#managed to get a little hunting in
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Happy Rumble Weekend one and all
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when will eppie hawke and fenris meet tavish and astarion? (:
"And anyway, it won't be that bad. One last little Fade rift. We'll barricade it up as best we can, send a message to Skyhold, go home, and—"
One of the craggy footholds crumbles away beneath Hawke's foot, and it's only Fenris's quick hand that saves her from a plummet back down the side of the barren mountain. "Hawke, please."
"Please yourself. I said you didn't have to come."
Fenris throws her a longsuffering look, the flickering green lightning of the rift casting weird shadows over his eyes, but he doesn't let go of her arm until she's got both feet on solid ground again. "Just seal it and let this be done."
"My heart's only desire, lover," Hawke says, smiling, just as another pair of voices rises from the other side of the rift.
"Careful—careful! It shocks like the entire Hells are in there. Where's Gale?"
"Wherever Karlach dropped him, I suppose, with that little sprained ankle of his. No, I see them, they're almost here. Come away, darling. No need to get so dramatically close."
"This, from you?" says the woman, just as she and her fellow voice round the far edge of the rift. "Oh!"
"Well!" Hawke says almost at the same moment. Two of them after all: a short, slim woman with auburn hair pulled back in a low tail, and a tall, lithe man with hair as white as Fenris's and eyes that gleam like rubies. The man has a dagger drawn already, a thin smile playing over his face; the woman's fingers rest on her sheathed rapier, but her gaze is open, friendly. Hawke plants her staff on the rocky ground in as welcoming a gesture as she can manage. "Fancy running into someone like you up here of all places."
"I could say the same," the woman says. The green rift, still hanging between them and stretching a good twenty feet into the sky, gives an ominous rumble. "Our wizard's been fretting about magical disturbances along the city's borders for weeks. He finally traces the source to this location, and here you are at the heart of it. I'd like to believe it's coincidence."
"Alas," Hawke says, "one of my greatest faults is a terrible habit of being around when things begin. Fenris can attest to that better than most." She lays a hand on Fenris's shoulder, but he's stiff as iron, eyes glued to the man's dagger, and he's reached back for the hilt of his greatsword. "I'm Hawke, by the way."
"Call me Tav."
"And I'm Astarion," the man says grandly, accompanied by a wholly unnecessary flourish of his dagger. "We're here to steal the world."
"Save it," Tav says sharply.
"Of course, my dear. Save the world. What did I say?"
Fenris makes a short, disgusted noise, but Hawke's pleased to see he's let go of his own sword. She doesn't think this Astarion is going to kill them—not easily, anyway—and she likes the look of Tav despite herself. Both of them quick on their feet, she thinks, both moving gracefully with an innate, self-assured balance. As Tav steps around the rift Astarion moves with her like water, without even needing to see where she's gone. It reminds her a great deal of Fenris and herself, actually, though Hawke would give an arm to trust her own feet that much.
Fenris, it seems, has come to similar conclusions, and he rolls his shoulders as he releases their tension. Even his voice has lost its nascent fury, which for Fenris is practically friendly in situations like this. "The rift is dangerous. We will guard it until the Inquisitor can seal it permanently. Be on your way."
"Inquisitor?" drawls Astarion with that same, thin-lipped smile. "Sounds like someone from dear Shadowheart's former enclave, don't you think?"
"I don't think they're Sharran," Tav says. "Are you?"
"What a speculative look you've put on," Hawke says, delighted. "I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about. Unless you'd like me to be Sharran, in which case, I most certainly am and in fact have always been."
Both Fenris and Astarion roll their eyes—hilarious in its own right, but heightened by the clear antipathy still remaining between them. Fenris sighs. "Hawke—"
The rift explodes.
Green lightning shatters over the rocky cliff. The rumble bursts into a deafening roar; the faint breeze that had been dancing around them sweeps up into a hurricane. The air cracks and snaps with a sudden smell of ozone.
Hawke throws her hand over her eyes. She can't see—the wind tears her hair from its bindings and she can't see past the brilliant flashes of blazing green and she can't hear— "Fenris!"
Someone's fingers wrap around hers. She wrenches up her staff, calls for fire—for ice—for anything—but the rift has become a maelstrom and every scrap of magic sucks into the raging whirl before she can shape it. Her boots skid on the stone as she tries to brace against the inexorable pull, pebbles and rocks rattling along every step. She can't—the hand wrapped around hers has seized tight as a vise, but she's slipping anyway, and Maker, she can't—
A man's echoing voice, stripped bare of all artifice, wild with fear: "Tav!"
The wind dies. Not slowly, not gradually; it falls off like someone's upturned a glass over the rocky cliff, and Hawke's ears roar in the sudden silence. The wind is gone, and the rift is gone with it as if it had never been, the thunderous clouds that had been swirling above it already dissipating to glimpses of blue morning sky.
"Andraste preserve me," Hawke says, loud in the quiet, and she looks over to see Tav still crouched against the face of the mountain. One of Tav's hands clutches a dagger she'd wedged deep into a stony crevice; the other is still wrapped tight around Hawke's wrist where she'd pulled her away from the tempest.
No sign of Fenris. No sign of the other one—Astarion. A long white scrape in the stone marks where Fenris's sword had sought and failed to find purchase, disappearing at the precise place where the rift had torn itself open.
Gone. Gone, gone. Her heart hammers in her throat, and she indulges in thirty seconds of agonizing grief before she sets it aside, turns, and pulls Tav to her feet.
"Well," Hawke says at last. "Looks like it's just you and me, then. Ready for an adventure?"
"Yes," Tav says, her grip on Hawke's hand like steel, and her eyes blaze. "You and me. Let's get them back."
—
Everything hurts. Everything godsdamned hurts, and Astarion lets out a pained groan as he rolls to his back and drops his arm over his face. His ears ring like bells, and something twinges painfully in his left hip, and the inconvenient sun has decided to blaze right in his face and gods damn it, he'd known they ought to wait for Gale. Wretched wizard and his weak ankles. Wretched Tav and her complete inability—
"Tav," Astarion says, and sits bolt upright.
No Tav. Not even the dark-haired sorcerer with the wide smile. Just that taciturn warrior in leather and half-plate seated on a rock a few feet away, watching Astarion get his bearings, his greatsword slung across his knees and a deeply sour look on his tattooed face. The skies above them are clear and blue as a song.
No Tav. No Hawke. No rift. No plan, and no company besides an irascible stranger with the same sudden look of dawning horror.
"Venhedis."
"Shit."
#quark replies#Anonymous#dragon age#baldur's gate 3#quark writes#oh lord how to tag this#hawke#fenris#tav#astarion#tavstarion#fenris/hawke#then they go on adventures together and make it home again#eppie & tav are in baldur's gate btw & fenris and astarion are in thedas#eppie & tav have a GREAT time and fenris & astarion decidedly do not#but they end up very much respecting each other by the end#also there's a contentious series of scenes where astarion is starving and eventually is forced to explain to fenris#who thinks it's blood magic at first and flatly refuses to help#but eventually does hunt down bandits & boars & such for astarion to feed and once ONLY ONCE in very dire straits does he let astarion#drink from his arm#they never talk about it again but astarion does eventually tell him the story of cazador & fenris in some surprise tells him about danariu#there's a little disgust on both sides after i think#'you managed to get free from your master and you spent ten years RUNNING FROM HIM?'#'you managed to get free from your master and you act like THIS? flippant and cruel and petty and vindictive?'#anyway they kill a bunch of slavers and bond and by the time hawke & tav get with gale for an interplanar portal open they're cool#hawke and tav go to microbreweries and magic shows and tav steals all of hawke's money out of habit like four times
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Heartbroken reminder that Egwene is 17 when she gets taken by the Seanchan, spends two months in captivity being tortured, used as a weapon and dehumanized. When she gets back to the Tower, she immediately passes a test that's not at all traumatic, nearly gets killed by a Grey Man and is sent on a secret mission to hunt murderers completely unsupervised. During this period of wandering, lacking direction, she naturally gets angrier and erratic, but Nyn and Elayne mostly treat it as childish rebellion against Nyn's authority, with Elayne slapping Egwene because she was mean to Nyn. When the girls eventually get captured because they are not equipped at all to hunt the Black Ajah, Egwene becomes so terrified of being taken again that she keeps on resisting the sisters long past it is sensible, earning a brutal beating from the sisters who throw her back into a cell, beaten to a pulp, with no hope for help this time.
Clearly, Egwene has no PTSD whatsoever.
#egwene al'vere#The wheel of time#Wot book spoilers#The Great Hunt#The Dragon Reborn#Remblai#wot book journey#I think about it all the time#About how early in the books she gets to experience something so horribly traumatic and to receive little support afterwards#None from the Tower#None from her mentors#And little from her friends because they have their own stuff going#And even if the books don't give as much room to Egwene's trauma as Rand's it's always here#Her prime reaction to someone trying to subdue her will be extremely violent#She would rather die than let that happen again#It's beyond me how she managed to rebuild herself after this and mostly on her own#The Wise Ones helped tremendously here#Because she had a strict routine#She was far away from everything and everyone that could remind her of what happened#Being a Dreamwalker has also little to do with the OP so it allowed her to regain control without interacting with the OP#I love her arc from very early on tbh#It's not about Egwene being unbreakable#It's about Egwene living with a pain that could destroy her#That's something she shares with Rand as well
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I think Slay the Princess is so popular partially because the *gets stabbed* "I'm in love" reaction is both intentional on the part of the developers and then they completely follow through on it.
#slay the princess#me @ the Razor: I love you so much and you're so hot and funny and– *gets stabbed again*#and then! the little Voices agree that they're kinda into it too! fantastic game! A+! kill me again beautiful woman!#they managed to make even the Princess's most terrifying grotesque forms the most beautiful fictional women I've ever seen#while never sacrificing the horror elements. if anything the horror and gore and monstrosity makes her even more attractive#like they get it. the inherent eroticism of being trapped in a time loop made with the sole purpose of getting one of us to kill the other#and then killing and hurting and dying and struggling together over and over and over until finally breaking free#she hurts us and we are but a receptacle for the pain. she hunts us like prey and swallows us whole. we beat each other to#death for the thrill of it and keep on going long past when we should've died. she torments us until our heart stops from terror.#we see her as a dominating goddess and she becomes one. she knows what our organs look like. her bloated corpse once drowned us.#we lie at the foot of the stairs to freedom with broken backs because we betrayed her so badly she could only betray us in turn#and don't even get me started on the amazing intimacy/violation of the Spectre/Wraith possession stuff#and we (both the player and the Long Quiet) love her for it and through it
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You let the thoughts pass by as you reach for his old bible amongst the stack of books he left for you. You pick it up gingerly, the cover tattered and worn. The spine is broken, snapped beyond repair. You're not much of a believer in pristine book collecting, but the state of it leaves you feeling an odd assortment of pity and intrigue.
The scent of him is thicker on the cover. Robust. You hold it to your nose and inhale. It smells ashy, of old cigarettes and charcoal. Pine. It makes you feel a little dizzy. The potency of it is strong, gluing to the fibrils of your lungs where it soaks, stains them with the sticky tar of his masculine smell.
The cover is made of old leather. You peel it back, and run your fingers along the inscription inside. To our boy, it reads, the scratch of ink pressing hard into the soft give of the hide. May he always find the answers he seeks.
This seems to be a hope he'd taken to heart. Blue lines bleed through the thin pages. Underlines, highlights. Sections smeared with oil and ink, blurring the words together as he thumbed across them over and over again. The margins are filled with his own notes. Doodles. Insights. He fills space with ink. Musing over his own questions, and underlining the answer he finds.
It almost feels intrusive. Voyeuristic. Had he not left it amongst the pile, you might have closed the book and put it away for the sake of his own privacy. But it draws you in. Ensnares you. His questions grow broader, the subject evolving. The answers he finds in the pages become less and less frequent.
It feels—
Lonely.
His despondency shows vividly when he covers the words in art. An entire page bears the face of a woman. The likeness is shaded around the eyes, in the arch of their nose. It must be his mother, perhaps. Maybe a sister. You turn the page, marveling at the artistry line in dark charcoal. A rifle. A bird. A skull. Cigars, scotch. Dog tags. A cross. Bible passages with toiling lines circled around them. Notes. Little insights stenciled into the margins.
Another page speaks about head trauma. Brain injury. Bullet fragments. Low caliber. tbi is circled in blue with lines branching out from the side of the curve. impaired thinking. memory issues. personality changes, depression.
remarkable the cognitive recovery is stenciled in between the passages over and over again, as if he was reinforcing this notion to himself.
It's jarring. Uncomfortable.
The next several pages are even moreso. It screams its loneliness into the thin paper and you read each divot until you can't anymore. Until the words run together, and stop making sense. It's all nonsensical. Scribbles, doodles, and numbers that mean nothing to you at all. Unnerved, you go to put it away—
Something catches your eye.
It's a photograph.
A younger version of Johnny, maybe. Shaded in black and white. He's barefaced, too. Beard shaved down to a thin dusting of stubble, an odd sight compared to the thick tangle of hair you're so used to seeing on him. His hair, too.
A mohawk. The shorn sides cropped as close to the skin as he could get. The top coiffed and styled for the photo. His asymmetrical hairstyle makes sense now. You trail your finger down the slope of his jaw.
You deep an indent underneath. Ink pressed tight to the thin page, bubbling up from below. You tuck the photo of him, all cocksure and rough around the edges, back into the seam before turning the page.
And it doesn't make sense. Not at first. A series of small sketches cover the page, littered across it like small pondstones leading to the bottom. Nahanni, you know. Recognise the magesty of this gorgeous park. You follow the trail, thinking distantly of your old art teacher in school and the magnetism of the gaze, and—
The bottom is a black circle. Needlepoints cutting through the curves. Sitting in the centre is woman. She sits in the valley watching a moose graze at the bottom of knoll, and in her hand sits an apple—
"What'd ye got there?"
#dundun#and then you talk Soap down from the edge and try to escape#where it branched into three cuts:#he goes to wash the blood from his hunt off and you—#a) grab his truck keys and try to run but he catches you before you can get to the door#b) stay put and try to make the best of a bad situation#c) you get the keys and get outside where you manage to hobble to the truck before you hear a noise#have yall ever been close to a bear?#well they make this little warning chuff before a bluff charge and that's what you hear#also the caribou that soap hunted is strewn around which should have been your first sign of trouble#anyway#the shotgun comes in handy but you hit your hear and soap comes to rescue you
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Do you think Drey’s amnesia extends only to the lore or history based memories and events/people that factor into his trauma? Or do you think he’s also forgotten some mundane things?
Do you think Drey remembers that he’s allergic to bees?
#jrwi riptide#drey ferin#drey jrwi#just roll with it#he can’t remember the cowboy who saved him when we washed up and went with him looking for his crew#he can’t remember the little girl that his pirate crew helped raise#he can’t remember succeeding in aster’s trials#he can’t remember the most traumatic experience of his life#I hope they go to like. the primrose place in the northern sea or they go to the undersea and encounter bees#and he just gets stung. and says ow. and everyone moves on.#then they look back at him and he’s like. swelling.#are you allergic to bees?!?! Chip asks in a panic#cuz chip has a bad memory too#…s’a p’ssbili’y Drey manages#and he peter griffons while they hunt for a pirate epipen or something#do epipens apply to bee stings too or just like. food things.#surely it applies to bee stings?#I should probably look into that
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"lots of patience by boqvist... the other two were two feet from the paint"
this is how paul talks about the 4th line and honestly?
[insert jesper either seeing aj get into shit and just watching him or having to bail him out and gadjo just encouraging all of ajs aj-isms] yeah it tracks
boston bruins @ florida panthers postgame interview | 10.8.24 (x)
"so something there" YEAH YOU THINK PAUL??? IF THE WAY JESP JUST LEAPS INTO GADJOS ARMS AFTWR A GOAL AND GREER JOINS SOON THEREAFTER AND THEY HAVE THE MOST TENDER LINEY HUG HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT THAT
#paul maurice#jesper boqvist#jonah gadjovich#aj greer#florida panthers#2425#happy scrappy 4th line with the tall calm cemtre has returned to us#also its so funny to me that gadjo and greer are stallmates because of course they are#oh lineys...#i like whatever the 4th line gets up to theyre special to me#a hare who somehow managed to not kick in the prey drive of these two hunting dogs#actually they would kill for the little rabbit friend#fox and the hound or something or other
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would you do bird hunting with Aurora given the opportunity? (I dont follow anyone who does hunting with their dogs and it would be interesting to see!)
I'm back and forth on it honestly. Ideally yeah, I'd love to give her the opportunity to hunt and be fulfilled that way. But there are a couple of things I'm struggling with:
I don't have access to training birds myself, nor the knowledge (or desire) to go at training her seriously alone.
Most gundog trainers (incl. my local brittany person who's been helping me out) expect you to go all in, birds should be your priority over all else (including general good dog manners).
Currently, pointing dog training in North America tends towards "make dogs bird obsessed -> introduce gunfire -> reign in the dogs so they're steady". The problems with this (for me) is that I don't want a bird obsessed dog at all and I don't want to use the pressure expected/required for "reigning it back in".
I had a really demoralizing experience trying to learn more about shotgun sizing and I'm not keen to try again.
So in conclusion, maybe but probably not to a serious extent.
#waverlyofthewinds hunts with her brittany!#i have much bigger priorities for aurora#including solid little adventure dog and capacity to be offleash (with similar caveats to mav)#plus i dont like being harsh in training#and a lot of bird dog training is heavy handed#*and yes you can absolutely train bird dog stuff in a kind way#but do i care enough to put that management and effort in? ehh#i do have an air rifle and i had all my hunting permits last season for birds#so i may try again this year for grouse depending how shes doing#the last few weeks have been a jumble of trying to figure out my priorities for rory and how i want to get there#after my bird dog training session last weekend i think i might be done#im not enjoying the direction it's trending#i can always revisit once she has better impulse control and foundations#bird dog training
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Given the way BNHA genetics work, where the kids look the most similar to their mothers, Shinomori might have been Bruce's nephew
Y'know, I didn't think about that, but yeah- a lot of characters look like their moms (Midoriya, Bakugo, Uraraka, Jiro, Koda, etc)
I actually think they might've been cousins. Subscribing to the idea of [most kids take after their mothers], maybe they're cousins through their mothers?
Having OFA for 18 years and dying at 40 means Shinomori received it when he was 22. Shinomori being 22 years old seems close to how old Bruce actually could've been when he was alive himself.
Shinomori being Bruce's nephew is a cute idea though. I still think they'd be close in age, but Hikage can call Bruce "Uncle" to mess with him
Hikage: Uncle-
Bruce: Please don't make me feel old.
An adult that's a few years younger than you, calling you uncle. So like. Bruce could've been the babysitter / older cousin / uncle to weirdo Shinomori and he's just so used to babysitting that it automatically translates over to patiently dealing with Kudo and being protective over him (+ anyone in his care)
(Bruce gave OFA away before he went to go fight, so he really was protecting what was put in his care [Yoichi + Kudo] so they didn't disappear with him. Even if it was just a responsibility and basically their last organ that happened to manifest consciousnesses)
Bruce has Kudo. Shinomori has Banjo. Both are shorter, more risk-taking people that lead the way, but need someone level-headed by their side because they might charge in otherwise.
If they're related, that means Bruce probably also ages well too. And it means Bruce also might have a baby face like Shinomori-
(They look alike. They're also very so cute)
#its cute that some kids who look a lot like their mother have a small detail from their dad too#like katsukis hair shape or jiro having her dads eyes#hc/theory of bruce and shinomori being related#uncle and nephew / cousins#bruce: *about passing on OFA* ah yes. i know. my nephew/cousin who lives like a cryptid in the mountains. he'll do#OF COURSE SHINOMORI TAKES IT NO QUESTIONS ASKED.#ask#hikage shinomori#bruce#ofa#one for all#spoilers#id still think of them as cousins cuz close age and that it takes a min to get my head around uncles having nephews almost the same age#is it bruces cousins kid? his sisters kid? does that mean bruce is a younger brother or accidentally born 10+ years after his sibling(s)?#all cute concepts#i bet bruces hair is actually a big fluff ball. how else does it stay like that in a ponytail#exactly why Bruce needs the ponytail#bruce lucked out he has eyebrows at all. shinomori has little tufts like a baehbyyy#(shinomori probably asked questions but it seems like a fast event with how afo was really hunting down yoichi at that time)#(and bruce and shinomori managed to squeeze it in)#(or maybe he thought bruce was messing with him and was all- .... yeah. sure.)#(Bruce: *after watching most of his friends march off to their deaths* gREAt.)
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"Though I don't know exactly what you are or what you're up to... My bullets will find you — until then, you best find a casket store in Penacony, and ask the owner to reserve a good quality casket for you, imposter!"
Hardly could get more Western film than this
#That one scene in A Fistful of Dollars#The casket maker doesn't appear that way in Yojimbo if I recall#I love those films so much#Boothill has such a... soft youthful voice? I didn't recognise him at first. His voice is beautiful though#I talk too much#Boothill#The way he awkwardly laughs a little and asks almost shy 'Did I make a mistake?' lmao#I was wondering how he got her number and she gave it to him but gave him Black Swan's?#Or was Black Swan talking about Constance when she mentioned that 'she' who gave Boothill her whereabouts? Or someone else altogether?#He was kind of cute with that 'Did I make a mistake?' haha#'get that forehead clean and wait for me' this man is hilarious and has watched far too many movies xD#'are you asking me to write your will? Sure‚ go ahead' omg stop hahahahaha#'Not quite' responds Black Swan. Truly an elegant lady. I would have mocked him to no end#Hilarious too the idea or possibility of her apparently clocking him by the way he talks#'She's clearly not a Pathstrider of The Hunt. But you are‚ aren't you?'#Of course it could be context but it'd be funny if simplistic perhaps to think it's his manner of speaking lol#'go buy a bottle of Asdana's White Oak and warm it up‚ and I'll raise a glass to you' this man is hilarious and would be unbearable irl xD#I love the idea of an Emanator of Nihility existing despite the impossible. It seems very fitting#Also‚ unrelated‚ but I love Aventurine's little whimpers before his 'Didn't think you'd have the nerve to show yourself'#When Ratio claims he 'is the manager of this task' does he mean as undertaker or something real in the mission?#When he says Aventurine won't be seeing the Strategic Investment Department because he's the manager#did Ratio mean he will be the one dealing with the funeral or that there won't be a funeral at all because he's in charge?#I found this confusing
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*covered in blood* i applied for the job
#to be clear: they are requiring a degree that i do not have yet. i am one semester away#so the odds of me getting even an interview w the sort of competition they will have for this position are VERY low#BUT i do have 5 years of experience in the area they are wanting plus another 3 in just general field experience#but regardless of that i haven't applied to a job in over 7 years so this was a big step for me lol#i have a resume! and a cover letter! and really beefy references!#i wont start job hunting in full until i graduate but the timing of this was too perfect for me to pass up#my cover letter will have to be rewritten for each app ofc but my resume is pretty much done. maybe some tweaking to wording for each app#but otherwise its solid#i dont THINK i need a linkedin? its unclear#maybe that will be my next step#but either way i feel weird but in a good way#i even managed to write a cover letter that didn't sound like a corporate drone but was also very professional#its a little short all things considered but its too late now lmao#now i. wait. until mid november lmfao
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i think my university fucking bit me wtf
#it started last semester or maybe even last year but they infected me with an anxiety that completely rewired my brain#i have general anxiety disorder & i’ve had the occasional ‘something bad is gonna happen’ day where im anxious the whole day for no reason#but then it changed to this like. academic anxiety that got so bad i was like. nauseous all the time throwing up i had to go to a counselor#and now i’m straight up paranoid. like idk maybe i’m not using the word right but i’m convinced every day all my worst fears are gonna—#just happen one after the other. my tumblr will be revealed to my family. my toxic ex will come back into my life—#my money for school is revoked things like that.#because adult life is just so confusing and convoluted and works against people#and my anxiety just goes through this loop of ‘everyone dislikes you/hates you/thinks you’re annoying’ so -> ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’#so -> ‘your life will be irreparably damaged and/or you will die’#the ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ bit especially gets me because it’s like bitch how!! i follow laws!! i cheat a bit less than the average—#student! any time someone has a concern with like my work performance or something they politely tell me#why do i have the anxiety of a fucking hunted animal over these things!!#i wanna be numb actually i miss that time. it still sucks but at least i don’t make myself sick#things would be so much easier if i was a house spouse who cooked & cleaned (with no kids) & didn’t have a job or go to school#ofc managing a house has its own challenges and i don’t wanna undermine that but ykwim#i want this fuckin eye of sauron off my ass already 🧍#and don’t even get me started on the ‘you have to do this little task in this specific way or else everyone you love will die’ thoughts#that’s a whole other mess#tw vent#rose.txt
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shout out to thomas from ghosts for yoinking me out of a panic attack before it could really get going
#was shaking and trying not to cry and floating somewhere on the ceiling#then friday im in love came on the radio and reminded me of him doing his stupid little dance and it made me smile and calmed me down a bit#but i gotta give myself credit for not panicking at the panic too much and feeding it more#time was when feeling the thing i felt from first year tm would've sent me into a week long spiral#feels so stupid tho all it was was my volunteering manager asked if i wanted to start doing a longer shift#when im already struggling doing two measly hours a week and nothing else like jfc#but that's cos im not on my adhd meds which make life yknow tolerable and im gonna try getting back on them next week#and i also don't wanna start anything else bc i wanna change my name first so it's not quite so complicated#hahaaa it's already complicated and confusing and frustrating as all hell#but ik if i can just be patient and take these few months to figure stuff out it'll be so much better in the long term#im getting support for the gender tm and I've made so much progress in a month#i still feel guilty and ashamed bc im not actively job hunting or doing more volunteering#and like im just making excuses to let my anxiety win when ik i can cope with it#but i can't handle going into another situation where im misgendered and uncomfortable with my name#im at the end of my tether with it and i need to figure it out#wahoo#mine#vent#in good news tho im pretty certain im a dude more sure about pronouns and have a potential name im thinking of!!
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i wake up and first thing i think of is: during marias search esp in that first week or two, i wonder how many of the search parties were volunteers considering that civilians can help cover more ground etc rather than the travis or newt sheriffs ( esp since canonically in the remakes, travis countys dept is severely understaffed )
and i wonder, too, just how many of said volunteers were extended sawyers & hewitts ensuring all potential evidence or suspicions that could point to their family ( not just in marias case but all of them in general ) is covered / fucked with / etc.
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#something something those relatives further out from the family tree may not deal with the lack of food / poverty as hard as the main#core families respectively do. but both knowing about or doing similar ( the hunts etc ) or enabling it passively has me Thinking.#extended hewitt-sawyers who night-manage the motel(s) that get used to lure victims. cousins who work in either travis or newts sheriffs de#cousins or uncles who operate or manage bars etc. having all these little posts all over newt & travis counties where the locals already#know to turn a blind eye when hunts are underway. who feign ignorance when outsiders try to pry for information on missing#loved ones. who help passively by intervening with the few sheriffs or officials etc who try and actually DO their jobs.#and which ofc you have charlie/hoyt who kills Travis countys sheriff and takes over -- who could put both family and locals who are#complacent in the familys 'work' or who just want to stay in their good graces to protects themselves or their families.#( me lying in bed like ive been collecting fcs for extended families and am tryna come up with some roles they could have played#during marias search between the start of march to mid-ish april dont mind me- )
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I hate that every job hiring lists its requirements so intimidatingly. I always read through them and am like there is no way a dummy like me could do this stuff.
Also my resume always feels way too childish to even send in! It's obvious I've just worked basic retail and food jobs and am trying to make it sound fancy! I even have a section of projects where I list that I ran the Homestuck redraw and I'm just like is this dumb?? Should I not list that??
#AHHHHHHHH I HATE JOB HUNTING SO MUCH#I'm so serious there's very little else that stresses me out so much#Personal#If I manage to get a job I'm gonna start to jokingly tell everyone it's cause of Homestuck pfft
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Hahaha just thinking about how if Oda was alive he could've been the one person who could beat Fukuchi
#think about it#flawless lets him see into the future a bit#so he'll know what fukuchi's sword is gonna do#really i think he's the one person if he had better combat skills#cause poe can only trap him and they wouldnt get the page#tachihara is strong but that wont work#tanizaki wont work because he still has to get close to him and with the weapon enhancer ability theres no chance of that#even if he were there randou can only trap him for a little#if he were to get him in there long enough then he could awaken oda and that obviously involves oda#nikolai stands a chance but only if he manages to nab the sword#soukoku cant do much tbh#corruption wont work when chuuyas dead#idk am i missing anyone?#hmm#OH WAIT#ISNT THERE A THING FOR THE HUNTING DOGS#THEY NEED SURGERY EVERY MONTH OR ELSE THEIR FLESH WILL ROT#IS THAT HOW HES GONNA DIE#THEY JUST NEED TO TRAP HIM SO HE MISSES THE SURGERY#is this where poe comes in#ok i need to post this thing#oda sakunosuke#odasaku sakunosuke#fukuchi ouchi#bsd#bungou stray dogs
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