#like we have one reading specialist for nine grades | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

thedanceronthestreets · 4 years ago

Text

PEDRO PASCAL GQ GERMANY - OCTOBER 2020

Original text by Esma Annemon Dil

Fotos by Doug Inglish

Styling by Simon Robins

Translated by @thedanceronthestreets

Intro: A broken tooth could almost have been the reason for our meeting with Pedro Pascal to be cancelled - and with that our conversation about roots, his new movie and times of change.

Interview: It is almost eery how empty the streets of Los Angeles are under the gleaming sun. While Europe is finding its "new normal", people in L. A. are cutting their own hair even without being neurotics. Many of them have not seen their friends in half a year. The pandemic is out of control. So are the reactions to the situation. Inviting someone to a "distance drink" in the backyard can lead to the same consternation as proposing a relationship partner exchange.

All the more of a surprise was Pedro Pascal's immediate confirmation. To the drink, not the partner exchange. He is one of the winners this year - and if Corona had not forced the movie industry to go on a holiday, he probably would not have had the time for this drink. After "Game of Thrones", the series in which his head was squished, followed 2015 the leading role in "Narcos" as a DEA agent on the hunt for Pablo Escobar, and now the leap onto the big Hollywood screen. As of 1. October the Chilean will appear in the blockbuster "Wonder Woman 1984". Furthermore, the second season of the "Star Wars" series "The Mandalorian" will start in October with him as the main character - unfortunately underneath the helmet. But we all seem to be under the same helmet in 2020. It is this man we want to meet, who worked as a waiter in New York a couple of years ago. Whose parents are political refugees that settled in Texas, and one day their son decided to walk into a drama club in high school.

And then the cancellation. While we were preparing the house and garden for Pedro's drink and fashion shoot, which isn't an easy task under L. A.'s restrictions, his management called in with terrible news: Pedro has - no, not Corona - had to receive emergency surgery due to a sore tooth and is now lying in bed with a swollen cheek, making talking or shooting impossible. The sun shines onto empty streets. And our empty garden.

A few days later, he stands in front of the door anyway, no huge bulge in his face, but stitches in his gum. No limousine service that dropped him off, he arrived in his own car and picked up his makeup artist on the way. He helps her to carry in all the equipment and states first and foremost: "I've got time today!" What a star! It does not seem like we are about to ask him how he managed to become a Hollywood sensation, but rather him asking us that question. Pedro Pascal! So, what kind of star is he then?

Pedro Pascal: Sorry for ruining your plans. The operation was a total emergency.

GQ: Really? We were wondering whether the swelling was the result of a secret trip to the plastic surgeon. Apparently, because of the quarantine in Hollywood, their schedules are packed.

Sorry to disappoint you. A few days before our appointment I raced to the hospital with a tooth fracture and the worst pain I've ever felt - a hospital where the severe Corona cases are treated. I was unable to contact any dentists! Right before I parked, a specialist called back. I'll spare you the details of the surgery, gruesome. The pain was excruciating despite the 10 anaesthetic shots. The doctor said I wasn't the only one going through this, a lot of people grind their teeth at night thanks to stress.

What are you most afraid of at the moment?

The way the government is handling the pandemic scares me more than the virus itself. The lack of intelligent crisis management is a moral disgrace. The leadership crisis makes orphans out of all of us - we're left to fend for ourselves.

How have you spent the last few months?

With frozen pizza in jogging trousers in Venice Beach. I live in a rear building that's in the garden belonging to a family. In reality there are enough good takeout restaurants around that area, but for some reason I like salami pizza from the supermarket.

That doesn't exactly sound like the movie star lifestyle. What does it feel like to be forced from top speed to zero?

Considering the things happening in this world, my own state really isn't the top priority. But I would have to lie, if I said I wasn't disappointed. The entire cast and crew of "Wonder Woman 1984" put so much heart and soul into the production. We had so much fun on set. I had hoped to carry this feeling of exuberance around the globe to the openings of this movie.

You are part of a political, socialist family that fled the Pinochet regime in Chile. What do you remember from back then?

My sister and I were born in Chile, but I was only nine months old when we claimed asylum in Denmark. From there, we moved to San Antonio in Texas, where my dad worked as a doctor in a hospital.

Texas isn't exactly considered to be socialist utopia. How well did you settle in?

San Antonio isn't a cowboy city but rather very diverse with large Asian, Afro-American and Latino communities. In my memory it's a romantic place, culturally inclusive. The cultural shock only hit when we moved to Orange County in California later. Suddenly, the environment was white, preppy and conservative.

How were you welcomed in California?

To this day I'm ashamed when I think about how I let my classmates call me Peter without correcting them. I'm Pedro. Even without growing up in Chile, the country and language are part of me. I was quite unhappy in that place. At least I was able to switch schools and visit one in Long Beach, where I felt more comfortable. With its theatre programme, I found my path.

Could you visit your family's homeland as a child?

Yes, after my parents ended up on a list of expats that were permitted to re-enter the country. First, there was a big family gathering, then me and my sister were parked at some relatives' place for a few months while my parents returned to Texas. They probably needed a break from us. They'd had us at a very young age, had a vibrant social life, and my mother was doing her doctorate in psychology.

Was your mother a typical young psychologist that tested her knowledge at home?

You mean whether I was her lab rat? Absolutely. I can remember weird sessions camouflaged as games, where someone would watch my reactions to different toys. Even though I couldn't have been older than 6, I knew what was happening. My favourite thing was to be asked about my dreams. That was always a great opportunity to make up fantastic stories.

Was that your first performance?

Definitely! My strong imagination alarmed my mother, because I'd rather live in my fantasy world than in real life. I didn't like school. I ended up in the "problematic kid" category. At some point the subjects got more interesting and my grades improved. So many children are unnecessarily diagnosed with learning disabilities without considering that school can be daunting. Why is it acceptable to be bored out of your mind in class, when there are more stimulating ways to convey knowledge?

With everything happening in the world this summer: Do you believe that social hierarchy structures are genuinely being reconsidered?

Hopefully. After the lockdown my first contact with people was at the Black Lives Matter protest. The atmosphere was peaceful and hopeful until the police got involved and provoked violence. At least during these times we can't avoid problems or distract ourselves from them as easily as we usually do. It seems that the pandemic provided us with a new sense of clarity: we don't want to go on like this.

The trailer of "Wonder Woman 1984" represents the optimism of the 80s. That almost makes one feel nostalgic nowadays.

That holds true. It's two hours of happiness. Patty Jenkins, the director, managed to make a movie full of positive messages. We shot in Washington, D. C., then in London and Spain - which now sounds like a different time.

Do you miss travelling?

I've only now realised what a privilege it is to just pack up your things and fly anywhere. With an American passport you can travel freely. And that's why the small radius we live in now is kind of absurd. Over the last few years I often retreated in between takes, because I was always on the road and overstimulated. Friends complained about how comfortable I had become. We all took social interactions for granted and realise now how reliant we are on human connection. Now, I wistfully think about all the party and dinner invitations I declined in the past.

In L. A., people spend more time indoors or in nature than in other metropolises. Could this city become your safe haven after New York City?

My true home is my friends. Ever since I was young I've lived the life of a nomad and haven't set roots anywhere. Until recently, my physical home was a place for arriving and leaving and hence I didn't want to overcomplicate living by owning lots of things. The opposite actually: Without having read Marie Kondo's book, I got rid of all the stuff that was unnecessary and lived a very minimalistic lifestyle.

Is there something you collect or could never say goodbye to?

Books! I still own the literature I read during my teen and university years. Recently I found a box of old theatre scripts and materials back from my uni days at NYU. I can't separate from art either, same as lamps or old pictures. Furniture and clothes are no problem though, they can be chucked.

Do you remember any roles that were defined by their costumes?

Yes, "Game of Thrones" comes to mind immediately. During that time I first understood what it means, as an actor, to be supported by a look. I owe that to costume designer Michele Clapton. She developed these very feminine robes and brocade cloaks for my role that looked very masculine when I wore them. I felt sexy in them. And very important were of course Lindy Hemming's power suits and Jan Sewell's blond hair for the tycoon villain Maxwell Lord in "Wonder Woman 1984". Relating to the style, I couldn't really see myself in the role since the shapes and colours of the 80s don't really fit my body. My type is the 70s.

Do you adopt such inspirations into your private closet?

At this point in time, I'll choose any comfortable outfit over a cool look. Sometimes I mourn the days when I defined myself with fashion. It's a bit mad when I think about how, in the 90s as a teenager, I would go to raves; a proper club kid with crazy outfits: overalls, chute trousers, soccer shirts and a top hat like in "The cat in the hat knows a lot about that!" by Dr Seuss. Later in NYC I was part of a group that placed immense value on wearing a certain style. The fact that I only walk around in joggers nowadays is actually unacceptable!

Normally, actors who work on comic screen adaptations become bodybuilders and eat ten boiled chicken breasts per day. You don't?

My body wouldn't be able to handle that. I find it difficult enough to maintain a minimum level of fitness. As of your mid 40s, you suddenly need a lot more discipline. Until the tooth incident happened, I worked out a couple of times a week with a trainer to keep the quarantine body in shape.

What would annoy you the most, if you were your own roommate?

I can be very bossy. I have to gather all my goodwill not to force my movie choice on to everyone else. When I want something, I'm not passive aggressive about it, I attack head on. Also, I can get caught up in tunnel vision: When i feel down, I can't imagine that I'm ever going to feel better again. I have difficulty with seeing the bigger picture when experiencing problems or emotions. Method acting really wouldn't be my thing. That's why I try to only work on projects that feel good and where people encourage and lift each other up.

While you were trying on the outfits you pointed out a lack of self-esteem. How does that coincide with your career?

Isn't it interesting how traits and circumstances go hand in hand? Self-esteem comes from the inside, but it's also influenced by what society believes. We use critical stares from the outside against ourselves. I lived in New York for 20 years, I studied there and worked as a waiter up until my mid 30s, because I couldn't live off acting. It was always so close. The disappointment of always just barely missing a perfect part or opportunity is exhausting. When is the right time to stop trying and what's plan b? That's not just a question actors ask themselves, but anybody who struggles to earn a livelihood - unrelated to how much potential they have or how close their dream may seem. We are beginning to see now how our narrow definition of success is destroying our communities. At the same time, it's becoming obvious that, until this day, your family background and skin colour determine your chances of living a dignified existence.

What are the positives of becoming a leading man later in life?

I have the feeling that I've got control over my life - without the pressure of having to accept projects or be a social media personality. That surely also has to do with the fact that I'm a man. Women are surely pressured to appear quirky at any age.

Life is always a management of risks - especially at this time. For what would you risk losing something?

Usually, if you don't play the game you're not going to win anything. That applies to friendship, love, work, creativity. Anything that really means something to me, is worth the risk.

Wonder woman 1984 will appear in cinemas 01.10. The 800 million dollar earning DC comic franchise is moving into the New York 80s with its sequel. It looks spectacular - only Pedro Pascal with blond hair in a three piece Wall Street suit looks better.

#pedro pascal #gq germany #Gq

73 notes · View notes

zeldasayer · 4 years ago

Text

I transcribed and translated Pedro’s interview from GQ Germany for all of us. I tried translating as good as possible but bear with me, English is not my mother tongue. By @sixties-loser

Pedro Pascal, the star from “Game of Thrones”, “Wonder Woman” and “The Mandalorian” talks about becoming an adult, film, fashion, corona – and a painful surgery in the exclusive GQ interview.

It seems almost eerie how empty the streets of LA are in the sunshine. Meanwhile a new normality seems to be coming to Europe, most people in L.A. are still cutting their own hair. Many have not seen their friends for half a year. The pandemic is out of control. The reaction towards it too. Inviting someone into their garden for a “distance drink” can cause the same distress as suggesting to switch spouses.

Therefore, it was particularly surprising that Pedro Pascal immediately accepted. He accepted the drink, not to switch spouses. He is one of the rising stars and newcomers this year – if it wasn’t for corona sending the whole film industry into a forced vacation, there would most likely not have been time for said drink. After having his skull crushed in “Game of Thrones” followed the lead role as a DEA agent hunting Pablo Escobar in “Narcos” in 2015 and now he is stepping towards big Hollywood films. From the 1st of October onwards the Chilean-born actor will be starring in the blockbuster “Wonder Woman 1984”. Moreover, the second season of the “Star Wars”-series “The Mandalorian” on Disney+ starring him as the lead is going to air in October this year – but he will be underneath a helmet. Well, we all are under a helmet in 2020 in one way or another. We want to meet the man who a few years ago still worked as a waiter in New York, whose parents were political refugees who found asylum in Denmark and settled in Texas and whose son one day signed up for a theatre group in High School.

Then, the cancellation! While we were in the middle of fixing up the house and the garden for the drink with Pedro and organizing the fashion shoot, which was not easy considering the safety measures in L.A., his management called with an unfortunate message: Pedro – no, not sick with corona – had to get emergency surgery because of a damaged tooth and was lying in bed with a swollen face that was hindering him from speaking and taking pictures. The sun is shining onto empty streets. And our empty garden.

A few days later he nonetheless arrived at our front door without a swollen face but still with threads in his mouth. He was not chauffeured by a limo-service but he came with his own car – he even picked up his make-up artist. He is helping her carrying all of her utensils into the house and declares: “I’ve got time today!”. What a celebrity! It seemed like we did not want to ask him how he made it to the A-List of Hollywood but he wanted to ask us how we made it to the A-list. Pedro Pascal! Yes, what kind of a celebrity?

Pedro Pascal: Sorry for messing with your plans. The surgery was an emergency.

GQ: Really? We were wondering whether the swelling wasn’t the product of a secret visit to the plastic-surgeon. Apparently, they are drowning in work because of the quarantine in Hollywood.

PP: I have to disappoint you. A few days before our appointment I was rushing to the hospital with a fractured tooth and the worst pain in my entire life – a hospital in which treats people with severe cases of corona. I was unable to reach any dentist! Right in front of the parking lot a specialist called me back. The pain was hell despite the ten injections I got. The doctor said I was not an exception because a lot of people are grinding their teeth because of all the stress.

GQ: What are you most afraid of at the moment?

PP: How the government is handling the pandemic is worrying me more than the virus itself. This shortage of intelligent management of the crisis is a moral shame. The leadership crisis in this country is turning us all into orphans – destitute and abandoned.

GQ: How did you spend your time over the last few months?

PP: I spent it with frozen pizza and sweatpants in Venice Beach. I live in a rear house that’s in a family’s garden. Actually, there are a lot of good takeout places nearby but for some reason I just love pepperoni pizza from the supermarket.

GQ: That does not really sound like movie star-lifestyle. What does it feel like being suddenly stopped from top speed to zero?

PP: Regarding what is going on around the world one should hold back one’s own mental turmoil. I would be lying if I was saying that I am not disappointed. The whole team put a lot of heart and work into the production of “Wonder Woman 1984”. We had a lot of fun on set. I wished to travel around the world and introduce the film with the same lively energy.

GQ: You come from a politically engaged, socialist family that fled from the Pinochet-regime in Chile. What do you remember from that time?

PP: My sister and I were born in Chile but I was only nine months old when we first found asylum in Denmark. From there we quickly came to San Antonio in Texas where my dad started working as a doctor at the university clinic.

GQ: Texas is not known as a socialist utopia. How did you assimilate?

PP: San Antonio is not a Cowboy-town but very diverse with big Asian, black and Latino communities. I remember it as a romantic place, culturally open. The culture shock only came as we later moved to range county in California. There the atmosphere was suddenly white, preppy and conservative.

GQ: How were you received in California?

PP: I’m still ashamed of the fact that I did not correct my classmates when they kept on calling me Peter. I am Pedro. Even if I didn’t grow up in Chile the country and the language are still a part of me. I was very unhappy in that environment. However, I was fortunately able to go to another school close to Long Beach where I felt more comfortable. Through the theater group at that school I found my way.

GQ: Were you able to visit Chile as a child?

PP: Yes, when my parents made it to the list of expatriates that were able to travel to Chile without consequences. First, there was a big family reunion and then my sister and I stayed there for a few months with relatives while my parents went back to Texas. They likely needed a break from us. They got us when they were very young, had a buzzing social life and my mother was obtaining a PhD in psychology.

GQ: Was your mother a typical young psychologist who wanted to apply her theoretical knowledge at home?

PP: You mean, whether I was her guinea pig? For sure! I remember strange tests and sittings that were disguised as games where someone was watching me react to different toys. I cannot have been older than six but I was already aware of the dynamic. My favourite thing was being questioned about my dreams. That was a wonderful opportunity to come up with fantastic stories.

GQ: Was that your first performance?

PP: Of course! My mother worried about my strong imagination because I was living in my own fantasy world rather than reality. I hated going to school. I was always categorized as the troublemaker. At one point, the topics at school became more interesting and my grades also went up. There are so many kids that are unnecessarily diagnosed with learning disabilities without considering that school can be abhorrent. Why is it so accepted to be bored in class when there are so many stimulating ways to convey knowledge?

GQ: Considering al that has happened this summer around the world: Do you believe that we can seriously demand social change now?

PP: I Hope so. After lockdown, the first time I went out was to protest for “Black Lives Matter” on the streets. The energy was peaceful and hopeful until the police provoked severe conflicts. Nevertheless, we cannot run from problems like we used to this time and we cannot distract ourselves from them either. It seems like the pressure of the pandemic led to a new clarity: We cannot go on this way.

GQ: The “Wonder Woman 1984” Trailer revives the optimism of the 1980’s. From today’s point of view, it seems almost nostalgic.

PP: That’s right. You really are happy for two hours. The director Patty Jenkins created a film full of positive messages. We shot in Washington D.C., then in London and Spain – this sounds like I am talking of a past time.

GQ: Do you miss traveling?

PP: I’m just now realizing the privilege of just packing up one’s stuff and being able to fly anywhere. An American passport used to guarantee unlimited travel. And that’s why it the small radius of our lives is actually unimaginable. Over the last years I often retreated for a break after shootings because I was constantly on the move and overstimulated. My friends were already complaining I had become too comfortable. We all took social contact for granted and are only realizing now how dependent we actually are on human contact. Over the last weeks I often longingly thought about all the parties and dinner invitations I declined.

GQ: In L.A. people spend more time at home or nature than in other metropolises that are more geared towards public life. Could this city become your second home after New York?

PP: My Real Home are my friends. I have been a nomad since I was little and I do not have a place where I have put down roots. Up until not long ago my physical home was a place in between departure and arrival. Therefore, it was something I did not want to complicate through the accumulation of stuff. On the contrary: Without having read Marie Kondo’s book I have freed myself from excess baggage over the last few years and I lived relatively minimally.

GQ: Is there nothing you collect or something you just can’t throw away?

PP: Books! I even still have the literature I read when I was a teenager and when I was in college. Recently, I stumbled upon a box full of old theatre manuscripts and materials from my time at the New York University. I also cannot part from art easily, just like I cannot part from lamps or old photos. On the other hand, I can easily get rid of furniture and clothes.

GQ: Do you remember roles that were really only completely defined through the costume?

PP: Yes, I am particularly thinking about “Game of Thrones”. At that time I understood for the first time what it meant to be supported by a look. This is thanks to the costume designer Michele Clapton. She created very feminine robes and brocade coats for my character that nevertheless looked masculine when worn and I felt very sexy in them. Of course, Lindy Hemmings power-suits and Jan Swells bleached hairstyle for the tycoon-villain in “Wonder Woman 1984” were very important as well. At first I did not really see myself in the role because the cuts and colors of the 80s do not really fit my body. I’m more the 70s type.

GQ: Do you incorporate those inspirations into your personal wardrobe?

PP: In my free time I choose comfort over a cool look these days. Sometimes I miss the times when I expressed myself through a certain style. It is hard to imagine that I went to Raves as a teenage in the 90s; I was a real club kid with ridiculous outfits: overalls, balloon pants, football shirts and a top hat, like in Dr.Seuss’s “Cat in a Hat”. Later in New York I was hanging out with a group of people that felt it was very important to have a certain style. The fact that I am basically only wearing sweatpants everyday is actually tragic.

GQ: whoever plays roles in comic book adaptations becomes a bodybuilder and eats ten chicken breasts a day. You don’t?

PP:My body would not agree with that. It is hard enough to stay in shape normally. When you’re in your mid-forties you have to live with a lot more discipline. Up until before my tooth-incident I worked out with a trainer in my garden multiple times a week to keep the quarantine body in check.

GQ: Apart from the personal trainer, are you in a steady relationship?

PP: I am not ready for that yet. Maybe at some point I will be but until then I’ll let it be. I can’t even offer you absurd corona dating stories.

GQ: What would annoy you the most if you were your own roommate?

PP: I can be quite controlling. I have to conjure all my humanity to prevent myself from going through my entire film collection. When I don’t want something I cannot keep it to myself or be passive-aggressive, I always have to take it to the frontlines. Other than that, I tend to have tunnel view: when I am not feeling well I cannot imagine to ever feel better again. I have trouble relativizing my emotions or to wave off problems. Method-acting would really not be for me. This is why I try to only work on projects that feel good, where there is mutual support and encouragement.

GQ: When we were trying on the clothes earlier you spoke of a lack of self-confidence. How does that get along with a career like yours?

PP: Isn’t it interesting how these characteristics and circumstamces relate? Self-worth comes from inside but it is also influenced by what society values because we often internalise the public gaze. I have lived in New York for 20 years, I studied there and made a living by working as a waiter until my mid-thirties because the theatre and film jobs I got did not pay the bills. There were so many times I was almost there. The disappointment of having missed the perfect role or opportunity by a hair’s width can be crushing. When should you give up and what is plan B? That is a question that is not only on many actors‘s minds but also on many others minds who struggle for a living – no matter how much potential they have or how close they seem to be to the top. We are seeing now how our narrow definition of success destroys society. At the same time, we are realizing that where we come from and the color of our skin still decide whether we can exist with dignity.

GQ: What are the positive aspects of a relatively late success as leading-man?

PP: I feel like I can decide over my own life without the pressure of having to accept projects or to have to present a certain identity on social media. This is for sure also because I am a man. Regardless of age, Women have to try harder to stand out.

GQ: Life always consists of risk management – now more than usual. For what would you risk losing something?

PP: Generally, when you never risk something you might never get ahead. That is for friendship, love, work and creativity. I have to be ready to take risks for the things that really matter to you.

#pedro pascal #THANK YOU MY LOVE!#submission

270 notes · View notes

randomoranges · 4 years ago

Text

more self indulgent teacher au. if only i had an edward to comfort me. i wish the incidents weren’t watered down events i lived through.

Teacher AU

Bad Day

Being a specialist teacher can be a lonely job, Étienne finds, but there are pros, just like there are cons. One of the pros is that he doesn’t have recess supervision. At least, at the school he works at, the specialists do not cover recess, seeing as each teacher does their own. One of the cons is that he has no excuse to go out and get some fresh air; he’s stuck between the four walls of the school for the entire day, caught up in his work and never ending prepping. He doesn’t mind so much when it’s winter and it’s cold out and usually, when the weather’s decent, he’s good about sitting outside for lunch, when he’s not swamped with preparations for his classes. It’s easier when he and Edward make a point of sitting out together – get away from the chaos and the demand of their job, even if only for a few minutes. Edward’s good at pushing him away from the cutting board and paint rack and getting him to eat something and take a break.

There’s a park near the school they like to go to, where they bring a picnic blanket and sit under a shaded tree. It doesn’t change anything from the packed lunch, but even if they don’t talk much, simply enjoying the quiet breeze of the shifting leaves in the trees, is nice.

Today is not one of those days.

It’s grey and cold out and he’s miserable already, but he shoves his hands deep inside his pockets and walks aimlessly through the playground. He hunkers down in his coat and scarf and regrets not putting on his hat.

“Étienne? This is a surprise,” Edward says when he sees him. His boyfriend approaches him and Étienne reads the layers of concern that play across Edward’s face as he gently tells some of the students who follow him like little ducklings to go play elsewhere, since he needs to discuss something with M Étienne.

“Yeah; needed some air,” He says it in that dismissive air of his he’s convinced has everyone fooled, but Edward knows him better and his frown only deepens.

“Are you okay?”

There’s a reason Étienne is out during morning recess. He knows Edward’s recess coincides with the end part of his break and he likes to tell himself that he only needs a little break – only needs to see a familiar face, before he can go back in and face the madness that waits for him. One more period and then lunch, two more periods and then the day is over. Three hours and he can go home. Three and a half hours before he can curl up in his bed and sleep this day off if he so desires. (But there’s prep and grading and emails to send and respond to. Dinner needs to be made, lunches need to be packed. He needs to shower, there’s accumulating laundry and the dishwasher might need to be emptied out – again! He’d like to sit and curl by Edward’s side, watch TV with him and unwind for twenty minutes before they call it a day and go to bed; bone tired, exhausted, burning from both ends. He knows he’ll do only the first part of his long list of things that need to be done – he’ll get to dinner and the rest will be a gamble.)

“Yeah – I’m fine. Fresh air and all. Can’t stay cooped up all the time!” He offers Edward a smile that’s too bright and doesn’t reach his eyes. It cracks over his face like the ice that crunches under their feet. Edward pulls Étienne behind a tree where there are less kids playing and the concern writes itself all over his face.

“Étienne – what happened?” His tone is a little more firm this time and maybe it’s what makes Étienne’s charade break and crack enough for a sliver of truth to come out.

“It’s – it’s no big deal. It was a bad morning. It’s not my first bad morning. Forget it, I didn’t mean to bother you with this. I have to go back in anyways. I have class in a bit.” He tries to step out of Edward’s hold, but Edward tightens his grip on his arm.

“You wouldn’t have come to find me if it was nothing.” Edward looks at his watch and curses under his breath. It looks like recess is over as he takes out his whistle. “We’re not done. I’ll come and see you at lunch and we’ll talk about it.”

“No – it’s fine. You have science club at lunch today. Forget it, okay? It’s fine.” This is why he internalises his issues, he thinks. He hates bothering Edward with his problems; especially when Edward drops everything to make sure he’s okay. Edward has his own shit to deal with; his own twenty-eight students and their moods and fancies.

“I’ll move it to tomorrow. Look – whatever it is, we’re talking about it and it’ll be okay, okay? I will have lunch with you and we will talk about it.” He gives Étienne’s arm a gentle squeeze this time and then steps out from behind the tree. He whistles, calls his group over, and starts heading back towards the double doors. Étienne catches his gaze and he reads everything he knows Edward would have told him if he could.

Étienne sighs and trudges back inside, greeting a few students who call out to him on the way in.

Somehow or other, he makes it through to lunch and for as much as he wants to sit in the quiet of his room with Edward, he’d also want to be left alone to wallow. Instead, right on time, the door to the room opens; Edward walks in, locks it behind him, and comes to take his usual seat on the couch at the back of the room.

The couch, according to most students, is probably one of the coolest bits about the room and Étienne lets his students hang out by it at the end of class if they’re done with their work. The couch was Edward’s, but when they moved in together, a few years back now, they’d gotten a new one, since Edward’s was old and ancient. Still, with a cover over it, it looks almost new and it’s a perfect place to have lunch when one is overwhelmed.

Edward finds him on the couch and sits beside him. He makes no comment about the red of his eyes or the faraway look on his face, but he opens up their lunch and hands Étienne a sandwich wedge, glad it was sandwich day and not something more elaborate that required utensils and microwaves.

Edward forces him to take a bite of the sandwich and a sip or two of water, before he breeches the conversation Étienne has been running away from since recess. “Can you tell me what happened? Please? I know something happened; I see it in your face...”

Étienne plays with the wrapper of the sandwich. He does that thing where he fusses with the cuffs of his sleeves and twists and turns the material around his thumbs. Soon, he’ll start fidgeting, from his feet that’ll twirl around his ankles, to the shifts in his shoes, until he’ll crumble on himself in a mess.

“It’s – it’s nothing now. I’m just tired. It’s been a shit morning. I’m exhausted and I just – it’s fine. The day’s almost over, let’s just have lunch, okay?”

Now that they’re behind closed doors, Edward can reach for his boyfriend’s hand and give it a gentle squeeze. He can pull him in close and rub his back and Étienne can bury his face in Edward’s chest and allow himself to safely come apart. Edward knows to wait. Edward knows to hold Étienne close as his shoulders start shaking and trembling and soon the deluge of what happened finally comes through.

“I hate it. I hate this. I keep trying and nothing ever works. I had my two terrible groups this morning. Back to back. And I told myself it would be fine. I tried to be calm and patient. I really did. But I just – I’m not clicking with them and it’s hard. I give them consequences and they just – they don’t care. It’s like they’re laughing in my face. The first group – I sent them to paint, and then half of them are running around, another’s painting the fucking table and then two fucked up all my paints because they mixed the colours in the jars. Then, when it was time to pick up, it’s even worse. I had to send three kids out, but of course then they start fucking off in the corridor, even though two were supposed to go see the VP, but instead they were bothering the other kid and then of course, being noisy. Meanwhile, I have twenty-nine others in class! And of those, I ask them to pick up, but it’s like social time for them, so they’re just chit chatting and meanwhile I have another group coming in eight minutes.

The classroom was a mess. There was paint on the tables. Water all over the floor. I nearly tripped. And then I lost it. I snapped. I yelled at them. And – I hate yelling – I never want to yell at them, but they just – they got to me. I’ve talked to them, I’ve talked to the TES, to the teacher, to the principal and everything I try is garbage. I’ve written to the parents, I’ve called the parents and nothing ever changes. I’m already tired and it gets worse. From period to period. Mondays feel like never ending Thursdays and it’s only the start of the week.

And then it got worse. I had my second group. And they’re an okay group, except for three kids. One in particular. And she – you know, they tell you to call in the TES, and so I did, because she was running around in class, yelling, screaming, disturbing everyone else, and I tried – to go up to her gently, to ask her to stop, to help me, to whatever, but she just – fucking walked away every time and then she – was jumping up on the chairs and then – she – she kicked another kid’s chair, who fell, who hurt her head, so I called the TES and – you would think they’d send someone, given the circumstance, and I get they’re busy; it’s a big school – but no one came. I had to deal with her, the others, the other two who were disorganising themselves, conduct the lesson, get the others on task and – I can’t. I feel like a piece of shit every time I have these groups. I’m tired. I’m so tired and drained and empty. This isn’t teaching. This isn’t what it’s supposed to be. This isn’t what I signed up for. To be treated like garbage. To have to deal with this every fucking day.”

It comes out in a long stream of worries and feelings of helplessness and unfortunately, Edward has heard these tales far too often. Unfortunately, he has similar tales of his own. It’s the reality of the job, they say, but why must it be this way? Why is it that at the end of one day of work they get home exhausted and drained? Why is it that they get paid for thirty-hours of work when in reality they do double the hours for the same pay? It’s only November and it already feels like they’ve been in this marathon for longer and he wonders when will it end? How much will they be able to give and how much will be taken from them?

There isn’t much he can do, but he does hold Étienne tighter and kiss the top of his head. He lets Étienne express everything it is that he’s kept inside, let’s him go off on tangents related to their work conditions and lends him an ear and a safe place to come apart and gather himself. If it were up to him, he’d call it a day and pack up. Pack up and head home, shut the lights and curl up in bed, but since they can’t, he comforts Étienne as best he can and hopes that the afternoon will be better.

Hopes that they’ll find the courage, will, and energy to keep going. To make it through the next period and then the next day. The next week and the next month, until they start all over again.

FIN

#pc: montreal #pc: edmonton #edward murphy #étienne maisonneuve #au #ficlet #3 sentence fic meme thing #teacher au #teaching is hard

2 notes · View notes

blackkudos · 5 years ago

Text

Ananda Lewis

Ananda Lewis (born March 21, 1973) is an American television personality, model and social activist. She was an MTV veejay from the late 1990s until 2001, when she left the network to host her own broadcast syndicated television talk show, The Ananda Lewis Show.

Biography

Early life

Lewis was born on March 21, 1973, in Los Angeles, California. She is of African American and Native American descent, specifically of the Creek and Blackfoot tribes. Her name means "bliss" in Sanskrit. Lewis's mother worked as an account manager for Pacific Bell, and her father as a computer-animation specialist. Her sister, Lakshmi, is a physician. Lewis's parents divorced when Ananda was two years old, and her mother moved with her daughters to San Diego, California, to be near her own mother. Her mother took an extended trip to Europe to escape the pain of her failed marriage, leaving Ananda and Lakshmi with their grandmother. During her absence, which lasted less than a year, Lewis felt abandoned. She states:

It was like she nurtured me and carried me in her womb and then completely left."

Lewis often fought with her mother while growing up and rarely saw her father, who had remarried. Lewis and her grandmother also frequently "locked horns" while she was growing up.

Lewis struggled with a speech impediment, stuttering until she was eight years old. In grade school she earned a reputation for outspokenness; her comments provoked her teachers' ire or, less often, their amusement. In 1981 Lewis entered herself in the Little Miss San Diego Contest, a beauty pageant, and won. During the talent portion of the competition, Lewis performed a dance routine, which she had choreographed herself, to Stevie Wonder and Paul McCartney's ballad "Ebony and Ivory." After her win, Lewis attracted the attention of a talent agent and began working in local theater productions and on television. In fourth grade she enrolled at the San Diego School of Creative and Performance Arts (SCPA), a public magnet school, where she remained for nine years. At the age of thirteen, Lewis began volunteering as a tutor and counselor at a Head Start facility. Lewis was inspired by the work and decided to become a teacher or a psychologist, with the goal of helping young people. However, Lewis's family urged her to follow a more lucrative career path specifically law. She majored in history at Howard University, in Washington, D.C., from which she graduated, cum laude, in 1995.

Personal life

Lewis has credited her mother, grandmother, and sister for providing her with a positive, supportive environment. By her own account, as she grew older she felt increasingly upset by her parents' divorce. In adulthood, Lewis has healed her rifts with both parents. Lewis was a good friend of singer and actress Aaliyah before her accidental death. She has six godchildren. In 2011, Lewis gave birth to a boy, her first child. She currently resides in the San Fernando Valley.

Career

Early career

Throughout college Lewis had volunteered as a mentor with the group Youth at Risk and at the Youth Leadership Institute. She was considering attending graduate school to pursue a master's degree in education when she learned that auditions were going to be held for the job of on-screen host of BET's Teen Summit. She states that the children she was working with that summer were the main ones pushing her to go to the auditions. She states:

The kids said, "You better go audition for that show. You don't have a job, and this job is almost over."

Lewis's audition would be a success and she became the host of Teen Summit. For three seasons she discussed serious issues affecting teenagers for a television audience of several million. The show's topical, debate-driven format enabled Lewis to follow her passion for helping young people, and use her skills she had acquired at the performing-arts school in San Diego. Lewis is known for having the courage to openly discuss taboo subjects without flinching. Her executives knew that this kind of gumption was the right stuff for a live show host," In 1996, on an installment of the show entitled "It Takes a Village," Lewis interviewed then-First Lady Hillary Clinton, whose book with that title had been published earlier in the year. Also in 1996 Teen Summit was nominated for a CableACE Award, and the next year the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP) presented Lewis with an Image Award for her work on Black Entertainment Television (BET). Soon afterward the cable network MTV offered Lewis a position as a program host and video jockey. The thought of leaving Teen Summit was painful for her; indeed, several sources quoted her as recalling that she "cried for three weeks" while pondering her choices. In opting to move to MTV, the deciding factor was the possibility of greatly increasing the size of her viewing audience and, therefore, her potential for influencing America's youth.

Lewis hosted and VJed a variety of shows includingTotal Request Live, a daily top ten video-countdown show, and Hot Zone, which offered both music videos and Lewis's interviews of musicians and others. On one notable installment of The Hot Zone, she berated the rapper Q-Tip about the number of scantily clad dancers in one of his videos. In a reference to Lewis's broadcasting savvy, Bob Kusbit, MTV's senior vice president for production, told Douglas Century for the New York Times on November 21, 1999, "In the past our talent was sometimes just pretty people who could read cue cards. But when we brought Ananda to MTV, we decided we were going to do a lot more live television." MTV also called upon Lewis to host other, topical programs, including two MTV forums on violence in schools, which aired after the Columbine High School massacre and several memorial tributes for the singer Aaliyah, who perished in a plane crash in 2001. In 2001 Lewis earned another NAACP Image Award, for her hosting of the MTV special True Life: I Am Driving While Black.

In 1998, Lewis made headlines while at MTV when she announced, that she intended to remain abstinent for at least six months. She states:

I made the decision for selfish reasons, but I'm going public here because I realized I might be able to help other girls, too. I know the kind of drama that being sexually active brings to your life. I felt that if it was good for me to take a break, it might be good for other young girls, too. You see, I think I would be a whole different person if I hadn't had sex so early. Everybody was saying, "Do it!" but nobody ever said, "You don't have to do it". I think hearing that would have made a huge difference in my life.

Also during that period Lewis became a familiar presence at celebrity-attended events in and around New York City. "If you don't recognize the name Ananda Lewis, it may be because you're older than 23, or not a hip-hop star, or not a regular supplicant in the land of the velvet ropes," Century wrote at the height of Lewis's fame. "In the last year, Ms. Lewis has emerged as the hip-hop generation's reigning 'It Girl,' meaning she is not just an MTV personality but a woman whose looks and attitudes have made her perpetually in demand."

Later career

In 2000 People included Lewis on its list of the world's "50 Most Beautiful People." In 2001, Lewis decided to leave MTV in order to start her own talk show. The Ananda Lewis Show debuted on September 10, 2001, after much advance press in which Lewis was compared to Oprah Winfrey, the wildly popular talk-show host long considered to be one of the most powerful women of African American descent in television. Lewis continued to do special presentations for MTV after her show had begun. Lewis's series, which was syndicated by King World Productions, targeted women between the ages of eighteen and thirty-four by addressing such issues as domestic violence and breast cancer; it was billed as an alternative to the sensationalism and provocative offerings of Jerry Springer and Ricki Lake, whose talk shows were then dominating daytime ratings. Lewis's show aired on some WB and NBC stations before being canceled after one season. Her show's producers stated: "We started on a Monday and then there was the World Trade Center bombing the next day, and everything has become a mess since then," Roger King, the chairman and CEO of King World Productions and CBS Enterprises. Lewis then worked briefly for BET.

In 2004 Lewis became the chief correspondent on celebrity subjects for the nationally syndicated, nightly entertainment program The Insider, a spin-off of the popular Entertainment Tonight. In the spring of 2005, she interviewed Paris Hilton, Dylan Ryder, Don Cheadle and Ryan Phillippe (two of the stars of Paul Haggis's ensemble film Crash), and actress Dyan Cannon. Lewis herself has made guest appearances on several sitcoms.

In 2004 Ms. Lewis also appeared on the ABC network's reality show called Celebrity Mole: Yucatán. This reality series won an Emmy for Outstanding Achievement for Enhanced Television.

An avid animal lover, Lewis has served as co-host of the A&E television-network show America's Top Dog and as a spokesperson for the Humane Society. She has been known to frequently introduce her two pet chihuahuas to interviewers. She has also been a spokesperson for Reading Is Fundamental, a nonprofit literacy group.

#03/21

5 notes · View notes

coffethoughts · 6 years ago

Text

Thyroid

Chapter: My Thyroid is an Asshole

Hey I'm Thyroid and I'm an asshole.

Just kidding, thyroids can't talk.

I'm here to talk for it. To tell you what the doctors don't because you deserve to know your thyroid is in fact an asshole.

Many of you don't even know where or what a thyroid is, if you know it's in the neck, that is a good start, and if you can tell me what a thyroid does, then that is even better. Though Most of you can't, most of you have no idea what a thyroid does. I hardly knew, but it's basic though. It does everything. It is the sole purpose of your existence. I know everyone says your brain, heart, lungs etc. And yeah those are kind of big deals...But your thyroid controls those. Its the motherboard to the body. A little study session for us all:

Basic thyroid knowledge; The thyroid is a TWO INCH LONG (2 inches people, who says size matters) butterfly shaped gland in the front of your neck that controls your metabolism (we all know what a metabolism is right? Go google it if not, that’s not what this story is about) the thyroid is part of your endocrine system, which makes hormone chemicals. Those hormones help control many of your bodies functions. There are two hormones made by the thyroid gland that help regulate your metabolism, which helps break down what you eat to make energy. They can also effect how fast your heart beats, how deep you breath, whether or not you gain or lose weight, body temperature, cholesterol levels, women’s menstrual cycles and a lot more.

So to sum it up... If your thyroid decides to stop doing its job. You need to come to terms with it. You need to understand the changes your body will make, and it won't be easy. You're going to get irritated, tired, cranky, warm, possibly fat or skinny, mad, forgetful, agitated and you won't know why, half the time there is no “why”. I’ll tell you one thing, you need a good support system, someone who will research, listen, tolerate, help and care for you… I had that. That was the easiest part of going through all of this, still going through it. This change, the changes, the tests, the pills, the new ways of life will always change, you will change. Keep that support system, tell them what you’re going through, always talk about anything on your mind, do not do it alone, do not keep anything hidden. If it the right person, they will not judge, leave, embarrass, or dislike you.

Now I know I was a brat growing up, but who wasn't. I was a kid. I always had energy. Never depressed. No anxiety or care in the world. And you know what, maybe I do now because I'm older and the world is a tough place. Or maybe my thyroid is just an asshole.

Who knows.

What I do know is no matter the change, no matter what is happening I understand, and I can control it. I can’t change what happened, I can’t change that I no longer have one, or what happened to it. But I can control what happens in my life and how I deal with it.

Diagnosed at sixteen, tests until I was eighteen, let me tell you, scared of needles before, I'm not now. Poked and prodded to tell me what, that I have a "super common cancer" and it'll be an easy fix. HA! Imagine it was easy. I mean ok it was an easy fix to remove and to recover. Moving from the wheelie bed to the room bed… not easy. Try this just lay down on the floor and move, still laying, from one spot to the other and really focus on how much neck muscle you use… picture that after just having surgery.

Side note, to the person who paid for my single room, thank you, who ever you were, to the nurses that kept waking me up to take my blood who I saw at dairy queen and you remembered me, thank you. To the volunteers who gave me a card making craft book, thank you, to the family and friends who brought me teddys and magazines and books, thank you and to all the doctors involved in the surgery, the diagnosis, the tests, everyone. Thank you.

They didn't put in small print "side effects, everything you came to know about your body will change" The thing they don't tell you is it literally controls everything. The best thing now is to research, explain, ask questions, talk to others, take your medication, go to the check ups, learn how to deal with the changes, learn to identify what is you and what it your thyroid, learn to control, learn to talk about it.

Chapter; College

Last year (5 years after surgery) during my first year of college. 7 hours from home. I was tired all the time. I napped every day, if I didn't I was falling asleep in class. I forgot assignments and test answers even when I studied for days. I was also depressed and scared, worried, had little panic attacks, honestly didn't know why. I mean I was away from home and "alone" but I was happy.

I mean I have been forgetful my entire life, I was tested in high school for a learning disorder (thanks mom) and they said I was learning at a grade twelve level, in grade nine.. No big deal, just a genius is all… they said my issue was forgetting it all… two second forget… and I have had panic attacks and I’ve been anxious and all that fun stuff, but I was in a relationship I didn’t know how to be in at that time, or high school where everyone is mean, and I moved from home when I was young into a huge new province, so I thought I had reasons to be who I was. Then when I went to college, the “best years of my life” I wasn’t happy, or who I was and things were changing more and more and it was so confusing. I was so lost.

I started doing research. I looked up symptoms and causes and side effects and what thyroid cancer does because I didn't know. I was just told it had to be removed, who am I to argue with a doctor or mother. I read and read and read, I found out a lot. Full disclosure this is just a bunch of thoughts and words I threw out onto an old laptop, I am not in any way a doctor, therapist, smart person etc. I am just telling you my life story regarding my thyroid and journey. Do your own homework, your own research, talk to people, professionals, I have my own opinion and ways to deal with everything, and you can take what you like or need, but this is not a documentary, just a girl and a computer.

I can't tell you it gets better. Because so far it hasn't. But finding out how to control it and deal with it gets easier. Especially when you know it was the problem in the first place. I mean if the doctors told me all this shit would happen, I would have had a lot better relationship with my mother. Well maybe. It's kind of disappointing when people don't believe you because they can't "see" it. It is hard to have a relationship when you get in trouble a lot for things you can’t control or things you don’t understand. "Well I can't see your cancer, so it probably doesn't exist, you're just looking for attention"

Compassion maybe.. Attention, yeah obviously. Everyone needs/wants attention. We are wired that way, but I am not making things up to get it. I didn’t post on Facebook when I was in the hospital, I don’t go around shoving my scar in everyone’s face, I don’t bring it up at parties to get pitty… I am who I am.. the scar happens to be on my neck, some people see it some do not. Move on.

But I wouldn't sleep 24 hours a day and forget a conversation that happened five seconds ago (And I'm not over reacting) for attention. Mom? Did you hear that! I'm not just looking for attention!

Anyways… A good way to come to terms is to talk about it. I don't enjoy talking about cancer, but to talk with your parents, siblings, and partners is a good idea. Explain what you learned, or research it together,

But talk about it. Because it does help. Research it. Talk to a thyroid specialist. It does help. And if you are on that pill. Take it! Do not miss days. It really messes with your head.

Chapter Dating your thyroid

I had a boyfriend. We dated for almost a year, ended pretty badly in the new year. And I decided to change my life and get my license and go to college. I didn't want to be sad over the break up. Or end up cleaning houses for the rest of my life.

I had a boyfriend before I went to school. But he was more of a best friend. I broke up with him a lot. He pissed me off. Well he pissed off my thyroid. And my thyroid made me do it. Not sure if he'll ever understand because at that point in my life I had no idea why it was happening. And now that I know, it doesn't seem like a big enough deal to track him down just to tell him why I was a dink. (I just assume he thinks it's because I'm a woman)

In the end we broke up for good. A week after I went away for school. Something about trust and me being an asshole. Which mad me mad. But now I can't blame him because it was me. It's always me. And I am completely ok with that. Now. I wasn't before because I blamed everyone else. But after getting sick and tired of being sad and angry all the time. I figured out what the problem is. And my life got easier.

I mean once I get depressed. I can't stop being depressed. But I know it's not for any real reason and I can not really "control" but be at ease with it. I'm not confused. I'm not stressed on looking for answers. Or creating problems that aren't there. Anger I am working on. I've been working on. And I've grown so much with it. I've come a long way. But still have a long way to go.

Now that I understand all my flaws are connected to one giant non existent thyroid. It's "easier" to be in a relationship. Kind of. I still need to convince the other person "it's not you, it's my thyroid" but what kind of first date is that.. Hey I'm Carissa and my Thyroid left a while ago and now I have "thyroid issues""

(Daddy issues, thyroid issues.. Get it? I just laughed for five minutes straight)

Anyways. Dating aside I actually have an amazing boyfriend. The one I had the bad break up with. We reconnected over a summer and trying long distance. It's been different. We've both grown for the better. And now that I have a better understanding of all this, it's easier to hold my anger and change it when theres no real reason for me to be mad.

I remember this one fight. Ended in me leaving with out saying good night. And he texted me saying "I can't keep playing these games" and thats when I asked him to research Thyroid cancer. Thats when I decided to tell him the garbage I've gone through over the last 7 years. And he has been working with me and I him the entire time. We've had one minor fight. And some arguments. But nothing major enough to be unhappy. He's been so understanding and helpful.

And it helps when you have people who care and understand. People you can talk to. With out feeling judged.

Chapter Size matters.

Are you gaining weight or loosing it. Do you have a hard time loosing or gaining weight. Well then you could have a thyroid problem.. Or you just need to hit the gym. But most likely your thyroid is an asshole.

Society says hypocritical things every day about weight. Nothing will make everyone happy at once. And you think just because I'm skinny I have it all?! HA! I get picked on for my size a lot. I've been called everything from "skeletor" to "anorexic". Skinny people have feelings too. It's not my fault I'm this small, I'd love to put on some weight.

I remember this one time. I was at an amusement park at a water slide. You weren't allowed to wear shirts on this water slide. And why would you want to right? Well this girl who wasn't my size was told to remove her shirt. Her friends were a little bigger too, and as she walked all the way back down the stairs instead of taking off her top her friends started bad mouthing skinny people. Like somehow it was my fault I made her take her shirt off. They said things like "men like meat, not bones" knowing full well I was standing right there. I physically can not add weight unless I stayed pregnant for the rest of my life.. And you think I have anger issues now.. Imagine ‪24/7‬ pms for ever. No thank you.‬‬‬

So for a complete stranger to judge me on my body and have no idea what I have gone through and what I will go through for the rest of my life is unfair right? Well put on your big girl panties and get over it. Because nothing about life is fair. Once you except that. You'll be happier.

Maybe she goes home and thinks the exact same thing. I have no idea what she goes through. Maybe her thyroid is over active? Maybe she was made fun of or her parents got divorced and food is comfort. Because we were wired to think that way about food. Some peoples metabolisms are just faster.

What ever the case with those girls. Its their case to work through. And this is mine. I understand I will always be talked about. And I will talk about people. We all do it. I try not to, but once again we were wired that way. Born to judge, society made it "ok".

Judge me on my size, my inability to control my mood swings, my love or need of sleep. It doesn't effect me. It's my life now. And I don't want to waste anymore time on people who don't love me for who I am, not what I look like. Because we all know size really does matter. But what matters more is how you feel about yourself. And I feel pretty damn good. Most of the time. Sometimes my lack of thyroid chimes in and kills the happyness for a little. But I find my way back.

Chapter. Family and you.

Chapter. You an your body.

I've changed a lot over the years. I like meat now. I drink coffee, ginger ale. I don't drink pop much. I don't use much salt.

Chapter. School and me

Grade one.. I peed the chair. Now I can't blame this on my thyroid.. No one knows if I was born with it or it just happened. But we'll say for the sake of the story. That it was my thyroid.. My thyroid gave me anxiety. Fear of rejection. Fear of being humiliated. Like if I ask to use the washroom and the teacher says no..

I don't know why I didn't ask... But I didn't move until everyone had left.

Weird how you remember those things..

Grade five my ear was bleeding. And at that point, my teacher didn't care. That, I have no explanation for. I don't know why she was a grade A A-hole.

Six and seven were tricky.. I was put in french emerge.. Why? I don't know. I barely spoke english properly. When it was the end of grade seven the teacher said "if she stays in french we'll have to hold her back a grade, but we can move her forward if we switch back to english." So we moved to Ontario. And I went Into english. Where I might add I tested at a grade twelve level. Just couldn't remember anything that was taught. Which was extremely hard to deal with, because to this day my mom believes nothing I say when I use the words "I forgot". Dishes, clean my room, pick up my sister, a C on a test. It was hard to deal with.. Having someone who is suppose to be there for you just assume it was all made up. And even after the diagnosis and her hearing the "side effects" from a doctor.

Anyways. I was the worst for tests and terminology. My drivers test.. Four times. The lady new my name. Literally when I finally passed it after the fourth one. She looks up. Says "Carissa... You passed" with a big smile. And every one clapped, no word of a lie. Thats how bad it is.

(I actually forgot the word "terminology" for a few minutes"

It's even hard to tell this story because I can't say I remember much. As ironic as that is.

Going to school was hard. I was in my bubble. Honestly didn't have too many real friends. I was still shy to be my self. I cared what people thought. Am I ever happy that changed. I'm a lot happy knowing I am who I am. Realizing that I can't please everyone even if I tried. At school I was something I was not. Someone I despised. And I regret all of it. I regret not going to class. Not trying. Not studying. But guess who didn't get pregnant? This girl!

And I did graduate. And I guess I'm making it up in college. College is a lot easier then High School. Still drama, but that will be everywhere in life. We feed off it. Know that. And you'll be fine. College is less time spent in class, less cliques. More space. A lot of the days aren't straight through 8 to 3.

In college. I am who I was born to be. With friends and dreams and good grades. I am proud of what I accomplished. And knowing the whole memory thing. It's easier to try harder. And knowing I have to try harder just makes me more proud when I did better on a test then a class mate with a functioning brain.

A lot of people would use this as a "learning disability" and I don't blame them. I have thought about it. I just don't want "freebies" in life. I want to work for it all like everyone else. And people like to believe "if I can't see it, it's not real". I'd assume it'd be a lot of paper work prove.

Chapter Sometimes

Sometimes I am scared. Scared of every creek and sound the house makes. When I'm alone I lose my shit.

I won't move from the couch (usually where I am) and I'll call my roommates or mom (depends where I'm living) for them to come home. And I don't even care if they think I'm a child. At least I'd be a safe child.

Other times I'm not afraid of anything. Nothing. Like this One year I went to this haunted park in Toronto and this man in a mask came up to me to try and scare me while I was reading a sign. I was so miserable and mad that I said "I'm reading, why would you do that?" He apologized and walked away.. If it was an off day for me. I would have cried, And probably pee.Most definitely would have peed.

Sometimes I'm sad for no reason. Or sad for a certain reason. Sometimes though, For the same reason I could be happy, Or mad, Or jealous.

It is confusing for me and people I'm around. Say for instance, my boyfriend. He came to visit. You think I'd be ecstatic and jumping up and down. Nope. I was sad.. Unexplainably sad. And that's annoying. Because I wanted to be happy.

Anyways. So obviously we have had intercourse. I mean come on, Im 24. He's.. Uh I think he's 25? It happened. Well before it didn't hurt and I didn't cry.. Well let me tell you that went out the window. I cried, unexplainably and then I cried more because I didn't know I was crying.

I wish there was more consistency in my life. Perhaps I got to see my boyfriend every weekend. Not just.. Sometimes.. Or I never got cramps or a three day head ache before my "special time" instead of sometimes. So I could expect it. Or be able to explain why I cry sometimes. Why I get over jealous sometimes. Why I'm afraid... Sometimes.

Sometimes I just want to know. It's hard not knowing. It's hard blaming it on my thyroid all the time. To blame my thyroid sometimes would be a relief. Because then I would know what the reasons are for the feelings and emotions I get. Then sometimes I could control them. That'd be nice. Control. Even if it's only sometimes control.

Chapter Don't miss a day

Seriously. If you have had your thyroid removed and now on some synthetic pills. Take them.. Don't mess around. I went a week without them and went mental. I was miserable to be around, distant, boring, mopey and cried a few times for no reason. And it was during March break. It's hard to tell what's you and what's your thyroid anymore. I smartened up and took my pills. Went back to normal, well my version of normal

Chapter the blame game

Chapter me again

Chapter maybe my thyroid didn't do this one.

It's hard to tell sometimes. Oh it's life.. If it would have happened sans Thyroid dismissal. But all in all it's happening. I am lonely. I am sad. And sick and my anxiety is scaring me and I am thinking of ways out and I am frustrated and crying a lot.

I woke up the other day with the flu. I think anyways. Could be a number of things. I'm no doctor and I'm not about to waste a doctors time with a simple silly cold. But any who... I woke up. Was sick, threw up, couldn't sleep, threw up and had a great sleep. But the entire time. I was being lectured and nagged. Not coddled like I wanted to be. All I wanted was love and affection like when I was a kid from my mom. But when you're a grown up who ate too much chocolate and might be sick from it. You don't get coddled. You get scolded. Basically you go to hell if you eat junk. Don't do it... I've eaten much more chocolate then that and haven't thrown up because of it.

Maybe it's me. Maybes it's all of us. Or maybe it's my thyroid. But I want someone to care so much that If I runaway. They'd come find me, hold me and tell me it's ok... That's all I have ever wanted. When we fight. I just wanted you to walk down the street. Knock on my door and hug me. Forget all the bad words we said to each other. Forget the hate and anger. And just love again. That's all I want right now. Being sick. Not having my family. I need my other home. I need you

Carissa melvin

Chapter... forgot your pill?

Oh god... I don't even know if I'm me right now. Remember a few chapters ago I mentioned anger. And how it may or my not have controlled me... well. It's controlling me right now. I can't handle it. It's getting the better of me. I broke up with that guy. The guy that kept me safe and made me feel I had a purpose. I left him. While he was out of the country... and you know what. I don't regret it. Like ya.. congrats you made me feel safe... but you didn't make me feel happy. Not enough anyways. And staying with you for the 47% happyness and your family that I love isn't worth it. I get one life. I want it to be a happy one 99% of the time. Doing life for me or for an "us". Not for you..

Well anyways. Needless to say. Last five months was not easy with him going back and forth whether he hated me or liked me or loved me. It was a roller coaster I wanted off a long time ago. I'm off now. I am completely off that train so it's good in that aspect. And hey don't get me wrong. I learned a lot about relationships, my self and how to handle certain things... but then... I stopped taking my pill... and I just got mad, angry, emotional. I was rude to people who didn't deserve it. I cried in the shower for twenty minutes as it was off... because this apartment (side note. I love being on my own now and the shower sucks) that I live in gets about four minutes of Luke warm water until it's the arctic... every time.

So anyways. No pill. New guy friend. Pms/late period. Means so many fucking emotions I don't feel like dealing with. Oh and also getting yelled at by my ex constantly.

When you forget your pill. You forget everything and your memory goes to shit... worse than it already is now and then you forget your pill... it's a shit cycle... something I didn't think I'd have to deal with because I had that guy reminding me all the time. Well. New guy doesn't exactly know because it's not something I love telling people... haha! Besides the entire world with this book.. but if you look at the back of the book my picture isnt there.. it's my cat. HAHAHAHA SO.. it's not the same. Also. Do we even know if thats my real name? I don't know anymore.

So I was like "I'm gonna be single for a year" because I'm never single. And I want to be free and do whatever I want and hangout with whoever I want... and then new guy comes. And he is pretty perfect. Little immature. And not ready to be a full adult yet. But a couple more HP points and he can upgrade to adulthood maybe. But it's his choice and at his pace. It's not something I need from him.

He spit out the "L" word a few times. Different scenarios. Haha. Freaking me out also the amount of times he brings up "shitting on a chest". I'm not completely convinced he isn't "into it".

But also I've been mentioning the word a little too much... November 27th. It's now February 13th and I already feel so much love for this man. Now it's silly because I'm convincing myself it's love and not just the idea of him. As in he is so nice to me and what a human should be to another human, or he's just 100% better than the other guy so I love he feeling of being this wanted?!? Do you he that? Love and relationships are hard. But I do feel I do love him. I feel we can accomplish a lot, just scared because he isn't one for commitment, or sticking around as he's told me.

So I could walk away and never know or just risk my heart to see where it goes. Well I love him and he makes me happy. So I'll just enjoy the ride for now

Dealing with all this snow, my apartment issues, my family and making time for them, exam, work, money and whatever else life throws at me is a lot easier with a positive aspect in my life. Even if I'm not sure how taking my pill has been? It's been a while since I've filled a new prescription.. but I still have quite a few left.. it's hard to remember. Anything..

Well I went for the ride. Crashed the roller coaster into the ground. I was dumped.

Chapter ... what happened last night

So that’s what sexual assault feels like.

Was it my fault. Was I the only one to name. It feels like it was my fault. I told someone it was my fault. They didn’t disagree

I didn’t need to take those shots I was being pressured into taking. Being called a pussy because I didn’t want shots of tequila. More then once that night. I didn’t ask for all the other drinks given to me but I didn’t refuse them either. I didn’t ask to go to this guys friends house with only men there. Well let’s not call them men. They all watched as this ones hands went around my neck. No one said a thing. But is it there fault. The bruises on my ass. Is it there fault or one because of the position I was in.

I don’t know what else I could have done. At that point when it was too late. I know what to do next time. Don’t drink. Don’t go out. But I have I live my life in fear because of other people’s actions. I didn’t have to drink. But he didn’t have to put his hands on my neck. Under my shirt. Down my pants.

I don’t want to blame other people. But I don’t want to be blamed by everyone. One guy literally said.. you’re great and hot so you have to be careful. I’m sorry what? I’m hot so I have to be careful of what I do for how long? A few more years until I’m not hot. And what the hell does that mean. Like not hot people don’t get raped. Is that a joke? That’s the dumbest fucking thing I’ve heard...

It sucks man. The fucking stigma of everything.

Th stigma of depression. Blonde girls. Rape. Cutting themselves. Suicide. Drinking. Drugs. All of it. People go through so much in their lives. Stop judging everyone. I can’t come forward and tell you what happened because you’ll judge me that I put myself in that position.. you’ll judge me on what I wore. How I ended up there how much I drank. Not him. You don’t know him. He just saw an opportunity and took it.

Chapter; sleep... Not enough, or not sure what it is

I'm going through that phase again where I am up very late at night because I can't sleep. Now who is to say that this is because of my thyroid. It could very well be the coffee at 7:00 pm that I never drink, or sleeping in until 12:00 pm that I never do... But bottom line is. I can't sleep. And my boyfriend is the lightest sleeper. So that means he can't sleep either. And it's a real inconvenience for the both of us. But what am I suppose to do. I can't sleep. My brain is going one hundred miles an hour... It's hard to get out of. And to top that off I'm being a real bitch for some reason. Or no reason. Or the reason is.. You guessed it. My thyroid is a jerk.. Haha you thought I'd say asshole.

Anyways. Being a tired bitch is the worst combination besides children and guns or carrots and chocolate. It doesn't go well together. And no one wants to be your friend. So... What do I do. Well just keep being a bitch obliviously... And get dumped. And move back to your moms and get them to avoid you until your left with this giant dog biting at your toes and drooling all over you... Or I could pull up my big girl pants and put a smile on. Watch some cat videos.

I heard if you smile for ten seconds straight. You'll be happy. Instantly. I've only made it to 8 seconds so far. Then I find something to be pissed about... Like how loudly that guy breaths... Or that dumb five year old starring at me... Yet to determine if what I heard was true. But try it and let me know.

I've been thinking about sleep a lot lately. And maybe it's being an adult now and I have shit to do and worry about. But I'm tired all the time. Even when I'm sleeping. I can feel me being tired. Ok maybe that's not true. But I mean. I've fallen asleep at the wheel slightly. I've fallen asleep in class... I need naps. I use to crash after work in the car (back seat, not driving) and no matter how much I slept. I needed more. I literally went a year without seeing my family. I would go to work. Come home and sleep from five pm until 8 am the next morning and I'd be off to work again. It was awful and I couldn't help it. That wasn't enough sleep. 15 hours wasn't enough. And sometimes it'd be more. If I got home at two or three. I'd be sleeping until the next morning. Never really eating. Never socializing. No chores. It was awful. My sister didn't understand. She was mad at me for never hanging out. Like I fucked up on purpose like I wanted to sleep.. i didn’t want it, I neeeeded it.

It's crazy how people don't believe it if they can't see it. Like I was saying earlier. Like no one could believe that I could sleep that much. I can guarantee you that I am not awake right now because I slept in. It's either coffee, which it probably is, or just one of those nights. A phase. But people think they know everything. So if they think I've over slept, it's got to be the sole reason I am awake now. Not because I have one hundred things on my mind. Like how am I going to work tomorrow... How am I going to handle Thursday when I am going to get yelled at for sure. Money for shit sakes. That is a big topic. Sexual frustration. How no one believes in me. No one thinks I can be professional at work. Because I'm myself outside of my job. How is that even fair. You want me to be boring and wear a suit my whole life... Do you understand how long it took me to be myself... Years and I am still working on it. And now I'm being told not to do that... Well guess what. I can do what ever the fuck I want to do. And I am going to. I am also going to be a professional at work. Like I have been for the last six months.

New chapter

So I'm back to not sleeping... which really irritates me because I've been so good with my medication. You guy wouldn't believe it (I didn't plural "guy" because let's face it. Only my mom picked up a copy, and by picked up...I mean I gave her one. Shout out to mama bear) where were we. Oh yes. Medication. Going in almost two months straight. One day I missed it in the morning. But took them after I got home from work when I remembered. Also a lot less stressed leaving the bank.. wait did I even tell you I was at the bank. Let me go check....

Nope. Ok so I was a financial advisor. Almost two years. Nice pay checks. Nice clothes. Nice hours. Benefits. But I hated it. It was just so incredibly stressful. The amount of work that was expected from us. Golly. Well. I think I may have sabotaged my job there. I had an exam to do. Well I had three to do in one year. And I waited until the last moment to start studying. Took it three times and did not pass... the bank let me go immediately. Even though I've been working without that dumb exam for the past two years.... give me at least two weeks notice.... it's expected of me if I were to quit...ah welll. Who needs them. I'm back with my old boss. Cleaning houses but more so boats. I love cleaning boats. I love the water and being outside. Holy this old man. He's a decent age. early nineties maybe. Offered me a "Bump" cleaning his boat. I respectfully declined. I told my mom about it. And she thought it was a dance. And her friend thought it was sex. I set them both straight. And if you guys don't know... urban dictionary it.

Anyways. That stuff doesn't happen every day or every boat. Just the once since I started cleaning boats back in 2011.

A lot does happen though. Broke a glass table top all over a big yacht and the boat next to it. Almost lost my pinky toe. Been to creepy places. No water usually which is hard to clean a boat or anything with out. Solid memories. I love the outdoors. And a boat that you cleaned is something you can feel good about. It looks amazing when you're done because boats don't really stain. Except the old ones. You have to stay on top of them.

But anyways. Stress free. This is an easy job. I go to work. Do what I told and come home. No quotas. No goals. Just clean. Which I'm good at and enjoy. Win win.

But I hate telling people I clean houses. And moving back in with my mom... everyone is living with their parents which is fine, I don't judge or care. But I don't want to. I like my space and privacy. I like not wearing clothes or pajamas. And not cleaning up after my self right away. I'll get to it. But I use to be proud and shock people saying I worked at a bank and they go "teller" and I say no a financial advisor.

Side story. Some dumb dumb at a bar was like. Oh you're a financial advisor, advise me on what to do with this 80k. Like are you joking. He whips out his phone and shows me his bank account. And I just ramble like I can't see your entire portfolio. Like I have no idea at this point. But in my head... I was thinking. PUT IT TOWARDS YOUR 400,000 mortgage or ASK YOUR WIFE... the wanker. What was he thinking. I'd drop my drawers because i saw 80k? Next to a joint account and his mortgage. Good Job buddy.

Any ways. I'm cleaning boats, but only for a month. I think. I had an interview at a dream job of mine. And I got the job. But I'm at a dilemma. I met a guy... always the story eh. Well the guy would. It want me working. Anywhere. He's old fashioned. The man works. The women takes care of the home. Which is amazing. Fuck sexism. If you want me to clean and cook all day. I'll do that. I know I can work. That's all I need. And then got me thinking about this job offer.

I put so much, still putting money into school that I went to for hotel and resort management. I have a plan. 14 years. And it won't work with this guy. But I don't even know if I'll be good at my plan. I don't know if il be good at this job this summer. I can't fucking swim... the job is white water rafting instructor... it's a little important.and you have to be responsible for people's lives and it's a huge party scene. And I'm over that.. and then my plans for travelling... like... I don't think I'd be good at travelling alone. And frugally. Budget 4K for the season. Gone in two weeks.

It's just hard to make a decisions. Because what if... what if I'm great at the white water. What if I love it. And I love travelling and then I own a resort OneNote day. What if I suck. What if someone drowns because of me. What if I drown. But on the other hand.. if this guy doesn't work out... what then... I ruined my chances.. I messed up my plan. And I'm older.

3 notes · View notes

whythiscollegeessayxample920 · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

customwriting

About me

Essay Writing For University Application

Essay Writing For University Application Meticulous writing and champion time-management are the two perks that help beat the clock. Selling essays was illegal something like ten years ago. Simply be discreet about this and you won't get into any hassle. For instance, on our website, you can buy a new essay written by an excellent specialist for lower than $eight.ninety nine per page. This consists of matter research, writing, editing, proofreading, formatting, plagiarism verify, and comply with-up revisions. You don't should pay for background sources because discovering related literature is on the home. All research papers are subject to free revisions within days. We do it to make sure the utmost stage of satisfaction in your behalf. When a author completes your order, you're kindly asked to check it out and specific your opinion on whether or not you're fully glad or if there are adjustments to be made. After you have accepted the papers, the cost for the author will be released. To study more about it, simply read the Terms of Use section. We have 400+ writers with only the best scores, nice testimonials and a few years of writing experience. The solely distinction is that you'll get the work accomplished sooner however for a barely greater payment. Same as usual, no copy-paste, no hackwork, no tips. You can be taught more about our writers by checking their profiles beneath. Getting to know the professional who is going to care for your order permits you to make a nicely-informed decision, and choose the proper expert for your task. A highly reliable writer that at all times delivers plagiarism-free papers ahead of the deadline. As a one hundred% legit paper writing website we guarantee to fulfill your task from scratch throughout the subsequent 24 hours. An essay may be written in 1 hour, just say the word. I bought several papers here and all of them had been fantastic. Log in to your private account to trace the writing process. Also, you may be glad to know that greater than 35% of orders are carried out before the deadline and delivered to you earlier than deliberate. We cost no cash for early supply and solely wish that you're happy with how fast we had been capable of deliver your order. Note that despite the fact that you want a paper to be done at present, the writing high quality might be each-excessive. Urgent orders provide an equally excessive stage of high quality as those having a standard deadline. Don't hesitate to ask for revisions since they're free for a minimum of two weeks and help make the final draft as high-high quality as potential. They helped me with my essays so I had the time to check for exams. It’s an excellent resolution if you need to unlock some time. Convenient website, fast service, quality papers. To give you the most effective service they should be proficient within the language that you simply communicate and ensures the most effective work with no mistakes. Are you involved in regards to the grade you'll receive? When you buy a thesis, you shouldn’t have to be. Professional paper writers will offer you high marks. When the papers are ready, you can evaluate them. If they're precisely what you wished, simply approve of them. However, If you assume that papers aren't absolutely ready, merely request for revisions.

0 notes

californiabarsubjects630 · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

buy an essays

About me

Professional Essays

Professional Essays Just contact considered one of our representatives, and somebody shall be joyful to assist you. Essays help online reveal a pupil’s academic stage and potential. EssayBot supplies a 7-day trial, which comes for free. However, if you want to continue using this service, you'll have to pay $forty nine for the first month and $ninety nine per following month. Almost a hundred dollars for rewritten papers composed by a bot appears to be too much. Your author will bear in mind the specifics of your order. The worth shall be decided by the complexity of the essay matter, course level, and deadline. This work goals to show professors what you have discovered in the course of the semester and in addition reveals your capability to research, analyze, make statements, and type logical conclusions. Essays also point out that a scholar can follow given directions on the stage of literacy she or he at present possesses. It’s safe and being saved secret from others, so you shouldn’t be worried about that. Even writers don’t have access to shoppers’ private information and fee data, they solely communicate with clients. We also have a particular department for scanning and reviewing texts before sending them to shoppers. However, if you would like your own writing to be edited, we do provide this service, and our charges are aggressive. Please talk to our administrative employees about this feature. As such, papers that will have been submitted to its database in the past will come up if submitted again in the future. Yes, Turnitin checks other college students’ papers from each the present yr and the earlier years. This is as a result of it keeps a database of every paper that is checked through its system. Virtually each college has an official Turnitin database. They do the job shortly, competently, and precisely. We settle for orders online for any essay on any topic. To place an order, you’ll just must fill out the web form. If you need to have any problem, we have a 24/7 help staff here at your service. We tried writing a message to them but didn’t get any quick response. It looks as if EssayBot’s Support representatives don’t verify their inbox too typically. Be conscious of that when ordering their services, as a result of none of your urgent issues are going to be solved. Will undoubtedly selected him back for my other assignments sooner or later. Unfortunately, we're not hiring writers now due to off-season. As such, they'll flip the paper in themselves, promote it to other students, post it on-line or do almost something they want with it. All specialists who work for PapersOwl are aware of it. You can be sure that there are no fragments illegally copied from different sources. It may price you some points, however it is higher to get B then F and a dose of embarrassment. A paper written by EssayMasters.co.uk might be of a excessive normal and won't require editing or proof-reading. Second, different students in the class did the work and are earning a grade primarily based on their efforts. They selected not to pay someone to write down their paper, either out of moral issues or concern of punishment, and are at a drawback to somebody who simply paid for his or her paper. If you work together with your professor for a number of years and he is aware of your style, then he'll reveal you in a twinkle of an eye. It would be higher when you add a couple of typical errors you at all times do or add a number of phrases you typically use in your essays to make it look as if it was written by you. Writing type is like a mirror of the writer and your professor will never discover it suspicious when discovering these errors in your paper.

0 notes

howtostartanessaywith416 · 4 years ago

Video

youtube

write essay for me

About me

Say Write My College Paper To A Grade Essay Writer

Say Write My College Paper To A Grade Essay Writer For that matter, you need to be paid more as nicely, since you'll most probably need to juggle some issues or pull an all-nighter to make it happen. Generally, rush jobs are priced at $1.00 to $3.00 more per page, relying upon just how tight the deadline is . If you're employed for a company, your price of pay might be set by the corporate if you're thought of an worker. However, should you bid on tasks, don’t expect a fantastic deal extra freedom, particularly at first. If you work for a great company, expect to earn about 30%-forty% per page what they charge the shoppers. One page of a mean essay written by EduBirdie specialists costs simply $13.ninety nine. The shorter your deadline is and the upper the level you select (corresponding to university or Ph.D.), the larger the price is going to be. You should realize the significance of happiness. With a liked and loving partner, it is much simpler to set a aim and rich it on the way of turning into profitable person. Just let us know and we are going to refund you 100% of your money - no questions asked. Push your nervousness aside and place your order today! Then sit again, relax, and watch us creating your paper from scratch. Every paper is thorougly checked to ensure that it is 100% plagiairsm-free. Pay solely when you are fully glad with your paper. If you already discovered the person you like then attempt to do your greatest to construct profitable relationships. Read some books, suppose lots, spend time together with your beloved and do every thing you need to do to make it work. The ghost did seem as lesser co-writer as I at all times meant and had previously agreed. The GCSE is a secondary college assessment curricula widely used in the UK and UK-compliant academic contexts. One of the A-Level English requirements in this program is the Language Investigation. EssayJack offers two custom templates made particularly for students engaged on their language investigation project. But you can manipulate it as you need by changing order components, which gives you control over how a lot you’ll be paying. EduBirdie has a promise - we offer a money-back assure if you detect any problems with your paper. Don't worry when you're not pleased with your paper. That often comes out to between $10.00 and $15.00 per web page. If you're employed for a less-reputable firm, this percentage would possibly nicely be less. In basic, the much less cash the client pays per page, the less money you're going to get. Then again, the faster you'll be able to write, the more cash you will make (and that holds true whatever the per-page rate you get). or secondary sources) to again up the points you need to current. In most circumstances, an essay like this will also require you to address details which can oppose your stand on an issue or subject. We have one narrative essay template in EssayJack, Short Narrative, which you need to use to apply getting the move of an excellent story. So, just like an expository essay, you'll require an introduction, physique, and a conclusion. The secret is that should you skip your relationship now, then will probably be solely harder to make time for working on it later whenever you begin working and constructing your career. Another way to set the rate of pay is to cost extra for projects which are due in a short time. These “rush jobs” are usually priced greater than non-rush jobs, for apparent causes. While you don’t want to benefit from a client’s panic or desperation, the truth is that they will usually be willing to pay extra if time is brief.

0 notes

bevelle · 7 years ago

Text

Where the Sun Shines: Part 1

(Part 1 of "Where the Sun Shines" from the seventh novel, The Game of Angels and Demons, is here! Within the novel, this story is divided into 3 numbered parts. This is part 1, which just so happened to end at the 10 page mark. Minimal footnotes included. Footnotes don't function correctly on mobile, so I suggest viewing this in an actual browser. Please enjoy!)

Vatican City. An independent country located on the east bank1 of the Italian Tiber River. It is the smallest country in the world, and to the 1.1 billion Catholics scattered across the world, it serves as a strong international community.

There is a department there called The Seat of the Disciples.

Within the organizations existing at the heart of the Vatican, The Nine Sacred Departments, the recognition and acknowledgment of beatification2, canonization, and existence of holy relics occur in the Canonization Department; while there is another department in which “miracle reports” are collected from around the world and then undergo strict investigations. They are then presented to a committee of eighteen cardinals who judge whether or not they should be recognized as true miracles. Among those working there are scientists, doctors, historians, and specialists in many other fields.

Roberto Nicolas was employed by the Seat of the Disciples as a cryptanalysis and folkloristics expert two years ago, and was still a novice miracle investigator.

A Monday in April, when bright rays of light poured down. It was a holiday for the Seat of the Disciples, as well. That day, out of all of the days in the year, was especially important to Roberto. In the morning, after finishing his prayers at the nearest place of worship, Roberto headed to St. Bernardo, the boarding school near his home.

St. Bernardo was Roberto’s alma mater, and was where he lived before attending the University of Rome. It was also a place overflowing with memories.

Upon entering the school grounds, he could hear the clear singing voices of the choir from a section of the building. He could see students in their navy blue uniforms and red ties running around the campus and playing soccer.

Roberto made his way to a certain part of the school.

There, in that old, beautiful library, massive mahogany bookcases filled the room, their shelves packed with an extensive collection of everything from adventure novels to philosophy books. The smells of ink and paper typical of old books wafted throughout the room. Outside a large, wide window was an elm tree, and the sunlight filtering through its leaves shone down on the reception desk brilliantly.

In the past, a single boy stood there. A beautiful library committee member with straight black hair. He was an upperclassman three years older than Roberto named Josef Lycolas Bartridge.

Roberto gently took a single book from the shelves. He then left the library and headed for the deserted, quiet place behind the building. It was in the grove of trees between the shed that housed the tools they used for annual events and the hutches they used for raising rabbits and chickens. Roberto often spent time there.

Before he entered St. Bernardo, he was in an abbey-operated juvenile facility. Before that, he lived with a man he called his "uncle" and his wife after they took Roberto from a police hospital.

Other than his name, Roberto had no memories of his childhood.

He listened to the whispers of the adults around him, and vaguely understood that he had seen something terrible, became ill, and lost his memory. However, talking about that was taboo, so Roberto didn’t even consider wanting to ask about it further.

He remembered doing things like sandplay therapy3 every day at the police hospital. Then, when his “uncle” could no longer support him, he was sent to a juvenile facility. Within the facility, which had been set up as an elementary school with strict rules, Roberto was treated as a “child with issues.”

The biggest reason for this was because he couldn’t speak to anyone.

Roberto truly couldn’t talk to anyone. Even if he tried to speak to someone, the words wouldn’t come out.

People talked to each other normally. That was odd to Roberto.

He lived as if he were wrapped up in a special membrane that prevented him from forming any kind of connection with the outside world. Whenever someone spoke to Roberto, the words would pass through that membrane as what he could only perceive as meaningless, grating noise. Because of this, Roberto was extremely shy, and without being able to speak, he was a problem child who could not fit into his surroundings.

The Sisters and Fathers taking care of the children at the institution saw Roberto as a nuisance, and to Roberto, they were also unreasonably bothersome. They desperately tried to force him to read Christ’s teachings aloud, and in accordance with their strict rules, when he was unable to, the rod was brought down on him. Each time, Roberto would react by closing his heart off even further.

However, to his good fortune, there was someone there who understood him. That person was none other than the head of the institution, an old pastor named Father Lombardo.

One day, Roberto was taken by the head priest—who was also in charge of his elementary education—to Father Lombardo’s room.

Father Lombardo’s room was very simple, with a large decorative cross and a landscape painting being all that Roberto could remember.

The pastor was wearing black glasses—he was blind. However, Roberto felt that he could see much more than what those with sight could see.

“Roberto, greet Father Lombardo,” the priest told Roberto in a strict voice. Roberto was startled, but of course, he couldn’t get any words to come out.

“Roberto, knock it off. You should be able to talk just fine. We can’t always give you special treatment. I told you that you would have to do this today.”

Roberto hung his head. The priest made an annoyed face, grabbed the back of Roberto’s head, and forcibly made him bow.

“He’s always like this. He’s truly a child with issues,” the priest said.

Father Lombardo, with his unseeing eyes, stared at Roberto. Roberto honestly felt as he if he were being looked at.

“Hm. So, in these past two years, this boy hasn’t spoken to anyone?”

“No, not at all. He shows no response to anything we tell him, and we’ve never seen him play with any of the other children, either.”

“However, that doesn’t mean he has a mental disability4. From what I’ve heard, according to the chairman, his test results are above average…”

“That’s true. However, he can’t live a normal life as a student like this. Once he’s finished elementary, I believe that he should be sent to the abbey.”

“Hm…”

There was a long silence.

Roberto was terrified under Father Lombardo’s incessant gaze, as if he were completely exposed.

“No… In the past, those at this institution with exceptional grades were given assistance in attending St. Bernardo Boarding School. We can’t exclude him from that simply because he can’t speak. If we do, it will seem like the church is discriminating against children with such problems. And… as far as I can tell, this boy, Roberto, is completely fine. I’m authorizing it: send this boy to St. Bernardo. If anything happens, I will take responsibility.”

“Are you sure? This carelessness may cause trouble for you in the future, Father.”

“It’s fine. Roberto.”

Roberto, who did not understand what kind of conversation was happening in front of him, was simply hanging his head.

“Roberto. Please make some good friends.”

Roberto’s life changed immediately after that. He left the facility and moved to the boarding school.

St. Bernardo Boarding School was a strict Catholic school full of children from very respectable families, and had a middle school section, high school section, and college prep section. While students would normally be placed in a six-person room and become accustomed to living together, for Roberto, the troubled child with good grades, as soon as he saw this, he decided on living in a small, one-person room.

Even so, being a child from an institution, he wondered if he was being watched around the school. There, he was suddenly thrown into a melting pot overflowing with young boys.

Every morning before class in a small church on campus, they would read scripture aloud and interpret it, and pray. “Merciful Jesus,” “Man of Truth,” the priests praised, and asked for all suffering to be resolved as they knelt in front of the statue of Christ. But even as he looked at the statue, Roberto couldn’t believe the scrawny, shabby man hanging from the cross was the Savior.

On top of that, he could only interpret the Bible as sounding like a journal of nonsensical daydreams. Looking back on it, it seemed like he didn’t believe in any of it back then.

As always, he was unable to speak. He also became anxious when people would address him, so even when his name was called in class, he wouldn’t respond. Not even he knew what made him so stubborn back then.

The one thing that could be said about him with certainty was that he was always alone.

That, and the other students all existed in bright, sunny place. They always talked, always laughed, and always had fun playing together like little puppies. No matter how he tried, he couldn’t enter that fun, enjoyable place.

Sometimes the boys would get lonely at the boarding school and would talk to each other about their parents. Parents seemed like very special and precious people, and being separated from them seemed to be difficult. But Roberto had no memories of his parents, and as such, he couldn’t understand their sorrow.

Faith, joy, sadness—Roberto couldn’t understand any emotion.

Still, he understood his studies, so that was a way for him to somehow spend his time at the school.

But unlike the bookworm he is now, Roberto didn’t choose specific books to read back then. There was nothing that he truly wanted to do. He simply studied because it was necessary to learn material for class.

Roberto had the labels of “child with issues” and “weird kid from an institution” stuck to him.

Perhaps that should have hurt him, but he was numb to such a feeling. He simply had the memories to not get in anyone’s way, and of hiding himself.

What interested Roberto most was the deserted, quiet area behind the library. It was in a grove of trees between the shed that housed the tools they used for annual events and the hutches they used for raising rabbits and chickens. There, Roberto had the pleasant shade of the trees, and a spot where the sun shone . During breaks, he would go there and spend time staring idly at the clouds. Only then did the inside of his heart become clear, and he could briefly experience peace.

He didn’t want to stand out, but thinking back on it now, he must have stood out as a mysterious child with heretical behavior.

He must have noticed him, too. This place is in plain sight from the reception desk in the library.

Roberto looked in the direction of the library from where he was laying under the elm tree, thought of his past self, and chuckled.

Vatican City is actually located on the west bank of the Tiber River. ↩︎

A recognition accorded by the Catholic Church of a dead person's entrance into Heaven and capacity to intercede on behalf of individuals who pray in his or her name. ↩︎

A specific form of nondirective play therapy for children using a tray of sand and toys. ↩︎

The priests and nuns refer to Roberto as 「問題のある子」- literally, a child with problems. This is similar to “problem child,” which in Japanese is a single word: 「問題児」. However, given the context and Father Lombardo’s comments, the “problem” the priests and nuns are referring to when they call him a “child with problems” is their concern over him seeming as if he has a mental disability, given that he does not speak or respond when spoken to. He’s different from a typical “problem child” in that he doesn’t act out or cause trouble; it’s more of an insensitive way of the priests and nuns saying they think something is mentally wrong with him and subsequently punishing him for it (like hitting him with the rod). ↩︎

#my translation #vatican miracle examiner #vatican kiseki chousakan #t: where the sun shines #i'm going to start spelling roberto's last (technically middle) name without an h from now on #i like it better...

75 notes · View notes

discoveryop · 6 years ago

Text

7 Warning Signs to Tell If Your Child Is Using Drugs

Teenagers are known for sometimes being surly, distant, and secretive. As a parent, do you know how to tell when your teen is just acting like… well, a teen, and when their behavior is a sign of a bigger problem?

Do you know how to tell if your child is using drugs?

After all, 50 percent of high school students have tried marijuana, and 20 percent of high school seniors admit to having taken prescription medications without a prescription. It will surely shock you to know that that American Association of Pediatrics (AAP) recommends substance abuse screening beginning at the tender age of nine!

We don’t offer these statistics to scare you, but rather to get your attention. Now that we have it, stick with us. You’re about to learn the seven most common signs of teen drug abuse.

How to Tell if Your Child is Using Drugs: Early Warning Signs

While you could confront your child, dig through their room looking for evidence, or insist that they take a drug test, these behaviors can actually cause more harm than good.

Before taking these drastic measures based on a hunch, you’ll want to make sure you have a solid reason to think your child has a drug issue. If you’re still concerned after reading these seven warning signs, you’ll want to explore treatment options and then carefully start a conversation with your teen.

1. Behavioral Changes

As children make the shift from adolescence towards adulthood, they’re bound to display some behavioral changes. While many times this is perfectly natural, the following behaviors might indicate a need for concern:

Significant increase in arguments with siblings

Frequently lashing out in anger

Disappearing for hours or even days

Constantly asking for money

Driving recklessly

Stealing

Hanging out with a new group of friends

Locking doors, sneaking around and avoiding eye contact

Incessant sniffling, fidgeting, or erratic behavior

Very fast or significantly slow speech or slurring

Drastic changes in appetite

Lack of coordination, stumbling, balance problems

While some of these behaviors might just be a part of typical teenage defiance, most of them are a definite cause for further investigation.

2. Mood Shifts

As hormones change, most teenagers deal with a wide range of emotions that they sometimes struggle to reign in. However, when paired with drug or alcohol abuse, these peaks and valleys are very magnified.

A child who’s frequently depressed could be struggling with a mental illness or abusing drugs. On the other end of the spectrum, frequent excitability and restlessness could also indicate a problem.

Moods shifts are to be expected and aren’t always cause for concern. However, you’ll want to pay close attention if they’re extreme and occur in addition to several of the other warning signs listed.

3. Changes in Personal Appearance

When drugs take hold, addicts often neglect their personal appearance and hygiene. If your child has suddenly stopped showering and started neglecting to do basic things like combing their hair and brushing their teeth, you might want to take a closer look at what’s going on with them.

Your teen might also start showing up with unexplained bumps, scrapes, and bruises that happened while under the influence. He or she might have bloodshot eyes, a red, flushed face, and wear long-sleeved shirts even when it’s hot outside. On the other hand, if your teen starts chewing gum, using mouthwash, and wearing a lot of perfume or body spray, it might be an attempt to cover up the smell of alcohol or marijuana.

4. Problems at School or Work

Teens on drugs often start to slack on their school work. You’re likely to start getting calls from teachers or the principal and might see a significant decrease in grades.

Arguments with other students, physical confrontations, and skipping school are all warning signs that something is going on. Calling in sick to work, not showing up, or getting fired are also red flags. Whether the issue is drugs or something else, these are behaviors that you’ll definitely want to address right away.

5. Health Issues

Drug use creates an array of health issues in both teens and adults. Some issues you might recognize include:

Frequent bloody noses

Runny nose not caused by a cold

Lethargy

Headaches

Vomiting

Sweatiness

Shaking or tremors

Constant lip-licking

If your child is displaying any of these physical symptoms, insist on a doctor visit. You might mention your concerns to the doctor before the appointment and then let him or her assess whether there’s cause for worry.

6. Secretive Acts

All teens crave privacy, but there’s a fine line between wanting to be independent and blatant secrecy. If your child is taking mysterious calls, constantly hiding behind closed doors, and refusing to tell you where they’re going and what they’re doing, these could all indicate a more serious issue.

7. Evidence Around the Home

Take a close look around your home for items of concern. This could include paraphernalia, wrappers, foil, and rolling papers.

You’ll also want to look around your home to make sure nothing is missing. Check your medicine cabinets and liquor cabinets to confirm that nothing is missing. If you’re concerned that there might be an issue, consider locking up alcohol and prescription medications or just taking them out of your home.

Remember that drug and alcohol addiction is a disease, and a child who’s suffering needs help. If you have a family history of substance abuse, your child is also more vulnerable. This means you’ll need to keep your eyes and ears open and avoid the trap of denial.

Are You Concerned About Your Child? Take Action Today!

Now that you understand how to tell if your child is using drugs, it’s time to take action. Start by learning more about the family’s role in addiction recovery then give us a call at 866.916.3211 to talk to one of our addiction specialists.

Addiction is a serious problem, but you don’t have to confront it alone. Don’t wait any longer, reach out to us today.

7 Warning Signs to Tell If Your Child Is Using Drugs was originally published on Discovery Transitions

#Drug Addiction Recovery #Drug Rehab #Family

0 notes

autistic-bee-blog · 8 years ago

Text

**trigger warning for self harm, suicide, mentions of emotional abuse***

There aren’t many posts (that I’ve seen) that talk about what happens when you are Autistic and people label you gifted, or a savant, or a prodigy, or any other terms similar to those. So, I’m going to talk about it, but here’s a quick disclaimer:

I wholeheartedly believe that IQ is inaccurate and discriminates against those who are not verbal, do not come from a background which provides typical academic education (i.e., those who live in poverty), and those whose skills lie outside of the bounds of spatial, verbal, auditory processing, and written comprehension. I also believe that labels such as savant, gifted, and prodigy are often used in an elitist manner to say that “these Autistics are okay because they can do ___ and have contributed heavily to society in a manner deemed profitable and/or productive"or are otherwise misapplied by outsiders to discredit those who are on the spectrum but are verbal or deemed of higher intelligence. That being said, this is an account of my personal experiences and beliefs and these viewpoints do not ring true for everyone.

So. My original diagnosis was Aspergers Syndrome, which is the exact same thing as Autism, the only difference in criteria is that those diagnosed with Aspergers Servers and not Autism were verbal before age three. This diagnosis was later re classified as Autism spectrum disorder after the publication of the DSM-V.

As a child, I spoke very early on. I mean, I was speaking full sentences by the time I was two. One of the things I remember is my fascination with colors. I memorized all of the crayola crayon names, and when I went to daycare as a little toddler we would all go over colors. But when the lady pointed out colors and all of the other kids would say "red” or “blue,” I’d say “burnt sienna” or “turquoise” or something more specific for each hue. I LOVED colors, and coloring, even if I did do it outside of the lines.

My parents noticed Autistic traits very early on with me as well. I didn’t socialize with other children, I played off by myself. I cried and screamed when certain smells, tastes, or clothing entered my environment. I had horrible meltdowns where I would become a danger to myself: I’d pull out my hair, or bang my head on a wall, or claw at myself. I had echolalia as well; teachers and kids would get mad at me because I kept making cat noises or repeating things over and over. I had such a hard time holding pencils and writing that I had to get special permission to type my assignments. I actually could not read until second grade, because i couldn’t put sounds with letters on a page. So all of these things led my parents to taking me to several psychologists and specialists, after which I received my diagnosis.

When I got older, academics became more important. I was a very curious child, and I loved to learn. My interests were strange for my age, I was fascinated by microbiology and diseases and insects and animals. I learned names of bacteria and their different strains, I watched videos on different species of spiders, I learned about diseases and medical conditions, which I memorized. I was prone to infodumping on unsuspecting strangers (my favorite story about that is a cashier in Publix who offered me hand sanitizer while my mom was paying for groceries. I looked at her very gravely, and starting warning her about the dangers of stapholoccocus and streptoloccocus, and how important it is to wash your hands and clean open wounds. My mom finally told me that that was enough, but the cashier thought it was the neatest thing ever. Fun fact: she went on to become best friends with my mother, and they keep in touch to this day.)

In third grade, people started to notice that I was ahead of other kids my age in acedemics. I was given my first IQ test, just to see where I was. I didn’t know it was an IQ test at the time, but I took it. I found out the results years later: at age nine, I had an IQ of 136.

Everyone labelled me gifted, prodigy, etc. It felt nice, encouraging even, to an Autistic kid who kept getting picked on or slammed around and ostracized by the other students. But it started a cycle that I didn’t recognize until many years later.

When I got to high school, I was awarded all sorts of things relating to standardized test scores and academic achievement. They gave me another IQ test at 16, and by that time my IQ was 146.

With all of this however, I still faced difficulties related to my Autism, amplified by ignorant teachers and school officials. I can’t drive, and I had a very hard time in math and science because of my spatial and visual processing disability, and I had a hard time writing and copying from the board because of my impaired fine motor skills along with the aforementioned disability. I also had (still have) problems talking aloud to other students or teachers, due to severe anxiety, and also following verbal directions (which got me into several less than savory situations regarding my commitment to class and my supposed lack of self advocacy. Ironically, I had an IEP which required teachers, by federal law, to comply with accommodations, including printing all directions and assignments and clarifying these things with me after class. Every time they broke that law, it was blamed on my lack of advocacy, or initiative. Even when I called for meetings, or spoke up for myself, or informed teachers repeatedly of my IEP and disability. Several teachers flat out refused to follow it and said that it was just a disciplinary issue. Others asked what would happen to me in college, in “the real world,” to which my mother retorted that I would always need some level of assistance and that they should be ashamed for trying to frighten her kid like that, like everyone was just going to abandon me in adulthood.)

I had severe problems with self esteem and self worth. I always accused people of lying when they said I was special or smart. My main issue though, was that i felt like if I wasn’t deemed smart or gifted, that I would just be broken and everyone would toss me aside and hurt me, at least, more than they already had in the past. I grew up thinking that I was obligated to redeem myself, to “make up” for being Autistic. I thought that “gifted” was the only worthwhile thing about me.

My mental health worsened too. I had started cutting and burning myself in middle school, it got worse as I got older. I starved myself in high school. I had tried to kill myself twice by the time I turned 16, and was rushed to the ER after a violent meltdown which resulted in a deep wound on my arm that required 7 stitches.

All of this could be traced back to feeling like I was, well, a piece of shit. And to the emotional abuse I endured at the hands of teachers, and the things kids did to me to mess with me, the things people whispered about me, the way they looked at me, the way my parents looked at each other. The ignorance and cruelty of people around me. Their unwillingness to listen to me, to accommodate me. Their willingness to turn away in the midst of hatred and prejudice. I began to hate them.

On bad days, I want to give up trying to explain all of this and Autism and just resign myself to the fact that nobody will ever accept and accomodate me the way I am, much less love me. I say I should just accept that I’ll probably always be at the mercy of other people, I’ll probably be abused all over again. I tell myself I’m better than them anyway, that I’m gifted and they aren’t. I try and fail to believe that lie. Those days…I try to just hide in my house and stay silent.

But the worst part of all of this, was that whenever I tried to talk about any I’d it, about “gifted” being used to ignore an obvious disability, I’d get dismissed as high functioning, or I’d be reprimanded for being ungrateful for my talents.

I got labelled gifted, and suddenly it didn’t feel like a compliment anymore, but a threat. A disavowal. Shackles of an obligation to be normal, but also smart enough to be beneficial to society, to make up for all the things they have to deal with to accommodate me.

Now, I think that “gifted” is such a flat way of looking at things. I think that it only serves to label someone high functioning, so the people in charge can ignore any of their inaccessibility or ignorance when confronted by the person being hurt by it. I think that gifted is too often used as a measure of value, and is too often misaligned with merit. What about creativity? Dedication? Perseverance? Kindness? Open-mindedness? The most important qualities have no ruler to measure by.

I think “gifted” can go die in a hole. I’m not gifted. I’m ME. I’m curious, I’m dedicated, I’m strongwilled, I’m defiant, I’m kind, I’m compassionate, and I’m Autistic. And I make no apologies.

#actually autistic #ableism

28 notes · View notes

worstzombiehunter-ever-blog · 8 years ago

Photo

[400 Things You Probably Never Wanted to Know About Kris]

1. Name: Kristoph Willhem Becket 2. Nickname(s): Kris 3. Birthday: August 13th, 1993 4. That makes you (age): 24 5. Where were you born (city): Funny story; my family lived in a different area of Florida at the time but mom was supposed to see a specialist in Miami before I was born, but I ended up being premature because she had me on the way there in the car, in traffic. Even back then I guess I had decided I wanted to be in the city, heh. 6. Location right now (planet ): Astoria, Oregon 7. Shoe size: 9 8. How many piercings?: Septum, left eyebrow, tongue, 5 in right ear, 4 in the left 9. Tattoos?: Twelve total; full left hand (skeletal/bone. Lilly), four on the same arm, (stars, skulls, human heart,music notes), right hip socket (solid black star), left ribcage (German text), back of the neck (black star), collarbone (stars}, right forearm (black cross), left forearm (Dates -his siblings birthdays, his parents’ anniversary, the date of the outbreak}, 10. When you wake up you're: Dead to the world, not a morning person 11. When you're about to sleep you're: Paranoid as hell 12. Zodiac sign: Leo 13. Chinese sign: Rooster 14. Righty or Lefty: Right 15. Innie or Outie:The former 16. School: College dropout

Section Two: Looks

17. Nationality: German/Finnish 18. Hair colour: Very blonde 20. Weight: 130lbs 21. Height: 6'0 22. Braces? Nope 23. Glasses? No

Section Three: Private Life

24. Do you have a boy/girlfriend? No 25. If so, who? 26. If not, do you have a crush on someone? Not at this point 27. Who has a crush on you? Nobody? 28. Ever cheated on your bf/gf? No 29. Who was your first kiss: Right out of high school, some guy at a club. Not overly memorable. 30. Who was your last kiss: Marcus 31. Are you a virgin? HA. no. 32. Ever had a threesome before? No; one person is enough to deal with generally. 33. NQ- Every been swarmed by ladybugs?: ...no? Is this some sex-related thing I don't know about? ...now I sort of want to know. 34. Have you ever been in love? Yes, very much so. 35. Broken any hearts? Probably; doesn't everybody? But I never meant to. 36. Got your heart broken? Yeah, a few times. The big one though, he didn't mean to. 37. Ever liked a friend? Yeah? 38. What happened? We nearly got married until the world went to hell.

Section Four: Past Relationships

39. How many relationships have you been in? Dated a lot? Actual relationships; a handful or so. 40. How many were serious enough to count: Two or three really 41. Who were those serious ones: Nick, Angelo, and Marcus; in that order. 42. NQ- Who used to be your best friend: ...Marcus 43. What made them different: Everything. Just everything. 44. What happened: He died and came back, I wasn't there. I still don't know if I would have wanted to be or not. 45. Best boy/girlfriend: Marcus 46. Worst boy/girlfriend: Angie was a jerk, but he was a hot jerk. 47. Ever been kissed: Yeah? 48. Who do you want back: ....a lot of people. Relationship-wise? Marc. 49. Who do you regret: Oh, I could give you a laundry list but...whatever. 50. Why?: I'm good at bad decisions.

Section Five: Favourites

51. Song: I love classical music; it's relaxing. 52. Movie: Donnie Darko amuses me way too much. 53. Food: God I miss really good veggie burgers - but being vegan doesn't work when you're starving. 54. Drink: Dr.Pepper...or any soda really; I need the caffeine. 55. Store: uh? hell if I know 56. Television show: ...I used to really like Twilight Zone..now it seems ironic somehow. 57. Holiday: Halloween 58. Book: Most anything by Neil Gaiman 59. Ice cream: I don't really like it 60. Sweets: Oreos...I would do so much for some Oreos 61. Crisps: Never ate much of those 62. Type of music: Classical 63. Artist: Salvador Dali 64. Word: 'Hell', usually used muttered under my breath, yeah 65. Time of day: Midday 66. Dressing: Like...the stuff you put on a salad? I don't use those. 67. Alcoholic drink: Anything sugary 68. Colour(s): Bright colors, specifically purple and blue. 69. Piece of clothing: These days my boots 70. Character: ?? I don't even know 71. Smell: The ocean 72. Shampoo: Any time I have shampoo and can wash my hair I don't even care what it is. 73. Soap: See the above answer. 74. Smiley: >_> 75. Board game: Battleship 76. Sport: ...not a sports person. 77. Number: 0 78. Quote: "No great artist ever see things as they are" - Edgar Degas 79. Animal: Dogs 80. Actor: I had a really bad crush on Ewan Mcgregor when I was younger 82. Vegetable: Anything; I'm not picky. 83. Fruit: Pineapple 84. Place to be: Anywhere safe 85. Thing in your room: My notebook 86. Gum: Minty stuff, doesn't matter what kind; the fruit flavored stuff is gross. 87. Shape: ? uh...stars? I have a few of them tattoed on me so I guess it counts 88. Country: Here, I guess; I never got to see Germany or Finnland. 89. Mall: Back home in Miami there were a few, wasn't ever much for wandering around them. 90. Car: I miss my car; it's dead now. 91. Boy's name: I like mine? 92. Girl's name: My mom's name is nice; Cammilla 93. Family member: Seriously? Uh...I guess I got along the best with my younger brother. 94. Restaurant: Trying to think about it just makes me hungry 95. Movie place: Don't like theaters 96. Person to go to the movies with: Marc 97. Noise: Crickets; they're so calming, or people breathing when they sleep. 98. Brand of shoe: I don't think I have one. 99. Brand of clothing: Again, no preference. 100. Body part of a chicken: ...their creepy little eyes? 101. Swear word: Fuck 102. Month: August 103. Possession: My notebook 104. Team: Not a sports person 105. Season: Summer 106. Radio station: Right now any of them that work 107. Magazine: Used to read the trashy tabloid ones 108. Favorite grade: I liked my first year in college, it went downhill from there. 109. Least favorite grade: 9th, that was a mess. 110. Teacher: My high school art teacher 111. Least favorite teacher: ...10th grade geometry; Ms. Allen. Urgh. 112. Subject: Art 113. Subject to talk about: People

Section Six: Family

114. Who's your mum?: Cammilla Becket; otherwise known as the ruler of the family. 115. Who's your dad?: Felix Becket; walking encyclopedia of every old story known to man 116. Any step-parents?: No 117. Any brothers?: Yes; Jorge, Andrew, and Fillip 118. Any Sisters?: Annalee 120. Coolest: Me, of course. 121. Loudest: Easily Jorge 122. Best relative: My aunt Lydia; she's hilarious and bakes cookies. 123. Worse relative: ...uncle Gustoph; that man is terrifying 124. Do you get along with your parents? I confused them a lot, I wish...things had been better. 125. With your siblings? With Jorge and Anna, yeah, my older brothers were disappointed in me I think. 126. Does anyone understand you? I don't even understand me sometimes 127. Do you have any pets?: Not anymore 128. If so, what kind and name? I used to have a cat named Chester 129. If not, what do you want as a pet?: I'd like to have a dog again; makes things less lonely.

Section Seven: School

131. Are you still in school? No 132. Did you drop out?: Yeah, from college 133. Your current GPA: ...don't have one. 134. Do you buy or bring lunch?: None of these apply. 135. ABC's?: What? I know what those are. 136. Favorite class: Art theory or art history was fun too. 137. Play any sports at school?: Nope 138. Are you popular? I was, I guess, I had friends. 139. Favorite memory: From school? It's all a blur. 140. Most humiliating moment: Most of my high school days. So many of them. 141. Most funniest moment: ....falling down the steps freshman year; it's hilarious now, was mortifying then. 142. Most scared moment: Nearly getting myself murdered by a really unpleasant guy on the football team.

Section Eight: What do you think of when you hear

145. Chicken: ....nothing? 146. Dog: Warm and fluffy. 147. Christina Aguilera: Radios played her music way too much. 148. Ricky Martin: Ahem. Well he did look really good in leather pants. 149. 50 cent: My neighbors were obsessed with blaring this all night. 150. Poop: ...those emoji things 151. Beach: I miss it so much. 152. Desert: What the world is turning into 153. Water: Necessity 154. Osama: A name? 155. Love: ...lonely. 156. Your little brother: I hope he's still around. 157. Butt: I don't have any overwhelming opinions here. 158. Clowns: Mildly scary. 159. Wonder: Better than giving up. 16o. Brown: Mom's eyes. 161. Banana: Food, or those gross smoothies back home. 162. Sex: Fun, but absent from my life anymore. 163. Parents: Regrets I wish I could change now. 164. Homosexuals: The subtext to my sexuality. 165. God: Gave up on things around here I'm pretty sure.

Section Nine: Do you believe in

166. God: Maybe, but I don't think they're around much anymore. 167. Heaven: I hope it's real, some people I've lost deserve to be there. 168. Devil: I guess you have to have that one around for the other to be real. 169. Hell: ...I've seen a few places that could almost count as that. 170: Boogy man: Things that creep around in the dark and attack you? Sounds too much like Walkers. 171. Closet Monsters: Those at least stopped bothering me in grade school. 172. Fortune tellings: Maybe, but I don't want to know the future. 173. Magic: Sure, why not. 174. Love at first sight: I want to. 175. Ghosts: I feel haunted a lot so, yeah, I do. 176. Voo-doo dolls: Never gave that one much thought, I guess? 177. Reincarnation: In this world? I almost hope not. 178. Yourself: ...at times.

Section Ten: Do you

179. Smoke: Yeah. 180. Do drugs: No 181. Drink alcohol: Used to, not much anymore. 182. Cuss: Far too much. 183. Sing in the shower: Showers are too quick for that now. 184. Like school: I didn't mind parts of it. 185. Want to get married: ....I did at one point. 186. Type with all of your fingers: Yeah 187. Think you're attractive: I have my good points. 188. Drink and drive: Nah 189. Snore: Probably 190. Sleep walk: No 191. Like watching sunrises and sunsets: I used to; sunsets make me uneasy now.

Section Eleven: Have you ever

192. Flashed someone: Maybe when I was drunk. 193. Gotten so drunk til you threw up everywhere: Oh yeah. 194. Told that person how you felt: What person? -That- person? Yeah. 195. Been arrested: No, surprisingly. 196. Gone to jail or juve: Nope. 197. Skateboarded: Too clumsy. 198. Skinny dipped: Yes 199. Rock climbed: I don't have a deathwish. 200. Killed someone: God no; I've never even killed one of the already dead ones. 201. Watched porn: ...who hasn't? 202. Gone on a road trip: A few. 203. Went out of the country: No 204. Talked back to an adult: Ha..yeah. 205. Broken a law: Sure, not any big ones though. 206. Got pulled over: A couple of times. 208: Cried to get out of trouble: ...that was my main go-to as a kid. 209. Let a friend cry on your shoulder: Yeah, sometimes it's all I knew to do. 210. Kissed a brother's or sister's friend: No 211. Kissed a friend's brother or sister: No 212. Dropped something on the floor and let someone eat it anyways: I would say gross but..things change; these days that doesn't even matter. 213. Moon someone: Maybe? Again, if it happened I was drunk. 214. Shop-lifted: No 215. Worked at McDonald's: No 216. Eaten a dog: No, but that's not to say that I wouldn't if I had to. 217. Give money to a homeless person: Yeah. 218. Glued your hand to yourself: Surprisingly no. 219. Kissed someone of the same sex: ...yes, on many occasions. 220. Had a one night stand: A few 221. Smoked: Yes 222. Done drugs: Not really. 223. Lose a friend because of your ex: Yeah, but they weren't worth keeping 224. Slap someone for being stupid: No, but I maybe should have. 225. Had cyber sex: I could have actual sex, so no. 226. Wish you were the opposite sex: ...ah...difficult one, since I don't consider myself one or the other when it comes to gender, or just one or the other, rather. 227. Caught someone doing something: I have a younger brother, so of course, 228. Played a game that removes clothing: Yes, and generally lost. 229. Cried during a movie: A few; damn Disney movies 230. Cried over someone: So many people 231. Wanted to hook up with a friend: On occasion 232. Hooked up with someone you barely met: I can't say I haven't. 233. Ran away from home: Nah, not until I was an adult. 234. Cheated on a test: I should have in a few classes.

Section Twelve: Would you

235. Bungee jump: I don't think there are any planes left around. 236. Sky dive: Again, above answer. 237. Swim with dolphins: I've done that before. 238. Steal a friend's bf or gf: Not on purpose. 239. Try to be the opposite sex: ....I mean; I go back and forth and in the gray between all the time. 240. Lie to the police: Probably. 241. Run from the police: Maybe. 242. Lie to your parents: I had on occasion. 243. Backstab a friend for your own well being: No 244. Be an exotic dancer: ...sure, why not. But I would blind people with how pale I am so I wouldn't make much. 245. NQ- Kill the president: Pretty sure he's already dead.

Section Thirteen: Are you

246. Shy: Only when I'm anxious. 247. Loud: When I'm upset 248. Nice: I like to think so 249: Outgoing: For the most part 250: Quiet: When I want to be left alone. 251. Mean: Nah 252. Emotional: God yes. 253. Sensitive: Very. 254. Gay: Yesss 255. Strong: Physically? Not so much. 256. Weak: I don't like to admit it if I am. 257. Caring: I try to be 258. Dangerous: Only when my brain is being weird. 259. Crazy: ...potentially. 260. Spontaneous: Yes. 261. Funny: I'm hilarious. 262. Sweet: Maybe? 263. Sharing: Yeah. 264. Responsible: Not so much. 265. Trustworthy: Of course. 266. Open-minded: Very. 267. Creative: Yes! 268. Cute: Well..I think I am. 269. Slick: Not by any means. 270. Smart: As much as anybody. 271. Dumb: I don't think so. 272. Evil: No? 273. Ghetto: No 274. Classy: Not really. 275. Photogenic: Ha, I don't even know. 276. Dependable: I try to be. 277. Greedy: Nah 278. Ugly: No 279. Messy: Basically, yes. 280. Neat: Not so great at that. 281. Perverted: No? 282. Silly: I have my moments. 283. A B****: Ha, probably at times. 284. A Good Listener: I like to listen, so hopefully? 285. A Fighter: ....no 286. A Party Animal: Used to be 287. A Game Freak: Nah 288. A Computer Freak: Not really.

Section Fourteen: Future

289. Dream job: ...before the world ended I wanted to work in comic books. 290. Dream house: I liked where I was in Miami. 291. Husband/Wife: ....they're gone now. 292. Kids: Nah. 293. Names: what? I like my name. 294. Pets: I still want a dog 295. Car: At this point, anything that runs 296. Age you would want to get married: ...I thought I already would be. 297. Best Man/Bride's Maid: My brothers 298. Honeymoon: Europe

Section Fifteen: Your friends

this is too depressing; I'm just going to not. do this one. 299. Best friend: 300. Known the longest: 301. Craziest: 302. Loudest: 303. Shyest: 304. Best hair: 305. Best eyes: 306. Best body: 307. Most Athletic: 308. Hot-Tempered: 309. Most impatient: 310. Shortest: 311. Tallest: 312. Skinniest: 313. Best singer: 314. Funniest: 315. Can always make you laugh: 316. Wish you talked to more: 317. Wish you saw more: 318. Who drives you insane after a while: 319. Who you can stay around forever and never get sick of: 320. Ever lose a friend because you took it to the 'next level': 321. Whose always been there when you need them: 322. Who is like your family: 323. How many friends do you have?: 324. How many are really close?

Section Sixteen: The last

325. Thing you ate: Yesterday. 326. Thing you drank: A few hours ago, water. 327. Thing you wore: Clothes I'm wearing now? 328. Thing you did: Walked back to town. 329. Place you went: The edge of town, was restless. 330. Thing you got pierced or tattooed: My right arm 331. Person you saw: Some guy working on a car that's busted. 332. Person you hugged: ...it's been a while. 333. Person you kissed: Been even longer on that one. 334. NQ- Person you beat to a juicy pulp: Yeah, I'm not so good at that. 335. Person you talked to online: The net has been dead for a long time. 336. Person you talked to on the phone: So have phones. 337. Song you heard: Months ago, some old gas station had a busted CD player with batteries but it didn't last long; some old 80s music. 338. Show you saw: I don't even remember. 339. Time you fought with your parents: ....before the outbreak, last time I saw them. 340. Time you fought with a friend: ...probably right before I left River Bend. 341. Words you said: 'Hn'

Section Seventeen: Now

343. What are you eating: Nothing 344. What are you drinking: Nothing 345. What are you thinking: The usual bouncy, weird thoughts. 346. What are you wearing: Clothes? 347. What are you doing: Nothing really, sitting here? I get nervous sleeping at night so I stay up a lot. 349. Hair: Is a fluffy mess. 350. Mood: Tired 351. Listening to: The wind outside. 352. Talking to anyone: No 353. Watching anything: No

Section Eighteen: Yes or No

354. Are you a vegetarian: Yes 355. Are you a carnivore: No 356. Are you heterosexual: No 357. Do you like penguins: Yes 358. Do you write poetry: No 359. Do you see stupid people: Yes 360. You + Me: No 361. Do you like the Osbournes: Yes 362. Can you see flying pigs: No 363. Do you sleep with stuffed animals on your bed: No 364. Are you from Afghanistan: No 365. Is Christina Aguilera ugly: No 366. Are you a zombie: NO 367. Am I annoying you: No 368. Do you bite your nails: Yes 369. Can you cross your eyes: Yes 370. Do you make your bed in the morning: No 371. Have you touched someone's private part: Yes

Section Nineteen: This or That

372. Winter or Summer: Summer 373. Spring or Autumn: Spring 374. Shakira or Britney: Shakira 375. MTV or VH1: VH1 376. Black or White: ? Black I guess? 377. Yellow or Pink: Yellow. 378. Football or Basketball: uhh...basketball. 379. Mobile Phone or Pager: Phone 380. Pen or Pencil: Pencil 381. Cold or Hot: Hot 382. Tattoos or Piercings: oh..hard one. Tattoos. 383. Inside or Outside: Inside. 384. Weed or Alcohol: Weed 385. Coke or Pepsi: Coke 386. Tape or Glue: Tape 387. McDonald's or In-n-Out: Neither, gross.

Section Twenty: Opinions

388. What do you think about classical music: Ha. I really like it. 389. About boy bands: Some of them were amusing. 390. About suicide: ...this world is bad but giving up? I couldn't do it. 391. About people who try to force their opinions on you: They're exhausting, and far too many of them exist. 392. About teen pregnancy: I don't personally have to worry about that, heh. But it's not my business if it's not my body. 393. Where do you think you'll be in 10 years: Alive I hope. 394. Who do you think you'll still be friends with in 5 years: I should probably make some friends. 395. About gay men: I mean, obviously, I like them.

Section Twenty-One:

396. Do you have a website: No 397. Current weather right now: Hot as hell 398. Current time: It's late. Dark. 399. Any shout outs: no? 400. Last thoughts: ...'last thoughts' sounds so ominous.

#ooc #character development #EERIE:TASK

2 notes · View notes

marvelleous · 8 years ago

Text

i want you forever (right here by my side) - chapter one

summary: “Phil Coulson. Thought you might like to know before we begin. I promise I won’t twist your arm… too hard,” he says with a smile which widens as she returns it. “Melinda May,” she responds, accepting his handshake. Her hand is small, her fingers slim, and her grip is unsurprisingly firm. “You wouldn’t dare. I’d whip your ass.” Phil Coulson and Melinda May. Their story, from the very first day.

notes: my take on a phil/melinda origin story inspired by theories from the philinda chatroom. please let me know what you think :) thank you to @agentsphilinda for beta-ing this one for me!

songspiration: when we first met by hellogoodbye

read on AO3

The streets are still littered with red, white and blue streamers the day Phillip Coulson is born, in a small town in Manitowoc, Wisconsin. His father is a history teacher, his mother a homemaker, and he is their first and only child. He weighs eight pounds and two ounces, measures twenty inches and lets out quiet cries of protest as he is dragged into the world by a none too gentle doctor. Phil grows up an average boy. He is of an average height and average weight, and attends the local elementary school with all the other regular boys and girls. He plays baseball in the little leagues, does all his chores and homework and spends time with the neighbour’s children in the front yard in the afternoons, supervised by his mother who often presents him with treats as rewards for good behaviour. His favourite in summer is her Apple pie, with a golden and flakey crust, wrapped around a piping hot filling of caramelised apple slices. It's not too sweet and not too sour, and she always serves it with a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade; the lemons picked from a little tree in their back garden.

In winter, his parents make hot chocolate from scratch, and the family of three stay warm huddled by the fireplace, trading stories about their day.

They’re an average family, with an average house and an average life.

But the first eight years of Phil’s life are safe, and happy.

He is nine years old when his father dies.

He doesn’t remember the day well; only a blur of tears and terror as his mother explains to him as simply as possible how it happened, and then the condolences from every person he encountered. He remembers everything moving around him, his whole world shifting and then crumbling.

While they were not by any means wealthy before his father’s passing, they had more than enough to live comfortably. But now his mother is left to raise him alone, strapped for cash and not enough hours in a day or days in a week to earn enough. He begins to do odd tasks around the neighbourhood, delivering papers, mowing lawns, walking dogs, trying to help her out, but even then, it’s not enough.

They sell off many possessions - Phil’s father had always been a sentimental man - and keep only the red corvette that they had been restoring together before the man died. It is several years before he opens up the garage door once more to work on the car, to complete the task he and his father had started.

He names the car Lola.

Phil is smaller than the other boys in middle school, and enjoys studying, learning, more than anything. He has his own group of friends, kids that share the same interests - to have lunch with and work together in classes, but once school is over, he’s off to the local convenience store to help stock shelves in the back. His mother always insists that she doesn’t need his help, to save the little money he earns for himself, but he’s stubborn and makes sure she gets it one way or another.

He does save a little for himself, hoarding pennies and dimes and the occasional dollar in a jar on his bedside table labeled “Collectibles”. He still has many of his childhood treasures saved - those that are priceless to him but worthless to others - a particularly round stone he’d found by the river while skipping rocks, a broken seashell from a vacation they took to the beach one year, a pen with no more ink that his father had once carried around with him. He has other things too of course - various well-read Captain America comic books, miniature figurines, random cogs and screws from old watches and clocks. His mother teases him about it, saying that his fascination for memorabilia came from his father.

Phil kisses a girl for the first time in eighth grade. It’s just a peck on the lips shared with his date for a school dance, Michelle, who smiles prettily at him, blushing, before, running off to tell her friends about it. He doesn’t remember the kiss itself, just the sound of her giggles, the butterflies in his stomach.

His first “serious” girlfriend is Lisa, who sits two rows in front of him in English in tenth grade. They lose their virginity to each other, and last nearly four months before she breaks up with him. There’s no hard feelings really, even when he sees her flirting with a member of their school’s football team not three weeks later.

He understands it, he really does.

When he was younger, there had been a point where he wanted to be one of those guys - the same uniform, logos blazing, running out on the field as part of a team, all working towards achieving the same goal. But his father had taught him how to play, and he can’t bring himself to do it without the man’s guidance and support.

All he has left is the knowledge and wisdom his father had managed to impart on him in the nine years they were fortunate enough to spend together, and he clings on to it, unwilling to let it go.

By the time turns seventeen, Phil has his life planned out ahead of him. He’ll graduate from high school, go to college, study history. He’ll get a job, build a life for himself.

His mother always did say he was a dreamer.

And he did dream - of the ideal life. A house that felt just as warm as his childhood home, Lola parked in the garage, a sensible distance away from the mini-van in the front driveway. He imagines the woman he will end up spending his life with; he wants the life that his parents shared together - however short it had been. He wants to know the moment he meets the one for him, to win her over and build a future together.

He knows that he wants children, plural. Growing up as an only child had it’s positives, he was the center of attention, there was never anyone to fight with. But he had been lonely, and he doesn’t want that for his future kids. He knows that he’ll love them.

And so he dreams, imagines, and plans.

The thing about life is that it doesn’t care about your plans. It throws curveballs at you and expects you to dodge them; and whatever outcome occurs if you fail is on you.

He goes off to college at age eighteen. He’s made his plans, and he’s following them. It’s supposed to be the beginning of his new life, his adult life.

It’s the year everything begins.

It’s also the year his mother dies.

He skips classes for a week, holed up his dorm room, before he pulls himself together and gets on with life. It isn’t going to sit around and wait for him. His parents had already given him everything he needed to survive in the world, and he wasn’t going to let them down by falling apart.

He doesn’t have anyone on his team anymore, no one to truly support him, and so he must adapt to surviving on his own.

He throws himself into his school work, studying harder than he ever has. It’s history, it’s something he enjoys, something he loves, something he’s loved his entire life. The more he learns, the more he wants to learn; hours upon hours spent at the library, combing through book after book.

He’s intelligent. He’s observant.

He notices things. Inconsistencies. Half-truths. Complete lies.

Where there are secrets there must be people keeping them, and so he digs further.

Notices more.

Until one day he notices the man with eyepatch watching him.

He is just shy of nineteen years old when Nick Fury recruits him for an organisation the man calls S.H.I.E.L.D. It’s a peace keeping agency headed by Peggy Carter herself; a woman who had been integral to the success of missions carried out by Captain America and his allies during the second world war. During the war against Hydra.

Fury is clear that joining means dedicating himself completely to the cause; to fight for the greater good, to protect the world, to be the shield. Phil has nothing left to lose the day he packs his bags and leaves his life behind for good, following Nicholas Fury into the unknown.

Fury puts him through his paces, makes sure he knows what he’s getting himself into. There’s so much to learn, so much to study, and he thrives off of it. It’s the first time he’s truly found purpose since he lost his mother, and he thinks both she and his father would be proud of the man he is trying to become.

And so he trains, hard, for the next two years, absorbing all the knowledge he can, learning all the skills. He learns to fight, with his hands, with his body. He learns the weapons of the trade - knives, guns, rifles. Fury thinks he’ll make a good field agent once he goes through proper training at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Academy.

He looks forward to the experience.

He’s in the last weeks of his first year at the S.H.I.E.L.D. Communications Academy when all potential field agents have to begin training with the cadets from Operations. Phil is both nervous and excited at the prospect - Communications is all about liaising and planning missions, but those at the Operations Academy are training to be specialists. The kind of secret agents authors write novels about, that movies were made about. Those who were constantly kicking ass in the field; he would be the man in the shadows, watching their every move, controlling them from afar.

There very much appears to be a rivalry between the different S.H.I.E.L.D. Academies, that much he can tell strolling into Operations with his fellow trainees. The cadets here appear to have more brawn than brains, all tall, strong, muscled - could probably kill you with twelve different methods in three seconds flat.

Phil does not particularly relish the thought of being pummeled to pieces.

They are set to train with the first year cadets, and as he stands across the room, just observing them, his eyes land on one in particular.

It’s her gaze that catches his attention first; she’s just standing silently amongst the other cadets, quiet, unassuming, but there’s something about the way she looks at him that has him intrigued. The second thing he notices is how small she is, practically dwarfed by her peers. There are very few female cadets, and even then, they rarely came in such small packages. She suddenly smirks, and he’s ashamed to admit that it takes him one moment too long to realise the change in her facial expression is because she’s caught him staring.

Their moment is broken when one of the senior agents in charge calls for their attention. Phil is well aware that today is just an introductory session, to get them used to interacting with those who have different training. They all stand and watch as two of the third year Operations cadets step up and take their opening stances, before they attack.

He is mesmerised, and looks on with rapt attention as they fight, dodging one another’s moves without a pause, as if without a second thought. He almost cannot keep up, and misses the finishing blow, because in the blink of an eye the fight is over, one cadet pinned to the ground by the other, and there are a couple of cheers from the first years, supporting their upperclassmen.

A loud cough from another of their supervising agents brings the room to a silence once more, and they wait with bated breaths for what is to come next.

“May, you’re up first. Who wants to give it a go?”

Phil holds back a smile as the cadet he’d made eye contact with earlier steps up to the mats, straightening her back as she stands at attention. He studies her a little more closely now - it’s what he’s trained to do. Her eyes are brown, full of light - he feels like she knows so much more than she’ll ever let on, than she’ll ever say out loud. Her hair is dark too, parted in the middle and pulled tightly into two braids which lay over her shoulders, hanging to almost mid-waist length.

She looks adorable.

And deadly.

Clearly no one else sees it, because he can hear the snickers from his fellow trainees, the vulgar things they’re whispering under their breath, the way her expression hardens when she hears it too.

Without a second thought, he steps forward, and the laughter increases tri fold, until one of the instructors silences them by clearing his throat, and gestures for Phil to go ahead.

He keeps a steady stride as he approaches her, May. When they meet in the middle, he extends a hand out to her, and barely manages to suppress a snort when she briefly glances down, before looking back up at his face.

“Phil Coulson. Thought you might like to know before we begin. I promise I won’t twist your arm… too hard,” he says with a smile which widens as she returns it.

“Melinda May,” she responds, accepting his handshake. Her hand is small, her fingers slim, and her grip is unsurprisingly firm. “You wouldn’t dare. I’d whip your ass.”

He can’t help but raise his eyebrows at her vulgarity, and she tilts her head to the side and nods up at him. She extracts her hand from his, and they take two steps back, pausing for just a moment, before he surges forward towards her.

She’s fast, dodging his attacks, and he has just enough speed to avoid her blows. He throws a punch at her, but she turns, blocking it, whipping her head round as she does so and her braids slap him across the face, stunning him for a split second. She lunges at him, and anticipating a kick to the chest, he ducks, hoping her leg will just fly over his head. What he doesn’t expect is for her to leap above him and knock him down onto the mats, flipping them so she’s above him, pressing his head down against the ground as she lowers her entire body weight onto his back. She’s light, doesn’t weigh much, but she’s strong enough to hold him down for the five seconds required to end the match.

He can hear the whistles and cheers around the room, and ignores them as she climbs off him and offers him a hand, pulling him back to his feet. She nods at him again, smirking, before returning to her side of the room. As he does the same, he raises a hand who where he’d been savagely whipped by her hair, knowing that it probably left a mark, and smiles to himself.

The next time he and Melinda May have a chance to speak alone is during his second year at Communications. He’s taken to jogging in the mornings to build his stamina, to clear his head before training - but this morning, he’s up before the sun is, unable to go back to sleep, too many thoughts, too many worries. He changes and sets out for his usual path, feeling the cold wind chilling his skin, listening to the sounds of nature. The sky is only just beginning to lighten, the birds are calling, and he can hear his twigs and leaves beneath each footfall… footfalls?

He almost skids to stop, and turns, and he hadn’t been hearing things, because there’s a figure coming up behind him, slowing down as they spot him standing there.

“Coulson?”

He frowns, blinks and does a double take. It’s been two weeks since he last saw her during a training session. They’d been sparring with different partners, but had made eye contact as they often did at least once during the day. She had brushed one of her signature braids over her shoulder as she turned to offer him a smirk, and he had smiled back.

He almost doesn’t recognise her now. Her hair has been cropped to her shoulders, and she has.. Bangs? He’s not completely sure what the correct terminology is, but he also knows that he should probably make a polite comment about her new haircut.

“May, wow. Nice um, I like your new hair,” he finally manages to get out, and she just laughs at him, shaking her head as she does.

“Wanted a change. Also people kept complaining about being hit in the face. No idea what they meant by that,” she responds, moving to stand beside him. She looks different like this, but he thinks he could probably get used to it. He hadn’t really minded being clapped in the face by one of her braids, but maybe that was just him.

“Yeah, couldn’t possibly know what they meant by that,” he snorts, making a show of rubbing at the side of his face, and she scoffs right back at him, clapping him hard on the shoulder before taking off.

“Come Coulson.”

He just stands there for a moment, laughing as he watches her run off, shaking his head before chasing after her.

“I’ll catch up.”

They spar a few times after that, during their second and third years at the Academy. She’s not a friend, but he considers her an acquaintance, an ally in the cause that they support. She’s quiet, only talks when she really wants to, and has very few friends over in operations. Sometimes he fears he may be analysing her too much, but argues that it is just the future field agent in him taking over.

He’s trained to be observant.

She smiles, a lot, when she thinks others aren’t watching, and has a great sense of humour. Or at least that’s how he feels until he falls prey to one of her particularly vicious pranks at the beginning of their third year.

He doesn’t know how she does it, but after he wakes up one perfectly normal morning and carries out his routine, he returns to the Communications dorms and finds that all of his Captain America boxers have been strung up across the building. There’s a crowd of his fellow trainees gathered around laughing hysterically; no one could have spent a day around him without learning he was a huge fan of Steve Rogers, and he knows that they’re all making fun of him.

He’s beyond mortified, and doesn’t even know how to begin getting them down - he can’t imagine how someone even got them up there, until he spots a familiar face at the edge of the crowd, smirking, and he groans internally.

How had she even gotten into his room? What else had she taken? Worse, what other secrets of his had she managed to uncover?

He can only give her a forced smile as he pushes past the hoard of people, keeping his eyes trained on the ground, heading into the building, the sound of laughter fading as the door slams behind him.

His boxers have vanished by the next morning, and he doesn’t see them again for a week, until one evening when he returns to his room after a particularly straining day, and finds that they’ve been laundered and folded, sitting in neat piles on his bed.

As he goes to return them to the correct drawers, he finds something lying on top.

Frowning, he picks it up, inspecting it. Almost dropping it when he realises what it is.

A Captain America Trading Card.

He’s always wanted one - they’re rare, some of them almost impossible to find. And even if he could find them, it wasn’t as if a secret agent in training could afford something like that. He turns it in his hand, and can’t help his wide grin as he runs his finger over the black marker lettering.

Peggy Carter.

If this is what he gets as an apology gift, he might just let Melinda May prank him more often.

As the months go by, their training increases, and Phil finds himself missing May’s company. He understands her humour better now, and they’ve shared words during and after sparring sessions together. Still he feels like he knows next to nothing about her; and that anything he did know came from his observations. He expects he’ll see her next in another month, either on the mats if they pair up, or at the range. She’s a great shot, but he doesn’t do too badly. The last place he expects to see her is at a communications run dance elective to prepare field agents for undercover missions.

“May.”

“Coulson.”

Phil watches her as she surveys the room with a disinterested look, before walking up next to him, and fixing him with a hesitant smile.

“Didn’t expect to see you here,” he tells her, breaking the ice, smirking as she smiles.

“I counted on you being here,” she says, grin widening.

The other cadets begin picking partners, and he scans the room briefly, before turning back to her and offering her an arm.

“Shall we?”

She snorts at him, rolling her eyes, and hooks her arm through his.

“Suppose I could do worse.”

Dancing, Phil likes it. He thinks that it is it’s own art form, the way two people move together, their steps mirroring one another's. It’s almost romantic.

“Ugh.”

Clearly May does not agree with him. It’s not even that she’s bad at it; in fact, he thinks they make a pretty good match; she fits well into his arms, and they’re not stepping on each other’s toes. She mumbles something about it being a waste of time, and he supposes with all the skills she already has mastery over, this one really is useless.

She lasts four more lessons, and while he’s disappointed, he’s really not surprised when she disappears after two weeks.

He lets out a loud groan as she pins him to the mats for the fourth time that day; this time knocking him flat on his back, and keeping him there with a foot on his chest.

“I don’t think I can do this,” he pants as she lets him up, before heading over to the edge of the room and tossing him a water bottle. He catches it in one hand above his head, uncapping the bottle and taking a couple of deep gulps, almost sighing in relief at the cool water running down his throat. He wishes he had a bucket of it to dump over his head.

“Stop dropping your left side. You’re leaving too much of an opening for your opponent.”

“Not everyone is born with your skills May.”

She smiles at him, shaking her head, and he likes this. Whatever this is. The banter, the sparring, having someone to talk to? He has pals back in communications; he’s got Garrett, but Garrett’s an ass and Melinda is just different. Makes him feel comfortable in a way that no one else can.

“You’ll be fine Coulson. If Blake managed to pass his field exam, you’ll ace it.”

She sits down on the mats beside him, and bumps her shoulder against his. He knows it’s her way of comforting him, and just the thought of that makes him feel better; lifts a little of the weight off his chest.

“Easy for you to say.”

She’s already finished her exams, passed with flying colours he expects. Probably already found out where she was being assigned after graduation. He feels a small pang of sadness when he realises that their days here are numbered.

“I’ll miss it you know. The academy. It’s gonna be a strange adjustment,” she admits with a shrug, tilting her head to the side and staring at him. Her hair is pulled back into a ponytail, which reaches nearly half way down her back now. It’s long again, nearly as long as it had been the day she whipped him in the face. He wonders if that much time has really passed, but then realises it’s been three years since he met her, and four years at the academy. He’s sentimental, likes holding on to the past, but that’s not a personality that suits someone in their profession. They need to learn to let things go.

“Nostalgia’s fine. But then life happens,” he tells her, and they share a moment of silence before she pushes herself back up and waves him towards her.

“Come on, Coulson. Let’s see what you’ve got.”

He’s not the only one without family at graduation. Many of the cadets have hidden the secret of their true profession from their family members; a spies life was designed for those who could survive alone.

Someone like him.

With nothing holding him back, no one to miss him should the worst occur.

Many of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s most legendary agents attend the ceremony - Fury claps him on the back, tells him he’s proud of him, and he actually has to conceal his emotions when he is introduced to the Peggy Carter, as one of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s best and brightest.

He finds himself standing there in awe, just listening to the conversation between the two, until someone draws his attention by tapping on his shoulder. He turns to see May standing there with a bright smile, face framed by waves today. She had made an effort for the ceremony, knowing Peggy would be in attendance, and she was...

She was beautiful.

That one thought clouds his judgement, pushing aside his doubts about forming connections with other people. Who knows where they’ll be off to tomorrow, and the day after that. Maybe they could have just one night. Maybe they could have more. He didn’t know.

“When this is over, do you want to grab a drink?” he asks, waving his arm to gesture around at the crowds of people scattered around the lawn.

She smiles at him, and it warms his heart.

“Sorry Coulson. I’m flying out with Peggy tonight,” she says, nodding towards where Fury and Peggy are still engaged in a discussion.

He tries not to let his disappointment show, shrugging. He’s taken his shot, missed. Time to move on.

But then she reaches out a hand and pats him on the arm, and for a reason he doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to explain, the fact that she has a smile on her face stops prevents him from feeling completely unhappy.

“Next time we’re in the same city, I’ll take you up on that offer, Agent Coulson.”

“It’s a deal, then, Agent May.”

It’s one that he looks forward to keeping.

#philinda #philinda fanfiction #otp: she means everything to me #type: fanfiction #ff: bs #originelle fic

57 notes · View notes

kathydsalters31 · 5 years ago

Text

10 Car Dog Harnesses to Keep Your Best Travel Companion Safe

This post has affiliate links. Find out more below.

Not a substitute for specialist veterinary assistance. Canines make wonderful auto friends– until they attempt to enter your lap while you’re driving! Even if your canine resolves silently in the back seat, it’s a great concept to secure them, just as we human beings placed on our seat belts. If a mishap were to happen, the fact is that pets on car flights are just as prone as people to injury. That’s why we’ve assembled some of the best automobile dog harnesses to aid you secure your puppy from injury.

Properly safeguarding your canine with a vehicle safety belt and/or a canine seat belt every time you drive is a wise concept. Six states need it. (Check this interactive map to examine the condition of canine car-safety regulations in your state.)Wherever you live, an auto harness might save your dog’s life in case of an accident. It likewise has the added benefit of maintaining pets from leaping into the pole position during rides or from jumping outside when you open the vehicle door.

When evaluating vehicle harnesses, there are a number of attributes you may wish to consider in addition to price: Whether the harness is crash-tested : Only a few cars and truck harnesses have been crash-test licensed by the Center for Pet Safety. Owning a crash-tested canine harness may give you added comfort that the harness will certainly

stand up in the event of a crash. Expect a crash-tested harness to be at the greater end of the rate variety. Whether a seatbelt accessory is included: Although some harnesses are offered as an established along with the seat belt attachment, others might offer the attachment

separately. Sizing: You’ll want to select the dimension of a harness based on your pet’s neck, size, and also chest measurements, instead of his weight, to ensure an excellent fit.

Measure your pet carefully before acquiring. Comfort and also building and construction: Look for information like a cushioned chest plate, supporting to prevent chafing, and also long lasting stitching and also materials. We especially like to see a life time service warranty, as provided by Kurgo and also Sleepypod.

Security note: Use an auto harness only when you, or another person, are in the cars and truck with your pet dog. If you ever before prepare to leave your pet alone in a lorry, ensure to unbuckle your pet dog initially. Laid off, the dog might end up being twisted in an auto harness or seat belt strap and wound themselves.

The Best Car Dog Harnesses

Sleepypod ClickIt Sport. Keep reading to discover more regarding it and also nine various other wonderful vehicle harness options. Certified by the Center for Pet Safety, this vehicle dog harness is made from resilient ballistic

nylon and has actually undertaken intensive safety screening. It features a three-point style to reduce ahead and sideways activity as well as affixes to the seat belt straight. It can additionally be made use of as a strolling harness, as it sporting activities a D-ring leash accessory on the back of the neck band. Wanderer’s Dog People Panel participant as well as professional fitness instructor Nicole Ellis highly advises this canine automobile harness. “It’s one-of-a-kind since it’s really crash-tested,” she states.

Note: This harness is not recommended for whippet, greyhound, saluki, Afghan pester, or Borzoi canine types.

Shop on Chewy

Shop on Amazon The PetSafe vehicle dog harness is easy to make use of and also the padding ahead makes it comfortable for canines toput on. Additionally, the harness

comes with a chain accessory(so you can utilize it for walks as well as potty breaks )plus the strap needed to affix it to the safety belt. Keep in mind that only the little, tool, as well as plus sizes of this harness are crash-test certified by the manufacturer. Shop on Chewy For lengthy road trips, this Ruffwear vehicle harness is a fantastic choice for extended time periods in the auto. It has a reduced link factor that allows dogs to relax pleasantly while using it. And also, it

‘s safe to make use of during rest quits and also potty brake with a leash. Find on Amazon

Because of its heavy-duty construction, this 4 × 4 North America car harness obtains the green light from owners of extra-large canines. Made from nylon and also stainless-steel, it can hold up against the heavier weight of bigger dogs. You can additionally use it as a walking harness– the reflective banding is made to boost your canine’s presence in low-light problems. Find on Amazon This Mighty Paw auto harness slips

quickly over a dog’s head, making it a fantastic alternative for pet dogs averse to step-in harnesses. With two chain add-on rings, on the front and also back, it can double as a no-pull strolling harness. You can likewise readjust the size of the secure. Note: You will certainly need to purchase a seat belt add-on independently, as one is not included with this harness. Shop on Chewy Whether you plan to use it in the car or while out on walks, this Kurgo Tru-Fit harness has you covered. It comes with a seat

belt attachment, all steel clasps, and also a no-pull design front D-ring leash attachment for strolling. This harness likewise flaunts 5 modification points on the bands to make certain an excellent fit for your pet. Verified evaluation:”&The fit was spot on. Scotch is a fighter mix, medium-sized(45 pounds)as well as has an extremely wide upper body however small midsection. In some cases it’s difficult to discover harnesses or layers that are big enough for his chest location. This one was perfect! Whiskey is a leash-puller, so it’s nice to have the alternative to clip in front or back. The firm fit provided far better support and also Whiskey appeared to like it a lot on our walk to the coastline.” Shop on Chewy This Lukovee car canine harness is a wallet-friendly alternative for keeping your furry good friend safe while traveling as well as contains a chain accessory ring so your pet can use it on short walks also.Constructed from mesh material, it slips conveniently over a pet dog’s

head as well as includes an elastic bungee cable safety belt attachment, created to prevent snagging if your vehicle stops instantly. This harness comes in 7 sizes, including XXX-small a young puppy or tiny dog. Find on Amazon The Easy Rider auto pet harness

also additionally functions as a strolling harness, so you’re ready to strike the ground running when you arrive at your location. It’s made to link to a front or rear seat belt as well as incorporates a padded chest band for convenience. This harness has been crash-tested by the supplier. Shop on Chewy This high-grade harness from Kurgo is constructed from a solitary piece of high-tensile tubular webbing. It has a padded, broad chest plate for convenience and also protection, designed to reduce ahead movement in case of abrupt stopping or effect. Crash-tested by the maker. Shop on Chewy Certified by the Center for Pet Safety, th Terrain harness from Sleepypod is designed for use in a back guest seat of your automobile. When utilized as an auto seat belt, it includes a three-point design that secures your canines entire upper body as well as uses fast connection and release. Developed to function as a strolling harness

, it consists of back reflective spots that you can interchange with your choice of custom-made patches.

Find on Amazon Extra Dog Car Safety Tips Packing for a trip? Your canine requires cars and truck snacks, water, as well as potty breaks– similar to you do. Make water readily available to your dog to stay clear of dehydration. Dishes, deals with, and eat toys are all wonderful options to keep your canine busy and sidetracked in the auto– a Classic Kong gives them every one of those things at the same time. If you have to leave your dog in the vehicle briefly, make sure to very first assess the temperature. What seems like a moderate day outside won’t feel so moderate inside the car. Remarkably, the temperature level inside the car on a 75-degree day can easily get to 100 degrees!.?.!! Pets can die inside warm cars, also if the home windows are left slightly open.

Lots of jurisdictions have actually passed

regulations against leaving a dog in the car. When unsure, as well as whenever you can, take your pup with you when you leave the automobile. A harness that has both auto and also chain accessory points will certainly assist!