#me on good days: I am stable and healthy for years!!

[six-demon-bag]

[asmafamily]

Hello👋

Help Asma and her family in Gaza survive

Welcome, My name is Asma Salman Abu Daf from Gaza, trapped between walls of fear, despair and extreme sadness in the shadow of the ongoing war in the Gaza Strip, I appeal to every conscientious person, compassionate heart and human being who understands the meaning of humanity to help us.

Help me overcome adversity

I am reaching out to you today as a steadfast and compassionate person facing incredible challenges, life in our region has become increasingly difficult due to the ongoing and increasing conflict day by day, and I am struggling to secure the basic necessities for our family.

Who is Asmaa and her family?

I am married to Ashraf Abu Daf, 46 years old. I am 39 years old and suffer from chronic diseases, which are Mediterranean fever and Crohn's disease. I take expensive medications and treatments for life. I have 7 children. Jana, 13 years old, suffers from chronic diseases, thalassemia, which results in short stature. She needs treatment for many years to take expensive medications. Rafeeq, 18 years old. Nour, 16 years old. Abdul Rahman, 13 years old. Muhammad, 12 years old. Ibrahim, 5 years old. Misk, 3 years old.

How has the war made our lives like hell?

We all feel fear, extreme sadness and insecurity due to the severity of the bombing and destruction we have been exposed to since the beginning of the war on Gaza until now. My young children do not sleep normally due to the severity of the fear and nightmares. My family and I live in our house that has been exposed to shells and bombing. I fled with my family several times due to repeated threats and requests to move from one place to another. My husband's income is limited and does not cover the required living expenses.

Due to the lack of good food, healthy water and the necessary medicine for our treatment, our situation has gone from bad to worse. Our lives have become threatened either by death due to bombing, shrapnel and missiles or by malnutrition, the spread of epidemics and diseases, psychological insecurity, widespread unemployment, and the lack of fuel, cooking gas and electricity.

Despite the harsh conditions and constant doubts surrounding us, I am optimistic and determined to provide a better future for my husband and children. My spirit is unbreakable, but I need help from people with a living conscience and compassionate and humane hearts to overcome the obstacles we face.

How can you help me?

My family and I aspire to build a better future for our children and ensure their safety and that we all live a decent life, and that they feel safe and stable and live in peace and reassurance. Help us achieve this dream through your generous donation, which will certainly have a great impact in saving us.

The funds collected will be used to:

• Restore the destroyed house and purchase furniture and appliances required for daily life requirements

• Food, water and medicine, and ensure that we have access to daily necessities, medical supplies and health care.

• Education, supporting my children's education by covering fees, school supplies and providing the necessary needs.

Every contribution matters.

No donation is too small, every donation brings us one step closer to relief and a better future, even if you are not able to contribute financially, sharing this campaign with your generous network can make a big difference

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Asmaa Abu Daf

[ferrstappen]

surprise! we are a family l dad!Lando Norris x reader

a/n:thank you so so much to the anon who requested this because... I'm never leaving this idea.

pairing: Lando Norris x female!reader

genre: fluff <3

summary: this wasn't planned. you are basically children yourselves and why isn't getting pregnant at 24 not considered teen pregnancy? Now Lando is waiting to meet his baby and hoping he doesn't mess up.

Lando never thought he'd find himself holding your hand in the middle of the night, fighting the nerves and anxiety of your baby coming too son, three weeks earlier than expected.

He wondered if this was his first taste of fatherhood... His leg bouncing up and down while checking the small screen monitoring the baby's heartbeat; he didn't understand a single thing, but it looked stable and it sounded healthy for his ears. Still, his stomach felt like an endless pit of worries while thinking the baby wasn't supposed to arrive now, it was supposed to be delivered via c-section in three more weeks, just like both you and him had planned.

He also couldn't stop thinking about the long road to this moment.

After finishing university, Lando asked you to travel with him for the remaining of the season which hadn't even reached the 9th date, but you agreed and traveled with your boyfriend with no worries, no homework, no lectures, just you and him, trying to be his emotional support after every race, the pair of familiar eyes during every press conference, the warm embrace after every interview.

You were always so focused on him and his well being that it took Lando more than a good couple of seconds to realize you were throwing up in the bathroom of your shared hotel room, door closed but not locked, so he waited until he heard the water running and the sound of you brushing your teeth.

He asked you what happened, you answered your stomach had been feeling funny for the last couple of days, but today you just couldn't take it. Lando insisted the cause was the seafood you had eaten yesterday at the restaurant.

He didn't even let you kiss him until you brushed your teeth, not wanting to go anywhere near the taste.

The other scenario never crossed his mind; you were always careful, rarely not using a condom even if you were on a contraceptive. You never had a pregnancy scare or anything, always secure on the fact you and Lando were safe.

Anyway, some call it a miracle, others a mistake, whatever you choose, but when your mother suggested you take a pregnancy test just in case since your stomach wasn't the same, your head was everywhere and felt a bit weak during the day, you couldn't rule it out.

It was Interlagos, rainy and humid São Paulo, Lando had left very early for training and you managed to get to a pharmacy and get a test.

You wanted to think it was impossible, but you were too aware of the friend of a friend getting pregnant while on the pill, a friend of you cousin getting pregnant with the implant, a classmate still didn't know how it happened, but now the baby was two years old.

About an hour later, Lando walked into the hotel room, ready to take a shower and sleep, preparing for a busy Friday, but instead he found you sitting with your legs crossed on the bed, not noticing his entrance.

Lando didn't even say hello when he noticed the white stick and a white plastic.

"Please don't tell me you got Covid," That was the only thing on his mind, already too familiar with that test, but this time you stared up at him, trying to find the words.

I am pregnant. What the fuck are we going to do, Lando?

He asked if you were sure, if you were feeling okay, how was it possible, what were you supposed to do now, would your families kill you, would your dad ever speak to him again, should you have the baby or would it be irresponsible.

All those moments were behind as he stared at your scrunched face, teary eyes and messy hair as a contraction hit, but he wasn't able to find the words to help you, he just held your hand and kissed your forehead when you allowed him.

It went on during the entire night. Contractions getting stronger, pain getting sharper, his desperation more palpable whenever someone came in to check you and said there was no progress, you should keep waiting, first babies do this all the time and shit.

He doesn't know when it happened, but the doctor said they'd be taking you to the delivery room or something like that, the baby's heartbeat was decreasing and no signals of dilation or something else Lando didn't understand, but he was worried.

The fact the baby wasn't even born and he was already worrying, about you and the strong pains, the contortion on your face even as you were wheeled inside the sterile room and forced him to separate; worrying about his baby, the one neither you nor him wanted to know the sex and allowing your friends to bet hefty sums on it, maybe the baby didn't want to be out, maybe they were feeling everything going on... was that even possible?

The most extreme scenarios were playing on Lando's head right now.

He wasn't familiar and didn't enjoy this feeling, this helplessness, this preoccupation. Lando drove at high speeds for a living and understood the risks, but this was different, it wasn't his usual terrain and didn't like it.

The only thing he could do was text his mum, informing the things they were doing to you, what they said about the baby, and she reassured him, told him his dad had already spoken to the hospital director so every single person knew he wasn't just a racer, this baby was an heir, very beloved and very awaited.

His thoughts didn't make sense by the time a nurse checked if he had put on the sterile equipment correctly before letting him inside the operation room, where you already were laying with your arms spread, swollen belly visible and surrounded by people, a sterile screen impeding your sight.

this was the last time he was going to see the belly, the one he spent nights talking to, putting his ear to try and hear something, placing his hand to feel every move.

He caressed your hair the entire time, it felt like ages but it was maybe twenty or thirty or forty minutes? when he heard the loudest cry he had ever heard, followed by cheers of the medical personnel and someone asking him to cut the umbilical cord.

What?

But he did everything they asked after making sure you were okay, kissing your lips and clearing the tears from your cheeks, praising your strength, how he loved you even more than he did a couple of hours ago, how he was in awe of you.

"It" turned out to be a "she", not very much hair on her head as they handed her already dressed in the pastel yellow newborn onesie that was a bit big on her.

He couldn't stop staring at her, but still somewhat afraid to hold her for any reason besides handing her to you for feeding. She looked so comfy on the crib, so warm and so safe, he didn't want to break that.

But now you were finally catching some sleep after the surgery, and she looked like she wanted out of the plastic as her tiny fists moved around.

Lando didn't think twice, he instantly knew his daughter wanted to be held. Held by him, her dad.

"Come on, my sweet baby girl," Lando muttered as he accommodated her head on his arm, carefully walking towards the big rocking chair in the room, prepared for this situation.

He let his eyes see her, really contemplate his daughter, a creation by him and the love of his life.

Her tongue poked out, eyelashes carefully caressed her skin, her heart beating along with his.

He silently laughed in disbelief, this was his daughter. The smile on his face was too big, his cheeks were hurting as he carefully stretched his arm to take a picture of her, followed by a selfie of him holding her against his hoodie covered chest, wanting to let everyone know his baby girl arrived, healthy and beautiful.

F1 GRID 2023 OFFICIAL WHATSAPP GROUP

Lando Norris: Get your wallets ready...

Lando Norris: This is Amalia, second name to be discussed, Norris. and now I'm a fucking dad so you'll have to respect me.

He didn't expect many responses, knowing there were time differences and events, but instead he received an overwhelming amount of responses.

Pierre Gasly: fuck no Kika told me to bet on girl!!! Congratulations man, she is the most beautiful baby and cannot wait to meet her.

Fernando Alonso: mis felicitaciones a la familia!

Alex Albon: although I'm disappointed it's not a boy, I'm impressed by your work, never thought you'd be able to create such a gorgeous baby

Charles Leclerc: Congratulations to you and y/n, baby Amalia is gorgeous and already helped her uncle Charles bank account!

Lewis Hamilton: Blessings, my man

George Russell: I always knew it was a girl. Carmen and I are delighted, we are sending our best wishes to the new family!

Yuki Tsunoda: i was so sure it was a boy... congrats!

Estaban Ocon: Pay up, everyone!!! What a blessing she's healthy and has the coolest parents!! can't wait to see her in the paddock

Oscar Piastri: the most beautiful member of the McLaren family. big hug and congratulations to y/n and hope she has a good recovery! I guess you deserve a pat in the back too, congrats mate.

Max Verstappen: Looks like she sided with her favorite uncle, I always knew it was going to be Baby Amalia! She is so lucky to have you as parents and I can't wait to meet her.

Max Verstappen: come on sainz, show your face and pay up!!! I'm favorite uncle.

Carlos Sainz Jr: I don't know if I'm disappointed it's not a boy or crying because she looks like her mother and not like you!!

[thejujvtsupost]

Hello, I am a first timer here. I would like to humbly request something. Can I please request for a Platonic Nanami and adopted daughter reader. The reader is not used to a normal environment and they are used to fighting and surviving

Girl Dad Transformation

I’ve been stewing over this so hard bc it’s been giving me the cutest ideas!!!! And ofc Yuuji is so big brother coded here.

Notes: F!reader, brotherly!Yuuji, Nanami and his adopted daughter 🥺. That’s it.

Nanami didn’t think about the long term impact of adopting the orphaned sorcerer. Surely he wouldn’t change that much…

All he knew was there was a 5 year old girl clutching her only toy- a stuffed bear, who could see ‘scary monsters’ and no longer had any family, thanks to the curse that was tormenting humans for fun; he was just a little too late.

The poor thing was terrified. In the blink of an eye his hand was seized by a freezing, much smaller one with a death grip.

Nanami got you looked at by Shoko and you refused to let go of him the entire time. By the looks of it, you were malnourished and you frequently got injured from curses. Your home life was fairly unstable too, financial issues and absent-detached parents. Shoko got a lot more information from you than he ever expected, piecing together some of your history from your seemingly unrelated answers, as children do.

“She’s going to have to stay for observation, probably several weeks until we can get her healthy enough. She’s going to need a special diet too, I haven’t seen a case this bad in a long time and she’s too young for cursed energy.”

His heart was crushed for you, when was the last time you had somewhere stable? “Why are you telling me?”

“You found her, she’s clearly attached to you and you know you can’t turn away now. You look at her like she’s Itadori. It’s just until I can find a place for her at a home or foster.” Shoko never fails with her dead pan demeanor and sass.

She was also right.

He looked back at you, you were passed out in your hospital bed covered by several blankets and hugging your bear. Finally, you were warming up. Finding you a home could take months if you went to a foster or orphanage… “Don’t bother,” he swallowed thickly, “I will adopt her.”

Shoko’s face softened further, “You can’t go back on it, you already earned her trust. If you’re really sure then I think this will be good for both of you.”

He did his best to be at your bedside when he could, and you were quiet but clearly in need of comfort. Your favorite thing to do was have him read to you with cartoons on a low volume in the background. “Nami, book?” Nanami picked up a book off the stack Shoko brought and started reading. No complaints, and after the first few days he didn’t bother hiding his smile anymore.

He spent a fortune on converting his spare bedroom into yours. He didn’t even know what 5 year olds liked, but according to the first years and Shoko, he needed to make sure you had various toys (he bought everything Yuuji pointed out to him- Yuuji definitely went overboard but Nanami didn’t stop him), clothes and of course you’d need signed up for school.

When the adoption was final and he brought you home for the first time, he was thoroughly instructed how to parent by then, he was ready.

You… weren’t. Not yet. You didn’t know that your room was yours. All the toys and clothes, everything was yours. ‘Nami’ kept the ‘scary monsters’ away too…

“Hey it’s okay honey, I know it’s a big change.” He wiped the tears from your chubby cheeks and smiled softly. “You belong here, you’re safe now.”

A grown up was taking care of you, for good this time.

It was a journey every day but worth it as you came out of your shell, and he encouraged you with a gentle hand. Of course there were setbacks too. He wasn’t perfect, he definitely wasn’t good at laundry at first.

He was new to parenting and it was exhaustingly difficult to navigate yet he was completely whipped for you, never turning down a tea party or invitation to watch cartoons together. He became a complete girl dad overnight.

All it took was, “Nami! Play!” And he’d be on the floor in the living room playing with the doll you handed him.

You started eating more, even requesting different meals when he asked what you were in the mood to eat. “Nami, can we have soba?”

Nanami couldn’t say no to you. “Soba sounds great.” He’d have the softest smile on his face too.

You played more often, and eventually made friends! Yuuji claimed the title as your first friend but you were encouraged to make more- he helped you practice asking your classmates about themselves and how to invite them to play with you.

And Nanami… he never forced you to call him dad. He loved you more than he ever thought possible. He was always proud to call you his daughter, bragging about your excellent kindergarten grades and your recent achievement of becoming the line leader at school for the week.

But the first time you did happened a month in, while doing your bedtime routine and picking out a night night story. Instead of ‘Nami’ he was gifted: “Daddy, can you read the star book?” He let out a tear and hugged you tight.

Nanami tucked you in, kissed your forehead and sat on the edge of your bed, “Yeah honey, I’ll read you the star book.”

Thinking about making a request? Check my bio to see if they’re open and stay tuned <3

[sixleggedboar]

Hello everyone, since it's been very quiet on here I wanted to share an update for those who are wondering and the friends and mutuals I've been severly neglecting.

You'll find me oversharing under the cut but tldr, I am still in the middle of recovering from burnout, but it forced me to completely restructure my life to the degree that I am emotionally more stable and therefore feeling better than ever. So for anyone worrying, don't. I still have a long way to go, but I have the privilege of a good and reliable support net that caught me and offers me the resources I need to be able to build the life I need. I want to come back here, share more art in the future, but I will not force it.

And right now it's just not the time.

Thank you to everyone who's still here, thank you for your support!

CW: mental health, depression, suicidal ideation, internalised ableism

I had been suicidal my whole life. Had never known a time where I wasn't. Couldn't understand how people wanted to live, how this wasn't normal. I couldn't see myself in the future no matter how hard I tried. But I kept going because this was my normal, I didn't know anything else, didn't know I needed help and a change that was a lot more fundamental than just talking to a person every week. I had no frame of reference to communicate my struggle that came with every day life because for all I knew this is just how everyone else feels.

This is just life.

And I am just not made for it.

Didn't help that whenever I tried to communicate that to a mental health professional I just got brushed off as dramatic, being told I am fine.

Because in the end it just works. I function.

I was one of the lucky ones who got diagnosed with ADHD as a kid, mum went to a specialist cause she has it herself and wanted to make sure I get tested so I don't have to go through the same struggles that come with staying undiagnosed as she did. Thing is, that diagnosis didn't really change much, I was still too academically gifted and non-obtrusive to be considered for medical treatment (and honestly seeing and hearing about stories were kids have been on the wrong dosage for years because no one knew better makes me think that maybe it was for the better) and my mum tried to teach me the skills to succeed in life despite that diagnosis, but she herself was alone and too deep in her own trauma to be able to provide the support I needed.

This lead to me cracking and dropping out of high school, trying other things, landing back in school, this time college, and cracking again, this time not managing to immediately get up again to keep going with something else.

Nothing seemed to work, so all I could do was to take a break.

A break that showed me for the first time, that no, chronically wanting to die is not normal, that I am capable of enjoying life, that I am capable of wanting to live and my first goal should be to figure out what I can do to crawl my way back into everyday life without losing that feeling, that knowledge. I learned the difference between just a really bad, but perfectly healthy, day and the excrutiating pain day to day living had caused me until that point.

And that break's been going on for over a year now, with me periodically trying to get back into school, trying to figure out what accommodations I need and how I can build a future for myself that is worth living.

I don't know if I'll finish my bachelor's, probably not, but if I drop out I'll need to find a viable alternative first. I don't think I'll ever be able to work full time, doubt I'll ever be able to fully support myself, but I know there is a future out there for me somewhere, one that is worth living to me and that is a hope I never had until recently. That is what I mean when I say I am doing better than ever, despite the fact that my functionality has effectively crumbled to dust and diagnostics say I am still depressed.

I am still struggling with the guilt that comes with relying on others for support, that comes with not being the perfect productive member of society I am expected to be, that comes with not being the perfect friend I want to be. I learned that I actually do want to work, something that if you had asked me a year ago, and if I felt save enough to be honest, I would have said no to. I just need to figure out what that looks like. I learned I can only focus on a handful of things, and that includes basic survival and individual people. I learned what I need to not feel lonely without being overwhelmed by social interactions and have incredible people in my life who make that possible.

I also met my amazing partner who is showing me how stable and unwavering love can be. Who gives me the security I need to say that whatever comes, we'll figure it out.

Oh and yeah, starting medical transition sure as hell helped a lot too.

I am currently trying to find my passions again, learn how to actually love creating art again, to learn how to learn and find enjoyment in just the act of it.

I'm in therapy and am trying out medications in the hopes to find some that work and don't make things worse.

All in all I'm going somewhere. I don't know where it will lead but I know that it will be worth it.

[elfbitches]

hi :) an update and reintroduction to myself, since its been a long time and things are different now

a lot of very big life-changing things have happened to me since i've been away, some very bad, some very good, all very hard stuff to go through. i moved to another country(!), got married to my partner and best friend of 7 years (!!), and im currently in the process of filing for immigration(!!!). ive also been grappling with mental and physical health issues that, for now at least, need to be managed without professional help which makes the challenging things even harder. but im here, im alive. imperfect, with a lot i need to work on, but im still trying and my life is several lightyears away from what it used to be. ive finally landed where im gonna stay, and now i can finally recover with the stable ground ive been without for my entire life.

ive been wanting to find a way to come back to social media after abstaining for over a year now aside from checking in now and then, and i had this sort of self-imposed pressure to make it something Significant with beautiful artwork to announce my return and signify how hard ive been working on recovering mentally emotionally physically and artistically. so i kept delaying it because nothing ive been making seemed amazing or groundbreaking enough to warrant all the fuss, and in the process depriving myself of basic human interaction because i didnt feel good enough about myself to show up empty-handed. however i now realise that that impulse was the same sort of mentality that got me so catastrophically burnt out so many times before, that my creativity and artistic output is a commodity that needs to meet a certain level of quality to justify it's existence to others, and all i could do was pray that people like it enough to keep paying attention to me. im trying to break out of that, and as such i have nothing to give you other than myself. im not a content creator, i am simply a person who creates.

ive done a lot of reflection on what is important to me this past year, and currently im in a state of flux and change and adjustment in all aspects of my life. ive basically restarted my entire artistic journey and im starting over from scratch in order to make my art something I both love to look at and love making, and neither of those things have been true for many years now. the same goes for how I presented myself and interacted with others during my time on social media, and I understand now what it means when people say "you teach people how to treat you"; it took me a long time to realise that I was unhappy with how people treated me, and that was a direct result of me constantly enabling specific behavior simply because it gave me positive attention (even if it was at my expense most of the time, people-pleasing habits die hard). from now on going forward, i want to give myself the respect i deserve, and be better about establishing healthy boundaries without being the isolated recluse ive become in the past year.

so all that said, hi! you can call me abel or blue :) i work as a remote graphic designer/illustrator for a tea shop in seattle, and live in canada with my husband will and our cat mango cheesecake! im a weird gay stoner with AuDHD and my current obsession and all-encompassing special interest is my multimedia art therapy project called ELFWOOD, and im always working on it in some capacity at any given time. im also a nsfw artist that loves drawing queer porn and doing drugs so suggestive stuff and things relating to weed and psychedelics will be a big thing here. i hope to be brave enough to post art and project updates someday soon, but i want to make sure its something i want for myself and not because i want to rely on external validation. thank u for reading and sticking around if u choose to! if not, thats okay and i hope u have a lovely day anyway :)

[hozierandco]

Callum Turner x Reader - The match-maker (Pt. 2)

AN: Second part to a fic I published yesterday in which Callum Turner and Reader meet through Austin Butler, a friend they have in common. Requested.

If you have any requests, feel free to send them to me xx

TW: none. Kinda fluffy, no smut.

If you're interested in pt. 3, lmk. Ok, byeee

Arriving in New York was a surreal experience for Y/N and she was glad to be met by Austin and Kaia. The two of them looked like lovebirds and it would have made Y/N sick with sentimentality if it had been anyone else than them. She was longing for a healthy and stable relationship and was only glad her best friend had found the one.

Y/N knew she had one shot of making things right and that she was not allowed any mistake during the Gala. Not only for her career but also for her friend’s reputation if she failed him. Austin knew that Y/N was capable of great things and only had to trust herself. If anything, the Gala was her baptism by fire and a great way to give his friend the confidence she had lost in herself.

Plus, he knew that she was about to meet Callum and was beyond thrilled to see them together. He was certain it would be a match. 

“Alright, I need to prepare myself for the big day tomorrow”, Y/N declared after having spent most of the day in the city with Austin and Kaia. Together, they had been to the Guggenheim, Central Park and the Brooklyn Museum. It had been an exhausting but satisfying day and Y/N was now more ready than ever to craft her portfolio.

She woke up the next day wishing she could have slept longer but since it was Met Gala day, lots of things were to be done before the evening would arrive. Thank God, Austin had thought everything through to make her the most comfortable possible and had secured a spot for her in the first rows of the red carpet. She could then afford to arrive later at the Metropolitan Museum.

She fixed her many cameras, making sure she had battery and film rolls tidied up nice and clean in her bag when Austin texted her. 

Her phone showed her what the guy she had saved as Orange County Boy in her contacts had to say: 

7:21 am - “Ready 4 tonite?”

Him too had woken up early to get ready.

7:21 am - “Readier than everrrr. What about you two?”

7:24 am - “You bet we r! Kaia and I r having a party afterwards. You should come”

By sending that, Austin prayed everything he could pray on that she would accept as Callum had already let him know that he would join in.

7:32 am - “Yeah, sounds good. If I’m not dead with exhaustion or fangirling by then”

7:34 am - “Haha, even half-dead, you better get there!”

Once she had everything she needed sorted out, Y/N exited her Airbnb on the 11th Street to get some breakfast. In a few hours time, she was going to see all the celebrities she had dreamt of seeing. There would be Anna Wintour of course but she was mostly daydreaming of taking pictures of Jessica Chastain, Blake Lively and Alicia Keys. The fact that she would be first row was a golden opportunity.

By 2 pm, Y/N headed to the Metropolitan Museum and found her spot. She was escorted by people who were talking and acting as though she was the new Annie Leibovitz. Was it her Givenchy dress that she had borrowed from Kaia or her self-assured walk that gave the impression that she was famous? She could not have said but it sure felt good.

And then, in what seemed like the blink of an eye (though that was a couple hours in fact), the first people grazed the carpet. People from Vogue at first, and then a handful of random models before the A-list made their way. 

Y/N noticed Vanessa Hudgens that she had known very well a few years back but had grown distant since. Vanessa reached out for her and greeted her amicably as she recognised her in the cloud of photographers which made a huge impression amongst Y/N’s peers.

When Austin and Kaia entered the scene, Y/N was beyond excited and could not stop taking pictures of them. The night followed that way and soon enough, all of her cameras were full. The batteries could not take any more picture which coincided with the end of the night.

The photographers were asked to leave and Y/N thought of getting a drink somewhere with some other photographers she had met while waiting for Austin and Kaia’s party to begin.

“Girl, you were on fire tonight!”, a 30-ish year-old woman told her as the photographers started debriefing about the evening and voting for the best-dressed celebrity.

“Yeah, who are you even working for?”, another guy around 25 asked.

“Uh, well, no one in fact. I’m trying to make my way up”

“And you got into the Met Gala? Damn, that’s impressive”

Y/N had made her promise to herself never to mention her friendship with Austin as a safety net towards her friend and because she did not wish to be known as the “friend of”. So she decided not to reply. 

It was fun to be surrounded by peers who had so many anecdotes to tell about working in the industry. Y/N surprised herself laughing along with them and she made up her mind that Blake Lively was the best-dressed when she noticed it was 11:18 pm which meant the party had started about 20 minutes ago at Loeb Boathouse, a restaurant in Central Park that Austin and Kaia had privatised. 

Y/N called it quits on the photographers and walked her way to the restaurant. She instantly regretted choosing the Givenchy dress Kaia suggested for her. Straight from the Spring collection of 2018, it was a long black dress with a wide collar and a bow in the back. It was absolutely magnificent but not the most practical thing to be wearing, especially at night and in a gigantic park.

She arrived by 11:30 at the party, much to Austin’s relief that was wearing a tuxedo and a large grin on his face, far too happy to be hosting both a party and a surprise for his best friend. She greeted him and his girl for the second time of the evening and was shown to a table where food had just been served.

Coming back from the bar, Callum was trying to find an available seat when Austin reached out for him and indicated where he could sit. Right next to Y/N. He noticed a beautiful woman he thought he had seen somewhere before. He had to know more about her. 

She was looking like a Celtic goddess, he thought with her hair descending and shimmering as the light crashed on it. With her classy black dress, he could only presume she was a celebrity too and he then tried to force his memory to remember a name, to no avail. The woman seated next to her was so splendid in fact that, though he was craving to talk to her, he felt himself blushing like a schoolboy. Being an actor and not knowing your pick-up line, you could not make it up! 

Y/N made space for the man sitting next to her, recognising him in the blink of an eye to be Austin’s friend and colleague he had talked so much about. Though she never truly listened to Austin’s attempts to set the two up together, she was much obliged to admit that he might have been right to even try match-making.

Callum Turner was indeed a very elegant man besides being good-looking. His aquamarine eyes had something of a malicious air which made her imagine him to be a kind soul and considering he had become a good friend to Austin, he must have been this kind-hearted being. She felt immediately some comfort in his company, which she had not felt in ages while surrounded by men. 

She did not feel intimidated by his 6’1 stature nor his assured walk as they were balanced by a gentle and wide smile on his face. She dared starting a conversation as she could catch a glimpse of him eyeing her.

“Hi, I’m Y/N. You must be Callum, right?”

“Hi, that’s right! So nice to meet you. You were in a film, weren’t you?” 

Y/N chuckled at the idea of being an actress and even more so of giving the impression of being one. “Oh no, I would be a terrible actress. I’m a photographer and also a childhood friend to Austin”

Callum laughed along at the confusion “Gosh, I’m sorry. It’s just the dress and you look, well, drop dead gorgeous” And the blush appeared back on his cheeks and was soon followed by the same tint on Y/N’s. After having said that, he realised who she was and why she was so familiar. Austin had talked about her earlier and had even shown some pictures of them at prom and other moments of their early adulthood.

She was even more of a beauty than what the photographs made it to be, he thought.

“You’re not bad-looking yourself”, Y/N commented after a few seconds.

From afar, Austin looked at the two introducing themselves, knowing the deal was closed.

“So, tell me, what drove you to photography?”, Callum inquired while not being able to take his eyes off Y/N. 

“I guess I’ve always wanted to show another version of nature and people than what could be seen in magazines. Having someone pose for you or waiting for a certain light to come up in a forest does not interest me. I want to capture what makes a person different from another or why a certain setting is going to move you or not. Well, tonight was a little different than usual but it was fun somehow”

“You took pictures tonight? What photographs did you -”, Callum stopped mid-sentence, connecting the dots between the after-party he was a part of and Y/N’s activity and had to ask as Y/N seemed to nod at him “No way! You were on the red carpet?”

Y/N nodded once more, still not down from the experience she had gone through that evening. 

“Wow, that’s amazing! Congrats on that! How was the whole thing?”

“Exhausting”, Y/N admitted, which Callum could only relate to. Himself was not the biggest fan of red carpets, nor after-parties. But at this instant, he did not regret attending Austin and Kaia’s get-together and laughed along with her. How long had it been since he had not laughed and had genuine fun with a woman?

“But I guess you’ve got plenty of things to say about red carpets for yourself”, Y/N hinted. She loved his London accent which was music to her ears and her laugh was the purest thing she had heard in a while. 

“Tell me about it! I’m a real mess when it comes to those. There was this one time I nearly tripped on Judi Dench at the Bafta ceremony. I was running late which is something I’m really good at. So I’m running for my life to get on that carpet, right. Well, I saw the cameras and all but I did not see Dame Judi Dench and I just lowkey rushed into her as she was getting in the theatre”

“Stop, you mean you had a pile-up with M from the James Bond films? How did she even react?”

“She was the nicest about it. Mind you, I was 24. It was one of my very first award shows. I think she just noticed just how silly I had been to even try running on a carpet. I was unable to stop apologising to her but she was an angel”

After having discussed for over 30 minutes, interrupted here and there by the dishes served, the guests were taken to another room without tables and with enough space to dance the night away.

A playlist made of Taylor Swift, Marina and KC and the Sunshine band started blasting in the room, soon enough filling it with dancing actors and singers. Callum suggested Y/N and he could enjoy the tunes too. He took her hand and the two of them got to dancing. 

With the light emanating from the stroboscopes, Y/N was a shooting star. Her black dress twirled so nicely as she moved her body to the rhythm given. Callum could not stop looking at her while dancing along. 

Callum had this look of having done that all his life. He moved so lightly on the floor, with a composed pace and glistening eyes. 

“You look amazing when you dance”, Y/N whispered in Callum’s ear as the song ended, morphing into a new song.

“And you look amazing overall”, Callum replied. “You’re so beautiful I think I could kiss you right now”

Of course, it was mostly the alcohol speaking as Callum said that and he instantly regretted having said that outloud. As he was wishing she had not heard what he had just said, he felt a warmth on his lips. The warmth was a soft kiss placed with all the tenderness in the world.

After the shared kiss, the two of them went back to their dancing but this time, they got closer. Y/N’s sensual moves rushed Callum to grasp her waist and joining in, echoing her moves with his hands on her wiggling body. With the soft fabric of her dress under his hands, Callum felt like kissing her once more and in her ears said “I really want to kiss you right now, would that be okay?”

“Callum, we’ve just made out in front of everyone. Of course, I’m okay with that”

More kisses added up to the list and the song ended once more. “Let’s go somewhere more quiet”, Y/N suggested and the two of them got back to the first room where they had met. 

In that room, Callum was all hands on Y/N, not being able to resist the tension anymore. “Would you like to see the pictures I took back to my place?”, Y/N questioned, feeling like the end of the night could well go somewhere unplanned but nice.

[crmsnmth]

Hello

Version 5.5

Introductions Are stupid.

Hey. How goes it?

I'm 36. Caucasian male. Goth-punk. I live in a small-town of 2000 people right in the center of the drunken state of Wisconsin. It is not even close to as fun as that sounds, and it doesn't sound all that fun to begin with. For work, I am a kitchen manager at one place and a line cook at another. I work seven days a week, because I've really got nothing better to do. Forces me out of the house. Makes me be social. And I actually really like what I do. I've been working in the industry for twenty odd years.

I listen to all music, and I'm not just saying that. I actually do. You can go through my main playlist, and you'll find everything from Slayer to Britney Spears to Alan Jackson to The Casualties to Katy Perry etc.… My favorite band of all time is the Descendents. But standing tall in second place is Amigo the Devil and Frank Turner rounding out my top 3. But you should tell me your favorites song, or one that means something to you, I need new music to memorize.

I'm mentally screwed and quite medicated. I have come to peace with this fact. I've been as stable as I can get for a good four years now. So that's neat. I am a raging cynic. I am a recovering addict, long-term. 8 Years. I am sober a little over two. I am a major cinephile, especially when it comes to the glory of the 80's slasher movie. I absolutely adore weird movies. The last film I watched that I really liked was Kinds of Kindness. I thought it was brilliant. My favorite movie of all time is Tommy Wiseau's masterpiece "The Room." I mean that 100%. That movie is the best thing to ever be put on film and I will fight and die upon this hill. I write more than any sane and healthy person should write, but I'm far from sane and I'm far from healthy. I post at least once a day, but sometimes I can post over ten. My notes app on my phone is scary looking.

I do not write for anyone's actual approval. Not even my own really. I do this because it's the only addiction I have that isn't actively trying to kill me and is actually trying to better me as a person and get in touch with unresolved feelings and places that will never have closure.

I will always love constructive criticism. But please, for the love of all the love in the world, don't just tell me I suck. I get that. It's a massive part of my whole gig. Please, give me a reason why I suck, what I'm doing wrong in your eyes. Help me to better this craft I play with. Seriously, I love it. But if you can't give me a reason, maybe it's best you keep that food-hole shut, and stop trying to be a dick, dick.

So since, I write some much, what topics to a tap dance to the grave with? I'm pretty predictable. So, this stuff: The Girl with the Ocean Blue Eyes, Kid, The Broken Mirror Girl, My Junkie Angel, The Girl from California, The Best Friend, The Drunk*, love, lost lovers, hopelessness, isolation, drug addiction, alcoholism, depression, forgotten acquaintances, mental illnesses, rage, hate, rejection, joy, insignificant moments, slices of life, laughter, beauty, self and self-reflection, self-hate, art, other writers, panic, infatuations, obsession, therapy, group homes, rehab, jail, grace, nature, loss, hope, fear, grief, anguish, philosophy, anarchism, nihilism, religion, god, the devil, ugliness, politics, serial killers, cults, suicide, death, destruction, chaos, music, validation, closure, memory, enemies, friends, rock bottom, sex, violence, rock and roll, sin, self-exploration, bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, pain, self-destruction much more.

Consider this little spot your trigger warning.

I make music as well as the writing gig. Go tell me I suck at it.

I know about the typos. I am very aware. You don't need to tell me, because I'm probably not going to fix them anyway. Besides, you can figure it out.

There's bare bones about me and what I'm about and where I stand. If there is anything else you'd want to know for some godforsaken reason, go ahead and message me. I may not be real good at it, I do enjoy having fifteen second conversations.

*NOT REAL NAMES

[cowboyjen68]

just wanted to say how happy it makes me to see an older butch living your best life out in the Midwest! I've lived here my whole life and I've always wanted to keep a modest little farm out in the country but I've been too scared to being queer. but seeing you and your critters having a wonderful life fills me with so much hope and happiness. have a lovely day / evening / night, Jen!

I did not choose where I lived carefully. My girlfriend at the time saw the house, loved the house, decided we could afford the house annnd suddenly, we owned a house with 6 acres. She left 6 months later.

It just so happens we got (I got) lucky. We are a short commute to larger cities, the county is rural but spread out and populated with people who work in larger and cities or own local small businesses that employ the local citizens.

My advice is find and area with a doable commute to a larger city because jobs are easier to find, more resources tend to be available and people are less isolated. Make sure wifi, clean water, propane for heating and electrical is readily available on a stable grid, healthy well.

Make sure your fences are well build and your neighbor is not an obvious ass hole. (messy, dogs, livestock or kids running wild). If there is a junk yard in the yard next door or broken fences, run down house and barn, take a pass and keep looking. Age is one thing, clear neglect of his property is a good glance into how he might behave. And if it is close by, those conditions can affect your home and yard. Think rats, fleas, dangerous dogs, sick cats infecting yours or kids getting into things.

Living on gravel is cheaper because suburbanites want hard surface. I am one mile from a highway giving me privacy but that small stretch of gravel made my home more affordable, less affected by traffic (except during harvest) and pretty easy to navigate except in the worst of snow storms.

It is completely possible to be a visible lesbian in a rural setting but learning about the locals and the political climate can help. Don't wait for the perfect plot of land, just one you fall in love with and can afford, then make it your home.

One last piece of advice. If your girlfriend finds a baby goat (or 2) and the guy selling them says they live 4 or 5 years he is lying and try to get her away from them ASAP. :)

[rohan-will-answer]

Life update! This is going to be a looooong post! Lots of things have changed!

So about a year ago, ***** and I broke up (I'm keeping his name out of this). It was a long time coming but ultimately it was what we both needed. Everything fell apart. We were polyamorous for the majority of our relationship - but we were bad at it. I hated it for a long time before I finally became more comfortable. When I did feel more comfortable, ***** felt more insecure and closed us off again, with the intention of opening things back up later. But basically, I fucked up and caused the breakup.

I met someone, Marek, and developed feelings quickly. I fell for them hard and told ***** how I felt. ***** forbade me from talking to Marek, but I continued to indirectly talk to them through posts I made about them on the app we met on. I would post about them, they would post about me, and eventually, ***** found the posts and ended the relationship.

I was devastated at first and was overwhelmed by the guilt. Losing the person I was with for over 8 years was awful. But then I started to process the things that happened over the course of that relationship and realized it was beyond unhealthy for both of us. Neither of us were fully to blame for that toxicity. We fed off each other. The relationship was deeply codependent and had so many issues that honestly, it should have ended years before it did. But the codependency kept us together. It was bad.

BUT!!!!

Now life is amazing! Marek and I started actually dating and they are beyond a doubt the best thing that's ever happened to me. The relationship is healthy. Everything feels good and I am deeply in love. We communicate well, our interests and desires in life align, I feel safe with them and never doubt their love for me. They are perfection in human form. I've never met anyone I vibe with so well, genuinely. We will have been together for a year on September 1st! (｡💚▽🩷｡)

Since the breakup, my mental health has improved significantly! I feel joy these days! I am far more stable, my confidence has improved drastically, I have finally met myself, I'm healing my inner child, and I'm far more independent than I ever have been. Marek supports me and makes me feel like I can do anything. I fully believe I was being held back by my last relationship because of the previously mentioned codependency. I wish ***** the best, but I'm happy we aren't together anymore. We both deserve better than what we got from each other.

Some smaller things than a massive relationship change:

I now live in a geodesic dome

I have become completely and utterly OBSESSED with Kirby

My hair is green

My sense of fashion has become super maximalist and colorful

I have control over my eating disorder and I'm finally at a healthy weight

I went to Scotland

I have made friends in the Portland area

I was officially diagnosed with borderline personality disorder which has made therapy far more effective for me

I have fallen deeper into my hobbies

I have a massive plant collection now. 57 plants to be precise.

SO MANY GOOD THINGS.

Overall, life has been really, really good in the past year. I'm truly happy now. I never thought I'd get to this point, but here I am! I'm thriving!

(ﾉ⊙ヮ⊙)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

My happiness shines through and I am so grateful. (~￣▽￣)~

Also here are some (not all) of my plants!!

[makingspiritualityreal]

The South Node - An Area of Unfair Sacrifice

The Nodes are where we pay an unfair price for a necessary exchange. It is where we offer an area of a given house in order to have any life progress and growth at all in the area of the opposite.

It takes a human incarnation years to redefine and correct the areas of the South Node, as early in life it is karmically out of our control. So we need to give up on this area in its traditional form, knowing it will never function in a way that is beneficial to us. That becomes particularly painful when there is a planet conjunct the South Node. These areas of life produce a feeling of lack, but it is a sacrifice necessary in order for one to be able to grow in the area of the North Node.

As much as the Nodes are both unstable in their own right, the North Node being friendly to Saturn, offers a stable, reliable progress over time, with effort, maturity and reflection put into it, mixed with its cutting edge, out of the box, freedom oriented mindset. The North Node inspires us to actually set a goal.

The South Node causes so much pain, because the South Node and Saturn are enemies. Saturn is strict, but fair. Saturn is an Earthly life regulator of being given the right opportunities. Saturn offers measurable steps, solutions and rewards, even if it comes with timidness and obstacles. The South Node is the sum total of our karma, that reaches down to past lives, and thus it is responsible for wreaking havoc on our lives in ways that are beyond logical, rational fixing. It requires a completely meditative, surrendered attitude. In extreme cases, it requires one to completely move away from the given planet/house area, or only do the absolute minimum if necessary for survival.

The South Node requires of us to achieve a level of Monkhood, even if on a small scale. Early in life, as we are unexperienced in dealing with that energy, we end up being taken advantage of, and we give ourselves away. A mature South Node instead isolates from all unwanted stimuli, not really taken excessively for oneself, but also setting healthy boundaries through distance. We can actually have gains from the South Node our whole lives, if we don't try to control them or approach them too much.

Only as we mature into our 40s, the Karma of the South Node lets up, giving us exactly what we needed, even if in minimal form, perfectly tailored to our needs. To give you a more tangible example of how the Karma of the South Node works, somebody with their South Node in the 7th house may have an impossible time finding a good life partner on a personal ground. They may have successful, working business relationships from a degree of distance. They may have long-distance online romances. Since their life karma wants them to focus on individuality, self discovery, self expression and independence, the North Node in the 1st house may inflate their ego. That is actually a positive phenomenon with this alignment. The native may find, that the more full of themselves they are, the more they invest in their own brand, the more they attract successful working partnerships. Nevertheless, true intimacy mixed with acceptance of the person's basic identity, remains out of reach.

As a result, this native gives up on their deep desire for a successful, intimate partnership. They adopt a mentality of "This is who I am, and I am going to be myself and express myself to the fullest, and I am not compromising anything for that. Anyone who approaches me, if they want to be close, must accept that, as I fully delve into discovering my individual self every day". Ironically, it is that attitude of complete self acceptance, that solidifies the person's character and teaches them not to compromise. Then, when the South Node karma lets up at its own designated time, sometime after 42, just as the native has completely surrendered to such a lifestyle and given up on one's desire even if deep down they hold it in their heart, they unexpectedly meet their perfect match. They receive exactly what they have been missing all along, after they have completely reinvented themselves.

The concept of unfairness related to the South Node comes from the fact, that prior to that time, the desire of the South Node house and any planet conjunct it, remains emotionally dissatisfying. Any time the native tries to pursue the matters of that house outright, especially on a more sensitive level, they will be denied. There will be no fairness, even with a delay as Saturn would want, no equal payback, no "rightness", only strife, that ensures the native is pushed back towards their North Node.

The difference in South Node functionality and planetary alignment in between charts is in the fact, that as much as it denies emotional satisfaction, a strong South Node is actually a stable support system. Using the example above, the person with South Node in the 7th house, if well functioning, will actually attract an array of partnerships to help them construct their own brand. They will always have somebody available. They may even be the kind, who marry exclusively for status and name, and agree to a level of distance in the marriage in order to advance themselves on a personal level. The other significator of South Node karma is how fast it lets up. The Nodal release starts according to Vedic classics at the age of 42, but a stronger holding, more karmic South Node will delay that progress into the native's 50s and beyond.

The best functioning South Node is one, that fully, naturally, embraces detachment early on in life and doesn't look back. Often, a strong North Node helps, as it gives one a measurable goal to strive for. A struggling South Node is extremely stuck in the past, which manifests as passing up opportunities when they appear, out of a desire to remain within one's comfort zone, being avoidant of the North Node.

Another, more unorthodox form of the South Node, is the aforementioned concept of monkhood. These are people, who embrace servile roles, completely ridding themselves of any earthly desire, choosing an ascetic life with no reward. That may be a necessity one is forced into due to extremely heavy past life karmas.

[dolfinsatdawn]

Questions 6, 20 and 30 for the RoP Ask Game. :-)

Omg thank you for the ask!!

6. Where would you most like to live in RoP and why?

I am going to say Eregion because I can't help myself and I know that means I'm doomed but at least I'd get to see Celebrimbor for several hundred years. (And I’m not quite as doomed as if I said Numenor.) Eregion would be such a beautiful place to live. Imagine going riding along the river, imagine seeing all the beautiful artists work in the city, walking to Khazad Dûm when you're bored. Also I desperately want to see what the statue of Fëanor looks like from the front. Celebrimbor is obviously the main reason I picked Eregion, but let me pine okay. It helps.

20. Name three of your favourite scenes (or lines, or scenes and lines).

The pure Shakespearean quality of the scene where Celebrimbor is talking to the metals. I wish I had a direct quote of it but, the level of feeling is insane. I shushed my family in my second watch through just to hear his delivery. Charles Edwards is a fantastic actor. (in the same vein "I go to the shores of morning ere long..." I cried)

The balrog scene had me kicking and screaming. The balrog was so COOL and they were so careful to honor the original design. I love the way they blended special effects with practical effects in RoP. I just rewatched the Hobbit and I was a bit saddened by how much of those films were vfx (vfx are cool!! But I like a certain balance) and I feel like you could really feel the way the showrunners at RoP understood balance. The scene with Balrog and the king is one of the most cinematic shots in the entire show. I want that as a painting.

“Captivating.”

Annatar’s facial expressions overall were a highlight of the season. (Again the ACTING in this show is insane). But this scene specifically where you can see The Sauron Agenda is being delayed by this Elf who Is Supposed To Be Working. And instead is pointing out Sauron’s mistakes to his FACe. I’ve never seen so much unbridled rage in one little word. You can see his eyes go a little insane. Vickers is extremely talented and I love him as a villain.

40. Choose three characters (not necessarily your favourite ones). Say three positive things about each of them.

Celebrimbor:

1. The brightest smile I’ve seen in ages. I would trust this elf with my life. Let me learn metal smithing from him he’d be such a gentle teacher.

2. So much good was done by this guy. He made an entire city, made a trade route with dwarves, made a specific choice to denounce his own father for the sake of morality (Silm content but listen he’s such a good guy and I love him in both RoP and the Silm). I know he blames himself for Annatar’s deception but he needs to be remembered for all the good he did (I think Elrond will do this, Elrond will defend Celebrimbor’s memory)

3. Stronger than he looks. Listen, no one (not even Sauron) expected Celebrimbor to throw the lying Maia bastard (affectionate) against a pillar. He's a Smith. He's got upper body strength for days. I for one appreciate that.

Durin:

1. The most mentally stable guy. He has it together man. He stands up for himself, defends his wife, says sorry when he needs to, expresses healthy feelings to Elrond when he's mad (after a little bit), mistrusts the magic bastard blonde baby girl (affectionate) hanging around Narvi's best buddy. He is a mental health king.

2. Best Tolkien Wife Guy. Listen we know that Tolkien writes tons of wife guys. Okay. But Durin is the winner of RoP. Elendil would be a close second (and we all know about Tom Bombadil) but we don't get to see him with his original wife and we don't have QUITE enough scenes of him and Miriel. Durin is 100% wife guy.

3. Not above pranking the elves. I mean seriously he finagled a new table out of the HIGH KING. Valar-tier move. He can be serious when it counts but we have to appreciate a man who is down for a shenanigan or two.

Arondir:

1. Feral king. Look at him. All the other elves we see are these controlled dressed up with fancy armor..and here he is running around the woods like a feral cat. I love him. I don't remember if the show explicitly states that he's Sinarin, but he perfectly encapsulates the Sindar vibe and putting him in battles with Galadriel and soldiers of Eregion just perfectly shows the difference between the Noldo stuffiness and Sindar wild woods energy (and they respect each other!!!!) He has the same feral energy that I love about Legolas. (I secretly hope if they add Celeborn that he and Arondir have a good vibe together and have similar energy!)

2. The movement quality of this man is insane. I've known a lot of dancers and let me just tell you when someone knows how to control their body they can make walking or even just turning their head seem ethereal. Arondir has this. Every movement is purposeful. Everything is fluid. He has the grace we wish we had even when stabbing an orc in the throat.

3. Another wife guy TM. And also ready to be a Dad guy. It hurt my heart to watch him lose his little human family so quickly. He is so devoted. He yearns. He YEARNS.

[super-unpredictable98]

The Eighth Child (~TUA AU~) - Season 4

Chapter 2: The Prodigal Daughter Returns

Warning: Strong language, mention of death and mental illness, talk of addiction.

(The Eighth Child Masterlist)

A few days passed and they all forgot about Jennifer and the dry cleaner. Viktor decided to stay a few days to make up to Grace for missing her birthday, and Klaus was trying to be more romantic than usual.

"Was that good?" He asked, lying next to His wife.

"Yeah... yeah of course," Victoria nodded.

"You don't have to lie."

"It was okay. You're too soft."

"I can't be rough, you're pregnant!"

She turned her back to him and looked at the jar of marigold on her nightstand.

"I'm sorry," he said with eyes full of tears. "I don't know what to do anymore to save us. I don't know how to be different from what I am now."

"I know," she murmured. "You know how Dad took our powers and all? Because we kept ending the world, but that was because some of our powers were destructive. Allison can start and end wars and she's not mentally stable, Ben can commit a massacre without breaking a sweat, Five can mess with the timeline... but we're not destructive. You just become immortal and see a few ghosts. Alright you can conjure them and stuff, but you won't need to."

"Are you suggesting I drink this shit?"

"That would make you feel safer and nobody would have to know... then you could go back to being the man I love."

"What do you mean? You don't love me anymore?"

"How can I love someone who carries a gas mask to go places?" She snapped. "Who won't eat a runny egg yolk! Who needs to bathe in alcohol before getting in bed? Who won't buy used books because someone might have left fluids on them that could give you a disease? I can't stand your restrictions anymore and you're making our daughter into a fucking wimp like you! You're boring and your new haircut sucks! You getting sober was the worst thing that ever happened to me!"

A silence took over the room and he started crying, scared to wake up their daughter with all the screaming.

"I-I'm sorry, I didn't mean it," Victoria quickly tried to take it back, but words are like bullets. They can't be unshot.

"Three years... you wanna throw three years down the drain because that's what you want, right?" Klaus sobbed. "You love our little parasitic relationship, the eternal screwup and his holy savior! I'm your charity case, I've always been and you feel so superior because you can smoke a joint once in a while, have a few drinks and you're fine! You can go back to being normal Victoria, but I have a disease! Once I start, I can't stop!"

"I know... I didn't mean to-"

"Every time I'd relapse back in the day, you got a glint in your eye! Oh, I get to save him again!"

"That's not true! You know damn well how hard I tried to keep you sober! I said it without thinking!"

"No, don't take it back. Dysfunction is what we do best in this family so how could we ever raise our children in a happy home? You need to traumatize them like Dad did you us! Because you think it made you tough, it made you interesting, it built character. Newsflash, sweetheart! You're just broken and full of Daddy issues!"

"How can you say that?" She started crying as well. They had not fought this badly since she left him to work in California.

"You're selfish and a big baby! You leave me when things get too hard or too boring, you did it when we were 25 and you're doing it now! I'm so done living cowering in your little bubble of superiority!"

"I took care of you your whole life! I made sure you didn't get in trouble, I made sure you were fed and healthy and safe! I was your shield for 30-something years! You know I'd take a bullet for you even now that I'm no longer indestructible! You think it was easy? You think I like picking your sorry ass off the floor when you hit rock bottom?"

"Bottom? Moi? There's no bottom here, missy, no bottom at all. I'm the goddamn Mariana Trench! Just wait till you see!"

"You're threatening me now? Give me a fucking break, I wanted to help you, you coward! So scared of a little itty bitty ghosts that you need to pop every pill on the planet. Your power is a gift!"

"You wouldn't survive a day with my power! So easy for you... I don't feel pain, nothing hurts me!"

"I'd thrive with your power, you're just too weak and cowardly to deal with it how it's supposed to be!"

"Thank you... you know truly thank you. Finally a grain of honesty. Feels refreshing! You wanted the old Klaus? You got him!" He reached for the jar of marigold but she took it from him.

"I'll put this away, nothing good is gonna come from taking this shit..." Victoria got up and grabbed a box from the top shelf to leave the jar in, but she found something that caught her eye. A card.

"Give it to me! You want me to so bad to be your pet junkie again!"

"No! I'll give it back to whoever gave it to us!"

"You'll return it to the man in the dry cleaner?"

"No, someone else... look after Fortune, I'll be back."

**

Victoria headed to the Hargreeves mansion, she had not been there in years. Not ever since she tried to get the location of their birth mothers, but Reginald knew nothing of it.

The guards were more than eager to let her in, they treated her like she was actually part of the family.

When she walked into the mansion, she heard the sweet sound of a violin being played by a beautiful lady who looked almost angelic.

"Abigail."

"Hello, Victoria," she smiled, putting down the violin. "Long time no see! What brings you here today? I see you're glowing, when can we expect the second little one?"

"You forgot your jar of marigold," Vicky leaned against the wall in front of her.

"I'm sorry? I think you're mistaken."

"No, I'm not, step-mama. You know, I can't read minds anymore, but I'm not stupid. That whole Sy Grossman story was mighty suspicious. So I turned to the note you gave us to send the location of Viktor. Where had I seen that handwriting before? Oh yeah! The card you sent to us the day my daughter was born. I had to check it to make sure, and there it was... your handwriting. Now would you tell me why you gave us a jar of this stuff?"

"I synthesized marigold back in my world, but when I created this new element, another one was accidentally produced as a byproduct... Durango."

"Durango."

"Yes, and it's inside of Jennifer."

"Jennifer... as in Jennifer who got my brother killed?"

"I do not know about that... but when marigold and durango interact, there's a dangerous physical reaction."

"Makes sense. He touched Jennifer and started getting this weird rash, then his tentacles were out of control, and he ended up killing himself and the girl... but wait, you gave us Marigold and sent us to look for durango? Do you wanna fucking kill us?" Victoria grabbed Abigail by the collar.

"What is the meaning of this?" Reginald came into the room with a scowl. "Unhand my wife right now!"

"Your wife tried to end the world! I have a child and I'm expecting another! I have a nephew and nieces, how could you do this?"

"I never asked to be brought back!" Abigail finally said. "Reginald brought me back to life and I didn't ask for it! He unleashed this danger into your world after it destroyed ours, I just wanted to cleanse it."

"Very well, it's cleansed," Victoria opened the jar and tossed it in the fireplace. "Now don't you ever come near me or my family, with or without powers, I will end your sorry ass with my bare hands."

"There's no need for this sort of-" Reginald placed himself between them.

"Don't you miss being so strong?" Abigail held up a vial of marigold. "Nothing could hurt you, you knew what everyone was thinking and even controlled it, you controlled what they felt... wasn't it great?"

"I'm great without my powers, I'm a mother and a wife, a business owner... that's all I wanna be," Victoria sneered.

"What about your husband? Don't you miss him? Don't you miss the devil-may-care Klaus? Who jumped in front of cars and spent all night partying? The man you fell in love with is gone."

"Shut up..."

"This is the very last of the marigold in the world. Enough for two people... maybe three, if you want to make your daughter special as well. Protect her from the world."

Victoria sniffled and grabbed the vial, she looked at it and for a moment all the memories from her youth came rushing back.

She remembered crazy nights with Klaus, dance lessons, their mother's shoes, their college days, his face while getting his palms tattooed, the amazing girls she met in Vietnam, her life in the 60s, the cult, his proposal, their wedding, falling out of her window when he tickled her... and it was the concrete that shattered.

"It was the concrete that shattered," Victoria mumbled, opening the vial.

"All you have to do is to look for Jennifer," Abigail murmured.

"Will it hurt us?"

"You won't feel a thing. You and your family will be protected. You won't face the same ending as your brother."

"There's another thing I'm good at besides recognizing handwritings..." Vicky swallowed. "Recognizing liars."

She tossed the glowing liquid into the fire once again and turned her back to leave.

"Victoria!" Abigail called.

"Enjoy the rest of your life in our world and don't you dare create more of this shit. I'll come kill you myself."

**

Meanwhile, back at home, Klaus was pacing around the room. He kept replaying and replaying all the moments from the fight in his mind and it hurt more and more each time he remembered.

That familiar need started taking over and he knew he was about to relapse. He took the phone and called Claire, asking her to come over and pick up Fortune because he had to take care of an emergency.

After that, he started going through the house grabbing everything valuable he could get his hands on. First his own wedding ring, Vicky's collectible Disney music boxes, her jewelry, the Rolex she got him for their anniversary, and finally their daughter's piggy bank.

He smashed Fortune's porcelain pig on the floor and grabbed all the money inside before pulling their flat screen off the wall in the living room.

"Daddy?" Fortune stood behind him. "Why did you break the piggy bank? I'm saving for a Barbie Dream House!"

"Tunnie baby!" He tried to smile. "You're here! Claire is coming to pick you up so you can play at Aunt Alli's house."

"What are you doing, Dada?" She frowned, noticing something was clearly weird.

"You know this TV has been on the fritz for a while. Haven't you noticed, baby girl? I just thought I'd take her down to the old geek lab, let them work their magic."

"It's not broken, Dada. You're weird, I'm scared... where's Mommy?"

Fortune tried to come closer, but Klaus held his hand up.

"No no no! Your feet, sweetheart, you'll hurt your feet with the shards. Watch your feet, sweetheart!" He cried, covering his mouth in panic. "The piggy was an accident, Tunnie, I'll pay you back."

"I don't care about the money, Dada, I want you to be okay," the little girl looked down, tears running down her face. "I know something's wrong, please tell me so we can talk and make it better."

"I'll talk to you, Tunnie, I will. But Daddy has had a horrible day and he just can't... just can't have this conversation right now. I'm sorry."

"Claire said you were sick. That you needed help to stay healthy, are you not feeling well again? I can help you! I'll call 911, please stay with me!"

"It's too late, baby, I'm sorry. You stay put and wait for your cousin, okay? You need to stay on the couch waiting for her and when mommy comes back, she'll pick you up."

"No, Daddy! Don't go! You're sick, you need a doctor!" Fortune tried to stop him from going to the door.

"No, Tunnie, Daddy's gonna leave now just for a little bit."

"Please stay! It's dark and I'm scared!"

"I gotta go-"

"But Daddy...!"

"WILL YOU PLEASE JUST FUCKING MOVE?" He yelled. "NOW DO WHAT YOUR FATHER SAYS AND DON'T TALK BACK, FORTUNE BENNIE HARGREEVES!"

The little girl was stunned into silence and her little pout quickly turned into panic as she started crying harder. She watched her father leave and sat on the floor sobbing quietly.

Not once had he ever raised his voice at his daughter, she was an easy girl and never got in trouble. She never needed to be punished or grounded, he always considered himself lucky... but now Klaus feared he was turning into what he hated most: his father.

*

"Hello," Victoria picked up the phone as she drove back home.

"Vicky, we need to get together right now," Five said. "Bring Klaus."

"I don't know where he is, he left Fortune at Allison's and disappeared with our TV and my jewelry. I'm looking for him right now."

"Shit... we need you! I think we have some more insight on the whole Jennifer situation."

"So do I, wait until I tell you who planted the marigold in that box and sent us after durango."

"What? What are you talking about? Ben is here! We're all at the old Academy."

"I know, he's an asshole. Big news..."

"No, not Sparrow Ben, our Ben."

"What?" She nearly crashed the car when she made a turn to head to the Academy. "How?"

"He found this sort of subway where the train takes you to different timelines, there's a crack in time and space which made several portals around the world to this station. The timelines are bleeding into each other."

"Please don't say another apocalypse is coming, I can't cope," she huffed.

"No, I mean, not if we find out how this is all connected. It's supposed to be one timeline, The Keepers, that group Sy mentioned... Lila and I have been infiltrated there for months and they know we're in the wrong timeline."

"Well fuck, that means the cleanse is a little more drastic than I thought."

"How do you know about the cleanse?"

"Abigail told me, it's a whole chemical thing with Jennifer. I'll explain better once I'm there."

"Jennifer? Oh, that makes sense why Dad is trying to keep her away from society."

"He is?"

"Jean and Gene, the leaders of that group I told you about were just murdered along with a bunch of their followers when they tried to kidnap Jennifer from the make-believe town where she lives. Everyone in the town is a Hargreeves soldier."

"Alright, I'm so confused. The Klaus hunt will have to wait, I'll be there in five... Five."

Tag List: @jozstankovich @firstpersonnarrator @salvador-daley

[winterinhimring]

I'm having feelings about TASM Harry Osborn. (Surprising to everyone, I know. It's not like I've gotten ridiculously invested in the Osborns lately or anything.) But...he's so young, and he's so scared, and he is completely, utterly alone.

Yes, he can certainly be abrasive, especially with people he dislikes, but most of it is because (a) he is surrounded by people who are actively scheming against him, and he knows it, (b) he has NO support network whatsoever except for his assistant whom he met less than 48 hours ago and his childhood best friend whom he hasn't spoken to in eight years (who, from his perspective, gets very standoffish as soon as Harry makes any real demands on their friendship) and (c) he spends almost the entire movie being abjectly terrified because he's twenty and (like most twenty-year-old men) he thought he was immortal, right up until a couple of days ago when his dad informed him that the horrible disease which was killing HIM was genetic and Harry had it too.

Seriously. Everybody thinks they're immortal when they're twenty, and he's just been violently faceplanted into the concept of his own mortality by his abusive dad, who then promptly died. He has exactly 0 stable adults in his life to help him deal with the knowledge that he's going to die and is in fact already dying. Then the people he thought were scheming against him frame him for covering up a death and fire him from his dad's company (which is both his livelihood AND his best hope of a cure). Of course he panics. Of course he lashes out and does stupid stuff. He has...a lot more responsibility than he's really ready for and absolutely NOBODY who can pull him back from the edge. (Peter tries. Bless him, Peter tries so hard. But one friend, however good, can never fill the void left by all the myriad adults who should have protected and mentored Harry and have instead thrown him back on his own resources time and time again, and when Peter is having a crisis, which he is for most of the movie, his communication skills go out the window, so Harry never realises just how deeply Peter does care for him.)

And when he's fully, finally lost hope and driven himself half-mad by experimenting on himself, then he decides that all he has left is vengeance, and that he might as well go out hurting Spider-man as badly as he himself has been hurt. There's no excuse for what he does, but there are a lot of explanations, and it makes me sad how much of his downward spiral would have been preventable if he'd had...one single healthy parental figure in his life.

no i am not writing multiple fics in which he gets adopted by assorted healthy parental figures what do you mean

[p0orbaby]

Psalm 41:9

Summary - Tony has suspicions about what happened that fateful night.

Warnings - Some medical talk, language, mentions of drugs and od

Authors note - not me taking months just to post a filler chapter…

Word count - 2k

Navigation | Series Masterlist | W.M Masterlist

The sky was a bruised purple. Dark waves slashed open by pink and blue and orange. It was both eerie and beautiful at once. Wanda pondered briefly, as she stared at the world outside through the window and past her own reflection, if it was an echo of her current situation.

Her friends had all but betrayed her trust. You had abandoned her. Yet she’s gained two precious children. The beings that made up for everything terrible happening right now. They’ve forced her to see that there’s light even at the end of the darkest tunnels.

Though life was rarely fair. Happiness was a luxury. She knew that now, turning to look at you. Beeping machines caging you in. She just needed to figure out if all the pain was worth it in the end. And it was a hard decision to make when the person she would choose to lean on in times like this was the product of her worries. A body hooked to medical devices. Still and pale and half the person you were the last time she saw you.

She sighed in defeat. Slowly sinking herself into the chair Tony gratefully vacated for her. Teary eyes scanning over you, chest heaving with irritation and guilt and everything else that came along with having your spouse in hospital.

Fuck.

How could you be so stupid? After all this time, to slip and have everything you've built together crumble before her eyes. Like a cliff edge disappearing into the choppy sea after years of holding on. Was that what you did? Held on. Grappled for so long you caved and followed what you desired. Corroded with time.

She thought therapy was helping. The two of you were in a good position. Things were healthy. Or so she was led to believe.

Perhaps she was the stupid one after all.

-

The fresh air helped him get clarity.

Deep breaths and pacing were the foundations of Tony Stark's relatively stable mind.

Wanda had come to see you so he thought best to give her some alone time. She looked tired. Understandable after giving birth. Angry from being told you’d overdosed. Disappointed. Alone.

It was a shock to everyone. Sure you’d had your problems. You’d been dealt a hard life, but Wanda and her patience had really turned you around. So to get a call from Natasha to say you’d been admitted for drugs was not something he’d have ever expected. Not anymore. Not at this point in your life.

Which is what didn’t sit right with him.

How it seemingly went from zero to sixty in one night.

He thought about what could’ve happened as he used the toe of his shoe to kick stray stones along the path of the hospital gardens. It couldn’t have been work stress because you were on leave. Strict Instructions from him and Maria to stay away from anything company related. You’d not fallen out with Wanda from what he knew. Or Natasha, Bucky or himself. You’d been to see Clint on the farm a few weeks back and he’d given sound reports. Therapy was going well. Nothing at all out of the ordinary.

His mind was drawing a blank. Tony Stark had finally been stumped. It unsettled him.

-

A sudden ringing from beside him made him jump. He wasn’t expecting any calls, opting to take a few days to spend with Peggy upstate. But alas, as the sun was setting and the sky turned to ink, Steve’s phone vibrated next to him as they both laid lazily on the couch.

He slipped from beneath his wife with an apologetic look, but she just waved him off with a wink, laying her head back down. “Hey Tony, what’s up?”

“Oh nothing much, scouting the hospital grounds, critiquing the canteen food. Terrible by the way, I wouldn’t recommend it. How’s your pit stop trip going? Peggy making you run around for her I hope”

“Fine, good. Tony, you know I like talking to you right? But now's not a good-“

“I know I’m sorry. I am, but it’s important. It’s about Y/N”

“Tony-“

“Y/N’s overdosed. She’s in hospital.

Before your start it’s nothing major, in theory. The doctors are keeping her under for observation”

“Shit. I’m sorry, I didn’t know”

Steve walked to the sliding back door and stepped out onto the patio. The small lake behind the garden fence glimmered in what little light the evening provided. The moon just about peaking through the curtains of velvet sky. Reflecting halos on the rippling water.

“No sweat. She’ll pull through. She always does”

“Well if there's anything I can do to help then don’t hesitate to ask”, Steve offered, chest tightening slightly at the thought of you in a hospital bed.

“There was one thing actually. You can say no, but I’d be really grateful if you could help me out”

By the tone of his friend's words, Steve knew that it wouldn’t be as simple as just picking him some fresh clothes or collecting Morgan up from school. He took a deep breath before letting Tony continue.

“No one can find her phone. We don’t know where she went last night. There’s nothing online about anything either”

Steve knew where Tony was going with this. All he could do was let out a sigh. Run his hand over his face. Lean against the railing of the terrace.

“Tone, I can’t go digging up information on a case that doesn’t exist. Police resources aren’t used like that”

“What if I make it a case? I can file a report about excessive drug activity in the city. Or I could go to the mayor…”

Just hearing his friend ramble on upset him. His plans wouldn’t go anywhere. Of course authorities knew about the drug problem. There’s just too much to do to stop it. And the mayor will just laugh in his face. Tell him to keep his nose out of places it doesn’t belong. Stark or not, he didn’t listen to anyone.

“Tony stop. Okay just, slow down, alright. I’ll help. But it has to be under wraps. No tv. No papers. Nothing. I’m not having a repeat of last time”

“Yes, thank you. No, I get it. I’ll be quiet, I swear. I just want you to find her phone and see where she was last night. Maybe find her on CCTV or something”

Steve’s eye caught something in his periphery. It was Peggy leaning against the frame of the sliding door in her robe. She must’ve overheard some of the conversation because the look on her face was one Steve hated. Disappointment. Worry.

“I promise. I won’t even tell Pepper. Well I might have to but she-“

“Goodnight Tony. I’ll talk to you soon” was all Steve said before he hung up. Flinging his phone onto the patio furniture with a bounce.

“Duty calls?” Peggy asked, reaching out for Steve’s hands to pull him back inside.

All Steve did was nod and wonder why he let himself get dragged into these situations.

-

Bucky was sitting on the edge of the bed when Natasha walked out of the bathroom, towel in hand, drying her hair from the shower.

“Everything alright?” She asked when she noticed him running his hands through his hair. Leaving an unruly mess in its wake.

“Tony’s asked Steve to help him find out some details about the night Y/N was admitted”. His voice was gravelly, laced with tiredness and something else she couldn’t quite pinpoint.

“That’s good isn’t it? That they’ve found something concrete enough to get the police involved”. Her back was turned to him as she placed her dirty clothes in the laundry basket and rummaged around her dresser for something to wear. But even facing away from him, she could feel the tension radiating from his broad frame behind her.

“No, they’ve not found anything. Steve’s doing it under the table”

His voice muffled slightly as she pulled one of his old T-shirts over her head. “Oh, right. Well if Steve has agreed then there must be some validity to it. All of this, with Y/N I mean, is out of the blue even with her history. Just last week she said-“

“Steve’s asked me if I can help him”. Natasha tried to make her shock as invisible as possible, but Bucky’s eyes met hers when she spun around and sucked in a harsh, involuntary breath.

“Buck”

“I know what you’re going to say, and I want to tell him I can’t. But it’s Steve, and he wouldn’t agree to do this for no reason. Y/N’s our friend, we have to help somehow”

“Not like this though Bucky. You can’t be starting all this again, you’ve just about gotten over what happened on deployment. And then we’ve got our own plans on top of that. Starting a family-“

“What the fuck am I supposed to do? Say no and have him do it alone?”

“Took the words right out of my mouth”

Bucky stood from where he was perched to pace around the room in frustration. “You know that’s not an option, Nat”

“And why not? Why can’t we just accept that what’s happened was a massive slip up? That Y/N needs medical help, people to support her. Not my husband playing vigilante to look for something that probably isn’t there”

“She’s our friend,” he countered.

“And you almost got killed the last time you followed someone into the firing line”

“That was different and you know it. How can you compare what happened out there with this? We’re not in some foreign desert, Natalia”

Bucky looked wild. An animal back into a corner.

Defenses raised and ready to pounce. She shouldn’t have mentioned the war, but she needs him to see that what he’s planning to do is dangerous. Stupid even. But now defusing the situation was probably her best bet.

“Bucky, please take some time to think about this. We’ll talk about it all properly tomorrow. Just, come to bed. Get some sleep, we’ve had a long day”

She reached an arm out towards him, palm facing upwards ready for him to take a hold of, but all he did was walk past her. Pushing her hand out of his path as he headed to the bedroom door.

“I’m going to sleep in the guest room” was all he said before the door clicked behind him. Leaving Natasha alone in the soft glow of the lamp on her nightstand.

-

“Is it done?”

The voice was tinny over the phone. Crackling and quite as if they were headed through a tunnel.

“Yeah, it’s done. Left her in the alley at the back of the building. Doubt anyone got to her in time”

A door slammed in the background. Footsteps tapping on what sounded to be a gravel path.

“Good. I’m presuming you want the rest of your payment?”

“Well, I didn’t just kill someone for free now did I? I can meet you at the same spot as last time”.

“Sarcasm doesn’t look good on you, my dear”.

keys turning in a lock. Hushed voices covered by a palm over the reviver. “We’ll give you a call in a few days. But it’ll be a drop off, meeting last time was risky”

“Sure, but if it’s not there, I’m not going to be very happy. I can’t stick around here for too long”

There was a scoff and a chuckle before they answered, “sweetheart, you’ll get it when we decide to give it to you”, then the line was dead. A monotone beep filled the room. Phone bouncing off the mattress on the floor as it’s thrown with a sigh.

The stars that blinked languidly over the city bore witness to the shattered shards of a dangerous puzzle.

Across the city, wife, brother, friends and foe, all vital parts in a game none of them knew they were playing.

While you laid there, dragging your way through the fog. Looking for a break in the clouds.

Taglist

General Taglist: @xxxtwilightaxelxxx @jromanoff @diaryoflife @xxromanoffxx @marrymemcgrath @smileyromanoff @rice-wiife @homiesexyall @wanda-is-my-joker @wackymcstupid @when-wolves-howl @sayah13 @lesbicentism

OTM Series Taglist: @lattayhottay16 @fxckmiup @laylasbunbunny @raqelacevedo @marvelogic @wandsgale @smromanoff @alwaysbimyself-blog @holiday-house-of-m @cherlenovix

W.M Taglist: @olsensnpm @anaaam @wandsmxmff

[girlvinland]

Personal stuff again, but I look back at my mental healthy “journey”, and I find it both enlightening and unfortunate how much pain towards my own self and towards others could have been prevented had I really known more in the past.

For a very long while in my twenties I was on antidepressants and mood stabilizers, and during this time my behavior and thought patterns were largely “normal”, like I’d occasionally experience bouts of depression or hyperactivity, but it was a really stable time overall. I got to a point where I was really tired of taking the medicine and didn’t like the side effects, so I stopped taking them, and shortly after that I’m pretty sure I went into a hypomanic episode for a good long while. I remember feeling amazing and telling people about it, having this non-stop creativity/motivation I hadn’t felt in years, and doing some negative things too like self-medicating in different ways. That went on for a decent amount of time before I crashed hard last summer and fell into a really big depression for months. Looking back now it’s like. Oh. I kind of did this to myself without realizing/understanding, didn’t I. Also, apparently a lot of people have this same experience and decide they’re good and just stop the meds only to end up in a bad place again. Don’t do this.

It’s crazy to me that going back on meds has evened things out so much again. I do feel slightly symptomatic right now in terms of my energy/motivation/irritability, but overall it’s like a night and day experience from what I was going through earlier in the year (and also, I can notice that now and keep an eye on it). The medicine seriously helps, and I never knew how much because I kept thinking that I felt so great off of it and if anything came up, I’d be able to “handle it” (I could not “handle it”). It was a wake up call for me. Still trying to get medicine at the right level and everything, but I am so, so glad that I can reflect more on all of it and understand it more now, for my own well-being. I obviously also have huge regrets about my behavior and the specific ways I felt unable to cope with a lot of what I was going through/how that affected people I care about, but the understanding of what was behind it has really helped me in examining where the problems were. If nothing else, there is a lot of hindsight and wanting to be positive moving forward, keeping going with what’s actually therapeutic and helpful, not repeating those things again. It has become extremely important for me to keep myself and my loved ones in a place where we all feel safe. I think that’s my main concern and will always remain so.