#meds/musiic

[rangers-are-cool-moved]

HC | Change

[strawberryspeachy]

Guess what. Getting rejections left and right. Spent 250 bucks on moving. To an apartment early. That has a train OUTSIDE MY WINDOW. i didnt notice it when i came t check it out cause im a fucking dumb ass

But something else i didnt notice at no fault of my own. Cause i asked about noise. That theres a bar or something next door that has loud musiic ALL NIGHT LONG and the cleaning lady - i pay for that shit - the cleaning lady SLAMS AND BANGS AND PULLS AND SMASHESSSS the fucking vacuum for over an hour in the morning. And when those arent loud. I still hear someone snoring. So i moved early and paid ANOTHER 350 for nothing.

I should have thrown away my futon and shipped my kotatsu back home

Im fucking stupid

I thought i was gonna get the job i really really liked. And the other job sounded like i was gonna grt it. I was stressing cause ya know... everything. But i got rejected by both

And idk wtf to do

I need help so bad and i have nowhere to turn

Im so used to being overstressed that i just feel it really hard. I feel like ill pass out but everything else in my life has prepared me for more and more stress. Except my hair. Its falling out alot again. And i cant afford to go take care of it.

Yeah i could go back to my moms house. And im a whiny bitch having a place to go back home. But i litetally RAN AWAY BECAUSE IT WAS AWFUL so i can go back to

My psychotic mother taking out all of her moods on me and demanding i treat her like a child. She knows nothing about the world snd keeps alternating between being super racist about the whole country of japan and telling me how to find a job here without knowing what shes talking about and calling me stupid for not listening to her WHEN WHAT SHES SAYING ISNT POSSIBLE AND IVE ALREADY LOOKED INTO THOSE

and watching my mom deteriorate and being woken up and bothered at all hours of the day to come watch her pace in circles or clean up after her

Andddddd listening to my grandfather constantly bitch and complain to me about stuff that he could fix if hed actually do something himself for once. And tell me about his redneck outlook on the world and start arguments i dont wanna be part of and cant disagree with in the first plafe

And my only option of jobs being a cashier or customer service representative and watching my measily minimum wage be taken by my student loans

My pets are dead or gone

My house destroyed and literally someone tried to light it on fire

My feilds that made me feel better my whole life... constructed over

My best friend who was 5 minutes away, a half an hour instead

Still dont see friends there

Everythings awful there

Its awful here

The second i decided to spend my money and enjoy having income and approciate my stupid little country town. I get fired. This is why i cant ever like ANYTHING.

I just wanna eat food. Right now i just wanna eat food. And i cant. Im gonna end up back in us hell with 0 dollars

If only I didnt get comfortable here and spend all my money on getting settled here. I could have spent all my money on a nose surgery snd then used the pain meds TO FUCKING KILL MYSELF