I’ve run. Post-race we were treated to homemade soup, grilled cheese sandwiches, and pumpkin pie. While that spread is impressive enough on its own, I was thrilled when I discovered that there were vegan options for ALL THREE of these treats. I was a bit disappointed that I had overdosed on Tailwind to the point that I was not in any position to eat pie, but the butternut squash soup was a religious experience.

The real lesson I learned out on the trails that day was that I do need to wear my orthotics. They are not optional for trail running. I do not have them and run in them just for fun because I am a podiatrist, I apparently “actually need these” because my feet “actually kinda misbehave when I’m running and it starts to hurt in additional ways that they don’t need to”. I am the kind of non-compliant patient I shake my head about (but also have proven to myself and hopefully others that good orthotics - not the ones they tried to sell you on a cruise once - are real and not a scam).

There was much debating among my teammates as to whether any of us would do this race again. As tough as the course is and as much as I do not foresee myself ever racing this thing for time, it was such an enjoyable experience and fun challenge that I can’t see myself skipping it next year.

Next up, an expanded musing on the joys and terrors of running into the unknown without your Garmin!

[missjosie27]

Prompt Response #40- Ethren Whitecross

“Would it really be a crime to let yourself have some fun once in a while?”

The first in the responses for the prompts. I will say in advance that not all of this may make sense or appear ‘canon’. It’s also a sequel to ‘The Other World’ a story I wrote awhile back in honor of Ethren Whitecross. What first started out as a fun concept between two MCs, I turned into this for better or worse. And it was tough at times emotionally. But I poured my heart and soul into it. It is also non-canon and completely AU. That being said, I do love the multiverse and this was a great way to explore that.

@hogwartsmysterystory​ My friend. This is for you. And for Ethren. I hope you like it.

It had taken many moons for David Grant to achieve what was previously thought to impossible: the ability to hop dimensions at will. Since the end of the war and his mind blowing foray into the universe that housed another curse breaker, the twenty five year old not only joined the Department of Mysteries part time in addition to being reinstated as an Auror but began exploring the power of the veil for more timelines.

It was partially due to self interest, which his boss Croaker didn’t need to know about. Happy to further the Department’s investigations of the unknown magical branches, the experience of visiting another world had touched him so deeply David resolved to do more investigating: specifically if there were any other scenarios involving Ethren Whitecross in which he did not die. Despite technically never meeting the American, he already felt a sense of kinship with him, a kind of surreal connection one couldn’t explain in so many words.

He deserved better...so much better

Many months passed, but at last David was able to tinker with the magical properties of the veil so that it revealed a wondrous discovery: the cosmos was damn well infinite. Billions of people making billions of choices creating infinite earths. And it didn’t take long for him to discover a timeline in which Ethren was still alive and in Hogwarts.

“Hang on, mate. I’m coming,” he said as he stepped through, making sure his protections were sufficient to protect him from the other realm the veil lead to: death.

Of course, David had never actually met Ethren for obvious reasons and so had no idea what to expect from him. The only aspects of his life he knew for certain were that he was American, died in the war, engaged in a relationship with Merula and unknowingly had a son in the process. The other timeline’s Merula had given him more grisly details, but nothing so specific as to his personality, likes, dislikes, or anything else.

As it turned out, much to his chagrin, Ethren Whitecross was a bit sour to say the least.

He was short for a male, only 5’6 but with intense, clear blue eyes to go along with caramel brown hair and conventionally attractive features. He wasn’t terribly athletic but could swing a beater’s bat well enough. Similar to himself however, Ethren was a top notch dueler and excelled in the subjects he genuinely enjoyed, but struggling in those he did not care for. However, his less than sunny disposition was certainly off putting and it didn’t take long to figure out why.

“So let me get this straight,” Ethren said skeptically as they lay on the shores of the lake at Hogwarts. “You’re from another universe where my family never existed and in my universe your family never existed. Like me, you’re an amateur cursebreaker, date Merula, and apparently need to warn me about my impending death? Do I have everything correctly?”

“Uh, yeah that pretty much sums it up,” came the response.

Unfortunately for David, he had stumbled into a timeline where Ethren was completing his 7th year at Hogwarts as opposed to being a full grown adult. But it was just as well, finding Ethren was easy given his reputation. Getting him to believe his story was quite another debacle altogether.

“Well, guess what, you’re a bit too late. I already know I’m dying from my blood malediction and that R still wants to kill me. By the way, thank you so much for bringing up such a painful subject. A paper cut with lemon juice would have sufficed.”

He got up to leave but David moved to stop him.

“Wait, wait, hear me out. I can explain everything in a bit more detail.”

“Or I could go back to the library and read.”

David scoffed.

“More like you would brood all day.”

Ethren flushed from indignation.

“And how would you know that?”

“Believe me, I know enough...look I’m just trying to help.”

“My cranky on and off girlfriend is a bigger help than you’re being right now and that’s saying something.”

David took a breath of the evening Scotland air and breathed out. He should have known it wouldn’t be this easy, but that last statement left an uneasy sensation in his stomach. He remembered vividly a drunken twenty six year old Merula wanted by the law while drowning herself in vodka tonics and narcissistic self loathing. He was beginning to see just how much of an emotional toll she was taking on the poor lad. So he decided to switch gears.

“Look, I have an idea. Classes are done for the day right, you’re a legal wizarding adult...come hang out with me for a couple hours.”

“I can’t leave Hogwarts,” Ethren shot back.

“Right, since when did Dumbledore’s rules ever stop us from leaving whenever we wanted?”

“Point taken but still no.”

“By God, Would it really be a crime to let yourself have fun once in a while?” David half laughed in amazement. “Trust me, let’s go have a good time and I’ll explain everything afterwards, alright?”

He didn’t think it would work given the clear suspicion still lurking in those blue eyes but to his surprise, Ethren relented and nodded.

“Fine.”

“You can apparate right?”

“Yes and I can also blow you to smithereens if you try anything funny.”

“You know part of me does want to know what would happen if we ever dueled,” David grinned. “However, I went through a war mate. Got a bit of a head start on ya.”

“Fantastic.”

“And here I thought we Brits were the uptight and sarcastic ones. Aren’t Yanks supposed to be expressive?”

Ethren simply snorted and walked past him into the open field.

“Be thankful I’m saying anything at all.”

The two young men walked until they reached the boundaries of the school just beyond the entrance, David leading the way.

“Follow my lead,” he said. “Unless you can’t keep up,” he added teasingly.

“Just go,” came the grumpy response.

Bollocks, this is going to be harder than I thought David mused to himself with exasperation

And with a loud *pop they apparated into the sunset.

--------------------------------------------------------------

It didn’t take long for the two to land in random cobblestone street with Ethren keeling over, grimacing severely.

“Yeah I hate apparation too,” David said, pulling out a flask and taking a sip. “You get used to it.”

“I only recently passed.”

“Fair. Which is why where I’m taking you next will simultaneously relieve that discomfort and get you to loosen up.”

Ethren looked up and saw a wooden sign in maroon lettering which read the words ‘The Mayfair.’

“A bar?”

“Never underestimate the value of a pub,” David told him sagely. And before the younger lad could object he pushed him inside the door.

Inside was a setting not altogether spectacular. There was a small dining area, a large bar that spanned about fifty feet with two bulky TVs that currently were playing the latest football matches. However there was also a small staging area that contained a microphone with another TV sitting overhead. A sizable crowd graced its floors- a hodgepodge of young professionals, crusty regulars, football fans, and those who were just looking for a good time. Which was precisely why they were there.

In his time after Hogwarts and during the war David found that muggle bars offered a lot more in terms of entertainment and alcohol: a primary factor in why he chose a casual London pub as opposed to a place like the Leaky Cauldron. Muggles also tended to write better music which was also key to this night.

“It’s a good thing we aren’t in robes,” Ethren said above the general chatter of the pub.

“I made sure your classes were over before we came here,” David replied. His own dress was unremarkable: brown leather boots, jeans, jacket, and a Guns N’ Roses t-shirt (they were the most popular band in the world in the late eighties/early nineties after all). They fit right in.

David dragged Ethren over to the counter and caught the attention of the barkeep, knowing full well that in England you never got carded for ID as they did in America.

“Two Guinnesses please.”

“You got it.”

He flipped a couple of pounds and soon enough was presented with two full tankards of the dark stout.

“Cheers, mate,” David told him, clinking his glass with Ethren’s.

The twenty five year old relished the taste but clearly his counterpart did not, grimacing as though he had swallowed stinksap.

“Dear God that’s awful. Why do you drink this stuff?”

“Keep sipping and you’ll find out,” came the cheeky reply.

Ethren merely shrugged and did his best to keep drinking. David peered around and saw the exact person he wanted to see: the DJ.

“Stay here, I’ll be right back.”

For his part, Ethren Whitecross was highly confused by this whole affair. He still wasn’t sure he believed that this person, whoever they were, was supposedly a dimension traveler who’d apparently met another version of himself by accident. It was just too insane to believe. And yet somehow he knew details about his life that no one else popping up like that could know.

And now he wants to just drink our night away at a bar? What is this guy about?

Indeed, that appeared to be the most intriguing aspect of this. David Grant apparently not only came back to warn him but to spend time together as if they were old friends. Ethren wasn’t sure how he felt about that just yet given that R was still after him however this fellow didn’t appear to be unseemly...yet anyway. For now, he decided to keep drinking the beer, which oddly enough began to make him feel a bit warm and fuzzy in the head.

Soon enough David returned a big grin on his face.

“Finish that up soon. We’re on next.”

“Next for what?” Ethren asked, utterly nonplussed.

“My friend you are about to experience the wonders of karaoke.”

“Kara-what?”

David laughed, deep and true then drained his beer in one gulp.

“You’re about to find out.”

Ethren found himself dragged away to the staging area where they were handed two microphones and a pair of spotlights shone down on them.

“Should have asked this beforehand but how familiar are you with muggle music?”

“Umm not very?” came the unenthusiastic answer.

“Do you know ‘Piano Man’ by Billy Joel?”

Ethren nodded. His father kept a collection of old muggle records at home and that was a song played quite frequently sometimes to his chagrin.

“Yeah, I know that one.”

“Smashing. We’ll be just fine.”

The crowd started to cheer as the opening piano chords began to play. Ethren squirmed uncomfortably but David put a strong hand around his shoulder and began to sing in earnest. There was no backing out now.

“It’s nine o’clock on a Saturday

The regular crowd shuffles in

There’s an old man sitting next to me

Making love to his tonic and gin”

Ethren had to admit that this stranger sang well, but he wasn’t so much of a musician himself. But he had no choice as the microphone was pressed into his face.

“He said son can you play me a melody

I’m not really sure how it goes

But it’s sad and it’s sweet and I knew it complete

When I wore a younger man’s clothes”

The young Gryffindor understood better why the beer was necessary. One drink already had him buzzing but it sure loosened inhibitions. Slowly he began to enjoy himself as he belted the chorus alongside David.

“Sing us the the song, you’re the piano man

Sing us the song, tonight

Well we’re all in the mood for a melody

And you got us feeling alright”

To Ethren’s amazement the crowd began cheering despite the fact his pitch was probably way off. Apparently it didn't matter how good or bad you were at actualling singing, enthusiasm for the song and the camaraderie of the patrons was enough to send everyone into a frenzy. Feeding off that energy, the two young men sang into the Scotland night, following the lyrics with gusto.

“Sing us the song, you’re the piano man

Sing us the song, tonight

Well we’re all in the mood for a melody

And you got us feeling alright”

The last of the harmonica sounded off into the exit riff of the piano and the song was over. Ethren could hardly believe it ended so fast, but the cheers of the crowd were practically deafening. Indeed the feeling was so exhilarating, he almost didn’t notice the shadowed face of his counterpart, lines of worry practically melting off his face.

Perhaps he wasn’t the only cursebreaker that had problems.

Afterwards, the two sat down and drank a few more beers, which were on the house due to their riveting performance. Several regulars gave them cheers and pats on the back. The two chatted about a number of things, but it wasn’t until they stepped outside for a breath of fresh air that the conversation turned honest and even somber.

David lit a cigarette and took a long inhale before issuing smoke.

“Told ya I knew how to have fun.”

“Maybe I wasn’t the only one in need of it,” Ethren observed astutely.

The older man shrugged but tried to play it cool.

“I’ve been through…a lot,” he said simply. “Moments like the one in the bar are the kind that kept me going over the years. It’s what makes life so wonderful even when it’s not.”

Ethren paused before asking.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty five to be exact. Twenty six in four months.”

“You look five years beyond that.”

It was blunt but David knew by now Ethren didn’t pull punches. He could relate to that. Neither did he.

“I didn’t come back merely to warn you about your malediction, Ethren,” he said quietly. “You beat that.”

“So...I die another way?”

David swallowed, feeling a lump pop up in his throat. Now was not the time to get super emotional. He needed to tell the truth.

“You have a relationship with Merula just as I do, yeah?”

“I do. Though I can’t say it’s always a happy one. We either bicker or just end up making out half the time.”

The older man chuckled sardonically, knowing full well what his wife was like when she was sixteen.

“Sounds about right. Believe me, I know how she is sometimes.”

“You’re at least eight years older than I am right now….what happened with you and her?”

David knew this was the moment he came back for. The essence of his visit.

“We married after Hogwarts. During the war, she was kidnapped by her parents and placed under the imperius curse. I was able to free her during the Battle of Hogwarts.”

Ethren’s eyes were practically popping out of their sockets.

“Wait, wait back up. There’s a war? Merula becomes a Death Eater?”

“Let me explain,” David said, raising his hands in the air whilst also flicking his cigarette. “Yes, You Know Who will return in four years time and begin a new war against the Ministry. And no, my wife did not become a Death Eater. She was shanghaied against her will. At that point in her life, she wanted nothing to do with her parents. Can you say the same for yours?”

Ethren’s head was practically spinning at this newfound revelation. He felt a desperate need to sit down but remained standing, running a hand through his caramel locks.

“She...she would never.”

“If you believe that, you’re wrong. If Merula doesn’t break off her toxic relationship with her parents, she’ll go right back to them once they’re freed from Azkaban.”

Denial morphed into pain as the younger man shook his head.

“Why...why would she do that?”

“You know as well as I do how badly she wants their approval and how it affects her judgement. My Merula made the right choice, but I also helped her to see what kind of path she was heading in. You must do the same.”

“And what happens if I don’t?”

In a reversal of moods, David’s hazel blue eyes bore into Ethren’s crystal blue ones, hardening with each passing second, though there was still tremendous sympathy.

“I will not lie, however the answer will be difficult for you to hear. You will each find yourself on the opposite side of the coming conflict and Merula will realize her error far too late. In the end, you will sacrifice your life for hers during a great battle. And as a result, a son will never know his father.”

Tears were forming into Ethren’s eyes and David was trying his best not to do the same though it was becoming increasingly difficult.

“W-what...what should I do?”

“Guide her,” David responded softly. “Show her that there is a better way to happiness than simply attaining power. Help her to see that she can trust people unconditionally and that those people are not her parents….especially her mother,” he added with a heavy hint of disgust.

“I don’t know if I can,” the teenage Gryffindor said, his voice still wavering. “She won’t listen to me. She never has.”

“She will. I guarantee it.”

David stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Ethren, embracing him in a hug while silent tears fell from his eyes.

“You can do it, Ethren. I’ve seen war, I’ve seen death, and I’ve seen a world where a family was ended before it began. Trust me when I say this, you and Merula Snyde are meant for each other for better or worse. And if I can do my part to ensure you end up happy instead of six feet under, I damn well won’t hesitate.”

They broke apart with both men wiping their eyes.

“Bloody alcohol,” David joked.

“I think I’ll hold off on any more beers.”

The older man placed a hand on Ethren’s shoulder though this time he did not hug him but instead gave a final guiding message.

“I made a promise to thank you for what you did for my wife and to honor your memory. This way, I can do both. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Now go break your malediction, defeat R, and live the life you deserve.”

Ethren nodded, finally gaining back control of his emotions but also feeling a deeper sense of purpose as well as gratitude to this stranger.

“I don’t know how to thank you,” he said somewhat lamely, cursing his lack of ability to express his feelings properly.

“You’ll never have to,” David responded kindly. “Consider it a favor from one friend to another.”

He released Ethren’s shoulder and nodded with a smile.

“Now let’s get you back to Hogwarts. If memory serves, I believe curfew should be soon. Don’t want Snape catching you out of bed.”

Ethren gave a smile of his own.

“Since when has Dumbledore’s rules stopped us?”

David laughed one more time before they disapparated with a small *pop.

“Never.”

----------------------------------------------------------

Merula Snyde did not like feeling guilty. It was a useless emotion better left for fools who believed in sentimentality and other such nonsense. But when it came to one special boy, her heart could not help serve as a constant reminder of how much she mistreated him. Such as their fight from earlier that morning.

Working late into the night in the library, the ambitious Slytherin had poured through book after book and page after page in order to see if there was anything about maledictions they hadn’t already discovered or knew about thus far. In a sense, it was her attachment to Whitecross and their past experiences together that drove her to do as she did. There was no need to say that you cared, that’s what saving him from his blood curse was for. Even so, the young Slytherin couldn’t avoid the guilt or her memories.

“Why do you do this?”

“You’re going to have to be more specific, Whitecross. Spit it out.”

The Gryffindor clenched his fists but then let out a sigh and then unclenched them as they stood outside in the corridor near Charms.

“You claim you’re on my side but not once do you ever take responsibility for your own shortcomings. Nothing is ever your fault or a bad idea. Is it your job in life to torture me?”

Merula snorted as she dismissed him yet again.

“You torture yourself enough all on your own. If there was a shred of common sense in that empty head of yours, you’d acknowledge that you don’t have the bollocks to take out R same as it was with Rakepick. I’m not going to apologize for speaking the truth.”

Ethren usually swept aside her barbs no problem but this one appeared to hit home in a way her usual ones did not. He took her hand in his.

“Merula, I don’t know that I can call you my girlfriend anymore...I’m not sure what we are. But...those feelings we have won’t just go away. Why can’t you just at least pretend you care about me?”

But his appeal to her better senses fell flat as she withdrew her hand and gave a hard stare with her vivid, violet eyes.

“If you want a hug, Whitecross go to Haywood. Don’t waste my time.”

And without another word, she spun around in her combat boots and walked off not bothering to see the pained reaction on his face.

Merula clenched her jaw as the remorse became almost overwhelming. Why? Why was she like this? It wouldn’t kill her to throw the poor blighter a bone now and then, right?

“What’s wrong with me?” she whispered aloud.

A second voice entered her mind, one that was hauntingly familiar.

You should know better. There are no such things as happy endings. The only person anyone can rely on is themselves….

The voice became disturbingly soothing.

You’re special my little blackbird. I will always love you

Merula resisted the urge to cry as she planted her face on one of the many books layed out in front of her. She did not care if Madam Pince yelled at her for staying too late. Wallowing within her inner demons outweighed any potential punishment.

“I never realized the true depth of your self loathing narcissism until much later in life,” spoke a voice. It frightened her so much, that she jumped at least a foot in the air and wheeled around, wand in hand.

Standing by the window of the library was a young man, light beard, longish brown hair, tall, wearing a Guns N’ Roses t-shirt, brown boots, and a dark cloak. He wore his hoodie up and so could not see the face clearly. Nevertheless, she kept her wand trained on him.

“Who are you and what do you want? I promise I’m the last witch you want to mess with,” she snarled.

“My identity is inconsequential. As for what I want, I only wish to impart a gift.”

Merula did not believe a word of what this stranger said and had half a mind to hex him if it wasn’t for the fact that damaging the library in such a manner was a bannable offense.

“Whatever the intentions, you picked a really bad spot. Don’t you know where you are? Madam Pince will disembowel anyone who mucks about in here...of course she won’t have the honor of doing so before I do.”

A condescending chuckle emanated from underneath the hood.

“I have a silencing charm and a protective ward around this area. We won’t be interrupted I assure you. In any case, what I have planned isn’t going to take long.”

The teenage Slytherin silently checked the magical energies around her and realized he was right. Those kinds of wards were only the kind powerful Aurors knew or worse. All of a sudden, real fear entered Merula’s bones though she did her best to hide it.

“W-What are you going to do? What is this?”

The figure did not move, only uttering a single sentence.

“The day you finally understand.”

He was too quick for her to react properly, so fast was the draw of his wand. There was an incantation she didn’t recognize and a jet of white light that struck her in the forehead.

A swarm of images flashed through Merula’s mind and she was forced to witness every single one of them: two teenagers triumphing over an evil organization, an emotional breakup, darkness arising in the British wizarding world, an escape from Azkaban, a young woman kneeling before the Dark Lord, a night of raw passion, the birth of a child, and finally the scene of a young man with an arrow lodged in his chest, a despondent woman in Death Eater robes sobbing over the lifeless body.

‘Ethren! Ethren! ETHREN! PLEASE! DON’T GO!!!’

Then just as quickly as they came the images were gone and so was the unknown figure. Only a reeling and emotionally fragile young woman who had only one thought on her mind.

“Ethren,” she breathed out.

-----------------------------------------------------------

The young Gryffindor teen was slightly annoyed as Jae told him someone was waiting outside the tower for him. Who on earth was so desperate to talk to him this late at night? Did they not have the password or some other such nonsense? He wasn’t in the mood for a prank.

As he stepped past the portrait of the Fat Lady, however, his questions were answered right away as a mess of brown hair with an orange tuft slammed into him.

“What the- Merula?”

“Ethren,” she whispered as she clung to him for dear life. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry…”

Utterly shocked, Ethren separated himself ever so slightly, still holding her in arms and looked into beautiful, violet eyes; eyes that were swimming with tears.

“Sorry? For what?”

“For everything...I didn’t realize...I didn’t know…”

Words failed her as she pressed her lips against his. Ethren didn’t hold back, returning the passionate kiss, long and deep. Fireworks were exploding in his mind.

When they broke apart, he saw she was still crying but there was also the same determination that sparkled in the orbs he’d come to love for better or worse.

“Things are going to be different from now on...I promise. I love you,” she said.

Ethren traced a finger along her soft, porcelain cheek, taking in the small freckles that dotted her adorable nose. He’d never felt so amazing, so enamored with the girl in front of him.

“I love you, too.”

As they embraced once more, Ethren Whitecross couldn’t help but think of the man who’d changed his life in one fell swoop. The one who’d gotten him to simultaneously sing karaoke and drink Guinness on the most memorable night of his young life. He smiled as he took in the scent of cloves, nail polish...and something elusive.

Thank you, David Grant

[blueberryraindrops]

Blueberry’s Ultimate TUA Masterlist

KEY

Fics are organised alphabetically (articles e.g. ‘the’ will not count) 

mostly gen and fiego fics 

Download links are EPUB files only 

authors can feel free to send me a msg if they want their fics’ download link taken down

Links are now unavailable on PC due to a Tumblr link limit (I also had no idea this was a thing, but apparently it is?)

Regular updates can be expected as long as I remain in the fandom

Last Update: 15/10/2020

FANFICTION

☁︎ actions are worth a thousand words by achilleees { E }

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“I think it would be best if we keep up the ruse for a short while longer,” Five said. “For the sake of time-space continuity.”

“Oh, so Klaus was right before, huh?” Diego said. “The fabric of the universe unravels if my hairdresser knows we’re not boning?”

☁︎ Adventures In Childhood [Series] by just_a_sunflower_girl { G / Partially WIP }

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Five really should have guessed that something would go wrong. The universe hated him, it was an abject fact. And right now, Five hated the universe right back.

The commission turns Five into a four year old, hoping it will make him easier to kill.

☁︎ all dressed up and naked by cathect { E }

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The skirt hanging off of it is pleated and pale pink, with two white stripes near the hem— like a cheerleader might wear, Diego thinks wildly— and Five looks almost awed. Diego doesn’t want to assume anything by an expression alone, but he can’t quite help it.

Before he can stop himself, the words are tumbling out. “That would look good on you.”

Or, the one where diego fucks five while he's wearing a skirt.

☁︎ another cog in the murder machine by Ford_Ye_Fiji { T }

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Five finally gets the breakdown he deserves

☁︎ As I Want You to Hear Me by karcheri { E }

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“It’s hard to explain.”

“Try me.”

Five sighs.

“I’m trying to prove that our current timeline has branched off from it’s initial trajectory by such a large margin that it could only have been caused by the existence of unknown variables interrupting the timeline at non-linear points throughout history. I believe that we are living in...let’s call it timeline 2.0.”

“I don’t understand,” Diego says. Nutcase, he thinks. Insanely hot nutcase.

This time Five smirks at him, looking bratty and arrogant and entirely too sharp; “I know you don’t.”

Or: What I like to imagine alternate/Sparrow Academy timeline 2019 Five and Diego are up to

☁︎ Bizarre For You Is Normal For Us by pupeez4eva { G }

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“I think he’s talking to himself again,” Ashley said, leaning forward. “Okay yeah he is — oh my god, is that kid talking to the mannequin?”

Maggie shot a glance behind her. Yes, the boy was talking to the top half of a mannequin.

“I love working here,” Ashley breathed.

Wherein Klaus, Dave, Five and Dolores go on a double date, and people are confused and very concerned.

☁︎ Blink by Lady_Origami { G }

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When Five blinks, sometimes he's back in the world of ash and embers. It's hard to remember how to breathe when that happens. In which Klaus tries to play the role of supportive brother with Ben's help, and Five struggles more than he lets on.

☁︎ Blood like Lemonade by Ford_Ye_Fiji { T }

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Hunting high and low to seek revenge, Brand new moral code, got made reluctant renegade. Leaving empty souls when he avenged, Evil spirits flowed he drank the blood like lemonade.

Five's sordid past comes to light in, quite possibly, the most unpleasant way

☁︎ Bloom by jenpix { E }

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The first thing he noticed was the heat. A sudden, overwhelming heat. It started by his neck, his throat tightening, cutting off oxygen to his brain. The heat spread lower, permeating throughout his chest and abdomen, focusing and growing in his groin. Every inch of his skin was on fire. He couldn’t breathe; he couldn’t think. He needed something- anything- to relieve the ache that had abruptly settled in his bones. Lust utterly consumed him.

“Something’s wrong.” Diego concluded.

☁︎ Call Me Wild Thing by Electra_XT { E }

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“Diego’s been screwing guys who look exactly like you,” Klaus said.

“True,” Five said.

“He acts embarrassed when you encounter him with one of these lookalikes,” Klaus said.

“True,” Five said.

“You want to bang him,” Klaus said.

Five hesitated.

☁︎ Comes And Goes (In Waves) [Series] by hujwernoo { M }

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The apocalypse happens, Five arrives in the rubble, and his entire family is dead.

However, one of them has power over ghosts. And even if being dead seriously sucks sometimes, Klaus is going to be there for his brother.

☁︎ Dead Aren't Good Company, The by RosyPages { G }

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They’d been back in time for less than a month when their father forced Klaus back into the mausoleum.

But maybe this time his family can do the right thing.

☁︎ Details [Series] by VeteranKlaus { T }

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The last time Klaus saw his siblings was at Allison and Patrick's wedding. A lot had changed since then; including the not-so-accidental, irreversible loss of his sight.

There's no time to tell them that, though. Not with the return of their long-presumed-dead brother and the impending apocalypse. Plus, it doesn't matter. He's got Ben as a good seeing-eye ghost.

☁︎ Digging Up The Past by FiveUmbrellaAcademy { E / WIP }

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"You want to roleplay me being raped." Five muses, stirring his margarita. He plucks out the tiny umbrella and leaves it abandoned on the edge of the table.

Diego splutters, before glancing wildly over his shoulders.

Five and Diego are in a busy bar, and Diego had absentmindedly suggested Five looking particularly hot, especially when he's pliant, almost as if he's being -

"What the fuck? Shut up, Five." Diego hisses, eyes darting around. "Anyone can hear you."

Five says nothing.

Or: Unfortunately, the roleplay triggers a memory Five desperately wishes he'd forget.

☁︎ do androids dream of electric sheep? by the_crownless_queen { T }

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Number Four is crying, and Grace was made to care for those children.

In which Grace was created to protect the children of the Academy. Even, as it turns out, from their father.

☁︎ don't waste your time (or time will waste you) by rosewitchx { T }

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He was an old man. He is sixteen. Ben dies next week. How does he know that?

“I think I broke it,” Five stutters, and for the first time in her short life Vanya sees absolute terror in his eyes.

Or, Five travels back again. Something goes wrong.

☁︎ Dulce Periculum (Danger Is Sweet) by Anonymous { E }

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Klaus swallows heavily.

He brings up the hand that says “Goodbye” on the palm up to Five's hair and rakes his fingers through the strands. When Klaus is blessed with a high pitched whine, he knows he's done for.

or: Five wants something stronger than alcohol.

☁︎ Fighting (Pre)Determinism by chibi_tantei { T / WIP }

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They go back in time, determined to rewrite their own family history. Only problem is, only one of them looks the proper age to get near their younger selves.

Or, six months after Five stormed out, determined to time travel, he returns home. His siblings are happy to have him back, but he's acting differently...

(Or, Five goes undercover as himself. Twice the siblings should make saving the world easier, right? Yet somehow, he's only now realizing how many issues his family has to fix.)

☁︎ Five and Dave's Life Changing (Life Saving) Field Trip by neuronary { T }

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The little boy, who Dave could now see was not as little as he’d first thought, shoved a tin mug at him. “Drink this.”

Dave drank. It tasted sickly sweet and slightly citrus-y. “Who are you?”

“Five.” The boy’s scowl deepened at Dave’s confusion. “Klaus’ brother.”

Or, Five saves Dave's life to stop Klaus from moping. From Dave's perspective, a very grouchy, sleep-deprived twelve-year-old kidnaps him and he finds it much more entertaining than he should.

☁︎ Five And Diego Take Ukraine by yawarakai { G }

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It’s definitely her. She's around fifty, and striking – Diego can see where his brother gets his features. Light skin, grey eyes, hair dark and straight, slim. She’s a carbon copy of the boy standing before her.

“Da?” Five’s mother asks warily.

☁︎ Forward Trajectory by karcheri { M }

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“Ha ha,” the cop replies,” How’s your little troupe of nerds today anyways?”

His Professor groans, burying his face in the man’s neck and Nick winces. He should’ve anticipated that answer.

“That bad, huh?”

Or: Every semester students work themselves to the bone to score the highest mark on Professor Five's final project.

☁︎ Ghost Math by pinstripedJackalope { G }

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Number Five needs a new hobby now that the apocalypse is off. He decides to help Klaus--and in turn maybe he'll help himself.

☁︎ game of waiting, a by sky_blue_hightops { G }

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He was always the fastest. He always beat the others up the stairs, down the halls, through time and space. If there's one lesson he's learned, it's that there's always a finish line. A stopping place. Blood bubbles from between his fingers, and suddenly there's no air in his lungs.

Five jumps in front of a bullet. He calls it quick reflexes. Diego calls it stupidity.

☁︎ Gift-Wrapped by punk_rock_yuppie { E }

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Diego discovers Five's secret.

☁︎ god-intoxicated by chrysostomos (nantes) { E }

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Of all the things Diego expected to get dragged into this month, meeting a mythological witch, finding out Five is married, and rescuing him from his unwanted sun god husband were not on the list.

☁︎ handling myself by achilleees { E }

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Five pressed his lips together. “I advise against… touching them with your bare hands,” he said, taking the pills out of his pocket and dropping them into Diego’s gloved palm. “It would be unwise.”

In the light streaming from the Academy windows, Diego could see the sheen of sweat on his skin, trickling down his temple.

“Oh my god,” Diego said, starting to laugh.

☁︎ Happy Accidents by Starrstruck_64 { G }

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You’re making a mess, is what Diego wants to snap back. Instead he hears his mom’s voice clear as day say ‘boys will be boys’ and without thinking he’s moving on autopilot.

Diego can feel his hands clenching rhythmically at his sides before he’s moving forward to take the bowl from Klaus and ripping the apron off in one smooth motion. Discarding the bowl to the side he works on getting the strings untangled and slips the apron over his own clothes.

“Out.”

He has so much work to do. The pancake is beyond salvaging, the kitchen is a mess, and he’s fairly certain the batter is inedible.

Aka: the fic where Diego’s mothering instincts go wild

☁︎ haven't you heard of meditation? by rosesareredvioletsareblue { T }

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"Klaus, you have a piece of glass sticking out of your neck!"

Klaus felt for the glass, wincing as he found it.

"Oh yeah. Fun." It took all of Five's willpower not to throttle him.

☁︎ Hidden Variables Theory, The by siriuspiggyback { T }

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Something has disturbed the space-time continuum, and it's up to Five to figure out what it is.

With a bit of luck, and a lot of alcohol, he might even manage to do it before he snaps and murders his siblings.

☁︎ Honey and Vinegar by JayTRobot { M }

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The Handler sends Five on a mission only he can complete - to seduce a known pedophile for information. Then kill him.

Five doesn't appreciate playing the honeypot.

☁︎ I Want It (I Got It) by Electra_XT { E }

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“Oh, Christ,” Five said, starting to grin. “Diego, no. Don’t tell me you’re actually into being called—”

“Shut up,” Diego muttered.

“It’s not sexy,” Five said. “It’s cliche and corny and macho and self-aggrandizing, and I’m disappointed in you.” He waited a beat. “Daddy.”

☁︎ i'm gonna be here til i'm nothing (but bones in the ground) by iguessyouregonnamissthepantyraid { T }

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Someone definitely just punched him in the chest, right? That’s the reason for that feeling? Or that last batch of pills had something seriously off-label mixed into them. Because there’s no way. There’s no fucking way.

He squeezes his eyes shut until dots burst behind his eyelids, but when he opens them, the hallucination doesn’t go away.

“… Five?”

☁︎ I'm The Daddy? by TUA (IAMS) { G / WIP }

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Five spends fifteen years in the apocalypse and two years working for the Temps Commission before breaking his contract and time traveling back to the year 2003; just a year after he originally went missing.

According to his calculations, wiping Reginald's existence from the timeline means the apocalypse never occurs. But of course, this leaves several newly orphaned fourteen year olds in his care.

Let the family bonding and therapy ensue.

☁︎ if the sky comes falling down by synchronicities { T }

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The equations are still wrong.

In 2002, Number Seven wonders why her siblings are acting odd.

(Or, the post-finale “Vanya doesn’t remember the time travel” fic)

☁︎ If You're Different And You Know It (you're not alone) by M3zzaTh3M3z { T }

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Five was different. He’d always known. Different from most people, what with his freakish birth, powers and unconventional upbringing, all that old news. And different from his siblings. He was smarter. His powers were stronger. And he’d never picked a name. All that was old news too. But there was something else that separated him from the rest, something he didn’t know how to put a finger on, how to categorize, analyse, understand. Five didn’t like not understanding. It was probably Klaus that made him first notice something was off.

☁︎ Is the sadness everlasting? (love, I think it is) by ArmedWithMyComputer { T }

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A look into what Klaus' newly discovered ability could mean for the siblings.

Diego could feel his whole body trembling as he faced the ghosts, only able to take shallow breaths as he struggled to process the true horror of what he was seeing.

And then they started howling.

The sound pierced though his stupor and forced him to his knees instantly. It was like nothing Diego had ever experienced before, and he was consumed with the intensity and overwhelmed by a deep chilling fear. It felt as though his mind had been taken over and all he could hear was the shrieks of grief, more intense than any emotion he had ever felt.

☁︎ It Does(n't) Matter by MYSTERYstew { T }

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It’s a familiar feeling, being lifted up by Luther and tossed around like he weighs nothing (to Luther he certainly does), it was a favorite move of Luther’s as a child. Nostalgia is not what Five feels, he’s too busy flailing as Luther throws him over the railing.

or, Five fails a jump

☁︎ Jealousy Sucks by FiveUmbrellaAcademy { E / WIP }

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"God, Diego." Five rubbed his temples, sounding exasperated. "He's our brother."

"I'm your brother, too." Diego blurts out. Fuck, now he's sounding like an insecure, whiny boyfriend. Perfect.

Five just stares back at Diego, his eyebrows burrowing.

At the physical age of seventeen, Five has, in Klaus' words, grown up hot.

☁︎ Just One Minute by willowhisperer { T }

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Five holds up his end of the deal, soaked in blood. The Handler decides to toy with him a little while longer.

Maybe it's revenge, maybe she's riding the high of her shiny new position as head of the Commission.

Really, she just wants to win, once and for all.

☁︎ Kinktober Day 12 - Crossdressing by Multifangirl69 { E }

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The Umbrella Academy Kinktober Fest//Day 12

☁︎ Kitten Socks by sky_blue_hightops { G }

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Klaus's lost his favorite pair of socks (again) (Ben shut up) and finds them in an unexpected place.

☁︎ Lessons 'verse [Series] by Soulykins { T }

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Five was maybe four years old when he figured out that he was pretty much ride or die for his siblings. He was also four when he figured out that in the Umbrella Academy, you could never let Reginald Hargreeves figure out what you loved lest he use it against you. There was safety in aloof indifference, more than could be found anywhere else under their roof.

Five times Five Hargreeves protected his siblings the best ways he could, and the one time he failed.

☁︎ Lethe by shoelaces { T }

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Le·the | A river in Hades whose waters cause drinkers to forget their past.

Or: Five loses his memories instead of Vanya, and it falls to his siblings to raise a superpowered teenager in the 1960s, all whilst preserving their own new lives and preventing yet another apocalypse.

☁︎ Like an abyss by fridayyy { T }

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For the second time, Five has to (gets to?) grow up.

☁︎ Like Oxygen by sevansa { T }

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Klaus's powers may be a bit more extensive than just seeing the dead, he's not sure what to do about that.

OR

The one where Klaus's power is not ghosts, but souls and that makes a hell of a difference.

☁︎ master of my domain by achilleees { E }

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“You’re asking five 13-year-old boys not to jerk off for – it can’t be done,” Luther says. “Now that we’re older, it would be different, but back then –”

“Excuse me, I could do it,” Five says. “I could certainly outlast all of you.”

They all look at each other.

“Oh, no,” says Allison.

☁︎ Meet the Hargreeves Siblings by AmyR { G }

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Klaus is found passed out by a confused Patch and Beaman. When Diego comes to get him, refusing to divulge who the unconcious man was, things get weird. At least the first time. The second time, it was a different person. And then the third. Then the fourth.

Until finally, explanations are demanded.

☁︎ Mellow Rays of a Departing Sun [Series] by Emotionally_Detached (Yeah_Toast) { T }

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He makes it. He time travels and makes it through another apocalypse. He makes it, but his siblings don't.

His siblings don't make it, except he's in his own childhood and they're still here, alive and thirteen and he can fix things.

He will fix things

☁︎ Midmorning Coffees and Therapy Sessions by wereworm { G }

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Local woman working at coffeeshop accidentally adopts a child and gives advice with a focus on getting closer to siblings when she, herself, has a sub-optimal relationship with her sister.

Or the time Five went to get a good cup of coffee and ended up slowly befriending the barista while trying to reconnect with the siblings he hasn't seen since his childhood without the looming threat of the apocalypse anymore.

☁︎ most dangerous place in the world, the [Series] by Princess_Sarcastia { T }

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"Grace is the third model in a series created by and for Sir Reginald.  She has access to the knowledge obtained by her predecessors in their time assisting Sir Reginald in his many endeavors.

All three of them were primarily designed as protectors.  Do no harm, just as Mr. Asimov said!

But Grace is slightly different."

[priority one: protect the children]

☁︎ Need a Vacation by Electra_XT { E }

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“You ready for a relaxing weekend at the beach?” Diego said.

“Thrilled,” Five said, looking down at the map in his hands. “A relaxing weekend of hunting down a hired killer and pretending I’m dating my brother.”

☁︎ New Life, A by BirdInTheCave { T }

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Allison had convinced Ray to come back to 2019 with her and her family and after a month of being cooped up in the house with the other Hargreeves plus their own unconventional guests, Ray suggests they spend some time alone. He's still struggling to fully comprehend the new world he's stepped into but he's determined that with Allison at his side he can get used to anything. Allison can't find a reason to say no. She should have said no.

Luckily for her, Five will always be there for his family, now that he's back.

☁︎ Next time, hire a nanny by TheArchaeologist { M }

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While the rest of his family go out to Vanya’s concert for the evening, Five, still recovering from the remains of a lingering chest infection, agrees to watch Claire. He is fifty-nine, he can handle a little girl for the night.

Everything goes fine.

Until it very much doesn't.

☁︎ Not my body, not my life (But I am here) by Panonnymous_Bloom { G }

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He wasn't going to explain to Diego why exactly he was following Allison's every move with his eyes because he didn't own anybody any explanations, especially not his simpleton of a brother who seemed to think that every Alpha was going to pounce on Allison at the first sign of any heat.

Allison's decision to spend her heat in the house leads Five to a small realization - and even smaller desire - but he will kill a thousand men before admitting to it.

☁︎ Not with me by ClaraCivry (Kat_Of_Dresden) { T }

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They never asked if any of that blood was his. Five is bleeding, and he is also giving up.

AU to 2X07, with hurt Five because after all that boy has been through...

☁︎ Number Five | And The Things that Make Him Tick [Series] by Kraeyola { T }

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It's only been two weeks for him.

AKA: Five succumbs to two weeks worth of badly cared for (physical and emotional) injuries, and ends up extremely feverish.

☁︎ On My Terms by CivilBores { T }

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“I did what you asked,” he tells her. “Now, the briefcase.”

Her eyebrows raise in mock-surprise, red lips curling up her face in a sadistic smile.

“You didn’t think that was all, did you?” she asks.

AU: The Handler gives Five a slightly different deal.

☁︎ On This Day In History by telm_393 { M }

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Five had a...special relationship with the Handler during his time at the Commission, or maybe he didn’t. After the apocalypse doesn’t happen, he tries to order his memories of the last few years while also actively suppressing them. It goes badly.

His siblings are worried, and genuinely want to help. They are not unsuccessful.

☁︎ Out of My Mind by Electra_XT { E }

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“What happened?” Diego said. He looked down at himself. “Am I hurt?”

What happened? echoed a voice from the back of his head.

☁︎ Outside, For the First Time by Trees_Frogs_andPotentially_Treefrogs { G }

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Grace is torn between her programming to obey the rules set by Mr. Hargreeves, and her duty to the children, and decides that being a person is self determined.

☁︎ Partners, Parents, or None of the Above by DarkFairytale { T }

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Kenny's mom assuming that Diego and Klaus were A) a couple and B) Number Five’s parents was both bemusing and amusing at the time. But that was because it was the only time it had ever happened. Now though? Now they just can't understand why these misunderstandings keep happening.

☁︎ Raising the Bar by Electra_XT { E }

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Five looked ten years older. He was still youthful, early twenties, but he had suddenly and visibly become an adult. Diego had braced himself for… something, but not this. He was dressed heartbreakingly preppy— neatly tailored slacks, a shirt that fit him like it was made for him, and a casual blazer. Diego hadn’t known a blazer could be casual before, but the way Five wore the linen jacket made it seem genuinely effortless.

Of all the ways this new body thing could have gone, Diego didn’t expect him to be hot.

☁︎ rude awakening by Soulykins { T / WIP }

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When Five wakes up, he just knows someone is in the room with him. Of course, even he didn't except to come face to face with the Handler who he'd thought to be very very dead. And he especially didn't expect her to break into his room and watch him sleep while waiting for him to wake up.

It's very fortunate that Diego and Klaus show up to wake him up and take offense to some random lady in the same room as their very uncomfortable, very thirteen-year-old brother.

☁︎ Screaming in the Face of Communication by papayaromantic { T }

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It's not that he doesn't want to pay attention to Five, just that he seriously can't hear what the boy is saying past the wailing of the torn apart woman in front of him.

☁︎ Second First Time by venDi { E }

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Five spent his early years learning about Alpha biology -- and he knows, recognizes the sudden shift in his family's scent, that his heat has sent them all into a very, very early rut.

☁︎ Servus by Anonymous { E }

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"They had been given a chance to start over, all of them, together. At least, that’s what Five intended, when he pulled he and his siblings from imminent death...He had watched his siblings be swept back to their collective childhood, armed with the knowledge of what was to come, and how to prevent it. He, on the other hand, had ended up somewhere entirely different."

Five receives one, final business proposal from the Handler, and her methods of persuasion are far from conventional.

☁︎ Shadow Elixir, The by Phantom_Vidar { E / WIP }

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With the apocalypse averted the Hargreeves attempt to rebuild their lives and transition into something that resembles a fraction of normalcy. A year later and strange visions start appearing to Klaus, of a dark space contaminated by souls bygone and a voice who aches to be free; especially Ben's. The apocalypse has passed but now another disaster awaits— one that Diego and Five might have accidentally walked into.

Alternatively: Diego and Five have sex and coincidentally start the next stage of the end of the world.

☁︎ shaking like I shook before by Anonymous { T }

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Five tries to deal with it alone, until he learns that he doesn’t have to.

☁︎ skirts and sweaters by slightlyworriedhuman { T }

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"I don't want to be a ‘cute little schoolboy’ anymore, alright?” Five snapped. For some reason, the thought of himself as a schoolboy was enough to make his skin prickle. Was it the implication that he was younger than the rest of them, less mature despite his life?

...Yeah, it was definitely that. Absolutely.Five wants a change in wardrobe. His siblings are more than happy to help.

☁︎ small changes by calypso42 { T }

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“I need to ask you something.” He set down the large stack of books he was carrying beside him. Klaus glanced at a few of the titles - Consciousness in the Brain - Memory & the Role of the Hippocampus - Soul vs. Matter: A Comprehensive Look at the Origins of Sentience - and grimaced.

“Are you… having an existential crisis, or something? Because I am possibly the worst person you could go to for that.”

...

When Five goes to Klaus to ask him something about his powers, Klaus doesn’t think much of it. At least, until he realizes that what he thought was simple curiosity was actually deeper than that, leading to a revelation about Five himself.

☁︎ Snacktime. [Series] by HotCocoaaa { G }

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There was a wolf spider, just, chilling on the table that morning when Diego came down for breakfast. A...a really big wolf spider. Just...a real hunk of a thing.

(“You...you just….you just ate a spider.” He murmured.)

It didn't end well.

☁︎ Special punishment by Anonymous { M }

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Five was the only one with a tattoo on his rib

☁︎ sweater weather by KittenAnarchy { G }

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Number Five, a dryer, and his first blink.

☁︎ take shelter by aloneintherain { T }

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AU where the apocalypse doesn’t follow the Hargreeves to the 1960s. Without the threat of nuclear annihilation hanging over their heads, the siblings can take the time to be a family again.

Until they find out that the Handler has been blackmailing Five.

☁︎ There are Stones in my Stomach and Worms on my Plate by TheArchaeologist { M }

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If you ever need a crash diet, try the apocalypse. It is fat free, dairy free, lacking in all the vital vitamins and minerals, and totally organic.

After all, look at Five. Weeks after stopping the apocalypse and he still can’t finish a plate of food.

☁︎ there is simply nothing worse than knowing how it ends by Drhair76 { G }

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"What's this?" He said pointing a finger at the bread and peanut butter that was laid across the table top.

Five rolled his eyes and sighed heavily. "What do you think. It's a sandwich."

"Oh?" Klaus reached out a hand to brush the sleeve of his beloved hoodie. "And what's this?"

or, the one where Klaus 'loses' a hoodie, Five gets a hug and Ben is proud.

☁︎ they could care less (as long as someone'll bleed) by Ford_Ye_Fiji { M }

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Number Five is cornered once again by commission agents, but this time with his family.

Diego and Klaus learn something about their littlest-oldest brother.

☁︎ this is a bad town (for such a pretty face) by luciimariiellii { T }

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Five’s gone. (How the Hargreeves cope, and how they reunite.)

☁︎ time on my hands by achilleees { E }

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“If you orgasm, you’ll die,” Five said with a grimace.

Diego’s eyes went wide.

“Bet you wish you’d just been sterilized now,” Five said.

☁︎ Timelines 1-2.1 [Series] by dgalerab { M / Partially WIP }

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As the world ends, Five takes his siblings back into their child bodies on the day he originally left. With the knowledge of how the world ends fresh in their minds, the Hargreeves siblings do what they can to leave clues for their past selves on how to grow up a little less fucked up before returning to the present.

A present where they all have different lives they can't remember, there's a fun new apocalypse on the way, and Reginald Hargreeves remembers the day where all his children suddenly and inexplicably lost their minds and all respect for him at once a little too well.

☁︎ to unexplain the unforgivable by darkviverna { T }

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Ability to see the dead and having a temporal assassin for a brother don’t mix well.

☁︎ Too Much Too Little by 1spideyson { T }

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Five says nothing on the ride back, just gently presses the tips of thin fingers to his eyes and temples like his head is a new instrument he’s learning to play. Like he’s searching for the right notes.

Diego tries not to cast too many worried glances the boy’s way, but when Five crawls into Diego’s bed, shaking and grey, he can’t stop himself from speaking up.

A look at Five and Diego's relationship through a h/c lens.

☁︎ Too Old To Be So Young by KaseyBeth { T }

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Five winced loudly, pushing his head off the floor to see bright red smeared across his chest and stomach; crimson soaked into his shorts, running down his leg. His head fell back against the ground dizzyingly, and he groaned as someone touched the wound, biting his bottom lip as he tried to stay conscious. The end of life, of everything, was in three days; they didn’t have time for this, he didn’t have time for this. A bullet wound, a stupid bullet wound and all that stupid concern and worry, was just going to slow them down. There wasn’t time for mistakes, or hiccups, or rest and recovery. It was the end of the fucking world. 

☁︎ trans diego & child five [Series] by iamnotalizard { G }

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eudora and beaman are surprised to find out diego has a kid; they're more surprised when they see what their relationship is like

☁︎ traumaversary by WeWalkADifferentPath { T }

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It follows him like an unscratched itch. Under his skin, over his body, around his energy, like a mosquito that won’t leave him the fuck alone.

April 1st. April 1st. April 1st.

(A character study of Five, with some inevitable family feels, in honour of March 24th).

☁︎ two can be as bad as one by myeyesarenotblue { M }

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“Five, sweet little Five” Klaus says, from where he’s sitting cross-legged on the floor, next to one of the living room’s couches, instead of sitting on it like a normal person. “We love you but what the fuck”

Five growls, like he’s a dog or something. “It should correct itself”

☁︎ Uncle Five PT1 by glitched-coffee { G }

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Allison has to take care of Claire without warning the others but its all fine and dandy until Claire thinks she’s old enough to hear everything about Five. She’s seven.

☁︎ Unexpected Future, An by aseies { T / WIP }

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“I’m sure you’re looking forward to finding a way back to your own time as soon as possible,” Nedzu said. “I want you to know that U.A. will do everything in its power to help you achieve that goal. Time travel is a complicated equation to solve, but I’m sure if we put our heads together we’ll come up with something!”

Five raised a skeptical eyebrow. “And you’re just going to do that out of the goodness of your heart? I’m not even old enough for high school yet.”

“Well, we’re all heroes for a reason, no? What good are we if we can’t help a single child in need?” Nedzu pointed out with a pleasantly neutral smile as he sipped his tea.

OR: Instead of time traveling into the apocalypse, thirteen-year-old Five Hargreeves teleports in the middle of the USJ fight.

He gets a couple of new dads out of it.

☁︎ Vital Signs by aye_of_newt { M } 

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Sometimes, it's difficult for Klaus to tell if someone is alive or dead.When Five shows up, covered in blood after killing the Board, Klaus panics.

☁︎ walls kept tumbling down, the by Ingu { T }

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It started small.

There was a nagging ache in his chest, phantom pain from where the bullets had pierced his flesh, in the overwritten timeline that never will be.

(the one where rewinding time doesn't miraculously resolve mortal gunshot wounds)

☁︎ We All Deserve Second Chances (but don't repeat your mistakes) by justarandomword, wolvesandnovas { T }

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Time-travelling gave Ben a second chance at life. He's not about to let Reginald Hargreeves ruin that for him and Klaus.

(a.k.a. Reginald takes Klaus' dog tags and the aftermath.)

☁︎ we didn't choose this life, we're just (kind of) living it [Series] by noodlerdoodler { T / Partially WIP }

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Five couldn’t move, standing by and watching complacently, as his younger brother grabbed him roughly by the front of his sweater. It was like he was watching a play he wasn't apart of, yet that was definitely his small body being tossed over the balcony. No doubt, Luther thought that he would just jump out of the way. He'd always jumped out of the way, sometimes without even meaning to, but now visions of a world on fire flashed through his head as his body plummeted towards the ground. Seemingly, he was tumbling through the air in slow motion and absentmindedly, Five wondered if this was his life flashing before his eyes. All he saw was the desolate world he’d left behind weeks ago.

When Five hit the ground, it was with a sickening cracking noise.

“Oh my god, Luther, what have you done?”

☁︎ with two arms by karcheri { T }

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What it comes down to, really, is that Five had been too eager for results. Once it became clear to him that there was a connection between his powers and his energy level the obvious course of action, as he saw it, was to test this information. The hypothesis was this: higher energy levels = stronger powers and the easiest way to get more energy is to eat more. Pretty simple stuff. Too simple. 

or Five times that Five starves himself and one time that he gets called out on it.

☁︎ world of options, a by achilleees { E }

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“So did you ask Five about me?” Klaus asked.

“Was I supposed to do that?” Diego said.

“You are the worst fucking wingman,” Klaus said.

☁︎ year that wasn't, the by achilleees { E }

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Diego turned to Five. “I’ve already, uh, lived today. This has already happened.”

Everyone went still.

“Ooh, that’s a mind-fuck,” said Klaus.

☁︎ you from yesterday by questors (sieges) { T }

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The difference between who his siblings once were and who they are now.

☁︎ You Put Your Head In My Hands by shadowsapiens { M }

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“I need a favor.” Five scrambles to his feet, fluffy dark tail lashing behind him. “Don’t worry, it’s not the apocalypse.”

☁︎ You Shook Me All Night Long by Persephxneeee { M }

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Diego was right, Five thinking too much sometimes.

☁︎ zero to sixty by achilleees { E }

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“Man, have you seen me?” said Diego. “Are you really that surprised?”

Oh, Five thought.

“Seems right,” said Klaus, pleased. “Other than the turtlenecks. Very hard to take you seriously as a Dom in the turtlenecks.”

[birbs-in-space]

mashup meme, 54 and 97, newmann?

hi thank you i owe you my life

54 secret relationship, 97 time travel

ok so this is more than a little funny because i’ve actually written out the basic framework for a time travel newmann fic but i didn’t think that it would work here so i made a new au (mistake, i love worldbuilding too much), took a lot of liberties with ‘secret relationship’, and also i briefly forgot that uprising happened so this is just post pr1

------

Newt wakes up to an empty bed which--disappointing--but he’s not too concerned because it usually just means that Hermann’s had some idea that he wanted to get down and he couldn’t do it from bed. Newt gets it because he does the same, except he usually accidentally elbows Hermann awake in the process of wrestling himself out of bed. He straightens his undershirt, finds a presentable enough pair of sweatpants, and makes his way down to the lab.

The door’s askew when he gets there, and he’s about to barge in and announce his presence when he hears Hermann’s worried voice, quiet and frantic.

“I need more time.”

What? That doesn’t make sense. If anything, they’ve got all the time in the world. Post-Pitfall funding will get them through at least the next five years. There are no impending due dates hanging over their heads, no Kaiju knocking at their door. It’s the first time in nearly thirteen years that they’ve actually had all this time.

Newt edges into the lab, careful not to jar the door or knock anything over. He’s not keen on eavesdropping, but, now that he’s here and curious, he’s not entirely sure what to do.

Hermann’s alone, sitting at his desk with his face towards the chalkboards. There’s blue light reflected onto his face. If Newt had to guess, Hermann’s probably talking to someone on his phone or maybe his laptop.

“No,” Hermann says. “No, I am not compromised. I merely need more time to ensure that the future here is secure. No, Ma’am.”

Newt edges his way across the lab to his own table.

“No, I have no personal attachments. Forgive me, but you know my record--” Hermann stops talking abruptly, his mouth snapping shut and his face grim. “Understood,” he says after a moment. “Five days? Understood.”

The blue light fades and Hermann sags in his chair. It grows so quiet in the lab that Newt can hear the tick of an old analog clock. Newt had forgotten that they’d had one of those.

“Newton,” Hermann says and then looks over his shoulder to make eye contact. “I know you’re there. If you could please come over here.”

Newt jolts and takes a few breaths to calm his nerves. “Coming!” he says, his voice squeaking a bit.

“It’s unfortunate that you had to hear some of that,” Hermann says, “but I suppose it is for the best.” He takes ahold of one of Newton’s hands and holds it tightly. He looks absolutely shattered. “I haven’t told you everything about myself.”

“Is this a Terminator kind of thing?” Newt jokes before he can stop himself.

Hermann blinks, apparently thrown. “I--no, I don’t believe so. Provided, I don’t have any idea what you’re talking about.”

“A cyborg goes back in time and tries to kill this dude’s mom whose kid’s--the dude--he’s gonna stop this robot uprising.”

“Not quite like that,” Hermann says.

Not quite? What does that even mean? Is Hermann a robot? That doesn’t make any sense because then the drift wouldn’t have worked and-- Newt forces himself to stay quiet despite the hundreds of questions building up in his mind and attempts to school his face into a neutral expression. He’s pretty sure he’s not doing it right, if Hermann’s pitying face is anything to go by.

“I am from a different timeline, technically,” Hermann says, “and I was sent here with a mission, but that mission doesn’t involve killing anyone.” He hesitates, then amends, “Except for the Kaijus, though I suppose I am only indirectly involved in that.”

Ugh, Kaijus. Wait, no. No, Hermann just told him that he’s a time traveller and maybe some kind of secret agent? It sounds like some kind of science fiction story. “You’re from a different timeline?” Newt fights to keep his voice down. “How come I didn’t see it in the drift?”

Technically those memories are not connected to this body?” Hermann suggests but his tone of voice says question more than statement. Newt’s confusion must show on his face, because Hermann is quick to explain. “I was sent here as energy, but I was born here. Safety precautions dictate that energy is the only thing that can leave the base, though mass can enter.”

“Dude,” Newt says, “that’s wicked sick.”

“Wicked sick?” Hermann asks. “Is that supposed a good or a bad thing?”

“Oh a good thing for sure, dude,” Newt says, “it means that you’re the coolest.” The clarification doesn’t seem to do much for Hermann’s confusion, but he does look incrementally more relieved. Good. “Wow, this is nuts. Anyways, what’s up with the five more days thing?”

Hermann flinches. “That’s my deadline to return, to leave here,” he says. His grip tightens on Newt’s hand. “To leave you. My mission here is technically complete, so my supervisors have deemed it necessary for me to travel back.”

Oh, fuck, that’s bad. “Right, nope, not gonna happen,” Newt places his free hand over Hermann’s. “It took us ten entire years to admit that we love each other, and I’m not about to go giving up on us so easily.” He leans forward to kiss him but then reassesses. It doesn’t really look like what Hermann needs right now.

“It’s not so easy to disobey,” Hermann says gently. “They can recall me at any time, and doing so forcefully leaves the body behind.”

Newt winces. “That doesn’t sound good,” he says.

“It’s a rather painful process.” Hermann agrees.

“I guess that rules that one out,” Newt says. It’s all coming on so fast. He’s still struggling to grasp everything that’s Hermann’s told him so far. Part of him can’t help but wonder if Hermann’s leading him on, but he doesn’t listen to it. Hermann’s never ever been that guy. “What was that thing about attachments, by the way?”

Hermann sighs. “Technically, I, or rather we, my fellow agents and I, are forbidden from forming personal relationships, except for those necessary for the completion of the mission.”

A quick flash of doubt washes over his mind concerning the veracity of his and Hermann’s relationship, but Hermann continues before it can sink its claws in.

“I have known my fellow agents to engage in such behavior from time to time, given that it never interfered with the mission. With you, I have failed utterly and completely.” He pulls a hand free but places it right on top of Newt’s. “I love and care for you deeply, and I do not wish to leave you in any capacity.”

“I love you too, Hermann,” Newt says, leaning over to pull Hermann is his arms. They stay like that, comfortable, until it starts to feel too much like Newt’s trying to memorize what this feels like, and he doesn’t want to deal with what that implies.

Newt pulls back a bit so he can look at Hermann’s face. “I take it that when you’re compromised, it doesn’t mean they just terminate your contract and you can stay here.”

“When you’re compromised,” Hermann says with a grimace, “you are forcefully recalled and then you are killed.”

“Oh fuck,” Newt says.

-----

“Hey,” Newt says, “so why can’t you just stay here longer and then time and space travel back to whenever they want you to be back.”

“Safety precautions prevent incoming time travel. It’s mostly to ensure that base or the organization is never sabotaged, but it means that all active assets, myself included, are tied to a linear timeline relative to the process of time at the base,” Hermann explains.

“Huh,” Newt says, trying to process what Hermann just said. “I think that could be more clearly phrased.”

“It means regardless of what I do, time will always pass in the base the same it does for me. For instance, if I was capable of travel to, say 1920, and I spent 5 hours there and then returned to here the second that I left, one second will have passed for you, but five hours will have passed for both me and the base,” Hermann says.

“That’s stupid,” Newt replies.

Hermann, to Newt’s utter surprise, laughs hard. “It is unfortunate,” he says when he is able, “yes.”

“We’ll figure this out,” Newt vows.

------

“What if I went with you?” Newt asks over lunch. He ignores it when Hermann steals his last orange slice.

“Hm?”

“To the base,” Newt says, “or whatever you call it.”

Hermann swallows his food. “I, ah. I'm not qualified to register you as anything less than a prisoner. If you are not properly tagged, the transportation process will kill you.”

“Yikes.” Newt chews on some kind of fibrous vegetable. It’s getting stuck between his teeth. “But if you did register me as a prisoner, at least we'd be in proximity to each other, right?”

“No,” Hermann says. “Except in the rarest circumstances, prisoners face either solitary confinement or death.”

“That's more than a little horrifying,” Newt says. “That happens to all of the prisoners?”

“We only arrest people for the most egregious crimes, Newton,” Hermann says

Newt gulps. “Alright, let's rule that one out.”

------

“An appeal,” Hermann says on the fourth night, nearing the final day. “If a knowledgeable but unattached third party makes an appeal to the base, I may be granted permanent posting here, until the death of this body.”

Newt’s half asleep when Hermann starts talking, but he’s flailing upwards by the end of it, trying as hard as he can to listen.

“Wait, wait, wait,” he says, his voice nearly cracking. “Why didn’t you mention this sooner!?”

“I had forgotten it existed!” Hermann replies. His hands are on Newt’s arms, clinging tight. “It’s been over 3000 years since the last appeal, and that was in the middle of a cold war.”

Newt can’t think of any cold wars happening on Earth three millennia ago which must mean...oh shit, good aliens. Wait, does that mean Hermann’s an alien? Maybe not physically, but like-- There isn’t any time to process this information, though, because there’s an actual, solid chance that Hermann might not have to leave, and that’s not something he can just get distracted from.

“So all I gotta do is convince a bunch of people that you’re absolutely necessary for the continued safety of this world,” Newt says, trying to slow his heart rate. This is definitely something he can do. Everything’s going to be okay.

“You must also convince them that we are nothing more than colleagues. Friendship still is even too close of a personal connection,” Hermann says.

“It’s okay,” Newt says. He’s looking hard down at the bed. “If it means that you can stay here, I’m pretty sure I can lie.” He laughs, somewhat hysterically. “I mean I got six PhDs, right? You can’t defend that many theses without a bit of bullshitting.”

“I suppose you’re right,” Hermann says, loosening his grip on Newt’s arms. He sounds impossibly fond.

Newton wants to cry with relief.

------

Newt makes the call at seven in the morning. Hermann hands him a small device, tells him which buttons to press, and then clears out of the lab.

His heart rate skyrockets when he hears the dial tone. It’s surreal. Why is there a fucking dial tone of all things?

But then the call picks up and Newt has to straighten out his face and pretend like his heart isn’t going a hundred miles a minute.

The video projection is heavily obscured, as Hermann said it would be, but the voice comes through surprisingly clear.

“This is an appeal statement for the asset currently named ‘Hermann Gottlieb’. Please confirm or deny.”

Newt takes a breath. He can do this. “Confirm.”

“Please begin statement,” the voice says.

“My name is Dr. Newton Geiszler. I am a scientist with the PPDC and a colleague of Dr. Gottlieb. I primarily research Kaiju biology. Dr. Hermann Gottlieb has saved countless lives through his contributions to the PPDC program,” Newt says. “I have worked in proximity to him for the past ten years, so I may be the most qualified to report on him.”

Does that sound distant enough? Damn, he really should have practiced this more.

“He helped lay the groundwork for Jaeger programming, helping give us--humanity--a fighting chance. When he moved on to research the Breach, he built a predictive model that helped us locate and time future attacks, allowing us to greatly reduce our response time.”

It sounds too much like a resume. Newt flinches, probably something the camera picked up. He’s never won an argument this way, just stating all the facts.

“The war is not over. While the Breach may be closed, I do not believe that the Precursors will stop their attack on Earth. We may only be familiar with a fraction of their technology, but we know they created the Breach, and it’s only a matter of time before they create another one.”

He doesn’t know it for sure, but he believes it with all of his heart. Some mornings he wakes up completely convinced that a breach is going to tear open at any second and Kaiju are going to come spilling through. There’s always a chance it’s not his fear but rather Hermann’s leaking through the ghost drift. If that’s the case, though, then Newton has way more to be terrified about. Hermann is scientific, pragmatic. If he holds these convictions this strongly, then it’s almost guaranteed to happen.

“Dr. Gottlieb and I, we were the last of the research department to remain. We likely would have lost the w--I would have died--were it not for him.”

Oh, shit. Those were the bad words. He has to fix this, quickly, quickly--

“What I mean to say, is that if the Kaiju come back, and Hermann isn’t here, we will all die, because it was just he and me at the end of it all, because the other researchers left, that’s how I know so strongly that he is needed here. He is smart, he is loyal, he doesn’t give up in the face of adversity.”

Yeah, that’s not helping either. Time to no romo this shit hard because it turns out he is really bad at this no attachments thing.

“Maybe if we’re lucky, we can scrape by without him, but to lose that many people, that much progress, we would never recover. Dr. Gottlieb is a respected colleague, and we all rely greatly on his future contributions here.”

Newt can’t tell if he said the right words or the wrong words at all because the next words from the voice are completely unrelated. “Explain knowledge of Precursor technology.”

“I, uh, I drifted with a Kaiju in a last ditch attempt to end the war,” Newt says hesitantly. He leaves Hermann out of it, just in case they know what the other effects of drifting are. “Alongside extensive study of Kaiju remains.”

The voice coughs, completely breaking character. “I’m sorry, you what? Could you repeat that, please?”

“I drifted with a Kaiju?”

“Acknowledged,” the voice says, sounding bewildered. “Please elaborate on personal relationship with Gottlieb.”

“He’s a colleague,” Newt says. The less the better, right?

“Elaborate.”

Okay, maybe not. “I have worked alongside but not in with him for many years. We share the same goals, but we are extremely dissimilar, which has led our relationship to be defined, at least on my part, as grudging respect? I have never been able to get particularly close to him, as he is extremely private. I realized this early on in our working relationship and felt no inclination to press the issue. I never felt a need for his friendship. I’m surprised we’ve worked together this long, honestly. We are colleagues, nothing more.”

It hurts to say, but it flows so much easier than everything he was stumbling over before. Years and years of practice or firing insults back at Hermann whenever Hermann took offense at his clothing or his taste in music or his inability to properly follow procedure to the dot, it’s almost muscle memory.

Whatever it reveals, it seems to be enough for them to make a decision because the voice says, “Statement complete. Decision will be reached in five minutes. Prepare for reply,” and the call disconnects.

Newt takes a deep breath and stands abruptly, running for the lab door. Hermann is waiting on the other side.

“I have no idea how I did,” Newt says.

Hermann doesn’t reply with words, instead choosing to kiss Newt like he’s dying and he needs to be certain that the last air he’ll ever breathe will be Newt’s.

“I think they’re going to be calling back soon,” Newt says when he’s finally freed.

Hermann freezes and accepts the device from Newt. “I’m supposed to accept this alone.”

“Good luck,” Newt says and gives Hermann one last peck on the lips before Hermann disappears into the lab and the doors close after him.

-----

After what seems like an eternity, the lab doors open, and Hermann walks through, joy radiating off him in waves.

“They called you an idiot,” he says, though Newt’s pretty sure that’s not what he means.

“What?” Newt asks.

“For drifting with a Kaiju,” Hermann says. “They called you an idiot.”

“That’s fair,” Newt says. The last bit gets muffled as Hermann envelops him with a hug.

“I don’t have to leave,” Hermann whispers. “I don’t have to leave.”

“That’s good,” Newt says. “Thank fuck.”

Hermann laughs.

[imaginetonyandbucky]

‘we’re on a roadtrip with some friends and we have to share a hotel room and there’s only one bed and a whole lot of sexual tension’ AU Would be nice if it was smutty. Steve and Sam totally set them up. Later Bucky and Tony realise they are both fools since they've been in love with each other since the beginning of their acquaintance.

A/N: I went way overboard on my first run at this prompt - that version is going up on AO3.  

So Open Up, I’m Climbin’ In

“You know, Sam,”  Tony groused, “just because Rhodey deputized you as my new best friend when he deployed doesn’t mean you have to drag me along on all your shenanigans.”  

“C’mon, Tony,” Sam pled.   “Just see what they have to say.”

“You hardly know these guys and you wanna get stuck driving three quarters of the way across the country with them?”  

“Steve was my partner on that group project from hell in my Structural Integrity class last semester,” Sam responded. “We bonded through adversity.   I kinda feel like I owe the guy.”

“But Bruce and I are at an important place in our project.”   Tony knew he was making excuses, but he had a bit of an ulterior motive.

Bruce Banner, Tony’s  ‘science bro’  was a pre-med major with a focus on neurobiology; it had been his idea to explore the possibility of developing an external neural interface to control an upper limb prosthetic. This would allow for less expensive prosthetics to be produced.

Bruce reached out to Tony for his programming and electronics skills, and they’d managed to talk a couple of their professors into supporting the effort.   The fact that Stark Industries had made quite a large donation to the school recently certainly didn’t hurt;  thanks to this act of quasi-nepotism, Tony and Bruce were able to score a private lab area and even offer compensation to their test subjects. Enter J.B. Barnes, a fellow student who was missing the lower two-thirds of his left arm due to a car accident the previous year.    

[more under the cut]

Tony found himself making excuses to hang out in the lab,  because Barnes was absolutely gorgeous.  Long, dark hair, a strong jawline, legs that went on for days, and stunning blue-grey eyes.  Sure, he had a bit of a Resting Murder Face going on,  and he didn’t talk much; which was a shame, since Tony could have listened to that smoky baritone read an error log and still probably pop a boner.  The day he walked in the lab to see a shirtless Barnes – Bruce was measuring his residual limb in order to start building the prosthetic – was one Tony still replayed in his mind.

So it was a hell of a shock to walk into the diner where he and Sam had agreed to meet Rogers and his friend and see a familiar face: Rogers’ pal was none other than Barnes.   Apparently the two of them had known each other since they were kids and had always wanted to go see the Grand Canyon.  Rogers – a shrimpy, artsy type – did most of the talking, while Tony wondered what he’d done to piss off Lady Fate lately.  

“Me ‘n Buck were never much for the crazy Spring Break beach vacations, but figured this would be kind of a last hurrah before we graduate and start our careers.” Rogers explained. “Figure with another driver or two, we can actually make the trip without killing ourselves or each other.  So, are you guys in?”

Tony had never done anything like this before – his family vacations had involved exotic locations and having every wish catered to – but it sounded like an adventure to him and having Barnes as a travel companion was a definite bonus.  Sam was up for it as well,  so they hashed  out a basic route and other logistics. And just a few days later, they were piling into Rogers’ car and getting on the road.

They had to average about six hundred miles a day to get there and back within the nine and a half days they had available to them,  so there wasn’t much time for sightseeing.   They hit a couple of  landmarks along the route –  Niagara Falls  and  the Gateway Arch in St. Louis were the highlights on the way out, and Sam had lobbied hard to stop at the National Air Force Museum in Dayton, Ohio on the way back.   But the majority of the trip was spent in the car and in close quarters.

While Tony had loaded his tablet up with movies and books, he found himself being pulled out of his shell, mostly by Sam but also by his other travel mates as they talked to pass the time.   Bucky and Steve were Brooklyn boys, born and bred and  Sam was happy to talk about growing up in Baltimore with his extended family.

Tony was probably the most reticent, as just about anything he said would come out sounding like he was a spoiled brat.  After all, the name Stark was emblazoned on skyscrapers on both coasts, and he’d grown up in a mansion with servants at his (well, his parents’) beck and call.  But he had a few innocuous anecdotes he felt comfortable sharing, and was able to hold up his end of the conversation well enough.

One bit of surprisingly pleasant news was that Barnes was both gay and single; he’d recently broken up with his boyfriend, who sounded like a real asshole.   Tony knew a little something about that; after a disastrous attempt at a romantic Valentine’s Day the month before  – romance and Ty Stone apparently being polar opposites – Tony had given his own boyfriend the boot.  

He and Bucky – Tony had finally accepted the idea that a grown man was going by the name  ‘Bucky’ – also found themselves bonding over a love of science fiction, arguing good-naturedly about the best novels by the Golden Age writers vs the New Wave and more modern writers.

Both of them had been inspired by their reading to pursue their majors - civil engineering for Bucky and  mechanical engineering and computer programming for Tony.  

“In fact,”  Tony said, “the computer on Star Trek and  Mike in The Moon is a Harsh Mistress got me interested in the idea of artificial intelligences.   I’m working on something along those lines myself.   Remind me to show you  Dum-E when we get back.”

“You named an artificial intelligence Dummy?” Bucky laughed and shook his head.  “Better let Banner have the naming rights on the rig you guys are working on.”

Tony bristled for a moment, then realized Bucky was just teasing him; apparently they’d reached that point in their burgeoning friendship.  “It stands for Digital Mechanical Entity,” he explained.   “He’s a robot with a learning algorithm.  Has independent control of his arm and camera.  I’m working on voice commands at the moment.”

“Sounds impressive. Maybe I could meet Dum-E sometime.”  Bucky smiled, and Tony felt his heart skip a beat. Thankfully,  Sam interrupted with the announcement of an impending pit stop, and Tony worked to regain his equilibrium.  

“You’ve got a thing for Bucky, don’tcha, Tones?”  Sam murmured as they stood together contemplating their junk food options.   Steve and Bucky were checking out, having already restocked.  

“No! Well, not really. Maybe?”   Yes, the guy was practically sex on legs, and they were getting along pretty well now that they’d found they had had interests in common.  However, Tony didn’t want to put that possible friendship in jeopardy by hitting on the guy and making the rest of the trip awkward.  “But nothing’s gonna happen.  He’s way out of my league.”  

“Uh-huh.” Sam crossed his arms and looked unimpressed.

“Just drop it, Samwise.  I don’t want to ruin the party.”

They made it to the Grand Canyon  on Tuesday around noon and spent a few hours exploring the park, with plans to stay the night in Flagstaff before heading back home    Bucky made a  suggestion to visit the Lowell Observatory that evening. Tony was game, but – after exchanging a mysterious look – their companions demurred.  Sam had called ahead to the hotel and booked the last two rooms, saying that they’d have the front desk hold a key for them.  Tony had been sharing a room with Sam up to this point in the trip,  but supposed he could keep his developing crush on Bucky under wraps for one night.

The Observatory tour was entertaining and informative; they even got to take a peek through the Pluto Discovery Telescope.  As they walked back to the car, Tony reflected on how nice it was to spend time with someone who liked the same things he did.  It was almost as if they’d been out on a date together or something.  Not that Tony had a lot of experience with that.

The two of them stopped to grab a bite to eat on the way back to the hotel and lost track of time; it was almost eleven  o’clock by the time he and Bucky got back to the hotel.  The front desk clerk slid the room keycard over once they’d identified themselves.  “Have a lovely evening, gentlemen. Breakfast runs until ten in the morning.”

“Son of a bitch - I bet Sam did this on purpose!”   Tony fumed, looking around as he stepped in the room which contained a single king-sized bed. Quickly assessing his options, he added  “Listen, I’ll grab the bedspread and curl up in the chair or something.”

“Nah, that’s okay.” Bucky replied, giving Tony an assessing look.   “But why do you say this was on purpose?”  

Tony felt his cheeks heating as he replied,  “Sam seems to think I’ve got the hots for you.”  He hadn’t intended to be quite so blunt, but the long travel days must’ve gotten to him.

Instead of laughing, or looking annoyed or disgusted,  Bucky stepped right into Tony’s personal space.  “Well, do ya?”   His question was unexpectedly soft, and somehow hopeful.  

Tony, at a loss for words, simply nodded slightly.  “Good. ‘Cause the feeling’s mutual,”   Bucky purred, tilting his head down to capture Tony’s lips in an exploratory kiss.  His exhaustion evaporated as the kiss moved from something cautious and unsure to confident and insistent.  

Tony opened his mouth eagerly to Bucky’s questing tongue, reaching out to pull him closer, to feel that magnificent chest pressing against his. Bucky threaded his fingers through Tony’s hair to hold his head at the perfect angle, deepening the kiss.  

A hot rush of want ran through Tony’s veins as he realized Bucky was walking him backwards towards the bed, licking and nipping at his neck and collarbone. Tony wondered for a moment if they were jumping into the physical aspect too soon; but then again, the time they’d spent together easily equalled  four or five dates, and wasn’t that usually the ‘make it or break it’ point? But despite the pounding of his pulse and the heat and press of Bucky’s hardon against his leg, Tony wanted to clarify something; make sure things didn’t go too far too fast.  

“Just so you know, I wasn’t planning on getting laid on this trip, so I’m fresh out of condoms and lube.”  

“Same here,” Bucky replied with a rueful grin, panting slightly.  “But I can think of a coupla other things we could do.  I’ve been told I give good head – wanna find out for yourself, darlin?”

Tony’s knees went weak, as much at the unexpected endearment as the offer itself. “Sure, as long as I can return the favor, sunshine.”

Bucky grinned and tugged at the waistband of Tony’s jeans.  “Drop ‘em.”

Tony was eager to comply; hastily pushing the covers back to sit on the edge of the bed. He grabbed a pillow for Bucky to kneel on before stripping out of his jeans and briefs.  Trembling with anticipation, Tony couldn’t hold back a moan as Bucky sank to his knees and ran his hand up Tony’s thigh.  

“I figured you’d be a vocal kinda guy,” Bucky smirked. “S’always good to be appreciated.”  He wrapped his hand around Tony’s cock, giving it a few firm strokes before flicking his tongue against the tip.  That wrung a gasp from Tony, his hands flying out to grab blindly at Bucky’s shoulders.  

“God, yes, more,” he begged, as Bucky began sucking his dick.  Bucky hadn’t been exaggerating as to his skills; those plush, sinful lips and talented tongue were taking Tony apart.  The brush of Bucky’s long hair against his thighs combined with the slow circles his thumb was rubbing into Tony’s hipbone just added to the sensory overload.   He could feel the orgasm building in his system as Bucky bobbed up and down, taking practically all of Tony’s cock into his hot, wet mouth.

“M’ getting close, sweetheart,” Tony gasped.  “Where do you want me to come?”  He figured it was only polite to ask.

Bucky pulled off for a moment, squeezing the base of Tony’s cock tight. “Wanna taste ya, sugar.  Suck every last drop outta you.”  

The dirty talk combined with  Bucky swallowing Tony to the root was his undoing; Tony came hard, his keen of pleasure probably waking the neighbors. Bucky gentled him through the aftershocks; but instead of the lassitude he’d expected after such a strong climax,  Tony felt energized, hungry to give Bucky the same pleasure he’d just received.

“Allow me to join in the choir singing your praises,”  Tony said,  responding to Bucky’s questioning look.   “How and where do you want me to go down on you, hot stuff?”

“It’s not gonna take long,”  Bucky admitted. “Might as well get in bed, so’s we can fall asleep after.”     He stood and shimmied out of his jeans with more grace than Tony would have expected.   He paused before taking off his shirt,  and gave Tony a raised eyebrow.   Tony realized he was still wearing his AC/DC concert tee.

Tony skinned the shirt over his head before he could reconsider; his scars were nothing compared to what Bucky had gone through.  When he caught the brief widening of his companion’s eyes, he explained. “Heart murmur. Had to repair a valve or two, no biggie.”   It was easy to minimize now, a year or so after the fact.  “But enough about me.  Time to focus on you, sweetheart.”

Bucky finished undressing – a simple flesh-colored sock covered his stump – and stretched out on the bed,  an anticipatory grin on his face.  His cock was hard and throbbing; apparently he got turned on by giving head.  Good to know.   Tony prowled up Bucky’s body, claiming a hard, fierce kiss before moving down to nuzzle at his neck,  sucking marks across Bucky’s collarbone. His hands roamed restlessly over his partner’s body, tweaking a nipple here, reaching under to grab a handful of ass there, doing any and everything  that seemed to drive Bucky even further into the throes of passion.  

Bucky wasn’t exactly a quiet bedmate either; an almost continuous stream of gasps and moans pushing from his lips as he rutted shamelessly against Tony, leaving smears of precome on their skin.     “C’mon, darlin,” he begged,  “need to feel your mouth on my dick.  Show me just what kind of a cocksucker you are.”

Bucky was both longer and thicker than what Tony was used to – which, admittedly, was only Ty, and one anonymous mutual handjob outside a club late one night – , but ‘adapt and overcome’ wasn’t  Tony’s motto for nothing.  He  wrapped his fingers tightly around the base of Bucky’s cock, stroking up and down as he licked and sucked, swirling his tongue around the tip, alternating hollowing out his cheeks and pressing Bucky’s cock hard against the roof of his mouth.  

Bucky touched the back of Tony’s head.  “Can I?  Promise I won’t push or hold ya down or nothin’.”   Tony hummed his assent, and Bucky carded his fingers through Tony’s hair as he continued bobbing up and down.  “Wanna come down your throat, sugar.  Is that okay?”  

Tony responded by going as deep as he could, then coming back up with a grin.  “Toldja I’d return the favor.”   He took a breath, then swallowed down as much of Bucky’s cock as he could, fighting his gag reflex. Bucky was true to his word; even as he came; shaking and shuddering with a low, staccato moan, he didn’t hold Tony down or push him even deeper.  Tony looked up to see a sleepy, satisfied expression on Bucky’s face as he murmured “C’mere, darlin’.”

“So, in all that paperwork I filled out for your project,” Bucky drawled, as they got settled into a comfortable, spooning position, “I don’t recall nothing about a ban on fraternization. Is that right?”  

“As far as I can remember.  I’ll check with Bruce in the morning.”   Tony tried not to read too much into Bucky’s question, but fell asleep with a hopeful heart that whatever was going on between them could grow into something more than a one night stand.

“This,”  Tony declared as he looked around the table,  “is the best birthday ever. Thank you.”  He felt tears of joy stinging his eyes as he leaned over and blew out the candles on his cake.   What a contrast from the year before, when it had been just him and Rhodey and a stale cupcake from the dorm vending machine.   Or even just a few months earlier, before that crazy road trip, when he spent his weekends in front of his computer instead of spending time with people he cared about, and who cared about him.    

Sam had made the cake from his momma’s recipe, and once it was cut and passed around, out came the gifts.   Bruce had bought him a gigantic coffee mug, and Bruce’s girlfriend Betty,  who Tony had only met a couple of times, had knit him a scarf.  Steve presented Tony with a sketch of his favorite building on campus,  and Rhodey – whose presence was gift enough in Tony’s opinion – gave him a vintage physics book dated 1898, the same year the electron was discovered.  

Bucky had given Tony his present over breakfast – a bronze bracelet depicting the astrological symbols of Pluto and Charon.   Inside, it was inscribed “I am your moon, you are my moon.”   It was a perfect reminder of their visit to Lowell Observatory and the events of that night;  they’d both gotten a little misty eyed when Tony opened the box.

Now,  Bucky was sitting right next to Tony, his right arm wrapped casually around Tony’s waist as he slowly ate using the latest iteration of the prosthetic in a real-life test.   Tony wasn’t sure what he was prouder of;  the work that he and Bruce had put into creating the prosthetic and the interface, or the work Bucky had put in to learn how to use it.  Regardless, he found himself cheering internally each time another bite of cake was successfully consumed.

“Wanna try feeding me a bit, sunshine?”

Bucky looked over at Tony’s empty plate.  “Uh-huh - you’re just anglin’ to get more cake, aren’tcha?”  But he focused his attention and maneuvered the fork over in front of Tony, only to smear the frosting on his nose. “Oops! Sorry, sweetheart,” Bucky apologized, but he couldn’t keep a straight face for long as he leaned in to lick the errant icing off

“Fine motor control test complete.”  Bruce commented dryly, as the rest of the table dissolved in laughter.  Tony hadn’t needed to make a birthday wish this year;  he had everything he wanted right here.  

[lolainblue]

Presque Vu -- Chapter 29

T/W: Smut

Tagging:  @msroxyblog @nikkitasevoli @maliciousalishious@meghan12151977 @fyeahproudglambert  @lady-grinning-soul-k @pheenixpeterson

   Raina was a mess Monday morning as she tried to get ready for work. Everything ached, and not in that tingly, pleasant way it had after their previous encounters, but actual hurt. The muscles in her arms that had strained against her bindings screamed when she lifted them in the shower, her bottom stung when the water hit it and every tender membrane seemed to be on fire. She didn't know if she was angrier at herself for not thinking things through or angrier at Jared for being right.

   The bruising on her neck wasn't nearly as bad as she thought it would be, and she wondered vaguely how long her health had been off. She couldn't remember the last time she had bounced back this quickly. She would still need a pashmina for a few days but it was nothing shocking. Cassie might even be able to cover it up for her.

   She downed a few Tylenol, grabbed some fruit from the refrigerator and headed into the studio. She passed the little vegetarian cafe that Jared had bought her breakfast from previously and on impulse, pulled into the lot. She was surprised at how normal the menu looked. Growing up on a farm she had somehow always imagined vegan and vegetarian food to be some exotic mishmash of tofu and weird vegetables she had never heard of, but these were mostly the same recipes she had grown up with, undoubtedly tweaked just a little bit. She saw the daily special was listed as vegan french toast with a cranberry compote and ordered it, along with some tea. The cashier that took her order was friendly and answered her questions about the recipes with an enthusiastic smile – apparently it was flour and something called nutritional yeast taking the place of the egg that was traditionally used in the preparation – and in a few minutes Raina was back in her car, with a container of yummy smelling breakfast on the seat next to her. This was one area she didn't mind admitting Jared had been correct about. Even if she was never going to learn to cook a thing she could still make better choices about what she was eating.

   Work was the same as always, although Val seemed a bit more relaxed than he had been the last month. She wished he would confide in her a little bit what was going on, but she realized how hypocritical that was of her. She never spoke of her personal life to him at all either, not even in the most general or guarded of ways. She got that it was work, but she wondered if maybe they weren't drawing the boundaries a bit too strictly. She doubted however that Val would be open to change and she certainly didn't want to aggravate him by telling him how to live his life.

   By the time she got back home for the day she was moving stiffly and the stairs to her apartment seemed to have increased eleven-fold. She started a warm bath before anything else, then poured herself a glass of wine. She heard the notification on her phone telling her there was a text waiting and she scooped it up and carried it with her. Once her bathtub had been turned into a bubbly, perfumed, candlelit oasis she set her wineglass down on the ledge and climbed in. The heat and the alcohol rapidly relaxed her tense muscles and she began to feel better right away.

   Once her glass of wine was finished she reached for her phone. Unsurprisingly the text was from Jared. “How was your day, Princess?” Raina smiled typed up her reply, “It was a typical Monday. I'm enjoying a glass of wine and a bath now,” she replied. He responded quickly, which told her he was finished with his day as well, and soon they had a conversation going.

  Raina chuckled at their ridiculousness. Neither one of them really knew how to give an inch, but they were growing more comfortable with that dynamic. It worked for them in a strange way. She took another drink of her wine before continuing.

  Raina shook her head, knowing where that question was leading. They were back to their old pattern of letting things devolve into sexual innuendo minutes into the conversation. This time she didn't mind as much but she hoped she had made it clear how tired and achy she was. She was formulating her reply when her phone rang, Jared's impatient nature obviously kicking into overdrive.

   “Yes sir, I am in the bathtub,” she greeted him.

   Jared laughed softly. “I'm sorry, baby girl. You should know by now how much I love to see you all wet and soapy.”

   “Do you want to see, sir?” she asked with a purr. Her body may have been exhausted and out of the fight but the arousal center in her brain awakened at the sound of Jared's voice.

   “You know I do. I will always want to see as much of you as I can. You are so beautiful,” he complimented.

   Raina could feel her cheeks heating. She had always felt just pretty enough, nothing special, nothing that got her any extra attention, but enough that she at least didn't get passed over. Jared and Shannon had a way of making her feel like a goddess, as if she were always the most beautiful woman in every room. She didn't really believe them, she was sure her appearance hadn't drastically changed in the time that she met them, but she appreciated the way they treated her. It was like living a pleasant fantasy. She chose to play along. Carefully she positioned herself underneath the bubbles, stretching out her torso and turning her waist for the most flattering look. Once she had snapped the pic she sent it to Jared, awaiting his response.

   “My God, baby girl, you just get more stunning every day,” he exhaled appreciatively when he received the image.

   “Thank you, sir,” she replied demurely. She could feel her mindset changing from her hectic day, and her focus began to fall to the dynamic between them. “I'm glad  you like it.”

   “Very much so,” he growled. “This tour is so close. I'm going to miss you so much while I'm gone.”

   Raina had been trying very hard not to think about Jared and Shannon's impending absence. It was bad enough she had let herself grow close to them, but now they were about to leave, and she was to be alone again just when she was realizing that alone wasn't a place she wanted to be anymore. “I'm going to miss you too,” she choked out and she knew Jared had to notice the warble in her voice.

   “Hey now, no need for that,” he chastised. “It's not for a while yet. And I was thinking maybe you could fly out and join us a few times, when your schedule allows. Would you like that?” He added the last part almost shyly, and Raina remembered that this vulnerability wasn't any easier for him than it was for her. He just put a braver face on it.

   “I'd actually like that a lot,” she confessed. She realized she had never really told Jared how much she had dreamed of traveling, or that that particular hope had been dashed along with her other dreams. “I've always wanted to travel, but I put it off for other things when I had the chance and doing that has been a big regret for me.”

   “Well after I introduce you to Emma I'll have her get with you to make arrangements. It's a European tour, so the flights will be long and you'll want to make sure you have enough time off to enjoy yourself. You can pick any of the cities you want, but Emma can show you which dates would be the least hectic for us.”

   Raina was relieved to know that their time apart would be tempered somewhat and excited at the prospect of seeing new places. Her mood lifted immediately. “It sounds amazing,” she gushed. “I can't wait.”

   “Well don't get too impatient,” Jared laughed. “It means we'll be gone and I won't get to hold that gorgeous body of yours as much as I want to.” Raina heard him sigh and close a door. “Let me see a little more of it. How about a nice shot of those fabulous tits of yours? Or I guess I should say mine now, shouldn't I Princess?”

   Raina rolled her eyes. Of course, the conversation had swung right back to sex. She was in a mood to indulge him, however. “Yes sir, they are. Just a moment.” She positioned herself again and snapped a quick selfie, making sure to give Jared the view he wanted.

   “Run your hand over them. The way I would if I were there,” he commanded.

   Raina sighed. At least they weren't as sore as the rest of her. She adjusted her bath tray and put Jared on speaker before placing the phone on its flat surface. Adding a little shower gel to her hands first she ran her palms over the wet skin, circling and kneading it just the way that Jared liked to. Her eyes closed and the edge of her lip caught behind her upper teeth. Despite her physical condition, she could feel things stirring in the pit of her stomach and it made the aches seem a little less.

   “Are you doing as I told you?” Jared's voice rang out in the steamy room.

   “Yes, Sir,” Raina murmured, hoping he wouldn't fail to notice the heavy tones of lust in her reply.

   “Good girl,” he told her. “Make sure you pay attention to those nipples. I want them hard as little jewels when you are done.”

   Raina kept her eyes closed and let her head fall back, It wasn't hard to imagine Jared here with her, not with his voice ringing out in the little room and the memory of lying against his chest in the big bathtub at his place. As she let the fantasy consume her her sighs and moans increased and her body began to tingle pleasantly. “They are ready for you Sir, just the way you like,” she offered. “I wish you were here with me. I wish I had that divine mouth of yours on them. I love the way you tease them.”

   Jared's voice was a honeyed growl when he replied. “And I love the way you whimper and moan when pull them between my teeth. I'd keep you in my bedroom at my private service all day every day if I could.”

   It was just a fantasy of course. She could never abandon her life so completely as to give her entire identity over to Jared. She knew that some couples did, that for them that was the optimal way to be in a relationship, but it wasn't for her. She suspected it wasn't for Jared either, in spite of his musings. It didn't hurt to fantasize, however, and she admitted the thought of spending days at his service, fulfilling his every whim did have a certain appeal to her. She didn't want to lose herself in submitting to him, but she wasn't sure how to find the balance she was looking for either.

   “Raina? Are you still with me, Princess?” Jared's dulcet tones pulled her back into the moment.

   “Yes, Sir. I'm sorry. I was just fantasizing about that suggestion.”

   “That's my girl. I knew you would like that,” he purred back. “Let's move one of those hands a little lower. Slide it down your stomach and to the inside of your thigh.”

   Anxiously Raina led her hand along the path he had prescribed. So much of her was tender now but she was dangerously close to the the most sensitive and abused parts. “Yes, Sir,” she exhaled, letting him know she had complied.

   “You sound tense, Raina,” he teased. “Are things a little sore there this evening?”

   “Yes Sir, you know that they are,”

   “And who got you into that situation baby girl?”

   “I did Sir”

   “So should I be denied use of what belongs to me because you made a bad decision?”

   “I....” Raina hesitated, her breathing rapid and shallow.

   “Answer me, Raina,”

   “No, sir,” Raina conceded.

   “Then I want those fingers on that pussy. You can be as gentle as you like but I want to hear you moan while you tease that tormented bud of yours.”

   Raina bit her lower lip before adjusting her hand and gliding it through the water and toward the aching flesh at her core. She hissed as her fingers brushed against her outer lips, but she didn't want to disobey Jared. Taking a few deep breaths she delved in between the folds, whimpering loudly when her fingertips connected with the sensitized bud of her clit.

   “Shhh, that's a good girl,” Jared murmured. “I just want you to remember that that is mine now. That means you'll touch it when I ask you to and only when I ask you to. You are not to touch yourself at any other time. Do you understand me, Raina?”

   Raina wondered briefly where that left Shannon in all this. But she understood a bit more clearly now that all of this exchange was an illusion. Jared would only ever have the power over her that she chose to give him, the control was a gift she ceded to him. What actually happened between Shannon and herself when Jared wasn't there wasn't the point. What he needed from her was that fantasy, that idea that he commanded her submission and devotion absolutely. She could pull the plug at any time, not just with a safe word but with every action. There was no need to lose herself. It was her that he wanted. He wanted her to be whole and strong and to give herself to him anyway. She desperately wanted that too, and she was becoming more and more comfortable with that each time she interacted with him. “I understand, Sir,” she finally replied.

   “Excellent. You may stop now,” he told her. Raina moved her hand away from her core and dried it off before picking her phone back up. “You're such a good girl,” he added.

   “Thank you, Sir,” Raina gushed. She was feeling warm and fuzzy, the bath and the wine mixing with the hormonal soup in her brain to give her a deep feeling of calm and happiness. “Would you like me to do anything else for you?”

   “No, that's fine. I just want you to finish your bath and get to bed nice and early. Get a good nights sleep for me baby girl.”

   “Good night, Jared,” Raina added wistfully before disconnecting the call.

   Once she had drained the bath and dressed in her pajamas she realized she hadn't eaten anything since lunch. As she popped into the kitchen for a quick bite she remembered that Wednesday was beer and pizza night with Cassie. She shot off a quick text inviting both Shannon and Jared to join her, figuring with their busy schedules she would do well to have even one of them show up. Then she made a quick sandwich, took a few more Tylenol, and climbed into bed.

[insecure-hbo-the-recaps]

hella blows

Previously on Insecure: Issa is cool with Daniel, but he knows what it is. She’s all about her hoe-tation. Molly’s dad cheated on Molly’s mom which made her feel stupid enough to sleep with Dro. Issa wanted to make sure Daniel knew they were both seeing other people.

Issa’s alarm goes off and at first it looks like she’s beyond late for work. But it’s something even worse than that: she has to get up to move her car out of designated parking to a free side of the street before she gets a ticket or tow. Ikr? About 65% of the reason I want to move out of my current neighborhood even though it’s a huge hassle. “Ay! Your bumper bout to fall off,” some idiot points out obliviously. “Thanks!” Issa trills in a curt “no duh” kind of way.

Molly is working late. Dro calls and she hesitates before answering, clearly not looking forward to it. She thinks they’re going to have a serious conversation but of course he is just calling to shoot the shit. I feel like probably unfairly this paints Dro as suspect? Who fucks their lifelong friend while in an open marriage and then calls like nothing is different? I get the counterargument that that may be WHY he would call and act like nothing is different. But I don’t trust these fools.

Molly gets a call on the other line, and tells Dro she has to go because it’s her mom. But rather than brace herself for the sure emotional baggage that would come from that, Molly actually doesn’t answer, and just sits there thinking about what a mess her life is. She and Dro apparently have plans to see each other the next day, which is ostensibly the real reason why he called.

Shout out to Issa’s superfluously woke outerwear. She’s wearing that sweatshirt with a somewhat less than casual long skirt by the way. She has no car, so she has to take the bus. She eyes some latino kid as though she recognizes him. He regards her awkwardly as if he recognizes her too. She slides Daniel a potential come thru text and heads into her apartment, bored and restless. She has an email for somethin called a “Sexplosion,” which is appealing to her in this moment of drudgery. She bored.

Deciding this particular boredom is not something she can merely abide, Issa figures maybe she’ll stop in on Neighbor Bae. Her bathroom freshen up routine consists of mouthwash and an aggressive verbal affirmation seminar. She’s one hundred percent gasssed up.

She obliviously heads downstairs and knocks on Neighbor Bae’s door. He is surprised to see her, but he’s clearly pretending not to know whether or not he asked her over, which is polite. Issa assumes her dropping by should be welcomed, but Eddie has company. He makes needlessly polite excuses when honestly he didn’t have to because who the fuck is Issa? Mama gotta have a life too.

Although Issa has to vent via mirror freestyle (“I could cry right now I’m so embarrassed and mad, I hope you can’t get it up and that her pussy is trash”) I mean, come on. Be reasonable. You’re going to have to get a much thicker skin and a lot more comfortable with rejection if you’re going to try to be about that ho life. And you know what, it’s not for everyone. I had a friend who for some reason thought she was this perfect princess in her mind when really when she’d tell me stories I’d be looking at her like this is some random bitch who will do cocaine with strangers on a first date and then fuck them on the way home so why you think you deserve a doctor husband though? The answer to that question is that she was white and therefore delusional, but the overall point is that not everybody can brave the harsh landscape of being single and dating, and if you try to fake it you’ll just end up crying at bars when men ask you why you’re single (which also happened to this friend).

I really hate when I take accidental pauses like this one lol:

As Issa irritatedly deals with not getting the dick she psyched herself up for, she gets a double whammy of rejection when Daniel answers her come thru text that he’s busy. Issa is not feeling singleness at this moment. There’s an interlude with Baby Voiced Darius where he asks her, just randomly for no reason, if she’s going to Target. “Why would I be?” Issa snaps. I mean, it’s a fair question. I’m potentially going to Target 40% of the time in any random day.

In some other cool, quirky, millennial loft in Los Angeles, Lawrence is making some kind of pitch to a motley group of assembled coworkers. So now we finally get some details on the elusive Woot Woot: “it aggregates all of your data, where you shop, where you eat, where you drink, and it makes recommendations based on that.” Motherfucker how is this any different from all the bullshit Netflix keeps recommending me 67 times that I’m not going to watch, or how google is so Big Brother on us now that if I’m watching or listening to something and decide to look up part of it, it can autocomplete my search based on less than one word? I mean to say… technology been way able to do that for a long time, bruh. Everyone cheers and applauds and Lawrence, in a very ugly navy cardigan, grins big at what seems like praise and encouragement of his idea. And… this was the idea he’d been working on while unemployed for two years? AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH “WOOT WOOT”?!

Two guys that I’m going to assume are Lawrence’s superiors are giving him feedback. Bosses in the start up world look like this:

I’m glad I’m not inclined to this field because it’s honestly not something that I think I would be able to take seriously lol. They say it’s great and they loved the presentation. While their feedback sounds positive and Lawrence obviously thinks it’s a vote of confidence, if you listen closely they’re doing nothing but praising him individually and offering compliments to the fact that he is working hard and competently, not praising the viability of his work specifically. They make no comments whatsoever about the app being a good idea or potential product. Then, just to underscore the fact that they are Clueless White People, the fat guy asks Lawrence about his shoes, and calls them fly. I would take issue that at this point it seems like the show just makes fun of white people just to mock them and make white people as a whole unsympathetic but on the other hand… white people stay doing fake bonding shit like this when they don’t have to, so if they look bad, then, motherfuckers, stop doing the shit.

Where do you suppose Issa and Molly are? I’m at a loss as to whether this is a Chinese restaurant, a really shitty travel agency, or somewhere where you can get your eyebrows waxed for eight dollars. Molly is telling Issa she’s worried that she may have fucked up her friendship with Dro, and Issa points out that that wouldn’t be surprising considering that she fucked her friend. I think that it’s nice just a couple episodes ago Molly was having this talk with Issa, and now Issa’s having it with Molly.

It turns out they’re in a mechanic waiting room while Issa gets an estimate to fix her car. Molly opines that Dro is the only person/man who’s seen her at her worst so why would she go and complicate things this way? And the way I feel about that is… if you start fucking a married man you really can’t be thinking about any of this shit where he may potentially be a person that is anything other than a married man. Remind me again that at some point during this story line I take a complete break to tell y'all about how I was fucking a married man. The point is anyway that Molly is doing the most emotionally when you’d think it would be easy to understand that in a situation like this specifically you need to do your best to chill. Her current thought is to tell Dro she doesn’t want it to happen again when they hang out later that night.The mechanic comes back and tells Issa they’ll have to order parts to do the repairs (which duh she’s getting body work done) and it’ll be about 5500. Issa balks at that price tag.

Remember in the previous episode where Molly and Issa talked about a vacation? Molly still wants to go (listing a bunch of countries and islands that start with M, prompting Issa to chide annoyedly “there are other places with other letters”) seemingly oblivious to the fact that if Issa can’t afford to repair her car, she can’t afford to go on vacation. In hindsight, this show really put a LOT of effort into very deliberate continuity between episodes, for really small things.

Issa is frustrated because she had been doing really well with all her various life parts and now all of them seem to be scattering out abruptly. She’s still having trouble accepting that men she’s seeing casually aren’t just available for her whenever she wants them to be. Ok so… how are you saying you want Daniel to know to stay in his place, and you want Mexican Bae not to expect anything from you, but you want them to be willing to do whatever you want when you want it? Again: be reasonable sis. If you’re gonna dish it out then obviously you have to take it back too. Then she acknowledges sex with her is mediocre and, again, this is where she loses me. I don’t think I would ever describe sex with me as “acceptable” except on occasions when I know I am making no effort to leave an impression. Come on now. Half the dudes I got to stick around as adults - when sex is less of an issue and everyone has more baggage - is probably 80% because sex was the only draw. And I’m partially joking (clearly I have the delusionally high self esteem of a complete asshole and I like it that way), but seriously it’s something that you have to think about as you get older. The Panties Card gets flimsier and flimsier, until it is no longer a guaranteed bargaining chip to maintain someone’s attention which frankly was news to me.

Back at the super cool Los Angeles tech start up, Lawrence stops by Arpana’s desk and playfully asks her questions around what he should do with his impending takeover of the app world. Arpana makes this face:

Clearly she is clued into what Lawrence is not, which is that the presentation did not go as well as he thought it did. She tells him he should lower his expectations, because she doesn’t think Woot Woot is viable: it felt outdated. Speaking of delusional self esteem, Lawrence cooly replies that it’s fine if she doesn’t see the vision and who cares because she’s not the one greenlighting it anyway. As he gets up to leave, Arpana adds that clearly the bosses weren’t into it like they were some other app where they asked questions and dug through the pitch looking for flaws then scheduled a follow up. It slowly sinks in on Lawrence that maybe she has a point, but when she says “it’s like they didn’t want to offend you,” Lawrence puts his defenses back up and tells her that she’s entitled to her opinion. While I don’t approve of Lawrence’s childish blindspots, I do approve of his polite passive aggressive work rebuttals. (Professional environments love passive aggression.)

Laker bar. Molly shows up for her date with Dro, nervous about the speech she plans to drop. She awkwardly explains that she feels like things are different though objectively Dro’s behavior doesn’t seem in any way out of the ordinary. He tells her she’s being dramatic and to calm the fuck down. They playfully joke about french fries and apparently that’s all it took to defuse the tension.

The tension was so de-fused that they went back to Molly’s place after the game to offer us another excellently choreographed sex scene. A.) Molly’s headboard is everything (quality headboards are not in reach of everyone’s financial adult life, sigh) and b.) of all the ones we’ve seen so far I think Molly’s sex scenes are the only ones that are actually sexy.

Meanwhile, Issa has invited Mexican Bae over to her place. She doesn’t really want to date him, so this is all a ruse to hopefully get some dick. As she makes pointed conversation drawing attention to her visible bra and the obscene shortness of her skirt, at this point it’s like… do you even actually want some dick or is this just about proving a point? Like are you actually horny and wanting to get fucked? Nico plays along politely, even ignoring her obvious come ons. We are then treated to an awkward scene where Nico wants to treat Issa like a person and she wants to treat him like a conquest. It’s painful to witness.

Issa decides to try a more direct move and just initiates kissing. Nico tries to bring the date back around to their dinner reservations. I feel like the fact that he’s meant to be fairly older than Issa is supposed to play into this. Issa goes so far as to try to bypass this, and when Nico tells her to slow down - “I really like you and I don’t want to rush past this, I want to get to know you” - it just makes Issa angry. Even then, Nico is STILL WILLING to go out to dinner, but Issa apparently is too prideful for this so she flatly rejects him and watches him leave. Sigh. I do understand where she’s coming from, I do. But she’s going about it all the wrong way - very defensively and insecurely. (Oh! I get it now! Ba dum bum.)

Back at Molly’s, she and Dro are doing the post coital thing. He points out that she said she didn’t want to do this anymore. Molly is clearly in a dick haze because her defenses are vastly lowered. She wants to know the boundaries of their non-relationship but Dro is all cool and aloof. He does tell her he isn’t looking for a second side piece which you’d think considering the circumstances would clue her into how ridiculous a conversation this is. She’s asking a married man whether he wants to fuck other women on the side of his wife, isn’t that inherently answering its own question?

Anyway Dro says that Candace knows they are sleeping together and in fact it was her idea to open the relationship. Or so he says. Molly, like a fool, just wants to indulge her butterflies. Her caution is just lip service. She wanted to be told what she wanted to hear.

Another day at work, Lawrence decides to stop by the bosses’ office - where they are standing at waist high desks instead of sitting - and follow up regarding his presentation. Recalling Arpana’s words, he asks whetehr they have any feedback regarding his Woot Woot pitch. I really like the way they framed this shot:

as they shoot each other uncomfortable looks at being put on the spot. Lawrence is speaking in terms of how to to move forward with a viable project, but the bosses do nothing but offer more empty compliments. They have no additional thoughts that would signify any real concerns that would be relevant were this to be an actual project they undertook. The fat boss says they love having his “perspective and input” which delicately suggests Lawrence is there as a diversity hire and not as a real and valuable part of the team. “You bring a lot to the team,” the skinny guy says. The fat guy gives a typically encouraging bullshit line of being excited to see “Lawrence 2.0” and the skinny guy laughs sycophantically. If Lawrence still doesn’t get it, the fact that they overcompensate about his shoes again (“what store did you get those from again?”) should leave him in no doubt. Emasculating… no? (I have far too many thoughts on this subject so let’s move on. They aren’t particularly original, so I’ll spare you.)

Sexplosion. Hey! There are strippers doing pole tricks and chocolatey penis cakes so… what is Tiffany’s job again that this is a thing she does? Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany stroll up and take a bunch of free condoms. Issa thinks Molly broke things off with Dro because she asks why she needs condoms. They talk about barriers for oral sex and I just remembered this is the episode where they have the problematic, regressive conversation about oral sex.

So, let’s just get this out of the way: Tiffany, the only married one who is clearly the most whitewashed of the group, is the only one to openly acknowledge she loves giving blowjobs. Kelli doesn’t do it wholesale, Issa doesn’t like to do it, and Molly gives the Carrie Bradshaw (because of course this was a conversation on SEASON ONE of sex and the city) response of how it’s not her favorite but she’s flexible. Question: is this what black women are still on in the streets?

Being called a “ho” and ostracized for having any kind of sexuality is something that I left behind in high school once I was an adult and didn’t see any reason to need my choices validated by gossip and/or people I didn’t know. And the conservative quasi-religious culture of patriarchal standards and misogynist perspectives is something I completely abandoned in grad school when the only black men around that wanted to date me behaved like the shit I’d left behind in high school and I realized I was totally unfamiliar with any other cultural norms. I’m not going to go off on a tangent to get to the bottom line that I would hope this is not still a widespread understanding amongst young black women these days though I would not be entirely surprised if it were. I want to sum it up as so: when I exclusively dated black men some of the time I’d be sleeping with a guy who would refuse to ever kiss me, for apparently no reason whatsoever other than it was culturally normal. I was surprised when I started dating white men and they really do want to wake up and kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning. I slept with a motherfucker all four years of undergrad who never went down on me ONCE. Like, I can’t - I feel like I’m biased and I don’t want to preach from that perspective, so I’m not even going to dig into this.

I will say this - I don’t know how the fuck you expect to successfully date as an adult when you have whole chunks of sexual entrees completely off the menu - for WHATEVER ideological reason - yet continue to think you are dating as a normal person. It’s a hang up. Call it a hang up and accept it.

The next day, Molly is reading an article by Serena Williams about closing the pay gap. Damn, that makes me feel bad. Her mom is still calling and leaving voicemails. At an office across town, Lawrence makes amends with Arpana by acknowledging “Woot Woot” is dead. He tells her she was right, and also there was a racial component to their behavior. Arpana bonds with him as a WOC. Lawrence finally starts to accept he was wrong about his app. They both slowly realize there’s some attraction there that might go somewhere, sometime soon. Every single Woot Woot joke this show has made has been hilarious.

Issa is at Daniel’s listening to some song he produced. It sounds good. Issa says it has a black Daft Punk vibe whiiiiich… it sounds good and nothing like Daft Punk at the same time. They have a moment about how apparently Issa likes champagne with a shot of Jameson. That’s new. They are very flirty and comfortable and eventually start kissing. Issa pushes him down on the couch and as they start to undress, she stops him and gets down on her knees. Speaking of hang ups, I refused to ever give a blowjob literally on my knees, until I started playing it up as an ego thing.

Somewhere across town, Molly is also having a sexy night, in some fancy sterile bathroom taking a bubble bath while Dro sits on the edge of the tub. Before they get too far along, Dro gets a text from his wife who has accidentally locked herself out of their home. Molly is disappointed, and plays it off badly. They were doing a fancy hotel thing ordering in romantic shit which… I mean, I don’t know, if they like it then I’ll abide it silently. Have taken a bath with a guy I was casually sleeping with though. The water was so hot we were both sweating and the wine glasses were fogging up. He asked me how my day was and when I started to reply he started using his fingers on me, but ordered me to keep talking. That dude and I were basically hate fucking, but that moment was always sexy as hell to me.

Back at Daniel’s he is impressed with Issa’s blowjob skills. And then this sequence of events happens: he’s about to come, and he grabs Issa’s head, somehow holding it in place until:

Look! I took a screenshot for you! Bwahahahaha. Seriously how would that work logistically? He’s holding her head down, so he… strategically pulls it up and manages to put it in exactly the right place so that he could shoot her in the eye? Issa is pissed. Daniel acts like he doesn’t know why she’s upset. Issa is so mad she’s incoherent, and forcefully pushes him away when he tries to touch her. Issa’s anger is on one level due to the aforementioned hangups about blowjobs - she said she felt like once you sucked a dude’s dick he felt like he conquered you and relegated you to ho status - but on another level, Daniel is rude as fuck and it is NEVER ok to do a facial without express consent. Her anger is justified, even if it is a bit exacerbated by other issues. Any man who is not an ain’t-shit knows it’s rude to come in your mouth without permission LET ALONE ON YOUR FACE! Hell I’ve dated men that wouldn’t come on me even when I asked, or my ex who would always pull away without my asking, even though I didn’t give a goddamn WHERE he came, EVER. Like, Daniel’s rude as fuck.

So, Issa tells him fuck you and leaves. She ends up hovering around a gas station waiting for her Uber pool that already has two people in it, holding a wet towel to her eye. “Issa?” the driver asks. “Issa car pool!” and everyone laughs except Issa because she’s tired of getting the idea that she’s the butt of every joke.

[insecure-hbo-recaps]

hella blows

Previously on Insecure: Issa is cool with Daniel, but he knows what it is. She's all about her hoe-tation. Molly's dad cheated on Molly's mom which made her feel stupid enough to sleep with Dro. Issa wanted to make sure Daniel knew they were both seeing other people.

Issa's alarm goes off and at first it looks like she's beyond late for work. But it's something even worse than that: she has to get up to move her car out of designated parking to a free side of the street before she gets a ticket or tow. Ikr? About 65% of the reason I want to move out of my current neighborhood even though it's a huge hassle. "Ay! Your bumper bout to fall off," some idiot points out obliviously. "Thanks!" Issa trills in a curt "no duh" kind of way.

Molly is working late. Dro calls and she hesitates before answering, clearly not looking forward to it. She thinks they're going to have a serious conversation but of course he is just calling to shoot the shit. I feel like probably unfairly this paints Dro as suspect? Who fucks their lifelong friend while in an open marriage and then calls like nothing is different? I get the counterargument that that may be WHY he would call and act like nothing is different. But I don't trust these fools.

Molly gets a call on the other line, and tells Dro she has to go because it's her mom. But rather than brace herself for the sure emotional baggage that would come from that, Molly actually doesn't answer, and just sits there thinking about what a mess her life is. She and Dro apparently have plans to see each other the next day, which is ostensibly the real reason why he called.

Shout out to Issa's superfluously woke outerwear. She's wearing that sweatshirt with a somewhat less than casual long skirt by the way. She has no car, so she has to take the bus. She eyes some latino kid as though she recognizes him. He regards her awkwardly as if he recognizes her too. She slides Daniel a potential come thru text and heads into her apartment, bored and restless. She has an email for somethin called a "Sexplosion," which is appealing to her in this moment of drudgery. She bored.

Deciding this particular boredom is not something she can merely abide, Issa figures maybe she'll stop in on Neighbor Bae. Her bathroom freshen up routine consists of mouthwash and an aggressive verbal affirmation seminar. She's one hundred percent gasssed up.

She obliviously heads downstairs and knocks on Neighbor Bae's door. He is surprised to see her, but he's clearly pretending not to know whether or not he asked her over, which is polite. Issa assumes her dropping by should be welcomed, but Eddie has company. He makes needlessly polite excuses when honestly he didn't have to because who the fuck is Issa? Mama gotta have a life too.

Although Issa has to vent via mirror freestyle ("I could cry right now I'm so embarrassed and mad, I hope you can't get it up and that her pussy is trash") I mean, come on. Be reasonable. You're going to have to get a much thicker skin and a lot more comfortable with rejection if you're going to try to be about that ho life. And you know what, it's not for everyone. I had a friend who for some reason thought she was this perfect princess in her mind when really when she'd tell me stories I'd be looking at her like this is some random bitch who will do cocaine with strangers on a first date and then fuck them on the way home so why you think you deserve a doctor husband though? The answer to that question is that she was white and therefore delusional, but the overall point is that not everybody can brave the harsh landscape of being single and dating, and if you try to fake it you'll just end up crying at bars when men ask you why you're single (which also happened to this friend).

I really hate when I take accidental pauses like this one lol:

As Issa irritatedly deals with not getting the dick she psyched herself up for, she gets a double whammy of rejection when Daniel answers her come thru text that he's busy. Issa is not feeling singleness at this moment. There's an interlude with Baby Voiced Darius where he asks her, just randomly for no reason, if she's going to Target. "Why would I be?" Issa snaps. I mean, it's a fair question. I'm potentially going to Target 40% of the time in any random day.

In some other cool, quirky, millennial loft in Los Angeles, Lawrence is making some kind of pitch to a motley group of assembled coworkers. So now we finally get some details on the elusive Woot Woot: "it aggregates all of your data, where you shop, where you eat, where you drink, and it makes recommendations based on that." Motherfucker how is this any different from all the bullshit Netflix keeps recommending me 67 times that I'm not going to watch, or how google is so Big Brother on us now that if I'm watching or listening to something and decide to look up part of it, it can autocomplete my search based on less than one word? I mean to say... technology been way able to do that for a long time, bruh. Everyone cheers and applauds and Lawrence, in a very ugly navy cardigan, grins big at what seems like praise and encouragement of his idea. And... this was the idea he'd been working on while unemployed for two years? AND WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH "WOOT WOOT"?!

Two guys that I'm going to assume are Lawrence's superiors are giving him feedback. Bosses in the start up world look like this:

I'm glad I'm not inclined to this field because it's honestly not something that I think I would be able to take seriously lol. They say it's great and they loved the presentation. While their feedback sounds positive and Lawrence obviously thinks it's a vote of confidence, if you listen closely they're doing nothing but praising him individually and offering compliments to the fact that he is working hard and competently, not praising the viability of his work specifically. They make no comments whatsoever about the app being a good idea or potential product. Then, just to underscore the fact that they are Clueless White People, the fat guy asks Lawrence about his shoes, and calls them fly. I would take issue that at this point it seems like the show just makes fun of white people just to mock them and make white people as a whole unsympathetic but on the other hand... white people stay doing fake bonding shit like this when they don't have to, so if they look bad, then, motherfuckers, stop doing the shit.

Where do you suppose Issa and Molly are? I'm at a loss as to whether this is a Chinese restaurant, a really shitty travel agency, or somewhere where you can get your eyebrows waxed for eight dollars. Molly is telling Issa she's worried that she may have fucked up her friendship with Dro, and Issa points out that that wouldn't be surprising considering that she fucked her friend. I think that it's nice just a couple episodes ago Molly was having this talk with Issa, and now Issa's having it with Molly.

It turns out they're in a mechanic waiting room while Issa gets an estimate to fix her car. Molly opines that Dro is the only person/man who's seen her at her worst so why would she go and complicate things this way? And the way I feel about that is... if you start fucking a married man you really can't be thinking about any of this shit where he may potentially be a person that is anything other than a married man. Remind me again that at some point during this story line I take a complete break to tell y'all about how I was fucking a married man. The point is anyway that Molly is doing the most emotionally when you'd think it would be easy to understand that in a situation like this specifically you need to do your best to chill. Her current thought is to tell Dro she doesn't want it to happen again when they hang out later that night.The mechanic comes back and tells Issa they'll have to order parts to do the repairs (which duh she's getting body work done) and it'll be about 5500. Issa balks at that price tag.

Remember in the previous episode where Molly and Issa talked about a vacation? Molly still wants to go (listing a bunch of countries and islands that start with M, prompting Issa to chide annoyedly "there are other places with other letters") seemingly oblivious to the fact that if Issa can't afford to repair her car, she can't afford to go on vacation. In hindsight, this show really put a LOT of effort into very deliberate continuity between episodes, for really small things.

Issa is frustrated because she had been doing really well with all her various life parts and now all of them seem to be scattering out abruptly. She's still having trouble accepting that men she's seeing casually aren't just available for her whenever she wants them to be. Ok so... how are you saying you want Daniel to know to stay in his place, and you want Mexican Bae not to expect anything from you, but you want them to be willing to do whatever you want when you want it? Again: be reasonable sis. If you're gonna dish it out then obviously you have to take it back too. Then she acknowledges sex with her is mediocre and, again, this is where she loses me. I don't think I would ever describe sex with me as "acceptable" except on occasions when I know I am making no effort to leave an impression. Come on now. Half the dudes I got to stick around as adults - when sex is less of an issue and everyone has more baggage - is probably 80% because sex was the only draw. And I'm partially joking (clearly I have the delusionally high self esteem of a complete asshole and I like it that way), but seriously it's something that you have to think about as you get older. The Panties Card gets flimsier and flimsier, until it is no longer a guaranteed bargaining chip to maintain someone's attention which frankly was news to me.

Back at the super cool Los Angeles tech start up, Lawrence stops by Arpana's desk and playfully asks her questions around what he should do with his impending takeover of the app world. Arpana makes this face:

Clearly she is clued into what Lawrence is not, which is that the presentation did not go as well as he thought it did. She tells him he should lower his expectations, because she doesn't think Woot Woot is viable: it felt outdated. Speaking of delusional self esteem, Lawrence cooly replies that it's fine if she doesn't see the vision and who cares because she's not the one greenlighting it anyway. As he gets up to leave, Arpana adds that clearly the bosses weren't into it like they were some other app where they asked questions and dug through the pitch looking for flaws then scheduled a follow up. It slowly sinks in on Lawrence that maybe she has a point, but when she says "it's like they didn't want to offend you," Lawrence puts his defenses back up and tells her that she's entitled to her opinion. While I don't approve of Lawrence's childish blindspots, I do approve of his polite passive aggressive work rebuttals. (Professional environments love passive aggression.)

Laker bar. Molly shows up for her date with Dro, nervous about the speech she plans to drop. She awkwardly explains that she feels like things are different though objectively Dro's behavior doesn't seem in any way out of the ordinary. He tells her she's being dramatic and to calm the fuck down. They playfully joke about french fries and apparently that's all it took to defuse the tension.

The tension was so de-fused that they went back to Molly's place after the game to offer us another excellently choreographed sex scene. A.) Molly's headboard is everything (quality headboards are not in reach of everyone's financial adult life, sigh) and b.) of all the ones we've seen so far I think Molly's sex scenes are the only ones that are actually sexy.

Meanwhile, Issa has invited Mexican Bae over to her place. She doesn't really want to date him, so this is all a ruse to hopefully get some dick. As she makes pointed conversation drawing attention to her visible bra and the obscene shortness of her skirt, at this point it's like... do you even actually want some dick or is this just about proving a point? Like are you actually horny and wanting to get fucked? Nico plays along politely, even ignoring her obvious come ons. We are then treated to an awkward scene where Nico wants to treat Issa like a person and she wants to treat him like a conquest. It's painful to witness.

Issa decides to try a more direct move and just initiates kissing. Nico tries to bring the date back around to their dinner reservations. I feel like the fact that he's meant to be fairly older than Issa is supposed to play into this. Issa goes so far as to try to bypass this, and when Nico tells her to slow down - "I really like you and I don't want to rush past this, I want to get to know you" - it just makes Issa angry. Even then, Nico is STILL WILLING to go out to dinner, but Issa apparently is too prideful for this so she flatly rejects him and watches him leave. Sigh. I do understand where she's coming from, I do. But she's going about it all the wrong way - very defensively and insecurely. (Oh! I get it now! Ba dum bum.)

Back at Molly's, she and Dro are doing the post coital thing. He points out that she said she didn't want to do this anymore. Molly is clearly in a dick haze because her defenses are vastly lowered. She wants to know the boundaries of their non-relationship but Dro is all cool and aloof. He does tell her he isn't looking for a second side piece which you'd think considering the circumstances would clue her into how ridiculous a conversation this is. She's asking a married man whether he wants to fuck other women on the side of his wife, isn't that inherently answering its own question?

Anyway Dro says that Candace knows they are sleeping together and in fact it was her idea to open the relationship. Or so he says. Molly, like a fool, just wants to indulge her butterflies. Her caution is just lip service. She wanted to be told what she wanted to hear.

Another day at work, Lawrence decides to stop by the bosses' office - where they are standing at waist high desks instead of sitting - and follow up regarding his presentation. Recalling Arpana's words, he asks whetehr they have any feedback regarding his Woot Woot pitch. I really like the way they framed this shot:

as they shoot each other uncomfortable looks at being put on the spot. Lawrence is speaking in terms of how to to move forward with a viable project, but the bosses do nothing but offer more empty compliments. They have no additional thoughts that would signify any real concerns that would be relevant were this to be an actual project they undertook. The fat boss says they love having his "perspective and input" which delicately suggests Lawrence is there as a diversity hire and not as a real and valuable part of the team. "You bring a lot to the team," the skinny guy says. The fat guy gives a typically encouraging bullshit line of being excited to see "Lawrence 2.0" and the skinny guy laughs sycophantically. If Lawrence still doesn't get it, the fact that they overcompensate about his shoes again ("what store did you get those from again?") should leave him in no doubt. Emasculating... no? (I have far too many thoughts on this subject so let's move on. They aren't particularly original, so I'll spare you.)

Sexplosion. Hey! There are strippers doing pole tricks and chocolatey penis cakes so... what is Tiffany's job again that this is a thing she does? Issa, Molly, Kelli, and Tiffany stroll up and take a bunch of free condoms. Issa thinks Molly broke things off with Dro because she asks why she needs condoms. They talk about barriers for oral sex and I just remembered this is the episode where they have the problematic, regressive conversation about oral sex.

So, let's just get this out of the way: Tiffany, the only married one who is clearly the most whitewashed of the group, is the only one to openly acknowledge she loves giving blowjobs. Kelli doesn't do it wholesale, Issa doesn't like to do it, and Molly gives the Carrie Bradshaw (because of course this was a conversation on SEASON ONE of sex and the city) response of how it's not her favorite but she's flexible. Question: is this what black women are still on in the streets?

Being called a "ho" and ostracized for having any kind of sexuality is something that I left behind in high school once I was an adult and didn't see any reason to need my choices validated by gossip and/or people I didn't know. And the conservative quasi-religious culture of patriarchal standards and misogynist perspectives is something I completely abandoned in grad school when the only black men around that wanted to date me behaved like the shit I'd left behind in high school and I realized I was totally unfamiliar with any other cultural norms. I'm not going to go off on a tangent to get to the bottom line that I would hope this is not still a widespread understanding amongst young black women these days though I would not be entirely surprised if it were. I want to sum it up as so: when I exclusively dated black men some of the time I'd be sleeping with a guy who would refuse to ever kiss me, for apparently no reason whatsoever other than it was culturally normal. I was surprised when I started dating white men and they really do want to wake up and kiss you on the mouth first thing in the morning. I slept with a motherfucker all four years of undergrad who never went down on me ONCE. Like, I can't - I feel like I'm biased and I don't want to preach from that perspective, so I'm not even going to dig into this.

I will say this - I don't know how the fuck you expect to successfully date as an adult when you have whole chunks of sexual entrees completely off the menu - for WHATEVER ideological reason - yet continue to think you are dating as a normal person. It's a hang up. Call it a hang up and accept it.

The next day, Molly is reading an article by Serena Williams about closing the pay gap. Damn, that makes me feel bad. Her mom is still calling and leaving voicemails. At an office across town, Lawrence makes amends with Arpana by acknowledging "Woot Woot" is dead. He tells her she was right, and also there was a racial component to their behavior. Arpana bonds with him as a WOC. Lawrence finally starts to accept he was wrong about his app. They both slowly realize there's some attraction there that might go somewhere, sometime soon. Every single Woot Woot joke this show has made has been hilarious.

Issa is at Daniel's listening to some song he produced. It sounds good. Issa says it has a black Daft Punk vibe whiiiiich... it sounds good and nothing like Daft Punk at the same time. They have a moment about how apparently Issa likes champagne with a shot of Jameson. That's new. They are very flirty and comfortable and eventually start kissing. Issa pushes him down on the couch and as they start to undress, she stops him and gets down on her knees. Speaking of hang ups, I refused to ever give a blowjob literally on my knees, until I started playing it up as an ego thing.

Somewhere across town, Molly is also having a sexy night, in some fancy sterile bathroom taking a bubble bath while Dro sits on the edge of the tub. Before they get too far along, Dro gets a text from his wife who has accidentally locked herself out of their home. Molly is disappointed, and plays it off badly. They were doing a fancy hotel thing ordering in romantic shit which... I mean, I don't know, if they like it then I'll abide it silently. Have taken a bath with a guy I was casually sleeping with though. The water was so hot we were both sweating and the wine glasses were fogging up. He asked me how my day was and when I started to reply he started using his fingers on me, but ordered me to keep talking. That dude and I were basically hate fucking, but that moment was always sexy as hell to me.

Back at Daniel's he is impressed with Issa's blowjob skills. And then this sequence of events happens: he's about to come, and he grabs Issa's head, somehow holding it in place until:

Look! I took a screenshot for you! Bwahahahaha. Seriously how would that work logistically? He's holding her head down, so he... strategically pulls it up and manages to put it in exactly the right place so that he could shoot her in the eye? Issa is pissed. Daniel acts like he doesn't know why she's upset. Issa is so mad she's incoherent, and forcefully pushes him away when he tries to touch her. Issa's anger is on one level due to the aforementioned hangups about blowjobs - she said she felt like once you sucked a dude's dick he felt like he conquered you and relegated you to ho status - but on another level, Daniel is rude as fuck and it is NEVER ok to do a facial without express consent. Her anger is justified, even if it is a bit exacerbated by other issues. Any man who is not an ain't-shit knows it's rude to come in your mouth without permission LET ALONE ON YOUR FACE! Hell I've dated men that wouldn't come on me even when I asked, or my ex who would always pull away without my asking, even though I didn't give a goddamn WHERE he came, EVER. Like, Daniel's rude as fuck.

So, Issa tells him fuck you and leaves. She ends up hovering around a gas station waiting for her Uber pool that already has two people in it, holding a wet towel to her eye. "Issa?" the driver asks. "Issa car pool!" and everyone laughs except Issa because she's tired of getting the idea that she's the butt of every joke.

[startselectscreen]

Fire Emblem Three Houses Video Game Review

FOUR STARS OUT OF FIVE Ever since the GBA version of Fire Emblem, I instantly became a fan of this franchise because it’s an anime RPG and tactics game done right. Granted there a number of other great tactics games out there like the X-COM franchise or Into the Breach but they never clicked on me, the fact that, within every Fire Emblem game, whether it’s the cast of characters that you S-Link with or trying to rather be rash on your decisions and kill off your characters in a fantasy-related setting is the reason why I love this series. The fact is that back in the GBA games, it autosaves every single time you move/attack the opponent or make one wrong move and one of your characters will receive a fatal blow just put me on the edge. I just love the meticulousness to it, it’s like a game of chess without the timer.

When I heard that Fire Emblem was coming to Switch, I was overjoyed, the previous 3DS games, Awakening, Fates and Echoes has been fantastic and never ceased to amaze me. It is a shame that Fates has multiple versions that you have to purchase (Birthright, Conquest and Revelation which is DLC) to play in new playthroughs much like the Pokemon games. However it does not fault the immense rich anime medieval fantasy story with a set of lovable characters with a support system, excellent music and sound and tactful situations in the battlefield where you have to think on your feet to counter your opponents utilizing the strengths and weaknesses of the weapon triangle (sword > axe > lance) and magic/others as well. These games just make great decisions on their tactics-based system, you have to really think before you act and mobilize your units carefully without the threat of getting flanked by wyverns/pegasus or have mages trying to pick off your units during their turn.

Now released to the Switch, Fire Emblem: Three Houses is the sixteenth main game to the FE franchise with a plethora of new features capable of the switch hardware. The story plays like the other games, as Byleth (which is the default name whether male/female) who comes off like the stereotypical amnesic but in a dream encounters a mysterious, green-haired girl, Sothis who has the ability to rewind time. This is caused by Byleth’s rash decision after defeating most of the bandits with the help of your mercenary father, Jeralt and three companions from the officer academy in Garreg Mach Monastery, Edelgard, Dimitri and Claude - by sacrificing yourself when the bandit leader almost strike down Edelgard which prompts Sothis to rewind time so that you can make a better decision (pretty much similar to the game play). Anyways, under a number of circumstances, the three persuades the player to become an instructor in this monastery academy where you have to teach students from three specific houses that of which you have to choose; whether it’s Edelgard’s Black Eagles, Dimitri’s Blue Lions or Claude’s Golden Deer, the choice is up to the player to decide. It has become apparent that this crucial choice will affect all of these ruling nations that surrounded this educational and religious institution where you have to instruct and level up your students against the impending enemies that terrorized it.

With that aside, it feels like an anime Game of Thrones in which “if you play GoT, you’ll either win or die” attitude going on with this game. It’s pretty much Lannister against Baratheon against Targaryen, all done with to political maneuvers and intrigue than differs from the fairy-tale, evil versus good, that the other games have. It starts off as innocent, you’re an instructor in this academy teaching your students to become nobles or join the ranks in the army and then fight off bandits but then slaps you with this and decides to take a dark turn. I mean, after beating the game, there are many questions that are left unsolved, questions that other FE games have answered with NPCs that “seems” to be the villain but then it feels like some sort of red herring to the actual part of the story that you decide to take. With the story involving crests, much like bloodlines from the previous games, it feels like only bad shit will happen with nobles in your house that you chose that transform people into monsters.. Well less bloodlines from the previous games, I have to admit. It’s just upsetting to me that the story doesn’t have their priorities straight and will have some main threat disappear within half of the game and never mentioned and crests are to blame for the stories’ decision to have fatal and nonsensical decisions in which that game have less of a recruit option but I guess that’s the result of the lack of befriending them in the first place in free roam. 

It does not hinder the cast of characters that you decide to pick when you chose a specific house. The Black Eagles, as dark and evil looking as they are, has the most entertaining and wide arrange of characters that you can befriend with the support system whether in the battlefield or in this new free roaming feature where it plays like an JRPG in which you can travel around the monastery doing quests from NPCs, increase your skills’ stats from other instructors, motivating and increasing support, your students by gifting them items, eating together, sharing tea, participating in weapon tournaments, gardening, choir singing to increase your magic skills  and so on. Although this is limited by a number of activity points that you will receive by professor level which is just like your other skills’ stats, gaining experience from some of these activities. Speaking of, roaming around the monastery feels like a boring thing to do, so they included fast travel to any parts of the map, provided that you discovered it or any quest givers that give out missions for you to do. After spending all your activity points, you can end the day 

I also forget that like an RPG, there are dialogue choices which can affect the game in crucial moments during the main story. It’s like the Bioware games, where you can be locked out in this particular story thread losing potential characters. It can also affect character’s motivation based on the correct dialogue and other perks and downsides. It’s a nice touch to have these dialogue options but Byleth, the character that you are playing seems to be this toxic or less uplifting character that you really can’t have the freedom to make to desire choice and it’s frustrating to hear his/her responses to those moments. 

As an instructor, you are tasked with teaching your students, every start of the week, in this new mode where you can increase your students’ grade skills ranging from weapons, magic, riding and so on. They gain XP based on their motivation meter (white, red, yellow and green) to learn that you can increase with activities and gifts within your free-roam in the monastery. When you and your students in the battlefield level up, you will gain seals that will change their unit class, which all of your students start off as commoners and nobles. There is a certification exam, alongside with the appropriate, minimal level that you get successfully upgrade your unit into a different, more powerful class. Now, each seal have four tiers (beginner, intermediate, advanced and master) that will unlock once you hit the appropriate level and the percentage is judged by the skill requirements of that specific class to unlock whether its upgrading from lance soldier to a cavalier or a mage to a warlock, it’s like the previous games but with some more requirements. In addition, there are seminars where you can increase you own skills by placing one of students or other recruitable NPCs, increasing your skills. Also, if one of your students increase a specific skill whether its in battle or during lecture, they will decide on a class-specific goal where they need your approval, through dialogue to either change and go back to the original goal of becoming a new class or not.. 

The game feels like a vision of real life fantasy featuring this somewhat Calendar feature where you attend class from Monday and Friday and then have a day off to free roam around the campus/monastery. Specific dates on the weekends (my guess is Saturday) have different events whether it’s a class-based tournament that will reward you items or any related activities that will greatly affect your student’s motivation and skills. And also there is activity points separate from free roam in Battle Mode where you can able to spend on paralogue missions or given by quest givers. 

The battle system is fully 3D much like Radiant Dawn for the Gamecube where you can change camera perspectives from top down to third person as detailed as ever. The gameplay feels like the previous Fire Emblem games, at the start you can change and pick whatever characters fits for the mission and see your opponents are in the map. Each class your opponents has on the battlefield has its strengths and weaknesses and you have to combat them with the right class (for example; archers are effective against fliers and armored units are weak against magic). As it is a Fire Emblem game, there are not only class-based units that you fight against, there are monsters/demons that can prove to be a challenge. They are called crest monsters that range from giant wolves, birds to loathsome, towering golems that not only have multiple health bars to kill them but a barrier around them that will soften your attacks before damaging you very hard. It makes the gameplay more challenging even on normal mode where you have to pick what units that have strong stats (even though you can rely on your two main characters) and support units to break down those barriers before you go for the kill and even then, you have to do it two or three times. 

 It is also noted that during missions, the weapon triangle is less of an importance which was the “cream-crop” of these games and based it more towards the combat arts that can increase your damage against specific classes (rider classes or magic users), sacrificing your weapon’s degradation in return by a lot. However, after beating the game, the combat arts just feels useless to me as normal attacks do more damage when wielding better weapons, so that they don’t deteriorate and break down. This game removes the link together units to boost support link as well as stats in battle, they introduce a battalion feature where you can recruit a specific force that can also gain levels alongside stats to boost the effectiveness of your core units. Furthermore, each battalion has a specific gambit perk that will either damage and stun your enemies, breakdown the monster’s barriers or increase the number of steps. It feels like they remove this so that players can’t cheese around and combine weak with strong units that can devastate bosses with fatal blows. The rewinding time feature is back from Echoes as Sothis’ Divine Pulse in which you can rewind time during the gameplay. However, it seems like they made it easier for the player with perks from the four weapon-based statues that give me more charges as well as other benefits to boosting XP when Instruct your students. Even though I played in Normal/Classic mode, I only used a couple of those charges and they replenish after battle so it doesn’t matter. 

Graphically speaking, it looks like a last-gen game. It just looks like a mix between Radiant Dawn and Final Fantasy 12 with its 3D environment when you’re free roaming or on a mission. Just roaming around the monastery just feels mundane with its large map design where a couple of activities separated in different parts of this main hub. It’s just spread out and just visually, it just looks kinda ugly-looking like PS2 graphics. There is also not really a wide arrange of map designs either, it feels like they only have a few set pieces specifically on any missions, unlike the previous games. However with the new battalions, you can zoom into your unit and you will see an army of units surrounding your core unit. It’s like Advance Wars but if they put in on consoles, it’s not much thoroughly detailed as you expect but it’s pretty nice, although you don’t really notice it that much when you focus on the tactical aspect of the game. From a sound and music standpoint, it just the opposite. I really love that the game is fully voiced, with hours of recorded dialogue from all of the NPCs and characters that you recruit. I mean, each of every student in all three houses are fully voiced with their own story to tell and the wide arrange of talent is impressive, at least for the Japanese cast. I specifically adore the voice of Bernie who is just as lovable and funny, constantly panicking during cutscenes whether its S-Links or throughout the main story. The music is orchestrated greatly as well, it is somewhat repetitive to hear the same score over and over but those moments are great with the music. Oh and I like the Fire Emblem theme when you start free roaming, a nice little tidbit. 

Overall, despite its flaws, Three Houses is still a satisfying game to play, the tactical aspect of moving around the battlefield during turns is just rewarding if done right. It’s these games that I enjoy more than any other tactics game. The difficulty improve since the 3DS with the introduction of crest monsters and the removal of linking units together resulted in a calculated, tactical strategy component of the game that adds a new layer of intensity. It is just sad that the story isn’t that remarkable with its forgettable and clear objective that the game, mysteriously changing to the three houses waging war against one another. That and the game can be beaten multiple times by picking one of the three houses and branching paths throughout the later course of the game. Other than that, the gameplay promises to be one of the most exciting moments that I played this year. 

[jiveammunition]

Title: I’ve Got You in My Slice - Chapter 5 - The Reaper Comes for Your Rolls!! Pairing: Reaper76 Rating: Teen Tags: Alternate Universe - Bakery, Alternate Universe - Police, Bad Puns, Fluff, Slow Build, Slow Burn Chapter: 5/? Summary:

“Reaper?” he asked.

“Yeah! Reaper!” Jack got up to fetch his phone from behind the counter, and fiddled with it briefly before sitting back down and showing it to Gabriel. There, on the small screen, was a picture — a bathroom selfie, no less — of Jack with a rather peculiar-looking cat, all black save for white markings on its face that made Gabriel think of a bird’s skull.

After 6 months of waiting, here’s an update for you all. Thank you guys for your patience! <3

Surprisingly, despite the impending barrage of holidays, not much had changed in Gabriel's day-to-day life. As usual, he made sure to go back visit his family the day after Halloween to celebrate Dia de los Muertos — bringing abuelo’s favorite brand of mezcal to drink and leave at the family altar, which he also helped with, and staying the night — as well as on Thanksgiving, when the only particular thing of interest that happened was the turkey exploding in the fryer because his brother-in-law — the husband of his oldest sister, Isabela — hadn't thawed it as completely as he originally thought. Thankfully no one had been injured, nothing had burned down, and his second-oldest sister, Carmen, had the forethought of making another turkey ‘just in case’. But nevertheless, the story was interesting and amusing enough to get a few laughs out of Jack when he told it, which made the Thanksgiving migraine worth it in the end, at least.

“What did you do for Thanksgiving? You spend it with your family too?” Gabriel asked when Jack returned to his table with a refill of coffee in his travel mug.

“Oh, no, it's too expensive and too much of a hassle for me to fly back to Indiana for Thanksgiving. Especially when I'm going to be flying back for Christmas anyway,” Jack replied, shaking his head. “I spent most of Thanksgiving at home with Reaper, before I came here to prep for the Black Friday rush.”

It made sense that Jack had the sense to prep and open the bakery to take advantage of Black Friday and all the people that were out getting their shopping on. If Gabriel remembered properly, Jack even had a sign outside the entire week before, announcing the bakery’s special hours on Thanksgiving and the day after. A part of him wondered how well it went, given the nightmare stories he'd heard from some of his fellow officers about needing to assist certain stores with crowd control — Gabriel himself was on patrol that night — and Jack had to change the store's hours to accommodate his morning rushes and allow for midday baking and restocking. How on earth did Jack manage to handle the floods of people no doubt prowling for early-morning munchies and coffee?

But as Jack hadn't looked all that much worse for the wear, and the store opened without incident the next day, Gabriel decided not to ask. He also wondered when Jack would finally get some help with the store, but also kept his mouth shut, knowing it was a rather touchy subject. As open-minded and keen experimenting with things — baking recipes and the like — Jack was surprisingly stubborn.

Instead, he raised an eyebrow and looked at Jack curiously. “Reaper?” he asked.

“Yeah! Reaper!” Jack got up to fetch his phone from behind the counter, and fiddled with it briefly before sitting back down and showing it to Gabriel. There, on the small screen, was a picture — a bathroom selfie, no less — of Jack with a rather peculiar-looking cat, all black save for white markings on its face that made Gabriel think of a bird’s skull. It was kind of spooky looking, to say the least, and though it certainly fit with Gabriel's aesthetics, for some reason the hairs on his neck stood on end and a shiver of something both strange and familiar ran up his spine.

He didn’t dwell on it for too long, and shook it off as much as he could before handing Jack back his phone. “It certainly looks the part, at least. And I should've known you'd name your cat something punny too, given how much you love your jokes. Don't tell me, it's spelled R-E-A-P-U-R-R?”

Jack merely laughed and shook his head. “As amazing as that spelling would be, no, it's not. I wasn't the one that named him.”

“Oh, you adopted him, then?”

“Something like that. You know how there are a lot of strays that like to hang out in the alley behind the store? Reaper showed up in the bunch one night — the day after Halloween, if I remember right — and just kinda… attached himself to me?” Jack shrugged. “I checked his collar to see if he had an owner, but he only had a nametag on him. I checked for a chip too, but he didn't have one of those, either.”

“Still... You sure it's such a good idea to just take in some random stray like that?” Gabriel asked, recalling some horror stories several years back about someone taking in a stray only to learn the hard way after it died suddenly that it also had rabies.

“Yeah! I took him to the vet to get a quick look at him and got him all up-to-date on shots,” Jack nodded, “Plus, Reaper is a really smart — if a little clingy — cat, he follows me to and from the store every day. Even knows how to use the toilet!”

Just as Gabriel was about to comment about how bizarre that last tidbit was, both his and Jack’s attention were drawn to the front door.

As if on cue, a loud but muffled meow was heard from outside, followed by a light scratching at one of the glass panels. Sure enough, there sat the spitting image of the cat from Jack’s picture, staring into the store as if demanding entrance. Its gaze settled onto Gabriel, and after several moments of staring without blinking — Gabriel could swear the cat was glaring at him or sizing him up — it meowed again and slapped a paw onto the glass. It turned its head towards Jack, and gave one last meow before dropping its paw and sat patiently waiting.

“Oh shit, Reaper!” Jack cursed slightly as he got up from his chair, “You’re not supposed to be out front like that!” He opened the door enough for himself to slip outside and not let the cat in, and picked it up when it appeared to meow at him again. It seemed to settle down in Jack’s arms, at least, and if the look on its face and swishing tail were any indication, it was likely purring like a motor as well.

As amusing as it was to watch from inside as Jack bounced slightly in place while petting the cat in his arms, and apparently scolding it, Gabriel couldn’t say no when Jack nodded at him from outside, beckoning him to go outside. Sighing, Gabriel stood up, taking his mug with him and hiding a few bills underneath the empty plate as payment for the food plus a small tip — something he resorted to doing after Jack kept refusing to accept more than half the normal price of his food due to his ‘guinea pig’ status — before going out to meet Jack’s new kinda-sorta-pet-slash-stalker.

“Reaper, say hi to my friend, Gabriel,” Jack said, turning slightly so the cat was facing him. Reaper gave Gabriel the same kind of soul-piercing stare as it did before, watching him silently until Jack gave it a nudging scratch behind the ear. It purred lowly until Jack’s coddling stopped. Almost reluctantly, it meowed in greeting at Gabriel. When Gabriel reached over to give it a pet, however, Reaper lept out of Jack’s arms and darted away, turning the corner to no doubt disappear into the alleyway.

“Guess he’s not a fan of me,” Gabriel shrugged.

“I wouldn't take it personally. He might just be a little catty around strangers,” Jack ribbed.

“You said he follows you around though, right?” Gabriel asked, pretending like Jack hadn't made any pun at all.

“Are you trying to say I'm strange?” Jack huffed, holding a hand to his chest as if Gabriel had hurt his feelings.

“I didn't say anything,” Gabriel snorted, smirking as he took a sip from his travel mug.

“You're hilarious,” Jack replied, crossing his arms. The look of amusement on his face did nothing to help sell how horribly Gabriel's barb had injured him.

“Anyway,” Gabriel began, looking at his watch, “My shift’s about to start. I'll see you tomorrow.”

He took a few steps forward before he felt a tugging on the back of his jacket.

“Sorry. Hold on a sec,” Jack said. He let go of Gabriel and began rummaging in his apron pocket before fishing out a worn, brown leather wallet and holding it out. “This belongs to Officer McCree. He left it here last night. I texted him to ask for his address so I could drop it off, but he told me to just hand it to you. He's on duty today too, right?”

“Yeah, he is,” Gabriel replied, taking the wallet, and opening it up. Sure enough, there was Jesse's ID, the grin on his portrait even goofier than how Gabriel remembered his last ID picture looked. He tucked the wallet in his breast pocket and began to walk off again before he stopped in his tracks. “Wait. Texted ? Why does McCree have your number?”

“He asked me for it?” Jack shrugged, “I told him I wasn't interested, and he's not my type, but he insisted. Said something about wanting it anyway in case I wanted another friend to hang out with that wasn't — and I quote — ‘a grump with a stick-up-his-ass.”

Gabriel tried to school his expression and keep it as neutral as possible, and surprised even himself when he somehow managed it. He let out a short, “Huh,” and took another sip of coffee to gather his thoughts. “I'll have a word with him later, then.”

Jack laughed, and waved his hand dismissively, “Don't tell him I told you he said that!”

“Oh, I'm not gonna talk to him about that,” Gabriel muttered under his breath. When Jack tilted his head in confusion, Gabriel simply shook his head. “Don't worry about it,” he said, giving Jack a quick wave before heading off to the station.

“Oh, okay…” Jack replied, still looking slightly confused as he waved back, “Have a nice day, then!”

Sure enough, when Gabriel got to the station, Jesse was at his desk, typing up something or another on his computer. Gabriel took the wallet from his pocket and tossed onto the desk in front of him, drawing Jesse's attention away from the screen when it thudded gently on the wooden surface between his forearms.

“Oh, hey! You got it! Thanks, boss!” Jesse laughed happily as he tucked the wallet back into his pocket. “Mornin’, by the way!”

“Morning,” Gabriel grunted. He folded his arms and frowned slightly. Unable to help himself, he went on to ask, “Mind telling me why you have Jack's number?”

The grin on Jesse's face grew even wider. “No reason! Just thought the guy could use another friend around these parts, what with him still being new-ish to the neighborhood and all!”

Gabriel tilted his head, expression still unimpressed and looking doubtful.

Jesse laughed, and held his hands up in surrender. “Honest ta god, boss. I was just bein’ friendly! You got nothin’ to worry ‘bout, anyhow. Said he wasn't interested when I first asked.”

Gabriel let out a quiet ‘harrumph’ before he went to his desk. Shrugging off his jacket, he draped it over the back of his chair before he sat down, still clearly displeased. He'd known Jack for several months now and he still didn't have his number. Granted, he stopped by the bakery at least three times a week — down from the four originally; didn't want to come off as a creep, after all — and there was no real need to have Jack's number when they met in person so often, but still...

He was briefly torn out of his foul mood when Lena walked over with a bridal magazine in hand, asking him what he thought about her fiancée’s, Emily’s, choice in wedding gown.

“Oxton, why the hell are you asking me?” Gabriel asked, after realizing he had spent the last several minutes looking over pictures of dresses.

“I figured you'd be able to help us narrow down what would look best with my dress, since you know fabrics and drapings and all,” Lena replied, looking at Gabriel with wide eyes as if the answer were obvious.

“Oxton, I make costumes as a hobby. I don't design dresses or work as a wedding planner! Didn't Emily hire someone to help you guys for this reason?” Gabriel frowned, gathering the various pictures strewn across his desk into a neat pile and handing it back to Lena.

“Yeah, but I also figured since you're the one that's gonna be actin’ as my dad durin’ the ceremony, it'd be nice to get your opinion, at least…” Lena answered in a quiet voice, looking slightly like a kicked puppy. Gabriel pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. He never could stand up against that look.

Still frowning, he flipped through the stack of pictures in his hands again, reorganizing the pile after a bit of quiet deliberation, and holding it back out once again. “The top three would be the ones that flatter Emily's figure and complement your dress the best. Now get back to work before Amari catches me helping you pick out your wedding cake and yells at me for ‘slacking off’,” Gabriel turned to his computer and waved Lena off.

“Thank you!” she chirped happily. “And you don't need to worry about that! Emily and I already narrowed down what kind of cake we want.” She smiled, taking the stack of pictures, and turned to start heading back to her desk when she suddenly jolting in place.

“Oh! That reminds me! I need to text Jack and let him know what time Emily and I will be there for the taste-testing!” she exclaimed in realization, mostly to herself. With a renewed cheer, she quickly zipped off back to her desk, fishing out her phone and tapping away at it with a smile plastered to her face.

Gabriel's bad mood quickly sunk back in. Lena had Jack's number too? That was-!

He took a deep breath and shook his head. It would make sense that the Lena would have Jack’s number if he was to be the one making their wedding cake. Jack wasn't giving out his number to just anyone and everyone.

...everyone but Gabriel, that was.

Things came to a head near the end of his shift when Liao, of all people, offered to text Jack and see if he would be able to make a cake in time for the station's holiday party in two weeks. Why the heck did Liao have Jack's number?! If he recalled correctly, Liao had only ever been to Jack's bakery once, and that was with Gabriel after they had coincidentally run into each other on their day off and during their morning jog. Unless he went there again sometime after, and asked Jack for his number… which dredged up even more questions in Gabriel's already-preoccupied mind.

He left the station that night with the same contemplative frown he had that morning, internally grumbling at how it seemed everyone but him had Jack's number and struggling to figure out the best way to ask without seeming too desperate or forward. He enjoyed Jack's company, and didn't want to ruin their casual friendship just yet. Plus, if Jack were to reject him like he did with Jesse, Gabriel wasn't sure if he'd be able to set foot into For Goodness’ Cake ever again.

Surprisingly, his opportunity to get Jack's number came in a way he never would have expected. When he got home to his apartment, he was met with the sight of an all-too-familiar black-and-white cat lurking outside his window.

“Reaper?! What the heck?!” he scrambled to open the window, quickly and carefully as to not startle the cat to the point where it would fall of the rather small ledge and injure itself. With a tiny huff through its nose, the cat jumped from the opened window into his apartment and skittered off to curl up on his couch.

“Hey, Reaper, this isn't your home. Why are you even here? Why aren't you with Jack? He's gonna be worried sick about you,” Gabriel scolded, and tried to pick Reaper up. He got a hiss and furry slap across the face for his trouble — thankfully Reaper had the courtesy not to let out its claws — and quickly reeled back in shock.

“Shit!” he yelped, “What the hell, Reaper?! Did you come here just to make my day even worse?”

Reaper ignored him, and curled up the same way as it did before, closing its eyes and sleeping. Or pretending to sleep. Gabriel couldn't tell, and to be frank, he couldn't be bothered. He growled under his breath and let the cat be, huffing as he left the living room to shower, make a quick dinner, and head to bed.

To his knowledge, Reaper stayed curled up and asleep on the couch until the very next morning, when it jolted right up at the sound of the apartment door unlocking. Without any sort of prompting, it darted out of the apartment as Gabriel held the door open, and even waited at the bottom of the stairs for him to catch up.

Jack was right, Reaper was a very smart cat. It was almost unsettling how smart it was. As if keenly aware of Gabriel's usual route, it led the way to the bakery, with Gabriel trailing behind it the entire time.

When they finally reached the bakery, sure enough, Jack was outside, as usual, setting up the sign of the day's special bakes. The expression on his face was more contemplative than usual, his brows furrowed and forming a rather obvious line on his forehead. Reaper meowed loudly as it approached Jack, and almost immediately, Jack seemed to cheer up at the sight of Reaper. His expression brightened up even more when his gaze landed on Gabriel, causing Gabriel's heart to skip a beat as it usually did whenever Jack looked at him like that.

Crouching down, Jack held out his arms for Reaper to leap into, catching the clever cat, and spoiling it with affectionate pets and scratches.

“How did this happen?” Jack asked, utterly bewildered. “Reaper didn't follow me home last night or to the bakery this morning, so I was worried sick something might have happened to him!” The way Jack's hands unconsciously continued to spoil the cat with affection didn't escape Gabriel's notice, and he couldn't help the small smile that crept its way onto his face at the look of contentment on Reaper’s face.

“I don't know why or how he even got there, but I found him hanging outside my window last night. Reaper didn't want to seem to want to budge from my couch at all, and I figured since it was so late and you'd already closed and I didn't have your number, I may as well let him stay the night and bring him back here in the morning,” Gabriel shrugged. Reaper opened its eyes to stare at him, as if fully aware of his white lie, and judging him, but Gabriel ignored it in favor of maintaining eye contact with Jack.

“Thank you for doing that. I really appreciate it,” Jack said appreciatively, relief written across his face as clear as day. “Like I said, I was really worried about this little guy. My apartment felt kinda empty without him around.”

“No problem,” Gabriel replied, feeling nervous about what he wanted to say next.

After a few moments, he swallowed the lump in his throat and gathered enough nerves to finally ask, “Um, in case this happens again, do you have any way for me to contact you? Like a phone number or something?” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, terrified that Jack might jump to the conclusion he catnapped Reaper just to get the chance to ask for Jack’s number.

“Oh, yeah, sure!” Jack beamed. “Let's head inside so I can get yours too!” He crouched back down to let Reaper down, and with a quiet meow, the cat dropped from his arms and scampered away, slapping Gabriel's leg with its tail as it passed. ‘ You owe me for this,’ it almost seemed to say, and Gabriel inwardly thanked the cat for the setup.

“Sure,” Gabriel replied, trying to control the grin beginning to form on his face, and fighting the urge to pump his fist in triumph. He was going to get Jack's number, and he managed to ask without making things awkward or a fool out of himself! The urge did overtake him before he was able to make it through the front door, and with a quiet, “Yes!”, Gabriel did a small fist pump when Jack disappeared into the bathroom to wash his hands and likely dust off whatever cat hair Reaper shed on his clothes. Gabriel would later attempt to do the same to his couch when he returned home that night, only to be utterly surprised to find not a single cat hair anywhere in his apartment.

“Did you say something?” Jack asked as he exited the bathroom, tossing away the paper towel in his hands before the door swung closed behind him.

“No, nothing,” Gabriel replied, shaking his head.

Jack shot him a quick look of confused amusement before fetching his phone. He unlocked it and set it on the counter.

“I can never remember what my number is, so could you punch in yours and call yourself while I get this bread out of the oven? They're the prosciutto, cheese, and balsamic onion ones you tasted the last week and said you really liked. I figured I'd roll them out this week and see how popular they are.”

“Sure,” Gabriel answered, ignoring the pun completely. He focused his attention onto Jack’s phone, doing exactly what was asked of him as Jack disappeared behind the swinging steel door. He could almost feel his heart racing slightly when entering in his number, and when his own phone rang, it figuratively soared into the stratosphere.

Finally getting Jack's number put his spirit in such a good mood that day that he couldn't even find it in himself to get angry when he got to his desk and he discovered Jack snuck two extra rolls into his bag. Nor did he even bat an eye when Jesse approached him at his desk, and handed Gabriel $5. “Jack said you dropped this in his store yesterday. It's not like you to be so clumsy, boss,” Jesse scolded playfully before walking off.

Gabriel would just get Jack again next time.

[fanfic-collection]

Loki x Reader: Honeymooners pt 1

Gonna turn this into a multi chapter thing since it’s getting kinda long. The prompt about reader and Loki going undercover as honeymooners at a fancy honeymoon destination that I said I’d write forever ago but didn’t get around to

(So if you’re going under cover for anything, you’d probably want fake names, but I don’t want to make up fake names and I like using Loki’s name so yea...)

A loud ringing from your nightstand roused you from your deep sleep. Your eyes opened instantly, years of training instantly putting you on alert as you recognize a mission briefing call. "I'm here." You answered.

 "Agent, good, head up to the debriefing room," Mariah Hill's voice came through the speaker, "we have your next assignment."

You nodded, the last traces of sleep leaving you as you remembered she couldn't see. "Should I grab my partner?"

"Not yet, he's getting a debriefing packet but there's classified information we need to go over with you separately."

You raised an eyebrow. Loki, god of mischief, currently tasked with aiding SHIELD for glorified community service and thus your partner on most missions, would be debriefed separately? If you were working together, wouldn't the logical thing be to brief you simultaneously so any ideas the other had or questions could be addressed together? You knew better than to ask questions though, Mariah would just end up repeating her orders. "Understood, I'll be there in ten."

"Hurry, your transport leaves in two hours, everything you need is packed, so this debriefing has to be fast."

You sighed as she hung up, failure to plan on SHIELD's part always warranted an emergency on your part. Hopefully the travel time would be long so you and Loki could fill each other in on anything that had been missed. Still, something about separate briefings disturbed you. No sense in worrying about it now though, time was ticking and you still needed to shower.

Ten minutes later, you were rushing into the briefing room where Mariah sat at a long high-tech table, a TV screen displaying a mountain lodge behind her. "Recognize it?" Mariah asked, looking up as you entered.

You stared at the screen blankly, searching your memory. The lodge seemed familiar in a dreamlike way, but nothing truly stood out.

"Not sure, your history and all, but some little girls grow up planning their dream weddings and honeymoon vacations."

You frowned glancing between her and the screen. "I'd never really thought about it, I guess. Marriage might come some day, but I've had other things to worry about. Maybe friends planned their's..." You trailed off, not sure what she was getting at.

Mariah smiled, "don't worry, it's not a test, just was wondering if you recognized it. That's the location of your mission. 'Lover's Lodge, Honeymoon Resort', honeymoon destination of only the wealthiest and luckiest clients. It's such a destination resort that any who attend have to prove they've been married in the last 48 hours. Officially they prefer 24, but occasionally travel gets interrupted and they felt like expanding the inclusion list. Newlyweds plan their weddings around when there's space available here, very exclusive."

"I'll bet." You crossed your arms, not wholly impressed. Sure it was an interesting place to visit, presumably anyone lucky enough to be an actual guest would enjoy it, but that type of feather in your cap didn't particularly interest you, not when you'd been told of an impending mission and you were very much single. Sure you pined after a guy, but he was millennia out of your league and definitely didn't return the feelings. Plus with your busy work schedule, dating really had taken a back seat to your plans.

"So what's the mission?" You finally prompted.

Mariah blinked, "there's underground seismic activity. Gamma levels are off the charts. We have reason to believe a magical portal of sorts is open in an underground area. The lodge itself exists in a weird jurisdiction and since the portal is believed to be magic in nature, we need your partner to investigate it."

"Loki."

She nodded, "he's uniquely equipped to handle magical enemies and we don't particularly trust him to do anything solo. The god of lies title and history inspires a great deal of understandable distrust."

You shrugged, "fair enough. I trust him though."

"Which makes you uniquely suited to operate as his partner, as well as the other portion of this undercover operation."

You were starting to get a headache, she seemed to be hinting at something without daring to say the actual nature of what she meant. "So we're undercover as work staff?"

Mariah smiled thinly, "I was hoping you might've guessed... no, the owner needs to be investigated to see if he has any part to play in the operation of this portal and the background checks and period of time it would take to sneak you into the workforce would be far too long."

"So?" You prompted, mind not quite working.

"I need you to go undercover as guests. Far more freedom to move around this way."

You swallowed hard, mind reeling. "But guests have to be newlyweds..."

Mariah held up a sheet of paper. Warily, you took it from her, examining it carefully. There in crisp new letters, signed by the state of New York, lay your full name married to Loki Laufeyson. You looked up at her stunned, "what the hell is this?"

"Less than 48 hour old marriage license between you and Loki, thought that was clear. We have wedding pictures as well as several witnesses that can attest the validity of your wedding."

"You married me to Loki without either of us knowing?" No wonder they didn't want Loki in attendance, he was sure to be pissed.

"It's forged, but will fool the admissions there, we snuck a different couple in several weeks ago to make sure. You're going undercover as a newlywed couple, enjoying all the amenities and making sure to close that portal and if necessary, remove the owner from his position, assuming he is involved. Think of it as a working vacation."

"With an ornery god, you do know Loki isn't going to be pleased."

"It's a six hour car trip, you'll have plenty of time to warn him. And it's by limo, refrigerator and bar fully stock, all expenses paid."

"What if I refuse?"

"You'll be out of a job." Mariah glared at you.

Your eyes flashed, "I'm one of your most loyal and successful agents, one refusal and I'm out on the streets?"

Mariah sighed, "no, you'll be heavily reprimanded and demoted, pay cut and put on leave, but please, you're the only one qualified to do this, we need you."

"You need Loki."

"He won't work with anyone else, there's no punishment we can give him, all of it has to be willing. Even threat of returning to prison on Asgard hardly bothers him. Please, he seems to like you."

You grit your teeth, that was the bitter crux of it. That Loki considered you an acquaintance of sorts but would never share your feelings. To have to openly act as though you were madly in love with him, only to return to hiding your feelings would kill you. Worse, Loki would either pretend to go along with it and not see how badly it tore you apart each moment, or he would refuse because ultimately he couldn't even tolerate you as a friend. Nothing of this mission wouldn't end extremely painfully for you. "Fine, but I'm getting another more expensive vacation after this."

"It's practically a vacation already, other than the portal."

"And an obstinate Loki. That's the only way I'm agreeing." You crossed your arms.

"We'll take it up with Fury, no absolute promises, but I'm sure we can manage something."

"Good."

By the time your conversation ended, you were becoming pressed for time. You practically flew out of the room, rushing down the many stairs and out to the waiting limo that Loki sat in, already looking annoyed. His arms were crossed as he glared sullenly out the tinted windows, fingers tapping in time to some unheard beat. "Sorry," you panted, scrambling in beside him. A soft smile touched the corners of his mouth upon seeing you, "got held up with Mariah."

Loki nodded, "for a moment, I was worried they might send a replacement for you."

"Can't get rid of me that easily." You winked, settling in as the car lurched forward.

Loki nodded curtly, that smile once more returning. "I take it there's a reason we were informed separately."

"Oh yea, and you're just going to love it." Sarcasm dripped heavily from your tone and Loki raised his eyebrow curiously. Over the next hour you and Loki shared the various information regarding the specifics of the mission finally coming to the part you dreaded most.

"But all this could just as easily have been told together, why the separation?" Loki mused.

"It's our cover," you sighed heavily, lifting up the marriage certificate. Loki frowned, "I suppose I didn't think we'd spend long there." You shook your head, "part vacation since it's a resort and SHIELD is cheap, and we need to investigate the owner as guests. It's easier than getting us jobs apparently."

Loki squinted at the paper, "we're married?" He looked up at you and blinked.

You popped the cork off the bottle you'd been struggling to open, "only technically," you said taking a long swill. "It's a forgery but best in the business. Sorry to do that to you, only way they could think of apparently."

Loki shrugged, "I could think of worse covers."

You looked at him, mid drink. Slowly you removed the bottle, "really?"

"They could have placed me with a different agent, which would be insufferable."

You laughed, "yea, I guess." Still your heart ached, not sure how to vocalize your feelings.

Loki could see the sadness in your eyes but didn't seem to realize what caused it. "What if we made it into a competition?"

"A competition?" You repeated.

"Whoever appears the better and more in love spouse, the winner."

You winced internally but you knew you loved a good challenge. Almost unwittingly, you heard yourself answer, "you're on, I'm going to kick your ass at this."

"My love, that you could think to hurt me?" Loki placed his hand over his heart in shock.

You scowled, "you didn't say we started yet!"

"Fair enough agent."

"What's the loser have to do?"

"I'm sure I'll think of something." Loki smirked.

Scoffing, you retorted, "yea right, I'm going to win."

The car ride passed uneventfully, you and Loki having plenty of the finer details of the mission to discuss and plan. "So it's in a sort of mountainous area, built on a number of natural hot springs that make for quite the scenic hot tubs."

Loki pursed his lips, "perhaps we might skip the hot tubs?"

You stared at him blankly, "and sauna? I gather?"

Loki nodded, "I don't care for heat much." He trailed off, looking away. You didn't press him, but he had alluded to not tolerating heat in the past, perhaps this was related.

"It's built over an inactive volcano, I believe, dig deep enough and you'll find lava but no worries of eruption in my life time. At least that's what SHIELD's experts seem to think."

"Is that related to the portal?"

"More like a fun fact." You shrugged, "and a tram that can take guests down to the beach, only an hour's ride. Sunbathing could be fun."

Chuckling, Loki reached for his drink, "I'm sure the number of newlyweds enjoying the sunset will be amusing."

"Probably. The tram doesn't stop, every half hour all night. Midnight swims on a clothing optional beach." You swallowed hard, trying not to picture Loki partaking in that.

"They really are encouraging intimacy everywhere, aren't they?" Loki blinked, studying you.

The look he gave you was so intense, you found yourself turning away, if only to hide your blush. "Guess so. At least no one will check on whether or not guests do, right?" You forced a weak laugh.

Loki nodded thoughtfully, "that would be awfully invasive of them."

Sleeping with Loki, or rather sleeping with Loki had only briefly crossed your mind. It would be hard to get around not sharing a bed but two mature adults could handle that surely, but if anyone noticed? That would be the final nail in your coffin to fake sex with Loki just to maintain your cover, or real but wasn't mutually desired.

"Agent?" Loki prompted, pulling your mind back to the present.

"Meeting the owner might be challenging if he's behind the portal." You forced yourself to change the subject. "Though I believe he greets each couple personally during their stay, guess we'll have to meet as many couples as possible to increase our chances of running into him."

Loki sighed, resting his chin on his fist, "wonderful, socializing with mortals."

-

“Oh! Loki!” You paused, “I mean, darling look! We’re here I think!”

Loki straightened up, roused from his bored stupor and followed your pointing finger out the window. For the past half hour, the limo had been winding its way slowly upwards through a forested mountainside and it had at long last shown signs of nearing a massive resort. The picture Mariah had shown you really didn’t do the place justice for its size and splendor, anyone fortunate enough to visit would definitely have to pay a small fortune.

Loki chuckled at your pet name for him, “So we have, congratulations on our first day of marriage.”

You reached for your phone and opened it, noticing a barrage of pictures featuring you and Loki photoshopped into a number of wedding poses. It had been a small, private affair apparently, contrasting notably with the amount that would go towards the honeymoon but it was evidently about the two of you and no one else.

Loki leaned against you, staring down at the pictures. You could feel your cheeks heating in a blush at the close proximity, you had been this close before and managed to hide your feelings, why was it suddenly different? You silently admonished yourself.

“That’s a lovely dress,” Loki murmured, tilting his head to the side. His long hair brushed against your cheek and you fought back a shiver. “Somehow, I think the dress would look better on the actual you, not this model they chose.”

You furrowed your brows, surprised by the sincerity of the compliment. Opening your mouth, you looked up to ask him if he was acting or meant it but Loki’s attention was already back to the sprawling grounds of the resort. Your mouth fell shut and you stayed quiet.

The limo finally rolled to a stop, the door opening as the two of you scrambled out. Loki left first, turning around and offering you his hand to help you, placing a gentle kiss on it before allowing you to straighten up completely out of the car.

You closed your eyes, praying silently for patience, strength to make it through this mission, then slowly opened them and beamed at Loki. The flirtatious giggle came easy to you as you leaned forward and pecked his cheek. Loki stiffened for a moment, before sinking into your touch as though it were the most natural thing ever.

“Do you have the marriage license, love?”

“Right here, sweetie.” You giggled again, waving it for him.

Loki pursed his lips, eyes darkening, clearly not amused by the pet name. If you were going to suffer, dying for this to be real, you might as well punish Loki with cute names. A hotelier approached as the two of you stood there, no time to turn back now.

[d-s-winchester]

The Charade

(gif credit to the creators)

Part Eight

Master List

Pairing: Misha x OFC / Jensen x OFC Word Count: 2,485 Warnings: none A/N: Here’s part eight of mine and Nicole’s (@iwantthedean) collab! Hope you guys like it! Anyway, feedback for this is awesome! :)

The timing for Adeline and Boden’s meeting with their editor couldn’t have been better. Even though Boden and Jensen had managed to get back on track Adeline found herself fumbling over her words and acting like a teenage girl with a crush whenever she was around Misha. Taking a trip back home for a few days to update Kelly on their progress was just what she needed. If she was going to figure out what exactly to do about her feelings for Misha being away from him for an extended period of time would be perfect for that.

 “I have to say girls,” Kelly said once she finished looking over their latest pile of notes and rough drafts, “you’re getting some good stuff! This whole angle of pretending to be their girlfriends was absolutely genius. There’s just one teeny, tiny flaw with all of it.”

 Both Boden and Adeline kept their mouths shut, waiting for Kelly to finish her thought.

 “It’s not believable,” she said, folding her hands in front of her, “several other publications have printed stories surrounding all of this and each and every one of them are saying that it seems like you two are more like the boys’ personal assistants. If you want to sell this and really get the full story I’m going to need you to start spending more time with them in public doing couple things.”

 Boden was about to protest and point out that they had been doing things like that when Kelly held up one finger to stop her.

 “Milestone parties for the show and going out all four of you do not count. The press doesn’t believe it because you two are never out with each of the men alone. No more codependency ladies. When you leave here and get back to Vancouver I better start seeing some more press with you two away from each other doing things with your so-called ‘boyfriends’. Understand?”

 Boden and Adeline nodded in agreement.

 “Good, because if those men decide to end this arrangement because you're not holding up your end of the bargain and you lose this article I have no problem letting you go,” she smiled, “that will be all.”

 The girls nodded and left the office. They gathered their things and made their way out to the cab they'd called to take them to the airport. Through the entire drive and up until they were seated on the plane Adeline was unusually quiet.

 “You ok?” Boden asked once they were settled and the plane took off.

 “I don't know if I can do this.”

 “Do what?”

 “Be alone with Misha like that. Doing couple things.”

 Boden nodded, thinking for a minute before answering her friend.

 “Yes you can,” she encouraged, “try not to think of it as a date. Try to think of it as a business thing. It might make it easier.”

 “Yeah that will make it easier but it won't make it believable. The problem is that I don't think I want this to be an arrangement anymore. I think I want the real deal and I think I want it with him.”

 Boden held tight to the armrest as they hit a patch of turbulence. “Then go for it, Addy. I really don’t think Misha is like Finn -- he won’t hurt you. Not intentionally, not like Finn did.”

 Adeline knew her friend was probably right, but that didn’t stop her from letting her head win out over her heart still, for the time being.

 Back in Vancouver, they put in a call to Jensen and Misha, and had them stop by the apartment as soon as they were off the set. The girls had the chance to shower off the travel grime, unpack, and start laundry before they showed up.

 “Here’s the deal,” Boden said, handing them each a mug of hot coffee. “When we met with our editor, she still doesn’t think we’re selling this couple thing. Apparently we have to be adults and go out separately. No more double dates or outings together with the four of us, if we can help it.”

 Misha glanced at Adeline, who was nervously chewing on her fingernails. “Addy -- you all right? We don’t have to do this, if it’s too much. We can call off the whole arrangement and figure something else out.”

 Adeline shook her head. “No, no, it’s fine. Really.”

 He wasn’t sure he believed her. “I’m sure this will be just fine. We’re perfectly capable of taking you girls out … at least I think we are. We’re also the same men whose girlfriends left us not long ago, so maybe we aren’t good at date night.”

 Misha meant it as a joke, and the whole group picked up on it. It started with Jensen’s soft chuckles, and then Boden stifling giggles. Before they knew it Misha and Adeline had joined in with full laughter. Thanks to Misha’s joke, they all felt less tense about their impending date nights.

 Jensen had told Boden that she could dress casual, but she still wanted to look somewhat adorable. She paired one of her favorite off-the-shoulder sweatshirts with a pair of jeans and ankle boots. She spruced up the outfit with some accessories, a cute hairstyle, and pretty makeup.

 “I need to head over to Jensen’s,” Boden said, checking to make sure she had everything she needed in her purse as she entered Adeline’s room. “Are you going to be all right to finish getting ready before Misha comes?”

 “Sure,” Adeline shrugged. “Have fun. Try not to drink too much.”

 Boden chuckled at her friend’s joke. “Ha ha, very funny. Remember, Addy, this is just business, but if you want more, it’s not the end of the world.”

 Adeline nodded and went back to her makeup table. Boden zipped her purse and made sure she had her keys, then drove over to Jensen’s apartment. She sat nervously in the parking lot after texting him that she had arrived; when Jensen came out of the building, Boden crawled over the console so he could drive.

 “Are you going to tell me now where we’re going?” Boden asked excitedly.

 Jensen smiled as he navigated the SUV into traffic. “I suppose I could.”

 Boden waited a few moments, but Jensen stayed silent. “Come on! Tell me!”

 “All right, all right,” he said with a laugh. “There’s a planetarium and a science museum in town I thought we could check out. The planetarium has a show on Mars, and the science museum has an after-hours adults-only program -- beer and wine and all that.”

 Boden agreed that sounded like an excellent idea. “There’s a place similar to that back home that I always loved to visit.”

 “Good. First, I figure you’ll want to eat, so --”

 “Barbecue bacon burgers?” Boden interrupted, excited.

 “Barbecue bacon burgers,” Jensen confirmed. “I wouldn’t dream of taking you out and not feeding you.”

 “This is going to be an excellent night,” Boden said, clapping her hands excitedly. Jensen looked over at her from the driver’s side and decided she was absolutely right.

 After a sit-down dinner at the burger place, Jensen drove them to the planetarium. He bought the tickets for the show about Mars, then held a still-excited Boden’s hand over to the theater and found them good seats.

 “In case I forget to tell you,” Boden smiled at him, “tonight has been absolutely wonderful.”

 “Why would you forget to tell me that?”

 Boden shrugged. “You said the science museum has beer and wine tonight. And you know how things went last time I drank.”

 Jensen laughed, realizing she was teasing him. “I’ll keep that in mind. I suppose in case I decide to keep up with you tonight, I had a wonderful time tonight, too.”

 He laced his fingers through hers as the lights in the theater dimmed and the show began. Boden leaned towards him, and he let go of her hand to put his arm around her shoulders.

 After the planetarium, they headed for the science museum. Boden ooh’d and ahh’d over every exhibit; Jensen loved that she was so enthralled with their trip.

 They kept it to two beers a piece, and, after a few hours at the science museum, they decided to call it a night. Neither of them wanted the night to end though, so Jensen took them back to the guys’ apartment. Boden kicked off her shoes and accepted the beer he handed her. They settled on the couch together, Boden sidled up next to Jensen, and he placed his hand on her leg.

 “Have to admit, I was a little nervous about tonight,” Jensen admitted. “But I had a lot of fun tonight. I don’t want to keep comparing you to Lindsey but she never would have done a night out like this with me. I’ve got a half a mind to hunt down that dumbass who cheated on you and let him know how out of his mind he’s got to be.”

 Boden smiled and blushed. “That’s sweet of you to say.”

 ��I mean it,” Jensen said quietly, caressing her cheek. “Would I be taking advantage of our arrangement if I kissed you right now?”

 “I’m not drunk like I was the other night, Jay.”

 Jensen cleared his throat and got up from the couch. “Right. I’m sorry.”

 “Wait,” Boden said, catching him by the arm. Jensen dropped back down to the couch with her. “I just meant, you know, if I kiss you tonight, I can’t use being drunk as an excuse.”

 “You don’t need an excuse,” Jensen assured before pressing his lips to hers.

 It wasn’t the make-out session they’d had in the back of the SUV when Clif rescued them from the party, but it was more than enjoyable. When the kiss ended, Jensen and Boden stretched out on the couch together to watch the comedy movie on TV.  

 When Boden left, Adeline sat at her vanity, putting the finishing touches on her makeup, lost in thought. She couldn’t remember the last time she was this nervous. She tried not to focus on her nerves and remind herself that this was just business, except in the back of her mind she knew that it wasn’t. Her phone going off with a text from Misha, letting her know he was there, pulled her from her thoughts. With a sigh she told him she would be right down before pulling on her boots, scarf, beanie and coat.

 She double checked that she had everything and left the apartment, locking the door behind her, to head to Misha’s car. Climbing into the passenger seat she noticed that Misha looked as nervous as she did and that, surprisingly, put her slightly at ease. They drove for a few minutes in silence before Adeline asked where they were going.

 “We’ve got a couple stops,” he smiled.

 He didn’t say anything else about it and Adeline picked up on the fact that he wanted to keep it a surprise. It wasn’t long before Misha was parking the car and opening the door for her. He laced his fingers with hers as he lead her into a small cafe. The smell was amazing, it was almost like she’d stepped into a pumpkin spice latte.

 They got in line and as Adeline perused the menu she noticed a theme.

 “I’m in heaven,” she laughed, “I think everything on that menu is pumpkin spice.”

 “It is,” Misha smirked.

 “I love pumpkin spice.”

 “I know.” Misha chuckled as Adeline looked at him, surprised. “What? You think I haven’t noticed the empty Starbucks cups in my garbage, or the fact that my trailer smells like a pumpkin every time you hide out in there?”

 She gave him a small smile as they approached the counter. After ordering a latte and some food they went to sit down at one of the small tables to eat.

 “So, where to next?” Adeline asked when they’d finished their food.

 “That’s for me to know and you to find out.”

 “You do know I really hate surprises, right?”

 “You may have mentioned it once or twice,” he laughed, starting the car.

 The drive to their next destination was short and they were once again getting out of the car and waiting in line. Misha had explained that they were going to be riding a ghost train. Adeline was more than excited and it kind of amazed her that he knew how much she loved Halloween and planned this date around all of her favorite things.

 Once the train ride was over they decided to take the long way back to the car. The temperature had dropped since the sun went down and Adeline walked as close to Misha as possible in an attempt to keep warm. Her fingers were laced with his once again and she was starting to realize that maybe it wouldn’t be such a bad idea not to think of spending time with him as just business anymore.

 “I probably shouldn’t say this,” Misha chuckled, when they were almost at the car, “but I think about you probably way more than I should.”

 Adeline looked down at her feet in an attempt to hide her blush. She wasn’t going to say anything but in a split second she changed her mind. She stepped in front of him and pushed herself up on tiptoes and placed a soft kiss on his lips.

 “Yeah, me too.”

 The drive back to her apartment was filled with comfortable silence. When they finally arrived Misha walked Adeline up to her door.

 “I had a great time tonight,” she smiled, turning to face him, “thank you.”

 “So did I.”

 Something between them had changed. This time it was Misha who made the move. He pulled her close to him and kissed her fervently. She pulled away from him long enough to unlock the door to the apartment and once the door was shut behind them her lips were on his again.

 They hastily shed their coats and shoes as they moved through the apartment. By the time they’d reached Adeline’s bedroom they were down to their underwear and Adeline’s brain went into overdrive. She wanted to do this, she really did, but at the same time she felt like she couldn’t. They were still technically working together and she didn’t want anything jeopardizing that.

 She pulled away from him and took a second to catch her breath. “We can’t do this.”

Misha looked confused at first but understood. He ran his hand through his hair and nodded before gathering his clothes from the floor. He got dressed quickly, told her he’d see her on set the next day, and walked out of the apartment. As she got ready for bed Adeline couldn’t help but wonder if she’d ruined any real chance she’d had with him.

[its-fun-to-stay-at-the-blog]

Impending Changes Threaten To Cripple Bitcoin Once and for All

Impending Changes Threaten To Cripple Bitcoin Once and for All

  Please don't change Bitcoin, you will break it!

Why are we using the similar strategy to meet with our currency requirements?

These monies monies already work together today to solve the problems causing the BTC civil war. There's absolutely no need to disrupt the whole industry with unsuccessful stains to Bitcoin. Bitcoin's unique advantage is that it's the venerable, immutable granddaddy of them all - the undisputed reference against which all other monies are measured. And it is breaking up!

Why would logical individuals do that?

Madness. However, the entire world has put together a rather marvelous transport system out of trains, airplanes and automobiles. Sure, there is a little bit of friction overall, although every moment we change manners which mix provides by far the handiest way to travel from doorstep.

And there is a very real likelihood of more damaging fractures from the future while the Bitcoin Brand prevents endangering its store of value role seeking to become the medium of market it will never be. BTC and BCC will be looking at increases in trades per second (TPS) to simply a couple of dozen TPS. The entire digital currency market is in a uproar on the civic war in Bitcoin. They are apparently going to break it to competing chains: "BTC" and "BCC". Irrespective of who wins, this can end badly... plus it is soooo unnecessary. Bitcoin comes with a lock on its own monetary role as a store of significance to the same rationale that physical gold has been seen this way...by world wide consensus. But neither Bitcoin nor golden fill the other purpose of currency for being a medium of market. Both are just way too hard to move around. Since Dominic Frisby, an astute UK commentator, put it: "generally speaking, currency has two chief uses. One is just as a medium of exchange. One other is as a store of riches. Traits might be found by you however these will be the crucial ones. Our modern fiat approach of money is really a quite brilliant medium of market".

Bitcoin has triumphed becoming "digital gold". In becoming the planet's realtime payment system, it won't ever succeed. By undermining Bitcoin's utility as the prior in vain quest for the latter, both factions do exactly the electronic industry a disservice.

Tops. We all know how THAT wound up.

Other top blockchains have been scalable far beyond 100,000 TPS since 2015! Why don't you upgrade to a of their technologies instead? There are lots of potential technology mixes we could cite here, but we'll just choose anyone to make the idea: Bitcoin, BitShares along with the Hero. Three different coins fix scalability issues and the mainstream adoption for the business. (Ethereum solves other intriguing problems but is already saturated at 25 transactions per second is not a serious contender to deal with world wide demand.)

Both versions will continue to be unable to scale to the trade rates needed on a global scale. Thanks to the web, you should purchase anything anywhere in the world and pay the seller instantly. Short of a money that eliminates the demand for foreign market, it's hard to determine how you can improve on currency for a medium of exchange. Nevertheless, it's a store of wealth. It buys you less and less annually. Yet breaking up The World's Reserve Digital Currency into two (and inevitably more) competing assets destroys its usefulness as the undisputed purpose of reference to everything else. We have trains airplanes, automobiles, and supertankers because of this. They are each adapted to, and more competitive in, their ecological niches. Turning Bitcoin into a medium of exchange to the economy is like trying to hack on a Model T to some star ship. It's not going to happen. · BitShares can be your real time counterparty-free exchange. "But paying throughout the trades is not free of counterparty risk", you can say. True. If you save your bitcoins on your private wallet, then you also are able to (slowly) pay them to some other private wallet without counterparty risk. But that really does this? Most bitcoins utilized in commerce spend the majority of their own time in risky control of a exchange waiting to be hacked. BitShares implements a counterparty free exchange named the Bitshares DEX where all of the transactions and payments occur at the rate of light -- under three seconds -- with no counter party from the loop. And it is scalable outside 100,000 TPS (transactions per minute) today and to infinity as it upgrades to EOS technology third calendar year.

· The Hero is the medium of market. The Hero is really a reliable smart coin backed by equity in the BitShares stage. Through the industry collapse, it held its value perfectly while every thing for example BitShares, fell at discounted rates. It is possible to spend it in realtime on the BitShares network, and contract that is smart programs it to appreciate against the buck annually by 5%. The Hero is also the main topic of a billion dollar promotion aptly called the Billion Hero Campaign to achieve mainstream adoption. So, you have the equivalent of a reliable, appreciating certification of deposit you can spend like cash in under three minutes at complete worldwide workload. Madness. The Bitcoin market has lost tremendous momentum as we approach the August inch catastrophe point. Uncertainty has generated a pullback affecting all currencies. And if you can find just two Bitcoins then date, then the uncertainty will likely remain -- setting Bitcoin straight back for a year or longer enjoy the splitting of Ethereum did. Sure, this equivalent of this videotape war will ultimately shake out a winner, but just afterwards dragging the industry down for a different year and slowing down adoption for every one. You will find better solutions. But as a medium of money, it is often found wanting. From roughly 1700 on, people started to prefer to utilize paper certificates representing gold -- which became banking notes -- in the market place to gold itself. And the chances of my going to Tesco's some time from the long term future and doing my shop are, at distant. Bitcoin, BitShares and the Hero.

Money has two major uses. One is as a medium of BitShares exchange. One other is like a store of riches.

Well, Bitcoin miners are faulty within their hardware and also Bitcoin core developers are vested in their own software. Neither will upgrade to the state of the art required to scale as it'd put them. While little creatures prepare to inherit the ground, they are stuck at the tar pits such as dinosaurs , fiercely defending their turf. Gold has, needless to say, was a store of riches. It lasts pretty much indefinitely. Also it buys you just as much as it ever did as it did 500, 50 or even 5,000 years ago. This is the reason, in this age of negative real rates of interest (i.e. rates are negative when you correct for inflation), an increasing number of people are choosing golden for a means to put away their wealth. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. You seek the services of a armored vehicle and drive it all there if you would like to move gold round. If you'd like to maneuver Bitcoin around, you use the comparably slow Bitcoin network. Patching that system boost it by ten, or also to double its power, could be the equivalent of putting propellers and wings on a Ford Model T. It's simply not going to compete round the world with the airplane for a medium of transport.

Contribute to The Morning Email

Get until the day's most important information. · Bitcoin is the store of riches. It goes in wallets like gold belongs in vaults. For real time transactions, you exchange bitcoin receipts -- fast tokens that may be exchanged for bitcoin. That's what every market will. Your bitcoin goes into their cold pocket and you exchange the exchange's surrogate ledger entries representing bitcoins until you cash out. That all exchanges achieve acceptable trading functionality. You might pay as rapid as you can currently exchange, in the event the exchanges facilitated transports. As an alternative, people do upto three hour long transactions: withdraw, cover, deposit to reach exactly what they could perform in seconds inside the market. Madness.

reserve digital currency

[justa-fanboy-blog]

Impending Changes Threaten To Cripple Bitcoin Once and for All

Impending Changes Threaten To Cripple Bitcoin Once and for All

  Please don't change Bitcoin, you will break it!

Why are we using the similar strategy to meet with our currency requirements?

These monies monies already work together today to solve the problems causing the BTC civil war. There's absolutely no need to disrupt the whole industry with unsuccessful stains to Bitcoin. Bitcoin's unique advantage is that it's the venerable, immutable granddaddy of them all - the undisputed reference against which all other monies are measured. And it is breaking up!

Why would logical individuals do that?

Madness. However, the entire world has put together a rather marvelous transport system out of trains, airplanes and automobiles. Sure, there is a little bit of friction overall, although every moment we change manners which mix provides by far the handiest way to travel from doorstep.

And there is a very real likelihood of more damaging fractures from the future while the Bitcoin Brand prevents endangering its store of value role seeking to become the medium of market it will never be. BTC and BCC will be looking at increases in trades per second (TPS) to simply a couple of dozen TPS. The entire digital currency market is in a uproar on the civic war in Bitcoin. They are apparently going to break it to competing chains: "BTC" and "BCC". Irrespective of who wins, this can end badly... plus it is soooo unnecessary. Bitcoin comes with a lock on its own monetary role as a store of significance to the same rationale that physical gold has been seen this way...by world wide consensus. But neither Bitcoin nor golden fill the other purpose of currency for being a medium of market. Both are just way too hard to move around. Since Dominic Frisby, an astute UK commentator, put it: "generally speaking, currency has two chief uses. One is just as a medium of exchange. One other is as a store of riches. Traits might be found by you however these will be the crucial ones. Our modern fiat approach of money is really a quite brilliant medium of market".

Bitcoin has triumphed becoming "digital gold". In becoming the planet's realtime payment system, it won't ever succeed. By undermining Bitcoin's utility as the prior in vain quest for the latter, both factions do exactly the electronic industry a disservice.

Tops. We all know how THAT wound up.

Other top blockchains have been scalable far beyond 100,000 TPS since 2015! Why don't you upgrade to a of their technologies instead? There are lots of potential technology mixes we could cite here, but we'll just choose anyone to make the idea: Bitcoin, BitShares along with the Hero. Three different coins fix scalability issues and the mainstream adoption for the business. (Ethereum solves other intriguing problems but is already saturated at 25 transactions per second is not a serious contender to deal with world wide demand.)

Both versions will continue to be unable to scale to the trade rates needed on a global scale. Thanks to the web, you should purchase anything anywhere in the world and pay the seller instantly. Short of a money that eliminates the demand for foreign market, it's hard to determine how you can improve on currency for a medium of exchange. Nevertheless, it's a store of wealth. It buys you less and less annually. Yet breaking up The World's Reserve Digital Currency into two (and inevitably more) competing assets destroys its usefulness as the undisputed purpose of reference to everything else. We have trains airplanes, automobiles, and supertankers because of this. They are each adapted to, and more competitive in, their ecological niches. Turning Bitcoin into a medium of exchange to the economy is like trying to hack on a Model T to some star ship. It's not going to happen. · BitShares can be your real time counterparty-free exchange. "But paying throughout the trades is not free of counterparty risk", you can say. True. If you save your bitcoins on your private wallet, then you also are able to (slowly) pay them to some other private wallet without counterparty risk. But that really does this? Most bitcoins utilized in commerce spend the majority of their own time in risky control of a exchange waiting to be hacked. BitShares implements a counterparty free exchange named the Bitshares DEX where all of the transactions and payments occur at the rate of light -- under three seconds -- with no counter party from the loop. And it is scalable outside 100,000 TPS (transactions per minute) today and to infinity as it upgrades to EOS technology third calendar year.

· The Hero is the medium of market. The Hero is really a reliable smart coin backed by equity in the BitShares stage. Through the industry collapse, it held its value perfectly while every thing for example BitShares, fell at discounted rates. It is possible to spend it in realtime on the BitShares network, and contract that is smart programs it to appreciate against the buck annually by 5%. The Hero is also the main topic of a billion dollar promotion aptly called the Billion Hero Campaign to achieve mainstream adoption. So, you have the equivalent of a reliable, appreciating certification of deposit you can spend like cash in under three minutes at complete worldwide workload. Madness. The Bitcoin market has lost tremendous momentum as we approach the August inch catastrophe point. Uncertainty has generated a pullback affecting all currencies. And if you can find just two Bitcoins then date, then the uncertainty will likely remain -- setting Bitcoin straight back for a year or longer enjoy the splitting of Ethereum did. Sure, this equivalent of this videotape war will ultimately shake out a winner, but just afterwards dragging the industry down for a different year and slowing down adoption for every one. You will find better solutions. But as a medium of money, it is often found wanting. From roughly 1700 on, people started to prefer to utilize paper certificates representing gold -- which became banking notes -- in the market place to gold itself. And the chances of my going to Tesco's some time from the long term future and doing my shop are, at distant. Bitcoin, BitShares and the Hero.

Money has two major uses. One is as a medium of BitShares exchange. One other is like a store of riches.

Well, Bitcoin miners are faulty within their hardware and also Bitcoin core developers are vested in their own software. Neither will upgrade to the state of the art required to scale as it'd put them. While little creatures prepare to inherit the ground, they are stuck at the tar pits such as dinosaurs , fiercely defending their turf. Gold has, needless to say, was a store of riches. It lasts pretty much indefinitely. Also it buys you just as much as it ever did as it did 500, 50 or even 5,000 years ago. This is the reason, in this age of negative real rates of interest (i.e. rates are negative when you correct for inflation), an increasing number of people are choosing golden for a means to put away their wealth. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. You seek the services of a armored vehicle and drive it all there if you would like to move gold round. If you'd like to maneuver Bitcoin around, you use the comparably slow Bitcoin network. Patching that system boost it by ten, or also to double its power, could be the equivalent of putting propellers and wings on a Ford Model T. It's simply not going to compete round the world with the airplane for a medium of transport.

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Get until the day's most important information. · Bitcoin is the store of riches. It goes in wallets like gold belongs in vaults. For real time transactions, you exchange bitcoin receipts -- fast tokens that may be exchanged for bitcoin. That's what every market will. Your bitcoin goes into their cold pocket and you exchange the exchange's surrogate ledger entries representing bitcoins until you cash out. That all exchanges achieve acceptable trading functionality. You might pay as rapid as you can currently exchange, in the event the exchanges facilitated transports. As an alternative, people do upto three hour long transactions: withdraw, cover, deposit to reach exactly what they could perform in seconds inside the market. Madness.

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