#make my suffering worth it

[sirenofshadow]

So I got bored and decided to log every single Metal Sonic, Mecha Sonic, Metal Tails, Metal Knuckles, Tails Doll, etc. variant in one place. Take a look why don’t you? :)

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1JL8h9ma4_MNEiPwEeIuay_KabfGA_u5V2v6Dy1m6o0Q/edit?usp=sharing

[seventh-district]

Making Incorrect H:SR Quotes Until I Run Out of (hopefully) Original Ideas - Pt. 4 - Nuthin' but Boothill Edition

[Pt. 1] [Pt. 2] [Pt. 3] [Pt. 5] [Pt. 6]

[corpusprion]

The most soul-wrenching version of Crocomom/Crocodad that my brain has cooked up is the

“Crocodile wanted to keep his child but was essentially told that the child he just gave birth to died and he’s not given the chance to see said son even once.” (aka we are lying to you for some reason and your son has been whisked away by the baby daddy)

So now he’s been emotionally shattered and has become so deeply bitter and guarded. Better to focus on a grand plan, burn the past away and devote himself to the future. Then when it hits, the the realization that his son is right there and still talking to him after he previously tried to kill him is going to completely break him again

also severe denial at any initial gut feeling that something is up with this rubber kid.tm

Its rooted itself into my skull and it aches

[iwritenarrativesandstuff]

On Kurapika's Self-Imposed Isolation

While I recognize that probably everything I'm about to say is going to be super obvious, I just wanted to briefly touch on Kurapika's self-isolation, and the reason behind his not picking up his phone or exchanging anything more than clipped words and business after Yorknew.

I think the obvious answer is that Kurapika doesn't want his friends in harms way, or to be used as a bargaining tool against him. This is an understandable and probably accurate conclusion. After all, Gon and Killua did get taken hostage, and Kurapika was forced to negotiate an exchange. Chrollo picked up on Kurapika's "weakness" right away - that he values his friends' safety before his revenge. Fortunately for Kurapika in this situation, Pakunoda was a whole lot more similar to him than he would've cared to admit, as she placed a value on Chrollo's life even though everyone in the Spider was intended to be replaceable. So, now that he's been through Gon and Killua having potentially gotten killed or seriously hurt, and Chrollo knows that he has a soft spot for them, it does make sense that he would try to push them away for their safety and for the sake of not having an exploitable "weakness" in future. He may also not want to burden them more when they have their own lives to live - he does slip off without telling Gon and Killua for the sake of not distracting them from Nen training, after all.

Except that he already tried all this earlier in Yorknew arc. He tried to tell them they shouldn't get involved, and they all agreed that the risks were massive - but his friends agreed to undergo the risks anyways to help him. Kurapika was even grateful for it - "I have been blessed with good friends."

So, for him to push them away solely for this reason after the fact, knowing that this was very much a likely situation to happen, is a little odd to me. Kurapika knows full well that Leorio would be frustrated, Killua would be offended and Gon would worry. So, I think there's a little more to it than that, and I actually would venture to say that "keeping his friends out of danger" is more a secondary reason for his actions - one that would come across as more of a reasonable excuse to others.

The primary reason is likely a lot more selfish than that. Kurapika has to ensure his mission comes first. And unfortunately, he is fully aware that his path and choice in abilities is deeply self-destructive.

Kurapika needs to make sure that he doesn't have exploitable weaknesses, sure, but he also just as much needs to purposefully worsen his headspace - and he can't do that with those three around.

Think back, what are the happiest moments we see from Kurapika in the series? The one that comes to mind first, and the one I'm sure most of us will think of immediately, is this:

[ID: A screenshot from the 2011 anime adaptation. Kurapika smiles - he looks at ease. End ID.]

It's one of the sweetest scenes of the series imo, right before the whole group is reunited for the first time since the Zoldyck Family arc, and it's even more notable because it comes immediately on the tail end of this...

[ID: Three panels from HxH Chapter 101. Kurapika removes his contacts over the sink. His expression is distant. End ID.]

...and this...

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A close up of Kurapika's vacant and furious expression, his eyes wide and dangerous as he says "It might as well be you." Though the art is in black and white, it's apparent his eyes have gone scarlet. End ID.]

...and this.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 101. A distant Kurapika speaks on the phone on a rooftop at night, the cityscape of Yorknew around him dark, but speckled with lights and stars. He says "The Spiders are dead." His face is not visible to the reader. End ID.]

This is, up to this point in the series, Kurapika at his lowest. In contrast to Gon, who is happy to hear that the Spiders are dead already because now Kurapika can focus solely on finding his peoples' eyes, Kurapika... is clearly not happy - and that's because killing the Spiders himself isn't just revenge. It's penance. It's survivor's guilt. Kurapika's powers, which Izunavi even comments sound much like he is chaining himself in the process of chaining his enemies, are oh-so-beautifully prophecied to destroy him - and Kurapika was aware of this from the moment he set off down this path of revenge.

(As a side note, this is why I'm really hoping we see Gon and Kurapika interact again after the Chimera Ant arc - while Gon has always been pretty attentive to Kurapika's emotional state, in Yorknew, he lacks a true understanding of why Kurapika would go so far... but as of now, he understands rage fueled by guilt and grief all too well. I know we're all rooting for Leorio to reach Kurapika, but barring that, I really think Gon could get through to him - after all, they are similar in several ways, and I find it fairly apparent that Gon reminds Kurapika of Pairo.)

But back to the main point here - I do suspect Kurapika expects (if not wants) his revenge mission to destroy him. I think a lot of times, we forget just how young Kurapika is, and how much his character is dictated by honour, and the abandonment of it.

Certainly, he can and will go against his principles for the sake of his mission... yet, almost paradoxically, he's bound to his promise to his fallen clan; a promise to avenge them made in anger.

But Kurapika... doesn't come across as a naturally angry person to me at all.

He seems like the stoic, vengeful type on his initial introduction... and then we get his panic at Gon's recklessness

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 2. Kurapika and Leorio wear matching expressions of panic in front of Gon, calling him out for his recklessness. End ID.]

...and his near-immediate forgiveness of Leorio after getting the first inkling of his character - of someone who cares just as fiercely as he does.

And after that point? Almost all through the Hunter Exam? Kurapika smiles so readily at them. He's sharp and funny. He mediates at times, but is stubbornly prideful in others. He's very amused by his friends' antics, and it really does seem like he starts to enjoy himself, with them. And, more than that, he counters Leorio's initial impression of him as an independent loner - on several occasions. He decides to follow Gon because Gon intrigues him. Asides from Gon, it is Kurapika who is the most unwilling to fight each other at the bottom of Trick Tower. Kurapika who makes the first move to team up with Leorio, even though that arrangement benefits Leorio much more than it does him. Kurapika who refuses to abandon Leorio to his fate in the cave, and who checks on Gon after noticing his bad mood. Who was furious enough watching him get beat down by Hanzo that his eyes went scarlet for the first and only instance outside of Spider mentions and Emperor Time. Who quite readily detoured to help rescue Killua.

[ID: Three screenshots from the 2011 adaptation Hunter Exam arc. In the first, Kurapika smiles at a sleeping Leorio. In the second, Kurapika stifles laughter as he pretends he's asleep. In the third, Kurapika has an open-mouthed smile as he acquires the airship tickets for them, Leorio and Gon standing behind him. End ID.]

Look at him! He's so bright! So happy!

...too happy. Too happy to do what he promised himself he would do. And that's his biggest fear, isn't it. Without his rage... what is he left with?

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 2. A close up of Kurapika's eye as he says "I do not fear death. What I fear is that my rage will one day fade away." End ID.]

Kurapika is far, far less mired in anger when he's with his friends. I actually dare to say that at certain points, he was able to go for lengths of time without thinking much about it - alternating between almost forgetting in one instance and being hit like a sledgehammer on exposure to a reminder in the next. This violent swing is... actually the beginnings of the natural process of healing from loss and trauma. But to Kurapika, who's made a promise to his people's memories, this is not a relief. This is betrayal.

I think that actually scares him, that he can almost picture it. A life beyond his guilt. That he, too, could learn to be happy, even after unimaginable loss.

And so, as Kurapika continues his mission offscreen, finding more and more gruesome reminders of the cruelty inflicted on his people and losing more and more pieces of himself in the process (in his own words, no less), he prioritizes his responsibility to them, and pushes away his distractions. He cannot be a soul at peace until his work is done; he must be in turmoil. He pushes people away who he cares for, and binds himself, and keeps his people's eyes on him, quite literally, because respite, for him, is unacceptable. Perhaps that guilty part of him even hopes, by the end of this, that his soul will be so unrecognizable as to be fundamentally unsalvageable. But the truth of the matter is, or at least what comes across to me, is that Kurapika cares much more fiercely than he hates. He knows what matters most. And for as long as he does, he still hasn't truly lost himself.

[ID: A panel from HxH chapter 350. Kurapika looks down at baby Woble with a gentle, yet complicated expression. The inking is somewhat softer. End ID.]

Kurapika's soul is kind, really. And it wants to heal - but for the sake of his mission, he needs it damaged and bleeding. And so, he forces himself to exist in that pain. All alone.

[ID: A panel from HxH Chapter 344. Kurapika, dressed in a black suit, sits with his back to the reader, looking down at a photo in his hand. He is slumped a little before the church vigil he has prepared, all his clan's eyes lined up in their jars and honoured with flowers and candles. He thinks to himself "There is no home for me to return to... and nobody to welcome me back. I have nothing left." End ID.]

[the-kipsabian]

[anbaisai]

Do you do speedpaints? Your artstyle is so lovely, I honestly just want to see your process ♡

Thank you! I... actually haven't ever recorded my progress because I'm rather embarrassed about it (including how long it takes me to complete stuff that seem simple at a glance 😭), if you ever watch me draw I think it'd be very frustrating because it's almost never a linear process of sketch -> line art -> colours 💦. This is because I always notice problems I didn't notice at first in my sketch and have to frequently make up for it by re-sketching (and finding refs) in the middle of lining, or do a loooot of adjusting and fixing near the end. So it looks a bit more like sketch -> start line art -> several hours of fixing my mistakes and redoing parts -> FINALLY finish the lines -> colour -> possibly more fixing.

Redoing things in the middle results in the sketch usually looking quite different from the one I initially started with, so I can't even make a proper progress post unless I saved screenshots from earlier stages. HOWEVER. I do have one example I can share because I did send friends screenshots, so here's a rough idea of how I made this piece!

This was the sketch I started out with:

And then this is after I very obviously went to the bathroom mirror to get better refs:

I care a lot about getting anatomy correct even if parts are covered in the final product, so I usually can't avoid sketching the body before I add clothes, hence the different colours just to help myself understand the pose/anatomy better. It wouldn't be this much of a struggle if I sat down and did some more drills practicing anatomy properly via figure drawing or something, but well... I'm lazy... so I always just study the pose or anatomy I need for the piece on the spot.

Line art, which is usually the stage I put the most work into:

Colours + any special effects or final adjustments:

All in all, I'd say my steps are pretty straightforward and nothing special, but hopefully this was somewhat helpful!

[starcurtain]

Trying to explain in the group chat why Ratiorine has me in a death grip and I couldn't find the words so I just sent Little Prince quotes.

“What does that mean — to tame?”

“It means to establish ties. To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world…please, tame me!”

“I want to, very much,” the Little Prince replied, “but I have not much time. I have friends to discover, and a great many things to understand.”

Absolutely "You become responsible, forever, for what you have tamed"-coded ship, my goodness.

[firewolf111]

Projecting onto Roman time!

Janus: Are you okay?

Roman: I'm fine.

Janus: You know, for some reason, I do believe you.

Roman: *growing frustrated* Well, what do you want me to say?

Janus: The truth.

Roman: *chuckling* That's ironic coming from you.

Janus: *sighs* I didn't come here to fight, so if you could just-

Roman: Just what? Huh? You know what?! *throws hands up in the air* Fine. You want the truth?!

Janus: Yes. That isn't what I asked for.

Roman: The truth is that it doesn't matter whether or not I'm okay.

Janus: Yes, it does. I'm not sure why-

Roman: No, it doesn't. Don't you get it?! I have to be okay. I don't have a choice! I'm supposed to be their hero. Everyone thinks I'm so strong, well I'm not. I'm a weak coward. But the one thing being a coward has taught me is how to avoid my problems. How to just *snaps fingers* turn off my emotions. Place a glass screen between them and me. How to feel them without feeling them, like knowing something in the back of your mind without being aware of it

Janus: Because that sounds sooo healthy.

Roman: It's not. I know it's not. But I have no choice. I have to be their hero. I don't know how not to be. They never taught me how not to. It's all I ever was. It's all they ever expected from me. Whether they know it's what they expect or not, it has become my role. And if I don't do it, who will? Who will keep them safe? So what if it hurts? Life hurts. They hurt as well. They have their own problems, and I can help them with it. I have to. It's who I am.

Janus: *extremely concerned* Roman-

Roman: *continuing without notice* It's who I have to be. For them. I have to stay strong, even if I'm not. And I'm not. I'm really not. But I'm good at pretending. I saw they needed a hero, so I took that role. I didn't even realize I had taken the role at first. And now, now that I realize, it's my whole identity. It's the person I've become, the only value I have. It's all they know me as. And that's okay, because they need a hero.

Janus: That isn't okay. Listen-

Roman: I can be that hero. Their problems are worse, right? That's why they unintentionally forced me into this role. Because I dont have any major problems. So, who cares if I don't know how to fight for myself? I can fight for them. I'm their hero. I have to be.

Roman: *leaning on the wall, panting* It's who I am. It's my point of existence.

Janus: ... Oh, sweetheart. What have we done to you?

[napping-sapphic]

Listen you gotta be healthy and take care of yourself and your chronic conditions but also sometimes i want to hold someone until my joints feel like they’ll explode, i want to place their hand on my chest to make my irregular heartbeat go even faster, i want to stay up talking to them just to fuck up my already poor sleep like i just kinda want to love someone so much that it doesn’t even cross my mind to worry about those things

[thebaffledcaptain]

The incredible view from Mount Defiance this weekend at the 1777 Brown’s Raid Reenactment at Fort Ticonderoga. We set up a bivouac camp Friday night and woke up at 5 to trek all the way up the mountain and seize the guns—I’m not going to lie, that hike almost did me in before the British did—but it was worth it to emerge from the woods and see the red sun rising over a sea of clouds, the Fort entirely obscured in the distance.

[quibbs126]

I had another thought with that one megop sparkling idea I keep bringing up but never fully committing to because I can’t decide on any one idea and at this rate I think I’m just annoying people

But yeah, I had another thought, one that I just thought was funny. I want to draw it out, but I’m lazy and also I have a test tomorrow that I have to study for, so I’m not doing it now. But I’m also impatient, so I’m giving you the bullet points/written version. If I’m sensible, I’ll take this post down after I finish the actual thing so I’m not too repetitive

Anyways, so there’s the kid, who is the child of the two leaders of the Autobot and Decepticon factions, and thus, potentially, holds a lot of value as a hostage and bargaining chip. Granted, I don’t know how known they actually are, there might just be a rumor going around that the two leaders have a secret kid somewhere

But anyways, someone (I don’t know who) gets the idea to capitalize on this, and afterwards calls up Optimus and Megatron, who are up to their usual things, claiming they have taken their sparkling captive and want some demands or other if the two ever want to see them again

Now both of them are very confused by this turn of events. Optimus has no goddamn clue what this guy’s talking about, because he’s pretty sure he knows the two of them definitely don’t have a sparkling. Megatron meanwhile does know they definitely had a sparkling, but he’s cycling through his head the possibilities of if this guy’s telling the truth. Because he was pretty sure no one knew about them, how did this person find out? How many people know? Do they really have their sparkling or is it just a trap to kill them? Or is it some idiot claiming this status, while probably not being aware there is a genuine one out there? Or did they just pick up an innocent bot who just happens to kind of look like them? How close is his secret to getting out, especially to Optimus?

But yeah basically meanwhile, while Megatron is somewhat internally panicking and trying to assess the most likely severity of this situation, Optimus is just like, “…I have absolutely no clue what you’re talking about, Megatron and I don’t have a sparkling, isn’t that right Megatron?”, thinking Megatron is on the same page of this being absolutely absurd as him

But because Megatron is thinking and stopped paying much attention, he doesn’t answer at all. And the silence goes on long enough that it’s getting questionable, especially since Megatron isn’t jumping in to defend his own honor that he did not have a baby with his sworn enemy. His silence is starting to become an admission, and the possibility of this actually being legit is starting to freak Optimus out, because again, he doesn’t know about any of this

Okay explaining it out loud does not bring out the comedy the situation is supposed to have. Probably because there’s no visuals and my description of the narrative rather than just dialogue. So like, the comedy doesn’t happen like it’s supposed to, this isn’t the format for the joke. But the image is funny in my head, okay?

I’ll make the picture either tomorrow or Friday or something, since I have things to do tomorrow. I was just trying to explain it so that you could understand my vision before I can make it

[sephospaganplace]

YOU ARE NOT UNWORTHY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE SUFFERED. ALL THINGS CAPABLE OF LOVE HAVE SUFFERED. THE GODS HAVE SUFFERED.

THE MOST HOLY SITES IN THE WORLD ARE RUINS.

[moeblob]

OC !

[skitskatdacat63]

2023 Brazilian Grand Prix - Podium - Fernando Alonso

[edenfenixblogs]

Hey, I came from your post about Night. I’ve been wanting to read it for a while now, but I’ve heard that the English version is very watered down and stripped of the original emotions that are in the Yiddish version. Do you know if there are any more accurate English translations, or if the Hebrew one is more like the original? Sorry if you’re not the right person to ask about this, you just seem quite knowledgeable

(also coming from my vent account so I don’t get any hate on main for being a Jew lol)

No worries at all, @nonbinary-vents:

I want to be clear about something: My post was aimed at goyim.

You are a Jewish person, and reading this book (especially if you haven't read any other accounts of experiences in concentration camps) may be an important thing for you to do. And I'd cautiously encourage you to do so if you feel emotionally stable. But you do not need to worry about the experience of this book feeling watered down.

If you are Jewish and not in a very stable emotional state, do not read this book. Do not cause yourself harm.

(If you are goyiscshe, you should challenge yourself and force yourself to read this book. Obviously if you are in an actual emotional/psychological crisis or dealing with the death or illness of a loved one, then you are the only goyim who has an excuse not to read this book. No matter who you are, do not read this book if it will cause you actual mental harm or drive you to somehow cause yourself physical harm. But if it will make you upset, depressed, panicked at your own failings, or other extremely unpleasant but ultimately human discomfort, then you should read this book. Jews don't get a choice about knowing this shit, because knowing this shit is how we survive. And you NOT knowing this shit is what makes it so easy for you to dismiss and target us over and over and over again. You should be uncomfortable. You should feel guilty. Because unless you're actively learning how to disentangle yourself from the antisemitism that led to The Holocaust, then you are actively participating in thee fomentation of another. And that should horrify you.)

Sure, I bet this book is even more haunting and visceral in the original Yiddish. I've spoken recently about how hard Jewish language is to translate to English.

But there is no world in which this book will feel watered down to you.

@nonbinary-vents This book will haunt you. This book will change you. This book will challenge your faith and your ability to trust people.

Remember going in that Judaism asks us not to separate ourselves from our community--not just our Jewish community, but any community in which we find ourselves. Resist the urge this book may stir within you to become insular and fearful of goyim. That is not our way. We are a part of the communities and cultures and nations in which we find ourselves. And we must do good for those communities, because that is what we are called to do. The lesson of this book for Jews is different than the lesson of this book for goyim.

The lesson of this book for Jews -- in fact, the lesson of "Never Again" for Jews -- is that we cannot ever allow this to happen to ourselves again. No, of course, I am not blaming Jews for the Holocaust and if anyone thinks that's what I'm arguing here, then they can fuck off.

The lesson of this book for Jews is that we must never again let fear hold us back from fighting for ourselves. If he world calls upon us to die, we must refuse. Refuse to put ourselves on a list. Refuse to follow our oppressors' directions to the ghetto. Refusal to get on the train or to enter the gas chamber. And we must refuse to be silent for other people's comfort. While it is a Jewish imperative to believe that every human being is capable of kindness and has inherent goodness within them, we can never again trust that the kindness and goodness they possess will ever be directed at us. There was the very understandable thought back when this all started that if we just complied--if we were just willing to suffer a little bit by moving to the ghettos or registering on the lists of Jews the Nazis demanded or carried our papers with us at all time and wore our stars just as they said --then they would eventually realize we were good citizens. They would eventually realize we were just people like them doing their best to live quiet lives and follow the rules. People believed that, if we just complied, they'd remember their humanity and our own. If we just complied and let ourselves suffer, hen maybe our friends and loved one would be safe.

But that was a lie we told ourselves.

No amount of compliance or agree-ability or self-sacrifice will ever make someone who sees Jews as evil and subhuman realize that Jews are actually just human beings like everyone else. Compliance will never ensure our safety; it will just make us easier to kill. Compliance won't make antisemites see us as human; it will only ever make them see us -- at best -- as agreeable livestock.

(although I doubt any farmer would treat their animals as cruelly as Nazis and their supporters treated us).

I am not advocating for violence. But I advocating for discomfort and defense. That is why I am on here every day writing the things I write. I will not shut up for the comfort of people who don't care about my life or my safety. And neither should you. Neither should any of us. I will not allow antisemites to co-opt our own tragedies to demonize us further while casting themselves as warriors for justice.

No, we should not take to the streets and start harming goyim. But if the day comes that they once again start to round us up, I for one will tear those Nazis a-fucking-part with my bare hands. And if they live to have children and grandchildren of their own, they will have to explain to their children and grandchildren that they got the scars on their face and the missing eyeball because the Jew they were trying to murder wouldn't submit quietly.

And if this seems like a hyperbolic and absurd hypothetical to anyone reading this? Well, yeah. It seemed like one back then, too.

(And if any goyim chose to read "Night" by Elie Wiesel because of my post, please tell me. Please engage. I cannot be emphatic enough about this. If you are willing to read night in the way I asked of you in my post, then please do reach out to me with your experience and thoughts. Because that's the whole point. Jews need you to listen and engage with us about our own suffering. We need you to consider your impact on us and to not run away from that guilt or from us. If any of you are willing to read this book in the way that I have asked of you, please please please don't keep your experience to yourself. A lot of Jews desperately need to see goysiche growth in understanding antisemitism and its affects. I don't think you can even imagine how scared and lonely we are right now)

[sillystappen]

@justlookingforf1fanfictions gave me the idea of a maxiel! high school AU (I made everyone seniors) with discovering sexualities and I am SO DOWN for that. I've never attempted smut so this is really just dipping my toes in (though this is like 1% on the smut scale it's mentioned thinking). If hope this suffices for you though it may have gotten a tiny bit away from the original prompt lol. As in: I gave Daniel a mild sexuality crisis. But don't worry for the most part this is pure fluff.

Is It Chill That You’re In My Head?

Daniel is so ready to leave school, move away from this stupid town in the middle of Nevada and finally live the dream life of partying until 3am, having sex with the hottest women ever and getting some well-paid job that he actually likes compared to the shitty one he has at the corner shop.

Alas, he is not quite there yet. He just has to finish his final year of high school and June cannot come fast enough.

It's April, a pretty mild and sunny day where it's warm but not warm enough to make it feel like you have been shoved into a furnace. Daniel has this last month before exam season rolls around and his teachers have been breathing down his neck about revising for said exams instead of playing soccer with his mates in his spare time. Honestly, they need to get off of his back - he'll pass just fine, and his mocks went as smoothly as butter on a warm bit of toast.

He lifts his head off the desk ever so slightly when his teacher calls for everyone's attention. "Everyone listen up, we have a very late new student with us."

A new student? Now? Jeez that must suck for them, having to move schools right before the end of senior year. Daniel shrugs to himself and drops his head back on the desk.

"Hello, I'm Max Verstappen," a new voice says and oh, that's an accent. Daniel snaps his head up to look at the new boy, suddenly intrigued. The new boy, Max, seems nearly as tall as Daniel if he weren't so withdrawn into himself (clearly anxious to be at the front of the class with everyone's eyes on him), with sandy blonde hair and, despite looking from his seat towards the back of the class, the bluest eyes he has ever seen. They remind him of the ocean, beautiful and clear but also hiding something in their depths.

Daniel needs to know more about this guy.

"I expect everyone to welcome Max and be kind to him in the last months you all are here," his teacher says before turning to Max, "just find an empty seat and sit there for now."

Max nods and looks out towards the class before quietly walking down the middle to where Daniel is near the back. He gestures to the chair next to Daniel, the one by the window that nobody really likes because the sun can get in your eyes.

Daniel is slow to reply, not realising that Max was asking if he could move so he can sit there. For a while they just stare at each other. "Oh yeah, sure," he mumbles, the realisation eventually hitting him, tucking his chair in a bit so Max can walk behind him and sit down.

Max plops down next to him and rests his head in his hand, tilting it away from the window and towards their teacher, who started explaining some literature principles from the start of the year (lest they forget).

Daniel doesn't pay attention, he's much more interested in the way Max chews his pencil while he's thinking.

1 hour later, at the end of class, Daniel finally speaks to him. Max hasn't said a word since he sat down so Daniel still can't place the accent. They have both stood up, and slung their backpacks over their shoulders and Daniel deliberately stands in Max's path.

"Hi! I'm Daniel, nice to meet you mate," he smiles and sticks his hand out.

Max looks at it for a moment before shaking Daniel's hand in small , gentle motions for a second. "Max, but you know that." He speaks! Thank the Lord.

Daniel chuckles, "yeah, I do. I like your voice, where are you from?"

Max flushes. "Thank you. I'm Dutch. And Belgian too, but raised in the Netherlands."

"Oh that's awesome! I'm just born and raised here, nothing exciting."

"You seem exciting," Max says, as if it's a normal thing to say, like the sun is out, or you need oxygen to breathe. But he smiles, just a little quirk of his lips, and Daniel's brain unhelpfully supplies 'cute'.

It's then that Daniel realises they're still holding hands and in his sudden surprise of his own brain and that, he yanks his hand away from Max's maybe a little to forcefully because Max's smile drops.

"Sorry, aha. I just remembered I gotta go to my next class, as much as I'd like to stay and chat." Daniel rubs the back of his neck out of awkwardness as he half lies, because he really does have another class to go to but it's just two rooms down the hall.

Max nods, still emotionless, "me too." He steps around Daniel, lightly pushing him, and walks out the classroom door.

Daniel spends the rest of the day in his own head. God, why can't he just be normal for once? He's made things weird with the new guy and acts like he's attracted to the guy, like he's interested, which he's not mind you. Daniel Ricciardo is 100% straight, straight out of straightdom if you will. Sure it was nice to hold his hand, and he wants to make Max smile because it's cute and his eyes really are blue like the ocean, but that's just pure platonic feelings, he swears. He just wants to be Max's friend and know why the hell he came to butt-fuck-nowhere Nevada instead of staying in the Netherlands. And why now? Max just produces numerous question marks in his head and it's so confusing.

He doesn't speak to Max again until the following day at lunch, when he enters the school cafeteria. Daniel grins at him and calls him over to sit with him and his mates, Michael and Blake. Max seems hesitant but agrees. He sits next to Daniel and opposite Michael, though makes sure to put a bit of distance between himself and Daniel, just in case.

They hadn't spoken in literature class because Daniel was about 10 seconds away from being late and he really didn't want to annoy Max at 9 in the morning.

"Who's this Daniel?" Blake asks.

"This is my new friend Maxy." Daniel says.

"Maxy?" Michael questions. And shit, Daniel didn't realise he had said that. He doesn't really do nicknames for anyone, unless his friends decide to be annoying then an affectionate dickhead or asshole does get thrown around.

"It's Max," Max eventually speaks up, his cheeks tinged red, "I'm new. I joined Daniel's literature class yesterday."

"Oh, well, welcome Max. I'm Blake and this is Michael."

"Hi." Max's response is clipped and Daniel can't stand it. Blake and Michael give him a look of 'who is this person and why are you trying to befriend him?' and Daniel just shrugs at them.

"So, Maxy, Max, can I call you Maxy?" Daniel asks before launching his next question. Max looks at him, and Daniel feels like he can see into his soul and is about to pull out the thread keeping him together. Max stares like he is trying solve a puzzle and he must've found his answer because he says yes.

"Sweet!" Daniel swears he catches Max smiling at him when he cheers. It's a small thing yet again but Daniel calls it a victory. "Maxy, what are your plans when you finish high school? I'm going to do sports science hopefully."

"My dad wants me to do law." Max sighs and picks at his food. To Daniel, everything about that sentence felt off.

"Yeah, but what do you want to do?" Daniel prods.

"It doesn't matter."

"I don't know Maxy, it matters to me." Daniel half expects to descend into an argument but what he doesn't expect is the way Max looks at him, a real smile, albeit close-lipped but real and big, stretches across his face. Max looks down in an attempt to supress it, and Daniel is having none of that.

"Hey." Daniel shifts closer and brings his hand under Max's chin, lifting his head so Max looks at him. Then Daniel just stops working, his following words disappearing into thin air.

Max looks at him like he's a mystery and a wonder, which is clearly a good thing judging by the way he is still smiling, albeit a little smaller and softer. Daniel lets himself move his hand to cup Max's jaw and he swears he feels Max lean into it. If Daniel had to describe Max right then, he would've told you he looked beautiful. Maybe he could-

Michael coughs suddenly and Daniel drops his hand, he and Max springing apart and what the hell was that?

"Literature and writing," Max says suddenly. "What I actually want. It's literature and writing."

Conversation goes back to normal after that. Towards the end of the day, Michael corners him at the school gate.

"Look, mate, you know if there's anything you need to tell me then I'm here for you," he says, which is weird in itself because Michael knows everything there is to know about Daniel.

"What are you on about?" Daniel asks.

"Just... you know... about you and Max-"

"There's really nothing to it. I want to be his friend. I'm not gay," Daniel cuts him off sharply, the vague implication getting to him a little.

Michael remains calm. "I'm not saying you are; you don't have to label yourself. I'm simply saying if you were interested in Max the same way you would be interested in a girl then it's ok."

"I'm not. I literally have known him for two days and it wasn't like he just walked his pretty self into class and rocked my world just like that."

Michael raises an eyebrow at the word 'pretty' but doesn't comment on it. "Alright, man. I guess I will see you tomorrow."

"Yeah, see ya." Daniel waves and walks out the gate.

The rest of the week and the next one continues in a similar pattern. He'd see Max in class, then hang out with him at lunch and something weird would happen that Daniel would shake off, such as them linking pinkie fingers in the middle of class only to let go when the teacher calls on Max, or Daniel wrapping an arm around Max when he sits down with them and forgetting to let him go until Michael eyes him questioningly. Daniel just concludes that he's simply a physically affectionate friend to Max, who has not complained at all about it.

Max slowly opens up to the group, mainly Daniel. He tells him all about the Netherlands and what school was like there (pretty interesting stuff, if Daniel is honest), as well as why his dad relocated them to the states. Turns out his dad thinks there's more money to be made as a prosecutor in the US than the Netherlands and chose now because he wants Max to go to an Ivy League school to follow in his footsteps.

One day Max tells him and only him that his mother and sister are still in Belgium, and that his parents are divorced because his father is abusive. Daniel hugs him that day and tells him that he is welcome over any time should he need it.

He learns that Max is a huge nerd though, much like the rest of them and Daniel usually ends up on the receiving end of a book-rant. He doesn't understand what Max is talking about most of the time, but he talks so passionately and uses his hands to emphasis every word ever that he just cannot find it in himself to stop him. It's frankly adorable.

He also goes to watch them play soccer on Fridays. He doesn't play, mainly because Max claims he isn't very good, but he is a very good cheerleader for Daniel, much to the complaint of everyone else.

"But Max, I have scored more goals this match than Daniel," Blake had once said.

"So? Daniel needs the extra motivation then!" Max had proclaimed.

Daniel loves how comfortable Max is with everyone now, and how he has grown out of his shell and starts to be more reciprocal to Daniel's affections, so to speak, even initiating some of his own. For example, Max often taps his foot against Daniel's which sends warmth through Daniel's body. Another time Max just simply leaned into Daniel and rested his head on his shoulder while he was talking to Blake. Daniel, once again, didn't think much of it let alone properly realise it until someone pointed it out.

Max also tries to teach the group a little Dutch but eventually gives up because according to him it sounds like they're gargling water. Max burst out laughing when Daniel attempted to say 'I am 18 years old'.

It was the first time Daniel had seen him like that and he wanted to bottle up that laugh so he could hear it forever. And God, his smile is gorgeous. His whole face lights up and his smile makes the corners of his eyes crinkle. Daniel has made it his mission to get that to happen again.

Daniel is also realising that maybe, just maybe, these aren't exactly thoughts you have about a friend. He wants to protect Max, to hold him and never let go, but also be the reason he's happy and laughs. However Daniel has never ever been into a boy, and it kinda ruins the 'dream life tm' he has pictured for himself because now said picture is starting to have Max in it: the two of them on a sofa watching some shitty Netflix show. He curses Michael in his mind, blaming him for putting the idea of being with Max in his head.

As he lies on his bed on Sunday, end of the second week with Max, he allows himself to think about kissing Max. Max's lips always look soft and maybe it would be as nice as a girl. He'd hold his face the same way he did two weeks ago, eventually thread his fingers into Max's hair as he kisses him. Girls usually like that. Maybe Max would be in his lap, holding on to his torso like a lifeline as Daniel deepens the kiss into a full-on make-out session, their tongues dancing together as they run their hands along each others bodies and up their shirts and the feeling of Max's skin would be enough to drive him crazy as Max pushes him down, smiling against his lips and-

Daniel sits up abruptly, forcing out the images from his brain before he ends up with more than a semi. He then startles because holy fuck he is getting turned on by thinking about Max.

He immediately calls Michael.

"Bitch, what do you want? It's 1am." Michael groaned down the phone.

"I'm definitely attracted to Max but like... I'm not gay."

"Congrats on finally realising. I called it from day 1... well day 2 for you," Michael says smugly.

"I hate how well you know me sometimes." Daniel grumbles.

"No you don't."

Daniel simply hums. "I'm not gay though. I still like women."

"As I said, you don't need to label it. You just like Max."

The words are comforting; Daniel still likes women, but he also likes Max which means he is still mostly straight. And being called bi or pan also doesn't seem right. He just likes Max.

"Now answer me this," Michael says, "is this just a physical thing or-"

"No! I want to know everything I can about Max. I want to make him laugh and smile and protect him. Y'know, all that sappy shit. I mean, I do think he's very nice to look at but..."

"Yeah yeah I hear you buddy. That's good for you. Anyway, I'm hanging up and going to sleep. You should do the same."

Daniel's phone beeps before he can say good night.

It's felt... good admitting it aloud. It felt like it became normal instead of being this weird thing he had been trying to avoid for two weeks and living in a state of denial. Saying it to Michael was akin to a rock being lifted off his chest and he can finally breathe again.

But just as Daniel is drifting off to sleep he wondered how the hell he is going to face Max the next morning.

Monday morning comes around Max sits in the same spot by the window he always does. Daniel admits that he does shamelessly stare at Max, and how the morning sun makes him look golden. Full send, right? He likes Max in the same way he would like a girl, so he shouldn't be acting any differently. That's his solution to last night's conundrum. Max doesn't seem bothered when he catches Daniel though, and smiles softly at him, making Daniels heart do little flutters.

They can't stare at each other forever so eventually Daniel pulls his gaze away and half-tunes into the lesson on the importance of the curtain being red or some shit like that. He also heard some paper ripping but makes a conscious choice to not look for the sound.

At the end of the lesson, Max taps his shoulder and places an origami flower behind Daniel's ear, made from a torn page of Max's notebook.

"For you," Max says, then walks off happily to his next class. Daniel carefully touches it, not removing it from where it's sat. The stem is tucked into his curls and the flower seems intricately made. It feels romantic and Daniel can't help but blush as he traces the folds of the paper with his fingertip. He doesn't move it for the rest of the day.

Lando, a junior Daniel knows but wouldn't say he's friends with, finds him in the hallway between classes and comments on it immediately. "Ooh Daniel, who's that from? A girlfriend?"

"Haha, no it's-" Daniel cuts himself off. It's different telling Lando than it was telling Michael. Shit, is he ready to even be out like that, to where the whole school knows? Sure he has only a few months left but still, it's a big thing.

"Who's it from then?" Lando prompts, reaching up to touch it.

Daniel swats his hand away. "A classmate," is what Daniel settles on saying. It's technically still the truth.

"Damn, you should ask this classmate out. She is definitely into you!"

"You think?" Daniel tries (and fails) not to sound too hopeful.

"Duh! This is some master-craft shit," Lando says like it's obvious. "Whoever gave this to you must like you. And you clearly like her with the way you're parading around with it."

Daniel nods and scampers off to his next class.

He spends the whole hour wondering how the hell he will even tell Max he likes him and well... he's got nothing. Sure, he said 'Full Send' and all that but Max is different, from a girl and everyone else. He wants it to be important and not just dumped on him during lunch break like most people do. Max is special and deserves to be treated as such.

Therefore the logical thing to do is ask him on a date after school and take him somewhere nice (which is pretty hard in middle-of-nowhere Nevada but not totally impossible) and romance the fuck out of him and potentially kiss him.

Boom! He has a plan! (Someone be proud of him; he's putting himself out there for Max.) Now to set said plan into motion.

At lunch, he sees Max but he keeps it as normal as possible, because really there are no boundaries with them. When Max notices he still has the paper flower exactly where Max left it, he beams like the sun, eyes scrunching up and smile splitting his face. "You kept it," he says.

"Of course, I wore it proudly all day," and Max preens at that. Daniel continues, "It's so pretty, I can tell. Where did you learn how to make this?"

"I got bored one day, and thought that it would be nice to give someone I like."

"Aw Maxy," Daniel coos, reaching to hold Max's hand on the table and lacing their fingers, "I love it."

Daniel can tell Michael is giving a 'really?-right-in-front-of-my-salad' look but hey, he should've known this would happen. Blake has gotten used to their shenanigans but even he looks at them weirdly. Daniel doesn't let it get to him, not this time.

He shuffles closer to Max, pressing their thighs together and starts to chat with Michael about their god awful math class. He never shies away from Max, who almost melts next to him and Daniel fights the urge to kiss him there and then.

He's practically bouncing off the walls of the hallway when the bell for the end of school rings. He lingers by the gate, waiting for any sight of Max and beelines towards him when he sees the familiar ocean blue eyes. "Maxy!"

"Oh, hi Dan." Dan. Not long after Maxy became a thing, Max started using Dan instead of Daniel, and Daniel loves it. It feels intimate to hear Max call him that when everyone else uses Danny or just Daniel. "What's up? I do have to go though, so I'm gonna have to rush you."

Ah of course, his dad and Max's extracurriculars. Daniel makes it quick. "pleasegoonadatewithme."

"...what?" Ok maybe too quick.

Daniel clears his throat and plucks the origami flower from behind his ear and starts twirling it in his hand, watching the flower spin and admiring the petals as he repeats himself. "Maxy, please go on a date with me."

Max doesn't speak, and to fill the silence and to stop himself from panicking, Daniel keeps talking.

"I really like you, like had a full on gay crisis over you because I've never felt this way about a boy like ever and you're like so you and so so perfect, and I know this town doesn't offer much but I will try my damn best to make it special and all romantic and-"

"Dan. Yes." Max eventually says, cutting him off. He's smiling ear to ear in the way Daniel loves the most. "I really like you, too. I thought it was pretty obvious. I don't go around making those," Max gestures at the flower, "for anyone. I told you that they're for the people I like. Besides, I also don't let just anyone touch me like you do."

"Oh," Daniel says dumbly. Because, yeah, that all tracks.

"Now I do have to go, but I have some free time on Thursday after school if that works for you?"

"Yeah, that's brilliant Maxy," Daniel says a bit too eagerly for his liking.

Max plucks the flower from Daniels hand and puts it back behind his ear, tucking it gently into his curls. He presses a quick kiss to Daniel's lips and says a quick "bye" before darting out the gate, leaving Daniel standing there, touching his lips in a daze.

June can wait. Thursday cannot come fast enough.