#max: withdrawn into his own personal trauma

[blcssom]

"my crush on you? jesus, your delusions are really starting to get out of hand, wolfe." a hyper-fixation, certainly. borderline obsessive? maybe. but a crush? she'd never allow it. she breathes in deeply, letting the air collect in her cheeks and holding it while she considers how much she actually plans to share with him. "i mean, he's the ceo of a multi-billion dollar company, max, what'd you think?" she misreads the change in tone, though, suddenly convinced he's underestimating her. "don't get me wrong, i could take care of it myself.... i've taken down men larger than him it's just a little.... complicated. and you're the only person i know who i could ask for something like this."

"i actually think you're very impressed, but you're too afraid to admit it because your fat crush on me will be revealed." maybe he was projecting, but he was happy to hide behind fake confidence if that meant getting under her skin. his favourite pastime. "he's your boss?" something inside of him switched. the reason for his anger, the reason for the terrible things he did. it related too closely to home, thinking about his father and how he took out his aggression on men like him in the still of the night. "does he often not take no for an answer? i mean, to others?"

[madelynraemunson]

CALL ME WHAT YOU WANT 𓆩♡𓆪

(Book #1 of the Hellfire Gentlemen's Club series)

𝐌𝐎𝐃𝐄𝐑𝐍 𝐀𝐔 18+ plz

strip club owner!eddie x fem!exotic dancer!hargrove!reader

Chapter 002: Wing Man

You start your first night of work. Eddie requests a private show. But not for him; for his friend — a rich and lonely bachelor who can’t seem to get over his ex.

* = somewhat smut

** = smut

↳ chapters: 001, 002*, 003** , 004**, 005 , 006 , 007* , 008**, 009, 010, 011, 012* , 013**, 014**, 015, 016**, 017, 018, 019, 020

word count: 7.2k words

NSFW — lap dance, steve creaming his pants, abusive relationships, talks of trauma, steve and reader trauma dumping lol

pairing: lonely bachelor!steve x fem!exoticdancer!hargrove! reader (and lowkey eddie)

author’s note: yes we get with steve before we get with eddie, but we will get there okay??? 🫣🫣🫦 also don’t tell me you guys wouldn’t homie hop in hawkins because these men are SO FINE

tags: @changemunson , @the-fairy-anon , @ali-r3n

“Let me see you dance I love to watch you dance. Take you down another level, and get you dancing with the Devil” -Wicked Games by The Weeknd

♡

A sultry black set.

A hot pink set with bows. Caribbean blue. Army green for the military men. Some cuffs. Personal wet wipes. Sanitizer. And lastly, a stethoscope to play the part.

“I can’t believe you accepted a caregiving job,” Max scoffs as you both make your way out of Scrubs 4 Less. “Do you even have healthcare experience?”

Your stepsister loved to mask her prying with carefully crafted screening questions. Even if they sounded pessimistic.

“Sure I do,” you shrug. “Remember that summer I cared for Great-Aunt Dotty when she had Parkinson’s? Figured maybe it’d be similar.”

“I guess.”

You take it upon yourself to remind Max that you are certified in CPR. And with that cert, you saved numerous people from drowning as a lifeguard. Of course that was for one year during high school, but it was experience nonetheless.

"Well, what about the heavy lifting?"

"Easy. All in the legs." you pat your thighs. Despite being calm on the outside, you are getting nervous now. About everything.

"Takes a lot of core strength too. And upper body."

It's like she knows what you actually will be going to be doing. However, there are parallels between both professions, and you made sure you made a choice like that so you wouldn't have to lie as much about the physicality of things.

"You seemed to have gotten the job pretty fast,” Max notes.

"Nursing homes are really short staffed. Especially with the pandemic and everyone leaving from all the burnout, they’ll take anybody who qualifies."

"Did they even determine if you do?"

"Are you questioning my ability to take care of people?”

You know you’re being manipulative. You can spot a manipulator from a mile away. But this little white lie is for you and Max’s own good. Even if it means selling her a fake story. Even if it means lying. Living a double life.

“An abusive home life and all-timers isn’t comparable.”

“Have you considered that some people with Alzheimer’s are combative as well?”

“And you had to accept the graveyard shift?” she pries further, ignoring all your valid points.

“It pays more,” you answer sharply, readily. “Two dollar shift differential.”

“Oh my god, we’re practically millionaires.”

The sudden change in Max's behavior is really catching you off guard. She was optimistic on her birthday. A little withdrawn when the weekend was approaching. Now the pain is evident it is almost unbearable. Sure, Billy isn't a problem anymore, but with all of his chaos, Max has found solace in using her hobbies as coping mechanisms. Her body needs that adrenaline, and now you have cut off access to all of it.

Max can't go surf. She can't run around freely just yet because she doesn't know good routes and trails. She doesn't have friends in the area besides you, Robin, and Vicky. She misses Donovan.

Max is hurt. You know she is, but you don't blame her. Still, you’ve had it.

“Hey.” you snap.

Max halts. She knows she went too far.

“I know it's sucky... the situation we're in right now," you sigh. "But I'm doing this for us, remember? It’s temporary. We just need a soft place to land, and this is paving the way towards that.”

At least that’s something you didn’t have to lie about: It’s a sacrifice you were making for her.

———————𓆩♡𓆪—————-

Orientation day comes in a blink of an eye.

Eddie is giving you a tour of Hellfire while discussing how his particular ‘system’ works. You’ve got to give him credit. His system makes sense.

“I don’t ask my girls to pay to dance here,” he explains. “I just think that’s bogus. Also, it’s Hawkins. Not that many competitors, so if I let you dance here, you’re automatically staff.”

You two walk down the hall. Eddie shows you where you would clock in and out, promising you your punch-in code by the end of the week. You learn that everyone gets paid out every Friday, because in Eddie’s words, “fuck that biweekly shit”. Tips go home with you every night, but you are expected to help tip out staff members patrons don’t really see or interact with. Therefore: Jonathan’s girlfriend Nancy whose House Mom, Henry, and Argyle. The boys make their money from bussing and serving. Jonathan earns tips from POTIONS.

“I figured as much.”

You graze your hand along the kukris on the wall as Eddie talks. He stops to take note of it and gives you a boastful smile.

“You like ‘em?”

“Yeah, they’re pretty cool.”

“That’s the perk of owning your own business,” Eddie says exuding a lazy stretch to graze the kukris himself. “You choose where the money goes, when it goes, how it goes.”

He ponders for a while longer.

“Most of the time at least.”

Clearly a majority of the money also went to the chicken wings.

Eddie leads you to back of the house where he then proudly showcases his wing menu to you. There’s the Hawkins Hot Chick for Nashville inspired hot chicken. Chicken Strippers for the picky eaters. And the ‘Hot As Cluck’ buffalo wings with spice scales named after Metallica songs: Fuel (mild), Fight Fire with Fire (medium), Creeping Death (hot), and The Unforgiven (Extremely hot). All are served with one’s choice of carrots and celery or crinkle cut fries on the side.

“Crinkle cut fries are the best kind of fries,” Eddie states. “Ain’t that right, chef?”

“Ay ay!”

One chef. For the entire back of the house. Though that seems like the textbook definition of a staff shortage, the friendly Latino man with long, black hair that he concealed with a hairnet and baseball cap most likely had it covered. He flashes you a kind grin with kind, hooded eyes to match, quite possibly revealing to you that he’s likely stoned out of his mind. But if it helps him through the shift…

“Argyle’s the man,” Eddie explains. “Pitched the chicken wing idea to me when we were both blasted.”

Suspicions confirmed.

“Is it just Argyle?” you inquire waving hello to him.

“Sometimes Eds helps out back here too,” Argyle answers for him. “Like when we’re really fucking shlammed, he’ll come back here and help cook.”

Argyle turns to you. You smile at him.

“But most of the time I got it,” he says. “That man’s got enough on his plate.”

“Yeah, Argyle’s a beast,” Eddie confirms. “Don’t know what I’d do without him.”

While Eddie tidies up back of the house, you and Argyle converse with one another. He’s 28, produces music on the side, and learned how to cook from his mom at the age of three. California native as well. By observing the mini station he has set up, you notice that Argyle keeps a stash of Yerba Mate with him at all times, and some bud in his mini gym bag. You also learn that he and Eddie often take breaks together, hot boxing one another’s vans as if it were some sort of competition. But, as Argyle had mentioned, with how much Eddie currently has on his plate, those joint breaks (no pun intended) have been pushed to the backburner.

“It’s so nice to meet you, Hargrove,” Argyle concludes. “Excited to have you on our team.”

“Likewise!” you shake his hand with a smile. “Looking forward to bugging you for chicken wings.”

“You bug me all you want, mamas,” he insists. “I’ll make you allll the chicken wings in the world.”

“You a flats girl or a drumstick girl?” Eddie questions.

“Flats,” you respond instantly.

You receive a distraught gasp from the cook while Eddie cackles.

“Atta girl,” Eddie smirks patting your back. “I knew I liked you.”

“BLAS.PHE.MY!” Argyle screams. “Drumsticks are where it’s at bro.”

The three of you argue back and forth about chicken for the next couple of minutes, Eddie sticking beside you through and through. Though play-fighting with your new coworkers seems meniscal in the grand scheme of things, you reveled in it. It’s the first time in a while you felt a sense of community outside your sister. You wanted to savor it, especially since you know that this is temporary.

“You’re a red flag, Hargrove,” Argyle jokes, clutching his chest. “You were perfect in my eyes until you said you were a flats girl.”

“Well it’s a good thing she’s mine and not yours,” Eddie jeers.

Your heart flutters. Eddie and chicken wings. You’ve GOT to be in heaven.

“Alright, word,” Argyle calls after Eddie as he pulls you away from the kitchen. “Word. I’m still gonna spoil her with food like she’s mine though.”

“He’s such a flirt,” Eddie says to you once you’re both out of earshot. “Endearing and endangering at the same time.”

“All in good nature right?”

“‘Course!” he exclaims. “We’re all about respecting women at Hellfire. Everything’s lighthearted banter.”

And you’ll revel in that too. Especially since ‘respect’ and ‘lighthearted banter’ weren’t things you were able to experience at home.

“Also!” Eddie adds. “Respectfully… Wear something simple but classy on Friday.”

“Ooh,” you chime. “Simple and classy?”

“Yeah, I’m talking neutral tones. Red lipstick also preferred but you can do whatever you want. I’ve got something I need you to do for me on your very first day.”

I’ll do anything for you, Eddie. Your intrusive thoughts are starting to take over.

———————𓆩♡𓆪—————-

It’s Friday night now and everyone is in their respective stations preparing for the rush. Argyle is prepping the fryer while Chrissy flirts with him for nachos. She waves at you with her fingers and gestures that you can have some too. You smile and mouth a, “thank you” to her.

You really like Chrissy. Of all the dancers you’ve seen so far, she is the most memorable. She is charming and sweet, soft but firm with her boundaries. She has regulars lining up for her daily, all with different types of quirks and interests. But Chrissy somehow fits all of their molds, just by how fast she can switch from doe to siren depending on her audience. You want to be just like her.

You and Eddie stop by the kitchen before heading off to finish orientation. There are chicken wings — flats only, of course — on the line waiting for you with a note scribbled on the back of an old ticket order.

“Shy Girl<3”

“Eat up, mamas,” Argyle encourages you. “Gonna need the energy for tonight.”

“Yeah!” Chrissy cheers. “It’s Fridaaay!”

You thank them before heading out with Eddie once again. Eddie steals a flat from you and flashes a thumbs up to the cook before you two leave.

“Mm,” he approves. “Fight Fire with Fire Buffalo.”

You are just about done with wrapping up orientation training and ready to start the first night on your own. That is until Mike Wheeler, Nancy’s younger brother and bus boy, comes along and interrupts Eddie’s train of thought. You walk with Eddie in silence, munching on your food while Mike relentlessly hounds him about bringing his girlfriend into the club. She is 18 but Eddie is refusing.

“But but-” Mike stammers. “The club is already eighteen plu-”

“But nothing,” Eddie interrupts. “This is Hellfire Club. Not babysitting club.”

“Well I’m 19 and you let me work here. Why does it matter if she’s 18?”

“Because you’re a dude, Wheeler,” Eddie hisses in return. “It’s different for the ladies.”

Not willing to risk any liabilities, he leaves Mike with just that. You follow Eddie, fiddling nervously with your hands as you watch him tsk and shake his head in disapproval.

“I can’t have teenage girls in here,” Eddie mutters. “That’s just blatantly obvious right? Or have I lost it?”

“No, right. Totally!” you agree.

Eddie has another rule. No strippers under the age of 20. Anyone under, including ages of 18 and 19 are children to him. He admits that he gets squeamish when guys bring their younger looking girlfriends into the club. You assume it pertained to his colleague’s girlfriends too.

You walk past the bar with Eddie, waving hi to Jonathan as you did so. Dustin is at the bar as well but is too busy to say hello. You manage to glance over and watch him fix his hair, trying to look his absolute best while FaceTiming his Mormon e-girl from Utah, Suzie. After eavesdropping for the past couple of days, you pick up that she insists on video chatting with Dustin every time he is at Hellfire to ensure his fidelity. Suzie wanted to be his “only wifey” to which ‘Dusty Bun’ assures her that she is.

“Uh oh,” comes a voice ever so soft it sounds eerie when it echoes through the club. “Someone’s in a bad mood today.”

Slithering into your periphery is the same tall, lean guy that you ran into earlier last week. Today he's sporting a white tank top that revealed a couple small tattoos scattered around his body, black pants that were tight enough to be yours, a loose wallet chain belt, and chunky work docs. His gorgeous blonde hair looks attainably messy by what you suspect is mousse. He smells of beer and cigarettes tonight, his tired eyes a precursor to his lust-filled gaze. A poster boy for all the men you wouldn’t want to bring home to your parents is none other than,

“Henry Creel,” Eddie says. “Mike’s just picking a bone with me. Have you met Hargrove? She’s our newest dancer.”

It’s seemingly Henry’s first day back. From the first day of orientation to now, you’ve only had run-ins with Jim, the older gentleman who is also a bouncer. Jim spent years with the Hawkins PD, but after a scandal that only Eddie and his peers seem to know about, Jim found a home protecting young women at the Hellfire Gentlemen’s Club. The only place that gave him a chance.

You like Jim. You like everyone here. You are also ecstatic to see Henry again, this time as a dancer. You can see the excitement blooming in his eyes, with a steady increase in his pupil size by the second.

“Well, well,” Henry smirks. “Look who decided to join us.”

You two shake hands again.

“Henry’s my other bouncer,” Eddie explains, but you already knew that. “He’s my right hand man. He’s tiny but mighty. Could snap bones in an instant.”

You peer over at Henry with shocked eyes, to which Henry acknowledges with a dramatic bow.

“You’ll see it,” Eddie hovers a hand over your back. “I sure hope not anytime soon, but there’s always that one douchebag.”

“And they always underestimate me too,” Henry says. “I get a nice kick out of it. It’s a win-win.”

Henry is certainly not beefy, but judging by his muscle tone and sharp upright demeanor, he can put up a fight. Dude seems like he does a lot of the dirty work for Eddie. He can get away with it too.

After bidding ‘see you later’ to Henry, you continue walking with Eddie.

“So,” he starts. “Did you put together a cute simple outfit for tonight?”

“Mhm,” you nod.

“Good,” Eddie says. “I can tell it’s gonna look amazing. I dig the red lipstick and the choker.”

Eddie wanted classy so you gave him classy. Underneath the cloak, you are sporting a lacy black set with a matching black choker and classic red lipstick. Your hair is straightened tonight since beach waves are your signature.

“You want a sneak peak?” you smirk.

Eddie quirks up. “Oh man, do I? Let me at it.”

You take off your cloak to reveal what you have underneath.

Eddie stops in his tracks, taking in the sight in front of him. His gaze is both soft, yet lout. Delicate in the brows, yet carnivorous in the eyes. Slowly, his jaw lowers, uttering a silent gasp as he fully processes the sight of the vixen — you — in front of him.

“Jeez…” he strains. “You look…”

You blush. Electricity whirls through you as Eddie continues to relish in your beauty.

“Showstopping,” Eddie finishes.

He reaches his arms out and you take them, letting yourself fall into his chest as he pulls you to him. During the embrace, he sets his lips beside your cheek, brushing against them delicately as he gives you a verbal kiss.

“Mwah!” he exclaims, leaving you longing for a stronger peck. You feel like you’re on a cloud when he spins you to get a full 360 of your look. “I was expecting like a light color, or pastel…but black — black is your color.”

“Yeah?” you reply. “It’s not too edgy? Choker and all?”

“A lil rough around the edges won’t hurt,” the club owner approves. “He’s gonna love it.”

You follow closely behind. “He?”

Your first client. You had a feeling that’s what Eddie had planned for you today, but reality didn’t sit in until right now.

"Ever given a lap dance before?" Eddie inquires.

"Yeah, but not in this setting."

He seems amused with your answer. Eddie smirks as he gives you a nudge. "Perfect."

You two are walking down the corridor now, down to an isolated room at the end masked by a beaded curtain. You’re unsure if the goosebumps that form on your skin is because of the slight chilliness of the club or because you were walking into a seductive hideout with the boss you had the hots for.

You two stop just a yard short of the curtain. Eddie turns to face you.

"I've got a buddy named Steve. Not short for anything, his parents just... loved the 80s." he chuckles. “You’re giving him a private show tonight. One hour.”

Eddie’s buddy. The pressure is on. The name rings a bell, you believe Dustin was talking about him the first day you set foot in Hellfire.

“Oh,” you say. “I think I heard your friend Dustin talking about him last week.”

As if it were some inside joke, Eddie sighs and rolls his eyes.

“Oh, yeah,” Eddie mutters. “Don’t even get me started on those two.”

Eddie motions you forward, extending his arm to signal an “after you” gesture as you proceed into the private show room. The beads of the curtain carelessly clash into one another as Eddie saunters in.

"Anyway, Steve has been going through it lately. His lady left him for another dude, he lost his job because the city wanted another basic coffee shop instead of a place to rent cheesy B movies…and the last time he worked in the food industry he had to wear a sailor’s uniform, so he’s since opted out.”

You wander around what was going to be your office for the next hour as Eddie aimlessly takes his own path and furthers his lay-down.

“His folks want nothing to do with him because he doesn't wanna be nepotized by them. When he’s not working, he’s babysitting — you guessed it — Dustin and the rest of the boys when they’re not here or playing D&D with me. Oh yeah, and on the topic of girlfriend, he hasn't gotten laid in a fat minute.”

Eddie pauses.

"It's kinda depressing,” he says. “Now that I say it all out loud.”

He makes a sharp turn and walks toward the boombox he kept in the corner of the room.

"That is depressing," you mumble nonchalantly, as if you yourself had not been laid in a fat minute… contrary to your obnoxious brother’s popular belief.

“How do you sleep at night knowing you’re a fucking slut?” Billy’s voice haunts you.

You’ve only had one real boyfriend and Billy knew that. And that boyfriend, shortly after he left you for the girl he told you not to worry about, admitted that you were simply a placeholder for him. They’re happily married now and it tortures you knowing that being the first choice was never in the cards. Billy knew that too and used that backstory to fuel your insecurities. Billy knew you hated feeling used, yet brought it up every chance he got. Making his victims feel small, that was the source of his power. You shudder it off.

You watch as Eddie plays around with the boombox, ensuring that the aux chord was working along with all its other components.

"Tell you what," Eddie begins to barter. "You give him a good show, you can keep a hundred percent of your tips tonight. Consider it a sign on bonus."

“Wow, Eddie really?” you exclaim. “That…helps me out a lot. Thanks so much.

“Of course, doll,” Eddie grins. “Happy to help.”

Eddie finishes up tidying the room before walking back over to you.

“I can’t get over how amazing you look,” he adds one last time. “You’re gonna knock his socks off.”

“Thank you, Eddie,” you thank him one last time.

“You’re welcome, sweetheart.”

He lingers for a while longer before going outside to look for Steve. Meanwhile, heart’s-a-fluttering you try to acquaint yourself with the place, choosing a seductive song of your liking before getting prepped.

Wicked Games by The Weeknd.

More ruckus sounds from outside of the show room. You assume your client has arrived.

“That’s the boy,” Eddie confirms. “BRB-right back.”

You excuse your boss as he makes his way over to his friend. While you wait, your mind begins to race. Does your outfit look okay? Does your breath smell? Do you smell? Despite all the wardrobe and wellness checks you’ve done, your mind is insistent that something else was off. To calm your nerves, you decide to take a quick gulp of Bombay Sapphire, a gin Eddie had provided for the room, before Steve walks in.

Liquid courage. May help with the performance too.

“There he is,” Eddie cheers as the two men greet each other outside. “What took you so long?”

“There was uh, traffic,” a softer voice responds.

“I call bull.”

The two talk a bit more, voices too quiet for you to make out what they’re saying. That, or the sound of your heart pounding against your chest drowned out their conversation. Steve sounds friendly. Timid, but friendly nonetheless.

You listen in on Eddie’s spiel about you. He called you stunning, explained that you just moved from California, and that you are exactly Steve’s type. Whatever that could possibly mean. You then hear Eddie go over the rules. No touching you without consent. No verbal or physical harassment. No sexual intercourse. And to tip generously.

“She sounds lovely. Thanks for the run down, Eds.”

“‘Course. She’s all yours, Big Boy.”

The beaded curtains clash once more.

In walks a man around Eddie’s age, late 20s, early 30s with sleek mahogany hair and slight puffy eyes. He’s sporting a gray North Face sleeveless jacket with a plain black shirt underneath and denim blue Levi’s. He’s a lot more preppy than you thought he would be. Steve’s reaction to you was similar to that of Eddie, despite how different they seem from each other.

“Hi,” he greets you.

“Hi,” you smile. “You’re Steve?”

He nods shyly. “You’re who they call Shy Girl?”

“That’s meee.”

It doesn’t take a body language analyst to see that Steve is guarded. It takes another fragile, sullen demeanor to know one.

“Are you one of Eddie’s shy friends?”

The comment earns a laugh from Steve. “You think I’m shy?”

“Just a little.”

He attempts to mask a gulp. “I’ve just never gotten a lap dance before.”

“You think I’m supposed to believe that?”

You stalk towards him and rest a hand on his chest when proximity and Steve himself grants you permission. You sink your palm in deeper when you pick up he’s receptive to it.

Oh yeah, that’s all gin.

“With your handsome self?”

Steve’s blushing now. “Yeah…strip clubs are kinda not my thing. They’re starting to be though, cuz I always come and support Eddie.”

“What a nice boyfriend,” you joke.

“Eddie and I do have a budding bromance,” he admits with a laugh.

“Boy I’d love to be in the middle of that,” you tease him honestly.

Steve is left stunned and speechless while you grab his hand and lead him to the futon in the middle of the room. He attempts to relax, exhaling the tension out of his shoulders and manspreading as he watches you encompass him. You walked in a slow circle around Steve as the music starts and he peers up at you with curious eyes. Alas, you stop in front of him, cupping his face softly in your hands and synchronizing your hip movements to the rhythm of the song.

Relate to your customers. Talk to them. Build a connection with them, you think to yourself.

“So how’s your day been?”

Steve cracks a faint smile. "Good, how's yours?"

"Good," you chime as you slowly lower yourself onto his lap.

Steve sharply inhales, sucking the tension he had just released right back into his body. You shake your head in disapproval and stroke his face calmly.

“No, no,” you coo. “Just sit back, relax. You’re safe with me.”

“I’m safe with you, huh?” he responds in an is-that-so kind of fashion. “You seem like pure danger to me.”

“Oh, please,” you snarkily disregard his comment. “I’m an angel.”

“In a place called Hellfire?” he challenges you. “I find that hard to believe.”

Steve wants to touch you. So bad. But he refrains. You feel it in his levitating palms, resting just inches away from the small of your back. You start to lightly ride his thigh, hoping to catch his palm in passing as you move your hips about. Instead you’re met with something hard at the base of his pants, an outline and protrusion that wasn’t there before.

Steve looks down and acknowledges it with a shrug.

"Sorry," he chuckles. "It has a mind of its own."

You laugh faintly in return. "It's okay. I'd say it's responding appropriately."

"Yeah?"

"Given the circumstances," you say as you grind slower, deeper. "Yeah."

"Well, that's a relief."

Steve is cute. And a polite man who values your consent was sure to receive it. You two lock gazes before one of you dared to speak again. It all feels like a blind date, and you’re two giddy young adults.

"You..." you start. “You can touch me if you’d like.”

"Really?" Steve asks. "Usually dancers don't let you do that."

"It depends who you ask," you smile. "Consent is subjective...and you have mine. C'mon."

He obliges and starts to graze your ass softly with his hands. You run his hands through his hair, then along his neck without lifting them. A muffled moan is slowly released from his mouth.

"Shit," he sputters. "Feels really good."

He tosses his head back.

"You make me feel so good."

"Aww," you grin. "Me?"

"Yeah you," his voice is deeper now. Huskier. "All because of you."

His hand moves upwards towards your bra and he begins to fiddle with the straps, and then the clasps. You continue your steady grinding, rolling your hips to the beat of the music, tossing your head back for the full effect while Steve holds back the urge to cup your perfect breasts in his kneady hands.

A whimper escapes Steve’s mouth when you find the sweet place to roll, resting a palm over his abdomen for leverage.

“Needy, are we?” you tease him. “Needy for me, Stevie?”

“So fucking needy,” he breathes, a nervous gulp swallowing another sneaky groan. “You’re gonna be the death of me, woman.”

I’ve got my heart right here, I’ve got my scars right here.

Suddenly, you cease the grinding, going from cowgirl to reverse. Grabbing a hold of both his knees with the back of both your hands, you sink down to the floor, knees bent, slightly out turned. Your hands move from his knees to encompass his elbows, accommodating the playful headlock he abruptly decided to have you in, watching you squat down beneath him.

“Mmm,” he hums. “You’re so fucking pretty, baby.”

His arms creep from the sides of your face to the front of your face. You crane your head upwards, peering up at him and refrain from shivering when he brings an arm across your neck. His other hand rests on your face, stroking it tenderly.

“Get up here and, ride my thighs again, please.” he pleads. “It was feeling so good.”

“Okay,” you oblige before standing back up.

“Before you do though, let me get a good look at your ass.”

You stand there for him, bending down ever so slightly so he could run his hands across your back. He grabs a fist full of your hair gently with one hand and strokes your ass cheek with the other.

"Wow," Steve hums as he runs his fingers along the birth mark on your lower back. "I like this birthmark."

"Yeah?" you say. "Some people have said it looks like a tramp stamp."

"It's cute," Steve insists, pulling you onto his lap. “It kinda looks like a bat."

He points to where the wings would be and the fangs and you laugh. No one's admired your tramp stamp-esque birthmark the way Steve did.

"Thanks," you reply. "My brother has a matching one."

You pause.

"Sorry, that didn't sound all that sexy."

Steve tosses his head back and chuckles, hand resting firmly on your ass again. "You look sexy talking regardless, so I don’t mind.”

The chemistry between you and Steve feels so natural. You know if your nurturing heart felt like this with all clients you would be in big trouble. This profession isn’t for everyone and you realize that. But you decide to realize everything else later. Meanwhile, your focus right now is pleasing Steve.

You resume the thigh riding per his request, and chase your own subtle high as you did so. Steve whimpers and whines, seeming to long for you even more with every stroke of his hair, every brush against his cheek, every steady and calculated grind against his—

"Woah, are you okay?"

Suddenly you’re cut off by Steve abruptly pushing you off his lap. When you peer over at him, his face has gone completely red.

Did you do something wrong? Did you violate a boundary? Millions of thoughts race through your head. You can’t get fired on the first day of your new job…

"Y-yeah, I'm fine, I just..." Steve stammers, flushing a deeper red hue with every word. “I... uh, kinda came in my pants."

"Oh..." you begin.

"I am so sorry," Steve sighs. "Embarrassed is an understatement. I’m such a loser.”

You two start frantically talking over each other, one extremely apologetic, another sympathetic to the concerns. Again, it’s like you two are clumsy young adults on a blind date set up by your bold friends.

"It's been a while... so..." Steve stammers.

"Steve," you stop him.

"And..." he cuts out.

"It's okay," you reassure him. “It’s okay, Steve. If you need a break, we can stop.”

“Sounds good,” he agrees with a resigned sigh, the red colored flush migrating to his ears. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

You go to put your cloak back on again and strut towards the gin. Perhaps offering the man a drink would help loosen up his nerves.

"What should we do with the allotted time left?" Steve wonders eyes following you. He’s rubbing his knees anxiously with his palms. “Eddie has this room booked for an hour. He needs to think you're doing splits on my dick or something or else he won't be satisfied."

Laughter erupts from the deepest parts of your belly at Steve's comment. Steve can't help but laugh as well.

"Hm, we can wait a bit and I can give you another lap dance?” you suggest. “Or a strip tease?"

You weren't used to those words coming out of your mouth, so you attempted to make it sound as normal as possible. Wow, you really just gave a lap dance. And someone came from it.

"Do you think..." Steve inquires. "That we can just... talk?"

----

So you and Steve do exactly that. You talk about your families, and your aspirations, your deepest fears, and your core values. Steve Harrington isn’t the loser he thinks he is. He’s a really cool guy. But deeply misunderstood.

“So you and your brother have similar birthmarks?” Steve questions.

“Yeah,” you confirm. “Except his is on his belly. We literally took the term identical twins to a whole new level.”

He laughs.

“Your brother sounds cool.”

“He was.”

Steve gasps in astonishment.

“Oh, my god. I’m sorry. Is he…”

“He’s not dead. Just an asshole.”

The color returns to his face. He exhales steadily and shakes his head. You find his reaction funny, despite how twisted that made you sound.

“Dead to you though?”

“Pretty much,” you giggle. “Dead to me.”

You two do a cheers to that with your alcohol-filled glasses and take another painful sip. It burns.

“Tell me about yourself now,” you prompt him.

There’s a dramatic pause.

“Well,” Steve begins. “I’m an only child. So eyes have been on me for as long as I can remember. What’s Stevie up to? This is what we expect of him and this is what happens if he’s not what we make him out to be. It didn’t take til young adulthood to realize that I have been living in my parents’ shadow. I don’t even know what I like.”

Steve spurs on about how he has struggled with his identity, going back and forth between if what he was pursuing was a desire of his or his parents’.

“And for a while I thought I knew who Steve was. Until I lost myself again in a girl named Nancy.”

“Aw,” you pout.

“A girl,” Steve pauses waiting for you to catch on. “Named Nancy.”

Your eyes widen. “House Mom Nancy?!”

Steve nods as you slowly piece things together.

“So Jonathan’s girlfriend is your…”

“Ex girlfriend,” Steve confirms. “Small world, huh?”

You suppose it wasn’t good that Hawkins is so small. You’d hate for someone to recognize you when you’re taking a casual stroll outside.

Nonetheless, you push that concern to the side and continue your conversation with Steve.

“What happened?”

“Some petty high school shit,” he explains. “But it’s always been her. She made me a better me. The closest to Steve that I’ve ever felt.”

“Wow,” you say. “So you saw a future with her?”

“Marriage, kids, everything,” Steve confirms. “Then she decided I wasn’t what — who — she wanted.”

It’s silent for a while. Steve shakes his head bitterly and downs the rest of his drink. You slosh yours around waiting for him to speak again. Besides, if you did, you’d end up ugly crying about your ex. And no one wants their stripper trauma dumping on them when they’re supposed to be performing.

Thankfully, Steve is the first to speak again.

“Yeah, Nance. She looks… she looks happy,” he turns to you with dismal eyes. “I don’t ever wanna get in the way of that.”

“Do you ever see her here?”

He shakes his head. “Nah, she’s in the back being House Mom, making sure all the girls are taken care of and all that. And I’m sure she doesn’t come up front because she knows Eddie has been trying to play wingman.”

You chuckle. “With a stripper?”

“With anyone,” Steve chuckles. “God that sounds awful. I sound like a loser.”

“Would you stop saying that?” you snap. “You are not a loser, Steve.”

“I know I’m not a loser. Just feel like it sometimes. Especially when it dawns on you that you’ve been living life for other people.”

“I kinda know how you feel.”

You two lock eyes again. Steve rests a hand on top of yours, intertwining your fingers briefly before he begins playing with each of your fingers one by one.

"I guess…going back to the previous topic…” he proceeds. “If I could change anything about myself, I would've done more of what Steve wants to do. Not what Todd and Marsha want Steve to do. Or what Tommy H. and Carol want Steve to do. Because maybe then Nancy and I would’ve been endgame. Or maybe Allison. Possibly Tammy? Who knows? See? Everyone’s world but Steve’s.”

"Steve," you start. "I hope you realize that I have no idea who any of these people are. It’s kinda hard to keep up.”

"And that is such a relief to hear that," he sighs again, this time in exasperation. "I just feel so free talking about them to someone who doesn't know who they are. Hawkins is small, you know. And it’s good that the only bias you can form is in my favor since you only know of me."

You offer him a consoling pat atop the hand, to which he responds by leaning his head on your shoulder. With how tender everything has been with Steve, there’s a temptation to plant a delicate kiss on his forehead. But you stop yourself.

"I'd like to know you, know you, though,” you find yourself saying.

He gazes up at you. You two smile at each other.

“I’d like to know you more too, Shy Girl,” he answers. “If you’d let me.”

“Duh, it’s what I just said.”

He chuckles. “You’re not saying that for the tips?”

“No. Just human to human.”

You stroke his cheek longingly, running your hand along his stubble.

"It's also been a while since I've gotten laid too," you admit. "And I've got a lot of pent up stress I need to release. You seem like a trustworthy person to do that with.”

The energy changes. Steve’s grip on your hand tightens.

"Oh yeah?" He rubs your thumb with his and soon you find yourselves holding hands.

"Yeah.”

“Sounds like we have a deal then, Shy Girl.”

Before Steve gets any ideas, you interrupt him.

“I don't wanna have sex at work," you admit. "Especially not on the clock."

"Oh, yeah I didn’t think it’d be now. Some people do find that hot though.”

"It's my first day. I can’t disappoint Eddie this early in the game.”

"You're kidding."

You shake your head.

"Wow, I would've thought you've been doing this a while."

You blush. "Thank you. But nope, you’re my Guinea pig.”

Steve continues to gawk in amazement. Then he reaches for his wallet, grabbing a huge wad of Benjamin Franklins and handing it to you.

"Tell you what," Steve bargains. "You buy yourself something nice, get your bills paid, and come through in a couple days. The roomie won't be home so we'll have the place to ourselves. We can get takeout or something too. Whatever makes you comfortable, of course.”

You bite your lip. "I'd like that."

“Good. I’d like that too.”

———-

"So, how was it?" you hear Eddie ask Steve.

"Dude...I just about creamed my pants," he says as you hold back laughter. "You got yourself a good one."

"Nothing's ever too TMI for you, Harrington," Eddie says. "But thanks for the imagery."

"Yeah. I gotta get going now. I got laundry to put away at home. It's been piling so much I think it's going to tip over."

“Roger,” Eddie says before bidding him goodbye. “Oh, speaking of which, did you tip her good?”

“You bet I did. Woman like her needs to be spoiled rotten.”

————

You make your way back to the dressing room after saying bye to Steve and finishing the flats Argyle had specially made for you. At your locker, you subtly attempt to count the hundreds Steve gave you for his lap dance and talk session. The man left you 10 of them. A whole band.

You were stunned. What did King Steve do for a living anyways? It didn’t matter to you. You had enough for groceries, gas, and a portion of your rent, all earned in an hour’s work, and all yours to keep as Eddie insisted.

The realization makes your heart skip a beat. You and your sister were good for the next few weeks.

Knock, knock.

“Don’t freak out ladies, it’s just me!” Eddie shouts from the other side of the door. “Put your cloaks on I’m coming in!”

You watch as the girls scurry to get their covers back on. The amount of respect Eddie has for his dancers is insane. Perhaps it’s common decency but it was such a striking difference than what you were used to. It warmed your heart in a way, but also made you sad. You deserved this respect all your life.

When Eddie finds you, he starts towards you, a look of approval spread wide across his face. As deeply as you wanted it to be because he found you attractive, you infer that it’s because you’re bringing in good business — and that you’re good, given a small amount of experience with the pole.

You two are face to face now. Eddie speaks up first.

“Steve, uh,” he says. “Steve really likes you.”

“Oh really?” you smile. “I’m glad.”

“You’re just a natural, Shy Girl,” he compliments you. “Everyone’s just raving about you.”

“Yeah?”

“Based on what I’ve seen so far and what Stevie told me, yeah,” he confirms. “But I guess it’s no surprise. Shy girls are almost always the freakiest, huh?”

You try not to laugh while you’re witnessing the imagination of your boss running in the complete opposite direction of what really happened between you and Steve. Nevertheless, you let him. You didn’t mind taking up space in your dashing boss’s mind.

“You should come to work a little early next time you’re on,” Eddie says. “I’d like to take you to lunch.”

Heat spreads across your cheeks. “Really?”

“‘Course! I do it with all my dancers as a welcome thing. I’d like to know more about you. You’re more than just a pretty face and someone who simply works for me.”

‘I do it with all my dancers.’

Your heart sinks. Back to square one.

Eddie clears his throat.

“Anyway,” he says. “I’m gonna head out now. Gonna go see the lady friend. I’ve got Johnny boy, Argyle, and Henry holding down the fort.”

The tinge in your heart intensifies.

“Oh, sounds fun!”

“Yeah, I rarely see her cuz she bartends. Even though we work similar hours we work opposite days. But she got first cut tonight so I’m heading over.”

“Have fun, Eddie.”

“I sure will,” Eddie says. “Goodnight, Shy Girl.”

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

Eddie soon disappears out of sight and now your shift seems ten times longer. Regardless, you stuff your tips into your tote bag and prepare to meander around the club, enticing other bachelors for a dance.

Without Eddie around, it seems less exciting.

“Doing it for Max,” you remind yourself while fixing your hair in the mirror in front of you.

You reach for your phone to see the amount of time that has transpired since the private show with Steve. But the clock wasn’t your concern when your Home Screen lights up.

Your heart nearly sinks to the floor.

Billy Hargrove

1 Missed Call

Billy Hargrove

iMessage: 1 message

You open it.

What the actual fuck.

[eightfifteen]

what I find interesting about the core 4 is that they're introduced to us through the absence of Will.

We get the first scene where we get a feel for the group dynamic and how they all interact with one another, but from that point on, we're introduced to Mike, Lucas, and Dustin's personalities through how they react to Will going missing.

Dustin

Dustin is the curious, optimistic and smart one - trying to a, pretend it's not happening or not as bad as it seems (getting into semantics about Mirkwood, getting caught up in El being a girl, joking at the funeral) and b, by trying to take control of the situation (always smartmouthing, getting snappy about the compasses etc). This amps up the more shit happens - he gets closer to Steve because they can joke around, he starts getting snappier and more know-it-all-y (as steve and eddie point out), and kind of disappears when shit starts happening again by getting caught up in other things/distracting himself (focusing on Max in s2, getting caught in the russian mystery in s3, etc).

Hell, even his girlfriend is long-distance and not involved in any of it so he can escape Hawkins by talking to her. Also reflected by them singing neverending story in the s3 finale like they aren't battling a huge gore creature. This is why next season is going to be so interesting, because this time, Dustin saw Eddie die. There's no escaping that anymore, the horror caught up with him and it's going to be so interesting to see how he's going to cope with that now.

2. Lucas

Lucas on the other hand, gets frustrated and angry. He just wants things to go back to the way they were so he's really focused on getting Will back and wants to get it over with as quickly as possible - snapping at Dustin when he tries to derail the conversation, getting annoyed at the El drama when they just need to find Will, etc. He matures the quickest through all of this, I feel, which is also why he's the quickest to let go of DnD, tries to find himself through other interests like basketball etc. He can't pretend it isn't happening, but he's trying to right everything as quickly as possible. He actively fights back against it.

Caleb mentioned in the s4 aftershow that Lucas' happy ending is if none of it had ever happened so his happy ending is just finding a place for it and being able to move on - and i think that just perfectly encapsulates Lucas. Like, obviously that would be the best for everyone, but Lucas specifically is already trying to let everything that happened behind him as quickly as possible. He gets a girlfriend and wants to grow up quickly, just like Mike except successfully, and in s4 he tries to reinvent himself in High School, leaving all the trauma behind as much as he can. Which is also probably why he struggles with being there for Max at first, before realizing that he'd rather go through the horrors again than lose Max. Really excited for tired and fed-up Lucas next season.

3. Mike

Just like we get to know Dustin and Lucas through Will's disappearance, because that really is just the center of the show, we learn about Mike.

We immediately see that he's the most quiet and withdrawn one while learning about Will's disappearance, while also being the one to realize he's not at school in the first place. He's really trusting to the point it's naive, but he also gets frustrated easily especially when distraught (as we also see in s2 with Max while he's missing El). He's so stubborn, especially when it comes to his friends. He clearly 'gets into his own head' (Finn's own words) a lot, and especially in these moments of tragedy (like during the police interview, after finding Will's 'body', in the hospital, immediately after El disappeared etc).

As soon as he actually has something to do, like find Will in the woods or use El's powers to save him, that's when he thrives and takes on this leader role. Which is in my opinion, another reason why El and Mike don't really go together, and why Mike will always feel useless or like he's not getting it right - when he's with El, she's the one in control, she's the one fighting, and he just has to stand to the side. He can't break out of his own head.

But when it's Will, even though he can't actually do anything, he can still be there for him and help in meaningful ways just by being there. He knows Will needs him and he knows how to be there for him, and that's when his mind is clearest. Even in s4 we see that - he's blinded when he's with El, can't do it right, doesn't know what's going on, but when it comes to Will, he immediately finds clarity and knows how to talk to him and open up about how Will is feeling but also how he is feeling.

4. Will

Similarly, we learn about Will through his absence. We learn that he's open and genuine, that he's smart and strong and happy. The group is out of balance without him, and we can tell that Will used to be their mediator (confirmed in s2 during the argument about Halloween costumes). He's unafraid to talk about what he likes with the group and to be himself, even if the group doesn't agree (that 'weird song' that he likes, begging to play DnD even though Lucas and Mike clearly don't want to, etc). And we learn that Mike used to have a more caring role towards him, that he was the focus of Mike's need to care and watch over and protect, as this hole gets filled the moment they find El.

4. Season 5 - the return to core 4

I'm really excited to see the core 4 in season 5, because it will be the first season (not counting the battle of starcourt) where they're all working together. the group has always been split, so it's going to be really interesting to see how they all get along together. Especially now they've all changed so much.

[beinfriends-a]

( I think I always meant to talk about Eoforwine’s family at some length for quite a long time; for a long time the family was quite generic and not really well-developed, but I actually really do think about them a lot-- primarily his wife, whom he currently does not recall, unfortunately.  While I doubt any of them would ever pop up here (aside from in modern verse, maybe?  But I’m still working out some kinks in the details WRT the family situation) because For is separated from them by a margin of, oh... a thousand or so years, I still think it’s worth at least discussing them a bit?  I also have always considered possibilities where For could find them and bring them here to Nowhere, but that’s irrelevant for the time being.

I finally wound up listing the names of his wife and children on For’s about just a little while ago, and so I’m certain few, if anyone have noticed it.  For’s family was as follows: his wife Saoirse, his elder daughter Eoforhilde, and his younger son Rowan.  Yes, he named his daughter after himself JKBSD.  It isn’t like he didn’t connect with both his kids, but I think he especially clicks with Hilde, always has, so he picked that name because he saw himself in her.  Saoirse picked Rowan’s name, so it evens out that they both picked a name they liked.

As to how For met Saoirse in the first place, I kind of picked out a story about a warrior who briefly appears in Beowulf who happens to have the name Eofor.  Utterly coincidental, which is funny because me reading Beowulf is what inspired me to give For his backstory and his Old English name, but I didn’t remember that Eofor was a character that appears in Beowulf till I reread it sometime later.  So the story of Eofor, whom is related to Beowulf as... his cousin’s husband I think, is essentially that he helped the king (Hygelac I think?) get revenge on the Swedish king for killing the king’s brother, who was the previous king.  And because Eofor personally personal killed the Swedish king and avenged the king’s brother, the king let Eofor marry his daughter.

So I kinda liked that.  But I just figured... For went to Cloverland / Ireland, because Saoirse is Irish and not English, and at some point is employed by Saoirse’s father to do him a big favor like that.  Though I think Saoirse and For always kinda took to each other and got along, I don’t think For would have had the chance to marry her had he not gotten her dad’s good graces.  He isn’t exactly rich or has much to offer in terms of status so he’d never have a chance in those times... so he got to have a relationship with someone he really liked and whom liked him back because he got in good with the family.

Saoirse is a very smart woman.  I like the contrast between a really smart, capable woman and a man who isn’t dumb but is more acquainted with practical skills than having an actual education.  For wasn’t exactly high ranking so people like him don’t really receive an education outside of what is necessary.  But he was always pretty smart, just in a different way.  I also like the contrast between a friendly, high energy person and their more low energy, colder person, and I think For and Saoirse fit that bill too.  She’s really not a friendly person or big on people at ALL, so the fact that For kinda found his way into her heart I think says a lot about his likeability and kindness.

I think Saoirse is quite the serious woman, isn’t friendly, doesn’t really like people, but she really opens up around her family and whatever friends she may have made in spite of her coldness.  I think the trope of exasperated nagging wife and the dumb husband could easily befall these two, but I think Saoirse really loves For and is usually on board with whatever he’s doing because she trusts him, and vice versa.  I also think Saoirse is a very powerful PSI user to contrast For, who has no PSI capabilities at all.  She probably kept that under wraps because I doubt most people like PSI users in those days, but For is chill with it.  He just loves his talented wife.

I also have toyed around with the idea of her being some kind of non-human but human-looking entity but that’s an aside.  It really just relates to her being a strong PSI user, basically.

So, For and Saoirse got married pretty young.  For was 18, and Saoirse was 20.  They had Hilde soon after, whom For really connected with.  Hilde is a lot like For, or was back when For was a more high energy person-- he’s very relaxed and calm now.  Hilde honestly reminds me a lot of Claus before all the trauma; impulsive, very energetic and excitable, and not afraid of basically anything.  Dealing with an impulsive child who’s willing to charge into danger stresses For and Saoirse out to the max honestly, but For adores her.  She also listens to For more than Saoirse, so he’s usually left to the task of wrangling her.

Rowan is about two years younger than Hilde.  He takes much more after Saoirse, and is very timid.  He’s not over sensitive, just very cautious more than anything else.  Very quiet, takes more to academic pursuits than anything practical (Hilde is the opposite, naturally) so Saoirse has probably put more into educating Rowan than Hilde at this point.  Rowan also took to PSI early on just like his mother, so she was really thrilled about that, since Hilde didn’t seem to have any affinity for PSI at all.  For probably did his best to try and toughen Rowan a bit, but he also isn’t very harsh about masculinity so he likely didn’t push it all too much when he realized Rowan just kinda... is who he is.

Rowan’ll look quite a bit like For by the time he’s grown up-- except with red hair, since Saoirse is a redhead too.  Hilde’s more of a strawberry blond, but yeah.  I think you would also really see For in Hilde.  Rowan does resemble Saoirse a bit more strongly, though you still see For in him.  I think he’ll also mellow out quite a bit and no longer be timid.  It’s just one of those things he has to grow out of-- and frankly, I think he’ll wind up taking up similar work to For, being some kind of warrior or mercenary type.  Aside from the farming he’d do otherwise.  I’m not sure what Hilde’ll do.  I don’t think she’d like getting married much.

So For disappeared when Hilde was 9 and Rowan was 7.  They’re 16 and 14 now, respectively.  When For disappeared, they obviously all took it pretty hard.  The family was a pretty healthy unit, so losing someone they were all close to and relied on sucks.  Saoirse could hold her own and do what she had to to keep the family safe and happy, but it is miserable being without her best friend.  And it’s sad, because For still doesn’t really remember them.  He knows he has to have had a family and that they’re out there somewhere, but he’s not quite there yet in remembering.  I don’t know how he’ll take it when he remembers.  I’m sure he’ll grieve quite a bit, if only because he doesn’t know how to reunite with them or where they are relative to the timeline.

It’s not impossible to reunite, it’s a matter of For remembering the year and the place properly, which is much more difficult.  I think if For reunited with his family, he and Saoirse probably wouldn’t get back together?  They’d still be very close friends and good co-parents, but I think both of them recognize that they’re in different places and have moved on.  Hilde would probably take right to For again as if no time passed at all, but Rowan would probably take much more time warming up.  He was younger, after all, and didn’t have all too much time with For, but they’d get along soon enough.

Rowan would be a little less timid but still very quiet.  He might be a bit resentful and angry and withdrawn, but hey, he’s a teenager, everyone goes through that.  Hilde, I think, might have turned into a bit of a bully.  I think she means well, but she’s very aggressive and can go way over the line if you let her because she doesn’t really know better or realize the consequences of that?  So she probably bullies Rowan a bit-- and any friends she’d made, she’d do that too (I’ve pictured her meeting Claus and oh fucking boy would she bully the shit out of him despite “liking” him).  So it’d take a lot for For and Saoirse to try and fix those things and set the kids on better tracks.

Also, Saoirse probably discovered that Hilde IS a PSI user, it just took time for her to learn how to use it.  Not a great combo of an impulsive, sometimes destructive girl and PK Fire, you know?  But Saoirse probably started working hard to get Hilde to learn how to control it and teach her some of what she knows.  Saoirse was likely both horrified and thrilled at Hilde being a psychic, so she did her best.  I’m sure For would be shocked to see how everyone is a PSI user in his family, but glad for them.

In the modern verse, I’ve played around with the idea of Saoirse and For being divorced by the time For is about 28-30.  I imagined Saoirse went off back home to Ireland / Cloverland to teach as a professor or... something, and For stayed wherever he stayed-- usually America / Eagleland, after immigrating from Scotland / Foggyland.  But I don’t know how custody of the kids would work, because I do want Hilde to be with For, at least.  I think For might have custody of the kids most of the time, then Saoirse has visitation, essentially-- or vice versa?  Because splitting up custody between two different countries is hard, and they wouldn’t want to split the kids up.

That, or they’re still together, or separated. but Saoirse stays close by so they can equally parent the kids and have equal custody.  For and Saoirse will always be good friends no matter what; they just find that they don’t click romantically like they used to, and it was better this way.  It’d be a very pleasant divorce, quite unusual, I know, but good for the kids. )

[palegengarsiloved]

Utangatta

"You were the only one who knew all my stories. You are the only one who knew about mom."

I re-engaged with Maniac alone armed with distance. After Russian Doll I finally felt like I had the emotional vocabulary to understand what Maniac was going for. The first time I simply absorbed it, uncritically, amniotic, expecting a fairly mindless psychadelic experience with a big-name cast and a tiny-word script. Jonah Hill and Emma Stone are absolutely outstanding, as is the entire cast, but the direction and writing and set design are unexpectedly exacting and wonderful on a level that are comparable with Mad Men or Lost In Translation. I will discuss some thoughts I had about the characters and themes after my Russian Doll-percolated re-watch. *Spoilers below*

Owen, Jonah Hill's character, is dealing with mental health issues, including fixations and the inability to separate reality and hallucinations, and is completely and utterly alone, sexless, inert -- withdrawn into a shell for fear of interacting with a world he doesn't trust to be fully real, unable to talk to women or peers or family in any authentic way after a series (a whole life, really) of errors and blips. To help this, his dreams in the clinical trial revolve around being in interesting and fulfilling and complicated relationships with women (Olivia, the woman he frightened with his first blip/break, who is a representation by the supercomputer to entice him into playing the little roles and 'solving' (and eventually trapping, after the machine breaks) him, and Annie, Emma Stone's character, who is working through her own grief and loneliness). All his dream roles are reluctant stereotypically-masculine projections that he ultimately rejects in part or whole, revealing to himself that he can move away from the toxic masculinity of his father and brother and be a man in his own way. In his last dream he finally confronts and questions the presuppositions and shoddy mental frameworks he has clung to around Olivia, and realizes that she isn't the wound he thought she was; he was his own wound, his poisonous modes of thinking and his complete lack of self-worth were shells placed around the idea of Olivia to maintain his patterns and routines of justifying that he was unlovable.

Annie is dealing with awful family trauma, stuff that put her dad in a self-sustaining capsule, literally sealed from the outside world. She is dealing with her problems through self-medication, bitter toxicity towards everyone and everything around her including herself, and a defeatist attitude to the wage-slave dystopia she is crushed under day after day in every tiny petty interaction. In contrast, her dreams in the trial have her as strong people with big agency and agendas to match - spies, femme fatales, a drunk con artist elf, basically dangerous women who have been deeply wounded or wronged on some level but who persist nevertheless. Owen reveals to her that other human beings still care and are worth fighting for, that friends can still exist as friends and not pill dispensers or faces to yell into or people who will someday die or go away like everyone she has ever loved has. Annie's confrontation and reconciliation is, like Owen's, just as much about herself as it is about a figure from her past. She initially would rather die than be vulnerable to another person after her past trauma, but she realizes that she has been deliberately nursing this idea of her sister as an controlled effigy to burn over and over rather than risking the sometimes-searing warmth of human contact again. However, her journey is interestingly different from Owen's dream-breakthroughs and real-life avoidance: it isn't the shared dreams that truly bond her to Owen, but the impossible idea that Owen actually might be right with his paranoid fixations. The idea that Owen and her might actually be truly connected in some strange cosmic manner. This belief allows her to be vulnerable again in her near-suicidal hollowness, because it allows her to believe in salvation; that she and her sister and her family might all someday be reunited, sterile and plastic and neatly arranged, like the toy diarama that she so often returns to in dreams. The fact that Owen and Annie's physical and eventually metaphysical escape is ultimately achieved through about four different secret plots all running into each other at the same time does not necessarily disprove her.

I think the idea of a supercomputer-aided clinical trial is an interesting thought experiment excuse for a story, much like Russian Doll, which I also adore, in showing that people who are so unbelievably and totally alone and broken can be fixed by looking to one another, even in the face of overwhelming pain and vulnerability and loss, even in the face of a giant omniscient system that has been broken somewhere along the way into thinking that it must kill those it fixes (read: modern healthcare, consumerism-as-medication, capitalism, patriarchal values, toxic masculinity, etc etc). I think Maniac and Russian Doll are, in their own macabre and somber ways, hopepunk - stories of hope and post-post-apocalypse, a finding of a way, in a world that has already largely ended in a fascist-capitalist techno-dystopian eco-armageddon.

Who hasn't struggled with mental health and a full array of personal demons in response to comprehending this world as it is? But in some ways I believe this shape of a story, of individuals who meet under a totalitarian system and still find each other, over and over again, and fight and ultimately sacrifice for each other and themselves, is a blueprint for how to operate in the 21st century and beyond. I believe it is, like Beauvoir and Satre, or Deleuze and Guattari and Foucault, an impassioned advocacy for recognizing the soul in each other and ourselves - a very specific, individual plea that is of course at the same time universally applicable: it is how you choose to operate in the face of certain defeat, the modes of thought you allow to have power over you, the family and friends you choose to retain in a world that tries to always put you in separate capsule beds.

"For people who are supposed to love unconditionally, families sure have a lot of conditions."

Like Russian Doll, the show confidently reuses lines and material and themes, keeps pushing and probing away at them, reworking and reangling their vectors of attack. I like shows that feel truly thought-out and self-contained, variations on a theme, a text that knowingly references itself: not as irony but as an argument that all things - ourselves, included - are this dense and self-referential and synchronous, that tell us that we unwittingly internalize everything about this obscene world that surrounds us, everything that's ugly and wrong, but also funny and random and utterly mundane. It also works as an analysis of what the show is saying about parents and children: that we are in fact of course remixes and variations of them, but we are also our own people, trying to make sense of the world using all the strange broken tools that they gave us. They, like authority figures and suicidal supercomputers, shovel so much seemingly-innocuous input into us, never guessing that we might refashion their tips as spears.

Early on, Owen dreamt that he had a plan: he was going to run away together with Annie, that they were in a car and driving really fast and escaping some unnamed, totalizing entity. I couldn't help but tear up: I knew, deep down in my bones the weakness and vulnerability as he revealed his plan, the defeated mumble acknowledging that this could never happen, and I knew from Annie's big wet eyes looking on in complete empathy and understanding, that she was also searching, as much as she denied it, for a partner to escape with. This is why the final scene was real, not another dream-within-a-dream. They learned to take control and manifest their desires, and allow themselves to believe that there just might be a plan for the universe, not handed down by God or God-adjacent drugs or supercomputers but one that you could envision and execute yourself, that you can in some way, through existentialism and each other, perhaps find meaning in a desolate world.

"This is it! This is it."

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys 047.

What was the last thing to upset you? just kile changing. it shouldnt upset me, it’s obvious we are changing and growing apart. it just bothers me, nonetheless.

How’s the weather been today? It’s going to be a high of 76 today

What was the first tattoo you got or what would be the first tattoo you’ll get? when I was younger I wanted those white tattoos. I don’t want anything now. I’m good with au-natural skin lol. I do wonder if Kile will ever get one.

What was the last store you went into and did you buy anything? I can’t recall what store I last went to

Have you ever been late for school or work? never for school. Work I was one time because of an accident ahead of me but that was nbd.

Do you prefer to shower in the morning or at night? morning typically if I want my hair to be decent.

Do you dip your pretzels in anything? gosh I miss pretzels.

What is your favourite kind of fruit cobbler? uhhhhhh no real preference

Is there a basement in your house? If so, what is it used for? yep yep. its got a spare bedroom, a laundry area, a bathroom, and a storage closet. It also leads out to the garage.

When was the last time you were intoxicated? my birthday

Have you been swimming today? No. I really would give just bout anything to swim.

Is your phone fully charged at the moment? No, it’s at 81 percent

Have you driven a car today? yes

When was the last time you felt extremely nervous? tonight when waiting for responses from kile regarding questions. When was the last time you cried? Tonight. I hard sobbed, which I thought maybeeee, maybe just maybe I was past this stage with Kile but I’m so not. He maybe?? thought or realized I was genuine about leaving, given the fact I am more and more and more withdrawn. So he asked about us talking, since that’s the big thing we could tackle instead of just harshly cutting ties. He has avoided talking about this since I found out about everything.. I think it gives him a lot of anxiety to unpack just how much hurt he’s caused. I can empathize with that. But I can’t just gloss over this huge trauma like it meant nothing. So we talked a little bit and he assumed I was judging (which is one of my absolute least favorite things he accuses me of) and then when I explained I wasnt, he said he was just being sensitive and he was sorry. for whatever reason, I just.. i feel like a balloon that’s been popped. my heart just desires him so badly but he has these barriers and now I have a million of my own barriers and I hate having barriers with him. ive worked so hard for so long to break those down and now theres more than I can count and I just.. i want to understand. I want to stop the feelings that I’m not worth the truth. Like i’ve been kept in the dark for 6+ years and now that I’m told some things, I’m still kept in the dark. I just can’t win. there’s nothing left for me and it just wrecked me. I sobbed, I couldn’t breathe. my heart hurtssssssssss. i just want him to be here and fix it and he can’t. what do you do when the one person who could stop the hurt, causes it?

Do you have a small, medium or large bedroom? My room is extremely small. I have hardly any room on either side of the bed.

Where was your first job and how old were you? nannying at 15

Have you eaten soup this week? no

Have you ever made your own survey? years ago Do you know your birthstone and if so, do you have any jewellery containing it? ruby. I have no ruby jewelry sadly.

What colour is your hairbrush? uhhh black and blue

Do you hear any other people talking right now? max just proposed to lorelai in gilmore girls.

Are you a fan of The Office? yes. I just have no desire to watch it rn cus I am not in a humor mood and I think it would ruin it for me.

When was the last time you started a new medication? years.

What is your favourite type of nut? pistachios

Where did you eat the best pizza you’ve ever eaten in your life? aurelios in homewood

Do you know what year your parents married? if I stopped and did the math. 

Did you ever watch The Rugrats when you were a kid? only when I was at someone elses house. we didnt have cable til i was 17

Would you ever shave your head to raise money for cancer? maybe

Did you watch Breaking Bad as it aired or did you catch up later on? never watched

Is there anything you’re looking forward to at the moment? i would give just about anything to repair things with kile but that looks like its over.

Do you know anyone who doesn’t have a middle name? Yup. my brother, nephew, dad, and his late dad all have the same name and it contains no middle name.

What is your fast food place of choice? buona

How close is the nearest Starbucks from your house? like 5-6 mins

Have you ever played in the snow? errrr year

Do you know anyone who was adopted? mhmm

Do you write shopping lists on paper or just remember it in your head? paper. I would never get all the items for all three of us without visuals

Have you put your phone on silent today? yeah. so this is embarrassing but hey, it is what it is. I changed kiles notification tone to something loud and noticeable so I would be alerted that it wasn’t just another blah text. but then I would be devastated to not hear it. so now for my own sanity it’s on silent. just as well, i’m not hearing anything from him.

Can you name all 50 US state capital cities? MANY of them. if not all.

Have you been to the mall today? I don’t think i’ve been to the mall since maybeeeee.. 2016?

Have you ever watched Scrubs? If so, did you like it? no

Do you prefer loose leaf tea or teabags? Teabags.

How often do you check your emails? like every day or every other day.

Do you read John Green novels? I’ve read a few of his books.

What was the last thing you purchased at a supermarket? diabetic socks lol

Have you ever used a lawnmower? yes

Have you ever played QuizUp on iOS? I don’t have apple.

Have you ever consumed so much alcohol that you vomited? once. it was worth it tho

Have you ever been to Thailand? No.

Have you ever been to Universal Studios? Yes.

Have you had a bath this week? no, our bathtub is broken.

Do you like pumpkin pie? very much so.

Do you know anyone who smokes in their car? Yeahhhhhhh. blegh.

Have you ever seen a shooting star? I have

Can you tie balloons? I can. I can do it quite fast, which is convenient. every year we blow up these enormous balloon arches for the kids bdays, its about 200+ balloons and i hand tie every single one. my fingers ache for days, but hey.

What is your favourite place to get Chinese food? number 1 chop suey or pf changs

When was the last time you were at a pet store? its been a minute. i would give my left lung to get a golden retriever puppy. 

Do you do a big weekly shop or just shop for groceries as you need them? it usually is weekly.. ish?

[westforestuniversity]

pixi’s babes

macon axel azarola, aka max | twenty-two years old, graphic design major

“talking to people makes me itchy. sometimes. most of the time, actually.”

macon prefers to be called max. growing up as a childhood model, he was in the spotlight from the start. and, truthfully, he didn’t mind. his modeling career barely went past the age of thirteen, however, when his father realized that max’s true passion lay in arts. santiago himself was an artist. well, a washed up artist. he wanted to give his son more than what he had, so max spent his childhood in an upscale art school located in the hamptons. when he was kicked out only two years after enrollment, santigao sent his son to live with his uncle in a small town in mississippi. there, max grew close to his cousin valerie and thus their dream of owning a graphic design company blossomed. armed with an open mind and brutal honesty, there is nothing max can’t conquer. however, with honesty often comes insensitivity. it is true. max’s withdrawn temperament doesn’t help ease the air of rudeness around him either. behind his cold facade, max can act surprisingly like a child. his sense of wonder at everything the world offers is a charming, often surprising, element of his personality.

ezra charles benson | twenty-one, addiction studies major & counseling minor

“i don’t know, i just think life’s out there for us to grab ahold of and enjoy.”

before ezra even had the chance to start life, his was halfway over. his mother used cocaine the entire time she was -unknowingly- pregnant with him. naturally, he was taken away from his mother directly after birth and adopted only a few days later. his first set of adoptive parents turned out to be neglectful and abusive. the social worker assigned to his case, monica, took a special interest in him. she fostered him until ezra was almost five and then began the steps to legally adopt him. fearing that he would become a stereotypical “crack baby”, monica urged ezra in school from a very early age. she made it fun for him and ensured that he was always allowed the resources he needed to succeed. in the end, ezra ended up being the valedictorian of his high school class. 

it may seem that ezra would have problems of his own with addiction, but it’s quite the opposite. he can handle his toxins fairly well and knows the dangers that come with too much. while he does have bipolar disorder, ezra has a bright heart and an optimism to rival. you’ll never catch a dull moment around him, unless he’s been skipping out on his medication. ezra is a friend many would be lucky to have but only few appreciate fully.

valerie joanne azarola | twenty-one, business major & art minor

“a mom friend? well, as long as i’m a cool mom, i guess i’m fine with that.”

valerie’s “monachopsis” tattoo, in short meaning lost or out of place, used to describe her. now, it serves as a permanent reminder of what she was before and who she is now, after. growing up in a relatively small town in the south, valerie constantly felt like she didn’t belong. while she was never outright bullied, it was obvious that her race bothered the close-minded population in mississippi. she was the epitome of what they thought was wrong: the child of an interacial couple. her parents offered her nothing but love and support and valerie grew past it. she was able to homeschool part of her high school career and thus began her life in the spotlight. well, her wish of a life in the spotlight. val and her cousin max have grand plans to become one of the most sought after graphic design companies in the world.

kiera “kip” irene perrin | twenty-three | music major 

- all smiles all the time

- activist 

- fan of weed and other drugs

- extremely loveable, but that’s after her walls are knocked down 

sabine alana degraw | twenty-one | mental health major, english minor

- literary nerd

- schizophrenic, well managed

- hard personality 

- guarded by emotional trauma