#like s10 we take it slow

[crafting-mojo]

why you looking at me with those big ol eyes

[writella]

hi! s10 is so fun so enjoy it when you start it! can i request a daryl smut of any kind?

Before We Leave

Synopsis: Here’s one about you sitting all sweet on Daryl’s lap because I have not stopped thinking about him holding you in his arms and giving you all the kisses after reading this headcanon! ♡

Details: Daryl Dixon x fem!reader, set during the period between seasons 8-9, kissing, smut—grinding, thigh riding, fingering, making a mess when you have places to go (such sillies). Mostly proofread. Feel free to give feedback!

A/N: It’s been a minute, guys, I know :( and to ava, so sorry for the wait ♡ I hope you like this and I can’t wait to get to season 10 too!! And know that I definitely still have your initial request in mind for later on!!

First, you noticed his hair: ever so endearingly disheveled, the waves falling so effortlessly as they did in their shaggy way; and then you noticed his skin— it shined. Normally, this would have been because of work and sweat from the late spring heat, but he was clean, he had showered today. He even changed his clothes, and surprisingly, his light beard was trimmed, his face was washed too– it illuminated with his small lazy smile that appeared as you came through the door. He looked so nice and ready to go. Your handsome man. He was waiting for you.

He wore a dark blue long-sleeve, the buttons at the start undone, exposing the top of his chest as he always preferred. And his sleeves, only just big enough to be slightly loose around his arms; they were rolled up at the forearms. It looked good. Though the better fit was his equally loose vest that was layered on top. Seeing it reminded you of how much you missed it. It took him so long to get it back from Dwight. It’s only now that you’re realizing how it fits again, how well it suits him. It’s not that he needed it of course, but you did love how it completed every outfit he wore, making it just so him.

In fact, everything about him was so, so—

“Hey,” he calls to you, his voice itself a finger snap to your attention, “you alright there?”

“Yeah,” you respond, meeting his eyes as you pathetically try to joke, “Just can’t think of the last time I actually saw you sit. We’re always… fighting or doing something aren’t we?”

“Mmhm.” He smiles inwardly. Your staring was nothing short of obvious, and you both know it: You were leaning against the door frame, eyes wide and lingering, trailing over him as he sat on your desk chair. But to him it was sweet, honestly. Almost humorous to see. It was nice to see you smile over nothing other than looking at dumb old him, or at least that's what he assumes of himself. He should know better by now than to think like that, but it's still just his way sometimes. You were in love with him though, and he loved you; and you liked looking at his dumb old face, and he knew that. That's why he doesn’t mind your gazing. That’s why he says, “C’mon,” patting his lap, knowing you wanted to come closer; his eyes catching how much yours went lower and lower, changing from innocent peerings to just a little something else, something more.

You’re hesitant at his invitation, but smiling like a kid. It's true you couldn’t help how good his thighs looked and how good the fingers that splayed over them were— rough and thick— their feeling on your skin taking you back to the past— but his noticing… Well, it just makes you blush. It makes you take slow footsteps, one in front of the other as you come closer to him, bashful and snickering. Once you’re near enough he holds you by the hips and you skip to meet his movements towards him. He turns your backside to him on the right side of the chair and sits you down, horizontal from his forward figure.

“Silly,” he calls you, flicking your nose as he taunts. It’s gentle and harmless even in his typical, slightly grumbled tone.

You wrap your arms around his shoulders, your wrists and hands curling at his neck, your side pressed into him. He feels bigger when you’re in his arms like this. As if he can comfort you or sheild you from anyone or anything— and you know he could. So safe is what you feel with him; the sigh you let out proves it. The fighting may have finished almost a year ago now, but moments like this are truly what feels like peace. And with that, your mind drifts backwards again. Realizing how you don’t remember the last time you’ve sat like this. With him. Just holding you.

One of his hands holds your thigh while the other grounds you by the lower waist, nearing your hip. You turn your face to his, raising a hand, parting some of the hair in front of his forehead, holding his jaw and you kiss him. You put your tongue between his lips. It’s quick but tender. There is a tiny trail of spit between you two as you let go. Tilting your head, you look at him with an already happy and dazed little smile. You don’t remember the last time you got a good look at him either. And you’re not talking about any of the times you’ve looked at him while simply talking or standing by him, that was almost all the time; but for so long standing next to each other was to cover one another in a fight, kill a walker, but this— this was simply because you wanted to, because he was yours, and you loved him, and you could.

He goes in to meet your lips first this time, holding you by the neck and jaw with one hand, and the other is at your back making you lean in closer. You give in to him, let him take the lead. Your feet curl under the chair and you smile into his indefinite kisses. It makes you accidentally nip at his lower lip which turns into him intentionally biting your lip thereafter. It’s just a bit harder, but he might have done it a tad more sharply than he intended.

“Ow,” you hiss, hushed and soft between breaths, but he’s already soothing the area at the corner there, giving you a lick and little pecks before returning to what he was doing before: kissing you and kissing you.

“You’re fine,” he tells you dryly in between.

Your hands lowers to his chest, feeling his collarbones, then down to his heart. Your fingers rest on the exposed skin there, then trailing lower, ghosting over the closed buttons. You want to, but maybe you shouldn’t. It wasn’t exactly the time.

Originally, you had come home to shower and change: Everyone was having dinner together at Rick and Michonne’s tonight, the first time in a long time. In fact, it was Judith who requested it; she said specifically how much she wanted all of her friends to be there. And you couldn’t disappoint the sweet girl who gave you a construction paper and crayon written invitation, asking you to promise Uncle Daryl would come. The ticket was for both of you, a little picture of you two holding hands at the bottom. ‘Pretty smile you,’ and ‘grumpy pants him,’ she explained.

It was hilariously perfect and it made your heart leap. You and Micchone laughed for a whole minute about it and you hugged Judith immediately after.

Though you couldn’t believe that she could possibly think Daryl wouldn’t come. Of course he’d do anything for her, and you would too, so just as much, ‘Of course,’ you told her, ‘We’ll even be there 10 minutes early so we can pick seats next to you,’ you had said.

But now you’re here, in such a cliche you’d roll your eyes at if you weren’t so in the moment, with Daryl touching up your leg and you allowing it. For once, you’re the one all dirty in your work clothes. And the longer you kiss him, and the longer he holds you on his lap, the more you feel it; the want, the need. You’re getting restless and you’re struggling to weigh the options in your mind.

You lived in Alexandria, helping Rick, Micchone, Rosita… And Daryl, he was sent off to head reconstruction at the Sanctuary: you two don't get to see each other as often as you’d like.

And the Sanctuary wasn’t a place you particularly liked visiting anyways, especially not at first, and he didn’t blame you. But you had still talked to him about trying it, staying there. Maybe a week, maybe longer, maybe seeing if someone else can take over your Alexandria responsibilities, but honestly, he didn’t want you there either. He didn’t even want to be there. Every week that went by was another step closer to talking to Rick about leaving.

Still, moments like this are when you wonder about asking again, if you should be the one to finally move instead… The thought fades as Daryl now groans slightly into your mouth, you had pushed yourself down on his groin which elicited the dark sound, and you moan into him in response. Your hand gripping tightly to his bicep and his digs into your side, holding you tight— you’re losing the ability to think.

His tongue is twisting with yours, and his hand goes lower on your hip, the other deeper into your hair. You’re starting to have a heat pool at your center and you're squeezing your thighs together.

Daryl can sense it and feel all of it: the indecision, the squirming– your feet shuffling and curling against each other, your legs slowly swinging up and under the chair as you do so, as your continue to melt into his lips.

And he does feel it too, though he’s better at not showing it, but you do start to feel him shifting underneath you. An erection starts to harden as your hand goes lower on his chest and the little sounds of you humming into his mouth become more sexy, more desiring, than simply sweet as you continue.

He lets go, slipping his fingers between your knees, “We don’t gotta do too much.”

This makes you laugh. You’re still looking at him all dopey eyed, and more than slightly needy despite your words terribly trying to fight it, “What’s just enough then?”

His hand moves up along your inner thighs as an answer. His fingers trail up until they reach the center, and press into you at the inseam of your jeans. You start to buck up to his movements just as they begin. You even put your own hand over his, pressing into yourself more, your head tilting back. You bite your lip, whining lightly.

“Like that?” He asks, your neediness surprising the both of you.

“Last time I saw you was last week— for a day,” you’re speaking between light, out of breath pants, “outside- scavenging- no time.” Leaning forward into his touch, pretty sounds trail out, “-uh, mmm.”

You continue to grind against his hand harder, adding your other hand on top of his for more pressure until he says, “Get up.”

You stand, starting to undo your jeans and Daryl pushes the back of your chair further against your desk and starts to unbuckle his belt, but right before he finishes, you stop him. You grab his hands, “Wait,” you tell him, slipping off your shoes, and discarding your pants until you sit down again, straddling his lap.

There was something about the way you could see the outline of his bulge by how his pants laid on him, and the nice friction you knew the jeans would cause underneath you that felt so enticing. And more importantly, his bulge looked huge, fat even, you wanted to sit yourself perfectly right on top of it, making sure you could feel it all squish deliciously into your pussy lips with only your thin underwear covering you.

You begin to rock, pushing down against him. Your tiptoes reach the ground, helping you dig in and your hands go to grab onto his shoulders. Daryl holds your hips, thumbs pressing into your back, helping to roll your body into his.

His legs shift beneath you and it makes you think about his thighs again. How yummy they would feel just like his bulge…You have a little bit of time, right? Never mind- you’ll do it fast.

You get up once more, now placing yourself on his left thigh and you start rocking against him again.

Daryl quietly lets you, his hands go under your shirt and you let him take it off, leaving you in only your underwear while he’s fully clothed. He doesn’t mind letting you do what you want right now, he’s enjoying it. Grunting lowly, loving how he can watch you in your blissed out state: your open mouth, your sloppy humping and riding, how you're whining and panting as he touches up your stomach, how you’re so needy that you take one of his hands higher to caress your breast. He licks his teeth, “Need it bad, huh?” He tenses his quad, applying pressure so perfectly, just as you’d been thinking about for days. “Huh, sweetheart?”

“Think about you everyday, Daryl.” You sound just a bit too pathetic, but he eats it up, a small wicked grin coming to his face just looking at how much you wanted him. Not only thinking about his cock stuffed in you, but even how you wanted his thighs too? Just him in general? His poor girl, so deprived of him. He hated being apart, but fuck did he love how desperate it made you when he visited, desperate for him, desperate for him to give it to you or let you have it in any way. It gave him ideas of what he would do to you after you got back from dinner.

Your knee is centered in the middle of his thighs, pushing against his groin with each roll of your pelvis and the rock of Daryl’s hands as he pushes your hips forward, both helping you reach that point of pure bliss, going hard and deep, while giving him just a bit a release from the tension he feels because of you.

You close your eyes, head tilting up to the side lightly, mouth agape. “Ah, mm-” Your frustrated sounds then turn into you sighing so light, so sweetly, “I missed you.”

His hand reaches the side of your face briefly, rolling over your hair and cheek, “Missed you too.”

You knew your underwear was more than damp at this point, but you hoped the dark denim of his pants would mean it wouldn’t be that bad. You were lying to yourself honestly, but you did have wipes anyway, and… Was it bad to say you wanted to soak his jeans? For him to see the mess you made? Remember how big of a spot you created for later? There was no mistake, he had to spend the night. Having dinner in Alexandria made it so that it was too late for him to go back to the Sancutary afterwards. You wondered what he’d do to you later, what you’d let him do. He did miss you, he said it himself after all. And you feel his stare on your lower stomach as you continue to roll yourself on him, as he watches your clothed pussy make a mess of his jeans. And he sees the way his unintentional grunts and slight growls to the sight of you make your head tilt back, mouth opened so wide like you were already preparing to suck him off.

Your eyes are closed, your open mouth allowing a string of “ahs,” to come out as you continue to rub yourself against his muscle, wiggling a little, back and forth, going in a circle for a second to get more attention onto your clit, feeling yourself get wetter and wetter from your boyfriend’s big, and thick thigh. Your knee digs into him harder and he uses one hand to push it against him more.

After he lets go, one of his hands slips into your underwear, placing his middle finger over your clit, rubbing fast circles into it as much as he can as you continue to rock down on both thigh and fingers now. The extra friction feels so good. You’re whining, your panting, holding onto his shoulder with one hand, the other hand grabbing onto your desk, trying to stabilize yourself as you attempt to go faster, your movements becoming more erratic. “Daryl, please,” you whine, “help me.”

He places his free hand on your ass, kneading it forward and his other hand tries its best to circle into your pussy as much as it can.

As his middle finger continues to circle your clit, his two other fingers push into either side of your labia. “Go on,” he encourages, “Already made a mess. Make it bigger.” He moves his hand to your hip again, pushing you down. “You got it.”

Then he starts bouncing his leg, you bounce along with him, trying to rock as hard as you can. You start moaning louder, it’s continuous, you’re getting closer, you see yellow white light behind your eyes as a release takes over you, it’s hot and you can barely breathe, you almost wail as you coat his hands, ruining your panties, soaking his jeans. It felt amazing.

You huff out heavily now, finally opening your eyes to see Daryl take his hand from beneath you, licking his fingers clean. Wet popping sounds come out after he sucks each one, looking you directly in the eye. “Mmm.”

You blush gingerly at him. Getting up you see the large wer spot on his pant leg. It wasn’t a circle, it was ovular, taking up half the area of his thigh. Your teeth clench, you thought it would be big, but… you didn’t know it would be that big. This wasn’t something you could quickly clean off. “I guess it’s a good thing you keep your extra clothes here?”

He keeps his face straight, he figured as much would happen, but it was fun to see you squirm. “These were my extra clothes.”

“Oh.”

You should have let him take his pants off.

[good-chimes]

Cub takes over the Permit Office

A short textual recap of the Succession-style coup Cub just carried out (Timestamp: Grian s10 e21 14:40-29:30)

Grian, Scar and Skizz all receive a mysterious summons to a disciplinary hearing to discuss ‘restructuring’ at the Permit Office.

Scar and Skizz turn up thinking they’re in trouble with Grian. Grian, who has received two warnings for completely unfair reasons like ‘not doing his job’, knows he’s in trouble with Mysterious HQ Person (Grian, terrified but curious: Is it Doc??).

Waiting nervously, all three of them agree that their collective efforts are a shambles, a mild blame game ensues, also a horse is here and they can’t kill it because Judge Bdubs would object.

A flying figure approaches.

To Grian and Skizz’s surprise and Scar’s delight, it’s Cub.

Cub times his slow-falling potions to sink slowly and dramatically to the ground in a completely horizontal position. (Cub: Hello, boys) (Scar: Hello, God!)

Cub has a red tie and a gold name tag and performs an immediate show of dominance by taming the horse and handing out golden apples.

Scar: yeah that horse was—

Cub: it’s my horse now

Grian, eating the apple: He’s trying to butter us up. Skizz, don’t eat the apples.

Cub: Grian, I have some excellent news for you, my friend. You’re fired.

Grian: I’m what—

Cub: And also rehired! To a lesser position.

Grian: So I’m, what, assistant permit manager?

Cub: assistant TO the permit manager.

Cub: that’s me.

Cub: I’m sorry you had to find out this way

Grian: [into his hands] I’m so relieved I hate this job so much

Grian: IT’S NOT FUN AND I CAN’T CONTROL IT. LOOK AT THE SHOPPING DISTRICT. THERE’S POP UP SHOPS EVERYWHERE.

Grian: even I’ve got a pop up shop!!

Cub: Grian and I share a similar sentiment, which is that the permits shouldn’t exist

Cub: which is why we both have these jobs

Scar: But… but it was you two who came up with the idea of permits in the first place!

Cub: yeah

Cub: but you were supposed to enforce it

At this point it should be noted Cub has variously a) claimed he's been sent by the higher ups and he didn't want to do this but, boys, he has to, b) claimed he is one of the higher ups, c) claimed he's 'quite high up but not so much' d) vehemently denied that there exists anyone who has a fancier name tag than he does

Cub forces them into an immediate tour of the shopping district

There really are pop up shops everywhere

Cub: Alright, here's some TNT.

Grian: er! wait! I dunno—!

Cub: What.

Grian: Maybe we should give people some warning?

Cub: Hm

Scar: We did! We have a thing! I built a redstone countdown clock! [waves at the contraption of stacked red-yellow-white pillars he spent several weeks on]

Grian: Scar, that HASN'T MOVED SINCE YOU BUILT IT

Scar: It does move! It's just going slowly!

Cub: We need to move faster.

Scar: I can adjust it. This is 2024 advanced redstone. I can change it. [flies off]

Skizz: Can he really—

Grian, resigned: He's just going to mine it. [Scar mines it]

Skizz: Can I take a shot at him?

Cub: Fire away, Skizz

Grian: I'm not sure about this new management!

Meanwhile Cub has been contemplating the nearest popups in a critical way.

Cub: I'm going to be honest, I'm part of this glass collective, and even I want to see this one blown up.

Grian: Look, boss, what if we put a big billboard up that says 'Pop up purge'... certain date.

Cub: Hm.

Cub: That's very reasonable. I was just going to blow stuff up, but if you want to do that, I think it's a good choice.

Grian: How much time are you giving them, boss?

Skizz: Well, that's what the timer was—

Scar: I HAVE A TIMER! IT'S COUNTING DOWN!

Cub: We want to do this lickety-split. Let's go two weeks.

Grian: [repeating to himself under his breath] Two weeks!

Scar: I'll program the redstone!

Cub: You program it in, Scar. Grian, you make the billboard. Skizz…

Skizz: Yeah?

Cub: …you keep on keeping on, baby.

Cub: You've been the background of this whole operation, Skizz.

Skizz now dramatically attempts to get them to a high point so they can look at the layout of the shopping district, a simple task stymied only by the fact Scar and Grian both refuse to take any instructions unless they come from Cub

Cub then orders that pop up shops will be confiscated to Scar and Skizz's enforcement office. Grian very curious about the punishment for permit violations. Scar suggests banishing violators to the far reaches by Doc's 'shooty-offy cannon'. Cub approves this exile penalty enthusiastically.

Cub: Alright.

Grian: There's a storm comin'.

Scar: [looks up at the blue sky] Really?

Skizz: Us. He means us.

Grian: It's more like a moderate breeze.

Skizz: Well, that's official, we're under new management! And the tone I’m getting is that Rub-a-Dub-Cub is not messin’ around.

Cub: You guys gotta get to it.

[Actual in-game storm starts]

Grian: There is a storm coming.

Scar: A storm of pain!

Grian: [to Cub] I'm so relieved. I couldn’t keep control of any of this.

Cub: It's alright, Grian. [PEAL OF IN-GAME THUNDER] We'll keep people in line.

Grian: It feels like the permit office has taken a really dark turn

Cub: Nah, it'll be fine. People will care about their permits! [MORE THUNDER] People will comply :)

[lover-of-mine]

You know what’s an example of a slow burn where the couple got together, broke up and then danced around a will-they-won’t-they for years before getting back together at the end? Ted and Robin on How I Met Your Mother. And NO ONE liked that! My sister and I watch Rachel get off the plane on Friends and we go giiiiiirl get back on that plane

LITERALLY. Like, Ted, drop the blue french horn and go back to your kids. Rachel my love GET BACK ON THE FUCKING PLANE. But important thing here too, is the fact that this type of slowburn only works if both characters are main. And I'm not even saying this as a dig. Take Chicago PD and burzek. They get together sometime during s1, they get engaged, they break up I think s3, and then we proceed to watch them yo-yo themselves until s10. But that structure only works if both characters exist on their own outside of the romance. Ted and Robin have stories and motivations outside each other, same with Ross and Rachel, or Kim and Ruz. Tommy exists through Buck. You can't make something like this work if one half of the ship doesn't exist for the audience outside of being the love interest. And even if that format does work in some cases, the exes to yoyoing gets annoying because most times the show doesn't know how to make what's keeping them apart an enjoyable story, so they're either trapped in this weird we're not getting back together for real because of the most ridiculous reason ever or they'll introduce something that makes the ship itself stop being fun. And to do that with Buck when buddie is RIGHT THERE is stupid. Come on.

[baddygab-bi]

Maybe it’s because I’m a Hawaii five-0 fan, but I can’t see Buck and Eddie as romantically written after watching Steve and Danny. I know they’re different shows, but it’s night and day even with some similarities.

(Warning for very small, vague spoilers. I’m halfway through S10 of Hawaii 5-0 so no spoilers for S10 please. Also I highly rec H50)

McDanno:

Characters always commenting on their relationship. “Mom and dad” “parents” “married”

Buddie:

2 comments on their relationship. Online stream viewers, Elf. Both in the earliest seasons for Eddie.

McDanno:

Takes care of Danny’s kids. Kisses them on the head. Tucks them into bed. Says I love you multiple times. Steve rescues Danny’s daughter from multiple highly dangerous situations and is openly distraught about it. Calls Danny’s daughter “my girl.” Brings Danny’s kid into Steve’s life, even when he’s in a relationship.

Buddie:

Takes care of Chris on fewer ~on screen~ occasions. Openly distraught when saving him on one the one occasion the show gave. Does obvi 100% love Chris and spends time with him, but it’s seen less on screen due to the nature of the show.

McDanno:

Danny calls Steve “babe”. Multiple times. An episode. Steve calls (and refers to) Danny “Danno” a family nickname.

Buddie:

Contrary to popular opinion, Buck has never called Eddie “Eds” nor do they regularly use any other cute nicknames for each other.

Mcdanno:

Treated in the show as a romantic pairing when they’re both not in relationships, and even when they are. In most episodes. In a fantasy sequence (no spoilers) they literally take pictures with a certain child and grow old together. They cuddled on the couch. They were roommates. They’ve pretended to be a gay couple. They touch each other all the freaking time: arms, shoulders, hands, lower back (it was a joke but also not), head. Have slow-ish danced together. Eat breakfast together while sitting on the counter. They’d save each other no matter what it takes. They went on a couples retreat. Couples counseling. They say I love you constantly, like once they started saying it they just kept saying it. They’ve given literal pieces of each other to the other (hard to not spoiler that so kept it vague)

Buddie:

They aren’t treated like a romantic pairing in every episode. At most they say the other always invites the other and they’ve been seen together in the end of episode wrap ups. The couch theory would’ve been a great time to dig into stuff. They’d save each other, but because of the show it’s not nearly the same level of involvement. Have never said I love you (correct me on that if I forgot). They’re treated as best friends who are clearly very much in each other’s lives, but they didn’t push the line into it being romance.

Mcdanno:

They’re literally intertwined in each other’s lives. Like financially, physically, emotionally, career-wise. We know how much they’re involved with each other even when the other isn’t there. Other characters will bring them up. They can’t have storylines without the other being involved in some way.

Buddie:

They’re in each other’s lives legally, emotionally, and career-wise. Though, they can have separate storylines that don’t involve the other.

McDanno:

Talk about the hard stuff a lot. Their lives, feelings, relationships, sex lives.

Buddie:

Talk about the hard stuff less. When there’s monumental stuff they do, but it’s rarer, but the show is also less dark and has less episodes.

Mcdanno:

Can read each other’s minds and body language in and out of work: People comment on it.

Buddie:

They can read each other. Mostly at work. Nobody ever comments beyond their good work.

McDanno:

Called each other “brother” a few times and it didn’t kill the non-platonic vibes.

Buddie:

Called each other “brother” once, and if done again, it would kill any romantic vibes.

In all:

They’re different shows. H50 has about 25 episodes a season and is a different genre of show to 911. But the relationships, the two men, divorced, kid(s), work together, is similar, though drastically different.

McDanno never went cannon. I can watch the show and see it both romantic and like an amazing bromance. It’s not a far grasp to see the romance.

Who knows about Buddie going canon, the show is still on air. But it reads like a very deep friendship, a great bromance. The romance stuff isn’t there. Do I think it could be? Yeah, but they have to put it in by choice and not leave it to interpretation. As of now? Nothing that can be 100% read as romantic.

[raelyn-dreams]

I know we all joke about the ninja being dumb, but looking at their combined education...it's honestly a wonder that they're functioning this well.

To start off:

Cole: Probably had the most education out of all of them. Canonically went to grade school, before his mother passed and he attended the Marty Oppenheimer School of Performing Arts before running away. Was old enough for the school to not alert his father at least (or check with him, if Cole lied about needing to drop out), so it was either a high school/college/mixture boarding school at the very least.

Jay: Also went to grade school (his s7 comments about History Museum field trips). Assuming Kai, Cole, and Jay are all in their mid-late teens at the series start, he probably also had some form of high school education, plus mechanic/inventor knowledge from Ed & Edna. May have dropped out/already graduated when Wu found him. The only reason he's lower than Cole is that his presumed education past grade school is uncertain.

Zane: Technically, since Zane is a nindroid, he didn't need school. However, we are shown that Dr. Julien built Zane to progressively learn similar to a human in at least some respects, so I'd say Zane was "homeschooled" (if unconventionally). It is shown that flipping off his memory switch did not take away from his learned skills, so Zane is very much educated and capable prior to his nindroid discovery.

Nya: Went to grade school (also s7 History Museum field trip comments), but probably dropped out/did not finish her high school education, due to being in her early/mid-teens when she and Kai joined Wu, and her seeming to run the customer service and financial aspects of Four Weapons. Nya is also a very skilled inventor, mechanic, and pilot, which are most likely skills she picked up from being thrust into independence at a young age.

Lloyd: Was dropped off at Darkley's Boarding School for Bad Boys at a very young age. He ran away multiple times, and was eventually kicked out in Season 1, for "lacking the amoral ambition to become one of tomorrow's masterminds". It's known that not much teaching happened at Darkley's at the time, in favor of lessons in evildoing, so young Lloyd's primary source of education came from the ninja. It can be safely assumed he was tutored to some extent, due to the behavior of his older self, but Lloyd's education was still minimal, at least.

Kai: Kai comes in at the bottom of the list for one simple reason: it's unknown if he ever attended school at all, let alone how much. He doesn't chime in on the s7 History Museum field trip conversation, and due to having been abandoned at a young age, it's possible he had to sacrifice his own education for Nya's. We know Kai took up blacksmithing, which seemed to be the sibling's primary, if only, source of income. He threw himself into his work, and though it seems a bit shoddy in the pilots, he was good enough to reforge the Golden Weapons in s10, showing he did possess at least some skill, if not being downright amazing. Looking into his behavior, mannerisms, and general knowledge on other occasions, Kai comes across to me as someone who maybe completed elementary school, but probably never went higher in favor of keeping Four Weapons afloat and his sister supported.

As a Gifted Kid™, I think it just goes to show that while education is important, it's not the end of the world if you're a bit slow or didn't get to complete yours. The ninja may be barely functioning at times, but they've also saved the realm(s) at least once a season, with or without trigonometry. It depends on your path in life, and as Cole tells Lou, he's decided that he doesn't want to follow in his father's footsteps, but forge his own path.

Also, Bonus:

Morro: Was literally on the street, taking food from trashcans to survive, before he was found by Wu. It can be assumed Wu tutored him in some way, though Morro ran away young, probably around his early-mid teens, judging by his size. He also died young, around the same age as the present-day ninja, so it can be assumed his education probably never surpassed middle school.

Pixal: Was created to be the personal android assistant of Cyrus Borg, becoming the 16th - and final - attempt, after her 15 predecessors failed to work properly. Being an advanced android, Pixal was created with and had access to all the knowledge she would ever need. However, she still had much to learn; particularly, in her social and emotional aspects, and continues to grow. As Zane once said, "She taught me more about being a nindroid, and I like to think I taught her more about being human".

[mairitess]

ebbs and flows pt. 1 // jaya

a/n: i wrote this bc i got back into ninjago and i needed to write something for them bc i'm not caught up enough to be able to read the current fics + also on ao3 in capital letters

words: 1.5k

tags: angst, fluff, post-skybound, post s10 ninjago: masters of spinjitzu, jaya, no beta we die like kings, they r so traumatized after nadakhan, minor violence mentions from skybound, kiss kiss rated t just in case

preview:

she might’ve missed it, if she weren’t so keyed up already. “you’re my yang, nya.”

memory was clever in a cruel way. sometimes nya practically forgot what she and jay had endured, had survived. other times, though it had been years since, nadakhan’s grip was still around her wrist. memory was kind when it ebbed, cruel when it flowed. and the master of water, unfortunately, was far too familiar with ebbs and flows.

it started when she and jay were on a date downtown, a rare luxury given their line of work. they’d compulsively started window shopping, ducking into quirky stores, stealing kisses in the alleyways between. ninjago city hadn’t been quiet in so long.

“has this shop always been here?” jay asked, pointing at the large antiques sign hanging from the side of the building. “i feel like we’re always around here. why haven’t i seen it?”

nya smirked and nodded towards the restaurant next door. “maybe because you’ve been too focused on downing chen’s hand-pulled noodles to pay attention to anything else around here.”

“hey!” jay reached for her in fun, and nya twisted away, bolting to the antiques store. her laughter echoed down the street, and jay’s breath caught in his throat. no one laughed as brightly, as freely as her. his soft smile grew. no one made her laugh as brightly, as freely as him.

he was grinning wildly when he walked into the shop, nya waiting for him inside. “what?”

jay enveloped her into a hug, his arms snug around her. “i love you.”

“i love you too, jay. now look around with me! i wanna see if there’s anything interesting.” jay caught a quick kiss before pulling away, and nya’s cheeks were warm as they wandered through the store, hand in hand.

—

she saw the lamp first — not the same one, but far too close for comfort. it was rusted and dented like it had been thrown around in the wash, but the lamp’s handle curved at the bottom, whereas nadakhan’s stayed flush to the rest of the body. still, nya froze.

“nya? did you find anything?”

jay’s voice felt so distant and hazy, as if she was hearing him underwater. “honey?”

she felt his hands on either side of her face, and nya realized he was standing right in front of her. “you’re crying, nya.” he leaned in closer to look at her more directly as he wiped the tears from her cheeks. “what’s wrong?”

he followed her gaze to the shelf behind him, to the lamp sitting all on its lonesome. jay sighed then turned back to nya, resting his forehead against hers.

“look at me, nya.”

she felt like she was ripping her vigilance away as she did.

“that’s not his, i promise. and neither of us are going to touch it. we’re safe, okay? he’s gone.” 

nya didn’t remember leaving the antiques shop, or going home, or anything else that happened between seeing the lamp and ending up in jay’s bed. she was spooned against him, so jay couldn’t see she was keeping her eyes open for as long as she could — every time she blinked, she saw nadakhan and that lamp. she could feel herself dying in jay’s arms again, on the floor of nadakhan’s stolen makeshift palace. she could feel her last words trying to snake their way out, but her energy draining before jay could hear them.

jay’s arms tightened around her waist, and she jerked away from them, tearing out from his grasp. she turned, and he was staring at her, worry lines stretching across his forehead.

“do you want to talk about it?” he asked. nya was quiet, though she cuddled closer to fit her head under his chin. jay slowed his breathing, taking deeper breaths in and out — he hoped she’d match him, even if subconsciously.

he was starting to fall asleep when he heard her mumble into his chest. “you couldn’t say his name.”

—

everyone else knew about nadakhan from the murals on the wall in the courtyard, but they would never remember him, especially not the way jay and nya did. but honestly, that made it somewhat easier for nya. she could pretend everything was okay with them.

but jay was there. and it felt so careless and insensitive for him to pretend, too, when he was with her. a small part of her knew it wasn’t fair to be upset at him for that — while she was dying, he watched, and maybe that was worse. but still.

nya hadn’t spoken to jay when they were alone in days. she still came to his bed each night, but they would lie in silence, and every evening she would get further and further away from him in sleep. at this point, they were on opposite sides of the bed, and her back was to him. if he just reached out, he could hold her, but he was scared she’d jerk away again if he did, and that would hurt more than anything before. when they woke up each morning, he’d ask her if she wanted to talk about it. she’d stay silent, though sometimes she’d shake her head. then jay would say he’d talk about it whenever she was ready. it was their new routine.

she started to have nightmares the day after they’d first seen the lamp. he tried to hold her close, whisper “i love you” to her over and over again as she shook and sobbed, but she’d end up pushing him away as soon as she got up. one night, he tried not touching her at all, and her nightmare subsided easily. so he opted to just lie awake until it went away, waiting for her to still. then she’d wake up in the morning, and they’d do their routine all over again.

weeks passed, and nya had caught a cold. jay would’ve stayed home with her, but their recent villain needed all hands on deck. misako and wu promised to take care of her while jay was away, though they figured some sort of fight had transpired between the two lovers. 

usually when they had to split the team, jay and nya would kiss each other good luck. but jay stood in the doorway, quietly watching her sleep. he toyed with the yin symbol hanging around his neck. his partner, his love, was starting to feel more distant than a stranger, and every day more like a ghost. but he needed her to go to him. he was nervous about touching her and making any nightmares worse, so he opted to leave a note instead.

nya, my yang, i’ll be back soon. i love you.

—

nya could not tell him — she would not tell him. guilt slashed at her chest every morning she woke up, her throat dry and caked tears streaking from the corners of her eyes. but she had to tell misako and wu when she woke them up screaming in the middle of the night, the first time anyone else had heard her nightmares.

“nya?” misako rushed in first to see nya shot up in bed, gasping for air. misako put the back of her hand on nya’s forehead. “you’re burning.”

there was a small tub of water and a washcloth on the side table next to her bed, and misako wet and wrung the towel before leaning nya back gently and placing the rag on her forehead. nya’s eyes were still wide open, and she didn’t have to look to ask —

“where’s jay?”

wu walked in, staff in hand. “jay is with the other ninjas. they needed more help. i thought you knew…” he trailed off, seeing the note next to her. nya grabbed it, and as she read it, started crying harder.

“i’ve been so horrible to jay,” she said, stuttering. “and i can’t even tell him what’s wrong.”

misako held nya’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “then maybe it’ll help if you tell us first.”

—

every time nya fell asleep, she’d find herself in her almost-wedding to nadakhan. then she would get shot, and she’d lie on the floor. when she was first getting these nightmares, she could feel jay holding her again, just as he did the first time. but that made the dreams a little too real — she needed some sense they were just dreams. she would kick him away, and he’d disappear, and she could breathe again. eventually, she stopped imagining jay holding her, and as she lay on the floor, she knew it wasn’t real because it was playing out differently from what was real, and she was able to move on.

but how could she tell jay, that now, whenever he hugged her, she felt like she was dying?

xx

part 2 here

[single-malt-scotch]

Given we are two episodes in to bdubs this HC seasons I will ramble a tad about his format this season and the timeline/comparisons to past ones!

Let's talk in parts for a second. For thumbnails. I didn't really know what to expect tbh. He's been going more minimalist in thumbnails for a while now- HC S9 and Create have very simple thumbnails very focus on the builds (if they occur in the HC video). Go from season 7 HC to now and they've changed a Lot. S8 was simple too if you take away the color overlay. But S10 is mega simple. There isn't even a title on the thumbnails!

Then intros. S7 and S8 would randomly have an intro of "welcome to hermitcraft!" And sometimes none at all. S9 started "welcome to hoymicraf" (how do we spell this) consistently. Additionally all those seasons had some intros beginning with some third person camera to start a scene (more consistent as time went), or without that intro in season 7, 8 and 10 we'd also just start in first pov while bdubs is already in action. Additionally intro music was always very energetic, and so far what we heard in his first s10 intro (and based off the time lapses) we are getting something way more chill. Ep2's intro is one of those exceptions for the specific scenarios that happen sometimes. The choice of situational music.

General editing? Kinda crossed over with intros here because intros have very blatant editing with music and camera etc. Tbh the biggest thing to any season is music choice, which changes how things feel entirely. Past seasons had faster paced songs in intros and many building segments had orchestral, so on. The way those building segments play out has slowly turned into bdubs cutting it up to fit the beat of music, which is most apparent now in S10 and bwb S3. For S10 I feel like this enunciates the calm music even more as it puts emphasis on what is the louder/more striking note of the song. Through S10 episodes right now we have seen more use of replay mod in more than just the intro. Usually wide shots with music. Thought out compositions and wide shots often showing scale of things around him. Even purposefully taking moments to stop and pause and linger on the shot. Definitely more cinematic, and completely different with his it slows down.

It is interesting to see what some people might feel is a total 180! Considering I have seen the flow of his format for so long "slow" is not unfamiliar but because he has grown so much as a commentator he handles this very well. It's not "old inexperienced commentator" slow. Because you can tell if you pay attention he isn't different from who he has been in recent years. He's always the same and going this direction is done w the same level of development and experience. Hes still silly, he's still got energy. It's just presentation! It feels different a lot by how he's editing.

Even so it makes me wonder Why. Was his previous loud style and high energy more aimed at when his kids were just born and very little, and he had an obvious shift to making his videos possibly more appealing to children and be child appropriate? Has he 'mellowed out' for any particular reason? If you watch him a lot, especially his Livestreams (the member ones rly) bdubs thinks hard about his building skills. He is genuinely an artist aiming to improve every day and I think he's gotten a lot back into really expressing his thoughts and feelings regarding the art. It's been a gradual focus returning I have seen. Perhaps he has decided to lean into this more on purpose, and in doing so that shifts his focus away from what people felt was "childish" acting. But it's important to remember, as a bdubs lover, the analysis here isn't actually one to say he's "changed" because he hasn't. As a content creator he knows what he's going for and to some level has consciously made these changes. We still got bdubs, he's just doing it different. And honestly if you were turned off by the energy of S9, I highly recommend giving this season a watch if you want something more artistic, and good discussion about building process.

[tvckerwash]

man, I've always thought that wash was the most 'master chief-y' character in rvb—with carolina also having a lot of the same qualities based solely off of what I knew about him from the games—but now that I’ve read the fall of reach, I can say with 100% certainty that they both take after john.

(utc bc it's another long post lol)

carolina takes very heavily after master chief’s competitive side, and teamwork was not a skill that came to him naturally. there’s a scene very early in the book right after john and the rest of the kids were first conscripted into the spartan program where everyone is split into teams, and they’re told to complete an obstacle course and compete to be the first ones to ring a bell at the end of it. the last team to ring the bell wouldn’t be getting dinner (and for context, these are a bunch of 6 year olds who spent the last however many hours being forced into the same grueling physical activities grown adults are on their first day in boot camp).

john, who was absolutely starving, abandoned his teammates because he believed they were just going to slow him down, and he was right—he was the first to ring the bell, but his teammates were the last two to do so. but, john was punished for doing that, and he didn’t get to have dinner alongside the teammates he left behind (and he was so hungry he even secretly stole some of the food from a girl he was sitting next to while she wasn’t looking).

this experience deeply impacted john, he corrected his mistake the next day, and in a future training exercise done years later, him and his fellow spartans were dropped off in the middle of the mountains and told to compete to get the extraction point, and the last person there was going to be left behind and would have to walk back to the base. I think I’ll let john tell you his thoughts on that himself:

“One more thing,” Mendez said. “The last trainee to make it to the extraction point will be left behind.” He glanced out a window. “And it’s a very long walk back.” John didn’t like it. He wasn’t going to lose, but he didn’t want anyone else to lose, either. The thought of Kelly or Sam or any of the others marching all the way back made him uneasy…if they could make it all the way back alone over those mountains. 

+

They stopped at noon to stretch and eat berries they had gathered along the trail. Fhajad spoke up. “I want to know one thing,” he said. He paused to wipe the sweat off his dark skin. “We’re going to get to the extraction point at the same time. So who’s getting left behind? We should decide now.” “Draw straws,” someone suggested.  “No,” John said, and stood. “No one’s being left behind. We’re going to figure a way to get all of us out.”  “How?” Kelly asked, scratching her head. “Mendez said—” “I know what he said. But there’s got to be a way—I just haven’t thought of one yet. Even if it has to be me that stays behind—I’ll make sure everyone gets back to the base.” John started marching again. “Come on, we’re wasting time.” 

Carolina is portrayed very, very similarly to the way john is above through most of s9, and it’s only when her obsession with beating tex starts to take a priority that she becomes more like john was as a child. In s10 her characterization becomes more juvenile, and that’s where she truly reverts to the 6 year old john who will abandon his teammates because being first takes priority in her mind. 

Another blurb of text that I find very applicable to Carolina as a character is this:

“Irritated, sir?” John asked, genuinely puzzled. He would have thought the UNSC top brass would be elated by the victory, despite its cost. “But we won.” Captain Keyes took a step back and cocked a quizzical eyebrow. “Didn’t Dr. Halsey ever teach you that winning isn’t everything, Master Chief?” He saluted. “You’ll excuse me.” John saluted. He was so confused by Captain Keyes’ statement that he kept saluting as the Captain walked out of the room. Winning was everything. How could someone with Captain Keyes’ reputation think otherwise? The Master Chief tried to recall if he had ever read anything like that in any military history or philosophy texts. What else was there other than winning? The only other obvious choice was losing…and he had long been taught that defeat was an unacceptable alternative. Certainly, Captain Keyes didn’t mean that they should have lost at Sigma Octanus? Unthinkable. He stood silently for ten minutes mulling this over.

wash on the other hand seems to take queues from various other aspects of master chief’s character shown throughout the book. If I had to sum up these bits and bobs I’d say he takes inspiration from john’s more serious and practical side, or rather, the side of john that is ‘less human’.

I’ve talked about how I’m not a big fan of wash and locus being foils on chorus because miles picked the wrong aspects of what it means to be a soldier to focus on when it comes to wash, but beyond that I do actually see wash as the more soldier like character between him and carolina. 

wash is a character who has a very strong sense of duty, and he takes whatever he believes his duty is very seriously. wash is hyperaware of his position, and while he can—and does—read between the lines, he prefers to keep things simple and straightforward. he’s not a scientist, he’s not a psychologist, he’s a soldier—just hand him a gun and tell him where to shoot. these two blurbs sum wash up very nicely:

John only knew three ways to react to people. If they were his superior officers, he obeyed them. If they were part of his squad, he helped them. If they were a threat, he neutralized them.

+

“You engaged and neutralized a threat,” Mendez replied. “That action seems to have answered your question, Squad Leader.”  John wrinkled his forehead as he thought it through. “I followed the chain of command,” he said. “The Sergeant told me to fight. I was threatened and in imminent danger. But they were still UNSC Special Forces. Fellow soldiers.” Mendez lowered his voice. “Not every mission has simple objectives or comes to a logical conclusion. Your priorities are to follow the orders in your chain of command, and then to preserve your life and the lives of your team. Is that clear?” “Sir,” John said. “Yes, sir.” He glanced back at the ring. Blood was seeping into the canvas mat. John had an odd feeling in the pit of his stomach. He hit the showers and let the blood rinse off him. He felt strangely sorry for the men he had killed. But he knew his duty—the Chief had even been unusually verbose in order to clarify the matter. Follow orders and keep himself and his team safe. That’s all he had to focus on. John didn’t give the incident in the gym another thought.

another scene that I want to share is this one, as upon reading it I immediately imagined that wash’s meeting with internals in s9 probably went very similarly: 

Finally one of the officers deigned to notice the Master Chief. “At ease, soldier,” he said. The Master Chief let his arm fall. “Spartan 117, reporting as ordered, sirs.”  There was a pause, then the woman’s voice spoke up, “We would like to congratulate you on your successful mission, Master Chief. You’ve certainly given us plenty to consider. We would like to pin down a few details of your mission.” There was something in her voice that made John nervous. Not scared. But it was the same feeling he had going into combat. The same feeling he got when bullets started flying. “You do know, Master Chief,” the first male voice said, “that not answering truthfully—or omitting any relevant details will lead to a court-martial?” John bristled. As if he could ever forget his duty. “I will answer to the best of my abilities, sir,” he replied stiffly. 

anyway, another blurb I want to bring up is this one involving dr. halsey speaking to cortana about john, and I feel how it relates to wash is self-explanatory. It’s really only the very last paragraph that’s important, but I’m including the whole scene because imagining a similar conversation between the director and alpha is SO funny to me (insert the gay robot joke lmao).

Cortana leaped to her “feet,” turned her back to Dr. Halsey, and examined the photographs on the wall. She brushed her fingertips over the glass surfaces. “Which one will be mine?” “Which one do you want?” She immediately gravitated to the picture in the center of Dr. Halsey’s collection. It showed a handsome man standing at attention as Admiral Stanforth pinned the UNSC Legion of Honor upon his chest—a chest that already overflowed with citations. Cortana framed her fingers around the man’s face. “He’s so serious,” she murmured. “Thoughtful eyes, though. Attractive in a primitive animal sort of way, don’t you think, Doctor?” Dr. Halsey blushed. Apparently, she did think so. Cortana’s thoughts mirrored many of her own, only unchecked by normal military and social protocol. “Perhaps it would be best if you picked another—” Cortana turned to face Dr. Halsey and cocked an eyebrow, mock stern. “You asked me which one I wanted…” “It was a question, Cortana. I did not give you carte blanche to select your ‘carrier.’ There are compatibility issues to consider.” Cortana blinked. “His neural patterns are in sync with my mine within two percent. With the new interface we’ll be installing, that should fall well within tolerable limits. In fact—” Her gaze drifted and the symbols along her body brightened and flashed. “—I have just developed a custom interface buffer that will match us within zero point zero eight one percent. You won’t find a better match among the others. “In fact,” she added coyly, “I can guarantee it.” “I see,” Dr. Halsey said. She pushed away from her desk, stood, and paced. Why was she hesitating? The match was superb. But was Cortana’s predilection for Spartan 117 a result of him being Dr. Halsey’s favorite? And did it matter? Who better to protect him? Dr. Halsey walked over to the picture. “He was awarded this Legion of Honor medallion because he dove into a bunker of Covenant soldiers. He took out twenty by himself and saved a platoon of Marines who were pinned down by a stationary energy weapon emplacement. I’ve read the report, but I’m still not sure how he managed to do it.”  She turned to Cortana and stared into her odd translucent eyes. “You’ve read his CSV?” “I’m reading it again right now.” “Then you know he is neither the smartest nor the fastest nor the strongest of the Spartans. But he is the bravest—and quite possibly the luckiest. And in my opinion, he is the best.”

I’m pretty sure there's actually a joke somewhere in the show where wash says he’s only the third favorite behind tex and carolina, but considering they’re literally the director's wife and daughter I think being third is still worth something here lol.

but all of that aside, I want to end this post with one last blurb because of how it relates to both carolina and wash, and why I think it’s so important that they’re the two freelancers who survived to the end, and how they both take after master chief.

If Dr. Halsey had a mission for him and his team, it would be a good one. She had given him everything: duty, honor, purpose, and a destiny to protect humanity. John hoped she would give him one more thing: a way to win the war.

[cogito-ergo-amo]

The housemate stuff this week is...it's still not technically resolved, but it's also proven that my fears about factors that would prevent a mature, amicable resolution were correct. Ugh.

And like it's monopolised my thoughts and energy, even moreso as I've currently got mystery lurgy. I resent how much it is draining me and has been draining me - intensely, for weeks, but it's also been a gradual drip-drip-drip for years, past attempts to address it have been met with stonewalling and deliberate, sometimes damn near malicious, misinterpretation and refusal to engage.

I'm sorry to keep harping on moments of "oh holy shit, I've actually made more progress than I thought via therapy" but this is very much a huge example of the slow, frustrating, painstaking incremental work coalescing into significant, major change.

Actually this is probably gonna get pretty long and navel-gazing about therapy and mental health and interpersonal conflict stuff. I don't expect it to go anywhere triggering, but I'll stick it behind a read more to break up the wall o'text

Part of why this has been so hard and so significant is seeing so much of how my mind used to work (and is still primed to work! If I don't pay rigorous attention!) reflected back at me. How this might have been me before any kind of serious diagnosis or therapy. Taking accountability even now is still hard for anybody regardless of brain shape, but the squirrelly, defensive, abrasive, desperate and sometimes downright cruel attempts to deflect, to flip the situation because if you're the aggrieved party SURELY nobody would be so callous as to expect an apology and acknowledgement of how you hurt them.

Sorry to RuPaulpost on main, but there's an argument in S10 of Drag Race where the person who was objectively the hurt party, drag performer The Vixen, is being tone policed and told to calm down. She says "everybody is telling me how to react, nobody is telling her how to act" about the person who hurt her. Unintentionally hurt her, but still, hurt was done.

I felt this in my soul when Housemate who hurt me (let's call her H1 for the purposes of this post, literally only one person on this webbed site will know who is who if they read this) insisted another housemate be present when she and I talked about it. Bless this beleaguered Housemate 2, he has had his own challenges with her, he also has extensive conflict resolution/mediation experience professionally. He also has a shitload of his own trauma that this conflict is niggling at, which is part of why I didn't want him to be dragged into it. But during the conversation this week she was constantly appealing to him, emotionally escalating, talking over me, silencing me - I got to occupy maybe 25% of the conversational space which in fairness is more than expected. Had H2 not been there I doubt I would've been able to get even half of that meagre airtime. I think it also helped me to keep my own composure. I got shit on for it "look at your face, you don't even care!" when inside I was spinning out but knew I couldn't let myself get dragged into an external emotional spiral. Also, autistic, so at any given point I'm not sure what my face is doing or if it's the "correct" expression.

So I'm here thinking "it never had to be like this" whilst also knowing somewhere deep and instinctive in my own wounded soul and trauma-healing process that actually it was always going to be like this and it had to happen this way. I still feel a bit mercenary framing another person's distress as part of my own "growth", but boundaries are new to me and we knew going in that enforcing one for the first time with someone who benefits greatly from trampling on them is going to make them feel personally attacked and deeply offended. And here we are. This is now a story of how I really badly hurt somebody by...asking them gently to stop hurting me.

Had a text exchange with therapist on Monday after The Conversation. He offered an extra session then but even though I was exhausted and shook up, I didn't actually need that. In our usual session today this was of course the meat of the discussion. We got a little playful with it, I mentioned that her response was pretty much exactly what I expected and asked him to take some guesses about things that were said. He got pretty much all of it correct. I mentioned I could've scripted it, and he gassed me up some with "if you'd scripted it, it would've had better jokes". This was probably just riffing but fuckit, my ego needed that.

We're trying to work through my internal conflict of "if she doesn't get some kind of intervention she's going to keep doing this to everybody in her life and be miserable forever" vs knowing that if she were to get assessed, she would most likely get diagnosed with Cluster B brain problems. I have fifteen years of experience of exactly how a diagnosis like that can negatively impact every facet of a person's life. They aren't diagnoses that should still be used, imo, because they're an excuse to ignore severe trauma in women by calling them bad people who can never be fixed. I can't wish that on another person. But she's also not going to seek help on her own, she definitely won't pursue private therapy that might avoid such labelling. And I know how fucking hard, slow and gruelling it is for therapy to work and make a difference with such heavy shit. I want her to live a happier, smoother life. I want her to get better. That hasn't changed, it breaks my heart I'm unlikely to ever see it happen, but right now I'd settle for her not treating everybody else like we're NPCs she can command, control and punish at will.

I'm not accustomed to being in conflicts where I don't just automatically assume I am the bad, wrong party. But I know where I stand here. I know what is reasonable and what is not. I know which behaviours and statements from her are completely unacceptable. I know which parts of her narrative about me are completely fictitious. I know I have been misread, misunderstood and willfully misinterpreted. This is fucking HUGE for me. This certainty feels deeply uncomfortable. Of course there are still parts of me trying to turn it around and make me believe I'm evil and all of this is my fault but there is so much more of me pushing back against that because it just isn't true.

I'm rambling now. Will probably ramble more on this in the coming days.

For the record, this is what the conversation could have looked like. This is what the conversation has previously looked like with other housemates when we have unintentionally triggered or overstepped with each other: person 1: hey, I know you didn't mean to do this, and I never told your this was A Thing for me so that's on me, I'm not mad or upset with you, but This Thing was very triggering of something intense for me in a way that made me feel unsafe for a prolonged period of time. I don't need to go into detail unless that would be helpful.

person 2: oh shit, I'm really sorry, thank you for letting me know. I will make sure I do not do/say The Thing in that way again.

person 1: If it comes up again in future, we could perhaps handle the situation in X or Y way to avoid the trigger specifically.

person 2: I understand

person 1: Thank you, I appreciate you listening and understanding. I am going to put the kettle on. Would you like some tea?

[whencallstheheart]

I've finally given up on Netflix up-dating WCTH (UK) and am watching it by other means. Now currently working my way through S10, and I definitely still ship Nathan/Elizabeth, and wish they'd gotten together, but I've also liked seeing Lucas/Elizabeth, and I love the way he is with Jack. I've also really liked seeing Nathan and Elizabeth as friends.

But seeing about this FB post about Elizabeth possibly having second thoughts, and even though I do now ship Lucas/Elizabeth. I'm still hoping for Nathan/Elizabeth. I still feel like he's the better choice for her. I have nothing against Lucas and I'm pretty sure I was completely against the idea of them two at the beginning, but he's grown on me more and more, and I do love seeing them together. But I just feel that he maybe wants more than she does, I dunno, I don't think I'm explaining myself properly. And that's totally okay if he does.

Perhaps Lucas is the safe option maybe, I dunno, I'm not saying there aren't feelings there.

Apologies for the long rambling message, and I know that there's no guarantee that she would go to Nathan, and that they'd get together, but I'm still hoping. But it's given me more hope, I just hope they don't have a long drawn out love triangle again, I don't think I could go through that, and I don't want Nathan's hopes to be raised again only for them to be dashed again.

I'm still planning to write a Nathan/OFC fic though, completely self indulgent. And now I'm going to go, because this is longer than I anticipated.

That's definitely my complaint with Lucas now. I've never liked the guy but I accepted that she picked him and it's fine. I don't enjoy them together but whatever. I just don't pay much attention to them. But this season has been like episode after episode of Lucas and Elizabeth not on the same page about pretty basic things. He wants a huge house. She wants to stay in the row houses. He wants these big lavish things and Elizabeth just wants simplicity. Now he's running for office. I cannot see her wanting that life for her and Jack at all. She's going to support him, of course, but what does that mean for their future?

I do think Lucas was the safe choice. She knew what she was getting with him. She wasn't scared he was going to die. He'd give her a good life, no doubt about it. I fully believe that she loves him... but that doesn't mean they're suited for each other long-term. Maybe they've grown apart. Or maybe Elizabeth is just dealing with some stuff and will end up marrying Lucas and all will be fine. It all feels up in the air right now and I don't know which way it will go. As frustrating as it is, it's almost refreshing to feel like we can't predict the show right now.

If she does decide to end her engagement and pursue something with Nathan, they're going to have to take things slow. She has some groveling to do. I would hope Nathan wouldn't immediately jump into something with her. She needs to prove that he's the one. It wasn't easy for him to watch her with Lucas. It wasn't easy to hear that she saw Jack in him and essentially wrote him off because of that. They would need to basically start over.

[asphodel-night-adder]

Fandom rant incoming

Broooo I'm so tired of LxA like in S10 it was fine and actually kinda cute, but I felt it was a one sided thing b/c the show (weirdly) just focused on Amity's attraction to Luz and Liz kinda seemed oblivious and only really treating her as a friend and working on to mend bridges with her. But w/e it was s1 and chemistry was just building up.

Then s2 happened. Look, I get that the show was axed and fucked up the progression of the show, but did they have to make Luz so ooc?? Like girl was stumbling like a moron and I get that she is cringy but they really made her act all gushy and blushy with Amity in one episode and deadass having her call Amity a "goddess" (ew). We attraction for Amity was NEVER EXPLORED OR SHOWED IT WAS DEADASS ONLY AMITY. It all felt too rush and since they got together, I really felt that Luz's character downgraded to worshipping Amity's feet. Like she's fine if Amity is not involved, but everytime they're on screen together she's.. idk she acts like a self conscious moron who is obsessed and dependent on Amity and Amity is the "cool and loving one".

It doesn't help that everyone just ships it and makes Luz be essentially a servant to Amity and have her whole character be surrounded to her. It fucking pisses me off b/c this is a show with a Latina lead and the fandom barely cares about her only the other characters (some of y'all latched onto that Hunter dude reaaaaal quick and made so much fanart and analysis of him immediately meanwhile Luz is always second fiddle to everyone else and rarely has her own piece or analysis).

I'm not saying it's inherently racist, but I hate that this "uwu so pure" ship has Luz worshipping Amity and barely having any character development of her own. It feels racist and I get that most fans are probably not thinking of how that dynamic can come across, but come on use your brain for a second PLEASE.

It's kinda funny that so many people are taking a dunk on WxH but they literally had mutual chemistry since they first met and it has been a slow buildup from there (like how LxA SHOULD BE). I get the fans can be annoying, but goddamn you have the most annoying ship in the fandom, hypocrite much?

Anyway that was just a dumb rant lol, don't take me seriously and I'm not bashing on anyone who likes the ship btw I'm just uhhh venting lol

[wytfut]

Part 2 of I80 as a neighbor

Another time,  I was leaving to deliver my oldest to a buddy’s house, when I noticed a Jeep wagon just pulling over on the shoulder of the interstate. It was a nasty icey spitting windy day. Figured I better pull out into the field by the fence at the interstate, to see if things were ok.

Lady and a young woman in the car. I’m standing at the fence, and they’d roll down the window a crack and yell all sorts of stuff I couldn’t hear. I said come to the fence.... Jeep wasn’t running.

Again lots of voices that couldn’t be heard. I jumped over the fence and as I walked up to the Jeep wagon, I heard the door locks go. I got to the Jeep and they cracked the window even less. I had to stick my ear right up to that crack to hear. I also noticed that they were hiding a very young girl between them.

“Everything is fine, My husband is right behind us.... he’ll pick us up....”   I told them ok.... that’d I take a quick look if they wanted....    “no we are fine.”

I told them they are more than welcome to jump in my truck, and I’d take them to the house so they could get warm. “no no no... the mechanic is right behind us, we are fine”...

Husband and now mechanic.... they are spooked!! They feel I’m a threat. wow

Some more conversation.... “I know you farmers are good people.... I trust you but...”   ..... “lady I’m no farmer” before I could finish my sentence...   “well you look ok....”    I’m a fireman....”  “ I know you fire men are good people” .... “ and a linesman” ....   “no we’re fine, they’ll be along any minute”.

Eventually I had to give up, she wasn’t having anything to do with what I was selling, as I’m some sort of interstate day light child rapist. “lady, I’m going to be gone for 45 minutes, if you are still here, I’ll come back out” ....   “ok”      it really was chilly out there for the 3 of them, but what ever, and no heat.

Got back from boy delivery, and there they still were. I drove out to the fence again across the field. Climbed the fence again. Again she cracked the window...  pretty much all 3 cold now. She hands me a piece of paper, and says “ this is our mechanic/neighbor, he knows us, call him and tell him where we are, and we need help....”    Again I invited them to the house to warm up.... No no no... we are fine.

I got to the house, called this guy. I gave him her name. He had no idea who she was, but said he’d drive the tow truck out there.

Traffic was pretty slow on the interstate with they blowing icey rain. So it wasn’t hard to see when their help finally showed up.

An hour and 30 minutes later, a tow truck putts down the interstate and jumps across to their side.

An hour and a half.....    somebodies kids got really cold.

One warm summer night, I was listening to my scanner in the living room, and heard of a chase, being performed by the State Troopers. Sounded like they were coming our direction.

Sure enough, they were chasing a Chevy S10, at a slow rate of speed. I’d say there were 8 Troopers following this pickup.

Suddenly the S10 slammed on his brakes. Trooper slammed into the pickup and another knicked that car, and headed for the median only to hit another Trooper ...    

S10 the reversed direction.... and the circus drove off to the west of us...

One fall evening, I was gone somewhere... not sure where, when a Guy all hopped up on “meth” came to the back door.

He was a mess, hallucinating, jerky, crazy stories, etc.   Patti answered the door with Norton and Gertie. These huge dogs freaked the guy out a lil bit. He went on with his crazy, and Patti handed him a phone.

In the mean time, she called me on her cell phone. I’m blazing a trail home, to help.

I arrived and the only thing I could think of was to get this guy loaded into my truck and off the property. Some how with a conversation I convinced him to get in, and I hauled him to Lincoln north edge, to a run down motel.

Turns out he wasn’t really a threat, although scary to be around, he was terrified himself of what he had imagined happened to himself on the interstate.

Also Patti or I got a call in to 911. They responded to my house, where I had already picked up the guy. They called me in my truck on my way back from delivering this guy.  I told them where I had  left him, and they headed to Lincoln.

Here’s a sadder story to finish this up....

This was fathers day. Directly in front of my place, an older car broke down. I had seen Driver and Lady trying to work on it several hours. He came over and borrowed a couple simple tools from me and my neighbor.

Car was older and run down. 

He finally gave up, and gave me the story. Being it was fathers day he and his girl friend were heading to the Womens lock up in Lincoln to see his daughter. He didn’t have a car, so he had to borrow one, and it failed obviously. Personally I wouldn’t have taken that car on a test drive let alone from Omaha to Lincoln on the interstate.

Their clothes were clean, and it looked like they had made a hard attempt at looking presentable. But you could tell they didn’t have a penny to their name. Teeth missing, language, .... well you got the idea.  The guy was deflated, as he knew he wasn’t going to see his Daughter. 

Had to help them out. I ended up hauling them to their home in Omaha. Dude was so overwhelmed with my help he insisted that I take one of his new puppies. Pit Bull. Now everyone loves puppies, and they were a handsome litter. But I have no use for a Pit Bull (great breed or not). I think I hurt his feelings on not taking one. 

It wasn’t a good day for this guy,.... but I got him home.

I’m sure there are more stories but none come to my memory... I’ll likely add to this as I remember...

[rosielovesspence]

hey!! i have a twd request! it's nothing specific so you can create anything you want, but i really wanted a carl x reader one-shot that takes place in s9 or s10, and they're both in their 20s or something :)) (it can be cute or even angsty, anything u want)

Ofc I can <3 I really hope I did this request justice,I kinda didn't watch after...yk what happened to Carl. But here we go. Honestly want to write another one,but about his 20th birthday bro.

Carl Grimes x GN!reader

Carl was dumb,you could admit that,going off on runs by himself and almost getting bit,seeing the blood on his torso immediately scared you,luckily he just had zombie blood on him. After that he had been extra careful about making sure you knew where he was at all times.

Waking up this morning,alone though was not what you expected,rubbing your eyes softly and sitting up,one of Carl's flannels dawning your body,you slowly got up. Yawning you walked softly down the stairs,questioning where your boyfriend had gone so early in the morning,a smell of fire and food led you to the kitchen where he stood,cooking.

It felt really weird,it felt so domestic,and docile,as if there weren't walkers everywhere outside the walls. You felt at peace as you slowly wrapped you arms around his waist,smiling and nuzzling your face into the crack of his shoulder. "Good morning baby" He spoke softly,smiling. "Morning Carl"

A small smile was on his face as he set food on plates and Judith ran down the stairs,you sat at the table next to Judith smiling,"how ya doing girlie?" She smiled "tired...Oh My Gosh you made pancakes!" She practically yelled out as Carl set the plate out in front of her,"you know it" you smiled as he sat on the other side of you,but not before ruffling Judith's hair.

Carl had moved out of Rick's house into your guys own small house but most of the time Judith would stay over so morning like this weren't uncommon,except most usually you cooked. You all ate breakfast starting your days with smiles before Carl had to go work on the fence,just small things,while you took Judith to Michonne,girl time you know.

The afternoon went by fast,you sitting on the porch hammock,that was put on Rick and Michonne's porch,reading a comic,looking up to watch Carl run around with Judith and Rick and Michonne sitting comfortably on the grass,having a nice conversation while also watching Rick's pride and joys enjoy the yard.

Carl had at the moment picked up Judith and put the giggling girl on his shoulders,sending a small sweet smile your way before walking over and dropping Judith in Rick's lap softly,everyone laughing before he made his way over to you.

"Hey sweetheart" you looked up and smiled at his dopey grin, "Hello Carl" it was enjoyable,the time you got to spend with him,it was always nice and soft,you liked the walls of Alexandria,keeping him in,in your home,your arms,your heart. You'd cherish every day like this with Carl. His soft slow kiss on your cheek,the wind softly blowing his hair into his face,yeah,you enjoyed times like this.

[gallavichfanficlibrary]

Any long fics that are must read thats not E rated. I feel like I stick mainly to the E rating because Its shameless I mean the shows pretty explicit but I wanna give other fics a go

Hi! Sorry, this ask was in our inbox for an embarrassingly long time. We thought it was the easiest ask, but the hardest part was to stop ourselves from outting too many fics on the list :D Must read is a very relative thing and there are tons of other amazing fics that deserve attention, but this is what we decided on :) 

Our Stubborn Love - In which, after years of being separated by more than just prison walls, Ian and Mickey try to find their way back to each other.

None the wiser - The real time accounts of Ian visiting Mickey's dingy diner and slowly becoming his friend.

Intro to Quantum Dating - College AU. Ian’s determined to make the most of college life. He thinks that means finding a stable guy to settle down with but he can’t stop thinking about his RA, Mickey.

Help Me (Tear down My Reason) Detective Mickey is investigating a case involving Ian as the prime suspect.

broad-shouldered beasts - Six years after Mickey goes to jail, he's released on parole. He does his best to build a "normal" life and a relationship with his son while juggling the scars of his past.

While We're Making Other (People's) Plans - Post S10. Mickey gets roped into being a wedding planner.

Life on Mars - Remember when a drunken Ned stayed over the Gallaghers house in S3 and got kicked out before morning for groping Lip? What if, instead, he ended up staying a while and wacky hijinks ensued?

sideways - Post S5. Ian attempts to make amends. Mickey tries to stay strong.

these days, life is better - Ian realizes Mickey is the most romantic guy on Earth.

lemme show you the ropes - Post S10. Family dynamics shift after the wedding. Mickey's not sure he's ready. Not sure he even knows what family is.

cut ties with all the lies - Canon divergent set between 3x06 and 3x07.

Rookie Mistakes - Hockey AU. Ian Gallagher is the right wing to Mickey's left defenseman, so it's not even that weird when Mickey makes a point to learn everything he possibly can about the kid. Really.

Twenty-One -  Mickey never had A Master Plan. His only plan in the last decade has been Find Ian. Instead, he's basically raised a kid, accidentally started a slow burning revolution, and failed everyone he actually cares about.

The Luck You Got - Post S4 canon re-write.

Heartstrings High School AU where Senior Ian finally meets his best friends brother who recently returned to finish school.

Lost Lullabies - Mickey Milkovich, former child star turned action movie star, runs into his old co-star, Ian Gallagher, out on the street in the middle of a winter night. When Mickey takes him in, he doesn't realize that Ian has the power to completely turn his new life upside down.

looked like a teenage runaway - Ian is seventeen when he moves to the South Side. Lip tells him to stay away from the wrong people, but no one remembers to warn him not to fall in love with the neighborhood thug.

[zmediaoutlet]

happy wincest wednesday, Z! i know you have a special fondness for s9... as someone who has zero memory of that season and is only up to mid-s3 on a slow rewatch, i need some incentives to make it that far. what, particularly, do you like about that season and why do wincesties need to appreciate it more?

do you see it as being more ripe for a first time or established relationship?

it's wincest thursday because sometimes you're in a bummer mood all day on wincest wednesday but you save up the wincest to make the next day better. yes? yes.

I do have a special fondness for s9! It's terrible and wonderful, haha. I remember a lot of people getting bigmad shitfit pissy about it at the time -- o the factions that erupted! o the people who abruptly revealed somewhat scary levels of polarization! (o the terrifying weird accusations of abuse apologism, and worse!) -- but at the time I was pure Switzerland, and I think that's the best way to be. I really liked Carver's understanding of The Marriage -- I mean, he literally ended the previous season in a church! -- and I was like, okay, this is painful for now but where will it go? Sam and Dean obviously weren't going to 'break up' in any kind of permanent way, because every showrunner has understood that the show is at its best when they're together. So, how will they get back together? What will it take for them to get there?

When you're on team "the actual plot of Supernatural is the relationship between Sam and Dean," everything just gets better, I think. Who cares if there's, whatever, angel wars or something happening in the background? The part that matters is the space between two brothers. s1-5, to me, is the story of how they actually get to know each other, how they learn to trust each other, how they grow up. (They're SO YOUNG in s1! It's appalling,) In s6 and s7 it's like, wow, okay, so we're actually choosing to stay together. Sure, there's a world-ending plot again -- when isn't there! -- but we're actually deciding that we want to do this more than we want to have normal lives. That's wild.

The Carver seasons, then, are all about the marriage. s8 is, "wow, we cheated on each other. ...We don't actually want to do that, do we? We want to actually devote ourselves to each other. Weird!" So they make a promise, in a church. (!!!) And then, because this is Supernatural and you can't get a single goddamn day off, IMMEDIATELY on the heels of Dean promising that he'd do anything for Sam, Sam's life is put in danger. So s9 becomes about, okay, you made a promise. So, immediately the question becomes: what will you do to keep it?

I know it's not 'nice' but I really don't get how so many fans are, like, mad about it. So much great storytelling happens when a character says "I have this line and I cannot cross it" and then they're put in a situation where the best possible option is to cross that line. That shit is the best. Dean wants and needs Sam to live for both their sakes (any reduction of that moment to 'selfishness' is rank stupidity and I won't countenance it); he won't put anything before Sam; so, what will he do? What will it do to him, to have done that thing? What will Sam say when he finally realizes? What will Sam do when he realizes he'd do the exact goddamn thing?

It's even better in context:

s8: are we married? it turns out that, shit, yes we are. s9: okay, prove it. <-- we are here s10: okay, prove it again. s11: wow, well. We really are just like this, aren't we. Let's decide to be okay with that.

I just love that kind of writing.

PLUS OH MY GOD ALL THOSE RAD MOMENTS WHERE DEAN WANTED TO TELL SAM AND GADREEL WAS HOLDING SAM HOSTAGE OVER THE EDGE OF A CLIFF AAAAA basically I just like a good dose of Dean torture, what can I say.

Oh -- and on that, I like it best with established relationship but I like everything better with established relationship. But in the same way that I love proving things -- I don't think their relationship means nearly as much until they get through all this stuff to s11. Love declarations in s1 are like... k. Talk to me when you've been through literal hell.