#moreso than the possibility of having COVID

[ambersky0319]

My family may have covid again

Fun times /s

[crippleprophet]

Hello! Do you or your followers have any tips for attending an academic conference with chronic pain and mobility disability?

ooh okay this definitely isn’t universal bc the only conference i went to in person was fall 2019 & a huge biomedical engineering one, so both scale & the particular flavors of ableism may differ for you not to mention yk. covid. but here are my takeaways:

if you don’t have a motorized mobility aid you may want to rent one - i rented a mobility scooter for part of the time & immediately called to extend the rental for the full duration after getting there because the conference center was fucking massive. i definitely could not have physically walked it. so see if you can check the size ahead of time & plan accordingly - it sucks that disabled people have to put in so much effort but if it’s at a conference center calling the staff might help. if it’s at a university their access & accommodations office might have a relevant campus map

i stayed at the adjoining hotel also for access reasons (getting a mobility scooter into an uber is not my idea of a fun time) which was way more expensive than my colleagues who could share an air bnb. check with your department to see if they have conference funding! your university’s access & accommodations and/or financial aid offices also might have recommendations for funding options

if you’re doing a poster presentation & will be seated, a laser pointer might be helpful if you won’t be able to point at the top of the poster with your hand! someone also recommended i make little printed flyers with summaries, the main graphics, etc so i could talk to people directly more easily since i couldn’t present the “standard” way - your department should also be able to print that sort of thing for you if you’re interested

if the conference is at a university, check social media to see what disabled students are saying about access issues to anticipate etc

it’s gonna be ableist. again this is coming from my experience in BME which is super cure-oriented so it might not be universal, but however ableist you expect it to be, double that. i had at least two breakdowns over the 4 days about how hard it was to navigate the environment, how isolating it was, feeling like i wouldn’t be able to have a career in academia, etc. if at all possible, have a support system “on call” for you during this time - if you’re 18 or older & want to join my bitter cripple discord, feel free to dm me! i’d also think about learning about any disabled people in your field. & if you want some commiseration, i have several poems about my conference experience in my chapbook mountaintop (available free)

invest in a P100 respirator if you haven’t already! i have one of the kinda cyberpunk looking ones but people can be weird about it (moreso than they already are for masks they recognize), my gf uses the Flo Mask which is less obtrusive & really likes it

i hope that’s helpful! other folks feel free to add on, & please dm me or send another ask if you have more questions! i will leave you with two blessings, one from my first disability studies professor & the other from a longtime friend:

run people over.

take up space. take up more.

[celticcrossanon]

Hi Celta, I hope you don't mind me asking, but I'm very interested to hear your thoughts on the book that Omid ( ably assisted by the Harkles, IMO,). I can't believe it was allowed to be published, honestly. Is there more to it than we realise?

Hope you're feeling better x

Hi NZCarol,

I was feeling a lot better and planning to come back and start blogging again this weekend.

Then I got covid (thank you family members) and now I am a miserable mess.

With respect to the book:-

I believe the writing and structure is dreadful, which explains why his first book had a co-writer.

It is very clearly Meghan and Harry speaking through the author, Meghan moreso than Harry imo (although Harry is by no means blameless).

it is also very clearly an outpouring of spite and hatred against the BRF, specifically the King and the Prince and Princess of Wales. The contents are apparently a repeat of all the gossip from social media, so old news and stale news.

I think the three people involved in writing the book (Harry, Meghan and their mouthpiece) wrote it to vent their spite and hatred, and that it was designed to cause as much trouble for the BRF as possible.

I also think that those three people grossly underestimated the ability of the general public to see through their bullshit and to understand exactly what they are doing.

The only real point of interest that has been picked up by the media is the naming of the so-called royal racists as King Charles and The Princess of Wales, which is a) unbelievable given the named people's past history of behaviour b) clearly an attempt to boost sales and c) not to be believed as that story has changed its details every time it was repeated, right from the start with two version being given in the Oprah interview. With both the author and Meghan being proven liars in court, it is difficult to take anything they say with any degree of veracity.

@emmashouldbewriting has explained that the agents handled the English version rights, but the author themself handled the foreign language rights, which means that the version with the names that was translated was supplied by the author

I think the author saying the names was a mistranslation is a lie. That is not how translation works. I think including the names of the royal racists was deliberate, to boost sales and to cause problems for the BRF. I also think that by blaming the translators the author has done a lot of harm to two innocent people.

I think the book is a targeted and deliberate attack on Charles, William and Catherine, and it is designed to make Charles look like a bad king. I have no idea why someone would write this apart from spite and malice. From the title and the blurbs, the author clearly thought that this book would take down the monarchy and finish it for good, but to do that the book needed several things it is sorely lacking, such as coherence, an organised structure, and truly shocking information about corruption backed up by proof instead of stale gossip that has done the rounds many times before appearing in the book.

I think the book was a definite attempt to undermine and discredit the British Monarchy, I think it has failed, and I think that Harry and Meghan will now scramble to disassociate themselves from the book with more lies, if they have not already done so.

The question now is how will King Charles respond to this collection of obvious hatred. Any reaction will be twisted by the author and Harry and Meghan into more publicity, so there is a case for ignoring it (continuing the grey rocking), but there are also the questions of how far is too far and when do you have to take steps to protect yourself and your family.

By itself, I believe the book is nothing more than an incoherent jumble of opinion mixed with old and tired gossip, seasoned with a liberal does of spite and malice, but it is part of a bigger pattern, one of continual malicious attacks on the BRF by Harry and Meghan. Is it time to shut the couple down for good, and if so, how would you do it so it is both decisive and effective? I think those are the questions facing King Charles and his response with either fix the situation for good or male it much worse.

[i-still-mask-because]

Are cloth/fabric masks effective? Or are disposable masks the best choice? I get mixed answers when I look it up; some sources say fabric masks are fine and some say n95 masks and the like are best (even moreso than classic disposable surgical masks).

(ps. Sorry to treat you like google but I figure you may have more info than I do)

Hello! Thank you for reaching out to ask this, and thank you for your patience! I really don't mind helping others learn about this, so no need to apologize! I'll try to answer these chronologically & thoroughly:

Are cloth/fabric masks effective?

No, cloth/fabric masks are not effective protection against covid-19 and its variants, especially if you're wearing just that alone. If a cloth mask is the only option you have right now, I think it's better than nothing; I would just suggest perhaps, if possible, layering the cloth mask on top of a surgical mask (Heads-up: there's a chance this may feel uncomfortable because it may feel like your breathing is being restricted). It would be best to just upgrade to something that's made with enough layers to filter out covid-19, if you're able to.

If affording quality masks is difficult for you or anyone else that reads this, I suggest:

Asking around in any libraries, youth centers, or health centers near you if they have any available to give away for free.

Checking out this link, which is supposed to be a directory of locations that offer free N95 masks (this page hasn't been updated since January, so I'm not sure how accurate it is anymore but it's still worth a shot).

Look out for folks online that are giving away masks in bulk for free; definitely measure out how comfortable you feel with sharing your address to them of course. If it helps, I can guarantee there's people out there that genuinely want to help share masks with other folks that need them, so for sure use your intuition and know that more often than not people are a lot more genuine than you think with mask distribution projects like that (I'm speaking from personal experience. I've been able to get a lot of masks for free because of the help of a couple distribution projects on Twitter; as I'm writing this, I'm currently waiting for masks to be delivered from this distribution project!)

Are disposable masks the best choice?

It depends on what disposable mask you're referring to. As you mentioned, there's a big, big difference between the quality of a blue surgical mask and a N95. This is not only because of the difference in the amount of layers they have, but also a difference in the way they can fit over your face (surgical masks are designed to be a lot looser on one's face, which allows for leaks of air wherever the gaps are; this is risky). I highly recommend an N95 or KN95. NIOSH Approved 3m Aura N95 masks are an example of quality ones you can get! (Heads-up: In general you may notice masks like N95 and KN95 are called "respirators" as opposed to "masks", and that's because they're built for the purpose of preventing aerosol inhalation & are designed to closely fit your face to block out any air leaks. This article explains the difference. I personally use the word "mask" anyways for colloquial reasons)

I recommend reading this page on the People's CDC's website about masking (I recommend looking at their content in general for updates & statistics about covid as well as recommendations & guidance). This is a mask quality chart from that previous link (image description is in the alt text):

I hope this helped!

[emmashouldbewriting]

I went digging about E&B's living situation and this is all I could find:

Eugenie and Beatrice shared a 4 bedroom apartment at St James’s. Bea got the apartment when she started uni in London and lived rent-free until 2012, when Andrew had to start paying rent, £20k a year (commercial rates were between £100-150k/yr). Ahead of Euge's wedding to Jack, they moved to Ivy Cottage at KP grounds. Bea stayed at SJ, Edo moved in, they bought a house in Cotswolds in 2021 and moved there in November 2022. It’s possible they still have some London place since Bea is often papped in London. 

Euge and Jack moved to Royal Lodge around Covid, in Summer 2020 went back to Ivy Cottage and in late 2020 moved to Frogmore Cottage and stayed there only for 6 few weeks. Allegedly H&M wanted E&J to pay them rent and pro-Sussex source said they wanted to extend the lease so the family knew they weren’t going to disappear. This is an interesting H&M quote from May 2022 btw: „by agreeing to extend the lease, and with Jack and Eugenie focusing on Portugal, they have a firm presence smack-bang in the middle of Windsor Court where it’s all happening. They can now come and go any time they please. The coming year could be one of the most tumultuous in royal history and the Sussexes are making sure they have a foothold in Windsor.”

After moving out of FC in January 2021, E&J went back to RL and 2021 is when things get murky, I couldn’t find any reports, there were some articles that said they lived at FC again until 2022, who knows. 

Early May 2022 is when things get interesting again, there are first reports of then-Cambridges moving to Adelaide Cottage and York sources come out saying that Euge and Andrew tried to secure the cottage for her and would have if it wasn’t for Andrew’s scandals. Then the same month it’s announced that E&J will move to Portugal for Jack’s work and will use Ivy Cottage again as their UK base. 

Now we’re in 2023 and according to OK! Magazine, so I’m going to take it with a grain of salt, tho some parts are quite interesting. E&J moved back to FC in February and H&M couldn’t be happier that they took it over, Andrew is also happy that Euge got it, E&J packed up H&M’s items and when they visited, also in February, they brought small personal belongings, E&J want their kids to be brought up in England but also want to split time between England and California and will be staying in Montecito with H&M. 

Anon, you are a little investigative genius! Thanks so much for all this. I think that if Eug had Frogmore, it would have come out for sure around the leaks about the lease ending. All we got was Andrew instead, and it feels like Andrew would get it over her, to be honest. I can see her packing up their stuff, but we've heard so much about Eug's living situation.

Like I said earlier, anyone who isn't paying market rent now, soon will be. Charles is cleaning house.

As for this: "The coming year could be one of the most tumultuous in royal history" - boy were the Sux right, but it seems to be moreso for them than anyone else!!

[president-vladimir-poutine]

Petekey at the museum in 2023

I submitted this as a final paper for one of my uni classes. I got an A and everyone on the bus clapped

Anonymous, “Untitled” (Transcription of Pete Wentz’s Livejournal Entry from June 28, 2005), permanent marker on bathroom wall, ca. 2010. Chicago Leather Museum and Archives.

My first visit to the Chicago Leather Museum and Archives in February 2020 was nothing short of a religious experience. In the midst of swelling discourse amongst chronically online teenagers and young adults with regards to whether or not kink should be “allowed at pride” (though, unbeknownst to us, the argument was about to become utterly moot and stay that way for a period of two years), going to the museum was reprieve, a breath of fresh air that materialized the historical enmeshment of queerness and kink: kink has been part of queer relationality and organization in the United States and beyond since at least the Second World War, and arguably long before that. However, through a combination of the massive loss of life due to AIDS and movements towards assimilation with straight society, much of that history (despite efforts towards preservation) has been lost. The people who collected our belongings after our deaths, not wanting us to be remembered as “perverse,” discarded the kinky trash; those of us who wanted to distance themselves from the other, degenerate queers insisted that this wasn’t a “normal” part of gay life, and that their sexual practices were “just like anyone else’s”—vanilla, sanitized, monogamous, and, more likely than not, infrequent.

Admittedly, the emotional impact of my first visit can only be attributed in very small part to the validation I felt seeing the efforts made at preserving this “taboo” facet of queer life: the museum was the backdrop of learning I had received a grant from my university to fund an installation piece I had proposed that would question the legal system’s, academia’s, and even lay society’s insistence upon empirical, physical proof, when so much of the queer and disabled experience are either swept under the rug, intentionally obscured for the sake of survival, or not recorded in the first place. For one of the first times in my life, I felt understood and appreciated as a person who had something to offer. I was being recognized by my department for my work, I was going to transform what had been a lifetime of suffering into something of greater value, I was surrounded by evidence of a life I never thought I would be able to embrace, and was going home to my partner to tell them the great news.

This all blew up in my face. Not even a month later.

The COVID-19 pandemic sent me back to a world where expressions, let alone enactments, of queerness, particularly transness, would have immediate material consequences. And I’d managed, in the beginning, but only because that was how I’d already lived my entire life up until that point: queerness was something for my online diary, to be performed only in the virtual spaces of tumblr.com and Archive of Our Own, and maybe, maybe in a playthrough of The Sims every so often. But as I watched the people around me continue to grow past these strategies of survival, even in explicit times of crisis, I found myself sinking further into them. In my childhood home, I grew isolated from the LGBT “community.” My way of being was now a sign of immaturity, no longer needed now that ~SoCiEtY~ had grown so much more “accepting.” There was no reason to continue burrowing in the world of fannish space and slash fanfiction when it was okay to hold hands with your same-sex partner in public, no value of creating an imagined reality wherein queerness was possible in any context when gayness and trans being were now supposedly allowed in every context. I covertly took part in a virtual study, partially because I needed the money but moreso because I needed someone to hear me, on the psychological, social, and financial effects of the COVID-19 pandemic on the LGBT community, but even in those focus groups, I felt there was a profound disinterest in what I had to say.

When I was reunited with my partner later in the year, I clung to them the same way I had clung to anyone who was even remotely tolerating of my queerness, as I had done in high school. Confused as to why I had become so dependent, and deeming it unacceptable, they cast me off and joined Tinder (but, ironically, not Grindr) within a number of days.

In the wake of this loss, I retreated even further into the safe space of fandom. The strategies of relationality I’d learned living most of my life as a closeted kid on the Internet were no longer desirable in the “grown-up” world, but in fan spaces, these attachment patterns were treated as core features of queerness: clinginess was taken as evidence of true love, and the more obsessive a character (or real person) was, the more likely it was that their feelings towards their object of affection would be read as romantic or sexual. I fell into a rabbit hole of pairings that helped me understand and express my own obsessive tendencies, including the alleged affair between Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance bassists Pete Wentz and Mikey Way, or, as it is better known, “Petekey.”

Without getting bogged down on details, the core evidence for Petekey’s “canonicity” comes from a series of posts Pete Wentz made to his Livejournal account while on Warped Tour in 2005, in which he spent a lot of time (and, on numerous documented occasions, traded clothes) with Mikey Way, including overnight visits made by each band member to the other’s tour bus. Many of these entries either describe the amount of time spent with Way or suddenly finding new reasons to live or appreciate life due to being in love, the most salient being the following:

“Amazing new mexico sunset. I’m hanging on a bridge with my friend mikey way from my chem. Its all orange and pink above us. We went to another waterpark again. I love high fives again. Totally back in love. Saw the most amazing movie… I think its called spirited away. Watch it.”

-Pete Wentz, June 28, 2005

Shortly after the end of the summer they spent together, these themes stopped appearing in Pete Wentz’s Livejournal posts, but near-direct quotes pulled from these posts began appearing in songs written by Wentz about heartbreak even 10 years after the end of that summer. And, as the cherry on top, while introducing one of these songs at the Reading Festival in 2016, at which Way was in attendance, Wentz proclaimed (to no one in particular), “I’m sorry. Every single song is about you.”

The appeal of Petekey isn’t in the notion of emo boys making out or speculating about the sexualities of real people, but in recognizing and appreciating through their interactions the value of one’s own covert performances of queerness—especially as the noxious, caucasious notion that one must proclaim their love for their partner loudly and in public to prove they are not “ashamed” of them runs increasingly rampant. And what can only be interpreted as Wentz’s perseveration on the loss of this relationship mirrors the grief that underscores the entire (admittedly small) body work I’ve created since experiencing my own loss.

Needless to say—a lot of things had happened between my two visits to the Leather Museum and Archives. Still, when I returned to the museum, I expected my experience there would be much of the same as it was the first time I had visited (save for winning the grant). However, I was quickly informed there was a key part of the museum I had yet to see: the bathroom.

Anonymous, “Untitled” (Leone Abbacchio, Nude, Tied to a Tree), permanent marker on bathroom wall, ca. 2020. Chicago Leather Museum and Archives.

Though not an “official” part of the Museum’s collection, the bathroom at the Leather Museum itself is an archive of contemporary queer modes of being. The walls are nearly covered in graffiti, some expressions of sex-positivity, some decolonial and abolitionist political slogans, lots of cartoon penises, and shorthand descriptions of appearance and preferences accompanied by contact info for the sake of finding hookups. We had spoken at length, both in class and in the Archives itself, about how coded contact books, zines, and bathroom cruising had become “things of the past” with the advent of the Internet, implying we had somehow moved past all of these things, but here was the Leather Museum bathroom—referencing the Internet, sure—very much following the same analog traditions.

As I’ve reintegrated back into on-campus life following my sabbatical spent back in time in the most homophobic little corner of Los Angeles, I’ve become keenly aware the ways in which my experiences differ from those of the other queer urbanites of my generation. That my own methods of using online, “cringey” fan spaces to survive have themselves become “things of the past” makes me sometimes try to pretend they aren’t still major parts of my life, distancing myself from them in hopes I can be accepted by those who fundamentally do not understand me, and who may not want to understand me.

I’ve always understood the importance of the Leather Museum as a testament to the importance of resisting the urge to assimilate, of embracing the parts of yourself that have helped you find community, survive, and thrive in a world that seeks to eliminate you—even if others may see them as “dirty”—but recognizing my own, more day-to-day experiences in the Leather Museum and Archives’ collections wouldn’t have occurred if I hadn’t spent 20 minutes worth of my most recent visit next to the toilet. I had already found myself totally enraptured in the graffiti, in the contemporary, DIY expressions of self-love, community care, and desire for intimacy that would now be permanently stored in the Museum’s bathroom walls, but the Petekey graffiti, the transcription of the Livejournal entry that I’ve always seen the most of myself in (but would never, up until now, publicly admit to doing), made me cry the way my first visit to the Museum should have.

Sometimes I wonder if the more things change, the more they stay the same. We claim that things have improved for the LGBT community and other marginalized groups on the whole, but drag performances are being banned nationwide, transness is becoming criminalized, young girls must go through genital inspections before being permitted to participate in school sports, and our government has allowed a deadly illness that disproportionately affects the working class and other marginalized groups to run rampant for the sake of “protecting the economy” while not batting an eye when these populations die or become further disabled. And while insisting that one must distance themself from the fannish spaces they inhabited in their youth to find reprieve from homophobia and/or transphobia because it’s embarrassing and we’ve since “moved on” pales in comparison to the discarding of important personal belongings following a loved one’s death due to AIDS, at the core of both practices is the misguided belief that denying one’s right to embrace that which has been crucial to their lives or acknowledge it as a part of them simply because it is “weird” will somehow improve material conditions for the community as a whole.

I’d always seen myself and the strategies of resistance I (theoretically) believe in, in the leather and denim vests preserved in the Archive; I’ve always understood that leather and kink spaces have been key sites of organization and community for queer people; I’ve always understood that trying to paint these spaces as no longer necessary for queer survival does more harm than good. Yet, when it comes to my own generation’s survival tactics, like many others, I too tried to distance myself from them and act (at least, in public) like they were not an inherent part of me. Maybe this is why the “kink at pride” discourse became so prevalent amongst people my age: we’ve convinced ourselves based on our very limited experiences that we aren’t treated any differently from anyone else, thus we no longer need to rely on or even appreciate anything “too queer.” But the care the Archives and its staff put into maintaining the collection of vests, patches, dildos, and other paraphernalia is for more than the preservation of leather culture: my own, personal archive of things I have done, places I have been, and feelings I have felt deserve the same care and maintenance—especially when others tell me to stop doing so and cast them away into the sewage.

Even if my own survival tactics have now become “passé,” and the ephemera associated with them are now themselves beginning to be considered “historical artifacts” by people my own age, they are worth preserving because they tell the story of how I have managed to live for as long as I have, and how many others have done the same. The notion that we “outgrow” these strategies, that being “stuck in the past” always inherently holds us back insists upon a very unidirectional—and, dare I say, straight—conceptualization of time. Change can be good, but denying the skin we shed as ever having been part of ourselves isn’t necessarily a sign of growth.

Maybe we don’t need to constantly “overcome,” to reject our past in the name of becoming “better” than we were before. Maybe there is value in embracing the things we did, no matter how embarrassing or obscene, to get to the place we are now. And maybe continuing to practice them can get us through the next crises we will inevitably have to face.

[nancydrewwouldnever]

Another possible first!

This year at the Golden Globes two women have been double-nominated in the categories of both Best Director and Best Screenplay. They are:

Greta Gerwig, for Barbie

Celine Song, for Past Lives

This is the first time it has ever happened at the Golden Globes. If they also receive those double noms at the Academy Awards, it will be a first for that award as well./

It happened in 2021 with Promising Young Woman and Nomadland

Wow! I'm sorry I got that info wrong, but happy at the same time, as it means more achievements for women directors than I remembered. It's odd. I remember Chloe getting the noms and Oscars for producer and director on Nomadland, but not her writing it or being nommed for it. And I did not remember Emerald being the director at all on her film.

I blame Covid, as I did not get to see any of the 2020 released films which were up for awards in February 2021. It's like the lost year of film for me. But, moreso, it's the lost year totally in my memory. That pandemic year stress and anxiety swamped out my memory of most of what happened in 2020-2021.

[ilaiyayaya]

Ew Ew Gross Don't Touch Me Ew

A lot of my friends throughout my whole life have been really into constantly making sexual jokes or comments, often literally bordering on, or even blatantly going past the line of sexual harassment. In a lot of cases more interactions than not would eventually devolve into something really disgusting and I've never really liked it, but for a long time (and even now to a much smaller extent) I kinda just dealt with it and felt like it was just me being too sensitive (which as a side note, the thought of yourself being overly sensitive is pretty much always a bad line of thought in my opinion, everyone has different levels of sensitivity to different subjects and that's perfectly normal, you should never have to endure something just because those around you have a higher tolerance to something than you). When I was in school especially, a lot of my friends' main form of comedy, or not even necessarily comedy, literally just typical interactions in some cases, would just be like, blatant sexual harassment, I don't even really feel comfortable listing many examples, but the number times that I had parts of my body grabbed for "jokes" is ridiculous. "Oh but like it's fine because we're all friends and also all guys and therefore it's all fine and cool and not possible to be harassment and you're the weird one for feeling uncomfortable when someone makes a joke about sexually assaulting someone else". Even now a lot of my friends' sense of humor is just like, making really unfunny penis jokes, and it's definitely not anywhere near the degree of what some of the people I knew in school were like, but like it still 100% makes me super uncomfortable and I pretty much never say anything about it, I think I've literally just become hypersensitized to this stuff from being exposed to so much of it growing up. It's especially bad for me because I'm nonbinary, and I've have pretty bad dysphoria for a really long time, and constantly having my body grabbed or touch by people around me that think it's funny feels pretty fucking shit. Most of the people that I knew from school that did the worst of it I haven't talked to since graduating and I have no plans to talk to them again, I still have a few friends from school that I talk to, and they still do the same shit, albeit to a significantly toned down degree, less actual touching and more just saying the word "penis" and hoping someone laughs. Ooh ooh, one particular example that I just really want to get off my chest is something that happened at my high-school graduation, I graduated during the peak of the Covid-19 pandemic and so it had been the first time I had seen most of my classmates in nearly 2 years. There was one person in particular that was one of the worst in regards to the sexual stuff in the years prior, and immediately after seeing this person for the first time in years, someone that I was not really close to at all, and was only really friends with by proxy, they walk up to me, grab my hands, and my hair and say "wow your skin is so smooth, your hair is so soft!" (for context, I had grown out my hair significantly and had lost a lot of weight, this was also during the middle of my NEET period), which on it's own is technically a compliment, and a really nice one to be fair, but coming from this particular person, I could not describe the levels of disgust and discomfort I felt in that moment. Like this was literally the first interaction I'd had with this person in 2 years and like before even saying hi they just grab me without even asking like wtf.

I'm not disgusted with like, absolutely anything sexual, it's mostly just like, comments directed at me, or like, really gross jokes (especially when they're also not funny). It's not even an issue of not being desensitized, it moreso just stems from more deep-rooted issues, but like, people around me constantly prodding at those issues gets extremely frustrating.

This one took like, way too long to physically write, I started the first draft of this like 2 days ago, which is mostly because this was really hard to write without pissing myself off thinking about it. The first draft of this was like, way more rage-filled like I needed to chill out 4 reel. It's also because I'm way too overly self-conscious which makes it really hard to consistently write these on any kind of regular basis, which hopefully will become less of an issue over time. A big part of why I'm writing these is to overcome that extreme self-consciousness and have a place to openly vent about this kind of stuff while not allowing myself to worry about who sees it and what consequences that may bring, it's why these are public and not just private posts that only I can read. But yea if I go like a decent period of time without writing one of these, even as much as like 2 or 3 weeks, it's probably not because I've given up on it, but more likely because I just can't confidently post anything at the time for whatever reason, I pretty frequently go through depressive phases and the last few weeks have been one of those, and that definitely gets in the way of writing. I am going to keep writing these for as long as I feel doing so is helping me, even if I have to force myself to do it, but please understand if I ever go silent for a while (I know nobody else really reads these except me, which tbh is kinda good because it'd be even harder if I knew a bunch of people were looking at them, but this is mostly just a note to myself that it's fine if I go a while without posting anything, and that I don't have to full give up just because I failed to consistently post for a few weeks, which I have a really bad habit of doing with a lot of things).

[basil-touche]

27, 61, and 57 for the unusual asks!!

27. Do you have a job? What do you do?

I work in a discount shop as a part-time supervisor. Been doing it for about 4 years now (although covid meant I was in and out of isolation for my own safety for about a year so it doesn't quite feel that long). It's pretty decent in regards to it being a retail environment. It's part of a chain but it's in a garden centre a little way out of my hometown and I think that's what makes it better than my last job (which was not great to put it mildly). It just feels a bit more laid back than being on a high street and a lot of the routine maintence is on the GC itself to sort out, so there's less to worry about on that front.

The shop sells a range of items, kids toys & books, books for adults, craft, stationery etc. I also get 25% off most stock as well (sometimes they do 50% off events for staff which is super useful when it comes to present buying or stocking up on art supplies) and I bought a lot of the supplies for craft projects I post on here from work.

It's not a job I want to do forever. Now that I've recovered from my teenage years (those few years were fucking awful) I'm learning to drive (just bought my first car today!) and once I've passed I'm thinking of going back to college. Thinking about what I actually want to do in this life. I'm really into reading atm and have the urge to write as well as recently getting back into art. So history, english and art seem like possible paths to take, but there's no rushing these things.

57. Do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? 

As a kid I used to get really annoyed with my Mum when she would take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels we would stay at. I thought she was stealing them. Wasn't until I was older that I learned that hotel staff will just throw away all the bottles, regardless whether or not they had been used. I think it's kinda a legal requirement to keep things sanitary? Kinda like how in resturants, you get given a knife & fork for your meal, they still wash your knife even if you never touched it. Better to be safe than sorry (or sued, I suppose).

So to actually answer the question, yes I do now. It's rather useful to have them for the next time I'm on holiday. And I'd rather not cause unnecessary waste.

61. Have you ever peed in the woods? 

A couple of times, yes. Moreso as a kid. Surprising, when I go on my longer walks in the summer, sometimes travelling 10 miles in a day, I never feel the need to relieve myself. I guess because my body is using all my energy during the hike. I can't actually remember the last time I peed in the woods (and quite honestly, I prefer to use an actual toliet if I can help it).

[whythewords]

Days 267 - 280: What it might be...

Quicker turnaround than many of the last posts (yes I'm mentioning it again) and with perhaps an odd (or possibly perfect) juxtaposition with the sad yet hopeful nature of the end of that last entry.

I'll start by saying things have been pretty good. Aside from an incredibly annoying but relatively infrequent lingering cough, the COVID symptoms seem to be a distant memory. Two negative tests and I was back on campus. It was a busy week, but I got the shit done that I needed to do and then quickly realized today, as the school week has come to a close that we're about to enter week 6. That means I'm just a couple of weeks away from reading week which is not only a nice little break to look forward to, but the halfway point of the semester... My final semester...is almost halfway done. Holy fuck. The coming workload seems daunting but it seems doable and I am inching closer to the finish line that, when I started this journey, seemed barely even visible on the horizon.

It's a good feeling.

You know what's a bad feeling though? The massive, unrelenting headache I got this past Wednesday night.

You know what's ANOTHER GOOD feeling though? Getting a 'like' on one of the dating apps (yes, I went back) from a girl who actually seems kinda cool on her profile and that I actually seem to have (at least at first glance) a mental and physical attraction to. But I've played this game before. And it ain't the first time. Hell, it's one of the reasons I keep suspending the apps off and on in the first place. There's a connection, there's the beginning of a conversation, and then there's nothing. It's played out exactly that way several times since first getting back on the horse after my the separation. Why would this be any different?

Couple this with the fact that it was the very day I had this unrelenting headache. I came home from class gung-ho to get a head start on some labs that were due in a few days, but just collapsed into my bed and begged the universe to let me sleep off whatever demon boa constrictor had wrapped around my brain.

I saw the 'like,' I looked at the profile. The boa constrictor loosened its grip on my brain long enough for me to have some passing thoughts on the situation: "She's cute. She seems cool. Also, I'm dying. This shit seldom works out anyway so I'll respond to her later."

A few minutes go by and I remember that podcasts help put me to sleep sometimes. I grab the phone to load one up. A message. y brain pipes up again: "Shit. Okay. Well it's weird if I confirm the match and then say nothing, so I'll confirm the match tomorrow morn-oh shit never mind I just did it by accident." That fucking demon constrictor strikes again.

I respond. We chat. The conversation goes on much longer than any I've had on the apps since the first time I dove back into them post-separation (but that's not saying much). But the conversation was nice and it distracted me from my headache. She was present and she was funny and was engaged in the conversation, moreso than anyone else I had talked to on these apps in a long time, maybe ever. The conversation went on for a bit over an hour and then drifted to food in our respective locales. I took the opportunity to ask her out next weekend. She said yes.

What the fuck just happened?

Did I actually fall asleep while trying so desperately to get rid of this headache only for my mind to play a sick prank on me? Nope. This is just...a thing that's happening.

I'd gotten back onto the apps around mid-August, not too long after my August 14 entry here where I briefly talked about the idea of going back. At first I just had them there on the phone and didn't really use them, just waited to see if an occasional match would spring up that would catch my eye. It was infrequent. And when it did happen, it wasn't anything I was particularly interested in. As the weeks rolled on I started swiping a bit and trying to throw out the occasional 'like' or message on the apps that allowed such interaction. The results didn't change much. The occasional promising match, the exchange of a handful of messages, then silence.

These last couple weeks I was coming in hot. "I'm gonna try it" I told myself. "I'm gonna use up all the likes, and the swipes and send as many messages as I can and just do one last blitz. If it doesn't work out I'll jump back off the apps, at least until school is over." There were a precious few more matches than before, but the results were pretty much the same. Here I am, not even fully sure I know what I'm looking for or why I'm looking now, and then...Wednesday happens.

It was only two days ago, but we've been chatting a whole bunch since. And I've been in a good mood these last couple of days. But herein lies the caveat (because of course there is one): this COULD be nothing. The biggest mistake I made when I was first doing this online dating thing (several years ago when I was broken up with my eventual ex-wife for the first time) was getting too invested. There were at least a couple of times when I found myself anxious and excited for a date, only for the date to transpire and for the person to conclude that they weren't interested in me, or for me to conclude the same about them.

I have to prepare myself for that. I have to let myself know that this is a trial. I'm trying it out and hoping it works. And it might not. I haven't even met this person yet for god's sake. But the key here is finding a line. Striking a balance. Know what this is Joe. Know that it is fleeting. Know that it is as likely to disappoint as it is to go well. But enjoy it anyway. And I am. I'm enjoying it. I guess that's kinda the point of this shit right? I thought about it earlier today in the sense that if this doesn't work out, at least I'll have had this strange, fleeting high for the couple of weeks leading up to the date. I impressed a stranger. I was charming in some way. I'm capable of being interesting or attractive to someone. I dunno. It feels nice. The feeling might not last. But I guess it's okay to hope it does? I've been in this same situation a few times before and I've hit the same damn adage every time. PREPARE for the worst.

But fucking....just...hope for the best.

Right?

[go-go-devil]

Film ask: 1, 7, 33?

What was the last movie you watched in theaters?

Cats 2019. My cousin and I went to see the original release of the flick (the version before they fixed all the technical errors) just to make fun of it, oblivious to the looming threat of covid over the horizon...

I would like to see a new film in theaters now, but I just haven't had the time and streaming films is honestly better for me anyway since I dislike being in a crowded movie theater most of the time

7. A guilty pleasure

The live action Scooby Doo film from 2002 is another film I still enjoy even if it's dated (and hated by many). In my opinion though it is probably the only one of the "taking a classic cartoon and making it live action w/ some cgi" films that actually tries to be a high-stakes, fun adventure that develops the characters of the original show, or at the very least make fun little in-jokes for fans. When I see those actors and cgi doberman playing the Mystery Gang they actually feel like the characters to me (yes, even with the low-brow humor), which is why I don't feel bad for liking it

33. Favorite musical

That's a good question. For pure nostalgia I would have to say Little Shop of Horrors because I sang those songs non-stop when I was a kid (possibly even moreso than the many 90's animated musicals I loved) and 'cause it's just an amazing film overall

However... I would be remiss if I were to not also say Repo! The Genetic Opera was my other favorite musical film, both because I've listened to the songs WAY more than I have for most other movie musicals and because it remains one of the only films I'd ever seen that moved me to tears (at least during my first viewing as a 13 year old, but the ending does still make me a little emotional even now)

[steamishot]

leveling up (or not)

i've still been listening to a lot of sara payne's rock solid relationships episodes and it's been very uplifting to me as she provides mostly great life coaching (for free!). one episode stood out most to me recently, which is about leveling up. she talked about playing mario and going on to the next level. with every advance, there is failure. you die, you try again, you keep trying until you beat the level. otherwise, you're stuck at the same level and always winning - this although nice, gets boring and unfulfilling. as a student, we go through all the grades K-12, then in college year 1-4, etc. so there's always that feeling that we're growing incrementally.

in my professional life currently, i feel that i've been playing on the same level and constantly winning. it's definitely boring and unfulfilling. there are pockets where it's busier and the work is new and more challenging - but this usually only lasts a little while and it becomes boring again. especially during the holiday season, i feel like no one wants to be working and its been really slow! at least on the outside, it appears that i have received a promotion this year, so it is an instance of leveling up. after reflection, i want to resume my studies in accounting and possibly aim for a CPA.

furthermore, i used to be more goal oriented when it came to working out/exercising. i can think back specifically to during covid where i would track my running speed and consistently run 5Ks multiple times a week. also, when i did copilot for two months (?) and leveled up in weights to the point where i surprised myself. now, i am mostly doing hot yoga and youtube workouts - but for the purpose of maintenance, not growing. i've even recently started searching for easier workouts as i feel lazier, and had no motivation to use my heavier weights. this also made the workout feel more boring and unfulfilling. the podcast episode really made me think of all the areas in my life that i am not leveling up in. so, for the past two days, i've put in more effort into my workouts and it definitely became more challenging and rewarding.

i started playing duolingo and learning japanese as a replacement to social media. at least for this, there is a clear indication of a path forward (unit 1 -> 2, etc).

i will start therapy with kaiser mid-december. i want to delve in to my need to put myself on the backburner. for example, i'd rather focus on someone else's career (aka matt's) instead of my own. i've always prided myself on being "selfless" and helping other family members, being the reliable one. why i avoid being the "main character" and feel more comfortable as a supporting cast.

this is part of the reason why i felt so down about matt's job search being unsuccessful thus far. i became totally tunnel-visioned about this that i had very little else going on for me (AND vice-versa). because i had so little going on for me, i needed to latch onto his thing to feel some sense of purpose. to be honest, it's probably the latter moreso than the former.

to make life more interesting and intentional/purposeful, i'll need to set SMART goals for myself. 2024?

edit: i attended hot yoga today, even though i almost didn't feel like going. matty always has a little story at the beginning of class. today, he talked about beyonce and her film renaissance now out in theaters, and the commentary about her daughter blue ivy receiving criticisms from online haters. despite the criticisms, she continues to show up and try her best to get better. he inspired us to say "i can" instead of "i can't". this was completely coincidental to my theme of wanting to level up recently, so i tried harder than i normally do in yoga class and felt proud of myself.

quote: “Very rarely does pursuing our dreams feel like anything other than a lot of effort clothed in self doubt.” Self doubt is part of the deal. Doubt your doubts before you doubt your faith.

[immaculating]

I'm so sorry for putting Tumblr back in its peak era, but i have to.

For me, at least. But maybe you can take something from this too.

We all went through something super dramatic and came out different in one way or another. Some people changed for the better, some people for the worst. A lot of people cam out of the COVID-19 pandemic with more social anxiety or experienced it for the first time (like me). Most of us sat and continue to occupy positions today which provide us with challenges and impact our day-to-day in unfavorable ways.

As I sit here writing this, I have a million other things I need to be doing--but I'm so tired. Physically tired--sleep deprived to the point where it's not even funny, mentally drained and exhausted. I've fallen behind in so many tasks and assignments. Yet, sometimes we have to be the person who allows ourselves to take a break and express our thoughts and articulate our emotions when no one else will. When the world is not giving you the kindness and consideration that you deserve, make sure to make time and space for yourself. Writing this will probably make my thoughts a lot clearer (well, I'm sleep deprived again, so maybe moreso...less cluttered). I just feel like so many thoughts are hanging over my head in a cloud that I don't have time to think about. But in the long run, really, it makes everything harder to navigate.

If you take anything away from this, give yourself the 5 minutes and a much needed break to do what you need to do for yourself, like I am doing now.

I transferred to a new university away from my hometown, a passion that I loved, a community that I loved to do my passion with, and almost everyone I knew. I've been in undergrad for damn near long enough to have (maybe) my graduates. I'm supposed to finally graduate this quarter.

But I'm just so tired...and anxious, and depressed. I know that it's much better to talk to a professional about this but I'm not able to right now. I work 20 hours per week, and go to school more than full time since my advisors pushed me to graduate earlier than everyone else I know graduating for no specific reason. One day, I was sitting in class an my heart rate on my watch rose to 155BPM--i wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting there anxious. I thought I was having a heart attack and drove to the hospital, staying overnight.

Anxiety is never something I've had to face in my day-to-day which impacts it at that level before. After COVID, however, I am anxious in all social situations and especially in an unfamiliar community (still fairly new to me because of the stay-at-home orders, remember?) This was supposed to be my last hurrah at a university experience after years of working through community college to transfer. And I moved away from everyone and everything I loved to sit in my room for two fucking years, gaining health problems and mental problems I didn't know would be popping up now after society has been opened back up for awhile.

And yet here I am when it matters most. The one class that is required specifically for graduation--I wrote the wrong deadline down. I'm embarrassed and scared to email my professor about it. I've had to meet with my other professors, too, about missing work and falling behind. Even in work I'm behind on work. I feel so bad but I genuinely felt like my birthday, two days ago, was too much for me to think about let alone celebrate--how do i pull myself out of this? how do i not blame myself? i have severe adhd impairment and because of my newfound anxiety heart rate, cannot take my medication without precaution. everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. and i'm so depressed.

i know this sounds like it went from maybe inspirational to a lot of whining, but honestly, i just need space to vocalize and vent. i don't know who else to talk to. i haven't made any friends since I've transferred.

anyway, i have to go try to tackle the never ending workload that i have in lieu of the past-due dates that are glaring at me at all times in my mind.

if you, too, are struggling friend--know that you're not alone. thanks for reading this far into my first (albeit mundane) post. I'll try to update the situation as it unfolds.

wish me luck, we'll make it through this. this too shall pass.

-the immaculator

[chasingcyjs]

Farewell to 2022

I find immense, immense comfort in coming across people who act, think, feel, hurt, and process life in similar ways to me. It feels like tension leaving my body, that tight feeling of isolation— replaced with light and warmth and reassurance. I say this time and time again, and the genre of the past couple of posts here have been entirely the same, probably with reason. 2022 may have been an exciting, eventful year for some, but as far as I know, most people had a hard time this year. I’m almost so sure it’s the inevitable post-Covid effects, the general discomfort of trying to return to some sense of normal after the trauma of what has been the past few years. I know for a fact every single person on this planet has given tough effort to not let this piece of history take away the best of who we are. And that in itself, is a big feat. This is just a post to say, I am thankful that other people exist. I am thankful for the full spectrum of emotions we can face. Despite how complicated and hurtful human relationships can be sometimes, despite how confusing and relentless life may seem at times— I am thankful, no matter how daunting a situation may be, there may be a neighbor or stranger who has also felt the same. Life is scary and hard, but the silver lining (the only one, really) is we don’t go it alone.

Even if people around you may not be experiencing what you’re feeling, take a look around the Internet. Whatever resource it may be— Reddit, YT, IG, books, podcasts. Honestly, no experience is unique. And that’s a really great thing. There are people who have felt what you have and gotten through to the other side. There’s a choir of “me too”s out there. I hope it comforts you as much as it does for me, and that it gives you a feeling of community to keep pressing forward.

-

There’s always a seat available at the table of imperfection and vulnerability. All you have to do is find the courage to sit down. So much of our everyday culture is “suppress and keep busy” and “don’t feel and it’s not real,” — but the thing about running is you’ll be breathless and miss every single part of what was meant to be seen and known. I want to do a slow walk in life, to see everything in it’s vibrancy (and at times, dullness), to know I felt the fullness of a human life— even if that tends to make my journey harder. I refuse to let life take the best of me, no matter how many times it stripped the light/life out of me, and I will continue to try to be tender and share these weaker moments bc I know exposing these things are actually what silences shame and strengthens hope.

-

In the next year, I would like to not let fear or shame drive my decisions. I’d like to be open armed and open hearted to the joys to come, with the acceptance that pain/disappointment is inevitable in life. I’m no longer expecting happiness— I am moreso wanting to accept the things I cannot change and want to find a way in myself to overcome hard things in a positive light.

I hope you have a wonderful year to come in 2023, an easier one. But if that’s not possible, I wish for you the strength to keep grateful and a curiosity for what may come in the future (ie. don’t ever let one bad year, bad years, or hard times weaken your belief in life’s ability to change— bc it almost always certainly will. There is so much more left to your story than the bad season you may currently find yourself in).

With utmost love,

Christine

[teamfreewill2pointo]

Do you think that J2 will move out of Texas anytime soon, especially with the RvW outcome? Danneel has already spoken out against it (and maybe Gen too but I don't follow any of her SM) and I can't imagine they'd be too happy to raise young girls in that state. I know Walker films there so Jared at least probably won't cut all ties, and their families are still there. Just curious if you think they would move the kids elsewhere: Colorado maybe?

Anon 1: I love that Arrow, Zepp and Odette are all going to kindergarten together. Jensen and Jared and their wives are all moving onto different adult projects, but they are still obviously close, or they wouldn’t make the effort to keep their kids close to each other. Very sweet.

Gen attended a rally and has posted a lot about abortion rights. One of the best things that J2 could do is stay in Texas and give to progressive candidates. A lot of people in Texas are disenfranchised and, by having wealthy, white supporters, progressive candidates have a chance. J2 can also work with local politics to pass progressive legislation, which is something they are already doing. For example, Gen and Jared worked on legislation to help stop cyberbullying of school kids. J2 are friends with the liberal mayor of Austin.

A big reason they are in Texas is family. There was a live Gen and Danneel did where one of their moms (I forget which one) talked about watching the 6 grandkids. J2 have a supportive network of friends and family in Austin, Jared moreso than Jensen.

That being said, there's always the possibility of change and movement. Covid caused the Ackles to go to Colorado temporarily and something else might cause them to go there again or some place else. It depends on jobs and support networks.

[theyarebothgunshot]

Rose, I wanted to put a dilemma I'm facing this morning out to the wider gunshots nation to hear what they would do: So I am immunocompromised/high risk for severe covid. I've been extremely careful for the last 2+ years, moreso than almost everyone I know irl. On Weds midday I ran into a good friend while walking my dog & stopped to chat for a bit. She tested positive yesterday, after testing negative the day before, i.e. had symptoms when I talked to her 2-3 feet apart. Here's the dilemma:

In exactly 5 hours I'm supposed to be marching into my department's small graduation ceremony (had to miss big university one yesterday due to the covid news) where I'm being awarded my PhD for which I've worked for years & suffered a great deal thx to MHI, esp. last year. In 5 hours I'm supposed to be "hooded" by my mentor & for once be able to feel good about myself. I have no family here & the one sibling who was flying in canceled yest due to her own risk. I don't feel well right now but I don't feel super sick, too early for rapid covid test, & know other people wouldn't hesitate to just mask up & go. (Got n95 masks yest just in case.) College bff's a doctor so I understand my risk & likelihood of infection. She said yest it's my call if I go (& wear an n95). But due to my own high risk I'm very conscious of potentially exposing others at high risk. So I'm lying here crushed by dilemma: what's more important- once in a lifetime event I've worked for for YEARS, or my conscience? (oh and btw it's me, stars anon ✨ - thanks to gunshots nation for any thoughts of what they would do in my shoes xo)

hi nonnie, first of all just wanted to say that i am sorry you have to worry about this stressful situation instead of just enjoying your ceremony in a carefree way, which is absolutely what you deserve. this is a tough situation, tbh... i think that, because you saw each other in the open air from 2/3 feet apart, i would maybe risk it in this specific situation and go, but i would def wear a mask and maybe make sure to keep plenty of distance where possible from other people just in case. but i would feel kinda :/ about it at the same time cause in the back of my mind i would keep thinking what if i am carrying something with me and am infecting others. so i honestly dont know. it is a tough one, for sure :(