#lol i just wanna be sensitive cus we did just take a break and i don’t want it to come off as a trauma dump

[did-system-did]

Life Update （╹◡╹）♡

tw: s*lf-h*rm / psych facility / st*tches

[started by Essence and finished/edited by me, Dillion. I wasn’t sure when she would be back to post. Hope your day is going well]

So, this past month or so has been one of the most challenging for me. A situation with my dad had a ripple effect that ended up with [redacted alter, I’ll call them Z for privacy] trying to k*ll us. This was the scariest thing I’ve had to experience as a person with DID. Just knowing that one minute I can be at work (i work from home) and the next minute I’m standing over myself with blood running down my arm. To know that someone I trusted and was working together to be a better person with can turn around and fully intend on ending our life… it’s terrifying.

I had to go to the ER and was completely shaken up about it. This was the first time I went to seek help, and it was terrifying having to tell someone that I don’t remember picking up the knife, I couldn’t describe what it looked like, and that I don’t actually want to die. It was hard. And Z knew there was a slim to no chance I would ever get professionals involved out of fear of what they might do to me as punishment. But to be met with nurses and staff who were so supportive after hearing what happened, calling me brave and saying I did the right thing by coming—i really feel like i could get through it.

After they gave me st*tches they sent me to a psych facility for a couple days. I feel like this alone really saved my life. Being isolated and surrounded by people who care to help me, going to sessions where we talk about what we’re going through, talking with other patients, and bonding with my roommate. Everything about it was surreal and I feel so grateful I found the strength to seek help. I’m finally on medication for depression and anxiety, and i have therapy appointments coming up. Just looking back at how far i’ve come—living life unknowingly as a system my whole life, the fear of finally finding out, and figuring out how to cope with it.

I’m so happy we switched when we did because even as Z is being repressed, we can just see them st*bbing themselves over and over. Hearing their screams and cries every once in a while.. They’ve always struggled with manic episodes but it’s so hard seeing them like that in the inner world.

This healing journey is a shakey one, but I’m so hopeful on how everything will turn out.

-Dillion

[0225pm]

wow the quality of the video really sucks after it has been compressed but well i don’t have a choice!

anyway, i’m moving back to tumblr again mainly cus wordpress sucks and it’s not allowing me to post videos unless i buy their premium plan which is tbh a no cus idk why platforms for blogging should even charge you for the features that they were supposed to have???? also sadly, tumblr also only lets you post 1 video per post limit which is why i’ve put the pics and videos i took into in one but it’s better than not being able to post a video at all.

so it’s our monthsary!!!!

we’ve been officially together for 3 years and 5 months now and wow, i’ve only just realised what a long time that is 😂 honestly, if you want to count how long it has been since we first met each other, it’ll probably be about 8 years now. tho han sees it as 8 years but i see it as 3y5m cus idk who he was back then ya know what i mean? like i know the 3y5m him now than the him 8 years ago.

han sent me his live location as he does so every sat, and i was late. even tho he came all the way to my place i was still late :/ and i was so sorry 😭 i know there shouldn’t be any excuses for my lateness but i have my reasons, even if anyone thinks it isn’t valid :/ so i alr prepared right? like i mentally prepared and visualize what i wanna wear and etc. and so i went to take a shower and all. and then my mom all of a sudden asked me to do things like ordering food for her, clipping her nails, airfrying some sotong balls cus she was feeling peckish. initially she asked me to order food, which i then did but it was immediately cancelled due to the weather. it suddenly rained really heavily. and then while i was in her room drying my hair, she suddenly said she wanted sotong balls which i then went to airfry. and then when i alr did that and continued drying my hair, she then asked me to clip her nails and i was like “i’m going out ibu later farhan will be waiting for me alr” and she was like nvm la it will only take a while. so i did that and then i had to just rush cus i checked his live location and he was alr nearing tenaga area which is so damn close to my place alr. then i quickly picked out the outfit i wanted to wear. i mean come on, it’s our monthsary and i wanted to dress up right and i alr had this mental image of what i wanna wear right? so i took it out, wore it and then i realized that it was still a bit rainy??? like kinda drizzling so i figured he’ll be coming up first to wait till the rain totally stops but he texted me asking me to come down instead. and at this point i was sweating profusely. yeah, it was rainy but i was feeling so warm from rushing and doing so many things at once. oh ya, i was wearing this satin white shirt with shorts and that was my initial outfit like it looks laidback and casual and effortless but i decided to change cus i was perspiring and it felt so uncomfortable wearing a satin material when you’re perspiring like heck!! so i ended up wearing my fav tee with the same shorts and brought my hoodie along. it’s also my fav hoodie from uniqlo. i think their hoodie quality is bomz it’s not too thick or too thin and i wanna buy more but maybe wait till they have sales or something. so i ended up just looking super hobo as heck like it just looks like i didn’t even bother to dress up and i felt sad but i didn’t want han to be waiting even longer.

so when i went down he was alr sitting at the seats at the void deck and i can feel anger radiating within him lol like i knew he was mad and he still had his helmet on and his rain jacket on and all. and then he gave me different options of where to go for our lunch and then i just sat there pondering for a bit. and then i asked him if he wanted to put the jacket and pants at home but he didn’t want to so he took it off and then put it on the table and he took off his helmet as well. and then i asked him if we could eat at genki and he told me that genki was one of the options that he forgot to list so we decided on genki! his anger didn’t last long and as he stood up to head over to his bike i went to him and open up my arms cus i just wanted to hug him lolol then at first he tried to act all “ew” and moved away but he ended up hugging me anyway hehe and then don’t want to let go lol so bobo so cute. honestly i’m still shy??? around him wtf. like when i initiated the hug itself i felt so shy loooooollllll and when he didn’t wanna let go it made me blush wtf but ofc he can’t see cus we have to wear the stupid mask bc of stupid covid. i hate it wtf my face is so sensitive and it’s breaking out bc of having to wear the mask so my skin can’t breathe. like what’s the point of me not wearing makeup underneath the mask when i still break out anyway right zzz hais. ok sorry side track a bit but ya hahaha so then i told him i wanted to show him something!!! and then he was like “eh eh who said you let go” or was it “who said you can stop hugging” but it’s either one la hahaha then i took his hand and pull down my mask and then kissed his hand 😂 then i told him to look and i said “no transfer”!!!!!! hahahahaha cus i was wearing this lipstick and wtf man the formula is damn amazing really didn’t transfer anywhere at all. i even kissed my own hand and i even drank water but not transfer AT ALL. it was a gift i got from two years back i think hahaha for my bday from rai, a kylie kit and i haven’t worn it out before mainly bc the color didn’t suit my skintone cus the shade felt so light but when i wore it this time it felt like the shade was darker somehow? idk if i became pale from staying at home all the time or idk lol but i like the shade now 😌

oh at first i didn’t wanna go to tampines cus we always go to tampines hahaha and i guess i made a face and han teased me about it lol as much as it annoys me it’s a good kind of annoying? 😂 cus he’s so cute whenever he teases me in that way lolol but we ended up just heading to tampines anyway cus he wanted to save up on petrol also and i thought ok ya cus he has to work now and he has to go to and fro everyday so it’s better for him to save the petrol as well. i put on my hoodie and then we went to the usual parking spot at tampines. and then bc both of our masks were down i could actually kiss him hehe. and then from there we walked to the front entrance of the mall cus of this covid there’s only one in and out entrance but entering was a breeze tbh cus even tho there was a long line, we didn’t have to wait long.

then we went up to the escalator. and genki wasn’t crowded at all either so that was great!!! we did the safe entry thing, got our temperature taken and got our seats. then we ordered some food hehe. i was excited cus lol i love genki. not as much as i love my bf but if i have to choose an express sushi shop i would choose genki 😂 i wanted something soupy and filling so i got their beef udon since i alr had their duck udon the previous time we went there. and then i got a drink and chawanmushi as an appetizer. i love their chawanmushi as well and it’s something i will always get. i used to buy their clams miso soup but since it was taken out of the menu, i got their chawanmushi instead. and i was so happy when han decided to try the chawanmushi!!!!! i’ve always knew him as someone that wasn’t into eggs but he actually liked this one!! and he even ate the prawn and the naruto/japanese fish cake when i fed it to him omg 😭😭😭 i was legit so happy wtf hahahaha and then his fried squid came, also one of the hot foods i will always order but usually i’ll get it if i didn’t buy any of the udon. but since i alr got the udon i didn’t order it. and then his mini chicken teriyaki don came and lol the bowl was rly so mini ahahaha i wish i took a picture of it but i didn’t. but it was worth for the price of $4 i think since it was actually filled to the brim. there was even slices of tamago in it. he fed me a spoonful and it was nice!!! i’m gonna try that next time i go to genki if i’m feeling like eating rice 😂 i like udon cus of the chewy texture of the noodles and the soup. and then a plate of mentaiko fries came 🤤 there was A LOT of mentaiko on it it was so amazing and i was so surprise cus i didn’t order it but at the end of the day han said that he saw that i didn’t order the fries so he ordered it for me 🥺😍 so sweet hais and i really enjoyed it. i love genki’s mentaiko sauce it’s so damn goooooodddddd. so salty so nice. and then my udon came hehe and i devoured it. i fed han some too and gave him one of the fish cakes cus i think they made a mistake and put two pieces. the udon was so good i love it hahahaha. and then han ordered a seaweed roll, 2 more beef sushi and 1 mentaiko salmon for me hehe yes i know how to eat salmon now!!!! but it must be seared. i still can’t eat raw ones unless i rly dipped it in soy sauce or if it’s cut super thinly then maybe can try 😅

then after we finished eating, we went up to see if we can catch a movie. i wasn’t sure if we’re allowed to sit together so i asked him to ask first if we have to be separated and yay we don’t have to separate!!! so we decided to watch train to busan 2: peninsula. since we alr watched the first one together and there wasn’t much movies that were showing so we decided to catch the 5:10pm slot. it’s been so so so long since we last watched a movie tgt so this was nice. we didn’t get anything to eat since we just ate and i was still full but we had some time so we went to fairprice and got some candies. then farhan bought a root beer slushy which turns out to be scam!!! cus it’s just ice and it was practically solidified even after the movie was over it didn’t even melt much within 2 hours wtf. and then he also got a hotdog bun 😂

the movie was great. not as great as the first one cus the first one was definitely much more impactful but this one was not too bad. a bit too much “racing” scenes but i guess it’s to keep its audience on the toes. the storyline is a bit meh as well but i guess the suspense from some parts made up for it. it’s quite tragic though.

and then after the movie, i asked han if he still wanted pizza but when we saw the queue there was still a bunch of people waiting for their orders. even some foodpanda and grab delivery riders were waiting so i told him we’ll just order in and at first he was like we’ll see how but i ordered anyway. then we went out to head home and han finally lighted a cigarette. hahahaha he actually had to suppressed his desire to smoke cus we didn’t have time since i chose the earlier slot for the movie and im so proud of him for being able to suppress the feeling and yet not turning into a cranky momok.

while on the way back, he wanted to top up some petrol so we stopped by spc and then he wanted to top up his cashcard so we had to go one big round from the carpark to where he can top up his card but the machine is stupid!!! and he got upset cus he wasn’t able to top up his card. i think he still prefers the card with chip reader than the contactless ones. so then we decided to head to 7-11 so he can purchase one with chip but they ran out. so we decided to find another petrol station cus he said usually it’s being sold there too. so we did and this time round i guess i was being cranky cus the seat of his bike was eating into my skin and it hurts like heck so i told him to just top up the card since they don’t have the chip ones and he needed to top up anyway but then in front there was another petrol station and apparently they had a chip + contactless card there and i think they only accepted cash for it so he came out and then went in back and bought one there. and i was still cranky lol and i was perspiring so much both from my scalp to my body and it was drizzling too so all i wanted to do was head home so i got upset and i lashed it out on him when we made our way back cus he kept trying to make a joke out of the pain i felt and it just triggered me cus it’s like he doesn’t understand how much it hurts??

but it’s not his fault. cus i’m the one that chose to wear shorts even tho i know how much it hurts when i sit too long on the bike. and then he said he’ll cut the netting off but i was like no wtf. cus 1, we don’t meet everyday which sucks but ya we don’t and thus i’m not the one sitting on the back of his bike everyday so having to sit one day out of the week doesn’t bother me as much as having to sit on it everyday ya know what i mean? and 2, the parts that are still protected which is probably about 90-80% of the seat is still useable so it’ll be able to help protect the other areas from getting damage by the claws of cats.

and then when we got back, he wanted to pass his gummies to me but no one in this household eats gummies or candies. my mom can’t even eat sugary content cus of health, my dad isn’t a fan of gummies or candies he much prefers chips and chocolates and my brother too prefers chocolates or ice creams. i don’t like sugary content either but unless it comes from cakes or pastries or ice creams or chocolates so rly, no one is gonna eat it. and then he got mad at me and all i could hear was “you do to me can but when i’m doing it to you cannot” and i didn’t get what he meant by that tbh so i just kept quiet all the way till we’re home. i quickly took off my hoodie, changed into a more comfortable shorts went to take a piss and then went into my room. i sat down for awhile in front of the fan cus i was sweating so much and then i cooled down before i apologized to him and then asked him if he was still upset. i tried to get him to explain what he meant but couldn’t get anything out of him cus he just prefers to sweep it under the rug whereas i like to talk about it so i can see what i did wrong or which areas i have to improve or change so it can better our lives ya know but he’s not like that and i have to understand it so i just kept quiet and then i kissed him and stroked his face and hair a little.

and then he asked me if the pizza was here and i said ya hahaha it’s alr in the kitchen and whether he wants me to take it so he was like yes and as i was going to take the pizza he grabbed me and hugged me tight and i just instantly melted. it was genuinely hot lol i like this kinda shit hahahahaha but i’ve always felt afraid that i was gonna hurt him with my weight so i didn’t dare do anything that will shift my whole weight onto him but he didn’t care and he said it doesn’t hurt 🥺 haissss

honestly going home was all i was looking forward to. it’s not bc i’m horny lol or maybe that’s one of the reason but it’s mainly bc i just want to lay in his arms and just cuddle and give him kisses and also receive kisses. i’ve missed him all week long and we haven’t really been able to talk much since he’s working and he’s always tired when he gets home but it’s good that he’s working hard for his future and for our future.

and then the time for him to head home came. a truly saddening end of the day and he left a little later than usual but i’m just glad he got home safely and didn’t get lectured for being home a little late.

[emsartwork]

1. Aterix is my fan transformation based on the third gift of destiny in season 4! like it never made sense to me that the gift of wisdom gives you sophix, the gift of heart gives you lovix, but the “black gift” is used more like a magic object on someone else as opposed to increasing a persons magic in a specific way??? I’ll be designing and explaining more about those soon @mariloki4 2. The faunix designs are here, and i haven’t done their animals designs yet! 3. So in my version, guardian fairy is more of a title given to alfea enchantix graduates, they don’t really have any responsibilities to their planet or anything lol  @elf-from-the-ashes 4. hoo boy, like just from scratch visually with the plot the same??? probably not too different from what i draw now since i like to have the characters all look different, but again, if i have no starting point to jump off from i have no idea what decisions i would end up making haha 5. Thank you! and yes! I am planning on getting to world of winx and the season extras soon here. 6. lol right?? every transformation i try to do seomthign different with tecna’s hair cus she deserves it but sometimes its hard (also i am ALWAYS tempted to just cut the other girls’ hair like YOU get a pixie cut and YOU get a pixie cut EVERYBODY’S getting a pixie cut)  @theoretical-artist 7.  I drew daphne and diaspro here! i am gonna take another stab at diaspro soon tho, i don’t like what i did before 8. I don’t know that i have one? like whatever one im currently watching i get used to the voices eventually. Musa’s voice change in season 3 (idk which dub) is the only one that consistently bothers me 9. Sure! the hair color change is because i was trying to make her look less like a terrible clip art witch on crappy halloween decor lol. here are some other hcs! She likes to knit. She has sensitive skin and breaks out easily. She regrets what happened with Valtor, like she knows he needed to be stopped but wishes she could have saved him(this is primarily why she cuts the trix so much slack before expelling them) She’s a mix of a lot of different ethnicities(solarian, melodian, and zenithian are the strongest) and was born on Magix. 

10. Domino: Scotland/Ireland/tiny bit of China Solaria: Egypt/Greece/Italy Lynphea: Spain/Mexico/India/Persia Andros: Hawaii/Indonesia/Philipines/Afghanistan/ and weirdly a little bit of Canada towards the poles. Melody: Japan/China/tiny bit of Korea Zenith: Russia/Mongolia Eraklyon: England/France/Germany/Colombia Vaonaa: Australia/the USA if the pilgrims never happened Zhen: Mongolia/Korea Koyu: Turkey? this planet is a little fuzzy culture wise and the environment isn’t anything we have on earth.

11.  Domino: 2 Solaria: it varies. Lynphea: 1 Andros: 2 Melody: 3 Zenith: 4 Eraklyon: 2 Vaonaa: 2 Zhen: 1 Koyu: 3

12. these are gonna be a little sarcastic because of who i am as a person im sorry @beevolution Domino: Hi we’re not dead and we have some really great mountain resorts please help us rebuild our economy Solaria: Sunshine all the time! The latest fashions! Don’t get lost in the desert because you will never be found! Lynphea: If you want a relaxing cottage retreat in a meadow come here, if you want a DEATH DEFYING TOUR THROUGH THE MOST WILD TERRITORY OF THE MAGIX DIMENSION also come here. Andros: You like the ocean? you’ll like it here. You don’t like the ocean? fuck off. Melody: CONCERTS! LIVE SHOWS! LIVE TAPINGS! PERFORMING ARTS!!!!!!!!!  Zenith: Technological wonderland, probably have theme parks about technology. nerds.  Eraklyon: Wanna buy jewelry and not talk to people? this is the planet for you. Vaonaa: Wanna buy fabric and talk to a lot of people? this planet is for you. Zhen: *Communication and transport to ZHEN is currently unavailable. Please hang up and try again.* Koyu: bitch why tf would you come here our atmosphere is posion. I guess we have pretty lights and stones???

13. oh gosh i don’t know..... Im really bad at celebrities. I love gillian anderson’s voice, but she would probably voice one of the adults not one of the girls. I like zendaya, lana condor, aubrey plaza, and steaphanie beatriz too. but like. They’re all 22 and over. Ideally the actresses (voice or otherwise) would be 16-20 age wise.  14. @powerpuffninja934​ the wings can move a little! as long as the fairy isn’t trying to fly with the chronix wings they can move slowly. 15. Thank you! and that would be really fun! 16. I mean the short answer is yeah, they would. Fairy transformations are basically cheat codes. fairy magic is “earned” through little effort or practice on the part of the fairy its like a grenade, its powerful and wide range, but can cause unintentional damage. Anybody can throw a grenade, and there are different type of grenades for different purposed(flash, smoke, incendiary) but all of them can hurt innocent bystanders if not used correctly. Witch magic, and most of the masculine magic systems, is like a sniper rifle, it can take years and a lot of practice to gain a mastery of the tool, but has less risk of unintentional damage. if fairies had worse PR and weren’t thought of as “good” (compared to the witches PR being aligned with the ancestrals and “bad”) fairy transformations probably wouldn’t be allowed on the grounds that its unsafe and unnatural. @lowko​  17. So magic is like a type of radiation/energy. Core Magic is like the electrical impulses that run the human body, its normal, safe, and part of the body. Natural Magic is like sunshine, its normal, safe(in low doses), and necessary. Ethereal magic is like a nuclear bomb. Its insanely powerful, targeted, and created/manipulated by the ethereal fairies usually for a specific purpose. Wild magic is like a cross between a freshwater spring and a natural radiation/electricity source(lightning?) its normal and part of the environment, but its dangerous and unpredictable. it also only effects a small area around it.  Wild and natural magics work in tandem in the same areas. Natural sources are stable enough to link magic to(the resulting transformation is called danix), but wild magic is not. Natural sources can become/ be replaced by wild magic when the natural source is polluted, cursed, or threatened by a natural disaster. Its theorized that wild and natural magics have a limited level of consciousness, and when a natural source retreats, the wild magic takes over the sources mouth in an attempt to let the environment heal and ward off any threats. Wild magic sources can stabilize and be replaced by natural sources, but its less common. Bloom and Stella are linked to the dragon flame, and the second sun of solaria, which is where their titles come from, but the other girls aren’t linked to anything in specific and their titles are mostly personal preference. Hopefully this makes sense??? I’ll probably do a masterpost on how my magic system works here soon. 18. Yeah so i never really had a problem with the age gap because most of my friends growing up were 2-3 years younger/older than me. Also in my version Alfea is a legit college, so the average freshman age is like... 18/19? but you could technically attend whenever. 19. I love magix winx, harmonix, and bloomix! for least favorite.... butterflix................ and mythix........................... and sirenix.......(tho i do love the sirenix transformation sequence)