#matter in fact the best port for modern system even?

[onewingedangels]

since we putting dlc and whatever into every category might as well put tr1-3 remastered somewhere in there

[ms-demeanor]

One thing that I keep seeing whenever I make posts that are critical of macs is folks in the notes going "they make great computers for the money if you just buy used/refurbs - everyone knows not to buy new" and A) no they don't know that, most people go looking for a new computer unless they have already exhausted the new options in their budget and B) no they don't make great computers for the money, and being used doesn't do anything to make them easier to work on or repair or upgrade.

Here's a breakdown of the anti-consumer, anti-repair features recently introduced in macbooks. If you don't want to watch the video, here's how it's summed up:

In the end the Macbook Pro is a laptop with a soldered-on SSD and RAM, a battery secured with glue, not screws, a keyboard held in with rivets, a display and lid angle sensor no third party can replace without apple. But it has modular ports so I guess that’s something. But I don’t think it’s worthy of IFixIt’s four out of ten reparability score because if it breaks you have to face apple’s repair cost; with no repair competition they can charge whatever they like. You either front the cost, or toss the laptop, leaving me wondering “who really owns this computer?”

Apple doesn't make great computers for the money because they are doing everything possible to make sure that you don't actually own your computer, you just lease the hardware from apple and they determine how long it is allowed to function.

The lid angle sensor discussed in this video replaces a much simpler sensor that has been used in laptops for twenty years AND calibrating the sensor after a repair requires access to proprietary apple software that isn't accessible to either users or third party repair shops. There's no reason for this software not to be included as a diagnostic tool on your computer except that Apple doesn't want users working on apple computers. If your screen breaks, or if the fragile cable that is part of the sensor wears down, your only option to fix this computer is to pay apple.

How long does apple plan to support this hardware? What if you pay $3k for a computer today and it breaks in 7 years - will they still calibrate the replacement screen for you or will they tell you it's time for new hardware EVEN THOUGH YOU COULD HAVE ATTAINED FUNCTIONAL HARDWARE THAT WILL WORK IF APPLE'S SOFTWARE TELLS IT TO?

Look at this article talking about "how long" apple supports various types of hardware. It coos over the fact that a 2013 MacBook Air could be getting updates to this day. That's the longest example in this article, and that's *hardware* support, not the life cycle of the operating system. That is dogshit. That is straight-up dogshit.

Apple computers are DRM locked in a way that windows machines only wish they could pull off, and the apple-only chips are a part of that. They want an entirely walled garden so they can entirely control your interactions with the computer that they own and you're just renting.

Even if they made the best hardware in the world that would last a thousand years and gave you flowers on your birthday it wouldn't matter because modern apple computers don't ever actually belong to apple customers, at the end of the day they belong to apple, and that's on purpose.

This is hardware as a service. This is John Deere. This is subscription access to the things you buy, and if it isn't exactly that right at this moment, that is where things have been heading ever since they realized it was possible to exert a control that granular over their users.

With all sympathy to people who are forced to use them, Fuck Apple I Hope That They Fall Into The Ocean And Are Hidden Away From The Honest Light Of The Sun For Their Crimes.

[parastourism]

Renting a Bus for Corporate Events: Myths vs. Facts

When planning corporate events, arranging transportation is a crucial component. Whether it’s for a conference, team-building event, or company outing, choosing the right transport solution can greatly enhance the experience for all attendees. Many companies consider renting a bus for corporate events, but myths surrounding this choice can lead to confusion. In this article, we’ll debunk some of the most common myths about bus rentals and lay out the facts. By the end, you’ll see why a bus on rent for a corporate event can be a smart, practical decision.

Bus Rental for Corporate Events

Myth #1: Bus Rentals Are Too Expensive

Fact: Many believe renting a bus for corporate events will strain their budget. However, bus rental options are often more affordable than expected. The cost is typically calculated based on factors such as distance, duration, and the type of bus selected. By splitting the cost among multiple attendees, renting a bus can be more cost-effective than arranging for individual transportation, such as taxis or rideshares.

Why It Matters: For a large group of employees or clients, a bus rental reduces the need for separate transportation options, minimizing overall costs. Plus, booking as a group often brings down the per-person rate, making it a budget-friendly choice.

Myth #2: Renting a Bus is Only for Long-Distance Travel

Fact: Buses are a flexible option for both short and long distances. Whether your corporate event is within the same city or in a neighboring town, renting a bus provides a convenient, comfortable way to get everyone to the event. Bus rental companies cater to various needs, and the buses can easily accommodate short trips, such as shuttling between event venues or transport for a day-long city tour.

Why It Matters: For city-based events, a rented bus can keep the group together, eliminate the hassle of arranging individual transport, and ensure everyone arrives on time.

Myth #3: Buses Are Old, Uncomfortable, and Lack Amenities

Fact: Today’s rental buses come with various modern amenities that ensure a comfortable ride. Most bus rental services offer well-maintained, clean buses with comfortable seating, air conditioning, ample storage space, and even Wi-Fi on board. Luxury coaches often include additional features like reclining seats, entertainment systems, and charging ports for electronic devices, which are perfect for work or leisure during the journey.

Why It Matters: For a corporate event, having a comfortable, well-equipped bus enhances the experience for attendees, allowing them to relax or even continue working if needed. This comfort level can help set the tone for a positive event experience right from the start.

Myth #4: Bus Rentals Are Not Reliable or Punctual

Fact: Professional bus rental companies take punctuality seriously and understand the importance of timing for corporate events. Drivers are trained to plan the best routes and manage time effectively. In addition, many companies offer tracking services, allowing organizers to monitor the bus’s location and arrival time.

Why It Matters: Punctuality is essential for corporate events, and a reliable bus rental service ensures that the group arrives on time without the risk of getting lost or delayed in traffic. This reliability reduces stress for event organizers and participants alike.

Myth #5: Booking a Bus for Corporate Events Is Complicated

Fact: Renting a bus for a corporate event is often easier than managing multiple car bookings or rideshares. Bus rental companies typically have streamlined booking processes, either through a phone call or an online portal. They offer customizable options depending on group size, event needs, and the schedule, making it simple to find a bus that fits your requirements.

Why It Matters: Planning transportation should be easy, not a burden. With professional bus rental services, you can quickly arrange and customize transportation for your group, allowing you to focus on other important aspects of the event.

Myth #6: All Bus Rental Companies Are the Same

Fact: Not all bus rental companies are created equal. Some specialize in corporate events and have a fleet that’s well-suited to the professional environment, including luxury and business-class options. Checking customer reviews, comparing options, and ensuring the company meets industry safety and quality standards can help you find a reliable service.

Why It Matters: Choosing the right rental company can greatly impact your experience. A company experienced in corporate transport will better understand your needs and provide a service tailored to professionalism, efficiency, and comfort.

Benefits of Renting a Bus for Corporate Events

Bus on Rent for Corporate Events is more than just a means of getting from point A to point B; it offers a range of benefits for the company and the attendees.

1. Efficient Group Travel

Coordinating multiple cars or arranging individual rideshares can be challenging and costly. With a bus on rent for a corporate event, everyone travels together, simplifying logistics and ensuring timely arrival. This method eliminates the hassle of coordinating multiple arrivals, keeping everyone on the same schedule.

2. Enhanced Team Bonding

A shared journey fosters team spirit and bonding among attendees. Colleagues have the chance to interact, chat, and prepare for the event together, creating a cohesive environment that can positively impact teamwork and collaboration. Especially for team-building trips, group travel can set the stage for a productive day.

3. Eco-Friendly Choice

A bus rental reduces the carbon footprint associated with individual car travel. By opting for group transport, companies can demonstrate their commitment to sustainability, which is especially important for companies looking to emphasize eco-friendly initiatives.

4. Convenience and Comfort

Buses equipped with amenities like Wi-Fi, charging stations, and comfortable seating provide a relaxing environment for attendees. This allows employees to use travel time productively, preparing for the event, catching up on work, or simply relaxing before a busy day.

5. Safety

With a professional driver at the wheel, safety is prioritized. Professional bus drivers are trained in defensive driving and are well-versed in handling different road conditions, providing a safe journey for your employees. Rental buses also go through routine maintenance to ensure they’re in optimal condition.

Tips for Renting a Bus for Corporate Events

When considering a bus rental for your corporate event, here are a few tips to ensure you get the best experience:

Plan Ahead: Book your bus rental well in advance, especially if your event is during peak season, to secure the best options.

Clarify Your Needs: Determine the number of passengers, trip distance, and any amenities you may need. This helps the rental company match you with the best bus for your needs.

Verify Insurance and Licensing: Ensure the rental company complies with all safety regulations, including insurance coverage and licensing for drivers.

Check Reviews and Testimonials: Read reviews to gauge the experiences of other clients. A reputable company will have positive feedback on its professionalism and quality of service.

Confirm the Route and Schedule: Provide the rental company with all the event details so they can plan the best route and timing.

[doctor-yamagishi]

Concern or Consideration Part 3: Initial Contact

(Part 3 of plot sequence discussed with @tacitusauxilium)

A light beep emerged from Fuuka’s room, stirring young woman awake, slowly sitting up and lightly but firmly pressing the snooze button on the alarm clock. 

It was her first day attending Shujin Academy to start her potential infiltration of the Phantom Thieves. 

Yesterday, Fuuka had taken the time to get acquainted with the area. It was different than Tatsumi Port Island and was a lot more modern than Inaba. 

Mitsuru had delivered several different letters. One contained all the paperwork that was needed for her to begin working at the Academy. Fuuka had filled out her necessary portions before going to bed. Another was separate debit card for use for using the train system. Mitsuru informed her that she would keep track of the balance and would put more money on the card when it ran low. A third contained the train schedule. Mitsuru trusts Fuuka to be able to quickly figure out the best set of trains to take to get to the closest station to the school. A fourth one contained a map from the closest train station to the school.

With no idea how the Phantom Thieves looked, it was a simple matter of identifying a persona user and seeing if they have some connection with the Phantom Thieves. There was still a matter of earning their trust that was going to be an issue. 

Mitsuru had made sure that Fuuka’s first day working at the academy was several day following Kamoshida’s confession to avoid any suspicion that she may be a replacement for Kamoshida in the end. Between the time delay, was the emergence of rumors that circulated around the Phantom Thieves that helped to expedite the opening for Fuuka’s infiltration. 

Taking a moment to brush her hair to be rid of slight bed head from her sleep, she wanted to make sure she presented as believable of her taking the job of a student teacher as possible, even if Mitsuru has assured her that the principal is a rather greedy person that is willing to overlook her appearance at a price, Fuuka was far from convinced that it would keep the facade of her appearance as a student teacher free of suspicion for very long. 

A part of her wondered if this is how Minako felt when leading SEES. The somber memory almost brought her back to Minako’s sacrifice. Shaking her head free of the memory, Fuuka had to focus on her mission. She knew that she shouldn’t be caught up in the fact that Minako is gone and that MInako would want her to focus on her mission, much like she was focused on stopping Nyx and Strega. 

The biggest issue was trying to earn the Phantom Thieves’ trust enough to become a member in order to follow through her mission. Given the secrecy of how they accomplished their feat, there was going to be a lot of scrutiny about letting someone in their ranks. Given how the knowledge of how the Phantom Thieves’ operate could effectively be twisted and used for selfish purposes, it was the reason that it was necessary to determine where the PHantom Thleves stand in their intention. 

With everything gathered up in a way that she can easily access what is needed, Fuuka began her way to the train station to get the actual infiltration underway. 

Arriving at Shujin Academy, Fuuka looked up and could feel a presense similar but not exactly the same as what she felt in Tartarus or the TV world. Each bore an unsettling similarity that was tweaked enough to make them distinguishable from each other. Unsure about if it is because of the Phantom Thieves or if it holds some connection to them, Fuuka bit back her unease and made her way into the school and toward Kobayakawa’s office. 

Lightly knocking on the door. “Come in.” Kobayakawa’s voice almost bellowed from the other side of the door. Fuuka steeled herself and opened the door and walked in, stopping a few feet from the principal’s desk. 

“You must be Fuuka Yamagishi. Not sure why you want to do you time as a student teacher here given the bad publicity we recently had, but as long as you help restore the school’s reputation, I could care less your motives. We have already received your deposit to ensure your performance and just need the paperwork.” Kobayakawa stated before pressing the button for the school’s loudspeaker. 

Fuuka took the time as Kobayakawa shifted his focus to the loudspeaker to retrieve the necessary paperwork, but she was unsettled by his response to the fiasco involving Kamoshida. There was no words spoken about easing the pains that was caused to the students or how the school was going to keep it from happening again, it was all about the school’s reputation and prestige. She was beginning to see how Kamoshida was allowed to do what he could prior to the Phantom Thieves’ interference. Her intuition was telling her that the Phantom Thieves were good people, but she had to make sure that was the case before reporting to Mitsuru.

“Ms. Kawakami, your student teacher has arrived. Report to the principal’s office to show her the way to your classroom.” Kobayakawa sounded throughout the school before releasing the button for the loudspeaker and shifted his attention back to Fuuka who had rested the paperwork on his desk facing toward him so he can read. 

“Ms. Kawakami will show you the way to the classroom. If you don’t have any questions, you are free to leave.” Kobayakawa stated as he looked over the paperwork, though there wasn’t any real interest in the contents since he had already been paid for her application and didn’t want to waste the time looking through for validity.

“Thank you Principal Kobayakawa.” Fuuka stated with a light bow as she closed her bag that held the paperwork before turning 180 degrees and making her way out of the principal’s office. Closing the door behind her, Fuuka couldn’t but shutter. She was beginning to question if there is more people like Kamoshida in the school since of how the principal is. 

“You must be the student teacher, I am Sadayo Kawakami, but call me Kawakami.” Ms. Kawakami stated looking rather disinterested at Fuuka, to Kawakami there was a possibility that Fuuka was just here to make sure that she was doing her job correctly. “Follow me to the classroom.” Kawakami turned around and made her way to her classroom, Fuuka following a short way behind her. 

Even before approaching the door to the classroom, Fuuka could sense at least two persona from the other side of the wall. Though she could sense the personas doesn’t mean that they are a Phantom Thief. 

Kawakami would open the door and Fuuka would follow behind her. Her gaze would trail over Ann and would count one persona internally and would look across the room and upon seeing Akira, she would sense, not one, but two personas. At first thinking that Akira might be the same as Minako, the thought gets dismissed when she realizes that though the source of the presence of Personas in Akira’s direction are remarkably close, they are not from exactly the same spot, which made Fuuka curious about the source of the second persona reading from around Akira. It was too close to be another person. 

Though her thoughts reeled about Akira, she didn’t keep her gaze on him, in order to evade suspicions about the reason why she was here. “My name is Fuuka Yamagishi. Thank you for giving me the chance to get my experience as a teacher with you all.” Fuuka gave a slight bow. 

“Feel free to take a seat for today. I will spend this week showing you how we present our lessons here at Shujin. Starting next week, you will present the lessons in my place. I will just offer feedback and advice as needed.” Kawakami states. 

Fuuka nods her head and takes a seat off next to Kawakami’s desk as she begins the lesson for today. 

Once classes were over for the day, Fuuka talked with Kawakami for a while in class before Kawakami excuses herself so she can head home for the day. Fuuka decided to see if she try and find the Phantom Thieves. The two people that had personas did strike her interest, so she figured that she would start with them. 

Wandering through the three floors, she had gotten no sight of either person she was seeking. There was a possibility that they had already gone home or gone elsewhere, there was no telling since she didn’t have anything definitive to say whether or not they are a Phantom Thief.

She did recall being told that the rooftop was off-limits. While she doubted the possibility that they would possibly oust themselves by making themselves situatied in an area where they can get reprimanded, it was worth a chance as it was better to explore than to just assume they weren’t there. 

Traversing down the stairs for the rooftop was Makoto and Fuuka could sense a persona from her, though the sense was weak as the persona was dormant for the time being. 

“You are the student teacher for Kawakami, correct?” Makoto inquired, which earned an affirming nod from Fuuka. 

“I am Makoto Nijima. I am the student council president. I just found a few students up on the roof and have reprimanded them for being in the off-limits area. They might listen to you more than me.” Makoto introduces herself before heading back down so she can head home for the day herself. 

Fuuka would nod her head and watch Makoto leave before returning her attention to the roof. She would make her way quietly up the stairs, keeping the door shut for the moment. She would wait and listen to see if she can get them to talk about possibly being involved with the Phantom Thieves or not. Her approach to the matter would vary based on what she hears. 

“This effing sucks. We’re not doing anything wrong. So why did the principal’s lap dog have to get on our case.” Ryuji groans resting his elbow on the desk he was sitting at. 

“The rooftops are off-limits Ryuji, doesn’t matter what we’re doing.” Ann reprimands, scowling over at him, keeping her legs crossed and her body facing the door, but looking over at Ryuji. 

“Anyways, what did you want to talk about Ryuji?” Morgana inquires walking back and forth on the desk as Akira’s, Ann’s, and Ryuji’s focus shifts toward him. 

“Yeah, I was thinking that since Kamoshida has been taken care. Is there any reason for us to continue being the Phantom Thieves?” Ryuji inquires giving the matter serious thought. 

“What are you talking about Ryuji? Of course there is. There are more people suffering than just the people at the school.” Morgana rebutts, looking back at Ryuji. 

“How do you know that? You haven’t been here that long.” Ryuji retaliates, casting a suspicious and accusatory glance over at Morgana. 

“I...I just do.” Morgana stutters out, not really sure how to address how he has that information, thinking that Ryuji wouldn’t be able to understand it. 

“Like you effing do.” Ryuji responds sarcastically, rolling his eyes. 

“Enough you two. Let’s sleep on the idea about the Phantom Thieves. For now, lets just enjoy the rewards of our work for dealing with Kamoshida.” Ann snaps at the two of them before calming down. 

Akira nods his head. 

“Pardon me.” Fuuka opens the door and looks at the three people and the cat on the roof. 

Akira, Ann, Ryuji, and Morgana all look over at Fuuka, surprise and shock on their faces. 

“Shit.” Ryuji states plainly, coming up with a blank for how to possibly beat around the bush with what they were talking about earlier. 

“You are the student teacher for Kawakami, right? H-How long have you been there?” Ann inquires dumbstruck at the situation. She knew there was a risk of them being found out of being the Phantom Thieves given that all information about Kamoshida was limited to those attending the academy, but didn’t think they would be found out so quickly. 

“Long enough to hear you talking about your identities of being Phantom Thieves.” Fuuka states, maintaining a calm yet gentle expression on her face. She can now sense four personas, including one coming from the cat. For anyone without any prior experience to non-humans having personas, this would be a shock, but for Fuuka this was another day of being a persona user. With SEES, it was Kuromaru. WIth the Inaba Investigation Squad, it was Teddie, and here it was the cat, whose name she hadn’t heard yet. 

“What do we do here Akira?” Ann inquired as she, Ryuji, and Morgana look at him. 

“Please do not be afraid. I am not here to retaliate against you for that fact or the fact you are all here. Given that you all stopped Kamoshida, you all have a good heart. I want to help the Phantom Thieves. I can tell you all have a persona as I have one myself.” Fuuka stated, being as open as she can without revealing the truth about why she was here. 

There was a moment of silence as the Phantom Thieves processed the information that had just been thrown at them. “What do you say Akira?” Ann asks as she looks over at him. 

“There is no guarantee that we will remain as the Phantom Thieves, plus we want to be sure that we can trust you.” Akira stated calmly to maintain some degree of control over the situation. Given that the presence of personas wasn’t anything that had been spoken to anyone outside of the Phantom Thieves that he was aware of, outside of the person that was instigating the mental shutdowns and anyone that they could be working under. There was no way to tell if Fuuka was the person in particular or if they had some association. She may just be feigning goodwill toward them. She wouldn’t be the first person that held contempt toward them for one reason or another. 

“I understand, I will be here. Feel free to let me know your decision one way or another.” Fuuka replies before making her way home. There is always the possibility that she won’t get in, but the best option was for her to get in to determine their motive. 

Fuuka didn’t doubt that the scientists at the Kirijo Corporation that acted on the behalf of the Shadow Operatives could achieve the means that the Phantom Thieves used to accomplish their task. This would result in a confrontation between the Phantom Thieves and the Shadow Operatives where the Shadow Operatives hold the advantage in both numbers and experience. 

[misterparadigm]

A Critique of Albert Camus’s “The Myth of Sisyphus”

The following is a brief critical breakdown of Albert Camus's highly influential essay. In it, I explore Camus's implicit meanings as I find them, and question the validity of his conclusions about the nature of suffering and man's capacity for contending with it by will alone.

--------------------------------

In philosophy, absurdity is defined as the conflict between the tendency to seek meaning in life and the inability to find such meaning with any logical certainty. The question of meaning has been at the heart of many philosophical explorations and treatises. The second half of the 20th century and beyond saw a spread in the acceptance of the notion of life’s meaninglessness, though no definitive and satisfactory cure for the ennui and nihilism that often follows has been laid out.

Perhaps most famous and cherished is Albert Camus’s essay exploring the Myth of Sisyphus and his ultimate declaration therein that, “One must imagine Sisyphus happy.” In this essay, Camus thinks over the myth in brief and lays out an interpretation of it which centers Sisyphus’s acknowledgment of his predicament, acceptance, and most importantly his personal resolve and will to view his burden as something which gives his life meaning. We must imagine Sisyphus finding contentment in his futile labor—an act of will which scorns the gods and denies their effort to break the spirit of Sisyphus with the assertion that a life of eternally futile labor is something torturous. Camus efforts—a bit belabored, in my opinion—to make a modern hero of the one who belittles the gods and their cruel, arrogant, resentful judgments. In Camus’s view, these gods have earned no respect in their dealings with mortals. For Camus, a humanist who would sooner dive headlong into oblivion than seek out a god whom he despises, it is a noble and purposeful pursuit to deny any such god the pleasure of punishing the creature which he created to despise him to begin with—a creature forced to live out a scenario of absurdity concocted by that very god. Camus refuses to respond with devastation, but resolves to make such existence its own purpose. He asks us to grasp our free will, own it, and wield it against any force which seeks to turn the man against himself.

But is this assessment and subsequent assertion valid? A number of factors are at play here which Camus seems not to acknowledge. First, we have to acknowledge context. Sisyphus is dealing with a particular set of gods, so his situation is unique to that scenario. Camus seems to imply that this situation can be applied to the modern man and his relationship to whichever god he believes in. This isn’t apparent, and if one is to assert that it is, one must first take as a given that life is absurd, or else the resentment toward the god who created it isn’t validated. On the other hand, if life is not absurd and is in fact meaningful and purposeful, one must contend with the notion that the god who created it is of some authority on the matter of how best to embody such meaning and purpose. To Camus’s credit, we are given no empirical evidence or common enough experience to adequately, categorically state the purposefulness of existence. What we are offered, rather, is a quiet firmament and a divine hand so subtle that one can barely propose to experience its activity—rarely with any convincing force, despite fervent conviction, and perhaps even considered malevolent rather than benevolent. The suffering of life, after all, makes it easy to resent our very being. Life is discomfort, pain, confusion, and death in greater measure than pleasure and joy. Pleasure and joy, even, seem starkly restricted as vices of desire in the eyes of “modern” gods, so much that to see the beauty of life is to do so in spite of life itself rather than to acknowledge that beauty’s apparentness as we would life’s suffering. Even so, the challenge of life may not then be to grasp one’s own will and deny God, but rather, as Hamlet mused, to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune. To take accountability for one’s will and wield it, much as Camus suggests, as a weapon—not against God, but rather against the apparent evils of existence, of which we would know nothing were it not for eating from the proverbial Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Often, we get caught up in the idea that God created the circumstances in which we exist, and created us to exist within those circumstances. By this musing along we may justify a resentment toward such a god and claim absurdity and cruelty. It’s quite easy to do so. However, we rarely seem to consider that, according to the myth, we were created in a more desirable scenario. Even so, we were created with free will and given direction on what to do and what not to do in order to avoid less desirable circumstances. Our free will standing, we acted in what would seem to be an inevitable manner. We were tempted to know what God knows about existence, and so we consumed the apple and opened our minds to the knowledge of good and evil. In doing so, we betrayed the trust of God and refused his advice, thus we became fully conscious and, consequently, fully accountable for our actions. With the knowledge of good and evil, a being with free will bears a responsibility to act according to the good rather than the evil. This early awakening left us naive—scarcely prepared to contend with the greater evils of the universe—and we’ve been mired in it ever since, rarely even able to see clearly what constitutes good and what constitutes evil. The complexity of such a task of judgment is said to be the court of God, and we are not to engage in such things, but we are yet left with no one but ourselves to hold each other accountable—and so how can we not judge? There is much that goes into this, but it’s a digression of the topic at hand, which is the validity of Camus’s assessment of the transferable lesson of Sisyphus’s fate.

The second factor is the presumption that Sisyphus could have the stamina to will joy out of his futile labor for eternity. It is difficult to imagine how his psychology might evolve over an endless span of time. Is it even reasonable to imagine that he might settle on a particular view of his predicament? How could it be that his view would last forever? It seems more likely that his mind might unravel after so long a labor at a single task, and that he would dissolve into his routine—that he would devolve into a machine. Such a task, it seems to me, is tailored to disintegrate the spirit of a man so that there is nothing left but the laboring organic robot, dead of his animus and dull of mind. His programming, which once explored myriad tasks and evolved in spirit accordingly, is now relegated to the track of a single interminable function, and so his mechanism devolves into only what is necessary for the eternal task. The animating spirit of a free consciousness is defined by that freedom. It is defined by the mind’s ability to explore and learn and adapt and grow. It fills the space in which it inhabits. If that space shrinks, the mind’s environment for operation shrinks. If that space takes a limited form, so does the mind. Sisyphus’s mind, I’d wager, would eventually mold to the well-worn form of his task and atrophy at all other ports of knowledge and behavior. The spirit dies without freedom. It dissolves into oblivion, a gaseous ghost seeping out in small whispers over time, until nothing remains but the solitary circuit. This is, after all, the argument so often levied against the dreadful monotony of a labor economy. One pictures the old cog-in-the-machine imagery—the grey man marching alongside his grey coworkers, seemingly oblivious to his living death. It seems to me that Camus puts an unreasonable and inexecutable responsibility on the creature of Sisyphus: to be the sole perpetuator of his own universe of knowledge, both known and unknown, so that he may propagate the only environment in which he might stave off his spiritual dissipation. This was the environment of free consciousness, which has been robbed of him. This is the plight of the prisoner; the longer a prisoner remains imprisoned, the less likely they are to thrive under freer circumstances. Their mind has adapted to a particular system, environment, and routine. And so it seems naive of Camus to imagine Sisyphus happy.

Camus focuses on the time in which Sisyphus is “going back down with a heavy yet measured step toward the torment of which he will never know the end.” This is the time in which Sisyphus is left truly alone with his thoughts, which can only ever turn to his task, that task being the only thing left of his life and the thing which will occupy his eternity. It is here that the measure of his character—his will and resolve—is on perfect display. “That hour like a breathing-space which returns as surely as his suffering, that is the hour of consciousness. At each of those moments when he leaves the heights and gradually sinks toward the lairs of the gods, he is superior to his fate.” Camus suggests that, “if this myth is tragic, that is because its hero is conscious. Where would his torture be, indeed, if at every step the hope of succeeding upheld him?” The tragedy is that Sisyphus has no opportunity for delusion. He cannot pretend that there is hope of breaking this cycle. He knows that this fate is eternal, and that for every moment to follow, across all space and time, he will only ever be among the moments confined to this task—isolated in his rut. His only hope, I would say, is that over time he might lose this consciousness. In a situation like this, eternal life is an intolerable cruelty, though Camus would claim he has the will to defy the cruelty by reframing it. This Camusian grace seems an illusion to me right on the face of it, and his solution boils down to ignoring the inexorable fact of the situation: there is nothing but the task, and no perfectly repeated task can be infinitely engaging or contenting to the actively conscious mind. The implied grace finds its source in acceptance of the fate, and through acceptance one can neutralize the misery—or so Camus suggests. But again, it does little to truly contend with the eternal element. Camus’s assertion that it is possible to willfully accept such a fate and maintain that flat acceptance for not just an inconceivably long time, but for the most inconceivable length of time, seems itself absurd. Perhaps it is even the very definition of absurd. Camus asks that an actively conscious being spend his infinite life mitigating his misery by perpetually accepting it as the mere fact and state of his existence. He is asking a man who has experienced and loved life (multiple times) so much that he incapacitated Death to simply step back and view his perfectly measured misery as a neutral state of being, and to do this forever, infinitely, perpetually. How absurd is such a demand? He is asking that Sisyphus seek contentment where there is no logical contentment to be sought.

If absurdity is seeking meaning where there appears to be none, then certainly seeking contentment where there appears to be none is itself absurd. The assertion, then, is that we can somehow manifest our own contentment through will, which is, in a way, no different than trying to manifest meaning through will. It’s the act of mitigating circumstances through the illusory impetus of pure will. One may be able to bear the illusion for a measured time, but over the course of an eternity the will gives way to circumstance because the circumstance, in the case, is the immutable factor. A free consciousness, however, is defined by its dynamic existence. But if that existence no longer inhabits a dynamic environment, whatever meaning or purpose it may have had is, as a matter of logic, eradicated by the static and immutable nature of the circumstance.

It is merely a matter of logic, which the free consciousness will have determined in short order, and so the emotions cycle in whatever manner they may until the consciousness is dulled by its monotonous task. Sisyphus’s fate, I assert, is the dissipation of his free consciousness over time, until this man who loved his living freedom so much has his mind reduced to a dim, singular function. His punishment is the indignity of the gradual decline in free will until there is no being left, and he is but a moving sculpture signifying the fate of one who refuses Death. His punishment is the denial of rebirth, for he has refused the necessary mechanism which gives rise to it.

[fijiangecko]

Maintaining a New Life

Chapter 6 - Search and Rescue

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Read it on AO3 here

A/N: school is over (thank god)

~~~~~~

You stood in that doorway for God knows how long. Shivers traveled down your spine when Kuroo slammed that damned door, and slowly the static built over your frozen muscles. How could you let this happen? He’s right, you could’ve just told them and maybe things would’ve been different. If you really did trust them like you claimed, why didn’t you just admit to everyone and ask for guidance? 

Your instincts kicked in. For a long while, you pushed them back and remained the new person you so desperately wanted to keep around. You knew, somewhere deep down, that if you went back to your old self, that would be the only thing they would talk about. That being said, you weren’t going to back down from a challenge or downplay your strengths, but that killer instinct that those bastards drilled into your head needed to take the back burner for a couple of years.

Too bad you pushed your luck and now it was all boiling over.

Your attention was brought back to that pot, and finally when those reactions kick back in your legs carry you across the apartment. Only grab what’s necessary, burn the rest and get the fuck out. Easy enough, considering you always knew something like this might happen. Just like back in the office, you didn’t own much. It was easy to only have a large duffle bag worth of stuff, clothes and sentimental items mostly.

You made a decision when you first left the Port Mafia to keep other things, clues one might say, as to your involvement with them in a separate location. Weapons too; you never knew when you were gonna need some extra firepower.

Anything else in the apartment that you knew could be used for evidence or could lead anyone back to the office you burned with your belongings. Better to be safe than sorry.

It doesn’t matter if he tells them, you think as you hoist the materials into the metal garbage bin in the parking lot. You’d be gone within the hour because either the Mafia is on their way, or Tooru and Hajmie will stop by in the morning. All you wanted was to protect them.

You patched the back windshield up with a bit of duct tape and a trash bag in the meantime. At least it would keep the cops from pulling you over while you headed over to the shop. Glass shards still litter the back seat, but you could care less as you set the duffle in the passenger's seat and start the engine.

With one last glance, you look to your apartment, the nearby trash can as flames lick the edges of the metal. All of your work suits were in there. All the funky ties Bokuto had given to you as jokes every year at the Christmas parties; all of the pens Akaashi and Kenma had lent you; all of the files Oikawa and Iwaizumi had forgotten at your place over the years; all the little sticky notes Kuroo left on your keyboard-

A tear hits your cheek. It’s a shock to your system and it brings you back to the present. You quickly wipe it off and swing the car out of its spot and head off. 

A plan bubbles in the back of your mind. A way to keep everyone out of danger and clear your involvement. You think of the countless possibilities and endings this could have as your drive down the streets. The trees get denser and the sunlight shines through them like ribbons as you speed down the highway, only thinking of how to survive.

The first thing you’d like to do is to fix the damn windshield. Off the top of your head, you can think of a few people that might be able to help you out, just some local shops that still owed you back when you did people “favors” and that sort of thing. Again, not your brightest moments but they were your moments nonetheless.

Memories flood your system of those times. Back when you practically had the whole mafia under you. Every goon, henchmen and officer looked down when you walked down a corridor. Only those on an equal footing or on your personal squad would even bother trying to talk with you.

Not that you were authoritative or anything. Far from it, actually. Out of all of the four executives, you were the most forgiving, the most human. But it was the fact that you were an executive; the shared second in command position for all of the Port Mafia. With a brain and a gift like yours, it was an obvious choice but called for you to make a lot of tough decisions.

“Y/N,” Ushijima greeted you with a bow, and once he stood to his full height he stared directly into your eyes. The vertical distance was pretty large at the time, considering this was almost seven years ago. You remember looking up at him and feeling nothing despite his size and stature. Slightly behind him on the left stood a man, almost equally as tall with bright red hair.

“Hello boys,” a coy smile tugged at the edge of your lips. You used to be so full of yourself, and you roll your eyes at the thought. You were not only the youngest mafia member to become an executive, but also the first female to achieve the position despite who the boss was. Is? Hell if you knew whether that old bat is still kicking it.

Tendou had the tendency to lean over Ushijima’s shoulder and look down on you, almost like you were an animal in a zoo, but you got along with him just fine otherwise. Whenever you guys were in the same room you’d joke around, try and get on Ushi’s nerves but nothing ever seemed to work. On occasion he’d try and get you both to meet up for dinner but you’d always end up busy with meetings.

You saw him as a friend. Someone to kill the time with. Not much else, but you always saw the small shimmer in his eyes when he’d try and make those dinner plans. You felt in your gut that a question might pop up one of those nights if you sat down in a fancy restaurant with him.

“I don’t think Washijo is gonna appreciate you doing all of those construction deals in the southwest.” The redhead sang to you in a tune that was unrecognizable.

“Why wouldn’t he? It’s only making us more money and I did it ‘legally’ this time.” Unfazed by his teasing, you continued into the meeting room and took your place on the left side, by the head of the long conference table.

Ushijima followed opposite of you, taking up the chair directly across from you on the right. The spaces next to either of you that follow down the long edge of the hardwood were left empty, and your respective teams filled in the chairs after that point.

Everyone was dressed up, black and white attire. You always opted for a pantsuit rather than a dress or skirt purely because the port brought in the seaside winds and you’d rather not flash anyone. Oikawa, Iwaizumi and two others sit in their suits further down the table, hands folded and placed atop the table. They made small chit chat with the other squads, Oikawa smiled and bantered while Iwa usually just sat and listened. 

They were members of your personal squad almost the entire time you held the title of “executive”.Them and the two others that sat next to them, Matsukawa and Hanamaki. You kept your personal group small since you’d be around them constantly. Those four were always funny together, always made things lighthearted despite the horrid situations you found yourselves in.

“She’s right Tendou,” Ushijima’s voice could’ve rattled the whole building if he spoke louder. “Out of us four she’s pulled in the most territory and revenue over the last quarter.”

“That’s because she's not doing the best in one category Washijo will strip her title, no questions asked.” Oikawa whispered to Iwa, very cautious of who might hear him. From what you can remember, a fair amount of the members weren’t as progressive as you had hoped when you first joined, but it didn’t stop you from climbing the ranks.

Your thumb beats against the steering wheel at the memories. Were you really happy then? Were you really doing what you wanted?

It’s taken you years to find the answer, but you’ve concluded that both are no. You hated working for them. You hated the senseless murder, especially if it was for a bullshit excuse like “it’s all for a better Yokohama”. To hell with it all, you’d tell yourself after spending nights hiding in homes that were starting to fall apart. For half a year you lived as though the modern world didn’t exist, all by yourself. You would only go into town to buy groceries or if it was absolutely necessary. 

It was a sad life, but it was better than living in a high-rise apartment where goons would pretend to be buddy-buddy with you just to up their rank. It was better than pretending to care what that old fool had to say about your operating style and the fact you didn’t do anything “by the book”.

Your thumb stops drumming a while ago and your fists tighten around the wheel, knuckles turning red and white as you press your skin firmly into the rubber. The morning rays dissipated a while ago as well, the sun fully shining her light down on the city. The further you drive, the more recognizable the area becomes. Dreary, dark streets turn into buildings and stores with an even darker past. Your stomach churns with every old memory seeping back into your brain, only the faces of the agency members keep you going as you pull into an all too familiar lot.

~

Iwaizumi’s hands run through his dark hair, gripping the strands and pulling them as he looks at the disaster around him. Chairs broken into pieces, glass shards all across the floors, papers littering every nook and cranny of your apartment. Nothing was salvageable. Anything you had bought was destroyed either by your own hands or someone else's.

Oikawa dug through the cabinets and drawers to find anything that could be an affirmative that this was the Port Mafia’s doing, or at least give them an idea of who it could’ve been. The dumpster fire outside was obviously your doing, either of the boys recognized that in an instant considering it was all of your clothes and it was practically only embers by the time they had gotten there.

Hajime’s heart is pounding heavily in his chest. He was the one who protected the ones he cared about. That was his gift and his duty to you all, and he failed miserably at it since you’re gone and now everything is on fire (literally and figuratively).

“They left the stamp!” Tooru stumbles over bits and pieces of debris as he rushes to show Hajime the small insignia that was left on a scrap of paper. The Port Mafia always left them at raids so either rival gangs or the police knew exactly who beat them to it.

Iwaizumi snaps out of his little trance, the iron grip on his hair loosens enough for his hands to run down the back of his head to the base of his neck. It wasn’t exactly what he wanted to hear, but it narrowed down some of their options.

He grasps the small paper and double checks it to make sure every design detail was exactly the same, that this wasn’t a dupe or some imposters work. Tooru watches with careful eyes as Iwa mimics his exact same actions from just moments ago.

Kuroo walks up to the complex, hands in his pockets and head hung low. After being told off by Takeda, he was instructed to go help look for you. Since you’re all still on a case together, and “regardless of personal affairs”, you were all assigned to this case for a reason, or that’s what he said at least.

In his mind, Kuroo is in the right. He has every right to be angry with you. For three years you withheld that one of the greatest crime organizations was a past employer. I must be the biggest fucking joke. 

He knows deep down that this is all just pain coming out as anger. He just lost one of his best friends, one of the few people in his life that he genuinely cares about enough to hang out with on his days off - and one of the only people he’s been interested in years.

Everytime he thinks about your laugh, or your little smile when you finish a stack of paperwork, his heart hurts a little more. The tightness in his chest is something he only experienced when his parents divorced when he was eleven, but it wasn’t even bad compared to now.

How could he not be angry?

Once his feet hit the asphalt of the parking lot, he finally glances up and realizes the chaos around him. The pile of garbage in the bin was merely smoldering at this point. He looks to the apartment and notices the two figures standing in the living room, which he can see through the window. Both seem to be inspecting something in the palm of Iwaizumi’s hand, unaware that Kuroo is standing in the parking lot.

“Guys…?” Kuroo’s voice is soft as he passes through the threshold into your apartment. “What the fuck is going on?” Iwaizumi and Oikawa turn to face him immediately, not expecting anyone else to be here and they certainly were not expecting it to be Kuroo.

“Y/N’s gone.” Tooru speaks clearly as he glares daggers at the man who dared to speak against you only thirty minutes ago. Iwa crumples the stamped paper in his hand and clenches his jaw.

“Yeah… I can see that.” Kuroo’s eyes shift between all corners of the room, processing every bit of information his eyes came across.

Hajime nudges Tooru with his hand (rather harshly but the anger wasn’t directed at him) and he walks out of the apartment, shoulder checking Kuroo as they pass by. There was nothing more for them there, and now Tooru and himself are going to have to think of a way to find you.

Kuroo remains in his spot as a weight starts to bear down on his body. The couch he crashed on when he was too drunk, the table you guys mulled over paperwork together - the apartment he had made so many memories in was completely destroyed.

He couldn’t help but start to think that this might just be his fault. He left you last night in the exact spot he’s standing in right now. Yes, he was upset. What you two had built was entirely based off of trust, and Kuroo hasn’t trusted someone that much in a very long time (Kenma can attest to that). 

You deemed that information as potentially harmful to him, and he told you that you had no right. What kind of idiot am I? As he looks around the space, he realizes now just how dangerous this all really is.

Iwaizumi stomps his way back onto the main roads and keeps a hand clutched around the stamped paper. “Who the hell does he think he is?” The question wasn’t directed at anyone, but Tooru knows this is how he expresses his anger without going to the gym.

“Takeda probably sent him since everyone at the agency still doesn't know what’s going on.” Tooru pulls on his jacket and follows Iwa down the sidewalk.

“Better off just leaving us the hell alone. Ukai and Takeda aren’t stupid and they both know something has always been up with Y/N. As soon as we came into the picture I’m pretty sure they picked up on us being involved with her too. Kuroo shouldn’t be sticking his nose in this,” Iwa huffs, but Oikawa makes the motion to start talking before he is swiftly cut off. “And I don’t give a shit what Y/N told him. The only reason she did so was because she had too after last night. There was no way for her to cover up that encounter with Tendou and you know it.”

“Do you think she would’ve kept it from them forever though?”

“I don’t know. She’s never really told us why she left in the first place, but Y/N was with the Port Mafia for years. Most of her teenage and early adult life was spent with them before she just up and left.” Iwaizumi shoves the paper into his pocket as he talks, also placing his jacket over his shoulders. He guides the pair back to the subway station.

“Guys!” The two stop walking for a moment, each processing whose voice was calling out but once it registers that it’s only Kuroo, they continue down the steps into the station. “Wait up!”

Their pace picks up as they pull out their passes to scan and get through the bars as quickly as possible. Too bad Kuroo’s legs are long and he catches up to them in the nick of time. Just as Tooru swipes his card, Kuroo is hot on his heels as he fumbles around to find his own train pass. “Wait- please.”

Tooru can tell that he’s desperate, but when Iwa glances over his shoulder to check on the situation Tooru can see the anger starting to bubble up again. His own stomach churns at the thought that Kuroo can just switch on a dime if need be. That even though you explained everything to him, it still took seeing all of the damage for him to realize what kind of scenario this really is.

“Please Oikawa,” Kuroo grabs his shoulder once he makes it past the turnstiles. “Let me help you guys find Y/N.”

“And why the hell would we want your help?” Ignoring that he called for Oikawa, Hajime fully turns around and marches over to Kuroo. Although he is shorter than both of them, Hajime has this air about him that says I will kill you here and now depending on how you answer.

Kuroo’s chest pounds against itself. He snapped out of his own thoughts pretty quickly back at the apartment and realized that you could actually be hurt. This wasn’t just something nonchalant, there was a reason you kept this from him. 

After coming to, he figured the only thing he can do in this situation is to find you. Iwaizumi and Oikawa were involved in this somehow. There was a reason they weren’t at your apartment last night having that same discussion. “I know you two are the only ones who are gonna be able to find her-” he pauses to take a few deep breaths “-and I owe her an apology.”

“No shit you owe her an apology after all of the fucking chaos you caused back at the office. You’re lucky I didn’t deck you in your fucking chair.” Iwaizumi steps closer to Kuroo, almost chest to chest, and stares right into his irises. 

Oikawa grabs at Iwa’s bicep and tugs him back. “Let’s just go Hajime.” Iwa snarls and stomps away.

“Please…” Kuroo can’t mess this up, he knows that. This is the only shot he has at finding you is by getting in with these two. “I know I screwed up.”

Oikawa slows his pace, listening to the pleas of someone he once considered more than an acquaintance. His mind is telling him to follow Hajime and find you as quickly as possibly, but he also knows in his heart that Kuroo meant well. You trusted him enough to explain everything to him.

“I don’t know if Y/N’s dead.” Kuroo’s voice cracks as he thinks out loud of what might be. “I- I know I messed up really bad but I need to know if she’s okay.”

“Look,” Oikawa stops fully and turns his head to speak, “most likely she’s not dead since there weren’t any signs of struggle at the apartment. Her car was gone and her personal belongings were either missing or charred in the trash can in the parking lot. The mafia just destroyed her house, but my bet is that she’s still alive.”

Iwaizumi had stopped walking as well, listening to Kuroo’s plight. Although he was full of anger, he heard the crack in his voice. He hears his pleas and Hajime is torn on what is the right decision.

The three are silent as civilians walk past them, hurrying from one train to the next. Hajime takes a deep breath and rubs his eyebrows with the index and thumb of his right hand. “You have a lot of shit to make up for and explain after this morning, especially if you’re gonna help find her.”

Oikawa and Kuroo look at him in shock. “So I can come-”

“We’re still working on a case together and Y/N is a part of this.” Iwa cuts him off with both his words and a glare. “Nothing more. Once we know she’s alive we’re done. We’ll do what we have too, but you don’t get to go any further than that. Y/N wanted to protect you and everyone at the agency, so the least you can do is stay out of all of this. For her sake.”

Wordlessly, Kuroo nods and the pair in front of him start to walk further down the pathways, hopping onto a train and heading into the city. Hajime’s expression is stern, Tooru has an air of uncertainty about him and Kuroo clenches his fists around nothing, wondering where you could be and what’s going to happen now.

“Where are we going?” Kuroo asks once they all press themselves amongst the crowd of people.

“Back to the agency. We left some of our gear there and then we’ll have to stop by Iwaizumi’s house to get some more.” Oikawa looks around the train cautiously.

Kuroo opens to speak again, but then closes his mouth. That just means I’ll have to explain what’s going on to everyone else. 

“Everyone there has had their suspicions about Y/N and the both of us, so it really doesn’t matter if you tell them we’re ex-members as well.” Hajime outright confirms the next thing on Kuroo’s mind. He had the intention of asking, but wasn’t sure how to bring it up in conversation. “I’m getting in and getting out as quickly as I possibly can. I don’t owe these people any explanations as to why I’m choosing to find Y/N, or why this matters to me.”

Respectable is the only word that comes to mind when Kuroo thinks of Iwaizumi. He’s a gentleman, chivalrous and makes good on his word. Although he has a mild temper at times, Kuroo has never known him to say something he does not mean.

“Y/N may have been our boss, but she cared for us more than anyone in that damned organization ever would’ve if we stayed. We owe her a lot, and finding her and helping her can only pay a small portion of that back.” Oikawa pipes up, sprinkling more bits and pieces of information for Kuroo to pick up on. “She’s like a sister to me and it would kill me to know that she might be out there, struggling when I could’ve helped. The same goes for Iwa-chan.”

The rest of the train ride is silent between the three. Kuroo tries his best to wrap his head around everything that has happened in less than twelve hours. Not only was it revealed to him that you were an ex-mafia member, but two of his other co-workers were as well, and you used to be an executive. You ran a portion of the city for years, Iwaizumi and Oikawa working under you until you left for unknown reasons and joined the Armed Detective Agency sometime later.

You were one of the most powerful people in Yokohama, but why did you leave it all? What drove you out? Oikawa didn’t really give a reason as to why they left, but it was related to you in some way.

Walking in the agency doors with a new perspective gave Kuroo an icky feeling. Everyone in the office turns to see who it is, and their eyes go wide when the three figures walk through the door. Oikawa and Iwaizumi beeline it over to their desks and start to rummage through the drawers and shoving things in their pockets. Kuroo stands awkwardly by the door before walking slowly over to his belongings and picking up what he thinks he’ll need.

Bokuto and Akaashi watch him carefully, waiting for an opportunity to ask what was happening. It was Ukai, who walked into the main office right after the front door slammed shut, that broke the deafening silence.

“My office. Now.” The three halt their movements for a moment, knowing the order was directed towards them but each unwilling to actually make their way over. Surprisingly Oikawa moves first, eyes watching the ground as he moves to follow the blonde. Iwaizumi and Kuroo follow shortly after, the other detectives shifting slightly in their seats to try and get a better position to listen in.

Ukai’s private office space only had two guest chairs, so Kuroo was forced to lean against the back wall as they held conversation.

“I’m assuming that under all the circumstances brought up today, Y/N wasn’t at her house and now you’re all back to try and find her.” Ukai’s eyes shift around the room, glaring at each of them individually but lingering on Kuroo’s a split second longer than the others.

“That would be correct.” Tooru confirms. He never feared vocal confrontation since he usually charmed his way out of things, but this was a situation he knew that required a certain level of honesty.

“So she’s not dead, just missing, and your plan is to find her and then what?” The butt of his cigarette package is beaten at the base of his palm before he opens the backing and pulls one out. He lets the question linger in the air for a moment before placing the filter to his lips. A small black lighter that’s usually kept in the desk drawer is rummaged out before flickering to life. Ukai takes a long drag in, and slowly exhales the thick smoke into the cramped room.

A noxious smell enters the senses of every other man in the room, each scowling when they realize that the air conditioner isn’t running and the windows are shut. Ukai’s set on getting his answers, one way or another.

With a light cough, the charmer opens his mouth once more. “Y/N must have a plan if she decided to burn everything and run. Once we find her, Iwaizumi and myself plan on helping her in whatever she decides. Kuroo will be returning to the agency. Depending on what happens with Y/N we may or may not be coming back.”

The end of the cigarette burns bright when Ukai inhales. He’s attentive to every word and weighs the possibilities in his mind, although he knows that two of them have every intention to find you regardless if Ukai wants them too.

“Is her apartment gone?”

“No, just trashed from the Port Mafia.” Oikawa speaks again, knowing that Kuroo is in no position to speak and Iwaizumi would rather be out looking for you.

“You said she burned everything, is that correct?”

“Yes. She burnt her personal belongings and took her car. There was nothing left in her house at the time of arrival but the furniture was smashed to pieces.” Tooru’s mouth dries as he speaks, taking a breath to swallow his spit and think of his next words. “We think that she left her apartment right after she explained everything to Kuroo and the mafia found her address a few hours later.”

Using his better judgement, he thought it would be better to be upfront about everything than only tell Ukai bits. After working with him for so long, Oikawa knows that Ukai isn’t a fool.

A beat of silence passes over them. Ukai takes into consideration all of his options, or what he can control. Kuroo looks down at his hands and remains passive; Iwaizumi doing the same but shaking his leg, hoping that the time would pass quicker so they can get out there and start searching.

“Do you think you can actually find her?” The cigarette is only a butt now, the ashes have been tapped into a tray sitting on the edge of Ukai’s desk, who stares into the stern irises of Iwaizumi. He matches the intensity and responds without hesitation.

“Yes. It might take a couple of nights, but I doubt she left the city.”

Ukai runs his tongue across his upper teeth, lips shut as he looks at this rag-tag team sitting before him. Three men who want to find you desperately, two with the same intent and the third still a mystery to him considering the events from just an hour ago. “I want reports on everything once you get back.” Kuroo’s head snaps up only to find the Ukai is looking between them as he smothers the cig in it’s ashtray. “Go find her.”

[kuiperblog]

DRPGs: function over form

I have an odd affection for DRPGs, or “Dungeon-crawling Role-Playing Games,” which are sometimes referred to as “Wizardly clones” in the same way that early FPS games were called “Doom Clones.”

Legend of Grimrock is an indie game that I’ve found is closest to actually emulating the feel of the original Wizardry games from an aesthetic perspective while updating them for modern graphics; most of the examples from recent history are Japanese and feature anime-style character designs, with Etrian Odyssey being perhaps the best-known (and best-selling).

I describe my affection for DRPGs as “odd,” because few other games have the ability to thoroughly captivate me for the time I’m playing, only for me to completely forget everything about them when I’m done playing them.

For example, I recently noticed that Demon Gaze 2 was on sale for 75% off in the Playstation store. I’m keen to try it out, since I enjoyed the first Demon Gaze game so much that I took the time to 100% (I earned the “platinum trophy” so that anyone on my Playstation Network friends list can see the evidence of my achievement). This is a task that reportedly takes around 50 hours. I say “reportedly” because it’s based on other people’s reports of how long it took for them to “platinum” the game; I can’t really recall from memory how much time I spent playing that game, or really anything else about it for that matter.

I cannot express how weird it is for me to not have a memory of have any specific memories of playing a video game, especially one that I spent that amount of time playing. I can still vividly remember a specific game of Dota 2 that I played over half a decade ago. I could talk for paragraphs about an indie puzzle game that I played for 2 hours in 2012. You could ask me to talk about any of the N64 games I played as a middle schooler and I could probably recall many specific memories from the time I spent with those games.

And yet, when it comes to Demon Gaze, I remember nothing. Not the characters, not the plot, not any of the specific milieus or setpieces. And, truthfully, it’s probably because caring about any of these things is never really something that the game asked of me in the first place. I earnestly tried to remember anything I could about Demon Gaze, and here is a full, comprehensive list of what I came up with:

There’s an NPC whose character trait is that she’s always sleepy. I think she lived in the basement of...something. I think your “home base” was an inn, and she lived in the inn’s basement, and you would sometimes have to talk to her to do certain things or something.

One of the levels had plants and was mostly green. Maybe multiple levels, actually. I want to assume this meant there was a hedge maze, but I’m not actually remembering a hedge maze; I’m just assuming that a dungeon-crawling game plus a green area must mean there was a hedge maze.

One of the levels involved climbing a tall tower, or maybe descending into a deep pit. There was definitely verticality involved, and the map was cylindrical.

I think the main character used swords. But maybe they didn’t. I’m pretty sure that you could dual-wield at a certain point in the game. (I think part of what made the main character so strong was the fact that they could equip an artifact that let them dual-wield?)

That is truthfully and honestly the full extent of what I remembered about the game before I started writing this post and digging up screenshots which reminded me of the main character’s heterochromia. When grabbing screenshots for this post, I found one that showed a character’s class as being “Paladin,” and my reaction was not, “Oh yeah, Paladin was totally a character class in this game,” but “Oh yeah, Paladin totally sounds like a character class that could plausibly be in this game.”

Normally, I’d have memories of specific boss battles, or setpieces, or characters, or story moments. But in place of those, I have memories of looking at Google Sheets that people had made to list all of the items that dropped from certain areas, and ranked them to let you know which items were the best. I could more vividly tell you the decor of the room I was in when I unlocked the platinum trophy than the final boss I beat (or item I obtained) to unlock it. (Being a game for a portable system like the Vita, I actually have memories of many locations and “setpieces” associated with that game; just not locations in the game.)

DRPGs are, maybe more than any genre, a game that is experienced through a layer of abstraction, and I think this is best illustrated by the Etrian Odyssey, which lives in the DS family of systems, which are notable for having two screens (as is suggested by the name “Dual Screen”). Here’s a screenshot that shows what the game displays on both screens when you’re dungeon crawling:

On the top screen, you see the environment you’re exploring in all its 3D-rendered detail. On the bottom screen, you have a map of the area you’re navigating, with the arrow in the middle indicating your current position and orientation. And for the vast, vast majority of dungeon crawling, my attention is focused solely on the bottom screen.

This is, I gather, how most people play DRPGs. Etrian Odyssey puts even more of the focus on the bottom screen by forcing you to draw the map as you walk (hence the bevy of icons and paintbrushes it offers you when filling in the grid). If you try to play by looking at the environment, you’ll quickly realize how much of the area is just copy-pasted assets that are difficult to navigate by. The map isn’t just a “guide;” the game feels less like a first-person dungeon crawler and more like game with a top-down POV where your avatar is represented by that arrow on the map. If you watch gameplay videos and only pay attention to the top screen, you’ll be blown away by how fast it seems like people are moving, but it makes a lot more sense when you realize that people are only paying attention to the map: people will see, “okay, I want to walk north 5 tiles, turn 90 degrees left, then walk west 2 tiles,” and then just input that series of actions faster than the walking animation can actually play out on screen.

I’m half convinced that the reason Etrian Odyssey took off more than any other DRPG is that, due to being on the DS, it has an entire screen dedicated to the map, whereas in a game like Demon Gaze, your screen is mostly taken up with what amounts to decorative filler while the part of your brain that’s focused on gameplay has to focus on a mini-map in the corner of the screen:

So, perhaps you can understand how it is that I played this game for 50 hours, yet have no recollection of the scene/location depicted in this screenshot. It’s because close to 100% of my focus was on the mini-map. I experienced most of this game as an abstraction.

There’s a real sense in which DRPG players (I’m talking about myself here) want everything in the game to be an abstraction. The ideal length for a combat animation is “as long as it takes for me to read how much damage the attack did, so please just advance the battle as fast as I’m pressing the X button.”

Video games are inherently abstractions of real things, like the way that adding the pyramids to my build queue in Civilization V is an abstraction of what it’s actually like to build the pyramids in ancient Egypt, or left clicking in Counter-Strike is an abstraction of what it’s like to fire a gun, but they usually try to call back to the things that they’re abstractions of. Civilization gives you an inspiring quote from some historian describing the pyramids, and Counter-Strike tries to have animations and sounds that somewhat reflect the behavior of real guns. But in DRPGs, I don’t want the combat to be the simulation of my character swinging a sword on an enemy. All I care about is watching the numbers flash on screen, and the reward isn’t “you’ve triumphed over this vile forest-dwelling enemy,” it’s “the number on your exp meter went up.”

While games like World of Warcraft eventually become like this for a lot of people (a game with a hundred buttons that is all about managing cooldowns), you at least start from a place of walking your avatar around the world and performing actions that make your wizard look as though you’re casting a spell.  But most DRPGs start from the position of “all you care about is the numbers, right?” The game is an abstraction unto itself.  It is a game that is made for people who like looking at spreadsheets (and I most definitely spent a decent chunk of time looking at spreadsheets).

Maybe that’s why they can get away with having character designs often clash with the art style of the environment and enemies, and sometimes with the art style of other party members. Several of the character portraits in the above screenshot seem like they were drawn by different people, and there are some moments that, when you look at them in a screenshot gallery, make you think that the characters just don’t belong in the world they’re inhabiting. And while the game is sometimes visually non-cohesive in a way that becomes really obvious if you pay attention, the truth is that when you’re actually playing the game, you’re not really paying attention to all that.

For another example of this, I like to turn to Stranger of Sword City, which has a really cool aesthetic that hits you from the moment you pick up the box (or look at the title screen):

The original release of the game, on Xbox 360, was remarkably consistent with this specific style. But the Playstation Vita version of the game (which was later ported to PC)  gives you an updated character creator and your options include, well, a variety of options drawn in a variety of different styles.

I just looked at the screenshots on the Steam store page for the Stranger of Sword City and, well:

Yes, that is a Prinny in the bottom left corner. Yes, Nippon Ichi did publish this game, why do you ask?

I think one of the reasons I don’t tremendously mind the aesthetic choice (or is it a lack of choice?) in a lot of DRPGs like this to randomly have anime-style characters (even when they might be dissonant with the rest of what’s on screen) that I don’t necessarily need my paladin’s look to really communicate that they’re a holy warrior or whatever; I really just want them to be eye candy that I can appreciate in the moments when I’m distracted from the numbers. But in the end, it doesn’t actually matter that much, because, well...

DRPGs feel like they are all about function over form. (The “looking at the mini-map and not the 3D environment” is a microcosm of a playstyle that’s encouraged by a design philosophy that seems to apply to nearly everything in a “good” DRPG.) This puts them in stark contrast to, say, Persona, which involves a ton of dungeon crawling, but relies heavily on the style (which includes the battle music, the stylish combat animations, and the quips that your characters make in battle) to make that part of the game interesting.

When you down all of the enemies in Persona, part of the “reward” for that comes from getting to deal a bunch of damage to all of the enemies, but a huge part of the reward also comes from the feeling of visceral pleasure that comes in the moment when Akihiko senpai says “I’ve been waiting for this!” and you smile and agree and say, “Me too, Aki. Now give me that shot that’s so iconic it became a meme template.”

I probably would not have made it through dozens of hours of crawling through Tartarus in Persona 3 if Mass Destruction weren’t such a banger of a battle theme. But I spent just as much (if not more) time dungeon crawling in Demon Gaze despite not having Lotus Juice’s rap verses soothing my ears during those battles, which I guess maybe stands as a testament to how good Demon Gaze was at making the game fun?

Ultimately, the abstraction that every RPG leveling system gets toward is “your character gets stronger.” Maybe DRPGs are better than any other genre at removing any abstractions that would serve as a barrier between you and that goal.  And the best DRPGs also give you formidable challenges that give you ample reason to want to become stronger: games like Etrian Odyssey are notorious for their difficulty. I feel the difficulty is a bit overhyped; much like my feelings on Dark Souls, Etrian Odyssey only really feels “hard” when compared with other games where the player is never put plausibly close to a failure state whereas Dark Souls and EO actually punish the player for making mistakes, and EO also has the “X-factor” of having enough variance (due to things like random crits) that you actually do want to give yourself a decent margin for error. Which is to say, EO is one of the RPGs where you actually care a lot about having a team that’s strong enough to kill a boss in 8 turns instead of 10 turns, since that’s 20% fewer chances for an unfortunate event to send you back to home base. Powering up your team in EO feels important and significant way more than it does in a lot of other JRPGs.

There is a very real sense in which the entire point of the obligatory spreadsheet companion is to aid you in your quest to become the strongest you can be by breaking the game somehow. The thing I do remember about Demon Gaze (not concretely, but in the abstract) was that there were some item/class combinations that were wildly better than the alternatives. Some might deride this as poor balance, but in my eyes, “breaking” a game in that way is really more akin to “solving” it, in the same way that one might “solve” a puzzle. I did it: I found right combination of skills and items to trivialize the game’s difficulty! Huzzah! In a “well-balanced” game where all items and classes were all carefully tuned to be equally viable, such a thing would not be possible. Thus, what others might consider “poor balance” in some DRPGs is actually an essential and core part of what compels me to spend time with those games.

I feel like these factors and more make DRPGs somewhat unique in a way that probably contributes to them reviewing poorly. For example, if you look among discussions on DRPG forums about recommended games, there seems to be universal consensus that Stranger of Sword City is a great game (with many praising it as the best DRPG they’ve ever played), but on OpenCritic, only 45% of critics recommend it, and I think all of this is perfectly encapsulated by a 6/10 review from TheSixthAxis:

Stranger of Sword City excels at one thing, and really flounders at the others. It’s a rewarding experience if you’re a fan of challenging RPGs and gameplay depth. If you’re a fan of well-written dialogue, engaging music or proper difficulty curves though…well….there are a lot of other video games out there that may suit you better.

And that’s the kind of thing that makes me want to locate a guide, crack open a spreadsheet, and start a new save file.

Anyway, the Stranger of Sword City is on sale for 80% on Steam right now. That’s $4, for a game that I paid $40 for when it first came out on Vita! I’m tempted to buy it again, just for the convenience of being able to play it on my monitor without having to dig around to locate my old Vita TV.

[themaninthegreenshirt]

Evelyn Waugh's guide to wine [1948] 

The first and essential thing to be borne in mind about wine is that it is something made to be enjoyed. The pleasure it gives is the only ultimate test of any vintage. The corollary of this is that, like all the good works of man, its pleasure is enormously enhanced by knowledge and experience...

The titles of connoisseur and epicure are by no means synonymous. An epicure seeks pleasure for its own sake, not knowledge... A connoisseur is a scholar and a specialist. He requires an abnormally sensitive palate which is capable of causing him as much pain as pleasure. Indeed, of recent years it has caused much more pain than pleasure…

Let us give all honour to the connoisseurs, as to pre-eminent athletes. If we have not their peculiar gifts, it is a mistake to simulate them. There are those who drink their wine so anxiously, in fear of being caught out in a bad judgement, that they fail to enjoy it... Let us rejoice, rather, in the fermented juice of the grape in all its vast variety. After all it is the wine merchant's function to know all the niceties of his trade. His service is to find his customers the wines they enjoy and having studied their idiosyncrasies, gently lead them towards something better in the direction they have taken. It would be a poor librarian who was always seeking to press Virgil and Dante upon readers in search of a novel...

The reputations of certain vineyards have not been capriciously or arbitrarily fixed. They rest on the considered judgement of generations. In general it will be found that the more wine becomes a part of one's life the more one's tastes gravitate towards the famous vintages. But do not set out with any preconceived snobbery. Drink copiously of what you enjoy, because you enjoy it: keep your curiosity alive to find if there is anything you enjoy more...

Champagne

Whatever purpose is served by cocktails is more nobly served by champagne in its naked beauty... Its uses are limitless from launching ships to reviving the moribund. It is acceptable at every hour of the day and night; it can be drunk with every variety of food. Drunk in excess it has the least direful consequences. If I were confronted with the appalling decision of having to choose one from all the fermented liquors of the world to be my sole companion and stay for the rest of my life, I should choose champagne.

Bordeaux

The wine of the whole area is good and eminently suited to day-to-day drinking. To find the finest wines we must particularise and choose from the châteaux of the Médoc which in 1855 were judged and put into various legal categories. There have been slight changes in quality since due to the relative care that has been bestowed on certain properties, but the 1855 categories still stand as a very fair judgement. Three châteaux alone - Lafite, Margaux and Latour-were placed in the first class. There are many connoisseurs who would now give equal eminence to several wines that were then classed as 'second growths,' but what must be borne in mind, and is sometimes not realised, is that to be classed at all is the mark of wine that stands among the finest the world produces. A wine in the third class is not a 'third-rate' wine. It is rather as though a committee had decided that Virgil, Dante and Shakespeare alone among writers, stood in a class apart. They would not thus make Milton and Tolstoy second rate writers...

White Bordeaux… are strangely neglected in England and America. Many dubious liquids appear under the name of 'Sauternes' and many wine drinkers are inclined to dismiss them all with a single perfunctory nod of recognition towards Château d'Yquem. By false analogy with champagne, their sweetness, all their own, natural and deeply scented as the rose, is held against them. There are four or five château bottled Sauternes which can stand slightly behind, perhaps, but in the same first rank as Youem. The taste for them, once acquired, is immensely gratifying and personally I find them incomparably delicious after champagne, to drink very slowly when the thirst is entirely quenched.

Burgundy

The system of land tenure in Burgundy greatly complicates the problem of recognizing its fine wines from the outside of the bottle. Wines greatly dissimilar are entitled to the same communal title... The Château Margaux of a given year is a definite, invariable wine; two bottles of authentic Chambertin of the same year, blended by different merchants, may be very different indeed. Again, the only security for the amateur wine buyer lies in dealing with a wine merchant of the highest reputation who studies his customers' tastes.

Sherry

Sherry is a name much misused and even in the strictest sense applicable to a great diversity of wine from Manzanilla, as pale and dry as old paper, to the heavy, sweet, brown wine sold under a variety of names, often as 'East India' or Solera… I do not, myself, find that the richer and sweeter sherries serve any purpose that is not more perfectly fulfilled by port, but this is purely an individual judgment. Nothing can be more delicious than a glass of pale, very dry fino, chilled at noon in the height of summer. It makes an admirable apéritif before and at the beginning of dinner. Like all good wine it is best enjoyed in tranquillity; the 'sherry party' of recent growth is an abomination to me. As long, however, as people continue to entertain between six and eight in the evening, they will find Amontillados and Amorosos a useful knock-about stand-by, less deleterious and less expensive than cocktails.

Port

Port is the wine proper to the heavy drinker, and it may be admitted that whereas champagne, claret, burgundy and hock are all entirely beneficial and indeed, in a Well-ordered constitution, essential to the digestion of food, port, and the very finest port at that, can be slightly deleterious. Its charm insidiously invites excess, and excess of port, though not in itself harmful, sometimes discloses latent infirmities. The heavy port drinker must be prepared to make some sacrifice of personal beauty and agility. Its martyrs are usually well content with the bargain and in consolation it may be remarked that a red nose never lost a friend worth holding and that by universal testimony the sharpest attacks of gout are preceded by a period of peculiar mental lucidity.... No one, I think, ever contracted gout by port-drinking. What can be said is that those who are naturally gouty may find their weakness aggravated by port. Port is not for the very young, the vain and the active. It is the comfort of age and the companion of the scholar and philosopher. The particular qualities of British university scholarship - its alternations of mellow appreciation and acid criticism -may be plausibly derived from the habits of our Senior Common-rooms...

Port is, of course, designed to be drunk after dinner. It should be drunk at the table; only so in the masculine calm which follows the retirement of the women, when the decanter travels from hand to hand round the bare mahogany, can it be enjoyed at its best. The best of all tables for wine-drinking on winter evenings are those excessively rare eighteenth-century pieces made the shape of a semi-circular arc which fit across the fireplace; some of them have brass tram-lines and a little wheeled carriage to carry the decanters. He is a fortunate host who possesses such a piece of furniture; he must, however, confine himself strictly to male company, for no body of men once established there can be persuaded to leave for the chintz and chatter of the drawing-room...

Hock

Shall we ever, I wonder, drink good hock again?... No one can say what the future of these wines will be. Perhaps they will survive only in memory. They were the product of centuries of devoted skills directed against the hostile forces of nature; if these forces are reinforced by the malice of man there is little hope.

A word may not be out of place here about wine which is 'corked or, more correctly, 'corky' or bouchonné. I have heard people complain their wine was 'corked' when they found a fragment of broken cork floating in the glass. When wine is truly corky the cork is diseased and foul-smelling, and the wine is more or less tainted. It should never be drunk in this condition. Any respectable restaurant or hotel will immediately exchange a bottle found affected...

Wine is a bride who brings a great dowry to the man who woos her persistently and gracefully; she turns her back on a rough approach. For the sot or neurotic who drinks merely for the kick.' 'kick" is the mot juste. Wine has attracted as many false suitors as the art of painting. Do not let impatience with the charlatans lead you into thinking all discrimination affected. Even the matter of dress is important. It is difficult to enjoy a good wine in a bad glass. A good glass is large and thin and clear; the best are slightly tulip-shaped. I have drunk a lot of claret out of an army mug and enjoyed it, but only half as much as I should have done in gentler circumstances…

All that I have written may seem to some readers to apply to an Arcadian age which can never return. Leisurely entertaining, profuse expenditure, a worldwide choice in the market - all these may seem the condition of a past age. We are all poorer and likely to remain so…

If we cannot afford to drink fermented liquor more than once a day, let us drink with our dinner. A half-bottle of sound, unambitious red wine nightly does not cost more than the accumulated short drinks which the average man consumes in the course of the day. If you cannot afford even that, emigrate to a wine-growing country or become ascetic. Do not become that pitiable type of modern life - the man who never keeps anything 'in the house' but likes stopping for 'quick ones' at public houses. If you can afford, sometimes or often, more than this minimum, build round the central fact of the dinner wine - add a glass of port after or a glass of sherry before the meal; choose a slightly more interesting main wine. Choose your friends from people of similar tastes and when you entertain them, build more ambitiously. Ensure that the food, however sparse and simple, shall be what will enhance the wine and not destroy it. These are the foundations on which the restoration of good living can be built, until perhaps we shall one day see the return of days of plenty, and wine fully honoured in all its splendour.

[cincinnatusvirtue]

Jan Janszoon also known as Murat Reis the Younger (c. 1570-c. 1641) Dutch Barbary Pirate and founder/leader of a pirate republic, Republic of Sale...

Mention pirates and you may well conjure a number of images in the mind.  It depends on the context you’re discussing in terms of history and placement in the world.  The western world usually has an image of a swashbuckling and misunderstood rogue or misfit outcast who has been rejected from their society or can’t tolerate authority so they take to a life on the high seas in search of freedom, adventure and plunder.  Edward Teach (1680-1718) better known as Blackbeard is sometimes cited as the archetypal pirate in many modern works of fiction.  Or one might picture the character of Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean film franchise.  Images that are based in elements of truth but probably watered down from the reality of the harsh existence pirates found themselves in and the harsh price they exacted from others.

Another type of pirate, widely talked about but not perhaps as well known in some parts of the world is that of the Barbary pirate or Barbary corsair.  The Barbary pirate were privateers or pirates from an Islamic background typically and sometimes used a nominally religiously infused perspective to ply their trade.  They usually hailed from or were based out of the so called Barbary Coast of North Africa, so named for the native Berber peoples who made up the majority of these lands, Berber being a corruption of the ancient Greek for Barbarian a term applied to all non Greco-Roman peoples in antiquity.  These lands were the modern nations of Morocco, Algeria, Tunisia & Libya in particular.  These pirates were largely in operation from the 16th-19th centuries with their zenith being in the early to mid 17th century.  The modern states of North Africa were not full fledged nation states as they are today, in fact they were instead made up of various city states that with the exception of Morocco were nominal parts of the Turkish Ottoman Empire.  These locations while part of the Ottoman sphere of influence had relative degrees of autonomy that fell to their local governors called dey or bey or pasha.  All honorific titles taken from Turkish to roughly mean leader or governor.  The pirates on behalf of their dey or pasha or sometimes on behalf of themselves had virtual control of over their city-states and the surrounding seas.

The most prominent grounds to find these pirates and their bases was the Western Mediterranean and Atlantic seaboard of  Western Europe.  Their primary focus was to engage in the plunder of merchant ships and occasionally raid coastal villages and towns.  The main target wasn’t so much goods like money or inanimate objects but rather in the capture of  people, mostly Europeans and later Americans to become part of the greater Islamic slave trade within the preexisting Ottoman and Arab slave trades which spanned from Asia to Africa and Europe.  Now keep in mind slavery was not exclusive to any one society, culture or location, slavery and human trafficking was commonplace on virtually all continents among all peoples during the 16th-19th centuries.  However, the focus of this post will be on the Barbary slave trade and to provide a snapshot of the practices within that context.

Not all Barbary pirates were born within the Islamic world, in fact some of the best known were originally Christian or Jewish and later converted to Islam.  One of the best known was a Dutchman named Jan Janszoon (Jan Jansen) who took on the later moniker of Murat Reis the Younger...

Early Life...

-Not much of Jan’s early life is documented, other than he was born in the city of Haarlem in the Netherlands in roughly the year 1570.  Sources don’t definitively state who his parents were other than we can determine his surname followed the Dutch patronymic naming system of Janszoon or Jansen meaning “son of Jan or son of John” in English.  

-At the time of Jan’s birth, the Netherlands was technically part of the Catholic Spanish Empire.  However, the ethnic Dutch who were primarily Protestants of the Calvinist Dutch Reformed Church were increasingly at odds with Spanish rule, what resulted was the Eighty Years War or War of Dutch Independence (1568-1648).  Seven northern provinces of the Netherlands, one of the most powerful being Holland formed the united nucleus of new country determined to breakaway from Spanish rule.  This became the Dutch Republic.  What followed was a period of off and on warfare, colonial expansion and a flowering of cultural expression in art, commerce and the establishment of relatively tolerant values based in individualism.  This was reflected in the largely Protestant personalized philosophy of their religion.  The Dutch Republic became a place of comparative religious freedom within Europe and its government was run more by a legislative body than a monarch, though it had monarch like figures with varying degrees of power, more symbolic than absolute.  This contrasted with the absolute monarchy and centralizing of power in most of 17th-18th century Europe.

 -Jan’s profession wasn’t known either, other than at some point he took to a life at sea, it is speculated by some sources that he was apprenticed on merchant ships as a teenager which enabled him to learn the skills of sailing and nuances of trade and diplomacy in all dealings that would later serve him in life.

-In 1595, Jan is recorded as marrying a woman, presumably named Soutgen Cave with whom he had at least one daughter and possibly a son, Edward  The daughter, Lysbeth, was definitively confirmed by virtually all sources and would play a role in her father’s later life.

-Jan would eventually abandon his family in the Netherlands and would never return to them in a long lasting fashion.  Jan appears to have been restless and turned to a life at sea, first as a Dutch privateer on behalf of the Dutch Republic, raiding Spanish merchant ships in an effort to hurt the economy of the nation that nominally ruled over the Dutch Republic.  

-However, in the early 17th century a nominal period of peace or truce was established between Spain and the Netherlands, though the war and issue of independence wasn’t officially resolved.  Jan during these years appears to have left the official capacity of serving under the Dutch flag and instead made his way to Spain and North Africa and largely went into business for himself.

Algiers and Spain “Turning Turk”...

-The timeline is somewhat confused based on the sources we have but Jan’s adventures appear to have taken him to the Canary Islands off Africa’s coast where he was captured by Barbary pirates, possibly under the Ottoman privateer of Albanian extraction, Murat Reis (The Elder).  Jan was conveyed to Algiers (modern capital of Algeria) where he was most likely considered for a life of slavery.  However, it appear Jan either made the conversion to Islam outright to officially spare him the pain of slavery, since nominally Islam forbids the enslavement of other Muslims, though this was not always practiced since other Muslims were occasionally enslaved by the Barbary pirates.  The other possibility is that Jan convinced his captors of his suitability as a sailor and guide and offered his services if not his faith, though it most likely he converted to Islam at this time, probably as a practical matter.  The conversion in European circles was known as “turning Turk” since Turk became a blanket misnomer to all Muslims regardless of ethnicity at this time.

-Jan also made his was to Spain, in particular the port city of Cartagena where in the first decade of the 17th century, some of the last sizable remnants of a Muslim community lived, descended from Muslims that once controlled most of the Iberian Peninsula in the semi-autonomous province of Al-Andalus (Andalusia) from the 8th century to the year 1492.  

-Since 1492, the Christian kingdoms of northern Spain and Portugal pushed backed the Muslims and “reconquered” Iberia from Muslim rule.  The Spanish monarchy overtime changed from relative tolerance of Muslims and Jews to threats of expulsion, forced conversion or death for non-Christians.  In the midst of all this Jan, either not yet a Muslim or a Muslim who as a European could pass for a Christian met a new woman, sources can’t confirm her identity beyond the Spanish name Margarita.  Margarita was known to be a Spanish Moor or Muslim of mixed ethnic background, most likely Arab-Berber with roots in Morocco.  She was part of a community known as Mujedars or Moriscos, Moors who nominally were converted Christianity but in private secretly maintained their Islamic faith and customs.  Sources also vary on whether Margarita was a woman of high birth or nobility or a domestic servant to a Christian family.  There is even a source that speculates her genealogy can be traced in part to the then ruling dynasty of Morocco, the Arab Saadi dynasty which claim descent from the Islamic prophet Muhammad through the Prophet’s daughter Fatima. 

-What is known is that Margarita would become Jan’s wife, the first of four permissible simultaneous wives under Islamic law.  It is not known if Jan ever took another wife.  His first Christian marriage in the Netherlands would be viewed as invalid under from the Islamic viewpoint.  Jan and Margarita also had four sons whose names are Abraham, Anthony, Philip & Cornelis.  All four would have been raised as Muslims by their parents, from this point on this became Jan’s family.  His Dutch family is variously reported to have been ignored or still the recipients of child/spousal support from Jan who would send portions of his earnings to them.  There is evidently truth to this given that his daughter Lysbeth later visited him late in life, suggesting a good enough relationship if distant.

Sale...

-In roughly the period 1609-1612 the family would have left Spain for Algiers and later Morocco and settled in the city of Sale, today a twin city of the capital of Rabat.  Sale had a long history but a number of thousands of expelled Muslims from Spain would come together to form the nucleus of a new period of history in Sale.  These Muslims would have differed from the Berbers of Morocco despite their overlapping ethnic similarities, in that they grew up speaking Spanish probably in addition to Arabic and would have had Spanish influenced customs, this put them at odds with their fellow Moroccans.  

-Jan in his travels would have been multilingual.  In addition to his native Dutch he would have known Spanish and likely Arabic, English and possibly French at the very least.

-1619 saw the city of Sale which had a small Barbary pirate operation already declare itself an independent republic, not subject to the authority of the Sultans of Morocco, then ruled by two brothers of the Saadi dynasty in a virtual state of civil war  At the center of this “revolt” was Jan himself, now known as Murat Reis (The Younger), taken after his former captor who had passed away a decade before.  Jan was already successful in conducting raids for Algiers on European shipping, mostly of Spanish shipping and other nations.  Though he was known to release or ransom his fellow Dutch from captivity in many instances.

-Sale in its newly declared independence was helmed by a ruling council of 14 leading pirates who elected Jan at its Grand Admiral (head of the fleet) and President.  The newly minted Republic of Sale, was a functioning de-facto city-state that was run by and for Barbary pirates who enriched themselves off of the slave trade and sale of plunder of other goods taken from European ships.

-Sale’s fleet was small at first, numbering 18 ships, mainly of the “polacca” design, the ships were small, sleek and fast.  The harbor at Sale was the mouth of the Bou Regreg river which divided Sale & Rabat on the north and south banks respectively.  The harbor was protected by a sandbar and due to the small design of the ships with they had the ability to slide over the sandbar and dock in the shallow harbor, where European ships typically required deep ports for docking due to their deep and large hulls.  Sale at the time also benefitted from relative isolation with next to no roads leading to the city from land and it was purely a port city.

-Jan is noted by all sources as an intelligent and brave fighter as well as able administrator, the docking fees, percentages of profits from slave sales and others good sold made Sale blossom financially under Jan’s administration.  Nominal fees to the Sultan also helped maintain their semi-autonomy, in recognition of this and due to other deeper difficulties Sultan Zidan Abu Maali of the Saadi dynasty made Jan the ceremonial Governor of Sale.

-Jan and the Sale Rovers as his fleet was called in English sources was known for their guile.  Carrying multiple flags on board Jan and fleet were known to approach ships and like a chameleon adapts to their surroundings by changing colors, the pirates would fly friendly flags as they approached their prey.  This meant they kept informed on the latest diplomatic changes of the day and using this ruse got close to their quarry and then suddenly would raise their own flag of the two conjoined sabers on a field of green or the crescent moon of Islam and frighten their victims.  Barbary pirates in general speaking foreign tongues with a fearsome appearance of swords and pistols in hand and dagger in mouth relied on intimidation and very often tried to capture their victims without an actual fight.  Since the goal was enslavement harm or death to their prisoners was not ideal and psychological terror was their foremost weapon hence why they chose merchant and passenger ships and usually fled at the sight of military ships.

-According to the known accounts Jan and his men treated their prisoners relatively humanely given the circumstances as Barbary piracy was well known by this time, most knew their fate would not be good, few slaves ever returned to their homeland or another destination.  Typically, women and children would be separated from the men, meaning families were often divided.  Once arrived at port, they would be separated according to age and gender since they served different purposes.  Men would typically be used for forced manual labor to their Muslim masters or serve as oarsmen or servants on ships, rarely setting foot on land for long periods of time.  Children would be taken to serve as domestic servants in Muslim homes and women would typically be sold to become domestic servants as well.  Occasionally  women were made into sex slaves to their masters, sometimes ending up in the harems of the Sultan or other Muslim rulers.  On the auction block as is true of slaves anywhere, one would be publicly displayed sometimes naked or asked to run and jump or to be prodded and inspected by prospective buyers.  Those in good health commanded the highest price.  Some slaves were also ransomed through funds raised by the family, government or Christian religious orders, though this fueled the Barbary pirates economy and perpetuated the cycle of enslavement.  Jan is known to have made large profits to fund his family, fleet and home and is known to have had many servants, most probably being men to perform manual labor in maintaining his fleet for future slave runs.

-Jan also occasionally ventured outside of the Western Mediterranean and Atlantic near the Canary Islands, sight of his own capture years before.  He was known to base himself on islands off the coast of England and even return to the Netherlands.  Using his Dutch citizenship and his new found role as an Admiral nominally in the Moroccan navy, he had diplomatic immunity and for his service in attacking the hated Spanish, he was viewed with mixed feeling in his homeland as his fame had spread by this time.  The authorities banned piracy officially and condemned it and thought him a bad example, even if he exacted a toll on the Spanish economy which rivalled the Dutch and was still at war with them.  During one visit back to Amsterdam in 1622, the authorities located his first wife and their children in the hopes the sight of them would spurn him to give up his piracy, it failed.  To make matters worse, he had somewhat a folk hero appeal that lead several Dutchmen to actually leave behind their lives in Amsterdam and leave to join his crew for a life of piracy, a testament to the charisma he probably possessed.  His crew would have been multiethnic containing other Europeans including Dutch, Spanish, French, English and German crewmen alongside Arabs, Berbers and Turks.  Spanish & Arabic would have probably served as lingua francas onboard.

Return to Algiers...

-By 1627, the political situation in Morocco had deteriorated and for safety reasons he took his family to Algiers.  His son Anthony had by this time now an adult left Morocco for a life in the Netherlands and would eventually marry a Dutch woman and immigrate under the auspices of the Dutch West India Company to North America, settling in the colony of New Amsterdam, modern day New York City.  Anthony was known as Anthony Janszoon Van Salee in Dutch.  He was the first Muslim recorded to have been a long term settler in North America and kept the first known copy of a the Qu’ran in America as well, reputed to be a copy of the Moroccan Sultan’s personal Qu’ran which was a gift and a testament to the honorifics bestowed upon the Janszoon family.  Anthony became a successful farmer, landowner and merchant in New Amsterdam and helped found settlements that made up modern day Brooklyn, New York.  He was known to have an independent streak like his father and little regard for authority, making him a colorful character in colonial America.  Through Anthony, Jan has many living descendants in America (see my previous post on Anthony) including the Vanderbilt family which became wealthy in the 19th century. 

-Upon his return to Algiers, Jan resumed his piracy this time conducting two of his most famous raids in 1627 and 1631 respectively.  First, he had his crew leave from England northward to Iceland of all places, where they captured a couple hundred Icelanders and a few Danes from Denmark, all were sold into slavery in Algiers where Jan continued his large profits.  The second took place in Ireland at the village of Baltimore, once more he successfully made off with hundreds of prisoners, only two would ever return to Ireland.  This latter raid was lamented in the 19th century Thomas Davis poem The Sack of Baltimore.  In both instances, Jan’s crew went ashore and captured villagers from their homes, again using intimidation with probably only enough physical violence so as to intimidate and deter resistance.  In the case of the Baltimore raid, Jan’s crew attacked in the middle of the night abducting people from their sleep.

Capture...

-1635 saw Jan captured while at sea in the Eastern Mediterranean, captured by the Christian military order, the Knights of Rhodes or Knights Hospitaller.  He was kept on the island of Malta, the details of his confinement are murky, but he was known to have been beaten and subjected to torture though he never renounced Islam and was known to have become quite pious in his faith.  He encouraged many European captives to convert and spare themselves slavery as Islam forbids enslavement of other Muslims.  In fact, the Muslim view of Jan and his fellow Barbary pirates at the time was widely one of celebration and righteousness.  Not only did it provide economic benefit but the enslavement of non-Muslims was viewed as an act of almost holy war waged against infidel peoples and the pirates were warriors of Islam acting in a righteous manner.

-Jan’s imprisonment lasted five years until he was freed by Tunisian Barbary pirates in a raid on Malta.  He was heralded with great pomp in 1640 at his release having achieved fame in the Islamic world as well as have been a scourge to Christians in Europe.

Final return to Morocco...

-Jan was essentially in search of work despite his old age and feeble condition from his imprisonment.

-He returned to Morocco but not Sale where he made his name and fortune but instead, the new Sultan made him Governor of Oualidia further south on the Moroccan coast.  The modern day seaside resort had a unique lagoon and a new fortress or “Kasbah” was built specifically for Jan.  He also maintained a home in nearby Safi, no longer at sea, he retired and merely administered the area but appears to have been restored to his wealth, his wife Margarita is presumed to have predeceased him either in Algiers or Morocco before or during his imprisonment on Malta.

-In 1641 his daughter Lysbeth from his first marriage travelled with a Dutch embassy to Morocco to greet the new Sultan.  Lysbeth and her husband met with Jan, supposedly both on their docked ship and and his many homes, he was described as being enfeebled but surrounded by luxury and comfort attended to by servants.  Lysbeth stayed with her father for months, the only extended period of time since her childhood, presumably this meant despite his physical distance, their relationship was relatively good.

-No further sources of Jan’s life are known, its presumed he died shortly thereafter of natural causes and was buried in Safi, Morocco in an unmarked grave but no source has yet validated this.

[blazehedgehog]

Is it me or are fangames and indie games looking more and more professional?

I think you can probably trace a line directly from Unity and Unreal Engine moving from paid to free a few years ago. The kids who grew up tinkering with game creation tools are now becoming young adults with a lot of experience under their belts.

We’re also reaching a point where, like... so a big problem with things like Unity, or Game Maker, or Clickteam Fusion is overhead, right. You get better performance when you write a specialized engine that focuses on the needs of one game. This is why something like Devil May Cry 5 can run at 60fps on the PS4 and look amazing, whereas Yooka-Laylee on the PS4 only hits 30fps, has input lag, and only really looks okay.

DMC5 is running on something custom-made just for Capcom, and Yooka-Laylee is running in Unity. It’s the “jack of all trades, master of none” problem I’ve mentioned recently on this blog. Unity specializes in nothing, it has to do everything, so it’s also a little bit bad at everything, too. That’s the curse of casting such a wide net.

But something you learn is that eventually you reach a point where that doesn’t matter. Hardware catches up enough so that even greedy code with lots of overhead still runs well even if it’s not super optimized.

This happened with the original PC port of Oddworld: Stranger’s Wrath. The original Stranger’s Wrath came out as an Xbox exclusive in 2005, and the game never made it to any other platform because it sold poorly and Oddworld Inhabitants (the developer) shut down.

In 2011 or so, it was rescued by a new developer called “Just Add Water” (JAW) who made a PC port. They ported the entire game directly from the Xbox with little consideration on hardware differences between a modern PC and a 9 year old game console. They considered this quick-and-dirty port “good enough”, because on their test machine (not outrageously powerful, but higher end) they could run the game at 800x600 at 30-40fps.  But... if you stop and think about it, that’s ridiculous -- the game was six years old at this point, target hardware was a decade old or more, and if you ran a vintage PC game from that era on that modern machine, it would absolutely be a locked 60fps with all the settings maxed out. The fact they were boasting about 40fps at a low resolution for the PC port of a six year old Xbox game was super weird.

I remember this because I had a mid-to-low range PC at the time, and for me, that first release of the Stranger’s Wrath PC port was a complete disaster. When you consider the specs of the 2001-era Xbox and the type of visuals Stranger’s Wrath was pushing, even my aging PC still should’ve been able to handle the game no problem. Instead, the framerate was a slideshow at best.

But the “standard” of hardware had raised enough that when JAW made their sloppy, cheapy port, it ran “fine” on their target system. They didn’t bother to optimize things any further than that because it just didn’t matter. There was no need to tinker with something that already ran “fine.” My system was behind the curve, so the game wasn’t going to run well on my hardware, no matter how much it didn’t make sense considering the game’s true age. 

(Note: About four or five years after the first release, JAW returned to the Stranger’s Wrath PC port and effectively re-wrote the entire rendering engine from scratch, so it’s much more optimized nowadays. It just took them half of a console generation to finally fix it.)

Circling back around to game engines being overstuffed “jacks of all trades,” we’re reaching that point with these game creation tools. Compared to what they SHOULD be, it doesn’t matter how bloated and slow they are, because hardware is reaching a point where it can just power through all that bloat and still deliver a nice experience. Whereas there was a time you’d have to do things “the hard way” to achieve nice looking results, now there’s so much breathing room with hardware that you can fill it up with whatever clumsy spaghetti code you want and that might still turn out okay.

If you dream it, you can make it, even if you don’t necessarily know how to make it well.

[madamhatter]

act 0. observer’s notes your name is….. finding place in exile, the ramifications of war, and the scars it makes (Posttraumatic Stress Disorder)

Discussion on PTSD and its play in writing Sophie in the Topaxi verse. A general (mental) profile of the Sorceress in this setting would be included.  Includes connecting recurring imagery and rifts spotted in-character writing in the Topaxi verse. (Kind of spoilers!)

READ AT YOUR OWN CAUTION.

The story of displacement is a common tale for many of the Roles in Topaxi. Be it if you’re of those surviving past the war, having escaped the clutches of social prejudice of your home country, or even in rift from self-persecution, the belongingness that was once felt is adrift and lost to the ever-revolving and never-stopping world we live in.  As of the latest conquest conducted by the Topaxi Advancement Forces (TAF), the continent of Gaea has had several of its countries turned territories or effaced within the past seven to eight years. It has been over two years since the invasion and TAF is on standby as the last emperor had suddenly and mysteriously passed away. 

One of the last countries to be taken by the Empire was a smaller region towards the north of the continent with one coast belonging to the open sea. Such a place, which was incredibly small and considered nameless by then, was the home of the Sorceress.

In the wake of post-war life, most have found their living in making a living, while a rare few live to make a change. So ends up Sophie Hatter, the confirmed one of eight survivors from her hometown, to Topaxi with no remnants of family with her as they are located elsewhere in the Topaxi empire. (A complicated situation. It is connected to Sophie’s mother and it is the reason why Sophie is the last Hatter to leave her home country). She is holding herself together with only the clothes on her body and whatever items survived the destruction in a small messenger bag she found in the debris of her late childhood home.  So, where does Sophie find herself...? What is she like now? 

Similar to discussed cases in Topaxi with certain roles being exposed to and/or participating in the war, Sophie Hatter is one of those cases. She developed Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) that is comorbid with general anxiety disorder, panic disorder, and major depressive disorder. NOTE: Major depressive disorder would be a differential diagnosis. However, the symptoms exhibited by Sophie by the time she is 19, and after the course for acute stress disorder to be diagnosed (~3 days to a month), does reflects does include symptoms for “PTSD Criterion B or C symptoms” and  “PTSD Criterion D or E” (p 279, DSM-5). Meaning that comorbidity is possible diagnosis or this disorder soon developed because of the traumatic event in place. 

Sophie struggles with creating herself as she was before; there is an intrusion that exists within her and she is acutely aware of it and believes that she must do something about it. This nuisance she classifies, however, cannot be as easily undone as she realizes and her understanding of it is very limited, given the fact that the world of Topaxi has limited resources and research committed to psychology.

While the city-state of Topaxi can be considered modern and ahead of its time with the presence of UCAT, their progression and developments are not concurrent (yet) with the going-ons of today. While its history may not have been dedicated to vulnerable populations and certain experiences they might have faced, changes are being made with new projects, but there is still a way’s to go. 

Sophie Hatter, externally, is a persistently active figure, working with the newly made community in her apartment and living day-to-day with newly found relationships. However, she remains within arms’ distance with others while providing help, working to her best to keep stability around her as much as she can. Her schedule, during the day, is extremely limited and refined by her to avoid as many external variables that may affect her and she does not want to even imagine or experience how she’ll respond. 

Internally, however, Sophie Hatter is still a young woman who is grasping with the reality of what has happened to her during the invasion. Preceding the conquest, she already exhibited behaviors of a childhood that left her perception of the world altered and her self-perception low (to the point of being uncaring to her own safety). However, the inclusion of adversity from events during the war and the continuous exposure from her curse to her escape has heightened and created characteristics, responses, and coping mechanisms to handle what the mind is still attempting to fully comprehend/accept has happened.

Be note, that there are two events in the war that affected her: (1) discovering her decimated town/facing the its destruction and (2) her time before her “escape.” 

Following DSM-5 and the Diagnostic Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (figure 43.10), Sophie has the following symptoms and tendencies underneath these particular categories:  (Numbers denote which event is tied to what.)

A  “Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, or sexual violation in one (or more) of the following ways” [EVENT] 

Directly experiencing the traumatic event - (1) The travel through the desolated country and seeing first-hand accounts of dead bodies, murder, and other atrocities ; (2) Detainment and what happened during then.

Witnessing, in person, the event(s) as it occurred to others - (1) The final bombings and scourge that swept over the valley ; (2) Was forced to watch mutilation and unethical experiments

B  “Presence of one (or more) of the following intrusion symptoms associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred” [INTRUSION]

Recurrent, involuntary, and intrusive distressing memories of the traumatic event(s) - (1) & (2) happens a lot but does not come out through direct and perfect images of what has happened. Usually plays out that she sees the dead bodies and imagines fire around her if moving too quickly or in areas that she avoids because of stimuli that can trigger her.  

Intense or prolonged psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s) - Will enter a state of intrusive thoughts that will repeatedly tell her to leave and push her to go away. Would end up apologizing repeatedly and would begin her move as soon as possible. 

Marked physiological reactions to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event(s) - Turns blank in the face and stares out whenever stimuli (or a combination) is in contact with her ; memories will begin resurfacing mainly through smell, but she has routinely removed herself ASAP. Flight or fight response will be immensely present and it DOES depend on her hypervigilance and whether she is moonlighting as Simeon as not. if moonlighting, the “fight” reaction WILL be used and will devolve into violence. If not, Sophie’s immediate response will be to leave and leave as soon as possible, no matter what it is she is doing. Would end up shallowly breathing like there’s smoke in the air, holding herself, and bowing her head as if avoiding seeing something before her. 

C “Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by one or both of the following” [AVOIDANCE]

Avoidance of or efforts to avoid distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) - (1) Continued rejection and avoidance of topics relating to latest conquests and usually avoids districts that are heavy with TAF occupation (bases, ports, air fields, etc.) ; 

Avoidance of or efforts to avoid external reminders (people, places, conversations, activities, objects, situations) that arouse distressing memories, thoughts, or feelings about or closely associated with the traumatic event(s) - (2) Adamant refusal to enter or get close to medical facilities and certain smells like ammonia will make her hostile and intense (first mentioned in Headcanon Dump #1)

D “Negative alterations in cognitions and mood associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following” [NEGATIVE ALTERNATIONS IN COGNITIONS AND MOOD ASSOCIATED WITH THE EVENT]

Inability to remember an important aspect of the traumatic event(s) (typically due to dissociative amnesia and not to other factors such as head injury, alcohol, or drugs) - Confirmed for dissociative amnesia where the events of (1) and (2) meld together and the timeline is mixed together ; there are very specific images that do not reflect the real scene or are reduced from the original signifier (I.E., the specific image of draping/pouring red)  

Persistent and exaggerated negative beliefs or expectations about oneself, others, or the world (e.g., “I am bad,” “No one can be trusted,” “The world is completely dangerous,” “My whole nervous system is permanently ruined”) - Consistent and returning thoughts of worthlessness for self (’Why am I still here versus....?” ; others are seen to be temporary in her life and cannot be held onto for long ( “they need something from me, that’s why they’re here..”)

Persistent, distorted cognitions about the cause or consequences of the traumatic event(s) that lead the individual to blame himself/herself or others - Consistent blame on herself for (2) but (1) is vehemently targeted towards both herself when it comes to the deaths of her community -AND- people she distinguishes as responsible for the outcome (Topaxi officials and, at times, associates of TAF ) and authority figures from her country 

Persistent negative emotional state (e.g., fear, horror, anger, guilt, or shame) - Amplified when Simeon and the persona is seen as an outlet to let out these emotions she believe she needs to keep in line ; usually guilt, anger, and shame meshed together, which leads to fueling reckless behavior and decisions that may hurt herself (which she dubs as necessary)

E “Marked alterations in arousal and reactivity associated with the traumatic event(s), beginning or worsening after the traumatic event(s) occurred, as evidenced by two (or more) of the following”  [MARKED ALTERNATION IN AROUSAL AND REACTIVITY] 

Irritable behavior (with little to no provocation) towards objects and people - Most visible when moonlighting as Simeon. 

Reckless or self-destructive behavior - Refer to purpose of Simeon persona and her views on her livelihood and how she actively “punishes” herself. 

Hypervigilance. - Already present in Sophie, worsened from war. Contributing to this would be her consistency to keep her and her night persona separated; add on need to keep herself on a low-profile and not recognizable in certain locations with medical personnel and researchers. 

Sleep disturbance (e.g., difficulty falling or staying asleep or restless sleep) - Already present in Sophie, worsened from war. 

F “Duration of the disturbance (Criteria B, C, D, and E) is more than 1 month.”

Has been persistent throughout the ~2 years she has been living in Topaxi.

G “The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.”

Confirmed. 

H “The disturbance is not attributable to the physiological effects of a substance (e.g., medication, alcohol) or another medical condition.”

Not able to be found in context of the comorbidity exhibited by Sophie. Many new symptoms took form after the experiences she had in war. To note, she has been showing signs of a new comorbidity (substance reliance, alcohol). 

SPECIFICATION: Depersonalization with delayed expression (taken a year for these symptoms to begin). 

 - - - 

Sophie Hatter, as previously described, is someone who is coping with trauma through the best way she knows and has done before with her other trauma: ignoring it and shunning herself. However, she has particular outlets that may come of casual consumption of alcohol which happens concerningly frequent throughout certain days if stimuli are present. 

Additionally, while Simeon is throughout the criteria, they were not originally made as a result of what occurred. The original creation of Simeon was meant to be a persona she could use to live a “double life” as she needed to make more money and dangerous work paid well.  Having them as separate lives, in her eyes, keeps her safe from anyone targeting or her family (but, it is clear that her sisters and stepmother are not on the island).

Instead, they have became a violent outlet for her internalized dread, anguish, and anger. Having the “informant” as an extension of herself, excusing bad decisions and feeling out of her body while the world around her happens, has proven detrimental to the process of the awareness, acknowledgement, assistance, and acceptance of her condition. 

Here are several examples of Sophie’s PTSD appearing:

Self-harm/demanding herself to be hurt/trying to mark herself and punish herself

Haggardly, Simeon grimaces while their vest was shed off and resting on the tower hanger, alongside their binder beside it. Their dress shirt was half-way unbuttoned. Over their exposed shoulders and underneath their breasts were imprints.

Scarred fingertip digs into their collarbone. A sharp jab into their clavicle, feeling a minor ache as they push further.  Bruise, damn it. Make some mark. Make color, be red.

-- EXCERPT FROM THIS DRABBLE (SOPHIE’S DISPOSITION).

Association with red and the bleeding of traumatic events (1) and (2) joining together, causing her to respond blankly to the situation before being distracted by Yunuen speaking

Red skies, red sparks, red flow, red blossoms in the sky, red stained on metal, red dyeing gowns, red fringes framing a scratched off face that hovers over your pinned body, red hot pain searing into your body, red, red, red red-

-- EXCEPT FROM THIS THREAD (FIRST ENCOUNTER WITH YUNUEN). 

Survivor’s guilt and persistent negativity directed at herself because of her survival (The marks are related to (2) and the thought is related to (1)): 

On her right hip, roughly the same size as the other, but longer as it had dragged along said hip, the scar was horizontal and deeper than its neighbor, visible from its crinkled appearance. Reminders of life’s misplaced luck, she concludes, not used wisely by Fate this time around. How silly of them to pick me.

-- EXCERPT FROM SILVER STIGMATA (PHYSICAL SURVEY)

Hypervigilance and abundance of stimuli that make her extremely uncomfortable/distrusting of situation: 

A heaviness swells in their chest, an unshakable pressure tightening their rib cage, and yet, this was only normal symptoms of living a life like this. Industrial foulness mixed with fresh market fragrances from the decadent and wealthy market by the mouth of the alley; all the more gag-inducing for the young informant.

However, they clutch onto the empty box in their hands, making out the plastic ridges against the faintest callouses on the tip of their fingers They weren’t ignorant to the truth; how these sounds that place them on edge, instead soothed others. After all, this was home for many. But, for Simeon – rather, the one beneath the mask, it was not. And it never would be.

-- EXCERPT FROM THREAD (discontinued as person is inactive in verse)

One of the first instances of Sophie’s PTSD affecting her and being active in a thread would be her firstt, but short-lived, interaction with Tatyana. The avoidance nature and immediate removal from the situation happens in this case when Tatyana revs up the engine on her motorcycle, shouting from a stranger from the apartments joins in, and the heavy and direct smell and vision of smog. 

Here’s the break down: 

Physiological numbness in the moment; mind is still active, but taking a backseat and removing herself from situation (recognizing self as powerless in moment):

The shouting began as Sophie turns her face away, feeling her skin crawl to a coldness. The words that left his mouth were no less understandable but the ferocity and indignation in his tone was far too recognizable. If she considered it, she could’ve spoken back and defused the situation. The gift of tongues came with the ability to grant passage for others who can’t be brought together by difference of languages.

Physiological response and addition of stimuli that directly relate back to the image of hometown [INTRUSION]: 

Sophie Hatter’s eyes are now but a distant gaze over towards the taller blonde, only wishing like she did when she was younger. To disappear, to toil and fade away, to crawl back to whence she came from. Roaring engines, the smell of smoke, it was sickening. It was inespacable in the floating island, but it smelled too much like what remained of home. Add onto the shouting and it was already enough to make her head ache.

(Unknowingly) reenacting particular body language used during trauma; feeling of helplessness in situation that is out of her control: 

Some of her body was already numbing at the fingertips and she was pulling the black collar of her turtleneck over her mouth and nose. It wouldn’t work to cushion and black the sounds, their volume growing louder and louder like the pain in her head.

Active avoidance, mind begins flight-or-fight situation with altered perceptive of reality: 

“I need somewhere quiet.” She feebly comments, glancing back to the apartment buildings, and believing that there were more people creeping by the windows. The silver-haired woman promptly steps aside. Now, she was ready to shuffle away and avoid the incoming shouts on the block if it continued.

She wasn’t a fan of the memories it brought.

Sudden and abrupt removal from situation, signal of struggling to keep body language together as she wants to avoid an episode: 

“Good luck,” she waves a hand, glancing back to the stranger, before balling her hands into  the pockets of her sweater. She began her quiet leave.

- - - 

More is to be written about Sophie in how she is greatly affected by this. Some drabbles have been scrapped and were planned to express how deep the trauma works. Though, it can be already seen in how Sophie views death, treats her body, a persistently negative view on certain parties and the outcome of life, etc. 

Drabbles that were scrapped but would be considered “canon” that relay back to Sophie’s trauma would include:

As Simeon at Lunazul, she ends up getting to a brawl with someone after the table next to hers is repeatedly mentioning the conquests and graphic detail of what has happened to unnamed people (unnamed nationalistic person). Ends up intensely cold, getting up from her seat, and nearly beating the man unconscious with far too much wrath in her body; she rushes out of the bar and has a sobbing breakdown several blocks away.

A confrontation of “Red” that she remembers time and time again; a consistent night terror that follows her nd makes her unable to sleep some nights; actively ‘speaks’ to it while in sleep paralysis and it acknowledges her well. Scene usually ends up with “Red” above her, face reveals to be face heavily mutilated and gouged, screaming loudly and repeatedly at Sophie.

A shutdown in public when there are large amounts of traffic near her because a detour led her to the highway; leading her to hide somewhere and refusing to come out until “they drive away,” which makes her miss the day she’s meant to be working at Miya’s detective office. 

A short meeting with one of her neighbor’s children, a young 26-year-old working at a hospital in Central and professor at UCAT, still wearing their scrubs and the heavy smell of ammonia on them. The image itself leaves Sophie cutting conversation short and retreating to her apartment. 

- - -

Sophie Hatter is a 20-year-old facing the aftermath of exile from her own country and self and the trauma coming with displacement and surviving the horrors of the world. She is by no means a hopeless case or a lost cause. 

But, she is someone who is going to go through development as someone who struggles constantly: as someone who is unsure of what to do with her life, as much as she wants to live normally, her stability and infrastructure has been destroyed her very eyes. She attempts to reconstruct herself but fails to realize how that’d harm her because she is actively avoiding what has happened to her and denies herself that all of this happened. 

She believes she can “make up” for something she calls an inadequacy and blames herself for. She “makes up” for it by being a community figure in a place that she would never feel right in or safe in; she "makes up” for it by being a reputable person who would never turn down anyone and offers help whenever she can; she “makes up” by continuously lying to herself and hurting herself. 

Part of her screams, another part weeps; one part wants to take vengeance, tear apart everything, and the other wants to curl up and lose herself to the numbness. But, she persists in her hurt with a solution that even worsens these parts that want comfort and healing. 

It is a difficult reality she must navigate, which is difficult because she is alone.

No matter how anyone looks at it, the path of exile is a lonesome one when you do not recognize there are someone else’s footprints on the dirt road. Her feet are long tired, dirtied, and bloodied by how far she dragged herself across this time to figure herself out.... But, with each passing day, it seems she’s getting further and further out from anyone’s reach, and before she knows it, she’ll be going down a path of destruction that’d engulf those around her in ash, fire, and death. 

[repentantsky]

My Top 5 Games of 2020

As we are about to move on to 2021, thank gawd, there are many things to reflect on, but my content is escapism, so I’m not about to get all deep in that right now. Instead let’s talk about the thing that probably helped millions of people survive 2020, video games! Here are my Top 5, and oh boy, I wouldn’t be surprised if I got some hate for this. Minor rules for this, no remasters, definitive editions, ports to other systems or anything of that sort will be on this list, because they deserve their own lists. whether or not I write them. No PS5 games will be here, and I mean anything that’s on PS5, because I didn’t get one, and I didn’t play anything that’s on PS5 either, even if it had a PS4 version, so I can’t count those on this list, because that would be cheating. Oh and, if you’re wondering why it’s only a top 5, it’s because I spent more time playing older games and growing my games collection this year, than actually playing new games. So, yeah let’s get into it. 

5. Dragon Ball Z: Kakarot

I am honestly shocked this is here, but whatever reason, I love this game. Everything from the visual style, to the combat, to even exploring the semi-open world is great. One thing that really shocked me about this game, was the sidequests. Not all of them were great, and of course there were fetch quests all over the place in this game, but the ones I really enjoyed, were the quests where they went into the characters depths of the characters from the anime, by having quests themed around things they would do. Even if they were sometimes joke storylines like Yamcha getting into trouble with girls because that’s something he would do. I even liked the car driving quests, even if I think the stats were maxed out a little too easily. The main story is of course, pretty typical because it’s one we’ve seen a thousand times before, but even then, if it’s a story you like, it can be enjoyed because it’s more in depth there than any games in the series has been in the past. DBZ Kakarot does everything with the story that the Legacy of Goku games did back on the Gameboy Advance, but for the modern era, and I loved every second of it. 

4. Hyrule Warriors: Age of Calamity. 

Another shocker for me personally, because I’m not the biggest fan of...Breath of the Wild (not what you were expecting to hear was it?) but I really liked Age of Calamity. One thing that can often feel daunting in Warriors games, is the branching paths system that some of them use, and also, surprisingly, how much levels can matter in them. In Age of Calamity, the branching paths were not there, at least not in the typical sense, avoiding that problem for me, and if levels do matter, they managed to avoid that one by having several smaller missions for characters to do that were great for leveling them up without you having to spend all your rupees to catch them up, which also meant not having to spend as much time grinding for money as some warriors games have you do. The story of Age of Calamity is also fantastic, doing a much better job of making players care about the champions, and their closet friends and allies than Breath of the Wild did. Zelda isn’t always that focused on story in it’s games, despite having some good ones in the past, but Age of Calamity, really did a good job of it, and is probably the first game in the series to make me actually get emotional. It’s an impressive feat through and through, and it makes the warriors format work for it, by having everything take place during a war. It’s a complete package of a game, that is a thrilling and unique experience, never really seen in a warriors type game. 

3. The Legend of Heroes: Trails of Cold Steel IV. 

If you know me, you might be shocked to hear that this game is only number three for me, but it is. However, that doesn’t mean it’s not fantastic! The culmination of over a decade of games, met an amazing conclusion in this final instalment of the Cold Steel arc. I know this game has it’s detractors, but I don’t see why. The story is fantastic, the character moments are numerous yet not overwhelming or pushy, as they just make sense within the story itself. The combat is as good as always, and despite the change in VA’s for the English release, the acting is as good as it’s always been. To finally see a story come to a conclusion that is built up so well, that has spent so much time making sure it gets everything as right as it possibly can, is a reward all it’s own, and there’s something to be said about finally seeing some characters get what’s coming to them, after years of feeling like it was so close, but never happened. Characters like Juna, Kurt, Rean, Lloyd, Estelle, and so many others, working together was a fantastic sight, and if you’re wondering why I’m focusing in on characters so much, it’s because they are what make The Legend of Heroes what it is, and they are the reason this series is so engaging. I loved every minute of this experience, and the only reason it’s not number one, is because somehow, two games came out this year, that shocked me to my core. Make no mistake though, any of these top three games could have ended up as number one. 

2. The Last of Us Part II

And here is where the controversy really starts. The Last of Us Part II needs no defense, because those that have an issue with it, seemingly either didn’t finish the game, or were spoiled on it, and couldn’t look past what they heard, instead of what they could have felt playing it. The Last of Us Part II is a masterpiece. It tells a special kind of story that really only works in the world it exists in, it has some of the best written characters ever, new or old, it has some of the most wonderful levels ever created in gaming, and unlike the first game, is truly a horror experience. I wouldn’t by any means say it’s better than the original, I think that would be foolish to say, but it stands as one of the greats not only in this generation, but in gaming in general. The deaths in the game are done in a way that makes sense, that adds to the plot in a way that helps you feel the sense of loss that the characters feel. Yes, there is one death in it that will forever leave many people upset, but how it’s explained, how it makes sense that it happens, is nothing short of amazing. The Last of Us Part II, is nothing short of amazing, and I loved every second of it. I do wish that Naughty Dog had managed the game better, and it’s going to be hard to enjoy anything from them in the future if they don’t, but I can’t deny, that the game that actually had me sobbing through the credits, isn’t one of the best games ever made, because it is, and I feel sorry for anyone who didn’t understand that. 

1. Ghost of Tsushima. 

I. Loved. This. Game. It may not have the best story of any game on this list, in fact, I think the ending actually takes away from the real life event that it’s based on, but everything else about it is as close to perfect as you can get. The beautiful world, the fact that you can really tell that culture was priority number one when building the world this game has, just sets it apart from everything else. The fact that the combat is the most engaging combat of this year, is almost just a plus, because everything else was just so perfect. Ghost of Tsushima is a reminder that sometimes, gaming can really surpass just being a form of entertainment, but also a fun way to learn about culture. The beautiful world of Tsushima, is something that cannot be properly explained, but that has to be experienced. The fact that I played the game, and at times only felt like I was playing a game, instead of living in a world different from my own, when certain missions would come up that reminded me of that fact, the engagement was just that intense. I was absorbed into the world that Sucker Punch created, and I enjoyed every last second of it. The characters that were there, the deaths that happened, everything that was experienced in Ghost of Tsushima was to me, absolutely perfect, and for that, it wins my top spot, as my personal game of the year. I said earlier that any of the top three could change places, but honestly, that isn’t really true. Nothing comes close to GoT, and who knows when something ever will again. 

And that’s my list, did I leave out any of your favorites? Let me know in the comments below, try not to hate me too much for leaving out Final Fantasy 7 Remake, and leave me a note with your opinions. Have a fantastic day.    

[chaoticpiratecrusade]

Flexibility and Innovative Solutions to any Logistics Company

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Courtesy: logistics company in Karachi