#mekhong

[hexonthepeach]

dive

pairing: f4!nct dojaejung x fem!reader (past johnny x reader mentions)

genre: hana yori dango/boys over flowers/meteor garden/f4 thailand reverse harem au (mild allusions and characterization only)

warnings: brief mentions of past bullying, dom!doyoung, hopelessromantic!jaehyun, mommykink!jungwoo, reader is a bit of a switch, smut (mmmf, double penetration, oral f & m receiving/giving, unprotected sex, anal, semi-public sex), degradation/humiliation kink (reader), pet names: baby, mommy (reader), puppy (jw)

wordcount: 10k

author's note: i wrote this as a distraction from other projects after listening to perfume on repeat and lamenting the end of promo. intended as a oneshot but i have some ideas for continuation. please let me know if you enjoy it (and more importantly, what you enjoy)

The Bangkok night is warm and thick and redolent with flowers. The expensive vacation home one of your three companions had arranged for your short stay is quietly luxurious, separated from the city bustle but still hazed with light past the high walls and thick foliage surrounding the pool. 

You'd never made a habit of asking who paid for what with your travel companions, but you guess by the mix of old world and new that it was Jaehyun's idea to stay here–perhaps even a Jeong family permanent accommodation. His family's import business had done well in the region, judging by the luxury sports cars parked in the driveway.

Everything about this trip is surreal–worse for the fact that a fourth presence lingers like a ghost in your periphery. 

He should have been here. Indeed, you've taken his place, filling the natural void like a small drop in an ocean-sized hole. 

Everything about this distraction brought you back to him: the rose petals strewn across your pristine bed, the snarling garuda statue lurking across the aquamarine oasis. 

Johnny is 8600 miles away and still very near. 

Jaehyun joins you at the pool's edge, slipping some well-concocted drink near your manicured fingers–most likely Jungwoo's contribution by the tasteful sprig of flowering basil. You'd refused multiple drinks at the club, still flagged from a day of travel and self-conscious of the eyes on your table and you’d finally agreed to one now that you were back safe in your own private enclosure.

He shucks off his sandals to dip his feet in beside yours, nudging you beneath the water to remind you that even with the grief that's hollowed you out inside, you're not alone.

Jaehyun doesn't speak–well accustomed to your need for silence when you've inevitably descended into that space again. 

Unfortunately, Doyoung isn't as accommodating. 

"What did we say about moping, Y/N?" A tall shadow stands beside you, swaying slightly. 

"I'm not moping," you say, sipping from your glass of Mekhong soothed with sugar and soda. "Just thinking."

"Wasn't the point of this vacation to get you to stop doing that?" Doyoung is touching his toe to the warm water when there's a sudden rush from behind you, a startled cry escaping the man before he hits the surface fully clothed. 

"Was he bothering you?" Jungwoo asks, looking completely unfazed about shoving the other man in.

"You bastard," Doyoung says, spluttering up and tossing his hair back as he holds his phone out of the water.

"It's waterproof."

"That's not–"

"I'll buy you a new one." 

"Now you're going to have him trying to return the favor," you say, giving him a sly smile.

"Oh I think I'll be alright," he says with a wink, backing up a few paces before cannon-balling in. If you'd been doused by Doyoung's ungraceful landing you're soaked thoroughly by the splash Jungwoo makes, finding yourself shielded by Jaehyun's torso wrapped around you. 

You hadn’t even thought to protect anything but your drink, your heart stuttering as you find yourself inches from his flushed face and rosy lips.

"You okay?" he asks, wiping water from your face with his silk sleeve. 

"Yeah," you say quietly. "Can't see the tears now, right?"

He blinks at you, believing you by the clouded expression in his dark eyes.

"I'm just kidding. Not crying, see." You smile at him as best as you can muster, hoping your carefully-applied makeup isn't running off your face. 

"Don't you want to join us?" Jungwoo has escaped Doyoung by pressing himself to your knees, shoulders well out of the water at standing level. You shake your head, suddenly shy.

"You should have let those girls come back with us," you say. "All that work wingmanning for nothing."

"Blame Doyoung for boring them talking about tariffs," Jungwoo says, ducking as the other shoves water in his direction. "Besides, we didn't want you to be alone."

"You know I don't mind, puppy." You tousle his wet hair, sipping deeply again. Through the fogged rim of your glass you catch his cheerful expression falter. It lasts only as long as he realizes Doyoung is floating on his back, swamping him with a tackle.

"I asked them to keep it just us for tonight." Jaehyun says, breaking his quiet. 

"Saving the party for Phuket!" Jungwoo shouts in the background, mispronouncing the first syllable deliberately to sound like fuck it.

"Have someone you're missing tonight, too?" Your tease lands with a thud, watching your best friend's mouth crease at the corner as he chews his lip. 

"I'm sorry, that was rude–"

"No," he says. "I know how you feel."

"How far away is Paris?" you ask, not expecting an answer.

"5 hours," Jaehyun says, grinning slightly. It's a callback to so many months of watching him stare out towards the airport from the school rooftop with you, letting you listen while he mused on what she might be doing at that hour, how long it would take to get there. 

You'd encouraged him even as your heart broke–feeling the dwindling embers of a schoolgirl crush on him turn to ash. You would never be as good as his childhood love, even if you had taken up her place as his companion seated beside him on the piano bench when he practiced, or studying beside him as he drifted off into one of his many naps.

It was better this way–more comfortable just being able to be with him without the worry that you could live up to her, your heroine in highschool. But there would always be something there.

Doyoung clambers out to sit beside you, far enough away not to dampen the fuschia Versace metal mesh minidress he'd gifted you earlier. It was the perfect costume to play the part of nouveau riche jetsetter for a girl who lived one step up from a basement apartment. 

No one would mistake you for class, or even an influencer, but in their company no one was looking at you anyway. Most people thought you were Doyoung’s assistant or Jungwoo’s sister. The nasty looks, sometimes worse, always followed when they introduced you as their friend.  

"What can we do to make this a magical night?" Doyoung asks. You find yourself unable to answer, eyes caught on the smooth definition of his chest through the barely buttoned translucent shirt he'd worn out. You note he's lost the matching loose tie, probably still wrapped around a girl's neck on the dance floor.

"It's already so nice," you say, looking up at the blink of stars through the light pollution. "Thank you for including me." 

"You think we'd leave you behind?" 

The way he says you carries all sorts of strange subtext, considering your history. It had been a long journey from being mercilessly bullied and shoved into the dirt you came from, as Johnny had called it, to here. The lap of luxury, attended to by three specimens of wealth and privilege so out of your league you may as well be batting a thousand.

"Well it’s not like I got you in the divorce," you say, knot twisting in your chest. "I guess even now it’s hard to tell if you’re just being nice to me because you feel bad for me."

"First of all, he left all of us," Doyoung corrects. His voice is a little raspy, as if he's controlling his emotions. The admission leaves you questioning. You knew how close they were but they'd never shown any sign of being affected by Johnny's sudden departure.

Maybe you'd just been too busy wallowing to notice. 

“Second, you’re special. Too special to let just anyone play with. If you hadn’t noticed, we enjoy your company.”

"And when have we ever done something nice?" Jungwoo rests his arms on your knees, almost pulling you into the water. Jaehyun pushes him back with his foot, earning a tug on his leg that does little to move his immovable weight. 

"You're a package deal, though. Like a blend," you raise your mostly empty glass to drive your horrible attempt at a metaphor to death. “Even with one ingredient missing you can’t beat the original.”

“Well I won’t deny you're a strange substitute,” Doyoung says, gracefully using your words to make his point. It reminds you of how he’d spent hours drilling you with details of tea ceremony when your ridiculous coworker had asked for a demonstration of his family’s heritage business. 

“But taste requires innovation, and it’s often the unexpected addition that changes the entire flavor profile. You’re new but you’re refreshing, and unique. Not something to be discarded because anyone demands it.”

“That’s a very poetic way of saying you still like me even if I’m an uncultured pain in the ass.”

"Poor little weed," Jungwoo says, hands splaying over your bare thighs before Jaehyun can foist him off again. “Are you insulting Doyoung’s taste? You're the first girl any of us have agreed on."

"I doubt that considering what I saw last Friday. Did all of you sleep in Doyoung's room or did you take turns–"

You catch Jungwoo's scheming look with Jaehyun right before the cocktail glass is plucked from your hand and you're picked up on both sides, Jaehyun lifting you by the waist and Jungwoo taking over once you're free of the edge.

"Let me go," you shriek, folding over his shoulder. 

"Are you sure?" Jungwoo bends his knees until your hem is submerged, not phased as you beat on his back with soft hits.

"At least toss me in so you can get a head start," you threaten. He indulges you, lifting you up out of the water like he's going to help you recreate that pivotal scene from Dirty Dancing only to throw you back and into the deep end. 

You hold yourself in a ball and sink, breath held, channeling your best hello darkness my old friend as you wait for the inevitable. It takes less than ten seconds before Jaehyun dives in after you, pulling you up.

“Got you,” you say, grinning through the trickles of warm water. Jaehyun looks less than amused, lips thinning into a tight line as water drips from his bleached blond hair.

"Don't scare us like that," Doyoung gripes, joining you a few seconds too late. You shoot him and Jungwoo a look over your perch on Jaehyun's arm, clinging to him for comfort.

“Yeah, please.” Jaehyun breathes. 

"Is my makeup coming off?" you ask. He's been staring at you funnily as you float beside him, bodies brushed up in the expansion of his clothing and the occasional contact with his frame.

"What?" Your best friend sounds dazed, water collecting in his dimples as he smiles softly.

"What?" You parrot, teasing, mirroring him in the way your eyes dart to his mouth, not surprised to find his lip trembling. His uplit face is shadowed with hidden feelings you can only guess at. 

That years-old urge to kiss him returns. It could be considered revenge for back when he'd grabbed you and given you a taste of what it would be like that day after he’d come back from his trip abroad. You'd melted into him like it was the most natural thing in the world, the illusion only broken when Johnny had slammed the rooftop door shut on the way back down, flowers for whatever apology he'd half-assed scattered across the dirty tar paper.

You'd slapped him afterwards, surprised to find him smiling. He's in love with you, isn't he? Had to be sure.

There'd been so many times after that he'd played with your feelings you'd lost count, but one constant remained: he would never pursue you fully if he believed it would hurt his best friend.

Your chest feels tight just imagining what might have been, had you changed course back then. But you've long given up dwelling on might have beens.

Jaehyun is less mercurial now that he's older so you’re the one to catch him by surprise, lips pressing to his cheek right beside his mouth–in the smile lines you know too well. It's a quick send-off before Jungwoo can grab his legs and pull him under from below. 

Doyoung takes the opportunity to capture you by the waist, keeping you from becoming a casualty of their underwater fight. He looks just as serious as always, even without his usual glasses.

"Sorry about the dress," you say, working to stay afloat.

He laughs at you, prone to condescension as always. "If you like it we can get you another. But do you really want to wear the same thing twice?"

"Some of us can't replace our wardrobe every week," you huff. 

"Are you under the impression I'm replacing a bespoke suit collection every week? All I'm saying is you should have a new dress for every occasion. Especially if you're with us."

You jab him in the side, surprised at the hardness of his ribs but also delighted by his startled wheeze. 

"I'm not your kept woman."

"Not even if we want to keep you to ourselves?" 

A little shiver runs through you, making eye contact with him as he mouths the waterline. It's said so innocently but you know better. He and Woo had been dropping double entendres since well before takeoff from Seoul.

Flirting was Jungwoo's thing, a silver lining to the dark shadow of a personality that enjoyed being subtly in control. As the future heir to a crime syndicate it was much better than experiencing his hidden anger. Doyoung though . . . as much as he dabbled in shadier scenes and pretended to be a womanizer he's old-old-old money, from a strata inaccessible to anyone who's genealogy can't be traced back to the Goryeo dynasty. 

The idea of him folding you into his life, much less keeping you, is absurd.

“Well that does seem to go against the whole idea of this being a trip to finally get over . . . everything,” you say, deflecting from his intensity. “What happened to letting me live like the F4 for one week?”

“Is this not it?” He quirks an eyebrow at you. 

“What if I want you to play wingman for me? Find me something meaningless to distract me?”

You're not expecting the dark storm that settles over his refined features.

“I think you have enough distractions here to keep you occupied.”

Your pulse picks up, hearing the hidden message loud and clear. He'd heard your laments to Jungwoo about how long it had been since you even thought about being with someone else, how you'd never really gotten to date after three brutal years of school, work, and accidentally making the worst chaebol tyrant in Seoul fall for you. 

Now that you're free for the first time in your adult life, you want to experience what it's like to be just another girl, like the ones they so frequently invited to their tables at function and club alike.

"Are you insinuating you're not going to let me bring anyone back if I find a fling? After I just spent all night singing your praises to a healthy pool of candidates? Double standard, much?"

Doyoung wraps an arm around you to keep your head from knocking against the tiled pool edge. He's backed you into it without you even noticing it. 

"You can try," he says, gripping the wall next to your cheek. "Though I would question the sanity and intelligence of anyone who took you up on it." 

There's his brand of cruelty: casual threats delivered without a hint of remorse. You'd been on the receiving end, perhaps were now, but you're not afraid of him in the slightest.

"You're not reporting all of this to him, are you?" 

Doyoung doesn't answer, nostrils flaring. 

"Or is he only texting 'Woo back?" you ask. 

"Who texted me?" Jungwoo asks with open curiosity behind him. 

Doyoung presses a single finger to your lips in warning, releasing you. 

"Didn't you get the number of that model? Miss Thailand 2016 runner-up?" You toss your head slightly to clear it, still feeling heat suffuse your cheeks from just a touch against your mouth. It really had been too long. 

"Oh she's too good for me," Jungwoo remarks, jokingly. "Besides, I already have a failed beauty queen right here." 

You snort. “In what world is second place a failure when it’s your first time?”

The contest had just been a university charity project but you'd worked hard to earn that spot after Johnny had entered you in as some kind of sick game from abroad. Jungwoo had helped you conquer it–had even got you a side gig modeling when his usual partner had dropped out at the last minute at one of his shoots. You’d just been there to deliver coffee and now you were on a cover being printed in 15 different countries. 

You always liked reminding Jungwoo of his Pygmalion moment because that's when you'd genuinely seen his kinder side–even if you suspected he may have threatened at least two of the judges to land you on the final stage. Losing had been worth it to spend time with the member of the F4 you’d never been close to in high school. 

"Maybe she doesn't deserve you," you say, swimming around him to grab him loosely around the shoulders. “Not many can appreciate having a personal rescue dog to save them from getting wrinkly fingers.”

You're immediately indulged, Jungwoo paddling you back to the shallow end where Jaehyun is lost in thought, staring at white blossoms from one of the trees in the courtyard floating in front of him. Doyoung is just as contemplative. 

It’s probably best to not let it stretch out any longer–you were always a fan of ripping the bandage off quickly even if it hurt. 

"I'm going to go take a shower and call it a night." You announce, hearing Jungwoo groan. "Unless . . ."

"Unless what?" Jungwoo perks. Jaehyun squints up at you where you stand over him. You look at Doyoung instead, as he drags himself out of the water to sit on the ledge beside the stairs.

"Unless you tell me what we really are."

The buzz of cicadas seems to die a little, soft music inside the house drifting out through the glass. 

"Friends, hopefully?" Jungwoo says.

"Well you aren't bullying me anymore, so yes. But friends don't keep their friends from moving on from past relationships."

"That's not at all—" Doyoung begins.

"Let me finish," you interrupt. He's immediately quiet, throat bobbing as he looks beside you at Jaehyun's taut shoulders.

"I'll never fit in with you or your world but we both stopped judging each other for that a long time ago, I think. I like spending time with you, I like knowing you'll still include me even if . . . " You can't bring yourself to say Johnny's name. "Even if I'm just another ghost who's outstayed her welcome."

It was their term for dropped flings and casual encounters, with a whole subset of terminology for the ones who couldn't get the hint (poltergeist), or lost their cool at their dismissal by screaming and crying (banshees). 

It hadn't been like that for you even the second or fifth time Johnny had broken up with you–always for reasons out of your control. You'd shown him the same aggression and cruelty in answer, but you’d never begged for him to take you back, ever, and you certainly had never sought out his friends. 

It had always been their prerogative to spend time with you, and you’d leaned into it your freshman year of university study and singlehood, wanting the support network denied you by being alone and poor in a city you could barely afford. You’d never take their money but you had accepted their company, and had enjoyed it far more than you could have imagined. 

Even if it kept you in Johnny Suh’s outer orbit, what you had with them meant something to you. You didn’t want to lose it when he came back. From the press releases about his recent promotion, it would seem to be soon.

Waiting for that inevitability is like attending your own funeral before you’re dead, pallbearers for company. 

"You're not a ghost," Jaehyun says. "And we won't abandon you, ever."

"You'll just keep me and this dynamic trapped in amber until Johnny changes his mind, then? It's been a year already. I don't want to lose any more of my youth to him, and I don't want to lose you when he comes back and you all act like he's done nothing wrong."

"That won't happen," Doyoung says, sighing. 

"No, because I'll leave before then." You get out of the water, brushing your face free of the hot tears. "Wouldn't want to ruin your fun."

Jaehyun pulls you back, strong enough you lose your footing and sink into his submerged lap. 

"You're not going anywhere," he says. There's no malice or anger in his tone, just quiet assurance. He cleans your face again, blue silk cuff coming away black with mascara. 

"You asked what we are. Remember when you used to come sit next to me under that stupid ad?" 

"Yeah?" you sniff. You'd spent hours with him sitting on a city bench as he stared up at a billboard for luxury clothing with her face on it. She’d been the dream he chased at your urging, the fantasy that had sadly broken with proximity.

"When I was in France, after things became clear, I would go and sit somewhere and pretend like you were there with me."

"I hope it was somewhere fun, like the Louvre," you joke. 

"Too crowded." He shakes his head, smirking. "Would look weird talking to myself."

"Oh you talked to invisible me but you couldn't pick up the phone once?"

He shakes his head again, squeezing you. 

"Anyway. The point is you're stuck with me. And them."

"And Johnny . . .?" 

"Stop bringing up our ex," Doyoung says. Not your ex, our ex. 

"It's a valid concern," you say, adjusting in Jaehyun's hold to rest your head against his damp shoulder. "I'm not going back to him. And I know you'll choose him over anyone else."

"No," Jaehyun says. 

"You're the exception." 

You lift your head to blink up at Doyoung.

"Didn't think you made those."

"Well you just haven't spent enough time with me, then."

"You planning on spending time with me?" You smile lazily, hand drifting to squeeze his leg. It's always fun to see his unflappable face twitch.

"He already blocked off half his itinerary for private tours. Jaehyun had to fight him to split it equally," Jungwoo says. Doyoung splashes water into his face with his foot.

"I wanted it to be a surprise," he says sourly. 

"Like the massage tomorrow morning?" 

This time Doyoung's kick makes waves wash over you and Jaehyun, leaving you spluttering.

Jungwoo takes it, smiling once his floppy brown hair is pushed back out of his eyes again. He grins at you from the water. "You'll take your dog for a walk when you remember I exist, right?" 

"Why not just come with us?" You'd often wondered if there was an invisible tether for how often they appeared together.

Doyoung clears his throat, Jaehyun shifting uncomfortably under you. 

"What am I missing?" You laugh awkwardly, looking between them. 

"I forget the only man you've ever dated never dated anyone seriously, either." Doyoung looks somewhat pleased with himself. "Traditionally when you spend time with someone you're interested in you don't have company–"

Shock runs through you like ice dumped over your head. "You can't be serious."

Doyoung's face is incredibly serious, Jaehyun's proving only a little more relaxed about the disclosure. You turn around to Jungwoo, floating nearby with a humored expression. 

"You're not part of this are you, 'Woo?"

"Of course I am. You deserve a break from stuffy museums and romantic dinners to have some real fun."

His eyebrows lower a bit in some sinister joke, and for the first time a little fear courses through you. It's been a long time since you saw their manipulative and controlling side, but bringing you to a foreign country to date you, their best friend’s ex, without telling you . . . That's a whole new level of it.

"This isn't a competition, is it?" You hide the tremor in your voice. 

"Between us? Of course it is," Jungwoo says.

"And the terms?" You look at Jaehyun, who is unable to meet your gaze. "Let me guess, whoever fucks me first?" 

His eyes widen in genuine dismay, panicking. "No, of course not–we just wanted to give you a chance to decide if . . ."

"If what?" 

"If you liked one of us more than the others," Doyoung finishes for him. 

You find yourself breathing heavily, face flushed. 

"What if I can't choose?" You ask, gaze fixing on Jaehyun's mouth as he bites his lip, still looking guilty. 

"If you decide you don't want to be with any of us, then things stay the same. Nothing changes. We'll still be friends." He says it all slowly, deliberately, almost as if it’s rehearsed.

"And if I choose one of you? Do I get to suffer the jealousy complex of another deeply insecure and emotionally unavailable man?"

That hits them where it counts. They'd all watched Johnny take out his fears on you, masked under bravado, posturing for an audience that more often than not was just you and his friends. His peers had rarely done the same, unless you counted Jungwoo following his enforcement orders like a loyal hound or Doyoung orchestrating clean-ups. 

No, they'd skated clean through multiple horrorshows by simply being there to throw their weight. No one else had the notoriety and resources to cover up the trail of damage left in Suh's wake.

You stand up again, turning between them. "And none of you are worried about Johnny finding out?"

A lump forms in your throat, bitterness about even having to invoke your own personal demon. Yes he'd walked away, but you knew his sense of entitlement would never allow his interests to be compromised by another–especially his closest companions.

And here they are, looking between each other and discussing your fate with the deliberate calm of a business transaction.

Apparently the only consequences were for you.

"Or is that the real game you're playing here," you ask. "Degrade me so far in his eyes he'll want nothing to do with me while you write me off as disloyal trash."

Jaehyun sucks his breath in through his teeth, and you note how hurt he looks. Jungwoo seems even more upset, full bottom lip jutting out.

"I know what you've been through, and I know it will be a long time to forget," Doyoung says. "But we're not him."

You remember an old saying your father had taught you: when you're holding a hammer everything looks like a nail. Better applied to problem-solving perhaps, but you'd also been dealing with one, giant nail-shaped problem since he'd crashed into your life. It was stuck in your heart and time and healing hadn't removed it. Maybe it was permanent, but you still had to live with it. 

"I just don't understand how you think you think this will work."

"You're awfully concerned about what he thinks," Jungwoo says, rising over you. "What about moving on?" 

"I don't give a fuck what he thinks. I'm just looking out for you. You know he'll punch first and ask questions later. What if he does something reckless?"

Jungwoo is laughing at you through closed lips, eyes crescented in mirth. "We have you to protect us, right? Just roundhouse kick him in the face again."

“That was lucky,” you say. “He wasn’t trying to murder me, either. There’s probably an American hitman on his way right now to take us all out and make it look like an accident.” 

“He would definitely hire locally,” Jungwoo corrects you. 

“And here I thought you were braver than that,” Doyoung muses. “Do you think we need his permission? You certainly don't.”

That makes you pause. You look at Jaehyun. Of all the people in the world he was the closest to their former leader. They’d fought even more than he and you had, and Jaehyun had always conceded, taking it on the chin, letting Johnny drag him along in his wake. The one time he'd stood up to him had been for you and it had almost fractured everything irreparably.

His black eyes pierce into you when he looks up. 

“I think y/n can make any decision she wants to,” he says dangerously. “None of us will stand in your way, whatever you choose.” 

“You promise?” you ask, tilting your head to let your wet hair brush over your bare shoulder. 

“Cross my heart and hope to die,” Jungwoo says. 

You wait for the others to show visual signs of concession: Jaehyun nodding, Doyoung making the sign of the cross in what is an obvious misuse of the gesture. 

“Good. Because if Johnny finds out what I’m doing on this trip, he’s not the only one who will kill you.”

"I think we should start enacting a punishment whenever she brings him up again," Doyoung says.

"Great idea," Jungwoo says, sweeping you into his wet hold from behind. The chill you'd been feeling exposed to the air dissipates a little, his warm chest against your bare shoulders. You shiver a little at the intimacy, feeling him laugh even if he doesn’t make a sound.

“What will it be?” Doyoung defers to Jaehyun.

He leans back . “She does something to distract herself.”

You purse your lips together, affecting an air of deep thought. "My choice?"

"Always," he says, not breaking eye contact. 

"Rock, paper, scissors, then." You nod at him. He grins, Doyoung groans. Jungwoo's long arms wrap around your waist, hands already in position. 

"Surely there's a better way we could eliminate your options," Doyoung says, almost missing the cue and throwing paper to the other two's scissors. 

"Better luck next time," you tease.

"Kiss it for luck." The back of Jungwoo's hand presses to your mouth moments before Jaehyun initiates. 

Jungwoo loses the second quick round after a draw, crushed by Jaehyun's rock. 

"I should have known you were cursed." Jungwoo pouts, not letting you free until you've ducked back into the water to escape him. You give him a wink as you swim towards the stairs, emerging between Jaehyun's spread legs before he can close them. 

"What are you doing?" he asks, warily, still leaned back against the last stair.

"What I want," you say, blinking drops from your lashes. You move weightlessly on to his thighs, grabbing his soft face in your hands. He's unable to process what's happening quickly enough to respond as you tilt his face up and press a gentle kiss to his parted mouth. 

You ignore Jungwoo's wolf-whistle in the background, partially aware Doyoung has shifted nearby the moment you'd slid into your friend's lap. All that is noise as the gentle sound of the water feature drowns the startled sound you make when you're grabbed and pulled back to Jaehyun's mouth. 

This time it's real: solid and delicious as he crushes against you, tongue sliding across the seam of your lips until you let go of your held breath to softly exhale into his. Small dips of his chin coax you into opening for him, your hands threading into his hair to anticipate his movements as he kisses you like it's the last time in his life he'll ever get the chance. 

"That's enough," Doyoung says, Jungwoo booing him. 

The other two may as well not exist, your thumbs circling Jaehyun's cheekbones as you retreat to inspect the damage. He's usually so composed it feels like peering into a different universe's version of him, rapture and satisfaction warring with concern in his expression. 

"Thank you," you whisper. His eyes focus again, teeth exposed as he tongues them. 

"Any time," he says. It's funny how instantly he regrets the word choice, the pink in his ears and cheeks deepening.

"Not thinking about you-know-who now, are you?" Jungwoo asks, right behind you. 

"No," you say. "But I suspect you wish I'd say yes if only for the consequences."

"That was hot," he admits. "But I don't typically like my prospects thinking about other men." 

"Can I tell you a secret?" You crook your finger, clutching on to Jungwoo's wet patterned shirt when he leans down far enough to be in range. 

"I only made you play for it so we could find out who goes first." You say it in his ear, letting your mouth drag against the shell.

He pulls back, hesitant, nose brushing against your cheek. 

"Really?" 

"Kiss me and find out," you offer. 

He doesn't wait, lashes against his cheeks as he meets you halfway, tilting your head to the side for full exploration of your lips. He's much gentler than you expected, shy almost, tender even when your tongue meets his and you can taste the hint of sticky mango rice you'd had for dessert earlier. 

"Good boy," you say once you've broken free. He smiles in the way you're used to the most, right side of his face crooking with an edge of deviousness.

You turn to find Jaehyun watching, eyes starry with arousal but unreadable. Doyoung is on his feet as if he's preparing his exit, expression stony. 

"Is something wrong?" you ask, meeting his calculating stare.

Doyoung opens and shuts his mouth, water pooling at his feet. 

"Not enough punishment for you?" There's an edge to your voice that you recognize as the tone you'd used many times before, in your idiotic quest to tame one of his own. 

The tension breaks when Doyoung laughs softly, crouching down and crooking his finger. You wade up the steps to meet him, hyper aware of the drag of eyes on you as you emerge from the water, dress clinging to your skin. 

"I planned out such a nice trip for you, and this is what you really want?" Doyoung asks, eyes traveling down your body and back to your face in the kind of assessment that you'd seen other people wither under. 

"Why do you think I agreed to come?"

“Noted.”

He nods, slightly, but makes no move to take what you'd already given the others. You don't let it dissuade you, fingers digging into the hard line of his shoulders to press your lips to his. 

It's like kissing a statue. A challenge you're willing to meet as you delve further, rocking him back on his heels. You pry open his mouth with gentle bites and licks between each kiss, past his perfect teeth until you can explore his tongue with your own. You don't realize your hands are fisted in his wet hair until you're done, finding him collapsed on the wet cement, panting. 

"Was that sufficient punishment?" you ask.

"For you? Absolutely not," Doyoung says, the rare full smile gracing his kiss-swollen mouth. "For them? Yes."

You glance back at your other two companions, clocking that they're both nearer than you remembered. Jaehyun's hand drifts over your hip, as if he's questioning letting you go in the first place. 

"Should we set some rules? Or are you all going to take them as an excuse to break them?"

Jungwoo chuckles. 

"No competition. Equal time, equal attention. And no possessiveness," you state. Doyoung looks up from under his brows with amusement, clearly enjoying your groundless attempt to set boundaries. 

"I don't care what you throw at me as long as you don't walk back what you said about our friendship."

"I think we're something different now," Jaehyun says, voice cracking.

"I know," you say. You run a hand over his head, feeling his temple come to rest against your waist. "But you crossed that line first. I'm just saving you the trouble of playing some silly game to come on to me. I'm not a prize to win. I'm a person who knows you all better than you think."

You turn to Doyoung again, holding your ground. "You said you'd give me the true F4 experience."

"Within reason," he demures. 

"Then lose your hangups and let me have a taste of what it's like to be just one of those girls you have no problem with having fun with. No special treatment, no regrets."

The stunned silence has you feeling a twinge of embarrassment at pushing your agenda this far.

"Impossible," Jungwoo answers. 

"Why not?"

He pulls the hair away from your neck to kiss beneath your ear. Gooseflesh appears on your arms even in the warm air, anticipating his answer, but he's too occupied with trailing his mouth down, sucking lightly over your pulse. You feel dizzy, hand reaching back to hold his head to you.

Once he's had enough of watching you unravel Doyoung jerks you forward, grip tight around your wrist.

It's a familiar gesture, a reminder you are at their mercy. He cuffs his hand around your neck like he's going in for another kiss, stopping at a few inches. 

"You don't get to set all the rules. This one especially. You are not just some girl with whom we engage in forgettable, inconsequential relations."

He pauses, eyes darting to your mouth before meeting yours again. "If we go down this path you're getting the real thing. All of it."

"We know you have experience." Jungwoo adds. 

Oh you knew. They fucked around but they were careful about it, always gentlemen, always above board. NDAs in some cases, mostly for Doyoung. You didn’t know all of their specific proclivities outside of Jungwoo exclusively chasing women a generation older but you suspected whatever they enjoyed was much less wholesome. 

Like Johnny's needs once he'd finally had you. He'd bent that way and much, much more. The difference was he'd never been as precious with you as they were with their little conquests.

If they didn't want the safety of a legal cushion it didn't mean they didn't need it–they just didn't think it would be a problem.

"I'm sure you've heard a lot of things about me," you say. A whisper of rage underlies the words, colored by so many rumors foisted on you well before you'd ever accepted their company–even more when they had. 

Whore. Cockslut. Used goods.

Johnny had always been a contradiction–surprisingly prudish about sex but quick to use the grossest allusions to it when pressed for details by his friends, liberal in his name calling. They'd known him since childhood–they didn't believe him, even if everyone else had taken his words as gospel. You'd had your revenge by proving just how true those words could be in private.

"We don't know anything you don't," Jaehyun says, quickly. 

"Still, I don't think you know what you're signing up for," you say. "If anyone is using anyone in this arrangement, it's going to be me. Or I'm out."

"You worried we can't show you a good time?" Jungwoo asks. It's a funny question with him pressed into your back like he'll push your head down into the water if you answer incorrectly.

"I'm worried you'll chicken out," you say, grabbing Doyoung's wrist to keep his fingers on you, covering them with yours to increase the tension. You'd always been strong.

Doyoung's expression is matched by his lingering hold on your throat, squeezing a little and making your eyes drift shut in pleasure.

"You always did seem to enjoy the humiliation a little more than our other targets. Can't say it wasn't an encouraging factor. You like it, don't you?"

He lets you go with a slight push, registering the way your eyes haze over with reflected lust.

"Yeah. Blame a few formative years of getting my signals crossed. Just part of the damage." There's no shame in your voice, another casualty of their efforts.

"You're not damaged," Jaehyun remarks.

"Not beyond repair," you agree, gaze burning into Doyoung's. His regard is a thousand times more revealing than a kiss, most especially the tic in his cheek every time Jungwoo decides to leave a mark with his tongue and teeth on your throat and you reward him with a moan.

"Should be fun seeing which one of us can push past your comfort zone, then," Jungwoo says, breath cooling the last bruise he's left on the back of your neck. "Find out if you have one."

"You're not dropping the competition?" 

Nervous anticipation gives you butterflies, different than the ones springing up being teased by the three of them. Not one of them accepted being outclassed.

"No." Jaehyun says it well before the others. His hands drop to your legs to hold you steady as Jungwoo continues his assault on your neck. "But equal opportunity. I think we can all agree on that."

"Don't worry, we'll play fair," Jungwoo says, biting your shoulder. You jerk in his grasp, vaguely aware of fingers at your hem. Doyoung continues to watch, tongue darting over his lips.

"I hope not," you say. "I won't."

It's all the permission your captors need.

Your breath stutters as Jaehyun's hand slides up your inner thigh, circling the wet skin absent-mindedly. You whine a little, teased by the first intimate touch you've had in months.

"You better stay quiet. We do have neighbors," Doyoung says, voice pitched low.

"Think you can shut me up?"

He takes the hint, sliding his legs back over the ledge, letting you finish unbuttoning his shirt to expose his creamy skin. You spread your fingers over his firm abdomen, flicking aside the sheer fabric. He's intoxicatingly sensitive, muscles tensing as you follow the path of water down his long waist.

"You sure you want to play this game?" Doyoung asks, hand resting on your shaking fingers as you struggle to unbutton his damp jeans.

You look down at Jaehyun, smiling at him when you find he's still enraptured by your upper thighs. You wait until he looks back up, head cocked for permission.

"You alright with sharing me, tonight?"

Miles are crossed, bridges are burned as he contemplates the ask, returning to his shy efforts at warming your naked skin, lifting your hem to dangerous territory.

"Wouldn't dare stand in your way."

Jaehyun's approval is the best thing you've seen in a long time, even more so when he adjusts to be eye level with your now exposed underwear, back pressed to Doyoung's leg. 

Jungwoo tugs at the strap of your dress playfully. 

"Can puppy wait his turn?" you ask, looking up at your other torturer. 

Jungwoo kisses you over your shoulder, messily, before casually breaking one of the thin straps of your dress where it's attached to the delicate gold cherub adornment. The night air pebbles your skin, exposed nipple hardening more as he trails a fingertip lazily around it.

"As long as you need." 

He angles you down a bit towards the other man, just as Jaehyun's mouth finds you through the thin fabric of your lingerie–hot and perfect. Your knees are already weak and you have to catch yourself on Doyoung's thighs as you're touched and kissed and licked, still partially submerged and torn between warm and warmer.

There's a bit of menace in Doyoung's face, watching you unzip and find his length. He adjusts a little when you tug down the elastic waistband of his underwear, his cock already mostly erect despite the water. He's not as big as Johnny but perfectly sized, long and veined as he hardens in your hand. 

You experiment with laves of your tongue against his flushed head, watching him for a reaction through your lashes.

"Sucking me off before I can even take you on a proper date." He tsks, the sound changing when you lower your head, tongue folding around his tip to devour him whole. 

"You look so good with my cock in your mouth," he says. "Wish I could take a picture–"

You cut him short by taking him deeper, feeling him press at the back of your mouth. It's been awhile since you tested your gag reflex.

Thankfully Jaehyun has compromised on watching you while pushing your underwear into your sticky folds, Jungwoo playing with your breasts in the most maddening way possible with soft flicks and tugs. 

Both of them are sending you skyrocketing to a level of joy yet unexperienced this lifetime, much less this year. You have to concentrate on Doyoung to keep from falling apart too quickly.

Jungwoo's long fingers help clear your hair from your face so you can breathe, giving them all a better view as you choke, letting drool slip from your mouth as you take it deep and hard. 

The noises coming from your throat are nowhere near as obscene as the sounds Doyoung makes, angled back and thrusting weakly with each moan. You always thought his voice was beautiful, scratchy and breathy, but hearing him say your name in between gasps has your entire body enflamed. 

"Fuck, you're good," Doyoung says quietly, angled back on his elbows. 

Jungwoo holds your damp hair back, wrapping it in his fist to help guide you more gently. You relax your throat and take it, tears leaking from your eyes. If touch had you vibrating before, the sensation of being debased in this way has you dripping, your arousal exposed by Jaehyun's fingers slipping your panties down to the water.

"She's soaked," he says, running a single finger through your folds. You answer with a groan, other hand in his hair to hold him back before he can dip in again.

Jungwoo tests you, too, giving you a few swipes to collect your slick. He brings his fingertips to your mouth when you finally take a breath, letting you clean them.

It's delightful how Doyoung is unraveling already, arched back, eyes glassy. He drinks in the sight of you sucking two of Jungwoo's fingers until your cheeks hollow.

"You think you can finish what you started?" you ask.

"I don't think I'll ever want it to end," he admits.

"How about coming on my tongue?" You ask, pumping him slowly. You chase the taste of yourself with kitten licks of the beads of white on his head, going lower to trace his veins. 

"Only if you want to swallow everyone tonight," Doyoung says. The offer is tempting. You hesitate long enough that he reads you like an open book, adding an edge of threat. "Or do you want to be stuffed like the little whore you are?"

The affectation has you seizing up in long-withheld gratification. Jungwoo grinds against your ass as Jaehyun ignores your hold to finally lick long paths up your inner thighs, chasing trails of slippery arousal and water to dive in, fingers spreading your legs wide.

It's impossible to find a retort, sinking back into Jungwoo's embrace as you're attacked from below.

"I think you should only fuck me if you can make me come," you counter. "And it's still Jaehyun's turn–"

Your words are punctuated by a cry, Jungwoo's hand clapped over your mouth as Jaehyun pumps into you with two fingers, hooking into your g-spot.

"Ooh," Jungwoo says over your head. "Guess you'll have to wait." 

Doyoung sighs, taking over with his hand when you're bodily dragged back, Jungwoo lifting your dress to take it off. 

"Leave it on," Doyoung says. "The ravaged look suits her." 

You shoot him a look, unable to maintain your expression when Jaehyun's mouth works likes he's devouring you in turn, teeth scraping as he explores every inch of you, teasing your clit with darts of his tongue. Jungwoo frees your mouth to let you breathe, babbled words of praise spilling from you in between small cries.

"So good, so right, god, fuck–fuck." You're inarticulate as Jaehyun pumps his fingers slowly, spreading you and pressing right below his languid tongueing. Jungwoo's attention returns to your sensitive breasts, gently twisting each bud between his fingertips. 

"Keep it down," Doyoung warns, but it's impossible. 

Electric tingles spread down to your toes, tipped against the smooth pool floor. You let yourself relax in Jungwoo's hold, curling over your lover's head. Jaehyun is incredibly careful with you even as you're brought deeper, water lapping at his collarbones as he holds you spread and licks you in broad swaths. 

"Need a hand?" Jungwoo asks, somehow catching Jaehyun's nod mid-effort. You're unmoored by the hand that slips in from behind, fingers curling into you shallowly, water lapping your immersed buttocks. Jaehyun gives up control but he's still also buried in you, drawing wetness out of you with each stroke of his fingers.

Jungwoo matches his speed, knuckle to knuckle, as Jaehyun moves up to apply pressure to your clit again. 

"You two can get her ready. I want her after she's been used," Jungwoo says. 

"Of course you do," Doyoung says, dropping back in the water, demanding your attention. You indulge him with your hand, pumping him loosely beneath the surface. It's hard to coordinate as Jungwoo's hand fucks you into the pressure of Jaehyun's grip tight on your upper thighs, each circle of his tongue on your clit making your vision shimmer. 

"She's so close. Bet we can make her squirt." 

"No," you say, automatically self-conscious. 

"Did you hear that? She thinks she has a choice." The heel of Jungwoo's palm smacks wetly against your ass as he finger-fucks you, already too much before Jaehyun seems to pull you towards him, pressing hard into your walls. It's unlike anything you've ever felt, completely at their mercy as Jaehyun applies suction to your clit to bring you to the brink. 

"Come for us," Doyoung says. He's pressed to your side, rutting against your waist while taking your mouth to keep the shriek building inside your throat muffled.

There's no controlling the powerful waves tearing through your core, your legs shaking and buckling as the orgasm begins and doesn't seem to end, torn from you between all three of them. A hot gush of liquid coats your thighs as you throb around their fingers, pleasure morphing into pain until you're begging for them to stop. 

Jaehyun is the first to let you go, rising to share your release with a crushing kiss that takes your breath away, Jungwoo's fingers still reaching deep inside you.

"Good girl," Jungwoo says. "Was that your first time?"

You nod, cheeks hot, forehead pressed to Jaehyun's. You cling to him, still not quite down to earth from your climax. 

"Thank you," Jaehyun says, laughing slightly. "Was that too intense?"

"No," you shake your head. "Just hold me, please."

"Forever," he says, lifting you to straddle his hips. He manages the stairs to collapse on the deck, wrapping you tight in his arms as you kiss him deeply, cleaning his face of your release with gentle swipes of your fingers.

"You sure you don't want to go inside?" he asks, when you begin to unwrap him from his shirt. 

"I need you so much," you say. "I can't wait another moment."

He grins, shyly, kissing you as you help him out of his undershirt to reveal his swimmer's frame, triangular torso buckling into visible abdominal muscles. He's breath-taking, even more beautiful when you help him out of his pants and underwear to find his thighs flexed beneath his hard cock, shorter but thicker and so perfectly full and ready for you to sink down on. 

He doesn't question taking you raw–brow furrowing in concentration as you adjust to his girth slowly.

"We'll do this without an audience soon," you whisper, hoping he can still hear you as he bottoms out in your heat and his eyes flutter shut. 

"Yeah," he says, breathily. He's not moving, soaking in the sensation of having you completely wrapped around him. "I couldn't wait, either. You feel just as perfect as I imagined."

"So good," you assure him, moving for him. The lingering effects of coming harder than you think you ever have in your life aren't stopping you from bearing down on him, taking him harder and deeper with his wide shoulders for leverage. 

"Fuck, baby," Jaehyun growls. "I'm not gonna last like this."

He takes control with a firm grasp on your waist, pumping up into you. Soon he's bouncing you mercilessly into his hips, laid back on his wet clothes.

You haven't forgotten about the other two men, not when Doyoung's kneeled behind you, straddling Jaehyun's legs to stroke himself against the swell of your ass. 

Jungwoo grabs your hand to wrap around his own exposed cock, letting you feel him before you can even take in the sight of him bobbing over your head. Your finger and thumb can barely connect around his shaft, length too much to fit half of it in your mouth before you know it will be in your throat. Now you understand why the screams you'd heard from his room always sounded on the borderline of pain. 

"Too much for you?" He asks, angling the velvety soft head to catch on your open lips. Jaehyun slows down his thrusts to let you ease into taking the other man, pumping Jungwoo's base as best as you can as you sloppily accept the suffocation.

"Must have had a lot of practice getting your throat fucked to take me so well," he says, angling your head to move past the back of your tongue. You can't answer so you squeeze his balls instead, applying just enough pressure with your nails to have him groaning in appreciation. 

You lose your rhythm when you feel spit drip down your back, Doyoung collecting your earlier release from your thighs and mixing it with his saliva to rub his fingers against your puckered hole.

"Are you gonna be a good girl for all of us?" he asks, pressing a digit into the ring of muscle, causing you to choke on the heavy weight in your mouth.  

Jungwoo pulls out, saliva trailing from your lips as he gives you a break to adjust. You press your forehead to the sheer tank separating you from his flat belly as you look over your shoulder.

"I can take it," you say, trying to relax. Doyoung inserts another slender finger, making you clench around him and Jaehyun until the other man is panting. 

"I didn't ask if you could take it. I asked if you were going to be good."

"Fuck me and find out," you taunt. He's not like the others–he denies you anything but the wedge of his fingers into your ass, adding a third to stretch you when you're not loose enough. 

Jaehyun fucks against the intrusion, holding out until you're closer as he twines his fingers with yours and watches you work Jungwoo's oversized cock in your mouth and hand. 

"Knew you were a little slut who wanted to have all her holes stuffed. One of us wasn't enough for you, you had to make us share. I'm the only one who gets to fuck this tight little ass, though."

Doyoung drops another gob of spit on the dimple at the base of your spine, letting it slide over the gape left when he slides out his fingers. You cry out at the first intrusion of his cock into your barely-lubed hole, fighting to stay on top of Jaehyun as he works in with shallow thrusts, inch by agonizing inch.

"Keep forcing me out," Doyoung says. "I'll just fuck you harder." 

As if to prove his point he grabs on to your ruined dress at the back, arching your spine for you and making you take him deeper. The burning pain blurs into delicious aching pleasure–you needed this more than you could have even imagined. Jaehyun grunts inarticulately, palming your breasts and squeezing them in time to the ecstatic shudders rolling through your body as you're filled. 

"Open up for me," Jungwoo says, cock back in your gaping mouth. You let him hold you by the hair to fuck into your mouth, spit and tears mixing to splash on your breasts. 

When they resume their individual efforts you feel yourself being pulled apart by sensation, only able to manage sharp breaths through your nose to keep from drowning as tears leak from your eyes and sobs rip from your throat. 

"No cumming until she creams herself on Jaehyun," Doyoung says, reaching around to press hard into your clit. It's a hard ask with how overstimulated you already are but you can feel your muscles tightening against your will. Doyoung and Jaehyun's uhhs and mms mix in your ears, Jungwoo softly praising you when your jaw relaxes to swallow him despite the rock of your body against the other two. 

"Fuck she's so tight," Jaehyun says. "I don't know if I can wait."

"Wait." Doyoung orders, picking up his pace. "She's close. Make sure she remembers to breathe."

Jungwoo groans, pulling out with a last slap of his head on your tongue, letting you lap at the precum leaking from him. "You two are useless." 

He kneels down beside you, wresting Doyoung's hand away from your sore folds and rubbing soft, tight circles around your nub. It's not the stimulation as much as his mouth on yours, kissing with as much care and intimacy as you'd felt before, that carries you to a peak again.

"Oh fuck," Jaehyun says, lifting you with a last upwards jerk of his hips and spilling inside you. The rush of warm heat is so good you chase it, overworked muscles unable to hold against the sensation and twitching powerfully around both of their cocks buried deep inside you. 

Just as quickly your knees give out, collapsing half on Jaehyun and Jungwoo. Doyoung's shallow movements turn violent as he no longer bothers to keep you locked on Jaehyun, thrusting a few more times into your throbbing heat before emptying himself and pulling out to rub the last few spurts onto your skin.

"Shh," Jungwoo says when you continue to whimper, sniffling from the tears sliding down your cheeks. "You're almost done."

You shake your head half-heartedly, clinging to his shirt. You're dizzy, adrenaline fading and leaving you boneless and blotted out.

"Please. Maybe just a breather?" you beg. "My legs . . ." 

Jaehyun lifts you, and you hiss at the raw pain of your abused knees, grit brushed away by someone else's hands.

"Poor baby." Doyoung says. "Should have done this in bed but you just couldn't wait."

"'S fine," you mumble, swimming in the glow of your last orgasm. "Bed sounds nice."

"Get a towel," Jungwoo says, and Jaehyun rushes to grab one for you. Instead of cleaning or drying you off Jungwoo carries you to the edge of the pool, slipping in and cramming the soft fabric under you as he lets your legs dangle over the edge and into the water.

"What are you doing, puppy?" You manage to ask, holding on to his neck.

"Don't worry. I'll be careful," he says, palming himself between your legs. "Someone want to keep her head up? I need her to watch." 

Jaehyun adjusts to embrace you from behind, spreading your limp legs so they can all see the steady leak of cum from your gaping holes. You hear the telltale click of a picture being taken, distantly aware Doyoung's phone is still–obviously–working.

"What . . . ?" You ask drowsily, acquiescencing to the pull of your dress over your head and off of you. You shiver deeply, warmed by the body heat of the man behind you as the other strips in front of you. 

"You're going to come for us one more time," Jungwoo says, rising out of the water to pump himself at your leaking core. "I'm not letting you go until I can wring every last drop out of you."

"Fuck," you protest, writhing as he pulls you almost off the hard deck and onto his ready length. Jaehyun holds you tight, arm under your breasts as Jungwoo slides into the mess of cum and slick between your thighs. 

"That's right, take it," Jungwoo says, pinning you against Jaehyun. "Breathe, baby." 

"Too much," you sob, finding he's not even fully sheathed when the familiar ache in your belly of being hit too deep whites out your brain. 

"You don't want your puppy?" Jungwoo can barely speak, ramming in deeper with each rock of his hips. "Don't want to be a good mommy and take all of me?" 

Jaehyun is already semi-hard against your back, and you catch Doyoung's approval before he replaces it with a feigned look of disgust, slipping into the water to watch you both. You can see his arm flex, jerking himself underwater, the other holding his phone up. 

"If we'd known you were such a whore we would have fucked you sooner. It looks like you'll need some more breaking in."

You cry out, stretched tight around the thicker root of Jungwoo's cock, letting him wrap your legs over his shoulders for maximum depth. Whatever pain you feel is so merged with the fullness and perfect hit of him against your walls that you don't mind it, you can't help but slip into a dreamy state of bliss. 

"You're doing so well," Jaehyun says into the hair at your temple. "Can't wait to treat you right. Make you come on my tongue again as many times as I can before the sun rises."

"No, no, no," you moan.

Jaehyun pinches your nipple to wake you up, Jungwoo gasping when you manage to clench around him. 

"You both got her pussy first. You should let me take her tonight. Keep her awake by fucking her as soon as she falls asleep." Doyoung threatens, pulling your leg aside to get the best angle of you being impaled and stretched fuller than you'd ever thought you could be. 

"No one's getting her if she doesn't come again," Jungwoo says. He meets your tear-filled gaze, eyes half-lidded. "Is that what you want? To fall asleep on my cock and let me warm you all night until you're ready to fuck me?"

"Please, come for me, puppy," you manage to bite out, touching yourself in earnest to try and fight back. "So big for me, fill me up."

He takes the bait–you're folded in half, legs bent to your chest as he drives in, balls slapping wetly against you. When you're pliant again he readjusts his strokes to press into your upper walls with each rotation of his hips, and for the first time in a long time you realize you're getting close on cock alone. 

Jaehyun seems to feel the change in you, grinding against your back as his hand holds your throat so you can't turn away. The pressure makes you practically feral, crying out for more. 

"Just like that, like that, please please please," you moan over the lap of the water.

"Feel you sucking me in," Jungwoo says, face flushed and sweaty over you, hair dripping water onto your curled belly. "Let go for me so I can come in you so deep you can taste it."

"Yes, yes, please." You buck with the sudden electric tingle of another climax, steady tempo leading you to softer spasms than before. It's fine if you can't tell where you're at or what you're feeling because Jungwoo can, one final snap of his hips dropping you into fucked out darkness. 

When you come to again you're wrapped around him in the pool, gasping at the sensation of his cock still slowly pumping the last of his release into you.

"Trust me," he says, hands under your backside, lowering you into water suspended between the night and the warmth below. 

Doyoung spreads a hand over your breasts, Jaehyun beside him to hold your neck like he's teaching you to float. You let your mouth fall open and your eyes clench shut, tasting pool water before one of them–Doyoung probably, by the sounds--releases thick, white stripes across your tongue. Jaehyun follows suit, cockhead nudging against the underside of your breast as he paints your torso with molten heat. 

"Fuck that was incredible," Jungwoo says, slipping out of you finally so you can sink into the water. You submerge as much as you can to lose the coat of stickiness, until Doyoung decides you're done, pulling you out and against his chest.

"That was . . . a lot," you admit, shaking against him. 

"You did so well." He soothes you with a hand on your head, clearing your hair from your face delicately to press a kiss to your forehead.  The gesture is so at odds with his recent persona that you can't resist burrowing into it, relaxing fully against his naked chest. "Not bad for an initiation."

"I'm one of you, now?" you murmur. 

"Always were," Jaehyun says. He doesn't dare take you from Doyoung but he does lean down to kiss you deeply, hand running broad circles over your spine.

"Just think of all those red cards as an invitation." Jungwoo jokes, sinking down to eye level to caress your cheek. 

You remember scraped knees and busted lips, cafeteria trays dumped on you by entire tables of jealous girls and sycophantic boys. Johnny humiliating you, ordering you to clean his shoe with his tongue when you'd taken the place of your weaker friend who'd spilled on it. 

But you also remember the small moments of acknowledgement–the way Jungwoo had lingered outside your work waiting to get off when you closed to walk you home at night, or how Doyoung had bought out the entire store when you'd used the shitty part-time job as an excuse to duck out of being his date to a formal dinner you had no business being at. 

And most of all, all those hours spent sitting beside Jaehyun in your rooftop retreat, silently appreciating the late afternoon sun turning the city brilliant as you shared one half of a wired headphone.

Maybe having your heart ripped out was worth it, if it meant having this.

"Which one of us do you want to take care of you tonight?" Doyoung asks. 

You smile into his cool skin, melting into the knowledge that you've earned a place very few had shared. You'll enjoy it as long as it can last.

"Play for it."

[respectthepetty]

CockTails in the Skyy! - Drink Recap

I made it through eight rounds of drinking, so I could get through Our Skyy 2 with minimal damage. Below are the basic ingredients for each drink, links to the connected post rambling about each episode, and the drinking GIFs I used for each installment. Feel free to take the GIFs and the drink recipes to use as you'd like.

Bottoms Up!

Rum-Antics - Never Let Me Go (7.5/10)

spiced rum since I couldn't get Mekhong

smashed blueberries for that purple color that Nueng and Palm always had during their lovey-dovey scenes

ginger ale because I think Nueng was studying abroad in England, but if not . . . it is what it is

brown sugar and lime juice on the rim for class differences

Sun & Stars - Star in My Mind (7/10)

gin & tonic to balance the bitter and sweet of Daonuea and Khabkluen's dynamic

pineapple juice for that beach vibe

elder flower syrup and vanilla bean sugar on the rim to add to the sickly sugariness they expell

Jack Nasty - The Eclipse (8/10)

Jack Daniel's Honey Whiskey for Akk and Ayan's sweet yet intense dynamic

unfiltered apple cider for the A+ prefect jerk, Akk

lemon juice for the wrench in the system and Sour Patch kid, Ayan

honey and cinnamon on the rim for Kan and Thua

Purple Pair - Vice Versa (6/10, could've been 9/10)

Absolut vodka because vodka is my least favorite liquor (just like this show), but Absolut since much like this company, I'm gonna support my fellow queers no matter what

cranberry juice for Puen's pink(ish)

curaçao for Talay's blue

lavender syrup and rock candy on the rim for the wild switcheroo between calm and chaos

For Goodness' Sake - My School President (9/10)

sake for Chinzhilla's hot pot adventure

more white wine for all the whining and pining the Gun and Tinn did

lemons, limes, oranges, grapes, and apple slices for the sweetness overload (I was going to comment about the variation of fruits, but I don't know the crowd's feelings on the word, so . . . *takes a big sip directly from the bottle*)

Deja Brew - A Boss & A Babe (8/10)

dark coffee for our "tough" boss, Gun

vanilla brandy for the boss's babe, Cher

soy milk and ice for the men holding it together Tubtab and Jack

whipped cream and chocolate shavings for the disgustingly sweet Three and Zo

Sleigh What? - Bad Buddy (9.5/10 crossover with ATOTS)

champagne because all I hear is Jessie Ware's "Champagne Kisses" when I see these too

coconut water for episode 11's cake by the ocean (sex on the beach)

mint for that refreshing Pran smell that Pat loves

Christmas glass because it felt like Christmas getting that crossover and never forget Pat was shot on Christmas Eve!

Par-tea-ing Ways - A Tale of Thousand Stars (9.5/10 crossover with Bad Buddy)

tequila because I was saving my favorite liquor for my favorite series in this lineup

mango tea for those sachets that saved the village

chimoy and Tajín on the rim for that 🔥🔥🔥 Tian and Phupha bring

As usual,

Cheers, Queers!

[25shadesoffebruary]

Complications & Devotions

“He does not want you,” San yells, face flush, chest raising, eyes pleading. His hands were reaching, grabbing, and pulling at Ray's shirt. He’s pulling him into him inch by inch. Ray can’t do anything but let it happen. He can’t do anything but think, ‘No, you’re wrong. He does want me. He told me that he does.’

Except.

Except.

Mew told him he was wanted when he was crying over Top. When he was ten shots into Mekhong, his face was as red as the blood in his veins. As the blood he was unknowingly spilling every time, he cut him with the words of his devotion to Top. Only when Top was unavailable to Mew and Ray did everything to make himself accessible to being used.

Only when Mew’s loneliness and rejection had finally spilled over and poured into Ray. And Ray had been filled over and over and over again. Been fucked over and over and over again. He’s been kissed over and over again and again and again.

He is wanted.

Told he was wanted and loved and that if Mew could start over, he would choose him a thousand times over.

And then the sun would rise, and Top would be the first thing on Mew’s mind while Mew lay naked in Ray’s bed.

And Ray,

Ray would pretend to be asleep as he watched Mew sneak around and put his clothes on to rush out of his room. He got what he wanted, he thought to himself, and that was something at least. He was content with the relationship that he and Mew shared.

But to tell that to San, explaining that to San, right now at this moment, he couldn’t. He didn’t want to. He was aware of how that made him look, of how that made Mew look. And Ray didn’t want to give San more reason to dislike Mew. San had enough reasons already.

So he let San grab and pull him inch by inch until he could feel San's chest rising against him. Until he was looking into brown eyes lighter than his own.

Until San opens his mouth, filling Ray’s world with more complications.

“He does not want you” He repeats, breathe spreading across Rays’s face. “But I do.”

And that’s the thing about San. He was always so fucking complicated.

[soclaimon]

ฉลองคืนฮาโลวีนที่โรงแรมสินธร มิดทาวน์ กรุงเทพฯ กับเมนูอาหารไทย 6 คอร์สสุดพิเศษ

https://www.naewna.com/lady/838021 ฉลองคืนฮาโลวีนที่โรงแรมสินธร มิดทาวน์ กรุงเทพฯ กับเมนูอาหารไทย 6 คอร์สสุดพิเศษ วันจันทร์ ที่ 28 ตุลาคม พ.ศ. 2567, 19.58 น. โรงแรมสินธร มิดทาวน์ กรุงเทพฯ วีนแยทท์ คอลเล็คชั่น โรงแรมในเครือ IHG เชิญชวนมาเฉลิมฉลองวันฮาโลวีนด้วยประสบการณ์การรับประทานอาหารสุดระทึกใจด้วยหลากหลายเมนูพิเศษ The Lost Recipes X Mekhong ที่ ห้องอาหาร Bangkok’78 อิ่มอร่อยกับเมนูอาหารไทย…

[cindydacatpink]

Which your favorite Thai Film Production. Mostly GTH Movies is my favorite.

(Note: Mekhong Full Moon Party was co-production by Hub Ho Hin Films)

[hadeschan]

item # K22D13

RARE Pra Pong Luang Phor Lee, Wat Asokaram, Pim Kèe Kung, Nua Pong Pasom Wan (Nua Chocolate), Ok Wat Pa Khlong Kung. A Buddha amulet with a bas-relief of a meditating Buddha seating on top of a shrimp, and the amulet is in a shape of a Phan-tai (rice paddy field ploughing tool). Made from mainly fragments and resin of mystical plants, blended with holy powder, it is called “Nua Chocolate” because of its color is similar to chocolate. Made by Luang Phor Lee of Wat Asokaram while Luang Phor Lee was the first abbot of Wat Pa Khlong Kung, Chanthaburi Province, made after BE 2478 (CE 1935). The shrimp refers to Wat Pa Khlong Kung which means the forest temple in shrimp canal Sub-district.

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BEST FOR: The amulet in a shape of a Phan-tai helps flip your bad life or bad luck to the better one, and reward you whatever you wish for. It helps bring success in life and in career, and endless food with wealth & prosperity. An amulet made by Luang Phor Lee gives favorable omens, and strengthens auspicious omens which bring positive role in your life. It has a tendency to draw positive energy. Klawklad Plodpai (bringing safety, and pushes you away from all danger), Kongkraphan (making you invulnerable to all weapon attack), Nang Nieow, a rock-hard skin that is completely impervious to damage with bludgeoning or piercing weapons, Maha-ut (stopping gun from shooting at you), Metta Maha Niyom (helping bring loving, caring, and kindness, and compassion from people all around you to you), Maha Larp (bringing Lucky Wealth / wealth fetching), and Kaa Kaai Dee (helping tempt your customers to buy whatever you are selling, and it helps attract new customers and then keep them coming back. Ponggan Poot-pee pee-saat Kunsai Mondam Sa-niat jan-rai Sat Meepit (helping ward off evil spirit, demon, bad ghost, bad omen, bad spell, curse, accursedness, black magic, misfortune, doom, and poisonous animals). It helps protect you from manipulators, backstabbers, and toxic people.

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Phan-tai

An amulet in shape of a Phan-tai, a rice paddy field ploughing tool, Thais believe that it could flip the earth to be ready for rice farming, so it could turn your bad life to be ready to the next best one

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Luang Phor Lee, the founder, and the first abbot of Wat Asokaram, living between BE 2450 to BE 2504

PHRA AJAAN LEE DHAMMADHARO was one of the foremost teachers in the Thai forest ascetic tradition of meditation founded at the turn of the twentieth century by Phra Ajaan Sao Kantasilo and Phra Ajaan Mun Bhuridatto. His life was short but eventful. Known for his skill as a teacher and his mastery of supranatural powers, he was the first to bring the ascetic tradition out of the forests of the Mekhong basin and into the mainstream of Thai society in central Thailand.

The year before his death, he was hospitalized for two months with a heart ailment and so took the opportunity to dictate his autobiography. He chose to aim the story at his followers—people who were already acquainted with him but didn’t know him well enough—and he selected his material with a double purpose, choosing incidents that made both for good stories and for good lessons. Some of the lessons are aimed at monks, other at meditators in general, but by and large they deal with issues he had not been able to include in his written guides to meditation and Buddhist practice in general.

As a result, the book contains very little on the substantive events in his own meditation. If you have come to this book in hopes of gauging the level of Ajaan Lee’s meditative attainments, you have come to the wrong place, for on this topic his lips are sealed. Most of what he wanted to say on the subject he had already included in his other books. As for his own personal attainments, he never mentioned them even to his closest students.

What he talks about here are the events that surrounded his life as a meditator, and how he dealt with them: the challenges, the strange characters, and the unusual incidents he encountered both in the forest and in the centers of human society. He presents the life of meditation as one of adventure—where truth is a quality of heart, rather than of ideas, and the development of the mind is a matter of life and death—and it is in this that a large part of the book’s educational and entertainment value lies.

Ajaan Lee’s method of drawing lessons from his experiences is typical of Thai meditations teachers—i.e., he rarely draws them explicitly. One notable exception is the fine passage toward the end where he discusses the benefits of living a wanderer’s life in the forest, but otherwise he leaves it up to his readers to draw their own lessons from the incidents he relates. Rather than handing you lessons on a platter, he wants you to be earnest enough in your desire to learn to search for and find useful lessons no matter where you look. When you get used to being taught in this way, the pay-off is that you can learn from everything. As Ajaan Lee says himself, there are lessons to be learned from animals, trees, and even vines.

Some readers will be taken aback by the amount of space Ajaan Lee gives to signs, portents, and other supranatural events. Things of this sort tend to be downplayed in the laundered versions of Theravada Buddhism usually presented in the West—in which the Buddha often comes off as a Bertrand Russell or Fritz Perls in robes—and admittedly they are not the essence of what the Buddha had to teach. Still, they are an area that many people encounter when they explore the mind and where they often go astray for lack of reliable guidance. Ajaan Lee had a great deal of experience in this area and many useful lessons to teach. He shows by example which sorts of experiences to treat simply as curiosities, which to take seriously, and how to test the experiences that seem to have important messages.

In my many conversations with his students, I have learned that Ajaan Lee limited his narrative to only the milder events of this sort. He often deals so much in understatement that it is possible to read through some of the incidents and not realize that anything out of the ordinary is happening. When the book was first printed after his death, many of his followers were disappointed in it for just this reason, and a number of them got together to write an expanded version of Ajaan Lee’s life that included many of the more amazing events they had experienced in his presence. Fortunately—from Ajaan Lee’s perspective at least—this manuscript soon disappeared.

To be frank, what first drew me to Ajaan Lee, aside from the clarity and subtlety of his teachings, were the tales I had heard of his powers and personality. My teacher, Ajaan Fuang Jotiko, was a close disciple of his, and much of my early education as a monk consisted of listening to his stories of his adventures with Ajaan Lee. For me, if the autobiography had lacked the drama of the event in Wat Supat or the panache of his encounter with Mae Fyyn (having her light him a cigarette as one of her first acts after he had cured her paralysis), it wouldn’t have been Ajaan Lee.

However, I should say something here about the miracles surrounding relics that play a large role in the latter part of the book. There is an old tradition in Buddhism that many of the bodily relics of the Buddha and his arahant disciples transformed into small pellet-like objects that come and go of their own accord. The Theravadan version of this tradition dates at least to medieval Sri Lanka and may go further back than that. There are old books that classify the various types of relics by shape and color, identifying which ones come from which parts of the Buddha’s body and which ones from which disciple. The tradition is still very much alive in Thailand, especially now that the bones of many of the dead masters of the forest ascetic tradition have turned into relics. As for relics of the Buddha, I have talked to many people who have seen them come and go, and I have had such experiences myself, although nothing as dramatic as Ajaan Lee’s.

I mention all this, not to make a case for the existence and provenance of the relics, but simply to point out that Ajaan Lee was not alone in having such experiences, and that the rational approach of Theravada Buddhism has its uncanny side as well.

At any rate, my feeling is that Ajaan Lee mentioned the issue of the relics for two reasons: 1) He was compelled to because it was part of the controversy that surrounded his name during his lifetime, and his students would have felt that something was seriously amiss if he didn’t provide some explanation of the topic. The incident at Wat Supat was not the only time that relics appeared while he was teaching meditation to groups of people, and in fact he once mentioned to Ajaan Fuang that the frequency with which this happened often irked him: Just as his students would be settling their minds in concentration, these things would appear and that would be the end of the meditation session.

2) As Ajaan Lee mentions in the autobiography, he felt that he had a karmic debt requiring him to build a chedi to enshrine relics of the Buddha and he needed to convince his supporters of the importance of the project.

So keep these points in mind as you read the relevant passages and be open to the possibility that throughout the book there are issues between Ajaan Lee and his audience that flow under the surface of the narrative and that you can only guess at.

Also bear in mind that the book was left unfinished. Ajaan Lee had planned to tack on a series of addenda dealing with events scattered in time and place throughout the body of the narrative, showing their connections and providing more details, but he left only a sketch of the first addendum, a piece explaining why he chose to name his monastery Wat Asokaram. The sketch is so disjointed and purposefully cryptic, though, that I have chosen to leave it out of this edition.

You will find, as you read through the book, occasional details of Thai culture and the rules of the Buddhist monkhood that might be unfamiliar to you. I have tried to anticipate these points, marking them with asterisks in the text and explaining them in the endnotes at the back of the book. Forgive me if I have missed anything you find puzzling. The endnotes are followed by a glossary of Pali and Thai terms I had to carry over into the translation. You might find it useful to read through Part I of the glossary—to get some sense of what is conveyed by a person’s name in Thai society—before jumping into the book itself.

Ajaan Lee as a speaker was always very conscious of his audience, and I suspect that his autobiography would have been a very different book if he had written it with a non-Thai audience in mind. My translating the book as it stands has been an act of trust: trust that the value of Ajaan Lee’s message is universal, and trust that there are readers willing to take the empathetic journey into another culture and mind set—to see what the possibilities of the human condition look like when viewed from a distant point in space and time, and to bring some of that new perspective back with them on their return.

Thanissaro Bhikkhu

(Geoffrey DeGraff)

PLEASE READ MORE AT: h t t p s ://w w w.dhammatalks.org/books/AutobioAjaanLee/Section0001.html

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DIMENSION: 2.70 cm high / 1.90 cm wide / 0.70 cm thick

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item # K22D13

Price: price upon request, pls PM and/or email us hadesamulet@outlook.com

100% GENUINE WITH 365 DAYS FULL REFUND WARRANTY

Item location: Hong Kong, SAR

Ships to: Worldwide

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****************************************

[pattograph]

Magical Forest #lettherebelight #red #magical #mekhong #bangkok #urban (at Cafe Tartine) https://www.instagram.com/p/B67KpcEDLt8/?igshid=1ojfxu67az4fo

[ktkratua]

Below view.🎡 #asiatique#jaopraya#bkk#bangkok#thailand#sony#sonynex5#nightout#swing#mekhong#nightlife#dark#sky#nostar #kratuasnap (at Asiatique The River Front) https://www.instagram.com/p/BXQtEcchwTM/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=13hrefzxxkhc4

[afterworkphotographer]

Beerlao #laostrip #asia #laos #mekhong #beer (ที่ ບ້ານ ປາກເຊບັ້ງໄຟ) https://www.instagram.com/p/BuDyFzOng70/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=z0xhhghzs00

[magnificent-melanin]

[chefsouspression]

From the our #randd bar. Whipped up this little tester cocktail! Inspired by my time in #seasia Mekhong | sugarcane simple syrup | molasses bitters #inspired #chefslife #homebarlife #wishbonekitchen #pdxdrinks #chefsdrink #mekhong (at Portland, Oregon) https://www.instagram.com/p/Bst5pIuB6Hq/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1ts2ms2ww270f

[respectthepetty]

I decided the best way to make it through Our Skyy 2 with minimal damage is to drink my way through it, so welcome to

CockTails in the Skyy! (there's no pun; stop laughing)

First up is Rum-Antics (Romantics + Rum & Antics) with Never Let Me Go

I have to make the drink first. *pause*

spiced rum (since I can't get Mekhong)

smashed blueberries (for that purple color that Nueng and Palm always had during their lovey-dovey scenes)

ginger ale (because I think Nueng was studying abroad in England, but if not . . . it is what it is)

brown sugar and lime juice on the rim (for class differences)

It's not even close to the purple I was going for, but it reminds me of the beach they went to and the filter that was used for it!

Okay! I got my drink. I'm in my rocking chair. I'm ready!

I'm already disgusted, and I don't know if it's because I put three shots of rum or because Palm is so in love with Nueng.

It's Palm. I can hold my liquor. He is disgusting. But this brown sugar and lime rim SMACKS!

The product placement and Nueng's attitude will be consistent I see.

TAM! Why did nobody mention her?!

The dad is alive? I don't know why I thought he was not alive.

I made this drink too strong. I don't know what is happening!

Oh, now I see why people are upset about the Master's. Palm had plans. Oh shit.

WHY ARE THEY GOING WITH THIS MAN?! (for plot reason, I know I know)

I like that Nueng in the series was like, "put the bad fortunes back" and Palm is now all, "don't listen to this rando" because that's *growth*

It's only been sixteen minutes?! I finished the drink already, so switching to sangria.

Palm is laying it on thick with the "we will be together." Read the room, sir. Your man is not on board.

IS THAT INTHA?! WITH A MACHETE?! He really got worse since high school!

They are hiding from him all over again with the finger on the lip just like the high school hall way.

HAHAHAHA! Why am I laughing that Intha just busted up their lovers' hug?

Phum/Petch is CRAWLING!

He pulled a Keke Palmer and really told Palm, "I don't know that man. Sorry to that man" about Nueng.

I knew who it would be, yet that reveal was FIRE! Why is my mouth open? *picks jaw up off the floor*

Them sitting by water reminds me that I need to drink water. I'm drinking too fast.

Nueng needs to get slapped for playing jokes in the Time of Cholera.

Nueng is making that Game of Thrones smile with this meal conversation.

Palm having his Devil Wears Prada moment and dismissing Petch is the petty behavior I love!

Perhaps Phum is an asshole to Palm in the present because Palm was an asshole to him in the past.

Nueng/Phuwin is a pretty boy. No further comment.

I hope Phuwin gets paid for his skills. Run him his money.

Kla really said, "we don't want to welcome the colonizers" by learning their language; they need to learn OUR language being on OUR land.

Oh, the Marc/Pawin feels are strong two drinks in.

Obviously, they have had to graduate from high school, but Palm confirming they did is wild to me since they were on the beach falling in love for most of that last year.

This is why I can't do historical dramas. There is no good time for me or my people to go back to. If the present still ain't it, why would I want to travel to an even worse time?

Oh shit! My ass just sobered up during this argument. Palm is spitting straight facts!

I'M FULLY SOBER NOW! A whipping?!

Nah, Petch deserves the energy Palm is giving him in this lifetime.

I might not actually be sober because that ending was rocky.

ANOTHER RUM-ANTIC for episode 2

Now Nueng is a teacher. Is he being paid for this service?!

It's Palm's birthday, yet he said being with Nueng is enough. Definitely not a fire sign, for sure.

Why does Pawin play shady so damn well?!

I already knew he wanted to flirt, but hearing it in the same sentence as "lashed, punished, and accused of doing an immoral act" just ruins the vibe a bit.

They really have time to write their feelings and bury them. This is why Palm is sleeping past noon.

Palm - My guy is out of my league. Nueng - My guy is stupid.

Fly, baby gay. FLY!

I should know how to count in Thai by now, at least to five.

I HATE GROUPS SINGING "HAPPY BIRTHDAY"!

And now Nueng is rattling off a poem. I cannot. I'm not drunk enough for this.

Sike! *record scratch* Y'all, I was expecting that hug to work too.

But at least we get more of this!

I don't like this plan. This is not a good plan.

Palm's walk is too much right here with this background music.

I'm thrilled my man is staying booked and busy after Ai Long Nhai.

That was a sick burn - "Even when you're reborn, you'll still be an asshole"

So they needed to experience a historical hate crime to get back? Cool beans.

I let the blueberries sit in the brown sugar and poured the juice in with the liquor. It is hitting right now in the best way as I entered the final quarter.

Phum asking if they remember him, their bully, is peak bully audacity.

A Zoomer buying a house? Definitely fictional.

Past era Palm and Nueng beating the "they were best friends and brothers" allegations! (unlike some other past "brothers" *cough* Dome x Khatha)

I know this is Pond and Phuwin's vehicle but Marc and Pawin are the drivers now!

I would like to link to the countless posts I wrote about Palm always choosing kindness and these two making the other stronger even through they are opposites, but that rum is hitting and I'm having to squint to focus.

Nah! I'm trying to get a visa for New Zealand right now for the World Cup, and it's a process. How did Palm get a whole ass passport and a ticket in a week?! Most unrealistic thing that happened in this show about two lovers being sent to the past.

These two talking about wanting to go back into the past to be enemies like they wouldn't rather stab themselves than give the other a paper cut. Pu-lease

OH SHIT! It's the singing I was warned about!

I know it's the theme song, but MUTE!

I don't know what happened at that end because I blacked out from the singing, but I know it was good.

Congratulations, Palm and Nueng on whatever happened!

Now that I am properly tipsy, I'm going to rate the Rum-Antics. The first was a 7/10 CockTails for too much rum and no Chopper, but the second was a hard 8/10 CockTails for its blueberry and brown sugar sweetness with MarcPawin, so I'm going to split the difference.

7.5/10 CockTails for my first OUTting.

Let's see how Pawin steals the show next week with Star in My Mind.

JOONGDUNK SUPREMACY!!!!!!

[yasmijn]

Year end post: 2019

2019 has been a great year and this is not an overstatement. It is particularly special because it is my first full year living on my own, far away from home, being a graduate student in the Netherlands, made lots of new friends and connections that I actually want to take back home. They are not only my friends during the definite 2 year duration of our master’s programs, but also good friends that shares personal thoughts, experiences, and doubts about the future. Isn’t that what we do best and fear the most? Facing uncertainties and trying our best to overcome our fears and find where we fit right?

I remember listing down important things that happened in 2018 (TU Delft scholarship announcement was the highlight of the year - an end to my 2 years of waiting and a beginning of something new!). 2019 is different from the preceding two years as this is the year when I start living the live that I wanted, so it felt more laid-back and full of contentment. I decided not to put so much pressure on myself and to try enjoy every bit of time. Well, a lot, and simultaneously, not so much, has happened this year but I will try to list down the things that I remember the most. Not in particular order. 

(P.s. This is a very long post)

(Pictures will be added soon)

1. The friends

I found such great friends. I know I have written this down so many times but it is my highlight of the year. I am one of those people who thought ‘What’s the point of studying abroad if you only hang out with fellow Indonesians?’ and here I am, spending most of my non-curricular time with every Indonesian I could find. Being with people from the same country create a sense of comfort. Of not having to translate every single word, and not to explain the backstory because you share the same roots. To share what we miss the most (food!), and to help each other figure out how to navigate our lives here, and what we’ll do afterwards. And most importantly, to create connections that I can actually bring back home. 

I don’t drink alcohol, and I am not comfortable being in a place where everybody drinks although yes, I can just have coke or other soft drinks because that’s usually the case. Don’t get me wrong. I still have international friends, from all the group projects and class interaction. And there’s this particular person who has turned out to become such a great friend. We invite each other over to eat lunch/dinner together (it’s usually me coming over to his place and eat his cookings so that’s super nice), talk about his country and my country and watch Kurzgezagt videos and talk about philosophy and psychology and share our thoughts on life. It is such an unlikely friendship but I am so grateful for it.  

I am reluctant to invest so much time into relationships that might not yield return, and those that require so much resource to maintain. But I’m keeping everybody I found here. 

2. All the cookings and the foods

Eating out is incredibly expensive compare to cooking at home, although I can’t say that I’m the most financially conscious person. To think back, I actually do eat out, a lot. The most natural topic of conversation between us people is actually food recommendations. Fat Kee’s chicken salt pepper and inktvis salt pepper. Five Guys’ milkshake. Sisi’s bubble tea. Hinoki Noodle Soup’s ramen. Pokelabs’ poke bowl. Kek’s salted caramel latte. Mekhong’s tom yam. The Martabak House’s red velvet martabak. Seleraku’s mie ayam. Taste the Best’s whole chicken. Food Station’s kip kapsalon. 

When we gather up, we cook. My Estonian friend once commented that us Indonesians eat a lot of good food, and I actually thought of it. Later on when I met him again, I told him that we eat because we don’t drink, which I think is a pretty accurate remark. We made lots of sushi, martabak, wedang ronde, did korean BBQ, eat pizza takeouts by the lake, made lebaran cookies. Reasons to come to the muslim community events? The food. Reasons to keep up with super kind ibu-ibu who is also a great cook? The iftar package she gives. Reasons to meet? To eat!

3. The conversations

I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life after graduation. I think of my life in 2 years time span. In 2016 I thought about what I’m going to do until 2018 (get a scholarship), and in 2018 I thought about what I’m going to do until 2020 (finish grad school and enjoy life here). So I actually still have approximately 8 months to figure things out. I have told several people about my insecurity. About my feeling not good enough to even apply for internship and graduate projects. I think it has something to do with my trajectory change, from a branch of engineering to full-on management. I feel like I can’t quantify my qualifications and it makes me insecure. 

Usually after we finished eating, or when everybody’s tired from studying or working in someone’s home or in a booked room in the library, we’d usually start talking. About life in general. About life in particular. About the life we had in Indonesia, and the decision points that lead us to this place, at the same time. It was repeatedly mentioned, how we’re lucky to be enrolled in the same batch, to find people that are alike and are so kind. Just a bunch of responsible, good kids. There are stints of idealism, about what we want to do with our degrees. To find ways to improve Indonesia but in a realistic way. And also being the pragmatic people who want to experience the lives abroad fully, by finding jobs and creating networks here (most of us have no obligation to come back straight away so that’s our privilege). 

4. Good grades

I like studying. And I like good grades. I don’t have a particular academic target, I won’t qualify for cum laude, and I have let go of my honours ambition. But I did have a little ambition to at least get one 9. I got one for my High-Tech Marketing course (9.5 for the report, and 8.8 for the exam), one for Emerging Breakthrough Technology (I didn’t expect it at all), and the best one was getting a 9 for my decision-making paper on NCICD. I poured so much effort and did so much reading, and after an awful peer feedback, we were able to revise the article and become one of the 2 groups with the highest grade in class. 

The entirety of the MoT program, to be honest, lacks technical skills. And I did not help myself by taking classes on things that I have already learned. But to be honest, I’m not really interested in the courses that are available, anyway. For now, I just want to give my best to work on my thesis.    

5. Lots of Webtoons

I don’t really remember when I started to binge-read so many series of Webtoons. I have spent so many coins on Mamamaaf and The Secret of Angel. By the way, I realized that the coins in English is so expensive compared to the coins in Bahasa Indonesia. In English, the price of 10 coins is US$ 0.99 and in Bahasa Indonesia it’s €1.09 for 100 coins. Meanwhile, the price for one chapter in English is 5 coin and in Bahasa Indonesia it’s between 5-12 coins. I think this signifies the difference in the purchasing power of Indonesians and non-Indonesians?

6. Eurotrips

I went to a lot of countries. I said yes to every invitation to go somewhere. Anywhere. On February I went with Rida and Grace to Italy (Rome) and Greece (Rome and Santorini). We ate real pasta and had the tastiest tiramisu. Santorini was incredibly beautiful and thanks to the low season, we could take pictures without other tourists swarming in the background. During Easter Break I went with Ginta and Widya to Switzerland (Zurich, Luzern, Engelberg - Mt. Titlis), Hungary (Budapest), and Austria (Vienna). It was a trip that utilized Flixbus and man, 17 hours on the same bus really makes you question the decisions you have made in life. 

On April I went to Prague with Enreina and Ammar for a weekend trip, with the main objective of watching Joe Hisaishi’s concert. The trdelnik and goulash and roasted duck and random pho we had were all so nice. In the summer I went on a roadtrip with Radit and Andrew to the southern of France which was mesmerizing. It was a very ambitious trip that covers Belgium (Brugge) and small cities and villages in France (Lille, Amiens, Paris, Luz St. Saveur, Lourdes, Gavarnie, La Roque Gageac). A pretty random assembly but I had such a great time. Then my family came here for an 11-day trip and again we went to Paris (third time already), Colmar (a pretty, smaller version of Strasbourg), Köln, Brussels (up to this point in life I have been in Brussels for 3 times already), Brugge, quick stopover in Gent, then Rotterdam, and Amsterdam. My last trip in summer was a random getaway to Budapest and Vienna (again) with Wida. It was better because we were more laid back and we get to see a lot of different places and climbed up to the hills!

There are other places I still want to see. But I’ll just keep them as bucket list to visit with a significant other. 

7. Dutch course

I finally gave in and signed up for a Dutch course offered by the Gemeente of Delft (pronunciation: khe-meyn-tē). It is so much fun! I have forgotten how exciting it is to learn new languages. I have two classes per week, 2 hours per meeting. We used a book and the teacher really taught us through the content material. It’s different compared to the course offered in TU where people have to study most on their own. A different approach.

Dutch language has a weird sentence structure and I’m still trying to wrap my head around it. And suddenly there’s regelmatig and onregelmatige werkwoorden (regular and irregular verbs), perfectum and imperfectum (basically V2 and V3) that we have to memorize (e.g. komen - kwam, kwamen - gekomen). When we reach Chapter 9 it was suddenly super hard. Weird. But challenging. 

8. Indelftnesia 2019

I spent a lot of time working on the scripts and other trivial things. But it was so fine. Rewarding. The play was amazingly good, with gamelan playing live on stage. It taught me to value my roots a lot more. 

9. Financial crisis and getting out of it

There was a point in time, somewhere in the summer, when I only have 30 euros in my bank account. I had to exchange the US dollars given by my grandmother then put it into my bank account using ATM. Since the university is on a holiday for the entire two months of summer break, we don’t receive our scholarship money until September. My financial management was shitty. I didn’t think at all to say yes to all the trips, to splurge on discounted stuff. To impulsively bought a tab (Which is so so useful! No regrets). There were also unexpected expenses such as the extra amount to be paid for electricity bills, and municipality taxes. Ugh. 

But I managed to find four jobs. One super weird one that involves my teaching algebra and science to the kids of a random Middle Eastern lady that I met at the parking lot of EWI (only €6/hour which can be categorized as slavery). One from being an internal affairs coordinator of the TU Delft Student Ambassadors group (a lot of hours in the beginning then pretty much none). One from being a teaching assistant for an online course on Cybersecurity. It was so much fun, and interesting, and it consumes so many hours. I also had to switch my student insurance into a Dutch basic health insurance. But I got a toeslag (allowance) so it became so much cheaper. The last one was being a part of the board of studies in my faculty. I somehow also qualify for additional funding on top of my fixed allowance. It’s such a great surprise.

I am getting better in managing my finances (no random trips, no shopping urges), and I’m confident that I can finish my degree with some money left in my savings account.  

10. Concerts!

One of my favorite one is Joe Hisaishi’s concert that I watched earlier this year with Enreina and Ammar. I watched Ghibli movies when I was still in elementary school, so this concert is particularly special. Went to watch John Mayer with friends, bought heavily marked-up tickets and to be honest it was not that great. The songs were not really the songs I liked plus the crowd was weird. People going in and out throughout the concert to buy beer and fries. Can’t you guys sit down and enjoy? The last concert I watch is The World of Hans Zimmer. It was so good!

11. Thesis defenses

My favorite part of a person’s thesis defense is when the first supervisor gives some sort of short speech that will eventually lead to the grade of the thesis. It is heartwarming. They listed down all the positive traits of the student, the hard work and hardships and how they appreciate all the process. 

12. Stuff on feelings

I’d say that this year ends with something super nice and rather unexpected. 

-

Here’s to a better year ahead!

[p3nnie]

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[hadeschan]

item # K18E53

RARE Pra Bodhi-jak Luang Phor Lee, Wat Asokaram, Nua Din. A baked clay Buddha amulet with figure of Buddha in Meditating Gesture seating in the middle of a Bodhi Tree leaf. At both sides of Buddha are with Na Ma Pa Ta Cabalistic Writings or Pra Khata Hua-jai That Tang Si, the heart of 4 elements which are Water with power of Magic charm and Metta Maha Niyom (making people around you love you, be nice to you, and willing to support you for anything), Fire with power of Kongkraphan Chatrie (making you invulnerable to all weapon attack, and creating miracle, Earth with power of Ponggan Poot-pee pee-saat Kunsai Mondam Sa-niat jan-rai Sat Meepit ( helping ward off evil spirit, demon, bad ghost, bad omen, bad spell, curse, accursedness, black magic, misfortune, doom, and poisonous animals), Wind with power of protective shield, invisibility in the eyes of the enemies, and hypnosis. Made by Luang Phor Lee of Wat Asokaram, Samut Prakan Province in BE 2500 (CE 1957) as gift given to Looksit (disciples / followers /adherents/ worshippers / devotees who visited Luang Phor Lee at Wat Asokaram.

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*An amulet in a shape of a Bodhi Tree leaf has hidden meaning of ‘Peace, Safety & Prosperity under the Shade of Bodhi Tree’.

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BEST FOR: Peace, Safety & Prosperity under the Shade of Bodhi Tree. It dispels bad vibes, and it has a tendency to draw positive energy. Klawklad Plodpai (it pushes you away from all danger). Nang Nieow, a rock-hard skin that is completely impervious to damage with bludgeoning or piercing weapons. Kongkraphan (it makes you invulnerable to all weapon attack). Maha-ut (it helps stop gun from shooting at you). Wealth Fetching, Maha Larp (it brings lucky wealth), Mahasanay (Magic Charm) it helps turn you to prince charming in the eyes of girls. Metta Maha Niyom (it makes people around you love you, be nice to you, and willing to support you for anything), Kaa Kaai Dee (it helps tempt your customers to buy whatever you are selling, and it helps attract new customers and then keep them coming back, and warning of danger. Ponggan Poot-pee pee-saat Kunsai Mondam Sa-niat jan-rai Sat Meepit (it helps ward off evil spirit, demon, bad ghost, bad omen, bad spell, curse, accursedness, black magic, misfortune, doom, and poisonous animals). And this amulet helps protect you from manipulators, backstabbers, and toxic people.

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The amulet made from soil or earth

The soil or earth is the oldest minerals on Earth, it accumulates all power of good deeds of all Arhats (or Luohan), Bodhisattva and Buddha as long as you and your enemies are standing/living on the earth, the Pra Mae Thoranee (the Earth Goddess) will witness good deeds and bad deeds, if you have made good deeds, then your good deeds have already witnessed by Pra Mae Thoranee, Pra Mae Thoranee will help you, and your enemies could not do any harm to you. And the difficulties of your life, Pra Mae Thoranee also witnesses, and Pra Mae Thoranee will ease all of your difficulties.

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Luang Phor Lee, the founder, and the first abbot of Wat Asokaram, living between BE 2450 to BE 2504

PHRA AJAAN LEE DHAMMADHARO was one of the foremost teachers in the Thai forest ascetic tradition of meditation founded at the turn of the twentieth century by Phra Ajaan Sao Kantasilo and Phra Ajaan Mun Bhuridatto. His life was short but eventful. Known for his skill as a teacher and his mastery of supranatural powers, he was the first to bring the ascetic tradition out of the forests of the Mekhong basin and into the mainstream of Thai society in central Thailand.

The year before his death, he was hospitalized for two months with a heart ailment and so took the opportunity to dictate his autobiography. He chose to aim the story at his followers—people who were already acquainted with him but didn’t know him well enough—and he selected his material with a double purpose, choosing incidents that made both for good stories and for good lessons. Some of the lessons are aimed at monks, other at meditators in general, but by and large they deal with issues he had not been able to include in his written guides to meditation and Buddhist practice in general.

As a result, the book contains very little on the substantive events in his own meditation. If you have come to this book in hopes of gauging the level of Ajaan Lee’s meditative attainments, you have come to the wrong place, for on this topic his lips are sealed. Most of what he wanted to say on the subject he had already included in his other books. As for his own personal attainments, he never mentioned them even to his closest students.

What he talks about here are the events that surrounded his life as a meditator, and how he dealt with them: the challenges, the strange characters, and the unusual incidents he encountered both in the forest and in the centers of human society. He presents the life of meditation as one of adventure—where truth is a quality of heart, rather than of ideas, and the development of the mind is a matter of life and death—and it is in this that a large part of the book’s educational and entertainment value lies.

Ajaan Lee’s method of drawing lessons from his experiences is typical of Thai meditations teachers—i.e., he rarely draws them explicitly. One notable exception is the fine passage toward the end where he discusses the benefits of living a wanderer’s life in the forest, but otherwise he leaves it up to his readers to draw their own lessons from the incidents he relates. Rather than handing you lessons on a platter, he wants you to be earnest enough in your desire to learn to search for and find useful lessons no matter where you look. When you get used to being taught in this way, the pay-off is that you can learn from everything. As Ajaan Lee says himself, there are lessons to be learned from animals, trees, and even vines.

Some readers will be taken aback by the amount of space Ajaan Lee gives to signs, portents, and other supranatural events. Things of this sort tend to be downplayed in the laundered versions of Theravada Buddhism usually presented in the West—in which the Buddha often comes off as a Bertrand Russell or Fritz Perls in robes—and admittedly they are not the essence of what the Buddha had to teach. Still, they are an area that many people encounter when they explore the mind and where they often go astray for lack of reliable guidance. Ajaan Lee had a great deal of experience in this area and many useful lessons to teach. He shows by example which sorts of experiences to treat simply as curiosities, which to take seriously, and how to test the experiences that seem to have important messages.

In my many conversations with his students, I have learned that Ajaan Lee limited his narrative to only the milder events of this sort. He often deals so much in understatement that it is possible to read through some of the incidents and not realize that anything out of the ordinary is happening. When the book was first printed after his death, many of his followers were disappointed in it for just this reason, and a number of them got together to write an expanded version of Ajaan Lee’s life that included many of the more amazing events they had experienced in his presence. Fortunately—from Ajaan Lee’s perspective at least—this manuscript soon disappeared.

To be frank, what first drew me to Ajaan Lee, aside from the clarity and subtlety of his teachings, were the tales I had heard of his powers and personality. My teacher, Ajaan Fuang Jotiko, was a close disciple of his, and much of my early education as a monk consisted of listening to his stories of his adventures with Ajaan Lee. For me, if the autobiography had lacked the drama of the event in Wat Supat or the panache of his encounter with Mae Fyyn (having her light him a cigarette as one of her first acts after he had cured her paralysis), it wouldn’t have been Ajaan Lee.

However, I should say something here about the miracles surrounding relics that play a large role in the latter part of the book. There is an old tradition in Buddhism that many of the bodily relics of the Buddha and his arahant disciples transformed into small pellet-like objects that come and go of their own accord. The Theravadan version of this tradition dates at least to medieval Sri Lanka and may go further back than that. There are old books that classify the various types of relics by shape and color, identifying which ones come from which parts of the Buddha’s body and which ones from which disciple. The tradition is still very much alive in Thailand, especially now that the bones of many of the dead masters of the forest ascetic tradition have turned into relics. As for relics of the Buddha, I have talked to many people who have seen them come and go, and I have had such experiences myself, although nothing as dramatic as Ajaan Lee’s.

I mention all this, not to make a case for the existence and provenance of the relics, but simply to point out that Ajaan Lee was not alone in having such experiences, and that the rational approach of Theravada Buddhism has its uncanny side as well.

At any rate, my feeling is that Ajaan Lee mentioned the issue of the relics for two reasons: 1) He was compelled to because it was part of the controversy that surrounded his name during his lifetime, and his students would have felt that something was seriously amiss if he didn’t provide some explanation of the topic. The incident at Wat Supat was not the only time that relics appeared while he was teaching meditation to groups of people, and in fact he once mentioned to Ajaan Fuang that the frequency with which this happened often irked him: Just as his students would be settling their minds in concentration, these things would appear and that would be the end of the meditation session.

2) As Ajaan Lee mentions in the autobiography, he felt that he had a karmic debt requiring him to build a chedi to enshrine relics of the Buddha and he needed to convince his supporters of the importance of the project.

So keep these points in mind as you read the relevant passages and be open to the possibility that throughout the book there are issues between Ajaan Lee and his audience that flow under the surface of the narrative and that you can only guess at.

Also bear in mind that the book was left unfinished. Ajaan Lee had planned to tack on a series of addenda dealing with events scattered in time and place throughout the body of the narrative, showing their connections and providing more details, but he left only a sketch of the first addendum, a piece explaining why he chose to name his monastery Wat Asokaram. The sketch is so disjointed and purposefully cryptic, though, that I have chosen to leave it out of this edition.

You will find, as you read through the book, occasional details of Thai culture and the rules of the Buddhist monkhood that might be unfamiliar to you. I have tried to anticipate these points, marking them with asterisks in the text and explaining them in the endnotes at the back of the book. Forgive me if I have missed anything you find puzzling. The endnotes are followed by a glossary of Pali and Thai terms I had to carry over into the translation. You might find it useful to read through Part I of the glossary—to get some sense of what is conveyed by a person’s name in Thai society—before jumping into the book itself.

Ajaan Lee as a speaker was always very conscious of his audience, and I suspect that his autobiography would have been a very different book if he had written it with a non-Thai audience in mind. My translating the book as it stands has been an act of trust: trust that the value of Ajaan Lee’s message is universal, and trust that there are readers willing to take the empathetic journey into another culture and mind set—to see what the possibilities of the human condition look like when viewed from a distant point in space and time, and to bring some of that new perspective back with them on their return.

Thanissaro Bhikkhu

(Geoffrey DeGraff)

PLEASE READ MORE AT: h t t p s ://w w w.dhammatalks.org/books/AutobioAjaanLee/Section0001.html

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*with Certificate of Authenticity issued by DD-PRA

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DIMENSION: 3.60 cm high / 2.70 cm wide / 0.60 cm thick

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item # K18E53

Price: price upon request, pls PM and/or email us hadesamulet@protonmail.com

100% GENUINE WITH 365 DAYS FULL REFUND WARRANTY

Item location: Hong Kong, SAR

Ships to: Worldwide

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[findingmewhereeverimaybe]

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