will you still love me when i’m no longer young and beautiful’ ive never wanted anything more than you fat and old and wrinkled and at the apex of a life we created together. i love you like the sun loves brown eyes. i love you like the piano loves the spotlight. are you listening to me? you are to me what heartbreak is to a country singer. i love you like innumerable generations of girls in rooms have loved each other in darkness and in peace. the love i carry for you lives in the same place as my love for the ocean. it lives before words, before consciousness, before knowledge.
in university they teach us about interpersonal neurobiology. that love lives deeper in the brain than anything other than breath and water. it is not a lecture where i learn this lesson but instead waking up with you the morning before class. i learn it in eating sunshine and your eyelashes for breakfast. am i being clear? loving you is contingent on nothing so paltry as the corporeal. it’s not dimmed by age spots or creaking joints. you will always be the most beautiful woman in the world but never more than when i get to see our history hidden behind crow’s feet and aching knees
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i. soda, coffee, tea — we keep ordering beverages upon beverages because our eye contact keeps running deep and this is no time to get up and leave.
ii. you bring out the goofy in me. do I bring out the profound in you?
iii. fill in the blanks — who ever thought that as adults we'd have to keep doing that for every exchange and interaction we have with another human being instead of facts about history and geography. tell me, am I going to get a good grade? are there any grace marks?
iv. we never had a candle light dinner with roses on the table when we were together. dinners like these have come in too delayed but it's all divine timing, isn't it?
v. your smile is like a child wanting to spill a secret, unsure if it's the right time, place, and person and hence lingering around in eternity.
vi. we laugh like this now because we have cried in each other's arms in the past.
vii. emotional intelligence, reliability, punctuality, and respect — tell me, am I not one who brought those all to the table in abundance?
viii. long walks in silent streets after delicious dinners are for hand holding, quick kisses, and long hugs.
ix. wish me good night with a kiss and good morning with a hug and in the afternoons bring me fresh cut strawberries and I'll make us hot chocolate in the evenings and on nights life feels a bit trippy we will add some whisky and lie down on the floor side by side in silence.
x. i'm learning, growing, observing — i know you are too.
xi. across cities, we will share life updates, across years, we will share love and laughter. the moans are out, the tears too.
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🦋
stepping over the mess in my childhood room, we unconsciously destroy the memories we came to share
each childhood tale of sticky fingers and sunburns is replaced by a story of sweet and warm adolescence
who are you and what have we become?
one day, far in the future, but near still, we will replace these as well
who are you and what have we become?
the soft skin of our youth gives way to the callouses of age and resilience
butterfly kisses now speak french
and so i reach for the arms that used to hold me so tight, only to find a tangled mess of expectations
who are you and what have we become?
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You dont have to tell people how you feel so you and them are on the same page. You can be mute and keep it pushing and go with the flow. Not everyone needs to know what you’re thinking about and what your feelings are at that moment cause your feelings and thoughts change constantly. You may be feeling like this today and then feel the opposite tomorrow. Just go with the flow of things. whoever you cross paths with will love and enjoy you but learn to enjoy yourself most importantly. 🤝🏾🫂
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Aditi
it's your birthday today
a big one
and i haven't wished you
cause 12 am is not our friendship anymore
and 6pm just seems too late to care,
you put a story with your real friends
and i don't know a single one of them
you look so beautiful there
holding the flowers i never gave you,
this girl has the same name as you
i like her more
i had loved you longer
so much love left that i can't express
you taught me how to hate myself,
i thought i got over it
but my life is a mess like always
so i love remembering you from the past
feeling feelings and a new jealousy
even as i don't want you back now.
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home is the graveyard of wasted potential. i lived in that house for years and after all this time, the yellow paint is finally chipping off. i have lived, loved and suffered in that house. it was there where i learnt how to ride a bike and use a skipping rope. i sat at the dinner table, waiting for my father to speak gently. i ran up the stairs, hoping i was one step closer to heaven. i fell asleep in the bathroom floor because of the one summer where the heat was eating me alive. i hid in my bedroom while i whispered quiet lullabies to myself - leaving the light to shelter me from the dark. there is no place like home.
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