#most pain ive ever felt that isn't physical

[karlkapri]

(found here)

[mypeggableromance]

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[blixabargelds]

stares directly @ u

2 5 13 38

hiii 🥺<3

2. Is there a trope you’ve yet to try your hand at, but really want to?

i think it’s kind of crazy that i’ve never written full blown noncon tbh lmao i need to do that at some point. other than that i’m not really sure i think i generally have a go at most tropes i find interesting. i think fake dating could be really fun, and secret dating which i am actually doing in my ghostie au

5. Share one of your strengths.

i think i’m strongest when i’m writing the body. like physicality, the experience of being in a body in different situations, im good writing at the uncomfortable and visceral feelings and happenings of the body

13. What’s the best writing advice you’ve ever come across?

man i’m not sure i guess something im trying to do more is not think too hard about it in the first draft. i’m a perfectionist and so many ppl have told me to just write what i might think is garbage n heavy edit later n i’ve been trying really hard to do that more. you can always edit what you’ve written, you can’t edit something that doesn’t exist bc you spend too long trying to get the exact words right first try

38. Talk about a review that made your day.

wah these are two parts of one really long review i got on tmwi. i know i talk a lot about how important this fic was for me and the biggest reason for that is that it seemed to be really important to a lot of others too. for something ive written to resonate so strongly with a lot of people and invoke so much emotion in readers is something i did not anticipate and im forever blown away by the response this fic got in general

[…] But I sincerely, sincerely can't thank you enough for this story. Ive kept coming back to it again and again because of how it articulates so succinctly and resonantly so many things I didn't even realize I was desperate to understand until I did, and because it offers a level of positive emotional catharsis I am absolutely blown away by.

[…] maybe pain *isn't* the only way to feel real, as well as understanding that that's how I had been thinking about it. It felt like getting hit by a truck, in a good way. So, that's insane a little bit. Thanks. God damn. I could point to so many specific moments and lines that rocked me to my core, shaking parts of me I didn't even know were there, so many parts that felt like a fog lifting and so many parts that made me want to cover my face and hide away from the intensity of emotion but at the same time wouldn't let me look away at all. So many. This was fantastic, and I'm delighted to see it finished. Beautiful work.

[screammdesiree]

Hello there tumblr. It's almost like talking to an old friend again for the first time in years. A simple website turned into a diary that I wrote hours into the pages, some days those pages even wrote me. I was 14 year old when tumblr found me one dark and lonely night, a suggestion for an outlet by an old friend. Someone thought enough of how I was feeling, to suggest a place where my dark thoughts, long nights, unheard thoughts, sweaty palms, and aching heart, would have their own safety. I guess the thing I didn't account for was that some silly website would outlive the very person who brought it into my world. That I'd be back here some 9 years later, feeling just the same way I did at 14. Who would have thought, that returning here to once again spill my heart like blood soaking the pages of a book only I'd ever read? How silly. Returning somewhere that isn't physical, but the only place that feels like home. Logging in feels like keys jingling against the front door in the dark as we slink inside. Seeing things I'd written on the good days, feeling like taking off my wet shoes and leaving them beside the door. Scrolling through the most insignificant things I'd reposted, simply because they made me laugh, is the feeling of taking off your coat and placing it on a hook next to the door, and feeling how warm and cozy the house is. Although, not every home is happy and those moments come and go. Reading the things I wrote on the bad days is like hearing your parents scream at eachother at 8 years old in your room with your hands over your ears until. Reading about all the emotional damage I did to the soft and sweet 14 year old me, is like cutting your feet on glass after your father throws a cup of coffee, blood tricking from your foot as you run fingertips along the wall at the bottom of the stairs, wondering what could have been so bad. Sometimes coming home just isn't as comforting as it should be. There are days when coming home means it's because you're on hospice there to die where you're most comfortable. I guess I should be going into more detail, considering I came here to talk to myself, because there is no one to talk to anymore. Ive simply run them all away. Ah wait there it is. The thing that keeps bringing me back here."I've simply run them all away." Sound familiar tumblr? Sound like anything I've said here before? Down right deja vu here for me.

Sweet girl I know you've had this thought before, but let me ask you when is the last time you felt this pain sober? I mean honestly. When's the last time sober you came here to try to avoid openly saying how badly you want to end your life. Not disappear. Not start over. Not run away. But just simply die.

ISNT IT SCARING YOU THAT YOURE THIS CALM SAYING THAT YOU SOBERLY WANT TO END YOUR LIFE?!

Stupid question because even asking myself that question. I'm not afraid. Shockingly it isn't even because I think I'd see him on the other side of this life. It's because I failed to understand in all the things he said to me in those days. Now I get it. I get why he didn't wanna smoke with me and why taking a drink was simply unheard of in his final thoughts. He wanted to be entirely clear minded when he took his life, I get it. The peace that a sober thought of not being alive anymore will bring is terrifying but so so so calming. Just understanding that those thoughts shouldn't cross your mind with a smile, and the genuine happiness the thought brings me is absolutely disgusting.

But here I am again.

They say "think about in ten years when.." but it's been ten years and I'm still thinking and hoping that I'm gonna wake up and be happy I survived. I'm waiting. That feeling won't come if it hasn't already. There are some things you just softly come to terms with as you cry alone in a room with a house full of people.

Some days will be harder than others but your day will come where you will finally have the courage to pull the trigger and bring yourself peace.

I think I'd like the background of my death to be highlighted in sad Taylor swift songs.

Play the saddest songs at my funeral, that's the only way anyone will cry over me.

Who am I kidding, I don't even think my mom would come. My dad wouldn't be able to bring himself to come. My sister won't even be able to get herself out of bed, and my other siblings will probably not even know.

I don't want them to bring my kids though. I would probably rather they think I just abandoned them. They would be better for them right? I don't know.

[code-of-creation]

Everyone is being so kind and supportive on my blazed post to find my Prince Sidon figure!

This makes me so happy! So many people are trying to help me, a complete stranger, and wishing me good luck. People are giving me so many compliments and good messages about how Im using blaze, how I approach the proper compensation for artistic work, and how I view supporting tumblr.

I have really been struggling lately. I'm a medical marvek of multiple illnesses, both mental and physical. I've had a really hard year and I'm currently on medical leave working closely with psychiatric services to get my debilitating bipolar disorder under control. I am at a place where medication isn't helping me, and I've been relying strongly on family and friends.

I've never had a bipolar episode so intense, so prolonged, and so debilitating. But that is just the most forefront of my problems right now. I've been struggling to take care of NAFLD, Or non alcoholic fatty liver disease, which is very common in my family and often tied with developing diabetes. I need to change my whole lifestyle permanently to prevent further issues. If any of you have ever tried to quit an addicting processed American diet to a fresh minimally processed-low fat-low sugar-low cholesterol-No red meat-Whole wheat diet, then you know how hard it is. Not just the physical cravings for junk food that are so bad they nearly consume ones thoughts, but the societal and family pressure to socialize and bond through food, the mockery and unwarranted cruelty for refusing "normal" food, staple foods, or red meat.

Thats not all however! I had to have all my upper teeth removed at a young age due to a combination of a genetic defect, poor dietary upbringing, and medications that damage teeth greatly over time. Medications I'll likely be taking for the rest of my life. It took me a few years, but I saved up enough to get the "cosmetic" surgery to have screws implanted in my jaw that teeth could be affixed to. In the time it took to raise the money, the medication and genetic defect caused the reabsorbtion of my upper jaw to the point I barely have any upper jaw bone left. There isn't enough left to have a good chance with a bone graft, never mind enough to put implants in. This news was devastating to me. My face is caved in now, and I'm only in my mid 20's.

Then there's the normal assorted fun bag for my body. Wait list to remove heavy fat deposites that cause strain on my back and hinder my breathing. Migraines I can only try to sleep through as doing anything else is too painful. Shortness of breath and stamina from a sudden dramatic weight gain related to a new medixation. I need new glasses as I can't read the signs in windows with my current ones. Painful cysts on my scalp that I cant get removed yet. A new and very persistent rash that Ive been taking antibiotics for, for a month, while my doctor struggles to figure out what is causing it. Constant fatigue and executive disfunction to the point someone has to wake me up every day, and I barely eat because the effort is so much.

I have very little mental and physical energy. Life is hard. Kindness from strangers and the prospect of having my unconditionally supportive shark friend is invaluable to me right now. I felt good today, and I am so thankful.

[vsaintsin]

May the writing gods have mercy on the souls witnessing this super long back-and-forth. That being said, maybe it'll be as helpful for somebody to read all of this as it was for me, idk.

On the note of food, it's a nightmare trying to figure out what to eat and what not to eat. I've come to the realization that there is no such thing as "good" food, there's just food. Some things are less bad, some things are fine, but they've all got some issue. And that's not even addressing the end of it that applies to being disabled.

Do I tend to avoid organic food? Yeah. Is that just because it has less regulation so I can't reliably check what I'm putting into my body? Also yeah. But that's because when I had surgery for endo a handful of years back (and then it wasn't even endo, "Pathology can't identify the tissue" like what???) I also found out that I have IC which isn't so glamorous, it's just fancy for "your bladder is allergic to being alive and certain foods and drinks will be very painful to eat". Well, that's so cool... That's awesoooooome. It put an immediate nightmare on monitoring my food and drink intake for different ingredients of all kinds so now every time I eat I'm making one of those red-string conspiracy boards in my brain like "If THIS caused THIS and THAT did THAT then surely THIS must cause THAT". Round and round in circles. (Man do I ignore this particular issue when I go out with friends or we have a get-together, and they're all super understanding but I like to delude myself into normalcy at my own expense sometimes)

My thing with food is that yeah, all companies that manage our food supply should be more responsible. Across the board no matter who is manufacturing it, it would be nice to feel confident in buying anything at all from the store. At the end of the day, though, always opt for the thing that serves your body and there's not a lot of reliable math to that when you're juggling physical disabilities that'll take any excuse to hold you hostage in your own skin.

My point being there, I totally understand the frustration. If I speak a point on food intake there's always somebody to jump to how I'm wrong and I'm like "Hey, dude. I'm talking about my body's experience with these foods, not yours. It's gonna be okay, you can keep your habits."

I completely get the thinking all your struggles are a moral failing on your part due to a lack of resilience/willpower/discipline. I remember as a kid wishing I would get badly injured somehow so that I would have a "real" reason to act so "weak" all the time. You make complete sense.

God, that was a blast from the past... A huge chunk of my childhood just flashed in my mind's eye, that was nuts. Man, I used to think I was so crazy for that and haven't brought it up for much of my adulthood because I always felt like it would get negative results.

I think I still have this problem as an adult, though. Lately I've thought a lot "Would it please get worse so they can't ignore me anymore, if it's going to be bad would it please get bad enough that they listen". Which is counterintuitive maybe and obviously I would prefer to petition whoever is listening to help me get better but that's clearly not option anymore. I went to the emergency room not long ago because my neck was swollen on top of a flare-up of all kinds of things and they didn't look at my neck once. Instead they gave me an IV painkiller, THEN told me that it's the sort of painkiller that can make you stop breathing so I need to be monitored, THEN left me alone in a hallway (cue panic attack until my dad showed up), THEN sent me home with a migraine?? I wasn't even complaining about my head, I was asking them to figure out why my thyroid looked so huge and they were like "Has anyone ever told you what a migraine is" with the most condescending tone of voice I've ever heard. Really, doc? You think I haven't heard a thousand people use the word migraine wrong just like everyone else on Earth? Give me a break.

I find one of my hugest issues is never knowing when to go to the hospital or when to call for help or when to even go to a regular doctor. My people get worried about me and I'm like "I can endure it, I can be fine later I promise" without knowing whether it's true, but what are the options? Spending hours on end withering in a hospital bed, getting slapped with an absolutely massive bill, and then told that the issue I'm having isn't real?

"Come back when you have a real problem" - "Your health would be better if you took care of yourself" - "Oh, you're taking testosterone? That's the problem." - "Oh, you stopped taking testosterone? That's the problem." - "HAHA you thought we were here to help? You're mistake, that."

"my pain is at like a 3. It's fine." Until I randomly woke up one morning and the pain had completely disappeared. Now, being able to compare what my knee felt like in pain versus with no pain at all. No. It was more like a 5 or 6.

Which is why I understand this so well, and the comment on will. In the last couple of years I've realized that my will was never weak, it potent. The pain that I can disregard at any given moment is enough to have a fully able bodied person calling an ambulance, which always sounds so tough guy and high and mighty but it's not. I don't want to be strong, I WANT to have the luxury of stopping when something is wrong but that's all the time and the world will keep turning without me. The world does not pause and so I have to keep up, even when it hurts like hell. Explaining that is so challenging because a lot of people hear some variant of attack or complaint or pity-seeking and I'm like "NO I'M ON FIRE ALL THE TIME YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T COMPLAIN MORE OFTEN". You don't wanna hear about it? I don't want to LIVE IT but that's the cards we were DEALT.

And my favorite one I've gotten is "Well, if you keep talking about it-" nothing that comes after that is going to be fair or good. Bro, what do you mean I talk about it too much? I know that I don't. My memory is shoddy from all of this so maybe I forgot a conversation we had a couple weeks ago and repeated it, which means maybe I need an affirmation again that you've already given, but I've been fully transparent that I can't remember a lot of things. Refresh me, catch me up, bring me to where you are so we're on the same page here. I'm doing my best and if that's not enough for you go find somebody who'll give you less because my tank is running on fumes, dude.

I'm still learning how to give less than 100% at all times but I do still have that voice in the back of my head telling me to keep up. Be the inspiration you never wanted to be or whatever, because people like disabled people most when they can use them to make able bodied people to feel bad about themselves. "If they guy with no legs can climb a mountain WHATS YOUR EXCUSE". Like damn, sorry I don't have the kind of disabled that makes others feel bad about their capabilities but they don't do trade-ins on genetics man.

I'm not sure I'm speaking constructively anymore as much as just venting my frustrations at you so I apologize for that.

I spent the whole week justifying the cane and brace to myself by saying "they're just a preventative measure so it doesn't get worse. Yes, I can walk just fine without them but my physio said it was okay to use them and it does take the pain away." But I was still 50% convinced I was just doing it for attention

I own a cane now! It took me forever to convince myself to do it and ultimately I wound end doing it for my Dad, so he could have more peace of mind that I was taking care of myself. It lives in my car, jammed between the passenger seat and the center console. More importantly, I also had something in my head telling me I was making it up, that I didn't need it, that it was all for attention.

I have helped care for many people who were sick or dying and I always have been on the side of "hey, it's just a mobility aid, it's okay. You need it and there's no shame, I'll fight somebody if they make it an issue, we're all good here." Then, when I needed that logic for myself, it suddenly meant nothing at all.

I managed to convince myself to use it long enough for my old District Manager to mock me for it, saying it was ridiculous that I had it because I didn't need it. She did this in front of a team member who I was a manager over, on the sales floor. I was so horrified that such a disney-channel moment was my life that I just stood there, completely dumbfounded. Now, had it been one of my team members that she was antagonizing for any reason like that I'd have lost it on sight, she and I never saw eye-to-eye because I like biting back at upper management. For myself? Nothing. Just the sinking feeling that maybe she was right, that maybe the doctors were right, that maybe I was just weak and made it all up in my head.

I ultimately was forced out of the job for being disabled. Five years of hard work with my team, five years of building my reputation and doing everything I could to be indispensable. I had myself convinced that if I could out-perform the able bodied people that I would be an indispensable member of the team and I would be safe. I was wrong.

I managed stores, trained teams, talked a guy out of killing us during a hostage situation, handled the screaming and spitting people during COVID, came in before my post-op recovery was done to make sure my team had the back-up they needed, and always always got my job done. Save for preventing us all from dying (the only thing I would do again with 100% conviction), I realize now how foolish that all was.

The self-inflicted moral failing of this hasn't left me. I did EVERYTHING that I could, I fought like hell through every pain and every bad day, and it wasn't enough. That absolutely destroyed me. It gave me this sort of hopeless "it doesn't matter does it" mentality really quickly, that no matter how hard I try to overcome, I just won't be able to do it. I haven't been able to justify touching the cane again, even when I've needed it. That's all something I'm working on but it's a shame that the world was built that way at all.

That's what finally drove me to really invest in my writing. The hope that I could pull it all off, make an income off of it just enough that I wouldn't have to fight to maintain a job that would toss me out. And even if I don't "pull it off" it is the ONE THING that this body can't take away from me. My last resort while I rediscover my identity outside of the bad coping mechanisms I created. I know there's more to life than that but I sort of put all my eggs in the wrong baskets and they made off with baskets full of MY EGGS, so I'm starting over. Figuring it all out from scratch, like an oversized newborn.

But man... this conversation had been enlightening. I think I needed this right now after everything. I hate to assign a ton of meaning to this if you're like "bro we're just talking" haha but still, I appreciate.

I really feel like I turned this response into a vent session almost, my bad for that. I got a little heated thinking about some of this stuff. (I really hope that Read More is still working, I think it is? Apologies if I broke it.)

Writeblr Re-Intro

Yo! I'm V Saintsin. Or V or Vin or Saintsin or whatever you want to call me that sounds right on your tongue. I'm a self-proclaimed Social Media fumbler who got a late start to the party and has never quite figured it out. I hate how hipster and edgy it sounds to say "I'm bad at social media" but like I used to work with some people who actually managed the social media accounts for the business we worked for and there were rules and whatnot and damn, I think online media is just not my medium. That being said, here I am! Hah

I'm an author and general mess who's hoping to be the miracle man (somebody who makes a living writing silly little stories). I do use a pseudonym but please hear me out when I say I didn't realize how edgy it sounds, it just has some sentimental value to my personal life. I'm so sorry that I sound like I'm in my emo phase HAHA

About me -

He/Him Transguy from the American Midwest (arguably the south, depending on who you talk to, but the older people still say "Sodi-pop" and "ope").

I'm dysautonomic, bendy, permanently sleepy, and a survivor of Crappy Doctors Who Suck At Doctoring.

I like DnD, Pathfinder, Baldur's Gate 3, Cyberpunk, Dragon Age, and other things in that vein.

I do make art of my stories and characters (Tablet is currently not working so I'm in a dry spell).

My writing background is predominantly ancient, dusty RPs from as far back as the foopets days and fanfic writing on Quizilla - I am an old and wizened elder of the net.

My formal education was music performance and behavioral neuroscience, I don't really know how I got where I am.

This is not my first rodeo with tumblr but it is the first time I have anything to SAY instead of just lurking.

In the event of malfunction, you can put me outside for 5 minutes and I'll probably factory reset.

My existence as I know it hinges on a massive number of sticky notes plastered throughout my room.

What I'm lookin' for -

Idk, whatever? I'm down for most things. Did you write it? Cool, let me see. I'm not too bent on genre or anything, just fascinated by the art of storytelling.

A bit tentative with fanfiction but that's just because if it's not a fandom I'm familiar with I am rather clueless about what the hell is going on and if it's a fandom I am familiar with I HUNT DOWN THE DEEP LORE.

I like art a whole lot, including fanart. Also art advice, love seeing things from different perspectives and learning something new.

Mutuals, really, for any reason. Building better connections on here, getting to know people. I am hideously bad at this but I try.

What I write -

Science Fiction with heavy subjects that matter to me - trigger warnings on a story-by-story basis.

High Fantasy (eventually books I think?) characters and their backgrounds for DnD and Pathfinder - I have been tempted to share these to help people get ideas or just for free use?

Things that I delete because I have crippling imposter syndrome and publishing makes me nauseous (doin' it tho).

Stories that I hope will make people feel less alone or that people could relate to, stories that I wish I had when life was worse and I was reaching out for anything I could find to keep me afloat, stories that try to be critical of things that SUCK in a way that's any helpful.

Lots of curse words and cussing (that's just how people talk 'round here), dubious science, things that I hope might make you cry but in a good way though.

Character-Driven stories that revolve more around the development of the person and less around the plot itself if that makes sense.

I've put blurb things below for my primary project/series which features a grumpy, queer, 37-year old chain smoking Frenchman and his misadventures with life and love and unbridled rage. If any of that sounds cool stick around and hang out? (This part is a plug bc I did a thing and I'm proud of it) And if my books sounds interesting the first one is 99 cents on Kindle and you just need a phone and a free app to read it!

THE SECRET OF LIFE (Published) - Sci-Fi/Psychological Thriller, Bi M Lead, Lovers to Enemies, AI but the oldschool cool kind not the real world thing that's stealing our future

Carlisle-Trystan Antoinette is a mercenary on a hard road, navigating life and death itself in an infinite cycle started by powers above his understanding. He has one mission - warn The Dianican Space Station of the coming threat and put a stop to a war that would encapsulate the whole of the Sol System before it can ever begin. Unfortunately for Carlisle, reality is a tenuous thing, made up only by our understanding of it. At least, according to his Psychiatrist, who tells him that there is no war, that he was never a mercenary, and that what Carlisle is experiencing is a severe but manageable psychotic break. Stripped of his combat enhancements, his bio monitor, and everything he's every known, Carlisle has a decision to make. Does he give in to the thoughts and memories, so real that he can almost taste them, or does he live a life of comfort and ease, returning to a husband and daughter that he left behind?

TWs: Domestic and War Violence, suicide, rape, medical trauma, grief, drug use

THE SILENCE OF ANGELS (Due July '24, TSoL 2) - Betrayal and Rage, Learning how to love again slow-burn romantic subplot, Learning how to Dad, A general inability for any one thing to just go right

(Quick Rough Blurb that offers no spoilers for TSoL) Making connections isn't easy for somebody who's accustomed to burning bridges. Isolation has always been Carlisle's mantra for surviving his life. Playing a role comes second nature, pretending to be the man that everyone else wants to see in him. When an old friend is murdered Carlisle finds himself as the primary suspect with all evidence pointing to him so clearly that even he calls to question what he is capable of. Unwilling to believe that he could commit such a heinous crime, Carlisle sets off to find the truth of his friend's death - was Carlisle framed or does he truly have the capacity to bring such harm upon those he loves? Old and new bonds will be tested, faith broken, and the future of everyone called into question as lines are drawn and sides are picked.

TWs: Violence, mentions of SA, graphic character death, more grief, more death

I don't know what else to say... Later!

[thejoshuaglenn-blog]

You're a Good Boy, Charlie Brown

The key purpose of a Tumblr blog here is really a brain dump: logging thoughts, feelings, narrative and such is easier in long form than via a brief Facebook post that generates half a dozen "oh no, what happened" comments. As I'm writing this, most of it seems like bullet points and organized timelines. If you're looking for a TL;DR or current state of thoughts, it's the last section titled The Day After, and the Day After That.

A few days ago, Niko and I said goodbye to our first dog, Charlie Brown.

I'm not keen to chat about it a lot. There's more to process than I have time to type; most of it centers around being fair to myself and to Niko, taking the time to appreciate his life without beating ourselves up, and avoiding the overwhelming mire that grief can become.

Joining the Family

CB was a rescue, a hapless victim of the 2016 Louisiana floods and a happy-go-lucky participant in a "dog for a day" event hosted by a local shelter. I fully expected to rent him out for a day, give him a few great experiences, and return him. For myriad reasons, we never did bring him back to Pet Rescue by Judy, and he's been with us ever since.

At adoption, he was estimated to be around 4-8 years old. With a kicked-in shoulder that offset his collarbone and ribcage, some assorted dental issues, and other little signs of damage (cigarette burns, what the heck is wrong with people), it was tough to really gauge his age. That means he left this world at the ripe old age of something like 9-13, which isn't terrible considering all he'd been through.

Charlie Brown was the iconic good boy. He seldom barked, he never licked or jumped, and just wanted to be in the same room as his favorite people. He had a few toys that he cherished, never ripping them up, just carrying them with him from room to room and whining a bit, unsure of where he could store them for safekeeping. Apart from some separation anxiety issues and an occasional urge to bolt out the door and book it as far as he could, CB was by all accounts an easy first dog: more like a low-effort cat than anything else.

Slowly Falling Apart

Over time, the health issues increased. Intermittent but predictably regular upset tummy. Bad gums, bad teeth. Random gooey skin lesion. Eye ulcers. Since October, we've been averaging 2-3 unplanned vet visits a month — many incurring some hefty bills. We'd take out another credit card, find another financing plan, but it adds up. So does the emotional toil on the family; so does the anxiety toll on the dog.

You start to think about quality of life for the dog, you know? He'd had a few teeth removed to sew up his gums after they kinda detached and fell apart from his jawbone — so he couldn't chew anything hard. Couldn't even chew a tennis ball, which was the only toy he took interest in anymore. Couldn't have any fun treats like peanut butter or other soft chews, as his tummy would have bad flare-ups that usually ended up with him attached to an IV bag. After finally settling in and learning to play well with Atlas, Charlie Brown started to get pretty irritable whenever Atlas got frisky.

He still loved running around outdoors, and was in otherwise great health.

I can't tell you how guilty that makes me feel, even now.

Moving to Waltham

Before we left Orlando, there were so many crisis moments in emergency vet offices where Niko and I talked about how long he could ride this roller coaster. CB obviously was not a fan of vet visits: loved the staff, but was notably anxious and panicky when separated from us, and he had grown very loathe to the process of poking, prodding, and whatnot.

Shortly after moving to Waltham (he was a champ in the U-Haul), Charlie Brown had a severe colitis flare-up. He was losing so much fluid and was growing very lethargic over the day. Vets are hard to get into these days: with the sweep of "pandemic puppy" adoptions, the vet industry as a whole is saturated with demand, and practices are responding as best they can. There were just no emergency clinics available to us within 20 miles, except one that noted "we have no availability, but you can come and wait, and we might be able to see you in 4 or 5 hours." So we did.

It was a very late night. Charlie Brown came home with us with another round of the same antibiotics he'd been taking almost regularly since December for his assorted ailments, and some probiotics. The next day, CB seemed a bit better and brighter, and Niko and I went into the city for part of the day. We came home to find he'd had an accident, but it was just... blood. So so much. And he looked so in pain, so ashamed, so guilty, so anxious.

So we went back to the vet ER. It was another very late night. I didn't know how many of these late nights we could afford; neither of us knew how many of these late nights it was fair to expect Charlie Brown to endure.

Do you plan on letting a pet go after an extended crisis visit? Do you plan on letting a pet go in a time of relative peace?

Camping Analogy, and a Best Last Day

When you're off on a long hike, and you see daylight start to fade as the sun begins to set, you begin to think about finding a good place to set up camp for the night. It's abysmal to do this after the sun has already gone down: where you could have had preparation and structure, you have chaos by flashlight.

A dog's life is in your hands. You're his whole world: all food, adventure, pampering, challenge, treatment, and care come from you. More than anything, we wanted Charlie Brown to have a peaceful, restful life. Now that we started thinking about it, we wanted to be able to give him a peaceful, restful passing as well: not as the climax of another overnight crisis with injections and yelps and beeps and cowering and anxiety and fear, but in the still quiet of familiar sounds and smells.

His very last day was a great one. Fresh Pond in Cambridge: a massive stroll around a colossal lake with an absurd bounty of new smells, kind people, happy dogs, and a brisk New England breeze. He got to swim in a little side pond — that boy lived for jumping into random lakes. He ran around the broad field that is Kingsley Bowl, chasing a thrown ball the very very farthest his sad pop could throw it — and he brought it back. We bought him a steak. We told him how much he brought to our lives.

And then we waited.

Lap of Love is a sort of home delivery service of dignified passing for pets. There's more to say on that hour than I care to pen, but throughout the procedure, we never left him. Charlie Brown passed enveloped in our arms and laps and sobs and hugs.

The Day After, and the Day After That

The rest is just thoughts. Your head starts to feel like a coffee shop where your grief comes in, sits at a table with you, and unloads. You nod, listen, and wish them well. I hope I can keep processing this way — I find it helpful, and less overwhelming.

I wish he had been able to play with his tennis ball more. Since his jaw surgery — even out on Kingsley Bowl, nearly a month and a half after he should have been fully healed — any kind of chewing would cause renewed bleeding and pain.

I wish we had hugged him more. But truth be told, he didn't like hugs. They made him uncomfortable. So we gave him a hand to lay his head on, or a knee for him to pop his head upon, as often as he liked.

There were so many times I felt inconvenienced by owning a dog at all. They weren't the majority, but... now each remembered time feels like a splinter of selfishness.

I miss how familiar the back of his neck felt under my hand, just behind the ears, where the waves of fur meet and crash and make a long cowlick of foof and fluff.

His happy smile and his stressed smile were very similar, but you could still tell which was which.

I loved being there for him in thunderstorms.

When you think about it, we sort of were hospice care for him. We weren't his original owners; we just wanted the rest of his life to be painless and fulfilling. He had so many trust issues when he first came to us. And in the end, he loved anyone he met.

I miss feeling around with my feet to make sure I don't step on him on my way to bed. I miss setting my feet on the floor as I wake, stooping down, and giving his head a good squishy rub.

He never did get to see Boston snow. I mean... thousands of dogs never get to see snow. But I was really looking forward to sharing that experience with him.

I wanted so badly to bring him to a point of health, and then say goodbye when he was feeling well. Seeing him have his Best Last Day, part of me whispered "murderer" with cold accuracy, and I have a hard time shaking it. He was so happy — but between jaw bleeding after playing with a tennis ball, seeing him scratch his eyes that were starting to ache with ulcers again... I know the unbridled happiness came with the reality of his declining health.

Atlas was the best thing that ever happened to that boy. I know Charlie Brown was at least a little disgruntled that his easy-going day-to-day had been interrupted by a chompy puppy, but Atlas brought out the young pup in CB: ripping palm fronds to shreds, playing tug, playing tag, meeting new dogs with confidence and assurance.

I used to get so mad at my mother-in-law for feeding Charlie Brown cinnamon donuts. I wish I'd given him more. Heck, I wish I'd given him more peanut butter. I'm frankly surprised he hadn't died of peanut butter overdose years ago.

Where Charlie's health had limits, we kept going with Atlas. That might mean taking Atlas out to play with a ball or a tug toy, because CB couldn't. It breaks my heart now to think of Charlie at the glass door just watching it happen, all because he physically couldn't play the same. I know he didn't understand that.

We took him out to Park Ave maybe once or twice. I wish it had been more. Truth be told, it was the same as the dog park, though: he was kind of a loner. Loads of people or dogs made him anxious. So while I might idealize the past and wish he had sat at our legs for lunch after lunch at an outdoor thoroughfare, ... I think he would have been miserable. I think he would have rather just curled up at the base of the couch and dozed while we watched a show.

He was so trusting. I could just drag him onto his back and onto my lap for cuddles and a good tummy rub. No complaints.

He looked so gaunt these past few months. I keep looking at earlier photos, and I really didn't realize just how grizzly and drawn he had become lately.

I miss seeing him randomly waiting for me outside the bathroom door — or curled up on the bath mat while I was in the shower, having sneakily nosed the door open and wanting my company while I was rinsing.

For his first few years with us, he was incredibly playful. I've been going through old videos — it's like going outside just blew his mind, and toys were either for cherishing daintily, or thrashing about and throwing to oneself and gnawing. He lost that after a time. He regained it a bit when Atlas joined the party. But it still faded. I'm sure that's inevitable, but it makes me sad to see the early vibrant puppy in those old recordings, and how different he had been in recent months.

[punk-of-the-opera]

Okay so I'm gonna finally open up about why I switched schools.

MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING HERE

In the middle of 9th grade, I was a very depressed kid. I had gone to the psych ward back in 2018, but it wasn't helping. I had so many undiagnosed issues, mental and physical. I had never dealt with the abuser I mention a lot in my vents, he came later. The only things I dealt with were my overwhelming dysmorphia and bullying for so many reasons at school.

So, on March 18th, 2018, I tried to kill myself.

It was really an impulsive decision, I'd been crying for help and nobody could hear me. My girlfriend at the time was begging me not to, but I just couldn't handle the stuff I was dealing with.

So I downed 11 acetaminophen tablets and waited. The whole time my girlfriend was texting my parents (who were at work) what was going on.

She convinced me to call 911, so I did, explaining to my 13 year old sister that the paramedics were coming because I had downed all those pills.

God my stomach hurt so badly.

But the ambulance, police, and parents came. There I was shipped off in an ambulance to the hospital, all the while woozy as fuck.

There I drank charcoal, I'm lucky I didn't have to get my stomach pumped.

I spent the night in a hospital bed, hooked up to so many machines, IV in my arm, texting my girlfriend on my dad's phone.

The next morning, they transferred me to the psych ward, the worst one I've ever been to.

I got put in the girls ward, due to my bisexuality and how the guys there would absolutely harass and assault me for it (this place was mostly for violent behavior issues and teens going through drug rehab).

I didn't mind staying with the girls, they were nice and calm and all.

Through the whole experience, I wrote over 100 pages of a journal to my girlfriend, I still have the book.

God, it was awful there, always kids getting into fights, adults trying to escape, and the worlds most uncomfortable chairs.

Finally, I got out, and immediately had to attend school the next day.

Why did I change schools? So my parents could watch over and keep track of me, they both work for the school in the next county over from where I live.

My relationship with my girlfriend was fine, I regret ever putting her through that kind of pain, she deserves so much better.

I'm choosing to attend this other school for the rest of highschool. Not only are the classes easier, I got a fresh start. I could be a new person, I made some of my best friends.

I'm still friends with one person from that school, the best friend ever who's stuck by my side since the first day of 6th grade.

But anyway, that's basically my story. I later got diagnosed with OCD so that helped a lot with getting on the right medication. I got a new therapist and psychiatrist and while my mental health isn't the best right now, things are moving forward. Slowly but surely.

To end things off, enjoy a glowup of Mira (bff) and me. Truly my best friend forever, one of the only ones who's stuck by my side. <3

Oh god this had to be like, what? 6-7th grade?

To now:

Yes, I know we're in cosplay, but it's the only good pics I have of us together recently lol! I'd say we both had a glow up.

Thank you if you read all of this! My journey might not be as interesting as others, but I felt the need to tell it.

Just remember, you're so very loved.

<3

Erik.

[astras-world]

WHAT MAKES IT WORTH IT CHAPTER IV- AVOID.

Warnings:Swearing, small fight scene

Thanks for everyone who sent in suggestions from the prompt list!

You weren't sure how you were going to do this. How you were going to avoid having these secret moments with Tom so abruptly but you knew it had to happen.

This was getting you nowhere, your feelings would eventually get in the way of work and truth be told you still needed this job.

So you started small, like pulling your hand away when he grabs it or sitting next to anyone else except for him. You started to ask Harrison to wake Tom up early in the morning to get him to taping and he reluctantly obliged telling you that confronting Tom about your feelings would be more helpful and solve all your problems.

But it wasn't that easy, nothing with Tom was even as kids he would disagree with you and do the exact opposite of what you wanted to do, he was a pain in the ass.

Now is a whole other world of problems starting with how to detach yourself from him in any form possible, the first step to erasing your feelings for him.... Maybe.

Truth be told you had no idea how to do it or if it will even work cause you knew you were already in too deep, getting rid of your feelings for him seemed impossible.

You've been successful so far and so far meaning a couple of days and you weren't sure how much longer you can keep it up.

You missed him, everything about him. The way his hands felt against your skin, his soft lips pressing small kisses on random parts of your body, his body enveloping yours in his completely. You missed the comfort, you missed his laugh to the point that every chuckle physically pained you.

It hurted more everyday that passed, it made you want to run into his arms and stay there forever. But that wasn't possible you kept telling yourself everytime the thought came into your mind which happened way too often

You weren't sure if he noticed, if he did it didn't matter, he wasn't making much of an effort anyway.

But Tom did notice. He noticed the way your hand would slip away from his evertime he tried. He noticed how you didn't sat next to him anymore. How you made excuses to not join him for his naps, how you made Harrison wake him up Every morning instead of going yourself. He noticed how you would pull away from him when he started to get close

He figured that maybe you were mad at him or something so he gave you space thinking that in a couple of days everything would go back to normal. He hoped it will.

He missed you, more than he'd ever admit to himself. He missed running his fingers through your hair everytime you got a headache, he missed holding your hand and the comfort you provided, he missed the way you would fit into him so perfectly when he'd hold you as the both of you were sleeping, he missed your voice telling him off, your laugh, everything. It was almost painful.

But days turned to weeks and those weeks turned into a month, it was taking a toll on the both of you it was evident on the bags unde. your eyes and your forced smiles.

Tom didn't understand why you were acting the way that you were, it was starting to not matter at all. He just wanted his best girl back.

Tonight you were out clubbing with the rest of the gang, you needed to get drunk and Tom had a plan to talk to you.

So after entering the club you immediately went to the bar and ordered your favorite drink hoping to get drunk by the end of the night.

Your wishes came true cause nearing the end of the night you were drunk and dancing with strangers.

One particular stranger caught your eye, he was tall and had charming brown eyes and in your drunken state it was enough to get you giggling like a school girl.

Tom however wasnt in the mood for a drink and he kept an eye on you all night long, keeping an eye on the man that spoke to you at the bar.

Noticing his hand on your waist and the way you smiled up at him, he could almost hear your laugh if it weren't for the music blasting through the speakers surrounding the area.

He let you do your thing, let you get drunk, let you hang around this guy but that didn't stop the sinking feeling in his chest. It didn't stop him from clenching his jaw and his hand curl up into a fist.

Harrison noticed of course. Tom was never one to turn down a drink or a good time and so he followed his line of sight and there you were, flirting with a handsome stranger.

He had to laugh, you were both idiots who kept denying the way you felt about one another.

'She seems to be having a good time" Haz says nudging tom a little

"Mmm" Tom hummed in agreement.

"why aren't you?" Haz says turning to Tom

"What are you talking about? I am having a good time" Tom denies.

"uh huh, that shit doesn't work on me." Haz gives him a look.

"nothing, I just- I want my girl back." Tom says sighing

"She's not yours though, is she?" Haz says cautiously

"No she's- not in that way. You know what I mean" Tom stutters out.

"Yeah I know exactly what you mean. Why don't you make her yours?" Haz asks.

"We're not like that, man. Besides she deserves someone better" Tom says shaking his head.

"Someone better? What kind of better?" Haz asks outraged

"you know, someone stable. Someone who's not everywhere every time." Tom says.

"Mate she travels with you everywhere" Haz says flatly.

"yeah but that isn't what she wants now is it? She likes to settle down. She likes to stay at home, she's adventurous sure, but my kind of adventures aren't for her." Tom says.

"That doesn't even make any sense" Haz says and Tom sighs.

"Listen, Me and y/n, we're not like that. We can't" Tom says with finality

Harrison was about to respond when they heard a squeal very much like yours and they both turn their heads to where the sound came from

There they found you trying (and failing) to push the man away from you. Who was clearly trying to make a move

Tom's blood immediately boiled at the sight. Almost like blacking out he was suddenly punching the guy away from you.

"What the fuck, man?" the unknown guy said wiping blood off his face

"Thomas!" you shouted at the same time in shock immediately holding him back.

"She said no, man." Tom said menacingly.

"Why don't you mind your own fucking business?" The man said pushing tom provoking him further

"She is my business now back the fuck off will you?" Tom said lowly.

The man was about to throw another punch at Tom when Harrison interviened

"I wouldn't do that if I were you or would you rather face a billion dollar lawsuit for damaging Marvel's golden boy?" Haz said clicking his tounge tilting his head slightly.

The man left with an angry huff leaving you with Tom and Haz.

"Take her home, Tom" Haz then turned to you "And you little miss, are in a lot of trouble." pointing his finger at you a smirk playing on his lips.

Tom dragged you away after an exchange of goodbyes with your other friends keeping a tight arm on you as he goes along making sure you stayed by his side.

You on the other hand was still pretty out of it, just sober enough to understand what happened.

Tom led you to the car and you sat in silence for a while, you all too willing to keep ignoring him. If you break now you don't know what would happen.

"So that's it? You'll keep ignoring and avoiding me and think that I don't notice?" Tom said breaking his silence.

"I'm not avoiding you nor am I ignoring you." You said trying to keep your voice.

"I thought the saying went 'drunk people say sober thoughts" Tom said raising his eyebrow at you

"I'm sober" you said defensively

"You were drinking like a damn fish" Tom said flatly

"I may have had a couple shots." you say pouting

"Uh huh, that's what I thought." Tom says humorously.

"Why are you like this? What did I do?" Tom

"You didn't do anything."You shrugged

"Then why are you mad at me?" Tom said defeatedly.

"I'm not mad at anyone" you said blankly.

"Well why are you acting like this, then?" Tom asks

"Acting like what?" You ask brows furrowed.

"Acting like, like,, not like you!" Tom says.

"And when did you become an expert on who I am?" you ask incredulously

"You can't possibly think you're the only one who picks up on habits, who cares enough to notoce anything?" Tom ask rhetorically but you answer anyway.

"Yes. I do. And if anyone else were to, they wouldn't be you." You say.

"and why is that?" Tom asks

"The only person you care about is yourself." Ypu say, immediately wanting to take it all back.

"That's bullshit and you know it." Tom says hotly.

It was. You knew it was. You knew he cared more than he'd ever let on. You knew he cares too much sometimes. He always cared.

But you stayed silent anyways. You were persistent on staying like this. You didn't have it in you to find out what would happen if partially drunk you started talking about what's wrong.

So the drive continued silently. You didn't notice falling asleep but the next thing you knew you were being carried up.

You felt the familiar warmth wrapping around you and you immediately relax, you missed this, everything about it and now here you were back in his arms like and you didn't know how the hell you could ever pry yourself away from him ever again.

So you open your eyes slightly still half asleep.

I love you.

You wanted to say. You wanted him to know. You wanted to just tell him right there.

But you didn't..

"you have, the most beautiful eyes, Tommy." you muttered so quietly it was a miracle he heard you.

"Really, love? I thought they're quite boring?" Tom said humorously reminding you of a moment where you told him that his eyes were indeed boring

You and Tom were only starting to get along, today you had to help him with his lines, Tom always had a hard time reading his lines but he did great remembering it, his dyslexia has been getting difficult especially being mixed with stress and time zone changes, so he needed extra help studying his lines.

The scene you were reading was between him and Zendaya, a scene where they take off swinging in the city and the dialogue starts once they land

"Oh my god I am never doing that again" you said acting as though you were breathless

"It was fun! Sorry, did I freak you out?" he said acting happy then immediately switched to concernedYou lift your eyes from the script meeting his eyes feeling yourself slowly drifting deeper into his chocolate colored eyes.

"No, I just uhm.. I-" you stutter forgetting the lines immediately looking back down on your script and blushing

"Getting lost in my eyes, love?" He says teasingly a smirk dancing on his lips.

"Oh please Thomas, who would get lost in your eyes?" you scoff bot allowing yourself to get caught.

"You apparently." Tom chuckles and you scoff

"How could I? You have the most boring, standard eyes anyones ever had" You say rolling your eyes"

whatever you say, darlin'."

"Hmm, I lied" you hum.

"I know darling, I saw you blush." Tom says laughing "Nothing wrong in thinking I'm attractive, love" he shrugs a smile playing on his lips as he lays you down on the bed Taking off your shoes and crouched on the floor near you brushing hair away from your face.

"There is when you don't think the same." you mumbled.

"Now who said I don't find you attractive?" Tom chuckles

"I did." You sneered sleepily.

"Now that's just ridiculous, love. I think you're gorgeous." Tom said softly, seriously, admiration clear in his voice

You opened you eyes only to meet his and your gazes lock on each other.

"Can I tell you a secret, love?" Tom asks

"Anything." you answer right away.

"I really want to kiss you right now." Tom says brushing his thumb against your cheek.

"then kiss me." You said seriously your eyes still locked on each other.

"If I kiss you right now, I won't be able to stop." Tom said his lips inches away from you.

Taglist:

Shoot me an ask if you wanna be included or removed from this taglist! Please leave a like, send feedback and reblog Thanks for the support on this series, yall are A M A Z I N G.

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[supergirlimagine]

Sticks and Stones pt.2

Red!K Kara x B!Danvers Reader

There was darkness around you and all you feel is Pain. You hear voices, that you can't quite place, but they sound familiar. You slowly open your eyes and start to look around. A Hospital..No the DEO, you’re in the DEO, you realize and your memory slowly sets in. The fight, the Pain, the words that had been said. Your sisters hate you, they hate you and they want you out of their Life, you knew it, you always knew it deep down, that you didn't belong to them. They were Heroes and you’re just, well..You. Your Breathing is getting quicker, the Machines around you are going wild and you just want to get out, want to leave. Now. You try to get up despite your Ribs screaming at you to lay back down and your Lungs burning. Something tugs at your arm as you try to reach to get off the bed, you realize is your IV, which you promptly pull out. Pain shoots through your arm but like everything else, you ignore it. Your feet are just about to hit the ground when strong arms wrap around you from the back, holding you in place. You just now realize that you have been sobbing and hyperventilating. You can barely see, but you’d know these Arms anywhere. “Alex”, You half whisper, half yell. Your voice sounds raspy and broken. It almost feels like you are bleeding from the inside with every word you rasp out. Neverthelss, you continue

“No, Let go! Let me go. I have to leave!”,

You start to protest, weakly trying to escape her embrace. The Blood running down on your arm painting the white sheets and gown in a dark red.

“No..Shh. Shhh Y/N. Its alright. Just lay down. I got you, just Rest.I got you.” She’s half sitting behind you on the Bed now and running her fingers through your Hair. You almost hate her for how calm she sounds, how reasonable. How the whole word could be on fire right now, but with your eldest sisters right next to you, you wouldn't even worry for half a second. You want to hate her for it, or more hate yourself for how dependent you are on her comfort, but you can't help yourself as you slowly sink into her embrace. Letting her voice calm you down until your sobs turn into hiccups.

Just as you look up and try to forget the emotional and physical pain just for a split second, you catch Karas eyes. She standing at the end of your Bed, matching your outfit with a Hospital gown, looking like she wants to reach out to you, but hesitant and with silent Tears streaming down her face. The silence is suffocating and you can't hold her eyes for more than a couple seconds, but it felt like the staring contest of a lifetime. You turn and burry your face in Alex’s shoulder, wishing everything and everyone away.

This isn't’ real, they don’t want you. They hate you. You are a burden and Kara doesn't’ even want to life with you, you are annoying and useless, you should..

“”Y/N. What was that?”” Something breaks your train of thoughts, you must have been speaking out loud. Alex eyes are starring back at you, concern marking her features.

““I..””

You cough and try to clear you throat, which is only making the Pain worse. You try and remember why your throat hurts so damn much, when the image of your Alien sister chocking you comes into your mind and you look up to her for a second out of reflex. Your eyes meet hers for the second time, she knows what you just remembered. It’s unsure to say who was in more Pain in that exact moment.

You try again

““I said..I’m sorry. I-I. Can lea-..””, Kara looks at you panicked, to afraid to speak, but wanting to make you see that you weren'’t at fault. She can’t find the words and Alex beats her to it.

“”No! Sweetie..Y/N. I know there is a lot to talk about, but you have to know that what happened tonight was terrible and I know you are scared and confused. Kara was infected with Red Kryptonite. It made her..Not be herself. She didn't’ mean what she said. Or meant to do what she did. She’’ll tell you that herself.”

Alex looked up to her sister, trying to encouraging her to speak up, but the blonde remained silent, lost for words. She wiped her tears and stepped forward, your eyes were focused on the blonde, wanting to, but not really believing Alex. She reaches out and tries to touch your arm and you can’t help but flinch away from her touch, new tears welling up in both of your eyes. Pulling her hand away like she’s been burned and taking a step back, she lays some tissues and a band-aid on the side of your bed. Close enough so you can reach it, far enough so she’s not in your space.

“”You...”” she clears her throat.

“You are Bleeding, Y/N”, she points at you arm, where you had just ripped out the IV.

Seconds pass.

“”I’m so. So sorry.””, she says in a shaking voice before looking at Alex one more time, who begs her with her eyes to stay and talk.

She ignores the silent request and turns around to leave. You feel Alex hug you closer and you look at you arm and over to the bandages. She left you Mickey Mouse Band-aids. You know you were way too old for those, but she always keeps them just for you.

On a family trip to Disneyland you had fallen and cut open your knee while running around with Kara, who had been put in charge of you for the short walk from the Teacup ride to the Bathrooms. It was a short walk, and your Mother had been able to see the two of you the whole way over. For Kara it was the single most important responsibility of her young lifetime. Usually Alex was the one in charge of big girl stuff, but this time it was her and she took that job really serious, just like she’d seen Alex do all the time. Her heart had doubled in size with pride. She had looked your Mother in the eyes with a seriousness in her expression, you had ever seen before. Nodding with determination, when she was told to look after her little sister. You guys had been so caught up in your fun and freedom, that you took a tumble, which resulted in a minor cut with some minor bleeding on your part. Kara had freaked out and picked you up quicker than you had fallen and carried you halfway through the park, trying to remain at an acceptable human pace, to the first aid station. They gave you a Mickey Mouse band-aid for your knee and free ice cream for the Tears. You and Kara had returned to your worried mother, who had only looked away for a split second and an annoyed Teenage Alex, with smiles on your Faces and ice cream in hands. She had been mad that you two went further than she had allowed, but in an even more serious face than she had worn before, your sister had told her, that she had done what was necessary to look after her little sister and make sure she was fine. All while eating away at the ice-cream that was melting down one hand, while the other one was holding yours tight. All you could do was stare at her in wonder, from that point forward you were pretty sure that your sister hung the moon and the stars.

Ever since then Kara had made a point of keeping Mickey Mouse Band-Aids around. Even different themes for different seasons, but she always had them ready for you. If you had a Paper cut or got a small burn from trying and failing to make any type of meal for yourself. Sometimes she would just use them to cheer you up and it always worked. She had always been right there to help you through the pain.

You looked up at the Door where she had just left out of. Never would you have thought, that she one day would be on the giving end of that Pain.

[pokefanbri]

https://www.facebook.com/104057744428568/posts/156998459134496/?sfnsn=mo&d=n&vh=e

Fucking told him its a huge red flag if someone doesn't get rid of their apps. Multiple apps. Smh 😠 "oh yea i don't use them anymore" proceeds to use fb dating app" for real come on bro!

Some comments of the post:

"If you have to be checking up on your Partner then you shouldn't be with that person.. Idk how people have time for all this .. love yourself and know your worth.."

"If you're in a serious committed exclusive relationship you should not be on tinder. That's how I met my fiance and as soon as we said we are gf and bf and exclusive we both deleted it. Honestly if I was her I would have broken up with him too"

"a person also has a right to trust their gut feeling and check things out if something's not feeling right. Knowledge is power"

I've already discussed this but this news clip further validates my point of the topic, nothing more. I could call him out on hs bs further with detail, but I won't....yet, out of respect even though he probably doesn't deserve it. Til he reaches me & apologizes for everything he's done, i can say whatever tf I want & i could make a whole damn list.

Its the events of this what happened that started our downfall to begin with cuz i didn't trust him & he didn't even try to gain it back just left it as is when I could've turned my back right then & there, no apology either. Didnt apologize much actually, not even when i last saw him. But from then we spiraled & he got bored of me. I wasn't giving him what he wanted in whatever way & he wanted to find more. Closed himself off from the beginning & that created his boredom 😒

Would've had a blast together like a normal fucking couple if he was less closed off, & wouldn't have felt the need to do shit behind my back.

I'll stop talking about it for now, I have the anger & urge to keep going but I wont...actually no Screw it im pissed 😡 but ill keep it light. Its just not fair, I did so much for him but I was disrespected in different aspects of the whole relationship. Fuck! I've talked about the positives alot cuz i do love him..but the negatives are such bs too.

I want a good ass sincere apology for all of it so I can forgive him & move on, ive already apologized myself even though I dont think I should have to 😒. Didnt even give me a straight answer for the breakup, it was always a different excuse when I know he just wanted to pursue other women without me around im not fucking stupid. His own toxicity was too much even for himself & I was in the line of fire, to where i was the toxic one? No fuck that its unacceptable, he always lied when it came to covering his own ass.

For all i know he's watching me squirm & taking pleasure in all the pain I'm going through over him cuz he likes the attention. But no I actually don't think so on that one he's still good & ill give him credit where its due. But I gave him all the attention he wanted/needed & still wanted more from someone else. Really dude fucking really!?

Man up & own up to your mistakes, speak to me where I can actually hear ur voice speaking back to me with sincerity. We'll apologize together. Yea ull be pissed about this, but after u get over it & calm down. Give in & call me, granted when ur ready, & open up for once in your damn reserved life. Itll help us both with more closure & may even take a weight off our shoulders if we just talk it out, no arguing...since we're done there's no point anyway..a friendly non judgment zone cuz idc, i won't think of u any less.

U confused me during & especially after the relationship cuz i didnt know who u really were, i know the good cuz that's what u allowed me to see, ive accepted the bad that I knew already & from what ive learned...i accepted u regardless.

I always forgave u & not cuz im passive, cuz forgiveness is what the Bible teaches.. ive forgiven u & myself the best i could especially with the last things ive showed u, (accept this part cuz im pissed rn & standing up for myself, ill delete eventually maybe if u ask cuz nobody wants to be seen any less of a person. but I can make it alot worse, calling me the mistake was the worst thing u ever said to me & pointing out your faults so u can be better throughout the relationship was my only toxicity to u) we actually never really fought except the 1 time, just argued a tiny bit rarely about little things.

Ive tried using every ounce of my courage to show u how much im sorry for any wrong ive done. but its up to u now to make things right. U know me, ive always said that u can talk to me about anything. I want to be able to trust again & move on whilst staying friends. What else do u have to lose, might even have a great heart to heart convo dude to dudet

Everything ive ever said up to this point lies all my Questions. But here's most of the list, we both were equally in control of the relationship. Maybe u didn't want me to? But doing everything I had to for myself & the household, what u & ur parents wanted of me & just me being me cuz i had to, u had your own part to play & did provide...but did u actually not want me to cater to u if it were a sign u were lazy or something? Like did u not feel worthy of me? What is it u think is my "addicting personality" that isn't fixable on the surface? What is it really that u didnt like about me? This is why i don't have closure, u left me like this, confused as well as wanting more since u held back so much. Was that on purpose to give me even more false hope & want me to pine over u? Did u ever or do u still, love me at all? What did u want from me & out of the relationship, what was the purpose of it from ur perspective & why do u think i couldn't give that to u? What did i lack that u felt compelled to not tell me so I could improve & vise versa so we both could improve? Why wouldn't u allow me to help u become a better man when (I shouldnt have to btw), its exactly what u wanted but maybe didnt see it? Do u realize your own faults even as u do them? Lol. Like i genuinely want to know as much as the good ive seen, cuz to be better the more open of a person u are the more u understand yourself too.

Unless claiming u want to be a better man is part of ur alluring charm in love bombing process to land a caring girl on purpose lol...god I hope not, that would just mean u rinse & repeat like a for real narcissist 🤔 seriously tho look into that im not even kidding, im asking cuz i care. Im pissed now but 1 thing is that im trying to not put ur behavior against u cuz maybe u can't help it, its just the way u are, all ive seen & experienced points to maybe 50% of u lol. Ive always suspected narcissism, a real psych problem that might be worth looking into. But yea 1 of the reasons especially why im so forgiving & trying not to put it against u, why i still care despite u being a dick lol. I chose to look past it, all the time & up to now cuz I understand what its like to have psychological ailments. The worst part about it is most dont realize it, so i encourage u to do some research & self reflection & admitting it to urself are the 1st steps. Okay? There's different kinds & levels to being 1 too, i found that fascinating. bryan is definitely a different type, ur more lighter than that...definitely not the worst which is the physical harm type. Trust me its worth finding out more about yourself, just dont use it to ur advantage in a bad way but i trust u to do right & grow. Not sure a discarded supply (ie me) has ever tried telling a narcy what they might be for the benefit of their own self awareness 🤔,idk if its ever been done, but theres a 1st for everything? U can find alot on it in quora digest alone but Google is also ur friend.

You always were worth every effort of mine to help u in any way to be happy, & i was most happy when u were. U mean alot to me still, its the effect u had on me, I was under ur spell lol its hard to rid myself of it still, not sure when it'll pass. I chose to see it as a gift rather than a curse, that ur effect on me is still so strong when I shouldn't give a damn. If u really are a narcy, then I understand & don't put alot against u cuz its just the way u are & i need to accept it, but if it somehow helps u to help yourself cuz of it, then whats the harm? But, even in doing this or having my socials public for u...maybe just feeds into what u want...i still dont care, I want u to see how bad or good im doing without u in my life, so u know im okay at least. U promised friendship, least I can do is allow u to keep tabs on me too we spoke of, on my end of things.

The 18th of June was the last time i saw u. It'll soon be a month ago in about a week & a 1/2 & your birthday would mark 2 months. Cant believe we couldn't even last through to that 😔

Mark my words playa I will be contacting u on that day lol. Can't ghost your homie forever sweetie