#literally had a personal meeting with one of my lecturers cause i have 0 classes with him rn

[raineandsky]

Frienemies

(Part 1) (Part 2) (Part 3) (Part 4)

The villain sidesteps the hero’s punch with the same shit-eating grin they were wearing the other day. “You missed,” the villain says lightly as their fist swings into the empty space.

After the villain came across them at the bus stop, the hero had feared the worst about their work, but they’d been quite happy to continue their usual misdeeds and annoying dodging of the hero’s punches. The only aspect remaining of that evening is that grin the villain has that they wish they could slap off the criminal’s face.

“Oh, don’t muddy the face, dear,” they continue as the hero rounds on them for another go, their fist just brushing against the villain’s hair as they lean back from their fist. “I have a date tonight. I want to look my best.”

“As if you could ever get a date,” the hero finally retorts, and the grin they get at the response is ecstatic. 

“You think too low of me, [Hero].” Their body is poised for the edge of the roof, about to make another one of their easily preventable escapes. “I think I’ve found someone quite special.”

-

The cafe is quieter in the evenings, and Jace is forever thankful for that. They got out from the agency half an hour ago, their hero persona discarded at the door, and they barely had time to make themself look half-decent before heading here.

The bell to the cafe tingles lightly as they push it open, and someone at one of the tables jumps up excitedly at their entrance. “Jace!” the villain – or Maxi, they suppose – calls with a quick wave over.

They smile as Jace sits opposite them, the expression almost kind. “I didn’t think you’d actually call.” Maxi pushes a drink towards them – a caramel latte. Their favourite. “I’m flattered you did though. Wasn’t sure if we were good enough friends.”

“Why’d you get this?” Jace gestures to the drink in front of them, and the grin returns. The adrenaline of the fight is missing though, so instead of leaping across the table at them Jace just scowls knowingly.

“You always go to the coffee shop outside the agency and get one,” they say as if it's obvious information. “What, do you not want it? I’ll have it.”

Jace raises the cup hurriedly to their mouth to stop Maxi as they lean across the table, relieved when they lean back again in their chair as they take a sip of it. It’s nice – warm, not too hot, with just the right amount of caramel to balance out the coffee. First the umbrella, and now the oddly flavourful drink. What’s with the pleasantries outside of work?

“I heard that [Villain] was going on a date this evening,” Maxi continues, their voice laced with amused pointedness, and Jace’s scowl only deepens at the words.

“I doubt that,” they say flatly, admittedly a little smug when Maxi deflates. “I don’t really see why anyone in their right mind would like them.”

“They’re not that bad really–”

“You’re siding with the person trying to level the city every week?”

Maxi opens their mouth to defend themself, but the silence that follows proves how nothing comes to mind that saves face as a civilian. Jace takes another innocent sip as their gaze turns to the table worriedly.

“Do you really think they’re that bad?”

Jace meets their somewhat pathetic gaze with dismay. Are they really doing this now?

“I think us civilians generally don’t like the guy trying to destroy our stuff all the time,” they say pointedly, and Maxi nods like they’re taking mental notes. “I don’t think they’re a lost cause, though. Just... on the wrong tracks.”

“As if the heroes are on the right ones,” Maxi spits a little too harshly.

“I thought you wanted me to rant about my boss, anyway,” they cut in quickly. Probably best for the both of them if they’re not loudly announcing a dislike for the agency. “And you don’t have the excuse of a bus to leave this time.”

Maxi perks up a little at that. “More fuel to the fire,” they say lightly, their previous bitterness gone. “Do tell.”

Jace tells them about how the superhero made a show of embarrassing them in front of all their colleagues and how it resulted in a snowball effect across the whole agency – how the receptionists clearly developed a newfound distaste for them, how the other heroes looked down on them, how they spent a fiver in a vending machine that didn’t dispense anything. The superhero has somehow singlehandedly ruined their reputation with everyone within a five mile radius of the agency, and it’s ruining everything.

Maxi hangs onto every word, leaning their face on their hands against the table in fascination as they talk. They only make a noise when Jace finally stops speaking, a huff escaping them like they were holding their breath.

“You should quit,” they offer unhelpfully.

“Kind of hard with my job,” Jace retorts with a shrug, taking another nonchalant swig of the drink. “They can hate me but I’m still needed.”

“Hm,” is all Maxi says, and the pair fall into silence.

-

When the hero walks into the agency the next day, they’re greeted by a rather frantic looking hero. “[Hero]!” He grabs them by the shoulders and they flinch at the vice-like grip. “What the hell did you do?”

“I– what? I don’t know.” They look past him, their gaze falling on a group of heroes and agency workers gathered around one of the reception desks, watching something on the computer behind it. “Did something happen?”

“Your villain, [Hero]!” He shakes them slightly as if that will make his words go in better. “They’ve gone off the rails! [Superhero] is dead.”

Taglist: @feline17ff @ meeblez

(Part 3)

[trayvonfleary-blog]

General Assembly Software Engineering Immersive

Hello All, instead of posting my normal content relating to cars and/or trucks, I will be taking a deeper dive into my daily life, particularly regarding the software engineering immersive program that I am currently undergoing, which is a technology bootcamp. For a couple of months, I am going to sway away from discussing different sectors within the automotive industry while I focus strictly on technology, but automotive is not going anywhere so stay tuned for big announcements following;)

What Is It?

Currently I’m completing General Assembly’s Software Development Immersive, which is a “12 week award-winning program that has expert instructors and career coaches, and connect graduates with 19k+ hiring partners to get them jobs at A-list companies.” It is slated as your best course for career transformation. The company boats 9,000+ hires, as it states that they are the leader in placing their grads into high-growth, and high-pay tech jobs. Yes, this is all accomplished within 12 weeks. I’m sure you’re asking, “Are these jobs guaranteed?” Of course not, but the company is quite confident. Continue reading as to “why?” after this quick infographic below illustrating what you can expect from this program.

Im currently entering into my 5th week of this program. On our first day, a General Assembly employee bursts in our classroom, after getting another graduate hired, and asked, “Did you guys here about our last cohort?”, which had ended a couple of months prior. We had no clue what she was referring to but then she claims that their last cohort had a 93%+ hire rate. Impressive right. Thats a way to bring some motivation if you had any doubts before. Who knows if this was the truth, but they were all very excited and I have personally heard from some earlier attendees about the jobs that they received after the course and some even during the last week or 2 of the course ending. Before this starts sounding like a fantasy world where you can spend the 3 months and someone else can spend 4-5 years getting a computer science degree and you both end up with the same job (very possible), I’m going to break things down a bit.

Tuition Options?

First, starting with cost, I feel that the tuition share agreement is the best payment option and allows many people who can’t afford it to have a chance at something that can be life changing. It is not yet available in all states, but it’s a great option if you are not trying to pay $14k(approximate tuition cost) out of pocket and upfront(or in a few payments).  Focusing on the $0 upfront income share agreement, it is structured very fair in my opinion. You are only required to pay an upfront $250 deposit until you land a software engineering job (ex: web development, full stack, etc) and depending on your location, entry level is probably hovering around $60k and above.

So if you don’t land a job, you are not at the hands of a huge loan that you cannot afford and most importantly, you’re not out of $14k+ that many pay to take the program. If you have additional experience in UX/UI design, and/or other skills for that matter, your pay can be a lot higher.

Income Share Agreement?

As far as General Assembly not offering the income share agreement not being offered in all states, specifically New York at the moment, I believe that it has to do with the amount of jobs being offered and the amount that are vacant. Here in the Greater Atlanta Area, the tech scene is taking on massive growth along with an abundant amount tech jobs that have yet to be filled. Whether it’s startups, fintech companies, or larger corporations, there is a massive demand for tech jobs in many industries here. I’m not sure of the availability in other cities and states in respective to the amount of tech workers seeking employment.

Adding to the tuition share agreement option, applicants are also subject to a more strict batch of pre course work, along with an evaluation to see if you are prepared and can be successful at this program. My pre course work (estimated to take 40 hours if you have prior knowledge) took me at least 60+ hours, and thats literally. Going through the pre course work, I decided to take notes and continue to reference them even when the program started so that I could truly retain the information, just as I would with another language until I could demonstrate it effortlessly.

Negatives?

The only negative to this income share agreement is that the total amount paid for the course increases to approximately $20,000, instead of the $14,000 that you could sign up for up front after getting accepted. Although this $20,000 will be paid for over a multiple of years (small monthly payments ranging from $300-$800 per month), depending on how much income you are making per year with the lower end being around the $50k end and the upper being $100k+ end.

That is where the trade off comes in, as you decide whether you would want to pay $14k up front or $20k over a multiple of 3-5 years. Simply put, both options come with what some will see as a hefty price but when compared to the average college tuition for 3-5 years, it is significantly less. So is it worth it?  My simple answer: Yes, but its not for everyone and also depends on how much time you willing to dedicate!

What does it take?

Personally, as I’m approaching week 5 in the 12 week program, I would say that it is well worth it. This may not be the same for everyone else. There are so many factors that go into this decision and realizing if it is worth it for you or not. First off, the program is 12 weeks long and runs on a very strict schedule, from Monday – Friday (9am-5pm). All of my cohort(class) had to quit their jobs, and/or whatever else they were doing including school, etc. This IS NOT just a 9-5 job for three months. Ample time is required outside of class for this program to be worth it. You get what you give. Currently, it is very normal for me and my “codemates” to spend another 20-40+hours outside of class per week, on top of our current 9-5 days.

Being Prepared?

Handling this amount of work in such a short period of time is life changing mentally, physically, socially, and financially of course. Savings is required as it’s almost impossible to take on a full time job during this time. Knowing how to handle stress and pressure is also very important, as there will be a lot of ups and downs during the course. Another importance is your family and support. Your time will be very limited during this time, so just be prepared to be a bit disconnected during this time.

For me, personally, I had no real coding experience before starting the pre work for this program, but doing a lot of studying in the year prior to signing up for the program certainly helped with knowing different technologies and frameworks, and what they were used for. Regardless, free time gets pretty scarce during this time of development. It is extremely tough to stay consistent with a certain level of focus each and every day in this program, as it’s basically like learning a new language. So, being prepared is very critical.

The Daily Grind?

Each and every day has a structured schedule that we are given at the beginning of the cohort. The days normally start with lecture, or a quick meeting if it’s project week. Throughout the day, we go through enormous amounts of material, but it’s never just a lecture. Practice, practice, and more practice! Daily learning on how to structure, develop, and implement responsive webpages and applications from the ground up. This is where General Assembly separates itself from just trying to read and learn to code online, or even while pursuing a 4 year computer science degree while spending meaningless time on classes and material that you don’t need or ever use again.

As the saying goes, if you want to learn Chinese, the fastest way is to get dropped directly into the middle of China! This is the exact same. You’re being thrown right into the programming fire everyday, but in a good way. All of the new information learned is always directly followed by practice, as you jump right into the CLI(command line interface) and your IDE(integrated development environment). HTML, and CSS fly by within the first couple of days and then you will be jumping directly into Javascript. After that, you are off and running, and thats when the real challenge starts and the bulk of the course begins.

Is It Really Worth It?

All in all, I think it is definitely worth it if you have a passion to work in tech, whether to create your dream company or to work for another. This is the case, but this immersive program is not something that you spend a little time on and make it into a small side gig. If that’s what you’re looking for, then programming may not be ideal for you. It takes intense focus and dedication to be successful in the field. One mistake can crash an entire program, or maybe even delete an entire database and cause the company to crash. What if someone deleted the entire database of Uber drivers because they told the computer an incorrect command? Of course this would not happen, as their infrastructure has too much sophistication for that to happen, but the company would literally be out of operations for who knows how long and this would cause the end of one of the biggest companies that the world has ever seen.

If you’re not passionate about it, and that goes for anything in life, then you shouldn’t waste your time and/or money. It is also only worth it if you have time. This point needs to be emphasized. For example: If you have a family and can’t afford to quit your full time job, this is not a good idea. I’ve found that many who go through these programs don’t have many responsibilities at the moment, or they have wonderful supporters around them who help them throughout the duration. The immersive is very time consuming, and some may find it easier than others, but the amount of time that has to be put in is undeniable.

In a quick rundown, within 5 weeks, I have learned HTML, CSS, Javascript/jQuery, started creating our own servers, learning node, express, mongoDB, certain data structures and science, and so much more underlying information. This is not everything, and has taken massive work outside of class along with in class work and lecture. Just 5 weeks ago, I wouldn’t even know where to start.

Why Would You Put Yourself Through Such a Daunting Task?

For me, taking this leap was about being creative and bringing my ideas to life, as I push to provide immense value to this world for decades to come. My friends have always told me that I have all of the ideas, but to me they meant nothing if I could never bring them to life. I avoided obtaining these skills for the simple reason of believing that they were too time consuming, or that it was too old to start now, or simply because of me believing that I didn’t belong in that time of environment (the common imposture syndrome). Whether you’re a cook, waitress, sales associate, truck driver, garbage truck operator or whatever it may be, you can be successful not only in this program, but in this career field as a whole.

All of these technologies are fairly new, relative to our society, and if you spend 10+ hours a day on something while someone else maybe spends a hour every few days, you will be amazed at how far you can go. If you are thinking of a career change, or simply love the tech field and need this sort of structure to learn, I will highly advise taking General Assembly’s Software Engineering Immersive if time and your situation persists. You will also hear the phrases “Web Developer”, “Full Stack Developer”, etc associated with software engineering as a lot of the knowledge intertwines.

Youtube Series Update?

Last but NOT LEAST, stay tuned as this will be just an intro to these blog and content posts regarding my Software Development journey. I aim to produce this content for the remaining 7-8 weeks in the course, while also producing content beyond the program as I work on different projects and aim to connect with like minded people in the industry. In the upcoming posts, I will link a youtube video that goes into depth about my particular General Assembly Immersive location, in the Greater Atlanta Area. Stay tuned, and be blessed!

[barbecuedphoenix]

(To read the full analysis, hit the blue ‘Photo’ button on the side of this post.) 

When I picked this quote for Leiftan 2 months ago, I had no idea just how appropriate it might be. 0_o 

Seeing that we have an elf, a vampire, and a faery-blood barbarian as potential love interests in the game, why would we want some obscure moon-child to round out the cast? Give us a straight-up demon. Sorry, I mean, ‘aengel’.  

At any rate, with the latest revelations of this not-lorialet’s not-so-sweet side, I’ve made a few adjustments to all Leiftan-centric pieces on this blog, as well as to the group requests that feature him. If you’re interested, take a look. :) (Hint: he’s usually the fourth and/or last entry for group requests; those pieces are long, so feel free to skip straight to the good stuff.)

Analyses: 

What would be their ideal partner? 

Headcanons:

Cafe AU 

Open Relationships, Part 2

Police Department AU, Part 1 

Leiftan, from A - Z (C, E, S, X) [NSFW] 

Leiftan, from A - Z (I, V, Z) [NSFW]

Leiftan’s Kinks [NSFW]

Scenarios: 

How to seduce a clueless Guardian [NSFW] 

What makes them jealous, and how they’ll react 

Granted, I’m still a long ways away from playing Episode 17, so most of the information on Leiftan’s new Jekyll-and-Hyde persona was pulled from the spoilers that other players released on Tumblr. Thank you all for your reactions. ^_^ 

In fact, here’s mine: now I’m dusting off my poor, neglected Spanish account and speed-running through a Leiftan route. Because I think his story has gotten 2 magnitudes more interesting. And I don’t believe he is a full-blown psychopath.

Don’t shoot me as a Leiftan fan-girl. Let me explain.

True, he’s a seasoned actor with serious personal issues and a long-term scheme that’s bound to be bloody. But he does have a functional personality and moral compass of his own, even if they are subducted by a grim vendetta during that final scene in Ep. 17. (This would put him within, if not on the edge, of the sociopath class of mentally-unbalanced individuals: anti-social, deceptive, and amoral, but not thoroughly-malicious, controlling, and predatory like psychopaths.)

The main reason I believe this not-lorialet is not a psychopath: he has a functional love-o-meter. You can gain or lose approval depending on your personal responses to him, and/or the opinions you privately express about the Guard… and his reactions to you don’t often correspond to his long-term aims or how easily you give into him.

For example:

In Ep. 9, you can lose approval by trying to be optimistic about Mery’s chances when he disappears (at which Leiftan’s emotional responses will shut down). If you meet Leiftan later in the day and criticize his ongoing concern for Mery, his approval will drop still lower. The sympathetic response, in both cases, nets approval.

Again in Ep. 9, he gets (naturally) ticked-off if you call his familiar ‘difficult to handle’, but becomes really grateful if you tell him the damage is minimal (or are blunt in informing him how the little fiend woke you up).  

If he’s your mission partner for clearing Yvoni’s ashes in Ep. 10, he’ll disapprove if you a.) refuse his help in recovering from your inglorious trip, and b.) get melodramatic and declare that Yvoni’s clearing has been devastated. For both cases, he’ll react happily if you offer jokes instead to lighten the mood; he’ll even briefly join you in goofing off and sitting down on the forest floor (though at the clearing, he’ll make an ominous comment on how destruction is just another form of creation.)

After clearing Yvoni’s ashes in Ep. 10 (accompanied by him or someone else), you can earn his censure if you refuse to discuss the mission honestly with him (that you both may have shared). Or if you went alone after he refused to accompany you, he’ll express concern at how you entered the forest alone. And will be far from thrilled if you blame him for refusing in the first place, or grow skeptical once he starts flirting.

For that same situation in Ep. 10, he’ll actually be flattered if you turn the conversation around and inquire about him instead. Even though he dodges the question and offers a short uninformative spiel about work, you’ll still see a rise in his approval.

Later on in Ep. 10, after your nightmare on Yvoni’s return, Leiftan will approve if you acknowledge your haggard appearance with a little joke. Whereas lying through your teeth on how you are nets his disapproval.

In Ep. 11, Leiftan won’t be ecstatic if you lecture him for skipping meals, whereas he’ll be grateful if you offer to share your lunch-breaks with him and chaperone him to make sure he eats.

After returning from Balenvia in Ep. 12, Leiftan will approve if you again apply a little sarcasm in admitting you’re upset, and disapproves if you refuse to tell him anything (when you are clearly upset).

And then there are some responses from past episodes that really raise some eyebrows on the principles he might value, especially now that we know his real roots and antipathy to the Guard:

In Ep. 8, you actually lose approval by criticizing the Guard’s level of organization for mission debriefs, and he’ll tersely admit that they’re doing what they can. Telling him instead that you enjoy making reports earns his approval. (My guess: he’s anal-retentive he appreciates organization, and people who respect a level of organization. Regardless of where they all happen to be working.)

Before the third and final recon mission in Ep. 9, Leiftan will disapprove if you tell him that you’re not thinking too much about the assignment, but he keeps his outward response minimal and wishes you good luck. (My interpretation: he doesn’t think highly of literal-minded agents who don’t question the system.)

In Ep. 13, after he tells you his alleged race, he actually gets disappointed if you call lorialets ‘selenites’, but approves if you keep your guess open-ended, and let him explain. (My assumption: he’s still anal-retentive he respects people who don’t misuse names, or casually throw around labels.) 

Now if Leiftan’s emotional reactions from past episodes are all part of a ploy, if he’s a manipulative psychopath to the core whose only ambition is to witness the Guard burn, then he wouldn’t strongly approve or disapprove of any of your responses to him. He would have to show approval or disapproval to maintain his guise in the Light Guard, but his love-o-meter shouldn’t actually respond; that’s his emotional barometer, and if he has the emotional depth of a puddle (or a psychopath, colloquially-speaking), then it would read as a flat 0, or close to it.

So in practice, if Leiftan has no lasting sympathy or ethical system (which are the calling cards of a psychopath), his emotional reaction to others would be largely restricted to contempt. He wouldn’t internally respond to your changes in health, wellbeing, or safety, or the danger that finds young children. He wouldn’t be much affected by jokes, or displays of your concern/interest/consideration for him. He wouldn’t care one whit on the damage (or lack thereof) that Amaya causes for others. He wouldn’t bat an eyelid if you’re a thoughtful agent. Altogether, he wouldn’t care what you say or do, so long as you’re an easy victim.

In short, if Leiftan was written in advance as a traitor with no conscience or lasting empathy, then his approval system should be completely nonexistent. Or skewed to only respond-- shallowly-- to how easily you defer to him.

As Leiftan fans prior to Ep. 17 can tell you, that’s not the case.

Now I doubt Chi no Miiko and team would stick us with a fake love-o-meter for thirteen episodes (not including the first three). That will be pushing it when it comes to ‘trolling’ players, who’ll then have the right to consider if other love-o-meters are rigged. It’ll be more constructive for the team to instead foster more love triangles and expand the Leiftan fanbase with a route that is guaranteed potentially tragic. Starring a fourth LI who isn’t flat-out evil (which isn’t relatable anyway), but a troubled adversary who guards his heart carefully (which will satisfy both the original fans of ‘sweet’ Leiftan and those who’re now asking ‘will I die if I bang a demon?’).  

And let’s not forget that this is the same game company that-- in MCL-- had you stand up to sexual aggressor Evan and (momentarily) dump his groupie Kentin. Even with genre and demographic differences, would they allow you to keep a quasi-crush option on a pure psychopath? Personally, that also smells like an abusive relationship to me.  

Granted, Leiftan is definitely no angel. (Sorry, Leif; not with those eyes and horns.) All the others in the Light Guard should take notes from him on how to live a spectacular lie. And some of his actions cast doubt on why he approves of your trust in him: how much of it is because he benefits emotionally from your trust, and how much is because he can confirm that you’ll be less of an obstruction. But the rest of Leiftan’s behavior to you-- which results in quantitative drops or rises in his personal affinity, and thus demonstrates a value system-- falls outside the neat binary of “Hero of the Guard” / “Nemesis of the Guard”. And because of that, it doesn’t strike me as fair to paint him as simply a harbinger of evil who deserves an appointment with Mr. Constantine. More like a very flawed, very troubled man intent on catalyzing a storm in this life as the last demon left in the realm, but underdogs and/or crushes can still inspire the tenderness and protectiveness he once held in full as a boy. 

Plenty of clues to his humanity (so to speak) have been dropped in the past, and a lot of questions left on his future. But personally, I don’t think it hurts to be optimistic with Beemov and this raven-winged aengel. ;)

For a little more general information on psychopathy and sociopathy, check out these articles: 

What’s the difference between psychopaths and sociopaths?

How do psychopaths’ brains differ? 

Do psychopaths genuinely lack empathy? 

[thedancemostofall]

notes on eating

Ruby Tandoh on Sugar

The idea of a monolithic, wondrous, dreadful sugar would hardly have made sense to medieval cooks. Sweetness was not a category, but a seasoning

In many cultures, this sugar-salt symphony is still foundational. “The food I grew up eating every night — that is to say, Persian home cooking — is all about balancing the plate with sweet and sour, salty and rich, crisp and soft,” says Nosrat. “Fresh and dried fruits — pomegranates, sour cherries, dates, raisins — all regularly found their way onto our dinner plates. So I have always been drawn to a little sweetness in my food.”

How has sweetness — something we are evolutionarily programmed to like, for survival — come to stand in for sex and escapism and hedonism? Humans are metaphor machines, and our mouths are liminal places where food and words mingle, where hot dogs, tagliatelle, and Nigerian puff puff meet “my name is,” memory, and “I.” True synesthesia — the blurring between one sense and another — is relatively rare, but its logic pervades our language, so that trumpets might sound hot, or sadness taste sour. One study found that honeycomb toffee tastes less sweet when eaten whilst listening to a “bitter” soundtrack than when eaten whilst listening to a “sweet” soundtrack. And our senses don’t just crisscross randomly — “How come silence is sweet but sweetness isn’t silent?” one paper asked.

https://www.eater.com/2018/8/6/17631452/ruby-tandoh-sugar-history-kara-walker-will-cotton

Taffy Brodesser-Aknery on Losing it in the Anti-Dieting Age

About two years ago, I decided to yield to what every statistic I knew was telling me and stop trying to lose weight at all. I decided to stop dieting, but when I did, I realized I couldn’t. I didn’t know what or how to eat. I couldn’t fathom planning my food without thinking first about its ability to help or hinder a weight-loss effort. I went to a nutritional therapist to help figure this out (dieting, I have found, is its own chronic condition), and I paid her every week so I could tell her that there still had to be a way for me to lose weight. When she reminded me that I was there because I had realized on my own that there was no way to achieve this goal, I reminded this wonderful, patient person that she couldn’t possibly understand my desperation because she was skinny. I had arthritis in my knees, I said. Morality and society aside, they hurt. I have a sister with arthritis in her knees, too, but she’s skinny and her knees don’t hurt.

I went to an intuitive-eating class — intuitive eating is where you learn to feed yourself based only on internal signals and not external ones like mealtimes or diet plans. Meaning it’s just eating what you want when you’re hungry and stopping when you’re full. There were six of us in there, educated, desperate fat women, doing mindful-eating exercises and discussing their pitfalls and challenges. We were given food. We would smell the food, put the food on our lips, think about the food, taste the food, roll the food around in our mouths, swallow the food. Are you still hungry? Are you sure? The first week it was a raisin. It progressed to cheese and crackers, then to cake, then to Easter candy. We sat there silently, as if we were aliens who had just arrived on Earth and were learning what this thing called food was and why and how you would eat it. Each time we did the eating exercise, I would cry. ‘‘What is going on for you?’’ the leader would ask. But it was the same answer every time: I am 41, I would say. I am 41 and accomplished and a beloved wife and a good mother and a hard worker and a contributor to society and I am learning how to eat a goddamned raisin. How did this all go so wrong for me?

https://www.nytimes.com/2017/08/02/magazine/weight-watchers-oprah-losing-it-in-the-anti-dieting-age.amp.html

Oprah- how did i let this happen again?

"How Did I Let This Happen Again?"   Photo: Matthew RolstonFour years ago, when Oprah managed to get down to a trim and fit 160 pounds, she thought she'd hit on a foolproof formula for permanent weight loss. Then life—in the form of a thyroid problem and a killer schedule—intervened. Last year she was back up to the 200-pound mark and knew something had to change. After a desperately needed time-out to reflect and recharge, here's what she's learned, what she's doing differently, and what's next.You know how bad you feel when you have a special event, a reunion, a wedding, a bar mitzvah, and you wanted to lose that extra 10 to 40 pounds, and you didn't do it? So the day comes and now you've got to try to find something to wear that makes you feel halfway decent, and you have to figure out how to hold in your stomach all night and walk backward out of the room so no one sees that your butt keeps moving even when you stop. Multiply that feeling by a million—make that more than 2.4 million for every Oreader—and you'll know how I've felt over the past year every time I had to shoot a cover for O. If you're a regular subscriber, you'll notice you've not seen a head-to-toe shot all year. Why? Because I didn't want to be seen. " In 1992 I reached my heaviest, 237 pounds. I was 38. Then, four years ago, I made it a goal to lose weight, and I appeared on the January 2005 cover (left) at a toned 160 pounds. I thought I was finished with the weight battle. I was done. I'd conquered it. I was so sure, I was even cocky. I had the nerve to say to friends who were struggling, "All you have to do is work out harder and eat less! Get your 10,000 steps in! None of that starchy stuff!" Bam! Karma is a bear of a thing. So here I stand, 40 pounds heavier than I was in 2006. (Yes, you're adding correctly; that means the dreaded 2-0-0.) I'm mad at myself. I'm embarrassed. I can't believe that after all these years, all the things I know how to do, I'm still talking about my weight. I look at my thinner self and think, "How did I let this happen again?" It happened slowly. In February 2007, at 53, I started to have some health issues. At first I was unable to sleep for days. My legs started swelling. My weight started creeping up, first 5 pounds, then 10 pounds. I was lethargic and irritable. My internal clock seemed totally out of whack. I began having rushing heart palpitations every time I worked out. Okay, I've never loved daily exercise, but this was different. I actually developed a fear of working out. I was scared that I would pass out. Or worse. I felt as if I didn't know my own body anymore. After many trips to various doctors, I received a diagnosis. I had hyperthyroidism (an overactive thyroid that can speed up metabolism and cause weight loss—but of course didn't make me lose a single pound) and then gradually started moving into hypothyroidism (a sluggish metabolism that can cause fatigue and weight gain). My doctor prescribed medication and warned me that I must "learn to embrace hunger" or I would immediately gain weight. Believe me, no part of me was prepared to embrace hunger. It seemed as if the struggle I'd had with weight my entire adult life was now officially over. I felt completely defeated. I thought, "I give up. I give up. Fat wins." All these years I'd had only myself to blame for lack of willpower. Now I had an official, documented excuse. The thyroid diagnosis felt like some kind of prison sentence. I was so frustrated that I started eating whatever I wanted—and that's never good. My drug of choice is food. I use food for the same reasons an addict uses drugs: to comfort, to soothe, to ease stress. I switched doctors and still gained weight. At one point I was on three medications: one for heart palpitations, another for high blood pressure, another to moderate my thyroid. Who knew this tiny butterfly gland at the base of the throat had so much power? When it's off, your whole body feels the effects. [For more information about thyroid disorders, see The Truth About the Thyroid.] I followed my doctor's orders to the letter (except for the part about working out). I took the prescribed medication religiously at the same time each day. Being medicated, though necessary, made me feel as if I were viewing life through a veil. I felt like an invalid. Everything was duller. I felt like the volume on life got turned down. I realized this to some extent, but I wasn't fully aware of the effect of the medication until I had a conversation with my friend Bob Greene. He'd given up lecturing me about working out and eating well, but we were walking together one day and he said, "I think something's wrong. You're listless. Your movements are slower, even when you're just doing normal stuff. Twice I've told you something and you don't remember it. There's no sparkle in your eyes. I think you're in some sort of depression." Me—depressed? I hadn't thought I was, but definitely something was off. I felt like the life force was being sucked out of me. I always had an excuse for being tired. It took extra effort to do everything. I didn't want to go anywhere, and I didn't want to be seen any more than I had to. I could oversee a show and a magazine that tell people how to live their best lives, but I definitely wasn't setting an example. I was talking the talk, but I wasn't walking the walk. And that was very disappointing to me. Immediately after that conversation with Bob, I called my doctor. "All this medicine is making my life feel like a flat line," I said. So my doctor slowly weaned me off it, except for one aspirin a day. (By the way, never suddenly stop taking prescribed medication, especially heart and blood pressure medication, without checking with your physician.) That choice was the beginning of my road back to health—and back to myself. Regaining my footing hasn't been easy. What is true for every one of you is also true for me: Life's responsibilities don't lessen just because you aren't feeling your best. In my case, the show literally must go on. Many days I didn't feel like going to work, but sick days aren't an option when more than 300 audience members have bought plane tickets and arranged babysitters so they could come to a taping. I think I hit bottom when I wanted to stay home even from a show as fun as the one we did with Tina Turner and Cher in Las Vegas. I was supposed to stand between them onstage, and I felt like a fat cow. I wanted to disappear. "God help me now," I thought. "How can I hide myself?" Later, as I was interviewing both of them about their ages (at the time, Tina was 68 and loved being older; Cher was 61 and didn't), I asked myself, "Who's the real older woman here? I am." They both had more energy than I did. They didn't just sparkle; they glittered. At the close of our 2007–2008 season and the beginning of my summer hiatus, I still had other commitments. I make at least four trips each year to check on my girls in South Africa. No matter what continent they're on, a group of 150 schoolgirls is a lot to manage. By the time I left South Africa, I knew I needed some time to do absolutely nothing. In July I was able to take a break. I went to sleep and woke up whenever I pleased. I sipped soy milk, downed vitamins, snacked on flaxseed, and allowed my body to restore itself. Some days I exercised by walking with my dogs in the hills of Maui; gradually I started working out on the treadmill, at first with a heart monitor to make sure there were no palpitations (it was a black box smaller than a BlackBerry, which I wore on my belt). By the end of the summer, I felt I could do a full hour of cardio without dropping dead. Next I tackled the food addiction, which is ongoing. As far as my daily food choices go, I'm not on any particular program. I've gone back to the commonsense basics we all know: eating less sugar and fewer refined carbs and more fresh, whole foods like fish, spinach, and fruit. But in order not to abuse food, I have to stay fully conscious and aware of every bite, of taking time and chewing slowly. I have to focus on being fully alive, awake, present, and engaged, connected in every area of my life. Right now. What I've learned this year is that my weight issue isn't about eating less or working out harder, or even about a malfunctioning thyroid. It's about my life being out of balance, with too much work and not enough play, not enough time to calm down. I let the well run dry. Here's another thing this past year has been trying to teach me: I don't have a weight problem—I have a self-care problem that manifests through weight. As my friend Marianne Williamson shared with me, "Your overweight self doesn't stand before you craving food. She's craving love." Falling off the wagon isn't a weight issue; it's a love issue. When I stop and ask myself, "What am I really hungry for?" the answer is always "I'm hungry for balance, I'm hungry to do something other than work." If you look at your overscheduled routine and realize, like I did, that you're just going and going and that your work and obligations have become a substitute for life, then you have no one else to blame. Only you can take the reins back. That's what I'm doing. These days I've put myself back on my own priority list; I try to do at least one hour of exercise five or six days a week. As I work out, eat healthfully, and reorder my life so there's time to replenish my energy, I continue to do the spiritual and emotional work to conquer this battle once and for all. My goal isn't to be thin. My goal is for my body to be the weight it can hold—to be strong and healthy and fit, to be itself. My goal is to learn to embrace this body and to be grateful every day for what it has given me. In 2009, dare I, dare all of us give ourselves all the love and care we need to be healthy, to be well, and to be whole? I know for sure that for each moment of this brand new year, I'm gonna try.

https://www.oprah.com/spirit/oprahs-battle-with-weight-gain-o-january-2009-cover/all

The unhealthy truth behind “wellness” and “clean eating”

I spoke about this purity fetish to Nigella Lawson, whose guilt-free approach to eating helped to reconfigure my attitude to food when I was at my most vulnerable. "I despair of the term 'clean eating,'" she said, "though I actually like the food that comes under that banner. ['Clean eating'] necessarily implies that any other form of eating—and consequently the eater of it—is dirty or impure and thus bad, and it's not simply a way of shaming and persecuting others, but leads to that self-shaming and self-persecution that is forcibly detrimental to true healthy eating."

Our diets become a moral issue when this is the food culture we foster, and gluten is just the start of it. "I wish people would recognize [this] before saying, 'Hey, try this cool elimination diet—you've got nothing to lose,'" lamented Alan Levinovitz when I asked him about this modern cult of elimination dieting. "Nothing to lose? No, there's a lot to lose."

https://www.vice.com/en_us/article/jm5nvp/ruby-tandoh-eat-clean-wellness

Why we fell for clean eating

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/aug/11/why-we-fell-for-clean-eating

[readmyjournal1996-blog]

when you think you love something

12/3/2017

I thought that I loved biology. My senior year of high school, I had no idea whatsoever as to what I wanted to major in, and college apps were due soon. Then, in my AP Bio class, I saw the light! I was good at that class. i aced almost everything. It was something I wanted to actually try in.

I started to notice how many nature documentaries I was watching in my free time. And how much I loved to learn about new animals, especially those that live in the ocean. I loved biology, and I thought that I had found something that I wanted to study for the rest of my life.

Fast forward to 10:01 AM in my ecology lab of my junior year in college. I’m so sick of this class. It turns out that anything ecology involves endless counting, and I’ve also found out that I’m not the best counter. My cell bio class is another one that I’m totally sick of. For every test I’ve taken so far, I have gone in with such high expectations, but I liked to you Professor, I rewatched your damn lecture captures so many times, and guess who still gets a C on everything? I don’t think I’ve ever been this discouraged.

And this is only my first semester actually taking any major classes. So far, I don’t believe I’ve learned much more that I haven’t already heard of before. You think you love something until you actually experience it.

I’m not every fond of my classes this semester, and although it makes me think that that maybe bio isn’t for me, I just have to keep telling myself that this is only the beginning. I have three semesters left of biology classes, and maybe I can’t find something to rekindle this flame I thought I had.

The ocean and its marine life is what I really love of biology. In fact, I almost went to a college in Florida to study marine biology, to major in that specifically. I had gotten accepted and given a very hefty scholarship upon my admission, and all I had to do was pay for room and board. Yeah, it was like $12k a year, but /marine biology/! It was a dream come true. They had a marching band. I could have lived by the beach. Maybe made more friends?

It’s all what if’s that I never got to try out, and I think about that today as I sit in an echo-y lab room, trying to comprehend the words coming from my Nepal-born professor. He’s done some extraordinary work with snow leopards that is so cool, but I can’t understand anything more than that.

UIC has both a pep band and concert band, which I’ve decided to join. I thought that thrusting myself into something that I liked in high school would open some doors for me, and hep me make friends. Because I certainly didn’t have any of those in high school. Yet, wouldn’t you know, UIC has close to 0% school spirit whatsoever. Everyone already has their friend groups (including in band) and no one seems to be looking for anyone else. The few people I have managed to make friends with commute, and there’s no staying after class to hangout.

Believe me, I am grateful for those people who decided to still sit next to me this late in the semester. I am. I just wish that things were still a little different, mostly because that’s what I was expecting coming into a huge four year university.

I expected these groups of friends that wanted to stay late on campus to hangout and study. I expected people to say, “hey, let’s go grab something to eat!” I expected myself to be walking to class with a friend or two, and weekends spent with them too.

Right now, I’d like to take a moment to say how much I appreciate the one person who, in my opinion, has met every single one of these expectations. Her (fake) name is Rosa. She’s been such a great friend to me recently, and I can honestly say that I don’t think there has been anyone else whose taken even a moment out of there day to think about me and my feelings. I’m so happy that I have you as a friend Rosa, and I hope we continue to be friends while we’re both still here.

Other than here and our walks home together after class down Taylor, I find myself still very alone.

I haven’t thought about the fact that maybe I could be a junior in a marine biology program down in Florida right now, for a quite a while. Even though I think that things could be so different there, it’s probably not true! Things have always turned out to be just okay for me, in my opinion. Average things happen to very average people; I find myself to be one of the average-est.

I don’t know why I still expect things to be any different. For things to be better. I am so unsatisfied with what my 20-year-old life has become, and I’m just sad all the time. But am I sad because I don’t like how things have turned out? Or because I have depression?

Depression is a very weird thing. I think it definitely has more than one component to it. So I can’t decided if there’s maybe something wrong with me, or if I’m just an ungrateful bitch. It’s hard to tell. I am really trying to just be grateful for what I have, but it gets… so difficult for me to do when more and more things just don’t turn out in a decent manner for me.

I know most of you (if not all) are so annoyed with me at this point. “You have to be your own change!” “Things in your life are only as good as you make them!” But honestly, fuck off, okay? at this point in my life, nothing seems very worth it to me. I indulge in horrible practices, such as retail therapy and eating my feeling, and I don’t really have much more feeling to care about myself anymore.

When it comes to other people, it’s like my feeling that maybe I should pay to myself are amplified for others. I cannot bear the thought of something being upset because of something I’ve done, or could have done. I would much rather see myself suffer, than see others suffer, because in my mind, they are much more worth it than I am. For example:

> ANA HIIII > cause I ask you a huge favor pls. So I have a have my counselor meaning at 1:30 on west campus for my major and idk what time it'll end. Can you please take my iclicker for today?

This was literally just sent to me not even two minutes ago. I haven’t talked to her since the class has started. But yeah, sure, I’ll do it, where do you want to meet?

In her defense, she’s a super nice person. It’s not her fault things didn’t work out between us as friends.

God, I have such a hard time with that word, haha. Stick boy- inferno of it and I’ve made it easily 3 billion times worse. I get caught up in any boy who is decently attractive, and pays me any kind of attention at all. Hence my high school long relationship with my first boyfriend! I couldn’t break up with him for more than a week at a time, because the thought of him being sad was unbearable. Maybe Boys are another story for different day…