#lol so this was just going to be a fun post because of the ouroboros script drop but the biphobia is all over the dash today so

[clare-with-no-i]

theogony part 1 behind the scenes

**SPOILERS ahead for theogony and mild spoilers for Outlander!**

this is just going to be a long infodump of all of the things I pondered while writing theog (specifically part 1, part 2 will come later) but never talked about! I'll try to go chapter by chapter, and maybe I'll end up adding more later on, but for now I just think it'd be fun to chitchat and reminisce on some of my favorite tidbits. this story is really my baby idk :")

Prologue - Alalá

one thing that I wanted to establish in the prologue, other than the obvious James-Sirius dynamic, is the presence of otherworldly or spiritual premonitions in this universe. it was always important to me that the first person who actually made any sort of prophetic declaration was James.

so much of the story relies on Lily's status as an oracle, but this little tidbit here helped build the world for me so much; we can't be sure if James's various dreams and premonitions are wishful thinking, or really the Gods speaking to him, or something else entirely. of course, this story deals with time travel, so there's an inherent supernatural element. but Lily and James's conflicting – and sometimes competing – conceptions of God felt like such a necessary tension for me to explore. it was such an incredible shorthand for the tension between modern and ancient sensibilities. and we never get a definitive answer to those looming questions, which I knew I wanted to do from the outset. did the Gods bring Lily back to the past? did James? did she do it herself? does God/the Gods even exist?

also: there are probably moments where I failed to do this, but I tried to capitalize Gods in all of the James chapters but not in Lily's, unless she was referring to the Abrahamic Capital G God. that is, until the last chapter, which I'll elaborate upon later :)

also: i wrote the prologue first, then the epilogue, and then i posted the prologue pretty immediately after. I had the entire story roughly outlined but I absolutely jumped the gun when it came to posting the prologue LMAO I didn't even really announce the story, I just joked about writing it and then posted the prologue, which you can see from the beginning note. i remember Suze was about to go to sleep and she started messaging me like wtf Clare what do you MEAN?

and the rest was history (pun completely intended)!

Chapter One: Ouroboros

the narrative brushes past the other statues in this section pretty quickly, but I always imagined that the first bust is Philoctetes, James's father. I think the consensus on this one tends to oscillate between Philoctetes and Aristides, which is another great interpretation.

The reason I wrote it this way and imagined it to be Philoctetes is because I thought it would have been nice to let Lily 'meet' James's father (in a sense), even before she 'meets' him. when I read this chapter back after I first finished the story, I had a very soft moment where I close-read my own fic (lol) and thought that maybe it was Philoctetes who sent Lily back to the past. maybe he sensed something about her and knew she'd be right for James and for antiquity.

sooo many people forgot about this! which i was hoping for!!!!! I was hoping everyone would forget about James's statue holding something until the Big Reveal. fun fact is I wrote the reveal right after this. I liked the idea that, no, he was never going to actually be holding anything. he'd be reaching for Lily. the choice to accept his hand was always going to be hers.

a fun fact about this chapter is that I had to pull from a bit more Outlander lore than I originally thought. and no I don't mean the 'Jesus H Roosevelt Christ' part lol. It was always hilarious to me how Outlander set up Claire to be the objectively perfect person to go back in time. she was a combat nurse who happened to develop an interest in medicinal botany and Scottish-English history. she also happened to spend her formative years with her adventurous archaeologist uncle after her only living relatives died. like girl. lol.

so I had to really toss up which traits I thought it would be appropriate for Lily to have as she traveled back in time. the biggest one, obviously, is her field of study, which was necessary given the language barrier and the completely foreign nature of social norms in Classical Athens. I toyed around with the idea of making her mum a nurse so as to give her some base medical knowledge, but that felt a) unnecessary given the circumstances of the story, and b) far-fetched that she would have gleaned enough transferable skills to apply in 479 BCE.

it was also fun to give her more reason to go back to the future; she has a sister who, while they aren't in contact, is a significant emotional attachment; she has academic goals; she has a best friend (however toxic we know him to be). it added a layer of conflict that I enjoyed playing up, even if I definitely could have explored her modern life more fully.

Chapter Two: Kinesis

soooo much exposition and worldbuilding in this chapter. oml. it was so much fun to play around with the reasons why James would be in Tatoi in the first place; I can't remember quite how I landed on the Persian auxiliary soldier thing, it might have been from my initial (admittedly extensive) research on the months leading up to Plataea; it may have just been the fact that I KID YOU NOT this story used to take up all of my fucking brainspace. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I'd be doing work for my research fellowship and just daydream about theogony. the initial idea came to me AS A JOKE!!!!! when i was idly pondering before going to sleep (as one does), and then it just wouldn't leave me alone. i kept imagining what it might look like. I thought about how the time travel might work. I thought about James's Greek equivalent. I ranted to my sister and her dog (he did not care) about what the statue might look like and mean (sorry bestie love u).

one narrative decision that has given me a bit of strife was the Dimitrios-James name change. I've had a number of people ask me if I'd ever try to pubilsh theog – and this is one of the (many) reasons why that would be pretty categorically impossible. using James's English name in his internal narration, instead of the name I give him as a Greek man, is something that only translates to fic. it makes pretty much no sense at all if you consider these original characters lol.

honestly putting the word 'practicum' in here caused me SO much pain. in James's chapters I tried really hard to use words which had Greek roots and not Latin roots, even if they're in modern English today. in most of his chapters, I'd try and find synonyms for big/complex words so I could use ones that came from Greek. it just helped me stick to his narrative voice a bit more.

I forgot how much STUFF went on in this chapter. oh my god SO much happens?? we get the lack of the Parthenon as the time marker (felt very clever doing that), Lily processing the fact that she's time traveled (lazy writing on my part to not have this happen in a Lily POV chapter but I'll take that on the chin), the Plataea reveal. OML. tired just thinking about it. lily sweetie i am so sorry

guys, the amount of time I spent wondering if I should Greek-ify Sirius's name is insane. For so long I thought about making him Seirios, which is the original Greek version of Sirius. But I felt like I had already messed with their names too much, and so I left it. but honestly I'm still torn. looking back, maybe it would have been the right move to make him Seirios and have Lily give him the name Sirius, but I guess we'll never know!

one of my favorite Sirius moments, and something that, essentially, sets up the rest of the story. but I wanted there to be a little ambiguity throughout the story about how much of this Sirius actually believes.

we know that James has just confessed to Sirius and Pétros that he was hoping they'd desert the Athenian army. we know that he thinks he's going to die, and he's adopted this sort of fatalist view of his future. and then here you have Sirius, who could never abide such a thing, pretty much leaning into the idea that Lily can tell the future – which would allow him to challenge James's prediction. I always wanted to leave it up to interpretation, and I know it comes up in later chapters (at the komos especially), Sirius's skepticism about Lily's origins. but it's such a fun question to ask: does he really believe that she's the Oracle that James prayed for, or does he just need that to be true so he can try and influence the future himself?

Chapter Three: Peribolos

omg. lol. the chapter three opening academic argument scene. this is a favorite of mine, and something I had so much fun writing. it's actually based on an argument/"spirited discussion" I had with my dad a few years ago about moral absolutism versus moral relativism which forced me to interrogate and expand my knowledge on the subject. I thought it was such a fun way to get into Lily's politics and her character without doing crazy exposition in the ancient world.

it also touches upon one of the touchstone themes of the story: that to study something is, in a way, to detach yourself from it. academia is routintely completely disconnected from its subject matter, and it creates this weird disdain for lived experience versus book knowledge. Lily has spent upwards of ten years studying (in some capacity) the ancient world, but she is so utterly out of her depth when she experiences it herself. as such, she espouses these very revolutionary politics when examining historical conflicts, but she has a blindness to what the real-world realities may have been for the people living in those conditions at the time.

alsooooo, The Return of Martin Guerre is one of my favorite books I read in college, and the easter egg here is that it's about a person of dubious origin entering a community and the politics of how the community might accept or reject them. ha ha!

^^based on something I said in an argument with a Poli Sci major in college and I have to say one of my better moments. was an absolute haymaker. this was very 'author gives main character a zinger' of me and I will not be ashamed of it

this! ladies and gentlemen! this was basically a declaration of love!!!! to be loved is to be remembered!!!

in a very romantic way, the study of history can be such an act of love to those who lived before us. i just adore the idea that, even before Lily developed real romantic feelings for James, she had this itching sort of feeling; AKA, when someone has made such an impression on you, and you know (or in her case, you think) that you'll be leaving them at some point, and you just want to be interesting enough, be impressive enough, that they remember you, that they think of you randomly as time goes on. that is such a giddy hallmark feeling of having a crush, in my book. I liken it to making eye contact with someone or having a brief conversation on a night out, maybe at 3am on your way back from a bar when things are sleepy and dizzy, and you just have this sense that you're being seen in that moment as anyone you want to be. i love this moment so much I feel like I could give it its own meta LMAO

Chapter Four: Hamartia

this chapter really put the pedal to to the metal lol. at the time of writing the story, I generally didn't (and still don't) love fake dating that much as a trope; I don't typically love plotlines predicated on (even harmless) deceptions, it's just a sensitivity of mine that I don't expect anyone to relate to or share. but when I was considering how to structure theog, it just made so much sense for James and Lily's arcs to have them get 'married.' there was no way that Lily was going to be able to navigate Classical Athens as an unsupervised woman alone, and even with the Oracle title offering her some protection, there was nothing really tying her to James. much like Outlander, it really did feel like the last possible resort, which softened me to the idea of using the trope.

fun fact, i got a snarky comment a few months ago complaining that i was trying to pass the story off as historically accurate (lol to the fifteen disclaimers I embedded throughout which addressed that) and one thing they took issue with was that lily wouldn't have been able to own property and the only thing that would have kept her from being a slave would have been marriage.

which! yknow! none of which contradict the story! but anyway I digress.

I was initially nervous about how early on the fake marriage happens; we don't really know the characters that well yet, we're not sure who James is as a potential partner to Lily, or how Lily's feelings for him are starting to bump up against her very rightful and justified desire to get the hell out of dodge. but – we only really see James in canon as a husband and as the father to the main character, so it felt pretty true to the source material to throw him into being a husband pretty early.

I loved writing this scene with Aristides. I've always been partial to his appearances throughout the story, and this one is just so special to me. I think of him as a driving force in humanizing the ancient world in theog, sometimes even more so than the main cast of characters. to elaborate a bit on that: with the Marauders and Lily and the other transplanted HP characters, I think there's this inherent sense that they are already fleshed out people (to some degree) even before they hit the page of the story, because they appear in canon and across Marauder fic verses. no matter how much I make James into Dimitrios and Peter into Pétros and Fleamont into Philoctetes, people know them and love them outside of theogony verse. but not Aristides. he doesn't have a one-to-one HP character. there is some version of him that really existed in 479 BCE (my complex and largely negative feelings on RPF are setting off alarms at this but we proceed) and that's it.

it would have been easy to just give him this very gruff and surly character, to make him a military general who didn't care about anything other than the war. I think that's how we conceptualize historical people sometimes, often without meaning to. but he was a person, and he had likes and dislikes, he probably had a family and maybe he'd fallen in love, and it was such an honor to give him such dimension. not to say that I'm putting that personality upon the actual historical person; but just to really take my time with a character outside of the Marauder canon. in this scene he has this human moment where he reminds James that, yes, love is a worthy pursuit, even to those in positions of incredible power. even when the discussion isn't about romantic love but about James's love for his closest friends. it's this permission that James didn't even know he was seeking but ultimately that changes the course of his and Lily's lives. Aristides is who James might become, in many ways. in the actual Plataea chapter this becomes more and more prevalent. (more on this later!)

overall, I am forever hoping that people come out of reading this story with an appreciation for the humanity of those that came before us. I did a poor job with other characters in this story, and I own that, but I'm proud of how I wrote Aristides.

oh my godddddd I fucking love this part. i am so fucking proud of it. LMAO. achieving wordplay in an ancient language that i have never studied should be on my fucking CV I swear. like this was just perfect I'm sorry I am BUZZING that I pulled this off.

also, a cute way to introduce a phrase to the narrative which will become very important: se filo!

I remember that I wrote this passage, which many people commented on and which I loved writing, in a coffee shop on a sunny day when my cousin was visiting me to introduce me to his girlfriend. there wasn't any wifi in the coffee shop so I was blessedly devoid of distractions and could only focus on the doc, and i was LOCKED IN let me tell you.

when my cousin and his girlfriend arrived I told them I was sending an important email and edited the last sentence of that paragraph about four different times while they sat in silence and waited for me to finish LMAOOO

Chapter Five: Ascesis

a profoundly insane moment in my personal history was reading excerpts from Eudemian Ethics, Nichomachean Ethics, and Memorabilia just to passively mention them in a flashback in a fic. relied heavily on Foucault for this, I will be so honest. why did i do that tho. like girl take a breath...

but in all seriousness this was just a joy to write. i miss being a history student and having these discussions – law school is great, but history classes will forever hold my heart ngl! also, this passage is in some ways an homage to my grandfather, who is one of my favorite people ever. he taught himself Classical Greek and Latin when he was in his 20s, before he went to medical school (and get his pilot's license for fun, he's seriously the most interesting guy alive). he gifted me his leatherbound Great Books printings of Aristotle's works and of the Iliad and the Odyssey shortly after I started theogony, and I cherish them so much. he spurred my interest in ancient greece when i was young. so this is for him :)

one of the hardest things for me to articulate (and maybe something I could have done better) was the war and the balance between James's inherent goodness and his growing feelings for Lily. i wanted her to have plausible reason to think that he doesn't at all feel romantically towards her, even as she's growing to admire him more and more. I hoped, as I wrote the story, that these little interactions where the reader clues into his feelings (this protective 'peninsula' moment being one of them) still walked that line. as in, i wanted lily to reasonably believe that he's just that good of a guy that he would take issue with anyone being taken advantage of, not just her. she's so destabilized in this moment as well, I think that worked to my advantage. or I hoped it did LOL.

from what I remember of writing this chapter, it just came really quickly and naturally. much more than the later ones. this early period of writing was just an outpouring of the ABSOLUTE BRAINROT I was going through after conjuring up the idea for the story. it just flew. the ending scene where they have their little almost-moment was probably about an hour's worth of writing. it's like I couldn't type fast enough to keep up with my thoughts. not sure i've experienced that since!

also, the now, here, alive line reappears in the last chapter, which is one of my favorite callbacks:

:) :) :)

Chapter Six: Kleos

one thing I used to worry about CONSTANTLY is that I was losing the classic (and necessary!) Marauder goofiness to the more somber setting. so it was a jaunt and a boon to write scenes like the opening one here, where it honestly could be copy-pasted into the Gryffindor Common Room and it'd look a lot like my canon stories.

he's just a dude being hungover and embarrassed about the previous night with his bros!

the first time we get a hint of Pétros disappearing to dubious locations!

this chapter was one of the most research-heavy. it was a new setting, filled with new characters, and predicated entirely upon planning the Greek front at Plataea. so if I couldn't nail that down (at least to some degree), I was going to have trouble. of course I took liberties, but I spent a lot longer combing through sources for this chapter than some other ones, I'll tell you that for free. it took ages to find any treatises on ancient athenian sword combat, sigh.

yeah I mean i remember thinking that the subtitle for this chapter could have been 'I am going to create an environment that is so toxically masculine' because that's pretty much the whole vibe. James is not immune to that, either, and that was intentional. he feeds off of the violence and the anger of the men surrounding him, and he exhibits some behaviors in this chapter (rushing off to kill Anaxagoras after he grabs Lily's arm, for instance) which are not ideal! but I do think that there's meaningful conversation to be had about Lily's cultural assimilation into an ancient, misogynistic society, and how there was absolutely no way I was going to get out of this story without giving James some sort of period-typical attitude. now again, I took the liberties I deem necessary, because I have no desire to make my main romantic lead into an asshole. that's not my James Potter. not that that's news [gets taken out by a sniper]

i got CLOWNEDDD for referring to this dude as Dion son of Dion but idk what to tell you!! that's how the old documents referred to him!!! i didn't make that shit up I swear to god!!!!

also - that's the actual text of the Oath of Plataea, except (as Lily points out) it should read Athena Areia. is it likey that she'd remember this off the dome? no. is it possible that she just recognized the missing descriptor from context clues? yes. did i care enough to explain this either way? no, no i did not.

the Big Ticket Item of this chapter, though, is the oh.

and it wasn't just an oh, it was an oh followed by this innocuous conclusion that isn't even about Lily. i made myself laugh so hard with that. he's just like 'oh god my friend is going to wave this over my head FOREVER' and you know what? he's right!

as for the previous paragraph in that passage, I pulled a bit of a bait and switch, but not as badly as you might think! it was a risk to even bring up the idea that James could leave Athens, because I know it spurred some people into thinking that he'd go to the future with Lily (sorry babies that was not on the table). but what I intended for this passage (however successful it may or may not have been) was to just…allow him a moment of real, visceral empathy for the sensation of displacement that Lily's experiencing, and as well, introduce the idea that he might leave the life he's cultivated in Athens. his entire upbringing has been himself, the consummate Athenian man, surrounding himself with people from outside of Athens and drawing from their experiences, but never venturing outside of his little realm. in so many ways, the story questions what Lily's relationship with 'home' is (especially later on), but it always felt necessary to me to reckon with how 'home' may change for James as well.

finally:

yeah honestly i just remember the exact moment i thought of this passage. i had been reading the secret history (shoutout Donna Tartt i idolize and fear you) and i was lying down in my local park in the summer. I just thought about the Greek myths I knew, and the kind of cosmic horror that it is to really admit you're falling in love with someone, that they have this power over you that you didn't anticipate. and that closing line of the scene really struck me out of nowhere – I wrote it down in my notebook and just stared at it for a good few minutes. it's still one of my favs of the story :)

ok! if you made it this far, you are just amazing. this has to be a few thousand words at least. TYSM!!!!

see you all later for the part 2 BTS ❤️

[setaflow]

10 Characters, 10 Fandoms, 10 Tags

Good morning!

Tagged by @ghostoffuturespast on my main blog and both @seeker-of-truth and @ouroboros-hideout on my sideblog-- for the sake of keeping everything jointed I'll post this on my main lol.

Buckle in folks this one's a doozy.

Connor Kenway/Ratonhnhaké:ton (Assassin's Creed III)

Even as the years go by, Connor was the character I made a Tumblr account for and pretty much the only reason I bother still paying attention to Assassin's Creed as a franchise anymore. I was there, man. I was there when everyone in the fandom and their mothers hated this guy, but I will still defend him even with my goddamn life. Characters that go through intense tragedy after intense tragedy and still come out the other side gentle and optimistic are my lifeblood.

2. Johnny Silverhand (Cyberpunk 2077)

(People who follow me for my sideblog make a Surprised Pikachu Face at this placement) My gross rat bastard man I love you I hate you I love you. An intensely tortured character with arguably more negative personality traits than positive ones, but who he is and even why he is is so engaging and tragic that you almost forget he's supposed to be getting on your nerves for most of the game's runtime. Damn you Keanu Reeves and your effortless dorky charisma.

3. Arthur Morgan (Red Dead Redemption 2)

Arthur baby you deserved the world. An insanely complex character with gray morals and a jaded worldview who could never do right no matter how hard he tried until the one moment where it mattered most. I loved John in RDR1 and didn't really expect to get so attached to Arthur, but R* truly did grab me by the shoulders and said "Bet, bitch". To this day, the fact that I never finished that 200k+ word OC fic disguised as an Arthur character study still haunts me.

4. Korra (Avatar: The Legend of Korra)

As someone who'd watched the original Last Airbender series as it aired when I was a kid, I was super excited for a female Avatar when the series was announced back in...god, was I in high school? The point being-- when the show started really hitting it's stride with Korra's character in season 3 I was beyond hooked, and I loved season 4 probably a lot more than I think I should've, but MAN, was it a fun ride. Korra is a character and a show that both got severely panned and honestly I think once you get out of the mindset that you aren't watching Aang 2.0 you'll have a much funner time.

5. Steve Harrington (Stranger Things)

Maybe not as much in later seasons when they really leaned off his popularity + Joe Keery's charisma, but lemme tell y'all season 2 Steve had me in a bonafide stranglehold for two years. "Character stepping up to a leadership role and then getting forcibly adopted by the people they're leading" is one of my favorite tropes and the reason that it worked so well in S2 is partly because the concern of Steve still kinda/sorta had the potential to swing back towards being the bully archetype he showed shades of in S1, so you got to see his relationship with the kids start off as kinda selfish but grow into a genuine protectiveness. GOD this was a top tier man y'all! We had it so good!

6. Rosa Diaz (Brooklyn 99)

Maybe this is coming off the fact that my roommate and I literally just finished binge watching B99 for like the fifth time? But I forgot how much I actually really liked Rosa. One of the best sitcom deadpan snarkers of recent years and I personally liked that they affirmed that she didn't need to see herself settling down to be happy. I'm glad this role basically launched Stephanie Beatriz's career because she truly is the unsung hero of this show's comedy and heart and never really gets enough credit for it imho.

7. Melissa Schemmenti (Abbott Elementary)

Every single time I watch Abbott Elementary. Every. Single. Time. Someone looks at me when Schemmenti appears on screen and goes "Wow, she acts a lot like you do!". And I have to sigh and nod and pretend I don't see it lol. Though unfortunately our differing football opinions means we would probably end up in a fistfight.

8. Takashi "Shiro" Shirogane (Voltron: Legendary Defender)

I will never forgive the VLD showrunners for dropping a nuke on Shiro's character development. Seasons 1-2 Shiro was some of most fun I've ever had following a protagionist's journey to conquer his inner struggles and solely for that, I still have a massive soft spot for him. Dreamworks think about how you massacred my boy and feel bad for it.

9. Benjamin "Benji" Ovich (Beartown Series)

This gif is from the HBO Nordic series (haven't watched it, desperately still want to, don't know if I even can at this point lol), but I'm specifically talking about Benji from the Beartown book trilogy. He evolves into the series deuteragonist alongside Maya and god, he is just such a tragic character who deserves all the world and more. Go read Beartown and scream at me for it.

10. Joey Tribbiani (Friends)

"Characters I See a Lot of Myself In 2: Electric Boogaloo". Joey is the best friend in the entire cast there I said it. Honestly my ideal relationship is a funny overly-assured man who loves the New York Rangers, loves his friends intensely, and has dumb himbo energy. The loud Italian family is just an added bonus.

Uhhhhh who hasn't been tagged yet sorry guys I was late to the party on this one lmao.

[lunapwrites]

LP's Playlist Masterlist

If something sits still long enough I'll probably make a playlist about it, so here's the playlists I've made either for my writing or for challenges within the fandom.

A generic Wolfstar Playlist if you want a themed easy listening storymode version (angst included, but it's a HFN ending with soft sad vibes.) Made this to share on HPFC if I remember correctly, so it's specifically meant to be accessible lol. Listen in order.

The playlist for Where the Wild Thyme Grows, spooky sludgy dark vibes. Weird AF. Shamefully lacking in Mammoth Weed Wizard Bastard. Great for writing horror tho. Shuffle OK.

The followup to the previous which is currently just vibes, a title, and the opening scene lol. Still dark and spooky but a little more haunted fae energy and less sludge. Shuffle OK.

MURDERWIVES. This is the three knocks playlist. Lots of post-punk and related vibes on this bitch. DAMN fun to drive to. Shuffle OK.

The ship that should not have sailed aka the cursed Remus/Ginny fic that I have a love/hate relationship with lol. Good for writing stories where the romantic leads ALSO don't want to be doing what they're doing. Shuffle OK.

When you need to feel like someone died. The Ouroboros playlist is a damn funeral march, but in like. A raw and slightly angry sort of way. Like imagine being at someone's deathbed, except you have Very Complicated Feelings about them that will probably never be resolved and you just need to make peace with that- oh, that's just the fic. Well. Here you go then. In order preferred, but shuffle OK.

A Sirius-specific playlist for a very specific Sirius that never actually ended up going anywhere but still has my heart. Also the playlist is just objectively very fun, even if there is a song on there that I actually just don't care for in hindsight. (Mother Mother is very hit or miss for me, sorry. But I was committed to the bit.) Shuffle OK.

A Remus-specific playlist, but not from his POV. Curated for a challenge. Still great fun. There is so much fucking Phoebe Bridgers and Mitski on this mfer lol. Listen in order AND on loop for best effect.

Hey so what if we made a Marauders Dark!Fic. One day I'll finish writing this thing. Too many projects. :( Anyway this is uh. A major departure from the others, and more akin to my foundational musical taste (hence why it's the longest lol.) I probably will never stop giggling about the fact that there is precisely one (1) Fall Out Boy on this one and it's very much the odd man out lmao. Great for writing action scenes with a lot of violence, physical or otherwise. Best on shuffle.

I have also chunked up relevant parts of the main All Things In Orbit Playlist which is way too long and now actually a bit outdated to add here.

Remus Lupin's Depression Hour also known as the Lost Dogs soundtrack. Covers the time from just before Halloween 1981 through the events just before Sirius breaks out of Azkaban, as covered in the ATIO-verse. CW: for themes of suicide and drug addiction. Listen in order.

Also including the LTL playlist. Literally, just the bit that's LTL. Cut out all the other crap around it from the dying embers of No Code, and the not yet published bits from Rearviewmirror. I was at one point trying to keep all the music in era, but that didn't stick well because I was spending more time researching music than writing. Once again, does best in order if you want to follow the plot. Otherwise shuffle away.

(Note: Tumblr apparently cuts you off at 10 audios. Boo.)

Anyway, this is all I've got for now. Feel free to give it a listen if you want!

[uwusillygirl]

i truly loved reading your thoughts about this. it would be so fun if maybe you could occasionally post recs of your favorite books/movies/shows and maybe briefly share opinions on them? only if that would be fun for you of course! i'm just saying i, and i'm positive many of your readers/followers, would be delighted to see them!

you are absolutely right regarding NP featuring a parade of horrifying clueless men masquerading as doms where all of marianne's masochistic tendencies seem to get repeatedly exploited without the scenes being "resolved" in any meaningful or helpful way. & instead of an ideal result of her feeling somewhat better and at peace, they leave her the same raw bleeding wound of a girl. and your take on connell needing to prove to himself he's good and good TO marianne when in reality many times he has been anything but... really brilliant. i don't think i've ever thought of it that way, as lost as i was in my harrumphing about what i took as rooney's repeated portrayal of slow vanilla sex being equated to true quasi-soulmate-bond love and affection. though i am first to admit i am a very sensitive girl who will immediately take things to heart if i see myself in a piece of fiction, and sometimes miss the bigger literary analysis picture. i'm so glad i sent an ask! also lol @ paul and daisy definitely sacrificing some canon information to say get behind me BDSM baddies of all types we got y'all. (also idk if you've seen/heard but paul mescal is in a film called "aftersun" that i believe is playing in select theaters right now which from my understanding is a very dreamy and melancholy potentially-hysterical-tear-inducing two hours of him being a young girl dad. i have not seen it yet because i think it might actually break my brain in a very dangerous way that i am not equipped for atm, and i am already pre-mourning my sanity and emotional stability for when i finally bite the bullet)

also as someone who has full on sobbed to your beautiful cathartic words many times over, i am grateful to you for exploring freaky mentally unstable girls who maybe should re-evaluate their relationship to sex but also maybe shouldn't because sometimes it's ok to be insane and slutty if you have a partner to support you through it! if drugs can't fix you maybe having 15 orgasms in a row can! even though i think i am different from your chrissy in many ways, i have never felt so validated by a character and never felt so hopeful and fulfilled seeing her clawing her way to happiness. sometimes it feels like you've taken stuff from the darkest stickiest ugliest parts of my brain and put it on paper and i'm like ok well now i've got to have a three week crisis to deal with this now, except it usually ends in some necessary acceptance and potential healing and always at least a temporary period of bright hope for the future (which is so difficult to come by some days). so thank YOU!

i loved reading what you had to say, as well! thank you so much for sharing (u actually got my brain all crazy and now i'm writing a little something that'll hopefully be up tonight lmao)! i would be SO happy to share recs (including ones tailored to specific interests!) if that's something people would like! anyone can lmk! i watch and read a shit ton for my work, actually, so i'm always so happy to share thoughts. it'll give my loved ones a break from my random excitable rants, too.

going a little out of order here, but i have found that the day i let go of trying to understand, rid of, or narrativize my sexuality, gender expression, and sexual interests and just say "whether it came from some event or is inherent or is a choice, it just is what it is, and that's okay" it paradoxically became way less of an issue for me, and way easier to express what i like and want just for the sake of it. in my opinion, there's only so much exploring we can do before it becomes a sort of ouroboros of "i'm trying to work stuff out for me" turning into "i'm trying to be sexually palatable in a new way".

"get behind me bdsm baddies" is so fucking funny. i have actually seen aftersun and was one of the original hysterical criers over it. i can confirm it is a life ruiner, and yet i'm going in for a rewatch on sunday. best movie of the year in my opinion!

i am so flattered that first one's free has moved you! it's more than okay to be insane and slutty! i don't know you, but can pretty confidently say that your darkest stickiest ugliest parts of your brain are not that bad if my chrissy expresses them - she may think she's a mess but i think she (and anyone who resonates with her) is doing just great and is a good person deserving of good things <3 if i didn't believe that then i'd also be so fucked lmao.

hope the near future brings you those good things! glad to hear you're finding spaces to feel hopeful.

please send an ask whenever, i'm so glad you reached out!

[byrdieyadroit]

The Ouroboros Cycle

Summary:

Lady Virginia's Grand Tour is cut short when a letter arrives that her father, the 9th Earl of Devon, Lord Maitland Fillery, has been thrown off his horse. Adding to the traumatic news is the death of her best friend and fiancé, Christopher "Cat" Selwyn, who she was due to marry at the end of the year. Returning to England, Virginia stays with the Selwyns after her father's funeral to mourn with her would-have-been sister-in-law Maria "Mouse" Selwyn. Although glad to be away from her own family, the stay at Selwyn Castle brings back painful memories and “unnatural feelings” that Virginia had hoped to get rid of while on the continent.

pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x Original Female Character

warnings: NC 17, homophobia, internalised homophobia, religious guilt/shame

content: romantic female friendship, one-sided crush, sapphic imagery, future love triangle, story set-up

A/N: This isn't a benedictx!reader fic sorry. This is a prologue to a longer series I'm writing. Just a little bit of fun to get myself writing again after a long hiatus.

Mild spoilers: Benedict actually doesn't feature in this chapter (but is mentioned), so you can go ahead and skip this one if you'd like (unless you're a fan of sapphic angst lol) - I'll post the next chapter when its ready.

Read the rest here (Ao3): link

An extract:

Maria’s room wasn’t far from her own and the walk was one she had made a thousand times when she spent many a summer at the castle in childhood. The maid announced Virginia’s presence and bade her entrance. Maria was at her toiletta near the fireplace. She turned and smiled.

“You’ve come to bid me goodnight?” Her charming prominent front teeth peered through her parted lips.

“Indubitably my dear”.

Virginia leaned in to give Maria a kiss on the forehead. Maria handed her a comb from her table and Virginia began to run it through her brown hair. It felt so normal in that moment, as if the months past had been a dream that happened to another family in another part of the world. The girls talked about how quickly the autumn had come, how the hunt had been cancelled, how the lake had frozen over and people were clambering to skate on its surface, about the games at the Autumn’s Fair and on and on.

Virginia liked when Maria allowed her this intimacy and it embarrassed her that she sometimes craved it. She counted it as one of her favourite pastimes, for them to be alone with one another. The warm-smelling hair brushed against her palms and the collar of her nightdress fell away from her neck which made Virginia fall back a little. Mercy , she repeated inwardly, Mercy - alas but a woman’s name to her now.  Due to her late illness, the hair had thinned and her maids had shortened it down to her shoulders. It had previously gone down to her hips but Maria had said she welcomed the change as it left her head lighter. 

“What does the future hold for us now?” Maria mused with her eyes closed. Virginia hadn’t wanted to think about the future because it made her focus on the past.

“Well, you are now the new heir. I suppose I should be calling you Countess of Arundell. And I will be shipped off to a convent on the continent to spare my family from the condescension of the ton”. 

Maria sharply moved her head away and looked up at Virginia.

“Don’t jest!”

Virginia couldn’t help herself from affecting her renowned sly smile. Maria pouted and got up from the chair she was sitting on and moved to lay on her bed, blowing out the candles as she went.

“Mouse you are always so easy to nettle!” 

Maria held her arms out and Virginia obediently followed towards the bed and fell into them, the girls giggled and managed to roll themselves under the blanket. 

“Did I upset you really?” Virginia whispered.

“Take back what you said and I shall be a friend again” muffled Maria.

“It was just a jolly Mousey. I am your companion forever.”

“Move closer”. 

Alarm shot through Virginia as she intentionally moved to the far end of the bed but she obeyed nonetheless, ever the faithful servant. Whatever Maria would ask of her, she would do it. Maria looked into Virginia’s eyes with so much fervour that Virginia was scared a fever would come. 

“I am alone now that Cat is gone. We were quarantined apart when we fell ill and so I was away from him when he died. My dear brother died without me being there...” Tears fell on the pillow but her eyes remained fixed. “It feels as if a part of me died with him, Virgie.”

Virginia had moved closer to wipe away Maria’s tears and held her hands there, thumbing away the drops as they came. 

“I can’t tell you how much your letters meant to me. I had Harriet read them out for me when it came that I could not muster the strength. Some of them lie unopened still”.

“I am glad that it brought you comfort. I wish I had been more diligent and swifter in my correspondence. Will you forgive me for that?” 

The girls' foreheads were touching now. The room was heated earlier and under the blankets their skin began to bleed sweat.

“There is nothing to forgive.” Maria closed her eyes for a second.

“Only say you will always write and never cease”. She opened them again and they were misty with tears.

Why the constant promises today? Had she and Cat spoken regarding herself before the illness befell them both? Had she not been a good and loyal friend? Had she put distance between them when their letters had slowed? Or was it something else?

“Is there something you want to tell me, Mouse?”

This caught Maria still and her eyes dropped down to the sheets. She bit down on her lower lip and looked up again - pain burrowed in her brow.

“Is it so obvious? Do not look at me with such alarm.” 

“You are alarming me, my dove. Speak freely” Virginia had hoped her tone was not too hard but it was making her panic. There were things she too would wish to say.

“When I think of it, when I try to put it into words, the thing I want to confess..a great shame comes over me.”

Shame is a feeling Virginia knew all too well. But how could her pure Maria have ever felt such a thing. She refused the thought.

“There is no association between you and shame that I will ever acknowledge. You are the most pure and good amongst women that I have ever been lucky to be acquainted. It must not be shame you feel but…modesty mayhaps.” Virginia tried to convince her, or rather herself, that it must be it, modesty not shame, never shame.

“Modesty and shame share the same Latin root but they mean entirely different things in our tongue. Is it not shame in the face of God but modesty? Modesty protects us when you choose it and it is a testament to your immaculacy. Shame…but hides you from truth. Subjugates you under its merciless eye.” 

Virginia sounded as if she spoke more to herself than to Maria. She tried to still her breaths but they only grew harder.

“Modesty, Virginia? The feelings I carry are hardly modest…” She furrowed her brow and seemed to be in distant thought.

“I too have such thoughts. Feelings without words to convey them. Is this your meaning?”. 

Virginia’s chest rose and fell quickly. She was searching for Maria’s reaction in the dark who had still been silent.

“Things that might’nt be spoken of for fear of…renunciation from the ones you care about more than anything in the world.”

“Then you understand me Virgie?” she finally replied.

“Yes”.

She had wished now that she had not confessed this. Whatever words she chose next would not stop the influence of corruption by which she had initiated when she put her question to Maria. She could not tell in the dark, under the blanket but she felt as though Maria was smiling at her. The tears had stopped. Maria took Virginia’s hands from her face and into her own and pulled her closer into an embrace. She rested her head onto her hot chest. 

“You’re animated, forgive me. I didn’t mean to start you into a panic”. 

The giggle that came from her sounded almost cruel.

“You can do or start what you will, Mousey, I’ll endure”. 

Virginia took in deep breaths to calm herself, she could smell the flower water in Maria's hair. 

“But you understand me?”

Virginia was silent for a while, her hand calmly caressing up and down Maria’s back.

“Yes. We will talk more in the morn. Sleep now sweet girl”. 

“In the morning then. Goodnight.”

“Sleep well and I pray your dreams take you, not too far away from me” Virginia whispered into her ear.

Read the rest here! (Ao3): link

[plutonium-sky]

Hey but what if.... skids but dragons

I drew a surprising amount of doodles for this idea at this point, wow- Anyways! I don't think I posted ANY of this to tumblr, so enjoy my various doods of this idea lol

Everything (including the scarce ideas i already have about this) under cut

I'm gonna start with the list of thoughts that I already have for this whole shenaniganery.

All hatchlings look approximately the same, and the way they look as they grow up depends on where they grow, among other things. Still a rough idea. They looks approximately like the image below.

Of course, parents and whatanot also play a big role, but that's the absolute blank version probably.

They mutate every time they go to Eden- or whatever is the equivalent of Eden there. Otherwise, it would be extremely painful to be a growing dragon. Very, very, very painful.

List of what realm is populated with what type of dragon the most (read: most, not all)

Isle: Land drakes, tend to be wingless and, if they do have wings, flightless (but not always.) Don't underestimate them, though- they have other means of transport! Whether it be burrowing or very strong jumping and high speeds of running, they can get around even without their wings.

Prairie: Chinese! Long! And Wyrms! Also wingless, but not necessarily flightless! How? I don't know, have fun with that. Although, Prairie has the most diverse amount of dragons.

Forest: Insect dragons! Or at least real fluffy. The rain is cold and the sun barely touches them, they have to keep warm SOMEHOW! (also, insect dragons are underrated. and not everyone realizes that dragons CAN be fluffy.)

Valley: Wyverns! Speedsters, they are. Tend to be on the smaller side, but they're a blast to hang out with.

Wasteland: aquatic! Gills, lots of fins, and in some cases slimy. Just very good at swimming, but some of them Can fly and most of them can come onto the water too!

Vault: Hydra. More brains to accomodate all that knowledge, they don't need the flight that much, with all that technology they are using! But otherwise they are very good climbers and swimmers (I definitely didn't run out of ideas for uniqueish dragons at this point. Help.)

Eden: The beast watches. (Aka idfk. Let's go with worms. Really, really, really absurdly long ones. Perhaps even like ouroboros.)

FIRST OFF FOR IMAGES: Iez and Cackling Cannoneer dragon sketches from like 4 months ago!! Iez is fluffy, and I wanna make her more insectoid later. However I am completely happy with Cannoneer's design.

Second off: me contacting @ejsuperstar and whining at them about dragons, subsequently drawing Dragon, Local Baby, and Injured messenger as dragons!

And a few more doodles of dragon Cannoneer and Iez with the slightest bit of design changes

Anyways, next batch: Me talking at @serene-sky-kid and then drawing THREE versions of dragon Serene

And then, the stuff from today: Me randomly taking my sky lore buddy's oc ( @iamherefortrains ) and dragonifying them. Alongside dragonifying the valley twins

Elders, as a treat, get to continue being HUGE. And! Also! Extra limbs!! The twins have TWO sets of wings!! And they're also still kinda the big shots of the whole place. Elder dragons!

For your information, I have no idea where this is going. Feel free to pitch in with ideas because it's just been brewing in my head with barely anything new. Cheers!

[billiewena]

SPN 14x14 Ouroboros // Jennifer’s Body (2009) Deleted Scene // Jennifer’s Body (2009)

when you’re a monster who COULD prey on both men and women but choose to prey on men just because you can (aka wtf bisexual little gorgon)

[ambiguousdisorderken]

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

 Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel.  Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” //  Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

 Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23  – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

 Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references. 

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

 Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

 Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

 Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

 Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is). 

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

[blizabrth]

wip junk

tag games, am i right!? i always lose track of these lol, oops haha. i was tagged by @sothischickshe to gesture vaguely about my wips. i have a lot more wishful wips than this, but these are the ones that i am either currently toying with and/or have Actual Substance thusfar:

A VERY ACTIVE IMAGINATION

i was originally dabbling with this as a longer-form fic, but when i had stepped back for a bit and returned to it, i realized what i had was best as separate vignettes, so i started posting these little fantasies recently under a series. also selfishly because i was overthinking too much and started to doubt what i was writing, so i really just wanted to post things and put them out there to be read. ANYWAY! the next installation i'm working on is 'the dealership', where beth fantasizes about all the dirty, dirty things she and rio could get up to within those glass walls... (what's that about throwing stones?) after that i have thoughts on creating vignettes focusing on The Loft and The Gun, and others, but those are the two subjects that are prominent in planning right now.

THE THORN

@sothischickshe sent in an intimacy prompt a million years ago for "kissing scars" and it's become a monster of a rio character study. the problem is, i'm not sure if i can pull it off? to me, rio is suuuuper emotional. and i know we like to talk about how repressed beth is but like damn look at rio lmao, king doesn't know how to communicate for shit either. as i've worked on this draft, a handful of ~flashbacks have happened too, which are daunting. i explore rio's self-confidence and try to break that down from his perspective; i also attempt to explain the very conservative wardrobe we've seen post-s2 finale. ultimately, it's a complicated wip that i've been toying with a lot. but i recently took a little break from looking at it and then came back last night to read what i had and liked it so! i guess that's promising. hopefully i can finish a first draft and move forward lol.

OUROBOROS (working title lol)

i wanted this to be a simple pwp featuring some in vino veritas... and i GUESS it still is, technically, because they still just go to town on each other but there's also a lot of other working parts that i'm trying to get right. i'm not sure when in the timeline this happens? probably somewhere in an ideal season 3 where the death divorce actually happens or something, idk. anyway, beth is at rio's bar and then she starts talking a lot and spills a lot of her guts and then they have very intense sex all night long lol. the 'ouroboros' working title is a reference to 69ing, it's not that deep i swear. they just want to devour each other.

MELT + A FIVOLOUS PURCHASE

i'm grouping these two together because i'm realizing they are inspired by the same thing: it's so fucking hot where i live right now and i want to take it out on brio. melt is pure pwp ice-play fic, i plucked it out of the ouroboros wip because it didn't exactly fit and well that's it. a fivolous purchase disregards the living room hot tub and turns it into beth buying an above-ground pool and then rio comes over to bother her take a dip. i'm trying to keep it light-hearted/funny while also still sexy. a particularly fun thing i'm playing with in these especially: TEMPERATURE. we've got ice vs intense summer sunshine heat. it's been fun to write the different sensory descriptions here.

BETH X PHOEBE 4X06 CANON DIVERGENCE

this one might actually end up a 2 or 3-part something. i've been working on it since the ep aired. i know beth x phoebe isn't a popular ship by any means so this is pure self-indulgence. i am hesitant to post though because i'd probably consider it a "DEAD DOVE: DO NOT EAT" fic and idk how to handle that??? idk. i don't care but i don't want people to judge me lmfao, so i may never post it. still, i degrade a cop in it so that's fun.

DREAM WIPS (things i have thought about a lot but haven't written much/anything for)

listed here are my working titles for these ideas. i will expand upon any of these if anyone is interested, just shoot me an ask! FOODIE AU / PIT STOP / THE SILENT TREATMENT / SOCCER MAMI / LINGERIE SHOPPING AVEC RUBY / TO CATCH A THIEF / BATHOME4 IS ONLINE / MANGOES ON THE BEACH PWP / FOUR TIMES BETH WAS PREGNANT AND ONE TIME SHE WASN'T

jfc i wish i could write as prolifically in my actual docs as i do when i just ramble about what i want to write...but anyway so these are my ideas. i'm tinkering a lot. i get in my head a lot and start feeling like my writing isn't good/no one wants this and talk myself out of it way too often, so i used this as an opportunity to try and take an objective look at what i'm writing and you know.... yeah! i like these ideas! a lot! i want to finish them and share them!

tagging for the rambles (but absolutely no pressure): @sothischickshe (tag back biotch), @inyoursheets, @daydreamstew, @foxmagpie, @pynkhues, @dragonturtle, and anyone else who thinks this is fun/will help them write!!! it's a fun exercise i promise! <3

[buttered-ghost-toast]

phew! Okay, this took me kinda a while, but @the-derp-zone​  tagged me in a fun game earlier and I’m just now finished with setting it up lol.  Okay, so...I’m not naming any tags other than probably @nobody-is-typing​, but if you wanna do this, feel free to check out the link above ^^^^^^^^^^^^ for the original post! There are blank bases included for you to work off of :)

Where would Niri’s pact marks with the demons be?!

I haven’t drawn a female body in like 2037402873 years so please forgive the mess lol. Also she’s in workout gear because...she can’t be out here naked.

Lucifer: Left hand. Symbolizes a connection to the heart. The two grow fairly close to one another during the exchange program. He said it’s fitting since she’s the only human he’s let into his heart in however long humans have existed. There’s always a bond between the hearts of family. 

Mammon: Right hip. He wanted prime real estate and this is a spot conveniently between two large preexisting tattoos. Mammon felt this was a good spot for him to always be since he’s a piece of art himself, right in the middle of everything else Niri loves. 

Levi: Mid belly. Levi, being the avatar of envy, wanted to make sure he got his mark front and center. Just where he hope he will always be in Niri’s life. 

Satan: Left forearm. No particular reason behind it other than he liked the space and it wasn’t covered in ink already. 

Asmodeus: Left breast. He wanted to claim Niri’s heart, even if just symbolically. 

Beelzebub: Left inner thigh. The two have a fairly tight connection so he knew his mark would be fairly large and had to find a pretty open spot for it to go. Hey, he did always really like her legs. 👀

Belphegor: Left shoulder. Despite how rocky their relationship can be sometimes, Belphie feels that Niri is a decent human and she’s always set anything aside when he or his brothers needed a shoulder. This was his way of saying he would be happy to return the favor...with a few smart remarks worked in.

Bonus Because I had to work my main dude in there somewhere. 

Astaroth: Full upper back. 

There’s a very deep connection between these two and each hold many secrets for the other during their time together. When the pact was forged, Asta placed his seal at the center top of Niri’s back, signifying he would always protect her. The next morning there was a ghost of an ouroboros surrounding the mark and spanning the human’s upper back. Astaroth says he’d never seen his mark do something like that before. Neither is sure what exactly happened. The ouroboros is a symbol of wholeness or infinity. 

[astroellipse]

long post time again. spoilers ahead, not naming names or tagging tags outside the cut ‘cause i realize i don’t want it actually showin up in a tag :p

i started writing one yesterday but got distracted many times and ended up not writing for long patches and come midnight i was too tired to try to add onto it so i just deleted it lol. really wish i hadn’t, some bits are already getting hazy and i know a lot of crazy stuff happened that i would have liked to remember my initial reactions to.

the last one i made i left off at right at the beginning of the game, with the homecoming performed by woman-that-is-probably-melia. since then the full aprty has been formed and they’ve all become ouroboros, curiously sometimes the group is referred to singularly as ouroboros, like explicitly like they’re one thing, which is interesting because whenever a consul becomes one of those monsters they’re called moebius, always referred to as the same moebius even if they look different and are obviously different people.

speaking of the consuls, uhhhh they’re fuckin weird! i love them, and that they’re all so theatrical. there was a bit at the colony where you smash your first flame clock where the guy in his moebius form does a silly little walk waving his hands (again while turned into a hulking very solid looking monster) and it was the funniest thing i’ve seen so far. i think it’s interesting that there are so many, and while they mostly seem to have similar personalities they do also seem to have their quirks, but not to the point that i could differentiate between them, and i think that’s supposed to be the point. they’re all very similar in design and wear those closed helmets and all. oh their designs are also interesting, they don’t look like they’re made to look very cool or visually striking, which is interesting considering how flamboyant their personalities are. again though there are so many of them...

also related, i think it’s interesting that nobody yet has questioned or discussed why they were set on filling flame clocks int he first place if they aren’t really crucial to their survival. i think the answer is apparent that the consuls or perhaps someone they serve are actually the ones surviving off of the lifeforce of the fallen, and the flameclocks are just there for collection purposes, mimicking zanza’s plan in xb1 but much, much more gradual

plot is very good so far, relatively straight forward. there’s obviously more to it than we can see right now. we haven’t been introduced to the queens, or noah-but-evil, or purple shadowy man, and we don’t know why the consuls are old, or why most people are born in tubes and die after 10 terms, or what’s up with swordmarch, or why the hell there’s a bunch of xcx concepts here please oh my god actually tie it in don’t make these simply references.

combat is good, looks like they took the best bits out of all 3 games. i do still wish there are more specific descriptions for buffs in terms of effect and duration, but that’s like my one complaint. there are so many classes and i am going to level them all on EVERYONE i will be playing this game forever and i look forward to it. the classes are definitely super simplistic, which really encourages you to play around with different ones. i wonder if anyone’s actually taken issue with that, people that just want to stick to the one class...

and then, the exploration in this game is really fun, so are all of the sidequests. they’re all really good. every single sidequest actually contributes to the characters or story, so much content, like fully voiced lengthy scenarios, seem to be completely optional, which is amazing. and besides that there’s just so many places to explore... i do wish there was a sprint button or somethin it can get a little tedious sometimes just cause these areas are so big. and i won’t lie, none of these areas have really impressed me visually yet.

but that’s just an issue with the game overall, being made on the switch and all. i enjoy how the characters look, don’t so much enjoy the environments. maybe it just comes with them trying to tone down the colors for this one, making everything look less fantasy which i’m now realizing very much worked in xb2′s favor, so far i actually think i like how that game looked environment-wise more than this one.

and then the last thing i think i have for this little reflection section is that i love love love the main cast they’re all so fun and i look forward to getting to see some of them more fleshed out, definitely need more on the agnus members. especially mio, even if she’s gotten the most spotlight out of any of them so far. issue there is she’s mostly just been a reflection of noah? idk. i think taion’s my favorite so far. his character archetype there is always my favorite. at one point someone said to him somethin like “woah, you were right!” and he said “naturally” and pushed on his glasses dramatically and i fuckin giggled like a schoolgirl it was terrible. and the worst thing is he’s not even my fictional crush for this game it’s fucking LANZ! i don’t know i guess i just like taion an abnormal amount.

and nowww to continue the game, there’s more i could say about the characters but i don’t feel like it rn

alright. on a sidequest to pick up the hero teach and smash his colony’s flame clock. this dude’s putting his arms behind his back and part of his sleeve is clipping clear through another part i hate that. and ok, he did bring us here to kill us. i was right. i thought that in the beginning then he started like, lecturing the group so i thought ok maybe he’s just testing them? actually maybe he still is???

aw this is a bullshit encounter. was barely into what was gonna be a really good chain attack, and the second he gets below half health (not even halfway through my chain attack >:T) it’s “We can’t take him down and he’s just one guy?” like yes we coulda dumbass! the game’s just being silly. i may also be overleveled because i’ve done probably more sidecontent than i should have by now but shhh

oh, it was a trial. this consul g has the dumbest helmet i’ve seen so far. oh this moebius is purple! that’s fun. i wonder when we’ll get to see mr. wild ride again. he fucking slam-dunk insta-killed me lmfao!!!! what!!!!! was it because i tore aggro?????? this dual-weilder class seems to be very good at that but still the man fucking grabbed me and slammed me into the ground that was hilarious. nvm he did it to taion too i guess he just Does that

man along with a bunch of other systems and elements this gasme also appears to have inherited xcx’s way-too-loud music sometimes i have a hard time hearing wtf they’re trying to say in these cutcsenes

hehe there was a decently long quiz section and i got everything right! i mean i should, most of it was just game mechanics that have been around forever, but still!

okay it’s been a bit. i’ve spent. entirely too long exploring this desert. finally found the cave leading to the place i’ve been trying to get to forever. i saw someone mention a puzzle cave earlier, i suppose this is it. it appears to be mimicking an annihilation event??? who the hell put this hear. oh also earlier during that quiz i found out annihilation events are explicitly caused by black fog? i guess i missed that before but still wtf

oh. nopons. the door talks similarly to a nopon and it’s got the marking on it. never mind then! but still, why did nopons build these and based on annihilation vents?? e_e

also i am getting to be so overleveled goodness gracious. i’m at like, 6 levels? over where i’m supposed to be which in this game is quite a bit of difference i think. 7 now T_T

alright now current events they’re asking about why they never considered other creatures age? the ECLIPSE? what do you MEAN? why are you watching them like this!!!!!! huh, they think it’s an effect of becoming an ouroboros. that was an interesting beat. probably would have been nice if i hadn’t taken like a 7 hour break between the last one and that one lol

taiyon time!!! very cute him having his little emotional moment while in the already brooding full metal jaguar gear lol the class unironically fits him very well, he kicks ass with it too just constantly tearing aggro, pairs well with the skill from his base class that boosts ether damage i think. also fits him thematically bein all broody and serious like that, maybe not to the extent that gray is but still

lolol the corpse has her same name? they are clones then, not just created in test tubes? or maybe they’re reborn as blades are, were they in tubes in torna? was that i thing? i can’t remember. i shoulda finished replaying that one. but anyways that’s fucked and this is a little bit more interesting now.

“so it was revenge? commander, you did it” now what in the world do you mean taion. oh my god i love these characters so much, eunie you don’t gotta keep it to yourself! just bring the matter to your friends, or hell just ask her taion you saw her hands shaking hhhhh T_T

hey didn’t... someone hesitate to say they hadn’t seen moebius before? was that eunie?? this is one i haven’t seen before... or is it? i can’t remember. why’d it come up and poke her eyeball. i can only assume that was it killing her, but how dramatic

“urayan mountains” kept the whole name huh, fun. ah! he helped to calm her down, how cute. daww, he thinks she’s just havin normal anxiety, and now a taion and lanz moment... these characters are so goooood i love them sm

and nowwwwww finally moving onto a new region!! ohhhh, inside of uraya’s corpse? interesting... and they seem fused with the mines in xb1... and this music is reminiscent of bionis interior? very very cool. i am also 13 levels higher than the area enemies which is decidedly less cool there is 0 challenge here =\

good god man! what is wrong with you! “ruin you to your very core” wtf do you think taion did??? oh. oh his plan got her killed, because he was put in an impossible situation. isurd didn’t seem to blame him though? i suppose that’s the consul’s meddling

wait we’re fighting that ENTIRE FERRONIS?? how in the. ok. yeah whatever. yeah that was fine. they introduced aoes and telegraphs which is fun, hope they’re actually interesting in further fights since this was just their introduction

dawwwww he’s gettin his ouroboros!!! yayyyyyy!!! taion time!!! god his looks so cool. and he’s made copies of himself? also fun, like his flying paper dolls... god these cutscenes are cool. ohhh he’s an illusionist then hell yeah. oh they’re all gettin theirs! hey isn’t it funny how them combining looks similar to annihilation events. lolol she knocked the whole thing over... the dumbass is killing his own this is hilarious. aw damn i  was so busy thinking i missed mio’s ouroboros

whhhhhhhhat. he was fake then?? it was the stupid little jester?? i see now. wait. wait wait wait what? huh?? what??? what the fuck?????? is he another clone? oh he’s got a little knife, how fun. oh, what, so those were isurd’s real thoughts? dude what the FUCK

god. god the moebius chain attack thing is sick. that was so sick. this is also insane wtf is happening. god they show you his blood even, just so you don’t go thinkin he survived all that... the consuls are really just playin games here?

ah, and now a calm area intro. you know i’m realizing now that some of these also look a lot like t-elos and kos-mos? especially mio’s

“ugh humans”, they’re human? what? what?????? HUH?? that was a blade why are they called human now. oh. oh are we seeing from human noah now? he has a big ol x on his chest, also like the ares, fun

and now, chapter 4. i wonder how many there are. my guess is 7

ohh, flame man! he reminds me of ga jiarg a LOT. dude’s ferronis is a proper mech... god this is cooooooolllllll i don’t even mind that this game is kind of a movie all the cutscenes are phenomenal i love love love this, i think this game is gonna beat 1 for me, not x though. x has more cool robots and general gameplay i like better. hey why’s evil-noah there. he’s gonna make friends with ga jiarg there? hehe, ga jiarg means red spear

“Oh, nice! Legend.” god i love these localizers, this dialogue feels very modern while still feeling appropriate for the setting, these characters do all very much feel like young adults.

aw cool i can play again. the game set taion as the playable character at one point and i think i’ll just stick with it. it hadn’t occured to me to switch who i was playing as before but i think i’ll probably have more fun just playing whoever has the most interesting class at a given moment, and currently that definitely isn’t noah i fuckin hate the paladin class so much

oh god my game crashed, too much flipping between interlink menues lol. this thing had auto saves right? i hope mine isn’t too far back, i don’t save as much as i should. ohhhhhhhhh i have to redo the robot fight in isurd’s quest i really don’t wanna do that. you know what i’m gonna just not. i’m gonna go back and do other sidequests for a while instead.

went back to fight iota, it’s all actually at level! that was fun. oh this lady is adorable

aaand i think that’s enough for today, sleepy... there are many quests i gotta do yet, tomorrow i should go back for isurd’s. i’m a clear like, 3 levels higher than when i did it the first time around? so it should be even easier this time. good god am i over leveled. current quests and monsters are like level 27-29 and my party’s level 42. anyways that was a lot

edit: noting now that at this point i’ve played for 36 hours. for future reference