#longer than I expected but that tracks with me as a writer lol

[youngpettyqueen]

Hi!!! You wanted fic requests from that prompt list right?

For the prompts, I think 5 and 65 go well together, so maybe something with those two and Julian/garak, if you want?

YES THANK YOU youre so right those do work really well together... love me some hurt/comfort time to inflict it on these two

“I’m going to take care of you, okay?”

“Look at me—just breathe, okay?”

Julian comes to smelling nothing but smoke and tasting nothing but blood.

He tries to open his eyes. Only one does. The other isn't cooperating- feels like it's glued shut. He finds himself looking out over the floor of the promenade. He's on the floor, then. On his stomach, from the feel of it, one arm caught underneath him.

Smell of smoke. Flickering lights. Everything's bathed in orange light. He can see flames, flickering in the corner of his vision.

Julian squeezes his eye shut again, trying to think. His head's pounding like a drum. He was on the promenade, he remembers that much. And he was... he was sitting. He was having lunch. But try as he might, he can't remember how he got to the floor. One second he was sitting, the next he was here.

The context clues make it easy to figure out. Smoke, fire, the vicious hammering in his skull. There must've been an explosion. Which means he's hurt. Which means a lot of other people are probably hurt. Which means he needs to get up, and get to work.

He starts pushing himself up to do just that, but he doesn't get very far. The arm that's caught under him doesn't want to cooperate, and trying to force the issue makes pain rip through his nerves like fire. He ends up buckling onto his side, gasping painfully. The pain centres at his shoulder, white-hot and stabbing- there's something stuck there, right under his collarbone.

Julian opens his eye again. This time, staring out across the smoking promenade, he can see somebody. He tries to call out, but his voice doesn't come, and the attempt leaves him coughing up a lungful of smoke. This does his injured shoulder no favours, and makes him aware of a deep ache in his ribs. He manages to roll himself onto his back to minimize how much he's jostling himself, bracing his ribs with his good arm, still coughing up ash and grit.

This is bad. This is very, very bad.

"Doctor!"

A voice cuts through the ringing in his ears. A familiar voice, only his head is too scrambled to remember who it belongs to. He looks over, and sees the person he'd spotted hurrying towards him.

"Doctor!" They call again. And he realizes who it is, right as his beautiful face comes into view.

Garak drops to his knees beside him. His eyes are wide with alarm, while Julian can only look up at him and smile weakly. Maybe it's sappy, but seeing Garak makes things feel a little less awful.

"G-Garak..." He manages to get out, sounding and feeling like he's talking around a throat full of sand. He coughs uncomfortably, wincing slightly. Then, he remembers just why he was sitting at lunch, and his weak little smile grows as he throws out the accusation, "You're late."

Garak looks like he's on the verge of three different panic attacks. "Yes, well, how fortunate that I was," He says, his tone and his eyes not at all matching his joking words, "Otherwise I might have been caught in this, and then where would you be?" His eyes keep flicking to Julian's injured shoulder, confirming what he already knows.

Julian manages a weak nod. "There's something in my shoulder." He acknowledges.

"A sizeable piece of metal," Garak supplies him, since Julian can't see it, "And you've got a nasty cut on your forehead."

"I'm concussed," Julian adds, "And I've got some bruised ribs. Can't tell how many. They may be broken. Hard to judge the pain with... you know." He nods weakly to his shoulder.

"Oh, is that all?" Garak asks, his sarcasm sounding genuine, of course, "Any other injuries I should know about, Doctor?"

"I'll let you know if any make themselves known," Julian rasps, "Now, could you be a dear and- and hit my comm badge? I can't really move all that much." He admits.

"There's no point," Garak tells him, "Comms are down. So are transporters. From what I can tell, several bombs have gone off. Here, ops, at least one in the habitat ring, and maybe one in the infirmary," He gives Julian a grim look, "We seem to be in quite the dire situation, Doctor." He observes.

Julian huffs something that might be a laugh. "I'd noticed," He puffs out, "So, just you and me, then. Tell me, Mr. Garak..." He hopes his nerves aren't showing as he asks, "How are your medical skills?"

Garak's expression gives nothing away. "Subpar, compared to yours," He replies, "Though I suspect we have no other choice."

"None at all," Julian agrees, "Either you stop all this bleeding I'm currently doing, or I'm going to be in... quite a bit of trouble." He's already lightheaded. He hopes that's just the concussion.

"Alright," Garak nods, "Alright, yes. Yes. Stop the bleeding," He nods again, and leans back to start tearing at his tunic, "I can certainly do that." He continues, sounding like he's talking to himself more than he's talking to Julian.

Julian manages to raise a brow at him. "Garak."

"Yes, Doctor?" Garak doesn't look up.

"Try to sound a bit more confident," Julian suggests, "Makes patients feel... at ease."

Despite everything, Garak still manages to give him an unimpressed look as he tears a sizeable chunk of fabric away from his tunic. "I'll keep that in mind," He replies flatly, shifting in closer. His expression softens as his eyes return to what Julian is sure must be a grisly wound, "Now, I'm going to take care of you, ok? And I need you to advise me on the best way to do that."

Julian nods. "Of course," He agrees, "My shoulder needs immediate attention. You have to stop the bleeding there, but don't... don't remove the piece of metal," He advises, "Sort of... wrap that fabric around it, and press down on the wound. Try not to move the metal," He adds, "It might make the bleeding worse."

Garak listens intently, eyeing his task up. "Seems simple enough," He says. Then, with an almost... sympathetic look to Julian, he tells him, "I will have to hold you down, Doctor."

"I know," Julian replies, "It's going to hurt. I'm probably going to scream bloody murder." He warns him.

"You know I'd never want to hurt you." Garak adds.

Julian manages a faint smile. "If the choice comes down to you hurting me, or me bleeding to death, I hope you don't mind if I'd much rather have you hurt me." He murmurs.

Garak takes a breath. "Very well," He says, "Brace yourself, my dear." He shifts himself into position, placing himself in such a way that he can hold Julian down against the floor as he gets his makeshift bandage ready.

Julian gets to take half a bracing breath before the pain spikes. Garak moves in quickly, clamping down on the wound with both hands, and it feels like someone's set his shoulder ablaze. Julian screams like he's just been shot, instinctively trying to jerk away, but Garak doesn't let up on him. He's trapped, pinned down, and thank god for that, but he can't help but howl again as the piece of metal buried in his shoulder jostles with the movement.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry-" Garak gasps, continuing to hold him down and keeping steady pressure on the wound. It feels like he's also holding onto the metal, keeping it still as best he can, "Look at- look at me, Doctor, look at me- just breathe, yes?" He tries, with a smile that is not at all convincing, "Just breathe. Try to breathe."

Julian manages to still himself, gasping shallowly and painfully, black spots dancing in his vision. "I have damaged ribs!" He manages to hiss out, "This is the best I can do!"

"I'm not exactly a trained professional!" Garak reminds him, voice pitched with anxiety, "I'm just saying what you always seem to say to your patients! What else would you have me say?" He demands.

"Just- just distract me," Julian gets out between gasps, "Tell me a story. True, false, doesn't- doesn't matter, just- just anything, Elim, please-" He begs. He's tempted to ask him to bash his head off the floor and knock him out, but he doesn't think that would help Garak's current state. He can feel his hands trembling against him.

Garak's eyes search his face, the panic in them clear and unguarded. And then, almost hysterically, he asks, "Did you know one of my first jobs was as a server?"

The absurdity of that question almost makes Julian forget about his current agony. Almost. "What?"

"Yes, I was a server," Garak continues, looking and sounding like he's flying by the seat of his pants, "A waiter, as you Humans might say. It was a fine dining establishment, only for the highest of high classes. Have I truly never mentioned this?"

"Never," Julian gasps, "Do- do go on."

"Oh, gladly," Garak takes one hand away from the wound in his shoulder, and reaches over to gently brush some of Julian's hair away from his forehead- looking at his head wound, "I served some very high profile individuals, including one you're all too familiar with," He starts gingerly probing around where the wound must be, and Julian grinds his teeth as he presses on bruising, "You remember our good friend, Gul Dukat."

"I wish I didn't." Julian growls, more out of pain than anything else.

Garak manages a chuckle at that. "How rude, my dear. I seem to be rubbing off on you," He observes, "But yes, I would serve our dear Dukat often. The man can't hold his liquor," He tells him, "It's rather embarrassing, actually. One time, he..."

And Garak continues to ramble, concocting a story out of thin air that holds absolutely no truth. Still, Julian hangs onto every word, clinging to them as he desperately clings to consciousness. Garak's hand finds its way into his good one, holding tight, and it stays there until help finally finds them.

[transrightsyamaguchi]

blue lock fic rec list #1 (?)

i always liked when people made long masterlists of fic recs but i haven't seen anyone do it for blue lock yet. at least not recently. so in the spirit of Be The Change You Want To See In The World here's my list.

not in any particular order just going through my bookmarks lol.

sound of breaking down. chigiri-centric, 4k words, rated T.

“Is he dead?” “No, of course not.” A pause. “I hope not.” “Yo, Princess, are you alive in there?” The door rattles. OR Determined to prove himself, Chigiri disregards his health and deals with consequences. None of it is pretty. Set during the neo-Egoist league arc. it's a sickfic. it's a really good sickfic. it hits all the beats i like my sickfics to hit and then some. it's a genfic which is a major bonus. no romantic subplot just chigiri being vulnerable and getting taken care of. there's some sweet moments between him and chris prince that made me melt inside.

2. the rituals are intricate, bro. karasu/otoya, 2k words, rated E.

Otoya offers to groom the homie's wings. Things escalate in ways he did not expect. this is by one of my beloved mutuals but i'd still be recommending it even if it wasn't. great title. there's an "it's not gay with socks on" joke in there. there's the ever-present Otoya Eita Sexuality Crisis. the porn is less sexy and more funny (as tabieita deserves).

3. six facts about lobsters. bachira/isagi, 4k words, rated T.

What it says on the tin. (In fine print: six facts about you.) can't remember if ghost is on tumblr or not but this is another mutual fic. it's a take on the 5+1 format, tracking the bachisagi relationship through lobster facts. isagi's autism radiates through the text. it's so cute and so sweet and so very bachisagi essence. as expected of ao3 user smallghosts (<- the bachisagi essence writer)

4. counting crows on the windowsill. kaiser/ness, 18k words, rated M.

“How much,” you ask, “would you let me do to you?” The feeling of vibration on your fingers comes again, and he is thinking, or perhaps toying with you even more. Your grip tightens on his skin, and Alexis twitches slightly in the grasp. More than once have people told you to learn some patience. “You already know my answer.” “Doesn’t mean I don’t like hearing it in your own words.” Inhale, exhale, and they all fall onto your skin. There is a chill in the room—it is rising up your arms, your neck—but the whole of you is hot. “If it’s you, I’d let you do anything.” Seven snapshots of life through the eyes of Michael Kaiser. this is a longer one but if you have time and you want to feel some Emotions read this one. nskins contain such multitudes and this author understands them so well.

5. shidou-ctionary. shidou/sae, 4k words, rated T.

Contemporary linguists agree that achieving proficiency in a new language requires between six months and four years of study. Itoshi Sae knows better. He has anecdotal evidence to suggest that a person can become fluent in a new language in as little as one week. A week of Shidou Ryuusei's attempts to ask Itoshi Sae on a date: a story in emojis. yet another mutual fic. i can't help it that my mutuals are all extremely talented and correct about everything. it's got some experimental formatting going on and (in my opinion) it looks best on desktop. ft. shidou being shidou and sae being smitten (in the emotionally constipated way that sae is smitten with shidou)

6. puppy love. kurona/kiyora, 9k words, rated G.

Jin doesn’t fight the small smile forming on his face. It’s been a long time since he meshed well with anyone. People tend to avoid him; he avoids them in turn. He stopped caring (or so he had told himself), but he doesn’t hate the weight around his shoulders—doesn’t mind it at all, really. He wraps his hand around Ranze’s wrist, and he laughs along with him. Kiyora Jin has a number of problems. A growing crush on Kurona Ranze is not supposed to be one of them. this was the inaugural fic in the ranjin tag and. not to pat myself on the back or anything. but i beta-read it hehe. another mutual fic. kiyora jin character study before kiyora jin was even a character, with an adorable little romantic subplot. somewhat negated by the Recent Developments in canon but it's still good!!

7. pink light. shidou/sae, 19k words, rated E.

Fifteen years ago, Shidou took a pass from Sae that shattered his knee and ended his career, and Sae hasn't been able to speak to him since - and Sae wants it to stay that way. Deserves for it to stay that way. Unfortunately, the world has other plans for him, courtesy of a little art studio a five minute walk from his new post-retirement apartment. this is not a mutual fic but i'm trying to change that. it's post-canon ryusae ft. cane user shidou (!!) and emotionally constipated sae learning how to live without soccer. not quite old man yaoi but it has the spirit of it.

8. year one. snuffy & lorenzo centric, 3k words, rated T.

"When's your birthday?" Snuffy asks him carefully, moving on to the next field. "Today," Don answers immediately. "Really?" Snuffy looks at him suspiciously. "No," Don replies without hesitation, turning back to a poster describing professional tooth brushing. Snuffy tries not to look at the tense faces of the receptionist and the surgeon peering out of the room. Snuffy's first year of parenthood. what is it about snuffy & lorenzo fics that just hit so different. i swear everyone who writes for them is a genius. this fic is short snapshots of snuffy and lorenzo navigating their newly-formed parent-child relationship and it's heartwrenching and heartwarming and poignant. this writer has a few snuffy & lorenzo fics and they're all wonderful. (she's also on tumblr and writes in-depth lorenzo meta so you Know she understands him)

9. pov: you just want the world to be quiet. itoshi brothers, 4k words, rated T.

his big brother and football have become the only hope to which rin can cling to dream of better days. without them, he only and just remains that little six-year-old boy destroyed by the senseless atrocities of evil hands. hesitated to include this one because the tags are scary but fuck it we ball i do what i want. it's a rewrite of rin's backstory with a darker spin on it and it follows rin and sae's relationship through that lens. as par for the course with pre-canon itoshi studies, it does not end happily. it's incredibly well-done and it will give you Feelings. (this is one of those cases where the author drops a life-changing bombshell of a fic on you and then you go to their profile and there's no bio. there's no public bookmarks. this is their only blue lock fic. they haven't posted anything in a year. who are they)

10. peak male living space. kunigami/chigiri, 3k words, rated E.

Raichi and Kunigami had met at university; playing on the football team, sharing many lectures, and living through the shitshow that was university halls together. It seemed only natural that they’d move in together, and it had been great for the past few of years… Until Kunigami’s new boyfriend asked why he never invited him over to his place, and he was forced to deal with the realisation that he and Raichi have the most boyish disaster of a flat. part of a series but it can stand alone. t4t kunigiri smut. kunigami and raichi are disaster roommates and bachisagi play wingmen. lionel messi makes a cameo in the form of a cardboard cutout. all the kunigiri fics in this series are good but this fic in particular is just so funny.

if you notice any ships or characters Conspicuously Absent it's because they were positively dominating this list at first so i'm planning to make a separate list for only them hehe

there are many more fics that made my soul ascend from my body so i might make another of these

[helloalycia]

𝐓𝐇𝐄 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑'𝐒 𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐄𝐑 [𝐎𝐍𝐄] — 𝐂𝐎𝐌𝐌𝐀𝐍𝐃𝐄𝐑 𝐋𝐄𝐗𝐀

two / masterlist / wattpad

summary: after befriending one of the Natblidas, you don't expect for her to become as important in your life as she is. But she's only on track to becoming Commander, so your feelings can never come first.

warning/s: usual warnings that come with the 100 such as mentions of violence and injuries etc.

author's note: okay so i've literally had writer's block for what feels like forever and this was requested a while ago. I've finally finished it (though i'm not content with the ending and couldn't for the life of me think of an alternative lol). Nonetheless, I hope you like it! It'll have two parts in total :)

also if anyone thinks Lexa is ooc, this is just how i imagine her to be growing up and pre-Costia okay, sue me

6 years old...

I followed my father as we approached the Tower in the centre of Polis. Apparently it was where the Commander lived, at least that's what everyone said, but I'd never actually seen him before. He was always protecting Polis, fighting enemy clans, hunting and other Commander-stuff – my dad said so – which was why he was hardly out in public.

For whatever reason, he was more of a figment of my imagination than an actual leader, but I'd never admit that aloud. Despite this, I always found his home – the Tower – very impressive, and whenever I'd accompany my father on visits, I'd be forever fascinated. My father was an apothecary and regularly made deliveries to the Commander's personal healer in the Tower, and so he always brought me with him.

I followed him through the winding corridors and past some guards dotted around and then we reached the healer's room on the ground floor. As usual, I was told to wait outside whilst business was conducted, but this time it took longer than usual. I heard laughter from inside the healer's room and figured my father and the healer were having a nice catch up which, from experience, would take forever.

Naturally, I wandered off momentarily, down the familiar hallway and peeking through open doors. My eyes drew to a particular room that was filled with a dozen or so young children, near enough my age though some a little older, and I knew who they were instantly.

The Natblidas.

I'd seen them around before on previous visits and also heard a lot about them from others in the city. They were black-blooded and able to take the Flame that the Commander had. Only those with black blood could be a Natblida and next in line for the throne once the Commander passed. They were scouted constantly, brought in from all different clans, trained to fight in Polis and eventually fight in a Conclave once the Commander was dead. The last one standing would lead next.

It was a difficult concept to grasp, especially so young, but I knew enough to know it was important. I didn't know any of the Natblidas personally, but whenever I saw them, I was always intrigued.

"What are you looking at?"

I jumped, startled at the voice from behind me. Turning around, I was ready to defend myself in case I was about to get in trouble, but all my words betrayed me once my eyes landed on the young girl before me, no older than I was. She was a little taller than me, had long curly brown hair and the brightest green eyes I'd ever seen. I wasn't sure what was so different about her to other kids I'd met, but I was certain she was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen in my little life.

"Hello? Do you understand me?" she asked in fluent Trigedasleng, quirking a brow.

"I– yes," I answered quickly, acutely aware of the butterflies in my stomach. Though, at the time, I'd never experienced butterflies so I wasn't sure why I felt like I was floating. "Sorry. I was just waiting for my father. He delivers medicine to the healer."

She crossed her arms, eyes looking me up and down with an air of maturity that other kids in the city didn't possess. "What's your name?"

"Y/N. What's yours?"

Her eyes met mine again, though this time her shoulders relaxed. "Lexa."

I smiled a little, offering out my forearm as I'd seen my father do whenever greeting others. "It's nice to meet you, Lexa."

She did the same, gripping mine and shaking it slightly. "You too, Y/N."

"Are you a Natblida?" I asked curiously.

She nodded.

"Wow," I muttered without meaning to, and then a small smile graced her lips and the butterflies only intensified.

"I have to get back to class," she said with a hint of amusement. "Will you come back? Next time? With your father?"

I nodded a little too quickly. "I always do."

She pressed her lips together, nodding, before moving past me to return to her class. But not before glancing at me once more, saying, "Goodbye, Y/N. See you next time."

I stupidly gaped at her, managing to wiggle my fingers in a goodbye wave, before catching the sparkle in her eye as she closed the door behind her.

I suppose you could say that was where both my friendship and crush on Lexa truly began.

It was from that point onwards where I would see her almost every time I visited the Tower with my father, which was, at most, a couple of days a week. Between finding moments to chat whilst my dad did his job or watching her train with the other Natblidas, it was safe to say my crush, and our friendship, blossomed with time.

I learnt about her experience as a Natblida, including how she'd been there the longest of all the other kids because she'd been brought to Polis as a two-year-old and had been training since. It explained why she was so mature for her age and why she took her role as a Natblida with the utmost seriousness. Nonetheless, she was still a kid like me, and that was why it was so easy to befriend one another.

She asked me tons of questions about my life, since our day-to-day responsibilities differed so much. Her days were filled with training, learning and shadowing warriors, whereas mine were filled with shadowing my father, learning about medicine and exploring all there was to know about the human body. I wanted to be a healer when I was older and so my dad was preparing me for that all he could.

It was easy enough to become closer to Lexa, so much that she began sneaking out to spend more time with me outside of her Natblida responsibilities. It was easy enough since she was practically a top student, so nobody ever suspected a thing.

And that was how we became best friends.

—

8 years old...

"You should let me train you more."

I scoffed and pushed Lexa off me with my sword, making her laugh as she backed up. She had the afternoon free from her Natblida responsibilities, so we were training together in the woods so she could get the extra practice in but also spend time with me.

"I'm not the one training to be Heda, so I think I'll stick to medicine," I retorted knowingly.

She rolled her eyes playfully before getting into a stance with her sword once more.

"This isn't fun for me, y'know," I reminded her as I, too, got into a stance. "Can't we go swimming now?"

She swung her sword just as I finished my sentence and I was quick to raise my own, otherwise my face would have been sliced in half.

"Soon," she got out between swings.

I struggled to keep up with her, not as accustomed to sword fighting as she was. Sometimes it was easy to forget this was all she knew, and our ideas of spending time together were very different.

She swung her sword with force, knocking mine from my grasp. I watched it clatter to the ground before hers found the tip of my chin with satisfaction.

"Not fair," I grumbled, and her grin was staring across from me, mischievous glint matching the glint of her sword.

"It's too easy," she said between a chuckle, before lowering her sword.

I feigned annoyance as I went to grab my sword, picking it up from the mud it landed in. This gave me an idea and I began to smile to myself as I grabbed my sword, as well as dipping the tips of my fingers in the mud.

"Your fighting is very good, Lexa," I complimented her, standing up and approaching her. "But you have to be fierce if you're to be Heda. Didn't you know that?"

She furrowed her brows, almost offended. "I am fierce!"

"I think some face paint would help," I said nonchalantly, using her momentary confusion as opportunity to swipe my mud-covered fingers across her cheek with a grin.

She squealed as she stepped back, eyes scrunching shut. I laughed at her expression as she wiped her cheek subconsciously, only spreading the mud further across her cheekbone.

"There," I spoke with pride. "Perfect."

Her bright eyes met mine competitively, an attempt to intimidate me, but I knew her long enough to find it anything but. Soon enough, her pursed lips curved into a smile and she was laughing alongside me.

"I suppose I deserved that," she admitted, shaking her head.

"You could actually wear some war paint though," I said after studying her face a little longer, both from genuine awe at how pretty she looked, even after training, and pure curiosity. "It suits you."

Thinking I was teasing, she shoved me back slightly, and I chuckled at the pink dusting her cheeks.

Looking back, it was how we discovered she actually did suit war paint, and it did indeed make her look more fierce. I was touched when I saw her wear it properly from then on out.

—

12 years old...

"Lexa, slow down!" I exclaimed, hands gripping her waist tightly.

Her laughter rang through the trees as she continued to ride her horse quickly, galloping through the forest and back to Polis. We had gone on a horse ride and picnic for lunch, or more of a late afternoon snack since it was the only time she could sneak off, but she always purposely rode fast, knowing it made me nauseous and dizzy.

Eventually she slowed down as we approached the edge of the city, coming to a halt by the west entrance. As soon as we stopped, I let go of her and slipped off the horse dizzily, leaning against a tree for support.

"I hate you," I mumbled, trying to steady myself.

"No you don't," she said between laughter, jumping off her horse and holding the reins.

I glared at her, half joking, before taking a deep breath. Once I was sure I wouldn't vomit, I straightened up, ready to walk the rest of the way.

"C'mon," she said, voice void of teasing and a gentle smile on her lips as she held out her hand.

I sighed but accepted her hand, letting her pull me to her side as we walked together. It was quiet as we walked through the city, though steadily getting busier as we approached the centre. As we walked, I remembered I wanted to share something with Lexa. It was actually the whole reason I wanted to hang out with her today, but the day got away from me and I completely forgot to mention it.

"So, I have some good news to share," I said, glancing over at her.

She quirked a brow, intrigued, returning my stare.

"My father set me up with a volunteer position," I started, pocketing my hands.

"Wow, really?" she asked excitedly, stopping to give me her full attention. "Where?"

I smiled a little, appreciative of her genuine interest. She knew I was trying to get some sort of official volunteering work from a skilled healer so I could learn.

"Well, you know how he delivers to the Commander's healer regularly?" I hinted playfully.

Her eyes widened slightly. "Really? You're going to be working with the Commander's personal healer?"

My smile widened as I nodded bashfully. "Yeah. It's only temporary, but–"

"Y/N, that's amazing!" she cut me off with a bright smile, before pulling me in for a hug. "I'm so proud of you!"

My whole face grew warm as she hugged me, not expecting it at all. It was safe to say I still had a huge crush on her, but I was too afraid to say anything, so it was little moments like these that I'd cling to with delusion.

"Who knows? Maybe when I become Commander, you can be my personal healer," she said once she pulled away, emerald eyes meeting mine with amazement.

I chuckled, shaking my head at her overexcitement. "You'd be sick of me by then, Lexa."

She glared at me playfully, shoving me in the shoulder. "Never."

I sighed, rolling my eyes with a ghost of a smile on my lips. Secretly, I hoped we'd stay in each other's lives forever. But neither of us knew what the future held, even if we liked to plan it out anyway. 

—

14 years old...

The volunteering job I took with the Commander's personal healer turned out to be more permanent than I thought, as even two years on, I was still working with him and learning more than I ever could have learned anywhere else.

Doing so meant I was at the Tower every day, learning about different medicines, which thankfully I knew a lot about already because of my father, and first aid. I was learning stuff my father couldn't teach me, like cutting out an infection or cauterising a wound. And those were just the little things.

Being at the Tower so often also meant I saw Lexa more and more, without having to find time around her busy schedule. Of course, it was quite literally that – seeing each other and that was it. She was still training as a Natblida and I was still working as a volunteer, but catching a glimpse of her smile every now and then was enough to leave me on cloud nine for the rest of the day.

Of course, as Lexa's cohort grew older, it meant the pressures were getting stronger, and it was certainly having its effect. The last place I expected to see Lexa one afternoon was knocking on the door to the healer's room.

"Lexa," Nyko, the Commander's healer, noticed her first. "Is everything okay?"

Lexa avoided his eyes shamefully as she stepped inside. "Yes. Well– no. I was out hunting and a wild dog bit my arm..."

Only when she said that did my eyes lower to her forearm that she was clutching, black blood staining her sleeve.

"Come in, come in!" Nyko encouraged, before giving me a look that I knew all too well. "Y/N, will you…?"

I was already making a move to clear a space on the bed for her, though this time I was more concerned than usual for our newest patient. In my two years since volunteering, Lexa had never needed to visit. She rarely got injured and when she did, it was never anything serious.

She took a seat on the bed, stretching out her arm on the table next to her for Nyko to take a better look at. I stood beside him, though my eyes were trained on her. She was avoiding my gaze, distracted and seemingly unbothered by her wound. This was very unlike her and I had a million questions on the tip of my tongue.

"I'm sorry, dear, but I'll have to cut your sleeve," Nyko said gently, to which she barely shrugged in response.

My attention fell back to her arm, where Nyko was uncovering her wound with some scissors to her sleeve. It was a nasty bite with sharp, deep teeth marks and a black bloody mess left in its wake.

As usual, Nyko began to explain what he was doing as he did it, cleaning the blood and disinfecting the wound, which elicited a soft groan from Lexa. Then he began to spread an ointment over the top to stop any bacteria infecting the area further before holding out some bandages towards me.

"Think you can wrap her up?" he asked.

I nodded, accepting the bandages and trading places with him. Carefully, I wrapped her wound and taped it off, glancing at her as I did. She still wouldn't look my way and it concerned me.

"Looks good, Y/N," Nyko complimented, patting me on the back, before glancing at Lexa and noticing her distracted self too. "I'll be back. Need some more water. You okay here?"

It was obvious what he was doing, knowing a little of our friendship, and I appreciated it massively. Nodding his way, he offered me a small smile before leaving the room.

"Lexa," I said softly, squeezing her hand gently to earn her attention. "What happened?"

She sighed. "I told you. Dog bite."

"I know that, but... how?"

She shrugged, letting go of my hand and swinging her legs over the side of the bed. "I was a little distracted I guess."

I frowned, taking in her expression. She looked more tired than usual, her eyes darkened with fatigue.

"You can talk to me," I reminded her. "It's me."

She licked her lips thoughtfully before finally lifting her gaze to meet mine. She stared for a moment, as if debating whether to share how she was feeling, before saying, "Anya asked me to be her second."

Unsure if I'd heard correctly, it took me a second longer to respond. "What? She– what? Lexa, that's– that's great! Isn't it?"

Anya was one of the Commander's most esteemed warriors, having risen through the ranks so quickly at such a young age. For her to recognise Lexa's talent and ask to be her mentor was huge! So, what was the problem?

Lexa creased her brows as she looked down to her hands, one of which was already picking at her bandage subconsciously. I placed my hand on hers, stopping her, and she paused but didn't look up.

"What if I'm not good enough?" she said in such a quiet voice that it didn't sound like it belonged to her.

I raised my brows with disbelief. Lexa was never one to doubt herself, ever. She had no need to! But it made sense why she was so distracted lately. She'd clearly been putting a lot of pressure on herself.

"You're kidding, right?" I asked.

She gave me a disapproving look, upset.

"Lexa," I spoke truthfully, resting a hand on her shoulder. "You're seriously one of the most talented Natblidas there are. Clearly Anya recognises as much if she asked you to be her second."

"I know, but–"

"It's not a test," I told her, eyes flickering between hers. "She wants to make you better. To teach you all she can so you can go on to win Conclave when the time comes. You want that, don't you?"

She nodded weakly.

"Then you're going be okay," I reassured her. "You're more than good enough and she should be lucky to have you."

Lexa swallowed thickly, still uncertain. "Aren't you biased?"

I couldn't help but laugh a little. "Probably. But I also know that everybody sees how amazing of a warrior you are. You're seriously talented. You're intelligent. You're everything the future Commander needs to be. You shouldn't doubt yourself."

She blinked, eyes softening at my words, and I knew I'd said the right thing. Standing up, she wrapped her arms around my shoulders and hugged me tight, tucking her head into my shoulder. I smiled slightly, returning the hug and rubbing her back.

"Thank you," she muttered, not quite breaking away just yet.

"I mean it," I replied, holding her for as long as she wanted me to.

After a moment, she pulled apart, though her hands lingered on my shoulders for a moment, and mine on her waist. My eyes naturally fell to hers, enamoured by the flecks of gold in her irises, and then I started to admire how beautiful she looked, how she was growing into her features more and more every day. For the first time since knowing her, I really wanted to know what it would be like to kiss her, and that's when I knew I was in too deep.

She had the weight of her world on her shoulders, and the responsibilities of a Natblida weren't light. The last thing she needed was her friendship in ruins because I couldn't keep my thoughts to myself.

"Now, please get some rest and pay attention on your hunts," I said with an awkward smile, taking a subtle step back to distract myself from thoughts of her. "You worried me with this injury of yours."

She cracked a smile, looking down shyly, only intensifying the butterflies in my stomach. "I will. Sorry."

She was my best friend, nothing more. I had to keep telling myself that, that was all.

—

16 years old...

The day that nobody expected had finally arrived. It was a day like any other, myself working with Nyko in the Tower – I was officially in his employ as of last year – when word spread about the Commander's passing.

He'd died in his sleep last night, succumbing to wounds from a battle with Azgeda that took place days ago. It was shocking, since Nyko and I had done all we could and genuinely believed he'd pull through, but his body wasn't as young as it used to be so it only made sense.

His death meant Conclave had to take place immediately, the following morning, and the first person who came to mind was Lexa. I wanted to go see her as soon as I could, but there was no time because of all the preparations that were taking place. All the Natblidas were off limits until the morning, so I couldn't stop by until then.

I thought I'd missed my chance when I slept in and realised the first fight was to take place within the hour. Relief spread through me when I spotted Lexa following some other Natblidas down the hall in the Tower, no doubt to join the rest of them on the battle grounds. I wasn't too late.

As soon as her eyes found mine, they widened with surprise before she slowed down her steps, letting the others walk past her subtly. I joined her side instantly as they left the hall, the two of us meeting in an embrace.

"I thought you weren't coming," she said uneasily, making my heart prick with guilt.

"I'm sorry, they wouldn't let me yesterday and I was running late this morning," I explained apologetically, pulling apart to meet her gaze. "I could never not come to see you, Lexa."

She swallowed visibly, nodding. Though she was as prepared as could be for Conclave, it was still a daunting experience and she seemed nervous.

"You're going to be fine," I told her, taking her hands in mine and squeezing them. "And when you become the Commander, I'm still going to be here for you. Like always."

"If," she corrected.

I shook my head. "You're going to win, Lexa."

"Luna is just as good," she pointed out.

"And you've trained longer than her," I retorted. "Longer than any of them. You can do it."

She pursed her lips, exhaling through her nose.

"I'll be watching front row," I said, eyes darting between hers. "Waiting for you when it's over. When they announce your win."

Her jaw tensed uneasily. "If they don't, this'll be the last time we speak."

I tried my hardest to keep smiling for her sake, but the truth of her words hit me hard. I didn't doubt she wouldn't win, but in the tiniest of chances she didn't, then I'd lose her for good. And then what? Who would I have left?

"We'll speak again," I said with certainty.

She wasn't as confident as I was, her gaze faltering, lip trembling ever so slightly. "But if we don't, Y/N, I... I need you to know that you mean the world to me."

"Lexa, don't–"

"No, just listen," she said firmly, squeezing my hands. "I never had a family. Anya is the closest I have, but it's not the same. Not like it is with you. I couldn't have done this without you, Y/N. Any of it."

I scoffed, teary-eyed at her words. "You definitely could've."

"No," she disagreed, licking her lips.

My heart soared in my chest at the way she spoke, like this would be the final time. It couldn't be, and yet– what if it was? What if this was the last time I could ever tell her the truth about how I'd felt about her all these years? She just opened up to me, so shouldn't I? Could I?

The words were stuck in my throat, as they'd been since I first met her. I wanted to tell her the truth, even if it was the last thing I ever said to her, but I couldn't. I was a coward, as always.

"What is it?" she asked with concern, resting a hand on my shoulder.

I smiled sadly, shaking my head. Even as she watched me with a tender gaze, I couldn't bring it in myself to ruin this. Not now, not when it could be our last moment together.

"Nothing, now come here," was all I said, pulling her in for a final hug so she couldn't see the tears slipping from my eyes.

Maybe a coward was all I would ever be.

—

It was no surprise that Lexa won Conclave and was crowned our new Commander. Even as I watched her fight, occasionally faltering at the swipe of a sword or a lucky punch, I didn't doubt she wouldn't make it. My heart was in my throat a few times, sure, but she always pulled through.

That same evening, she received the Flame in a private ceremony, whilst the rest of the city celebrated the appointment of their new Commander. Meanwhile, I was counting down the minutes until I could finally go and visit her, congratulate her, hold her.

It was late, well into the night, when I was finally allowed upstairs to the Commander's quarters – Lexa's new home – to see her. As soon as the doors opened, I pulled her in for a tight hug.

"You did it," I breathed out with relief as her hands wrapped around my waist. "I knew you would. Congratulations, Lexa. Or should I say Heda."

She chuckled slightly, also relieved, and didn't let go of me just yet. Finally, after a moment, she pulled apart and met my gaze. I couldn't help but notice the cut on her lip and the bruise darkening around her left eye. A small price to pay for the win.

"I have a surprise for you," she said softly, not letting go of my hands.

I tilted my head, confused.

She continued, "You've been working your way to becoming a healer, like Nyko. You're almost there. And as Heda, I'll need my own personal one."

"And you have one," I reminded her. "Nyko."

She shook her head, a soft smile tugging at her lips. "That was the previous Commander's. I need my own and Nyko said he trusts you. He will still work for me, but I want you to be mine." I quirked a brow, and she quickly corrected with pink cheeks, "My personal healer, I mean. I want you by my side like we always said."

I swallowed hard, taken aback. "Are you sure?"

She laughed, the room brightening at the sound. "Of course I'm sure!"

I exhaled quietly, smiling all the same. It was hard to believe what she was saying. Yes, we'd discussed this as kids, but I never saw it actually happening. And so quickly? She'd only been crowned Heda hours ago!

"I'd love to," I said appreciatively.

Her smile widened, eyes sparkling with excitement. I almost got lost in the shades of green and gold, heart soaring at the fact that she was still alive, mostly unhurt, the new Commander and right by my side again. The high I was on was unmatched and I truly considered lightening the load even more by telling her the truth about my feelings for her.

But it was the wrong time. She'd just been given a massive responsibility. I couldn't add to that. And I'd been rewarded with so much, including her safety. I needed to be grateful for what I had, not risk ruining it with what I didn't.

[joels-shitty-puns]

The Key To Your Heart - Track 4

Pairing: Pedro Pascal x Musician!Reader

Gif by:@sh214

Series Summary: After writing your feelings for Pedro into a song, it gains a lot more popularity than expected. Ultimately it brings both criticism and support, with new possibilities around the corner.

*! New warnings will be listed first !*

Series Warnings: 18+ only (MDNI). Mentions of food, weight loss, weight gain, dieting, weighing, potential eating disorder, food guilt. Potential for puns/dad jokes (name of my blog, and the fic) should give that away. This is my first fic which should be its own warning, lol. Also some cursing. Mentions of masturbation (f) maybe more smut later idk. Sadness, reader is pretty depressed. Poor body image. Rude people. Bullying-ish and just lack of support? Anxiety. Age gap! Reader is in her mid 20's, Pedro is current age (48).

Other stuff: Reader is plus sized. AFAB. Inexperienced. Also has a dog, but you can pretend it is another creature probably. Further, in case it isn't clear, italics almost always are the reader's inner thoughts!

Word Count: ~2.3K

Series List: Here!

Miss last chapter? Here!

Hi there! To those of you who have read and are still with me, THANK YOU! I love you all. I'm sorry that my chapters are taking longer and longer. Work has been a bit more hectic lately and I also just had some serious writer's block with this chapter. That being said, it feels a little rough and I apologize if its awful lol. But either way, thanks for hanging in there with me and please let me know what you think! Your comments make me happy!

__________

You groaned, stepping out of bed and drifting towards the bathroom. Your face was sticky and your eyes stung from crying late into the night. It was silly, naive, and frankly stupid… but sometimes you can't control how hard emotions hit. Seeing that Pedro didn't actually watch your video was a let down - to put it mildly. Obviously he's a popular guy. A star. He has better things to do.

You should be grateful he even responded to your Instagram message before. Even though it hurts, surely he has more interesting things to do than message someone like you. Just because you wrote a song and he said he liked it doesn't mean he owes you anything more.

So after a fitful night's sleep, you were utterly exhausted; physically, mentally, and emotionally. Luckily, it was still your weekend and you could rest today. 

More like spend the day wallowing in your self pity… you think, disdainfully at yourself.

Looking in the mirror, you notice your puffy eyes. There's some new acne, and a mop of frizzy hair on your head. After using the toilet, you step on your bathroom scale before your shower; a morning routine you started during years of dieting. Another 3 pounds. Up again?!

You look in the mirror, pinching your stomach with a sigh. I guess I shouldn't have had those cookies yesterday…

The food guilt creeps up as you think of the goodies you've eaten recently. Cookies yesterday, fast food the day before. You were bitter that you weren't one of those people that could just magically eat whatever they wanted without gaining an ounce. 

But you aren't, and you should know better. 

Frustrated with your appearance, you begin your usual internal debate about how to fix it.

Maybe I should go back on the diet…

But the diet caused you so many problems. Remember the stomach issues? The hunger? The lack of joy? Binge eating on cheat days until you were sick?

But! I lost so much weight!

Yeah, until you started gaining weight…

Maybe I didn't cut enough. People said I looked so good. I was *almost* skinny.

Maybe people would like me more if I was skinny… Maybe Pedro would like me if I were skinny. There's no way he would be with me looking like this.

These were the debates that plagued you for months… years… a lifetime.

You showered, tears beginning to flow again as you tried to push out the thoughts. He was probably just busy, but either way you knew you didn't have a chance. 

Your friends were right. You were an obsessed fan. It was… concerning, as they said. They pitied you when you felt sad about your feelings. Just find someone you actually have a chance with, they pushed. Someone real.

But... he did message you. Maybe he didn't even know you had an interview yesterday? Maybe he watched it later. You were being utterly ridiculous. It didn't matter anyway.

But what you didn't know was that Pedro felt just as disappointed. He wanted to be the one on your list. The one you loved. He went to bed just as mopey as you did and woke up just the same.

_____

Having washed away your bad feelings as best as you could, you gave Skipper a kiss on his little forehead and made some coffee while scrolling Instagram. You were nervous to see what people had to say about your interview, but you had to face the music eventually.

As you could have predicted, people were running through the potential suspects (or prospects, that is) who have brown curly hair and brown eyes. Some supported you and loved your interview. Others criticized you for being too chicken to show yourself. 

You weren't used to this level of attention, and you really weren't sure you enjoyed it. But you were grateful to have your two lives kept separate, your true persona still shaded in privacy.

What you did not predict, was a notification popping up from Pedro, interrupting your scrolling. Forgetting to breathe, you immediately clicked on it. If the message were food from the oven, you would've burnt your hand the way you grabbed it so fast. 

Perhaps I should've been a little more chill about opening this so quickly... Oh well.

Pedro Pascal messaged you: "Hey! I watched your interview yesterday. You did fantastic. I know fame is new to you and you're nervous, but you're a natural."

Your heart swelled. He did watch it!! He must have just been busy during the live stream.

You replied: "Pedro! You watched it!?! Thank you so much. That really means a lot to me."

Pedro read your message immediately, but instead of sharing in your level of excitement, he was hit with a wave of confusion instead. She must just be trying to not hurt my feelings. She already knows I watched it.. unless she didn't even notice my name. Or she didn't care enough to look for it…?

He decided to play along with it anyway. "Absolutely, I did. I've had it marked on my calendar since the day it was announced a couple days ago and watched it as it was streamed live."

His response took you by surprise, and then made you angry. If he really watched it, he would know that they gave you a list of the people who watched it live. Why was he lying to you about it?

You started to plan out your response, maybe even send an accusatory comeback, but then you thought about it again.

Why would he lie about it? What would he gain by lying? He messaged you.

With this in mind, you instead chose to take a different approach. One better designed for fishing. One you had to be very careful about, so as not to reveal the fact that you looked for his name.

"Wait!? You watched it live? I didn't see you on the list. You're one of the few people I've spoken to who actually seem genuinely friendly and interested in having a conversation with me. I had sort of hoped you were listening."

There. That doesn't sound too revealing, right? Totally friendly…

Pedro opened your message and was met with both confusion, and something else he wasn't expecting. Hope. Did you look for his name??

Still, he wanted to address the confusion. "You didn't see me on the list? That's odd.. but I'm sure there were a lot of names to scan through. Maybe my name was just buried in that list."

You knew it wasn't buried. He was the only name you looked for. The only name you cared about seeing on that list, not that you'd admit that to him right now. But you also didn't want him to feel that insignificant either.

"There were a lot of names, I'll give you that. But I swear you weren't there. Were you logged into your account? Maybe your Internet crashed, or you missed part of it?"

Instantly he remembered the ten or so minutes that Oscar interrupted him. 

Oscar!

"Oh shit! That's it. Oscar barged into my house while I was watching it and I slammed my laptop closed."

"Oscar… Isaac? Wait, why did you slam your laptop closed?"

"Yeah, that's the one. And… I don't know. He just surprised me, I guess. It wasn't a planned visit."

Slamming your laptop closed is an odd reaction to your friend visiting, but okay, you thought.

"So you closed your laptop, and missed a few minutes. And that must have been the moment they pulled the list of viewers."

Pedro replied. "It must have. But I was there, more than happy to listen to what you had to say"

If my name had been on the list, would her answer have been different? When asked whether the man she loved was on the list and she said no, would my name have changed anything? Pedro wanted to ask you these questions. But he couldn't. Not only was he scared, but he also didn't want it to come off as some douchey comment that made you uncomfortable. He wanted to get to know you better, even if just as a friend, and he wouldn't let a silly little crush ruin that.

You sent a response that could be deemed as friendly or neutral, still cautious. "Thank you Pedro. I'm really glad you watched it."

He replied without hesitancy. "Of course. But, I am sorry that your guy wasn't on that list."

He sounds genuine. Not like he's fishing for information like everyone else on the internet. In turn, you decide to be playful with your response. Risky, but still not too revealing. "It's okay. It turns out that list wasn't as accurate as I once thought it was" you typed with a smirk.

"So maybe he was watching after all," Pedro answered.

"Maybe he was."

Pedro soon changed the subject, "I did enjoy hearing about your favorite things, though. You may know this already, but I love movies. Some of the ones you mentioned are a couple of my favorites as well. But as for your favorite books, I haven't read them, but I've been meaning to find a new book to read."

The fact that he was a reader made your heart flutter; the thought of him sitting with a book, his glasses perched on his nose, brow furrowed as he stroked his thumb over his lip in deep concentration. You were overjoyed at the thought of him reading *your* favorite book and potentially having someone to talk to about it. Before you knew it, you had frantically sent multiple excited messages.

You: "Oh! If you read any of my favorite books we HAVE to talk about them!"

Second message: "AGH the first book I mentioned is my favorite, out of all of them. The ending blew my mind. And the characters were just so amazing! Well except for that one guy.. but I won't spoil that…"

Third message: "But my favorite character has the greatest lines!!! Sometimes I like to quote it but nobody else gets it. And the way the author describes the settings is so magical, it makes you want to be there."

Pedro caught himself smiling at his phone, wrapped up in your excitement, as you were finally able to talk to someone about your favorite book. It was adorable how happy you seemed.

He started to type a reply when you sent another message. "Shoot… I'm sorry. I got a little too carried away…"

"Who told you that?"

Huh?

"Who told me what?" You asked.

"Who made you feel like you had to stop talking when you became excited about your interests?"

His question took you aback, but your mind struggled to pinpoint the answer to it. There's been so many people that have told you that over the years. People you assumed were friends. An old crush who didn't like multiple text messages at once. Classmates who would complain or make fun. It was routine.

"Oh. It's not a big deal. It's just something I've heard over the years. But I also know how I get and I don't want to be too much. I'm sorry. I don't want to monopolize the conversation too much either. But hey, you didn't mention, what are your favorite books?" You tried to change the topic.

Pedro felt that protective feeling bubble up in his chest again.

"Over the years!? There have been multiple occasions?" Pedro shook his head, even though you couldn't see through the text. "I'm sorry anyone ever made you feel that way or said anything to imply that your interests weren't worthy of being heard. Fuck them. They should be thankful that you shared your interests."

They should be grateful to hear your beautiful voice get so excited. To get to see your excitement and smile, Pedro thought to himself angrily. He hoped he could someday witness you getting excited over your interests in person too.

"Thank you Pedro. But really, it's okay. I know I get a little… obsessive and crazy, especially with sending multiple texts, so I don't blame them. Haha. :)" you tried to soften the mood.

"I don't want you to ever feel that way with me. I liked hearing you talk about your interests."

You began to type, but Pedro beat you to the punch.

"In fact… if you'd like to talk more," he gave you his phone number. "Feel free to text me, or you can call me too. I like talking on the phone, but I know not everyone does."

Holy shit. Is this real life? Did Pedro Pascal just give me his phone number? And ask me to call him?

Truthfully, your introverted self really didn't like talking on the phone. But the idea of talking to Pedro, hearing his voice on the other end of your phone was too much to handle.

What you didn't realize, was that Pedro wanted it just as bad.

Your fingers danced over your phone keyboard, trying to find the right words for a reply. What do you say when the love of your life (that you didn't think you would ever have a chance with) gives you his phone number?

Pedro watched anxiously as the three dot-dot-dots of typing appeared and disappeared over and over. His heart was racing, and he began to worry he may have overstepped this time. 

Why did you give her your number? She's going to think you like her!!! 

But you do like her, you idiot, Pedro berated himself.

He ran his hand down his face, waiting for your response in agonizing suspense. But instead of hearing the pop of a notification, his phone began to ring instead, an unknown number displayed on the home screen.

Wait… is that her? Is she CALLING me?!

He answered frantically, practically dropping his phone in the process. 

"Hello?"

"Hello? Pedro? It's me.."

You heard him give a breathless laugh before answering with a gentle "Hi."

_____

Thank you for reading!! Let me know your thoughts :) More will be coming soon. I know this is a painfully slow burn lol. Thanks for being patient.

Next chapter! Here

_____

Taglist: (Want in? Let me know!)

@pedrotonin @starcrossed02 @lightupsketchersperson @cartoon-garbage04 @tyferbebe @maryfanson @gwendibley84 @faithfullyyours2000 @brilliantopposite187 @hc-geralt-23 @jenniferpendragon

[steamberrystudio]

13/08/2023 Devlog

Hallo! It is time for the bi-weekly Tumblr update once again

Summary:

Sprite art finished and imported (all sprites are now in the game)

All CG art completed

50% of CGs coded

The Ramble:

So here is the quick ramble for Gilded Shadows.

I finished all the remaining sprite art and got that imported into the game. 

And I finished all the CG art. I have not finished coding the CGs as some of them take a bit longer due to Morgan. So I have a few more of those left to do.

I really did not expect to be finished with the CGs by this point but somehow managed to finish them by the end of Friday without killing my hand.

I've definitely been...uh...feeling it the past couple of days though. Ha ha. 

Fortunately the art is done now so my hand will have plenty of time to rest through beta testing! 

Upcoming Weeks:

Beta testing! 

I have a few more things to wrap up, including coding the rest of the CGs and then Yuu's route will move into the beta testing stage which will last a few weeks; but I'm not sure how long.

So yeah. We're nearly to the final release for Gilded Shadows. 

Even after release, I still have some KS related loose ends to tie up but the game is kind of the main thing to complete and we are nearly there.

=o

Anyway, that's all for now on Gilded Shadows. By next update we should be mid-beta testing and I'll probably be working on some of the KS loose ends while waiting for feedback.

When Stars Collide:

For those following updates on this project:

I have received one new background since last time and a new sketch.

I have also done a fair bit of writing but since this is just my side project I've actually been tracking my word count progress a little less meticulously than usual. I don't know how many words it was at my last update so I don't know how much progress I've made since then. LoL!

I have one more short scene for Yren chapter 5 left but I also worked on the new chapter 3, which I had planned out but not started last time. So it looks like I wrote right at 10,000 words based on how long the scenes I know I wrote are. 💪

I also wrote Kav's first actual scene and appearance (well, it's part of the new chapter 3, not a separate scene.)

I've done a few other small things - worked on potentially re-designing the flowchart screens, changed up some character lore for a few characters. Changed a few character name spellings too (there are reasons for this; it wasn't just a whim. LoL)

And a few other minor things.

I also improved my WSC word count spreadsheet.

Keeping a detailed spreadsheet of my progress - including a specific goal system and progress tracker really helps keep me focused so that my forward momentum stays at a steady pace.

I'm not a naturally organised person - in fact, my natural state as a writer is quite chaotic and disorganised. But I have learned during Changeling that chaos does not serve me well in the development process and that I do better if I make myself use organisational tools to stay on track.

I haven't been meticulous with writing spreadsheets for WSC since it has been my side project until now. But as GS wraps up, it will become more of my focus so I want to be sure I have the tools in place to stay focused.

Hence...better spreadsheets. 💪💪

Side note. But did you lens flares are actually required when something is set in space? That is how you know it's sci-fi.

I don't make the rules.

[metalmewtwo-kxb]

Pokemon story/art/ask-blog for Benta the Mewtwo

Set in an apocalyptic future where most humans have disappeared and only pokemon remain. And the world is not as it had once been.

Benta, a pokemon who has existed for a long time now, has wandered the crumbling cities and empty roads looking for others who might share his ideals of rebuilding what is left of the world. Perhaps even track down the humans, if there are any left. However, the pokemon all seem to be at odds, more focused on hoarding land and food for survival. Many more are feral and vicious.

As others may find out, he is no ordinary mewtwo, and he might very well be the only one of his kind in a world full of ghosts. But is he the only wanderer? Or are there others?

And is it possible to save this future?

⚠️ Under Construction ⚠️

⚠️ Comic Pages 9-12 In Progress ⚠️

⛔️ NO NSFW ⛔️

General Itinerary (in no particular order) :

🧩 rp reply (if/when I have any)

- Thinking I'm gonna limit myself to one a day with these (or as often as I can manage) since I'm a very tired goose with limited internal motivation lol. I love role-playing! It just takes some thinking and energy. If I ever have more than one thread at a time, I'll make a weekly schedule 📅

✏️🖍 asks and/or art responses

- the art side of these can take anywhere from a day to a few days, depending on what I do exactly style/complexity-wise. Obviously can't do art replies all the time, but sometimes I could get inspired to do something other than text replies! 💕

🎨 comic art

- For the main story! The style for this is different and more uniform than what I'll be using for asks, so it definitely takes longer. I don't typically post until I'm done with a illustration/page set, so it can take a long heckin time. If one part one is 8 pages, I'd say it would clock in at two or three months before it's posted (as long as I'm not sick or somethn). I'm okay with posting peridoic snippet updates from my favorite panels though!

Temp. Edit: I've lowered the number of pages in each part to 4 since I need an easier goal to reach at a time. There's still 24 total! I just need simpler intervals. :T 🖼

Beyond this I have work and need me time, but always thank you, and I appreciate the interest! Benta is one of my comfort OCs so I'm treating this blog about the same. I want it to be a fun and cozy space while I build the apocalypse story lol.

#️⃣ tags

This is a list of tags to search on my blog for my art and writing (which will update as they come up):

- ;mun - my general babble, updates, and so on

- ;poké art - all posts involving pokemon sketches and drawings

- ;pokedex - posts pertaining to the story's pokemon and their lore. These pokemon are usually "new" species, not those that are already well known. However, sometimes special pokemon characters will make an appearance

- ;rp - written replies to roleplays. Kind of recommended since some lore will likely only appear in these, and they can be a fun read for those that like to do so (the rp partner's name will also be included in the post's tags) 👍

- ;response - ask responses! Chances are they contain art and scribbles. And maybe not, depends on how I feel

- Benta - self-explanatory, posts containing content of my mewtwo OC Benta (this does/should include roleplay threads and asks, so it's more generalized and not very concise)

- ;UntilTheEnd - the comic and main story for Benta and other characters that we'll meet along the way! (Set in an alternate universe, so don't expect very much anime/game continuity lol)

- ;drabbles and chapters - more written content that can either have something to do with an established AU or with context of the main story. Typically smaller snippets, but potentially a longer chapter set. I'm a faster writer than a drawer, but I enjoy both- so this is just another means of keeping up fun content 🫶

💬 About the mun:

Age: 29

Pronouns: she/her/they/them

Occupation: A menace to modern society :V *cough* artist/writer/author *cough*

Hobby: Literally just bothering my sister and siblings like a sneaky little gremlin.

Pokémun-sona: Zoromun. Info post -> here

More is tba!

Thank you for the visit, and have a wonderful day!

(main -> @ draconic-hydra )

[cordycep-creations]

Hello Tumblr! Come listen to me rant about my beta owl au? Ive been working on it in my head for a while. Here's some details on the main cast-

Part one: Hexside Crew

Luz/Lucía Noceda

Now 17 ish, Luz never found the boiling isles as a child. Instead she stayed in Gravesfield, unable to move on from her father's death. Her mother has been able to move on though, leaving Luz very uncomfortable with her mother's new boyfriend, as well as her own much younger step-brother-to-be. But the boiling isles are still coming for her- and a lot sooner than she could ever expect.

Amity/Amelia Blight

With the twins now outcast from the family, Amity is under intense pressure as the last Blight still welcome in the manor. With her parents' pressure for her to join the emperor's coven or the family business, she's begun to absorb a lot of their stiff, perfectionist attitude. She's also been very involved in The Emperor's Coven, tightly knit with her mentor Lilith.

Augustus Porter

Inspired by a couple of other fics I've read, Augustus is an agent of chaos. Actor, shape-shifter, artist and illusionist. They become closely connected to the illusionist graveyard, finding connection to the undead magic and spirits. He also has a very complicated history with Skara, who we will get to after...

Willow Park

She's still best friends with Augustus, of course. She found her own way to the plant track and has given herself a very different reputation over the years. Harder, not taking anyone's shit but still more than willing to kill or die to protect her friends. Assigned male at birth, but with she/her pronouns and some gender fuckery she doesn't feel like she needs to explain to anyone. Her plant magic has become scarily powerful at times, and she has a mysterious ability to cast spells without using a circle....

Skara Dubal

Skara gets a lot more attention in this AU, just for being one of my favorite little blorbos lol. She's about 17 like the rest of the cast (though Augustus is still a year younger.) She's a performer, constantly needing all eyes on her as much as possible. She's running around trying to see everything, to know everyone and to do it all at once. Shes trying to find her way through her art and her music, as well as her tumultuous, on/off relationship with Boscha Barron.

Again, shoutout to another au writer for the last name, though I don't remember specifically where I got it :(

One more bonus character under the cut, but he comes with some massive spoilers for the AU. It is....

Hunter Belos

At 18 years old, one year above the rest of the rest of the cast, we now have a very different version of Hunter Belos Whittebane. With mysteriously much longer hair... a mask of a Goldfinch instead of an owl..... and a strange British accent that seems very out of place in the boiling isles.

Hunter is no longer a grimwalker of Caleb's dead brother Philip. Now he's a clone of Philip himself, with Caleb sitting under the throne and name of Emperor Belos.

[abiteofhoney]

Hey, do you mind gushing about your tattoos a bit? They look cool. :o

anon, i would LOVE to talk about my tattoos. as of now, i think i have 32? it’s hard to keep track once you hit thirty lol i'm not gonna include pictures, bc that's gonna get way too long and take up so much dash space, so i'll just talk about some of my favorites! (it got long anyway, so you know the drill. under the cut we go!)

my absolute favorite tattoos are my pothos vines that go from my hand all the way up to my neck. i plan to get them expanded even further eventually lol. tucked into that same arm is a poppy - my birth flower, a book with my grandma's signature and her years of life. (she was a writer, too, so ... book!), and a strawberry!

I also have my mother and sister's initials with their birth years, also in their handwriting. following the handwriting theme, i have some lyrics from a small band i like, all three tattoos in their handwriting, which i got from them after a concert! i also have a tattoo that says "day by day" and it's in louis tomlinson's handwriting from his lyric video for the song Two of Us.

following the ... ahem... one direction theme (leave me alone, i don't regret it, i love them, and i got all the tattoos after they broke up), i have Treat People With Kindness, i have louis' signature smiley face, i have a house for Niall's song Paper houses, and a heart with a flame in it for his song Flicker.

and my last song related one, is a wine bottle with vines on it, for the song Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter - a song my momma and i often bond over.

then I have a matching pinky promise tattoo with a friend i am no longer friends with, but i also have a tattoo on my ass that says "stay wild" that matches with my best friend that is still is and always will be my best friend lol.

i have a hat on my knee so it's a knee cap.

i have a beautiful drawing of a lion with daisies and a moon that a friend once drew for me as a birthday gift -- intended to be a tattoo!

I have some gorgeous traditional work on my chest - a snake wrapped around a dagger on my sternum, and two butterflies under my collar bones. and a similar style tiger guy on my calf

i also got the inside of my lip tattooed just so i could say i did it, and i have a three inch ruler on my index finger that comes in handy more often than you'd expect it to.

oh and here’s a few pictures that get most of the upper body tattoos lol yay, tattoos!!!! i need another.

and this is the best picture i have of my leg tattoos lol

[fakeuwus]

here's my orange blood review that absolutely nobody asked for:

sweet venom: i liked the mannequin challenge lowkey LOL it was rlly cool but what i didn't like was how only one set was used and the SAME mannequin sequence was reused, just replacing members. it seems that belift rushed this filming bc it isn't nowhere near the effort they've put into their other mvs. also, HYBE WHY ARE U ALLERGIC TO BRIDGES??? WHY IS SWEET VENOM LESS THAN 2 AND A HALF MINUTES?? like just imagine a bridge where it slows down a little and picks back up with a lil dance break... (i should be a producer me thinks) moving on to the positives, their vocals sound so good!! jay opening the song did it for me and tbh i rlly do like it. it contrasts bite me which was their goal and the "sweet hee hee" is going to catch on fast. plus, i'm one for upbeat, fun songs and im really happy that jay got to contribute to the writing!! i just wish it was longer /: plus u can see the michael jackson influence in this cb which i can appreciate

mortal: i love her so much. there's like A LOT of monolouging but the melody is really pretty and their vocals sound amazing. it makes me feel like im frolicking in a field fr. i love jake's closing lines bc it rlly sets up the storyline of the album.

still monster: don't come for me i know she's already a fan favorite but i'll have to listen to it a few more times. ITS GOOD THOUGH. jungwon's voice in the pre-chorus LIKE CMON. i think it matches the vibe of sweet venom, just a slower ver of it if ykwim. i think the performance will solidify everything for me and reporters said the choreo was rlly good.

blind: ONE OF MY FAVS. jay's vocals omg he is really showing off his singing this comeback. i cant explain why i love it so much BUT JUST KNOW SHE IS IT!! FOR ME. ((the "wait a minute" part HITS)) ((so does the bridge))

orange flower (you complete me): ive already said this before BUT I JUST KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE MY FAV. (it has the same writer from bills, one of my fav enha songs) they really tricked us playing the slower version for the trailer TT (hybe pls release that ver as well i NEED her) the song makes me feel really happy and the lyrics are so<33 this is definitely a song for the fans with lyrics like "color my world... you complete me" again gotta highlight jay's vocals bc i love vocalist jay!!

sweet venom (eng ver.): same notes as written before but it sounds good in english!! not awkward at all and i can see myself listening to both versions.

overall, the members emphasized the storyline they were trying to create and that it was a continuation from bite me. i think with watching the trailers and knowing both storylines it makes you appreciate the message they were trying to send. the songs fit well together as a mini album and i can see why the members love this comeback so much. i just wish belift/hybe took a little more time crafting the title track and put more effort into the mv but what can we expect from that company... im extremely proud of the boys bc theyve been working nonstop for so long and it makes me happy that they also love the songs bc i want them to release music theyre proud of.

anyways tysm if u read this all, pls send me what u guys think as well and let's talk ab it!!! 🫶🏼

[cellsshapedlikestars]

2022 end-of-year fic review ✨

thanks so much to @vivilove-jonsa for tagging me! I’m putting this under a cut because ya girl can get wordy

1. what’s your ao3 account?

ganymede_elegy

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2. how many words did you write in total in 2022?

434,360. oops

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3. how many fics did you publish in 2022 // multi-chapter vs. one-shots?

8 multi-chapter (I’m counting ephemera in this because I’m lazy), 6 one-shots, 2 follow up one-shots.

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4. what was your longest-fic // shortest fic?

longest: you on the run (73,410)

shortest: say anything (2,290) (possibly something from ephemera, but I’m too lazzzyyyy)

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5. what was your most popular // least popular?

my most popular are always the ones I dub my “rom-coms”, and the least popular are always my darker stuff, but I also think longer fics tend to be more popular too, so because I need things to be very organized, I’ll split them up.

multi-chapters:

-most: take me out

-least: the ghost inside

one-shots:

-most: i’ve got your number

-least: red lights mean you’re leaving

(see! this tracks with rom-coms vs dark lol)

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6. what fic didn't perform as well as you thought it would?

I don’t know. Because I have terrible anxiety, I always feel like the thing I’m currently writing is the least performing and then once it’s completed I go “oh! the response it got was so nice!!” no matter what it is. Like I was slightly disappointed the ghost inside didn’t do 'better' because I personally adored it and had it sitting around half written for years, but also I posted 4 chapters in 4 days for the event, and the tags are SUPER off-putting. So is the format. And the subject matter.

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7. what fic performed way better than you thought it would?

i’ve got your number. It was a one-shot that did a lot better than I was expecting. But I personally love it and I’m so glad everyone else did, too.

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8. what was your favorite fic you wrote in 2022?

very tough. I think help me out of the shape I’m in is the one I’m the most proud of, though half of it was written in 2021. But I’m also really proud of sketches of what was there before, if only because it’s the only thing I’ve written that wasn’t shippy (in this fandom). This question is hard because as I’ve said before, I write for me and so I have a deep fondness for everything I’ve written (with some exceptions lol)

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9. what was your favorite fic that somebody else wrote in 2022? 

OOF I’m so bad at this. I’ve already admitted I don’t read a ton of fic anymore, and I also get SO anxious about leaving people out or making anyone feel not included? I also just plain can’t remember because time is an illusion. So I'm choosing a bunch?? These are not the only great fics though!!

I always love me some good @thewolvescalledmehome fics, like Reach Out With Both Hands and currently enjoying On the Edge of a World so Cold

@vivilove-jonsa​‘s you give me goosebumps was such a fun ride to start off the new year

Late Night by @justadram​ because I always love reading fics where it feels like the writer is very interested in/knows a lot about the subject

Death and the Dancer by @sibyldisobedience​ because I LOVE ghost/spooky stories

The Man Called Snow by annie_loves_starwarsstories just updated and reminded me that I also love historical fic

I did consume a LOT of Edissy fic this summer, but I also fell pretty quickly out of it and can no longer remember what I read & liked

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10. tag your friends so they can play as well

@hilarychuff​ @northernladywriter​ @sibyldisobedience​ @justhereforfandomandfriends​ @mkstrigidae and whoever else wants to play! I’d love to see them

[loveofcharacters]

Hello Writers!

My name is Lane, I'm 25+ and will write with those who are also 25+ and have it listed on their blog. I am in pst timezone.

NEW PINNED

My activity status: I like to stay busy. So sometimes I'll be able to write replies multiples times in one week and other times I won't be able to log on for weeks. Writing on tumblr is just one of the many hobbies I have, and my interest in writing fluctuates as often as my cycles lol.

My writing style/routines: When I've found a blog I'm interested in writing with, I will often to reply to 2-4 starters and try to mix between genders. This is to give you a variety of connections/threads to choose from. It is not my intention to overwhelm you and I do not expect all or any of the starters to be replied to. Me entire teaching career revolves around providing choice and that instinct has morphed into my writing routine.

I track all my threads using google spreadsheet.

Using the Chat: I prefer an open line of respectful communication, rather than radio silence. I like to be transparent when detailing my own likes/dislikes when writing form plot to gif format. I am open to the same in return. If there's a thread/muse/fc you're no longer interested in, send me a message. If you're not comfortable with the gif I've chosen, send me a message. If you'd like to plot or feel that I may have missed a thread from the tracker, send the message.

Starters are open to all writing partners for ✨forever✨

public google spreadsheet thread tracker

[zarla-s]

Hi zar! I have a question, I was wondering if you have something similar to that post you did about the general outline of a Handplates ending and where we are now but with Vargas? Im just curious if you already have an ending in mind and/or how close are we to it story wise

Haha Vargas is extremely old and has been going for such a long time, it's not as planned out as Handplates was and it probably shows. |D I can roughly remember some of the genesis for it though...

Chapters 1-3 were when I still thought it'd be a fairly short fic and I was just sort of seeing where the basic idea took me. Some stuff is set up in them that I expected to pay off way sooner than it did when I thought it'd be a much shorter story.

Chapter 4 is when things started to solidify more in general and I think where I was like no this is probably going to be long, I should figure some stuff out.

Chapter 5-12 used the comic plot as a jumping point, so some of them still feel a bit disconnected but on the whole things were building right. I actually hadn’t decided on what exactly Scriabin’s deal was at this point so he feels a bit inconsistent to me at points, but he’s basically doing what he’s supposed to anyway.

I didn't plan on 13 at all, I originally thought it'd go from 12 to 14, but then I sketched out the basics of the conversation in it in comic form and I liked it so much I decided to make it a real chapter. During 13 I spent a lot of time figuring out the basic structure of the next phase of the fic, where Edgar is chosen is a lock and how that'd end, as well as the basic idea for the phase after that and exactly what Scriabin was.

14-18 all flowed one from the other, so that wasn't too hard to keep track of. Some bits of them came to me unexpectedly though, with some scenes getting longer than I anticipated, or there being sudden turns in conversations that led in different directions that I rolled with.

19 wasn't intended to be that long but it just kept spiraling out and got weirder and weirder and I decided to keep it lol.

20-21 were originally going to be a sidefic but it got a lot longer than I thought, and when I showed it to a few people they really thought it should be part of the main fic, so in they went, which is amusing to me since they are so massively important to the rest of it.

22-23 were planned for a long time, so they went about the way I expected.

24-26 I got hit with some writer's block, I remember working on them in a lot of stops and starts. I just had a lot of trouble with the aftermath of 23 for some reason.

27 I had planned for ages and it came out pretty much just how I envisioned it and I still enjoy it a lot, haha.

28 I struggled with as well since it explains so much of what had happened before and the scene was just really difficult to write for some reason. I had to fight it to get it down.

29 was originally supposed to cover a longer period of time (like the first few days), but it ballooned up in length enormously so I ended up cutting it early. The first conversation in the kitchen gave me a lot of trouble just because there was so much to deal with and it was hard to try and figure out what to tackle and how, and sometimes it’d go down paths that were too big of a diversion so I’d have to go back and rewrite the conversation.

30-32 were when I got hit with a massive shot of inspiration so I banged them out extremely quickly, haha. They're really meant to just be one chapter but it was absurdly long so I split it in three. There were still some bits in it that gave me some trouble, mostly when Edgar comes home from work the first time, but nothing like some of the older ones.

33-34 were similar, I banged them out really fast, I was very inspired, haha. Still, I did have to do a lot of edit work to try and cover everything I wanted in the initial confrontation and the last conversation on the bed. There was just so much that happened!

I came up with a general idea of how the fic would end around 22-26, it’s hard for me to remember now. I knew about the third phase of the fic but I wasn’t entirely sure how it’d play out, but I had an end image in mind that I wanted to work towards. That was many many years ago though, and now that I’ve given it more thought and the fic has progressed so far, I don’t think that ending is actually realistic or satisfying. I spent a lot of time during 30-34 brainstorming some better ideas, and I’ve worked out a huge chunk of fic ahead (which will be very cool), but still not the EXACT ending. I’m hoping it’ll get clearer the further I work on it. We are definitely in the last phase of it though, if I had to estimate... I’d say there are roughly five more major plotpoints worked out up ahead, which given how tl;dr I get, I’m not sure how many chapters that’ll be, haha. The sixth one should be the last one, I’m just still not entirely sure how I want it to play out.

I’ve had a lot of projects in the past where I just started an idea without any idea about an ending. I’d say it’s actually most of them, haha. Handplates is unusual actually in how long I’ve known how it’ll end and how little it’s deviated from that path. It definitely feels better to know the ending, but it’s also kind of fun to just explore around and see where things take you. I dunno! Sometimes letting things play out for a bit can help you see what themes are building and give you ideas about how to resolve them. Glimpses behind the writing curtain are messier than people think, haha.

[flightlessangelwings]

The Echo of Emotions

Billy Russo x gn!reader

Word count: 1.4k

Warnings: angst, protective!Billy, mention of violence and threats, fluff, love confessions, kissing, feelings, a hint of spice, no use of y/n

Notes: For writer Wednesday that I am 2 days late posting lol! Tagging @autumnleaves1991-blog and @clydesducktape​! This followed The Weight of Emptiness (the previous week’s writer Wed) but I wrote it so it can be read on its own. Taglist in the reblog, if you’d like to be added, please fill out the google form in my masterlist. You can also follow my update blog @flightlessangelwings-updates and turn on notifications!

~

Billy Russo was your best friend. You had been in his life longer than anyone else, and he was special to you. He was so special that you had fallen in love with him, although you never said anything. But what you didn’t know was that he was in love with you too. Not that it mattered in the moment anyway since Billy disappeared from your life overnight.

With just a note and extra money from his safe, you were left alone. In his note, Billy said that he had gotten mixed up in something bad and he didn’t want to put you at risk. He also said that he loved you. 

“Fuck, Billy,” you sighed in frustration as you walked towards your destination. You used the money Billy gifted you and hired a private investigator to track him down. It probably wasn’t what he expected you to do with the money, but you didn’t care. In fact you never cared about the money. All you cared about was him, and now more than ever you were scared for him.  

If Billy thought he could push you away and face whatever it was on his own, he had another thing coming.

It took several weeks for the investigator to find Billy, but after so many sleepless nights, you finally received good news. The address the investigator gave you led you to a cheap hotel in a shady part of town. Your hand shook as you held the paper in your hand and you hoped that you weren’t too late to find Billy. The last few places the investigator found turned up empty, so either it was a false lead, or Billy had moved on before you got there.

You kept your gaze pointed so as to not draw unwanted attention as you went inside and got in the elevator before anyone even noticed you. This pace was a stark contrast to where Billy normally would go, and you held back a gag at whatever awful smell filled the elevator. It was almost a relief when the door dinged and you stepped out into the hallway, but the relief was short lived.

The hallway was dim and damp, and it did not have a friendly atmosphere to it at all. Dirty beige walls lined either side of you and a dingy red carpet laid below you. But you weren’t here for the scenery, so you pushed through your nerves and discomfort at your surroundings and went to the door listed on the note. Once you reached it, you took a deep breath; it was now for never. You reached out and knocked three times; now it was just a waiting game.

The door swung open and on the other side stood Billy in a tense stand and his gun pointed right at you. His eyes were pointed and his face was scrunched in anger; you had never seen him like this before. But once he realized it was you, his shoulders dropped and his eyes softened as he breathed your name, “What the hell are you doing here?”

“I found you,” was all you thought to reply with.

Billy darted his head as he checked the hallway before he ushered you into the room, “Get inside before someone sees.”

You gasped as you found yourself thrust into the small space that Billy currently occupied. There wasn’t much to it, and the colors inside matched the hallway. It was nothing like the penthouse that he left behind. As your eyes landed on the various weapons that lay strung out on the table, you felt your heart race as you wondered how badly he got himself into trouble.

“How did you find me?” Billy’s voice broke you from your thoughts.

“I used the money from the safe to hire a private investigator,” you spoke matter of factly to hide how flustered you felt under his gaze.

Billy sighed heavily, “Baby, I left you that money so you could take care of yourself. I can’t have you around me, it’s too dangerous. What if you got hurt? What if you…”

You cut off Billy’s rant when you grabbed his shirt and yanked him towards you and crashed your lips into his. A muffled exclamation escaped his lips as his eyes went wide for a moment. But, Billy soon melted into your kiss when he felt the emotions behind your action. He wrapped his arms around you and pulled you in close as he deepened the kiss and swallowed the soft moan you let out.

“I love you, Billy Russo,” you whispered against his lips, “You fucking asshole.”

Billy grinned against you, “You got my note I see,” he replied as he leaned back and looked into your eyes, “I love you too, baby.”

For the first time, your face lit up with a smile. But your face quickly dropped as you smacked his chest as a wave of emotions crashed over you, “What the fuck were you thinking, Billy?! How could you just disappear on me like that? And to tell me you love me in a fucking note?!”

His dark eyes stayed on your face as he took your verbal outburst. Billy knew he deserved it, although everything he did was to protect you. How could he explain everything though? “Baby I’m in deep,” he finally answered you with a sigh.

“Tell me,” your voice was softer as you caressed his face. The anger you held melted away as his eyes filled with tears and you saw the pain in his face. You hated when his big, dark eyes filled with tears, and you wished you had the power to take away his pain. But, the best you could do was listen and be there for him, which was exactly what you were going to do.

Billy took your hand and led you over to the bed where he sat you both down. It was time he told you everything; he owed you that much at least. You stayed silent as you hung on his every word while Billy told you everything. You thought you knew his every secret, but you were shocked at how much you didn’t know, how much he kept you in the dark about. It didn’t change your feelings for him, though.

“Once Rawlins met you, he realized how important you are to me,” Billy’s voice dropped as he looked down at your connected hands, “He would have used you to hurt me if I didn’t do what he wanted, and I couldn’t let that happen,” Billy gritted his teeth with his words. He let out a deep breath and unclenched his jaw before he continued, “I woulda given you the world, baby. I woulda bought you anything you wanted. But I fucked it all up.”

You reached out for his face and stroked his beard with your thumb, “I never cared about any of that, Billy. I only ever wanted you,” the sincerity in your eyes and voice nearly brought him to tears. “And now, I’m gonna help you get through this.”

Billy’s brows furrowed, “No. Absolutely not. I’m not risking you.”

“Billy,” your voice was stern, “You know me. You know my mind’s made up,” you rose and crossed the room and picked up a knife from the table, “I’m staying at your side. Like I have our entire lives.”

He watched you with wide eyes for a beat before he stood and sauntered over to you, “You know,” Billy’s tone dropped as he wrapped a hand on your hip while he covered your hand with the other, “I gotta say, seeing you hold a knife is kinda hot.”

You couldn’t help the giggle as Billy nosed your neck, “Now you’re getting distracted,” you playfully chastised him.

Billy let out a soft huff before he took your lips and a slow but passionate kiss. While his tongue tangled with yours, he gently took the knife out of your hand and set it on the table so he could wrap his arms around you. You whimpered into his mouth, and Billy groaned in response as he gently grinded his body against yours. Everything was different now, but as long as you had Billy, that was all that mattered to you. And Billy would do everything in his power to keep you- his entire world- safe.

“So, what now?”

“Whatta say we get this motherfucker before he can get us,” Billy gleamed as the spark was back in his eyes. He may not be able to keep you away, so he would do anything to keep you safe. After that, he could make up for lost time with you.

[thebibliosphere]

ADHD reward system? Please tell me your secret!

My therapist has been helping me find a reward system that works for me, and as it turns out, gold star stickers are really helpful for making me feel like a tangible goal was met, and helps give me that sweet, sweet dopamine release that comes with completing a task, something which us ADHD’ers really struggle to achieve and are already coming at from a disadvantage with our brains regularly not producing enough “happy” hormones as it is.

It was supposed to be “a sticker for every time you finish a chapter”, but after some revision, my therapist said that was too tall of a goal, and that I should pick something smaller. So instead I now get a star every time I finish a 500-word milestone, placing the sticker in my writing calendar/journal thing that I use to keep track of my writing, and ironically, I have started to produce more work than when I was stiving for one chapter a day.

To give you an idea of how staggeringly effective this has been for me, I’ve written over 30k of original fiction in the last week. (75k total if you include my social media and blog stuff, which I currently do not but likely should.)

So this is what it looked like when I was attempting to do a chapter of edits and revisions a day during the month of December 2019 (note: I was supposed to start this in Nov, so you can see how well that worked out for me lol):

ID: A calendar showing days of the month with a shiny star sticker showing a completed task.

And this is what my writing journal looks like now that I’m doing a star for every 500 words:

ID: an image of a handwritten journal with the dates mapped out, followed by a shiny star sticker for every completed 500-word milestone. There are 65 stars in total for the month of January 2020. It’s also tinged by a green light cause I’m doing a chronic pain experiment, so far with positive results!

So as of today, January 8th, with ever star = 500 words, then 65*500 = 32500 words totalled in 7 days. This does not include, like I said, my social media output where I am far more productive, this is just my fiction and some editing work for friends.

(Which side note: this is not to flex, or to say that others should be able to achieve this level of output. I am a professional writer, this is my main job and only source of income. And also, I was forged in the fires of understaffed editing hell where we would be expected to churn out 100k+ a week in edits and revisions to keep on track. I have the time and a learned skillset I have spent years amassing to be able to do this and am working towards a rigid deadline. I simply have not been healthy enough in a long time to manage it, and am finally working my way back up to speed after years of illness. Don’t look at this and think, “I’m not achieving enough”, every victory no matter how small is worth celebrating. And I say that with the utmost sincerity, as someone who spent most of the last 2-3 years unable to get out of bed.)

I’ve also started using it to help keep track of bills and chores around the home. So every time something gets done/done on time, whoever completed the task gets a star on the calendar. This includes Oppy the Not-A-Roomba, who does a very good job of taking care of the house on a daily basis:

ID: an image of a chore calendar denoting various tasks that have been marked off with a holographic silver star sticker, including our robot vacuum who does an excellent job and deserves all the stars. (Our names got blurred out cause ETD doesn’t want his real name out there in the world, so that’s what is blurry.)

This system is useful for several reasons, the primary one being a sense of achievement and continued motivation, and the second, to allow you to review each month to see where you are doing well, and where you might otherwise be struggling.

For example, if I have a bad day for writing or decide to take a day off, I write that down in the calendar rather than leaving it blank, so that I have a record of what went wrong (or right, if I am electing to self care that day and take a day off) and how my overall progress is doing.

In terms of house stuff, this has been especially useful for ETD and myself, as it shows us where we are managing to do a good job with the house, and where our executive dysnfunction issues really trip us up and where we need to make improvements. And I don’t just mean in an “I should try harder way”, I mean you have to actively sit down and be like “hey! What is preventing me from completing this thing” and trying to figure out effective ways to either get around it or resolve a larger issue at hand.

So for us, the biggest thing we tend to miss is doing dishes after dinner, meaning we get left with a pile-up of dishes to deal with first thing in the morning, and my ADHD can’t handle that. It won’t let me eat until I’ve cleared all the mess, but I usually don’t have the energy to clean up if I haven’t eaten, so it’s this awful cycle of ineptitude. We’re doing better with the star reward system, cause it’s showing us our progress loud and clear on the fridge door, but we are both usually so fatigued and exhausted by the end of dinner that doing dishes is just one thing too many for our mutual disorders. So, the solution for this would, of course, be a dishwasher, cause if we had one of those, we could load stuff in, turn it on, and let those dishes get done while we go to bed then put them away in the morning. We can’t afford to do that right now, and we have other appliances we need to buy/replace before we can do that (still don’t have a tumble dryer, or a washer I can access, rip) but it does give us a tangible goal to work toward, and also, the motivation to keep on top of things because it goes from “an endless task with no end in sight” to “there’s a solution for this, we can manage a while longer.”

Now you could be saying, but Joy, I’m an adult! Surely I shouldn’t expect rewards for completing every day tasks that I should be able to do?!

To which I say, neurotypical people get rewards all the time and get an unconscious dose of dopamine/serotonin from their brains every time they complete a task. They’re playing the game of life on easy mode, the gold star is your achievement for completing it daily on Nintendo 99 hard mode. IF THE STICKER WORKS, TAKE THE STICKER

YOU’VE EARNED IT.

[jalebi-weds-bluetooth]

Hii Jalebi! How are you doing? Diwali anon here!(idk you remember my last ask to recognise my but oh well!) So I'm on IPKKND re-watch sapere again cuz I'm trying to cope ever increasing anxiety of going to start college and moving to a new city and also living in a hostel for the first time ever

So this might be a long ask lol, but i feel so deprived of Arnav and Khushi actually being parents to Aarav yk? I feel like Khushi and Arnav reacting on completely opposite ends of spectrum during Diwali was a set up for a new track, which was scratched out? Also your take on how asr and Khushi would eventually have convo with Aarav about being orphans, and i personally think that if aarav had even a bit doubt about them accepting him or vice versa would be cleared from his mind. Also this could be headcanon or whatever down the line aarav would have taken some characteristics from Khushi (like he likes sweets like she does) maybe daily horoscope or finding a new best friend in Devi maiyya!? Also i imagine Aarav having to tell Arnav why Khushi is teary eyed because during her infamous morning vegetable shopping (where mother and son first met, this is their bonding time without any verbal confirmation about it) fellow shopper aunty comments on how aarav's nose is just like hers. Another one where aarav might be feeling down cuz he's done a bit bad on a test and he NEEDS to be best like his father but sabka Devi swooping in and telling him that being mediocre is okay, he doesn't need to be best for them to love him as much they do now and much much more.

Am i projecting my mommy and daddy issues in there? Maybe but who cares lol

This turned out longer than i expected, it's not a rant it's an essay, I'm so sorry. Fingers crossed i hope Tumblr doesn't eat my ask😭.

Please add your own headcanons and ideas I'd love to know (more like I'm desperate to know lol)

Thank you so much for bearing with me! I love your blog and podcasts!<333

Diwali Anon!!!

Do you know I too watch IPK to cope with anxiety - especially when I move into a new housing location? So giving you the biggest hugs cause watching our favorite show truly gives us the comfort we need during the hardest times *hugs*

How am I doing? Dying due to periods *cry*

Aarav and his role in the show was very undecided. They developed the relationship well between him and Arnav, but completely underdeveloped the relationship between him and Khushi. Of course it should've been complicated considering the little child was indirectly conditioned to think that it's this woman in his "dad's" life that results to him not having his dad...

The whole parenting thing also could've been an excellent track considering both Arnav and Khushi are orphans so they could connect with the child.

But it was very clear at that point that the writers really did not know where to take the story. And they were in this spot of not knowing how to write ArShi if they're not in conflict with each other. And they swore by the guideline of making Khushi childish. So what could've been a serious difference of opinion on how to parent and raise Aarav - led to the harebrained Mrs India.

Also they never setup Khushi as a maternal figure to Aarav. She overnight forgets to wear heels, forgets to wear makeup, forgets styling, forgets she has a child. They do remember to at least show Arnav helping Aarav with homework.

I don't think they could strike a balance between a childish Khushi and mother Khushi. Which, again shows where their 'priorities' were.

And yes, children do subconsciously absorb a lot of behavior from the adults around him. I absolutely agree he'd outwardly be a lot like Arnav cause it's tough to unlearn that he needs to not be like his father to get his approval. It will take some time and acknowledgement of the family to help Aarav find his own personality and identity that isn't influenced by Arnav's behavior.

I do think from Khushi he might learn distracting his stress by doing something that controls his impulses. For Khushi it's jalebi, for Aarav it could be something else.

I do think Khushi-Arnav would communicate with Aarav early on about being orphans considering their struggle to adjust as parents and Aarav's struggle to accept a new family. You must read @ridzmystique 's beautiful OS called Under the Starlight

I'd like to quote a head canon about Aarav from one of my previous posts;

#6 “Mom”

Never, in a million years, with all her twenty imaginary babies would Khushi have ever imagined to be called ‘mom’. In her fantasies of Laad Governor & Sanka Devi’s Shaadi Shuda Zindagi she thought she had imagined it all;

A hot, passionate but crazy marriage. Their brood of children would be half western, thanks to English Singh Raizada, and half traditional. Her son would probably take after his father in looks (which she would be grateful for) and in temperament (which she would curse Arnav for). Their daughter would be just like Khushi (which Arnav would be grateful for) and naively believe in all love and romance (which Arnav would curse Khushi for).  And then Arnav and Khushi would have another set of a son and daughter to have the roles switched.  Arnav would be positively traumatized upon being called “Babuji” and would drop all his business to make sure his brood calls him “Dad/Papa” and Khushi would leave all her jalebis and shop to make sure her little army of Raizada’s called her “Amma” instead of “Mom!”

That is until the day Aarav calls her mom. Suddenly, that is the sweetest word Khushi has ever heard and she does not want Aarav to call her anything else. Because it’s what Aarav calls her. 

Aarav, although shown to be identical to Arnav and immediately close to him because he believed all along that Arnav was his father - hence tried to impress him as much as he could - grows to become mamma’s boy. It’s Khushi’s childishness, sense of humor, joy for life, maturity and zest that brings out the boy’s childhood. 

I am sure one day Khushi sits and talks about being an orphan - and Aarav would be surprised at Khushi’s happiness despite her tragedy. I feel Khushi would actually play a key role in nurturing Aarav and making him a wholesome boy who can laugh, dance and enjoy life like his mother. 

In a nutshell, Aarav grows to become the perfect combination of his parents; slightly religious, loves sweets, plays pranks, is extremely sharp at mathematics, sarcastic, introvert, dry sense of humor, values relationships, values money and is temperamental enough to get people to obey him. 

Oh, and did you think Arnav was a terror if anyone insulted Khushi in front of him? That Arnav would slap and rip away the person from planet and protect his wife from all costs. 

Don’t even think of insulting Khushi with Aarav Singh Raizada around. 

Even Arnav can’t raise his voice on Khushi in front of Aarav. 

Aarav is obviously, protective about his father too - except he’s not too vocal about his. Arnav becomes a mentor, guide and a loving father for Aarav, while Khushi becomes Aarav’s best friend. 

--

The End,

Best,

Jalebi

[dearmrsawyer]

i feel like i've finally organised myself a good tv schedule each week! 2020 ruined more than global health it also stripped me of all my favourite shows lol so this year i decided i need to find myself a new collecton of shows to keep me company. i need more in my life than streaming shows that drop like 6 episodes one day a year and only run for 2 or 3 seasons. the current tv landscape is my hell!!!!! i want to spend at least half the year with characters watching them go on both important and unimportant adventures, how else am i supposed to get to KNOW them! anyways i feel like i have succedded and am super happy with the shows i get to spend time with every week:

The Rookie: wanted to check it out because Nathan Fillion is always a good time and he's still a good time! It's fun, i like all the characters a lot, and it feels like a show that's still in its prime at season 5 so i'm hoping its around for a few more years :)

The Winchesters: good god its SOOOO good. I didn't know what to expect of it, i was pretty confident/excited since i knew Jensen was behind it, and he brought on one of Supernatural's best writers to showrun it, but you still just never truly know what to expect, but from episode 1 it was the highlight of my week i LOVE it omg. Jensen said it was picked up for 13 episodes and he's hoping they'll order a longer season 1, and so do i because i want to consume this show.

Walker: my weekly fix of Jared Padalecki plays a dad :') The thing i like about Walker is how relaxed i am watching it rofl, i'm not overly emotionally invested, i just get to tune in, see what the family's up to, watch Jared parent some kids, and relax at the end of the week. Desperately needed a show like that!

Walker Independence: the new spin off set in the old West which i wasn't sure what to make of but is SO good! I'm enjoying it so much, it took me by surprise lol. also it's v fun to have a period piece to watch, there's still a gap that Reign left behind but even though this is as different a period as you can get, it's kind of doing it for me!

Big Sky: Had literally never heard of this until it was announced Jensen would be on it, i decided not to catch up on the earlier seasons but just jump in with him, and it seems like the kind of show you can do that with. Tbh i wouldn't keep watching it if Jensen wasn't on it, it's not super engaging, but i have a very good time whenever he's on screen so this is a fun little interlude to add to my roster for the next month or two!

shows like the flash (about to finish 😭), a million little things (a new venture i found as they announced the next will be their last season 😭😭) and superman & lois (also a recent venture that is NOT ending and i'm going to stick with!) aren't coming back til the new year. my life feels so much more like it's on track when i have a clear schedule of tv during the week, i feel more like myself than i have for a year 😂