#mental crashes fucking suck why am i such a burden sometimes

[destiny-in-the-universe]

Well. This is kind of embarrassing and I’m struggling just to write this but it seems I’ve hit a block on things I want to write- it feels genuinely like I’m about to crash into the deepest icy waters that exist, and I’ve honestly my mental limit this week and it’s only a damn tuesday; feels like I am not all here atm, and I just don’t know if I can carry out any ideas or plans right now

You might still see me reblogging and posting smaller content for a few days- or it’ll go away tomorrow, but fuck I just feel not myself?

I’m deeply sorry, it’s either burn-out or I’m just drained and need a bit to recover, ‘m not going anywhere. I will be back, I’m just… tired is all

~ Mod Danny (🐾) / Co-Front: Rivaille, Ray, Saiki

[isa-ly]

I’M GETTING A DIVORCE

TW: eating disorders, body image, weight, mental illness, depression, anxiety

Yesterday evening was rough. Completely out of the blue, getting-hit-by-a-freight-train type of rough. Usually, when these evening or days occur, I just kind of tend to start fresh the next day and pretend they never happened. Because everyone has bad days, even if you’ve worked hard to restore your general mental health, and it’s okay to just let those days pass and work on being kinder to yourself once the sun rises again.

However, I also want to actively work on not simply ignoring them all together, because while it’s a good thing not to dwell on bad days for too long, it’s also a good thing to not just repress them. And as we all know, I’m quite guilty of doing the latter and labeling it as “fine” when, in fact, it is everything but fine. Keeping a positive spirit is admirable but shutting out everything that cracks the surface of your facade is just not gonna work in the long run. Every emotion is valid and if I can acknowledge feeling happy and comfortable, I can just as well acknowledge feeling sad and shitty.

So, I’m making a compromise. While I don’t really want to talk about how and why yesterday evening was rough, I am still going to talk about something else that sometimes feels equally as hard and difficult to me. As already mentioned in the trigger warnings, there’s going to be talk about eating disorders, specifically anorexia nervosa, as well as body image and weight again. So, if that is in any way harmful to you and you own journey, feel free to just drop this post like a hot potato. (I think this actually is a German proverb, but it sounds so funny in English, so I’m just going for it.)

Now, what I’m about to say might sound somewhat controversial or really, really fucked up but I’ve found that when it comes to eating disorders (and any other mental illness, really), the darkest parts are often the ones you have to really take a good look at, even if it hurts and sounds shocking. And calling them out, dragging them into the open to point at them with your finger, is the only thing that will make them palpable enough to get rid of them. Once again, the Harry-Potter-boggart analogy works quite well here.

Shame and fear fester comfortably in the darkest corners of your brain, like a disgusting mold that slowly takes over. And I don’t really want a moldy brain, so I once again want to use this blog openly talk about something that is nothing short of crappy and awful, in order to take some of its power away. And also just to be honest, with myself and everyone else who happens to read this.

There’s a lot of reasons why it’s incredibly hard to recover from an eating disorder. Of course nothing is impossible, least of all recovery, but I still struggle almost every single day to keep pushing forward. Sometimes that struggle is close to nothing, sometimes it’s manageable and sometimes it seems like the end of the world. And one of the many reasons why it can feel like that last one, is what I and many others who have suffered from this illness like to call “nostalgia for your eating disorder”.

I think we can all agree that regardless of whether you have one or not: Eating disorders are shit. They really suck ass, to no one’s surprise. If I had one wish and one wish only to make, I wouldn’t even have to hesitate a single second: It would be for my ED to vanish forever and never return. Easy. So, then why in the living hell would I feel nostalgic for it? Why would I be hesitant to call my ED out for the life-ruining piece of shit it is? Why do I sometimes catch myself wishing back the times where I would go to bed hungry, where I would feel so in control despite never really having it? Where I would lie and deceive and watch my life slowly fall apart? What idiot would miss something like that?

Well ... an idiot with an eating disorder. 

Alright, I’m not an idiot. And neither is anyone else who feels nostalgia towards this illness. Because even if it sounds ridiculous and outrageous: It’s in fact completely normal to have these thoughts and feelings.

I’ve mentioned before how, when I first crashed into the world of anorexia, it felt like I had completely lost myself and what I had considered to be my personality to this new, foreign entity that had taken over my life in a matter of days. Because actually, for a lot of people – myself included – that is exactly what eating disorders are: A filler for a gap that you don’t know how to close yourself. Like a plug to a tub that has been running out, or a bandaid to a wound that won’t stop bleeding. It’s an emergency solution to a problem that threatens to swallow you. And often times, emergency solutions can’t be analyzed or fact-checked for risk and danger because, well, it’s an emergency. And you’ll accept anything you can get to rescue yourself in that moment.

Back when I developed anorexia, I was completely lost in life. I didn’t know who I was or who I wanted to be and trying to answer that question overwhelmed me so much, that the only way to cope was to let someone, something else, fill the big black hole that was ripping itself through my chest. Coping comes in all shapes and forms. And mine had the form of a sneaky and cunning eating disorder. 

Often, that is why personality and eating disorders go hand in hand. Because it’s so much more than just an illness that fucks up the way you eat and live. It’s a whole new face you get to put on. It’s terrifying, but that terror is exciting and new because it’s an opportunity. It makes you miserable but at least it makes you something. It fills that void, that fear of being lost. It gives you purpose, and it gave me purpose too when I was at my very lowest. I didn’t know who I was or what to do and anorexia gave me a set of rules, a daily schedule and Do’s and Dont’s that I had to follow, as it watched over me like a hawk. 

Sometimes I see it almost like a parasite, like that weird alien from The Thing that takes on the form of a person to trick you into thinking it’s your friend. Anorexia is very, very skilled at that. And because it’s so skilled at it, it manages to completely convince you of the fact that it is now a crucial part of you that you will never, ever be able to let go again. It’s almost like a personality substitution and that’s exactly why it gets so hard to see it as something entirely foreign that you need to get rid of instead of clinging onto it.

And here’s the thing: As I started recovery and as I started fighting against everything anorexia told me to do, I realized that this fight also meant going back to my very old problem of not knowing who I was. In all the time of being sick and starving, I was at least “relieved” of the burden of having to question what I wanted from life. Not a very balanced deal, I know, but again: emergency solution. 

However, now that I was finally trying to get better and heal, that age old question came back again: What the fuck am I doing? And I could hear my eating disorder chuckling at the back of my mind:

That’s right. I might be ruining your life but who are you without me? No one. You have no idea what to do or where to go. You have no idea who you even are. That’s why I’m here. And besides: Nobody knows you like I do.

And that’s another part of the reason for nostalgia. Please forgive the poor comparison but the closest I can get to making an analogy to it, is to compare it to the principle of Stockholm Syndrom. Just so maybe the notion of it can be understood easier. Because anorexia is abusive and horrible, it literally made me starve myself, made me depressed and hate everything about life. It caged me in and held me captive to the point where I had no freedom, no choice, no joy or happiness left. It ruined everything. 

And all the while it caused me all of that horror, it’s also the only other thing, the only other “person”, voice, existence in my head that shares those memories with me. That knows exactly what I went through. Because we went through it together. It caused me all this pain and trauma – but it also shared it with me. I was never alone, not really, because even when I felt like there was no one or nothing left: Anorexia was always there. Every second of the day and every step of the way. I, it, both of us, know things that to this day, are unspeakable to me. That to this day, I haven’t told anyone because the fact that I was capable of doing such things, still scares me every time I think about them.

We share what are undoubtedly the worst and most painful memories of my entire life and as much as I fucking hate it, I cannot undo this connection. It’s a fucked up bond that I will always have with my eating disorder, even if it makes me angry and frustrated. It’s a connection I never asked for or wanted, but it’s still there and all I can do is learn how to process it in a way where it no longer holds me back and defines me.

Which is the reason for today’s blog title, by the way.

Actually, I got that analogy from a documentary about, you guessed it, eating disorders. In it, one of the counselors at an inpatient clinic compared recovery to the process of divorce. An eating disordered person might very well be aware that they’re in a bad, almost abusive relationship with themselves, or in this case: with their eating disorder. And they might very well be aware that the only way to get better is to let go and move on. But just like in so many divorce situations or break ups, this is way easier said than done. Because there is heaps of memories and emotions connected to this disorder that make you feel close to it, in a way. Feelings of accomplishment, of ambition, of thrill and yes, sometimes even feelings of happiness. False happiness, of course. But even the illusion of a false sense of joy is something that can be very powerful when you’re already beaten down. 

When you’re in such a dark place and your disorder takes over your life, it takes on almost human-like properties. It’s like a friend or a partner, it’s the only relationship you’re still able to have, the only one you are “true” to because everyone else you care about, you lie to. Anorexia isolates, just like any other mental illness tends to do, and it isolated me too. I tried my best to keep face but truthfully, when I was at my lowest, it felt like my eating disorder had managed to break into places of me that had never seen the light of day before. And it had built itself its own little nest there and gotten so comfortable and settled, that the thought of ever kicking it out, terrified my just as much as the thought of continuing to live with it.

I mentioned before that I sometimes avoid talking about anorexia like a separate entity that has its own mind, just so it doesn’t seem like it’s bigger than me. Clearly, I’m not doing that now. Because if I’m fully honest, to me, it’s kind of both and also neither. One one hand, I can feel it as something that sits at the back of my brain, at the back of my neck, at the back of my every thought. It’s something I can visualize, hear, feel with every move I make. And on the other hand, it’s not an actual person. Because it’s still just me, it’s how I think and do things, it’s an extension of my need for control. I can’t just separate it into its own realm of existence because we both live in my own brain. We share that space and sometimes anorexia and its opinions and leverage are bigger, sometimes they’re smaller – but for over a year now, they have always been there, one way or another.

So, letting go of it, bidding it goodbye and trying to claim back the space my anorexia has been taking up for so long now, is hard. Because it’s like letting go of a part of myself. A part that causes me pain and suffering, yes. But a part of me nevertheless. And anorexia is a very hot-headed tenant, let me tell you that much. It does not like to be evicted, at all. But it’s not about what my disorder wants, it’s about what I want. And what I need. And that is to live a life free of the boundaries of my eating disorder. Even if it means not fully knowing who I am.

In my last therapy session that I went to, I talked about all of this to Kerstin. About feeling nostalgic and catching myself dwelling in memories that others would probably gasp at in shock. Gladly, Kerstin didn’t gasp because, well, she’d be a crap therapist if she did. But she’s a good one, lucky me. Anyway, in that last session I had, I then tried to come to a conclusion to this whole nostalgia thing, that wasn’t as depressing as the notion of it all. And what I came to was this:

I will never be able to undo what I did. What me and my anorexia did and what it made me do will never be un-lived or forgotten. It is and always will be a part of me. So, actually, trying to “get rid” of it and “kicking it out”, is not really the solution here. Sure, I’d love to flick a switch and have it all be gone in a second. But that’s never going to happen.

What I can do, however, is learn how to live with it in a way where those memories still get their proper place – without defining me anymore. And without dictating my every move and day. I’ve compared my eating disorder to a stubborn child a few times, too. One that throws massive tantrums when you tell it “no”. Because that’s what it does, mostly. However, another thing that it has in common with a child, maybe even with the child inside of me, is that it’s so, so scared of being left behind. Of being abandoned and forgotten. In a way, it’s exactly that. My anorexia is pieced together by so many of my insecurities and just like me, it doesn’t want to be abandoned. In fact, it’s so scared of it, that it fights back with teeth and claws and with all its might, to stay safe and comfortable where it is. It throws tantrums and breaks out into screaming fits because it’s terrified that once it goes silent, it will be forgotten.

So, actually, instead of treating it like some sort of external force, like a gnarly stomach ulcer (good one, Isa) or like a parasite, I have actually started to treat it more like a scared kid or a wounded animal. With patience and gentle words. With understanding but also with a certain sternness. Literally like a parent that is trying to calm down their raging child. Reassuring it that I have no intentions of cutting it out or pushing it away, but actually to let it stay under the condition that it remains a quiet and passive part of me. Until eventually, it accepts the silence I ask of it and, indeed, fades into something that doesn’t take up most of my living hours anymore.

Don’t get me wrong, 90% of the time my anorexia and me are still in a silent screaming fight over whether or not I can have a chocolate bar. Theory and practice often lie very, very far apart from each other. But the other 10%, the ones where I actually manage to practice what I preach – those are the ones that, to me, matter the most.

Because those are the ones where I can almost feel me and my eating disorder staring each other down from across the room in silence. The ones where I can tell that both of us are scared. Both of us are hurting. Both of us are smart. Both of us are strong.

But only one of us is right.

[downtheschizoaffectiveroad]

When nighttime arrives

I love the moon and stars, actually I am obsessed. Its probably my dream date to do something associated with the night sky like a planetarium and looking out and seeing the galaxy through some epic gear anyways... 

Lately when night creeps up I end up a mess and not for a few minutes by about 5:30isham Im starting to crash from being so exhausted from crying and feeling like everything is closing in. 

You know when you think to yourself at like 10:30pm at night to yourself “omg am I having a heart attack” by 10:32pm you’ve figured out “oh no it's panic I'm feeling... great another shiity night” 

Yes its basically, crying, screaming into a pillow, internally screaming, trying to calm down, crying, trying to figure out why the universe hates me so much and is fucking me over every day, calming myself down, screaming internally, calming down, yeah you get the picture and as said earlier by 5:30ish am in the following morning I'm starting to crash. 

I could text my rents (parents or sisters) but I hate being a burden and they work and I am really bad at communicating on a good day so try to communicate on a bad day or a worst would be the most uncomfortable for me and them because they’d be feeling so bad thinking they were not giving enough support when all they do is help and support me. Bless my family. I am very blessed with my family... Friends on the other hand- Fuck them Lol 

I was lucky with my inner family but unlucky with friends pretty much all my life. legit. 

I think the worst thing about nighttime is you realise you are alone and you don’t have anyone to turn to and the people who you once would have messaged for support (Friends) you can’t lean on because they left you or don’t reply. You’d never make them feel guilty or bad because you have a heart of gold but part of you wishes they’d message you sometimes out of the blue and be like you. Because if they were in your shoes you'd drop everything and be there for them but not everyone is compassionate and has empathy like you.

Just know at the end of the day all those people will know you were a good person and they walked over you like a mat and you are not now and should or never will again be. SO basically 

Nights suck and so does having a complex mental illness and being alone and if you have friends who are real and are there for you hold onto them because I've had to let go of good friends because I couldn't keep many because it was overload and kept one or two thinking they were the best choice and Im typing this at 1:52AM on 15/3/22 and I am alone with no friends and remember keep the real ones close and the fake far away. They will leave you and it fucking sucks. 

[thechaoticwonderland]

I finally have time to write, damn it! I have been MIA for the longest time (and Twitter has been basically my place for word vomit) but I swear I have been trying to write something here -- as proven by my numerous drafted posts. LOL. 😓

If you’ve been following me on Twitter or Instagram, I TURNED TWENTY FOUR a few months back. Yup, I have officially changed my profile every where to 24. I still can’t believe I am THAT old but meh. 

I celebrated my birthday walking dogs and getting drunk around Sheung Wan and Central Hongkong with my boyfriend -- super low key but probably one of the best birthday celebrations ever! 💜 But I’d probably save a different post for that -- WHEN I FIND THE TIME AND ENERGY TO DO SO. (Possibly never, but let’s see lol)

And since I am T W E N T Y F O U R (ack!), I have decided to come up with a blog post on 24 life realizations I have at 24 - some are realizations I’ve had leading up to my 24th but you get my point. 😂

1. Love comes when you least expect it - cliché, I know. But I met my boyfriend at this random birthday party I gate-crashed AKA his 30th birthday. 😁 Long story short, we’ve been going out for over a year now. We both weren’t looking for anything then since he just got out of a toxic relationship, and I was casually going out with random people. But here we are. 😜

2. No need to rush things, do things at your own pace - I started my Masters over 2 years ago, and you’ve guessed it, most of my batch mates have their Masters degree already. 🙆🏾 At some point, I wanted to study full-time cos I’ve gotten envious of my friends. But since my parents are still (yep, I know. Shame on me) paying for my tuition fee, I don’t want to burden them with allowance expenses + my living expenses (If you’re new here, I actually live alone lol) so I need to keep my job. Now I’m 1 subject away from defending my paper! I’m almost there! And it’s actually not bad. 🤗

3. Don’t live beyond your means - Ahh, my dad’s favorite life lesson. I never thought about it then since I was living under my parents’ support, but now that I live alone I have to make ends meet month on month. In layman’s terms IF YOU CAN’T AFFORD IT, JUST DON’T. 

4. Don’t put your eggs in one basket - I know I am not the best person to be all preachy about money (cos I am bad at handling my own finances, but I try) but I have 3 savings accounts in different banks. It comes in handy when one bank fucks shit up (like goes on a nationwide shut down *cough BPI*, or one that just eats up your card and your money from time to time *cough BDO*). 

5. Your past doesn’t define you or how you’d succeed in the future - Another cliché saying, but I swear you get to realize why people say it often. I’ve done so much shit when I was younger but believe me when I say such experiences will help you realize stuff later on. After all, we learn from our mistakes and such mistakes will push us to be better people tomorrow. 

6. Your choices in life are your own, don’t let people tell you otherwise - You will never share the exact same beliefs with everyone, I’m sure about that. Just do you and brush off other opinions, they don’t matter - believe me. 

7. Keep your circle close and small - Your real friends genuinely care, the others are just curious. Be cautious.

8. Always be kind - And this applies to everyone: guards, maids, janitors, etc. Believe me, if you’re nice to everyone, it’s easier to ask for favors. 😜

9. Travel alone - You should try this at least once in your life, me thinks. It gave me a sense of liberty and independence! I did this when I was trying to mend my cracked heart - and I came back to Manila feeling all refreshed and happy. I guess I learned that I don’t need a man to survive! HAHA! 😂

10. Don’t complain, do something about it - Ranting is fine, human nature. But if you will just sit down and whine when something could actually be done, then maybe you should rethink your life choices honey. Instead of wasting your time and energy complaining, why don’t you stop and think? Things and answers won’t always be served to you on a silver platter, FIND WAYS. 😊

11. Don’t forget to remove your make up at the end of the day - PLEASE. Do yourself a favor and let your face breathe! 😛 

12. ALWAYS MOISTURIZE AND PUT SPF - *i-capslock mo para intense!!!* I couldn’t stress this enough. I actually keep various moisturizers depending on the weather, I have intensive moisturizers for when I travel and light ones for the Philippine heat. Just please, never skip it! 

13. One at a time - My boyfriend would always tell me this when I’m stressing over work, school, among other things. It helps, actually. Stop, arrange your thoughts, and do things one at a time. 

12. Treat yourself - Now before you go crazy and tell me that this is a bad thing, I didn’t say you have to buy that expensive bag you’ve been eyeing on for so long because “I DESERVE IT”. Going back to point number 3, if you can’t afford it - IT’S A NO. It can be as simple as “I did a great job today, I deserve good coffee - not my usual pantry coffee”, which is my usual way of treating myself. If you can afford to buy that expensive bag to treat yourself, BY ALL MEANS DO IT. But always remember POINT NUMBER 3!  

13. Family will always come first - Ah, this is one of the many things I realized growing up. Of course I was super excited to grow up so I can go out with my friends whenever I wanted to before. But when I moved out, I always look forward to weekends so I can come home to my family. What a baby, I know right?  

14. Let go and let God - I am not the most religious person in the world, heck I barely even hear mass (I’m busy, but that’s not an excuse I’m sorry). But I really believe in greater power from above. I always find myself in hopeless situations, where I find my shitty ass crying myself to bed on most nights (add that I also live alone so imagine how bad it must be lol). But I usually find myself just getting through the worst days with little miracles. And I always thank God for that. 

15. If you feel so happy with the wrong person, image how happy you’d be with the right one? - Eep, another cliché saying c/o me lol. But seriously, I thought I couldn’t be happy anymore when I once got my heart broken HAHAHA. Cut to mid-last year, I’m extremely happy -- waaay happier than before. Not saying I’m already with the person for me, though I really do hope so (HAHAHA yuck cheese) but I’m happier than before and I’m sure the person I’m with is a better person amongst all the guys I went out with before.

16. Take long walks. - I enjoy this so much especially abroad. I went on a birthday trip in Hong Kong and I spent 70% of the time walking - thinking and reflecting. 😅 I think long peaceful walks are good for everyone’s sanity.

17. Cut off toxic people. -  Not everyone you lose is a loss. If they aren’t doing you good, what’s the use of keeping them? 

18. Life is what you make it. - If you want something to happen, the first step starts with you. 😅 If you don’t take the first step, nothing will happen. SERIOUSLY. Everything doesn’t happen by chance!!!!! 

19. You don’t have to have a reaction on everything. - I believe there are things better left unsaid. I know a lot of people would disagree. But I still think the saying “If you have nothing nice to say, just zip it” is still superior. Lol.

20. Work isn’t everything. - I recently had to stop working for a week and a half due to some health concerns. It sucked balls. But I came to realize work isn’t everything -- YOUR HEALTH (mental health included) IS WAY MORE IMPORTANT.

21. Quite connected to the bullet prior, Work can wait. - I have learned to keep work within working hours. Remember, work will always come and it will never be done. Know what’s most important and prioritize! That’s the key. Whatever’s left can be done tomorrow. You don’t have to spend 12 hours in the office all day and stress out on work, tbh.

22. Choose your battles. - Not everything is worth stressing over. (remember point 19!) 😋

23. Respect begets respect. - Respect opinions, respect people - young and old alike. Sometimes we just have to learn to agree to disagree. 

24. Live life to the fullest. - Another cliché saying, but honestly you’ll never be as young as you are today. Make mistakes so you will never make the same ones in the future, learn the ropes of life through the decisions you make everyday. Not everything will go our way, that’s for sure, but life is only what we make of it. 

I hope you got to pick something up from my blabbing. To be honest, it took me months to finish this list since I barely have time in my hands. Lol. 😬 

I missed you, Tumblr! ✨  

[kipaia]

Long Post Full of Suck and Also Awesomeness

So I’ve been a bit overwhelmed the last few weeks because of Life and also The Suck and things have been incredibly Not Great. I’ve had like a solid week of level 9 on my scale for mental health (where 10 is that someone needs to call 911 for me) so it’s been pretty scary.

When I get this bad, I struggle a lot with feeling like the feelings I have are all in my head, are all my own fault, that I’m a burden on literally anyone and that no one in their right mind (platonically or otherwise) could possibly care about me in any real way. Rationally, I know that’s not true, but it’s really hard to fight constantly against your own brain when physically you’re exhausted and mentally you’re exhausted and you’re constantly in contact with the thing that started your Suck in the first place. So I have been losing my internal battle against The Suck.

Here’s where things stood as of last week; I was waking up at 3:15am and getting ready for work so that I could be out the door by 3:45am so I’d be on time to work, since work is a 45 minute drive from my house. My road kills my bike’s tires, so no bike, and I haven’t had a car since November. It’s cold. Right now, it’s also very wet and often below freezing and I’ve been doing this for four months, ever since my mother took back the car I’ve been driving for five years to give it to my sister for her 16th birthday. I would work from 4:30 to noon-ish, walk an hour to school, have my classes, walk an hour to an hour-fifteen to the high school to coach swim practice, and then usually I’d be able to get a ride home from there. It has been Exhausting.

Over winter break, I also experienced a mental health crash. This is not unusual for me at this time of year, since I have prolonged forced exposure to my abuser and this year was especially bad since I was a fucking idiot who decided I wanted to try to repair things with them. Thought it was going ok until Christmas; turns out they were playing hook/line/sinker, and I sunk like a rock. Self-loathing for putting myself in that position on top of anger that they are still shitty on top of much general brokenness because they went full-tilt back into mental/emotional abuse once I was beginning to feel safe again. 

It’s been almost two months since then, and I still haven’t been able to climb out of this stupid hole I ended up in and it’s really frustrating on so many levels to want to be happy and to want to be ok and to want to be a functional person and to just . . . not be any of those things. And knowing all the ways I suck at being a person makes me feel like less of a person and it’s just not a very good cycle to be stuck in, especially when you know you’re in the cycle, you can see it, you just can’t seem to get out of it. 

So I don’t feel like much of a person, and I don’t feel like anyone can possibly care for me.

Fast forward to this week; one of my best friends in the world is getting ready to move to LA for a two year school program. As weird as this might sound, I’m not really bothered that he’s left because he’s one of those friends where we’ve known each other for twelve years, and he knows me probably better than almost anyone on this planet, and we’ve gone years without really seeing each other before and when we do finally see each other again we’re still just there and we get each other and it’s just amazing and I love him dearly.

Anyway. So Monday night we got the chance to hang out for the first time in a few years, and up until this time I hadn’t really had the chance to tell him all of the stuff that went on with my abuser or what’s going on in my head, but because he knows me so well he pried and managed to get me to basically word vomit everything that’s gone on and the whole time I’m terrified that him finally knowing what a train wreck I am will make him never talk to me again, that he’ll go to LA and think “wow glad I’m away from that Mess,” so I’m scared shitless while having this conversation and I end up telling him about my name change which not a lot of people around here know about still and he just-

First off, he listened to absolutely everything I said and (me being me) I cried, and while I cried he didn’t try to touch me or hold me cause that makes me overwhelmed and I tend to shut down when that happens so I was able to calm myself down so I could keep talking and he just sat and listened patiently until I was done. Once I was done, he asked if he could hug me and since I was done I was ok with it, and so he held me and I cried like a baby and he just held me and it was So Nice and then he asked if I wanted him to call me Alyx instead of my other name, and I said he didn’t have to since he knew me by my other name and it was ok if using that name was easier but he just gave me A Look and asked again if I wanted him to call me Alyx and I started crying again and was like “I’d actually really love it if you called me Alyx” and he was like “Ok Alyx!” and was like totally cool with it and also didn’t let me get away with hiding behind what he wanted or what someone else would prefer cause that’s literally always been a problem of mine, I don’t know how to and am not generally comfortable with telling people what I want because I feel that that’s really selfish but he was having none of my shit and it was Amazing.

So after I calmed down he drove me home and then Wednesday is the day he leaves. Now, I work for his mother who runs a daycare and since the whole family was going with him to drop him off in LA, I’m taking over the daycare for the afternoon so they can fly out. So I get there, he’s there, he comes over and we have our whole goodbye hug and I’m just like “don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry” cause there’s kids everywhere and they’ll all wanna know what’s wrong and I don’t want to deal with that and so I somehow manage to keep it together when all the sudden he’s like “Crap I forgot something!” and goes running back to his room while I’m laughing cause they’re supposed to leave in like ten minutes and he was supposed to have all his stuff packed like three days ago when he comes back and he looks at me very serious and I’m like “Shit somethings wrong what’s happening” and he just stops.

Keep in mind this is someone who can basically be qualified to say he knows me better than I know me sometimes, and he just looks at me super serious and holds out a fucking set of car keys.

So I’m floored, because he can’t actually be doing what I think he’s doing, and he’s like “So this is for you to borrow for the weekend -” and I’m like ok that makes way more sense until he finishes and is all “-and then when mom and dad get back on Monday they’ll talk to you about the title transfer and everything.” 

Cue complete bawling. Complete, can’t-hold-it-in-because-shit-like-this-doesn’t-happen-to-people-like-me bawling. And so he’s hugging me again, I’m crying so hard I can’t breathe, the kids are all asking why I’m crying which kinda makes me cry more until I’m like “Cause my friend’s an idiot” which his mom hears and so she cracks up and meanwhile I’m holding the car keys and shaking and crying and my friend is holding me and he’s telling me how he just wanted me to know how loved I am and that there’s people in the world who cherish me and that he knows I haven’t really felt that way and so he’s basically not giving me the option to let my head get in the way of what is fact. And I’m like he just gave me his car and people don’t fucking do that for other people, like maybe for family but I’m not family and he knows exactly how much of a Mess I am and he still did it????? 

I can’t even handle this. It’s been like four days and I’m still completely overwhelmed. I keep feeling like people as amazing as him don’t just do stuff like that for people as shitty as me, but then I look outside and there sits the damn car and I’ve got the keys on my lanyard and then I start crying again and so like, physically, I won’t be as tired, because not only will I not be walking everywhere, but swim season also ended yesterday, and mentally I’m short-circuiting a bit because there is Evidence that for some reason there are people who must still like me even though I’m A Mess, and not even just “like” me cause this is not just a “like” kind of thing, this is like a “love” kinda thing and me and him are and always have been and most likely always will be a completely platonic love, but this is totally still a “love” thing cause HE JUST GAVE ME HIS CAR. THE FUCKING SHIT, BRO.

I don’t even know how this is going to affect my current mental health things because my brain still hasn’t figured out how to function since this bombshell happened, but I have actually laughed out loud to things I’ve seen online the last day or so, which I haven’t done in months. I have a car. Now that I have a car, I can move out of the house I’ve been living in which has not been helping my mental state at all. I can get a new job if I want, I can go to fucking Chipotle if I want (cause it’s in the next town over T.T ) and I don’t have to worry about rain of freezing temperatures or the fact that I rolled my ankle like three weeks ago and it wasn’t getting better cause I was walking so much.

I don’t want to get too excited past how overwhelmed I already am, but I’m pretty certain this is one of those things that that literally changed my life in such a way that I will probably tell this story to anyone who’ll listen for the rest of my life as a time where things got Better. And, it’ll be super funny if my friend gets famous someday (his thing in LA? Crazy big acting/singing/dancing thing that feeds Juilliard and spits out famous peeps all the damn time and he’s ridiculously talented and works hard and has a heart of literal gold) cause then I can point at super famous person and tell this story and people might think I’m Cool ^.^

[ourworldnotyours-blog]

Inspired by a friend I wrote my thoughts down.

Don’t really mind if anyone reads this but I’ve got no where else to turn so writing it is. I feel like I should start by saying that there is something inside of me that for some reason or another just does not want me to succeed. Every single time I achieve anything my mind brings me straight back to being shit thinking someone else has done better and why should I bother. It’s an overwhelming sense of self doubt that I am in a constant battle with. It never let’s up and I never stop doubting.

I’m not too sure what is happening inside my mind but it feels like an over analysis and critique of every look, touch, smell and interaction I have with everyone and everything. Most of the time it feels like nothing will ever go right for anyone when I am involved. Sure sometimes it appears that everything is working out but somewhere along the line it all comes crashing down. Again and again and again. Whether that be an outwardly expressed emotion or just me suffering internally (the latter happens majority of the time). I have tried many techniques (including seeing a psychologist, therapy, meditation, recreational drug use) and nothing seems to work, only mask the problem for a short period of time. I’m sure this is a form of depression but which one I do not know. The thing about trying to cope with this is I feel shut off and alone even though I have such an amazing group of friends who are always willing to help. In my mind however I couldn’t possibly burden any of my friends with shit that is happening in my life because who wants that dumped on them when everyone already has their own problems that could be more important. I’ve always tried to be as selfless as possible and I am convinced that the only way I can be happy is by bringing everyone around me as much happiness as possible. Obviously this is impossible but it’s the only time I’ve been truly happy is when I see my friends getting along and everyone having a good time regardless of myself. Actually no I think about maybe that’s not the case but I’m honestly not sure. Sometimes it seems like I can deal with this masterfully but most of the time it does not and the only reason I havnt left yet is because I owe money to some people. As soon as that is settled I’m leaving for awhile to reset my understanding and hopefully find peace. One other thing that I have to talk about which eats away at my soul slowly and that is relationships. Again I’m not interested in sympathy nor am I seeking help. All I’m doing here is putting my tumble of thoughts into some kind of coherent writing piece. I’m not sure where it stems from or why it happens but everytime I’ve gotten close to someone in the past I always invest too much of myself too quickly and it fails. It’s like the moment anyone shows any interest in me my subconscious becomes determined to fuck it up. Almost like I’m not allowed to be happy. It’s strange and now I’m starting think with the last girl that I absolutely love to bits (and she loves me back lo and behold) was just me being in love with the affection she showed me. I’m trying to rationalise my thoughts but I’m confused as fuck about the heater or bit I love her for her or just because my love is reciprocated. Then there is the big gaping hole inmy heart that is occupied by Lucy (not her real name but this will do). From the moment I met this particular girl I knew that I had to be with her. So I pulled out all the stops. We would talk every day, she would come meet me at work for lunch, we went out drinking heaps together and we always flirted but never anything more no matter how hard I tried. Then she started dating a mutual friend (not at the time but now he is one of the better guys I know) who she said she wasn’t even sure she was interested in and thus we became the closest of friends. To the point where I found myself giving her fucking relationship advice because I only ever want her to be the happiest person she could possibly be. I have absolutely no right to be mad at her or angry or upset yet even being around her now is excruciating because I know that I could never be with her because I value our friendship. So much more than my own personal wants and needs. And I know how happy Bran (not his real name) makes her when they were together. Things have been really crazy with life in general over the last few months and it has put a lot of strain on everyone’s friendships and relationships. Now they are no longer together for the time being because I think the both need to have time alone to regroup themselves. But now I’m left trying to pick up the pieces for them and get them back to being their happy selves (whether together or not). I honestly think they are pretty perfect for each other but I’m constantly thinking what if, what if I said something. But I can’t. It’s too selfish and just when I think I have my thoughts about her under control they go haywire just seeing her. I am finding it difficult while writing this to accurately convey my thought and feelings on this but I’ll try and summarise briefly. I know me thinking I’m the best thing for her is selfish and there is no way of finding out really but I can’t stop thinking it. It drives me mental because I don’t want to jeopardise our friendship ever and all I do in life is centred around making my friends life’s as happy as possible and being with me is not going to bring that level of happiness to anyone. Some days I think my life force attracts destruction for anyone I try to help. Obviously this doesn’t happen all the time but it does happen enough for me to believe that wherever I go disaster follows. So clearly I don’t want to expose any of my friends to self destructive behaviour. Just the other night during a shit time in my own head I thought a out what would happen if I just drive off and left without a trace. And these thoughts are creeping into my head more and more often and it’s scary. Leaving or dying scares the shit out of me but sometimes everything just gets so tough that I just want to roll over and die but I can’t! I’m scared shitless of what’s happening inside my head. Toxic thoughts are horrible and are the seeds for severe depression and anxiety and if continue to allow my mind to run wild unchecked I may find myself in a truly terrifying position. There is so much more to talk about but I can’t. This is enough for now to put out the internet. I don’t expect anyone to read this and if they do and you know me do not say anything please. Just leave me be and met me sort everything out as it comes. I’m not really interested in involving anyone in by daily struggle so just leave it but be aware. Sorry if you read this and think a fuck head. I dont mean to be. I honestly think im meant to make people happy in life but it becomes harder and harder to do when I suck so much. Stupid fucking chemical imbalances in the brain. Ben out

P. S. Even ousting this intonwriting and putting it out there seems incredibly selfish of me as well because I never know who will read it. So if you do just know I’ve been coping like this for my whole life so realistically I’m fine with how everything is going it’s just sometimes I’m not. And this was written during one of those times where thoughts wandered and I got in a depressive loop where I had to clear my head or otherwise free out. So yes I do struggle and sometimes life is hard but there have been so many positives coming through him the cracks that eventually things will be dandy. I just had to voice some shit out loud in the hopes that it might give me some semblance of peace. Only time will tell. P. P. S Love you Be