#literally ive doomed myself on this one nobody to blame but myself BUT THAT DOESNT MEAN IM NOT HAVING A CRISIS OVER IT ANYWAY

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HI TUMBLR 😭😭😭😭😭😭 IM IN DESPAIR

[even-if-it-kills-me1-blog]

I dont wanna die like this

Everyday I get closer and closer to ending my goddamn shitty life. I hate that writing on here is my only outlet for the way I feel. People pretend to care but its all fake. Always. I’m always there for everyone else but when I truly need someone theyre a fuckin ghost. Nobody understands the shit I feel. Im afraid to open up because I get called dramatic or a crybaby. People wonder why others are suicidal, its because everyone is close minded and doesnt care about anyone but themselves. You cast judgements and it makes people like me afraid to say shit. I always used to think I was a great person but now all this shit keeps happening to me and I think if I was such a good person why do bad things keep happening to me? I dont know what I did to deserve the pain and misery I feel everyday. I give and I give and everyone just takes and for once I just want someone to reciprocate the things I do. But all im good for is being used. Theres nothing I wouldnt do for all of my friends and sadly im always forgotten. Im losing my best friend and its killing me. I feel like Im losing everyone and Im trying so hard to hold on to the ones I love but I feel like they just want nothing to do with me. Its so fucking hurtful to feel this way. I have severe PTSD and Im trying so hard to make it through the days but I feel like theyre numbered at this point. I blame myself for everything and It feels like I punish myself for others mistakes and I dont know why I do that.  I wish I could express what having depression, anxiety and PTSD feel like to people who have no idea how it feels. Im consistently tired. I used to self harm all the time when I was younger and I made it over a year without it and I ruined that some time ago and the feelings are creeping back into my head again. I hate saying I want to die but its true. And I always thought when I died it would be from old age, when Im happy and satisfied with all I’ve  accomplished. I want to die happy, not like this. I feel doomed to eternal sadness. If its not one problem its another and I cant remember the last time I just felt relief. Its not enough to just keep my head above water, i want to fucking breathe. I want it all to go away. These are supposed to be the best years of my life and instead theyre being wasted on sadness. I let people break my fragile heart all the time and its so fucking shitty that Id rather let people break my heart and be happy then myself be happy. Im at a crossroads. I try to please everyone and I just want everyone to love and care for me but I realize that its impossible to force people to care the same way I do. I feel so crazy in my head. Shits not right up there. One bad thing happens to me and im just ready to jump off the ledge. I want to get better. I want my mind to be at ease. I wish I could find true happiness within myself. Maybe its in there, somewhere. Or am I just a lost cause? Ive successfully isolated myself from my mother, the one person who loves me. Why? because i cant stand to tell my mother that her baby wants to end the precious life that she took so long to create. My mother is such a beautiful person inside and out. shes the strongest person I know. Shes a literal angel. I wish i valued her more when I was younger. Shes always right and knows whats best. If i tell her this stuff ill be locked away in a psych ward. I long to break down and just spill my guts and let her know it all but I never will. I refuse to put that woman through anything more than she already has. She doesnt need this kind of stress. Theres another person too, that I long to care for me. But they are so unpredictable and flighty and selfish. Again, I refuse to accept that and keep trying because when I love someone, im incapable of stopping loving them. My mind may be done but my heart never is. And i hate that about myself. This person can come around and show me love once or twice then treat me like utter shit the majority of the time and I just keep coming back for more abuse because I love them. They drive me me crazy and I wish I could just for once say im done but when I do get that attention from them all that anger fades away and I build myself up to get hurt again. its excruciatingly painful and i hate it. But will I walk away? probably not. So here I am. baring my emotions to tumblr with not a single person listening. Its comforting yet haunting at the same time.  I sound like a pathetic little baby I know. I hate it. But this is me trying to work through everything Im feeling and sometimes I think it helps to just write it all down, even if it sounds crazy or weird. Writing has always been the outlet. It feels satisfying seeing the words in my head written down.