#m so fucking tired and i cant sleep because i cant just ~ignore~ tihings i fucking hate it here

[possibly-eli]

the fucking wild thing about living around/with people who are like. yk. ableist in a Very Specific Way (and being bullied for being disabled) is how that kinda. internalises a lil weirdly or whatever

like i was terrified for fucking ages that i wouldnt be applicable for my country's disability allowance thing because im like. not the ~right kind~ of disabled (despite being. objectively disabled regardless).

i think its kinda like. related to the general lack of equity or something. im not looked at like im disabled (and having specific needs that need to be tended to), but just. someone who's lazy and doesnt want to do a thing. like i only got permission to wear my headphones in school THIS YEAR. i only got access to my school's disability support system like. what 2 years ago? after having my diagnosis for i think 4? 5 years at this point i think. i function so specifically that its just generally assumed that i dont need extra supports until its made APPARENT that i need them later on (though ofc the whole "me being aggressively suicidal at age 12/13" thing didnt actually lead to those supports. which i think is funny. i think my parents just assumed "erm. this is just a phase. if we address it once i SHOULD be fine and our child will never be suicidal AGAIN proceeds to. not ABUSE per se but. be kind of Wrong about that child (not taking emotional needs in to account, getting mad because that child reacted to having their boundaries knowingly crossed in regards to sensory overload from. the sensory processing disorder theyve been Diagnosed with. but thats not what im talking about right now so im going to stop thinking about it ok cool)

like how difficult can it be to comprehend that theres just things i Cant Do. i dont Care if youre able to block out things you dont want to hear, mom, i dont care if youre able to just get up and do things but i cant and i dont know how to dumb that down for you any more than i have already because you are actively not listening to me. and idk

im really fucking overwhelmed right now because my stupid godawful brother is snoring through the walls and. again. i cant just fucking Block That Out. so im wearing my headphones and listening to some rainworld videos but also i need to charge my headphones for the morning so i might just like. die