#like spiders. or water in a house with poor plumbing

[faoggot]

[katnissmellarkkk]

Okayyyy here comes the next chapter ! Number .... lemme look. Okay, number six! 🥳🥳🥳

And yes, my thoughts as usual will be a messy, very Everlark-biased and full of typos. Letsss gooooo 🥰🥰🥰

Is this the first time Katniss and Peeta have been to their floor or is this just the most opportune time to explain and introduce the Tribute Center living quarters?

Also why are they called tributes anyway? That word suddenly seems weird to me after nine years... 🤔🤔🤔

“I've ridden the elevator a couple of times in the Justice Building back in District 12. Once to receive the medal for my father's death and then yesterday to say my final goodbyes to my friends and family” .... 😶😶 so only good memories and connotations to elevators then, huh?

“The walls of this elevator are made of crystal so that you can watch the people on the ground floor shrink to ants as you shoot up into the air.” My mind is just imagining the elevator in Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone’s Spider-Man movies 🤗.

“It's exhilarating and I'm tempted to ask Effie Trinket if we can ride it again, but somehow that seems childish” this is so cute and innocent omg. Katniss, like I said in my last chapter blog, still has some childlike innocence left in her 🥺🥺🥺. I’m a sad.

Also excuse the unnecessary extra gif use but 🤭🤭🤭

Oh wow, so Haymitch hasn’t been around since they were on the train? No wonder neither Katniss nor Peeta fled they could trust him for basically the entirety of the first book. 😐😐😐

You know it’s bad when Effie being around feels like a blessing to Katniss. Girl has more restraint than me, I’d have ripped off this woman’s janky wig by now without remorse. 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

Effie acts like they’re her purebred show dogs. I know I know how is this news, that’s a blatant fact. The movies really softened her up tho for the general audience. And I bleed the movies and books together more than I should 😔😔😔

Well at least she’s made herself useful, trying to get Everlark sponsors ... even if it’s ultimately to benefit herself above anyone else .... 😤

Effie calling Twelve barbaric while she’s preparing them for the slaughter isn’t even ironic it’s like literally just brainless. Johanna probably had the nickname floating around for a lot of people before she officially knighted Katniss with it 😭

“Everyone has their reservations, naturally. You being from the coal district.” Is this how they refer to Twelve? So basically if a district makes a better item, it’s a more worthy one in the Capitol’s eyes? So essentially, if District Eight made like diamonds or pearls or whatever then it would be more worthy? So are the districts assigned their numbers (one, two, three, four, etc) based on their order of importance to the Capitol’s lifestyle? I always thought it was based on their distance in relation to the Capitol? Okay so I didn’t really pay much attention to these facts previously when I read these books ok look away I’m an idiot

Omg 😭😭😭😭 Effie is such an idiot. But the coal turns to pearls thing is my favorite line from her only because it serves as the cutest inside joke when Peeta makes a callback to it in Catching Fire and Finnick is just like “why are these two teenagers so stupid who did I ally with? 🥵😳🥵😳🥵”

“I wonder if the people she's been plugging us to all day either know or care.” After reading Songbirds and Snakes, I’m sure they don’t have a clue, boo. 😑😑😑😑 although not everyone was an idiot back then ... maybe Snow is putting lead in the drinking water?

“But don't worry, I'll get him to the table at gunpoint if necessary.” I know she’s trying to help and I know we say this kind of thing today, but considering this is two kids she’s well aware will be heading into a death match this is just bad wording I know surprise surprise 🙄🙄🙄😬😬😬😬

“Although lacking in many departments, Effie Trinket has a certain determination I have to admire.” Katniss really does see the best in people. What’s sad, y’all, is I think Katniss unconsciously really tries to like people and that’s why she has her guard up so high. Because the softer you are, the easier people will step all over you. Terrible phrasing here, Samantha, I’m so sorry to any of my readers ... okay now that sounded arrogant, implying I have readers 🤭🤭🤭🤭🤣😅🤣😅🤣😅

“My quarters are larger than our entire house back home.” Omg? I mean, yes, I knew this already obviously no duh but like also. Just the fact that three people live in a space smaller than a bedroom and bathroom arena is saddy sad sad. Also do they have indoor plumbing in the Seam or is their backyards just full of—okay, I’ll see myself out. 😶🤭😅🙃

“The shower alone has a panel with more than a hundred options you can choose regulating water temperature, pressure, soaps, shampoos, scents, oils, and massaging sponges.” I’m just imagining a Spongebob scene ngl.

I’m sorry there’s so many gifs this time around it’s probably taking us out of the reading headspace I’ll never do it again 😩😩😩😩 I talk like I have a class of people listening to me 🤭🤭🤭

“Instead of struggling with the knots in my wet hair, I merely place my hand on a box that sends a current through my scalp, untangling, parting, and drying my hair almost instantly” I need this someone invent this NOW my brush is yanking out my hair 😔😩

“I program the closet for an outfit to my taste.” ‘Yes, Alexa, I’d like a hunting jacket, some boots and a green shirt. Yes, it can be brown.’

“You need only whisper a type of food from a gigantic menu into a mouthpiece and it appears, hot and steamy, before you in less than a minute.” I like this idea because it means that Peeta could order hot choccy to comfort Katniss after her nightmares in Catching Fire from the comfort of her their own bed. 🤗🤗🤗 also I want this for myself. The bad people are giving my greedy self ideas look away everyone 😬

“I walk around the room eating goose liver and puffy bread until there's a knock on the door.” 🤢🤢🤢🤢 Of everything you could have chosen, child, this is what you decided on? Someone help my girl and her rotten tastebuds now.

“Effie's calling me to dinner. Good. I'm starving.” Baby, you were just eating. She’s so nutritionally messed up. 😔😔😔

Katniss trying wine 🥳🥳🥳 she’s so funny, trying to find a way to improve the taste 😅. She’ll make a good taste tester for her baker husband one day.

Hahahaha Katniss not liking the feeling and judging Haymitch for always being tipsy. Also this is sad because she ends up addicted to morphling later one which is far worse than a little wine.

I’m glad to know Baked Alaska survived the apocalypse 😅🥳

Katniss just constantly trying to decipher the recipe of every meal and how to recreate it reads cute on a surface level but it’s actually so tragic because everything to this girl is based around food. Like even more than is typically noticed. They really should have given a hint at this in the first movie. Good thing she marries a man who can always keep her full.

I’m just forever side-eyeing you, Gare Bear.

That’s Gary Ross for the confused kids in the back.

Why does Katniss yelling mid-sentence, “oh! I know you!” add to her innocence? 🥺 it’s because she was overwhelmed by all the food and new luxuries she’d never even been able to imagine ... and also this is pre her first games so she’s still got some childhood left in her 😩😔

I wonder how Lavinia felt seeing Katniss volunteer and knowing she’d be her Avox? I wonder if she, like Cinna, somehow volunteered to be her Avox?

I mean ... talk about convenient placement that this specific girl was assigned to Katniss’ district—oh wait, y’all, I just caught myself. She’s from Twelve. She was assigned to Twelve’s tributes because she’s from there, duh. I’m such an airhead omg just call me Effie.

Don’t you actually dare.

“When I look back, the four adults are watching me like hawks.” Meanwhile, Peeta is just like 😬😬😬 eating his dinner.

Actually, ngl, this could be such a reach and it probably is but like maybe Peeta sensed a confrontation coming and, because of his implied upbringing, he naturally becomes silent or makes himself invisible when trouble starts looking like it’s gonna arise. 🥺🥺🥺 I don’t know why I say these things I’m just hurting my own feelings but ya know the drill. I thought it so I said it.

Why is Effie yelling at Katniss for saying she knows the Avox girl like omg overreaction much? And I know, the sky is blue 🙄🙄🙄 she’s prejudiced against basically everyone, I know, I know

Rip her wig off, Katty Deen 🤗🤗🤗

Oh I stupidly forgot that Avoxes are supposedly known by everyone to be traitors or criminals. So I suppose this isn’t Effie’s worst offense but I’m keeping a tally anyways

Katniss is blaming her stuttering on the wine but my girl just has social anxiety 😔😔😔

Peeta coming in with a save 😭😭😭 he’s already trying saving his girl 🤧

Alsoooo the unspoken friendship, the covering for the other and teaming up against the adults, is still riding high and going strong here 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰 look away, y’all, the shipper comments are coming in strong

Also why is this the first real interaction with Peeta in this chapter yet? My baby needs more page-time 🤭🤭🤭

“Delly Cartwright is a pasty-faced, lumpy girl with yellowish hair who looks about as much like our server as a beetle does a butterfly.” Now why did Katniss just tear Delly to shreds for no reason at all 😭😭😭 this was a surprise assault on the poor girl 🙃🙃🙃🙃

“She may also be the friendliest person on the planet - she smiles constantly at everybody in school, even me.” Okay not to tie absolutely everything back to Peeta ... but to tie absolutely everything back to Peeta ... this description of poor, sweet Delly is actually indicative of Peeta’s character? Since Delly, we find out in Mockingjay, is Peeta’s childhood best friend, her personality being this sunny, kind, good-natured person tells us Peeta has always probably been somewhat like her and perhaps not as much like the other town kids Katniss implies to be stuck up or snooty. Maybe Katniss is just shady and deflects onto others 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️.

Also the fact that she gives this like ... mean description of Delly but saw Peeta as popular, even though surely Delly and Peeta spent time at school together, implies further that Katniss did indeed harbor a secret crush on Peeta even before the reaping. A very mild comparison of his on her though, of course 😅😅😅

“It must be the hair” “something about the eyes too” their piggybacking on the other’s comments really is just chiefs kiss 😘🤗🥰🤧 FYI I know the saying is chefs kiss but I made the typo once a long time ago and decided to add it forever to my brand 🤗🙃🥳

Also though this Everlark interaction is reminiscent of when two kids get caught by their teacher goofing off in class and covering for each other 🥰 only it’s a lot more deadly stakes

“A few of the other couples make a nice impression, but none of them can hold a candle to us.” She’s so modest 🤧🤧🤧 her narration here and during the Tribute Parade just has the vibes of ... well .... sorry in advance

Haymitch’s comment “Just the perfect touch of rebellion. Very nice” leads me to think he and Cinna and maybe Portia were always in cahoots about the rebellion even before Katniss and Peeta came along and well ... lit their match on fire 🥁🤗🤣🤭

Katniss is like “rebellion??? Rebellion where??? What’s that you old people speak of???” And yet, girlfriend goes out to the woods and hunts illegally every day of her life 🤣🤣🤣🤣.

“But when I remember the other couples, standing stiffly apart, never touching or acknowledging each other, as if their fellow tribute did not exist” too lazy too look it up but there’s a quote from Ballad about Lucy Gray and Jessup being distinguished by their visible friendship too that set them apart from the other tributes.

Either Suzanne thought of drawing a nice parallel showing what a failed Everlark attempt looks like, because I firmly stand by the fact that without their real feelings behind their act, even Katniss’ unconscious ones, they wouldn’t have pulled it off, or Suzzie just reused her own content. I prefer the former but I think it’s probably the latter 🤭🤭🤭

“Now go get some sleep while the grown-ups talk." I know Haymitch is being facetious here but this quote reminded me of the fact that the movies would have hit differently if they’d cast actual sixteen year olds in the roles.

“When we get to my door, he leans against the frame, not blocking my entrance exactly but insisting I pay attention to him.” This is such a flirty, high school boy pose, you cannot convince me otherwise 😭😭😭

Also I definitely feel like Peeta is getting more and more confident here because he’s oblivious to Katniss’ inner monologue as much as she is his actually we all are his sadly and he probably thinks she’s starting to like him 🤧🤧🤧

“So, Delly Cartwright. Imagine finding her lookalike here." 🤣 He honestly cracks me up idk why this line isn’t even special or that great. He’s just so ... subtly nosy / funny. Which brings me to that quote from Mockingjay where Katniss talks about his sense of humor because it’s one of the things she loves most about him 😭😭😭

But he’s like, “I can keep a secret, Katniss, tell me who that tongueless chick is to you 😬”

Katniss stop talking about debts, friends cover for the other all the time 🙄🙄 I know it’s in her character stop yelling at a fish for swimming that’s not a real phrase I know that too

Okay first of all, they’re about to share a secret 🥰🥰🥰🥰. My shipper goggles are on tight and obstructing my vision. I know this and am proud 😬🥳🤗

And secondly, “Maybe sharing a confidence will actually make him believe I see him as a friend.” Hey, butthead, you two are already friends. She doesn’t even recognize that the girl who constantly sits with her, talks to her, eats with her and trades with her is her friend either though, I’m shocked she calls Gale her friend

Does Peeta get to know Cinna too? I don’t think so but it’s mentioned now a couple times in this chapter alone that Peeta has interacted with Cinna. Katniss never interacts or has a conversation with Portia.... then again, is that even surprising? Katniss isn’t ... what you would call ... social. Hashtag relatable.

Awww, they’re communicating so effectively together 🥰😭🤧🥳

Also rooftops belong to Everlark only 😍😊😉 I mean, seriously, Katniss never goes up on a rooftop with anyone else. Besides Haymitch in the first movie but we ignore.

“Electricity in District 12 comes and goes, usually we only have it a few hours a day.” Earlier she said the Seam didn’t often have electricity, in particular, so either she’s not specifying her section of the district anymore or Suzanne is backtracking.

“But here there would be no shortage. Ever.” I’ve had two power outages recently so clearly the Capitol isn’t based on us currently today then 😐😐 I’m just joking ok

“I asked Cinna why they let us up here. Weren't they worried that some of the tributes might decide to jump right over the side?” .... boyfriend, where does your mind go sometimes? Peeta’s darker than we realize, y’all 🤭🤭🙃🙃

“He holds out his hand into seemingly empty space. There's a sharp zap and he jerks it back” between this and Catching Fire, Peeta is addicted to getting shocked by forcefields 🤧🤧🤧

“I wonder if we're supposed to be up here now, so late and alone.” If this was a romantic drama or comedy, that line would have meant something a lot more fun 😒😔😬😉😏

“On the other side of the dome, they've built a garden with flower beds and potted trees.” Is this meant to resemble Snow’s grandmother’s garden???? Like he had them put a garden there to like ... put a piece of his Grandma’am in the games? Idk this made zero sense it was a stupid thought

Two people in a garden at night, with wind chimes, sounds romantic in any other context. 🥺🥺

Ummm does everyone in the entire district know Katniss and her father used to hunt together?

Oh nevermind, Lavinia is not from District Twelve. My bad, guys. I should go up and edit my previous thoughts but that’s a lot of work. 😅😅😅

Katniss, stop being so hard on yourself. You and Gale were kids. 😣😣

Ummm, Katniss for a girl always complimenting Peeta’s storyteller, you’re pretty good at painting a picture yourself...

Peeta noticing she’s shivering 🥰🥺

He gives her ... his jacket 😭😭😭😭 such a romantic troupe Samantha, get over it there’s literally children dying

Oh wow, Lavinia was from the Capitol originally. Hmm, it is sus now that she got District Twelve this particular year.

But also 🤧🤧🤧 “he secures a button at my neck.”

His hands .... are .... often .... at her .... neck .... 😶😬 .... look away, y’all

Oh wow, Katniss is over here thinking, “who’d leave the Capitol if they were from here???” And Peeta’s like instantly, loudly, without hesitating, “well I would 🙋🏼‍♂️”

Hot take, y’all ready? Peeta was a bigger rebel than Katniss from the start. At least internally.

Awww, Peeta is so jealous 😭😭😭😭 and kind of nosy 🤭🤭🤭

Katniss : “me and Gale are not related” Peeta : “😬🙃😭😩😶”

“I'd set out to tell her I was sorry about dinner. [...] my apology runs much deeper. [...] I let the Capitol kill the boy and mutilate her without lifting a finger. Just like I was watching the Games.” I feel like this is actually a good comparison though, because of you grew up in a society where you have to watch kids die, your whole entire life you’ve watched it in a glorified television show, you would be really desensitized to it...

“You don't forget the face of the person who was your last hope.” Here she’s talking about Lavinia but it applies to Peeta too. Katniss was Lavinia’s last hope and she feels like she let her down but Peeta was her last hope once and he came through. And, as she said in chapter one, she’ll never forget him for it. And for other things too. Later on. 😏

Of course my last bullet point was focused on Everlark 🤣 is anyone surprised you shouldn’t be we all knew who this post was written by right? 😅

And once again, if too made through this marathon, congratulations 🥳🥳🥳🥳 maybe next chapter I’ll talk less not likely though so don’t count on it 😅

[kijiboop]

Trevor x Batgirl: Detox - Chapter Four

Warnings: see previous chapters. Still with the violence, unhealthy relationships, rape and death threats, drug use etc. This is the last chapter, though.

I thought it was a few hours later when I got up and wandered into the living room, but the way she looked at me said something else. She got up from the couch and crossed to me, her eyes wary and worried. “How are you feeling?” she asked me.

“Itchy,” I said honestly and scratched my fingers into the beard that had grown while I Rip VanWinkled. It was patchy at best, the way it usually was and mostly just made me feel grosser than usual. When I met her eyes, I realized my choice of words may not have been the best. “Not that kind of itchy,” I added quickly. “Just… itchy.” I gestured to my face.

“Hungry?” she asked quietly.

“No.” I looked at the door to the bathroom for longer than necessary, then started toward it. “I’m gonna shower and shave. This shit’s disgusting.”

Before the door swung shut after me, she said, “Want company?”

Better not. You’ll just hit her again. I tried to ignore my father’s voice and shook my head. “I’m alright.” I took a few minutes to shave. It’s really hard to shave without looking at yourself. I managed mostly by touch. Once I was in the shower, I looked down in something like horror. I’ve never been real macho or pumped up about how I look, but I looked like shit. I could see my ribs above a pot belly that I didn’t remember being that bad before. My chest looked sunken and my skin sort of sagged. “I look like an addict,” I said to myself, half amused and half horrified. I soaped myself clean, washed my hair and tried not to notice how much of it slipped away down the drain. As I was letting the water drain, I looked down at myself again and frowned. How long had I been out? I re-acquainted myself with my dick--Your only real friend. Shut up, Dad.--and when I was sure all the plumbing seemed in order, I toweled off and got out of the shower. I reached for the clothes I had been wearing and was surprised to find them gone, replaced by clean shorts, a pair of sweatpants and a clean t-shirt. Sometimes she was like a fucking house elf.

In the living room, I found Batgirl curled on the couch and watching a TV show that seemed vaguely familiar but I couldn’t place it. It looked like one of those police procedurals. She looked up at me when I leaned on the back of the couch and I tried not to see the concern and hope in her eyes. Those eyes seemed bluer than I remembered. Is it possible to get a Tide treatment on eyes? “Better?”

I nodded. I did feel better. Cleaner, at least. I looked down at my hands and realized they were shaking. Nothing itched right now, but I suspected the spiders would be back if I stayed awake too much longer. “I’m not dead,” I said. It came out like an accusation and I tried to bite it back.

“You’re not,” she agreed. “I’m glad.” I snorted and she came up to her knees on the seat of the couch. Her arms curled around me where I stood behind her couch and she pressed her face into the hollow place in my chest, just above that potbelly I was trying not to think about. “I missed you.”

I tried to breathe normally, but it hitched in strangely and I pulled out of her arms. She reached after me for a split second and her eyes were sad. “You have serious damage,” I informed her. “And you say I’m the one who needs help.”

“You are.” She settled against the back of the couch again, just her chin resting on the back while she hugged her arms around herself. “I’ve gone and gotten mine. I’m still getting better.” When I stared at her, she shrugged with a small smile and said, “Chronic major depression, generalized anxiety disorder with social anxiety, severe dopamine deficiency and poor social conditioning. Prescribed 50mg Prozac, 300mg Wellbutrin, cognitive behavioral therapy, talk therapy and continued monitoring by mental health professionals. Which means weekly therapy visits and quarterly meds check-ups.”

She had damage. She really did. I couldn’t process it. For as long as I had been here with her, I still could not grasp how someone as calm, as content, as visibly happy as she was could still hide the suicidal maniac I had seen in her journals. I couldn’t imagine how any doctor-approved medicine could course-correct her from the rock bottom I knew so well. How had I ended up here and she ended up there? Was it just the class divide? I thought about how fast Michael’s life had gone to shit, regardless of his living situation. Her voice whispered to me from inside: I got help.

I shook my head slowly and turned away from her. I waved a hand dismissively at her and walked off to find shoes. This shit was beyond me and I wanted something to make it clearer again. That last hit out by the barn still called my name and this was all too much for me to handle sober. I heard her say my name, but I ignored her. When I opened the door, she said it again and there was something in her voice that haunted me. I stalked all the way out into the field, refusing to examine that haunting. I dug into the ground where I had buried the last of my stash. When my hand had closed on the plastic, I stopped.

Trevor. Her voice echoed and refracted in my head until I pressed myself into the scratchy grass and muddy clay. I screamed. I tried to scream her voice out of my head and it wouldn’t go. I wanted the crystal clarity, but I wanted her, too. I wanted to know she as safe. Safe from me maybe above all. If I fell back into this, I couldn’t make sure she was safe. I screamed again. And again. I just screamed myself hoarse with my hand tight on that little bag of clarity.

“Trevor!” This time, her voice wasn’t in my head. Her arms were around me and her face was pressed against my shoulder. She pulled on me. She pulled on me with more than just her arms and her voice. She dragged me back and I let her. I left the crystal in its hole. She wrapped herself around me and I couldn’t find a reason to push her away.

Michael could.

You’re a worthless excuse for a human being, Trevor. Your death would be a blessing for this poor chick. You should finish what you started with that shit in the hole. Kill yourself and get it over with. Fall deep in your pit and never come out, you shitbag failure. Spare her the view of your wasted ass when you go. Clean up your mess and die somewhere she doesn’t have to look at you.

I tried to scream again, but her hand was on the side of my face and she was kissing me. She held me against her and kissed me until the urge to scream had passed and all I could do was hold onto her. I kissed her and I fell apart in her arms. I kissed her until all my voices fell silent in my head and my fingers tangled in her hair. “Stay with me,” she whispered against my mouth. “I want you here with me. Please.”

“I don’t fucking understand,” I gasped.

“Then don’t understand,” she whispered and when I looked at her, her face was streaked with tears. “Just stay.”

“How?” I asked. I felt so helpless. “How am I supposed to stay? I’ll just fuck everything up for you. I’m a worthless addict with no future. You’re supposed to hate fucktards like me. You’re supposed to pity me, walk away quickly, buy me a bottle of water and a sandwich because you can’t give me money, I’d only spend it on drugs. Anything but stay close to me. The best I can do for you is die somewhere that’s easy to clean up.”

Her forehead rested against mine and her eyes were closed when she whispered, “Marry me.” I knew I couldn’t have heard her right, so I just pretended my imagination hadn’t come up with those words. But she insisted on saying them again. “Trevor, marry me. If you’re my husband, you’re covered by my insurance. I can get you the help you need. I know you can come back from this. I… need you to come back from this. Please, let me help you.”

I stared at her in confusion. “I’m a worthless addict with a criminal record, Batgirl,” I finally said and her eyes opened to look at me. “I can’t get married. Why would you… how…?”

She leaned down and kissed me again. “It’s practical,” she said. “You need help, Trevor and I can’t do it on my own. I do want to help you. I… I think I need to help you.” We stayed there for a few seconds, just clinging to each other in the shadow of the barn. “You’re not worthless,” she said with her face buried in my neck. “You aren’t.”

I got help.

I made back alley deals for a new identity. Trevor Gordon. It made her smile.

I did favors. I called others in.

I told her to look the other way and I would find a way to make it work. She did, but she never let go of me. Not for a second.

We got married. The magistrate’s office is in the county jail, which was just fucking perfect. I felt like they were going to arrest me at any second, tell me there was a mistake and I was supposed to be on the other side of the fence. I was jonesing when we were there and it was like fire under my skin. I wanted to sprint for the road, throw myself under the next car and save her from what she was doing to herself. She held my hand and her eyes never left mine when she said she would take care of me, in sickness and health. She promised to stand by me. To support me. When she kissed me with the permission of the magistrate, I kissed her back with my brain on fire and melting around me.

Nothing made sense. But I had said those words, too. I promised to honor and cherish. To protect. To support. Part of me screamed that I didn’t have a right to say them, that I wouldn’t know commitment if I was bound to it with iron. Part of me laughed that it wasn’t commitment, that none of this was real and it was just a legal transaction, something so the doctors would write the right pills. But I kissed her like I meant every word I said.

She got me help. I went to those doctors, let them check me over both inside and out. I came back with a surprisingly clean bill of health, actually: no AIDS, no syphilis, not so much as a case of herpes. I had never realized how lucky I was. The worst they found was high cholesterol and high blood pressure, a mild case of malnutrition, dehydration. Batgirl said I had been down almost six weeks without food, so that explained the malnutrition, anyway. One doc took a few small pieces off my ear because they “looked precancerous” and I just kind of sat there for that. Precancerous. I’d never so much as thought of dying of cancer. I had always assumed something else would get me first.

I went to a therapist. The big scary kind with high fees and a couch. She didn’t make me use the couch, just talked to me seriously for a while about depression and bipolar disorders. She talked to me seriously about some of the best ways to shake addiction, especially if I wasn’t willing to get professional rehab. There was a lot of hinting and urging for a facility. I even brought the idea up with Batgirl. She asked me what I wanted. I told her I wanted to stay with her. We threw away the brochures. The doc prescribed me medications, low dosages at first to start and then bumping them up. When some things worked and others didn’t, she rearranged things, all the while talking about finding “normal” for me.

Normal. My normal has never been normal by anyone else’s standards. But living with Bee, I wanted normal. I wanted to feel like I could stand next to her without being afraid of hurting her. Like I deserved to be there. I wanted to feel like she wasn’t wasting her life helping me. I wanted to kiss her like she was my wife in more than just legality.

As the medications picked at my brain chemistry, things started getting clearer. It got easier to banish my father’s voice and its constant hissing worthlessness, Michael’s invasive suicidal rants, Ryan’s maniacal urges to destroy. I started to identify them for what they were and push them away. Sleeping was easier. So was getting up again. I started feeling curious about where she lived, why she had chosen here of all places to live. I started walking across the field to meet the neighbors. I started helping with their chores and they started paying me.

And I stayed. I stayed close to her. A few weeks after we were married officially, I came up behind her in the kitchen while she was making dinner and just put my hands on her hips. She was humming something to herself and she stopped just long enough to lean back against my chest, then continued. I realized she would let me touch her. Pretty much any time I wanted to touch her, she was open to being touched. I didn’t have to ask, though I did a lot, especially at first. She went out of her way to make sure she didn’t startle me if she was going to touch me, but I started to get used to her hands on me, too. She rubbed my shoulder if she was walking past me. I would kiss her hair when she came home from work. We showered together, just that simple act of being close to each other while we got clean. Our usual personal space zone narrowed to almost nothing at all. She fell asleep in my lap while we watched Netflix. I sat on the floor with her legs draped over my shoulders. I rode next to her in the car with my hand on her leg. Or her hand on mine.

Slowly, the ache I had come to expect as normal started to ease. I didn’t feel like I was alone all the time. Her hand on my back was enough to remind me that I was supposed to be here, even if it didn’t make sense.

All of the help made things easier. It didn’t make things perfect. I’m still an asshole, still twitchy and hair-trigger with my temper. I still get cravings. That last hit is still in its hole beside the barn. She knows it’s there. We don’t talk about it but I can see her thinking about it sometimes. I know she sees me thinking about it, too. But I haven’t thrown a punch in anger since I went clean. I’m proud of that.

By the time she torched the couch, I was more comfortable touching her than not touching her. We navigated the space between us with a strange balance of intuition and attention. She knew where I was. I knew where she was. We didn’t collide very often and when we did, it was intentional.

Being with Batgirl eased my soul. I started to think of myself as having one, for that matter. Her quiet routine gave me space to do what I needed to do and find what I needed to find. Which was her and the quiet itself. When I found those rings at the antique shop, I knew I was ready to make good on my promises. I knew it was time for me to be useful, too.

@lissachan504 @genevievedarcygranger @lucifers-trash-stash @vizhi0n

[barefoodangelblog]

Pure Breath

As wildfires continue to rage in California, toxic smoke is filling homes, apartments and businesses with airborne carcinogens that may cause cancer, heart disease and respiratory problems like asthma.

The fine particles of burned materials in smoke embed themselves into our lungs, causing burning and irritation in the short term, but exposure to fire smoke is treacherous, and has been linked to serious diseases and even premature death. With the possibility of over 1,500 invisible and potentially toxic substances contaminating your air space right now, poor quality air from fire smoke can aggravate heart, lung, and inflammatory diseases, causing acute symptoms and hospitalizations.

We are exposed to a wide variety of airborne particles and contaminants on a daily basis whether we are at home, in the office, driving, or being in public spaces.

Additionally, as the Woolsey Fire made its way across Ventura County, it burned around the Santa Susana Field Lab1)https://www.psr-la.org/massive-woolsey-fire-began-on-contaminated-santa-susana-field-laboratory-close-to-site-of-partial-meltdown/?fbclid=IwAR1VSuVOY8O-zqDQC4XAydt2dK4TFomwK1a0yGXFKVpyR4AGB6qQfU7fz3w jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_1").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_1", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] });, a site that has been considered “significantly contaminated” by decades of rocket and nuclear reactor testing and a partial nuclear meltdown in 1959. The fire burnt through area four. That area had plutonium under ground.

Residents are worried smoke created near the hazardous site could prove particularly dangerous.

The Department of Toxic Substances Control released a public statement2)https://www.dtsc.ca.gov/upload/Community-Update-on-Woolsey-Fire-and-SSFL.pdf jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_2").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_2", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); claiming there was no immediate cause for concern about smoke from the site that actually started at area 4 of the field lab where plutonium was buried underground.

Santa Susana Field Lab3)https://data.nbcstations.com/national/KNBC/la-nuclear-secret/ jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_3").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_3", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); was used for testing by various agencies starting in 1947. The site–which was chosen in part because, at the time, it was far from residential development–was used to test rockets, weapons, and nuclear technology. There were ten experimental nuclear reactors at the lab, one of which went into partial meltdown4)https://psmag.com/environment/50-years-after-nuclear-meltdown-3510 jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_4").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_4", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); on July 12, 1959. An effort to clean the site5)https://www.vcstar.com/story/news/local/communities/simi-valley/2018/08/21/simi-valley-santa-susana-field-lab-cleanup-delayed-again-nuclear-meltdown/978261002/ jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_5").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_5", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); has suffered many delays because the department of substance control didn’t do its job and protect the residents and the environment.

On November 13, 2018, only six days after the first fire breaking out,  the Los Angeles County Department of Public Health Department released a statement on Santa Susan Field Laboratory saying that “there was no discernible level of radiation in the tested area”.  This is the same agency who in 2007 issued a consent letter to Ventura County Supervisor Linda Parks endorsing the use of hydroflurosilicic acid (not the naturally occurring mineral but the chemical by product of manufacturing companies) in our public water municipal systems: based on other agency’s endorsement. No reference to toxicological reports were given. Maybe that is because there was none.

Physicians for Social Responsibility Los Angeles is refuting the Department of Toxic Substances Control’s claim that the path of the Woolsey Fire isn’t likely to have resulted in particularly toxic smoke or ash.

Dr. Robert Dodge, the organizations president wrote, “We know what substances are on the site and how hazardous they are. We’re talking about incredibly dangerous radionuclides and toxic chemicals such a trichloroethylene, perchlorate, dioxins and heavy metals. These toxic materials are in SSFL’s soil and vegetation, and when it burns and becomes airborne in smoke and ash, there is real possibility of heightened exposure for area residents.” Read their full statement here.

Indoor air pollution is made up of solid and liquid particles that are suspended in your air – or particulate matter.

These suspended particles can consist of dust, metals, smoke, liquid droplets, chemicals and pollen. And most contaminants aren’t visible.

Here are the types of contaminants that could be in your house:

Formaldehyde from paint, bookshelves, cabinets, beds, plastics, cosmetics, fabrics, pillows and drapes

VOCs, or volatile organic compounds, from paint, pesticides, building and hobby materials, cleaners and cabinetry

Lead from old paint (simply opening an old painted window can release it into your air)

Airborne bacteria and viruses from humans, pets, moist surfaces and ventilation systems

Flame-retardant chemicals from furniture, carpeting and mattresses

Fragrances and other chemicals from candles and cleaning and laundry supplies

Mold, mildew and other pollutants from faulty plumbing and leaky foundations and roofs

Dander and allergens from pets and other animals

Tobacco smoke, including second- and third-hand smoke

Compounds from cooking. Roasting or frying food creates organic compound byproducts and without proper ventilation, Korean researchers have found the concentration of these dust particles can reach levels 25 times higher than what’s considered “very unhealthy!”

These pollutants can contribute to the development of allergies, headaches, general fatigue, thyroid disorders, memory and fertility issue and even more serious conditions like cancer or nervous system disorders.

Substances like formaldehyde, certain VOCs and flame retardants are known or suspected carcinogens.

Air is a precious resource. We’d die in moments without it. We can die from it slowly and painfully if the quality is polluted.

If you can not move or be in a space where air is pure and clean, create that space.

Plants to the Rescue

Nature has provided many air-purifying plants6)https://www.huffpost.com/entry/best-houseplants-destress_n_2964013 jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_6").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_6", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] }); that can help to reduce the amount of toxins floating in the air of your home. There are many other houseplants that can help to filter the air you breathe and keep your living space fresh7)http://www.fresh.news/ jQuery("#footnote_plugin_tooltip_1976_7").tooltip({ tip: "#footnote_plugin_tooltip_text_1976_7", tipClass: "footnote_tooltip", effect: "fade", fadeOutSpeed: 100, predelay: 400, position: "top right", relative: true, offset: [10, 10] });, clean and oxygenated, but these are definitely some of the best.

English Ivy is hands-down the number one air-purifying plant to grow indoors. It’s got incredible filtering abilities — it can even remove formaldehyde from the air!

Aloe vera plants are another great choice for air-cleansing. They help to boost the oxygen levels in your home, and absorb toxins such as formaldehyde, carbon monoxide and carbon dioxide from the air.

Peace lillies are another great low-maintenance option for removing toxins from the air.

Spider plants are known for their ability to absorb toxins like benzene, styrene, carbon monoxide and formaldehyde. One spider plant can effectively filter a 200 square-foot room!

Snake plants are unique in that they release carbon monoxide from the air and release oxygen at night, rather than during the day, so having one in your bedroom might even help you sleep better.

The red-edged dracaena is a striking, tall plant that pulls double-duty as both a great decoration, and an air-purifier. The dracaena filters out several toxins from the air, such as xylene, trichloroethylene, and formaldehyde.

You may even want to see about buying a little potted plant for your desk at work, if you can.

Air Purifying System I Trust

For something more heavy duty, here is a portable, high-efficiency particulate air (HEPA) filter, which can capture ultrafine particles.

Super Adsorbent Seven-Stage Pre-Filter * Poly Propylene Mesh: Large particle collector of dust, hair and lint * Anti-Microbial: Reduces bacteria growth in filter * Carbon Pellets: VOC/Gas Adsorbent * Zeolite Pellets: VOC/Gas Adsorbent * Potassium Permanganate: VOC/Gas Adsorbent * Poly Propylene Mesh: Large particle collector of dust, hair and lint * Anti-Microbial: Reduces bacteria growth in filter

Patented Germ Capture Zone * 316–18 kv of energy effectively captures the heartiest of microorganisms * 99–100% of viruses * 98–100% of bacteria * 94–100% of mold and fungi * Exclusive, Spun Sealed SST

Technology guarantees a 100% filter seal * Dual Air Intake Blower increases air intake and provides quiet operation

DFS Main Filter Captures and traps 99.99% of ultrafine particles and microorganisms down to the size of 0.007 micron passing through the system. DFS reduces bioburden and inhibits microorganism’s growth through Microbiostatic condition, resulting in the most powerful indoor air purification in the world.

360º Air Entry Design Allows placement anywhere, ensuring all room air is treated

“One’s Health and One’s Wealth”

Invest in your health.

To find out more about this air purifying system, call 818-575-7558 *Save $100 with Coupon Code: BAREAIR 

Leave your thoughts and ideas directly in the comment section below. Remember, share as much detail as possible in your reply. Your comments may provide insight and inspiration and your experience may help someone else have a meaningful breakthrough. Links to other posts, videos, etc. will be deleted as they come across as spammy. Thank you as always, for watching, sharing and allowing me to be a part of your world. It’s a true honor. Feel free to share this post. Ask your friends and family to sign up through this link to automatically receive my latest posts/recipes/practical healthful ideas.

I would really appreciate it if you could share this post socially. If you hover over the main image (the very top image), it will show you the social sites to choose from. Click on any of the social site buttons and share.

To Your Health,

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Want to know centenarian’s secret to longevity and vitality, ease in mobility, health and vibrance? It’s not just their diet but where they sourced their food. How would you like to source food like a Centenarian without moving to a Blue Zone so you can start looking and feeling your best and enjoying life?

References   [ + ]

1. ↑ https://www.psr-la.org/massive-woolsey-fire-began-on-contaminated-santa-susana-field-laboratory-close-to-site-of-partial-meltdown/?fbclid=IwAR1VSuVOY8O-zqDQC4XAydt2dK4TFomwK1a0yGXFKVpyR4AGB6qQfU7fz3w2. ↑ https://www.dtsc.ca.gov/upload/Community-Update-on-Woolsey-Fire-and-SSFL.pdf3. ↑ https://data.nbcstations.com/national/KNBC/la-nuclear-secret/4. ↑ https://psmag.com/environment/50-years-after-nuclear-meltdown-35105. ↑ https://www.vcstar.com/story/news/local/communities/simi-valley/2018/08/21/simi-valley-santa-susana-field-lab-cleanup-delayed-again-nuclear-meltdown/978261002/6. ↑ https://www.huffpost.com/entry/best-houseplants-destress_n_29640137. ↑ http://www.fresh.news/

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