#maybe changing things on tumblr is an outlet for things i can't change outside of tumblr

[lock-my-feelings-in-a-jar]

i've been itching to redo my blog's theme and everything, i need to change things somehow in some way

[blueluneacy]

Personal Update

If you've been following me for a while, then you're probably used to this blog going through… Phases. I tend to have periods of high activity and low activity. It's a combination of both my mood and my schedule, but Recently, I discovered something that horrified me, my worst nightmare realized.

After staring at a page for over an hour, I realized I had burnout. I looked for other causes. Maybe I was tired, or sick, or just had writers block. I looked for legitimately any other cause, because the idea of not being able to write absolutely horrifies me. I've always been writing, always been a writer. It was a massive blow to me. I've always heard about burnout, but I thought, never me! Besides, I don't have the time to be lazy, all of you are waiting for my next post. If I don't post soon, people aren't going to care anymore. In a funny twist, I, the person who constantly preaches on how you need to write for yourself, was not doing that.

And it's not to say that I don't enjoy the requests I'm getting! Some of them can be very same, but I have the power to delete something already done! If I don't like it, I don't have to do it, right? Well, sorta. I've been forcing myself to do something… Weird. I've been making myself write requests in order of when I get them, as some sort of act of fairness. Which on the one hand, sounds fair, but on the other, has honestly made me hate some of my own ideas. I hate writing TA Jotaro now, because I'm constantly doing it, and I don't know why. I used to love the concept, hell, I came up with it! Is there something wrong with me? I don't know.

I started looking into cures for burnout, to try and get something, some pill so I could keep working. But, it doesn't work like that, unfortunately. The only way to cure burnout is… To change. To stop, take a break. But I took a short break before, and I'm still here, burnt out. Well, I never really solved the problem of before, I only prolonged the time it would take me to get here. I honestly don't know what to do other than wait. Even writing this feels agonizing to me for some reason. And it's not just jojo, either. I tried writing so much, from stuff with my ocs, other fandoms, even poetry, but nothing came out. I don't know what to do at this point other than wait it out, but that idea scares the heck out of me, if I'm not writing, what do I do?

For those who don't know, I work at a Bath and Body Works as well as go to school. My job isn't my passion, but it helps fund college and it's decent work. The people are weird, but that's not the point of my little anecdote. At work, part of what I do is sell candles. Massive, three wick scented candles, meant to last for over forty hours of continuous burning. But, I also do returns. About once a week, someone comes in and returns an empty candle container,all used up. While I think it's the stupidest thing, our return policy states that we have to take them, so take them I do, looking over the empty container, with metal prongs and char all along the sides. And God, I feel like those empty candle containers right now! And the problem is, at work, we throw them out. You get rid of them and get a new candle. But I can't just throw out my brain and get a new one. And writing is my outlet, my coping mechanism. I don't know what to do with myself when I'm not attempting to write.

A friend of mine told me to look at things from a different angle. To turn what I'm thinking on its head and work from there. So… I'm gonna try. I'm closing requests now, and I'm still going to attempt to work on them, but well… They'll get done eventually, I just don't know when. As for me working on my burn out… I'm going to try and work on something new. I want to finish Wrong with the Reaper, I want to write more Diavolo, I have so many ideas that I feel like could be interesting and outside my normal realm of what I do, and thinking about them does make me excited in this time where I honestly feel so… Dull.

They say burn out can manifest physically, in extreme exhaustion. I've been sleeping almost all the time when I'm not working, to the point where my dad asked if I needed to have a sleep study. In a way, this realization has made a lot of pieces in my head click.

The raffle is still gonna end at the same time. I'm gonna draw tomorrow still and make a post, and the raffle winnings are gonna take precedent over the requests, just because they're a prize and all. I'm hoping maybe these longer flics will help too, maybe I'll work more on prose or something.

If you want to interact with me, talk to me, or maybe see my wips (always lookin for proof readers lmao), join my discord server at https://discord.gg/gQEEVMf. While I'm still gonna check my inbox here, it's a much easier way to reach me and talk to me.

Thanks for reading. You guys mean so much more to mean than you could ever possibly know. In a way, my burnout has stemmed from my constant race of being up to my own standards, as well as trying to be something that uplifts your day in my writing. I don't know anymore. What I'm trying to say is, thank you all. I'm writing is at almost four a.m. when I couldn't sleep, and I'll probably post it when I wake up. I never thought anyone would like my writing, but people who I have considered fucking idols in the jojo writing section of tumblr have even complimented my work, and it just makes me so happy that people I adore like my work, but also terrified, horrified that I will sooner or later disappoint. But, I'm still alive, I'm still living, still going. And I know that if I keep going, eventually, I think I'll get through this.

[crystalizedmoon-x]

You just know when someone's energy is changing. Whether it's towards you, life, their energy in general. You can feel it. You know it.

I think these changes should have been made prior to making making the biggest decision of my life.

Because, in reality, its not something that's been experienced before hand and The one thing I said I never wanted to be, I've become. There is absolutely no way out of it or even around it. I understand. I'm not stupid. That doesn't mean I can't feel something though.

It's quite degrading. To become the one thing I said I'd never succumb to, the useless shit that has no idea what's going on outside in the real world other than when I'm accompanied. My fault mainly, I push everyone away. I have 3 people making the effort for me and I just dont do it back because of my weird ass stupid issues. Its only a matter of time before they give up too. I'm starting to become okay with being a loner these days. I've pretty much forgotten how to socialise anyway.

I'm in a weird situation. One I do not have any control over at all. I'm super happy to be moving in with my mum though as I think I'll find myself a bit more there again. Childhood and all that. Closer to home. Less of a constant dark mind wondering whether if I even want to wake up at all. Its funny how my anxiety has gone from health anxiety and panic over it, to feeling so angry with feeling unwell 24/7 and my mind becoming unwell with it that sometimes I find myself wondering if I even want to be here at all, just moments of these thoughts. Don't panic. I'm not suicidal. Yet😂.

The minute I feel angry and out of control lately which is extremely often because I'm finding I have so little control in my world right now I just take it out on myself. Like I cant allow myself to feel it, so I stop it and feel it elsewhere instead. Now I'm stuck being unable to be seen naked for probably weeks, probably longer as its a common occurrence recently. I guess that's what 'outfits' could be for, 'disguise'.

I find myself using tumblr late to express myself when my minds going at 1000mph and I'm too tired to sit up and write in my journal so I write here instead.

Like an outlet before bed. Maybe if I write it, I'll think and feel it less. I guess this is my own mind telling me we aren't okay but we are. I'm not happy. I should be, but I'm not. I laugh and smile and feel it but I don't feel feel it. I can't remember the last time I felt giddy and happy. True happy. Like my world didn't feel so dark like I have to physically force myself awake, drag my body just to function. Feel really low constantly and have snippits of feeling good, then realising it was just a slight 'manic' episode and hit a low again when I realise days later I couldn't afford that massive purchase I made via some sort of klarnac/clear pay shit, in the moment it feels like I could find the money anywhere and everywhere then a day or two later I'm like oh shit. And oh yeah, this common occurrences of ups and downs and impulsive behaviours make sense now since I found out was diagnosed with bpd at the age of 17! Long story but now my mind makes more sense. I guess. 😂 Anyway, I miss that light, energetic, happy feeling. Like the cover being lifted from your eyes and waking up actually being excited for the day. No anxiety. No stress. No dark thoughts. No dread. True happiness. True laughter. Real smiles.

Hopefully, soon. I can't handle much more of this.