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shslocreview-blog · 7 years ago

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OC Review! SHSL Urban Dancer Rizumu Daiho!

This talent is kind of exciting for me! I live near a city where street dancing is pretty common, so I see stuff like this pretty often! Do I know anything about it?

...Well, no, not at all. But I’m still excited to tell you all about today’s OC: Rizumu Daiho, the SHSL Urban Dancer!

Under the cut, the original form will be in plain text while my comments will be in bold.

Name: Rizumu Daiho ( 大歩リズム)

Rizumu means “Rhythm” and Daiho means “Big Step” its kind of a joke name to how she discovered her talent by through Dance Dance Revolution. Her name can be shortened to Rizu which is a way of saying “Liz” in Japanese which means “Oath to God”. Mainly focusing on oaths to show not just how she takes honesty seriously and effort to keep promises to heart but also be more expressive in strong emotions since while Rizumu is energetic and high spirited when her mood is right, she chooses a strong emotion such as anger in despair situations. Also, from what I found elsewhere Riz could mean “someone who loves the outdoors” which suits her since her taste in dancing is more outside on streets or cities. Her former surname Itokinuyo is a combination of “Ito" meaning "thread; yarn; string” and Kinuyo which means “generation of silk”. This references her mother’s ancestry of silk farmers that became a famous fashion designer name.

Alrighty, let’s take a look at this--you were pretty thorough, so I’ll be the same way! First of all, I just want to make sure you know Rizumu’s meaning comes from how it’s just the Japanese spelling of the English word Rhythm. It’s a loan word and would be pretty strange as a name, even by Dangan Ronpa standards. You mention later it was picked by her father, so I feel like you could make it, say, his childhood nickname for her. Daiho, on the other hand, checks out in terms of meaning and kanji. It’s not a name I’ve heard personally, but it wouldn’t be out of place in DR.

I think the meaning and reasoning behind rizu/liz is only really relevant if someone calls Rizumu that or she identifies by that name, though the Liz meaning part is correct! I also don’t quite get what experiencing strong emotions has to do with any kind of oath, to God or otherwise. I looked a lot, but I can’t find where Riz means “someone who loves the outdoors” in any language or context.

And finally, to address Itokinuyo… yeah, it looks fine! I think it’s less that Kinuyo means “generation of silk” and more that uses the kanji for both silk and generation, and I’ve only seen it as a first name (of the lady who wrote the Castlevania soundtrack, there’s a fun fact), but neither of those matter too much.

There are other ways of braking her name down through the Japanese Kanji, but its complex. As I said I’m not good at Japanese, but the best I could come up for Rizumu’s name differently is (織図夢) “Ri” for “weave” “Zu” for “Plan” and “Mu” for “Dream” The “Ri” is associated with her family’s name as a fashion designer business but her full name could relate to her taking and controlling her own fate and choosing to pursue her own path instead of her former family’s path.

The kanji works here, too! You mixed Kunyomi and Onyomi readings, but… that’s not too uncommon, even for real-life Japanese names. Like I said before, it’s still an English loan word first even if you give it kanji, but this does lend it some more credibility as a Name rather than a Nickname.

Age: 17

SHSL Title: Urban Dancer (Not Hiyoko’s Traditional Dancing. Urban Dance is: Any of various dances influenced by the rhythms and techniques of funk and hip-hop music, such as locking, popping, or b-boying. Also anything that’s really fast paced like Street, Electro, Break, Club, etc.)

This is all great, though I think something SHSL Street Dancer Flows a bit better. “Street Dancer” is a fairly well-known phrase while “Urban Dancer” isn’t, though, so I might just be a little biased.

Gender: Female (But due to also looking a little masculine and wears tomboy attire, she leaves her gender to speculation or other’s perspective until either free time events or a certain point. She’s one of those girls to judge on who they are rather than gender and she sees it as a bit of a problem with first impressions, so she changes in her dorm.)

So as far as I can tell, she’s a cis girl who doesn’t really present in feminine ways? That’s totally fine, though I’m a little conflicted as to whether she presents androgynously because she feels like presenting as feminine causes people to judge her or she otherwise feels insecure about it, or because she’s just Feelin’ It--both of these are valid reasons, of course, but you might want to be a little clearer about it.

Appearance:

https://goldencat12.deviantart.com/art/Danganronpa-Rizumu-Daiho-Ultimate-Dancer-Intro-671921511 (Urban’s missing due to early development.)

https://goldencat12.deviantart.com/art/Danganronpa-OC-Rizumu-Daiho-670137941

https://goldencat12.deviantart.com/art/Danganronpa-OC-Rizumu-Daiho-Emotion-Sprites-671468163

https://goldencat12.deviantart.com/art/Danganronpa-OC-Rizumu-Daiho-8-bit-sprite-674226556

https://goldencat12.deviantart.com/art/Danganronpa-OC-Rizumu-Daiho-8-bit-sprite-DR1-682750634

She looks great!

Blood Type: B

Height: 5'8 (175 cm)

Weight: 157 lbs (11 stone)

Waist (in): 30 (77cm)

Chest (in): 28 (70cm)

I’m definitely not an expert in this field, but these measurements seem a little… off. For one thing, every sizing chart I’ve seen lists chest/bust as larger than the associated waist size. These also just seem a little small for someone who’s 5’8” and 157 lbs (for reference, Saionji and Koizumi, who are the closest in terms of chest size to Rizumu at 64 and 77 cm respectively, are shorter and lighter than her. Saionji, especially, barely reaches above four feet and looks like a literal child--unless this is what you’re going for with Rizumu, it might be a good idea to adjust these measurements a bit!)

Skin Color: Light skinned pink

Hair Color: Dark blonde

Hair Style: Short, Straight, A little messy with a single platted ponytail, which she keeps under her hat until later on.

On Head: She has a dark pinkish red had cap that’s black on the front with her dance team logo “Graffiti Streakerz”

I really like “Graffiti Streakerz” as a name. It’s English, but like… the kind of English Japanese teenagers would use if they were trying to come up with a cool dance team name, you know?

On Neck: A scar along her neck and her headphones when she’s not using them.

On Torso: Green hoodie jacket that’s darker green almost near the edges

On Arms: She does where fingerless dark pink gloves, but only when she goes dancing or exercises

On Waist: Under her jacket, she wears a black belly top with darkish pink lines but keeps it zipped up until later on

I know what you’re going for here, but consider phrasing it along the lines of “something she keeps zipped up unless she’s around people she’s known for a while.”

On Legs: Light grey slightly baggy pants

On Feet: White and light grey converse trainers with darkish pink shoe laces

Background: Before she became who she was, Rizumu was born to an upper class lifestyle. Her mother’s a famous Fashion Designer that descended from a long line of silk farmers and her father, to where she got her surname from later on.

Quiiiick question: Traditional silk farming in Japan is really uncommon in modern times because it became really unprofitable. Knowing this, did Rizumu’s mother become a famous fashion designer to get away from her family’s non-profiting career, or deliberately to make money so they could carry on their silk farming? It’s a really small thing that isn’t even about the main character of your form, yeah, but I think understanding her mother’s motivations a bit more would help us understand her actions towards Rizumu a bit more clearly, too!

But since her mother’s name carried more weight, she was an Itokinuyo, but she was still called by her first name because it was picked by her father.

See, while this is uncommon in Japan as well, I really don’t mind this fact--it’s still believable enough given everything we know about her family.

She also had an older sister as well, who mainly helped her mother with her business while Rizumu spent time with her dad. Her first time she did a dance was actually with her dad and remembers standing on his feet while he held her hands as they moved to the music.

Awwww! This is really good, cute imagery.

When it came to the wedding of her parents, which was before her little was noticed,

Before Rizumu’s talent was noticed?

something changed. Whether it was a sign or a shocking revelation, she couldn’t recall from all the negativity she heard in her ears. The last thing she recalled was seeing her father running out of the wedding venue and her chasing after him, not wanting to leave him. But being held back by her older sister, she could only watch hopelessly as her father drove off. Any other memory of him was blocked from what came next in the future.

Okay, this is where I’m gonna need some hardcore explanation. What I got from that scene was, “Rizumu and her older sister were attending their parents’ wedding, then something suddenly happened and Rizumu’s father left her mother at the altar, much to Rizumu’s dismay.”

Rizumu and her sister… attended their own parent’s wedding? That would mean they were both born a while before their parents were married. Granted, being born out of wedlock would explain how it was so easy for Rizumu to keep her mother’s surname, but the rate of out-of-wedlock pregnancies is very low in Japan and comes with a huge heap of social stigma. Rizumu’s mother, especially if she was well-known in society, would be facing all sorts of scandal! Which is fine! This is all fine, but it just needs to be explained, or at least addressed, in the backstory.

Secondly, why did her father end up leaving? Remember, this isn’t just a wife he ma or may not love, but a children he supposedly cares about, too. Even if Rizumu isn’t sure at first, you as the writer and we as the audience can know--it would help explain Rizumu’s mother’s reaction a lot more, too.

Her mother was in despair now that her husband to be left her while pregnant

And her mother was pregnant again, too? Geez, what kind of situation was this?

and had to be taken care of by her older sister.

This brings up another question--how old are Rizumu and her sister at this point in time? Between the wedding and this, I’m really confused.

Rizumu wanted to help, but her mother lashed out at her, now calling her Ri instead and for the fact that she looked like her dad. Her older sister even said to her that she was “bad for both of them” so she became more secluded.There are times her mum locked the door of her on purpose before her older sister let her in once her mum was asleep.

Okay, there’s a lot to talk about here, too. I can understand Rizumu’s mother’s bitterness towards her father, but we gotta be on the same page that this has crossed over to child abuse. Targeting one child in particular for harsh treatment is way outside the confines of “despair,” right? Again, I’m not saying this shouldn’t be in Rizumu’s backstory, but it should be addressed and treated as such.

Secondly… why does her older sister treat her that way? Assuming she was old enough to take care of Rizumu, she was old enough to see what happened at the wedding and old enough to comprehend that Rizumu is not the guilty party in any of this. Does she think her mother is acting rationally somehow? Does she honestly think Rizumu is creating this rift in the family?

After her little sister was born she didn’t look like her father like she did, so her mother gained some life back, but when she got older, Rizumu’s grew to be hated by more because she still looked like her dad. It came to the point that her only use for Rizumu was being a “mannequin pin cushion” for men’s clothing.

When her little sister actually interacted with her, they danced the way her dad used to do and gave her a piggyback ride, but it was the only time they shared before her mum turned her against her.

Again, Rizumu’s older sister is just kind of going along with all this? And Rizumu’s mother still harbors all this hatred towards her own child rather than her father? Don’t get me wrong, there are certainly abusive parents who do this, but it might be a good idea to point out the irrationality of these actions.

After some time, her mother took advantage of Rizumu’s love for dancing and forced her into ballet at Chōnadeshiko , a private all girls school she used to go to.

Does Rizumu have a love for dancing? I know you mentioned her dancing on her father’s feet before and doing the same with her little sister--again, imagery that I absolutely adore--but there’s a big step between doing that and enjoying dancing on its own. You’re definitely going to want to talk about Rizumu’s childhood experiences with dancing more. Maybe as a self-taught source of comfort in her terrible family situation?

Despite its perks of improving flexibility, Rizumu hated ballet because of her nickname she was ridiculed for “Twinkle Toes” from moving too quick, even on her feet, to slow music.

I don’t know about how I feel about the nickname itself, but otherwise, I really like this aspect of Rizumu.

But everything changed after going to an arcade after one of her classes and on the day her family went on a trip without her and found DDR. She didn’t get the highest score but she earned a crowd when she began to freestyle her moves, who happened to do a dance different to ballet as a hobby. Since then, she hanged around the streets more often to dance to their music, began to wear casual street clothing and stopped going to ballet.

Okay, I’m a little confused here, too. I got the impression above that Rizumu was placed into an all-girls private high school or middle school for her regular academic studies where ballet was an afterschool class--but is it a ballet academy that doesn’t offer regular studies?

However, when her sisters snitched her, Rizumu was now no longer anything to her mother and siblings and was thrown out, homeless and nowhere to go, which exposed her to the harshness of the streets.

Lots going on here, too, and I have a lot of questions to go along with it!

Why did her sisters snitch on her--for that matter, how did they know what Rizumu was doing? Were they actively looking to get her in trouble?

Why did Rizumu’s mother kick her out? Were her hopes for Rizumu riding on her becoming a successful ballet dancer? I got the impression she only put Rizumu in the school to get her out of the house, so if she’d be out of the house anyways with her urban dancing, why would her mother care either way?

Finally… where did Rizumu go? Did she make any attempts to live with her mother again because she thought an abusive household was better than no household, or was she glad to be out of a terrible situation even if it meant going into an uncertain one? Did she try to couchsurf with people she knew at the arcade? Did she just try to sleep around there? Did she try to reconnect with her father at all, especially during this time?

It came to a drunken brawl between a familiar face who watched her dance that she successfully broke up, but ended up with her neck sliced from a broken bottle. She woke up later in the hospital

Whoa! So she was knocked out or something during this brawl for that long period of time? Were there any negative physical consequences of that besides the scar on her neck?

to her friend from the streets who was the victim and target of the brawl and introduced himself as Shouji Konda. From the moment that scar came to her neck, she took it as a mark of being severed from her past life and began her new life as Rizumu Daiho by taking on her , changing her attire, dropping out of her private school to go to the same school Shouji father’s surnameand another girl she befriended, Hitomi Yoko went to.

Okay, so while I’m not against any of this, a lot of it requires some more explanation.

Who are Shouji and Hitomi? I mean, you introduced them both, but didn’t go into much detail about the impact either of them had on Rizumu’s life--if they’re important enough to be named, they’re probably important enough to have a little bit more information about them, right?

How did she take her father’s name? Did she just start going by it informally, or did she have it changed legally? Did she try to get in contact with her father at this point? For that matter, how does Rizumu feel about her father at this point? Does she idolize him because she’s built him up to be something amazing, or resent him because he basically abandoned her and her family?

Most importantly, I think, how did she get to school? If she dropped out of private school, that implies she was still attending while she was homeless. (How long was she homeless, by the way?) How was she paying for it, if this is the case? Or was she paying in the first place? For that matter, how is she paying for this new school. All high school education in Japan costs money (though some schools are cheaper than others, especially public schools). How did Rizumu afford to go back to school without her family’s financial support. Did she go back after the dance group started making money? Did she get a scholarship (a little bit unlikely from what we know about Rizumu, but not impossible)? Where did she start living after she got back on her feet? Did Shouji and/or Hitomi take her in and start helping her out?

She eventually became something after becoming nothing for so long.

I’ll address this more in my final thoughts, but I think your backstory generally needs a some more explanation and perhaps some cutting back on the more unrealistic elements.

Accomplishments: While getting her life back together, Rizumu and a bunch of teens with a couple of little kids formed The Graffiti Streakerz as a dance posse. Despite not wanting to be seen as a leader and have the group more on teamwork, Rizumu was still seen to others as their leader or “poster peep”

I don’t know if that’s a real or widely-used term but gosh I hope it is.

as she was the most talented. They started off in alleys and streets, which then grew into events, concerts and even world wide tours

This section works just fine for me, but it could definitely benefit from a little detail, too! Was there a point where they were “discovered” by someone who started getting gigs for them? Did Rizumu or another member of the team keep dragging everyone to open auditions until they got them?

Personality: Rizumu is seen to be quite an upbeat energetic person, calling new faces as “peeps” and giving them an optimistic greeting. But she’s not naïve to the point she doesn't fully ignore a situation that’s realistic and asks what would be the catch when put in a situation like the killing game.

I mean, the catch of the killing game is that you kill people, right... ?

Nah, I’m just kidding, I know what you’re talking about. I do really like the “peep” detail you have here, especially if Rizumu became the “Poster Peep” since she spread the expression around the group.

She kicks off conversations by asking whatever they do at night, what hobbies they enjoy or compliments on their attire or physical appearance if she likes what she sees.

This is pretty typical for most people, I think, but this does go to show one unique side of Rizumu: she’s comfortable, even glad to be the one to start the conversation. I think this fits her well as a performing artist!

She is also well to adapt to places having experience in both classes.

The phrasing of this confused me a little (I thought “both classes” was referring to like, the 77th and 78th class or something). I don’t think it’s right to say “both classes,” here since are more than two socioeconomic classes, but you do have a strong case in saying Rizumu has experienced life both impoverished and wealthy (though, she’s spent a much longer time in her upper-class household, as far as I can tell, so you should take that into account too!)

And speaking of classes while she may be seen as a “street rat” to the upper class, Rizumu can be shown to be smart in both street wise and school wise.

I don’t necessarily think this can’t be true, but so far, you haven’t shown me any evidence that is is. As far as “street smarts” go, I’ve seen Rizumu… not die, and I guess she broke up a fight one time, though it did get her seriously injured. As far as “school smarts” go, I haven’t really seen anything. Again, it’s fine if she is smart in these ways, of course, but you’ve got to show us how!

In time, she can think of a fitting nickname for people, which has become a bit of a habit for her which she got from the streets. Only they optionally have a deeper meaning to some.

(For example, Rizumu would call Aoi Asahina “Ducky” like those yellow rubber duckies one may have in the bath. Ducks swim in water, which the element suits her talent. And as it’s the colour yellow it suits her cheeriness. And it’s also from her duck face emotion.)

I have no idea what you’re talking about…

Again, though, another solid little detail! You’ve got a lot of good ones like this.

However her choice of nicknames can sometimes differ to sound mean in negative situations or when she actually gets mad. When in despair situations, she’d be shock like all the others, but would turn to anger as a reaction rather than be sad about it, which she gets rid of all that energy through dancing, either through her own tunes in her headphones or DDR in her room.

Nice, nice, we’re getting some good detail here, namely that she turns to anger to express her negative emotions rather than sadness and that she’s found productive means of releasing said anger.

Patience for her is also an issue. She dislikes silence to the point she has to tap her feet after ten seconds have passed. To her when silence rises, the mind wanders. And Rizumu doesn’t want the silence to take her back to her past.

More good stuff here, though there’s more to patience than just waiting for something to happen in the immediacy, you know? How is Rizumu, for example, in terms of long-term planning or putting up with people beating around the bush rather than facing conflict head-on?

Rizumu doesn’t always understand what heart has in mind. She makes a vow to cut off her past life, yet she still tends to hold onto some kind of memento, whether through physical expression, gesture, photo or item. But she doesn’t look back at any photo’s or items from her former life, unless its with someone she trusts highly, but she also worries about her “chance” leaving the same way her dad did.

Her “chance” being the people who she trusts?

Which is one of the reasons on preferring to be with a group instead of a duo or solo.

I feel like there’s a bit of contradictory, confusing information here, specifically about “keeping a photo” and “not looking back on any photos.” so I’m going to try and sum it up the best I can: Rizumu doesn’t always know how she’ll come to terms with her own past. While she still keeps physical mementos of it, she avoids thinking about it or talking about it unless she’s with someone she trusts.

I’m also glad to see you’re addressing some of her abandonment anxiety! “Being part of a group makes me feel more secure in my place than being part of a duo or by myself” makes a lot of sense and adds a good dimension to Rizumu.

She is quite bitter towards those achieve talent through their heritage and boast about it, but she’ll allow to hear what her enemies and rivals have to say before owning them sassing them out.

So here, you’re equating “people who brag about inherited talent” and “Rizumu’s enemies,” right? It’s fine that you are, of course--they do seem like the kind of people she wouldn’t get along with--but just so you’re aware of that implication!

You know, though, I’d be interested in seeing what other people make of Rizumu and her talent in this regard. While she really got into urban dancing when she was homeless, her mother did pay for expensive (?) private school ballet and pushed her towards dancing. While Rizumu’s situation certainly wasn’t Good by any stretch of the mind, do you think people would bring that up to her? How would she react to other people implying that she only got her talent due to her heritage?

When meeting others, there’s a chance they’ll make her see her worth, accept her and her past and make her feel comfortable about her gender

Her misgivings about her past and discomfort with regard to gender were touched on briefly (though I’d like some more details with most of them too, honestly), but you haven’t mentioned any anxieties about her self-worth. You mention it briefly later in the form, but you’d be best off bringing these up (and explaining them) in the background or earlier in the personality section!

Other Hobbies or Talents: Dancing is pretty much her characterisation, but despite sticking to fast music and dance types and hating ballet, she can have a bit of knowledge on other dance origins. Since coming to the streets, Rizumu had gained experiences in parkour and rollerblading which she got from Shouji Konda. She does go to the arcades often as she can with him and Hitomi Yoko. Her other hobby is Graffiti, which she learned from Hitomi.

So these hobbies seem a little bit like Rizumu stepped out of Jet Set Radio. Which isn’t a bad thing, but it’s a little... archetypical? Stereotypical? Like she’s trying to check all the boxes for “Rebellious Urban Teen.” I’m curious to know whether Rizumu just got into these activities because she likes them, or if she uses them to leverage the image of the Graffiti Streakerz to appeal to other rebellious teens.

I’m also curious about graffiti as a hobby. I’m not sure where Rizumu lives, but I know Tokyo is full of graffiti, and a lot of it carries a political undercurrent--was she into that scene at all? Did she have any messages she wanted to get out?

Rizumu can work with materials like fabric which she got from her family, but keeps quiet on saying it was her work and was something she found. She even created her dance crew’s wear by herself

My mother speaks Spanish and loves woodworking--both of which she does fairly often and both of which I have absolutely no idea how to do. What I’m saying is, you usually don’t learn skills from your parents just by watching them, unless you have some natural predisposition as a child and you’re actively trying to learn. And since the latter doesn’t seem true, and it doesn’t seem like Rizumu’s mother was particularly inclined to teach her any kind of sewing, design, or textile work… It’s kind of hard to believe she has those skills, even with her background!

Also, under that logic she found some perfectly-tailored, aesthetically-accurate uniforms for her entire crew? I’m just curious to know how she went about explaining that!

In a despair setting, would your character kill, or be killed? Despite earning a name for herself, Rizumu degrading from her mother and hate from her sisters makes her question if she’s worthy of it.

That’s terrible, but that’s good! I mean, not good, of course, but it’s important that you bring this up because it’s a realistic consequence of familial abuse and… well, because it’s something you mention Rizumu struggling with. It would be good if you detailed it further, as well: do these anxieties still plague her (as severely) now that it sounds like she has a solid group with her? Does she feel justified anger towards her family for what they did, or does she still harbor a lot of the blame herself?

She saw nothing else other than to dance because that was the only memory that made her happy. Any “chance” she got had to be set aside or thrown away due to her vow to change.

I’m going to be honest, I’m… not quite sure what this means. What does the “chance” refer to--the chance to go back to her family, or to make it so her parents split in the first place? The chance that was referenced above--people she trusts, or who make her feel good about herself?

To this day, she still wants to know where her dad is, but would never go to the extreme such as killing someone to find out.

Well, it’s good to know that, both for the questions’ sake and for some answers about her father. From both this question and the one below it I’m figuring it’s not likely Rizumu would kill anyone, but is there any other reason she’d more likely end up as the victim?

What would happen if your character did kill? If she does become blackened it would be to prevent a second murder or sacrifice herself to be the victim as long as a second doesn’t occur after her so the game would continue, because she wasn’t going to give up on life.

When you say “sacrifice herself to be the victim,” do you mean something along the lines of what Tanaka and Nidai did in chapter four? Even then, that was done in an act of sheer desperation (if those two didn’t die, everyone else would have, unlike every other motive we saw)--so you’re really saying Rizumu wouldn’t likely kill someone. Totally fine, but it might be good to address other motives besides her father. How would she feel if the motive threatened Shouji or Hitomi, or her entire dance crew? Or if a motive would cripple or remove her legs, potentially destroying her dancing career and her only means of escape and survival from her past life? It’s still possible she wouldn’t kill over it, but would those affect her?

“A beating heart is a chance of Hope.”

I don’t dislike this quote, but I just want a little more context behind it--is it something Rizumu would say, a philosophy she follows, something she came to believe in a hypothetical killing game?

However, if she did get her “chance” through this killing life she would do she could to keep them alive. She would even cry because she was the one that was going to disappear out of their life instead of the other way around, but would make them promise to try and keep living

Oh! Okay, okay, I think I get it--this “chance” in quotes refers to someone she can really trust and open up to, and who she feels comfortable around to present as she wants to? That’s great--it makes a lot of sense that Rizumu would strongly attach to someone or a small group of people who really accepted her. That said, you probably want to explain it in a more straightforward manner earlier in the form, because like I said, I’ve been a… little confused.

If your character was found guilty of a murder, what would their execution look like?

Dance, Dance, Rizumu! or Street Rat Dance Trap: Rizumu is centred on a dance floor of pink, blue and yellow (The colours of the steps in Pump It Up), dancing her final dance in front of a lot of Monokumas and the students still living. All was going well until the beat ended. The yellow spots turned sticky, barely movable unless done so slowly. The pink and blue spots were sensors and pressure plates to activate hazards.

Rizumu moved to get to the back of the stage, where the exit lied from the shining of white but the glue traps prevented her from keeping up with the beat and the hazards from the sensors or pressure plates were triggered by the Monokuma crowd booing and throwing things at her as well as Monokuma switching the dance stage’s spots around. Everything seemed to end when her neck wound got reopen by a glass bottle shard and let out a scream which led everything to silence and darkness.

Rizumu was now lying on the stage, her clothes that had remained were torn and wrecked, but she was still alive. She lifted her upper body up slowly to look at where she saw the students, but she can’t move her arms and legs due to the glue or being trapped under the collapsed part of the stage so she could only look up as the spotlight of what is actually a disco ball that hanged on a thread fall on top of her and kill her with Monokuma on top of it holding a pair of scissors and laughing.

I like the idea of this execution, but I feel like you might not have gotten quite what you were picturing into words here--at least, I had a little bit of trouble visualizing it! Was the stage made of a bunch of changing, multicolored tiles, like a fancy dance floor at a club or an RPG puzzle, or was it literally like a Pump it Up/DDR stage, where the tiles showed where Rizumu was supposed to dance? What were the hazards that were triggered--or were they just what the Monokuma crowd was throwing at her? Why did the stage collapse--was that one of the blue/pink tile hazards, or something else?

Again, I like the execution, and her neck wound being reopened is really fitting! I think it just needs a bit more detail and transition so the reader can follow along with it more easily!

(This execution fits in with Rizumu and her talent. The irony to this execution is Rizumu dislikes slow music dances and always danced on stage with a group, no duos or solos. The reason why is connected to her past and that she did dance at a very young age, up until she found her true talent let’s just say there was a lot of standing still in life and moving slow in dance. Dancing was her way of running or fleeing while standing her ground, so she had to dance her way out of her execution. When she stopped or there was no beat to hear, she could only then dwell on past thoughts which leads to her fear of being anchored by her sadness she tried to hold back or convert through dancing.)

While I think the execution, at its best, should be able to explain this through showing without telling, I am glad you included it here!

Other information: Since her heart can throb for either gender from whatever sets her off, Rizumu is bisexual, despite her believing she’s asexual.

Ha, that’s an interesting way to phrase it! One thing, though, is that I think you can be bi and ace at the same time--not to say Rizumu is or isn’t either way, but just keep that in mind!

She used to have a pet crested cockatoo she called Bop that her mother got for decor, since a dog or cat would ruin fabric. However, he didn’t do much until Rizumu stuck on her favourite tunes and began dancing with her. They were true companions, but due to her competitive sisters wanting to play with the bird and her mother living up to be The Damsel of Design eager to finish her work, Rizumu discovered Bop dead in the front garden with his wrecked cage and all his feathers gone to make a hat, so Rizumu had to give him a proper burial.

Okay, so this is a bit of a nitpick, but cockatoo feathers aren’t really used in making hats--even if Rizumu’s mother was desperate, she probably wouldn’t have come up with a great looking product. Also, are you implying her sisters helped kill this bird out of jealousy? Because… yeesh.

Shouji and Hitomi made her feel better by giving a cage Hitomi bought and a cockatoo from Shoji’s house which Rizumu called Jig.

Alright, then, time for some final thoughts!

Like a lot of the DR OCs I review, my biggest suggestion is that you include some more detail. Not that you make the form much longer or pad it out, necessarily, but that you elaborate on and explain some of the concepts you’ve already brought up.

I think my issues with Rizumu’s backstory are clear by the number of questions I ask, right? While I’m not inherently opposed to any of the concepts you bring up (her parent’s wedding, her father leaving, her mother’s and sisters’ abuse, her entry into urban dancing, the people she meets after she becomes homeless), the main problem is… you just kind of bring them up, with no attempt to explain the more unrealistic elements.

Her personality is a little better on this front, especially when it elaborates on topics brought up in the backstory (like Rizumu’s lack of self-worth stemming from her mother’s abuse), but it still suffers from some underdeveloped concepts holding it back--for and example I brought up earlier, you say Rizumu is both book and street smart, and… that’s it. No showing them, no bringing up accomplishments requiring them, no mentioning them later.

Another common trend I noticed over much of the form, though I think it was most noticable at the end of the backstory and during the execution, is that I think you have all of the details and story in mind and don’t quite translate all of those ideas to writing--I only bring it up because that’s something I struggle with a lot when I’m writing. We just have to remember that the reader doesn’t have all of the context and visualization that we, the writer, have come up with. Any interpretation they’re going to do, they have to do only with the words we give them--so we have to make sure to give them enough that they know what’s going on!

I kind of smacked you with my big complaints right out of the gate, but there’s a lot going on with this form that I really do like, too! Like I brought up a few times, you’ll often throw out a small but really good detail: the Grafitti Streakerz, the nicknames, Rizumu dancing on her father’s feet, “Poster Peep.” Little things like that really add to Rizumu’s character and the setting you’re trying to build up for her without sticking too much baggage to the form; I really love those!

Furthermore, even if it’s not always explained in the clearest way, you seem to have a really solid direction in which you want to take Rizumu. Ninety percent of the issues I brought up in the personality and background sections are easily fixed with a bit more explanation and detail, because the skeleton for a well fleshed-out character is very much already here--she just needs, well, some more fleshing out!

#reviews #dangan ronpa oc #dangan ronpa oc review #magentacrystal59 #graffitistreakingurbandancer

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