#lot of my weird feels came from mentally re-living his funeral

[sociallyawkwardsailor]

I couldn’t watch the funeral (despite being up); knowing how my mind is with grief and shit, I spent a rather meditative 45 minutes in the barracks gym.  

It was just me, the weather was pleasant, the Army was not out doing hooah PT yet, and I had this on repeat because it just felt right with my feels, which are a mixture of happy-sad, ‘cause like...they fuckin’ again.  Sir came back for her and they together now and I’m a fucking wreck over complete strangers which is weird but it’s been a hell of a ride.  One I’m thankful for.  

Anyway I think such quiet time was what I needed to “be” with my feelings and get out my pent up energy.

[willandlyra]

the oceans have me now

in which annabeth spends a lot of time hanging out at the pier and one day, she meets a mermaid.

word count: 3k

ao3 link

::

The first time Annabeth meets the mermaid, she is twelve, angrily throwing rocks against the sharp surface of the water.

She’s short, frizzy-blonde hair sticking up all over the place, bleached even brighter by the summer sun. And she’s extremely pissed off with her best friend.

It’s something stupid – futile – she’ll forget about it in a couple of hours when he turns up at her door pleadingly. Truthfully, she’ll forget it as soon as she spots the pretty girl, watching her from the rocks sticking out of the sea a few metres away from the pier.

“You suck, Percy Jackson,” she mutters, under her breath. There’s no one around – a blessing this time of year. But it’s getting late, she supposes. The sun bleaching the blue sky in shades of orange and deep pinks, making the ocean roof glitter.

It’ll get dark soon. And cold. But Annabeth doesn’t want to go home.

Home, like Percy Jackson, really tends to suck at the moment.

But it’s when she’s murmuring curses that Percy Jackson will never actually hear that a voice interrupts her steady stream of thought, and Annabeth catches sight of her.

“I don’t think he can hear you,” her voice is feather-light, sing-song-like. Annabeth looks up quickly and urgently and scans around the docking area, but there’s no one. It’s a ghost town. And then she brings her gaze before her. And the girl is moving closer, in time with the soft splash of the waves she brings as she swims.

“They don’t recommend swimming here without a lifeguard,” Annabeth warns her.

The girl gives her a smile. She’s stopped swimming now, a few inches away from the edge of the pier.

“Thanks for the tip,” she says. “But I think I’ll be alright.”

Annabeth scowls, because the obnoxiousness reminds her of Percy, who’d had this exact attitude last summer before he’d whacked his head on the wood and almost drowned. And Annabeth had had to get her clothes wet diving in after him. And they’d both been grounded for a week.

“Yeah, well,” Annabeth mutters. She turns, prepared to walk away and go home and mope in her room for a bit, before falling into drawing and other worlds and drawing other worlds to take her mind off of it. “It’s your funeral.”

“Wait, no, I’m sorry,” the girl says. “I didn’t mean to annoy you.”

Annabeth hesitates. Feels a little guilty because she’s being cold and this weird girl in the sea is just trying to be nice.

“It’s okay, you didn’t. I’m just annoyed.”

“How come?” the girl asks. Her face is all curiosity. Mouth curved up in sympathy. Big moon eyes and she looks ready to listen.

Annabeth is definitely ready to rant.

“It’s a long story.”

The water girl grins. “I’ve got time.”

Annabeth thought she’d had more than enough of strange, pretty-faced friends who have big mouths and half live in the sea.

Annabeth thought wrong.

::

Annabeth thought very wrong. Because this strange, pretty-faced friend definitely has a big mouth, but she doesn’t half live in the sea. She full lives in the sea: breathes and becomes the ocean. A scaly tale the colour of sunsets, bright oranges and reds and pinks smudging into each other, shining beneath the film-like surface of the ocean.

“Don’t scream,” Piper – that’s her name, Piper – had said, warningly, before she’d broken all of the rules in Annabeth’s black-and-white world.

Annabeth didn’t scream. But the world was backflipping and breaking and turning into something new and golden as she’d stared.

::

Annabeth takes to spending the rest of the summer evenings out at the pier. This is much to the chagrin of Percy, and although they’ve made up and he’s her best friend in the world and she loves him, she can’t bring herself to create any distance between her and Piper.

But she can’t bring herself to share Piper, either.

The summer comes to a slow end. September isn’t that much colder but the beautiful girl who lives in the ocean is gone without saying goodbye, and so everything feels a lot icier than it actually is.

::

The next summer, Annabeth’s dad and step-mother have enough and send her half way across the country to go to camp.

She comes home a few days before the holidays end. She doesn’t bother going to the pier to look for Piper. She’s never been good at letting go of grudges.

For the next two summers, she stays home but no matter how many times Percy tries to drag her down to the sea, she refuses.

::

The next time Annabeth sees the mermaid she is fifteen and she is dating Percy Jackson.

Everything is weird and strange and she likes it but she doesn’t. She likes being close to Percy but she doesn’t know if she wants to kiss him. She loves him more than anyone else in the world and so it doesn’t make sense that she doesn’t want to be alone with him anymore.

After blowing him off for the third day in a row, and unable to spend another day cooped up in the house – stupid stepmom and stupid brothers and stupid family – she makes her way down to the best sunset spot in town.

The pier. Where she can clear her head. Where she can finally breathe.

By the time she makes it there the sun is already half-way to setting. She’s missed the best parts and pretty soon it’ll be getting cold, and she’s forgotten a jacket. She sits down, arms around her knees, all bruised and cut-up from forest adventures and climbing trees because she and Percy haven’t quite grown up, not yet.

Except from when they try to be.

And she hugs herself tightly and closes her eyes and tries to think her way out of what she’s feeling.

“Hey,” a voice says and it’s been three years but Annabeth’s head is up, snap-your-neck quick and she’s glaring.

“You,” she says, though it comes out more like a bit of a spit, and a lot more accusatory than intended.

Piper smiles sheepishly. Like this isn’t anything she wouldn’t expect.

“Me,” she agrees. “Hi, Annabeth. Long time no see.”

“And who’s fault is that?”

“A little bit of mine,” Piper admits. But then she frowns. “You weren’t here though, last summer. Or the time before that or even – you’ve not been here for ages. I came back. I checked.”

“You did?”

“Of course I did,” Piper sounds a little upset by Annabeth’s skepticism. But surely she understands that if a friend leaves you once, you don’t really expect them not to do so again and again and again?

“But you left first,” Annabeth reminds her. Voice quivers a little bit.

I am not weak, she tells herself. She hears the tinny voice of Piper responding inside of her head, saying, feeling things doesn’t make you weak.

She makes a mental note to ask Piper if she can read minds and telepathically communicate. Only, you know, not when they’re mid dramatic re-introduction after three years of radio silence.

“I didn’t know,” Piper says quietly. “I was a kid too. Nobody told me we’d be leaving in the morning. We travel around the seas. We only come by this area every so often, once a year, when it’s the warmest and the prettiest. My dad likes it. Reminds him of my mom.”

She says this all very quickly.

Annabeth takes the moments wherein Piper is talking very quickly to survey the old but still familiar face. Her dark skin and perpetually wet hair hanging around her shoulders and big, earnest eyes.

Can’t help but focus on her lips. Slightly red underneath the dying light.

“Oh,” Annabeth says, eventually. “I didn’t think of it like that.”

“What did you think of it like?”

“I don’t know. Like you’d just got bored and decided to piss off somewhere cooler. You have the whole ocean, don’t you?”

“You have the whole earth, don’t you?” Piper quips back and Annabeth can’t help but smile although she tries to hide it with a scoff. “Anyway,” she continues. “I wouldn’t just up and leave. I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye.”

“Yeah?” Annabeth asks. Raises one eyebrow.

Allows one leg to be cautiously dipped over the side of the pier, so that her bare foot just touches the cool splash of water.

“Prove it. Don’t leave without saying goodbye this time.”

And Piper grins.

“It’s a promise.”

::

One evening, way after curfew as the summer comes to a close, Annabeth lies with her head against the pier and looks up at the stars. Piper, next to her, lies on the surface of the water, floating upwards and gazing up and letting the moonlight wash down over her body.

Beautiful beautiful beautiful beautiful, these, among others, are some of Annabeth’s thoughts that night.

It’s getting cold but she feels so warm.

Her phone is off and she’s not done anything to feel bad about, so why does she feel so guilty about not getting round to texting Percy back?

“Hey, Piper,” she says, jogging herself out of her thoughts and back into the real world.

But the real world seems so make believe when she’s lying underneath starlight, on an ink-bleached evening where everything is a daydream and a mermaid is beside her, breathing gently against the waves of water that lap against her skin.

“Yeah?” Piper’s voice is sleepy.

Annabeth knows, through detailed discussion of what it’s like to be a mermaid, and what, in turn, it is like to be a human, that mermaids do sleep. They sleep underwater, usually from the hours after sunrise until the early evening. Pre-sunset.

This is to avoid fishermen.

Since meeting Piper, Annabeth has had a more violent than usual reaction to her step-mother making any type of seafood casserole. Not that she ever liked it to begin with.

Annabeth clears her throat.

Stop thinking.

But gods above you’re gorgeous.

“Mermaids can’t, you know, read minds, can they?” she asks.

::

Piper keeps her promise.

She says goodbye this time.

When it isn’t the summer sunset and there aren’t mermaids hanging around the ocean, the pier becomes Annabeth’s least favourite location in the entire city.

::

She and Percy break up. They go back to being best friends, and the world goes back to rotating tin the correct direction.

When she tells him, a few months later, that she maybe, just a little bit, potentially likes girls and only girls, Percy looks at her for a few moments and then shrugs.

“Okay,” he says. “That’s cool.” He pauses. They’re sixteen, in the midst of high school. He grins. “Wanna go climb trees?”

They go and climb trees.

::

On the first day of June, the very next summer, Annabeth waits at the edge of the pier for a magical girl who she loves with her whole heart. She waits to kiss her underneath the milky moonlight, to hold her hand even though it’s cold and clammy, feels dead as a fish.

She loves Piper, she’s pretty sure. So she’ll hold hands with ocean girls whose touch feels like dead things.

Honestly, despite her lesbianism and the train wreck that was their relationship, even having Percy Jackson for a boyfriend felt easier than this.

So Annabeth waits until it’s dark and when Piper doesn’t come, she goes home. Comes back the next day, before sunset. She repeats this sequence for the whole summer, at least, until late July when she gives up.

And when Percy asks why she looks so sad she says, “I’m just all stressed about college,” because she doesn’t particularly want to go, and she doesn’t want to be alone but there’s nothing for her in this town.

Percy doesn’t believe her but he never pushes.

For that whole summer, Piper never comes.

::

As they get a little older Annabeth’s fears about college become a reality. Percy gets a swim-team scholarship and he’s going a thousand miles away.

Annabeth supposes her only escape is college, too. It’s what everyone has always expected. But while Annabeth loves to learn, loves wisdom and knowledge, she doesn’t think she particularly likes education. She’s always struggled in school and the things that she wants to know aren’t what can be put down on paper.

She wants to see how things happen, not know how they are described by a paper and a pen. She wants to know the why and not just the what, and she wants to watch it all, not theorise from a book. And while sometimes that was okay and she knows it’s enough for some, that Percy will have the time of his life studying marine biology, it’s not what she wants.

But this town chokes her. The water threatens to rise up from the ocean and drown them all and Annabeth will be the first victim of the unruly witch that they know as the sea.

It’s safe to say that she feels a little lost.

::

Annabeth is eighteen when she finally, finally, meets the mermaid, one last time.

It’s the middle of the night. Summer is burning and there are stars in the sky and she doesn’t feel cold at all. And they were partying over at the Stoll brothers’ house, but she’s stone cold sober.

Tomorrow morning, Percy leaves for college, and she’ll be alone.

She never bothered sending off an application.

So she sits at the pier. She’s not expecting much, because for the past two summers, Piper has not returned and she’s given up waiting. She won’t pretend to be some helpless princess, waiting on a tower top for some beautiful girl who isn’t going to come back.

But here’s the thing: she does come back.

A splash of silver, something magic glimmering at the bottom of the ocean. A tail thrashing through the stillness of the night. Annabeth’s eyes are closed, her ears still thumping from the party and the loud music that can still be heard a few blocks away. Still a little teary from saying goodbyes, from hugging her best friend so tight she thought they both might die.

She doesn’t look up.

She listens to the waves and she doesn’t dare to hope.

But there’s this voice, melodic and soft and oceanic in itself, that calls to her, that brings her back from the dreamland she’s lapsing into, and back into reality.

A weird reality, where strange half-fish friends smile sheepishly from the ocean. Half of her body is human and half of it is the colour of the sunset, glowing oddly underneath the light of the moon.

Annabeth’s reality is, quite frankly, a fucking weird one.

“Hi,” Piper says.

Annabeth blinks.

She sits up, slowly.

And then, without thinking, she picks up her shoe (from where it’s been sat next to her as her toes dipped into the cool water) and flings it into the sea. Not anywhere near enough to hit Piper, but enough to splash her with droplets of water.

“Um,” Piper says. “Can I take that as you saying hi back?”

“You can take it,” Annabeth snaps. “As me saying a giant fuck you in mermaid speak.”

“I speak English,” Piper reminds her.

“Well, have it in two languages then.”

“Annabeth, listen,” Piper swims forwards, clammy hands reaching out to grip the wooden edge of the pier. “I’m sorry. I wanted to come back.”

“I’m getting really sick of you leaving, you know that?” Annabeth’s voice is bitter and she’s not looking at Piper. She’s looking out at the sea and the moonlight horizon and the miles and miles of black, blank ocean.

Not so black and blank because underneath the gentle waves are monsters and weird fish and fungus and beautiful mermaid girls who have been breaking Annabeth’s heart since she was twelve years old.

“I know,” Piper tells her. Voice pleading. “Would you believe me if I told you I was getting sick of me leaving, too?”

“Then why do you keep doing it?”

“Because I’m – I was a kid. I had to stay with my family. I couldn’t leave them and believe me, it sucked and when I found out we weren’t coming by here anymore… believe me, it broke my heart and I wanted to swim away but I just couldn’t…”

“You could have,” Annabeth tells her.

Her voice is small now. A shadow in a dark room. Something soft.

“I couldn’t,” Piper shakes her head. “But I’m here now. I left my family. I turned eighteen and I left them, and I came back for you.”

Annabeth gapes at her.

Piper is looking earnest. Face bright and shining underneath the sky light.

She’s every bit as beautiful as she was when they first met.

“You left your family?”

“I’ll find them again,” Piper says, but she doesn’t sound sure. “I had to come back for you, though. I couldn’t just. Stay away forever. It wasn’t fair and you’re the best friend I’ve ever had, and it’s really crazy because you’re not like me. You’re literally from another world.”

“Tell me about it,” Annabeth mutters.

There is so much about Piper’s world she doesn’t know about.

How exactly do mermaids breathe, sleep and speak underneath the ocean?

“But I had to come back,” Piper finishes, as if she hasn’t heard a thing. Breathless. “I had to come back for you. I couldn’t stay away. I couldn’t…”

“Thank you,” Annabeth tells her. She feels awkward, suddenly, stilted and shy. Her voice cracks. “I missed you.”

“I missed you,” Piper tells her.

Tentatively, Annabeth slides her hands across the cool, rough surface of the pier walk-way. Her hands find Piper’s, and she tangles them together.

Piper’s fingers feel cold, dead, alien. Something from another world.

And they fit Annabeth’s perfectly.

They are quiet for a moment, like counting each other’s heart beats in the quiet. And then Annabeth moves forward, still seated, until she’s right on the edge of the pier, her hands dropping Piper’s. And then, fully-clothed, she lowers herself down, into the sea.

It’s cold. The chill of it jars her, sends goosebumps bursting up and down her arms and legs. Her clothes cling uncomfortably to her body.

But she’s closer to Piper than she ever has been before.

And when Piper takes her hands once again – no longer strange, no longer uncomfortable at the touch, like they’re from the same world now – she feels safe above the water.

“I love you,” Annabeth has never said this before. The words feel like giants.

But Piper reacts as if they are mice. “I know,” she says. She smiles. “I love you too.”

The ocean rolls against them, sends shocks of cold up and down Annabeth’s spine and skin. But when Piper presses her lips – as cold, as wet as they are – against Annabeth’s own, all she can feel is warmth.

[kurasshadow]

Detailed plot of “Narratage” (novel)

Hey! So I just finished my first novel in Japanese, Shimamoto Rios „Narratage“. As some of you may know, this is the novel Matsujuns new movie is based on. Since there is close to no information about the story available (other than „a teacher has a relationship with a student“), I thought I could write a more detailed summary of the plot for the people who are interested.

Please keep the following things in mind:

This is about the novel, not the movie! (The movie might and propably will be different at some points)

This is what I remember from the novel. I might have forgotten things or even misunderstood them completely because Japanese is not my first language.

More than a summary, I might write with too much detail and interpretation so...I hope it's still easy to read

There will be possible spoilers (of course), so I divided it up in parts, from „light spoilers“ to „severe spoilers“ as the plot goes on

Plot and review after the cut!

1. Part: summary/ premise

One night, the first-year university student Kudou Izumi gets a call from her former highshchool-teacher Hayama. He is the supervisor of the drama club at her old highschool and asks Izumi, who was a former member, if she would help the club out for their new play, because they have too few new members. Izumi accepts, but is very nervous. Back when she had been in highschool, she had a special relationship to Hayama, so she is not sure how to act around him.

During highschool she had been bullied and Hayama-sensei had been the only one who had noticed that she was having problems. He had helped her and even unknowingly prevented her from committing suicide. They got to know each other better, shared their hobbys and interests and realized they shared a special connection. From that time on, Izumi had been in love with him. Even now she carries aorund a photograph of them and a letter she had written but never handed over. On the day of graduation, she had confessed to Hayama-sensei, but he had responded that he is uncapable of giving love to others. He then told her that he once was married. He had lived with his wife and his own mother together in a house, but he had failed to notice that the two women were despising each other. Everything ended in chaos as his wife got mentally ill and burned down their house. Now he lost contact to his mother and his wife, who now lives in Hokkaio, and he blames himself for it.

2. Part (light spoilers)

The practice is going well, and Izumi is happy to be reunited again wih her friends. She also gets to know Kono-kun,  an university-student who is also helping out the club. The two of them get along very well, and Kono-kun confesses to Izumi. She refuses, since she likes Kono-kun as a friend, but can't imagine going out with him. Kono-kuns accepts, but asks Izumi if she is in love with Hayama-sensei. Izumi is surprised, but he tells her that her affection is very apparent. Her best friend also knows about Izumis love, but advises her to forget about Hayama-sensei.

Meanwhile, both Izumi and Hayama-sensei realize that they are still very close. They start to meet up casually and some of their meetings are even a bit date-like. Both of them feel attracted to the other, but there is no open flirting or any physical contact.

Then, the whole club is in shock as one member, Yuzuko-chan goes missing. Izumi once again notices how much Hayama-sensei worries and blames himself for not being able to help a student, who had shown signs of mental illnes and trouble before. Yuzuko-chan re-appears after a few days.

During summer vacation, Izumi gets worried about Hayama-sensei since he doesn't answer his phone. She notices that he has gone „missing“, as in he is not at home and nobody knows how to find him. She tries and finally manages to track him down. They finally meet as Hayama-sensei comes back home, completely drunk. Izumi helpes him inside his flat. Hayama-sensei tells her that he got a contact from his ex-wife and that he did'nt know how to react. He asks her to spend some time with him and then requests her to cut his hair since he never goes to the hairdresser. Izumi agrees and cuts his hair, but when she is cutting his bangs, the two of them get close and they both kiss. As she brings Hayama-sensei to his bedroom she notices that there are a lot of things which do not belong to him and asks him, whether he was still in love with his wife. Hayama-sensei than confesses that he had been lying to Izumi, and that he not only still loves his wife, (who lives with her parents in Hokkaido) but that they are still married.

Izumi is devastated that he had lied to her. They spend the next day together, but Izumi tells Hayama-sensei that she doesn't want to meet him privately any more. She also tries to ignore him during practice.

After the final performance of the play, Izumi spends some days at Kono-kuns hometown. He once again asks Izumi to go out with him, and tells her that he doesn't care whether she still has feelings for Hayama-sensei. Izumi agrees and they begin dating.

Part 3 - more severe spoilers

For a few months, everything goes well for  Izumi and Kono-kun. They seem to be a good match, and Izumi feels save. One night however she gets a call from Hayama-sensei who tells her he was lonely. Izumi explains that she is dating Kono-kun and cuts him off. She does not tell Kono-kun so he would'nt worry. A few days later, though, Kono-kun confronts Izumi. He knows about the phone-call and is angry because he thinks Izumi is still too invested in Hayama-sensei. Izumi figures out that Kono-kun had been searching her phone and notes, since he also found the letter and the photgraph, and feels betrayed. To make everything worse, Kono-kun then forces Izumi to sleep with him as a proof of her „love“ to him. He apologizes to her the next day and she forgives him, but doesn't feel save anymore.

A few days later on her way home, Izumi gets stalked by a weird man. She gets scared and calls Kono-kun so he can come to pick her up, but he is still bitter about Hayama-sensei and tells her that she is selfish, only turning to him when she is in need. Since he doesn't help her, Izumi goes to Hayama-senseis flat. He, of course, cares for her, but they soon get into an argument. Izumi feels used by Hayama-sensei, since he still cares for Izumi and implies to have feelings for her, but woudn't commit to anyone. On her way home, she throws the photograph and her old letter into a river.

Weeks later, Hayama-sensei calls Izumi to tell her and Kono-kun that Yuzuko-chan is in the hospital. It's not sure whether she had an accident or whether she committed suicide, but she is in a bad condition. At the hospital, Hayama-sensei tries to coordinate and comforts the visitors. Izumi feels like he forces himself too much. On their way home Izumi finally breaks up with Kono-kun and goes back to the hospital to support Hayama-sensei. She has the feeling that they both need each other. Three days later, Yuzuko dies.

At the funeral, Izumi nearly breaks as she gets confronted by the highschool-teacher that used to bully her in the past. Her best friend gets Hayama-sensei, who defends her like he had done before in school.

Part 4 – Ending  - very severe spoilers!

A few weeks after Yuzukos death, Izumi gets a call from Hayama-sensei – he is in the hospital, too. He is not in a critical condition, but he has to stay there a few nights. He didn't know who to call other than Izumi. She agrees to help him, gets some clothes from his flat for him and visits him every day. On the day before his discharge, Hayama-sensei tells her that after Yuzuko-chans death, he finally had had the strength to visit his wife in Hokkaido. She has decided to come back to Tokyo to start living with him again. He also apllied to change schools. Izumi is sincerly happy for him.

Hayama-sensei asks if he could do anything for Izumi to thank her. Izumi than asks him if she could spend one night with him. Although she immediately apologizes and regrets her request, Hayama-sensei accepts.

The day he gets discharged they both go home to his apartment. Izumi thinks about retracting, but they soon start making out and eventually have sex. As they are lying in bed, they both confess their love to each other. Hayama-sensei tells her that he really wanted to live with her. Izumi begs Hayama-sensei to move away, and not to tell her his new contact details or school. He agrees, but expresses his wishes for Izumi to live safe and happy life.

They spend the next day together at home cuddling and watching their favorite movie and agree to part the next day. Hayama-sensei makes Izumi a present: he gives her an antique pocketwatch that is important to him. Izumi presents him with an expensive pen she had bought as a souvenir in Germany.

They part at the train station and the narrator, which is Izumi herself states that „this had been the last time I had met Hayama-sensei.“

Part 5 – Epilogue (very very severe spoilers, duh)

Izumi still thinks a lot about Hayama-sensei and it's hard for her to overcome her grief and despair of losing him. She eventually graduates university and finds a job. There, she gets to know an employee better and ends up dating him. Ironically, he becomes aware of Izumi because of the pocketwatch she always carries around. She tells him her story and soon, they get engaged.

One night at a film-festival, Izumi meets an old friend of Hayama-sensei. He tells her that he had met him coincidentally a few weeks before. He seems to be doing well with his wife. The friend than asks Izumi whether she and Hayama-sensei had been dating before. Izumi is puzzled, but then the friend explains to her how he came to this deduction: When the two of them had been alone, Hayama-sensei had shown him an old photograph, which he always keeps closed by: the photo of Izumi and himself at graduation. The friend figured that Hayama-sensei must love Izumi very much, even know. The epilogue ends with Izumi crying in public, as she realizes that she will never be able to forget Hayama-sensei and that she may never love a man as much as she loves him.

Review/Personal thoughts

There is so much to say, but I try to make this short.

I was very moved by this novel, partly because I could relate a lot to the main character. There were some dry parts in the middle, but the last few pages were really intense. I cried a lot, especially during the ending and the epilogue. The story really depicts the painful aspects and love, but also how much we can be saved by it. I also think that Jun and Kasumi will fit the characters well.

I was surprised about how the love between Izumi and Hayama-sensei was described. Upon hearing about the movies plot for the first time, there were a lot of people picturing a very sexual relationship, but in my opinion this love is depicted as a more platonic love. Until the sex-scene at the end (which admittedly was described in much detail), they barely even touched. Even in the novel itself, people tell Izumi that she is just having a teenage-crush on a teacher, or that she was just sexually attracted to him. But in the end, her love and bond to Hayama-sensei is more..

The two characters have a good chemistry, and they can't even understand themselves why they are attracted to each other this much. They know that they need each other, that they love each other, but they also can't be together. I liked that the book wasn't going for the 'forbidden love' trope though.  

The ending scene is also bilateral. Izumi cried because she was sad about having lost her soul-mate, but she was also happy about him being well, and because he hadn't forgotten about her.

In the end, Izumi manages to become happy with another man, which shows that yes, people can move on. But it is also implied that she will never be able to forget, and that she may never love another man as much as Hayama-sensei. And that itself shows how unconditional and cruel love can be.

Apart from the romance there was another theme of the novel that got to me: how people reach out to others (or not). Both Izumi and the side character Yuzuko have suffered, but both are not capable of reaching out to others. They keep everything inside and try to appear normal in front of their family and friends. In Izumis case she was lucky enough to have found someone who realized that part of her character, and who cared and reached out to her. Through Hayama-sensei Izumi learned to share some of her pain, sorrows and sadness. Yuzuko-chan, on the other hand, tried to reach out to her friend/love interest, but he didn't act according to it. Throughout the story, several characters and the reader understand that there is something troubling Yuzuko, but nobody manages to reach her. The novel also depicts how devastating one can feel when they are unable to help someone dear to them.

About the controversy of Jun playing Hayama-sensei

I think most of the negativity exists because people just know that he plays a teacher that has some kind of sexual relation with his student. And while I understand that this is morally questionable, I still think it's a good thing that Arashi can act as morally grey characters (just like Sho did in "Kazoku Game"). Also it is to mention that Hayama-sensei has no sexual relations with a student, but that Izumi has already graduated (if that makes it better somehow). Apart from this controversy, for me Hayama-sensei is portrayed as a complex, but fundamentally good person. He has a strong sense of responsibility and even tries to keep away from Izumi to protect her at some point. So all in all I get why there is fuzz about his role, but I don't think it is justified.

I could go on but I don't want to write anymore so I'll end this for now ;P Thanks for reading! I'm really excited for the movie!

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #379

“sometimes i fear the worst in me, is the best you’ll ever know��

Have you ever been in weather below 0 Fahrenheit (-17 Celsius)? No. Have you ever been caught outdoors away from shelter during a thunderstorm? Yeah. Most notably, the only concert I've ever been to was outside during a thunderstorm, haha. Made it more badass. What’s your favorite macaron flavor? Never had one. How often do you have friends over to your house? Never. Have you ever had a boss who acted unprofessionally? No. Not that I really ever had a job long enough to notice. How many times have you stayed at a hotel in the past year, and where? We never stayed overnight anywhere, we just visited one once to see my dying grandmother for the last time. Have you ever done a flip on a trampoline? I used to do front flips, but I was too scared to do a back flip in case I landed on my neck and broke it. What about a flip off of a diving board? No. Are you embarrassed by your school yearbook photos? They all sucked. Who taught you to tie your shoelaces? Dad did the "wrong" way, which I understood first, so Mom was insistent on teaching me the "proper" way, I think because she thought the knot was tighter and therefore safer. Currently how many pictures are on your cellphone? Not a lot, but I don't feel like counting. Do you think dimples are cute? Yep. Would you rather chew fruity or minty gum? It really depends on what I'm feeling. The last time you went to the mall, who did you go with? My mom and older sister. What’s something you used to collect when you were younger? Stickers. Have you watched a movie today? No. Aside from your own, whose house did you last set foot into? My sister's. Do you love soft pretzels? Oh hell yes. Cinnamon and sugar are THE best. Who was the last person who cried around you? Why did they start crying? Was it unexpected? My mom, because the dog is stressing her the fuck out. I saw it coming eventually. Are you more likely to like someone before you really know them, or do you feel you like them more after you know a lot about them? When it comes to really liking someone, I like to know them well. That way, I'm more confident in knowing me liking them is justified. Do you buy people cards on special occasions, or do you prefer to make your own? I admittedly don't do either currently, but I'd buy cards if I had an income. When was the last time you were being hypocritical? I don't know, but I know I can be without realizing just like everyone else. Where on your body was the last cramp you had? Why did you have this cramp? I almost exclusively cramp up in my lower left abdomen when I have my period. What is the weirdest name you’ve ever heard? One of my classmates in college was named Apple. Do you get embarrassed when people hear you sing/compliment you on your singing ability? If so, why is that? I get more shy than anything. I don't know why, I just do. Are you good at comforting people when they’re upset? I hope so. I sure try to be. Do you have any exercises you do everyday? No. .-. Do you own one of those singing fish? Do you think they are silly or funny? I don't, but I think they're pretty funny, mostly though because I just remember that video of one glitching horribly where it would get stuck and "sing" all slow and demonic, then it would snap back to normal. I love that video too much lmao. Has anyone ever accused you of being bipolar or any other mental disorder? Do you really have any mental disorders? "Accused" is the wrong word, I've just been professionally diagnosed. I have a lot of disorders. Did you buy the last thing you bought with your own money? If not, whose money did you buy it with? I paid for my tattoo. Do you like to put your feet up on the dashboards of cars? Do you parents yell at you if you do that in cars? I never do, never have, and never would. That shit would FUCK you up in a wreck. Don't take car safety lightly. Which Beatle is your favorite, or do you love them all equally? I don’t have a favorite, given I know none of them personally at all. Do you enjoy classic rock? If so, who are some of your favorite classic rock artists? Well duh. I love a hell of a lot, don't make me dig through my head to ensure I leave no one out, lol. Did you ever own a Tamagotchi? Yes. Are you more of a dog or cat person? Cat person. I see that more and more and more as time goes on. Dogs tend to just have too much energy for me. Not all, of course, but still. Have you ever failed math? I did in college. Skittles! What's your favorite color? Red. Have you ever had a dream of stabbing someone? I don't think so. But who the fuck knows with how fucked up my nightmares are. What would you want your last words to be if you could choose them? Just that I love my family. Can you sleep with the light on? It's possible for me to, but it's difficult. What’s the most bizarre horror movie you’ve ever seen? Hm, I dunno. What band can’t you stand listening to? I absolutely hate The Talking Heads. Would you ever take a lie detector test for your significant other? No, for two reasons: I don't believe they're accurate, and two, I'd be having an anxiety attack over whether or not my nerves would "show" something. What is your favorite Mystery/Crime/FBI related show? Uhhhh does Sherlock count? Jason and I used to watch that and I loved it. Would you ever have a bird as a pet? I think parrots specifically are super fascinating, but I wouldn't. I don't want any potentially noisy pets. How's your relationship between you and your grandparents? They're all dead. The only grandparent I really knew well was my maternal grandmother, and we had... a lot of differences. I don't think she liked me much, and she was WAY too old-fashioned, uptight, and mean to my mom for me to get along well with her. Ever had a forbidden love or lover? No. Have you ever had to speak at a funeral? No. Do you know someone who’s been cremated? Maybe? What is your current problem? I had a fucking dream that was stupid detailed that Jason and I got married and so today has been shit. I love motherfucking PTSD. Do you like canopy beds? Yeah, I wish I had one. What is your favorite animated movie? The Lion King. Would you rather live in a small town or a big city? Neither, really... I want to live in the woods/some area relatively isolated, but with just a few neighbors spotted around so I'm not TOTALLY alone. But to entertain the question, I guess I'd pick a small town. If you could summon any animal to come to your rescue, what animal would it be and why? A lion for its strength and speed. Have you ever watched The Golden Girls? I LOVE that show. That shit's got no right to be as funny as it is lmao. Did you ever like the Ninja Turtles? Nah, I never watched it. Last alcoholic drink you had? A REALLY strong margarita that I could barely drink because of the alcohol concentration. What are you known for? Probably liking meerkats way too much. Has anyone ever threatened you? Yes. Have you ever gone frog hunting? No, not exactly. However, whenever my dad and I went catfishing, I would always do a scan of the area for toads. You'd always find 'em. Do you ever suffer from dry skin? My skin, particularly my scalp, is STUPID dry. Gross to picture, but imagine having both a clinically dry scalp as well as dandruff. That's me. Do you still sleep with a stuffed animal? No, Roman would never allow me to cuddle something other than him, haha. What’s the weather like right this moment? It's cloudy out and 59*F. Do you bite on straws, lollipop handles, or ice cream sticks? No, that's always grossed me out. In what type of area was your first sexual encounter? Honestly, I don't remember, though I'm sure you'd assume I would, lol. Probably his bed because we were at his place more than mine, but idr. Where is your mother’s side of the family descended from? My maternal grandmother had German ancestry, while I think her husband's was mostly Irish. What do you occupy your time with on flights? I just listen to my iPod and look out the window. Do you dog-ear pages in books? Yes. What’s a made up word of yours? I don't have any. It's weird, I don't know why, but it's a pet peeve of mine when people just make up words like they actually mean something. Even though isn't that exactly how language came about? I dunno, it's weird. Do you use Q-Tips? Only on the exterior of my ears unless something is really bothering me interiorly. Frequent use of Q-Tips is how I got ear wax literally adhered to my eardrum that required medical attention. It just pushed the stuff further and further back. Ever gone out with somebody you didn’t like? Well, I can't honestly say I was very romantically interested in Tyler, but we still dated for like a week or two. I DID sort of like him in high school my freshman year, but this was SO many years later that it's not fair to say I "knew" him anymore. I kinda just agreed to go out because I felt bad saying no and also just figured that we'd re-familiarize with each other through dates, anyway. What hero or heroine do you most relate to in history, fiction, or song? I have no idea. What makes you dizzy? Just about everything, it seems. I have insanely low blood pressure due to some prescriptions that I HAVE to move slowly, especially when standing up, if I don't want to fall on my face. Are your parents liberal or conservative? I think my dad is more conservative, but Mom is maybe more liberal? I actually don't know. Do you like your teeth? Did you have braces? No, because I went through a span of taking horrible care of them during my worst depression that they now have a conspicuously yellow tint. I had braces before. Are you happy with your height? Sure?