#lol it’s like those things are only kinda like mild disappointments/frustrations

[kuiinncedes]

bro i think my phone camera and flashlight r somehow broken lol 😭

[sweethq]

♡ Maniac // song scenario

𑁍 Characters: Oikawa Tōru, mentions of Iwaizumi Hajime

»»—Trigger warning(s): mild swearing, bullying, mentions of a car accident and death (kinda?)—-««

➶ Genre: angstttttt, timeskip!AU

✎ Word count: 5.5k

-ˏˋ A/N: Hello!! I’m so excited to share this piece of work with you all. This is my first attempt at writing a song scenario so please bear with me! This is also the first long-ish scenario that I am posting on this account which is super exciting!! I hope you all enjoy and I hope to keep posting content that you guys will like ^^ Also, I feel bad for making Oikawa look like a complete and utter jerk lol buuuuut you gotta do what you gotta do. Remember, this is all fiction and is all in good fun!ˊˎ-

Tōru has been acting weird the past few weeks, weirder than one should to their s/o after dating for nine months. The once loving, carefree boy that made your heart race seemed to disappear within a matter of seconds. You remembered the times walking in the city together. He would intertwine his fingers with yours, rubbing his thumb against the back of your hand while giving you a soft smile. Day trips out into the city are now rare, and when they do occur, the only physical contact is your arms grazing against each other which fades much too quickly.

You would visit his favorite bakery once every two weeks, ordering the same pastry every time: a strawberry iced doughnut. The first time you went there together, on your third date, your first bite ended with you smearing the icing on the corners of your mouth. Tōru chuckled, muttering a quiet “Clumsy,” before leaning over the table to wipe it off for you. You felt your heart clench in your chest, heat making its way up your neck and to your ears. Since then, you made it a point to order the same doughnut each time in hopes that Tōru would once again slide his finger over the corner of your mouth; and he did. Last week was the first time in nearly nine months that he didn’t, leaving an unsettling feeling in your stomach. These types of things were very routine in your relationship, so when they came to a sudden halt, you couldn’t help but feel curious and anxious at the same time. When the two of you are out together, it feels like he’s not even there. He doesn’t give the same warm smile, tell stupid jokes, or even give you a second glance. It just feels… distant.

You tried to approach him about it, knowing that there were too many things that were suddenly changing. “Do you not love me anymore?” “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?” “Is there someone else?” Tōru felt guilty. Guilty that he would give you any reason to believe that he was being unfaithful.

“I’m sorry I’ve been making you feel this way, I never meant to hurt you. I’ll do better, I promise,” he stated before walking closer to you. He raised his hand to softly caress your cheek, deeply staring into your eyes with an emotion you couldn’t quite put your finger on. He placed a lingering kiss on your lips before pulling away and placing another on your forehead.

“I have to go, I promised Iwa-chan that I would go to his place to hang with him and the other guys. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” You gave a small smile and a nod, him returning the favor with another kiss on the forehead before walking out the door. You couldn’t help but notice that he didn’t give an answer to any of the questions you asked.

----------

A few hours have passed since Tōru left, and you can’t stop thinking about the unanswered questions from earlier. You went back and forth between pacing the room, sitting with your knees pulled against your chest, and laying on the floor; hoping that one of these things would help your brain think of a possible explanation. After hours of thinking, you notice his jacket resting on the back of one of your dining room chairs. Your eyes light up, knowing this would be a reasonable excuse to visit your boyfriend at Iwaizumi’s place.

The walk was short, but gave you enough time to think about what you would say when you saw Tōru, not quite sure why you feel the need to think of a script to talk to him. You stand outside Iwaizumi’s door, breathing a sigh of relief as you hear your boyfriend’s loud voice through the wall that separates you two. As you bring your hand up to knock, you suddenly hear your name be said by a female voice, making you freeze in your place. You can’t help but let your curiosity get the better of you. You slowly inch closer to the door and press your ear against it, hoping to not make any unwanted noises.

“Didn’t you say you only asked them out because you pitied them?”

“Yeah, I just felt bad for them. They would always follow me around and tell me how much they love me. I thought it would be fun to play a little game.” You can tell that Tōru’s words were laced with alcohol. The girls inside the room let out little giggles, one commenting, “What a freak.”

The longer you stand with your ear against the door, the more pain you feel in your heart.

“When are you finally going to ditch them? Aren’t you tired of sticking around someone you don’t even like?” There is a long pause after these questions are asked. I’ll never leave them. I love them too much. You hoped he would say something of that sort, but once again was met with disappointment.

“Well I thought that the longer I stay with them, the more fun it will be to end things. You know, it’ll hurt more, I guess…” His words are a little hesitant, voice getting smaller the further into the sentence he got.

“Who knows, maybe they’ll die from a broken heart.” The voice doesn’t belong to Tōru, but the laugh that follows after does. So many emotions are flooding through your brain and your heart, and you’re not sure how to comprehend them all.

You clutch his jacket in your fist, knuckles quick to turn white. Unwelcome tears pool in your eyes as your hands begin to shake. You silently pray that this was all a horrible dream and you didn’t actually hear those words escape his mouth, but know deep down that this is all too real. Quiet sobs left your mouth as you bend down into a squat, legs almost giving out under you. You can’t help but think back to your time with Tōru, all the memories you made together. Was it all a lie? All of the late night walks, the picnics by the river, the little inside jokes, the love… was it all a part of a game?

The sound of a door opening interrupts your thoughts.

You slowly lift your head up to meet the eyes of your boyfriend. You can sense the panic in his face, not sure how long you have been there or how much you heard. The tears streaming down your face tell him that you heard everything. He takes a slight step towards you, reaching out for your hand.

“Y/N, wait-”

You throw his jacket at him before running off the porch and down the street, wanting to be anywhere but in front of the boy who just tore your heart into pieces. You hear him shouting behind you. This is just a misunderstanding. Let me explain. What is there to misunderstand? You gave your heart to someone who promised to take care of it as if it were his own, and you’re now facing the consequences because of it.

You run all the way back to your home, ignoring the burning sensation in your calves. You slam the door behind you and lock it, not wanting any uninvited guests (Tōru). You stand in your empty house, eyes now dry from the cold wind that blew in your face on the run home. Everywhere you look you see him. All of the space between these walls has touched him and will hold him in its memory.

You walk to the kitchen, letting your fingertips graze the shiny countertop, smiling when thinking about the mess you two would always make while baking.

Snickerdoodles were always a must when the holidays came around. You were determined to bake the best snickerdoodles known to man when Tōru told you he had never tasted the heavenly treat. You prepared the ingredients on the counter, humming a soft tune to fill the silence in the room. Tōru stood beside you, admiring the calm look on your face and how delicate you looked. He approached you from behind, snaking his arms around your waist and resting his chin on your shoulder. He always found it fascinating to watch you bake since everything he would put in an oven would somehow instantly catch on fire. He started to slowly bring his hands back to place them on your hips then run them up your sides. You weren’t quite sure what he was doing, but let him continue anyways. After drawing little circles over your ribs, he started to tickle you, knowing that you would give him a reaction. You yelped, arms flailing without your consent, knocking over the open bottle of cream into the bowl where the dough was, ruining the cookies that were nearly ready to go into the oven. You gasped before quickly picking up the overturned carton, staring at the masterpiece that quickly turned into a disaster. You huffed and turned to look at your boyfriend who had an apologetic smirk on his face. How can someone express those two emotions at the same time? You stared at him for a second, trying to find the words to voice your frustration. You decided that instead of telling him how you felt, you would show him. You reached behind you and grabbed an egg off the counter, rubbing your thumb against its smooth shell before smashing it in Tōru’s perfectly styled hair, wiping the smirk right off of his face. You couldn’t hold in your laughs as the yolk dripped down his forehead and in between his chocolate eyes. The shock on his face didn’t last for long. He was quick to grab another egg and return the favor, this time topping it off with a handful of flour. Now the kitchen was covered with various ingredients flung in different directions and a couple of idiots that were even messier than the kitchen itself. As the sun was beginning to set, you ran out of items to throw at each other. You stared at him, chuckling at the mess you had made of each other. Even looking at him with egg in his hair and flour covering his complexion, he was still the most beautiful person to you. The sun’s rays beamed through the window making Tōru’s eyes look like pools of honey, sucking you into them deeper and deeper. You brought your hand up to his face and softly caressed his cheek, admiring every inch of his beauty.

“Take a picture, it’ll last longer.” A coy grin on his face after he noticed you staring at him, a hint of pink on the tip of his ears. To his surprise, you pulled out your phone and took a picture of him just like he told you to, reminding yourself to make it his new contact picture later. He chuckled slightly, muttering a soft, “Idiot,” before putting his hand on the back of your neck and closing the space between the two of you. His lips tasted like cinnamon and sugar with a hint of vanilla. After the sweet kiss, you pulled away, making sure to keep your foreheads connected so you could just appreciate being with him in his arms.

You smile at the memory that is all too vivid in your mind. You walk into the living room and glance at the pictures that scatter the walls. You approach Tōru’s favorite picture of the two of you, one that you initially hated but grew to love over time.

It was the 18th of December when Tōru dragged you out of the house for your ‘special Christmas surprise’. You questioned him on why it couldn’t wait until Christmas day but he insisted that it had to be today. When you sat in the passenger seat of his car, he turned to you and held out a blindfold for you to take.

“There’s no way in hell that I’m putting that thing on,” you said, staring him dead in the eyes.

“Come on Y/N-channnn! Just this once, I promise. If you do it, I’ll buy you boba on the way home.” His words were so convincing. You were quick to grab the blindfold out of his hand, grumbling a quiet, “Fine,” as you tied it so it was blocking your vision.

The car ride felt like it took a lifetime and then some, but in reality took no longer than ten minutes. Tōru instructed you to keep the blindfold on and wait for him to come on your side of the car to help you out. You let out a loud sigh, not exactly sure why you still couldn’t take the piece of fabric off. He wrapped his arm around your waist and guided you to your final location, making sure to point out any steps or dips in the ground that were approaching. After a short minute walk, you were met with adults chattering and a mixture of children screaming in excitement and crying in fear. You concluded that you were definitely in a very public place, but had absolutely no idea where your lunatic of a boyfriend brought you. After standing around for a couple of minutes and you groaning about how bored you were, you heard an unknown voice shout, “Next!” which made Tōru take a few steps forward, you still in his hold, sightless.

“Okay baby. You can take your blindfold off now!” His voice was covered in excitement, which made you even more anxious to take the piece of cloth off. A smile crept onto your face but when the blindfold came off, so did your smile. You stared straight ahead at the surprise that Tōru had in store for you before turning to face him, a shit-eating grin on his face. You could see tears in his eyes from trying to hold in his laughter.

“Tōru…… What is this.”

“It’s….. It’s Santa Clause.”

“Yeah, but W H Y ?”

He didn’t give you a reply, but instead grabbed your wrist and dragged you to stand in front of the man of the hour. You forced a smile on your face, not wanting to seem rude.

“Hi Santa! My s/o over here really loves and admires you and would appreciate taking a picture sitting on your lap. Is that okay?” His words came out sweet, but they were covered in venom. This was probably payback for the time you ‘accidentally’ spilled your drink on his crotch when you went hiking and proceeded to tell people passing by that he just sweats a lot.

“Of course! Anything for this cutie,” Santa said in a voice used to speak to babies, pinching your cheek in the process. You kinda stood there, not quite sure what to do. You definitely did NOT want to sit on his lap, but at the same time, you were too nice to just walk out of there. Tōru could see your hesitance and decided to give you a little *shove* in the right direction (A/N: please know that y/n is not uncomfortable in this situation, but rather just finds the act embarrassing. Tōru would not make them do this if he knew that they would be uncomfortable). Once you found a spot on Santa’s right knee, you told the person behind the camera to quickly take the photo. You noticed Tōru standing on the other side of Santa’s chair holding a peace sign and smiling from ear to ear. You stare at him with pure anger, wanting to wipe that stupid smile off his face. You didn’t even realize that the photo had already been taken. Tōru ended up printing dozens of copies of this photo, making sure to give it to each of your friends and family on Christmas day.

You look at the photo of the two of you, well, actually the three of you. You seem so angry in the picture, but you know that behind all of that anger, you still were stupidly in love with him. You laugh at how it’s ironic to the situation you’re in. You’re mad. More than mad, furious. Furious that you have all of these memories together and all you can think about is how they are full of lies. Furious that even though he hurt you and will continue to hurt you, you still love that tall idiot.

There’s a knock at the door.

“Y/N… Please open the door. I need to see your face.” You don’t move a muscle, your eyes still locked on that photo.

Another knock. Two. Three.

“Please… You need to hear me out.”

More knocking.

You glance at the door, knowing what awaits you on the other side. The sound of knocking engulfs your house, it’s driving you mad. You breathe out a heavy sigh before storming towards the door and swinging it open.

“What,” you spit at him, trying to ignore the empathy that you feel at the sight of his red eyes and swollen lips. He just stares at you, almost like he was trying to tell if you were real or not. You started to close the door, seeing as you were just wasting time. His hand stops the door before it could shut. You open it again, wide enough for him to be back in your line of sight. He looks down at his intertwined hands that hold a single red rose before looking back up at you and extending his arms.

“I-i got this for you on my way here. I know you like daisies more, but I couldn’t find any so I thought this would be okay.” His voice was quiet and strained, like if he spoke up a little more he would break. He tries to keep a small smile on his face, but when you let a laugh escape your lips, he instantly frowns. You stop laughing.

“Why are you here, Oikawa?”

----------

You were with your friends partying

When the alcohol kicked in, said you wanted me dead

So, you showed up at my home, all alone

With a shovel and a rose

Do you think I’m a joke?

----------

Oikawa winces when his last name falls off your lips. He always loved it when you called him Tōru, and you knew that. But this wasn’t Tōru, not the one that you fell in love with. This wasn’t the same guy that would play with your hair when you laid your head in his lap, or kissed your fingertips when you’d accidentally burn them. No. This is someone different. Someone you feel you don’t even know.

“I’m.. I’m so sorry, Y/N! I never meant to hurt you. God, I’m such an idiot… I don’t even know how to explain myse-”

“Just answer me this. Did you ever love me? Or were these past nine months a complete lie?” You hold your breath, hoping the tears will stop threatening to fall. You were hesitant to ask these questions, knowing that the answer could crush you, but you needed to know. Oikawa’s eyes grew, tears cascading down his flushed cheeks.

“Of course I loved you! I still do, so, so much! These past nine months have been the best months of my entire life, none of it was fake, I promise. You’re the love of my life, Y/N. I can’t fake something like that…” Oikawa’s eyes were burning holes into yours, you started to wonder the last time he blinked. His words were convincing, but the words he said earlier this night kept playing on repeat in your head.

“Bullshit. If you love me so much, why would you say those things about me? Why would you tell them that I was some crazy stalker who was obsessed with you? Why would you tell them that you’re dating me as a joke? Why did you say all of these things that you knew would hurt me?” A single tear falls, causing the others to join. Oikawa takes a step forward, wanting to kiss your tears and pain away. You simultaneously take a step back, finally breaking the eye contact that bound the two of you together. His heart broke at the sight of you. Not only were you hurting, but you were hurting because of him.

“I-I just… Just… I-”

“You just what?”

He continues to stare at you, wondering whether or not he should even attempt to explain himself. His sober mind knows that his actions are the result of narcissism and stupidity, and there’s a chance that his lame excuse could hurt you even more.

“Most of the people that I was with tonight, I don’t usually hang out with. Recently Iwa-chan has been inviting them to hang out because they’re always pestering us and we thought if we hung out with them a few times, they would stop. So we invited them to hang out, have a few drinks, and show them how boring we are,” he stopped to take a breath, hesitant to move on. “I guess they knew that I was dating you and, for whatever reason, didn’t like that. They would make fun of me and say mean things and… it reminded me of my childhood when I used to get bullied and was an outcast. I guess it really traumatized me because when that feeling came back, I wanted nothing more than to make it disappear. I guess the alcohol made that decision for me and that’s when I started saying all of those horrible things and… I guess I didn’t think it was going to affect our relationship because I didn’t think you would ever find out… I know I’m such an asshole, but please you need to know that none of the things I told them were true. My love for you is completely and utterly real, and the fact that I screwed it up is killing me.”

You remain silent, once again staring into Oikawa’s eyes, reading him like a book. His eyes shine like glass, full of guilt and sorrow. His bottom lip is red from biting it, hoping to make it stop quivering. His interlocked hands are still holding the rose he brought you, his thumbs anxiously fiddling with each other. You can tell that he genuinely feels sorry and ashamed of his mistakes.

“Y/N. Please, say something. Anything.”

Unfortunately for him, there was no longer room in your heart for forgiveness.

“So I guess you’ve been telling them these kinds of things for a while now, huh? I guess that explains why you stopped acting like we’re a couple in public, right? You didn’t want one of your new friends to see us and question your motives.” You give a small laugh, not sure if it’s out of self-pity or anger. “You should go back to Iwaizumi’s. I’m sure they’re all wondering where you went and why you ran after your psychotic s/o who you don’t even like… Just keep telling them the same story, or better yet, why don’t you tell them that you broke my heart, threw it in my face, and then laughed at me? I’m sure you’ll earn some extra brownie points from them.” You look at his eyes one last time before turning around to walk back inside, pausing before shutting the door. “I’ll stop by your place tomorrow to pick up my things.”

Before you could close the door, Oikawa pleaded.

“Please don’t leave me. Please. I need you in my life.”

You pause at the shakiness in his voice, so close to caving in and forgetting all of the events that occurred tonight. Before you can make any impulsive decisions, you shut the door in his face, not wanting to think about how he’s feeling or what he’s going to do. You try to ignore any type of empathy you feel for him, he’s the one that hurt you, remember?

----------

Well, people like you always want back what they can’t have

But I’m past that, and you know that

So you should turn back to your rat pack, telling ‘em trash

----------

You lay on the sofa holding a picture of Oikawa in your lap, not attempting to move from your spot for the hour since Oikawa left. You hate that after all of the things he said about you, you still couldn’t stop thinking about him and how much you wish he were right next to you. You wish that he were holding you close and wiping the stray tears that leave your eyes, but instead, he was the one inflicting them. The white ceiling above you keeps your attention, becoming the screen as your memories become the projector. You can almost visualize all of the times you spent with Oikawa, even the times before you started dating. You wish you could go back to the simpler times, the times when things weren’t turning to shit.

Your phone rings beside you. You remember in the beginning of your relationship with Oikawa your heart would always race when you got a phone call or message, hoping that it was him on the other side. Even at a time like this, your mind can’t help but think of those chocolate eyes and soft brown locks. You pick up your phone and stare at the caller ID. It’s Oikawa.

You fight with yourself, deciding whether or not it would be smart to answer his call. You click ‘accept’ before you have a chance to back out again.

The call is silent with the exception of sniffles on the other end. Oikawa breaks the silence.

“Y/N? A-are you there?”

“Yeah… Yeah, I’m here. Why are you calling?”

“I just really, really wanted to hear your voice.” You hear the rev of a car engine through the phone.

“You shouldn’t be talking on the phone while you’re driving. It’s dangerous.”

“But talking to you makes me feel so safe.” Silence engulfed the phone call, neither of you knowing what to say to each other. Oikawa starts to cry, his sobs soon becoming the only thing you can hear. You continue to not say a word.

“God, I’m so stupid. I thought I was finally getting my life together. I’m in good health, I have my dream job, I met the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, and I had to go and fuck it all up. Honestly I don’t give a shit about my health or my job, all I care about is you. I just love you so much, I can’t-” His words are cut off by a long screech and then a loud crash. Once again, the call is silent.

“O-oikawa?” There’s no reply. “Oikawa?! Tōru?! Are you okay? Please answer me?” Your breathing was becoming erratic, shaky fingers having a hard time keeping the phone pressed against your cheek. You hear a groan and shuffling from the other side before getting a response.

“Shit. I crashed my damn car into a tree.”

“I don’t care about the car, are you okay? I need to call an ambulance for you-”

“No,” he interrupts you, “I don’t want to see any paramedics. The only person I want to see is you.”

“Don’t be ridiculous, you need to go to the hospital. You probably have a concussion, and you’re bleeding, aren’t you?”

“I don’t care. I won’t see anyone but you.” Oikawa takes a deep breath before getting out of his wrecked car. He starts his walk back home, not caring to wait for first responders. “I’m not going to beg you to come, but if you want to see me, you know where to find me.” He hangs up the phone, leaving you speechless on the other end.

You don’t want to waste another second. You quickly grab your car keys and toss your jacket over your shoulder. Even though you know it’s going to hurt you to see him again, you need to make sure he’s okay.

----------

You just went too far

Wrecked your car, called me crying in the dark

Now you’re breakin’ my heart

So I show up at your place right away

Wipe the tears off of your face

While you beg me to stay

----------

It’s stupid. Stupid that you’ll drop everything you’re doing to rush to his side whenever he says he needs you. Stupid that you still love and care about him just as much as you did in the beginning.

You turn the engine off upon arriving at Oikawa’s apartment. You swiftly get out of your car and race to his door, taking the stairs instead of the elevator to save a few seconds. You fiddle with the keys on your keychain as you reach his front door, trying to find the matching one. You knew all too well that one of Oikawa’s antics is always locking the door, even when he’s expecting company. You find the fitting key and waste no time unlocking the door and scouting the place for any sign of life. You figure he’s in his bedroom as the kitchen and living room remain vacant.

You peek around the corner that leads into his room, spotting the tall man laying on the bed, legs dangling over the edge.You gasp at the blood, cuts and scrapes coving his skin. You walk over to him and grab his cold hand, pulling him off the bed and into the bathroom.

“Sit,” you order, pointing at the counter. He obeys without a word, head hanging low. You search the cabinets for a first aid kit, knowing that he would have one from his volleyball days. After finding the small box, you pull out the materials that were needed to clean him up; lots of antibacterial wipes, gauze and band-aids. You take one of the wipes and press it onto a cut on his shin, Oikawa hissing at the impact. You ignore it and continue to clean the scrapes that scatter both of his legs, finishing with a deeper cut on his knee. As you finished cleaning it, you heard him sniffle and watched a tear fall into his lap.

“What are you, five? It doesn’t hurt that much-”

“I didn’t think you would come,” he whispered, voice shaky and emotionless. You peer up at him, his head still hanging and refusing to meet your eyes. You reach your hand up and wipe the tears that wet his face, your palm lingering, cupping his cheek. He melted into your touch.

“Idiot… Of course I would come.”

You spend the rest of the time patching up his wounds in silence, neither of you able to find the correct words in this situation. You finish putting the last band-aid on his cheekbone, your face in shocking proximity to his. He stares into your eyes, you looking anywhere but. You’re afraid that if you look into his eyes, there’s no turning back.

“I should go,” you mutter, not wanting to overstay your visit. You turn around to walk out of the bathroom, but come to a halt with the feeling of Oikawa’s slender fingers wrapping around your wrist.

“Please don’t leave me.” His grip tightened slightly, but not enough to hurt you. “I need you. Please.”

You stare straight ahead, not daring to turn around and face him.

“I’ll stay,” you start, “If you promise to give up your pride and tell everyone that you were lying. Tell them that you really do love me and that you were scared of what others would think. I’ll stay if you promise never to lie about those kinds of things and to never hurt me like you have ever again. Can you do that?” The silence was eerie, and made your stomach do hundreds of flips. You hoped that the universe would be on your side for once and hear the things you wished would escape his lips.

“I-I can’t… I just-”

You grabbed his wrist with your vacant hand and violently removed his grasp from yours, not letting him finish his sentence. You still stood with your back towards him, not wanting him to see the tears that were once again trickling down your face. You pull your keychain out of your pocket, finding your key to Oikawa’s apartment and stripping it from the rest. You drop it onto the floor by your feet, clanging a few times on the hardwood floor before it stops. As you walk out of the bathroom, your words make his heart clench in his chest.

“Goodbye, Oikawa.”

----------

Tell all of your friends that I’m crazy and drive you mad

That I’m such a stalker, a watcher, a psychopath

Then tell them you hate me, and dated me just for laughs

So why do you call me and tell me you want me back?

You maniac

[365daysofsasuhina]

[ @sasuhinabigflash2020​​ || Day Twenty-Six: Starry Nights ] [ Uchiha Sasuke, Hyūga Hinata, Uchiha Fugaku ] [ SasuHina ] [ Verse: When Dead Walk ] [ AO3 Link ]

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One thing he’s noticed since this all started...is just how many stars there are in the sky. For most of his life, Sasuke lived in the big city. Sure, a bit out in the suburbs and a more residential area, but there was still enough light pollution to leave little to no starlight. He knew far more about the glow of street lamps, windows, and signs than constellations.

But that changed when the rumors began, and his family acted quicker than most. Though, in all honesty, they were more prepared than most, too.

People started getting...sick. At first, the ever-logical and practical nation of Japan kept everyone calm. But even with their careful management and focus in science...they could not stop the plague that had begun sneaking its way through humanity.

Within weeks, a full-blown zombie outbreak had consumed the island nation...as well as all others. Cities were overrun, panicked people swallowed up in waves. Tiny pockets of survivors were all that was left, facing a new, horrendously hostile world.

But the Uchiha had taken the warning and run with it. Fugaku’s parents, though passed, had left him their rural home in some foothills. Though no longer fully functioning, it had been a farm at one point. And at the first sign of trouble, the head of the family had packed up his family, and his wife’s, and moved the lot of them out into the country.

It was an..adjustment for them all, but the man insisted on taking no chances. His sons and nephew alongside him, he started fixing the place up and reclaiming it from the growth that had tried to consume it. It wasn’t easy, and beyond a few long-past Summers spent at the farm when they were young, none of them had much practice in the art.

But they kept on, only fueled on as the radio (there was no television there) kept relaying more and more worrying tales from the city they’d left behind.

There was no going back.

And then...the radio waves went dead. The cars that had been fleeing past the property stopped coming. And an eerie silence seemed to fall over the world.

That was about a month ago. And so far?

Nothing.

It’s almost...peaceful. And yet all of them realize just how isolating it all is. How...unnatural. Unnerving. But so far, they’re doing all right. The weather has been mild, the work difficult but rewarding. Things are just about up to snuff, now.

But there’s no telling what time will bring. Winter isn’t far off, and they won’t go unnoticed forever, no matter how well-hidden they feel they are.

Which is why gardening and home repair isn’t all Fugaku has been teaching them.

Being a relic from a time long past, the house is full of secrets. Shisui is given an old tantō. Itachi takes a katana. And Sasuke?

“...a bow?”

“Silent, and at a distance,” his father replies sagely, ignoring the boy’s look of disappointment. “A blade means being close enough to be in danger from an enemy like what you will face. But this? This will leave you unheard, and unseen. Your cousin and brother will not have that advantage.”

But Sasuke is still discouraged. It seems so much less...cool to have a bow than a sword. He’s not scared of the undead ones! Practicing nonetheless, he still can’t help but begrudge every shot he makes, even the good ones.

Once he’s good enough? He decides to give himself a little test.

There haven’t been any undead spotted near the farm, yet. But the further out you go, the better your odds of finding one...or many. Packing up for a journey, Sasuke decides it’s high time he killed his first undead one.

Then maybe he can have a blade, too.

He slips away when scheduled to be doing a solo chore, no one around to spot him. Armed and supplied, he heads east toward town. Hours pass with nothing to show for, and by the time Sasuke’s frustration level gets high enough, it’s getting late.

Later than he planned.

Sun sinking as he swears at the empty expanse around him, Sasuke realizes that it’s going to be dark by the time he gets back. Not only will he have to make his way home at night, but he’s going to be in an unholy amount of trouble.

But before his frustration can rise any higher, a cry sounds to his left that chills his bones. It sounds like...a woman? A shrill, panicked screech that makes it abundantly clear that she’s in danger.

Exactly what he’s been waiting for.

The first stars begin to peek through the sky as he tears through the undergrowth, clinging to his drawn and strung bow. The cries have been intermittent, but enough to follow. Hopefully he gets there in time…

Breaking through a treeline to a road, he skids to a stop. Seems his path was off - he wasn’t expecting to hit it so fast. Puffing for air, he scans the darkening environment.

...there!

As he watches, a woman wrenches open the door of an abandoned car, pulling it shut just as a gang of zombies descends upon it. Moans and shrieks sound alongside thumps against the metal frame.

This is it…! Ducking behind another car, Sasuke squints in the twilight. He better make this quick, or it’ll be too dark to see. Nocking an arrow, he stands long enough to line up his shot and let it fly.

With a dull thwack, it lands its mark, and one of them falls. The rest pay it no mind, too focused on the prey trapped in the car.

Another shot, another downed zombie. Then a miss as the bolt instead buries in a shoulder, followed by a kill shot.

In the car, the woman seems to finally notice the thinning of her pursuers, struggling to see where the heroism is coming from.

And by then, Sasuke manages one last shot...and the now-empty street goes unnervingly quiet until the creak of the car door sounds. Shaking like a leaf, a young woman steps out, looking all manner of rough. “H...hello…?”

Sure the coast is clear, Sasuke steps out. “...hey.”

She gawks at him as though he’s some kind of ghost. “You…? How did you -?”

Approaching to grab any arrows left undamaged, Sasuke starts retrieving them and cleaning them off on the undead’s clothes. “Bow and arrows. Silent, and distant.”

...maybe his father had a point.

“That’s amazing…! Oh...f-forgive me, I -. My name is...is Hyūga Hinata. Thank you, for...for saving my life.”

“Uchiha Sasuke,” he replies bluntly. “Are you alone?”

“I -?” At that, she wilts. “...yes. My family and I, we...we fled a few weeks ago. Tried to outrun them, but...we were overrun by a hoard a f-few miles from here. We scattered, I…” Tears build in her eyes. “I d-don’t know if...if anyone else s-survived.”

Sasuke can’t help a small wilt of sympathy. “...well...we can’t look for them in the dark. You’re welcome to come back with me - I know someplace safe. Are you sure there’s no more of those things?”

“I have n-no idea. I just...I just ran…”

“...well, I don’t hear any. Let’s go.” Hefting his things, Sasuke leads the way back down the road - it’ll be faster than fighting through the trees in the dark. Stars shimmer overhead, a nearly-full moon helping to light their way.

Neither of them attempt any small talk. Hinata, clearly too shaken, has no intention of bothering the one person currently keeping her alive.

It’s only once they reach the farm that things get...loud.

Fugaku stalks along the front of the house, looking up as they approach. “...where have you been?”

“I didn’t -!”

“I asked...where. Have. You. Been?” There’s venom in his voice, clearly furious but trying to bite it down.

So, Sasuke tries the truth.

“...practicing.”

“Without telling anyone where you were going or why?”

“I knew you’d stop me.”

“And for good reason!” His tone jumps in volume. “You could have been killed, and we would be none the wiser!”

“If I hadn’t gone out, she would have been!” Sasuke counters, gesturing to Hinata.

Fugaku glances to her as though only just noticing her. “...who are you?”

“H...Hyūga Hinata, sir.”

A harsh breath exhales through the man’s nose. “...what happened?”

“My...my family was on the run. We stopped to camp, and...were ambushed. We fled, got s-separated. I was being chased, and...Uchiha-san saved me. He -? He must be your...your son?”

“...my fool of a son, yes,” Fugaku mutters in reply. “...it was truly him who saved you?”

“Yes...he k-killed the group of undead chasing me. They never even saw him. It was like...those old tales of a ninja. If it weren’t for him...I’d be trapped in that car until I…”

Fugaku watches her, and then sighs. “...both of you, get inside. We can search for your family come morning. But until then, no one leaves the house.” He gives a pointed look to Sasuke before turning and retreating inside.

Sasuke’s head bows before glancing to Hinata, who looks to him in turn. “...my father, Fugaku,” he then offers flatly.

“You...have family here?”

“Mm. Mother, brother, cousin, and aunt. We all fled together over a month ago. This land was my grandfather’s. Never thought we’d need it, let alone like...this.”

“...I’m glad you have it,” is her soft reply, following as he moves through the door and leads her to a spare room. “I...I owe you my life.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Sasuke insists. “Just...get some rest. We’ll look for the others once it’s light out.”

She hugs herself. “...I doubt I’ll sleep.”

“Then just lie down. Any bit will help. Until then, there’s nothing else we can do.”

Expression sobering, Hinata merely nods, letting him close the door with a soft, “Goodnight…”

Once it clicks shut, Sasuke stands for a moment, thinking...before retreating to his own room.

Maybe he should break the rules more often.

     This is...really random, but it’s the first thing that came to mind. Also far longer (and later OTL) than I intended. Not gonna get these done any faster if I keep making them too long kjdfhgjfg      ANYWAY, random zombie verse stuff. I dunno. Feels kinda flat to me but I’m worn out from a long couple of days. Hopefully it’s better than I feel it is :’D Either way though, thanks for reading! Just five more to go until I finally catch up and finish this thing, lol

[pivitor]

Help, I have emotions (aka the dating update I’m sure you’ve all been waiting for)

So, it’s been about a month, I guess, since I signed up for OKCupid and started legitimately dating? I have a lot of emotions! I need to get them out! So you get, basically, a diary post from me. Things might get very mildly NSFW, not because I’m trying to brag or broadcast these guys and mine’s business, but because it’s important to the stories, and because it’s my blog. I’m hoping this helps me figure some things out, or exorcise some things, or something.

So, there’s been about eight different guys I’ve chatted with. There’s a cute doctor who was really dull to talk to and ghosted me. Twice! One guy who was actually from Delaware! We talked for a day, he didn’t see my response to his last message for four days, and then when he did read it, didn’t respond. Either the very first or second guy I talked to ended up being a cop; thankfully, he had basically already said that we were too far apart to date (”If you lived closer, I’d totally ask you out”), and just started trying to talk here or there, so it was easy to end that one painlessly. None of those situations bothered or upset me.

One guy I talked to quite a bit, a young guy who works in a lab in Philly, and I liked him a lot and wanted to actually go on a date with him, but we’d been talking maybe a week and a half by that point? And we had talked about going out several times and neither of us had actually made the move to schedule something? On my end, I just had a hellish schedule for a bit, and I had one more date I was trying to slot in, and then once I know when that was going to be, I was going to ask him out. Literally the day I was going to ask him out, he stops replying to me (and then posts a subtweet about how unfortunate it is that he’s attracted to men). I think I waited too long, which I feel bad about :( He still follows me on Instagram, though, which is awkward.

There’s this other guy I’ve been talking to, I’ll call him “S,” who is REALLY cute. Physically, I’m into him perhaps more than anyone I’ve talked to. But he’s ended up being a pretty boring to talk to. He lives almost two hours away, so I initially talked about coming down to meet him, but then as time passed and I realized that he was kinda boring, I was less enthused, and I haven’t initiated conversation with him in a while, but he’s still been messaging me and talking about meeting up. So it was definitely time to either meet up or call things off completely. This Sunday coming up I’m heading not too far from him to see a concert anyway, so I told him I’d come down around lunch time and we could hang for a few hours and see what happens. I’m not expecting much out of it, but maybe he’ll surprise me. And if I end up calling things off, at least I can say I gave it the good ol’ college try.

But there’s been three guys I’ve actually gone on dates with so far, and have really liked all of them. So, of course, that’s where things get complicated. I’m going to start with this guy “J.” He’s a park ranger in Philly, and I really enjoy talking to him, both by text and in person. I think he’s interesting and knows how to hold a conversation. He’s cute too, but after our first date (where we met for dinner and walked around the city a bit; I had a very nice time) I wasn’t sure how much physical chemistry we had; we were clearly into each other, but there was no kiss or anything, and only very mild flirting by text. He has more dating experience than me, but not much, so I think we’re both pretty hesitant sometimes. It took about two weeks to go on another date with him, and by the time we had the date, I had kinda assumed we would end up being just friends, and was fine with that, to be honest.

The second date started out pretty awkward. We had dinner and walked around the city again, but we only had two hours of parking where we were, so had to wrap things up pretty quickly. I was hoping he would want to go somewhere else and continue the date for a little while, but all of a sudden he sprung on me “oh, here’s my car!” and it legit startled me, and I was too thrown to suggest going somewhere else, and he didn’t either and just said “I’ll see you next time!” And we did a hug goodbye that was awkward because as soon as it became a hug I got a vibe “oh, that should have been a kiss” and got really self conscious. So it ended awkwardly, and I felt dumb, and I drove over to the Barcade because that’s what I do when I have time to kill in Philly, and/or when I’m feeling down. He ends up texting me as soon as I get there saying that he had a great time but thought that I seemed a bit disappointed, so I explained to him how I had hoped it would last longer, and he admitted that he had wanted to kiss me at the end and wasn’t sure if he should, and I agreed that I had wanted that too; long story short, he drives over to the Barcade too and we have a much nicer date over there, a really nice conversation then about twenty minutes of making out in a booth. I gotta say, public making out is very bizarre, but I enjoyed it haha.

So the next day and a half or so we have some really frank conversations about sex and what we’re looking for in relationships and all that. He admits that he’s having trouble choosing between me and another guy, and I say I’m basically doing the same thing (except he’s one of three). We all but say we’re going to have sex with each other soon. And then, three days after that second date, he texts me to tell me that he asked the other guy to be his boyfriend. So it wasn’t out of nowhere, but I wasn’t expecting it to happen that quickly! And right as I was really starting to get attached to him. I’m not going to act like two dates and a month or so of conversation is an epic romance, but it still hurt, especially the fact that he chose somebody else over me. But I also freely admit that he did nothing wrong, and if he was trying to find a boyfriend that quickly, he probably made the right choice. If he had asked me to be his boyfriend instead, I don’t know if I would’ve said yes. But, y’know, it still hurt.

We agreed to stay friends, and then the next day he texts me to say that he’s having second thoughts -- this is his first boyfriend, and he’s starting to feel like he lost his freedom (”On the first day?!” I reply back). He eventually says that he still wants to have sex with me, and is thinking of trying to open up his relationship. I’ll admit, it was tempting, but I could also see that it was a mess and I probably dodged a bullet. I told him to figure things out with his boyfriend before he started asking me about it. And he drops it. Then yesterday he brings it up again (and basically asks in a way that says “I don’t think much of open relationships but”), so at that point I tell him off. Maybe if he had already been in an open relationship when he met me, or if he had approached us both to say “I wanna date both of you” I’d have been into it. But the way he did it made me feel like an afterthought, a second choice, like he was trying to have his cake and eat it too or like I was a doubt he needed to get out of his head before he could fully commit to his boyfriend. I told him it made me feel shitty and I didn’t want to be a part of it. And to his credit, he immediately apologized, said he was selfish (a word I didn’t use, so he brought that on his own), and agreed we’d really just be friends from here on out, and he told his BF everything he had asked me and how I’d responded and apologized to him and they decided to be monogamous. So, bittersweet ending I guess.  

Except it’s still got me a little fucked up. Why does one rejection stick in my craw more than all the compliments I’m getting from the two guys I’m still talking to who really, really like me? Honestly, part of it was just that I really thought we were going to have sex. I still haven’t had sex -- J and I only kissed, “N” and I have made out a lot and he sucked me off a little, but he doesn’t have sex unless he’s in a relationship, and “P” and I have done pretty much everything two guys can do up to actual penetrative sex, so based off that and a convo we had today I’m thinking it will happen next time I see him, but it’s going to be two more weeks before I can see him again. So thinking about J having sex with his boyfriend has really got me down and frustrated. Not even because I want to have sex with him, just because I want to have some goddamn sex already, and he’s having it and I’m not. And I realize that’s petty. But that’s how I feel

Him having “settled down” also has me anxious about N and P, the other two guys, and ones I liked more than J from the start, despite my last five paragraphs lol. N lives in Philly, and we’ve gone out four times now. He’s made it clear that he’d love to date me and that he’d be my boyfriend in a heartbeat, but I have to be the one to ask at this point, because he’s brought it up multiple times and I’m basically saying I’m not ready to make a decision yet. N works in a pharmacy but is a brilliant chef who made me a homecooked meal on our first date and it was some real romantic comedy shit -- I was midsentence as he cooked and he turned around, kissed me, and said “I’d been wanting to do that all night” leaving me in an amazing daze. N and I click really well and basically spend our dates playing video games, eating, and cuddling/making out (which I love doing with him) while we watch anime, and it’s really nice. He lives with one of his best friends and her family and they’ve all really welcomed me into their lives. He’s such a kind, generous person, who I make blush fairly often, and vice versa. I could see myself dating him.

But he also describes himself as a functional alcoholic. He smokes, which I hate, but he only does it outside -- the bigger issue there is the vaping, which he does inside. It makes him taste great when we make out, but IDK what it’s doing to my health (I always feel hazy when I leave his place, but I don’t know if it’s the smoke or that I’m generally leaving really late), and I don’t like being in even the faint smoke all the time. I need to talk to him about it on our next date, but I could see it being a dealbreaker. He’s also not a great texter. We have no problem talking in person, but our text convos are pretty sporadic, I haven’t quite cracked the code to them yet. That’s not the end of the world, but I’m going to have to figure out some way to talk to him between dates if we’re not texting because having that form of communication is important to me. He knows about me growing up in a cult (all three of these guys did/do, actually) and that I’m not out to my family yet and says he’s fine with it, but I don’t think he really *gets* it and is a little frustrated that I haven’t been able to stay the night yet. I am too, admittedly and obviously, but the pressure when I’m in a really complicated situation is a little much sometimes.

P, meanwhile, is a personal trainer and music teacher. We text pretty much all day every day, some of it legit conversation, some of it just silly bullshit, but it’s fun and makes me happy. He took me to a trampoline park on our first date, and out to a terrific brunch, and we have just as easy a chemistry in person as we do by text. He’s very zen and has an intriguing outlook on life that I appreciate. He’s not religious at all but does consider himself spiritual and he’s the first person who has made that distinction appealing to me. And we have electric physical chemistry. I am just so attracted to him, and apparently, vice versa. I won’t get into all the details, but things went way further, way faster with him than I expected (I’ve done more with him than I’ve done with anyone else), and I loved every minute of it.  Again, I could really, really see myself dating this guy.

The biggest problem here is the distance. He lives about 1 hour and 45 minutes away. It’s not the worst distance by a long margin. I drive that fairly often, and have considered dating guys who live that far away before. But it’s still a big complication, especially this month, when he’s non-stop swamped conducting two school plays, and also while I’m still living at home, which means he can’t come down to visit. I’m not sure how to navigate it yet, especially as we go further into the future. IDK if I would want to live in his town, if it came to that -- It’s nice, but I want to live in Philly, and I’d be even further from Philly there than I am now. Would he ever wanna move, even though his family, his students, and the business he built for himself are all in that town? I dunno. Those are probably questions for further in the future, but they have me really anxious.

It’s probably too early to be trying to “choose,” but I’m feeling that pressure from multiple directions, some more legit than others. I purposely haven’t matched with anyone else on the app or tried talking to anyone new because I wanna resolve things with my current batch of guys before I do. Honestly? I wish I hadn’t met them all at the same time. N and P are both great guys and I’d have dated either of them, and I feel shitty that choosing one means dropping the other and not getting that chance. But I’m going to try to be patient and get to know them both better, and maybe my path forward will become clearer as I do.

Anyway, that’s where I am right now. And actually? Yeah, I do feel better getting this off my chest.

[safetypinsymphony]

“Is it a plot twist, or is it just lying?” and brief thoughts on the SPN road so far

To paraphrase an exchange from Bob's Burgers: Is it a plot twist, or is it just lying?

This seems to be an evolving theme of Supernatural's Season 15. I haven't been keeping up on my reviews here, dern it, but after some mild kerfuffles I've experienced between various fans (including myself), I'm re-inspired. Or perhaps incensed.

“Writers lie.”

When we first learned that God is a right asshole and as such, opened a rift in Hell before checking out to leave our intrepid heroes to deal with the undead invasion spilling forth—and then decided to check back in just to start fucking with the Winchesters again—I wasn't overly bothered, but nor was I particularly thrilled by the implications. I was begrudgingly interested to see what was evolving.

Well.

Kinda like watching a slo-mo train wreck, as it turns out. We're witnessing how this canon ret-conning is already starting to fray. How playing fast and loose with what the show has established as the rules of its universe is creating this “It was all just a dream” Dallas-esque meta embarrassment.

Seasons back, when the show first shattered the Fourth Wall by introducing the SPN books and conventions into its own mythos, that self-awareness was a really risky move. To this day, you either love it or hate it, but it managed to hold together because of the infrequency with which it was explored, and the skills of the writers at the time. (Even then, we got Season Seven, Time for a Wedding, arguably one of the more tasteless episodes of the whole series.)

As Dabb and company are choosing to further explore Chuck-as-God-and-puppetmaster, one of the show's important thematic cornerstones, that of the value of <i>freewill</i>, is taking a big hit. And the show knows it. They've had Dean come right out and air his disgruntlement with it several times already. So we get it, yeah, it's a thing. It's what Dabb is using to propel this last season (along with rampant fanservice and as many returning characters—dead or alive—that he can shoehorn into 43 minutes).

Now, I do loves me some fanservice on occasion, and there are certainly quite a few characters who died in rather inglorious ways and probably deserved better send-offs than they got, but I'm not sure 'hanging a flag on it' does enough to compensate for what this means in regards to the past 14 years of the show. In asserting that all of the past canon has been little more than Chuck's manipulations, it also means that the viewers' investment into the whole of the SPN universe has been hung on a lie within its own framework. “Ret-conning” doesn't even come close to describing this level of narrative dishonesty. (Wow, that sounded dramatic, but it's kind of true, you know?) By undermining the canon of the past 14 years, the current show creators have made Gamble, Carver and yes, even Kripke unwittingly complicit in this snake oil operation.

If SPN were just a movie, two hours designed from the jump to play out this way, I might think it was a little cheesy but oh well. I'm not that invested. (See 'Cabin in the Woods', which was a helluva fun neo-horror romp, in a similar vein.) But this is FOURTEEN YEARS we're talking here. That's a loooong time to be invested in a narrative, just to have the latest showrunner unseat all the canon that came before him. The only thing that matters one iota now? Season 15. It, apparently, is the only “true” canon. The only canon where “Chuck” is revealing his hand and operating with any in-world narrative legitimacy.

Thanks, I hate it.

I'm not going to pretend I like what Dabb is proposing. The segment of fandom hungry to bust Sam and Dean's so-called co-dependency is pretty stoked about it, naturally; they see classic SPN as toxic and unhealthy (and let's be real, in the way of a certain ship).

But here's the thing that gives me The Feels™, and it's not turning the Winchesters (or Cas, for that matter) into domesticated, well-adjusted Hallmark Channel leading men. (That's what, you know, The Hallmark Channel is for.) And it's sure as hell not invalidating the canon of the show I fell in love with.

It's urban legends, black humor, the endless highways and guttering neon. It's two brothers raised on the fringes of society, their unbreakable fidelity, finding comfort wherever they can since tomorrow, they may meet the business end of a rugaru. It's the colorful characters they meet along their travels. It's Led Zeppelin, greasy spoons and ancient tomes. It's faith and heart and sacrifice.

Unless Dabb dismantles these things too. At which point, a pox upon him and his house. Writers may lie, but this would be universe assassination.

●●●

Oh! I was going to mention some episodes too, lol. Here are a few quick take-aways, since I've already blabbed on enough.

Episode 3: RIP, Rowena. I looooooved the line, “But I believe in prophecy. I believe in magic.” That was SO her. Of course an ancient witch, the most powerful in the game, would live (and die) on those words. And kudos to the show for remembering it put that Sam gun on the mantel in Season 13, iirc. Pretty sure we'll see Rowena again before the grand finale, though.

Big happy for the suggestion that Sam is a witch-in-the-making. Also glad Cas finally got his brain wrapped around the fact that Dean was pissed at him but he didn't need to take it anymore. Dean has some valid reasons to need space from Cas, and it's a handy way to get Cas off doing his own thing (as Misha is not contracted for every episode).

Berens did a solid job writing this episode, but I'm glad we've wrapped the customary 3-episode season premier. I had high hopes for myriad crusty, decaying dead shambling around a grim world, but instead we got a handful of ghosts, literally running around in broad daylight. The first two episodes were … clumsy.

Episode 4: 'Atomic Monsters', was written by my favorite current SPN writer, Davy Perez, and he did not disappoint! Something about the way he writes dialogue sounds so naturalistic to me, and he manages to tap into authentic feelings in the characters without feeling rushed or contrived. I believe his stories. I never get thrown out of his episodes.

The episode was lovingly directed by Jensen Ackles. The guy flat out knows what to give us. That whole beginning red scene, with Dean and his John Wick bad-assery and then … then we get a Sam who has never eschewed his demon blood addiction. It was chilling and gorgeously actualized and I might have watched that bit more than is healthy.

And we got to revisit Becky Rosen, who is now a fangirl—like many of us—but she's grown up and assimilated fandom enjoyment into her daily life. Perez did a great job in saving Becky, as a character. She isn't the butt of anyone's joke anymore. She isn't a dangerously unbalanced fan. She's just … one of us. Thank you, sir.

Episode 5: Fun stuff in this one! Brotherly banter, Sam and Dean dressed as sort-of Fish and Game employees, a brilliant turn by actress Anna Grace Barlow reprising Lilith (no one saw this coming!), werewolf brothers as yet another example of monsters that aren't as cut-and-dried as hunters might like, and more 'visions' from Sam wherein Sam is Lucifer again, and Dean still has the Mark of Cain. YUM.

But there were also a couple some not-so-fun things. The girls glamping in the beginning was just plain silly, the fight scenes had too many jump cuts (imho), but mostly, why on earth would they leave the God gun in the glove compartment of the Impala?? I noted that back when Dean put it in there, Episode 2 I think it was, but I seriously doubt they wouldn't have locked it up safely after that. Please, foo. Don't make our characters stupid.

By episode's end, Dean is clearly frustrated and demoralized by their predicament. It's clear Sam and Dean will be taking turns buoying each other's flagging spirits this season. As co-dependent as ever. I am here for this.

●●●

This post has gone on long enough, so I think I'll hold Episode 6 ruminations for a separate entry, and maybe dish about where we think the series is heading, for a finale. Anyone reading this probably has a numb butt by now. Anywho, thanks for hanging in with me, gang! Talk at you later...

[rosiethero]

Ruta graveolens

@aphrarepairweek2019 day 6 - flowers ✿

characters/pairings: AmeLiet

rating: T for alfred’s sailor mouth

content/warnings: angst with hopeful ending, mild relationship issues

notes: iiiiiiiii just kinda wrote stuff until it matched the theme?? lmao

translation: - mylimasis - l.ithuanian term of endearment, akin to "sweetheart"

read below or on ao3

- - -

There are times when he’s really, genuinely scared for Toris.

Sometimes, Toris’ eyes get distant and he goes all quiet, and he suddenly looks very, very tired. Sometimes an innocuous noise makes him flinch and he looks shaken for the rest of the day. Sometimes he calls Alfred in the middle of the night crying and he just can’t explain what’s wrong and Alfred’s heart breaks because there’s nothing he can do.

He can help. He can listen, he can reassure, he can distract, and when they’re visiting, he can kiss and cuddle and rub shoulders and stroke hair and make Toris smile but he can’t fix this and knowing that just kills him.

 I’m supposed to be the fucking hero, but I’m just as helpless as he is!

 Wait.

 Since when the hell has Toris been helpless?

Because he’s not helpless, he’s strong and noble and brave and somehow, despite all the bullshit he’s been through, has it in him to still be kind, and Alfred knows that. Toris can stand up for himself, he can kick absolute ass on the basketball court, he can be an emotionally stable anchor for anyone else when they need it, how in the world could Alfred think he was helpless?

There’s a fine line between wanting to make someone feel better out of genuine concern, and out of feeling better about yourself, and Alfred realized with a guilty lurch that he’d been toeing that line pretty dangerously.

 Not very heroic.

Should he talk to Toris about it? Their faith and confidence in each other was a big factor in their relationship, their trust in each other to be able to discuss problems and work through them together, and this realization he had that he’d always - subconsciously - thought of Toris this way was something that should be worked through.

Or, did it though? Maybe it had been affecting how Alfred treated Toris, but know that he knew, he could change that by himself, right? Besides, Toris had been so busy lately, flying across Europe for this event and that meeting, and his back pain was coming back, and this would only make him worry, and he didn’t need anymore worry, Alfred could handle it by himself, Toris would probably just get overwhelmed and he’d only feel worse and...

 Ah, shit. I’m doing it again, aren’t I?

It’s tough, but he tells Toris about it. He doesn’t think he explains it very well - there’s a lot of vague gesturing and apologizing and long pauses - but Toris is patient and listens closely. When he’s done, Alfred feels awkward and guilty - it hurt to say all that out loud - but Toris doesn’t look mad. He looks thoughtful, lips pursed and fingers twined together, until they twine with Alfred’s instead.

The first thing he does is kiss him - gentle, on the cheek, and Alfred’s relieved - and says, “Thank you for telling me.”

He speaks some more, soft words about trust and self-awareness and how difficult it is to recognize your own faults, much less to admit them, and Alfred nearly cries when Toris says he’s proud of him. Then he does cry when Toris reminds him that they both take care of each other.

There’s work to be done, and more tough conversations to have, but they both promise to work through it together.

But, the timing of this conversation isn’t great. Only a couple days later, Toris gets called back home for something and leaves behind so much they still need to talk about, and the air in Alfred’s house feels thick and awkward. They have phone calls sure, but something about it isn’t intimate enough for the conversations that they need to have.

Alfred’s frustrated. Frustrated with himself, with the situation, with the fact that he’s feeling helpless in a whole new way and still a stubbornly habitual part of his brain thinks no, this isn’t right, I’m not supposed to be the helpless one!

It takes him hours to get a text together to send Toris, and even longer to send it because I don’t want to give him more to worry about - stop that! He wants to make sure I’m happy too!

“Sorry if it’s a bad time. You don’t have to read or reply right away, I’m just. Getting it out there I guess. I still feel awful, and I feel awful that I feel awful, because you do so much for me and I don’t think I ever actually realized that, and there’s still a stupid part of me that’s convinced I have to take care of you and make you happy and if it’s the other way around then something’s wrong and I’ve fucked up. And it’s worse when you’re not here, and I feel like blowing up your phone every five minutes going WHO ARE YOU WITH ARE YOU SAFE and I know that’s creepy and unhelpful and I hate thinking those things.

I worry about you, and I know you worry about me, but I can’t get that worry down to like, a healthy level of general care or concern. It’s like I’m at Red Alert: Toris is Sad Must Fix Everything all the time. And I know you don’t appreciate that. I know you can take care of yourself. But like. Part of me doesn’t know that? Or refuses to believe it. I dunno. This is getting really rambly I’m sorry. It must be like 3am where you are by now. I started typing this like 6 hours ago lmao. I dunno if I’m accomplishing anything by saying all this, but I wasn’t accomplishing anything by just sitting around feeling like shit either so. Yeah.

If you’re free and our schedules line up, can we try a face chat or something? It takes forever for me to put all this out in text lol. And, I wanna see you. No pressure, whenever works for you, okay?

Love you.”

He doesn’t sleep well that night, but there’s reply by the next morning.

“Oh, mylimasis, you’re putting yourself through a lot, aren’t you?

I’m sorry, this is going to be short, things are hectic on my end. You have no idea how badly I want to speak with you right now, but this will have to do in the meantime.

You’re doing very well. Trust me, I know how difficult it is to talk about these things. You’re being very brave, and I love you too, so much.

I have no idea when I’ll be able to face chat, if at all. I’m so sorry, but I’ll let you know as soon as I can get some free time, I promise.”

There’s a second message.

“Oh, and keep an eye on your mail for the next few days. I’m sending you something that may help.”

Alfred’s disappointed they can’t speak. But, he’s relieved as well, and curious about what’s coming in the mail.

He gets his answer with a small but dense package about a week later. It’s a green herb cutting in a little terra cotta pot, snuggly wrapped in paper padding. There’s a typed note with it, obviously from the company that shipped the herb, but the words are all Toris’.

“Mylimasis, you may not recognize this right away, but it’s my national flower. Rue. Ruta graveolens. It’s a small, humble, and sturdy plant, useful in keeping pests away and able to survive in conditions that other plants cannot. When it blooms, the flowers are small and yellow. I’m sure you’ve seen me wear them before. I want you to take care of this little plant for me. It won’t be too difficult - just keep it in sunlight and water it every so often. It will thrive when you do, but even when you don’t, it will survive, and it will grow. Maybe a bit slower, but it will grow, whether you are there or not.

And so will I. If you are with me or without me, I will survive. Life will be better when I will be with you, but it will not be awful when I am without you. I want you to look at this sturdy little plant and remember that wherever I am, I am okay, and I will come home to you in one piece and no worse for wear, and I will be so, so happy to see you.

I was going to add something here about how the plant can take care of you too by using it to make medicines, but that can actually be very dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing. So, I will drop the flowery language (haha!) and just say that I am here for you just as much as you are there for me.

I will see you again, and hopefully very soon.

With love and utter adoration,

-Toris”

Alfred cries again, but he’s smiling as he put the little herb on the kitchen windowsill and spreads the curtains open wide.

[dillydedalus]

october reading

 books. i read ‘em.

the bird king, g. willow wilson ugh i’m disappointed with this - i expected it to be more about the fall of granada, rather than just taking that as a jumping-off point for a very slow story of how fatima (concubine to the last andalusian sultan) and her bff hassan (magical mapmaker) escape from lady inquisitor luz to a magical/legendary island. that’s more of an expectation mismatch, but i also found this just a bit boring and confused, didn’t like the characters or the emotional moments. 2.5/5

lanark: a life in four books, alasdair gray y’all... this is a weirdo pomo mess which gray himself describes as ‘a portrait of the artist as a frustrated young glaswegian’ (instant love), it’s about duncan thaw growing up in post-war glasgow (not a good place) and lanark, sans memories, finding himself in the city of unthank (probably The Bad Place), where the sun hardly ever shines and people grow dragonskin, but really it’s about art & cities & politics & scotland & hell. it’s completely nuts & has a chapter where the protagonist meets the author in the process of writing and there’s a chapter-long sidebar detailing all instances of plagiarism in the book (incl. the lack of influence from robert burns, more sinister than all plagiarism). it’s a bit flabby in places & could stand to be a 100-200 pages shorter, but damn. 4/5

the memory police, yoko ogawa (tr. from japanese by stephen snyder) very atmospheric, quietly disturbing magical realist(ish) book about an island on which sometimes certain things (birds, roses, ribbons, fruit) just disappear, with the inhabitants losing their memories and emotional connection to the thing. the disappearances seem to occur randomly and on their own, but the memory police makes sure that no disappeared items remain and that those who can still remember also... disappear. really liked the quiet slow dread building here, the mysterious workings of the disappearances, and the interplay between the main story and the novel the narrator is writing while worrying whether words too will soon disappear. 4/5

trick mirror: reflections on self-delusion, jia tolentino collection of nine essays about roughly, life & self-image & politics in the social media age (and its predecessor, the reality tv age), gender politics and uh scams and self-delusions. many of these essays felt vaguely like things i’d read before online (& i might have) & didn’t offer anything completely new but i liked the examinations of big wedding culture, and her take on the ‘difficult woman’ archetype of millenial feminism. tolentino in general is an engaging, sharp writer, and even when she’s writing about familiar topics, she often puts an interesting spin on things. 3.5/5

here in berlin, cristina garcía and the anglophone-berlin-books saga continues. a cuban-american woman with a mild personal crisis goes to berlin (as people w/ personal crises so often do) and there collects a variety of snapshot stories from berliners (by birth or choice or accident), mostly about world war 2 and the latin american diaspora in berlin. some of the snapshots are p interesting or bizarrely funny but mostly they retread the same ground (history, trauma, collective & personal responsibility, commemoration etc) without really saying anything new (except the connection garcía makes between the nazis and south american dictatorships). there’s also a pretty annoying attempt to create authenticity by peppering in german words and phrases which sometimes aren’t even appropriate or spelled correctly* (get a german proofreader you cowards i’ll do it for free... like wtf is ‘volkenbrot’). 2/5 *i ordered it used and got an ARC, so maybe some of these issues were fixed for the final version but lmao. volkenbrot. 

wilder girls, rory power this is annihilation as YA, set on an island called raxter where a mysterious illness called the tox has taken over, transforming the wilderness, the animals (deers grow canines y’all), and most of all the girls at raxter boarding school. the narrator’s eye has fused shut & something is growing under it, her friend has grown an extra spine, other girls have gills or claws. less fortunate girls (and most of the teachers) just die. there was a lot i liked about this, especially the tox and the ambivalent relationships the girls have to their changed bodies, but the last third just... eh. also, like, i like tumblr monster-girl poetics as much as the next person, but this is really overdoing it. 2.5/5

nach mitternacht (after midnight), irmgard keun KEUN HYPE TRAIN!!! this one’s super interesting because it’s the first novel keun wrote in exile, published 1937 and set at around the same time. the protagonist, sanne, is a naive and politically uneducated 19-year-old who is repeatedly & very dramatically confronted with the political reality she lives in, first when her aunt denounces her to the gestapo and later when her boyfriend franz is arrested. for most of the (very short) novel, sanne is observing and not quite understanding the increasing legal discrimination against jews, culture of paranoia and denouncement, and glorification of fascist ideology, which makes for a very disturbing reading experience, especially with the reader’s retrospective knowledge, but the climax is truly nightmarish & devastating. 4/5

children of god, mary doria russell the sequel to the sparrow, which i read & loved earlier this year. in this one, emilio sandoz, still in recovery from the trauma of his first trip to the planet rakhat, is forced to return there (bc the pope thinks it’s god’s will lol) and finds the planet changed after decades (space travel makes time weird) of revolution and civil war. i liked this but it’s not as good as the sparrow, the characters (except my man emilio) aren’t as interesting & well-developed and the dual timeline structure isn’t as well-executed but hey. there’s some closure for emilio & that made me hella emosh. 3.5/5

the wilful princess & the piebald prince, robin hobb a novella telling the true (?) story of charger farseer, the piebald prince, a historical figure that has great influence on the six duchies of fitz’s time, especially regarding the treatment of the witted (people who can magically bond with aninmals) and how fitz is framed & reviled as the ‘witted bastard’. this was cool & i enjoyed how it twists the story, but it’s not worth reading if you haven’t read the main series. 3/5

the inheritance, robin hobb/megan lindholm collection of short stories by hobb under her two pseudonyms - i mostly skipped the lindholm ones (sorry), but the three hobb ones were really really good. the first is about the first expeditions into the rain wilds (i love the cursed shores so much & wish there was a full trilogy about the first settlers there), the second is about bingtown & wizardwood, the third is about how sometimes you gotta kill your abusive ex & if you’re lucky, your cat will help you do it. it’s great & the cat is called marmelade. 4/5 for the hobb stories only

unholy land, lavie tidhar alternate history + multiple realities + high-concept pulp - lior tirosh, a pulp author (it’s meta) returns to his homeland, the jewish state palestina, established in east africa in the early 20th century, and there becomes involved in... rival plots to destroy/stabilise the borders between the worlds, not only between this alternate one and our real one, which tirosh seems to occasionally slip into, but all the million others, including one where the moon broke. love the concept, but this is so vague & confusing on so many points and the ending so abrupt that i was left kinda frustrated & unsatisfied (also bc we never find out much more about the world where the moon broke). 3.5/5

tigermilch (tiger milk), stefanie de velasco german ya book about two teen girls growing up in a poor neighbourhood in berlin. nini’s father is absent, her mother depressed, while jameelah’s father died in iraq and her mother is worried that they might be deported, and their bosnian friend amir’s sister is dating a serb. it’s some pretty harrowing stuff & it’s good to see Issues (TM) addressed in german ya in a way that doesn’t feel super didactic & preachy, but ultimately i’m really not the target audience here. 3/5

sea monsters, chloe aridjis

weirdo brainy dreamy novella about a girl in 80s mexico running away from mexico city to the beach because she’s looking for ukrainian circus dwarfs (???). i liked a lot about this (atmosphere, poetic & mythical allusions, a lot of the writing, the depictions of mexico city and the weird beach culture are both really cool) but a lot of the time this was so dreamy that i just kinda zoned out. 3/5

i am currently reading emma by jane austen bc i forgot about my monthly austen project until the last few days of the month lol & one of the hugo long list anthologies. the one with the cool fox on it.

[misha-moose-dean-burger-lover]

Prompt! You said detailed would make things easier, so I tried to make things specific, if its more than you meant, idc if you change stuff lol Sam&Gabriel under the stars. Gabriel misses his family in heaven, not that he'd necessarily give his brothers hugs if they showed up, but he misses how things used to be. He feels guilty about telling Sam beause Sams obviously not the biggest fan of his family (especially Lucifer+the cage) & he's happy with Sam so he feels ashamed of missing his brothers

Thank you for the prompt! I got to it finally, and it got very long, and kind of disappointing because I realized it had gotten too long and ended it - but I hope it’s as per your liking, dear anon! Thank you very much for suggesting me a prompt in the first place ^-^

***

“Sam,” Gabriel tried saying, and the hunter turned his head to face him, with a ‘listening’ expression on his features. It wasn’t often, at least these days, that Gabriel got to see Sam without the worrying frown, or the anxious crease in his forehead. But, for once, he was actually relaxed - a mild smile playing on his lips, and a mellow twinkle in his eyes.

It could have something to do with Gabriel laying next to him, with Sam’s arm tucked under him - pinned by his head resting against the plush grass.

Or, it could have something to do with the stars. The night sky that they were sprawled out under, twinkling with an infinite array of starry bodies - the moon giving her responsibilities away to the constellations as she rests behind a billowing grey cloud, and the starlight becoming instead what lights up the Earth that night.

Sam loved this, he knew. Of course he did - perhaps the stars and the sky made it impossible to worry, by telling you that there were greater forces of nature battling the Universe for order and peace - and that until the Sun rises and everyone has to go along their workaday world, you should get stop worrying yourself about the consequences and let go.

“Hey,” Sam reminded, his voice gentle as it cut through his reverie. Gabriel remembered that he’d just taken Sam’s name - was about to say something to him, rather than just muse in a poetic lingo in his head about the absence of Sam’s brooding lines.

Sam loved this, Gabriel knew. Which is what made it even harder to start speaking of what was in his mind.

It was not that Sam was getting impatient, but he repeated himself nonetheless. “Hey,” Once again, soft and comfortable. “You were saying?”

Gabriel looked at Sam once again, his loose-lipped smile and wide, concerned eyes. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t tell Sam.

“No,” He substituted, turning on his side to get closer to Sam - it did take away his view of the stars, but a view of his tall, strong hunter in plaid, smiling like he finally could, was more welcome to him, at the end of the day. “Said your name for no reason. Nevermind.” He forced a reassuring smile so practised, that Sam couldn’t read through it at the moment and believed him.

“Don’t wear it out,” Sam said, his dialogue carrying an intonation of humor, using his arm’s restricted movement to stroke Gabriel’s back. His eyes stayed on the archangel for but a second, before they flickered back up to the aweing sky, and Gabriel didn’t mind, because Sam was still smiling at the sky, and this was all Gabriel needed to be happy.

*

Except when it wasn’t.

Except when the voices in his own head rebelled against the rest of his conscience, and yearned for a familiar face, the sound of a brother’s voice, the touch of one of his kin.

Yet Sam’s arm around him elated him, and he was never not exhilarated to have this man next to him - close to him, as they were now. Stretched out on a meadow in Nova Scotia, under the vast and dark sky, without a care in the moment and Sam’s happy.

It’s all he needs to be happy, Gabriel promises himself, it truly is.

Except when it isn’t.

*

“Sam,” Gabriel says, even softer this time, as if to see if the hunter could even hear him.

He did, and lifted his head to look Gabriel in the eye. “Yeah?”

Gabriel swallowed.

What are you even going to say? 'I’m sorry you’re having fun here and are happy with me and the sky and the stargazing but I’m not and I need to talk to you about it because you’re the only person I can talk to, but I don’t want you to be upset - so can you please hear me out whining about my brothers in a perfectly objective sense and not as if I am not happy with you?’ Is that what you’re leading with? Awesome. Do it. Ruin the one thing you have going for you. Upset the one man you trust and love. Wipe that smile off his face.

“Huh,” He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of the nagging in his head. “I was just saying…” His voice trailed off, unthinking. Where were words when you needed them?

There was a pause. Sam waited, and blinked at him.

And then he didn’t wait anymore, and used his free hand to lift his head and shoulders off the ground, and twisted in the air, and dipped - to get to Gabriel’s lips, and capture them in a chaste, caressing kiss.

Gabriel instantly closed his eyes, losing himself to the momentary buzz of everything, and the familiar tingling under his skin of every time Sam kisses him, especially that inconspicuous and melting, before Sam pulled off gently and got back in place, on his back next to Gabriel.

“It’s like you read my mind, Sammy.” Gabriel joked, pursing his lips to preserve the traces of Sam on them. “I love how we just understand if the other needs some sugar these days.”

Sam grinned, his dimples lighting up Gabriel’s world. “You need the other kinda sugar too, Gabe? We brought food, but have just been lying on the ground silently, for hours now.” He breathed out a small laugh, at the sound of that.

“Guess when you’re with me, nutrition is a forgotten trivial issue.” Gabriel supplemented, because if he didn’t add to Sam’s dialogue with a joke of his own, it would be suspicious to Sam as proof of his not-okay-ness. And then he’d ask him, with his caring voice and pleading eyes, to tell him about it. And Gabriel didn’t know how to.

“I still don’t feel like getting up.” Sam confessed, his leisurely voice in contrast to where Gabriel was at.

“Is that cue for me to insist that you ought to?” He bit his lip. “Or, is it cue for me to conjure up some food and shove it down your throat in a way that you don’t choke?”

“Neither.” Sam muttered. “Just stay put.” He shifted his arm around Gabriel to pull him closer still, until he was pressed against Sam’s side, warm and there. “I don’t care about food if you don’t. The World’s not ending, you’re right here, and its enough.”

He sounded like he meant it.

“For me too.”

*

Except when it wasn’t.

Except when his traitorous thoughts fled to his family again. To Raphael, who grew up next to him - now dead. To Michael, who raised him - now gone. To Lucifer, who knew him like no other, and made him all he was today - now, no more.

Yet the close memory of Sam’s lips on his, his palm still held to Gabriel’s spine, comforting - his voice so smooth and words so lovely - he, who said that Gabriel was enough, now back to looking at the skies and not his eyes, giving the coward in Gabriel the opportunity to flee to his pathetic family again.

Each time someone mentioned being happy, Gabriel couldn’t but think of them. The first fleeting images in his mind’s eye were of Sam, and the moments they’ve spent together - there were Cas, Dean, Jack, the others - but these were followed by an unending montage of his brothers, and the past.

For the time he spent with Sam may be the best part of his life ever - but it was hardly a millionth fraction of the time he’d spent without him. Aeons had passed when he’d only known the company of his brothers, and those had not been perfect, but they were something. And it pained him to realize, that it was a part of his happiness, to be with them; as much as he wished to be content.

It was a curse, and he didn’t know how he could live knowing that ugly truth about himself, unless he told it aloud to someone, and didn’t it always, alwayshave to be Sam?

*

“Sam,” Gabriel mouths, wishing that his voice goes unheard, but Sam dutifully turns his head to meet Gabriel’s eyes, and blinks in a manner of saying, yes?

Third time’s the charm, right?

“I need to tell you something.” Gabriel goes on, riding out the adrenaline when he can, and Sam instantly begins to sit up, the crease back in his forehead and Gabriel balks.

This is exactly what he didn’t want.

“No!” He yelps, and almost pushes Sam back down. He goes easily, and downright socials at Gabriel now.

“What?” He demanded. “This sounds like a sitting-up conversation.”

“I don’t want it to be,” Gabriel protested, and he sounded so pathetic that Sam calmed down instantly.

“Fine,” He said, in a soothing voice, his eyes looking although he regretted momentarily raising his voice. “Talk to me, Gabriel.”

I need you to stop frowning. Keep smiling, and keep telling me to tell you this, and maybe I’ll get it out.

Gabriel groaned, frustrated with his own head. “I’m going to.” He swore, inhaling deeply.

“You wanting to 'talk’ talk to me,” Sam continued. “Is the best thing I’ve heard all day.”

“Yeah, I know healthy communication is your kink,” Gabriel let out, as a means to lighten the mood.

Sam didn’t even object. “What is this about?”

Its about me being a greedy sonuvabitch who isn’t happy enough with the greatest man ever lying next to me and kissing me and smiling at me - and missing my family and needing my brothers to complete the picture before I can be content!

“I don’t know.”

Sam’s mouth poised in displeasure. “Something is bothering you. Is it about us?” He looked almost afraid.

“No!” Gabriel almost leapt to his feet in protest at Sam keeping up the sad eyes. “Don’t say that! It’s not! It’s just -”

I miss my brothers. Yes, the ones who destroyed your family, and even killed you! The Michael who almost drove your brother crazy, and possessed him! The Raphael who killed your best friend, Cas! The Lucifer who -

He couldn’t do this.

He can’t tell Sam, that he missed his family. Because that would mean that he missed Lucifer. And Lucifer, to Sam, was…

He couldn’t do this.

“You know what, Samshine?” Gabriel blinked a couple of times to regain his composure. “False alarm. Nothing to talk about.”

Sam narrowed his eyes at him. “That’s not how it works.”

“But it did,” Gabriel convinced. “I’m all good. Seriously. Stop thinking about it.”

“Gabriel,” Sam tried to coax. “Talk to -”

“I promise, Sammy,” Gabriel swore, his eyes wide and frantic unknown to him. “I’m happy!”

Are you?

“I don’t wanna poke, or make you uncomfortable,” Sam said, cautiously. “But I want you to know that you can always talk to me. About anything, Gabriel. Know that I’ll listen, know that I’ll not mind anything you have to say, and know that I care about you and everything that matters to you.”

Gabriel didn’t deserve Sam.

*

Gabriel didn’t deserve Sam.

Sam deserved someone with less baggage. Sam deserved someone who was as wonderful as he was - or at least, close, since equal was probably not possible.

Gabriel knew he was happy with Sam.

He knew he was.

But he also knew that he missed his brothers. He did and that made him unhappy and that was the truth.

He needed to try a different approach maybe.

*

“Wouldn’t you miss Dean?”

Sam blinks, and there’s suddenly a sharpness in the look he spares in his direction. “Why would I miss him?”

Gabriel chewed on his lip. “If he wasn’t here, wouldn’t you feel bad about it?”

“Dean’s back home at the bunker with Cas, and I’ll meet him when we get back after tonight, right?” Sam explained, a little confused. “So, it’s more like ‘good riddance’ rather than ‘I miss him’ - because it’s Dean.”

Gabriel swallowed. He was gonna do this. Sam may get mad at him, and he had no idea what he’d do if Sam began to hate him - but he also sorta knew that he wouldn’t get angry at him for sharing something like this because it was Sam, and that was one of the millions of good things about him.

I miss my family.

He was ashamed of himself, nonetheless. He misses how things used to be, and he misses his brothers. But he’s happy right now. How does he tell Sam that, in the same breath.

I miss my brothers, but you’re family now.

It was true. The Winchesters and Cas were more or less family now. Sam was everything. Except he was everything good, and Gabriel longed for ‘everything’ everything.

“I miss them.” He finally got out, and paused for an overly long moment. Sam was looking at him cautiously, and patient. “Michael, Raphael, Lucifer.” He choked on saying the names aloud, after so long hearing them roll off his tongue. “I’ve been thinking about them, I dunno why. Maybe it’s the sky that reminds me of my brother’s wings, or the -” He paused, again. And looked up at Sam, who was staring back at him intently.

“Go on,” Sam prompted.

“I miss my family in heaven, Sam. I wouldn’t exactly hug them if they showed up, but I miss how things used to be - before everything.” He stopped abruptly. “I don’t wanna make you feel bad.” Gabriel admitted, looking down. “Can you please not think that you’re not perfect for me, because I’m telling you I miss them?”

Sam rolled his eyes incredulously. “Where’s the connection between those things?” He went on, in a more understanding voice, as Gabriel’s words began to ring in his head as making sense. “You don’t need to feel like I’m everything to make you happy, Gabriel, why even would you think that?”

Gabriel was honestly perplexed. “But -”

“It’s a thing we say.” Sam sighed, speaking of humans, to an archangel. “And yeah, Gabriel, you make me happy and I’m seriously happy right now with you - but that doesn’t mean that if Dean needed me, or Cas or Jack needed help, I’d not freak and leave at once! It goes without saying! They’re family, Gabriel, and you don’t prioritize within families.”

“No! I get that!” Gabriel protested. “It’s just that - I’m not supposed to miss them! You’re not a fan of my family - especially, uh, Lucifer, and - everything. They’re not - they’re not exactly the… best.”

“But you’re allowed to,” Sam muttered.

“They hurt you.”

“They hurt you too. And it’s not about me right now. This is a part of you, that’s separate from me in this aspect - and families work like that, Gabe.” Sam answered, as if it was that simple. “I’ve gotten hurt plenty, but that doesn’t mean I can turn off the switch of missing my family altogether.”

“Are you really telling me that it’s fine for me to miss my brothers, who’ve hurt, tortured and killed you and your family, just because I do?”

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “That’s what I’m saying.”

“How can you be so - how do you not hate me right now?” Gabriel frowned, genuine and sincere. “I’m talking about some archangels who wanted to end this World! Can you stop being so good to me about it?”

“Can you stop beating yourself up over this?”

Gabriel shook his head, with a hint of a sour grin.

“Can you stop wanting me to be upset over this?” Sam proposed alternately, and Gabriel drew in a long breath, and nodded. He moved closer, putting his head on the latter’s chest, kinda so he didn’t have to look him in the eye. “I know what it feels like, Gabriel. There was a time when I missed Ruby, you know. And she wasn’t a good thing - but I did, and I got over it - but what I mean is that you’re allowed to have these feelings because they’re feelings - I trust you enough that you’re not gonna try to free Michael from the cage or wake..Lucifer in the Empty - but as long as it’s about you missing your brothers, Gabriel, that is fine.”

He was close to tears. Sam was the most perfect thing to ever happen to him. Sure as hell, he didn’t deserve Sam Winchester - but he happened to get him, and he couldn’t ask for anything else.

Even if he did, it was apparently okay to Sam. Because he was goddamn nuts, and also the best person on the planet, and Gabriel loved him for it all.

“I don’t like missing them.” Gabriel confided, after a moment of silence when the tension eased from the air and a comfortable vibe settled into their veins. Sam had his lips pressed to Gabriel’s forehead, and he was running a hand through the curls at the back of his neck. He didn’t stop when Gabriel began to speak. “I don’t know how to deal with it. There was Loki before, and then Asmodeus, and then the alternate universe crap - but now, there’s you and me, and there’s peace, and there’s an opportunity for me to think about them, and I wish I didn’t have to. There’s this pang of longing, and I can’t voice it to myself even, because yeah, I miss them, and I’ve never had to do it before.”

“I get it.” Sam murmured. “But, I know something that might help.” There was a smile in his voice when he continued. “Talking about it helps.”

“I don’t wanna talk about missing them, it’ll be worse -”

“No. Tell me what you miss.” Sam urged. “Tell me stories about heaven, tell me of the things which stand out. Tell me about your favorite brother, and your best day with him. Tell me your tale, I’m listening, and I know it’ll make you feel better.”

“You really wanna hear about the most dysfunctional family in the Universe?” Gabriel teased. “We even drove God off, so.”

“I do.”

“What if I tell you about me and Raphael helping Father in his workshop,” Gabriel’s voice rose with excitement, the vibrations running through Sam’s being too. “Oh, wait, the moon! The craters in the moon! I could tell you how, uh, Lucifer was partially responsible for it!”

“You could,” Sam repeated.

“Will you tell me weird stories of you and Dean in return?” He conditioned.

“No,” Sam laughed. “Tonight’s your night. Don’t start feeling obligated to listen to me, as a compensation for me listening to you - and we aren’t doing a couples’ sharing activity. I wanna hear about you, and you’re gonna tell me - and on a completely unrelated date from today, I’m gonna tell you about Dean and Baby and his obsession with pies and fear of flying. But today, you talk to me.” Sam ended, with a slight brush of his lips on the top of Gabriel’s head, and Gabriel began to speak as Sam turned his eyes back to the sky, and smiled while he listened.

“Well, are you more interested in the origin of platypuses or walruses, because they’re both awesome stories!”

[cutegirlmayra]

Sonamy Week - Pokemon

30th Jul – pokemon

(Comin’ in early, lol)

Prompt 1----

Sonic pouted as he was released from his Pokeball, sitting on the ground with his arms folded in contempt. How could Chris be leaving him here? Of all places! In a Daycare center!

“Come on, Sonic. It won’t be for long.” Chris bent himself down, his bronze hair spiking up on different ends as the Caretaker man nodded with approval.

“That’s right! After all, we’re here to help you grow strong. Nice fresh air, No longer bundled up in your pokeball—many pokemon enjoy the freedoms and hospitalities that the Daycare offers!”

Sonic only narrowed his eyes to the man, and then looked back with silent judgment at Chris.

He wasn’t going to forgive so easily… nor see it their way anytime soon.

Chris smiled sweetly but sweated a little in realizing Sonic was going to stay upset and feeling betrayed by him. “It’s only for a couple of days. I have to train the others and… well,” he put his hand behind his head, his smile growing sheepish. “I kinda favor you too much, Sonic… I need to learn to use my whole team and not rely on you so much. You understand, don’t you? I just want you to have fun, make some friends, and get stronger so that when we meet again… we can take on that gym and not be caught off-guard like last time.” He formed a fist and held it out to his little buddy. “Come on, Sonic… I promise I won’t be gone long.”

Sonic had turned his head, down and away. But with the gentle pleading from Chris, he looked up and lost some of his rebellious fire. He sighed and fist-pumped him, smiling slightly before losing it when Chris started to walk away.

“I know I can count on you, Sonic! Take care! I’ll be back real soon!” he waved as he ran off, leaving Sonic staring with his ears drawing back and his shoulders rising in sorrow.

Never had he felt so alone before… not since he met Chris.

He yawned only a few moments later while sitting in a tree he had found in the Daycare’s backyard nature enclosure and just ate some yummy berries and apples for a while.

He took the large, plumb red thing and gobbled it in one bite, chewing and savoring the taste a moment out of boredom before hearing a pleasant shrill from below.

“Hmm?” he turned to look down and blink his eyes in curiosity.

A pink pokemon, mostly squatting underneath the tree had her eyes hovering daintily upon his form in the tree. As if by instinct, she tried to climb the tree, but kept slipping and looking disappointed that she couldn’t make her way up to him. She threw a mini-tantrum and summoned what looked to be a hammer, using it to hit the tree to try and knock him out.

Out of surprise and how quickly this whole interaction was going, Sonic bounced at the blows from the tree and clung to it, not liking her forceful approach after failing the direct route.

She huffed and breathed hard, before tearing up and shouting, “AMY! Amy Rose!”

He flicked an ear, that must be her name.

“Sonic!” he cried down but huffed his nose in a bit of annoyance. Who does this Amy Rose think she is? Demanding him to come down and introduce himself.

She seemed to lighten up now that he had responded to her his name, before stomping her foot and pouting again. Such a fickle creature…

She continued to try and pressure him out of the tree, but after a moment of her bantering he lay back down on the comfy branch he had found and took another apple from behind himself. He took a bite and chewed, watching her continue to shake her arms about and get him to come down so she could properly meet him. He ended up closing his eyes and turning his back, tossing the apple over his shoulder and having it fall and gently whack her in the face.

The force had her teeter a little off center, but her eyes quickly shifted to pointed arrows to reveal her discomfort.

She rubbed her head,… glaring up at him and now silently plotting her next move…

Unwilling to yield, she took her hammer and slammed the ground, getting some lift.

“Ahh!~” she happily left the ground and felt like she was floating up towards him, and as he turned his head to look lazily back at her, he followed with his eyes to see her fly straight over the tree.

“AHHHH!!!” She cried out as she flew too far and ended up crashing into another tree behind his own.

He thought that was funny.

She dusted off the branches from her head, having a bigger red spot on her head from the impact, and looked sorrowfully back at the new arrival.

Frustrated, she held back her tears, raising her arms a bit up by her sides and stomping away, kicking down bushes to trample over them and get as far away from her embarrassment as possible.

Chris came back a little while later, asking about Sonic, but not taking him back just yet.

“How’s he doing?”

“Well… They don’t seem to get along very well.”

“Who?”

“There’s this pokemon here that has never been retrieved since being dropped off here many years ago. She’s a wonderful pokemon. Always caring for and protecting the weaker pokemon that we take in here. She’s really quite sweet, but I’m afraid they’ve been rather at odds with each other, especially as of late…”

The Old caregiver, turning from having his face to the phone where Chris’s image was on a screen, shifted to see Amy racing after Sonic. “You’ve got quite a Hasty Natured friend, dear trainer. I’m afraid it’s making her rather Bold.”

“He may seem like a Hasty nature-“ Chris began, looking kindly to the man. “But I think he’s rather Lonely at heart.”

“Heh-heh, quite right.” The old man nodded, turning back to the camera with an understanding smile on his face. “I’ve seen cases like this before. Usually, it just takes some time for the two to get used to each other. And if I know Amy Rose, she’s not the kind of pokemon to leave a friend in need!”

“I’ll leave you all to him then.” Chris bowed a little from the screen.

“We’ll do our best.” The old man bowed back and hung up the phone, before sighing and looking out at the two again. “But really… those two have made quite a racket.” He rubbed his bald head before his wife came in, holding some baby pokemon in her arms.

“Is everything alright, deary?”

He waved a carefree hand to her, “Not to worry, my love. Just some drama out back. You know how it can be sometimes with new pokemon entering the daycare.”

The wife ‘oh’d and turned to the window, peering out, and being sure to lean just enough to where she could be unspotted from the rest of the world outside. “My~ Do you think they just need time?”

“Probably a little more than time.” The old man hooted, before lovingly walking over to his wife and holding her a moment. “After all, it’s not like we haven’t been in the same predicament before! Heh-heh-heh!”

“Oh, you tease.” She shook her head to him before the two laughed once more and shared a light peck on the cheek.

“Whelp, I’m off to work.”

“Same here. Be safe, deary.”

He nodded and put on some boots to do some cleaning out back, and then walked out.

As he did so, the wind sped by him, sweeping his loose clothes from his frail, thin body and having them rapidly ripple to the side. “What in blue blazes-?”

Blue as it ever could be, Sonic was trying desperately to avoid this rather spirited pokemon. He leaped over the pond where curious pokemon looked above them to see what was going on and spun deep into a Diglett hole.

He burrowed himself down, snickering, before being rooted out by Amy as she took hold of his foot and started tugging.

Not long after, he started fighting back. Growling even, though very mild, to see if that would sway her away from him. Nothing worked, and in the end, he just hung out on his tree where no matter how many times she tried to find a solution to getting to him, he would remain untouchable.

He yawned as the day began to set, before looking down and seeing her plop down by the base of his tree, finally seeming defeated.

He smiled, raising an eyebrow and took out some berries, chewing on them before he hearing soft sniffles.

Now, Sonic was notorious for his big heart, but no one here knew that.

Looking down, he could hardly ignore in blissful ignorance the soft crying of this tender pokemon… Although, granted, strong… She still seemed rather hearty.

She wiped her eyes and kept her face down. An odd kinship rose in Sonic, seeing as she was the female version of his particular species…

He groaned, moving an arm from behind his head and letting it dangle off the side of the branch while his neck arched back to let his head push off the branch.

He stood upright, annoyed again, before looking to the two Nidorina and Nidorino huddled up beside each other. They were sporting the typical Blue and Pink that their species usually had to distinguish itself by, and the two nudged gently their noses together before falling asleep.

Pouting at the sight, Sonic looked at the berries in his hand.

Was it right to be completely alone? Waiting on Chris?

Sounded boring now that he thought about it.

He gave up, hearing another small whimper from her and smacked his hand into his face, dragging the skin down with it as he decided to come down.

She kept rubbing her eyes and keeping her head down, even as he landed in front of her.

Finally, by shaking some berries in front of her, she opened one eye and looked surprised by his presence.

He smiled.

The friendly gesture led her to question him at first, before reaching a hand over and taking a berry.

She nibbled at first before her eyes lit up and started eating it rapidly down the hatch.

For some reason, feeding her fulfilled something in him, and he quickly ran around collecting more berries for her to munch on.

He sat and enjoyed watching her eat the berries he collected, as a light-hearted conversation began.

They were laughing, oddly enough, to one another and seeming to have a merry time. But when the Murkrow sounded the beginning of the night, Amy Rose looked up at the tree’s branch he was always situation on.

She looked back down at the ground, sorrowful.

Sonic looked to her face, then the tree’s branch.

He thought about what Chris had told him to do… make friends…

He closed his eyes and smiled wider. It wasn’t like he could refuse at this point.

Without another second, a loving look was given to Amy, and she was swept off her feet and carried up the tree like a gust of wind to a leaf.

She was amazed at first, but star-gazed and enjoyed the view from up top. She embraced him with eager noises of delight, as he couldn’t help but hold her, seeing as one false move and she’d be toppling down back to the ground again.

It almost nearly happened, and when he felt his grip around her waist slacken, and her body start to lean back, he immediately used all his muscle-reflex to grab her back to the steadiness of the branch and pull her towards him.

There was a brief pause under the rising moon…

But then Amy Rose slowly adjusted herself and turned her back to his chest, laying back and holding his arms that were now secured around her waist.

She smiled back to him, “Amy.” She stated. “Amy Rose.”

Her beautiful closed, but friendly smile sparked something in him.

“…Sonic.” He properly spoke this time. “Sonic The Hedgehog.”

Her eyes beamed at hearing his full name for the first time and nodded. She leaned back into him again, resting her eyes and tilting her head towards his.

He couldn’t help it. He just held her there, staring at a pokemon who would go through any lengths to receive a proper introduction.

He admired her for that… her determination, before looking up to the sky and pondering more about the stars, the universe… and maybe even a bit about fate.

“Ah! Chris!” The old man placed down his broom and held something inside his long daycare robe. “I assume you’re ready to pick up Sonic?”

“That’s right.” Chris looked to have a greater fire within him now. He must have felt ready to take on the gym again, and this time, him and Sonic—and the rest of his team—would not fail like last time. “How’s he been?”

“Oh, just fine!” The old man beamed, “They’re getting along very well.”

“Huh? Oh, you mean that Amy Rose pokemon?”

“That’s right.” He lead Chris into the back, as something protruded from his slightly exposed chest.

“Huh?” Chris was curious enough to ask, “What’s that? Underneath your robe?”

“Oh, this?” The old caretaker pulled out an egg. “Curiously enough, we just found this laying around outside the daycare center! It oftentimes has happened where we’ll find an egg, but this one is of a curious design and nature. We’re not quite sure how they get here. Would you like to take care of it?”

“R-really?” Chris held out his hands as the Old man passed the mysterious egg to him. “It’s so light!”

“Yes, we believe it drifted down from the trees.” The man mused. “The wind was tossing it all around when we found it, had to run it down and catch it! Curious little things of nature, aren’t they?”

“Certainly, sir.” Chris held the egg with great care, before seeing something blue rushing to greet him. “Sonic!”

Chris placed the egg protectively to the side and caught Sonic with the other, as he leaped into his arms and held him in a tight embrace for a moment.

“My! What an expression of devotion to one’s trainer!” The old man praised, wiping a single tear from his eye. “He must have truly missed you.”

“Haha, I missed you too buddy!” Chris placed him down and showed him the egg, wondering if Sonic would like to sniff it. “Look what the daycare man gave me!”

Sonic didn’t see anything special about it. However, was curious enough to let the tip of his nose smell it.

It smelled familiar…

A slight chirpish, bark was heard from behind the three men, as Sonic turned with delight to stand and beckon her to him.

She was hiding behind the daycare wall… timid and afraid of a new trainer…

“Is that her?” Chris asked, seeing the kind reaction Sonic had to her and how shy she was acting…

“Yes… poor thing. We’re certain that her trainer abandoned her.” The Old caregiver sighed, “Such a waste of youth and a perfectly good pokemon companion…”

“…” Chris thought long and hard, seeing Sonic try and coax her out from the corner, but she still seemed rather hesitant. “…Mr. Daycare man?”

He turned to him, “Yes, my dear boy?”

“…I know you’ve already been so kind to me… and I wouldn’t want to ask more than I should but…” he looked at the egg, “Maybe…”

He was about to pass the egg back, hoping to exchange it for something else, but the Daycare man knew the thoughts of his heart before he even spoke them.

“No, take them. They deserve a kind-hearted trainer like yourself.” He gently pushed the egg back to his side and smiled as he gestured for Chris to approach Amy.

“Her name is Amy Rose. She’s the female variant of Sonic. I hope you’ll take good care of her.” Then, with a swipe of his daycare robe, he revealed her Pokeball. It was a Heal Ball, pink and perfect, shining in the morning light.

He took the ball and walked over to Sonic, bending down and trying to coax her out too. “It’s alright, I won’t hurt you. I wanted to thank you for taking care of Sonic for me while I wasn’t around. I know he can be a bit… anti-social…”

Sonic looked back at him with some resentment at him stating that… but knew it was slightly true and rolled his eyes.

“I have an egg here. I’m not really sure how to care for baby pokemon… but I heard you have experience with taking care of smaller pokemon here at the daycare. I would be very grateful if you accompanied me and helped raise it to be a good pokemon, along with helping Sonic come out of his shellish ball a little bit.”

Sonic nudged his side, making Chris laugh as he seemed embarrassed and looked away. Chris could tell he was different, in a better way, of course.

“Will you?” he offered her the Pokeball.

She stared at her old Pokeball a moment, before looking to Sonic, still clinging to the daycare’s corner wall.

He nodded to her, striking a confident pose with his hands on his hips. ‘Join him.’ His eyes engaged hers, ‘Join us.’

She stared a moment longer back at Chris.

With adventure in her excitement, she gleefully jumped into Chris’s arms.

The Heal Ball swallowed her up in a burst of light, and Chris rose up and held it high. “Alright! I caught an Amy Rose!”

Sonic jumped up in joy too, matching the pose with an even cooler one, before coming back down and giving him a thumbs up and a signature wink.

“I’m happy you made a friend, Sonic.” Chris smiled sweetly, as Sonic nodded his head.

Amy popped out of the Pokeball, hugging and loving on Sonic as he nervously took her affections and looked the other way.

“Amy!” she greeted, just a slightly higher pitch than normal. “Amy Rose!”

He turned slowly back to her, a look of regrettable charmed awareness that he was hoping wouldn’t show through as his eyelids bent back to show some further care for her than simply a new friend…

“Sonic.” He spoke out, “Sonic The Hedgehog.”

[infinitd]

Guilty

This is the last one. I’m already hovering the delete button but I have to type this one out first. It’s been sitting stewing and now festering in the back of my mind for way too long now. I’m guilty of way too much all at the same time and all of them with the singular cause that is me. Maybe this blog is public in that secret shared way some thigns get and the whole squad has BEEN reading it and trying to give healing and support in their own way without really knowing. lol. NOT. Well.... Where to even begin? Weed? Lix? Lovers? Parents? Brain? Siblings? Art? Pretty cool how they present themselves like that once you open the double bolted, extra secured walled off and guarded door. So lets do the order they’re already in.  Weed Is great and now it gives me anxiety and mild panic attacks. I get so paranoid I feel like the whole world is watching me and even now the primary craving is for fucking nicotine of all things and the association built between the 2 are too strong to break. Not that it would even be useful to. Weeds usefullness has run its course in my life and a dependancy I have spent the better part of a decade now has to go unsatisfied with a complete reversion to sobriety because alcohol was gotten over LONG ago. I’m still tending towards bingeing behaviour with that but its almsot always a reaction rather than an actual desire to get fuucked up. No more high nights floating just under my ceiling . Hours and hours of dota and that most NEET night time routines. No more weed first thing at parties or braais and hanging with friends too stoned to converse or just talking about weed like its the only thing in my life. Prepare for a million comments on how different I am and a tacit understanding that I probably wanna get high until everyone gets used to the idea of me just being and then aggresively EXISTING again. Along with all the negative attention that comes with that I have completely lost understanding and connection with. Well that’s weed I guess (Shit i got distracted and Imma have to read all this shit again )

Lix

 The bestie thing is all fucked up and my (probably correct) suspicion is that he’s just good old tired of me. I nthat friend way. There is literally no value to my friendship. Not even material and he’s unemployed at the moment so you know it’s bad. That last cash send felt like paying rent on a friendship and I figure he must have also felt pretty gross taking it even though he needed it. Lol I wont be doing that again.I’m just intellectually and emotionally inferior at the moment, Fuck the complex. It’s just faxx now. The other one is at least figureing out (bizarre and mildly fucked up) shit for himself but Stormu no Kyodai really is just about over now. The bands broken up and all those successful bands breakups make sense now. You’ve just drawn every but of moisture and goodness out of a thing and it gets husky and weird to keep tending to it. I haven’t been a decent human being never mind friend for so long that I completely udnerstand and agree with how I’m being handled. It doesn’t even hurt that bad. It’s just weird and awkward for everyone involved and it does me no good to be catching shots. especialyl when i’m not really doing anything about it then and there. It’s only ever fun if I have a reply and this time I don’t. not even a little one. Just weak allusions to “progress” when it’s just good old fashioned laziness now. So this I deserve and I’m trying to cultivate my own friendships but my source material to work with now isn’t great and invariably I will probably find myself in a similar position to him before long. That weed addition is pretty rough on anything truly meaningful. All in all it is pretty sad that things can go this way especialyl with the newest addition of having productive and contributary friends in your life. Of course it’sa  good thing but it did kinda eliminate me from the running and that makes me lame. Now it’s just navigating this kinda weird and uncomfortable space where he wont say shit to cause damage. I wotn say shit cos I have hope and in the meanwhile the relationship will circle the proverbial drain until distance, time or some other factor snaps the last frayed string. But it is what it is. Lovers

Is actualyl kinda good. The one thing i’ve reconciled at the seeming expense of everything else is love and relationships and my ways of dealing and itneracting with em. I don’t miss exes and I don’t pine over lost lovers other that the typical momentary lapses which is cool. My current love is great. She’s good to me and I’m trying to be to her and its just good, Good all round. All good. Goodness. I sometimes feel like im trying to convince my self of something when it coems to this but actions and results sort of show themselves and it’s just been a constant relief since I’ve surrendered to it really. I’m not even holding my breath for it to last or building foundation. I’m just doing and that seems to work out best when it comes to just about everything.( This does not Feel Good Inc). PRetty wild to me that the lvoers part of this is by far the shortest and best handled but its revelaton did come at the cost of everyting else so yeah...

Parents Is god fucking awful. I mean in truth it’s kind of incredible. I’ve got the best pair imaginable on my team but it’s the resignation that kills my heart of hearts. There is no more expectation of hope or action. No drive or threats. Just plain shoulder shrugs and even that i deserve but when I finally figred it out it floored me. I have no idea baout their intentions or plans anymore. I’m completely out of the loop for the whole family it seems and I’m jsut waiting for the announcement of the intervention or the move out order or the random cash giveaway to get rid of me, I don’t even know but if not for mom I’d have been kicked out long ago. That’s pretty much a certainty and that “mothering” thing is startign to show both it’s calue and its problems. It’s far too comfortable a place to give up easily especially when you don’t bother to be really self aware. But here we are typing the things out. That’s ...a thing.... That they’ll never read or know about and that’s ok. 

Brain

Is poop cos I smoked too much but its Ok too. The regeneration process is gonna be a trip of its own. Really uncomfortable and loopy with unexplainable feelings and intuitions but that’s also OK. Better than Ok it’s recovery. The body will will be right there trhrough the process. I’m even interested in things again. Siblings is also a bit fucky. The disappointment is tangible but they’re not allowed to give up yet. We all inherited that one and it does help when i see the glimmers of hope. I don’t feel garbage but it normally starts with e being normal and not being in my head while interacting. Doing that assuming the best thing I used to be so good at. E is over me and kinda frustrated. Very Kev of him. Neez is trying but she has another baby to babysit and care about and I’m a tangential concern at best. The Suicide scare kind of reminded them of my existence in a weird but valuable way but it’s not an angle Im really trying to take. Especially now that I jsut realised what that anrrative ust look like to everyone it was shared withg hand it certainly was with khan which means by extension by the rest of the family. Probably explains strange interations now while i’ve been willfully poblivious and now I have to work to be cool again but it also wont ever be the same again unless someone else fucks up. But that’s a life long journey and doesn’t feel like it has the same urgency as the others. I’m alot more understood than I thought I was and that’s not a bad thing .

Art I’m going to go and make art and eat my girlfriends pussy and that’ll make me feel better and I’m excited for that.

Goodbye old complainy tumblr