#maybe im just ace but i hate hate hate hate it when songwriters do this | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

lux-scriptum · 4 years ago

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It got long and also i may want to delete so it's under a cut, I hope

Okay so.... gender? Im safe to think about it lately and so I did and like, its super confusing. I've been more and more uncomfortable with being referred to as a woman and I wondered for a few years if maybe it was internalized misogyny or maybe a dislike of how women are treated and the Stereotype of what a Woman Should Be that I was raised with, being raised by Southern Christian Conservatives in Georgia. But I ignored it because I kept moving back in with my parents and it was scary enough knowing I wasn't straight, and trying to figure that out while living with homophobic parents. About six months ago I said fuck it and by thay I mean I finally broek down and told my therapist and she suggested trying out new pronouns at work. Like, I work at Starbucks. Lowest stakes ever. And I got attached to the name Luc (Luke), so I started going by that. And even tho I don't really think I've had major body dysphoria other than a severe dislike of Having Tiddies, guys, the sheer joy I felt at being called Sir and using he/him pronouns has been insane. Like, I'm happy. It makes the original neutrality I felt towards she/her pronouns much more distinct, and definitely threw into contrast the growing distaste that had been building for years.

But it's brought on some questions I don't know how to answer? For a good while identifying as a lesbian felt like home. Just like identifying as ace did. And I'm no longer sure ace is a fitting label but it is a safe one for now, and that's its own separate rant. Or maybe it isn't because it ties back into my utter confusion about attraction, romantic and otherwise. What the fuck does it mean to be in love? To love someone? What does that feel like? Are you supposed to know?? Are you supposed to be able to know what it feels like, right off the bat? Sometimes i feel like everything I'm supposed to feel as a person is sort of pale and cloudy. Like a sheet of translucent glass is between me and That Feeling. And I can't tell if that's ME or if it's trauma? Can I just not feel normal emotions? Am I depressed? It doesn't feel like depression, I don't feel sad and oftentimes lately I've been feeling Something. A lot of something and I'm pretty sure it's joy. And like, I Feel Things when I listen to music. Music is its own category because it feels like I'm emotionally stimming with music almost. But feeling the joy or the rage or the grief that a songwriter wants u to feel is so different from knowing what love feels like. I can read about people waxing poetic and I know how to mimic it well for writing. Very convincingly if my readers are to be believed! But how do I feel that myself?

And it's that same fuzzy, cloudy feeling i get when I look at gender. I love presenting masculine. I FEEL when I present masculine, It's like I was able to brush against that live wire of emotion that I hold onto when I'm listening to music and I sort of get it, like I managed to peek in on what it feels like to maybe like yourself? But I get called a man and it's so much fainter. I'm not a man. But I'm not a woman. So I'm non-binary? But that feels wrong too. The internet has managed to make non-binary feel like a special third gender and that's not it either. And how does that affect how I love women? I prefer being referred to masculine-ly, but I don't Want to be a Man™ and I don't particularly vibe with how men seem to appreciate women, even good men. I loved how wlw love women, it resonated with me, even if I don't,,, I don't get love that still clicked, even if I struggle with people the concept of loving and appreciating and cherishing a woman, that I get. There's just so much conflicting concepts and feelings.

And that's not even touching on how I'm not sure if I find men Attractive or if I just wanna Look like them? Like??? How do i figure this out. I don't Know. What the fuck. I don't know who to talk to, and I hate that im so afraid to try to. I got it in my head that I'm either being offensive (by questioning my gender) or predatory (by liking women?) And i know this isn't logical but it's on my mind. And i know part of this is that one of my oldest friends reacted terribly when I told her and I know it shouldn't matter but I've got all these thoughts moving through my head and I'm avoiding sorting through them. I know I should stop but every time I try it gets overwhelming to just think through it. Idk. I don't even remember what the point of this ive been working on this all day at work and I just. Its complicated? And frustrating.

Do yall mind if i rant about gender and like, attraction and love as it pertains to me?

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