#like??????? ive always struggled being open and honest with my parents and lately they give me so many less reasons to want to

[andoutofharm]

im so ready to go home tomorrow

[dracosearlgreytea]

indelicate marks (11)

indelicate marks: chapter eleven - the accusation 

A/N: aaa okay so heres the next chapter! ive been lowkey stressed about posting this chapter as it took a lot to write, but i hope you enjoy it.. thank you so so so much for the increased support from everyone, if i havent replied to a comment dw i do read them! they literally transform my day no matter how i feel, so yeah just thank you. lotsa love - ivy 

warnings: language, strong descriptions of ptsd/reliving bad memories, graphic descriptions of deep cuts and bleeding

lovely tags: @h-annahayy @okaydraco @fanficflaneuse @thatoneasrastan @biinspiration @honeymelon22

indelicate marks index 

January and February, after the first meeting of the year, passed by quiet. Draco's state was getting worse. Every time you'd see him, even when you'd met twice a week, something about him was growing... darker. Sometimes it wasn't just the bags under his eyes, or the sharpness of his cheekbones. Sometimes it was the way his tone never lifted out of the monotonous state he tended to abandon around you. Sometimes it was the way he could hardly hold a conversation, or the anxiety would overwhelm him and you'd have to sit with him tucked into your chest, praying that his breathing would settle soon. But, somehow, within the misery that hung over the two of you, you also managed to find the friend you had waited so long for. Draco was funny. Dry, and witty, and frustratingly funny. The things that he'd say as a passing comment could make you double over in laughter. You'd always find his lips shooting up into that wicked grin you'd grown to adore. That smile was something you'd find few and far between, and its rarity only settled it closer to your heart. He was smart, too - a lot less stupid that he made himself out to be. Draco could easily give Granger a run for her money, if he wanted to. He had a secret passion for Muggle literature. Something, which you found out totally by mistake  - and continued to bring up at any given opportunity just to annoy him. To your utter shock, Draco also played piano. He'd described an organ, back in Malfoy Manor. His parents would usually enchant to play by itself - but, his mother had still taken it upon herself to teach him how to play it when he was a child. The insights he offered you into his life were quite frankly fascinating. It was still odd. The dynamic between you was never quite settled; impermanent. There were little things you found yourself holding onto. Like his smile, or the way he frowned when he listened to you talk, as though he was really focusing on your words.   Since your realisation at the beginning of the year, your affections for Draco had only grown. Most of the time, you'd manage to ignore it, only swallowing back the flutters in your chest. Because there was no way you could fancy Draco Malfoy. There was no way he would ever reciprocate, and there was no way it could ever work between you even if he did. And, it was nice. Being friends with someone. You could cope with the darkness he carried. You could cope with pushing away any indication of your developing attachment to him. Having someone to talk to, to even just be around - complicated or not - was a privilege you had never had. But, as much as you attempted to ignore it, the tension at Hogwarts was also getting a lot worse. Trying not to think about what would happen when you had to return home at the end of the year was difficult. Even the idea of having that mark on your arm was sickening. You didn't even want to acknowledge the fact that to take it, you would have to expose the mark that already sat on your forearm. Most likely, to the Dark Lord himself. The glares got worse. The comments got more threatening. Walking the corridors was not safe for you. Not when your parents had killed so many families of the students around you. It hadn't exactly been before, but now, with that suffocating atmosphere, it had only gotten worse. Keeping a firm grip on your wand at all times was second nature, at this point. You had been on your way to a meeting with Draco when your fears became too real. The feeling of someone following you had been tugging at your conscious for most of the day. But then, most people were watching you, anyway, eyes lingering on you in every hall or classroom you passed through. So, you'd only shrugged it off as your paranoia overreacting. It was still light. With winter beginning to pass, the nights were growing shorter. Weekly trips to the classroom were no longer spent in the dark, much to your appreciation. Just as you reached the last staircase leading to the third floor, it jumped into action. It swung away from your destination, and you ground your teeth, hanging onto the railings. Again, you only passed your mistake off as a busy mind - until you glanced behind you. The previous staircase had also moved. A distinct dread began to poison your gut. With the piece of staircase behind you gone, your only choice was to progress onto wherever this one would take you. You swallowed, staring up as the stairs docked. It lead onto a one-way corridor, a piece of the castle that was rarely used, and a quiver ran over your hand as you wrapped your fingers around your wand. Slipping it from your back pocket, you finally shifted. Someone wanted you in that corridor. Someone wanted you cornered. The second you stepped off of the stairs, it jolted away from you, only confirming your assumption. Stranded in the corridor, the lack of windows cast an eerie shadow down its length. There was only two classrooms coming off the sides, and one at the end - most likely locked, with a spell more powerful than 'alohamora' would fix. Edging forwards, you flung your eyes around you. Your heart was thudding dangerously in your chest - it was currently dinner. No one would be around to help if something happened, assuming anyone would help you. Draco was unlikely to come searching for you if you turned up late, waiting on the opposite side of the moving staircases. You only hoped you could reach the stairs before something bad could happen to you. Pausing, your eyes met the end doorway. It was ajar. You pressed yourself against the wall as you shifted closer - the opening only offered to show you a slice of darkness within. Someone could be, however, waiting for you inside. Hoping your curiosity would get the better of you. Preparing to jump you. Setting your wand upright and poised, you lifted your hand, before shoving the door open. Only, before you could get a glimpse inside, it had slammed shut in your face. You stumbled back a couple steps, true panic setting in. "Was it you?" A voice came from behind you. You'd walked straight into a trap. Taking in a shuddering breath, you spun to face the voice. A flicker of your brow, and you stared at the figure blocking the end of the corridor. "Potter?" He had emerged from one of the classrooms either side of you, wand clenched in his fist and eyes hard. Stupid, you're so stupid, you should have checked. "Was it you, Y/N?" Harry repeated, watching you with an unpredictable atmosphere to him. "Did you curse the necklace?" It took a second for any words to form on your lips. Your mind was going to into overdrive. Harry would not hurt you intentionally, you knew that much - he wasn't that type of person. But what he could do unintentionally... "I don't know what you're talking about." You said. Attempting to appeal to whatever friendship you'd had last year, you kept your voice as clear and honest as you could. Harry, however, did not shift. "It was you, or Malfoy." His voice lilted with questioning, and your jaw tightened. You had to remind yourself to keep breathing, act natural, even at the mention of Draco. Shit, what the fuck has Draco been doing? I know it's bad - it's the Dark Lord - but Merlin, if Harry is involved... "I said," You forced an eyebrow up at Harry in emphasis. "I don't know what you're talking about." Voice gruff, relief flooded through you. You'd managed to keep your composition. There was a million scenarios involving Draco running through your mind, and you bit back a shudder. "Then prove you're not one of them." Shit. Harry had gestured to your arm with his wand. You grew rigid in terror, a shaking whisper falling from your lips before you could swallow it back. "What?" "Show me your arm, and prove to me you're not a Deatheater." Harry said, voice a lot more forceful than before. No, no. No, this can't be happening - he wouldn't - he can't - "I don't have to prove anything to you, Potter." You spat - but there was no denying the quiver in your words. Sickness curling in the pit of your stomach, you clutched your wand, scrutinising Harry's every little movement. He shifted. It was so, so slight. Maybe he was moving towards you, maybe he was only adjusting his stance. It didn't matter, because before you could think, you raised your wand and shouted the first thing that came to mind. "Stupify-" "Expelliarmus!" You could only watch in utter horror as your wand flew through the air and clattered to the ground. All the way at the other end of the corridor. Behind Harry. No, no, no- You couldn't move. Frozen. It was as though you were in that cupboard again. Crushed against the wall, watching as two boys enchanted a blade and laughed at the way you choked for breath. "It's okay, Deatheater. You're going to get your mark soon." Harry was moving towards you now. You stumbled, falling back against the door, hands coming to press down on the handle. Locked. No escape. Breathing frantic, you could only stare at Harry with wide, angry eyes. You didn't speak as he grabbed your left arm, pulling it out in front of you. No, you didn't even struggle. You were still in that fucking broom cupboard. Harry's fingers burnt horribly against your skin, pushing up your sleeve. His eyes lingered on you as he did so, long enough to make your skin crawl. Then, he looked down. It burnt. Burnt, as though Harry had struck a match and put it to your flesh. He came to stare at you again, falling a few strides away from you as you snatched your arm back to your chest. You wanted to shout - no, scream at him, but you could do nothing but hold in the gasps of pain. Harry hadn't seen the blood. He hadn't seen the way the cuts had began to tear open, slowly. Excruciatingly. "Get the fuck away from me." It was hardly a whisper - more some inhuman, animalistic snarl. It was all you could manage. The flames were growing hotter and hotter and you'd forgotten how to breath. My wand. I need my wand. "Y/N - I'm so sorry - I-" "Go!" Something in Harry managed to click, seeing your contorted expression. With one last, horrified look, he turned and rushed away, the stairs swinging back to greet him as he did. The second he was out of sight, you let out a shuddering breath, daring a glance down to the state of your arm. Blood was already spilling down your fingers. It seeped into the fabric of your shirt, like the sea lapping at the shore - but bloodier, and a lot more sickening. "How does it feel to bleed, Deatheater? I bet you're fucking enjoying it, you sicko, just like your parents did." An involuntary whimper escaped you, unable to contain it with your mind so hazy from panic and pain. Agony was lacing its way up your arm and through your entire body, and you had to remind yourself - your wand. I need my wand. Staggering forward, you focused your gaze on your wand at the end of the corridor. Blood was spilling steadily onto floor, staining your shirt, but you refused to acknowledge it. Groans escaped your throat, scalding pain cutting deeper and deeper into your skin. Feeling the liquid thick on your hands, you, almost instinctively, gave it another look. Your entire sleeve was coated in red. An overwhelming nausea hit your gut. Falling against the wall, you desperately attempted to get your breath, but it only came in short pants. You'd barely made it halfway down the corridor. Harry had taken too long to leave, given the cuts too much time to reopen before the worst kicked in. Last time, with Draco, the reaction had been quick and easy. This time, you were alone, and wandless. Head spinning, you attempted to choke down a deep breath, and pushed forward. Everything was starting to blur a little, your head a spinning mess of thoughts. You couldn't focus. Tired. You felt so tired. You were close. You were so close to grabbing your wand, hands slick with blood as you stretched out your arm, shaking. Another step - a stumble. Your entire body crashed to floor. There was a terrible, harsh blow to the side of your head. Your ears filled with a high buzzing, sight wavering as you stared from your wand only inches away from you, to your left arm. Ten letters, red and clear. Tears rolled down your cheeks, but you didn't recognise them. It hurt, it hurt so bad, you couldn't think, couldn't breath. It was all a blur, really. A blur of torments and whispers. A blur of blade against skin. "Deatheater." "Y/N? Y/N-"

[kooandme]

001/?

hi friend,

i decided to start something like this.. something like a diary. i’m not sure if i’m able to keep it up for more than a day, but hey, you never know! i mean i kinda do, but who knows..

i kinda wanted to start this because lately (several years) i’ve been feeling terrible, why is it that i only remember the worst days? well, no one really wants to listen to me, no one really cares even if they claim they do. it feels like being lied to constantly and it kind of sucks if i’m being super honest. the last time i opened up to someone i regretted it the very next second. i remember tryng to open up about my suicidal tendencies, especially overdose but the reaction was so... it just wasn’t enough to make me believe they care. the thing is, they told me first about their faltering mental health, they also mentioned how they had to told their mom to hide some pills bcs something may happen. and when i thought it’s gonna be fine if i say “same” or “i feel that” but it just werent. their reaction was so ,....? underwhelming? as if they were not expecting that nor accepting it. as if they were always the one to suffer more, as if they always had it the worst. and i hate that. I HATE IT so much, having to forever compare my own struggles to others’ and they decide they arent that bad so im not gonna do anything abt them. im so tired of that. 

i know its my fault too.. i need exact, specific reaction to make me believe i didnt make mistake opening up. i dont know what the reaction im looking for is, but not something underwhelming, as if to feel sorry for me or sad. i dont want any of that. and i dont know why it makes me so fucking angry all the time, its just people suck so bad. and so do i. and theres just this negativity and negativity and nothing nice or fun. i hate how ppeople seek support and validation but dont look back to do the same for others. i hate that this is my mindset and i hate that no one cares whether i live or die. people gonna just pretedn to be sad on their instagram stories or twitter and be like “they were such a nice person..:(” NO i werent, and you wouldnt know if you tried to know me. im not a nice or good person, and i hate that people see me as that.. because that means tahat its all a lie and... i just keep lying to everyone around me. and that sucks.

i think im depressed as well. especially during quarantine i just.. ive been so out of it. and its not only because of quarantine, to be honest it has started when i was around 13-14 but i repressed it obviously. now i can see the illness in all its glory. no motivation, loss of EVERY SINGLE interest, terrible fucking hygiene bevause why would i shower if i dont have to, feeling nothing like...nothing at all, unless its anger or hurt and just generally not caring about anything ever. id end it right here and right now if it werent for my family. id take those pills in my drawer and swallow them all, hoping to overdose and die slowly. that seems like the only escape as of right now. obviously, if i could, id give my life to anyone, gladly so, i just dont think thats how it works. 

lately ive also been thinking about drugs. i dont have any near me, and i also live with my parents so it would be very difficult to both sneak them in and use them. im not actually talking about hard drugs like cocaine or whatver. just some fun ones that make you forget for a while. i have experience with weed, and it was great. sometimes i just wanna smoke my ass of so i dont even remember my own name. sometimes i wanna drink to forget as well. i wanna feel the pain waking up the next morning with throbbing headache, i want to feel something. even if its pain. i m just so tired of this eternal nothingness, that seems to get even worse with time. 

its not fun, life isnt fun

d

[parkersvibes]

finding out peter is spiderman

read part one here

a/n: omg guys. i got so much feedback from you all on part one so i decided to make a part 2. and yeahh i really hope you guys enjoy. if you do lmk and i’ll do a part 3 (:

(i also apologize if the read more doesnt work )))): )

warnings: fluff, a smidge on angst

pt 2. peter parker x stark!reader

• figuring out he was spiderman

• alright you’re a stark

• but no one knows that

• but you’re really intuitive

• so there were little things you started to notice

• after uncle ben died there was some weird shit (if you want a part ab comforting peter ab uncle ben lemme know. he deserves his own part)

• like how he stopped wearing his adorable glasses

•and i guess started almost bulking up????

• he got WAY taller

• and usually you’re used to seeing him shirtless but this one time you walked in on him

• holy mother of god

• IT WAS LIKE HE GREW ABS OVER NIGHT

• BECAUSE FRESHMAN PETE DID NOT HAVE A 6 PACK

• freshman peter also got winded walking up the stairs

• AND NOW HE’S RUNNING LAPS IN GYM LIKE ITS NOTHING ??

• must be nice

• but then things got more sus

• all of a sudden he was skipping class more

• leaving early

• cancelling study sessions and skipping movie nights with ned

• and you and ned were clueless

• you and ned started hanging out more

• MR. LEEDS IS HILARIOUS LEMME TELL YOU

• he was like this little ball of happiness

• you found out his real name is Edward

• HOW CUTE

• and WOW HIS MOM BEING FILIPINA MEANT THAT YOU WERE BEING FED ALL THE TIME OH MY GOD

• ngl pete got a bit jealous

• one night,,, when pete cancelled YET AGAIN

• ned asked you, “hey y/n?”

• “hm”

• “why don’t we ever hang out at your place”

• “i told you ned, my family is just a lot yanno. plus your family and may are really cool”

• “okay but how come you don’t have any social media under your name?”

• “wdym?”

• “like you go by ‘y/n Smith’ but everything that pops up on the internet isn’t YOU”

• “pfff i told you,,, i dont believe in that stuff”

• “y/n, you know you can tell me anything”

• you wanted to be honest. this was one of your best friends. and you’ve been lying to them about your family for over a year now

• “ned i just. it’s complicated”

• “like peter’s family?”

• “nonono, i’m lucky to have both of my parents- well i have a step mom. my real mom wanted nothing to do with me. so she left me on the steps of my dads house. never came back”

• “oh shit bro, i’m sorry”

• “nah don’t worry. my dad is really cool and my step mom... she’s awesome.”

• “what’re their names”

• NATASHA WAS GONNA KILL YOU IF SHE COULD SEE HOW BAD YOU WERE STRUGGLING

• “well- uh- my step moms name is,,, um. well her real name is Virginia”

• THE WORLD KNEW PEPPER AS PEPPER NOT VIRGINIA

• “and my- my dads name is ehm... st, steve???”

• natasha was gonna have your ass

• “y/n,,,”

• “yeah”

• “you’re a horrible liar”

• “PFFF WHAAAT? NO IDEA WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT”

• “dude you left your spiderman fan tumblr open on my laptop that one night,,, and i MAY have done some snooping”

• okay you mightve had a slight obsession with the webslinger. HE WAS COOL. and what better way to keep track of him without alerting your family,,, good ol tumblr

• oh god ned, HOW MUCH SNOOPING”

• “enough to know that you have a weird obsession with that spider guy and that your last name isnt smith”

• so you told him the truth. you were a stark

• and well,,, he reacted with

• “okay cmon,,, don’t lie”

• so you showed him your late night dance parties with Nat when she was feeling goofy

• and your random snaps of steve when he was trying to figure out how to work technology

• videos of you reacting to vines with bucky

(if yall wanna see domestic life with the avengers just lmk)

• which usually results with THE WINTER SOLDIER ALMOST PEEING HIS PANTS. and trying to reenact it with sam or the other avengers

• “heyheyehy y/n guess what?”

• “what bucky?” *is in the middle of doing hw*

• “FRESHOVACADO” *bolts out of the room before you throw something at him*

• only the two of you getting vine and meme references

• (meaning getting in trouble during meetings bc you’ll make eye contact and start laughing)

• OH HIS FAVORITE IS THE “country boiiii, i love you,,, 😛”

• anywaayyy

• ned was SHOOK

• “nowayohmygodyoureanavenger”

• “no ned,,, only when they need me to be”

• *led to him asking 100000 questions*

• “does Mr. America smell like old man”

• “what language does Ms. Widow think in”

• “how many shirts does Mr. Hulk own”

• “so do they wear normal clothes or are they always PREPARED”

• “does your dad have to walk a weird way when hes in his suit”

• “do they ever chafe in their suits”

• “yes ned. we’re stocked up on baby powder”

• which you didnt mind bc it felt nice telling the truth

• ned WANTED TO TELL PETER SO BAD

• “ned no, i don’t want him to think of me differently”

• he understood. but still defended peter and said that hed still treat you the same

• anyway,,, peter started showing up with bruises and stuff which had you v concerned

• “pete what’s up? you’ve been avoiding ned and i and you have skipped out on every movie night since sophomore year started”

• “t’s nothing. dont worry ab it”

• “peter cmon, it’s just me”

• you figured maybe it had to do with ben??? but you gave him his space. you just wanted to be there for him yanno. you didnt want him to shut you out

• “Y/N I SAID ITS NOTHING. FOR FUCKS SAKE CAN YOU LEAVE ME ALONE???” he snapped (and not in the good way)

• and this was on your way to class so the whole hallway heard

• ouch

• so you left him alone. probably more than he meant. but it hurt

• i mean he was your first friend here, and now he yelled at you to leave you alone

• ned felt awful at first. trying to comfort you and tell you it wasnt your fault

• but then he started acting weird. whenever you brought up peter hed be super antsy about it

• you- “i think he got into another fight or something”

• ned- “pFFT PETER? FIGHTING? no way,,, i got-i gotta go”

• so you figured that whatever peter was hiding, ned knew about,, which also hurt your feelings

• so you closed off

• and wow could the super family tell something was wrong

• wanda- “little stark, i can feel your sadness all the way to my room”

• sam/bucky/rhodes- “okay what’s the deal, we’ve played 5 rounds of fortnite and you havent once rage quit even though you’re doing terrible”

• tony- “kid, what’s wrong? everyone here can tell you’re not feeling great”

• nat- “cmon. ive given you 3 opportunities to kick my ass and you havent once complained about me going easy?”

• thor- “lady y/n what is causing you distress? not once have you smiled, i even wore my hair in pigtails,,, and that seems to always do the trick”

• and you gave the same response every time “‘m just tired” “lots of homework”

• they noticed you werent going out on weekends anymore

• so tony figured that your friend group and you were having some Stuff

• pep gave him an idea of meeting his new prodigy

• now tony knew it’d be kinda sus because peter went to midtown but he figured that if the kid kept his mask on it’d be fine

• “dad i don’t wanna see another one of your weird maid robots”

• “wha- no i want you to meet someone”

• “dad college isn’t for another 2 years. if it’s your friend from MIT-“

• then right before your eyes was the insect boy that youve been admiring through the internet

• needless to say

• your jaw dripped

• “y/n meet spiderling, spiderling meet my daughter y/n stark”

• *seconds pass*

• “i uh- oH- um- sp-spidERman, h-hi. biG fan of you- your work”

• *silence*

• you- “oH dad diD you hear th-that? moM is calling mE”

• tony- “what?? pep wouldve called on the interco-“

• spiderman- “y/n”

• you- SHOOK TO THE CORE BECAUSE YOU KNEW THAT VOICE. THAT WAS THE VOICE THAT SOUNDED LIKE HONEY BUT COULD CUT YOU DEEPER THAN ANY WEAPON IN YOUR HOUSE

• you- “p-peter???”

• tony- *shocked pikachu face* “you know each other???”

• you- “so-something like that yeah”

• peter takes off his mask

• “ohmygodpeterisspiderman”

• “ohmygodyourlastnameisntsmith”

• tony- “im gonna let you guys figure this out” *walks backward slowly*

*insert silence*

• you- “so this is what you were hiding, huh?” with a cold tone

• “IM HIDING? YOU LIED ABOUT YOUR WHOLE HOME LIFE TO NED AND I”

• *yelling at each other for another minute. even though you couldnt hear what the other is saying*

• you- *yelling loudest “I DIDNT WANT YOU TO SEE ME DIFFERENTLY OKAY”

• peter- “you really thought id do that?” (heartbreaking voice)

• you- “i- once i got to know you, i knew you wouldnt but i was scared. i didn’t know how to tell you. for once in my life i had found someone my age who liked ME for ME. not for my name or money or my dad. and i didn’t want to change that. i’m sorry i didn’t tell you sooner”

• peter- “... i get what you mean. after ben died everyone gave me that look. except you and ned.”

• you- “why didn’t you tell me”

• peter- “everyone i love or ever cared about dies. my parents and then my uncle ben. so once i got my abilities i knew that the risk was even higher and i didn’t want to put you in that position. i wanted to keep you safe. but it seems like you know how to handle yourself” (referring to the fact that you grew up with THE EARTHS MIGHTIEST HEROS)

• y/n- “so how come ned found out?”

• peter *scratches back of neck* “well- he- i- May let him in my room and i happen to be crawling on the ceiling in my suit and he dropped the death star” *head hangs in shame*

• you had to giggle at that i mean CMON

• you stepped closer to him

• “pete you’re my best friend. you can tell me anything okay?”

• “no more secrets?”

• “no more secrets”

• and you both pinky promise and your thumbs “kiss” bc IF THEY ITS THE ULTIMATE UNBREAKABLE VOW DONT @ ME

• peter parker gives you the biggest hug that maKES YOUR HEART JUMP BC PHYSICAL CONTACT WITH A PERSON AS PRETTY AS HIM MAKES YOUR HEART FEEL A CERTAIN WAY

• but you wrapped your arms around his neck and enjoyed the moment

• wow he is really cozy

• * the avengers are watching from the cameras in awe*

• led to MANY questions at dinner

• and so everything went back to “normal”

• it wasn’t until you went to bed that night that you realized peter said the L word

• WHAT

• so much for no secrets

taglist: @silver-winter-wolf @emmmmszy @everythingaboutnothingsstuff @rexorangecouny @wishiwasanavenger @marjoherbo @nologinisoksothatsit @mindset-jupiter @hpnjrph @soup238

some favs/mutrals: @h-osterfield @starksparker @stuckonspidey @sunshinehollandd @keepingupwiththeparkers @hey-marlie @spyder-bites

[thetravelerwrites]

A New Generation (Pt. 2)

Rating: Teen Fandom: 魔法使いの嫁 | Mahou Tsukai no Yome | The Ancient Magus Bride Relationships: Hatori Chise x Elias Ainsworth Characters: Elias Ainsworth, Hatori Chise, Chise Hatori, Silver Lady, Silkie, Ruth, Titania, Oberon, Shannon, Stella Barklem, Angelica Burley, David Burley, Althea Burley, Lindel | Lindenbaum, Merituuli Trigger Warnings: Pregnancy, Childbirth, Babies, Infants, Depression, Anxiety, Discrimination, Unplanned Pregnancy, Abandonment, References to Abuse, References to Abandonment, References to Child Murder Words: 8551

As Chise's pregnancy progresses, Elias is consumed with worry that his child will be rejected by both fae and humans, as he had been. Chise struggles with the fear that she might abandon or harm her own children, as her parents did. 

When Elias returned home from London, he sat down with Chise and had a very long, solemn conversation with her about the pregnancy, and for the first time, they talked about a future that also involved their child. Or children, if Chise was correct in her belief that there were two.

He told her about going to speak with Lindel, Simon, and Angelica and what their advice had been. Like him, Chise found Angelica’s tale the most consoling. Knowing that the artificer had felt similar apprehension about procreating helped Chise feel less isolated.

Calling Angelica and talking to her at length also did much to improve Chise’s disposition, not just about Chise’s ability to parent but also about the pregnancy itself. It didn’t cure her of her worries, but having someone to talk to who knew exactly what she was going through was a great comfort to her.

Finally managing to convince Elias to install a landline in the house had been a pretty recent accomplishment. He fought this "modern indulgence" for quite a long time, but when he finally understood that it meant she didn’t have to walk to town to use the public phone every other day, he was more open to the idea, especially since walking long distances was going to become rather difficult for her as time went on. The noise the device made was annoying, but seeing her smile when she answered it was enough to keep him from being too bothered by the sound.

The change in her mood greatly eased Elias’s mind. Watching Chise spiral into a deep, black pit of terror and depression was difficult for him to bear, especially given there was little he could on his own to improve it. As much as he wanted to help her, he had eventually come to understand that sometimes people could only find solace in others who’d had comparable experiences. This was just not his ken, so it was better left to those suited to the task.

He tried to quash his own fears for her sake, but she knew him too well to let him get away with keeping those thoughts to himself. At night, before they slept, she would talk to him; just talk, not expecting him to respond if he wasn’t in the mood to do so, and it helped him. Hearing the sudden shift in her voice from cold despair to tentative hope had done much to alleviate his woes. She encouraged him to be honest with her about what he felt, but didn’t push him to talk if he didn’t want to. More often than not, though, he would. They would lay bear their worries to each other and try to find the bright side. They were both still afraid, but they were facing that fear together.

And it helped.

Summer was in full swing, and Elias was twice as busy as normal now that Chise was limited as to what she could do. He didn’t grumble about it much; after all, he had done everything himself before she had come along. But they had become a well-coordinated, efficient team over the years and he had come to treasure her reserved, supportive assistance in all things, whether practical or magical. He rather missed working in tandem with her.

Though she was no longer allowed to do any of her normal seasonal chores beyond a little light weeding and watering, she would often sit in the garden with him as he worked and help whenever she could, not content with staying in bed all day like an invalid. Besides, having Chise within Elias’s sight and hearing was good for his heart and mind.

Ruth spent his time keeping a close, watchful eye on her, reporting any physical ills that Chise might keep to herself to Elias. As long as she was at rest, though, they were happy enough.

Late one night, he walked into their bedroom to prepare for sleep and found her naked in front of a mirror, standing to the side, looking down at her belly.

“What are you doing?” He asked curiously.

“Look at my stomach,” She said, her hands gently probing her lower abdomen. “It’s bigger. And it’s hard, too. Feel.”

Elias came close and laid his hand on her stomach. It was indeed hardened, as though she had swallowed a large stone, and there was a swelling between her hips; not big, but definitely noticeable.

And perhaps he imagined it, but he thought he felt a strange swirl of energy embedded there underneath the flesh and muscle, lodged deep in her body. No, two swirls. Perhaps Chise’s instinct was more credible than he first thought.

“Hmm,” He said. “Why is that?”

“Angelica says the uterus thickens and becomes more solid to protect the fetuses,” She said, reaching for a book on her nightstand. “It says so in this, too. Alice sent it to me. I told her about the babies, by the way, but I swore her to secrecy. I haven’t told Stella yet, but she’s busy at university and I didn’t want to bother her during finals.”

Elias bent to peer at the book. “What is it?”

She flipped through the rather large paperback volume. “It’s a book about pregnancy and birth. It’s actually pretty informative. So many things make sense now.”

“May I read it, then?” He asked. “There is much I still need to learn. I have a distinct dearth of knowledge about this particular subject and I feel compelled to rectify that.”

“Sure,” she said, handing it to him. “I’ve read up to the third trimester, so I won’t need it for a little while. I hope it helps.”

In some ways it did, and in others it didn’t. During gestation, he learned, the woman’s body produces excess blood to carry extra oxygen to the baby, which in turn causes the mother’s heart rate to accelerate for the duration of the pregnancy, which in turn causes her core temperature to rise. That explained that part, at least.

But other aspects of pregnancy and childbirth were, to put it mildly, horrifying. Things like nosebleeds, strange cravings, extreme mood swings, increased sex drive, swelling of the extremities, sudden hair growth or hair loss, violent fits of vomiting that lasted for months, soreness almost everywhere, food aversions, heighten sensitivity of smell, touch, and taste… the list of physical oddities was extensive. Bones would often be pushed out of the way and change position to compensate for the growing child, sometimes even fracturing or breaking in the process. And all of this was considered normal.

And those were just minor possible symptoms. The more severe ones were downright ghastly. There was no end of ways that it could go wrong, no end to the possible damage to the mother, no end to the ways the child could be born ill or malformed, and that was just for regular, non-magical children. There was no telling what kind of ailments could befall the child of two mages, especially if both parents were cursed.

And the descriptions of the birthing process itself, including the many, many things that could go awry, was nothing short of nauseating. Several times, he had to shut the book and put it aside for a while, appalled at what he learned. He hated to admit it, but sometimes knowledge for knowledge’s sake wasn’t always a good thing.

Once the first physical changes had begun, time seemed to speed up. Chise’s body changed rapidly, her stomach growing larger every day to carry the new life safely. She seemed especially breakable these days, and Elias couldn’t help being even more protective than he had been before.

For years before he had bought Chise, nothing had changed. Things went on as they always had, and it was as comfortable as it was dull. Then, once he met her, things changed, but it was a slow change. Even though things happened that never had before, it came at a pace he could understand and absorb.

Now, everything was new and happening too fast for him to process, and he was trying his best to keep up. He did not adapt well to change.

One afternoon in late July, while Chise was having her afternoon nap, Elias awoke her with a touch to her cheek.

“I’m sorry to wake you, Little Bird,” He said softly. “But there is a guest downstairs who has come a long way to see you. Are you feeling up to greeting them?”

She smiled. “Sure.”

Downstairs, she saw a tallish, pale man standing in their sitting room in modern clothes, looking around the room curiously. His blonde hair was separated into two bunches and hung over his shoulders. The the pupils of his bright blue eyes were slits, like that of a wild predator.

“Lindel!” Chise exclaimed in surprise.

When he saw her enter the room, a wide smile split his face. “It’s good to see you, my daughter,” He said, his arms open toward her.

She rushed forward to give him a hug. “What are you doing here? The dragons--”

“Can survive me being gone for an hour or two. Besides, Merituuli is to inform me right away if anything should happen while I’m here. I haven’t heard from you in a while and I wanted to check on you.” He held her at arms length and looked at her belly. “You’re coming along rather quickly, aren’t you? I sense very strong life essences brewing in there. Your offspring will be incredibly powerful mages. I can’t wait to meet my grandchildren; you must bring them to the aerie once they’ve been born.”

“More than one?” Chise asked.

“Oh, yes,” Lindel replied. “Two separate, distinct energies, hale and healthy, growing well.”

“Ha,” Chise said quietly. “I knew it.”

“Now,” He took her hand and hooked it around his arm. “Why don’t you give me a tour and tell me all about your preparations for the little ones? I’ve never actually been to Thorn’s home, you know. The ungrateful brat has never so much as extended an invitation.”

Elias sniffed slightly and sat in his chair, picking up a book he must have been reading before Lindel arrived.

“Of course,” She said, turning. Silver was looking in shyly from the kitchen, where Ruth was having a snack. “This is Silver Lady. She’s a neighbor who runs the house and looks after us. She’s been a big help to me.”

Lindel bowed. “A pleasure.”

Maybe it was Chise’s imagination, but she could have sworn Silver blushed.

“Good to see you again, Ruth,” Lindel said pleasantly. “Keeping a sharp eye on our favorite girl, are you?”

“Of course,” Ruth said. “She’s been getting plenty of rest, but she’s not eating as much as I’d prefer.”

Chise sighed heavily. “Elias’s fussing is bad enough, but having a fae nanny breathing down my neck all day is really irritating.”

Lindel laughed softly. “I would imagine so.”

Chise showed him her old room upstairs with Ruth trailing behind, where Silver had surprised her one day by converting it into a nursery. Silver, at least, seemed very excited about the new additions to the family and was going to extraordinary lengths to make sure the house was ready for their arrival.

The brand-new cupboards were stacked with blankets and swaddling and dressing gowns and cloth diapers, all handmade by Silver. There were double changing tables and bassinets, set side by side, and even a rocking chair next to the window. Chise had no idea where all the new furniture had even come from. Silver had used neutral colors to decorate the room: a mix of light and dark browns and soft purples and blues. The walls had been painted with a mural of wildflowers and trees, and the floor was plush grass-green carpet, as though the room was outside in a meadow. It was beautiful. Chise had cried and hugged Silver for quite a while when Silver presented it to her.

Ah, mood swings.

Elias had not been prepared for these emotional outbursts and, quite frankly, neither had Chise. She’d go from really happy to really sad to really annoyed all in the span of a few minutes. It was rather dizzying for the both of them. Ruth tried to warn Elias when they were coming, but he couldn’t always tell, so they were often blindsided by a sudden explosion of emotion that even Chise didn’t always understand. He supposed there was some comfort to be found in the fact that she was just as confused as he was.

Chise showed Lindel Elias’s study, and her workroom beyond where she practiced her spellcraft, and then decided to take a break in the garden. Lindel sat with Chise, talking animatedly about the baby dragons and happily eating Silver’s sandwiches and cakes. It was probably a nice change from stew. He even coaxed a song from Chise, one he had taught her in Icelandic about a hungry raven that slept beneath rock rifts. She had missed singing with him.

The sound of their voices raised in song brought Elias out to join them. He hadn’t heard her sing in some time and was pleased to hear it. She only sang when she was in a good mood. The resonance of their voices made the trees stand straighter, the flowers bloom brighter, and the sunlight shine gently upon them without being overpowering. When Lindel and Chise worked together, everything they touched was magic. Elias couldn’t help but be a little jealous of that.

The visit was a splendid one that did much to brighten Chise’s spirit. Before long, Lindel felt the aerie calling his heart home and left Chise with a hug and well-wishes. He even shook Elias’s hand.

Lindel snapped and sparked and was gone in a flurry of snow and cinders. Chise was sorry to see him go. She really felt as though Lindel was a surrogate father. When he called her his daughter, there had been weight to it. He genuinely meant it.

Chise made to go inside, but Elias took her by the hand to stop her, looking off into the woods.

“I believe we may have further visitors,” He said, taking his veil and flinging it over his face. He pointed to the treeline.

There, almost invisible under the dappled sunlight filtering through the trees, stood a fae woman of indescribable beauty. Her black hair trailed behind her and brushed the ground as she walked, and her skin was as smooth as the petals of a lily. Her eyes, the colors of which shifted as though iridescent, were locked on Chise from where she stood motionless in the shadow. How long she had been there, no one could say, but her attention was on Chise and nothing else.

“Lady Titania,” Chise breathed.

As though summoned, Titania stepped out of the shelter of trees and began to walk toward them. Spriggan stepped out of her shadow, the gold rings adorning his staff jingling as he walked. He looked as surly as ever.

“My dear, sweet robin,” Titania said, holding her arms out to Chise and she stepped forward. “Oh! Isn’t it so wonderful!”

“I assume the little folk have informed you of Chise’s condition,” Elias said.

“Oh,yes, my child. I can’t tell you how pleased I am! Oberon is beside himself.” She glanced back to the forest’s edge. Chise and Elias followed her gaze to see Oberon running to and fro, giggling like a child and throwing flowers into the air. Chise laughed softly and shook her head.

Titania returned her attention to Chise and touched her hand to Chise’s belly. “Look how far along you are! I must say, though, I am terribly put out that you hid it from us for so long.”

“I’m sorry,” Chise said. “I… it’s been… difficult.”

Titania took her face in her hands. “Poor child,” She said. “Do not despair. This is a blessing. What a wondrous gift it is to be mortal. The fae do not breed well with each other and as such, our children are rare. That’s why there are so many old tales among mortals about halflings, though such things are far less likely in this millenia.” Her gaze brushed across Elias’s tall form briefly. “I suppose it’s how your race proliferates so effectively. You’re like rabbits, in that way.” She giggled.

“Oh, what a wonderful turn of fate!” Oberon crooned gleefully, skipping around the group of them. “I can’t wait to see the new little mages. Is there any chance at all they’ll be blonde? Oh, nevermind, they’ll be adorable either way!”

“Titania,” Elias started, ignoring Oberon as he pranced around them, laying a flower crown on Chise’s head. “You have the gift of foresight. Can you…” He paused, clutching the fabric of his shirt over his chest, as though in pain. “Is there any way to tell… that is to say…” He stumbled to a stop.

“Elias,” Titania said kindly. “Ask your question plainly, and I shall answer as best as I can.”

Elias sighed. “The children… our children… will they be… like me? Half-creatures, hated and shunned for the sin of merely being alive in a world where they do not belong?”

Chise’s heart bled for him. It must have quite a blow to his pride to ask that question. She knew he’d never admit it to anyone, not even her, but the constant reminder that he was neither one or the other was something that caused him perpetual grief. The idea that he was terrified his own children would share this fate made Chise’s heart ache. She took his hand in hers and squeezed it consolingly.

“Oh, Thorn,” Titania said sadly. “I see branches; roads that split and diverge like serpents in the sea of potentiality. I see many possibilities, though some are more likely than others. I cannot give you a solid answer because the paths are still many and multiplying. I cannot tell you for certain what will be.” She laid a hand on his chest and smiled. “But would you like to know what I feel?”

He nodded, apprehensive.

“I feel love and joy,” She said. “I hear laughter echoing within the walls of this dwelling. Your children will have fragments of their father residing in them, as all children do, but they will have the protection and favor of all who love them. And there will be many who love them. They are blessed by the Queen of the Fae herself, and my blessing is no paltry trinket.”

“Titania, I…” Elias said, unable to continue.

Oberon slid over to his wife and winked at her, a wide smile on his face. He then turned to Elias.

“Do not fret, thorn child,” He said. “However tainted your lineage may be, you are still one of us, and your bride is beloved by our kind. Your children, then, will be doubly revered by all fae. You have no cause to worry.”

“Thank you. That is… very comforting,” He replied, though his tone said to Chise that he was still rather troubled.

Chise endured another few minutes of Titania and Oberon’s doting before they decided to depart. She felt rather relieved when they left. They could be a lot to handle all at once.

That night, lying in bed with Elias, the question he had asked the Faerie Queen revolved over and over in her mind.

“Elias?” She asked softly, trying not to wake Ruth. “Are you still awake?”

She couldn’t see his pupils, but he did answer. “Yes.”

She lay her hand on the back of his neck and stroked it. “Are you really worried about how the children will turn out?”

Elias sighed. “It does not matter to me what they will look like,” He said somberly. “But it will matter to humans. Experience has taught me well that mankind does not adapt quickly to things that are strange or unusual.” He turned his head to look at her. “The fae will not care about their appearance, either, but they will see them as my children, spawn of the halfling failure. That alone may be enough to draw the ire of the fae against them, despite what Titania and Oberon said. Those two have never failed in their kindness to me, but it is borne out of pity, not respect, and the rest of the fae are not so magnanimous. Some are indifferent to me, but most, like the Spriggan, are openly hostile. I do not wish for my children to suffer because of who their father is.”

“Oh, Elias,” Chise said, holding him close. “I wish I could--Oh!” Chise sat up abruptly, pulling the covers down and placing both hands on her belly.

“What?” He asked in alarm, turning to sit up. “What is it? Are you alright?”

“I felt them.”

“You did?” He asked.

“Yes,” She said, moving her hands around gingerly. “I felt a thumping on the inside. I felt some flutters before, but I was never sure what they were. That was definitely a kick.”

“Are you sure?” He asked, looking at her abdomen.

In response, she took his hand and laid it down on her stomach, instructing him to wait. He did so, and it took nearly five minutes, but there was a distinct nudge against his hand.

Chise looked up and smiled at him, but his heart was in his throat. He couldn’t decide if he was excited or panicked. Talking about the baby, seeing her belly expand, making preparations: for some reason, none of that made it feel real. But this did. Feeling the tiny movements of the child on his own skin from the inside of her body was what made it reality to him.

“We should call on Shannon tomorrow,” Chise said. “I’m twenty weeks. It’s about time for a check-up.”

“Y-yes,” He said vaguely. “Of course.”

She took his face in her hands. “Are you all right?”

“I do not know,” He answered honestly. “I am… frightened.”

“I know,” She said. She laid her forehead on his.

They stayed that way for many minutes, their foreheads touching, his hand on her belly, feeling the little jumps and thumps of his children moving about inside. Frightened was not an adequate word for what he felt. He didn’t know if there was a word strong enough.

Time seemed to move very fast for a while, and then suddenly slowed to a snail’s pace. Before they knew it, it was winter. Chise had grown very large, and Shannon expected the babies to come a few days after the new year.

Chise kept to the house exclusively now, since moving was more difficult, not to mention that Elias was highly paranoid about her catching an illness in her condition. She spent much of the time nesting, which is an instinctual habit among mothers-to-be to make sure everything was in its proper place and perfect. Silver had taken care of most of that for her, but it didn’t stop Chise from folding and refolding all of the babies’ linens and making sure things were just so.

As the time for the birth came closer, the atmosphere of the house grew more and more anxious. Chise was rather sick of being pregnant and was ready to be able to stand without assistance and not eat what felt like half her body weight every day. Ruth was restless and impatient. He could feel the time getting closer just as acutely as Chise did.

If Chise was anxious and Ruth was restless, Elias was downright terrified. He spent a lot of time alone in his study, unable to control this emotion. He didn’t want to worry her more than she already was, but he couldn’t push away the awful feeling of dread.

He had slowly grown accustomed to the idea of the children, but not the possibility that they would take after him. The idea that they could be subjected to cruelty and discrimination for simply being his children made his blood run cold. How could he protect them against that kind of hatred? How could he shield them from the animosity of both humans and fae? He could weather it just fine; he was used to it, and some of it was deserved. He had once been a monster, after all. But they would be innocent and guileless. They didn’t deserve to be treated as he had been.

As much as he tried to hide his worry from Chise, he knew she felt it. He could see it on her face when she looked at him sometimes. It wasn’t pity that she showed him, but empathy. If anyone would understand, it would be her, but this was just one thing he couldn’t talk to her about. She always tried to soothe him and tell him things would be fine, but she had no way of knowing that for certain. Blind optimism just didn’t work for him.

Very late on the night before Christmas eve, a sharp yelp of pain woke Elias from sleep. It had been Ruth: he had bounced out of his bed and shot to Chise’s side, immediately switching to his human form. Chise was sitting curled around her stomach, gasping.

“Chise?” Elias asked.

“I think my water broke,” Chise gasped. “I’ve been having contractions, but they weren’t bad until now. We need Shannon.”

“Shannon! Silver!” Elias called.

A flash shot through the room. Elias turned on the lamp and found Shannon standing next to Chise, trying to pull her to her feet. The silky came through the door in an instant, a tub of hot water and many towels in her hands. It was almost as if she were waiting for the call.

Shannon had Chise sit on a wooden chair with a curved back, urging her to recline with her pelvis tilted out, putting a pillow behind her to support her back. Silver helped Chise out of her underwear and flipped the hem of her nightgown up over her stomach, exposing her entire lower half. Chise didn’t have the wherewithal to be embarrassed about her tender bits out for the entire room to see. The pain was pushing everything else out of her brain.

“Is it supposed to hurt this much?” Ruth gasped, his arms wrapped around his stomach.

“There are two living creatures the size of watermelons attempting to tear their way out of her body, Ruth. Yeah, it’s gonna hurt,” Shannon said dryly.

“Sorry, Ruth,” Chise said, breathing heavily. “I’m trying to block it.”

“Don’t worry about it,” Ruth said. “I don’t really care about me right now.”

“What can I do?” Elias asked anxiously.

“You and Ruth, get on either side. Both of you hold her hand with one of yours and then let her use your other hand to brace her feet on. She’s going to need the leverage when she starts pushing.”

Elias and Ruth, took their positions. Chise had already begun to sweat profusely and was breathing shallowly. Silver stood at her head, stroking her hair gently and ready with a cloth to wipe her brow.

“Deep breaths, Chise,” Shannon said, kneeling on the ground and pushing a gloved hand into Chise’s body to gauge her dilation. “Nine centimeters,” Shannon said, removing her hand. “Not quiet ready yet, but it’s going to be soon.”

Chise could only nod, attempting with little success to take deep breaths as she was instructed. Her head rolled to look at Elias with fear in her eyes.

“It’s too early,” She said in a terrified whisper. “I’m not due for another three weeks.”

“It’s all right,” Elias whispered, knowing he might be lying. “It will be all right.”

Chise had no choice but to wait until her body opened up enough to start pushing, and it took a few long, miserable hours of pain and sweating. By the time Shannon got into position, it was only an hour before dawn.

“Okay,” Shannon said. “Elias, Ruth, take one foot each and push it toward her chest, but not forcefully. Chise, take several deep breaths. When I say, take a very deep breath, hold it, and start pushing. When I count to ten, you can let go and breath again. Understand?”

Chise nodded, already very tired from the waves of pain she had been suffering over the past few hours. She steeled herself and began to take slow, deep breaths.

“Ready? Okay, deep, deep breath and push!”

Chise pulled in as much air as her lungs could take and held it, bracing her legs against Ruth and Elias’s grip, and pushed with all her might, her face pulled back in a grimace of pain and exertion.

“One. Two. Three. Four. Five. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine. Ten, and breathe,” Shannon instructed. Chise blew out her breath explosively and gulped in air.

“Okay, again. Deep breath, and push!”

It went on like this for quite a time. They only paused the pushing for Chise to drink water and for Silver to wipe the sweat from her face and neck. Elias talked in Chise’s ear during these brief moments of rest, telling her that she was strong and that he had faith in her. She seemed so tired, but she smiled at him and dotted a kiss on his nose in reply.

Finally, as the first rays of sunlight shone through the window, Shannon pulled a small, reddish-purple infant from Chise’s body. It shrieked as it took it’s first breaths of life, it’s color changing as it took in oxygen. Shannon placed the sticky ball of outrage on Chise’s chest for a moment, allowing the new mother to inspect the little creature for herself while Shannon detached the umbilical cord.

“It’s a baby girl,” Shannon said, smiling.

Chise let go of Ruth and Elias and wrapped her fingers around the tiny thing as it screamed it’s fury at them all. Chise was crying, too, but not in anger. Her face, red and sweaty though it was, lit with joy as she held her newborn daughter.

Suddenly, she seized up with a sudden contraction and hissed with pain. The baby was whisked out of her arms by Silver, who took it to a nearby dressing table to clean it.

“We’re halfway there,” Shannon said. “Let’s get ready. On the next contraction, we start the pushing again.”

Chise nodded, letting Ruth and Elias take hold of her feet and push them back.

Once the first baby was out, the second wasn’t far behind. It wailed more loudly than it’s twin, thrashing about angrily on Chise’s chest, though Chise clearly didn’t seem to mind.

“It’s another little girl,” Shannon said with a grin.

Tears poured from Chise’s eyes as she held her daughter, gasping from the effort of pushing. The touch of her mother’s hands had calmed the baby and she was no longer writhing spastically, but wiggling and making little grunting sounds, lying on her belly in Chise’s grasp.

After a moment, this child, too, was taken away for cleaning. Then there was more work to be done. The afterbirth had to be removed from Chise’s body, which caused a small fountain of blood to escape. Elias and Ruth panicked, but Shannon said this could happen sometimes and it wasn’t serious as long as it was contained quickly. She gave Chise a tea that would help stop the bleeding and once she had finished it, Silver lifted Chise as if she weighed nothing and took her to the bathroom for a proper cleaning. Shannon followed, leaving Ruth and Elias alone with the newborns, lying side by side and safely bundled up in the crib near Chise’s side of the bed.

While she was gone, Ruth went to inspect the babies up close. “Elias,” He called to the mage, who was still sitting in a daze. “Come and see.”

Elias stood with his heart pounding in his chest and walked to stand by Ruth, looking down at his brand new daughters with a lump in his throat. Now that they were cleaned, he could see them better. They were still wiggly and wrinkly, but there were distinct differences between the twins. One had a full head of white-blonde hair and a peachy-pink complexion, while the other had fine red fuzz on her head and was as pale as bleached bone.

“I remember the day that Isabelle was born,” Ruth said solemnly, lost in his memory. “I had only been with the family for a few months and I didn’t quite understand what was happening at the time. I didn’t know what a baby was. She was so tiny and weird-looking, but I loved her right away. We were together all the time after that. I existed for her; I’d have done anything for her.”

He stared down at the two sleeping infants, his eyes dark with recollection. “I took it for granted, thinking she’d always be there. I didn’t see the dangers until it was too late. I should have done more to protect her. If I had been a better brother, she might have lived a long, happy life. I didn’t do enough, and she died.” He reached out but stopped just short of touching the one with red hair. “For them, I’ll do better. I’ll be better. I promise.”

Elias did not respond. He stared down at his sleeping girls rather blankly.

Yes, He thought to himself. I, too, must be better.

Silver and Shannon returned with Chise, clean, wearing a fresh nightgown, and remarkably able to walk unassisted. Elias helped ease her back into the freshly changed bed, then Shannon handed Chise the white-haired baby girl. Shannon insisted that Chise try to breastfeed the baby, as it would help promote clotting. Silver went to work cleaning the gory aftermath off of the floor. Ruth, as a grim, sniffed each child keenly with his tail wagging.

It took a few tries and some urging to get the baby to latch to her breast; apparently babies weren’t born knowing how to do this and had to be taught, but once she found her way, she seemed to be content and fell asleep while feeding, her tiny arm resting on Chise’s skin. Elias watched curiously.

“You probably won’t be able to produce enough milk to fill both babies at the same time, so you might want to supplement with formula. You may even decide to go formula exclusively, which is fine. As long as they get the enzymes from your breastmilk at the start, it’ll be a big boost to their immune systems.”

Chise nodded without looking up, absorbed in the tiny little girl at her breast with it’s little fist around Chise’s finger. She seemed to finish quickly, and Chise lifted the baby for Elias to hold.

“Chise…” He said nervously. “I don’t… I can’t… I don’t think…”

“It’s okay, Elias,” Chise said with a smile. “You’re going to have to hold them at some point. Might as well be now.”

“Just remember to support the head,” Shannon said. “The neck muscles are underdeveloped.”

“Here,” She sat up and, holding the baby in one arm, used her hand to make a cradle of his. “Like this.”

Exercising more care than he ever had in his entire existence, he took the tiny bundle into his arms, cradling it gently. He could feel the warmth of it’s little body through the blankets, as though he were holding a glowing coal. He lifted her up so he could inspect her more closely. As he did so, she opened her eyes for the first time and looked up at him. Her eyes were the color of evergreens, like her mother. But unlike her, the pupils were not round but slits, like that of a wild creature. The eyes of a fae. The eyes of a mage.

“Chise, look,” Elias said, bending to show her. Chise, who had taken the red-haired babe and was feeding her from the other breast, peered at the child Elias held and smiled. Her smile faded and her eyes narrowed curiously.

“What is it?” Elias asked.

“Look at her head, a little bit above the hairline. There’s a bump. No, there’s two, one on either side. Do you see them?”

Elias brought the baby close to his face, examining her closely. There was, indeed, some sort of bump there. Carefully readjusting his grip, he felt the bumps with his finger. They felt like… bone? No, not bone…

“Horns,” Elias said softly. “She has horns.”

Chise laughed softly, her eyes warm with affection. “You certainly can’t deny she’s yours, can you?”

He looked down at her, a new warmth spreading though his chest. “No…” He said. “I cannot.”

“Have you decided on names?” Shannon asked, sitting on the other side, monitoring the mother and her little ones closely.

Elias was taken aback. It wasn’t something he had even thought about. He’d been so preoccupied with his doubts and fears that he hadn’t room to think of anything else.

“It is Christmas Eve,” Chise said, looking out of the snow covered windows. She looked at the little redhead, sleeping peacefully in her arms. “Her hair reminds me of holly berries, so why don’t we call her Holly?” She smiled and gazed at the white-haired child Elias clutched to him. “And with her green eyes, she should be named Ivy.”

Elias sat down on the edge of the bed next to her, bending to nuzzle her head.

“Yes,” He said fondly. “It’s perfect.”

After both parents had a turn holding both of their infant girls, they gave Silver and Ruth a chance. Ruth was anxious and attentive, fearful of being clumsy or accidentally jostling his new nieces and upsetting them, but Silver seemed overjoyed to hold the tiny babes, smiling brightly and giggling at their noises. A better nanny than Silver Lady could not be found anywhere, either in the mortal realm or the kingdom of the fae. Chise had a feeling she was going to be relying heavily on her for the next few months.

While holding Holly, Silver made a small noise of surprise.

“Silver?” Chise said. “What is it?”

Silver brought the baby to the bed and knelt down between Elias and Chise, where the parents could see the newborn’s eyes. The irises were solid black and didn’t reflect light, instead seeming to consume it. The pupils, however, were red. Not the bright holly red of her hair, but a dark crimson red, like blood on snow, and they too were mere slits.

“Oh,” Chise breathed. “Look at that. Aren’t they beautiful?”

Elias, seeing the trace his own eyes looking back at him from his daughter’s face, was at a loss for words.

His children were mostly human, it seemed, but they retained a piece of him, a fragment of his fae blood, just as Titania said. Before, this thought made him worry about their future, but seeing them now, he felt… what was this? It was a good feeling, but it carried weight with it. Pride? Was that it? Did he feel proud? Perhaps so.

After a while, Shannon insists that everyone leave the room to the new parents and their children, and Elias settled himself in a chair beside the bed, with Chise on his left side and the crib on the right. All three of his girls were sleeping peacefully. Ivy seemed content in being wrapped up in her swaddling, but Holly had kicked her way out of the blankets so that she could move freely.

He watched them sleep with mixed emotions, laying his hands on the stomachs of the babes, comforted by their warmth. As if waiting for this, they both reached out and gripped his fingers in their fists and held on with a surprisingly strong grip.

The world could have been falling down around them, but as long as they were safe and happy, it wouldn’t have bothered him. He found he didn’t care all that much at the moment about the concerns that had plagued him before the birth, though he knew they would come back eventually. He felt warm and calm, with none of the anxiety that had been gnawing at his mind for months. Was this feeling happiness? Peace?

He could identify at least one emotion well enough: love. It was different than what he felt for Chise, but no less consuming. Chains of gold and silver had wrapped themselves around his heart. They sprung from the touch of his tiny daughters’ small hands on his own, an unbreakable link that bound him to his newly-born flesh and blood. Instinct drove this behavior, and it was obvious what it meant. They had laid claim to him.

They do not belong to me, he realized. I belong to them. How fascinating.

He had lived for centuries never having tethered himself to any other being. Back then, loneliness and being alone were mutually exclusive concepts. He’d had friendships and acquaintances but felt no obligation to any of them beyond an occasional favor or trade. At the time, he had thought himself content.

When he had acquired Chise on a whim out of mere curiosity, he had not anticipated how his life would change. The connection that developed between them, as slow as it was to manifest openly, was unlike anything he’d felt before. It brought with it many good feelings, as well as many unpleasant ones. Chise’s love was easy enough to earn, but he soon discovered that while love could be unconditional, trust was not. He hadn’t known there was a difference between those emotions until he had betrayed them.

For a while after, their bond was fragile and could snap with any slight pressure he applied to it. It had taken much time and effort on his part to repair the damage he had done, and he had sworn never to do anything that could sever that link again.

But the bond he felt to these two new lives was instantaneous and indestructible, something over which he had no control. He was, for lack of a better term, spellbound.

“I don’t understand.”

Elias jumped slightly at Chise’s soft whisper. He looked over to see that she was awake and staring are her children.

“What is it you do not understand, Little Bird?” Elias replied quietly.

“I thought,” She said. “I thought when they were born, it would make more sense, but it doesn’t. I thought it would help me understand why they did it.”

“Your parents,” He said. It wasn’t a question.

“I thought that once I was a parent myself, I could see it from their perspective, and I’d understand. But I don’t. I would never, ever leave them. I could never hurt them. Never.” She looked at Elias and took his hand. “What they did still makes no sense to me. I guess you were right, Elias. I am different.”

“Yes,” He said, holding her hand to his cheek. “Do not be sad, Chise. That is a wonderful thing.”

She smiled, and her gaze returned to the infants. “You’re right. It is.”

During the first two months, which Chise and Elias used to get accustomed to the new routine of parenthood, the twins developed personalities that were as different as their appearance. Holly was an independent little thing and didn’t like to be swaddled or held for too long, while Ivy loved to be cuddled and preferred to be held by Elias over anyone else. He was more than happy to hold her at all times and soon became deft at doing things one-handed.

After this necessary adjustment time, they decided to have a small gathering of friends over to properly introduce their children. They had invited Stella, the Barley family, Alice, a few friends from the college including the brooding Adolf and enthusiastic Tori, and even Renfred. Over the years, Elias and Renfred had forged a tense acquaintanceship. Chise encouraged them to be better friends, but in the end, she figured anything was better than open hostility.

They had invited Lindel, too, but he didn’t want to leave the aerie again. He insisted they bring them to him instead, which they promised to do when the children were a few months older.

“Aren’t they darling?” Angelica said, looking at Holly sleeping in sixteen-year-old Althea’s arms.

“They really are,” Stella said, now nineteen, as she tickling Ivy’s feet while David held her. The baby cooed at Stella as she did so.

“Ya did good, Chise,” Alice said. “You cooked up some real nice babies in there.” She poked Chise’s stomach, which was now much smaller and thankfully no longer sore.

“That’s a weird phrase, Alice, thank you,” Chise said.

Renfred had been mostly quiet during the gathering. Alice had told Chise that babies make him nervous; he liked kids better when they were old enough to follow orders.

Elias was similarly uncomfortable with so many people in his house at once, and eventually, it drove him outside to the garden. Cold though it was, he sat at the garden table with his tea and sighed.

“Are they not lovely?” A voice said to him from his right. He turned to see a small, child-like figure standing there nearby. She wore a simple white gown made of thin silk and a crown of baby’s breath around her head. A circle of snow underneath her feet had melted away and flowers had sprung up all around her. Her hair was black, her skin like petals, her eyes like the wings of a dragonfly.

“Titania,” Elias said, standing. “You’ve come alone.”

“I have, though I shan’t be long,” She said, her voice belying her youthful appearance. “I bring with me gifts for your little ones.”

“Gifts?”

“Yes. The heartache you expressed when last we met has stayed with me. I felt compelled to do something to set your mind at ease.” She opened her hands, and lying in each palm was a ring carved of dark wood, one on a gold string, the other on a silver one. “I told you your offspring held my favor, did I not?” She asked. “That was not a lie. You need not worry for their safety from our kind. These will tell all fae creatures that your babes are my godchildren and therefore under my protection.”

Elias did not recall agreeing to such an arrangement, but accepted the rings with a bow.

“Thank you, my Lady,” He said. “This is most generous.”

“You must bring them to visit us, Thorn,” Titania said. “It’s been so long since there were children in the Faerie Kingdom. Oberon is dying to meet the new magelings.”

Elias nodded without speaking, not committing to this. He wondered if her favor extended to not trapping them in the faerie realm.

“Be well, Elias. Take care of our sweet robin and those beautiful children. Dwell no longer on the darkness in your past and look instead to your future. Your legacy now resides in those new souls that you created, and not the mistakes you have made. You have been given a divine gift. Do not take it for granted.”

“I assure you, Lady,” He said seriously. “I have no intention of doing so.”

She smiled at him, and the body she inhabited burst apart into flowers and floated away like the seeds of a dandelion, carried away on a sudden wind that smelled strangely of spring grass.

Elias lifted his gaze to watch the petals drift away, putting the charms in his pocket.

Once everyone had gone home and the house was quiet again, Elias picked up a wailing Ivy, who quieted immediately, and sat with Ruth and Chise as Silver laid out their dinner. Chise fed Holly with one arm and fed herself with the other. Once Holly finished, Chise passed her to Ruth to be burped and held out her arms for Ivy, who Elias passed carefully over the dinner table. Silver waited at Ruth’s elbow with a spit-up cloth. They all seemed to be easing into this new normal well.

Elias and Chise took the children to their room and laid them down for sleep, with Ruth curled up on the floor between them. He was better than a baby monitor. Ruth was taking his oath to Elias to protect the children very seriously and was just as involved in their care as every other person in the house. It seemed there was no shortage of babysitters to be found for the new parents, and Chise found that comforting. The nightmare she’d once had of being overwhelmed with caring for two children at once with limited help faded from her mind.

With the children abed for a least a couple of hours, Elias and Chise took this time to spend with each other, something they hadn’t had much opportunity to do since the birth. They sat together on the couch of the sitting room, Chise in Elias’s lap and wrapped up warmly in his arms. She was so tired, she could have fallen asleep if she let herself.

“I’m sorry the party got too claustrophobic for you,” Chise said, twining and untwining her fingers with his.

“It’s all right,” Elias said. “I am actually glad for it. I’d much prefer that the girls were introduced to all our friends at once rather than make many trips to achieve the same result.” Reaching into his waistcoat’s pocket, he pulled out the ring pendants he had gotten. “Besides, while outside, Titania left a give with me.”

Chise took the trinkets and looked at them curiously. “That was nice of her. What are they for?”

“Protection, she said. It’ll ward off any of her kind that would do them mischief.”

Chise smiled. “She’s very thoughtful for a fae.”

“Yes,” Elias agreed. “I wonder if she will extend the same blessing to any additional children we may have.”

Chise swung and looked up in surprise. “You want more children?”

“It's not outside the realm of possibility. We can talk about it later,” Elias replied.

“You're serious. You really want another baby?”

“I merely said we’d talk about it.”

“That’s not a no.”

Elias laughed.

“Give me a year, at least,” Chise said in exasperation. “My body isn’t ready for another one so soon.”

“If you wish,” He said, hugging her tightly.

They sat happily in each other’s arms for the next hour, taking a well deserved rest, until one of the babies began to cry. Elias released her and followed her up the stairs to the childrens' room, where he consoled Holly as Ivy fed. When Ivy was done, they switched. After feeding, the infants resumed sleeping. Before they left, Elias affixed the charms to the wall above their bassinets, the silver one over Ivy, and the gold protecting Holly. The parents, exhausted, climbed into their own bed and fell asleep at once.

Every day brought something new, and Elias was learning so much so quickly. His entire universe had shifted, and thought it had taken time to get used to it, he greeted each wonderful development as they happened with an open heart. He awoke eagerly every morning in his new life, looking forward to what might be.

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Thanks for reading!

My Masterlist

The Exophilia Creator’s Masterlist

[legion1993]

This choice affects not just your present, but your future as well.

A/N: I’m back and doing another piece this time for a different challenge brought to us by @winchesterprincessbride for the #Princessbridechallenge. It is by great pleasure to bring you a story that will make all your feels float to the surface. And now I present this piece. side note: sorry this is extremely late i appoligize i only just ifnished it.. UGH stupid writers block... @winchesterenthusiast here is the fic that gave me the crappiest set of writers block.

Prompt: “Your true love lives.  And you marry another.”

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Plot: what happens when the love of your life dies and you were told to live your life to the fullest it could be. You hadn’t even been married but you had been engaged. Now it has been almost 1 year to the day he died tragically and you are about to marry another. The wedding day had arrived after a week and your ceremony gets interrupted when a woman busts through the door and tells you your love lives. Will you go to him or will you stay and marry a guy who seems like a total stranger?

masterlist

It had seemed like only yesterday, you were hunting with the Winchester brothers, Sam & Dean. Over the course of your time with the Winchesters you and Dean grew ever closer. You grew fond of eachother, but nothing lasts forever for within an instant of a passionate moment between you 2 your happiness was shattered not in a bad way by a mark appearing on your arm.

Dean: “this is the sign…”

Y/N: “so this is what true love feels like…”

Dean: “sweetheart it only gets better from here.”

Y/N: “well lets do what we feel is right then…”

Dean took you to the nearest hotel and got you guys a room and you guys had a steady night of making sweet passionate love on both the beds in the room, on the desk, table, couch, in the bathroom on the floor in the shower…

It was about 2 years later when you and the boys were hunting Lilith... now you guys had run into a con bitch named Bella Talbot, now in your mind she was a evil manipulative bitch who kept and took everything and anything she wanted…

Sam (Dean’s brother) kept wanting to kill Lilith on his own but when he almost died during a really bad battle Dean went and sold his soul to have his brother brought back…

Now you fought as hard as you could against an army of demons to try and save the one you loved… your other half but you weren’t expecting this to be the day you watch the love of your life die…

Dean: “Sammy that’s not ruby…”

Sam: “Dean what are you talking about how do you know that’s actually Y/N…”

Y/N: “ok boys enough im me but ruby is that you…”

Ruby giggled and pulled you close to her away from Dean… she cackled…

Ruby(Lilith): “very perceptive dean no im not ruby and now as I hold your little cupcake hostage she can watch you get torn apart by my pets…”

The clock chimed as she flashed her white eyes and you struggled against her hold…

Y/N: “dean its ok its ok hold on ok hold on do it for me…”

You caught his eye as he did yours as best he could while Lilith used her power to hold him against the desk…

Dean: “Y/N… I know I never asked you this before and I should have but will you marry me???”

You smiled feeling the tears sting your cheeks…

Y/N: “yes….”

Then everyone heard growling… Ruby(Lilith) took you to stand by the door…

Ruby(Lilith): “sick him boys…”

Dean: “look away Y/N look away…”

Ruby(Lilith) opened the door and hellhounds came barging in snarling and you were forced to watch the love of your life get torn apart… he lay there still and dead… once Lilith smoked out of ruby with a giggle ruby’s body fell to the ground and you went to dean’s torn apart body and held him in your arms.

You let out a scream that shattered the windows and cracked the ground… you left then you left at that moment… taking the jacket he was wearing and the engagement ring in his pocket… you went to the impala and left… not caring about Sam or anyone else… you left… you were a wreck… it would be years before anyone else would mention the name Dean Winchester…

Almost 1 year later you were getting ready to marry another man…

You had gone back to where you had been set to marry someone else before meeting the Winchesters and you said yes to marrying him but kept Dean’s ring and the impala just to keep his memory alive… you were in the church finalizing the décor and everything for the ceremony which was only 4 days away…

You were now sitting in your small town apartment when your cell rang the same one you kept in case of emergency or anything happened to Sam… you took the call knowing no one else was around…

Y/N: “hello…”

Ellen: “Y/n honey its Ellen…”

Y/N: “I haven’t heard much on the hunting radar nor from Sam or Bobby please tell me this isn’t the death call…”

Ellen: “nope they are fine as far as I know but neither of them have said too much since you took off in the impala and dean’s burial…”

Y/N: “what can I do for you Ellen?”

Ellen: “I have a poltergeist in your area… think you can handle it…”

Y/N: “as long as I don’t have to go too far im getting married in 4 days ellen…”

Ellen: “so you have given up hope of him coming back haven’t you…”

Y/N: “as I said last time I got a email from Jo… I am doing what he would want me to do… he would have wanted me to go back home and marry the guy my parents had wanted me to marry originally… although if we are being honest this one is not the sharpest tool in the shed… but im also not gonna stop hunting actually it’s a good thing you called anything that shows up in my vicinity send my way ill take care of it…”

Ellen: “just becarefull hun im sending through the poltergeist details, just come by and visit soon…”

Y/N: “I will when I can…”

Ellen: “love you sweetie…”

y/N: “love you too ellen..”

you hung up the phone and placed it back in your handbag as you started doing up the second batch of reception favors… but it seemed to take you longer this time round than it did before… a while later your email dinged with an email from Ellen on the poltergeist details… you started to read through them but that’s of course when your door handle jiggled… you knew Jason was about to walk in the door… you minimized your private email and you closed your personal private computer and went back to reception favors…

Jason: “babe im home…”

Y/N: “im in the living room…”

Jason comes in and looks at you…

Jason: “babe have you been doing this all day?”

You nodded sheepishly as he came up and kissed your forehead…

Jason: “I know they need to get done but didn’t my sister offer to do this for us?”

Y/N: “ya but doing this helps me think besides I don’t want to be thinkin too much during the ceremony…”

Jason: “you thinking about your past babe?”

You nodded as he hugged you, you knew he cared but not as much as dean…

Jason: “look babe I don’t know much about what happened to you, or what you were doing or who Dean is but I know that any guy who was lucky enough to spend those few years with you is certainly a lucky guy.”

That moment you took a breath thinking once more about how he looked before he died. You turned around and thought you heard something but you shook your head and dismissed the feeling knowing that you had to focus on that poltergeist before the wedding…

Y/N: “so babe tomorrow I pick up my dress and get the final touches and bring it home and hide it from your eyes… I will also make sure that nothing is gonna go wrong for us and I am gonna reach out to someone tomorrow I need to mend something from my past…”

Jason just looked at you he smiled and always wanted your best interests and to be a supportive person for you, this passed year he had been but right now you weren’t wanting to leave anything to chance…

Jason: “do what you have too babe I will be here for you whatever happens… now lets not think anymore about this lets just finish doing these favors have dinner and watch a movie tonight in bed like we said we would…”

Y/N: “start on dinner then love and ill finish these up… but as well as that I had a email come in from a friend of mine well more like an aunt or a over protective adoptive mom… she was just checking up on me as a curtesy to Dean’s brother… after dean died I kinda took off in a blinded rage and ended up back here and I had no idea why I had no feelings whatsoever and I was distraught…”

Jason: “how does some noodle soup sound?”

You nodded your head slowly as Jason leaned in and kissed you softly… you let him before pulling away at the feeling of your phone vibrating… you broke the kiss to smile…

Y/N: “babe im gonna go into my office and take this call work on dinner and ill see you in a bit… this is a matter possibly concerning Dean’s brother… give me time please…”

Jason nodded and smiled kissing your forehead….

Jason: “of course babe take all the time you need and don’t worry about rushing me the movie and these reception favors will still be here when you get back…”

You walked away with the phone and your laptop as you finally looked at the call display and answered it you knew he was persistant and you knew he wouldn’t give up till he spoke to you directly…

Y/N: “hello…”

Bobby: “Y/N what the hell is wrong with you?”

Y/N: “what the hell do you mean bobby?”

Bobby: “im referring to the fact that you took off after dean died, you took the impala, you abandoned Sam, you weren’t at the funeral, you went off the grid and now I hear from Ellen that your getting married… what do you have to say to explain this…”

Y/N: “bobby I shattered the windows in the house with my screams bobby how the hell was I supposed to explain that one and all where my fiancé was murdered, yes I took the impala I had no choice I didn’t want to part from the memories within it from me and dean… of course I didn’t come to the funeral I couldn’t face sam not after what happened not after abandoning him not after what I must have put him through…”

Bobby: “Y/N honey I get that but you could have called you could have checked in Sam is worried and ive been worried enough for the both of us… but there have been biblical signs all over the USA.. and I have sent you some back up on that poltergeist… rather Sam wanted to get rid of that poltergeist…”

Y/N: “bobby you should have kept him away im no good to anyone bobby… especially not sam”

Bobby: “Y/N that is enough you shouldn’t put yourself down like that… look Dean would want you to hold on to the connections with me, Sam, Ellen, Jo… he wouldn’t want you to keep putting yourself down like that… tell you what ill come down for the wedding…”

Y/N: “actually bobby would you do something better, would you walk me down the aisle?”

Bobby: “are you sure kiddo?”

Y/N: “its about time I own up and face my past and that means reuniting with you and Sam…”

Bobby: “ill see you tomorrow night or early the next day Y/N don’t worry girl it will all make sense…”

Y/N: “thanks bobby and if you can bring some lore books so I have them to reference… and umm have you heard from Sam?”

Bobby: “not for a few weeks now… the last time I heard from him was by text saying that he would help with the poltergeist… he knows you are gonna be on it too but that only made him move faster for it…”

Y/N: “so basically he wants to either scream at me, kill me, or all of the above…”

Bobby: “I don’t know but he hasn’t been himself he isn’t seeing straight he believes there is some way to bring him back but he wont listen to reason…”

Y/N: “do you really think he would listen to me?”

Bobby: “whatever happens know that Dean would want your happiness above all else… Sam is stubborn don’t worry honey ive got a big hug with your name on it kiddo, get some rest and look over what ellen sent you ill bring those lore books and such for you… and if anything happens at the wedding ill help…”

Y/N: “thanks bobby ill see you soon…”

Bobby: “see you soon kiddo…”

You hung up the phone and stared at Sam’s contact information debating on whether or not to call it… you pressed the call button and heard it dialing out you were gonna set this straight even if it was the last thing you were gonna do… it was then that you heard it connect…

Sam: “hello…”

Y/N: “Sam…”

Sam: “Y/N… why are you calling so late?”

Y/N: “cause I spoke to bobby who told me your coming to help with the poltergeist… I figured it was time that we speak anyway…”

Sam: “why don’t you swing by the hotel room tomorrow and we can go together and it can be like old times…”

Y/N: “so your not mad at me?”

Sam: “Y/N your like my sister why would I be mad at you?”

Y/N: “cause I left you in that house with dean’s body and cause I basically stole the impala and I went off the grid and and and…”

By this point you were crying you were astranged you didn’t know in what way he would react…

Sam: “im not mad at you for any of that it wasn’t your fault that he died, there wasn’t anything you could have done to prevent it… come by the hotel room tomorrow and we can solve this and ellen talked to me as well told me to stay in town and attend your wedding so if you will permit me to…”

Y/N: “of course Sam of course plus bobby is arriving in town either tomorrow night or early the next day and he is gonna walk me down the aisle…”

Sam: “we can celebrate the Winchester family way, sitting and chilling with beer and training…”

Sam started laughing and for the first time in a while you laughed you felt normal…

Y/N: “ya sounds like so much fun sounds more fun than spending the night by myself in a hotel room…”

Sam started laughing and you joined in feeling alot happier knowing that you had your friend back…

Sam: “don't worry Y/N I have a big hug waiting for you… your so much like my sister and I miss my partner in crime…”

Y/N: “i miss you too… I'll come by after I pick up my dress in the morning…”

Sam: “sounds good get some rest girl you sound exhausted…”

Y/N: “you too moose night”

Sam: “night Y/N”

The line disconnected and you felt normal again, like nothing has changed like you had never left… that was when you noticed that you had somewhere along the lines started crying… you wiped your eyes and went out of the office with the Phone and laptop to the delightful smell of soup…

Jason: “sit on the couch babe I'll bring you your soup… how much would you like?”

Y/N: “not alot right now babe I'm not that hungry…”

It's true you weren't that hungry you had a huge secret weighing heavily on you and you still had to tell Jason about it… while eating he kept glancing at you and how you were sitting to eat your soup… once done your soup you waited for him to finish his before making sure you had all of his attention…

Y/N: “babe you once asked me about my time with Dean well that is a very long story and I'll try to be as brief as I can but something's you may or may not believe but I'm gonna tell you anyway cause it's the right thing to do… Sam & Dean Winchester born to John & Mary Winchester are all in a long lineage of hunters… not the kind that hunt animals but the kind that hunt witches, vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, demons, poltergeists, ghouls, ghosts, hellhounds etc… the only reason why I'm coming out with the truth now is because our wedding is only a few days away and I didn't want this to be the secret that drives our marriage into the dirt… the impala is deans the beige journal is deans the ring I wear the tungsten band is deans the plaid shirts in my closet are deans I have a arsenal of weapons that I keep hidden… I know how to shoot a gun and have a license to legally do so… I know how to fight… I know how to check and make sure someone is human… and I know that you probably think I'm insane and will most likely cancel the wedding after hearing this and you probably don't believe me but also the man whose walking me down the aisle is named bobby singer he is like a uncle to me… sam is my bridal party cause no one else would do it… and what else oh ya did I mention that Dean was mailed to death by a hellhound and died in my god damn arms and I screamed shattering all the windows in that house…”

You took in a sharp breath trying to calm down realizing you were yelling abd crying at the same time… you took a look at Jason who just stared at you…

Jason: “did you think that would make me love you any less… I have 1 question… does that mean you’re a hunter too?”

You nodded and sighed sinking your head down low…

Y/N: “I feel like a failure I'm no hunter I'm just the one who watched helplessly as her fiancé was torn to shreds… but now that I've told you all this I think it's also necessary to mention that I am gonna be helping Sam tomorrow in taking down a poltergeist… after I pick up my dress and Bobby will be arriving either tomorrow evening or early the next day and they both would like to meet you so they are coming for lunch the day before the wedding and then they will be throwing me a traditional hunters bachelorette… they will also make sure I get to the church on time for the ceremony I promise…”

Jason planted a kiss to your forehead before making you look at him….

Jason: “don’t worry babe its all good as I keep saying you do what you need to do… tonight we are going to finish these favors and watch a movie and sleep out here tonight…”

Jason immediately picked up one of the favors and started trying to imitate what you had done with the previous ones… you couldn’t help but laugh as you did yours in a perfect fashion… after about an hour you were finishing the last one… to which Jason responded with handing you your satin robe and your sating night dress…

Jason: “babe go get dressed into these and ill throw on the movie but it’s a surprise…”

He smiled at you with that same loving smile that he had charmed you with many many times… you went into the bathroom and put it on but taking a moment to trace your hunting scars… you remembered every single one… you shivered as the satin came in contact with your skin. You walked back to the living room and found he had set up the hid-a-bed you decided to demonstrate something to him so you backed up a bit took a running start and did a double back flip onto the bed landing right beside him…

Jason: “woah babe that was amazing…”

Y/N: “thank you now what is our viewing pleasure tonight…”

Jason: “we are watching poltergeist… the new one not the old one… and don’t worry I know if anything does happen you know how to solve it most likely…”

You couldn’t help but laugh cause it was true… Jason hit play and you huddled together staring at the screen… you didn’t jump once cause you knew the real thing was worse a lot worse… and that’s when you heard it a knock at the door… you told Jason to stay there and that you would check it out… you turned off all the lights and did up your housecoat… you took a peak through the eye hole and didn’t see much except a neck… you opened the door and looked up…

Sam: “well kiddo looks like we get to hunt this poltergeist old school…”

You punched his arm lightly…

Y/N: “you scared me… first Jason puts on poltergeist and then you show up…”

He smiled and you heard Jason pause the movie as if this was more interesting… you jumped back a slight bit as Sam dropped his bag on the ground and you smiled… you then watched as he charged you, you slid right bneath him, he came right at you throwing a few punches, you heard him grunting and that’s when things turned around was when the room got cold it made both you and Sam stop in your tracks…

Y/N: “Jason don’t fucking move from your spot…”

Jason: “babe what the hell is going on???”

Sam: “do as she says dude there is a poltergeist in this house… it caught drift of my scent as I entered the property of its original home… this one is dangerous… this poltergeist is extremely hostile… you need to stay where you are dude and let us handle this…”

Sam hands you a iron crowbar and you smile feeling normal once more and royally pissed off that Sam led the poltergeist to your place… you had been looking forward to killing it and now you had your chance…

Y/N: “make a salt circle around Jason Sam ill have a look around… no god damn poltergeist waltzes into my house and disrupts my evening and gets away with it…”

You walked away from them with your crowbar and searched all the rooms, that’s when you saw it, the words on the wall… you screamed, you then swang your crowbar and knocked the wind out of that dumb poltergeist… you snapped a photo of the wall with your phone and ran back to Sam and Jason.

Y/N: “Sam we got a huge problem… it wrote something on the wall of the bedroom…”

You showed it to Sam and Jason but Sam was the only one who reacted similar to you except he pulled you into his embrace and whispered in your ear…

Sam: “send it to me and ill try and decode it if its what I think it is then we have a few things to do…”

You nodded and then wiped your eyes as Jason looked at your expression and sighed…

Jason: “would one of you explain to me what is going on please?”

Sam: “basically this poltergeist is a messenger and it left a message then charged at Y/N before it left… whatever this message is its meant for Y/N so if you permit me to set up shop somewhere I would like to decode this for you…”

Y/N: “Sam you can set up shop either in the dining room or in my office your pick…”

Sam: “your office have a fouton?”

You nod your head and you usher for him to follow which he does bringing his bag and he looks at the area as he enters behind you…

Y/N: “the printer is wireless and I have notes and everything set up in here so you can do what you have to just decode it please Sam…”

Sam: “I will do my best and its probably a good idea to pick a different movie…”

Y/N: “bingo…”

You smile looking at him and you sigh…

Sam: “you think it was from him don’t you?”

Y/N: “im not sure what to think right now… but im gonna go back out there and ill keep the crowbar near me once you have it decoded text me he usually falls asleep quickly… so once he falls asleep I can come and see you and maybe we can chat…”

Sam hugs you and you let him because it finally felt normal…

Sam: “I would very much like that… got any food though ill probably eat in about an hour and a bit… or just bring me a small something when he falls asleep… y then forsure I should have something and I should also be hungry…”

You nod and smile looking at him, he releases you from his hold as you exit the room… you make your way back to Jason…

Jason: “so he is staying in the office tonight?”

Y/N: “ya but he is going to make sure to send me what he decodes and if you fall asleep it will be fine I might go and help with the research… and bring him some blankets and pillow and possibly food and a beer… but he did suggest we don’t watch poltergeist right now… we should watch something else… we can watch something or…”

Jason: “honey to be truthful I would just be happy watching whatever you put on… I honestly could fall asleep right now…”

Y/N: “im so sorry if what happened earlier messed up our night…”

Jason: “its ok babe it wasn’t yours or Sam’s faults don’t worry ill still love you even if you do crazy stuff like this and even if you keep hunting I wont judge you at all…”

Y/N: “one thing you have to understand babe is hunting is no funny business its hard and sometimes we loose the people we really care about… or you loose yourself amidst the darkness…”

Jason was facing you yes but when you turned to look at him you hadn’t realized how long it had taken you to say your reply cause he fell asleep… you knew he had been tired, you knew that whatever happened this was soon to be your life… no joy no excitement and none of the best sex you had ever had… you got up and grabbed your robe putting it on as you went to the kitchen grabbing 2 beers 2 bowls of soup and headed towards the office…

Y/N: “Sam can you open the door he fell asleep and my hands are full…”

You heard Sam’s footsteps towards the door in seconds it was opened and he looked at you like you were crazy…

Sam: “what can I take…”

Y/N: “1 beer and 1 bowl of soup…”

He took his soup and beer as you entered the room he gave you a seat and dug right into the soup…

Sam: “this is very good let me guess he made it…”

You nodded…

Y/N: “I haven’t had the cooking passion since…”

Sam: “say no more I understand how you feel… I don’t hunt with many people anymore its mostly just been me…”

Y/N: “Sam im so sorry for everything its just after dean dying in my arms and me shattering the windows I snapped before long I found myself here… I got here maybe within an hour or 2 straight driving no stops no nothing I filled up the impala the next day after showing up here and crying for 8 hours… Jason took the next day off work and we talked and brought our engagement back online… I had to keep my promise to Dean… I warded the house I kept 16 things of salt in the house… I made sure that any chance I could to hunt something close by I took it cause I couldn’t control my anger any other way…”

Sam: “I went to see ellen shortly after that day and she gave me a couple of cases to take and look into… minor things ghosts and like 3 poltergeists… so that’s how I spent the first little bit after dean’s death was working cases for Ellen… after that I went back to bobby’s and the first thing he did was hug me and hnd me a beer… then he asked me if I had heard from you and I said no and that the impala was gone probably with you and and and… I mean I understand why you took the impala I mean I get it I do but why…”

You started explaining everything to him and eventually you started dozing off, yo got sam some blanket and pillow and hugged him…

Y/N: “thank you for being here…”

Sam: “anytime kiddo..”

With that you and Sam parted ways for the night you laid back dow next to Jason who was already fast asleep… you laid there thinking and praying hoping that sometime soon there would be a sign a neon sign lit up like the heavens… with that thought in mind you fell asleep… waking up the next morning Jason was already gone to work, but then you heard it… you got up and ran back to the office throwing on your robe you opened the door and saw it…

Y/N: “omg Sam what the hell happened?”

Sam: “the poltergeist cracked its own code for us…”

Y/N: “Sam could this be true?”

Sam: “I don’t know I want to believe it but this coud just be something trying to trick us…”

Y/N: “ya but still why would it write, ‘DEAN WINCHESTER LIVES LADIES AND GENTLEMEN BRING ON THE WAR…’ what the hell does that mean?”

Sam: “well it either means something grabbed my brother out of the pit or something is playing a trick on us and is trying to lure us back to Lawrence…”

Y/N: “Sam I don’t want to think about what horrible thing this could be… ill put up extra warding and stick salt everywhere and then we will see what happens when bobby gets here…”

Sam hugs you tight and then he smiles pulling back…

Sam: “go get dressed we are gonna go and spend the day driving the impala and getting your dress and accessories…”

Y/N: “I don’t know if its necessary for you to be with me for something that’s only gonna take an hour… but I guess we can make a day out of it…”

Sam: “come on girl your more of a Winchester than anyone else… now go get dressed ill compile a printed list of these messages, and see what bobby thinks…”

You laugh and go to get dressed you pick out one of dean’s plaid shirts, a black tank top and a pair of short shorts… not grabbing socks knowing that you were wearing sandels... you walked back out of the bedroom and looked around the house but you heard the floor creek behind you… You turned around and back flipped as Sam came sliding on the floor towards you…

Sam: “well your instincts are still as sharp as ever…”

Y/N: “ya of course they are I joined a boxing/fighting gym just to keep up my skills…”

Sam: “of course you did… ready to go…”

Y/N: “almost there is one more thing I have to grab…”

You grabbed your bag with the binder in it and you grabbed the keys to the impala… running your fingers over the key chain you had given dean on your anniversary…

Y/N: “im driving”

Sam just laughed following you out the door and round to the back driveway…

Sam: “that’s why I didn’t see it out front… you keep baby in the garage…”

Y/N: “did you just call it baby?”

Sam nodded and you giggled putting your bag between you and Sam in the front as you used the garage remote to open the garage and you started her up… you sighed at the sound of the engine… you backed out of the garage and closed it behind you as you took off down the backlane…

the bridal shop where you had gotten your dress was only a few blocks away so you pulled up and parked in front looked at Sam as you both got out of the car, you guys walked in and were greeted by friendly voices…

Darlene: “Y/N darling…”

Y/N: “Darlene… im here to pick out the accessories and pick up the dress please…”

Darlene: “would you like to try on your dress ma’am?”

Y/N: “I would very much like to try it on for my best friend here… he is also my bridal party…”

Darlene takes your hand and then eyes Sam lovingly… she takes you to the back changing area where you strip down and she helps you into the dress…

Darlene: “oh honey it looks gorgeous...”

Y/N: “lets go show it to him I wish for him to show his reaction…”

You walk out to see Sam with his back turned to you, you got a little closer and cleared your throat… Sam turned towards you and dropped your bag…

Sam: “holy shit Y/N you look amazing…”

He was right you let him take the photos and you smiled…

Darlene: “now the correct shoes… cause honey those ones you have on right now don’t do justice for you…”

You smiled as she went to grab a different pair of shoes in your size you smiled watching Sam who was amazed…

Y/N: “okay sam be honest does it really look that bad?”

Sam: “no actually you almost look normal… and umm I think you need to see this…”

He says looking up from his phone, you look at it and you gasp…

Y/N: “this cant be real…”

Sam: “oh believe me its real… im gonna call the department as soon as we are done here and…”

Y/N: “no no no we can go down there personally… I work for them… hand me my phone please…”

Sam hands you your phone and you look at it hitting dial for your partner…

Y/N: “helen its me whats the low down on this new case…”

Helen: “oh girl I know umm did you want me to email it to you or…”

Y/N: “nah H ill bring one of my friends from the fbi who is in for the wedding and we will check it out after I pick up my dress…”

Helen: “do you think its…”

Y/N: “that’s exactly what I think…”

Over the next little while you, darlene and sam picked out your accessories but all you could think about was the new case…

Darlene: “ok here are the shoes I also took the liberty of getting you a veil, headpiece, gloves, necklace/earrings and the bouquet…”

Y/N: “omg Sam photograph everything please…”

Sam: “documenting all of this…”

Y/N: “better be I want to put all this into a book…”

You and Sam laughed but Sam knew that all you wanted to do right then was hunt…

Darlene: “heres the veil…”

Y/N: “omg its beautiful…”

Sam: “so are you girl…”

Sam snaps another photo and he smiles as Darlene presents another item…

Darlene: “here is the headpiece… which is to be attached after the veil…”

You squealed as you saw it sparkle in the sunlight…

Then all at the same time she pulled out the necklace/earrings, gloves and bouquet… your eyes went wide and Sam photographed your reactions upon seeing everything…

*insert necklace/earrings, gloves & bouquet*

You were speechless you hugged Darlene and then it was like clockwork… you heard screams… you heard gun shots and you grabbed your badge Darlene gave you the permission to go out the door, sam was right on your tail with his badge…

Woman: “please help the man over here needs medical attention…”

Y/N: “its ok ma’am my partner here will take down your statement of what you saw…”

You then turned to Darlene and told her to call the cops as you walked towards the vic… but immediately backed up when you saw his eyes… you whistled for Sam to come to your location he was at your side in an instant but there was one thing there and that was Dean’s shirt that he was wearing the night he died… you went to it picking it up and you told Darlene to cancel the call which took you to authorize and then you turned towards the woman and saw that she was gone…

Sam: “lets go back in the shop and finish paying for everything…”

You nodded your head bringing that shirt with you as you did… Darlene looked at you and smiled lightly…

Darlene: “I take it she found a few answers with what happened…”

Sam: “I think so but we will know more when we get the shirt examined… so if I may ill purchase the accessories…”

Darlene: “of course one moment please I need to help her out of her dress…”

Sam stood there putting everything back in your tote and he texted bobby…

Sam(VIA TEXT): “get here asap found DEAN’S SHIRT THAT HE WAS WEARING WHEN HE DIED Y/N IS SPIRALING…”

It didn’t take more than 1 minute before bobby texted back…

Bobby(VIA TEXT): “say no more I’m almost there…”

Sam knew that if anyone could figure this out it was you but with you spiraling he knew that it would take a miracle for you to calm down… Darlene came out of the room and to the register packing up all the accessories and the dress….

Darlene: “since she has already paid for the dress this is just for the accessories, will that be cash or card?”

Sam: “cash…”

Sam hands her the cash and she smiles…

Darlene: “you know I have seen her go through a lot but right now ive never seen her more scared..”

Sam: “its just pre wedding nerves mostly… I am her best friend so you know I have the right to worry…”

Darlene: “she is very lucky to have a friend like you…”

Sam turns around at the feeling of our hand on his arm…

Y/N: “thank you Darlene I couldn’t have asked for a better person to help me with everything…”

You turn back to Sam who is holding all the stuff and you smile… Darlene waves at you and smiles…

Darlene: “take care dear and good luck…”

You and Sam waved at her as you got into the impala… you leaned your head back on the head rest and you only smiled a little bit…

Sam: “are you ok kiddo…”

Y/N: “let me see the shirt again…”

Sam hands you the shirt and you start running your hands all over it but feel different textures and you look at him holding up your hand…

Sam: “is that…”

Y/N: “something to provide a message but what could it be…”

Sam: “to the lab?”

You stepped on the gas and you both arrived at the preceint in less than 5 minutes… you put on your badge and handed one to Sam who took it while you held the shirt and clutched it in your grasp… you opened the door and got out of the car…

Y/N: “helen meet me in the lab and bring the lab tech now…”

You and Sam rushed to the lab and you lay the shirt out on the table under the light… you start trying to scan it for strange entity… but of course that’s when Helen and Lab Tech Darryl walked in… you looked at them and they did you with the shirt on the table…

Helen: “umm wheres the person who was wearing that shirt?”

Darryl: “and whose the stiff behind you Y/N?”

You felt Sam tense up and you put your hand behind you touching his arm slightly as you look at him slightly…

Y/N: “this is Sam he is a FBI buddy from Sioux Falls… he happens to be my bridal party for my wedding and our supervisor is walking me down the aisle but right now I want to see if there is any un-identifyable elements or invisible ink or anything untraceable on this shirt… don’t ask questions just get me results…”

You ran your hands through your hair as you went over to the computer in the corner and you started searching for any strange signs, omens, anything… that’s when you found it… a report of a empty unmarked grave but of course the hours passed before something was revealed but at that moment your mind was swarming with so many damn thoughts of what this could all mean… but it was Sam’s voice that brought you back to reality…

Sam: “bobby called we should go back to the motel and meet up with him…”

You nodded and then you turned to your co workers and smiled lightly for a few seconds…

Y/N: “did you guys find anything…”

Helen: “yes but…”

Darryl: “see we don’t really know how to explain it…”

Sam: “ill explain it to you when we get to the car… it was lovely meeting you all but we have to go…”

You followed Sam out to the impala and you let him drive to the motel where you and him got out of the car and met the gaze of bobby…

Bobby: “well its about damn time…”

Sam: “sorry bobby Y/N was freaking out…”

You ran towards bobby and hugged him without warning the tears started flowing… over the next while you texted Jason and told him you were doing some of your bachelorette that night and that you would see him in the morning… he texted back telling you to have fun and that he loved you… all the laughing, beer and everything you felt a bit tired and you leaned your head against Sam’s shoulder…

Sam: “it is that time I guess isn’t it…”

Y/N: “sorry guys I guess with everything that happened today im just a little you know exhausted…”

Bobby: “understandable kiddo and whats for lunch tomorrow?”

Y/N: “I am not sure yet Jason wont tell me he said it’s a surprise… he was gonna stick me in the office while he cooked so I actually don’t know…”

Bobby: “don’t worry kiddo we will figure this out…”

That was when you started to doze off you could feel yourself entering a state of panic combined with tiredness… you got up and stumbled a bit and managed to slide your bra off and toss it at Sam’s head to which he turned around and hung it on the chair as he and bobby got up and got ready for bed… from all the times traveling and shacking up with the boys you always knew Sam to sleep without his shirt but in his jeans incase they ever had to run in the middle of the night…

Sam: “bobby you take the other bed ill share with Y/N I kinda owe it to her…”

Bobby: “of course boy but I gotta tell you I don’t think I have ever seen her this stressed out/scared its like she is seeing something that isn’t hers…”

Sam: “do you think he could be…”

Bobby: “well if he is somehow back I didn’t bring him back and I know for damn sure Y/N over there didn’t…”

Sam: “I didn’t do it believe me I tried but nothing worked…”

Bobby: “we can see what happens during the next day and a bit but anything strange and she might have to leave again…”

Sam: “I think if she had to make the choice again she would leave if it came down too it I mean you didn’t see the way her eyes lit up when we caught wind of the poltergeist in her house…they practically lit up the room bobby… at heart she knows she isn’t meant for normal… she is a hunter at heart and in full bobby and right now she is more anxious than ever…”

Bobby: “we will see what happens in the morning…”

Sam and Bobby both turned their gaze to ur sleeping form neither of them knew the repercussions of things about to come to light… Sam came and crawled in beside u and you curled against him like nothing had changed… the next morning you woke to ur phone ringing and Sam’s arm around your waist keeping you safe… you reached to the table unplugged your phone and answered it..

Y/N: “hello…”

Helen: “hey umm we have a problem crime scene we need help…”

Y/N: “isn't there another person who can help with his…”

Helen: “nope cause this thing is written in blood…”

You at that moment had elbowed Sam who was now listening to this…

Y/N: “we will be there as soon as possible me Sam and my FBI supervisor…”

At that moment Sam threw a pillow at Bobby who sat straight up and looked at Sam like he was gonna kill him but then Sam gestured to you who was getting up and searching for your badge and stuff turned around and glared at them, they took a hint…

Y/N: “if your not already there grab me a latte I'm gonna need it…”

Helen: “can u survive without it for now?”

Y/N: “I guess but u owe me…”

Helen: “don't I already…”

Y/N: “yes u do don't worry I'll think of something good…”

Helen: “shit get over here now…”

You rushed the guys at the sound of the rising panic in her voice…

Y/N: “Helen what's wrong?”

Helen: “is there a creature or being that has silver eyes?”

You were out the door faster than the guys as you all piled into the impala after you loaded up on silver bullets and put on your holster…

Y/N: “keep everyone on the scene till we arrive we r on the way…”

Helen: “why what's wrong?”

Y/N: “Helen just do it quarantine the area and text me the address take over for security till we get there… I'll explain everything I promise and keep the captain informed as well of what's happening, tell him it's only to be handled by my department…”

Helen: “will do boss…”

The call disconnected as you started the impala and the guys piled in…

Sam: “Y/N slow down and calmly explain to me what the hell is wrong?”

You were so terrified to say it but knew it had to be said…

Y/N: “shapeshifter it's invaded the department and a crime scene everyone there is a suspect the area is under quarantine and to top it all off there is a message written for me at the scene in human blood…”

Sam and Bobby shut up with the questions after that as you all got out of the car and you went over to Helen who waved you all through the tape…

Helen: “the captain is in the room with the blood message it's bad and cryptic girl and to top it all off the power has been flickering too…”

Bobby: “if the power is flickering it's not a shapeshifter it's a Revenant…”

Y/N: “helen let's go see the captain…sam and bobby question people and use the security footage tof find it please and no one leaves the area… at all...”

Helen followed u as Sam and bobby went the opposite way towards the crowd of frightened people… you and Helen reached the captain who immediately stalked towards you as you closed the door.

Captain: “Y/N what the hell is going on?”

Y/N: “captain sir please calm down and let me explain now you may want to sit down for this one cause it is gonna sound a little far fetched…”

The captain sat down and started breathing as you stood still and looked at him almost scared…

Y/N: “captain the world of the paranormal is real… there is few people who know about what goes bump in the night and all those unexplained cases that I've been handling are caused by some nasty monsters demons angels etc right now somewhere in this quarantined area is a Revenant we can't tell it's a Revenant unless we take a photo of everyone or have them touch a silver knife…”

Captain: “wait wait wait Woah are you telling me that someone in this area is a Revenant? And that silver is toxic to it…”

You nod and begin to feel scared… you look at Helen as she takes it as her que..

Helen: “sir we need to make sure you're clear… we need to make sure ur not the Revenant…”

Captain: “how do u plan on testing me?”

Helen pulls out the silver switch blade u had given her and he backs up…

Captain: “you think this is legal…”

Y/N: “captain if I may… in my time away I've done much worse… trust me this is nothing… look I'll even take the test…”

You took the switchblade and sliced your arm and nothing happened but you grunted as the blade passed your skin…

Helen: “see nothing happened… captain it's your turn…”

Captain: “alright but make it fast…”

Helen took the blade and slid it across his skin and nothing happened…

Captain: “am I clear?”

Helen: “yes now we need to show Y/N the message…”

Captain: “when I saw this I knew it was weird and it specifically has your name on it but there was another thing too, it was a small bag looked like it was something pegan or odd enough that helen decided to call you…”

Y/N: “a hex bag show me the scene now…”

You followed the captain and helen to the other side of the building… you looked then at the message written on the wall in what seemed to be blood… you got closer to it and it became written in English…

“Y/N your true love lives, and you marry another Don’t despare any longer for he whom you love has been brought back from hell”

you took one look at it and you saw the hex bag it looked like the one you had left with Dean the day he died… you took it in your hands and you called Sam immediately and told him to come to your location he needed to hear it…

Sam: “what the hell is going on?”

Sam yells as he enters the room panting out of breathe… you point to the wall tears welling in your eyes as Sam follows your gaze reading the wall he embraces you as you let the tears fall freely…

Sam: “what is the plan boss?”

Helen: “we are gonna stand by you Y/N no matter what you choose…”

Captain: “you will always have a place among us Y/N and this time you can keep your badge…”

You sighed slightly thinking about how you blew off Jason and how the wedding was tomorrow and how your world was turning upside down…

Y/N: “I guess go to the church tomorrow and start the ceremony and see what happens from there…”

Sam: “if anything happens during the ceremony I know you will make the right choice…”

Y/N: “I know that but its gonna be a sad day if I have to leave again…”

Helen: “don’t worry it will work itself out in the end…”

Helen had a slight hiss to the end of her sentence but no one thought anything of it… you left the crime scene bobby saying that he would meet you and Sam back at your house as you left the stuff in the impala you entered the building and instantly sat by the window holding the shirt…

Jason: “Sam do I want to know what happened?”

Sam: “Y/N is just distracted by the case that’s all she will be fine for tomorrow ill make sure of it…”

Jason: “so man I don’t know much about what happened to the guy she was with when she took off..”

Sam: “trust me dude you don’t want to know… you honestly don’t want to know… but know this, she loved him, still does but right now I think she needs someone who has been there for her these past few months to lean on right now…”

It was then that a voice rang in your head and you fell off your seat and crashed to the ground your body seizing… Sam started searching the house as Jason grabbed his phone…

Jason: “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING???”

Sam: “no time for questions just put the phone down and help me look around for a bag.. a small bag with a pegan symbol on it…”

Jason: “what the hell?”

Sam: “she is holding her head this isn’t a hex bag dial 911 hurry…”

Jason did as told and you were rushed off within half an hour to the nearest hospital… where they stuck you on IV… Sam was standing outside the room as Bobby came to relieve him so he could eat and get coffee but amidst that he made a phone call…

Sam: “Ellen hey its Sam…”

Ellen: “whats wrong boy?”

Sam: “I need you to put out feelers…”

Ellen: “that tone to your voice doesn’t sound good…”

Sam: “that’s because whatever has happened is connected to Y/N it put her in the hospital… I need feelers out or someone to check on deans grave site…”

Ellen: “Samuel Winchester are you…”

Sam: “I am im suggesting my brother may have come back from the dead… what happened just now confirms it…”

Ellen: “cause of their connection…”

Sam: “if something happened to one of them it would happen to the other…”

Ellen: “but that hasn’t happened since…”

Sam: “I know…”

[dogon779-blog]

See you soon

Today is the day, the day when I finally get my surgery. I been waiting months for this so much pain has been built up I'm ready to be free of pain. Me and my girlfriend Ash talked about this day and thought how good life was gonna be. So May 4th I went in for my surgery, I was ready but I also was terrified but it seems like I wasn't alone as my parents and Ash were crying too. “You guys are such cry baby jezz” Said quietly with a chuckle but without knowing a tear was going down my face. Dam I was trying to keep my tears in, I didn't want them to worry about me. “Says you” My dad jokingly said, I'm just glad I'm not the only jokester. (Wooo) the door opens suddenly and the smell of a hospital floods the room like a storm. “Hey parents and mr and Ms” He laughed but his smile left fast as it came. Things got surios he went on and on about doctor talk, It only made things more scary. *Knock knock* ”Bradleigh are you ready to go?” A nurse asked. My mind went crazy I still had so much to say and so much to do all my emotions came out at once and I didn't know what do you. “Okay say your goodbyes and follow me please, Father you can come too” I followed quietly behind her not knowing where to go, Then she turned into a room *prep room* “Okay if you may just lay down on the bed for me please” she said so openly like this was the best bed in the world!? More doctors came in, I felt overwhelmed and started to panic but got myself in control. “Ok we willl put a mask on you which will make you sleepy” One of the doctors said. “ Take big breaths in and outttt, there you go just like that” “Hey can I get a bucket of chicken after this” The room filled with laughter……. *12 hours later* I was still under in drug indouced sleep I don't know how long I been sleeping but it felt like forever. My eyes creeked open very slower I must have fell back to sleep 20 times. I finally got the strength to move my head to my right and I seen my mother. “Ahinruoebeijsh” I tried to speak but I was still to sleepy to speak clearly. My mom laughed at me then I started to cry not because I wanted to just because I did. It's like a baby being born if they don't cry then something is wrong so it's a good thing I was crying it ment I still felt my back and pain. But of course my mom freaked out and ran and got a nurse, His name was Tyrone. He put medication in my iv to help the pain but before I knew it I was back asleep again. I didn't wake up until tomorrow morning but that's only because they woke me up and aslo I smelled bacon so I was ready to wake up lol. The breakfast cart was coming out and giving out breakfast, I got well my dad got me bacon, eggs and sausage. But little did I know how hard it would be to eat snice my whole Spain is in allot of pain and sensitive. So I got like 25% of one piece of bacon down before I quit. Then before knowing it I was asleep again all the way until 12 tomorrow. Let me just say these medications are very strong and they kick my ass like a kid playing kickball. So another day where I still don't know what's going to happen. But I was awoken by two lovely nurses, Jae and rox. Apptly they want to move me from my bed to a chair but remember I can barley move as is. “Okay bradleigh we are going to lift you up slowly, tell us if it hurts.” I was about to scream before they even moved me just because I was scarred. But secretly they amped up my meds just for this moment, So they started to move and I didn't even feel a thing thankfully. So eventually the nurses got me into the chair. Lucky me there was fooodddd!!!!! So in the end I was happy. But little did I know it would be my last day at that hospital before I got transferred to a rehab hospital. This is when everything went downhill, after eating and getting back into my bed. I finally decided to ask where Ash has went? My mom replied “She left shortly after you went in” I was confused because she said she would spend the whole weekend with me so why isn't she here. So I asked for my phone back and it's my first time using it snice the surgery. *Samsung startup screen* I waited for it to start then boom it's up, I was expecting a message or a missed call but there was nothing. So I was gonna sen*Knock knock* “Coming in bradleigh, Sorry for the interpurten but we moved your transfer from tomorrow to today within two hours” I didn't want to leave or move yet but I couldn't do anything about it. So my mom packed my bags and they took me to the ambulance for transferring. To be honest I was nervous again but I didn't have anyone there to support me. After a long 20min ride that felt like a lifetime we finally arrived to the rehab hospital. The doors on the ambulance opened them soon after my cart start to move. They are moving me to my new room. Where I found out I had a room mate, His name was hybob he was a Indian kid probably 9 years old but I couldn't tell why he was there, no real obvious reasons. Little later we were all set in my new “Room”. I was too tired to do anything, that trip from hospital to hospital had wore me down. So I went to sleep once again not knowing what to expect when I wake up.i slept until 5 in the morning I wanted to flip to my other side but I physically can't sense my Spain. So I lied there for about 2 hours before my dad woke up which then he called the nurse to flip me. But then they also start giving me self indouced medication instead of iv. It's so dam nasty like I wanna throw up it turns my stomach so bad. I couldn't eat because of it. So when I did eat I would eat a salad, Which is healthy but for me I don't need healthy rn. So day by day my stomach was getting worse and I ate less but I tried my best to make sure no one knew. To make everything worse my girlfriend wasn't answer, But to be honest no one was answering not even my best friend. I just needed someone to be there for me, I was struggling my mind was getting to me. I left voicemails waiting for a reply which never came, Until the very next day when my girlfriend finally called back. “Hey baby, Everything okay I haven't heard from you in a while” I said sadly “Oh sorry I didn't notice, I was busy….*in a faint voice which grew louder then boom laughter* (Male voice)” Haha I gotcha now” “Um I got to go bye” she hung up before I got the chance to even say anything. Who was that? I feel like I know that voice, Just shut up don't worry everything well be fine, i thought to myself. It was time for therapy anyways so I had to focus on getting better, We we're working out for about an hour before he let me go back to my room. As I was wheelchairing myself into my room I heard my ringtone, maybe that's my girlfriend calling back but soonly realized it wasn't a call it was a notification from Instagram. Someone sent me a video, I heard of this kid before but never really talked. So I clicked on the video and my heart stopped I couldn't believe what I was seeing. My girlfriend was making out with my best friend…. How could they, I trusted them why me, why now, just why. Its my fault I'm in this hospital, It's my fault I had to get this surgery, All of this is my fault. If I wasn't here then none of this happened but now it's to late *Grabs the iv bag line and wraps it around my neck* No one will get tthe chance to hurt me again *Wraps it tighter and throws myself off the bed making the iv choke me* I don't wanna live to tomorrow I wanna die Fuck tomorrow, I'm dieing tonight, My own life is like my kryptonite, I know this isn't right, but I lost this fight, So fuck today I'm not living tonight. No time to ask if I'm alright so just goodbye and goodnight…. *Beeeeeeeep*”Nurses to b11 we've a 212” The nurses come in and are shocked to there soul, They never ever seen something like this “Check his pulse”......”Hes gone, Wait what are these?” “ They look like cuts, Go check his file and see if he has any mental health issues” *2 mins later* “Been struggling with depression for then yeah*Ringtone blares* It was his girlfriend calling, one of the nurses pick it up “Hello?” The nurse cationly said “Umm is Kenny there? I need to talk to him” she said but Kenny isn't alive anymore, The nurse didn't know how to tell her other then just coming out “Ma'am I don't know how to tell you this but, Kenny took his own life today” The nurse mumbled. It was complete slience “Hey baby hurry up the movie is starting” Came from the background of her phone “um I will call back later” she said. The nurse yelled “Fucking hell because of you he's dead, All he needed was a friend but instead of being there for him you decided to cheat on him with his best friend” Then the nurse hung up but then suddenly “Kenny I'm here” a girl named McKenzie showed up holding flowers with such a beautiful smile which disappeared and quickly was joined with tears flowing down her face. She ran towards Kenny until one of the nurses grabbed her “KENNY NO PLEASE NO” McKenzie screamed. She was escorted out the room and taken to the waiting room. Little did Kenny know McKenzie saved up money to buy flowers and a taxi ride to get all the way there to spend a whole week with him. Now it's to late for that, He's gone forever now. *A week later at Kenny's funeral* “Kenny was a light hearted funny person, He never wanted to hurt anyone but only to help. So to see someone go through so much pain just to make other people happy, Makes me proud of him but also sad that no one wanted to make him happy. Today I wish he was here just to here his corny jokes, Knowing him he would have climbed into the casket and said “Well it's nap time see you tomorrow” *Laughter* But today is yesterdays tomorrow and he isn't here. So let's not forget him ever because he never got a tomorrow.” Kenny's dad said. “Hey Kenny's dad” McKenzie said “ Oh hey what a nice surprise, McKenzie right?” “Yeah but how did you know?” “Well Kenny talked about you and always told us stories about yall. He was grateful to call you his friend” “Aww I didn't know that, But should've knew he always liked talking”.... *Funeral ended* McKenzie stayed behind to say her final goodbyes at his grave, She talked and talked about there life and what they've done. But it ended in tears. “ Well the sun is going down so I should go home, See you soon kenny” McKenzie said. Later that week her mom went into McKenzie room but couldn't find her but noticed a letter to Kenny on her desk. Which read out “Dear Kenny I can't believe your gone, I wake everyday excepting your good morning text with a light but generous conversation. I go to school and walk the halls waiting to see your face or hear your voice but all I get is a emptiness slience. Everywhere I go and everything I do, I think about you and think how we used to do stuff. It's really hard to see everyone act like life is normal and nothing happen, But to me life will never be normal again. I still have so much to say to you but I won't get the chance too. So I will put everything in this letter.. Kenny you showed me so many beautiful things in life and gave me unforgettable memories which I will hold close forever. I always had a crush on you but you were dating Ash so i just kept it in. All I wanted is for you to be happy and if it meant letting you date Ash then let it be. So I tried my best everyday to make you smile because little to be known you had such a amazing smile which complemented your blue eyes.. God your eyes there were so filled with love and life I never get tired of them. Damnit Kenny I loved you and always wanted to tell you but I was sacred now I regret not telling you. Now I have to live with knowing I won't ever get the chance to… You were the best thing in life I had and it got taken away, I really miss you Kenny and I'll see you soon I promise” ~Mckenzie Her mom was crying by the end of the letter but wondered where she was *Woolsh* a cold breeze flew by her neck. She looked behind her and seen a open window, Her heart sunk. It took everything to walk to the window and look down to see her precious daughter laying completely face first 27 floors down on the road. McKenzie took her life at age 16…. The end

[tripile]

A Winter CSF Leak Update

I’ve received many very similar emails and DMs during the last few days.

“Jodi…?” the messages start out. “I don’t want to bother you but it has been a long time since you posted, and I’m really starting to worry.”

“Jodi: blink twice if you’re ok?”

“Jodi, here is a llama walking into an optometrist’s office in France. I thought of you! Also, ARE YOU OK?”

In a world of easy access to people’s inboxes, readers have only been a pleasure, a virtual cloud of warmth and never a burden. And when so many of you ping at once, I know I am due for an update. In this slow bedrest state, life feels like a woozy Groundhog Day. I love the filaments that connect me to so many of you, reminding me not to lose track of time entirely. I am so humbled by your care.

***

When I was a kid, my mother said my first word was a word. Instead of continuing along those lines, apparently the next thing I started said was a sentence, “see car go by.”

“And then,” my family jokes, “she never stopped talking!”

Being at a loss for words is not a problem I normally have. But yes, I have been very lax at updating because it’s been hard to find words for what I’m feeling.

A Leaky Anniversary

January 26 was the one year anniversary of the patch that sealed me last year. I had a really rough and heart-wrenching time reckoning with where I am on this anniversary. Instead of scaffolding off the slow and arduous recovery that followed the anaphylaxis and procedure, I am in bed.

Again.

For many months.

If you’re just tuning in, the CSF leak that sealed up and was healing reopened because I sat on the ground. Gingerly. Not even enthusiastically. I went from 4-5km walks a day, to no walking in record time.

At first, I was in extreme denial that something so small, so inhibited could blow out the scar tissue that had months to form. But one by one, each symptom I had in 2017 came back. I keep detailed daily logs of every symptom, supplement or mediation, and food. I couldn’t deny what I was experiencing.

Then, the grief. The anger. The deep sadness, the kind that suffocates all hope.

We learn about the “stages of grief” in popular culture, but what happens when they just cycle over and over? When you think you’ve come out the other side and can breathe again, when you tilt your face up at a brighter-than-you-remembered sun, only to find that you’re back in the dark?

***

My body, when I releaked, was in far better shape than the initial leak in 2017. Labs last summer showed improvements and lower inflammatory markers. I tried to stay positive. My friends and family came to visit. My inbox overflowed with llama photos.

As fall turned to winter, I saw some wonderful improvements. I stopped having the “brain sag” of my brain smushing into my spine due to low pressure. I moved into “high pressure” again, which is usually a symptom of the leak starting to seal over — the extra CSF produced while leaking backs up against the hole now tentatively closed. I started on the meds to lower intracranial pressure to prevent the fragile seal from bursting due to pressure. I felt cautiously optimistic.

And then a few weeks later in mid-December, I had an awful nightmare in my sleep. I remember it perfectly. And I also remember what woke me up: the excruciating pain in my back.

After an epidural blood patch to seal a CSF leak, the discharge instructions note that there’s to be no bending, lifting, or twisting for many weeks, but also that coughing or sneezing can blow out the patch due to intrathecal pressure. Many fellow leakers have blown out their patches — a clot or glue covering the leak temporarily while your own body can heal with scar tissue underneath — from constipation (pushing), sneezing, coughing, laughing.

Suspend your humanness while you can, the unsaid instructions whisper. Don’t do anything that can compromise this seal.

In my case, this nightmare I had blew out the seal and I was back to square one.

The Roller-Coaster of Ups and Downs

It is difficult for me to express the crazy-making nature of this condition.

No imaging sensitive enough to show a leak in many cases, including where it is located in the spine. Many people are chronically misdiagnosed because their imaging is normal. Normal imaging, the leak experts have learned, does not exclude a leak.

So the best way to know if you are leaking is via your symptoms, which only exacerbates your anxiety about what may or may not be happening in your body. It is a very tough, very exhausting dance to undertake. I have struggled the most with this balance of attempting to stay in touch with my body while also uncurling my clenched hands from the eventual outcome. Science tells us that focusing ad nauseum on our pain can magnify it in our minds, hence the usefulness of mindfulness and other meditation.

When your condition requires a focus on pain, and you also know you need to stay equanimous to heal effectively? That is a total mindfuck.

***

In mid-December, a close family member took a turn for the very worse. The funeral was around Christmas. I was too unwell to attend. Combined with the Re-Re-leak, I spiralled pretty solidly into a very bleak place.

If I’ve learned anything in this madness, it’s that staying in the black hole of despair is not how you heal. With the crutches of visits and calls from close friends, someone to talk with who specializes in grief, and the tools I’ve drawn on at the worst of times, I was able to wrench myself to a better place.

But still, I am not sealed and healed.

***

I put off Duke when I re-leaked because of what happened during the last round of patching. There is a lesson about anxiety in that procedure too: in my most creative of nightmares, I never imagined anaphylaxis as part of what could go wrong.

But it did, and while they will not use fibrin glue again (suspecting that was the cause for anaphylaxis), I’ve written about how my body seems to be stuck in that very reactive, anaphylax-y place. My mast cells degranulated all over the place and LOVED it. They seem to enjoy doing so again and again since, not only to foods but also smells – and even hot showers.

Given how pear-shaped things went last time, I wanted to give my body a long chance to seal before committing to another procedure. When I did seemingly seal up in November, I was so thrilled. It didn’t (and doesn’t) matter to me if it takes a long time, though my parents have the patience of saints. If slow and steady was the way, I was ok with that as long as I sealed up.

I will be honest: my turbulent December and January have tested the limits of my capacity for grace and patience and hope. I have been on bedrest for quite a few months. While I’m not bored, the pain levels are pretty unconscionable and keeping my spirit up has been a mighty challenge.

From my own calculus: if I do need to go back to Duke, I want to know I gave my body a full shot.

That way, if – IF – things go awry again during a procedure, I won’t be able to look back and say, “should have given it a bit more time.”

***

So where are we now? It’s February, and almost at my favourite holiday in the world: Vietnamese lunar new year or Tet. An amazing reader named Wendy just sent me a pic of lamp in my name from her family’s temple in Malaysia, a New Year wish of health and prosperity. Lunar new year was a time for reflection and cleaning and cleansing for my years in Asia, and I’ve kept that spirit during my return to Mexico and Canada. New Year starts in a few days, and with it I hope a better climate for healing.

I have seen such progress since the re-leak, progress I didn’t see when first in bed in 2017. I keep flipping into high pressure as it starts to seal, then unsealing. It may be that I need intervention after all, but I still have hope that the JodiDura-that-could comes through this winter. I’m eating a strict and healthy diet, meditating, visualizing, consistently working to bring my mind into a better space.

If I can’t seal during the winter, it certainly won’t be because I didn’t try.

Learning to be the Tortoise

There once was a speedy hare who bragged about how fast he could run. Tired of hearing him boast, Slow and Steady, the tortoise, challenged him to a race. All the animals in the forest gathered to watch. Hare ran down the road for a while and then and paused to rest. He looked back at Slow and Steady and cried out, “How do you expect to win this race when you are walking along at your slow, slow pace?” Hare stretched himself out alongside the road and fell asleep, thinking, “There is plenty of time to relax.” Slow and Steady walked and walked. He never, ever stopped until he came to the finish line. The animals who were watching cheered so loudly for Tortoise, they woke up Hare. Hare stretched and yawned and began to run again, but it was too late. Tortoise was over the line. After that, Hare always reminded himself, “Don’t brag about your lightning pace, for Slow and Steady won the race!”

The moral lesson of the Aesop’s “Tortoise and the Hare” fable is that sometimes you can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by rash action. The race (of life) isn’t necessarily won by the fastest or strongest animal, but by those who persist in the face of obstacles – including the obstacle of time.

I undertook my life in the stubborn spirit of the hare.

I went to law school straight from grade 13 (CEGEP, in Quebec) because someone bet me I couldn’t get in. I took a job in NYC because on my first day of law school, someone said, “you don’t deserve to be here. Go back to high school where you belong. And don’t bother getting a job in New York City – you’ll never succeed.” When I quit my law job, it wasn’t for a two month trip, it was for an open jaw adventure to Siberia that unfurled into a glorious and food-filled new career.

My identity for years was the lawyer who quit her job to eat soup. As I’ve laid in bed on and off since 2017, I’ve watched the travel industry and my fellow writers move on with their lives. Mine feels very stuck. I am very unused to not being able to solve problems by DOING, and it is a monumental shift in my mindset. Above and beyond the leak, my health will require a different way of approaching work.

Apparently it’s time to be the tortoise.

Tortoise pic from one of the first adventures in my round-the-world trip: the Galapagos Islands in Ecuador

I’m still feeling around the edges of what that means for me. Sealing and healing will require me to change a lot about how I approach work and achievement, because excessive doing is a surefire way to undo my progress. There’s a lot here I hope to write about in the future, about learning to get under your mind and into your heart.

About listening to your body before it’s too late.

About not necessarily taking every bet that comes your way as a life challenge.

For now, though, I don’t know what I will redefine life “as.” I trust that it will unfold in its own way. While mourning the life I had, I also feel curious about what comes next.

But first: this leak in my spine needs to be firmly sealed for me to get walking again.

***

Thank you all as always for the caring notes, the questions, and the overwhelming support and love. I am extraordinarily lucky to have such a robust army of cheerleaders around the world.

Many of you have dedicated your meditation practices to my health, and for that I am grateful. I do plan to restart the group meditations next week, on Sunday February 10th. If you are interested in joining, the first 7 weeks are here, and you can enjoy any of the meditations as the tracks are all on that post.

I have been meditating alone here, but with all that unfolded I couldn’t manage the group ones during the holidays. I appreciate how many emails I’ve received asking when they’ll restart, and I am so glad many of you find them helpful and a source of light.

I haven’t written publicly in a long time, but typing this post out with my thumbs felt very good. I missed it. And though I would still be writing if no one was reading, I’m glad to go through this very tough journey with a community like you to help make things better along the way.

Jodi

The post A Winter CSF Leak Update appeared first on Legal Nomads.

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[proudsmartass-blog1]

Living Well in the Dark Times of the Doom Cheeto

Lately whenever there’s breaking political news, this meme comes to mind. 

I won’t make this a political rant. There’s enough of that out there right now. We all know what’s wrong with the Doom Cheeto and all that he and his appointed staff (who collectively look like every perp & pedo ever featured on Law & Order, let’s be honest) stand for. 

I knew I would be affected by the orange shitstorm.  I just didn’t know how much or how quickly.  In less than two weeks, I’ve become absolutely disgusted and ashamed to call myself an American. I’ve seen friends and colleagues become fearful for themselves and their loved ones because of a fanatical religious ban that has no root in logic or reason. I’ve seen good people become terrified over deportation (themselves, their parents, their spouses), even though they’ve been taking the right steps on the path to citizenship so far. I’m seeing my rights to my own body & reproductive health being put up for debate by old sleazy privileged white men (who, without a doubt in my mind, have probably impregnated women and demanded that they have abortions at some point). I’m seeing my sexual orientation called into question on my ability to raise a family (good thing electroshock therapy can cure the half-gay outta me....wheeeeee!  <----bitter sarcasm). I don’t want kids, but that’s MY decision to make, based on how messed up and scarred for life my own Italian/Irish upbringing has left me...not based on who I’m attracted to. I fear that this narcissistic waste of flesh will lead us straight into WWIII. 

I’m participating in rallies and protests, but it feels like they are all for nothing.  I’m emotionally, psychologically, and physically drained, and my immune system took a deep plunge during the last month. I managed to catch just about every bug out there...the flu for two weeks, a stomach virus that I’m recovering from at the moment, My mental health took a hit...I’ve had more nightmares than usual, insomnia, and my BDD symptoms have essentially locked me in the boot of the car & been steering the wheel (anxiety attacks over having photos taken, seeing myself in photos, anxiety over having to eat, restriction, involuntarily becoming physically ill after eating).

It might feel selfish at first, but now more than ever it is extremely important to check in with yourself and take extra care if you are feeling unwell.  How? Ive no fucking idea!  But this is what I’ve been doing, and it seems to be helping me a bit. If it helps you as well or gives you some ideas, then have at them!

Allow yourself to feel your feelings.

This sounds stupid, I know.  But I’m the Chief in Command when it comes to burying everything deep down and fighting back tears! How am I? I’m fine. Even though I’m doing my best to put on this fake smile and hope that you don’t hear the screaming going on inside my own head...I’m fine!

It’s okay to feel your feelings. Cry it out. If you need to talk, open up to someone you trust.  They might actually be thankful that you initiated the conversation! I’ve had that very response, when I was afraid that I’d be inconveniencing them with my feelings/mere existence...they felt the same way. Or, try writing in a journal if you’re  not feeling people. Writing in a journal after waking from some pretty horrific nightmares has done me a world of good in trying to figure out the workings of my fucked up mind!

Find the humour.

Whatever it is...a situation, yourself, try to find what’s funny there.  This has actually been helpful in making me feel like I still have some control, perhaps via a displaced sense of having taken some of the power back that was taken from me from the thing (if that makes sense)? Like when I can’t seem to remember anyone’s name (even though you’ve told me five or so times), or recall the conversation we literally just had (that I actively participated in)! Another late notice from the electric company? I probably got distracted by something shiny while I was logging onto the website to pay it last month...whoops! Or like taking back the fear I feel every time the Doom Cheeto announces that he appointed so-and-so to whatever...

Okay, I don’t want a picture of the Doom Cheeto Brigade on my blog, but trust me...they really do all look like every bad guy ever featured on Law & Order!

Physical Health

This is a given, but also only if you’re up for it. I like going to the gym, but don’t always feel the energy for it.  If you’re not a gym fan, try going for walks or biking or indoor rock climbing (or outdoor, if you don’t live in a concrete jungle like I do!)

The worst thing you can do when you’re feeling down is sleep all day and hide away from humanity (which I’ve been guilty of on numerous occasions, so no judgments here).

Looking at sh!te on the interwebz.

Okay, so you’ve ignored said previous step and ventured off to Club Bed, featuring DJ Pillow and MC Duvet.  I respect it! While you’re regrouping, try easing your mind with enjoyable music (save the death metal for working out, maybe), or look at some uplifting/funny stuff on the web.  Avoid the news for now! I’ve needed to take days off from reading anything news-related, which is really hard and requires much effort lately.  It’s not ignorance, it’s not being selfish.  You’re taking a personal breather.

(Sad Ghost Club art :)

Cut toxicity from your life.

This one sucked, but I had to just cut out the people who were making the loudest noise when I asked for silence.  All were very toxic, very pushy and forceful in their disagreement with my opinions on political matters (after all, who am I to believe we’re all entitled to basic human rights in a place known as “The Land of the Free”?), very racist, and very not what I stand for or wish to associate myself with.  The suckage happened after the fact, after the unfriendings and requests that they no longer contact me. That I could not foster positive relationships with people who held that sort of hatred in their hearts (this is not the same as having different political views, mind you...politics does not = hatred!)

I have not regretted losing one of the toxic connections that I’ve cut, and have had improved peace of mind.

Create Community

Seek out others who are experiencing the same struggles as you are.  The internet can be a wonderful resource for this! Plenty of meet up groups out there.  If you cannot find community (and this is NOT easy, and where I’m at in the present moment), then seek to create it. Look into organising meet up groups and dates.  Again, the internet is an amazing resource for this! And remember...the chances of others feeling the same way that you do are greater than you walking around being the only one feeling that way (even though you might hope that you are the only one, because it really does suck, and you don’t wish this on anyone else).

Mental healthcare is, unfortunately, treated like a bit of a luxury item here in the US.  “It’s okay to not be okay...so long as you can afford to not be okay.” Insurance copayments and deductibles can be ridiculous. Meet up groups can be a godsend when therapy is not an option!

Random Kindness

I make a point of giving three random strangers a compliment on a daily basis. I’ve been doing this for the past 15+ years, in an attempt to combat my BDD. By helping others feel good about themselves, by pointing things out that they perhaps do not perceive as attractive about themselves (or maybe they do, and good on them if so!). They feel good. I feel good. WIN!

If I can help someone to not feel as grotesque and forgettable as I feel daily, either via a compliment or a laugh, then I’ve done my part.

(Hat = birthday gift from friends who put up with my emo nonsense & love me anyway! Get your own from TheSadGhostClub dot com )

I hope this babbling comes in useful to someone out there in internet land!